If you wanna be in a one way relationship where you endure constant criticism but cant give it, where you pour out affection and attention but never recieve it.. where what theyve done for you is credited and invoiced, but what youve done for them is dismissed as a cheap gift or even a debt you naturally owe them... invest in a dismissive avoidant. Youll get back pennies on the dollar every time. Enjoy the cold lonely heartache until the divorce.
I’m literally in the beginning of the cold lonely heartache after my husband just abandoned me and his step kids 6 hours away. That was his strategy, flight. And it was easy for him. Now I’m cleaning up 3 heartbreaks and haven’t heard a word from him. This is crazy accurate.
@@emilymckay5251 he showed his true self. dont take him back when he comes crawling with promises of a great future. My ex wife wants to be friendly now that her rebound cheated on her and ive got a gorgeous new gf. Nooope. Youre no friend to me
Exactly my experience with my DA wife. Going through divorce now after a 10-year marriage that became sexless after the first year. And after she withheld sex, she gradually withheld all kinds of intimacy - kissing, hugging, holding hands etc. Despite that, exactly like you said, now that we are over she thinks I owe her. DAs can't feel love, affection, closeness, hapiness. In a video by an other attachment specialist they are described as the living dead.
I love your content and would love a session. I went to your site, and $1300.00 an hour with you is both out of my reach, as well as most of the “average income” viewers (that’s 1 months rent in some communities). $800 for 30 minutes, I feel like would not even scratch the surface. Please keep your content coming as I hope to pull more value out of your perspectives, content, and information. I hope to arrive at conclusions and pull value from what is presented. Thank you.
I hear you. I can see already that she’s absolutely worth it and probably more, but it would take at least a few hours. I do “poor man’s therapy” and help work through things myself with videos like this on youtube and my spirituality. While it’s a slower process, it’s getting me there. And hopefully if I ever can afford to see a good therapist, it won’t take as much time cause I’ll have done the prep work myself
Hey there. I know those prices are steep but I have to make my one on ones worth my time. My hybrid group coaching program is my most popular and cost effective option, which includes my four chapter course as well as 4 calls with me in a small group setting. I am so glad my content is resonating and I am so glad you are here.
I’m an FA going through a breakup with a DA, and omg it’s so hard. I am so tired of flip flopping all over the place while he isolates himself. I’ve done so much work on myself too, but I just can’t fight my subconscious sometimes. It’s exhausting
I know many people say, oh we should be more understanding with a DA, but from my experience they do not value or appreciate your understanding and appreciation for what they been through. It’s a trap. When they show you their true face this is who they are, and you can bend and give space and communicate at the end it’s all waste of time. My ex told me I don’t want to change, is just I didn’t meet the right person, after 6 relationships failed. They victimise themselves saying that they don’t have any luck to meet the one.
i'm sorry to hear you went through this. it's heartbreaking :(. my ex said same thing and that same day I ended a 2 years old relationshi., the "I have nothing to change or work on." message spilled the glass for me. it made me realize that all my efforts and empathy were a huuge waste of time and were only hurting me. even if these individuals go to therapy it may take years because even in therapy they avoid their own feelings and may run away from a really skilled therapist who can see behind the mask.
This described my most recent relationship to a T. You're my main source for information on attachment, your videos have helped me so much. Still looking for tools to self regulate though!
@@JustMeAndMyBoy hi! It’s hard to say without more info, but if you are anxiously attached and their need for reassurance is significant (because even secure people need reassurance sometimes), that sounds like an FA. These days I’m primarily secure, but can still get triggered by people who are very anxious or avoidant. As an FA, when I am around people significantly more anxious than me I seem dismissive (no hot and cold, just relatively cold really; or very warm when they’re talking to me, but cold otherwise), and around people significantly more dismissive than me I become anxious (hot and cold). As an FA, I definitely need reassurance from other avoidant partners, and sometimes need it even from anxious partners - either I want to feel reassured that they like me despite my flaws, or that I haven’t hurt them, because I hate hurting people just because I need space. FA’s also need validation - aka reassurance. I’ve never once encountered a DA who needs reassurance though.
@@instagamrr hi! 😊 Your last paragraph says it all. He’s both. DA and FA. Tysm! But primarily .… idk. I am secure, but he does bring some anxiety out in me.
Thank you for this content. Would it be possible for you to delve deeper into the behaviors and characteristics of a DA who DID ensure capital T Trauma as a child? What key differences have you seen between DAs with PTSD and those without? Thank you
In the school bullying example u cite …. Idk any parents who would say “Let’s practice some breathing through it.” My parents certainly didn’t parent that way, and neither did I. We probably would be concerned/agitated/protective, and given solutions. What does this say …. anything?
I'm not a therapist and I don't know your story but in my experience, there is nothing you can other than work on yourself. If the DA/FA person in your life doesn't want to work on themselves, nothing will change.
Yes. Glean as much information that you can. Mine has filed for divorce. I unfortunately didn't find any of this kind of information until right before he left. I hope you can use this information to help them, and yourself.
@@triciaseiter6855 So sorry for your troubles, hope u are ok. Is he also FA with strong DA lean? I think my question above is excellent and very valid. Why don’t content creators answer this question???
@JustMeAndMyBoy he is either fa with a heavy da lean or he is seriously deep da. But 2 weeks with the information was not enough time to adjust and help him gain any more capacity before he broke and left. I am doing alright... our son is not dealing well with his leaving. His handicaps don't allow him to understand. It's tough.
Is it hard for an avoidant to pay a compliment? I know it is hard complimenting their partner, but even the partner’s possessions like a house, car, etc.?
I’m not Dr. H, but in my 1.5+ years in a romantic relationship with a DA, I have found the answer is *yes* to your question. Also, I’ve noticed they generally don’t express general courtesies like “thank you.” Saying “thank you” probably triggers they received something from someone vs. getting it themselves/being hyper-independent.
@@amyallen3269 tysm. Is yours brutally honest, unintentionally hurtful and/or triggers jealousy or resentment by saying something they shouldn’t, believes being “open and honest” and “a man” is a good thing? Idk if this is a DA trait, or simply his personality.
@@amyallen3269 it's possible someone did things for him in the past and used it as leverage, like to try manipulate him somehow. I'd be tempted to ask, just out of pure curiosity, why he doesn't like using 'thank you' all the time. Just my thoughts
![I.N "HALLUCINATION" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/n5B5q1Hwt_U/mqdefault.jpg)
If you wanna be in a one way relationship where you endure constant criticism but cant give it, where you pour out affection and attention but never recieve it.. where what theyve done for you is credited and invoiced, but what youve done for them is dismissed as a cheap gift or even a debt you naturally owe them... invest in a dismissive avoidant. Youll get back pennies on the dollar every time. Enjoy the cold lonely heartache until the divorce.
100% accurate. A DA woman is the worst
@@CryptoTaurusMoon Hmmm. .
The DA man is no picnic either
I’m literally in the beginning of the cold lonely heartache after my husband just abandoned me and his step kids 6 hours away. That was his strategy, flight. And it was easy for him. Now I’m cleaning up 3 heartbreaks and haven’t heard a word from him. This is crazy accurate.
@@emilymckay5251 he showed his true self. dont take him back when he comes crawling with promises of a great future. My ex wife wants to be friendly now that her rebound cheated on her and ive got a gorgeous new gf.
Nooope. Youre no friend to me
Exactly my experience with my DA wife. Going through divorce now after a 10-year marriage that became sexless after the first year. And after she withheld sex, she gradually withheld all kinds of intimacy - kissing, hugging, holding hands etc. Despite that, exactly like you said, now that we are over she thinks I owe her. DAs can't feel love, affection, closeness, hapiness. In a video by an other attachment specialist they are described as the living dead.
I love your content and would love a session. I went to your site, and $1300.00 an hour with you is both out of my reach, as well as most of the “average income” viewers (that’s 1 months rent in some communities). $800 for 30 minutes, I feel like would not even scratch the surface. Please keep your content coming as I hope to pull more value out of your perspectives, content, and information. I hope to arrive at conclusions and pull value from what is presented. Thank you.
I was so bummed to see the price of the sessions! I'm loving the content though!
I'd rather get a escort for that rate
I totally agree with you! The price is really insane!
I hear you. I can see already that she’s absolutely worth it and probably more, but it would take at least a few hours. I do “poor man’s therapy” and help work through things myself with videos like this on youtube and my spirituality. While it’s a slower process, it’s getting me there. And hopefully if I ever can afford to see a good therapist, it won’t take as much time cause I’ll have done the prep work myself
Hey there. I know those prices are steep but I have to make my one on ones worth my time. My hybrid group coaching program is my most popular and cost effective option, which includes my four chapter course as well as 4 calls with me in a small group setting. I am so glad my content is resonating and I am so glad you are here.
Ugggh, this is too real for me. Just went through a break up as a DA and it just feels awful 😞
I’m an FA going through a breakup with a DA, and omg it’s so hard. I am so tired of flip flopping all over the place while he isolates himself. I’ve done so much work on myself too, but I just can’t fight my subconscious sometimes. It’s exhausting
I know many people say, oh we should be more understanding with a DA, but from my experience they do not value or appreciate your understanding and appreciation for what they been through. It’s a trap. When they show you their true face this is who they are, and you can bend and give space and communicate at the end it’s all waste of time. My ex told me I don’t want to change, is just I didn’t meet the right person, after 6 relationships failed. They victimise themselves saying that they don’t have any luck to meet the one.
i'm sorry to hear you went through this. it's heartbreaking :(. my ex said same thing and that same day I ended a 2 years old relationshi., the "I have nothing to change or work on." message spilled the glass for me. it made me realize that all my efforts and empathy were a huuge waste of time and were only hurting me. even if these individuals go to therapy it may take years because even in therapy they avoid their own feelings and may run away from a really skilled therapist who can see behind the mask.
This described my most recent relationship to a T. You're my main source for information on attachment, your videos have helped me so much. Still looking for tools to self regulate though!
So glad to hear that!
What’s a T??
@Nazareyes-zu3ul it means exactly
Very well explained, thanks. This has to be the most misunderstood attachment style
Good vid, thank you.
Suppression via distraction. Literally my entire life
@instaamrr may I ask in your experience is mine FA or DA? They’re not really hot and cold or clingy, but they do need reassurance. Tysm!
@@JustMeAndMyBoy hi! It’s hard to say without more info, but if you are anxiously attached and their need for reassurance is significant (because even secure people need reassurance sometimes), that sounds like an FA.
These days I’m primarily secure, but can still get triggered by people who are very anxious or avoidant. As an FA, when I am around people significantly more anxious than me I seem dismissive (no hot and cold, just relatively cold really; or very warm when they’re talking to me, but cold otherwise), and around people significantly more dismissive than me I become anxious (hot and cold).
As an FA, I definitely need reassurance from other avoidant partners, and sometimes need it even from anxious partners - either I want to feel reassured that they like me despite my flaws, or that I haven’t hurt them, because I hate hurting people just because I need space. FA’s also need validation - aka reassurance. I’ve never once encountered a DA who needs reassurance though.
@@instagamrr hi! 😊 Your last paragraph says it all. He’s both. DA and FA. Tysm! But primarily .… idk. I am secure, but he does bring some anxiety out in me.
They struggle with….
Everything.
Feelings.
Intimacy.
Expression.
Emotions.
Conflict.
Sooooo they are the worst people to invest your time with
Thank you for this content. Would it be possible for you to delve deeper into the behaviors and characteristics of a DA who DID ensure capital T Trauma as a child? What key differences have you seen between DAs with PTSD and those without?
Thank you
OMG this is my husband to a T. Thank you!
SPOT ON.
In the school bullying example u cite …. Idk any parents who would say “Let’s practice some breathing through it.” My parents certainly didn’t parent that way, and neither did I. We probably would be concerned/agitated/protective, and given solutions. What does this say …. anything?
I am sorry to say we made 3 more avoidants... I tried hard to break trauma and it still showed up. Do you deal with parent/child relationships?
I really believe he is FA with strong DA lean. What do I do, follow videos for both attachment styles??? 😢🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
I'm not a therapist and I don't know your story but in my experience, there is nothing you can other than work on yourself. If the DA/FA person in your life doesn't want to work on themselves, nothing will change.
Yes. Glean as much information that you can. Mine has filed for divorce. I unfortunately didn't find any of this kind of information until right before he left. I hope you can use this information to help them, and yourself.
@Dr.SarahHensley ?? 😟
@@triciaseiter6855 So sorry for your troubles, hope u are ok. Is he also FA with strong DA lean? I think my question above is excellent and very valid. Why don’t content creators answer this question???
@JustMeAndMyBoy he is either fa with a heavy da lean or he is seriously deep da. But 2 weeks with the information was not enough time to adjust and help him gain any more capacity before he broke and left.
I am doing alright... our son is not dealing well with his leaving. His handicaps don't allow him to understand. It's tough.
How did we ever make it to 25 years of marriage?
Is it hard for an avoidant to pay a compliment? I know it is hard complimenting their partner, but even the partner’s possessions like a house, car, etc.?
I’m not Dr. H, but in my 1.5+ years in a romantic relationship with a DA, I have found the answer is *yes* to your question. Also, I’ve noticed they generally don’t express general courtesies like “thank you.” Saying “thank you” probably triggers they received something from someone vs. getting it themselves/being hyper-independent.
@@amyallen3269 tysm. Is yours brutally honest, unintentionally hurtful and/or triggers jealousy or resentment by saying something they shouldn’t, believes being “open and honest” and “a man” is a good thing? Idk if this is a DA trait, or simply his personality.
@@amyallen3269 it's possible someone did things for him in the past and used it as leverage, like to try manipulate him somehow. I'd be tempted to ask, just out of pure curiosity, why he doesn't like using 'thank you' all the time. Just my thoughts
The DA that I knew was a pro at insults disguised as jokes. Not very nice.
Why do you wanna be complimented over your house or car ya freak, wtf narcissist, lol
Do you offer couples therapy?
I do. You can see all my services at my website thedatingdecoder.com.