First I asked my boyfriend: do you want this relationship? He said yes. I told my boyfriend ( an avoidant) what I need ( consistency and that he also calls me, and that we see each other every weekend or every second weekend). He shows up. A half year ago he broke up with me because of a similar situation, but now he puts in effort. But I have to say, I am not afraid to loose him. I would be sad, but I know that i am strong enough and I know what I need. I am a fearful avoidant.
I have a question. Did you two have a relationship, then got broken up, then got back together (with him as a DA and you a FA)? And you're making it work? If so, that sounds incredible and would love to know your story. I think I'm FA and attract DA's.
@@henstrom3655 Nah, it's just a matter of having boundaries and that other people's problems are well ... other people's problems. you CANNOT change others, and It is not your responsibility to "fix" them. They may not want to, or put the efforts in, and while it is nice if you can accompany them in the process, you may also not have the energy, the skills, the patience or will to do so. And nobody is "entitled" anybody else's time and mental resources, and we are talking years of it. And if you came to the conclusion that you just can no longer deal with your partner's personality traits or mental health, it is what it is noone is to blame
LoL I TOTALLY understand this comment. But I have zero regrets about working my butt off to learn about and heal not only myself (fearful avoidant) but my dismissive avoidant. He is at his core the best man I’ve ever known. And by understanding him I’ve learned so much about myself and my triggers. It has made me a far more loving and kind person. For somebody with secure attachment it may be far more trouble than it’s worth. But for those of us who have our own unhealthy attachment style working with somebody else has a dual benefit. It helps us and also the other person. But it’s not for everyone. And it’s a whole lot of work. I don’t criticize anyone who simply cannot do it or just doesn’t want to do it. No hate from me. ❤
I think you're the first coach to acknowledge that DA's have a spirit of rebellion. I saw this in my DA wife and when this rebellious streak would arise. It was like looking at a petulant child. I knew then there was some deep trauma. Relationship survival is almost impossible with all their DA triggers. As the partner of a DA, having to tip toe around them as if on eggshell's. They have some serious attachment healing work, and as the husband, I have some work to look at myself and how I got into this predicament.
Being in a relationship with an avoidant is EXTREMELY exhausting. The best thing these people can do for EVERYONE is to seek therapy. But a lot of them won't. If you don't have anxious attachment before, you will once you are in a relationship with an avoidant. It took me 2 yrs of struggling, to become secure. And then I broke it off. These people are clearly selfish. They do to you, what they fear you will do to them. They are also fully aware of this issue of theirs but will tuck it away, like some dirty little secret, onky to bamboozle you months into the relationship. It's truly a sad life to live. I never want to go through that nightmare again.
what it really takes is them going through A LOT of therapy and then consistently showing that they are improving and healing. if this doesn't hqppen then you can be a saint with unlimited love, but your needs in that relationship will NEVER be met. you can be non critical, kind, loving and they will still shut down, dettach, run away, as soon as you show that you have any needs for reciprocation. but hey, if you like pain and loneliness go for it and sacrifice yourself for breadcrumbs in return.
Well said. So I left my DA wife, after 10 years of marriage. And let me tell you, I still feel pain and loneliness. The only difference is that now I feel pain and loneliness because I am alone, whereas before I felt it because I was with a person that didn't love me nor care for me. Moreover, now I have an extra reason to feel sad: the realization that 10 years of my life, the BEST years of my life, my most significant time & emotional investment went down the drain. Imagine putting your best effort into something, giving it your all, for 10 years. I'm 51 now and trying to move on while older and emotionally drained. So yes, it's better to walk away from an avoidant, but that will not necessarily take you to a better place.
@kylereese9462 I hear you Kyle. I left my partner only after 2.5 years. This was a year ago and the pain is still there. Personally I don't care as much about lost time. I'm sure it was not all bad in the beginning for you too, after all you got married. I do care about losing myself by trying so hard and for so long to make a toxic person treat me with love and empathy and kindness she did not have. In that I lost a hopeful part of myself that I don't think I will ever get back. As they say, "if you gaze into an abyss, the abyss stares back at you". I wish you to find healthy love next time with a securely attached partner. I'm 42 and I give up.
@ Of course it was not bad in the beginning. The beginning is the time when the avoidants put on their best face, show up etc. But after that they start showing their real face. I left my wife 1.5 year ago. Am I in a better placenow ? No. Just in a different kind of a bad place. I also feel that I have acquired some of her avoidant traits: being emotionally unavailable, needing time and space alone etc. Moving forward, I hope that I will find healthy love. But I also can't stop thinking and hoping that maybe years later she comes back to me with a sincere intention to put some genuine effort in it. Maybe we are reunited before I close my eyes - because let me tell you, I always thought she would be the person by my side to close my eyes when I die. Yes, I am still romantic about a person that has clearly no romantic feelings for me. Nonetheless, I am trying to move on, although it's very difficult at 51. But you at 42, why have you given up already? Maybe there is healthy love for you to find out there, and you have almost 10 years to look for it before you come to my age.
@@kylereese9462 I was told that developing avoidant tendencies is just a part of grief and a protection mechanism which will wear off unless you were an avoidant before (it sounds like you were not). i give up because i'm tired of constant trial and error and wasting years just to find out that someone is avoidant or a narcissist or worse.
I think what it really takes is you have to hate yourself and totally give up on your dreams and your life in any chance of ever having happiness you will never have any kind of affection or attention. You’ll be the last priority behind the dogs the cats, the fish, their hobbies anything they can think of, and then comes to you.
So reassuring at least you are in business, and too bad for all the viewers you can not tell in one video how to earn attachment security, so basically this video is not going to help any of us, but hopefully it definitely will catch a few new customers for you, and help you grow your online counseling business. At least I feel good knowing I am wasting my time but at least it is benefiting you and not a total waste :)
The DA that I was with was trying to convince me that I should be angry about certain things. Now I realize that it was so they could use conflict as an excuse to break up with me. They eventually found another reason.
“Bamboozled” more like “betrayed” let’s not minimize the sheer suffering it causes people to be rejected, neglected, and felt like they are lied to or kept out of the loop. All anxiety aside… I don’t think I ever begged or pleaded. I gave volition and space. I made stupid mistakes around conflict but I am here beating myself up for being a naturally imperfect human beings. I have never seen results with anything I have learned from any attachment specialist
I wish I had seen this 5 days ago, or even before I realized that I was asking for and being to critical of what was missing in my relationship with a DA. We're currently on a break, and I hope by learning more about her mental health issues that I may be a better partner for her in the future, I just hope she will come back soon. I miss her dearly.
@@pugninja7037 FA and DA need serious work on themselves and even then they might just change temporarily. As years go by, and we get older, neuroplasticity reduces. 15 years of patience and struggle didn’t work for me with a DAPD. I assume, that would be enough patience. I wish I just moved on earlier. Empathy and patience without boundaries are self-destructive. So my advice is: Leave. Move on. Life is too short.
@@pugninja7037No, they are living in reality. DA WILL waste your time and break your heart. Been there, had a man with DA do that to me. NEVER again. They are nightmares. They should be all rounded up and forced to wear a sign that states they are DA and that relationships with them are not possible. You must be a DA to have made that comment. You guys are so selfish. You guys argue for the right to go around hurting people. You guys are bad people.
If non critical communication doesn't work , then get the fuck out. My wife would not respond to any form of communication. My job is conflict resolution. I've spent two decades working with the most hostile people my company could find. I have an exemplary track record at being able to resolve conflict And after eight years my wife finally admits there's absolutely nothing, If no matter how small that she's willing to follow through with to fix our relationship. there isn't a single dismissive.Avoidant who is worth the trouble.
Nice. What, if any, homework can you assign to the avoidant? There's too many videos (not just on your channel) about how anxious people cam dance around an avoidant.
The avoidant isn’t usually looking for videos like these… It will trigger all of their wounds and they would rather dismiss what you need and avoid the conflict…
There’s a lot being covered here. If you were willing to give up your own pride and much of your self needs for the sake of the other person, which is something we should all aspire to do then these tools and suggestions will definitely have a positive impact on your relationship however, if you value your own boundaries and your own needs over the person that you’ve made a major commitment to it’s likely not going to work
Can this avoidant behavior be triggered by the trauma caused by a partner? I'm not sure if he always has been so, or I turned him into it by hurting his feelings and breaking the trust early in the relationship. Since then there were sunny and rainy monent. I became extremely anxious because I attributed his behavior as my fault brcause that early situation.
![BLACK BAG - Official Trailer [HD] - Only in Theaters March 14](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Du0Xp8WX_7I/mqdefault.jpg)
They will take your secure attachment and shred it, leaving you insecure and worthless.
First I asked my boyfriend: do you want this relationship? He said yes. I told my boyfriend ( an avoidant) what I need ( consistency and that he also calls me, and that we see each other every weekend or every second weekend). He shows up. A half year ago he broke up with me because of a similar situation, but now he puts in effort. But I have to say, I am not afraid to loose him. I would be sad, but I know that i am strong enough and I know what I need. I am a fearful avoidant.
That's the problem. He does so much and gets very little in return.
I have a question. Did you two have a relationship, then got broken up, then got back together (with him as a DA and you a FA)? And you're making it work? If so, that sounds incredible and would love to know your story. I think I'm FA and attract DA's.
Definitely time and patience, lots of patience and time, will be needed for these strategies.
Or just don't deal with them and save your mental health. Move on.
If you want the easy and do not even love the person, sure, do so.
@@henstrom3655 Nah, it's just a matter of having boundaries and that other people's problems are well ... other people's problems. you CANNOT change others, and It is not your responsibility to "fix" them. They may not want to, or put the efforts in, and while it is nice if you can accompany them in the process, you may also not have the energy, the skills, the patience or will to do so. And nobody is "entitled" anybody else's time and mental resources, and we are talking years of it. And if you came to the conclusion that you just can no longer deal with your partner's personality traits or mental health, it is what it is noone is to blame
LoL I TOTALLY understand this comment. But I have zero regrets about working my butt off to learn about and heal not only myself (fearful avoidant) but my dismissive avoidant. He is at his core the best man I’ve ever known. And by understanding him I’ve learned so much about myself and my triggers. It has made me a far more loving and kind person. For somebody with secure attachment it may be far more trouble than it’s worth. But for those of us who have our own unhealthy attachment style working with somebody else has a dual benefit. It helps us and also the other person. But it’s not for everyone. And it’s a whole lot of work. I don’t criticize anyone who simply cannot do it or just doesn’t want to do it. No hate from me. ❤
Yes
Give them their game right back
Basically, be the parent of a toddler.
Exactly
You have to not care and view the connection as purely transactional.
You described it
Yes 53 yrs of this.
Yes! A business partnership (marriage) and really nothing more.
My #1 tip, run from these peeps. Don't waste your time or effort.
Why do they criticize when they can’t handle criticism?🤔
This is so helpful, thank you. Breathwork has been changing my life as a fearful avoidant.
I tried and tried to have patience I couldn’t handle the anxiety. I had to walk away. It’s going on two months. I haven’t heard from my ex.
I think you're the first coach to acknowledge that DA's have a spirit of rebellion. I saw this in my DA wife and when this rebellious streak would arise. It was like looking at a petulant child. I knew then there was some deep trauma.
Relationship survival is almost impossible with all their DA triggers. As the partner of a DA, having to tip toe around them as if on eggshell's.
They have some serious attachment healing work, and as the husband, I have some work to look at myself and how I got into this predicament.
Being in a relationship with an avoidant is EXTREMELY exhausting. The best thing these people can do for EVERYONE is to seek therapy. But a lot of them won't. If you don't have anxious attachment before, you will once you are in a relationship with an avoidant. It took me 2 yrs of struggling, to become secure. And then I broke it off. These people are clearly selfish. They do to you, what they fear you will do to them. They are also fully aware of this issue of theirs but will tuck it away, like some dirty little secret, onky to bamboozle you months into the relationship. It's truly a sad life to live. I never want to go through that nightmare again.
Every time I breathe she takes it as criticism.
Sad but true.
what it really takes is them going through A LOT of therapy and then consistently showing that they are improving and healing. if this doesn't hqppen then you can be a saint with unlimited love, but your needs in that relationship will NEVER be met. you can be non critical, kind, loving and they will still shut down, dettach, run away, as soon as you show that you have any needs for reciprocation. but hey, if you like pain and loneliness go for it and sacrifice yourself for breadcrumbs in return.
Well said. So I left my DA wife, after 10 years of marriage. And let me tell you, I still feel pain and loneliness. The only difference is that now I feel pain and loneliness because I am alone, whereas before I felt it because I was with a person that didn't love me nor care for me. Moreover, now I have an extra reason to feel sad: the realization that 10 years of my life, the BEST years of my life, my most significant time & emotional investment went down the drain. Imagine putting your best effort into something, giving it your all, for 10 years. I'm 51 now and trying to move on while older and emotionally drained. So yes, it's better to walk away from an avoidant, but that will not necessarily take you to a better place.
@kylereese9462 I hear you Kyle. I left my partner only after 2.5 years. This was a year ago and the pain is still there. Personally I don't care as much about lost time. I'm sure it was not all bad in the beginning for you too, after all you got married. I do care about losing myself by trying so hard and for so long to make a toxic person treat me with love and empathy and kindness she did not have. In that I lost a hopeful part of myself that I don't think I will ever get back. As they say, "if you gaze into an abyss, the abyss stares back at you". I wish you to find healthy love next time with a securely attached partner. I'm 42 and I give up.
@ Of course it was not bad in the beginning. The beginning is the time when the avoidants put on their best face, show up etc. But after that they start showing their real face. I left my wife 1.5 year ago. Am I in a better placenow ? No. Just in a different kind of a bad place. I also feel that I have acquired some of her avoidant traits: being emotionally unavailable, needing time and space alone etc. Moving forward, I hope that I will find healthy love. But I also can't stop thinking and hoping that maybe years later she comes back to me with a sincere intention to put some genuine effort in it. Maybe we are reunited before I close my eyes - because let me tell you, I always thought she would be the person by my side to close my eyes when I die. Yes, I am still romantic about a person that has clearly no romantic feelings for me. Nonetheless, I am trying to move on, although it's very difficult at 51. But you at 42, why have you given up already? Maybe there is healthy love for you to find out there, and you have almost 10 years to look for it before you come to my age.
@@kylereese9462 I was told that developing avoidant tendencies is just a part of grief and a protection mechanism which will wear off unless you were an avoidant before (it sounds like you were not). i give up because i'm tired of constant trial and error and wasting years just to find out that someone is avoidant or a narcissist or worse.
I think what it really takes is you have to hate yourself and totally give up on your dreams and your life in any chance of ever having happiness you will never have any kind of affection or attention. You’ll be the last priority behind the dogs the cats, the fish, their hobbies anything they can think of, and then comes to you.
Just run and find a healthy person
Excellent video! The more you control or insult me, I’m out
Grow some skin, people shouldnt have to change the way they speak because your a weak person. Im not your therapist, you obv need one so go get one.
Don't waste years of your life like I did. DA wasn't worth it.
So reassuring at least you are in business, and too bad for all the viewers you can not tell in one video how to earn attachment security, so basically this video is not going to help any of us, but hopefully it definitely will catch a few new customers for you, and help you grow your online counseling business. At least I feel good knowing I am wasting my time but at least it is benefiting you and not a total waste :)
Better to match a dismissive avoidant with a person who has an attachment style and a love style that is compatible with theirs
The DA that I was with was trying to convince me that I should be angry about certain things. Now I realize that it was so they could use conflict as an excuse to break up with me. They eventually found another reason.
“Bamboozled” more like “betrayed” let’s not minimize the sheer suffering it causes people to be rejected, neglected, and felt like they are lied to or kept out of the loop. All anxiety aside… I don’t think I ever begged or pleaded. I gave volition and space. I made stupid mistakes around conflict but I am here beating myself up for being a naturally imperfect human beings. I have never seen results with anything I have learned from any attachment specialist
I wish I had seen this 5 days ago, or even before I realized that I was asking for and being to critical of what was missing in my relationship with a DA. We're currently on a break, and I hope by learning more about her mental health issues that I may be a better partner for her in the future, I just hope she will come back soon. I miss her dearly.
Save yourself the time, energy and heartaches. Just leave.
@@pugninja7037
FA and DA need serious work on themselves and even then they might just change temporarily. As years go by, and we get older, neuroplasticity reduces. 15 years of patience and struggle didn’t work for me with a DAPD. I assume, that would be enough patience.
I wish I just moved on earlier.
Empathy and patience without boundaries are self-destructive.
So my advice is: Leave. Move on. Life is too short.
@@dr.andrealevai6478 you sound bitter.
@@pugninja7037No, they are living in reality. DA WILL waste your time and break your heart. Been there, had a man with DA do that to me. NEVER again. They are nightmares.
They should be all rounded up and forced to wear a sign that states they are DA and that relationships with them are not possible.
You must be a DA to have made that comment. You guys are so selfish. You guys argue for the right to go around hurting people. You guys are bad people.
If non critical communication doesn't work , then get the fuck out.
My wife would not respond to any form of communication.
My job is conflict resolution. I've spent two decades working with the most hostile people my company could find.
I have an exemplary track record at being able to resolve conflict
And after eight years my wife finally admits there's absolutely nothing, If no matter how small that she's willing to follow through with to fix our relationship.
there isn't a single dismissive.Avoidant who is worth the trouble.
🤣🤣"If non critical communication doesn't work , then get the fuck out." 🤣🤣"My job is conflict resolution."🤣🤣.
Nice. What, if any, homework can you assign to the avoidant? There's too many videos (not just on your channel) about how anxious people cam dance around an avoidant.
The avoidant isn’t usually looking for videos like these… It will trigger all of their wounds and they would rather dismiss what you need and avoid the conflict…
@sheaddsvalue yes, you are right. I have observed this exact behavior from them.
There’s a lot being covered here.
If you were willing to give up your own pride and much of your self needs for the sake of the other person, which is something we should all aspire to do then these tools and suggestions will definitely have a positive impact on your relationship however, if you value your own boundaries and your own needs over the person that you’ve made a major commitment to it’s likely not going to work
Is the juice ever worth the squeeze ?
Zoloft😂😂😂
Hahahaha legit about to make an appointment with a therapist so i can get some meds to help me through 🤣
Can this avoidant behavior be triggered by the trauma caused by a partner? I'm not sure if he always has been so, or I turned him into it by hurting his feelings and breaking the trust early in the relationship. Since then there were sunny and rainy monent. I became extremely anxious because I attributed his behavior as my fault brcause that early situation.
What if he’s FA (imo from lots of research) with strong DA lean?? What on earth am I supposed to follow? 😢
How much of this is caused by early childhood emotional abuse(yelling, putdowns) particularly mothers?
WHOAAA that was DIAMOND
My relationship with DA goes like this… 🐢…. ❤…..🐢…..❤️….🐢……❤️…. Where as ALL my other relationships went like this… ❤️💋🥰🥰🥰🥳🥳🥳❤️❤️❤️….. 🤬🤬🤬🤮🤮🕙… 🤯 end.
If you get attached to a DA, then chances are you’re emotionally unavailable ! Wake up ! Get help !!
Bye bye 🏃🏽♂️🏃🏽♂️🏃🏽♂️🏃🏽♂️🏃🏽♂️🏃🏽♂️
Don't send this woman any money. It's a scam. She ripped me off for $130
They are typically so hot tho. Hard to leave lol… they destroy you tho sorry for laughing
narcissists