I just hate how he literally admitted he was a mess not talking to me, missed me deeply, wants marriage, kids, etc., and then proceeded to ghost me AGAIN the day after this conversation. He’s terrified of me. I’ve known this man for 20 years and I finally gave him another chance now that we are freakin 40. I keep giving him space, but we live 1500 miles apart as it is now. How much more space does one need?! I’m just so sad.
I’m so sorry. It must be so difficult to go through. Avoidants are an awful love attachment style to fall in love with. It’s such a slow, painful process. One step forward, three steps back. Maybe it’s time to do what you need to do for yourself
@@zacpdx yup. I had cut him out for years, and he acted like a complete simp for me the entire time. The minute I finally let my guard down, he freaked out and keeps ghosting me every time he gets the nerve to call again. They really never change. You’d think a 40 year old man would stop acting like a 17 year old boy, but apparently not. 🙄
@@Barbie4U2 I’m lucky I cut him out for 20 years up until recently, so I’m just hoping I can go back to ignoring him. He’s never stopped pursuing me after all this time, so I finally figured I’d give him a chance again. Big mistake.
He’s scared of his feelings. If you can’t handle the rollercoaster, then feel free to step off before you need to strap in again. You already know what it is and it’ll only slow down once to get to a healthy rhythm but that takes time and steady support.
My ex GF finally reached out to me after exactly 6 months of no contact! She is a textbook DA as she said she didn't even remember why we broke up cause it was so long ago. She definitely doesn't want to talk about the conflict or her feelings at all. I am keeping her in the friend zone until she figures herself out, which will likely be never. I've learned so much from your videos. Now I feel like I know how to handle the situation much better.
This is my ex to a T. Amazing person and wanted to do everything and anything I wanted to do and loved everything about the little things that I did and one day she was just done. Granted I definitely got comfortable but shit when I saw that I changed so fast but it was too late. Almost at month 4 of no contact and still nothing. I’ll be reaching out this Sunday and if I don’t get a response I’m just going to send her stuff back and move on. What do I have to lose! I’m an amazing person and anyone would be blessed to have me and especially this new me in their life!
@@no.5810 be brave, trust me. I'm an anxious person (secure now), no one is more forgiving than the anxious, especially since it's only been 3 weeks. The more you delay, the longer you hurt him
@@no.5810 maybe its time to be divinely selfish, what if you just aimed to be your best self, to like who you are being more than focusing on rejection, you get to grow, and they get to test if that is real and hold their boundaries for healthy relating, it will take some practice and some trustbuilding by choosing to work on it as the act of love, but the promise is greater times, fun and growth and deeper trust and ultimately healing. Those outcomes are %100 not possible by dropping the person. I say lean into what can be learned even if in the face of rejection, get into the habit of asking "tell me more" while telling yourself this is helping you grow. Nothing wrong with Divinely selfish.
Mine blame shifted all of his financial (and other) issues on me. It has been awful being blocked.. but I’m so sick and tired of being exhausted about the WHAT IFS. What if he randomly calls and said the breakup was a mistake… I deserve better. Just blocked him back. And it feels incredible.
That's crazy - my ex GF (together for 12 years) became an RN in her late 30's with my help because that was supposed to help our family & us. She recently got a good job then discarded me. We have a child together & she has 2 other kids as well. Funny enough, I'm way better off financially myself and she's struggling more than ever and will tell me that I'm trying to make her look bad by taking our daughter out shopping & buying her a bunch of stuff. I guess I'm a bad dad when I try to do nice things for my daughter
I think it's best if the FA/DA speaks to me first, asks me out first, not the other way around. Avoidants easily feel pressure so it's better when they made the first moves to start the relationship.
Ahh, Tais. You always have such helpful words of wisdom. I think that the danger I see is that taking this person back requires me to adopt the role of a hyper-sympathetic person- more a therapist than a lover- and that probably isn't good for me or for her. Sadly.
I would say for myself personally and many FAs, I wouldn't even gauge one whole days' feelings as being accurate enough to make a serious relationship or life decision. A week minimum in most cases. Since we don't tend to feel our feelings in real time/know our needs, it takes me so long to figure out what's going on in my head and heart and why. I could be deactivating, have an unmet need, a boundary to set and have to process conceptually and emotionally to figure out what I actually think and feel first! Often it's something that is a non issue by the time I've done all that, and it's better to see patterns over time and decide what I need to do or let go of.
I'm not sure why because this particular topic is different, but this video reminds me of a conversation I had with my FA friend. She pointed out how we had known each other for ever a decade and was essentially saying I don't tell her everything. She was vague on what she wanted to know, so it didn't make much sense to me. One day however, it hit me that she wanted me to talk about how I feel about things (something I don't do), and apparently thinks I deliberately keep those things from her. However, this is not true as I simply don't share those things. If she brings any of this up again, I can now attach the necessary titles and let her know it's nothing personal. Great video!
Good morning SifuBlack! 🌞 Yes I completely understand her not verbalizing specifics as I used to be just like this. It's funny because my guy still surprises me with details that I had no idea about over the years. I love details because it covers all of the nuances in a story or conversation but I had to realize not everyone is like that. He has actually started doing this on his own. Adding in the extra because he knows how my brain works. Lol
I had an FA friend who ruined a great thing with me by wanting to know my business. Sorry sweetheart, you're crippled by anxiety, unable to deal with the simplest obstacle before you. Why on earth would I show you the colossal weight I've learned to carry?
@@WrittenMysteries I suffer from anxiety preoccupied attachment style...I'm great at carrying others' burdens. Maybe give her a chance to prove herself. Sounds like your handicap, not hers 🤷♀️
@@no.5810 I did. She panicked and told me to call a professional. That's what ruined the friendship. I'm trusting my gut in the future. Some can handle extra stress, some can't.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant Grand rising! 🌞 Funny you should mention all of this because I just got off the phone with her and she's interested in finding it more about attachment theory. I've told her about it over the past year, but I guess today she started to pay attention, lol. We're going to sit and binge watch some of Thais's videos so she can figure out which one she thinks she is! That said, love that your guy gets it! When you're aware of how an individual thinks, you can easily present things in a way they'll positively respond! Great on you both making the effort to communicate in a way that helps you both!
12:08 I've recently started paying attention to how often I withhold communication or tell everyone except the person I'm involved with how I feel or what I want. The fearful part drives this because it's hard for me to articulate directly to a person especially verbally (but I've been told repeatedly that long emotional texts are inappropriate and easily misunderstood or overlooked or ignored). A lot of quick mental moves that land me on "it's pointless to try to explain, they probably don't want to hear it or will just tell me how I'm wrong for feeling or wanting or they're flat out not going to comply." It's such a knee jerk/default response to withdraw and wall off and start plotting my escape. It feels like the only right response in the moment. But recently I've started to consider how it feels from the other end. So often I tend to think others don't care how I feel that I assume they don't have any feelings towards me that I need to be mindful of. So i feel ok being tight lipped and unexpressive, about problems or concerns for sure but even with compliments and expressing positive feelings. All that vulnerability just feels dangerous 😢
@@aspiringrootwoman24 I'm FA. SP is DA. Each time I've allowed myself to be vulnerable, it's yielded positive results and the relationship took a slow step forward.
12:58 it’s when I communicate my needs and they don’t care or brush me off and I try and try and try to communicate that eventually I give up and turn avoidant. Then I regret it.. but.. it wasn’t me. It was them. It’s horrible when your need triggers their feelings and they blame you for “making them feel bad about themselves”.. over the thing that you need. Endless circles of hell is what that is.
It's just not worth it, I've dealt with this from my last partner. You having ANY relationship needs or intimacy will trigger them eventually. It's like walking in a minefield. You don't feel secure with them. LOVE isn't enough and at some point you don't feel LOVED at all. I've been in therapy for over a year. She didn't seem interested at the idea acting like not everyone needs it. She needs to work on herself. I need a partner willing to do any higher level relationship attributes. Relationships in themselves are basically a trigger for avoidants and trust me, not worth it. Especially when they don't want to meet you halfway (or in reality 10 percent to your 90 percent). Keep looking for someone willing to do the work of what REAL relationships are, not the perfect always honeymoon fantasy they believe relationships should be.
Only the other man that she is with can help you. Sorry, but that's the truth. Once he is finishing Rim Rodding her from behind, only then....she will come to her senses. I've been there so I know sorry man.
Mine broke it off with me saying he felt to much pain when he knew he would disappoint me..he couldn’t deal with feeling the pain , he felt letting me down. He was good at sharing w me , we talked before and he opened up saying he was scared in this relationship , that it was so good since so many bad ones. But I did not get what he needed. He would not share his need. Just said I'm scared, but I want to be in this with you. Then breaks up w me .
I’m assuming this is a reupload, because I swear I saw this and heard this earlier going through your catalog… regardless, it’s good to hear it again. A curious, securely attached person here 👋🏽 , and everything expressed here mirrors the actions/thought process of my ex. She broke up with me earlier this week and we did talk about a lot of these things within our relationship, so I know that she’s also aware and reflective enough to recognize the FA attachment style she has. It’s comforting to hear your journey. I really do hope she can have a similar outcome because she’s an amazing person and she is worthy of love (as we all are). I would have hoped she could be at that point now but she’s definitely on her way there if she chooses to continue to confront these things. I’m grieving the future I thought we both were building towards. Nonetheless, I leave the relationship (& I think she does as well) with good memories, happy times, and no distaste. Still sorrowful that we couldn’t grow further together but grateful that we both got to experience the type of relationship we created for each other.
That is such a beautiful take on your situation, i feel the same about my FA partner. They need time and space and all we can do is accept it and be grateful for the wonderful time we shared with them
I'm a bloody California MFT and I'd never even understood this dynamic in a relationship of this nature. Boom. Confused, intense pain and grief, abandoned. And the hope that pops up just when I don't need it. My warehouse is effing full. No contact for me but its hard not to, when still logistically entwined. Been a month. Even though I'm an atheist, pray for me.
My FA recently ended a relationship that was honestly beautiful. We never had arguments or mean moments in the year we were together, if I had an issue, I would address it calmly with him. Then one day about a month ago, he just suddenly broke up with me saying “I don’t want this. We have a few problems that have easy solutions, but I don’t want to fix them.” And that was that. It’s been a long process because I had already gotten him things for Christmas and his mom got me something that we have to exchange, but it still really hurts. The only reason I watch these videos is because this is the only thing that helps me understand why he decided that we couldn’t continue our beautiful life together anymore. I’m unfortunately going to have to go NC after the gift exchange for the sake of my emotional well-being.
I had a FA dump me flat on my ass when I desperately needed emotional support, only to complain a year later when I didn't tell her I was dating someone else until several months into my new relationship. Um...
My ex said she needed time to deal with some issues and I assumed she was being fearful avoidant but then I found out she cheated lol so idk if she’s a narcissist or if she’s fearful and was triggered by something I said or did and decided to cheat
Ouch man, im pretty sure mine did too. Luckily she did a slow fade so by the time she finally ended it by a text message after 12 years & a child together I was prepared. So did yours cheat and then it ended when she broke up or it still continued after she broke up with you? Sorry you went through this. Honestly looking back now, she was doing literally nothing for me while i did everything. Single life is pretty good. Lol
@ yeah literally I did everything for her, I would get up at 4am to drive across the city of Houston to pick her up and drop her off on the other side of Houston at her job. I planned all the dates and everything, she never once did a romantic thing for me. She cheated and lied about it completely. I only found out 15 days later because she posted a picture with him. After that I did some investigating and found him on socials. I messaged him asking when they started talking. They started talking around the beginning of October and she emotionally neglected me while entertaining him. Then made plans with him around the 11th and broke up with me that same weekend
@ I can’t imagine having children and then having to go through that. It’s part of the reason I haven’t started a family. I don’t think I could endure the pain tbh
Was in a 5 year relationship. (3.5 years long distance, 1.5 years living together, 2 months engaged). Everything was fine, she seemed happy, talking about the future and us having kids. She woke up the next day and asked for space to figure things out. 3 weeks later she broke up with me and said she wasn’t happy with herself and was really confused. She was never cold towards me and was crying when she ended the relationship, so idk if this is what it is. I just don’t understand and don’t know what happened. She says she still loves me and still in love with me so I don’t get it.
My FA situationship said she valued me and didn’t want to lose me and wanted to be friends but I didn’t give in to her demands and we had to go our separate ways. It’s been almost 6 months and she still hasn’t contacted me but remains in my steam friends and added on discord. Am I cooked? Am I delulu? I want her back so bad…
She'll never be the person you want her to be, especially if all you ever had was a situationship. She'll hold a small candle for you but also for lots of others you understand. Delete her contact info and work on moving on from her.
This is so me right now. She sounds like my good friend. We talk about dating and she says " I'm afraid i will get weird and destroy the relationship and it will kill our friendship". Other times she will say you deserve better and I don't want to drag you down. Then 3 hours after saying this she sleeps over and we have great sex...
FA dumped me almost 4 months ago. No contact for 2 months now. And she blocked me on almost everything after my last heart felt message to her. I doubt shes coming back😢
Call it a lucky escape and block her so she can't screw you over again - which she will, when she senses you're beginning to move on. These people are not normal, and they don't play by normal rules. It's all about them, and they won't think twice about sucking you in for another eggshell-walking roller-coaster ride with another dumping at the end of it.
@@jdub1788 Technically 3 - at the end of the third round she tried it on again and I put her on a warning, which led to a two-three week period in which she did her best to goad me into giving her both barrels - major disrespect and personal attacks. The final straw was her booking a weekend away with friends without telling me on a weekend we'd already planned out, and offering me a Tuesday off work screwing her as compensation (she is out of work the mo) My reply: "I'm not home." Drove to her flat and she got her both barrels and used it as the excuse "finish with me" via WhatsApp message - handily forgetting I'd already finished with her an hour before after explaining why 🤣🤣 She also threatened to block me if I didn't "accept her decision" 🤪🤣🤣🤣 She never blocked me of course - just sat there watching everything. Friday I blocked her. Better things to do, nicer people to see.
@@harry-james-books you seem pretty triggered! I wish you can heal all that. Someday you’ll understand all therapists talking about DAs/FAs are actually saying about them all the OPPOSITE from what you’re repeating here. 👍🏽
I'm an FA but have never been accused of those characteristics ever. I actually overgive and have lots of empathy. The worst you could accuse me of is showing mixed signals because I get so overwhelmed in my mind I take time to process. I've never betrayed anyone, cheated or backstabbed. I think those characteristics you mentioned could be any insecure attachment style or a narcissist and isn't specified to FAs
@@suras8984 FA can be so close to Quiet BPD and Covert Narc Professionals can't separate them. From what you've said, you sound more AA than classic FA, who will drift into lovey-dovey then almost immediatly sabotage the relationship to stop all that nonsense
I’m a “barely” secure FA. I’ve been in PDS for 6 months and working on myself for 20 years but PDS is like the finishing school of therapy. Trust is EVERYTHING for an FA. (Transparency too). If you break my trust, things will never be the same again. Here’s the thing - I don’t recall which of the million videos I learned this from but, a FA defense mechanism is that we do not like people we don’t trust. If I don’t trust someone then they repel me and I will ice you out. I am aware of this now so I’m making efforts to not go to such an extreme as to dislike and ice, but it takes every ounce of security I do have to not swing all the way to disliking someone. I will give you grace to your face but you are at arms length with me - full wingspan arms length. Can’t wait to be a year into secure attachment. I just broke up with my DA ex 4 days ago. I refuse to let it get me down. For my fellow Christians - I began this strategy on day one: every single time I get a pain pang, I say the Lord’s Prayer. I must said it 10 times yesterday. It is really helping. By the time I get to “Forever, Amen”, I have peace and the Lord is thrilled that I am turning to Him.
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
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Hi, I do have a question about FA in the early stages of dating. I’ve been seeing an FA for about six weeks now. ( we’ve know each other for about 2 years). It’s a bit of a situationship right now, I’ve been putting in all the effort, and I’m unsure with what the future holds. My question is, she wasn’t super infatuated in the beginning of us dating. She mentioned in previous relationships she would be with them all the time and put her needs aside, yet with me it’s way more linear. What does that mean exactly? I would say I’m much more healthy than other people she’s dated/ been in a relationship just with taking to her and what she’s shared. As a preface I’m studying psychology and she’s an AMFT. She knows she’s an avoidant, we’ve talked about it. I’m curious about the beginning stages with infactuation because I keep hearing that’s how FA’s are, yet in my case it was not that way, much more linear. Idk if it’s because I’m more healthy, or what. Would love some insight. Thank you!!
so what happened? she said something similar to "She mentioned in previous relationships she would be with them all the time and put her needs aside, yet with me it’s way more linear." she dumped me because we "argued" too often and where incompatible after 6 months..
Why in these videos do they never mention that the AF takes 10 or 14 or 18 months to return? Coaches always mention that it will be a few weeks or maximum 3 months but in my experience my FA ex has taken 10 and 13 months to come back and by not mentioning it in the videos they make you believe that you have definitely lost your partner.
Exactly. It’s always at least 12 months. And it’s a healthy expectation. Both people need time to grow and heal and become better and more understanding of each others attachments.
I am definitely an FA, but I make my boundaries clear and express my needs. I never regret a break up. If I think about an ex, the first thoughts that come to mind are the negative reasons for the break up.
Sorry to hear that. The main thing to do is to simply focus on yourself. Its cliche but honestly time heals all. Try to shift your energy away from wondering why it happened and try not to check up on them. Just do the things you enjoy, with people you enjoy, try new hobbies, go new places. Just keep on living your life. Over time, when it isnt as raw you can look back and it won’t hurt as much. Reflect on your part in the relationship. Is there anything you can improve on for your next relationship.. Any situations where you should of responded differently etc. Healing isnt super straight forward. Everyone is different. Just try figure out what gives you peace and makes you feel better. For me journalling really helped and just talking to people. Best of luck with everything, keep your head up. It will eventually get better i promise
Check your codependency, understand we can’t help those who don’t want to get better. By thinking you know what’s better for her you are 1. Being codependent 2. Taking her autonomy away. She is a grown up, yeah, hurt in childhood, bla bla, but let’s not pity anybody. Work on codependency, and legit close that door, find yourself, it seems you have issues too, bc you wouldn’t be stuck so much on somebody who doesn’t love you, sorry, but an ex is an ex. You deserve better. Legit work on codependency. Maybe do MBSR or smth Good luck
So those that are of the Fearful Attachment also have some traits 16:18 of the Anxious Attachment as well? I go to counseling and that's who told me about the attachments... I took your test and it came back as fearful which my counselor and I thought I was anxious type but now I see why. I'm going thru a rough time with my GF or Ex idk what we are cuz I believe she's the dismissive type, barely speaks to me until she's ready or needs something... She was the 1st I actually gave all of myself to her but what I've always been afraid of, abandonment, is precisely what she did and now I'm flip flopping with wanting her/despising her
Is this not kind of the same? Being overwhelmed with intimacy and wanting to break out due to the triggered state and not communicating the need of needing space to be less triggered. I think it’s the same. My ex at least broke up bcs of both. I mentioned that I need more intimacy (for reasons of trust issues that she created by hiding things) and she got hurt and actually mentioned that she does not want to talk about the topic for months. So she did eventually break up before I could because of both reasons
I reached out to mine, checking on their well being I didn’t even clock until after I said I wouldn’t reach out again. From the last reach out but I was just worried about them mentally she was triggered or upset or not ready I got blocked after 20 something mins. tried checking twice once a month after no contact and 7 months later got aired again, I’m done now but I feel bad in some ways I did say in each message you don’t have to reach out. I’m scared she hates me. But we live and learn from our mistakes just frustrating I was endless breadcrumbed yet I get blocked after a message but my advice don’t reach out
Probably a bad reach out strategy. I think the best method for dealing with them is permanent no contact and allowing them to reach out of their own free will. Think about it: if someone is meant for you, and their feelings for you are strong, it will inevitably overpower their fear. It’s that simple
@@DBUification that’s the thing I knew all this and I had a moment of weakness just went into a panic and surely after thought about this and I feel like a fool, I’m going to put my head down and say silence and continue working on growth thank you so much for your words and understanding helps everything in this time
It depends on whether your anxiously attached or not as well as what caused the breakup. AAs can be extremely overwhelming to the FA which triggers their avoidant side. I'm am FA
@@suras8984 yeah I’m anxious and well she said she was questioning her feelings for me, but I just saw different things to apply she’s struggling and a celebrity I liked recently killed themselves and I think it triggered me I was so scared she might be hurting and got it in my head if I don’t reach out and something happened I’ll not be able to function and got so wrapped in my own head and own it wasn’t my best move but we burn and learn I guess thanks though
@@suras8984 yes I’m anxious and yeah she said she was questioning if she lost feelings for me and a month later I asked her and she said in that moment she lost, and a lot of it was confusing and not making sense but thank you for the advice
She’s cracking jokes about dating and liking doms / fems and being a lover girl 5 days after our breakup. We were together for 5 years and she left after making a new friend group
I just hate how he literally admitted he was a mess not talking to me, missed me deeply, wants marriage, kids, etc., and then proceeded to ghost me AGAIN the day after this conversation. He’s terrified of me. I’ve known this man for 20 years and I finally gave him another chance now that we are freakin 40. I keep giving him space, but we live 1500 miles apart as it is now. How much more space does one need?! I’m just so sad.
I’m so sorry. It must be so difficult to go through. Avoidants are an awful love attachment style to fall in love with. It’s such a slow, painful process. One step forward, three steps back. Maybe it’s time to do what you need to do for yourself
Can’t fix anyone. If it’s been this long, it’s time to move on…
@@zacpdx yup. I had cut him out for years, and he acted like a complete simp for me the entire time. The minute I finally let my guard down, he freaked out and keeps ghosting me every time he gets the nerve to call again. They really never change. You’d think a 40 year old man would stop acting like a 17 year old boy, but apparently not. 🙄
@@Barbie4U2 I’m lucky I cut him out for 20 years up until recently, so I’m just hoping I can go back to ignoring him. He’s never stopped pursuing me after all this time, so I finally figured I’d give him a chance again. Big mistake.
He’s scared of his feelings. If you can’t handle the rollercoaster, then feel free to step off before you need to strap in again. You already know what it is and it’ll only slow down once to get to a healthy rhythm but that takes time and steady support.
My ex GF finally reached out to me after exactly 6 months of no contact! She is a textbook DA as she said she didn't even remember why we broke up cause it was so long ago. She definitely doesn't want to talk about the conflict or her feelings at all. I am keeping her in the friend zone until she figures herself out, which will likely be never. I've learned so much from your videos. Now I feel like I know how to handle the situation much better.
Get a new woman then post your new love ! Mirror her then SPLIT !!
This is my ex to a T. Amazing person and wanted to do everything and anything I wanted to do and loved everything about the little things that I did and one day she was just done. Granted I definitely got comfortable but shit when I saw that I changed so fast but it was too late. Almost at month 4 of no contact and still nothing. I’ll be reaching out this Sunday and if I don’t get a response I’m just going to send her stuff back and move on. What do I have to lose! I’m an amazing person and anyone would be blessed to have me and especially this new me in their life!
Same happened to me, im on a month of no contact, tell me how it goes for you on sunday
how did it go?😊
Oh my word. This is me. I broke up 3 weeks ago to end my pain. Regreting it. Should have dealt with the pain differently.
Oops.
If you really regret it then take your accountability😁
@saudlukmanofficial3793 If I'm brave enough, I might contact him, open up and be honest, but will need to face being rejected.
@@no.5810 be brave, trust me. I'm an anxious person (secure now), no one is more forgiving than the anxious, especially since it's only been 3 weeks. The more you delay, the longer you hurt him
@@no.5810 maybe its time to be divinely selfish, what if you just aimed to be your best self, to like who you are being more than focusing on rejection, you get to grow, and they get to test if that is real and hold their boundaries for healthy relating, it will take some practice and some trustbuilding by choosing to work on it as the act of love, but the promise is greater times, fun and growth and deeper trust and ultimately healing. Those outcomes are %100 not possible by dropping the person. I say lean into what can be learned even if in the face of rejection, get into the habit of asking "tell me more" while telling yourself this is helping you grow. Nothing wrong with Divinely selfish.
Mine blame shifted all of his financial (and other) issues on me. It has been awful being blocked.. but I’m so sick and tired of being exhausted about the WHAT IFS. What if he randomly calls and said the breakup was a mistake… I deserve better. Just blocked him back. And it feels incredible.
That's crazy - my ex GF (together for 12 years) became an RN in her late 30's with my help because that was supposed to help our family & us. She recently got a good job then discarded me. We have a child together & she has 2 other kids as well. Funny enough, I'm way better off financially myself and she's struggling more than ever and will tell me that I'm trying to make her look bad by taking our daughter out shopping & buying her a bunch of stuff. I guess I'm a bad dad when I try to do nice things for my daughter
I think it's best if the FA/DA speaks to me first, asks me out first,
not the other way around. Avoidants easily feel pressure so it's better when they made the first moves to start the relationship.
Ahh, Tais. You always have such helpful words of wisdom. I think that the danger I see is that taking this person back requires me to adopt the role of a hyper-sympathetic person- more a therapist than a lover- and that probably isn't good for me or for her. Sadly.
I would say for myself personally and many FAs, I wouldn't even gauge one whole days' feelings as being accurate enough to make a serious relationship or life decision. A week minimum in most cases. Since we don't tend to feel our feelings in real time/know our needs, it takes me so long to figure out what's going on in my head and heart and why. I could be deactivating, have an unmet need, a boundary to set and have to process conceptually and emotionally to figure out what I actually think and feel first! Often it's something that is a non issue by the time I've done all that, and it's better to see patterns over time and decide what I need to do or let go of.
I'm not sure why because this particular topic is different, but this video reminds me of a conversation I had with my FA friend. She pointed out how we had known each other for ever a decade and was essentially saying I don't tell her everything. She was vague on what she wanted to know, so it didn't make much sense to me. One day however, it hit me that she wanted me to talk about how I feel about things (something I don't do), and apparently thinks I deliberately keep those things from her. However, this is not true as I simply don't share those things. If she brings any of this up again, I can now attach the necessary titles and let her know it's nothing personal. Great video!
Good morning SifuBlack! 🌞 Yes I completely understand her not verbalizing specifics as I used to be just like this. It's funny because my guy still surprises me with details that I had no idea about over the years. I love details because it covers all of the nuances in a story or conversation but I had to realize not everyone is like that. He has actually started doing this on his own. Adding in the extra because he knows how my brain works. Lol
I had an FA friend who ruined a great thing with me by wanting to know my business. Sorry sweetheart, you're crippled by anxiety, unable to deal with the simplest obstacle before you. Why on earth would I show you the colossal weight I've learned to carry?
@@WrittenMysteries I suffer from anxiety preoccupied attachment style...I'm great at carrying others' burdens. Maybe give her a chance to prove herself. Sounds like your handicap, not hers 🤷♀️
@@no.5810 I did. She panicked and told me to call a professional. That's what ruined the friendship. I'm trusting my gut in the future. Some can handle extra stress, some can't.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant Grand rising! 🌞 Funny you should mention all of this because I just got off the phone with her and she's interested in finding it more about attachment theory. I've told her about it over the past year, but I guess today she started to pay attention, lol. We're going to sit and binge watch some of Thais's videos so she can figure out which one she thinks she is!
That said, love that your guy gets it! When you're aware of how an individual thinks, you can easily present things in a way they'll positively respond! Great on you both making the effort to communicate in a way that helps you both!
12:08 I've recently started paying attention to how often I withhold communication or tell everyone except the person I'm involved with how I feel or what I want. The fearful part drives this because it's hard for me to articulate directly to a person especially verbally (but I've been told repeatedly that long emotional texts are inappropriate and easily misunderstood or overlooked or ignored). A lot of quick mental moves that land me on "it's pointless to try to explain, they probably don't want to hear it or will just tell me how I'm wrong for feeling or wanting or they're flat out not going to comply." It's such a knee jerk/default response to withdraw and wall off and start plotting my escape. It feels like the only right response in the moment. But recently I've started to consider how it feels from the other end. So often I tend to think others don't care how I feel that I assume they don't have any feelings towards me that I need to be mindful of. So i feel ok being tight lipped and unexpressive, about problems or concerns for sure but even with compliments and expressing positive feelings. All that vulnerability just feels dangerous 😢
@@aspiringrootwoman24 I'm FA. SP is DA. Each time I've allowed myself to be vulnerable, it's yielded positive results and the relationship took a slow step forward.
12:58 it’s when I communicate my needs and they don’t care or brush me off and I try and try and try to communicate that eventually I give up and turn avoidant. Then I regret it.. but.. it wasn’t me. It was them. It’s horrible when your need triggers their feelings and they blame you for “making them feel bad about themselves”.. over the thing that you need. Endless circles of hell is what that is.
It's just not worth it, I've dealt with this from my last partner. You having ANY relationship needs or intimacy will trigger them eventually. It's like walking in a minefield. You don't feel secure with them. LOVE isn't enough and at some point you don't feel LOVED at all. I've been in therapy for over a year. She didn't seem interested at the idea acting like not everyone needs it. She needs to work on herself. I need a partner willing to do any higher level relationship attributes. Relationships in themselves are basically a trigger for avoidants and trust me, not worth it. Especially when they don't want to meet you halfway (or in reality 10 percent to your 90 percent). Keep looking for someone willing to do the work of what REAL relationships are, not the perfect always honeymoon fantasy they believe relationships should be.
If an FA finished with you...their door will be open. Walk through it if you're both committed to growth.
💯💯💯
Im scared of being rejected a second or third Time.
@@gracetomaszczyk2145my count is in the seventies over 7 years.
@@gracetomaszczyk2145 how did they reject you the 1st time?
God, I hope that’s true.
This describes my wifes behavior so perfectly. I pray that i can help guide her to healing and we can be together again.
Only the other man that she is with can help you. Sorry, but that's the truth. Once he is finishing Rim Rodding her from behind, only then....she will come to her senses. I've been there so I know sorry man.
Is she your wife or are yall not togetger. What
Mine broke it off with me saying he felt to much pain when he knew he would disappoint me..he couldn’t deal with feeling the pain , he felt letting me down.
He was good at sharing w me , we talked before and he opened up saying he was scared in this relationship , that it was so good since so many bad ones. But I did not get what he needed. He would not share his need. Just said I'm scared, but I want to be in this with you. Then breaks up w me .
Heartbreaking
I’m assuming this is a reupload, because I swear I saw this and heard this earlier going through your catalog… regardless, it’s good to hear it again. A curious, securely attached person here 👋🏽 , and everything expressed here mirrors the actions/thought process of my ex. She broke up with me earlier this week and we did talk about a lot of these things within our relationship, so I know that she’s also aware and reflective enough to recognize the FA attachment style she has. It’s comforting to hear your journey. I really do hope she can have a similar outcome because she’s an amazing person and she is worthy of love (as we all are). I would have hoped she could be at that point now but she’s definitely on her way there if she chooses to continue to confront these things. I’m grieving the future I thought we both were building towards. Nonetheless, I leave the relationship (& I think she does as well) with good memories, happy times, and no distaste. Still sorrowful that we couldn’t grow further together but grateful that we both got to experience the type of relationship we created for each other.
That is such a beautiful take on your situation, i feel the same about my FA partner. They need time and space and all we can do is accept it and be grateful for the wonderful time we shared with them
FA here. I regretted the break up after 6 months.
What made you realize this after 6 months if you don’t mind me asking ?
Why did you break up in the first place and what did you regret?
Hopefully they'd moved on
I'm also FA and I ALWAYS regret it/start missing the person after exactly 6 months.
But wht do u do? Did u reach out?
I'm a bloody California MFT and I'd never even understood this dynamic in a relationship of this nature. Boom. Confused, intense pain and grief, abandoned.
And the hope that pops up just when I don't need it.
My warehouse is effing full. No contact for me but its hard not to, when still logistically entwined. Been a month. Even though I'm an atheist, pray for me.
My FA recently ended a relationship that was honestly beautiful. We never had arguments or mean moments in the year we were together, if I had an issue, I would address it calmly with him. Then one day about a month ago, he just suddenly broke up with me saying “I don’t want this. We have a few problems that have easy solutions, but I don’t want to fix them.” And that was that. It’s been a long process because I had already gotten him things for Christmas and his mom got me something that we have to exchange, but it still really hurts. The only reason I watch these videos is because this is the only thing that helps me understand why he decided that we couldn’t continue our beautiful life together anymore. I’m unfortunately going to have to go NC after the gift exchange for the sake of my emotional well-being.
I had a FA dump me flat on my ass when I desperately needed emotional support, only to complain a year later when I didn't tell her I was dating someone else until several months into my new relationship. Um...
My ex said she needed time to deal with some issues and I assumed she was being fearful avoidant but then I found out she cheated lol so idk if she’s a narcissist or if she’s fearful and was triggered by something I said or did and decided to cheat
Ouch man, im pretty sure mine did too. Luckily she did a slow fade so by the time she finally ended it by a text message after 12 years & a child together I was prepared. So did yours cheat and then it ended when she broke up or it still continued after she broke up with you?
Sorry you went through this. Honestly looking back now, she was doing literally nothing for me while i did everything. Single life is pretty good. Lol
@ yeah literally I did everything for her, I would get up at 4am to drive across the city of Houston to pick her up and drop her off on the other side of Houston at her job. I planned all the dates and everything, she never once did a romantic thing for me. She cheated and lied about it completely. I only found out 15 days later because she posted a picture with him. After that I did some investigating and found him on socials. I messaged him asking when they started talking. They started talking around the beginning of October and she emotionally neglected me while entertaining him. Then made plans with him around the 11th and broke up with me that same weekend
@ I can’t imagine having children and then having to go through that. It’s part of the reason I haven’t started a family. I don’t think I could endure the pain tbh
Was in a 5 year relationship. (3.5 years long distance, 1.5 years living together, 2 months engaged). Everything was fine, she seemed happy, talking about the future and us having kids. She woke up the next day and asked for space to figure things out. 3 weeks later she broke up with me and said she wasn’t happy with herself and was really confused. She was never cold towards me and was crying when she ended the relationship, so idk if this is what it is. I just don’t understand and don’t know what happened. She says she still loves me and still in love with me so I don’t get it.
My FA situationship said she valued me and didn’t want to lose me and wanted to be friends but I didn’t give in to her demands and we had to go our separate ways. It’s been almost 6 months and she still hasn’t contacted me but remains in my steam friends and added on discord. Am I cooked? Am I delulu? I want her back so bad…
Explore "her demands" and what you truly valued about what she brought to your life.
She'll never be the person you want her to be, especially if all you ever had was a situationship. She'll hold a small candle for you but also for lots of others you understand. Delete her contact info and work on moving on from her.
This is so me right now. She sounds like my good friend. We talk about dating and she says " I'm afraid i will get weird and destroy the relationship and it will kill our friendship". Other times she will say you deserve better and I don't want to drag you down. Then 3 hours after saying this she sleeps over and we have great sex...
FA dumped me almost 4 months ago. No contact for 2 months now. And she blocked me on almost everything after my last heart felt message to her. I doubt shes coming back😢
Call it a lucky escape and block her so she can't screw you over again - which she will, when she senses you're beginning to move on. These people are not normal, and they don't play by normal rules. It's all about them, and they won't think twice about sucking you in for another eggshell-walking roller-coaster ride with another dumping at the end of it.
@@harry-james-books that sounds like experience talking. I appreciate the advice. How many times did you go back?
@@jdub1788 Technically 3 - at the end of the third round she tried it on again and I put her on a warning, which led to a two-three week period in which she did her best to goad me into giving her both barrels - major disrespect and personal attacks. The final straw was her booking a weekend away with friends without telling me on a weekend we'd already planned out, and offering me a Tuesday off work screwing her as compensation (she is out of work the mo)
My reply: "I'm not home."
Drove to her flat and she got her both barrels and used it as the excuse "finish with me" via WhatsApp message - handily forgetting I'd already finished with her an hour before after explaining why 🤣🤣
She also threatened to block me if I didn't "accept her decision" 🤪🤣🤣🤣
She never blocked me of course - just sat there watching everything.
Friday I blocked her. Better things to do, nicer people to see.
@@harry-james-books wow. the tale of two vindictive people who deserve each other.
@@WrittenMysteries Idiot
FA: Me Me Me Me. Zero empathy, complete selfishness, blame everybody else.
@@harry-james-books you seem pretty triggered! I wish you can heal all that. Someday you’ll understand all therapists talking about DAs/FAs are actually saying about them all the OPPOSITE from what you’re repeating here. 👍🏽
@@teodescartes1771 Stupid comment
@@teodescartes1771 As You Tube removed my original reply, I'll repeat it: Stupid comment
I'm an FA but have never been accused of those characteristics ever. I actually overgive and have lots of empathy. The worst you could accuse me of is showing mixed signals because I get so overwhelmed in my mind I take time to process. I've never betrayed anyone, cheated or backstabbed. I think those characteristics you mentioned could be any insecure attachment style or a narcissist and isn't specified to FAs
@@suras8984 FA can be so close to Quiet BPD and Covert Narc Professionals can't separate them.
From what you've said, you sound more AA than classic FA, who will drift into lovey-dovey then almost immediatly sabotage the relationship to stop all that nonsense
How does this work if you broke their trust. fA’s I’d love to hear your response.
That's the end. Even if something else makes an FA return to you after breaking trust on the inside it is impossible to really connect anymore.
I’m a “barely” secure FA. I’ve been in PDS for 6 months and working on myself for 20 years but PDS is like the finishing school of therapy.
Trust is EVERYTHING for an FA. (Transparency too). If you break my trust, things will never be the same again. Here’s the thing - I don’t recall which of the million videos I learned this from but, a FA defense mechanism is that we do not like people we don’t trust. If I don’t trust someone then they repel me and I will ice you out. I am aware of this now so I’m making efforts to not go to such an extreme as to dislike and ice, but it takes every ounce of security I do have to not swing all the way to disliking someone. I will give you grace to your face but you are at arms length with me - full wingspan arms length. Can’t wait to be a year into secure attachment.
I just broke up with my DA ex 4 days ago. I refuse to let it get me down.
For my fellow Christians - I began this strategy on day one: every single time I get a pain pang, I say the Lord’s Prayer. I must said it 10 times yesterday. It is really helping. By the time I get to “Forever, Amen”, I have peace and the Lord is thrilled that I am turning to Him.
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
Hi, I do have a question about FA in the early stages of dating. I’ve been seeing an FA for about six weeks now. ( we’ve know each other for about 2 years). It’s a bit of a situationship right now, I’ve been putting in all the effort, and I’m unsure with what the future holds. My question is, she wasn’t super infatuated in the beginning of us dating. She mentioned in previous relationships she would be with them all the time and put her needs aside, yet with me it’s way more linear. What does that mean exactly? I would say I’m much more healthy than other people she’s dated/ been in a relationship just with taking to her and what she’s shared. As a preface I’m studying psychology and she’s an AMFT. She knows she’s an avoidant, we’ve talked about it. I’m curious about the beginning stages with infactuation because I keep hearing that’s how FA’s are, yet in my case it was not that way, much more linear. Idk if it’s because I’m more healthy, or what. Would love some insight. Thank you!!
so what happened? she said something similar to "She mentioned in previous relationships she would be with them all the time and put her needs aside, yet with me it’s way more linear." she dumped me because we "argued" too often and where incompatible after 6 months..
Why in these videos do they never mention that the AF takes 10 or 14 or 18 months to return? Coaches always mention that it will be a few weeks or maximum 3 months but in my experience my FA ex has taken 10 and 13 months to come back and by not mentioning it in the videos they make you believe that you have definitely lost your partner.
Exactly. It’s always at least 12 months. And it’s a healthy expectation. Both people need time to grow and heal and become better and more understanding of each others attachments.
Did you go no contact, or did you reach out occasionally along the way, or a combination of both?
@@mertyparvin I found reaching out occasionally to be best. Keeping things light and not expecting much back in the beginning.
I am definitely an FA, but I make my boundaries clear and express my needs.
I never regret a break up. If I think about an ex, the first thoughts that come to mind are the negative reasons for the break up.
Hi Thais, I recently got discarded last month and she is supposedly talking to her ex who treated her like crap, any advice to get over her?
Sorry to hear that.
The main thing to do is to simply focus on yourself.
Its cliche but honestly time heals all.
Try to shift your energy away from wondering why it happened and try not to check up on them.
Just do the things you enjoy, with people you enjoy, try new hobbies, go new places. Just keep on living your life.
Over time, when it isnt as raw you can look back and it won’t hurt as much.
Reflect on your part in the relationship.
Is there anything you can improve on for your next relationship..
Any situations where you should of responded differently etc.
Healing isnt super straight forward. Everyone is different.
Just try figure out what gives you peace and makes you feel better.
For me journalling really helped and just talking to people.
Best of luck with everything, keep your head up. It will eventually get better i promise
Check your codependency, understand we can’t help those who don’t want to get better. By thinking you know what’s better for her you are 1. Being codependent 2. Taking her autonomy away. She is a grown up, yeah, hurt in childhood, bla bla, but let’s not pity anybody. Work on codependency, and legit close that door, find yourself, it seems you have issues too, bc you wouldn’t be stuck so much on somebody who doesn’t love you, sorry, but an ex is an ex. You deserve better. Legit work on codependency. Maybe do MBSR or smth
Good luck
@@craignason4258 thanks brother, needed to hear that
Excellent and sound advice. @@craignason4258
Time. Work on yourself and learn the lessons presented.
So those that are of the Fearful Attachment also have some traits 16:18 of the Anxious Attachment as well? I go to counseling and that's who told me about the attachments... I took your test and it came back as fearful which my counselor and I thought I was anxious type but now I see why. I'm going thru a rough time with my GF or Ex idk what we are cuz I believe she's the dismissive type, barely speaks to me until she's ready or needs something... She was the 1st I actually gave all of myself to her but what I've always been afraid of, abandonment, is precisely what she did and now I'm flip flopping with wanting her/despising her
Definitely takes an FA much longer than 4-6 weeks. More like, 12 months..
Is this not kind of the same? Being overwhelmed with intimacy and wanting to break out due to the triggered state and not communicating the need of needing space to be less triggered.
I think it’s the same. My ex at least broke up bcs of both. I mentioned that I need more intimacy (for reasons of trust issues that she created by hiding things) and she got hurt and actually mentioned that she does not want to talk about the topic for months. So she did eventually break up before I could because of both reasons
this format really suits me
you got a new sub!
I reached out to mine, checking on their well being I didn’t even clock until after I said I wouldn’t reach out again. From the last reach out but I was just worried about them mentally she was triggered or upset or not ready I got blocked after 20 something mins. tried checking twice once a month after no contact and 7 months later got aired again, I’m done now but I feel bad in some ways I did say in each message you don’t have to reach out. I’m scared she hates me. But we live and learn from our mistakes just frustrating I was endless breadcrumbed yet I get blocked after a message but my advice don’t reach out
Probably a bad reach out strategy. I think the best method for dealing with them is permanent no contact and allowing them to reach out of their own free will. Think about it: if someone is meant for you, and their feelings for you are strong, it will inevitably overpower their fear. It’s that simple
@@DBUification that’s the thing I knew all this and I had a moment of weakness just went into a panic and surely after thought about this and I feel like a fool, I’m going to put my head down and say silence and continue working on growth thank you so much for your words and understanding helps everything in this time
It depends on whether your anxiously attached or not as well as what caused the breakup. AAs can be extremely overwhelming to the FA which triggers their avoidant side. I'm am FA
@@suras8984 yeah I’m anxious and well she said she was questioning her feelings for me, but I just saw different things to apply she’s struggling and a celebrity I liked recently killed themselves and I think it triggered me I was so scared she might be hurting and got it in my head if I don’t reach out and something happened I’ll not be able to function and got so wrapped in my own head and own it wasn’t my best move but we burn and learn I guess thanks though
@@suras8984 yes I’m anxious and yeah she said she was questioning if she lost feelings for me and a month later I asked her and she said in that moment she lost, and a lot of it was confusing and not making sense but thank you for the advice
really liked this video
Should you reach out to them if they threatened to call the cops to push you further away?
Definitely not
No.
@@d4444-g7z as a lawyer, I’ll say NO to that!
If you want to go to the county jail call her.
If you like freedom and real food leave her alone
@@d4444-g7z Do you think that sounds like a good idea? Do you really need a bunch of strangers in order to understand that that is NOT a good idea?
awesome video
So if a FA comes to this realization, how long will it typically take?
so what's that THIS that is the sign that they have regretted? and what their partner should do meanwhile and after the no-contact period?
She’s cracking jokes about dating and liking doms / fems and being a lover girl 5 days after our breakup. We were together for 5 years and she left after making a new friend group
What about a fearful avoidant that monkey branches back to an old ex from 14 years back after being with me for 7 years.
this video’s take really clicks with some of the things I've been reading in the book Magnetic Aura from Talesio
You have alot of free time, do you even work?
best!!!
Please touch on Child sexual abuse in males and promiscuity
Didn’t I just watch this?? It’s a repeat, slightly different title.
Yeah, I really love her vids, but she doesn't really need to make one everyday as the same info gets just repeated over and over.😅
Surgery doesn't pay for itself you know
I haven’t heard from her in 4 months, but she keeps reposting tik toks about me
This lady is too much beautiful and I don't get anything of what she says... Her eyes and make-up are mesmerizing and this is a big problem for me.
Just lots of ramblings and advertising. "How to know an FA regrets the breakup" was not even answered.
13:33
Get to the point, your all over the place. Not sure you even answered the question specifically.
its hard to put into words, but the book Magnetic Aura from Talesio completely changed my life. i recommend everyone reading this to read it
Do you hate us?
if you're seeing this comment, it might be a sign to read 'Magnetic Aura' from Talesio ❤️