But functionally it really does look like selfishness because the person is self-centric (but usually they don't revert to this mode of being until the honeymoon period is over, which is when a partner may get the first glimpse of such behaviour).
What an AMAZING podcast. I need to rewatch it a few times until I can recite it by heart. Thank you Dr Hensley! I'm in month 5 of no contact, at this point burnt out by these topics, so I don't watch lenghty videos anymore. And so this was superb, concise, to the point.
Echoing what another commenter said, I would argue that understanding ~why~ someone is selfish, whether by conscious choice or not, doesn't actually change the fact that they ~are~ selfish. Selfish is as selfish does. Someone who deprioritzes the needs of others, and always prioritizes their own needs above those of others, is quintessentially selfish... and their partners need to have the freedom to call it what it is for their own self preservation. It's not okay to be that way in a relationship, and a DA needs to actually demonstrate a willingness to do the challenging work of rewiring before anyone gets too wrapped up in absolving them from responsibility.
Problem is that you can follow all the guidelines on how to not take it personally when your DA partner acts this way, but they won't make a significant change until you can get them into therapy. Although, having a DA partner has its perks... you can learn how to overcome the most brutally cold and heartbreaking experiences like a pro. If you can survive a DA, you can survive anything. ✅
@@googleuser8294 I've answered your question a few times since this post. Anyway, the "perk" I was referring to was based mostly in satire, but it is true in reality. The perk of dating a DA is learning how to withstand the most painful type of pain.
Regardless of the attachment wounding that's behind it, or any of the ways it may potentially deviate from another person's self focus, no matter what semantics you want to use to describe it, the fact of the matter is that their behavior is STILL fundamentally selfish. It just is. Whether it's because they actually think they're more important than everyone else or not, it's honestly wholly irrelevant because it doesn't change the fact that they're entirely self focused at the expense of others. And that's all selfishness is! Selfishness doesn't presume to know the cause or motive behind anything, it's simply the definition for egoistic, self focused behavior. In fact, the actual definition is: 1. concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others. 2. arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others. Which is EXACTLY what you just described! Whatever childhood conditioning may have caused it, the bottom line is that their actions are selfish, full stop.
Married to a DA. Honeymoon phase lasted almost two years until we got married. Thought I had the love of my life. Now it’s just a struggle to get through a conversation. Zero Accountability, Zero concern for their partners well being. Saw so many comments about not worth it and just run. Starting to think they are right. So heartbreaking.
I just dated a girl who I sure was a DA. The 1st date was amazing, every box ticked and the spark and chemistry was there big style. A week later I get ghosted. I was trying to line up the 2nd date yet I just kept getting knocked back with excuse after excuse. I told her how much I liked her to the core and over the course of the following week I get the odd message but nothing more than an odd one liner. A week on from that I get told she can't cope and I'm too much for her. I remember vividly her messaging me on the run up to the 1st date that all she wanted was love and affection, being the type of guy I am I told her I'd be there if things went well between us. 3 weeks on I get the cold shoulder big time. I travelled 90 miles by train to see her and she stood me up. I'm nearly 61 and she is 54, it broke me big style 😢 I can now see she is a DA for sure, wanted the love and affection but when I gave it her she pushed me away saying I was too much. She also told me on the 1st date that she'd had lots of dates before me, interesting how none of those stuck 🤔 I'm just blown away by how this woman could say she wanted someone to love her, then when I try she pushes me away and is really spiteful. The parting words from me were " You just do t know how you've made me feel, broken and shattered after all the hard work I'd put in " I said I was then catching the train to London to have a few drinks on my own and drown my sorrows, her reply was " Have Fun " 😮😮😮😮 how cold and callous can you get !!!!!
Dr. Hensley, after deactivation is it possible to reconnect with them? We are still in touch and she is aware of her DA issues and I acknowledged how badly anxious the deactivation made me.
@@hugorcedeno4394 I can't tell you what to do because it all depends on the good or bad terms in which your communication stopped and the reason of your avoidant to withdraw, among other things. In my case, we had a strong argument. I asked for changes in our dynamic and communication, and she devalued our connection with gaslighting and cruel words. I confronted her knowing she was trying to minimize our situationship and lying to me and herself. Told her I knew that such reaction didnt match her true feelings, but I also said that I would leave voluntarily if she wanted. She said nothing. I texted her the next day. Read. Texted her two days later. Sent. She stopped reading my texts and ignored me for a month. Fast forward 6-7 months. I missed her, wanted to know how she is. I also thought enough was enough and I was ready to accept a rejection if she didnt want any communication. So I sent a long text with my thoughts, and she read it. She replied 8-10 hours later with a brief text, though she admitted she didnt stop thinking about me, and explained a big decline in her physical and emotional health due to personal reasons, a big change in her life. So we are still in touch but we havent talked much since. However, she knows that I'm there for her. If you want an avoidant back, you need a lot of patience and understanding, and you need to be very secure both for yourself and he other person, and you can't let your insecurities sink in. Avoidants feel it and are triggered by that. Hope this helps you in some way.
@@hugorcedeno4394 I can't tell you what to do because you know "every avoidant is different and it depends on the circumstances bla bla bla". I'd recommend you evaluate depending on whether your communication ended on good or bad terms, etc. In my case, we had a strong argument. I asked for changes in our dynamic in terms of communication and she reacted with anger devaluing our connection with cruelty. I told her I knew her feelings didn't match her words, but that I understood her reaction as the result of overwhelming feelings or insecurities and offered her space. Also asked if she wanted me to leave for good. She said nothing. She didn't delete or block me, but she ignored my texts for 6 weeks. I stopped contacting her. Fast forward 6-7 months and I noticed she basically disappeared from social media, so I wondered how she's been. I decided enough was enough and I felt ready to face a possible rejection. So I wrote a long text with several thoughts addressing her concerns and my points of view. She read it almost instantly. She replied 7-8 hours later saying she didn't stop thinking about me and explaining a serious decline in her physical and psychological health due to some big changes in her life. I understood. So we are still in touch but with little to no texting. However I know what's going on and she knows I'm there. Time will tell how everything unfolds, but I worked on myself in the meantime, I know and understand her much better now, and I feel secure enough to handle both her insecurities and my own. So, if you really want an avoidant back, first thing is to give them space. Wait for them to reach out. If they don't and you suspect they normally would have already, assuming you are ready to be blocked or rejected, text them. You will have to throw your pride and ego out the window and show lots of patience and understanding.
@@hugorcedeno4394 I contacted her. Her response was brief, but she said she didn't stop thinking about me and explained a major decline in her physical and psychological health, so I understood her not reaching out. We're still in touch, with little to no communication for now. But when dealing with avoidants, I recommend throwing your ego out the window, lots of patience and understanding, if you really want them back.
But functionally it really does look like selfishness because the person is self-centric (but usually they don't revert to this mode of being until the honeymoon period is over, which is when a partner may get the first glimpse of such behaviour).
What an AMAZING podcast. I need to rewatch it a few times until I can recite it by heart. Thank you Dr Hensley!
I'm in month 5 of no contact, at this point burnt out by these topics, so I don't watch lenghty videos anymore. And so this was superb, concise, to the point.
Echoing what another commenter said, I would argue that understanding ~why~ someone is selfish, whether by conscious choice or not, doesn't actually change the fact that they ~are~ selfish. Selfish is as selfish does. Someone who deprioritzes the needs of others, and always prioritizes their own needs above those of others, is quintessentially selfish... and their partners need to have the freedom to call it what it is for their own self preservation. It's not okay to be that way in a relationship, and a DA needs to actually demonstrate a willingness to do the challenging work of rewiring before anyone gets too wrapped up in absolving them from responsibility.
Problem is that you can follow all the guidelines on how to not take it personally when your DA partner acts this way, but they won't make a significant change until you can get them into therapy. Although, having a DA partner has its perks... you can learn how to overcome the most brutally cold and heartbreaking experiences like a pro. If you can survive a DA, you can survive anything. ✅
What are the DA perks??
@@sf808opalaman you can learn how to overcome almost any kind of pain once you've learned to navigate life with a DA.
What perks?
Please like when answered
@@sf808opalaman building thick skin and learning to navigate pain given to you by the DA.
@@googleuser8294 I've answered your question a few times since this post. Anyway, the "perk" I was referring to was based mostly in satire, but it is true in reality. The perk of dating a DA is learning how to withstand the most painful type of pain.
Regardless of the attachment wounding that's behind it, or any of the ways it may potentially deviate from another person's self focus, no matter what semantics you want to use to describe it, the fact of the matter is that their behavior is STILL fundamentally selfish. It just is.
Whether it's because they actually think they're more important than everyone else or not, it's honestly wholly irrelevant because it doesn't change the fact that they're entirely self focused at the expense of others. And that's all selfishness is! Selfishness doesn't presume to know the cause or motive behind anything, it's simply the definition for egoistic, self focused behavior.
In fact, the actual definition is: 1. concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others. 2. arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others. Which is EXACTLY what you just described! Whatever childhood conditioning may have caused it, the bottom line is that their actions are selfish, full stop.
❤
Married to a DA. Honeymoon phase lasted almost two years until we got married. Thought I had the love of my life. Now it’s just a struggle to get through a conversation. Zero Accountability, Zero concern for their partners well being. Saw so many comments about not worth it and just run. Starting to think they are right. So heartbreaking.
@@baldeagle5835 gotta get em therapy, that's the only way. 😔
As always, so helpful Dr Sarah!
Yup
And it’s similar to autism
I’m autistic. I’m not just pulling the dsm wiki up here.
It's really not!
❤Love it Dr. Sarah Hensley 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Don't send this woman any money. It's a scam. She ripped me off for $130
💯💯💯
Does FA experience something similar?
I just dated a girl who I sure was a DA. The 1st date was amazing, every box ticked and the spark and chemistry was there big style. A week later I get ghosted. I was trying to line up the 2nd date yet I just kept getting knocked back with excuse after excuse. I told her how much I liked her to the core and over the course of the following week I get the odd message but nothing more than an odd one liner. A week on from that I get told she can't cope and I'm too much for her.
I remember vividly her messaging me on the run up to the 1st date that all she wanted was love and affection, being the type of guy I am I told her I'd be there if things went well between us. 3 weeks on I get the cold shoulder big time. I travelled 90 miles by train to see her and she stood me up. I'm nearly 61 and she is 54, it broke me big style 😢
I can now see she is a DA for sure, wanted the love and affection but when I gave it her she pushed me away saying I was too much. She also told me on the 1st date that she'd had lots of dates before me, interesting how none of those stuck 🤔
I'm just blown away by how this woman could say she wanted someone to love her, then when I try she pushes me away and is really spiteful.
The parting words from me were " You just do t know how you've made me feel, broken and shattered after all the hard work I'd put in " I said I was then catching the train to London to have a few drinks on my own and drown my sorrows, her reply was
" Have Fun " 😮😮😮😮 how cold and callous can you get !!!!!
Dr. Hensley, after deactivation is it possible to reconnect with them? We are still in touch and she is aware of her DA issues and I acknowledged how badly anxious the deactivation made me.
Totally possible. Just reconnected with a DA after 6-7 months. Give it time
@@alanrodriguez210 Are you for real? Who started the reconnection? You or the DA? Should I wait while staying lightly in touch or do no contact?
@@hugorcedeno4394 I can't tell you what to do because it all depends on the good or bad terms in which your communication stopped and the reason of your avoidant to withdraw, among other things.
In my case, we had a strong argument. I asked for changes in our dynamic and communication, and she devalued our connection with gaslighting and cruel words. I confronted her knowing she was trying to minimize our situationship and lying to me and herself. Told her I knew that such reaction didnt match her true feelings, but I also said that I would leave voluntarily if she wanted. She said nothing. I texted her the next day. Read. Texted her two days later. Sent. She stopped reading my texts and ignored me for a month.
Fast forward 6-7 months. I missed her, wanted to know how she is. I also thought enough was enough and I was ready to accept a rejection if she didnt want any communication.
So I sent a long text with my thoughts, and she read it. She replied 8-10 hours later with a brief text, though she admitted she didnt stop thinking about me, and explained a big decline in her physical and emotional health due to personal reasons, a big change in her life. So we are still in touch but we havent talked much since. However, she knows that I'm there for her.
If you want an avoidant back, you need a lot of patience and understanding, and you need to be very secure both for yourself and he other person, and you can't let your insecurities sink in. Avoidants feel it and are triggered by that.
Hope this helps you in some way.
@@hugorcedeno4394 I can't tell you what to do because you know "every avoidant is different and it depends on the circumstances bla bla bla". I'd recommend you evaluate depending on whether your communication ended on good or bad terms, etc.
In my case, we had a strong argument. I asked for changes in our dynamic in terms of communication and she reacted with anger devaluing our connection with cruelty. I told her I knew her feelings didn't match her words, but that I understood her reaction as the result of overwhelming feelings or insecurities and offered her space. Also asked if she wanted me to leave for good. She said nothing. She didn't delete or block me, but she ignored my texts for 6 weeks. I stopped contacting her.
Fast forward 6-7 months and I noticed she basically disappeared from social media, so I wondered how she's been. I decided enough was enough and I felt ready to face a possible rejection. So I wrote a long text with several thoughts addressing her concerns and my points of view. She read it almost instantly. She replied 7-8 hours later saying she didn't stop thinking about me and explaining a serious decline in her physical and psychological health due to some big changes in her life. I understood. So we are still in touch but with little to no texting. However I know what's going on and she knows I'm there. Time will tell how everything unfolds, but I worked on myself in the meantime, I know and understand her much better now, and I feel secure enough to handle both her insecurities and my own.
So, if you really want an avoidant back, first thing is to give them space. Wait for them to reach out. If they don't and you suspect they normally would have already, assuming you are ready to be blocked or rejected, text them. You will have to throw your pride and ego out the window and show lots of patience and understanding.
@@hugorcedeno4394 I contacted her. Her response was brief, but she said she didn't stop thinking about me and explained a major decline in her physical and psychological health, so I understood her not reaching out. We're still in touch, with little to no communication for now. But when dealing with avoidants, I recommend throwing your ego out the window, lots of patience and understanding, if you really want them back.
💯❤
💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 Dr. Sarah Hensley! baai1 baai3