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honestly, i found it a bit yikes to have a diet food sponsor when the book you're reviewing is partly about experiences w disordered eating…maybe not the best pairing when considering the video's audience
@@cfuller9202 I commit to the sponsor dates weeks in advance and lock them in, and then when the book arrived i wanted to get the video out immediately. There was no ill intention.
Who is complaining? I see tons of people making this exact same comment.. yet nobody actually complaining about the title. So who exactly are the people complaining?
@@bailey7792 there were a lot of them on twitter, but they've mostly now been drowned out by support. this was moreso before the book actually came out
@@bailey7792 most likely conservatives, certain parenting circles in which have goals to ban books of such topic like this from school and maybe a few news commentators on the title being so bold. Basically people out of our generation that aren’t late Gen X, Millennials or Gen Z that didn’t get that kind of experience or that grew up with the idea of parents doing this for them out of religious or moral obligations to remain in a frame of loyalty despite their abuse. Specifically something in the Christian bibles in which the Old Testament says something “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right” according to Ephesians 6:1-2. Yet there is a contradiction in the same chapter Ephesians 4: Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Sadly there is several passages in which you as a child may feel that guilt to bear because of your personal faith with a god, especially Christian families are skewed to do that, and even in the Christian bibles this lesson is repeated to happen several times. Her mom if she was a religious woman didn’t practice what she preached. This Author had to provide for her other siblings while also being a child for herself. Forgiveness could maybe happen one day but it have to be on the authors terms as it took a toll on her life and she needs to heal not just in faith; assuming if she wants to remain in one or not but actual professional help. No one deserves to be treated the way her mom treated her.
The fact that Jeanette, her whole life, was constantly trying to make her mom look good, explain away her abuse, make excuses for her, made me finally completely understand why she titled this book the way she did. It's a beautiful way of reminding everyone, including herself, that she was not a good mom, and her being dead doesn't change that. It's good that she's gone.
i heard an interview she gave very shortly after her mom died (like that same year) and she told a completely different story. she said her mom wasn’t a ‘stage mom’ and was clueless the whole time. she even said she wanted to act. she never brought up the fact that her mom forced her into it. it was so interesting to listen to it again after reading her book. idk if she knew at the time what her mom did was messed up so she lied to not make her mom look bad or she genuinely tried to repaint what actually happened as a coping mechanism.
@anaferreiramattos Nods. Exactly. Abusers can be manipulative like that, manifesting in their victim's mind (using fear of course) that they're the opposite. I speak as an abuse survivor myself.
It warms my heart to know that Miranda was a good friend to Jeanette like at least she got one good thing out of her horrible experience. I remember when the reboot first came out and watching an interview with Miranda Cosgrove where they asked her about Jeanette and why she wasn’t doing a reboot and Miranda told the interviewer that Jeanette has been through a lot and she deserved to not have to do the reboot and that interview I feel makes a lot more sense now
Honestly, Miranda Cosgrove came out looking like an angel throughout this book. Good on her for being one of the only people to actually respect Jenette's boundaries and support her as best as she knew how.
I also remember Miranda saying something in an interview or something how she was surprised when she found out what Jennette had been through considering how much fun she was on set and would always make other people laugh, and Miranda seemed genuinely upset that she didn't know or wasn't able to do something for her
Same. I was trying to type my own comment on this, but I wasn't managing to put it into words. Abuse tends to be an isolating and lonely experience, and knowing that at the very least Jennette had a positive bond in all of this, a friendship that she clearly treasures, makes me want to cry. I wish I had someone like that in my life when I was going through it, and I'm glad Jennette had a friend like Miranda.
Toxic people can have kids too! Stop the "oh but it's your mom/dad" stuff. My grandmother made it her life plan to destroy the lives of her two daughters (she only treats the men in the family well). When my mother was a child, in addition to countless psychological abuses, my grandmother also disappeared for days leaving her small children alone at home. Years later my grandmother decided to turn my mother's life into complete hell because she didn't accept that she had divorced. She was responsible for psychological, financial and physical damage. It got to the point where a judge advised the women in the family to keep their distance from her. Since my grandmother refuses psychological treatment. Now that my grandmother is very old, other relatives keep saying that we should see her again, but the few times we tried were traumatic. Just because she's old doesn't mean she's stopped being a terrible person. No one is forced to put up with abuse all their lives just because the abuser is their mother.
Can never understand why saying you're glad a bad person is dead is somehow disrespectful or shitting on them like it's a bad thing. Sure I'm shitting on them, they're an awful person who doesn't deserve respect. Death is not another sunday mass. It is not the moral or character reset button for people. It doesn't wash away your shitty behavior
Felt that, my great grandpa was probably involved with the klan to a certain degree, and it’s just one of the family tales that nobody talks about. For context, I only know about this incident from my grandpa, who was young at the time, but on Halloween, he came home from trick or treating to find his dad handing out candy in a kkk hood/uniform. He told me this a few months ago, and my grandpa (they have been married for decades) was unaware of this and rightfully shocked. Why he had it, if it was real, if he supported it or just thought the idea was funny, other occasions in which he wore it are all questions we’ll likely never know the answer to (the man lived in florida in the first half of the 20th century, it may be better to leave it ambiguous). My grandpa is a great man, he has a solid moral code and is well liked by everybody, so it would be hard for many people to believe that his dad could be such a piece of shit (his mom was cool though).
Its that parents see their children as property and the law more or less treats them that way. Children are not pets and deserve more human rights than what is currently given. At least the children in show business have some oversight, but these social media moms should all go to jail. Particularly that one couple who adopted a child against all expert recommendations (basically saying that they were not equipt to handle his needs and that he would not thrive in their home), made millions off his videos, and then just gave him up because his behavior issues were to much. Im sorry but he is not a dog and they should have to return all the money they made off of him.
I think Jennet deserves more credit as a actress then she's given; imagine having an eating disorder while playing the part of a ravenous character like Sam who never passes up the chance for food.
The obsession with food and trying to eat it and also throwing it all up afterwards makes the inclination so much easier. I believe Jeanette wasn't acting in these instances, but actually going on a long-anticipated binge phase. Free unlimited food? Yes please, I know it'll all go away later after the set
It's almost like the eating disorder is related. I genuinely don't understand why children acting doesn't violate child labor laws. There's no way children are equipped to deal with that level of fame because it stunts their development, while I definitely support Jeanette I wonder if holding her up in this way doesn't just perpetuate the harm shes suffered. Bojack horseman I think explores these themes really well.
And the eating disorder was only part of her problem. The eating disorder is a side-effect of a controlling parental figure. It is also a coping mechanism especially for someone with OCD.
@@maureenseel118 probably so. Someone forced into complete dependency will often find any little thing they can control to counteract the lack of control they feel in their everyday lives. Even regardless of the harm it does to themselves. We see this kind of behavior in prison systems pretty often.
My favourite quote from the book: “Why do we romanticize the dead?” It’s a good question, why is my abusive aunt suddenly a saint? Why is my grandfather who was many things, suddenly given the title of ‘Kind’? From what I understand, he was not kind, and many barely even described him as pleasant. I like McCurdy’s point about how we need to/should be honest even on the tomb stone. It’s hard to be honest, and forgiveness is harder. But I plan on doing both because I deserve to be happy.
To my grandparents' credit, they always said that dying never made anyone better. I respect the dead, as they deserved respect in life, and have developed more compassion for the faults of others as I have aged. Still, I agree that dying never made a bad person into a good one.
Reminds me of when my Sisters ex got disabled. He went blind due to a genetic Thing. My sisters ex was very verbally abusive, incredibly jealous and would call her a wh*re for hanging Out with her Male Friends. They broke Up, then He went blind and my sister wanted to "Help him Out", resulting in her going Back to him. I was horrified, my mum,who knew about some of the mess that was going on, .... Wasnt? When i asked her why she was OK with my sis Putting herself in that Position again, i got the weirdest Response i ever heard her say: but Hes disabled now. As If that suddenly Made him a better Person and magically fixed His hangups and the toxicity of the relationship. Surprise, surprise, He did Not Change one iota. But apparently i was the one who Lacks compassion for Not expecting him to Change over night. What that man needed was therapy, Not a disability. Going blind at age 20, having to learn to Deal with that and learning to find a Job and handle being dependent on other people... Yes, all of that is a Lot. But it doesnt Turn you into a better Person overnight, and my compassion for that certainly does Not have to Cover the toxic crap that He did BEFORE all of that.
Reminds me of a funeral of a distant relative long ago. Everyone in our family knew the person and they were not kind or anything positive. The priest did his job at the funeral and read the generic thing about the deceased which was only praise and everyone who knew the dead relative looked at one another like " what is this bs? ".
Omg yes, there would be times when I would be cursed out for saying honest feelings about an abusive family member, neighbor or celebrities; just because they are dead. It’s really frustrating and inhumane to ignore a LIVING person’s trauma for a deceased corpses. And it’s just like what you said about how they are suddenly a ‘saint’ not they they are gone. And it’s so fucked up to me that all the people that they hurt have to suffer in silence or be a disgrace for holding accountable heavy trauma / abuse for one’s mental health, mentality.
To anyone who doesn’t understand the title or who is offended: What would your mom have to do in order for you to feel the same way about her? What type of trauma would you have to experience to want to cut contact with your family and feel relief when they are dead? The type of trauma Jeanette faced was so severe that she feels this way. Be grateful that you don’t understand.
Totally, though you know what, a lot of people who say that probably do understand and that’s exactly why they’re saying that… the first step of healing is often rejection.
@@AJFilms14 denial is not a “first step”.. like there aren’t actual stages of grief. Denial for a lot of people is refusal to critically analyze the feelings they do have in regards to whatever they may be attacking/defending. A good example is if you’ve ever had someone defend spanking to you. There is no healing going on, just doubling down that the abuse is “normal” to avoid unpacking things.it’s literally seeing someone get triggered, and there isn’t healing that comes from that state.
@@whatsupimlouie4670 yeah I didn’t mean “first step” in that way. I meant like how in Jennette’s book her first therapist brings it up to her and it reaches this wall. But it may have planted a seed. It’s just very likely in my experience that it’s a first reaction to it being brought up for the first time.
It’s true that for a lot of people it’s not a step it’s just how they rationalize it forever which sucks. It’s people who have healed a bit from it that report this initial response.
That scene with Jennette's grandpa saying she has OCD and her mom saying she's "perfect" hit me like a truck because I've had basically the exact same thing happen with my mom about my autism. My preschool teacher told her that she thought I was autistic and my mom said, "No, she's just gifted." Because obviously I couldn't have a disorder, then I wouldn't be her perfect golden child anymore.
my parents tried to push my autism under the rug for the first 17 years of my life, just by saying I was gifted and putting me into related school programs for gifted kids.
@@plutossky7534 dumbass parenting moment. Idc how well your parents treat you, if they allow their child to go through something like that to that degree knowingly, they’ve failed at parenting. I hope you’re in a much better place right now.
You know your mum just wanted to protect you right. She may have done wrong but her actions were all about protecting you from being treated differently and bullied
@@cashkitty3472 You have no idea what you’re talking about. You’re just making excuses to deny people medical treatment. If a parent was actually good they would support their child. And you don’t think people are already being bullied for acting differently? People still have disorders that are not diagnosed with yet. I was born with autism I didn’t just suddenly appear when I was diagnosed. And I have immense drama from growing up with no medical treatment for it. People really Gotta stop it with they just want to help you bullshit no they fucking don’t.
Honestly i think the title is EXTREMELY effective bc it makes you go “holy shit what did her mom do to garner that sort of feeling” and as you read you start rooting for her mom to die too
The title does not offend me. It actually makes me worry about people who are grieving their own parents who will see it. I'm glad she wrote the book - I just wish she'd gone with a different title.
@@sadem1045 The title actually probably acts more as trigger warning anyway for someone who is grieving that kind of thing not to read it. This perspective feels so mind numbing to me as someone who has lost a loved one recently. Greif is heavy and complex and it can cause tons of things to be triggering, obviously. That doesn't mean I'm going to tell someone to go change their book title about their abusive mother who they only escaped from via her death, who if she'd lived likely would have killed them via ED complications. With all do respect, I think you should trust even people dealing with grief can have functioning brains.
@@whydoineedagoogleplusname2870 It probably does work as a trigger warning. Also, I wish people (this is the third time) did not assume that I think people who are grieving don't have the ability to consider that there's a deeper meaning behind the title or whatever. I'm not an idiot 🤦
@@sadem1045 honestly, I think anyone who has an issue with the title is extremely selfish. This is a trauma surivors way of coping and all you can think about is other peoples perception of them and their own hard time, not what is bets for the actual person? Thats pretty disgusting. Its not jenettes purpose to police her life and language to make other people feel good or to avoid offending them, infact, her entire recovery was based around trauma of that type, you ignoring that is revolting and selfish
We as a society need to stop the “but she’s your mom” narrative. As some one with a toxic, verbally abusive mother, cutting her out of my life was the best gift I’ve ever given myself. I can relate to this title and I hope it helps people understand it’s okay to not love someone who abuses you, even if it’s a parent (ESPECIALLY if it’s a parent.) If this book helps that I’m all for it.
Children don’t owe their parents anything. You made the choice to bring them into the world, it’s your responsibility, you can’t hold that against the child. They were forced into this, the least we can do is make it good for them
I agree!! I’m obsessed with a tweet someone wrote that said something like “Forget therapy: I need to fight my dad” 💀 I felt THAT on a personal level and love it- I admit I DO need therapy but I’d also like to throw hands cuz he was awful. 🙂
Completely agree. Nowadays, I feel like the only reasons for why I keep visiting my mom are my brothers and the fact that she pays for my university etc. I also knew someone who had an abusive mom (who's also been a drug addict who wouldn't admit that she has a problem, in addition to that) and lived with their grandma. One day, when we were in middle school, she seemed to be in a pretty good mood. When we were alone for a moment, she excitedly said "I need to tell you something, but please don't tell anyone... my mom died" and I don't think I've ever seen anyone as happy about the death of someone
I have toxic relatives, one in particular I have low contact with. One of the reasons I finally moved out of my mom's house for good is because she's toxic and abusive.
The alcohol thing is especially gross in light of Avan Jogia's (Beck's) admission that his drinking was so bad that he barely remembers filming "Victorious."
People need to normalize that mom’s and women can be JUST as toxic as men. I know more people with “daddy issues” and no one bats an eye they have a bad relationship with their father but if it’s your mother everyone shames you.
Amen. „But she’s your mom.“ „You probably weren’t the easiest kid.“ „She did all she could“ BLA BLA BLA. Fact is you got used and abused by the person that was supposed to love you the most. If somebody is rude to you on a bus, everybody would totally understand that you get off at the next stop ✋🏼 but when your mom is treating you like a peace of shit your supposed to suffer?
Yes. There’s no word like that for abusive moms and saying mommy issues seem to only apply to boys but not catered for girls to use it ever as if girls are supposed to relate with their mothers automatically because of same sex.
There are complicated relationships, and there is plain abusive regular behaviour that is just abuse. And difficult, is not abuse ( beside there aways reasons miscommunications, just to make clear, abuse is just abuse not differences. )
A lot of things in this book came full circle, but the biggest one of all is the book itself. Her mother didn't want her to be a writer, but now she wrote a book about her mother.
she didn't really write a book about her mother, if you think about it. she wrote a book about herself. it just happens that some of that was what her mom forced her to endure
Also I love the that the urn is pink, her mother's favorite color that she had to pretend to like. So the urn not only symbolizes her mother's death but also the death of the "fake Jeanette" that had to pretend in order to please her mother.
You hear so much about young female co-stars who were pitted against each other by the production or the crew, or just didn't get along (which is absolutely normal). And to hear how Jeannette and Miranda stood by each other and supported each other is such a breath of fresh air and glad they at least had that.
I do actually believe that they might’ve been pitting them against each other to keep them from sharing the experience of creepy incidents and further preventing them from realizing that this is not a personal issue there is something terribly wrong going on then that might’ve made them side together and take action or the least speaking up which obviously does not serve the sick purposes of the creator. However, this is just a theory because if they signed NDAs or their contracts force them to refrain from taking action which is most probably if not completely the case my theory is totally blown off.
@@lordfreerealestate8302Jeanette has never said that she has said she and Ariana were very different people in very different points in life and because she was in such a bad place and Ariana was in such a good place with way less struggle it made her resent her she has never said Ariana was horrible to her she’s just made it clear they did not match
When I first learned about homosexuality as a concept, my reaction was “Oh, so it’s like God’s version of population control!” And my Catholic parents and their friends were like “NOO!!!” (I was 8)
People blamed me as a teen for my bad relationship with my mom. Because “young girls always hate their moms” and “teens are nasty to their moms”. My mom was never as bad as Jeannette’s, and we are ok now. But holy cow, I was a CHILD, and therefore a VICTIM. I don’t care if I handled some stuff badly, I was still growing my brain and needed a safe space to do it and that wasn’t given to me.
It's the typical reverence to elders simply because they were born first and not because they deserve it. It serves primarily to give abusers more power to abuse, and has no benefits to any non-abusers.
My dad's response when I told him how I felt about the way my mom treated me growing up "Well, you weren't exactly nice to her, either" 😳 Ya'll were emotionally abusive to me, and I was a cranky and nasty child...but it's BOTH our fault, hm?
Criticizing someone who's not around to defend themselves can make some people uncomfortable. But sometimes that's the only time you ARE allowed to criticize them. Life is for the living, and the living need permission to heal. And healing often starts with acknowledging that you've been hurt.
Insecure people like that recognize their own flaws and are just afraid that people hold THEM responsible for THEIR behaviors as well. It's not a good thing. It's unhealthy to have that mindset.
I have nothing against criticizing people. The only thing I have a problem with is wishing death upon someone. But I don't see anything wrong with criticizing them. I have this illogical fear of the dead witnessing everything I do though 😂😂 But nobody's come back from the dead to wack me over the head for the things I've said
@@joltyflare I think your logic is very stupid. Don't tell me you will seriously look at a victim of SH and go "but you can't wish death to them they're still human 😢😢". Don't tell me you will go look into the eyes of a child who parents have been murdered that they cannot wish bad stuff to happen to the murder. If you're not gonna do that than survivors of abuse should be the same. Not everyone deserves to be feel bad for, specially those who hurt other for they own selfish need.
On the title: so many people who had good parents growing up don't get this. When you have an abusive parent, you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop in some form. It could be throwing you out, attacking you, finding out where you are, (in this case) forcing you to do things you don't want to for their benefit. There are hundreds of reasons. And that parent being permanently gone in some fashion can be a huge relief because you are no longer waiting for that other shoe to drop. You don't have to constantly think "what are they going to do to me this time?"
@@0912sooli I think a lot of people can relate to some of this, even with good parents. I don't know what you're going through, but I hope things work out for you.
@@0912sooli If they are emotionally abusive and neglectful, even if it’s a little bit, they aren’t loving parents. Loving parents would NEVER harm their kids in any way. I hope you become more open to that thought.
It's really chilling how she uses rip and peel about how she has to carefully peel the wrapping paper instead of ripping for her mother... then her mother rips her clothes off instead of peeling. It's all about Mom.
As a psychologist, I hear many people discuss feeling immense amounts of guilt about being relieved/happy after the death of a family member. Whether that is due to an agonizing passing or, in Jenette's case, an abusive person that will no longer be able to hurt them, there is often overwhelming shame about not grieving "correctly". I think her book, and the sensationalized title, can hopefully provide solace for other people who are glad their family died. We, as a society, need to reevaluate the bonds we hold sacred.
R'amen! I've had issues with my parents that have popped up the past few years (one in the ground, the other in a no contact basis for some reason). I hate the whole idea of having to make peace with someone like mom because "she's the only mom you've got." One time after she got pissed at me and I asked advice, I had 2 or 3 people say that. I finally snapped and said "I'm the only daughter SHE has, too. Why is it always up to me to be the bigger person?" Nobody gave me an answer. I'm guessing even at a subconscious level, the whole "Honor thy father and thy mother" thing runs deep and it takes serious thinking to counter it. It's just hard sometimes living with someone who can never be wrong and won't listen to you unless they think you agree with them, and when you don't you're not worth speaking to. It's tiring and makes you apathetic after a while.
It did for me! ❤ I am grateful because my dad is dying and it really made me feel strong enough to ask my therapist if it’s ok I will be relieved when he dies. I’m so glad i was given that push to admit it out loud. I was scared it would mean I was a psychopath or something n she’d abandon me. Idk I know it’s irrational but that’s why I am in therapy to heal.
"You should be so saaad they died. They were still your mother/father/sister/brother" No. If a close family member was also a violent pedo/rapist/murderer/bully then you're goddamn right I'm going to be flushing their cremated ashes down a toilet. Good riddance.
I talked a few months ago to my psychologist about this sort of thing, I told him that I felt some shadenfreude after learning that my father's life was falling apart, that he lost his job, girlfriend and house and has been institutionalized, and that feeling that way made me feel terrible, even though this man managed to make me disensibilized to the concept of blood family as a whole I still somehow felt terrible for being glad his life was burning down as he rightfully deserves. I truly hate how emotions can't be simple sometimes
It happened to me when my grandmother died after years of dementia. I didn't feel much because I had already grieved her loss when she was alive and didn't recognize me or her own children.
"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better." Anne Lamott
"YOU caused my cancer to come back. I hope you're happy knowing this. YOU have to live with this fact. YOU gave me cancer." This is an absolutely evil thing to say and her mother was a disgusting individual. I watched this video a week ago and these exact words flash into my head almost every day because they are that genuinely haunting. If it affected me that much, I couldn't even begin to describe how it must have felt reading those words as Jeanette. That woman has nothing but my utmost respect and I wish her nothing but peace.
I just remembered my grandpa once pointed out how skinny Jennette McCurdy looked while we were watching ¡Carly and he said he felt for the actors because they were probably suffering and starving themselves to keep their roles all while growing up. Being a naive and young child I brushed his comments off as being "hate" or even "jealousy" (I know, quite a dumb thought) but almost a decade later I realized that he was only coming from a place of concern, and while he could have used better wording, he was absolutely right. I'm glad that Jennette was able to make it through it all and publish this amazing memoir. She is truly an admirable person for choosing to grow as a person and come out stronger at the end of it!!!
yeah, i remember watching icarly and thinking "wow sam eats a LOT" (on screen) "but she is so thin," meanwhile i was starting to struggle with EDs myself at the time
@@sadem1045 I forgot to mention he used a slightly harsher tone than I may have made it seem like in my comment, and he only speaks Spanish, so it may come across differently in English. It's also been so long that my brain may have distorted things but that's how I remember it based on the impression I originally had, but he nonetheless was always well intentioned. My apologies if it wasn't made clear.
I didn't watch Nickelodeon growing up (we didn't have the TV service Sky, which you need to access that channel in the UK) and when I first saw iCarly via Quinton Reviews, I was kind of shocked at how thin Sam looked. Then I found out about the ED and it kind of fell into place.
tw: suicide mention I'm glad my father died. He was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive, to the point where the only feeling I can remember about my childhood is a constant overwhelming fear. Later on in life when my brother and I were finally able to leave, it all fell on my mom; he took his rage out on her, cheated on her, used both of their incomes to fund his cocaine addiction... when we got the news he took his own life, it was like I broke in two. I hated him and what he did to me and the rest of my family, but what I hated most of all was that despite us all begging him to stop and to look after his own deteriorating mental health, he chose to ignore it, claim he never, ever did anything wrong in his life, until it became too much for him. I'm glad he's dead, but I'll always mourn the man he could have been had he chosen to seek help and not take his pain out on his family. The father I could have had, and never will. I will always stand in people like Jeanettes corner; she deserved so much better and no one can ever tell her she's wrong for feeling the way she does about the people who abused her. Kudos on her for putting the truth out there and saying what needed to be said, I wish her only the best for the future.
I appreciate that you acknowledge that you can’t mourn your father for the abusive person that he was, but you can still mourn him for the person he could have been. I think that’s a very mature way of looking at the conflicting emotions that can occur in a situation like this.
@Kell Harris We don’t really know what kind of situation the mother was in. She was also a victim of abuse, not a bystander and this makes it harder for her to try to change things.
my father is not abusive, but i do relate to that, mourning the man he could have been. he used up all of his side of the family's money, money saved for my college, and some of my mom's money to fuel his heroin addiction. luckily they divorced when i was very young, so i have an alright relationship with him since he is on his best behavior whenever i visit. but, he refuses to believe he has any mental issues, blames it all on alcoholism. he used to be artistic and had a good job but he is such a mess now, even when he's clean. when i am an adult, i will not throw my money into that black hole, no matter how much he needs it
What people don't understand is that when she says "I'm glad my mom died" doesn't mean she did a hysterical evil laughter when her mom died, or was plotting it like a villain. When it happened, she mourned and cried, and got depressed for months. But at the end, she realized that it was necessary for her to heal and be free. P.S. I love how the calls Dan Schneider "The Creator" PS. 2 I wonder if it was Ariana Grande who opposed to Jennette directing an episode of Sam & Cat
I'm really troubled specifically because it was mentioned this person was so powerful that the producers couldn't afford letting them leave when they threatened to walk. I REALLY don't think it was Schneider because he's...the creator. He could just say no and quietly remove her name from the director plate. He made everything, he doesn't HAVE to threaten to walk. Ariana was on set so infrequently during rehearsals and it's clear she had other priorities, I don't understand why she'd be opposed to Jennette directing an episode. Her mother has no power over the producers if she threatens to "walk" lol.
Harriyanna Hook’s video “it’s time to talk about the racism in Dan Schneider’s shows” gives another disgusting view of dan’s directing, including the character Sam
This is not on the same scale but I hate Knick knacks and I have told my mom so many times since I was a teenager but yet every Xmas I would get porcelain dolls because she wanted my room to be really girly. Even now…Always get ceramic dogs and Irish china..but if I don’t put it out in my house I get the biggest guilt trip
I thought the same thing about the birthday present and the ice cream. I think her mom wanted nutty coconut so she manipulated her daughter into getting what she wants
@@ViridianKomorebi i feel like it's the same way with my mom. I work remote and she keeps encouraging me to get an office job because SHE resented being a housewife and would've liked to be in an office. Like... there's no commute, I don't have to wear a bra and I still get to live comfortably. I don't see the downside. I also moved to a smaller, less developed state (my mom lives in the heart of the big city) and she keeps sending cheap listings of homes in her area "so I could move to the big city again". I obviously moved here for a reason, I like how there's so many heritage buildings here, the beach is part of my morning walk, it's less claustrophobic and people aren't always rushing like the big city. And her sending these listings is her lovebombing me, she just genuinely cannot fathom that I don't want the same things, the same convenience she enjoys. Then again, she does also know what I want because that's exactly what she witholds from me until i "perform" for her. And if she realizes I'm slipping away she gives me exactly that. For my wants to be considered, for me to actually take up space in the home and normal conversations about fun stuff. So idk, maybe it's a mix of both? They know what we want, but it's "wrong" (because nothing they like can possibly be wrong) so they're just doing what's best for us. We'll surely see their way and thank them later, right? I love living here and would've moved anyway. But being far from her is a nice icing on the cake.
People say many of the same things to me that they are currently blasting Jeanette with when I say that the best thing my mom ever did for me was die when she did. "Well I would give ANYTHING if my mom was here. You are so nasty and ungrateful." Is it really that hard to believe that we didnt all have a mom who tucked us in at night? These people do know that abuse exists, don't they? I lost my wonderful daddy very suddenly ten years ago while I was 7mo pregnant. He missed getting to ever hold any of his grandchildren by only a couple months. So, I mean...I get grief. But the loving, tender, gentle, exppressive human my dad was simply isn't a requirement for raising kids--and even the requirements we DO have are rarely enforced. Let me explain my mom to you--just a couple highlights, CW/TW for The Very Worst™️. My mom was extremely emotionally abusive in ways I am still unpacking in my mid-40s after YEARS in therapy. She was blatantly physically abusive, once beating me severely when a friend told the school that my mom was beating me and the school called her to tell them she should have a chat with me before it caused trouble for her (irony). Right as puberty was hitting, my mom not only allowed me to be sexually assaulted, she monetized it. When I couldn't take what she and her friends had set up, I asked her if we could please just leave and move back to the old house we still owned. My mom looked at me with shock and betrayal all over her face, then responded with, "Do you really want to be _POOR_ again? I have a brand new car for the first time in my life." I do realize everything I'm saying sounds like the script some hack writer lazily threw together for a bad, shock value, made-for-TV movie across one caffeine and coke fueled week. I rarely talk about my childhood for this very reason, but this is something important enough to me that I want to take on the people who are going to call me a liar--giving my background will hopefully add some ethos to the rest of what I need to say. My ONLY regret about cutting my mom out of my life is that I didn't do it far sooner. Over and over people told me I needed to go easy her because she was my mom, that I would understand better when I was older, that I would empathize SO MUCH with my mom better when I became a mom myself. (This made me want to never be a mom or be around children for many years, FYI.) It was really obvious that my being so adamant that I did not want her in my life made other people uncomfortable--to "put up" with our "bothersome" and "problematic" family members is SO ingrained in our culture--when we shun that trend it vvvvcan be jarring for a lot of people. It makes them extremely uncomfortable when this particular social contact gets called on the carpet--which from where I sit, seems to be an ever-increasing topic. Many people want to cling tightly to the narrative that the bonds of family of origin being the biggest thing in our lives. But here is the thing I have learned about life: *some things simply aren't forgivable*. It comes down to believing in your soul that you and your chill are worth whatever boundaries or disconnections you need or want to make. In very many situatuons, it may well be that you owe literally nothing to someone who abused you--not even a chance to apologize. I realized one day that even though I was away from her and had been for years, even in our incidental contact via other family members, I couldn't remember the last time my mom said anything that made me feel good about myself, or better about anything in my life. I wasn't afraid to excise her, I was simply young and unsure that I was within my moral rights when the world was giving me so many messages that I had to placate for peace. So I entirely dipped out of that relationship in my mid-20s, only seeing her two or three times when family members died, really. My mother REQUIRED control over me similar to how Jeanette's mom did, and when my mom couldn't get me to do what she wanted, she put me on the crest between evil and non-existent. Since my very early 20s, most of her friends and coworkers thought she only had a son, my brother whom she was far far far less abusive to (this is pretty common in abusive families). He defends her now at 40yo, claiming I've always been too bitchy about it and he doesn't want to be in the middle. When she realized that she truly had no more way to puppetmaster the Maternal Marionette dance she adored so much, my mother wrote a letter about what an evil, terrible, horrible, ungrateful daughter I was and all the ways I had wronged/failed her. She had a list of all the ways I had betrayed her, made things worse for her by being born, how I had ruined her entire life. My mom then loaded a .45, tried to kill my parrot from childhood (thankfully she was too drunk to hit Holly--I'd been working on getting her back from my mom for 15yrs, and ultimately did), took a shower, laid on the bed, and then shot herself. This was four months to the day before my wedding--the fact that she wasn't invited was one of her problems with me. For DECADES everyone gave me reasons I couldn't cut my mom out. Reasons why I needed to just deal with my family--a family I had no agency in choosing, it was pre-selected for me by birth and I very obviously did not benefit from having them. But for YEARS everyone jumped to defend my mom and her relationship with me--and now, as an adult who has built a *phenomenal* chosen family, as someone spent their entire career as an activist and victims advocate--as a mother myself to two wonderful daughters who I have never ever wanted to harm, not once--I can't help but wonder: Where was all that defensive energy for *ME*?
You're strong, that's all I can say. You were strong then but you are sure as hell a fighter and a brave warrior now since you've been through that distress and that horrible cycle that sadly was your life. Your life, I hope, has only gotten better, now that she's gone. I hope for the first time, you're able to breathe and relax. Myself, I'm counting down the days I get the news my birthgiver has been buried and is in the ground, six feet under, rotting away. My entire life, up until I went no-contact, (she still tries to reach me, is desperate to have a conversation with me that she's messaging old friends. Friends of which I rarely ever talk to anymore.) I have felt as if I was a corpse already with all her hurtful comments and screaming matches. She made me feel as if I didn't belong, never made me feel loved, or important or special. She'd try to win my affection by purchasing gifts only to throw it back in my face not even a second or two later. She told me that the times I was SA'ed, I most likely "enjoyed" it. She "homeschooled" me, (aka never even schooled me. I learned everything by myself, using an old, worn down laptop.) because she never wanted me to have a life or be social or even have friends. (Those friends I mentioned earlier, yeah, a lot of those SHE ruined.) I'm in my 20's now and still scared of, well, everything because she installed that fear into ME. I could go on and on about all the horrible shit she's done... But as I said, I went no-contact and for the first time, ever since I blocked her, I can breathe. I feel alive. God forbid I feel that way, though, right? Everyone thinks I'm a bad daughter for not reaching out. For blocking her. It's what you said. "Where was all that defensive energy for ME". She puts on a good mask and only shows what she wants people to see. It's like that one quote: "Every child deserves a parent, but not every parent deserves a child." I'm glad you're still here. I'm glad that whoever read my vent (if anyone did) also is here, especially if you have a parent / someone that acts exactly like this. We're stronger than we realize. And it's going to get better.
the nutty coconut ice cream scene really sticks with me in how it set the tone. it says so much in such a small moment. the kids size scoop not just for budget reasons, but also for the calorie restriction, the flavor choice reflecting her relationship with her mom, and the big part that stood out for me (that was small in the story) was that the mom took the last bite without even thinking. idk, in my life, all the grownups always gave the last bite to the kid. it shows the mom’s self-centeredness and jennette’s parentification really clearly in that one action.
"Mom says in a way that sounds like a threat" thats such a familiar tone of voice to me, it genuinely took my breath away to read. a simple sentence, but paired with her moms words beforehand...its so many conversations from my own life. Jeannette didnt just raise her own voice and speak out, she spoke out for all of us, whether our circumstances exactly matched or not. I'm so glad she's free and I'm so glad she wrote this book. Words cant even describe...
I think it's insensitive to think that all of us should love our parents and that every single human being in this world has to keep in mind that your parents might have died recently and therefore, they should never say anything wrong about their own parents ever. It's unrealistic and so selfish. As the daughter of two abusive parents, I hate that every time I say something bad about them, somebody jumps to their defense because they think I'm talking about *their* parents. They don't know my parents. I don't know theirs. Parents are individuals, with individual lives, and individual flaws. Not all parents are looking for the best for their kids. Not all of them are doing their best.
That's unfortunate that people jump to the defense of people they don't know, when you're exactly telling them what they were like. In my life, I've really learned to just listen. And it's amazing the kind of experiences people actually have.
I really appreciate hearing your experience. My dad recently died and I had a great relationship with him. I would never want someone from an abusive relationship with their parent to be silenced about their experience with their parents in order to spare my feelings. Pretending everyone loves their parents and should only say good things about them cheapens my relationship with my dad and hurts people whose experiences should be validated not erased. I'm sorry about your experience, and I'm glad that you are able to share it with others. Especially if by sharing it it helps you or someone else who can benefit from the commonality. I wish you the best ❤️
exactly. I have a complicated relationship with my parents, but we've been able to have a better relationship over time. I know this is not possible for everyone, and it doesn't need to be a goal for everyone. I know many people who have terrible parents and to say "well that's not how I feel about my parents, so you shouldn't feel that way about yours" to them would be so insensitive and just wrong. Jenette wrote her book about HER experience, and she deserves to feel and talk about her emotions without getting judged by people who haven't even read the book.
I wholeheartedly agree. I believe that one of the most damaging and irritating aspects of American culture today is the way people make generalizations about situations or circumstances. It is a form of prejudice. People decide that "parents" or "celebrities" or "unhoused people," for example, are this or that as opposed to acknowledging that every situation or person is unique.
I LOVE this title because I'm tired of people acting like hate, anger, death, revenge-feelings, are NOT NORMAL! They ARE normal and I'm not even going to DARE to tell people that they should or shouldn't feel any way about any body. I haven't read the book and I haven't even watched your video yet but I can't help but comment at the beginning of every damn video. LOL. I'll edit later if I feel the need.
Thank you so much for saying this. I desperately needed this. I hate being told that my negative emotions are not okay. The emotions are not a problem, how we express those emotions can be
I read something about this that stuck with me once, that people dismiss feelings of anger or other 'negative' emotions but that they can actually so important to the process of healing from trauma. Reaching the point of being able to be angry towards what happened to you or the people that harmed you is an act of self-love because you recognise that what happened was wrong and you didn't deserve it.
I think one of the best aspects of the book is how honest Jennette is. She doesn’t sugarcoat what happened, her feelings, and the difficult aspects. Her feelings are complex and complicated, and it’s the way she tackles this as a writer that elevates the book from what it could be at its worst (a dishy tell all about being a Nickelodeon child star) to being what it actually is, a heartbreaking, real deep dive into her abusive upbringing and how that lead to child stardom.
I really think Jennette McCurdy has the talent to become this generation's Carrie Fisher. They are both fantastic writers, have similar backgrounds, both acted, etcetera etcetera. I really hope McCurdy keeps writing and goes back to directing because her short films are really good.
As an ex-mormon, consent is something that isn't taught. You're taught to often trust blindly without question. Even though at the same time questions are encouraged but I think only questions that lead to answers that the church approves of. I know this adds to why so many children are abused.. I think it's interesting that both play a huge role in her abuse that she received as a child. I hope this leads to more discussions about consent. Her story makes me so sick. I can relate to so many aspects of her life while at the same time having no understanding of how much pressure she was constantly under.
That and the boundary crossing questions elders ask teens and the church’s policy to refrain from involving police in abuse cases, and the victim blaming.
Depends on the ward. I have noticed things have been changing. The meto movement has made people more aware. Nowadays there is always supervision when Bishops meet anyone. So there has been some positive change.
I still remember the episode where she decides to draw a mural of the school on the blacktop instead of venting her anger in a less constructive way Probably my favorite episode
Oh hells yeah--I LOVED Recess, even when I was in my 20s. I didn't care if it wasn't meant for me, you could find just about every kid you went to school with in that show at some point, and it was funny because it was like this odd, structured world of kid-dom that never would've occurred to me. Still don't know who I would've been in that show, probably a mix of Gretchen and Spinelli, actually.
I feel like the mom giving her the outfit that she hated wasn’t her mom not knowing her very well - I think it was Intentional to exert control. I had an abusive partner in my early 20s and one of the first clues that I missed at the time but is obvious now was him giving me jewelry that was literally everything that, in a conversation we had a couple of months earlier, I had said I did NOT like in jewelry - yellow gold, pearls, diamonds (or Diamond looking things) and stud earrings. He had them custom-made for me. It wasn’t an accident, it was a control move, testing my compliance in wearing them the majority of the time even though they were everything he knew I didn’t like and didn’t want.
This comment hits home with me. I told my ex I never wanted a ring and didn't wear any normally. So he asked a family member to pick out the engagement ring. I would have never picked that one myself, if I had to pick a ring. When we got married, I picked my wedding band and specifically told him I'd wear the engagement ring on special occasions only. So then he started complaining that I would never wear the engagement ring and ask questions such as if I even liked it. I knew it was controlling and manipulative, but your comment made me realize it on a deeper level. Sometimes it's these seemingly little things that can go unnoticed for so long that, when you have more objective lens, help you see how deep the attempts at control can go.
This comment makes me feel a lot better about breaking off a friendship. One of the main reasons I ended the friendship is, she kept wanting to do the one thing I said I didn't want to do. It was small things like, I mentioned in passing that I didn't like a certain restaurant and I would never eat there again, and, somehow, about a week later, we were out shopping and she wanted to get lunch, and the only restaurant that could accommodate her diet was the one I didn't like. None of these things were terrible and she always apologized, but I just got tried of "I'm so sorry. I know you don't want to do this, but..." I felt kind of bad for breaking off the friendship because everyone else sees her as a nice person, and none of these incidents alone seemed like a good reason to terminate the friendship, but it happened ALL THE TIME, and something just felt weird and wrong to me. But "testing my compliance" describes EXACTLY what I was feeling. How could the ONE thing I happened to mention that I didn't like, or didn't want to do, repeatedly turn out to be the ONLY thing that worked for her in some future situation? I feel like she saw my compliance as proof that I liked her, and she continually needed proof because she was insecure. I'm not sure if that rises to the level of abuse, but all I can say is, I really didn't like it. Incidentally, this friend had an abusive ex that she talked about a lot, but I had a hard time following her logic when she told stories about him. Now, I'm wondering if it was DARVO.
My 14 yo daughter has OCD that was diagnosed when she was 9. It broke my heart to hear that conversation between Janette’s mom and her grandfather. Getting a diagnosis early is so huge... children especially have a really hard time distinguishing between the OCD “voice” and their own internal voice. The sooner they learn to be able to recognize that their intrusive thoughts are not their true thoughts, the better. OCD is a scary illness and for children it’s even more so. It’s always sad to see parents try to pretend like there’s nothing wrong with their kids. It is painful.... but think about how much pain your child is in! Poor Jannette. 😔
YES!! i wish i could've identified & got help for my OCD earlier. my family was kind and attentive but i don't think i was that open with my tics, other than my eyes twitching
@@SAVYWRITESBOOKS I know it can be really hard to see signs depending on how the OCD manifests itself! Some kids are really good at masking too. A big part of my daughter’s rituals were reassurance seeking from me... and her intrusive thoughts that she needed reassurance about were things like her being afraid she would accidentally stab me or someone else. So as a parent it definitely stood out as something outset the realm of “normal.” But I can remember going through stages of grief as a parent trying to navigate what I was seeing in her... before saying “ok... she really needs professional help for this.” It’s really hard to grapple with so I completely understand why it typically takes a long time to diagnose OCD. I think what struck me so hard about Jannette’s case is that her grandfather recognized it. And was like “hey... she’s suffering. She needs help” and her mom chose to ignore it. In her case I would consider that neglect 😣 anyway I’m so glad you did get the help you needed!! And I’m so glad I have creators like you to watch who can identify with this stuff and talk about it 🙏🏻❤️ Edit to say, the fact that the grandfather recognized it in the first place leads me to believe that he has had some experience with it at some point. Either with himself or with someone he knows. Because if you’re not familiar with OCD it’s kind of hard to recognize. The media doesn’t do a good job of portraying true OCD. And it’s genetic... so it’s like he just knew. It kills me!
Yes! No wonder she thought it was the voice of God and was confused why what the voice said was a bad thing. Her mental well-being was ignored so thinking it was God would make sense.
Hello! Former OCD kid here. Support and validation, along with understanding, is GIANT. So many people fundamentally misunderstand little things about it that can make all the difference-- things like not knowing what's "you" and what's "OCD". It can be terrifying.
This book has helped me really realize how thankful I am to have such an understanding, fantastic mother. She knows how kids operate, having a Masters in Social Work. She never manipulated me, she never forced me to do anything I didn’t want to do as a child - even tho she always encouraged me to try things first, and she truly loves me _unconditionally._ But for this very reason, having the exact opposite of a parent like Jeanette had, I understand. Every single friend I’ve had has come from a troubled home (emotionally/physically abusive, strictly religious, etc.), and my mom has essentially adopted them all. She comforts them, she affirms their feelings, she kissed them on the head before she went to bed whenever they spent the night. My home was (and is) an escape for them. Her unrelenting kindness has even helped some of them cope with the fact that what their parents put them through isn’t okay. She’s still a counselor at our local high school. Whenever I encounter one of her “kids” out in the wild, they always gush about how much they love my mom. I share the sentiment. All kids deserve a parent, but not all parents deserve a kid. My mom is a shining example of a parent who _does_ deserve a kid.
It’s sweet that you can articulate why and how you love your mother so well, and how you’re happy with your mother extending the same sort of care towards other children! But seriously, having a mom that is also a counselor sounds so great.
You phrased it absolutely perfectly. Children deserve to grow up with someone that loves and cares for them, but not everyone can provide that for a child. And, unfortunately, there is overlap between those who can't (or don't, or won't) be good parents and those who have children.
Situations like this are why I’m glad a lot of modern media praises the idea of found families. Genetic bonds aren’t worth anything if it’s an abusive relationship.
To those who criticize the title: not everything is about you. Its Jennette's life, Jennette's feelings, Jennette's experiences, and she is fully allowed to express that in any way she wants
It upsets me that people found her title triggering. Even before her book came out she voiced how her mom influenced her ED. Even without that context it sounds tone deaf of those who think because they have a good relationship with their parents that everyone else does. I have abusive family members that I can't fucking wait for them to kick it and if you know why you'd agree. Does that mean I think everyones parents suck no, I wish I had the nice parents these people do, but life is more nuanced than your personal perspective.
People reacting to the title like it’s a slight against them really bugs me. When I see the title all I think is that her mom must have been so awful to her for her to have those kinds of feelings. I have not been abused by family but still know that not every parent deserves the love of their children, especially if they are abusive.
I mean, how much blow back is she getting? It sold out and the media is raving about it. It’s hardly hot take to like the title. I think any initial negative reaction was because ppl thought she chose the title for pure shock value. It’s also always pretty telling when ppl start slagging off ppl who are 2 dead to defend themselves… not saying she is lying, but the idea of someone writing a tell all book about me after I’m 2 dead to refute any of it… that’s pretty horrifying. Although I guess i would be dead. So whatever. 😂
@@kmhkennedy Not saying it’s a hot take to like the title. I saw a little bit of backlash for it and it personally irritated me, and I am just expressing that
@@thisisthewaterandthisisthe3254 whoops! Sorry, I didn’t mean to come across so derogatory towards to your feelings and opinions (I’m not being sarcastic) I guess I feel the same way as you do about people feeling personally slighted except I feel that way about people defending the title. Personally I think the title is hilarious, but I also dislike the invasion of privacy that comes with people writing books about people who aren’t around to defend themselves. I’ve heard and bought into to many one sided stories in my life to appreciate it in book form. I always like to get the other side of any accusation and I am sus when that’s not possible. That has very little to do with your comment though, and I shouldn’t have made my opinion your problem. That’s also more about the content of the book than the title. Seriously though, she basically weaponized her mothers reaction to her own cancer against her. I haven’t read the book, but it’s interesting to me that people seem to be applauding that? I can really sympathize with idea behind the title because I’ve always said I was happy when my step dad died, he was abusive and it was a massive relief when he died. I laughed when I found out he died, but he helped a lot of people that weren’t me and my hatred of him doesn’t make that any less true you know? I wouldn’t have written a book called ‘I’m glad my stepdad died’ because I know it would hurt a lot of people and I wouldn’t ever want to do that. So i think the minority of people who aren’t calling her brave and honest and are reacting negatively are doing so for nuanced reasons all of their own. I only bring it up so that maybe you can be less bugged by the reactions. On a side note I can’t find any backlash to the title online, the only person saying she has to defend the title is the author herself and there are no links in articles to people saying it’s inappropriate. I took a look around Reddit but it’s just universal praise. I can’t find a single person who has a negative perception of the title. Not saying they don’t exists, just saying they are damn hard to find. It all seems to stem from a quote from the author saying opinions are divided, but again, no articles quote or link to those divided opinions. Okay… I even looked on Amazon and there isn’t a single one or even two star review… I mean I don’t even have a problem with the title, I think it’s funny. So we can’t even use me as reference. I might have a problem with the content of the book but I’ve not read it so I don’t really have a leg to stand on. The damn thing is $17 and I don’t like biographies, particularly celebrity biographies as they have such an inbuilt motivation to self promote. There doesn’t seem to be a celebrity out there whose life wasn’t worse than your average genocide survivor. Sorry this is so long, I got waaaay to into it. 😅 I hope I didn’t fall into sounding dismissive or derogatory towards yourself again. Managing tone in a comment section is always a challenge. Extra tragic that I apparently suck at it so much because I’m a writer. 😂 I mainly replied to your comment the first time because you sounded nice and reasonable, so I really didn’t mean to attack you personally. I’m more talking in the larger context of the subject, not really about your specific views. Which are nice views that do you credit :)
i think the true love sentence could also be read the other way. Jeanette is literally doing anything she can, saying whatever she needs, thinking about every little thing from the angle of what would make her mom happy. All the lies she tells her mom knowing the truth would crush her. Children love their parents so much, they really would do anything no matter how awful the parent is. It's a strange unconditional devotion to their parents happiness. That is true love.
yeah that is definitely another way to read it -- the sentence having multiple interpretations that all fit together is another part of what makes the writing so great
Oh ye you are right, its probably about how she would like her younger self to know her mom wont return her love, or care, or even listening. Its great, if vry sad that its about her real life
I had no idea that she was raised mormon. It makes so much sense though. I think it's important to realize that mormons believe in a pre existence where your soul consciously picks your family, with some element of you knowing how things will be before they happen. When you grow up in a good family it's a sweet "we picked each other" kind of thought. But it's an incredibly powerful way for abusers to push responsibility off onto their victims.
the part about her realizing the abuse she went through hit so hard. While I honestly had a good overall childhood, there were absolutely aspects of emotional and verbal abuse that happened to me repeatedly. My parents had good intentions, they sincerely love me and we have since talked thoroughly and worked on so many of these problems, but coming to the realization that I did NOT have this perfect family I thought I did was agonizing. It was even more difficult to navigate the "all of nothing" thinking me and a lot of society tends to place on extremely complicated situations like trauma. My parents can be both things: the cause of past abuse, and loving parents. Good and bad. Now please don't get me wrong I'm absolutely NOT saying this is the case with Jeanette, especially not with everything in the book. God no. Absolutely not. I just wanted to share my own experience with coming to such a world shattering conclusion as someone who had similar childhood perfectionist problems and a mom I felt I needed to constantly impress and be perfect for and who also live through me.
I had to hit pause at the "you caused my cancer to come back" part because that hit WAY too close to home. My best friend, a girl I've basically adopted as my sister had such a similar situation it made me pause, except with her Grandma. My friend had wanted so BADLY to get away from her manipulative family (with both a cancerous grandma and mom) that when she did, and her mom died, her Grandma actually sent her a letter saying "Your mother died of a broken heart, and you're the one who broke her heart when you moved away from us" To this day her Grandma is STILL trying to figure out where my friend lives now and get in contact with her. She even held my friend's part of her inheritence from her mother against her, saying instead of just meeting up somewhere to get it, she HAD to have my friend's address and mail it. Needless to say my friend said she didn't want anything from her mom's will if it meant having to even face the monster called her grandma.
i really relate to how you don’t know when you’re in an abusive household, you always think someone has it worse than you so you think you need to be grateful for the abuse you’re enduring, i had regular death wishes made against me by my parents but i wasn’t hit so i never thought it could be abuse, luckily i made friends later in life that helped me figure out what was really happening
Oh man I get what you mean. I don't know if I repressed my memories of abuse because they were just that bad (can't remember so...) or because I just couldn't handle the cognitive dissonance of telling myself "I'm not being abused, this is how everyone has always been raised" and then feeling the hopelessness and helplessness that my dad put me though every waking hour. Or maybe I just wouldn't face the pure black self hatred that came from not fighting back But I didn't realize I was being abused until I was 17 despite being beaten by him frequently since I was a toddler. I only realized because my mom divorced him and took us away. He said he loved us so often but then he did that- who could blame me for not knowing that he crossed a line every time he hit us? How was I to know there was a line to begin with? Just today: I wrote an exam at 9 and then went home to study for 4 more hours. Chill relaxed studying, but I was pretty exhausted just by the end of the exam and still had more to do. But then I looked at the house, how dirty it was, and felt a jolt because all of a sudden I was scared I'd get beaten if I didn't clean it before my mom got home. No logical reason for that time. I started getting anxious about the fact that I was relaxed earlier because not working with urgency must've been what put me in a situation that could get me beaten right? I had to remind myself that dad's not around. It's been 4 years and I have moments like that now and again. A part of me still says that I was never abused, that I'm just a bad daughter
@@andynonymous6769 I relate to this. Thankfully, no one ever struck me. But my stepdad was always angry at mum and me. Among various other complaints, the house was never clean enough, and it was because I was lazy and because mum was too busy "hand holding" me (she was severely depressed). He would fly in from another province in the middle of the night, she would drive to pick him up, and when they came home he would tour the house (drunk) and yell. I always pretended to be asleep, but really I had been carefully watching the clock and trying to get several weeks' worth of chores done in four hours. Years ago, of course. But a little while ago, my partner was working afternoons and I had promised to get the dishes done. He gets home around 2am while on afternoons. I remember looking at the clock and my entire body seizing up as I realized I had procrastinated until 12:30 and the dishes still weren't done. I remember shaking with anxiety, and triple-checking that all the lights were off before I went to bed, so he wouldn't suspect I had stayed up so late to get them done. Never mind that my partner is a wonderful human being, who might have been a little disappointed in me but ultimately would have preferred that I get a good night's sleep instead. I was never sexually abused. I was never beaten. But I cried so bitterly back then, and it still affects me today. For me, it's been a little more than 10 years since he's been out of our life. I sincerely hope that you have a strength I can't seem to find, and can forget.
mee lmao. my parents were terribly abusive in childhood, including physical harm (the hitting sort of stopped after i became a teen and i guess they saw that i sort of developed more as my own person). it became emotional abuse after that. being called a clown by my own father (the insult has more of an effect in my native language lmao), yelled at, told that my mother would be glad when i died, that id go homeless, that i was useless because i was doing badly at school etc... it's resulted in pretty bad anxiety since i was around 12-13 and lately possibly an ed. among other things of course. however i always felt like calling my situation abusive was too much. it wasn't REALLY abuse, my parents still fed me and clearly cared about me! all the punishments were just for my own good and out of love! plus they'd stopped hitting me and making me cry until i was nauseous! when i tell other ppl about the things my family said and did (and says and does) they look at me like im crazy. like they genuinely can't imagine someone would be so terrible. i thought i was exaggerating things and victimizing myself for years and years because that's what my mom told me i was doing. i would literally gaslight myself into believing i wasnt mentally ill despite showing clear signs of mental illness because i thought i was being dramatic to excuse my wrongdoings lmao i still struggle every day with anxiety. constant pain. i cant tell which pain is real and which is caused by anxiety. i make my parents waste money on doctors all the time because im paranoid of dying. i actually am paranoid of that right now because ive been unwell for weeks. im "diagnosed" with social anxiety because last year i went to a cool psychologist who ran some tests, its not official gov wise because being diagnosed by the state can limit your opportunities in life if people see that you're ill. im not on medication because my mother threatens with cutting off my funds for education if i go on it (she thinks it'll ruin my life for some reason). im constantly suffering. there isn't a moment where im not in agony in some way mentally physically or both. i have unaddressed trauma bc ive stopped my visits to the psych and we never got that far with our sessions. this year i had a terrible panic attack and i dont know how much damage it mightve done to my body. basically, i am properly messed up with no hope of getting better within the next 6 years or so! when my parents pass away, ill sure as hell be glad the mom in this book sounds very similar to mine in so many ways
Oh hard same, like my mom did physically abused me occasionally but i wasn't being beaten daily so it obviously wasnt That bad. Took her yelling at my brother in the middle of the night to make me realize shes a pos
Even some of my siblings were treated worse than I was. Sure, even the favorite doesn't walk off unscathed when a narcissist is involved. It's very isolating, but can I complain when my sisters were basically given death threats? (Like an honor killing deal.)
I like your negative reviews as much as everyone else - you've got real skill at dragging bad writing - but I think it makes the rare positive reviews even better, because we know you have high standards and you back up why you *like* a book just as thoroughly as why you hated the other books
this absolutely. For me, while a negative review is far more entertaining than a just ok one, getting to hear true earned praise for an excellent work is a true treat.
Your point about how many talented, not abusive, creators are out there, who don't get their shot because studios keep problematic dicks on payroll is something I've felt for so long. It's like, no, I don't want to hear from Louis C.K. anymore, I want to hear from a new talent who isn't an abusive jerk. Yet. Who the f*ck knows what the future brings but support new talent. Every time one of your favorite artists gets "cancelled" for good reason go out and find a little known artist or comedian who needs the views. The world is full of talented, creative, funny people and most of them you haven't heard of! Go to a Fringe theater festival! Become a fangirl for that weirdo one-man play of a very dumb Sherlock Holmes parody and never think about all the "cancelled" abusive idiots that we're asked to forgive because we liked their 2012 comedy special.
I have looooooved the comedy of Louis CK forever. I followed his career for well over a decade, from the other side of the world. Yes- it freaking burned to find out what he had done. Yes- it was sad to know that he would be cancelled. BUT IT WAS BECAUSE HE FORCED WOMEN TO WATCH HIM JERK OFF AT WORK... I am so tired of hearing people try to dilute this down. He is a nasty, abusive jerk. You are 100% right- there are thousands of other people who have incredible talent and will never receive the opportunities, support and platform that Louis CK had. Anyway- thanks for the validation 😂
YES YES YES!!! I feel so strongly about this. There are websites that generate suggestions based on the songs, films, shows, and artists you like. It’s easy to find something else to enjoy without supporting known abusers. Frustrates me to no end.
Yep. I watch RUclips instead of movies or TV (and am extremely aware that celebrity YTers aren't to be trusted either) and listen to music by less famous artists. When someone wants to speak, I listen. But never stan famous people.
My niece and nephew are still struggling with having my horrible, toxic sister as their mother. Finally she died and now we all are moving on. Not everyone should be allowed the privilege of parenthood.
My mom died in May and I wasn’t really surprised by the book title when I thought about the horror stories of stage parents. I love my mom and miss her every day, but I’m not naïve to think everyone was lucky enough to have as loving a mom as I did (her own mother is proof of that). So yeah I don’t speak for every person who recently lost their mother but the argument of people being reminded of that trauma doesn’t resonate with me.
If your trauma is resonating from this title, that is on you, you need to get that figured out and that is no one else’s problem. Her mother is proof of loving? Read it again
@@nelclarke2810 they said it doesn't resonate with them and that Jenette's mum is proof that not everyone has a loving mother - i think you need to re-read the comment.
@@starberry5405 I actually meant to say my grandmother and the way she treated my mom as a kid was proof that not every mom is loving. Rereading it I can see how it’s confusing lol, but yeah you got meaning right
The chapter where Laura tries to help her process the abuse was so heartbreakingly real to read as someone who’s experienced maternal abuse. Even years into my own healing journey, I still find myself minimizing and justifying the way my mom treated me. It feels like the kind of conversation I have w myself on a day-to-day basis. This book was so validating and cathartic to know that at least one other person out there understands what it’s like to go through that and the complexities of emotion that accompany it.
i'm so sorry you went through that. i agree that the therapy and recovery scenes were authentic and honest, and they were great representation of the ups and downs of hte process
When I was 17, I dated a former child actor. His mom raised all of her 7 children to be performers and used their income to pay the bills. She also neglected multiple pets to the point that one dog had dreadlocks and I didn't know there was a second locked in the basement for the first year I dated him. They sang backup for R Kelly, witnessed a lot of the things he got in legal trouble for, but they were honestly confused why I was shocked they never contacted the police about it. I also found out when he proposed to me that I was his beard, but that's another story. The entertainment industry is full of garbage like this and it's truly horrifying.
I was surprised how much I related to this. My parents were never abusive or anything, but I'm transgender. For my entire childhood I felt like I was acting, pretending to be someone else, someone a boy should be, and Mccurdy's feeling of needing to be someone her mom could accept reminds me of how terrified I used to be of being myself
I think the part that stuck with me was the unique trauma that many young abuse victims experience : we don’t know any different so we really don’t know what’s wrong.
Thank you for calling out The Creator pressuring her to drink. That’s so gross but I know there’s many people who would defend it because she wasn’t a minor. It’s clear that she was g*oomed and this started years earlier. Even with all the stuff that happened in her older teens, she was still a kid and I’m sure it was really hard to have to deal with all of that.
As someone whom is a mom, watched iCarly, struggles with OCD and BDD and is a survivor of childhood SA, this breaks my heart in so many ways. I'm so glad she's been able to find her voice and not let it be silenced any longer. She deserves to be happy, healthy and stable.
As someone who will be very sad when my mom dies, when I first heard the title of this book I was like, "Damn. Good for you, girl; good for you." Never even crossed my mind that she could be anything less than fully justified in expressing that sentiment. Wishing Jeanette McCurdy every happiness and every opportunity to live her best life going forward that she was deprived of before now.
Just imagine if she had been allowed and encouraged to follow her passion for writing. I'm sure she could have been just as famous for her writing and may have felt differently about it if it was something she really wanted to do ❤️
And itsa great middlefinger to her mom, not only that she persues writing but her i think first book, is that. But jusdgibg by the first start, thats really good foreboding, she has talent that, her mom stole a lot by not letting her.
Being able to write a child-voice effectively is a great skill. I appreciate that this book went for a particular tone/unique voice because most celeb memoires tend to be bland and without personality.
Something that was not mentioned in the video was when Jeanettes OCD first flared up. She specifically mentioned that when she was in the bathroom doing what “The Holy Ghost” told her to do, she saw that her mom had a sort of sad look in her eyes and to me, that might show one of the possibly rare moments where her mom genuinely realized one of the negative effect she was having on her daughter and that, for once, she probably felt SOME type of remorse in that situation. And it just makes it all the more frustrating during the later conversation her mom had with her grandpa about Jeanettes OCD where she outright denied it. It just showed that she recognized the reality, but chose to live in her denial rather than try to get her own daughter some type of help. You would think since her mom also has OCD, she recognizes how difficult it is to live with and she wouldn’t want that for her ‘perfect daughter’. That, along with many other points in the book, made me think “You know what, I’m glad her mom died too.”
This took a lot of courage for her to write ♥️. My Mom is in the dying process (Alzheimer’s) and I’m wrestling with the resentment towards her from my childhood and my unwillingness to help take care of her now while people in my life are trying to remedy my thoughts by reminding me that “but she’s your Mom”. This was definitely an eye opening review and I will be buying the book soon!
Ask yourself what kind of shit would she do to you if it was you and how would she make it ALL ABOUT herself. DON'T feel guilty for not taking care of a parent or ANYONE that treated or treats you in a toxic manner. They do not deserve your energy. PERIOD.
Helga is a gift to us all. Also, a note on parenting: with my first daughter, I was very focused on talking about and identifying her emotions. At some point though, (kids are smart) she realized she could use that and started derailing what we were supposed to be doing for a talk about her feelings. The end result is I have no idea if I am being a good parent anymore because the rules change as the kid changes. You just gotta love them and hope for the best.
you sound like a good parent; even if you're not sure if it'll work in the end, you're definitely trying to do a good thing with good intentions, unlike jennette's manipulative mom. and yes, we love & stan helga
Yes, we try to do what ìs best for them. Sometimes there are kids who are smart enough to play their parents. There are no perfect parents, and children may not be the sweet, loving people we are led to believe they always are. That said, I'm sorry that a young woman was so poorly treated by her mother, and I intend to read her book.
Yeah, my kid is autistic so we were very careful from the get go to try to give him the tools to identify his feelings. When he was feeling overwhelmed, when he was frustrated, when he was sad and didn't necessarily know why... and since he was about 5 he's used phrases like "this is just making me feel so stressed" to try to get out of everything from bath time to talking about why he pushed another kid to going to bed, or to make us stop talking to each other because he wanted to be in the room with us but have us only talk to him. It's hard to know where to draw the line with letting him identify when things upset him and establish boundaries, and making him actually eat, sleep, bathe, leave the house once in a while, and acknowledge that other people's feelings matter too. Kids are suuuuuper manipulative of compassionate parenting, but it still beats the alternative. Or that's what I tell myself when my kid decides to have long heart to hearts at 1am and ONLY at 1am and I have to find a way to tell him to go the f*ck to sleep without dismissing his feelings or rejecting his attempts at connecting!
Yes! My son has told me I was hurting his feelings because I asked him to choose which pajamas he wanted to wear and he couldn't decide. I sailed through the "Terrible 2s" and the "Threenager" phases, just to get hit in the face with that at 5. Anyway, kids are delicate and resilient at the same time. The fact that you even care about her feelings, and she knows you do, will be so beneficial to her as she becomes an adult. You make her feel safe, and I think that is so important.
I absolutely love Jennette McCurdy. She was one of my first childhood crushes & I’m shocked by how many similarities we both had growing up. My mom also had breast cancer (though my mom is still alive), both were raised in the Mormon Church even though our mothers didn’t really follow all the rules of the religion, my mom was also so strange about my weight growing up (not to the extent that Jennette’s mom was), both of us were SA’d, shower trauma (by different people, but I was watched while I showered by a family friend), & I’m looking forward to the day my mom dies. Anytime I have said those words out loud people look at me like I’m a monster & guilt me. Jennette is one of my biggest idols and I hope that she continues to be better off without her mom & as far as I can tell she’s genuinely happy. I love that for her.
As an almost 50 year old woman JUST NOW getting therapy for the abuse I endured from my mother, this hit home. I really appreciated the parts you spoke on and acknowledged what a good “ story” this book is. Well conveyed , funny and heartfelt. I REALLY want this young woman to be happy . I truly hope she’s finding all the good people and general health now. I hope her poor body won’t suffer too much from long term ED . Anyway, fantastic review. I just subscribed. Thanks .
The way Jeanette's mom inserted herself into her life and latched on, and tried to make Jeanette into a mini version of her reminds me so much of my grandma. She did that to me, but not as much to this extent because she didn't live with me. I can't blame Jeanette for being glad her mom is dead. Very few people believe me when I say I'll be relieved when my grandma dies. Fortunately I've been able to move away. The rest of my family still deals with her.
"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." This is the original line. "Blood is thicker than water," is a stripping down of the phrase that reversed the meaning. It was intended to mean that birth-right/family doesn't always equal your strongest relationships nor greatest loyalties. Additionally, if you are LGBT, especially LGBT and Atheist/Agnostic/Nonreligious, you are also familiar with just how important chosen family and found family are.
(Not to take away from Dannie's point though, which definitely holds. Plus if you want to go with that phrase, Wikipedia has a quote by H. C. Trumbull, "But the Arabs hold that brothers in the covenant of blood are closer than brothers at a common breast; that those who have tasted each other's blood are in a surer covenant than those who have tasted the same milk together ; that "blood-lickers," as the blood-brothers are sometimes called, are more truly one than "milk-brothers," or "sucking brothers"; that, indeed, blood is thicker than milk, as well as thicker than water.")
@@GabyGeorge1996 Albert Jack And R. Richard Pustelniak are the authors. I can find the essay Blood Of Water By Albert Jack And R. Richard Pustelniak, but can access it. However there is a website that posts R. Richard Pustelniak text called The Blood Covenant called bac2torah. With a dot and kom spelled with a c at the end. It does not site any sources. Of course Wikipedia claims that the “blood is thicker than water” expression has it’s origins in the 12th century, so there doesn’t seem to be any question about it. Especially since several independent websites seem to confirm this view. Of course you are free to find information that contradicts this.
THANK YOU for talking about the connection between religion and OCD. I had such severe OCD i almost needed to be homeschooled, and i barely slept. as soon as i heard the line about jennette wishing for her moms health every time she blew out her bday candles, i literally said to myself "wow that's some early ocd shit" then you not only reveal she DOES have ocd, but also that you understand the superstitious/religious connections. it's so rare to hear someone describe the less common OCD variants. i am disorganized, don't give a shit if things are in color order, don't wash my hands unnecessarily etc, but OCD has many forms and the hardest ones are so misunderstood and often glossed over.
yes same! my ocd started as the religious variant, it showed differently than Jeanette's but hearing that line about birthday wishes made me think "uh oh, that doesn't sound like something a healthy kid would do"
Oh yes! Even today, I sometimes think that if I don't pray or do a painful sacrifice, something bad will happen. I mean it kind of devolved form pray and sacrifice for sinners, pray for peace, etc being taken way too seriously.
I first heard about this book when my mum was given a terminal diagnosis. I never once felt triggered or offended as it wasn’t my story. Janette wasn’t hoping my mum died, she was glad hers was. It wasn’t about me. Also thank you for this. I’ve had a hard time with my mental health lately and watching anything has been difficult to keep my attention but this felt like a breeze. I didn’t read the book myself as I didn’t think I could handle it but watching this helped a lot in digesting this info.
There are so many people in these comments who have suffered trauma because of their Moms. As someone who also survived - my heart goes out to everyone because I know the intense amount of pain I’ve felt.
Evanna Lynch, who played Luna Lovegood in the Harry Potter movies, also has a well written memoir that just destroyed me at points. This review reminds me a lot of that book and how much I loved reading it.
It's kinda sad and interesting to see the brutal duality between her and Sam. Kinda, Sam was completely carefree, strong willed, even though she had an unhealthy relationship with her mom, but unlike her, her character could argue with her mom, fight, and in the end they could truly forgive eachother and say that they loved each other, she could eat tons of fried chicken and sweets, she could do whatever she wanted. And, on the other hand, here's Jenette. I wonder how devastating watching herself on Sam's skin would feel if she wasn't so deeply brainwashed about her situation. Also, can't forget the enviroment were Sam was being buit. Kinda, that's the kind of stuff I can't stop thinking about since I heard her story. You know when you see your friend's instagram and they're hanging out and you couldn't because of a curfew or something and you start to project how good would feel to be there? Then imagine it with your own image plastered, but yet, there's another gut squishing feeling surrounding the whole context.
The bright spot in this book is Jennette’s account of Miranda Cosgrove, she really is an authentic and kind human being , it’s just nice to know that not every child actor is egotistical and selfish some, like Miranda are exactly as nice as they seem. Jeanette’s recovery from everything makes me smile.
Jennette only referring to you-know-who by "creator" reminds me of Natascha Kampusch, who to this day only refers to her kidnapper as "the perpetrator". If you remember, Natascha was held captive for almost ten years after she had been kidnapped aged 8 or so.
I listened to the whole audio book over the last 24 hours and I'm absolutely blown away. I lost my mother to anorexia/alcoholism when I was 15 and my father earlier this year to brain cancer. Even though both events were incredibly hard and sad, I've never heard someone put the sense of relief (and with that, the overwhelming guilt) that comes when an abusive parent dies in such a brutally beautiful way. I'm so in awe of Jennette.
For me it is both a blessing and a curse, that my memories of childhood are almost on existent. The struggle between "what did happen" and "do I really want to know". Listening to a autobiography like this lets me tend to go to "maybe it isn't that bad that I don't remember".
I truly understand where you’re coming from, but please don’t invalidate yourself if you still struggle with things you may not remember. Our brains can still collect data from traumatic events, and erase memories of it in order to protect us. Doesnt mean its any less valid. ❤️
it makes me sad too :( her character did mean a lot to me. however, i can completely understand how she might look at the past as a time of manipulation and abuse, so i definitely respect her decision. i'm glad she's moved into writing, as she's so great at it
@@SAVYWRITESBOOKS fr - this book isn't something I'm going to pick up because I know the subject matter will be too heavy for me, but her writing has a brightness and intelligence that makes me really excited and hopeful for the possibility of future work from her. I'm so glad she feels able to tell her story to so many
You know you never see people arguing that kids should love their parents when the abuse gets bad enough for cps to get involved. But it’s like until it gets that bad all can be forgiven. Parents can be incredibly good at hiding abuse and this narrative feeds into that and is why so many cases of abuse go unnoticed. We need to start treating a child’S love and appreciation for their parents as something that’S earned and not a given.
I looked up to Sams character so much when I was growing up. There weren’t many aggressively hyper tomboys on tv at the time. That’s why I feel so fiercely loyal to the actress, everyone came for her when she didn’t wanna do the reboot. But yeah, no sh*t she didn’t want to do it. I couldn’t imagine the ptsd she’d get even trying to get back into the Sam character. Her mental health is more important than some stupid tv show character. So proud her book has opened the eyes of many people and sold out literally everywhere.
I had a lot of these same issues with my mother. Objectification sexualization and projection of her eating disorders. My mother passed last year and I have accomplished more healing and recovery since she died than I was ever capable while she was living. I’m willing and able to look at the ways she hurt me now that she has passed. I would not have been able to address those things without feeling active resentment if she was still alive. I am sad that she passed , so sad, but on some level I am glad that I’m taking care of myself for the first time in my life. I feel like I should order this book and read it for myself. Thank you for doing this in-depth analysis I’m really enjoying it. I write this with tears in my eyes. It is a lot to process. Thank you for this safe space to share
This makes me so sad. She suffered so much in silence and through it all, she gave us so much joy and entertainment. I’ll never be able to look at iCarly the same ever again. Poor Jeannette. :(
I adored Jeannette's writing style with this book, you can really tell how much she enjoys writing and how she excels at it. I hope she writes more in the future
God the scene where she explains how during her showers (which can INCLUDE HER 16 YEAR OLD BROTHER) her mother does 'examinations' on her breasts and her 'front' and it genuinely made me feel ill. The other scene that really haunts me is when jennette tries to quit, and her mother begins to cry and scream, beating on the horn as if her life truly depends on her childs acting career, and the second jennette agrees to continue, the crying stops as if it didnt happen. So terrifying.
I have to be honest, as someone with an abusive mom with cancer, I felt so seen when I saw the title of this book. The feeling of relief when your abusive mother dies makes you feel so guilty. It’s amazing to know that other people felt the same way. I can’t wait to read this book
Only 10 minutes in, but I APPRECIATE the title as someone who had an abusive mom growing up. When I was first escaping her I feared that I would never feel safe until she died. It's been 15 years since I last saw her, and I'm happily anticipating when 2 years from now I will have lived my life longer without her, than with her. Not everyone's mom/dad/parents/guardian is loving and supportive. Hearing the "But they're you X" justification makes me sick with how dismissive it is of reprehensible behaviour.
My mother wasn't this toxic, but she died when I was 12 and I was always "well, at least I don't have to go through that again" about it. I heard the book's title and got it.
I’ve read a lot of comments on this section and I’ve got to say that my entire heart goes out to all of the people that have felt scrutinized, abused, misunderstood, exploited, neglected or victimized by their parents, especially their mothers. I felt it a lot when you were talking about parents projecting their feelings onto their children, even though they can be considered good parents it can still happen that they want us to act a certain way or they EXPECT us to act a certain way because it’s what they chose to see in us. It happens to me a lot with my mom, don’t get me wrong, I love that woman to death and she’s an excellent mother but often times she doesn’t seem to understand why I act the way I act on certain situations. She tries to, but I know she has a hard time accepting it sometimes. The thing is, I have social anxiety, it is not diagnosed because my family thinks I don’t need therapy but all of the symptoms are there, I genuinely FEEL myself clam up when put in a very social setting. Meeting new people, speaking in public, the whole nine. My mother, on the other hand is a lawyer, she is extremely outspoken, she expresses herself extremely well and she’s never been bothered by public attention. Same as my father, he’s an architect and often interacts with his clients. Me on the other hand dreads interaction with others in fear of screwing up. I hate feeling this way but I do, and my mother’s default answer every time I tell her this or when she sees I struggle to do something as simple as asking for directions is “I don’t understand why you’re like this, I was never like this, your father is not like this, so who do you even get it from?” I often ignore it but I can’t sit down here, write this and pretend like it doesn’t hurt. It does. My mother is great at many things, but I can’t help but feel like she wants me to be the way SHE is because well, “I’m my mother’s daughter.” I’m just not that person, and I’m tired of it.
I ordered a physical copy through my local bookstore and DEVOURED the audiobook in the meantime, I listened to it in practically one sitting. It's narrated by Jennette herself. I highly recommend it, whether you're waiting to get your hands on a physical copy while it's sold out everywhere, or even if you've already read the text - it's a different, deeply impactful experience listening to her own voice recount these experiences.
1:13:00 I definitely related to this therapy scene. I had a similar angry and defensive reaction to my therapist when she first told me my mother and I were co-dependent. Jennette is an excellent writer who is really able to bring these moments alive.
I know it won’t solve all problems, not by a long shot, but I feel like we need even stricter child labor laws. Maybe I’m swinging too far the other way, but do we really need child performers at all? If it is “necessary” maybe it could be allowed once a week, like an extra curricular?
I was just thinking this the other day. Cartoons can have child characters voiced by adults. Do we NEED children acting in paid productions? I'm honestly wondering if we shouldn't have child actors at all. But then i could imagine some crazy parents starving their kids so that they can play younger roles once they're 18. Idk
I don't think you're swinging too far- It's been shown that adults fail to protect minors over and over, so the only solution I see is not putting them at risk in the 1st place
@@whims6278 yeah, it's so weird that kids aren't allowed to have official jobs* EXCEPT for acting. Why is that so important? Why is the general public's entertainment more important than individuals' well being? I feel like there's never been a positive child actor story that came out of Hollywood. *I understand some kids do help out on family farms that go beyond typical "chores," which is a separate issue I don't know a lot about and don't feel confident discussing, but a far as paper trails and salaries are concerned, it's just performing, right? And don't get me started on "family" RUclips channels 🤮
Some people criticize channels for hiring adults to play minors so they can portray high school students in risqué situations but I would prefer that to...whatever Dan Schneider did.
This book was such a trip to go through for me. I was excited for it because the title alone resonated with me because I have such a bad relationship with my grandparents. By the time I got through the book, once Janette got to the part of just being emotionally exhausted with a person, it just hit me in such a cathartic way. It was sad but it was like, nice to see that kind of family dynamic put into words?
I can totally relate to having a therapist tell you that what your parent did to you was abusive. I remember sitting in front of mine, and denied, denied, denied, and at some point she read to me a definition of abuse, and asked me if any of that felt familiar to me. It was world-shattering, honestly, and my abuse wasn't anything as horrific as what Jennette McCurdy went through.
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Would you be able to put time stamps for where the talk about counting calories begins and ends? I didn’t realise how triggering I found it.
honestly, i found it a bit yikes to have a diet food sponsor when the book you're reviewing is partly about experiences w disordered eating…maybe not the best pairing when considering the video's audience
@@cfuller9202 I commit to the sponsor dates weeks in advance and lock them in, and then when the book arrived i wanted to get the video out immediately. There was no ill intention.
I don't get people who complain about the title. It's not saying "I'm glad YOUR mom died", it says "I'm glad MY mom died".
Gotta help the other people and be offended on their behalf.
exactly -- it's HER story to tell!
Who is complaining? I see tons of people making this exact same comment.. yet nobody actually complaining about the title. So who exactly are the people complaining?
@@bailey7792 there were a lot of them on twitter, but they've mostly now been drowned out by support. this was moreso before the book actually came out
@@bailey7792 most likely conservatives, certain parenting circles in which have goals to ban books of such topic like this from school and maybe a few news commentators on the title being so bold.
Basically people out of our generation that aren’t late Gen X, Millennials or Gen Z that didn’t get that kind of experience or that grew up with the idea of parents doing this for them out of religious or moral obligations to remain in a frame of loyalty despite their abuse. Specifically something in the Christian bibles in which the Old Testament says something “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right” according to Ephesians 6:1-2. Yet there is a contradiction in the same chapter Ephesians 4: Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Sadly there is several passages in which you as a child may feel that guilt to bear because of your personal faith with a god, especially Christian families are skewed to do that, and even in the Christian bibles this lesson is repeated to happen several times. Her mom if she was a religious woman didn’t practice what she preached. This Author had to provide for her other siblings while also being a child for herself. Forgiveness could maybe happen one day but it have to be on the authors terms as it took a toll on her life and she needs to heal not just in faith; assuming if she wants to remain in one or not but actual professional help. No one deserves to be treated the way her mom treated her.
The fact that Jeanette, her whole life, was constantly trying to make her mom look good, explain away her abuse, make excuses for her, made me finally completely understand why she titled this book the way she did. It's a beautiful way of reminding everyone, including herself, that she was not a good mom, and her being dead doesn't change that. It's good that she's gone.
i heard an interview she gave very shortly after her mom died (like that same year) and she told a completely different story. she said her mom wasn’t a ‘stage mom’ and was clueless the whole time. she even said she wanted to act. she never brought up the fact that her mom forced her into it. it was so interesting to listen to it again after reading her book. idk if she knew at the time what her mom did was messed up so she lied to not make her mom look bad or she genuinely tried to repaint what actually happened as a coping mechanism.
@@El1society could’ve easily been a bit of both
The title always made perfect sense to me. If someone shitty dies you're gonna be glad
@anaferreiramattos Nods. Exactly. Abusers can be manipulative like that, manifesting in their victim's mind (using fear of course) that they're the opposite. I speak as an abuse survivor myself.
@@snoozyq9576 Wishing for someone to die makes you as bad as them. You can dislike someone but you shouldn't be as cruel as them
It warms my heart to know that Miranda was a good friend to Jeanette like at least she got one good thing out of her horrible experience. I remember when the reboot first came out and watching an interview with Miranda Cosgrove where they asked her about Jeanette and why she wasn’t doing a reboot and Miranda told the interviewer that Jeanette has been through a lot and she deserved to not have to do the reboot and that interview I feel makes a lot more sense now
Honestly, Miranda Cosgrove came out looking like an angel throughout this book. Good on her for being one of the only people to actually respect Jenette's boundaries and support her as best as she knew how.
same. love to see these ladies sticking up for each other
I also remember Miranda saying something in an interview or something how she was surprised when she found out what Jennette had been through considering how much fun she was on set and would always make other people laugh, and Miranda seemed genuinely upset that she didn't know or wasn't able to do something for her
Same. I was trying to type my own comment on this, but I wasn't managing to put it into words. Abuse tends to be an isolating and lonely experience, and knowing that at the very least Jennette had a positive bond in all of this, a friendship that she clearly treasures, makes me want to cry. I wish I had someone like that in my life when I was going through it, and I'm glad Jennette had a friend like Miranda.
1:17:29 time stamp for this
Toxic people can have kids too! Stop the "oh but it's your mom/dad" stuff. My grandmother made it her life plan to destroy the lives of her two daughters (she only treats the men in the family well). When my mother was a child, in addition to countless psychological abuses, my grandmother also disappeared for days leaving her small children alone at home. Years later my grandmother decided to turn my mother's life into complete hell because she didn't accept that she had divorced. She was responsible for psychological, financial and physical damage. It got to the point where a judge advised the women in the family to keep their distance from her. Since my grandmother refuses psychological treatment. Now that my grandmother is very old, other relatives keep saying that we should see her again, but the few times we tried were traumatic. Just because she's old doesn't mean she's stopped being a terrible person. No one is forced to put up with abuse all their lives just because the abuser is their mother.
Never understood people who would try to convince victims to visit their abuser.
Tbh I would have said "a judge advices us to stay away from her. Are you someone with more power than judge?"
Can never understand why saying you're glad a bad person is dead is somehow disrespectful or shitting on them like it's a bad thing. Sure I'm shitting on them, they're an awful person who doesn't deserve respect.
Death is not another sunday mass. It is not the moral or character reset button for people. It doesn't wash away your shitty behavior
Felt that, my great grandpa was probably involved with the klan to a certain degree, and it’s just one of the family tales that nobody talks about. For context, I only know about this incident from my grandpa, who was young at the time, but on Halloween, he came home from trick or treating to find his dad handing out candy in a kkk hood/uniform. He told me this a few months ago, and my grandpa (they have been married for decades) was unaware of this and rightfully shocked. Why he had it, if it was real, if he supported it or just thought the idea was funny, other occasions in which he wore it are all questions we’ll likely never know the answer to (the man lived in florida in the first half of the 20th century, it may be better to leave it ambiguous). My grandpa is a great man, he has a solid moral code and is well liked by everybody, so it would be hard for many people to believe that his dad could be such a piece of shit (his mom was cool though).
Its that parents see their children as property and the law more or less treats them that way. Children are not pets and deserve more human rights than what is currently given. At least the children in show business have some oversight, but these social media moms should all go to jail. Particularly that one couple who adopted a child against all expert recommendations (basically saying that they were not equipt to handle his needs and that he would not thrive in their home), made millions off his videos, and then just gave him up because his behavior issues were to much. Im sorry but he is not a dog and they should have to return all the money they made off of him.
I think Jennet deserves more credit as a actress then she's given; imagine having an eating disorder while playing the part of a ravenous character like Sam who never passes up the chance for food.
The obsession with food and trying to eat it and also throwing it all up afterwards makes the inclination so much easier. I believe Jeanette wasn't acting in these instances, but actually going on a long-anticipated binge phase. Free unlimited food? Yes please, I know it'll all go away later after the set
It's almost like the eating disorder is related. I genuinely don't understand why children acting doesn't violate child labor laws. There's no way children are equipped to deal with that level of fame because it stunts their development, while I definitely support Jeanette I wonder if holding her up in this way doesn't just perpetuate the harm shes suffered.
Bojack horseman I think explores these themes really well.
And the eating disorder was only part of her problem. The eating disorder is a side-effect of a controlling parental figure. It is also a coping mechanism especially for someone with OCD.
@@maureenseel118 probably so. Someone forced into complete dependency will often find any little thing they can control to counteract the lack of control they feel in their everyday lives. Even regardless of the harm it does to themselves.
We see this kind of behavior in prison systems pretty often.
@@josephmatthews7698 u made me realize the particular type of sadness this book made me feel reminds me of how i felt watching bojack. its deep shit.
My favourite quote from the book: “Why do we romanticize the dead?” It’s a good question, why is my abusive aunt suddenly a saint? Why is my grandfather who was many things, suddenly given the title of ‘Kind’? From what I understand, he was not kind, and many barely even described him as pleasant. I like McCurdy’s point about how we need to/should be honest even on the tomb stone. It’s hard to be honest, and forgiveness is harder. But I plan on doing both because I deserve to be happy.
To my grandparents' credit, they always said that dying never made anyone better. I respect the dead, as they deserved respect in life, and have developed more compassion for the faults of others as I have aged. Still, I agree that dying never made a bad person into a good one.
yes, that's so important. especially because it can be so hard to hold people accountable while they're alive
Reminds me of when my Sisters ex got disabled. He went blind due to a genetic Thing. My sisters ex was very verbally abusive, incredibly jealous and would call her a wh*re for hanging Out with her Male Friends. They broke Up, then He went blind and my sister wanted to "Help him Out", resulting in her going Back to him.
I was horrified, my mum,who knew about some of the mess that was going on, .... Wasnt? When i asked her why she was OK with my sis Putting herself in that Position again, i got the weirdest Response i ever heard her say: but Hes disabled now. As If that suddenly Made him a better Person and magically fixed His hangups and the toxicity of the relationship.
Surprise, surprise, He did Not Change one iota. But apparently i was the one who Lacks compassion for Not expecting him to Change over night. What that man needed was therapy, Not a disability. Going blind at age 20, having to learn to Deal with that and learning to find a Job and handle being dependent on other people... Yes, all of that is a Lot. But it doesnt Turn you into a better Person overnight, and my compassion for that certainly does Not have to Cover the toxic crap that He did BEFORE all of that.
Reminds me of a funeral of a distant relative long ago. Everyone in our family knew the person and they were not kind or anything positive. The priest did his job at the funeral and read the generic thing about the deceased which was only praise and everyone who knew the dead relative looked at one another like " what is this bs? ".
Omg yes, there would be times when I would be cursed out for saying honest feelings about an abusive family member, neighbor or celebrities; just because they are dead. It’s really frustrating and inhumane to ignore a LIVING person’s trauma for a deceased corpses. And it’s just like what you said about how they are suddenly a ‘saint’ not they they are gone. And it’s so fucked up to me that all the people that they hurt have to suffer in silence or be a disgrace for holding accountable heavy trauma / abuse for one’s mental health, mentality.
To anyone who doesn’t understand the title or who is offended:
What would your mom have to do in order for you to feel the same way about her? What type of trauma would you have to experience to want to cut contact with your family and feel relief when they are dead? The type of trauma Jeanette faced was so severe that she feels this way. Be grateful that you don’t understand.
Totally, though you know what, a lot of people who say that probably do understand and that’s exactly why they’re saying that… the first step of healing is often rejection.
@@AJFilms14 denial is not a “first step”.. like there aren’t actual stages of grief. Denial for a lot of people is refusal to critically analyze the feelings they do have in regards to whatever they may be attacking/defending. A good example is if you’ve ever had someone defend spanking to you. There is no healing going on, just doubling down that the abuse is “normal” to avoid unpacking things.it’s literally seeing someone get triggered, and there isn’t healing that comes from that state.
@@whatsupimlouie4670 yeah I didn’t mean “first step” in that way. I meant like how in Jennette’s book her first therapist brings it up to her and it reaches this wall. But it may have planted a seed. It’s just very likely in my experience that it’s a first reaction to it being brought up for the first time.
It’s true that for a lot of people it’s not a step it’s just how they rationalize it forever which sucks. It’s people who have healed a bit from it that report this initial response.
Yup. I always say that my dad dying is the best thing that ever happened to me, and it's true. People get offended but honestly, i couldn't care less
That scene with Jennette's grandpa saying she has OCD and her mom saying she's "perfect" hit me like a truck because I've had basically the exact same thing happen with my mom about my autism. My preschool teacher told her that she thought I was autistic and my mom said, "No, she's just gifted." Because obviously I couldn't have a disorder, then I wouldn't be her perfect golden child anymore.
my parents tried to push my autism under the rug for the first 17 years of my life, just by saying I was gifted and putting me into related school programs for gifted kids.
Same with my parents when I started pointing out that I may be depressed. It didn't hit them until I went to the psych ward
@@plutossky7534 dumbass parenting moment. Idc how well your parents treat you, if they allow their child to go through something like that to that degree knowingly, they’ve failed at parenting. I hope you’re in a much better place right now.
You know your mum just wanted to protect you right. She may have done wrong but her actions were all about protecting you from being treated differently and bullied
@@cashkitty3472 You have no idea what you’re talking about. You’re just making excuses to deny people medical treatment. If a parent was actually good they would support their child. And you don’t think people are already being bullied for acting differently? People still have disorders that are not diagnosed with yet. I was born with autism I didn’t just suddenly appear when I was diagnosed. And I have immense drama from growing up with no medical treatment for it. People really Gotta stop it with they just want to help you bullshit no they fucking don’t.
Honestly i think the title is EXTREMELY effective bc it makes you go “holy shit what did her mom do to garner that sort of feeling” and as you read you start rooting for her mom to die too
YES! THAT WAS MY EXACT REACTION. AND FOR THE RECORD, I HAVE AN OKAY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOM.
Well ya thats the point of it I don't think anyone finds it a dull title lol
I've never rooted for anyone to die. That's just evil, dude...
@@joltyflare so... you ain't happy hitler dying? Okay....
The book is pretty much “I’m glad my mom died and here’s why” and some people are like “we embrace coming out about struggles but not that one.”
The title does not offend me. It actually makes me worry about people who are grieving their own parents who will see it. I'm glad she wrote the book - I just wish she'd gone with a different title.
@@sadem1045 The title actually probably acts more as trigger warning anyway for someone who is grieving that kind of thing not to read it. This perspective feels so mind numbing to me as someone who has lost a loved one recently. Greif is heavy and complex and it can cause tons of things to be triggering, obviously. That doesn't mean I'm going to tell someone to go change their book title about their abusive mother who they only escaped from via her death, who if she'd lived likely would have killed them via ED complications. With all do respect, I think you should trust even people dealing with grief can have functioning brains.
@@whydoineedagoogleplusname2870 It probably does work as a trigger warning. Also, I wish people (this is the third time) did not assume that I think people who are grieving don't have the ability to consider that there's a deeper meaning behind the title or whatever. I'm not an idiot 🤦
I think it’s because of the title and also because people have a bias when it comes to mothers being abusive.
@@sadem1045 honestly, I think anyone who has an issue with the title is extremely selfish. This is a trauma surivors way of coping and all you can think about is other peoples perception of them and their own hard time, not what is bets for the actual person? Thats pretty disgusting. Its not jenettes purpose to police her life and language to make other people feel good or to avoid offending them, infact, her entire recovery was based around trauma of that type, you ignoring that is revolting and selfish
We as a society need to stop the “but she’s your mom” narrative. As some one with a toxic, verbally abusive mother, cutting her out of my life was the best gift I’ve ever given myself. I can relate to this title and I hope it helps people understand it’s okay to not love someone who abuses you, even if it’s a parent (ESPECIALLY if it’s a parent.) If this book helps that I’m all for it.
Children don’t owe their parents anything. You made the choice to bring them into the world, it’s your responsibility, you can’t hold that against the child. They were forced into this, the least we can do is make it good for them
@@splicerbabe agree 100
I agree!! I’m obsessed with a tweet someone wrote that said something like “Forget therapy: I need to fight my dad” 💀 I felt THAT on a personal level and love it- I admit I DO need therapy but I’d also like to throw hands cuz he was awful. 🙂
Completely agree. Nowadays, I feel like the only reasons for why I keep visiting my mom are my brothers and the fact that she pays for my university etc.
I also knew someone who had an abusive mom (who's also been a drug addict who wouldn't admit that she has a problem, in addition to that) and lived with their grandma. One day, when we were in middle school, she seemed to be in a pretty good mood. When we were alone for a moment, she excitedly said "I need to tell you something, but please don't tell anyone... my mom died" and I don't think I've ever seen anyone as happy about the death of someone
I have toxic relatives, one in particular I have low contact with. One of the reasons I finally moved out of my mom's house for good is because she's toxic and abusive.
The alcohol thing is especially gross in light of Avan Jogia's (Beck's) admission that his drinking was so bad that he barely remembers filming "Victorious."
Yeah that is gross plus they were all under 21 I think so it wasn’t even legal for them to drink.
I always thought that the characters looked a little sloshed.
I feel so bad for every young actor that had to work with that creep
People need to normalize that mom’s and women can be JUST as toxic as men. I know more people with “daddy issues” and no one bats an eye they have a bad relationship with their father but if it’s your mother everyone shames you.
Amen. „But she’s your mom.“ „You probably weren’t the easiest kid.“ „She did all she could“ BLA BLA BLA. Fact is you got used and abused by the person that was supposed to love you the most. If somebody is rude to you on a bus, everybody would totally understand that you get off at the next stop ✋🏼 but when your mom is treating you like a peace of shit your supposed to suffer?
absolutely -- also i hate the phrase "daddy issues" because it feels like it's always used to place the blame on the victim
Yes. There’s no word like that for abusive moms and saying mommy issues seem to only apply to boys but not catered for girls to use it ever as if girls are supposed to relate with their mothers automatically because of same sex.
Yes my dad was the best father I could have hoped for, but my mother was very toxic. She bullied him as much as she did us kids
There are complicated relationships, and there is plain abusive regular behaviour that is just abuse. And difficult, is not abuse ( beside there aways reasons miscommunications, just to make clear, abuse is just abuse not differences. )
A lot of things in this book came full circle, but the biggest one of all is the book itself. Her mother didn't want her to be a writer, but now she wrote a book about her mother.
Yep it totally came full circle
Anther layer of irony is that the only times her mother allowed Jennette to write something (poems) if it was about her.
she didn't really write a book about her mother, if you think about it. she wrote a book about herself. it just happens that some of that was what her mom forced her to endure
Can we also acknowledge how the cover design is chef’s kiss. It’s giving 80s/90s Beverly Cleary or Babysitter’s Club.
Also I love the that the urn is pink, her mother's favorite color that she had to pretend to like. So the urn not only symbolizes her mother's death but also the death of the "fake Jeanette" that had to pretend in order to please her mother.
I noticed it but you worded it so well
its giving me dolly parton's Jolene album vibes
YES. I love the cover so much almost old cookbook vibes but not quite you described it better
@@tallgrl94 *THE POETRY!* *the poetry* of this comment/observation >>>top tier
I saw that her book sold out everywhere. I’ve seen a lot of praise and good reviews, I’m glad this book is being well received.
Me too!
Hopefully it’ll be restocked once I’m through the 10+ books on my to read shelf!
The hold is currently “several months” on my Libby app. I guess I’ll just have to buy it. :)
Ya I work at a bookstore and it’s all gone lol
I’ve been to 4 bookstores and they are all sold out. So happy for her.
You hear so much about young female co-stars who were pitted against each other by the production or the crew, or just didn't get along (which is absolutely normal). And to hear how Jeannette and Miranda stood by each other and supported each other is such a breath of fresh air and glad they at least had that.
I do actually believe that they might’ve been pitting them against each other to keep them from sharing the experience of creepy incidents and further preventing them from realizing that this is not a personal issue there is something terribly wrong going on then that might’ve made them side together and take action or the least speaking up which obviously does not serve the sick purposes of the creator. However, this is just a theory because if they signed NDAs or their contracts force them to refrain from taking action which is most probably if not completely the case my theory is totally blown off.
Bella and Zendaya said something similar happened to them on the set of Shake It Up. Then after season 1 they talked it out and became friends.
@@zenasyear3773 Jeannette said in the book that she was offered $300,000 to not talk about her experiences at Nickelodeon, but she refused.
Ariana Grande treated her horribly.
@@lordfreerealestate8302Jeanette has never said that she has said she and Ariana were very different people in very different points in life and because she was in such a bad place and Ariana was in such a good place with way less struggle it made her resent her she has never said Ariana was horrible to her she’s just made it clear they did not match
When I first learned about homosexuality as a concept, my reaction was “Oh, so it’s like God’s version of population control!” And my Catholic parents and their friends were like “NOO!!!” (I was 8)
BAHAHAHAHA that's hilarious!
(And I agree with you on that)
You know...that seems like the best answer to people who use the Bible to hate on gays.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 OMG same!!!
LOL
That's not even Catholic, legit biologists and researchers think this is the case
People blamed me as a teen for my bad relationship with my mom. Because “young girls always hate their moms” and “teens are nasty to their moms”. My mom was never as bad as Jeannette’s, and we are ok now. But holy cow, I was a CHILD, and therefore a VICTIM. I don’t care if I handled some stuff badly, I was still growing my brain and needed a safe space to do it and that wasn’t given to me.
I had a very similar experience. Society reveres parents and protects them at all costs. It's always assumed the child is in the wrong.
It's the typical reverence to elders simply because they were born first and not because they deserve it. It serves primarily to give abusers more power to abuse, and has no benefits to any non-abusers.
Oh my God the same thing happened to me it was like I was at fault in everything with my mom
My dad's response when I told him how I felt about the way my mom treated me growing up "Well, you weren't exactly nice to her, either" 😳 Ya'll were emotionally abusive to me, and I was a cranky and nasty child...but it's BOTH our fault, hm?
Criticizing someone who's not around to defend themselves can make some people uncomfortable. But sometimes that's the only time you ARE allowed to criticize them. Life is for the living, and the living need permission to heal. And healing often starts with acknowledging that you've been hurt.
LIFE IS FOR THE LIVING 🙌🙌🙌
@Nechrotica haha embracing it, but I can now see how that could be misinterpreted 😂
Insecure people like that recognize their own flaws and are just afraid that people hold THEM responsible for THEIR behaviors as well. It's not a good thing. It's unhealthy to have that mindset.
I have nothing against criticizing people. The only thing I have a problem with is wishing death upon someone. But I don't see anything wrong with criticizing them. I have this illogical fear of the dead witnessing everything I do though 😂😂 But nobody's come back from the dead to wack me over the head for the things I've said
@@joltyflare I think your logic is very stupid. Don't tell me you will seriously look at a victim of SH and go "but you can't wish death to them they're still human 😢😢". Don't tell me you will go look into the eyes of a child who parents have been murdered that they cannot wish bad stuff to happen to the murder. If you're not gonna do that than survivors of abuse should be the same. Not everyone deserves to be feel bad for, specially those who hurt other for they own selfish need.
On the title: so many people who had good parents growing up don't get this. When you have an abusive parent, you're always waiting for the other shoe to drop in some form. It could be throwing you out, attacking you, finding out where you are, (in this case) forcing you to do things you don't want to for their benefit. There are hundreds of reasons. And that parent being permanently gone in some fashion can be a huge relief because you are no longer waiting for that other shoe to drop. You don't have to constantly think "what are they going to do to me this time?"
That or they’re also a shitty parent and would rather defend other shitty parents than address their own shitty behavior.
I have very loving parents but they also can be neglegent and a little emotionally abusive.. but I only now starting to realise that
exactly - very true
@@0912sooli I think a lot of people can relate to some of this, even with good parents. I don't know what you're going through, but I hope things work out for you.
@@0912sooli If they are emotionally abusive and neglectful, even if it’s a little bit, they aren’t loving parents. Loving parents would NEVER harm their kids in any way. I hope you become more open to that thought.
It's really chilling how she uses rip and peel about how she has to carefully peel the wrapping paper instead of ripping for her mother... then her mother rips her clothes off instead of peeling. It's all about Mom.
I noticed that, too! It's horrifying, but it was incredibly powerful writing.
Exactly, she always had to tiptoe and adjust for her mom, and her mom not only never gave the same consideration but also took and hurt
As a psychologist, I hear many people discuss feeling immense amounts of guilt about being relieved/happy after the death of a family member. Whether that is due to an agonizing passing or, in Jenette's case, an abusive person that will no longer be able to hurt them, there is often overwhelming shame about not grieving "correctly". I think her book, and the sensationalized title, can hopefully provide solace for other people who are glad their family died. We, as a society, need to reevaluate the bonds we hold sacred.
R'amen! I've had issues with my parents that have popped up the past few years (one in the ground, the other in a no contact basis for some reason). I hate the whole idea of having to make peace with someone like mom because "she's the only mom you've got." One time after she got pissed at me and I asked advice, I had 2 or 3 people say that. I finally snapped and said "I'm the only daughter SHE has, too. Why is it always up to me to be the bigger person?" Nobody gave me an answer. I'm guessing even at a subconscious level, the whole "Honor thy father and thy mother" thing runs deep and it takes serious thinking to counter it. It's just hard sometimes living with someone who can never be wrong and won't listen to you unless they think you agree with them, and when you don't you're not worth speaking to. It's tiring and makes you apathetic after a while.
It did for me! ❤ I am grateful because my dad is dying and it really made me feel strong enough to ask my therapist if it’s ok I will be relieved when he dies. I’m so glad i was given that push to admit it out loud. I was scared it would mean I was a psychopath or something n she’d abandon me. Idk I know it’s irrational but that’s why I am in therapy to heal.
"You should be so saaad they died. They were still your mother/father/sister/brother"
No. If a close family member was also a violent pedo/rapist/murderer/bully then you're goddamn right I'm going to be flushing their cremated ashes down a toilet.
Good riddance.
I talked a few months ago to my psychologist about this sort of thing, I told him that I felt some shadenfreude after learning that my father's life was falling apart, that he lost his job, girlfriend and house and has been institutionalized, and that feeling that way made me feel terrible, even though this man managed to make me disensibilized to the concept of blood family as a whole I still somehow felt terrible for being glad his life was burning down as he rightfully deserves.
I truly hate how emotions can't be simple sometimes
It happened to me when my grandmother died after years of dementia. I didn't feel much because I had already grieved her loss when she was alive and didn't recognize me or her own children.
"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better." Anne Lamott
Yep 💯
🔥🔥🔥
"YOU caused my cancer to come back. I hope you're happy knowing this. YOU have to live with this fact. YOU gave me cancer."
This is an absolutely evil thing to say and her mother was a disgusting individual. I watched this video a week ago and these exact words flash into my head almost every day because they are that genuinely haunting. If it affected me that much, I couldn't even begin to describe how it must have felt reading those words as Jeanette. That woman has nothing but my utmost respect and I wish her nothing but peace.
My mother blamed me for her tumor, narcissists need to someone to scapegoat for everything.
Mine blamed me for her heart issues.
I subscribed when she said “I’m glad her mom died too” that’s EXACTLY how I felt reading the book and I’m glad we’re being honest here
Also “trigger warning: Dan Schneider” took me OUT
THANK YOU! yes, if i'm one thing on this channel, it's honest & up front! lol
@@SAVYWRITESBOOKS that’s why we love you Savy!
So was I.
I just remembered my grandpa once pointed out how skinny Jennette McCurdy looked while we were watching ¡Carly and he said he felt for the actors because they were probably suffering and starving themselves to keep their roles all while growing up. Being a naive and young child I brushed his comments off as being "hate" or even "jealousy" (I know, quite a dumb thought) but almost a decade later I realized that he was only coming from a place of concern, and while he could have used better wording, he was absolutely right.
I'm glad that Jennette was able to make it through it all and publish this amazing memoir. She is truly an admirable person for choosing to grow as a person and come out stronger at the end of it!!!
yeah, i remember watching icarly and thinking "wow sam eats a LOT" (on screen) "but she is so thin," meanwhile i was starting to struggle with EDs myself at the time
I think his wording was fine. How would you have said it?
@@sadem1045 I forgot to mention he used a slightly harsher tone than I may have made it seem like in my comment, and he only speaks Spanish, so it may come across differently in English. It's also been so long that my brain may have distorted things but that's how I remember it based on the impression I originally had, but he nonetheless was always well intentioned. My apologies if it wasn't made clear.
@@OdeToAphrodite I see now thank you for clarifying.
I didn't watch Nickelodeon growing up (we didn't have the TV service Sky, which you need to access that channel in the UK) and when I first saw iCarly via Quinton Reviews, I was kind of shocked at how thin Sam looked. Then I found out about the ED and it kind of fell into place.
I recommend listening to the audiobook. Jennette McCurdy reads it herself, and she's pretty amazing.
Is it only available on Audible?
i want to listen to the audiobook as well
I'm so grateful she read it herself! I was really moved by it. I've already started listening to it again
Ooh gonna have to check that out!
Noted...properly notes
tw: suicide mention
I'm glad my father died. He was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive, to the point where the only feeling I can remember about my childhood is a constant overwhelming fear. Later on in life when my brother and I were finally able to leave, it all fell on my mom; he took his rage out on her, cheated on her, used both of their incomes to fund his cocaine addiction... when we got the news he took his own life, it was like I broke in two. I hated him and what he did to me and the rest of my family, but what I hated most of all was that despite us all begging him to stop and to look after his own deteriorating mental health, he chose to ignore it, claim he never, ever did anything wrong in his life, until it became too much for him.
I'm glad he's dead, but I'll always mourn the man he could have been had he chosen to seek help and not take his pain out on his family. The father I could have had, and never will. I will always stand in people like Jeanettes corner; she deserved so much better and no one can ever tell her she's wrong for feeling the way she does about the people who abused her. Kudos on her for putting the truth out there and saying what needed to be said, I wish her only the best for the future.
My father is currently dying and you’ve put into words my exact feelings
I'm sorry if this hurts, but I am also sorry your Mother didn't protect you both.
I appreciate that you acknowledge that you can’t mourn your father for the abusive person that he was, but you can still mourn him for the person he could have been. I think that’s a very mature way of looking at the conflicting emotions that can occur in a situation like this.
@Kell Harris
We don’t really know what kind of situation the mother was in. She was also a victim of abuse, not a bystander and this makes it harder for her to try to change things.
my father is not abusive, but i do relate to that, mourning the man he could have been. he used up all of his side of the family's money, money saved for my college, and some of my mom's money to fuel his heroin addiction. luckily they divorced when i was very young, so i have an alright relationship with him since he is on his best behavior whenever i visit. but, he refuses to believe he has any mental issues, blames it all on alcoholism. he used to be artistic and had a good job but he is such a mess now, even when he's clean. when i am an adult, i will not throw my money into that black hole, no matter how much he needs it
What people don't understand is that when she says "I'm glad my mom died" doesn't mean she did a hysterical evil laughter when her mom died, or was plotting it like a villain. When it happened, she mourned and cried, and got depressed for months. But at the end, she realized that it was necessary for her to heal and be free.
P.S. I love how the calls Dan Schneider "The Creator"
PS. 2 I wonder if it was Ariana Grande who opposed to Jennette directing an episode of Sam & Cat
To your last point, I got the feeling that it was her mom who did that. Her mom only wanted her to act and didn’t support her in other ways
Her mom died.
She is finally free.
I'm really troubled specifically because it was mentioned this person was so powerful that the producers couldn't afford letting them leave when they threatened to walk. I REALLY don't think it was Schneider because he's...the creator. He could just say no and quietly remove her name from the director plate. He made everything, he doesn't HAVE to threaten to walk. Ariana was on set so infrequently during rehearsals and it's clear she had other priorities, I don't understand why she'd be opposed to Jennette directing an episode. Her mother has no power over the producers if she threatens to "walk" lol.
I think it must have been Ariana :/
Harriyanna Hook’s video “it’s time to talk about the racism in Dan Schneider’s shows” gives another disgusting view of dan’s directing, including the character Sam
fantastic! i love harriyanna's videos. i'll check it out!
I’m gonna push back a little - mothers like that ABSOLUTELY know what their kids hate. They get off on pushing that proverbial button.
Great review btw - I was really impressed by the writing, too.
that's entirely possible -- that her mom was trying to exert control
This is not on the same scale but I hate Knick knacks and I have told my mom so many times since I was a teenager but yet every Xmas I would get porcelain dolls because she wanted my room to be really girly. Even now…Always get ceramic dogs and Irish china..but if I don’t put it out in my house I get the biggest guilt trip
I thought the same thing about the birthday present and the ice cream. I think her mom wanted nutty coconut so she manipulated her daughter into getting what she wants
@@ViridianKomorebi i feel like it's the same way with my mom. I work remote and she keeps encouraging me to get an office job because SHE resented being a housewife and would've liked to be in an office. Like... there's no commute, I don't have to wear a bra and I still get to live comfortably. I don't see the downside.
I also moved to a smaller, less developed state (my mom lives in the heart of the big city) and she keeps sending cheap listings of homes in her area "so I could move to the big city again". I obviously moved here for a reason, I like how there's so many heritage buildings here, the beach is part of my morning walk, it's less claustrophobic and people aren't always rushing like the big city. And her sending these listings is her lovebombing me, she just genuinely cannot fathom that I don't want the same things, the same convenience she enjoys.
Then again, she does also know what I want because that's exactly what she witholds from me until i "perform" for her. And if she realizes I'm slipping away she gives me exactly that. For my wants to be considered, for me to actually take up space in the home and normal conversations about fun stuff. So idk, maybe it's a mix of both? They know what we want, but it's "wrong" (because nothing they like can possibly be wrong) so they're just doing what's best for us. We'll surely see their way and thank them later, right?
I love living here and would've moved anyway. But being far from her is a nice icing on the cake.
People say many of the same things to me that they are currently blasting Jeanette with when I say that the best thing my mom ever did for me was die when she did. "Well I would give ANYTHING if my mom was here. You are so nasty and ungrateful." Is it really that hard to believe that we didnt all have a mom who tucked us in at night? These people do know that abuse exists, don't they? I lost my wonderful daddy very suddenly ten years ago while I was 7mo pregnant. He missed getting to ever hold any of his grandchildren by only a couple months. So, I mean...I get grief. But the loving, tender, gentle, exppressive human my dad was simply isn't a requirement for raising kids--and even the requirements we DO have are rarely enforced.
Let me explain my mom to you--just a couple highlights, CW/TW for The Very Worst™️. My mom was extremely emotionally abusive in ways I am still unpacking in my mid-40s after YEARS in therapy. She was blatantly physically abusive, once beating me severely when a friend told the school that my mom was beating me and the school called her to tell them she should have a chat with me before it caused trouble for her (irony). Right as puberty was hitting, my mom not only allowed me to be sexually assaulted, she monetized it. When I couldn't take what she and her friends had set up, I asked her if we could please just leave and move back to the old house we still owned. My mom looked at me with shock and betrayal all over her face, then responded with, "Do you really want to be _POOR_ again? I have a brand new car for the first time in my life."
I do realize everything I'm saying sounds like the script some hack writer lazily threw together for a bad, shock value, made-for-TV movie across one caffeine and coke fueled week. I rarely talk about my childhood for this very reason, but this is something important enough to me that I want to take on the people who are going to call me a liar--giving my background will hopefully add some ethos to the rest of what I need to say.
My ONLY regret about cutting my mom out of my life is that I didn't do it far sooner. Over and over people told me I needed to go easy her because she was my mom, that I would understand better when I was older, that I would empathize SO MUCH with my mom better when I became a mom myself. (This made me want to never be a mom or be around children for many years, FYI.) It was really obvious that my being so adamant that I did not want her in my life made other people uncomfortable--to "put up" with our "bothersome" and "problematic" family members is SO ingrained in our culture--when we shun that trend it vvvvcan be jarring for a lot of people. It makes them extremely uncomfortable when this particular social contact gets called on the carpet--which from where I sit, seems to be an ever-increasing topic. Many people want to cling tightly to the narrative that the bonds of family of origin being the biggest thing in our lives.
But here is the thing I have learned about life: *some things simply aren't forgivable*. It comes down to believing in your soul that you and your chill are worth whatever boundaries or disconnections you need or want to make. In very many situatuons, it may well be that you owe literally nothing to someone who abused you--not even a chance to apologize.
I realized one day that even though I was away from her and had been for years, even in our incidental contact via other family members, I couldn't remember the last time my mom said anything that made me feel good about myself, or better about anything in my life. I wasn't afraid to excise her, I was simply young and unsure that I was within my moral rights when the world was giving me so many messages that I had to placate for peace. So I entirely dipped out of that relationship in my mid-20s, only seeing her two or three times when family members died, really. My mother REQUIRED control over me similar to how Jeanette's mom did, and when my mom couldn't get me to do what she wanted, she put me on the crest between evil and non-existent. Since my very early 20s, most of her friends and coworkers thought she only had a son, my brother whom she was far far far less abusive to (this is pretty common in abusive families). He defends her now at 40yo, claiming I've always been too bitchy about it and he doesn't want to be in the middle.
When she realized that she truly had no more way to puppetmaster the Maternal Marionette dance she adored so much, my mother wrote a letter about what an evil, terrible, horrible, ungrateful daughter I was and all the ways I had wronged/failed her. She had a list of all the ways I had betrayed her, made things worse for her by being born, how I had ruined her entire life. My mom then loaded a .45, tried to kill my parrot from childhood (thankfully she was too drunk to hit Holly--I'd been working on getting her back from my mom for 15yrs, and ultimately did), took a shower, laid on the bed, and then shot herself. This was four months to the day before my wedding--the fact that she wasn't invited was one of her problems with me.
For DECADES everyone gave me reasons I couldn't cut my mom out. Reasons why I needed to just deal with my family--a family I had no agency in choosing, it was pre-selected for me by birth and I very obviously did not benefit from having them. But for YEARS everyone jumped to defend my mom and her relationship with me--and now, as an adult who has built a *phenomenal* chosen family, as someone spent their entire career as an activist and victims advocate--as a mother myself to two wonderful daughters who I have never ever wanted to harm, not once--I can't help but wonder:
Where was all that defensive energy for *ME*?
'Where was all that defensive energy for *ME*?" Wow, maybe you should write a book. Seriously.
You're strong, that's all I can say. You were strong then but you are sure as hell a fighter and a brave warrior now since you've been through that distress and that horrible cycle that sadly was your life. Your life, I hope, has only gotten better, now that she's gone. I hope for the first time, you're able to breathe and relax. Myself, I'm counting down the days I get the news my birthgiver has been buried and is in the ground, six feet under, rotting away. My entire life, up until I went no-contact, (she still tries to reach me, is desperate to have a conversation with me that she's messaging old friends. Friends of which I rarely ever talk to anymore.) I have felt as if I was a corpse already with all her hurtful comments and screaming matches. She made me feel as if I didn't belong, never made me feel loved, or important or special. She'd try to win my affection by purchasing gifts only to throw it back in my face not even a second or two later. She told me that the times I was SA'ed, I most likely "enjoyed" it. She "homeschooled" me, (aka never even schooled me. I learned everything by myself, using an old, worn down laptop.) because she never wanted me to have a life or be social or even have friends. (Those friends I mentioned earlier, yeah, a lot of those SHE ruined.) I'm in my 20's now and still scared of, well, everything because she installed that fear into ME. I could go on and on about all the horrible shit she's done... But as I said, I went no-contact and for the first time, ever since I blocked her, I can breathe. I feel alive. God forbid I feel that way, though, right? Everyone thinks I'm a bad daughter for not reaching out. For blocking her. It's what you said. "Where was all that defensive energy for ME". She puts on a good mask and only shows what she wants people to see. It's like that one quote: "Every child deserves a parent, but not every parent deserves a child." I'm glad you're still here. I'm glad that whoever read my vent (if anyone did) also is here, especially if you have a parent / someone that acts exactly like this. We're stronger than we realize. And it's going to get better.
ngl I actually cheered once I read that she shot herself
The gaslighting and crazy making are the worst part. Being told that you should like and accept horrific things being done to you is soul sucking.
This is horrible and I'm so sorry you had to go thru this. I hope one day you will be able to heal a least a little from this horrible woman's abuse.
the nutty coconut ice cream scene really sticks with me in how it set the tone. it says so much in such a small moment. the kids size scoop not just for budget reasons, but also for the calorie restriction, the flavor choice reflecting her relationship with her mom, and the big part that stood out for me (that was small in the story) was that the mom took the last bite without even thinking. idk, in my life, all the grownups always gave the last bite to the kid. it shows the mom’s self-centeredness and jennette’s parentification really clearly in that one action.
"Mom says in a way that sounds like a threat" thats such a familiar tone of voice to me, it genuinely took my breath away to read. a simple sentence, but paired with her moms words beforehand...its so many conversations from my own life. Jeannette didnt just raise her own voice and speak out, she spoke out for all of us, whether our circumstances exactly matched or not. I'm so glad she's free and I'm so glad she wrote this book. Words cant even describe...
I think it's insensitive to think that all of us should love our parents and that every single human being in this world has to keep in mind that your parents might have died recently and therefore, they should never say anything wrong about their own parents ever. It's unrealistic and so selfish.
As the daughter of two abusive parents, I hate that every time I say something bad about them, somebody jumps to their defense because they think I'm talking about *their* parents. They don't know my parents. I don't know theirs. Parents are individuals, with individual lives, and individual flaws. Not all parents are looking for the best for their kids. Not all of them are doing their best.
That's unfortunate that people jump to the defense of people they don't know, when you're exactly telling them what they were like.
In my life, I've really learned to just listen. And it's amazing the kind of experiences people actually have.
I really appreciate hearing your experience. My dad recently died and I had a great relationship with him. I would never want someone from an abusive relationship with their parent to be silenced about their experience with their parents in order to spare my feelings. Pretending everyone loves their parents and should only say good things about them cheapens my relationship with my dad and hurts people whose experiences should be validated not erased. I'm sorry about your experience, and I'm glad that you are able to share it with others. Especially if by sharing it it helps you or someone else who can benefit from the commonality. I wish you the best ❤️
absolutely! everyone's situation is different
exactly. I have a complicated relationship with my parents, but we've been able to have a better relationship over time. I know this is not possible for everyone, and it doesn't need to be a goal for everyone. I know many people who have terrible parents and to say "well that's not how I feel about my parents, so you shouldn't feel that way about yours" to them would be so insensitive and just wrong. Jenette wrote her book about HER experience, and she deserves to feel and talk about her emotions without getting judged by people who haven't even read the book.
I wholeheartedly agree. I believe that one of the most damaging and irritating aspects of American culture today is the way people make generalizations about situations or circumstances. It is a form of prejudice. People decide that "parents" or "celebrities" or "unhoused people," for example, are this or that as opposed to acknowledging that every situation or person is unique.
I LOVE this title because I'm tired of people acting like hate, anger, death, revenge-feelings, are NOT NORMAL! They ARE normal and I'm not even going to DARE to tell people that they should or shouldn't feel any way about any body. I haven't read the book and I haven't even watched your video yet but I can't help but comment at the beginning of every damn video. LOL. I'll edit later if I feel the need.
exactly!!
Thank you so much for saying this. I desperately needed this. I hate being told that my negative emotions are not okay. The emotions are not a problem, how we express those emotions can be
Even if they're "not normal", they are so valid and the people who get it, get it. The people who don't maybe never will :/
I read something about this that stuck with me once, that people dismiss feelings of anger or other 'negative' emotions but that they can actually so important to the process of healing from trauma. Reaching the point of being able to be angry towards what happened to you or the people that harmed you is an act of self-love because you recognise that what happened was wrong and you didn't deserve it.
I think one of the best aspects of the book is how honest Jennette is. She doesn’t sugarcoat what happened, her feelings, and the difficult aspects. Her feelings are complex and complicated, and it’s the way she tackles this as a writer that elevates the book from what it could be at its worst (a dishy tell all about being a Nickelodeon child star) to being what it actually is, a heartbreaking, real deep dive into her abusive upbringing and how that lead to child stardom.
I really think Jennette McCurdy has the talent to become this generation's Carrie Fisher. They are both fantastic writers, have similar backgrounds, both acted, etcetera etcetera. I really hope McCurdy keeps writing and goes back to directing because her short films are really good.
As an ex-mormon, consent is something that isn't taught. You're taught to often trust blindly without question. Even though at the same time questions are encouraged but I think only questions that lead to answers that the church approves of. I know this adds to why so many children are abused.. I think it's interesting that both play a huge role in her abuse that she received as a child. I hope this leads to more discussions about consent. Her story makes me so sick. I can relate to so many aspects of her life while at the same time having no understanding of how much pressure she was constantly under.
That and the boundary crossing questions elders ask teens and the church’s policy to refrain from involving police in abuse cases, and the victim blaming.
Depends on the ward. I have noticed things have been changing. The meto movement has made people more aware. Nowadays there is always supervision when Bishops meet anyone. So there has been some positive change.
As someone who grew up in the jehovah whiteness church I understand completely and sympathize with your comment.
Current Mormon here, I can corroborate everything, this is all 100% correct.
Spinelli from Recess, though not a Nick show, was a good example of a loud aggressive anti-bully with the heart of gold. Loved that show.
I liked her character, the " she is an Ashley too" episode reminded me a lot of how my sister suffered under gendered expectations.
I still remember the episode where she decides to draw a mural of the school on the blacktop instead of venting her anger in a less constructive way
Probably my favorite episode
That was a great show.
I still love it
Oh hells yeah--I LOVED Recess, even when I was in my 20s. I didn't care if it wasn't meant for me, you could find just about every kid you went to school with in that show at some point, and it was funny because it was like this odd, structured world of kid-dom that never would've occurred to me. Still don't know who I would've been in that show, probably a mix of Gretchen and Spinelli, actually.
I feel like the mom giving her the outfit that she hated wasn’t her mom not knowing her very well - I think it was Intentional to exert control.
I had an abusive partner in my early 20s and one of the first clues that I missed at the time but is obvious now was him giving me jewelry that was literally everything that, in a conversation we had a couple of months earlier, I had said I did NOT like in jewelry - yellow gold, pearls, diamonds (or Diamond looking things) and stud earrings. He had them custom-made for me. It wasn’t an accident, it was a control move, testing my compliance in wearing them the majority of the time even though they were everything he knew I didn’t like and didn’t want.
you might be right!
This comment hits home with me. I told my ex I never wanted a ring and didn't wear any normally. So he asked a family member to pick out the engagement ring. I would have never picked that one myself, if I had to pick a ring. When we got married, I picked my wedding band and specifically told him I'd wear the engagement ring on special occasions only. So then he started complaining that I would never wear the engagement ring and ask questions such as if I even liked it. I knew it was controlling and manipulative, but your comment made me realize it on a deeper level. Sometimes it's these seemingly little things that can go unnoticed for so long that, when you have more objective lens, help you see how deep the attempts at control can go.
This type of gift giving is actually really common in abusive relationships. Because when you complain they can play the victim.
True. My dad this to my mom w/ gifts…also she learned not to grow attached to them because he would break it later to hurt her
This comment makes me feel a lot better about breaking off a friendship. One of the main reasons I ended the friendship is, she kept wanting to do the one thing I said I didn't want to do. It was small things like, I mentioned in passing that I didn't like a certain restaurant and I would never eat there again, and, somehow, about a week later, we were out shopping and she wanted to get lunch, and the only restaurant that could accommodate her diet was the one I didn't like. None of these things were terrible and she always apologized, but I just got tried of "I'm so sorry. I know you don't want to do this, but..." I felt kind of bad for breaking off the friendship because everyone else sees her as a nice person, and none of these incidents alone seemed like a good reason to terminate the friendship, but it happened ALL THE TIME, and something just felt weird and wrong to me. But "testing my compliance" describes EXACTLY what I was feeling. How could the ONE thing I happened to mention that I didn't like, or didn't want to do, repeatedly turn out to be the ONLY thing that worked for her in some future situation? I feel like she saw my compliance as proof that I liked her, and she continually needed proof because she was insecure. I'm not sure if that rises to the level of abuse, but all I can say is, I really didn't like it.
Incidentally, this friend had an abusive ex that she talked about a lot, but I had a hard time following her logic when she told stories about him. Now, I'm wondering if it was DARVO.
My 14 yo daughter has OCD that was diagnosed when she was 9. It broke my heart to hear that conversation between Janette’s mom and her grandfather. Getting a diagnosis early is so huge... children especially have a really hard time distinguishing between the OCD “voice” and their own internal voice. The sooner they learn to be able to recognize that their intrusive thoughts are not their true thoughts, the better. OCD is a scary illness and for children it’s even more so. It’s always sad to see parents try to pretend like there’s nothing wrong with their kids. It is painful.... but think about how much pain your child is in! Poor Jannette. 😔
YES!! i wish i could've identified & got help for my OCD earlier. my family was kind and attentive but i don't think i was that open with my tics, other than my eyes twitching
@@SAVYWRITESBOOKS I know it can be really hard to see signs depending on how the OCD manifests itself! Some kids are really good at masking too. A big part of my daughter’s rituals were reassurance seeking from me... and her intrusive thoughts that she needed reassurance about were things like her being afraid she would accidentally stab me or someone else. So as a parent it definitely stood out as something outset the realm of “normal.” But I can remember going through stages of grief as a parent trying to navigate what I was seeing in her... before saying “ok... she really needs professional help for this.” It’s really hard to grapple with so I completely understand why it typically takes a long time to diagnose OCD. I think what struck me so hard about Jannette’s case is that her grandfather recognized it. And was like “hey... she’s suffering. She needs help” and her mom chose to ignore it. In her case I would consider that neglect 😣 anyway I’m so glad you did get the help you needed!! And I’m so glad I have creators like you to watch who can identify with this stuff and talk about it 🙏🏻❤️
Edit to say, the fact that the grandfather recognized it in the first place leads me to believe that he has had some experience with it at some point. Either with himself or with someone he knows. Because if you’re not familiar with OCD it’s kind of hard to recognize. The media doesn’t do a good job of portraying true OCD. And it’s genetic... so it’s like he just knew. It kills me!
Yes! No wonder she thought it was the voice of God and was confused why what the voice said was a bad thing. Her mental well-being was ignored so thinking it was God would make sense.
Yeah the worry/fear/stress of OCD is awful to endure.
Hello! Former OCD kid here. Support and validation, along with understanding, is GIANT. So many people fundamentally misunderstand little things about it that can make all the difference-- things like not knowing what's "you" and what's "OCD". It can be terrifying.
This book has helped me really realize how thankful I am to have such an understanding, fantastic mother. She knows how kids operate, having a Masters in Social Work. She never manipulated me, she never forced me to do anything I didn’t want to do as a child - even tho she always encouraged me to try things first, and she truly loves me _unconditionally._
But for this very reason, having the exact opposite of a parent like Jeanette had, I understand. Every single friend I’ve had has come from a troubled home (emotionally/physically abusive, strictly religious, etc.), and my mom has essentially adopted them all. She comforts them, she affirms their feelings, she kissed them on the head before she went to bed whenever they spent the night. My home was (and is) an escape for them. Her unrelenting kindness has even helped some of them cope with the fact that what their parents put them through isn’t okay. She’s still a counselor at our local high school. Whenever I encounter one of her “kids” out in the wild, they always gush about how much they love my mom. I share the sentiment.
All kids deserve a parent, but not all parents deserve a kid. My mom is a shining example of a parent who _does_ deserve a kid.
It’s sweet that you can articulate why and how you love your mother so well, and how you’re happy with your mother extending the same sort of care towards other children!
But seriously, having a mom that is also a counselor sounds so great.
You phrased it absolutely perfectly. Children deserve to grow up with someone that loves and cares for them, but not everyone can provide that for a child. And, unfortunately, there is overlap between those who can't (or don't, or won't) be good parents and those who have children.
Situations like this are why I’m glad a lot of modern media praises the idea of found families. Genetic bonds aren’t worth anything if it’s an abusive relationship.
To those who criticize the title: not everything is about you. Its Jennette's life, Jennette's feelings, Jennette's experiences, and she is fully allowed to express that in any way she wants
It upsets me that people found her title triggering. Even before her book came out she voiced how her mom influenced her ED. Even without that context it sounds tone deaf of those who think because they have a good relationship with their parents that everyone else does. I have abusive family members that I can't fucking wait for them to kick it and if you know why you'd agree. Does that mean I think everyones parents suck no, I wish I had the nice parents these people do, but life is more nuanced than your personal perspective.
People reacting to the title like it’s a slight against them really bugs me. When I see the title all I think is that her mom must have been so awful to her for her to have those kinds of feelings. I have not been abused by family but still know that not every parent deserves the love of their children, especially if they are abusive.
I mean, how much blow back is she getting? It sold out and the media is raving about it. It’s hardly hot take to like the title. I think any initial negative reaction was because ppl thought she chose the title for pure shock value. It’s also always pretty telling when ppl start slagging off ppl who are 2 dead to defend themselves… not saying she is lying, but the idea of someone writing a tell all book about me after I’m 2 dead to refute any of it… that’s pretty horrifying. Although I guess i would be dead. So whatever. 😂
@@kmhkennedy Not saying it’s a hot take to like the title. I saw a little bit of backlash for it and it personally irritated me, and I am just expressing that
@@thisisthewaterandthisisthe3254 whoops! Sorry, I didn’t mean to come across so derogatory towards to your feelings and opinions (I’m not being sarcastic)
I guess I feel the same way as you do about people feeling personally slighted except I feel that way about people defending the title. Personally I think the title is hilarious, but I also dislike the invasion of privacy that comes with people writing books about people who aren’t around to defend themselves. I’ve heard and bought into to many one sided stories in my life to appreciate it in book form. I always like to get the other side of any accusation and I am sus when that’s not possible. That has very little to do with your comment though, and I shouldn’t have made my opinion your problem. That’s also more about the content of the book than the title.
Seriously though, she basically weaponized her mothers reaction to her own cancer against her. I haven’t read the book, but it’s interesting to me that people seem to be applauding that? I can really sympathize with idea behind the title because I’ve always said I was happy when my step dad died, he was abusive and it was a massive relief when he died. I laughed when I found out he died, but he helped a lot of people that weren’t me and my hatred of him doesn’t make that any less true you know? I wouldn’t have written a book called ‘I’m glad my stepdad died’ because I know it would hurt a lot of people and I wouldn’t ever want to do that. So i think the minority of people who aren’t calling her brave and honest and are reacting negatively are doing so for nuanced reasons all of their own. I only bring it up so that maybe you can be less bugged by the reactions.
On a side note I can’t find any backlash to the title online, the only person saying she has to defend the title is the author herself and there are no links in articles to people saying it’s inappropriate. I took a look around Reddit but it’s just universal praise. I can’t find a single person who has a negative perception of the title. Not saying they don’t exists, just saying they are damn hard to find. It all seems to stem from a quote from the author saying opinions are divided, but again, no articles quote or link to those divided opinions. Okay… I even looked on Amazon and there isn’t a single one or even two star review… I mean I don’t even have a problem with the title, I think it’s funny. So we can’t even use me as reference. I might have a problem with the content of the book but I’ve not read it so I don’t really have a leg to stand on. The damn thing is $17 and I don’t like biographies, particularly celebrity biographies as they have such an inbuilt motivation to self promote. There doesn’t seem to be a celebrity out there whose life wasn’t worse than your average genocide survivor.
Sorry this is so long, I got waaaay to into it. 😅
I hope I didn’t fall into sounding dismissive or derogatory towards yourself again. Managing tone in a comment section is always a challenge. Extra tragic that I apparently suck at it so much because I’m a writer. 😂 I mainly replied to your comment the first time because you sounded nice and reasonable, so I really didn’t mean to attack you personally. I’m more talking in the larger context of the subject, not really about your specific views. Which are nice views that do you credit :)
@@kmhkennedy hey no worries! I think I can see where you’re coming from and it’s a valid perspective
i think the true love sentence could also be read the other way. Jeanette is literally doing anything she can, saying whatever she needs, thinking about every little thing from the angle of what would make her mom happy. All the lies she tells her mom knowing the truth would crush her. Children love their parents so much, they really would do anything no matter how awful the parent is. It's a strange unconditional devotion to their parents happiness. That is true love.
yeah that is definitely another way to read it -- the sentence having multiple interpretations that all fit together is another part of what makes the writing so great
Oh ye you are right, its probably about how she would like her younger self to know her mom wont return her love, or care, or even listening.
Its great, if vry sad that its about her real life
I had no idea that she was raised mormon. It makes so much sense though. I think it's important to realize that mormons believe in a pre existence where your soul consciously picks your family, with some element of you knowing how things will be before they happen. When you grow up in a good family it's a sweet "we picked each other" kind of thought. But it's an incredibly powerful way for abusers to push responsibility off onto their victims.
the part about her realizing the abuse she went through hit so hard. While I honestly had a good overall childhood, there were absolutely aspects of emotional and verbal abuse that happened to me repeatedly. My parents had good intentions, they sincerely love me and we have since talked thoroughly and worked on so many of these problems, but coming to the realization that I did NOT have this perfect family I thought I did was agonizing. It was even more difficult to navigate the "all of nothing" thinking me and a lot of society tends to place on extremely complicated situations like trauma. My parents can be both things: the cause of past abuse, and loving parents. Good and bad.
Now please don't get me wrong I'm absolutely NOT saying this is the case with Jeanette, especially not with everything in the book. God no. Absolutely not. I just wanted to share my own experience with coming to such a world shattering conclusion as someone who had similar childhood perfectionist problems and a mom I felt I needed to constantly impress and be perfect for and who also live through me.
Same. Especially since my mother did the same emotional manipulation
I had to hit pause at the "you caused my cancer to come back" part because that hit WAY too close to home. My best friend, a girl I've basically adopted as my sister had such a similar situation it made me pause, except with her Grandma. My friend had wanted so BADLY to get away from her manipulative family (with both a cancerous grandma and mom) that when she did, and her mom died, her Grandma actually sent her a letter saying "Your mother died of a broken heart, and you're the one who broke her heart when you moved away from us" To this day her Grandma is STILL trying to figure out where my friend lives now and get in contact with her. She even held my friend's part of her inheritence from her mother against her, saying instead of just meeting up somewhere to get it, she HAD to have my friend's address and mail it. Needless to say my friend said she didn't want anything from her mom's will if it meant having to even face the monster called her grandma.
i really relate to how you don’t know when you’re in an abusive household, you always think someone has it worse than you so you think you need to be grateful for the abuse you’re enduring, i had regular death wishes made against me by my parents but i wasn’t hit so i never thought it could be abuse, luckily i made friends later in life that helped me figure out what was really happening
Oh man I get what you mean. I don't know if I repressed my memories of abuse because they were just that bad (can't remember so...) or because I just couldn't handle the cognitive dissonance of telling myself "I'm not being abused, this is how everyone has always been raised" and then feeling the hopelessness and helplessness that my dad put me though every waking hour. Or maybe I just wouldn't face the pure black self hatred that came from not fighting back
But I didn't realize I was being abused until I was 17 despite being beaten by him frequently since I was a toddler. I only realized because my mom divorced him and took us away. He said he loved us so often but then he did that- who could blame me for not knowing that he crossed a line every time he hit us? How was I to know there was a line to begin with?
Just today: I wrote an exam at 9 and then went home to study for 4 more hours. Chill relaxed studying, but I was pretty exhausted just by the end of the exam and still had more to do. But then I looked at the house, how dirty it was, and felt a jolt because all of a sudden I was scared I'd get beaten if I didn't clean it before my mom got home. No logical reason for that time. I started getting anxious about the fact that I was relaxed earlier because not working with urgency must've been what put me in a situation that could get me beaten right? I had to remind myself that dad's not around. It's been 4 years and I have moments like that now and again. A part of me still says that I was never abused, that I'm just a bad daughter
@@andynonymous6769 I relate to this.
Thankfully, no one ever struck me. But my stepdad was always angry at mum and me. Among various other complaints, the house was never clean enough, and it was because I was lazy and because mum was too busy "hand holding" me (she was severely depressed). He would fly in from another province in the middle of the night, she would drive to pick him up, and when they came home he would tour the house (drunk) and yell. I always pretended to be asleep, but really I had been carefully watching the clock and trying to get several weeks' worth of chores done in four hours. Years ago, of course. But a little while ago, my partner was working afternoons and I had promised to get the dishes done. He gets home around 2am while on afternoons. I remember looking at the clock and my entire body seizing up as I realized I had procrastinated until 12:30 and the dishes still weren't done. I remember shaking with anxiety, and triple-checking that all the lights were off before I went to bed, so he wouldn't suspect I had stayed up so late to get them done. Never mind that my partner is a wonderful human being, who might have been a little disappointed in me but ultimately would have preferred that I get a good night's sleep instead.
I was never sexually abused. I was never beaten. But I cried so bitterly back then, and it still affects me today. For me, it's been a little more than 10 years since he's been out of our life. I sincerely hope that you have a strength I can't seem to find, and can forget.
mee lmao. my parents were terribly abusive in childhood, including physical harm (the hitting sort of stopped after i became a teen and i guess they saw that i sort of developed more as my own person). it became emotional abuse after that. being called a clown by my own father (the insult has more of an effect in my native language lmao), yelled at, told that my mother would be glad when i died, that id go homeless, that i was useless because i was doing badly at school etc... it's resulted in pretty bad anxiety since i was around 12-13 and lately possibly an ed. among other things of course.
however i always felt like calling my situation abusive was too much. it wasn't REALLY abuse, my parents still fed me and clearly cared about me! all the punishments were just for my own good and out of love! plus they'd stopped hitting me and making me cry until i was nauseous!
when i tell other ppl about the things my family said and did (and says and does) they look at me like im crazy. like they genuinely can't imagine someone would be so terrible. i thought i was exaggerating things and victimizing myself for years and years because that's what my mom told me i was doing. i would literally gaslight myself into believing i wasnt mentally ill despite showing clear signs of mental illness because i thought i was being dramatic to excuse my wrongdoings lmao
i still struggle every day with anxiety. constant pain. i cant tell which pain is real and which is caused by anxiety. i make my parents waste money on doctors all the time because im paranoid of dying. i actually am paranoid of that right now because ive been unwell for weeks. im "diagnosed" with social anxiety because last year i went to a cool psychologist who ran some tests, its not official gov wise because being diagnosed by the state can limit your opportunities in life if people see that you're ill. im not on medication because my mother threatens with cutting off my funds for education if i go on it (she thinks it'll ruin my life for some reason). im constantly suffering. there isn't a moment where im not in agony in some way mentally physically or both. i have unaddressed trauma bc ive stopped my visits to the psych and we never got that far with our sessions. this year i had a terrible panic attack and i dont know how much damage it mightve done to my body.
basically, i am properly messed up with no hope of getting better within the next 6 years or so! when my parents pass away, ill sure as hell be glad
the mom in this book sounds very similar to mine in so many ways
Oh hard same, like my mom did physically abused me occasionally but i wasn't being beaten daily so it obviously wasnt That bad.
Took her yelling at my brother in the middle of the night to make me realize shes a pos
Even some of my siblings were treated worse than I was. Sure, even the favorite doesn't walk off unscathed when a narcissist is involved. It's very isolating, but can I complain when my sisters were basically given death threats? (Like an honor killing deal.)
I like your negative reviews as much as everyone else - you've got real skill at dragging bad writing - but I think it makes the rare positive reviews even better, because we know you have high standards and you back up why you *like* a book just as thoroughly as why you hated the other books
thank you so much! :)
this absolutely. For me, while a negative review is far more entertaining than a just ok one, getting to hear true earned praise for an excellent work is a true treat.
Your point about how many talented, not abusive, creators are out there, who don't get their shot because studios keep problematic dicks on payroll is something I've felt for so long. It's like, no, I don't want to hear from Louis C.K. anymore, I want to hear from a new talent who isn't an abusive jerk. Yet. Who the f*ck knows what the future brings but support new talent. Every time one of your favorite artists gets "cancelled" for good reason go out and find a little known artist or comedian who needs the views. The world is full of talented, creative, funny people and most of them you haven't heard of! Go to a Fringe theater festival! Become a fangirl for that weirdo one-man play of a very dumb Sherlock Holmes parody and never think about all the "cancelled" abusive idiots that we're asked to forgive because we liked their 2012 comedy special.
I have looooooved the comedy of Louis CK forever. I followed his career for well over a decade, from the other side of the world. Yes- it freaking burned to find out what he had done. Yes- it was sad to know that he would be cancelled. BUT IT WAS BECAUSE HE FORCED WOMEN TO WATCH HIM JERK OFF AT WORK... I am so tired of hearing people try to dilute this down. He is a nasty, abusive jerk. You are 100% right- there are thousands of other people who have incredible talent and will never receive the opportunities, support and platform that Louis CK had. Anyway- thanks for the validation 😂
exactly!!!! there are SO MANY talented people out there to support
YES YES YES!!! I feel so strongly about this. There are websites that generate suggestions based on the songs, films, shows, and artists you like. It’s easy to find something else to enjoy without supporting known abusers. Frustrates me to no end.
Yep. I watch RUclips instead of movies or TV (and am extremely aware that celebrity YTers aren't to be trusted either) and listen to music by less famous artists.
When someone wants to speak, I listen. But never stan famous people.
@@emmelinesprig489 omg what website is this? it sounds great!
My niece and nephew are still struggling with having my horrible, toxic sister as their mother. Finally she died and now we all are moving on. Not everyone should be allowed the privilege of parenthood.
My mom died in May and I wasn’t really surprised by the book title when I thought about the horror stories of stage parents. I love my mom and miss her every day, but I’m not naïve to think everyone was lucky enough to have as loving a mom as I did (her own mother is proof of that). So yeah I don’t speak for every person who recently lost their mother but the argument of people being reminded of that trauma doesn’t resonate with me.
If your trauma is resonating from this title, that is on you, you need to get that figured out and that is no one else’s problem. Her mother is proof of loving? Read it again
@@nelclarke2810 they said it doesn't resonate with them and that Jenette's mum is proof that not everyone has a loving mother - i think you need to re-read the comment.
@@starberry5405 I actually meant to say my grandmother and the way she treated my mom as a kid was proof that not every mom is loving. Rereading it I can see how it’s confusing lol, but yeah you got meaning right
The chapter where Laura tries to help her process the abuse was so heartbreakingly real to read as someone who’s experienced maternal abuse. Even years into my own healing journey, I still find myself minimizing and justifying the way my mom treated me. It feels like the kind of conversation I have w myself on a day-to-day basis. This book was so validating and cathartic to know that at least one other person out there understands what it’s like to go through that and the complexities of emotion that accompany it.
i'm so sorry you went through that. i agree that the therapy and recovery scenes were authentic and honest, and they were great representation of the ups and downs of hte process
When I was 17, I dated a former child actor. His mom raised all of her 7 children to be performers and used their income to pay the bills. She also neglected multiple pets to the point that one dog had dreadlocks and I didn't know there was a second locked in the basement for the first year I dated him. They sang backup for R Kelly, witnessed a lot of the things he got in legal trouble for, but they were honestly confused why I was shocked they never contacted the police about it. I also found out when he proposed to me that I was his beard, but that's another story. The entertainment industry is full of garbage like this and it's truly horrifying.
oh wow that's such a sad story
What's a beard?
@@elevensloosehair A beard is a partner of the opposite gender that someone uses to pretend to be heterosexual.
@@elevensloosehair in this context it usually means a woman who marries a gay guy to try and hide the fact that he’s gay
@@galesk344 thank you for the clarification. I was wondering the same.
I was surprised how much I related to this. My parents were never abusive or anything, but I'm transgender. For my entire childhood I felt like I was acting, pretending to be someone else, someone a boy should be, and Mccurdy's feeling of needing to be someone her mom could accept reminds me of how terrified I used to be of being myself
I think the part that stuck with me was the unique trauma that many young abuse victims experience : we don’t know any different so we really don’t know what’s wrong.
yes, reading the perspective of her childhood self was heartbreaking, she really just wanted the best
Thank you for calling out The Creator pressuring her to drink. That’s so gross but I know there’s many people who would defend it because she wasn’t a minor. It’s clear that she was g*oomed and this started years earlier. Even with all the stuff that happened in her older teens, she was still a kid and I’m sure it was really hard to have to deal with all of that.
Yeah she was totally manipulated as a child
As someone whom is a mom, watched iCarly, struggles with OCD and BDD and is a survivor of childhood SA, this breaks my heart in so many ways.
I'm so glad she's been able to find her voice and not let it be silenced any longer. She deserves to be happy, healthy and stable.
i completely agree!!
As someone who will be very sad when my mom dies, when I first heard the title of this book I was like, "Damn. Good for you, girl; good for you." Never even crossed my mind that she could be anything less than fully justified in expressing that sentiment. Wishing Jeanette McCurdy every happiness and every opportunity to live her best life going forward that she was deprived of before now.
Yes! Ty!
Just imagine if she had been allowed and encouraged to follow her passion for writing. I'm sure she could have been just as famous for her writing and may have felt differently about it if it was something she really wanted to do ❤️
yes!!! i'm so glad she's getting to follow her writing passion now
And itsa great middlefinger to her mom, not only that she persues writing but her i think first book, is that.
But jusdgibg by the first start, thats really good foreboding, she has talent that, her mom stole a lot by not letting her.
She's young (relative to me that is) and she can still do it. The support she's getting from the book's publication will help.
Being able to write a child-voice effectively is a great skill. I appreciate that this book went for a particular tone/unique voice because most celeb memoires tend to be bland and without personality.
Something that was not mentioned in the video was when Jeanettes OCD first flared up. She specifically mentioned that when she was in the bathroom doing what “The Holy Ghost” told her to do, she saw that her mom had a sort of sad look in her eyes and to me, that might show one of the possibly rare moments where her mom genuinely realized one of the negative effect she was having on her daughter and that, for once, she probably felt SOME type of remorse in that situation. And it just makes it all the more frustrating during the later conversation her mom had with her grandpa about Jeanettes OCD where she outright denied it. It just showed that she recognized the reality, but chose to live in her denial rather than try to get her own daughter some type of help. You would think since her mom also has OCD, she recognizes how difficult it is to live with and she wouldn’t want that for her ‘perfect daughter’. That, along with many other points in the book, made me think “You know what, I’m glad her mom died too.”
This took a lot of courage for her to write ♥️. My Mom is in the dying process (Alzheimer’s) and I’m wrestling with the resentment towards her from my childhood and my unwillingness to help take care of her now while people in my life are trying to remedy my thoughts by reminding me that “but she’s your Mom”. This was definitely an eye opening review and I will be buying the book soon!
i'm so sorry you've been going through all that. it's definitely an important book
Ask yourself what kind of shit would she do to you if it was you and how would she make it ALL ABOUT herself. DON'T feel guilty for not taking care of a parent or ANYONE that treated or treats you in a toxic manner. They do not deserve your energy. PERIOD.
@@Fiona-68 Alll of this, drop her like it's hot for real.
Helga is a gift to us all.
Also, a note on parenting: with my first daughter, I was very focused on talking about and identifying her emotions. At some point though, (kids are smart) she realized she could use that and started derailing what we were supposed to be doing for a talk about her feelings. The end result is I have no idea if I am being a good parent anymore because the rules change as the kid changes. You just gotta love them and hope for the best.
you sound like a good parent; even if you're not sure if it'll work in the end, you're definitely trying to do a good thing with good intentions, unlike jennette's manipulative mom. and yes, we love & stan helga
Yes, we try to do what ìs best for them. Sometimes there are kids who are smart enough to play their parents. There are no perfect parents, and children may not be the sweet, loving people we are led to believe they always are. That said, I'm sorry that a young woman was so poorly treated by her mother, and I intend to read her book.
Yeah, my kid is autistic so we were very careful from the get go to try to give him the tools to identify his feelings. When he was feeling overwhelmed, when he was frustrated, when he was sad and didn't necessarily know why... and since he was about 5 he's used phrases like "this is just making me feel so stressed" to try to get out of everything from bath time to talking about why he pushed another kid to going to bed, or to make us stop talking to each other because he wanted to be in the room with us but have us only talk to him.
It's hard to know where to draw the line with letting him identify when things upset him and establish boundaries, and making him actually eat, sleep, bathe, leave the house once in a while, and acknowledge that other people's feelings matter too. Kids are suuuuuper manipulative of compassionate parenting, but it still beats the alternative.
Or that's what I tell myself when my kid decides to have long heart to hearts at 1am and ONLY at 1am and I have to find a way to tell him to go the f*ck to sleep without dismissing his feelings or rejecting his attempts at connecting!
Yes! My son has told me I was hurting his feelings because I asked him to choose which pajamas he wanted to wear and he couldn't decide. I sailed through the "Terrible 2s" and the "Threenager" phases, just to get hit in the face with that at 5.
Anyway, kids are delicate and resilient at the same time. The fact that you even care about her feelings, and she knows you do, will be so beneficial to her as she becomes an adult. You make her feel safe, and I think that is so important.
I absolutely love Jennette McCurdy. She was one of my first childhood crushes & I’m shocked by how many similarities we both had growing up. My mom also had breast cancer (though my mom is still alive), both were raised in the Mormon Church even though our mothers didn’t really follow all the rules of the religion, my mom was also so strange about my weight growing up (not to the extent that Jennette’s mom was), both of us were SA’d, shower trauma (by different people, but I was watched while I showered by a family friend), & I’m looking forward to the day my mom dies. Anytime I have said those words out loud people look at me like I’m a monster & guilt me. Jennette is one of my biggest idols and I hope that she continues to be better off without her mom & as far as I can tell she’s genuinely happy. I love that for her.
yes!! i idolized her when i was a teenager, and i had no idea how much we had in common (OCD, EDs, etc. - thankfully i never had to experience abuse)
She is still a great person that has apearently many talents. Like who writes their biography,well. part of it. After all the stuff.
I can't wait until you're free of her either.
As an almost 50 year old woman JUST NOW getting therapy for the abuse I endured from my mother, this hit home. I really appreciated the parts you spoke on and acknowledged what a good “ story” this book is. Well conveyed , funny and heartfelt. I REALLY want this young woman to be happy . I truly hope she’s finding all the good people and general health now. I hope her poor body won’t suffer too much from long term ED . Anyway, fantastic review. I just subscribed. Thanks .
Crying over Jennette's bond with Miranda and how supportive she was about her not doing the reboot 😭❤️
I would counter to those who felt the title was insensitive by saying that maybe they are being insensitive to her experience
that's true!
The way Jeanette's mom inserted herself into her life and latched on, and tried to make Jeanette into a mini version of her reminds me so much of my grandma. She did that to me, but not as much to this extent because she didn't live with me. I can't blame Jeanette for being glad her mom is dead. Very few people believe me when I say I'll be relieved when my grandma dies. Fortunately I've been able to move away. The rest of my family still deals with her.
i'm so sorry you went through that
"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." This is the original line. "Blood is thicker than water," is a stripping down of the phrase that reversed the meaning. It was intended to mean that birth-right/family doesn't always equal your strongest relationships nor greatest loyalties. Additionally, if you are LGBT, especially LGBT and Atheist/Agnostic/Nonreligious, you are also familiar with just how important chosen family and found family are.
No it isn't. This is made up by some guys who wrote a book together. They have given no sources to support this assertion.
@@MissCaraMint oh, really? Name the guys and the book. I dare you.
(Not to take away from Dannie's point though, which definitely holds. Plus if you want to go with that phrase, Wikipedia has a quote by H. C. Trumbull, "But the Arabs hold that brothers in the covenant of blood are closer than brothers at a common breast; that those who have tasted each other's blood are in a surer covenant than those who have tasted the same milk together ; that "blood-lickers," as the blood-brothers are sometimes called, are more truly one than "milk-brothers," or "sucking brothers"; that, indeed, blood is thicker than milk, as well as thicker than water.")
@@GabyGeorge1996 Albert Jack And R. Richard Pustelniak are the authors. I can find the essay Blood Of Water By Albert Jack And R. Richard Pustelniak, but can access it. However there is a website that posts R. Richard Pustelniak text called The Blood Covenant called bac2torah. With a dot and kom spelled with a c at the end. It does not site any sources.
Of course Wikipedia claims that the “blood is thicker than water” expression has it’s origins in the 12th century, so there doesn’t seem to be any question about it. Especially since several independent websites seem to confirm this view. Of course you are free to find information that contradicts this.
Snopes says it’s not the original line.
THANK YOU for talking about the connection between religion and OCD.
I had such severe OCD i almost needed to be homeschooled, and i barely slept.
as soon as i heard the line about jennette wishing for her moms health every time she blew out her bday candles, i literally said to myself "wow that's some early ocd shit"
then you not only reveal she DOES have ocd, but also that you understand the superstitious/religious connections.
it's so rare to hear someone describe the less common OCD variants.
i am disorganized, don't give a shit if things are in color order, don't wash my hands unnecessarily etc, but OCD has many forms and the hardest ones are so misunderstood and often glossed over.
yes same! my ocd started as the religious variant, it showed differently than Jeanette's but hearing that line about birthday wishes made me think "uh oh, that doesn't sound like something a healthy kid would do"
Oh yes! Even today, I sometimes think that if I don't pray or do a painful sacrifice, something bad will happen. I mean it kind of devolved form pray and sacrifice for sinners, pray for peace, etc being taken way too seriously.
I first heard about this book when my mum was given a terminal diagnosis. I never once felt triggered or offended as it wasn’t my story. Janette wasn’t hoping my mum died, she was glad hers was. It wasn’t about me. Also thank you for this. I’ve had a hard time with my mental health lately and watching anything has been difficult to keep my attention but this felt like a breeze. I didn’t read the book myself as I didn’t think I could handle it but watching this helped a lot in digesting this info.
There are so many people in these comments who have suffered trauma because of their Moms. As someone who also survived - my heart goes out to everyone because I know the intense amount of pain I’ve felt.
yes! i appreciate everyone's openness in sharing their own stories too
Evanna Lynch, who played Luna Lovegood in the Harry Potter movies, also has a well written memoir that just destroyed me at points. This review reminds me a lot of that book and how much I loved reading it.
I gotta look into that
What happened to her if you don’t mind me asking??
@@BOO13FRI She had an eating disorder as a kid and went to a facility for treatment.
@@kristaknudsen6882 oh that must’ve been pretty hard for her to deal with, I hope she’s ok now
It's kinda sad and interesting to see the brutal duality between her and Sam. Kinda, Sam was completely carefree, strong willed, even though she had an unhealthy relationship with her mom, but unlike her, her character could argue with her mom, fight, and in the end they could truly forgive eachother and say that they loved each other, she could eat tons of fried chicken and sweets, she could do whatever she wanted.
And, on the other hand, here's Jenette. I wonder how devastating watching herself on Sam's skin would feel if she wasn't so deeply brainwashed about her situation. Also, can't forget the enviroment were Sam was being buit.
Kinda, that's the kind of stuff I can't stop thinking about since I heard her story. You know when you see your friend's instagram and they're hanging out and you couldn't because of a curfew or something and you start to project how good would feel to be there? Then imagine it with your own image plastered, but yet, there's another gut squishing feeling surrounding the whole context.
The bright spot in this book is Jennette’s account of Miranda Cosgrove, she really is an authentic and kind human being , it’s just nice to know that not every child actor is egotistical and selfish some, like Miranda are exactly as nice as they seem.
Jeanette’s recovery from everything makes me smile.
Jennette only referring to you-know-who by "creator" reminds me of Natascha Kampusch, who to this day only refers to her kidnapper as "the perpetrator". If you remember, Natascha was held captive for almost ten years after she had been kidnapped aged 8 or so.
I listened to the whole audio book over the last 24 hours and I'm absolutely blown away. I lost my mother to anorexia/alcoholism when I was 15 and my father earlier this year to brain cancer. Even though both events were incredibly hard and sad, I've never heard someone put the sense of relief (and with that, the overwhelming guilt) that comes when an abusive parent dies in such a brutally beautiful way. I'm so in awe of Jennette.
i'm sorry you had to go through all of that. i think her book hits home SO HARD with a lot of people
For me it is both a blessing and a curse, that my memories of childhood are almost on existent. The struggle between "what did happen" and "do I really want to know". Listening to a autobiography like this lets me tend to go to "maybe it isn't that bad that I don't remember".
It’s the same with me, and I’m pretty sure I had a mom similar to her…
I truly understand where you’re coming from, but please don’t invalidate yourself if you still struggle with things you may not remember. Our brains can still collect data from traumatic events, and erase memories of it in order to protect us. Doesnt mean its any less valid. ❤️
It's really a shame she isn't proud of her old acting work. All she went through and she can't even have that :/
Yeah me too but I understand why she feels that way
She was really good in a svu episode but I'm sure that's not a pleasant memory either
it makes me sad too :( her character did mean a lot to me. however, i can completely understand how she might look at the past as a time of manipulation and abuse, so i definitely respect her decision. i'm glad she's moved into writing, as she's so great at it
@@katc2040 she was great in that episode
@@SAVYWRITESBOOKS fr - this book isn't something I'm going to pick up because I know the subject matter will be too heavy for me, but her writing has a brightness and intelligence that makes me really excited and hopeful for the possibility of future work from her. I'm so glad she feels able to tell her story to so many
You know you never see people arguing that kids should love their parents when the abuse gets bad enough for cps to get involved. But it’s like until it gets that bad all can be forgiven. Parents can be incredibly good at hiding abuse and this narrative feeds into that and is why so many cases of abuse go unnoticed. We need to start treating a child’S love and appreciation for their parents as something that’S earned and not a given.
Yes parents need to earn the love and respect of their children it's not given sadly I know this so well
I looked up to Sams character so much when I was growing up. There weren’t many aggressively hyper tomboys on tv at the time. That’s why I feel so fiercely loyal to the actress, everyone came for her when she didn’t wanna do the reboot. But yeah, no sh*t she didn’t want to do it. I couldn’t imagine the ptsd she’d get even trying to get back into the Sam character. Her mental health is more important than some stupid tv show character. So proud her book has opened the eyes of many people and sold out literally everywhere.
as someone with a horribly controlling and abusive mother i really want to buy this book. im happy for her
i'm so sorry you went through that with your own mom too
I had a lot of these same issues with my mother. Objectification sexualization and projection of her eating disorders. My mother passed last year and I have accomplished more healing and recovery since she died than I was ever capable while she was living. I’m willing and able to look at the ways she hurt me now that she has passed. I would not have been able to address those things without feeling active resentment if she was still alive. I am sad that she passed , so sad, but on some level I am glad that I’m taking care of myself for the first time in my life. I feel like I should order this book and read it for myself. Thank you for doing this in-depth analysis I’m really enjoying it. I write this with tears in my eyes. It is a lot to process. Thank you for this safe space to share
i'm so sorry you had to go through that. thank you for sharing your story as well
This makes me so sad. She suffered so much in silence and through it all, she gave us so much joy and entertainment. I’ll never be able to look at iCarly the same ever again. Poor Jeannette. :(
it's so, so sad. i hate knowing she had to go through all of that
I adored Jeannette's writing style with this book, you can really tell how much she enjoys writing and how she excels at it. I hope she writes more in the future
God the scene where she explains how during her showers (which can INCLUDE HER 16 YEAR OLD BROTHER) her mother does 'examinations' on her breasts and her 'front' and it genuinely made me feel ill. The other scene that really haunts me is when jennette tries to quit, and her mother begins to cry and scream, beating on the horn as if her life truly depends on her childs acting career, and the second jennette agrees to continue, the crying stops as if it didnt happen. So terrifying.
I have to be honest, as someone with an abusive mom with cancer, I felt so seen when I saw the title of this book. The feeling of relief when your abusive mother dies makes you feel so guilty. It’s amazing to know that other people felt the same way. I can’t wait to read this book
Only 10 minutes in, but I APPRECIATE the title as someone who had an abusive mom growing up. When I was first escaping her I feared that I would never feel safe until she died. It's been 15 years since I last saw her, and I'm happily anticipating when 2 years from now I will have lived my life longer without her, than with her.
Not everyone's mom/dad/parents/guardian is loving and supportive. Hearing the "But they're you X" justification makes me sick with how dismissive it is of reprehensible behaviour.
absolutely!
My mother wasn't this toxic, but she died when I was 12 and I was always "well, at least I don't have to go through that again" about it. I heard the book's title and got it.
I’ve read a lot of comments on this section and I’ve got to say that my entire heart goes out to all of the people that have felt scrutinized, abused, misunderstood, exploited, neglected or victimized by their parents, especially their mothers. I felt it a lot when you were talking about parents projecting their feelings onto their children, even though they can be considered good parents it can still happen that they want us to act a certain way or they EXPECT us to act a certain way because it’s what they chose to see in us. It happens to me a lot with my mom, don’t get me wrong, I love that woman to death and she’s an excellent mother but often times she doesn’t seem to understand why I act the way I act on certain situations. She tries to, but I know she has a hard time accepting it sometimes. The thing is, I have social anxiety, it is not diagnosed because my family thinks I don’t need therapy but all of the symptoms are there, I genuinely FEEL myself clam up when put in a very social setting. Meeting new people, speaking in public, the whole nine. My mother, on the other hand is a lawyer, she is extremely outspoken, she expresses herself extremely well and she’s never been bothered by public attention. Same as my father, he’s an architect and often interacts with his clients. Me on the other hand dreads interaction with others in fear of screwing up. I hate feeling this way but I do, and my mother’s default answer every time I tell her this or when she sees I struggle to do something as simple as asking for directions is “I don’t understand why you’re like this, I was never like this, your father is not like this, so who do you even get it from?” I often ignore it but I can’t sit down here, write this and pretend like it doesn’t hurt. It does. My mother is great at many things, but I can’t help but feel like she wants me to be the way SHE is because well, “I’m my mother’s daughter.” I’m just not that person, and I’m tired of it.
Tell your mom it’s often because they have overbearing parents who didn’t allow a child to make mistakes without intervention or humiliation. 🤣
I ordered a physical copy through my local bookstore and DEVOURED the audiobook in the meantime, I listened to it in practically one sitting. It's narrated by Jennette herself. I highly recommend it, whether you're waiting to get your hands on a physical copy while it's sold out everywhere, or even if you've already read the text - it's a different, deeply impactful experience listening to her own voice recount these experiences.
1:13:00 I definitely related to this therapy scene. I had a similar angry and defensive reaction to my therapist when she first told me my mother and I were co-dependent. Jennette is an excellent writer who is really able to bring these moments alive.
she really did a fantastic job on that scene. i'm sorry you had to go through that as well
I know it won’t solve all problems, not by a long shot, but I feel like we need even stricter child labor laws. Maybe I’m swinging too far the other way, but do we really need child performers at all? If it is “necessary” maybe it could be allowed once a week, like an extra curricular?
I was just thinking this the other day. Cartoons can have child characters voiced by adults. Do we NEED children acting in paid productions? I'm honestly wondering if we shouldn't have child actors at all. But then i could imagine some crazy parents starving their kids so that they can play younger roles once they're 18. Idk
I don't think you're swinging too far- It's been shown that adults fail to protect minors over and over, so the only solution I see is not putting them at risk in the 1st place
I agree . I’m for raising the age on a bunch of different apps as well
@@whims6278 yeah, it's so weird that kids aren't allowed to have official jobs* EXCEPT for acting. Why is that so important? Why is the general public's entertainment more important than individuals' well being? I feel like there's never been a positive child actor story that came out of Hollywood.
*I understand some kids do help out on family farms that go beyond typical "chores," which is a separate issue I don't know a lot about and don't feel confident discussing, but a far as paper trails and salaries are concerned, it's just performing, right? And don't get me started on "family" RUclips channels 🤮
Some people criticize channels for hiring adults to play minors so they can portray high school students in risqué situations but I would prefer that to...whatever Dan Schneider did.
This book was such a trip to go through for me. I was excited for it because the title alone resonated with me because I have such a bad relationship with my grandparents. By the time I got through the book, once Janette got to the part of just being emotionally exhausted with a person, it just hit me in such a cathartic way. It was sad but it was like, nice to see that kind of family dynamic put into words?
Validate! That's the word I was looking for. Thank you Savy I am word dumb lol
yeah i think her book is necessary and will resonate with a lot of people
I can totally relate to having a therapist tell you that what your parent did to you was abusive. I remember sitting in front of mine, and denied, denied, denied, and at some point she read to me a definition of abuse, and asked me if any of that felt familiar to me. It was world-shattering, honestly, and my abuse wasn't anything as horrific as what Jennette McCurdy went through.