Therapist Reviews I'm Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy | Is This Healthy Grieving?
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- Опубликовано: 2 сен 2022
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The chapter in that book when she talks to her therapist about her mom is the epitome of that moment when you tell some childhood story that you think is funny or normal but begin to slowly realize the horrified expression on everyone’s face.
Can confirm this happens for folks in therapy all the time lol.
For real, this has happened to me when talking about my mom too. My last therapist actually started seeing me and my mom together but she saw how abusing my mom was and decided she wanted to only see me alone.
So true. I was in boot camp, and at a quiet moment working on folding shirts with couple of other trainees and we started sharing childhood/ family memories and as I was talking is realized everyone had gone quiet and were staring at me. It has was the shock on their faces that really shook my reality off its foundations. I remember thinking what I was sharing was funny at the time, but no one else did. Very sobering moment.
Had this happen 😂😂
I’ve definitely been there… and been there with therapist Who just look at you like … whaaat
As someone who grew up with a controlling mother, this book was so validating. From what I've seen, society tends to be more willing to address and discuss difficult fathers more than mothers so I'm really glad this is leading to more conversation. A lot of people have this unconscious assumption that all women are "natural mothers", so the abuse often gets swept under the rug, especially if its mental or emotional.
Often messed up mothers back up abusive husbands as well. I agree
I totally agree with this. People are so quick to defend mothers’ toxic tendencies as if “mother knows best” is a fact to live by… My mother abandoned her family all because she was bored with us… how is that “mother knows best” vibes? It’s not lol, not all women are meant to be mothers or are meant to nurture others.
Exactly this. This trope is so shit for a lot of reasons. I know if I was a mom I wouldn’t be a good one, I’ve never been naturally maternal at all. Not all people are meant to follow that journey and it causes much pain. Mommy issues are just as valid
agreed.
That I completely agree
I think we need more books like this: about children not liking their parents, about parents regretting having children, about birth trauma, about how it should not be normal to expect a woman to sacrifice her health for a baby, etc, all these taboo topics are very important because discussing them deconstructs essentialist narratives about family that prevent us from sincerely expressing emotions. Having a familial connection to someone does not give them immunity from criticism or boundaries, but unfortunately people keep quiet about these issues and that prevents people from making informed choices in their lives.
We aren't allowed to be honest about any of this, because having babies and continuing the human race is all we're allowed to do, apparently. Can't do or say anything that might jeopardize that!
exactly.
Yes!!! I don't recomend having kids to any of my friends even tho I love being a mum, always wanted kids. I had my rainbow baby in 21 and even tho I am a trained childcare profesional, did a lot of therapie on my own childhood isues, life in a country with good healthcare, can be a SAHM thanks to a lovely husband, it is STILL a total minde fuck to be a mum. Pregnany was horrible and the birth was pretty traumatic even tho all was done to avoid it, kid and I are healthy. All things that aren't garanteed. I see so many parents who regret having kids. And I saw what that does to kids cuz I worked with them for 10 years bevore having a kid.
Yes, this!
One of things I always wanted to see was a child standing up for themselves against their parent and winning
But to be fair, the parent shouldn't be an abusive one, just one who went too far or is clueless about what the child is feeling and how their actions affected the child
My mother passed away when i was 8. Growing up i'd get very angry and upset when others said they hated their mums, because in my mind they didn't realise how lucky they were. As an adult now I understand that not everyone has a mother worth missing.
Also the abusive behaviour thing, as a teen my uncle would regularly yell at me and call me names. Whilst I don't think I would call my uncle abusive, as an adult I recognise that these behaviours were abusive, even if my uncle wasn't an inherently abusive person.
My mother wanted me silent about the fact her husband was sexually abusing me. I’m glad my mom died. I grieved the loss of having have never had mother.
As one of those kids that hated her mom and cut contact at age 20, I appreciate that you learned from that.
It’s crazy how many grown adults have gotten angry at me for “taking my mother for granted” when my mother has literally gone out of her way to cause me problems so that she can judge my response and stupid. And she doesn’t believe that mental illness exists at all so she’ll never get help.
No one just cuts their parents off willy-nilly, everyone has some underlying reason even if abuse isn’t involved (cults or drugs come to mind)
@@gingerisevil02 I feel your pain from similar circumstances and I’m sorry you know what it’s like
@@sourgreendolly7685 when you're a child, it's hard to imagine another reality besides your own. I wanted my mum and couldn't understand why others would so readily say they hated theirs.
But as an adult who's more educated in the nuances of these things, it's understandable why some people do hate their parents and that often that hate is justified.
I'm tigh in the cusp of being a millennial/gen z so I also grew up with more people being more outspoken about their traumas and abuses, especially online. More and more people are writing books about their abusive childhoods m, I read a few of them. It's just really eye opening.
I think a lot of adults, particularly.older generations, were raised in a time where beating a kid was normal. Being treated terrible as a child, both at home and school was normal and encouraged. But now we know and understand these methods are harmful and abusive and the older generations just struggle to understand because for them, it was their normal, they were also never allowed to speak I'll of their parent or any adult. So many carry those harmful lessons with them, not realising they're harmful.
Luckily though our generations are changing this and I think future generations will be more understanding.
@@sourgreendolly7685 i am going through this catalyst with my mom rn, and I say THE EXACT SAME THING. No one cuts a parent off flippantly…..I am still in the process of figuring out how much contact is okay for me rn.
I wish that being angry at your abusive parents was more acceptable. My mother and father would disrespect me endlessly, beat me, and put me down all the time, but the moment i ever said anything negative about them all i ever heard back from other people (even therapists) is "what about them. What about their feelings. Why dont you respect them." And never "im sorry that happened. What they did is wrong and you're right to be mad."
Its like everyone just wants to put the responsibility of being the mature one, the forgiving and respectful one, on my shoulders - a victims shoulders, while they coddle the person actually causing those issues in the first place which made me so bitter.
I can understand my abusers and still hate them, and hate what they did to me, and i think that i should at least be allowed that much.
Love this book. If you had a controlling or abusive mother, it resonates -- even if your life is otherwise different from Jennette's. It's validating to hear that other people have felt these feelings. I also got the audiobook, which is read by the author and I recommend it because you hear her story in her voice as she intended and it's so effective.
Yep
Yes, same. When I first heard the title I already knew the story.
omg there was a point where she got choked up and it broke me. i had to take a moment to cry.
another thing that i have seen in media that i grew up with (movies dramas anything) where parents are abusive, is them coming back and apologizing and accepting the boundaries of the person. This, in my opinion, is total crap and promotes the idea of "maybe someday they will understand/ accept us" which is really harming to the victim. As someone who cannot leave the abusive situation, i think again and again if i had not tried to salvage the relationship for so long and waited for them to understand me, if i had known that this was a lost cause... would it have helped me?
In real life, abusive parents don't suddenly give you your life back that they controlled for decades and apologize like at the end of a movie. In real life they do not suddenly start seeing you as a person if they have treated you like scum their whole life. At least not in my life.
Thank you! I never got mad at the movies per say probably bc I didn't see how false and damaging it was. I think in my mind I probably thought oh this situation they showed was just more salvageable then other stuff that I could relate too. I did however notice that when I finally understood certain ppl in my family were never going to change, everyone around me had that movie mentality that if you just opened up and had a convo they would feel remorse and apologize and be better for you. I mean even when I was a kid and I would tell other adults or kids my age how controlling my mom was they would always say to "just talk to her" despite me emphasizing she wouldn't listen or care. The blame and pressure was constantly put on me to keep communicating with my mom or my dad about stuff they already knew about so that eventually they would see the light. It all felt like toxic positivity. I do see now how movies and tv shows make unrealistic endings as a way to have a happy ending and how most ppl who buy into that being a fact instead of an idealistic version of how they'd want it to go.
This! An abusive parent doesn’t change unless they want to and work hard at it. Most don’t see what they’re doing is wrong and don’t care about the harm they do. My mother was a horrible person and when she died I cried tears of pure relief.
It’s actually very strange when they do start treating you better. About two years or so ago, I saw a massive shift in both of my parents behaviors. I wish I could say I was glad but it doesn’t feel right in a twisted sort of way. I kind of wish they’d yell at me again so I can prove it happened and I’m not crazy.
THANK YOU!
I tried for 20 years of my life before cutting my mother off. She doesn’t even believe in therapy because “mental illness isn’t real, psychology isn’t real” so it’s clear she’d never get the help she needs. And regardless of if that changed one day, I sure as hell don’t own her forgiveness or another chance.
I can’t stand how often real abuse is overlooked in family dynamics, even by professionals sometimes. They don’t tend to that that when it’s your significant other doing those things “but it’s your mom!” It’s extra absurd to me, because my grandmother was legally my “mom” and raised me- my mother just made it more difficult.
@@rayw.6677 I relate to this a lot. My father suddenly starting making more of an effort for our conversations to be pleasant and not full of the hatred he has for my beliefs. It was unsettling at first, but I've been able to reframe it and appreciate the effort he is making. I 100% doubt he will ever own up to his abusive behavior and probably doesnt even feel he was abusive at all, but he is making a conscious effort to be amicable and has even stopped the conversation when he felt it was going sour. I'm not saying this to invalidate your feelings at all, just that your parents behavior now does not erase their past behavior, and they should still take accountability. Sending you so much peace and love
I resonate with that idea that "child abuse looks this way" statement. I had an emotionally abusive sibling, but even today we dont really recognize that siblings are abusive. Even my own mother, who has literally watched my mental illness progress over the years is like, "Its just sibling rivalry." My sister and I are 6 years apart in age, a 5 year old cannot in any way compete with a 11 year old. I still haven't found a therapist that can actually help me because we just dont call that abuse, but it is. And I had moments like was explained where in hindsight I see how abusive it was.
It’s also neglect on the parent/s part for not intervening nor addressing her struggles adjusting to a new sibling. Lots of big siblings hate the new baby but after 5 years, they should be used to it. (NOT excusing your sibling in any way- I was abused by my brother, sibling abuse is real and valid)
i feel this so massively- i also had to struggle with an abusive sibling up until very recently where i just cut them off completely, but i know for a fact that its going to be very hard for that aspect of my past to be taken seriously, especially since this sibling in particular is 2 years younger than me. slight age difference regardless, they were almost impossibly cruel, and the fact that i was the only neurodivergent kid in the house with no proper support made me a few rungs below my other siblings, developmental wise. its incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking to sort through this kind of abuse alone- im still coming to terms with it tbh!
Sibling abuse is absolutely real! And there are some therapist who do talk about. Patrick Teahan, for instance, has touched on it at least a couple times on his RUclips channel.
OMG I’m so glad to see this here. My sister is four years younger than me so mom would say there’s no way she could hurt me, hurt my feelings, tease me, etc. Because I was OLDER.
Now I’m 47 and I FINALLY got the courage to block her from my life. My mom STILL pushes me to talk to her again. To forgive her.
Nope.
this is something i resonate with so deeply because i had a friend in elementary and middle school who was deeply abusive. she completely warped my sense of self and i still suffer from how she treated me. the trauma she gave me was absolutely permanent. yet no matter how many times i tell people this, they don't grasp the "abuser" part. they only think i'm saying "she was a bad friend", when she was so much more than that. she hurt me so much and after refused to apologize or even acknowledge the hell she put me through. and when i try to tell others, they tell me to let go because "that was so long ago and you were just kids". i don't know why some trauma is deemed "less valid" than others, but it sadly is.
I hate how she's been so shamed about being honest about VERY COMMON feeling among abuse victims. It is SO wonderful to hear someone show the actual reality of being an abuse victim. I agree with how inspiring it is. She is so brave and groundbreaking.
As an abuse survivor with ptsd, I can absolutely say that the message of what abuse should look like is the reason why family trauma is such a big issue and why a lot of baby boomers were abused as kids and passed it on. Both of my parents suffered neglect and abuse and to them, it was just how things were. Paddling in school? Normal. Getting smacked with a belt? Normal. Being forced to be silent at the dinner table until my maternal grandpa left? Super normal.
And because it was normalized and not horrific like children in cages who aren't being fed, they never got therapy. And unfortunately, my sister and I went through similar abuse. We need to stop normalizing it. I had no idea I had been abused until I got older and my body began to physically break down from emotional stress and trauma. In fact I would deny it because there's a sense of shame, like I was just a bad kid so therefore I deserved to be smacked around. I had no idea my friends weren't being hit and smacked. I just assumed most parents hit their kids.
It's not easy to admit your parents were abusive. I still love both of my parents and today, our relationships are much healthier due to therapy and communication. It's complicated though. They absolutely hurt me and put me through a lot. But I also want to honor their struggles and understand WHY this happened. It's a trauma cycle. It doesn't excuse their behavior, but since they both grew up with unresolved trauma, they passed it on. I think it's important to give grace while also recognizing that you were hurt and that wasn't okay.
Not everyone can resolve things with their parents and ultimately, cutting them off is the only thing you can do. I'm lucky that both of my parents are willing to listen and work with me on repairing our relationship. Not everyone is.
yeah the chapter about jeanettes phone call(s) with her grandmother really brought it home that this behavior didnt come out of nowhere
Thank you for acknowledging that even though you have been able to somewhat reconcile with your parents, that that is not possible for everyone. There is a lot of invalidation in support spaces around this issue. I'm glad you were able to talk about it with your parents and they were able to hear you.
I overheard a guy once say "when I was a kid, if we didn't stand for the pledge of allegiance our parents would beat the shit out of us!" And he said it as a point of pride, like he thought that's how things were for everyone back then and that's how things ought to be now and he's better for it. The other two guys with him just chuckled awkwardly in embarassment and looked away and changed the subject. I don't know why I noticed this guy at all. I didn't know him and he looked and sounded like a piece of shit, but I honestly felt really bad for him because he was a kid and nobody should have ever done that to him or made him feel like that was okay. And it disgusts and horrifies me that he's proud of it and was saying it like it was right or should be repeated. It made me wonder for the whole rest of the night whether child abuse is something that's just baked into American nationalist/conservative culture-- "you have to act 'right' in public or I'll hurt you in private," and then those kids grow up to get really mad when they notice that other kids aren't getting hurt by their parents for the same arbitrary crap... idk it just made me realize how many people out there straight-up don't realize that the stuff that happened to them wasn't right, that it was abuse, and that their parents neither had to nor should have done those things-- that they were wronged, that they were innocent victims of adults who owed them better and simply chose to do worse.
It was a wild realization that most of the abusive things from my childhood that my parents did happened because it was done to them, and they think it's normal. And seeing my paternal grandma be cruel and openly (emotionally) abusive and no one thinking it wrong because "that's how she is, that's normal" is mindblowing, to this day
@@danielasarmiento30 My dad had a lot of anger issues while I was growing up - luckily things never got physically, but he would yell a lot. My grandmother taught him this behaviour, and she would cross the line of abusive behaviour a lot while he was growing up. He's done a lot of work on himself now and we're working on our relationship, but knowing how much WORSE the stigma was of female abusers when he was growing up, it wasn't until I had graduated that he was able to admit the way he had been treated growing up wasn't ok. Most abusers learned their behaviour from their abuser, sadly.
I remember being a teenager and being livid when my friend said “You’re lucky your dad died.” Now that I’m older I realize not all parents are loving. Her father is/was a straight up jackass and I would want him dead if I had to live with him too. Now that both of my parents have passed away I never try to guilt anyone who says things like that because some people are assholes. Having a kid doesn’t magically make you a good person.
It's definitely true that some people have parents they wish were dead. And I do see where your friend is coming from, because I wished the same thing for the longest time. However, it's still not okay to say something like this to a grieving person and I'm sorry that happened to you
I hope you can reconnect with that former friend and tell her now that you understand why she said that. 🙏🏾
I was just told by my psychiatrist that I am grieving the relationship with my parents. They're still alive...I'm 43 years old and it is HARD. It truly feels like a death. Thank you for what you said. It means so much.
It’s just as hard the other way around. Parents can grieve for the loss of relationships they hoped for with ungrateful, angry, problematic children, too. Tragic all the way around. Not in Jeanettes case, but this is also something I’d love to see Mickey explore
@@smartmarketing173 Yes, it is.
I had never heard of Jennette McCurdy until about a month ago, when I listened to a podcast about her. Can't remember why I listened - normally I'm not interested in lives of celebrities. I had no idea where the story was going or what it was supposed to be about. But as soon as the stuff with her mother came into the story I felt a sudden sense of familiarity - only because my own mother was also very controlling and cruel.
My mother made me her emotional caretaker throughout my childhood, and when I started to pull away she treated it as a betrayal. When I told her I was moving out at 18 she went ballistic. But I did it anyway. She never forgave me - she refused to ever visit me, but demanded I continue to serve her as much as possible. And she was always verbally abusive, in that seesaw way associated with untreated borderline pd. She never stopped begging me to move back in with her.
I wish someone had suggested earlier that cutting her off was even possible - it never occurred to me until I was about 30. Finally I did it. She tried various ways to get around the ban, including attempts to befriend my coworkers. One was successful, and I suspect that woman believed ever after that I was a monster.
Then my mom died of cancer in 2002. I visited her in hospice a number of times. Her last words to me were shrieks of venomous rage when she saw me talking to a nurse about her condition.
I'm glad my mom died. It removed the biggest burden I ever carried - though I'm sure the residue of her abuse is something I'll never completely get rid of.
I very much want to read McCurdy's book, but just knowing what I know about her, I greatly admire her courage and determination. People like her make the world better, even if it's by doing nothing more than reminding us that we're not alone, and that what happened to us was wrong.
Wow. You are one tough person. I'm really sorry all that happened. Sending love your way ❤️ 💕 ♥️
@@ambriaashley3383 Thanks for the kind words - I really appreciate it.
I borrowed the audiobook from my local library and listened to it twice, that last chapter hit me like a ton of bricks. I love my mom but I do have a complicated relationship with her in some aspects and I think it’s healthy for us to acknowledge that moms can make mistakes and there are bad moms out there, Not every mom is a saint and just because you gave birth to a child it does not make you a mom. What Jenette’s mom did to her was awful and I can’t imagine what it was like dealing with all of that. I’m glad that Jenette has the space to talk about her experiences and is able to heal and find herself. She was so used to playing a character and being somebody that she wasn’t not only for nickelodeon but also for her mother, I hope that Jenette has a long healthy loving life ahead of her
I am in the same boat with you. My mom has done a lot for me and I love her, but the mistakes she has made have been huge and something frequently talked in my therapy sessions to this day.
People are gray, complicated, and in my case I know the mistakes my mom did were because her own mother was a monster. And I respect how much better my mom has been. Yet it doesn't change that she has traumatized me.
I hope everything best for you♡
Beautifully said
As someone who grew up pre-social media, for all its problems, the coolest thing is to learn the times we thought we were all alone, we weren’t. It doesn’t solve everything, but it helps to learn you’re not alone. And even if we don’t understand exacrly, we can gain empathy and understanding and create support for those who might struggle in different ways.
I really love this channel, and the "Is this healthy grieving?" thumbnail made me so sad because I thought Mickey was about to argue that Jennette's grief journey wasn't "right"/healthy/allowed. Glad it went in a different direction.
Hahaha same I was like OH NO! But I should have known, Mickey always has great takes
Yeah, I saw the “is this toxic” version and delayed watching it for a few days for that reason!
agreed, you don't owe anyone liking or missing them, and jenette is completely justified in this considering how her awful mother treated her.
Well let me say her mother is not here to defend herself maybe she killed her mother. If as a child you feel abused you can report it
@@cattycassals you're a bad person. Touch grass.
As someone with an ED, I wish I didn’t read this book 😢 it was an amazing book, don’t get me wrong. I echo lots of the sentiments that others are saying here. However… it did trigger a pretty massive relapse and I think in a way I knew it would and I let it happen to myself 😞 I tend to seek ED stories to re-trigger myself and it’s something I’m working on and if this sounds like you then take caution.
Again, it’s a very inspiring, amazing, and validating book. But if you’re currently going through recovery, please honor and respect your boundaries. It’s hard to feel like you’re missing out on a “cultural moment”, but it’s not worth the pain…
Thank you for writing this. My book club assigned this book at a meeting I missed, and I was considering reading it after watching this video. This was what I needed to hear. Not trying to relapse. I am "recovered", but I've found that, like a lot of other trigger-response behaviors like smoking, drinking, cutting... relapse is always around the corner if you let it be. Watching movies with lots of smoking makes me want a cigarette. Reading about disordered eating, especially when well written, brings me into that headspace. Thank you thank you!
I was in my 20s when my mom died and the overwhelming feeling I experienced was relief. She was destructive and dangerous - in addition to being mentally ill. It’s impossible to describe what being raised by a paranoid schizophrenic is like. From the instability and uncertainty about which mom you’ll wake up to that day to biting your tongue while your mom explains how aliens are poisoning her through the air vents to throwing away family photos that have the faces scratched off. And everything in between and beyond. There’s just no way to explain what that does to a kid.
My aunt didn’t understand - she literally got out of the car on the way to the funeral when my sister and I talked about how we never felt loved by our mom. To her, my mom was a loving mom. To us she was about as insane and checked out as a person can be. What people (even FAMILY) see on the outside leads them to believe they understand a person. They don’t.
But that said, I understand now in my 40s that hearing the words “I’m glad my mom died” can seem heartless to people who are grieving great moms. I would ask anyone who is in that category (or who loves their loving mom) to pause before getting offended. Pause and ask what would make a person say that. Then - if it comes up a lot and hurts, talk to the other person. Let them know that it’s painful for you and you’re trying to understand. Have a conversation. I’m always happy to explain if I come off as unfeeling or flippant. And I don’t speak that way around people who lost a beloved parent unless I know they understand. We can be sensitive on both sides while still being honest. ❤️
I’m sorry you had to go through so much turmoil. I’m happy that you have found your peace 😌
sending you love! i hope that youve managed to heal in your time as an adult. you deserve stability, peace, and love and i genuinely hope you have found that in your life
I didn't cry the day my dad died, I cried for the people who were crying because their pain was genuine. I think I still struggle with guilt about my absence of emotion towards someone's death.
@@zorro...... I definitely have. I was older when the nonsense started to get real (and I’ve always been too stubborn to listen to my mom 😂). My sister is just now, as in this year, coming out of a 22-year abusive relationship that she believes is directly the result of the messed up way she was raised by my mom. The things my sister was told horrify me - that men “just do that” (sexual assault or cruel words), that lying is better than telling the truth, that she doesn’t deserve to be happy or make her own choices. She internalized those HARD. In every aspect of her life. Then she moved away and I had to help her run from her husband over the phone. But the conversations we’ve had make it clear that even two victims of abuse can have wildly differing experiences and views of their abuser.
I just want everyone to know their worth. And tell others their worth. Words are powerful - and encouraging someone that toxicity isn’t necessary or typical or healthy is a first step.
Some people choose to live with blinders on, and everytime i hear "oh, but thays your MOTHER ..." I want to spray them in the eyes with my paper spray Keychain.....
It took me a long time to recognize my parents physical punishment as abusive, even though I always knew it traumatized me, because of the cultural norms surrounding the practice generally.
Completely relate. It's so normalized I often felt ashamed for being "too sensitive".
@@webofstarlight I was accused of being too sensitive once in an argument with someone about this topic, even though I suffered injuries many times, well I asked the person "would I be too sensitive if my spouse hit me?" Like I don't understand why they think it should be a different standard for adults and children. If anything children should be more protected from violence considering their vulnerability. But at least most people do agree that my parents "took it too far".
@@sarayoung9395 It's good they admit that, but it's weird that so many people can justify violence against kids and only kids! 😖 You should never have been hit at all. 💜
@@webofstarlight Completely agree and sorry you were hit as a child as well. I think there will come a day when it will no longer be acceptable, I hope I'm here to see that day.
I get so sick of culture being used as an excuse for different kinds of abuse.
TW: ED
I would love for it to be normalized for people to instead of saying "just stop" in response to any kind of compulsive or addictive behavior, to instead say "i would like to help you with this problem but i can't offer any advice that would be helpful to you in a meaningful way but someone more knowledgeable on this topic can", if youre not going to actively become more informed on the issue, then dont assume offering common sense would be meaningful advice either. The assumption that you can simply stop addictive behavior at any time is really weird. and offering it as advice is really belittling to someone already struggling. and of course, not helpful.
theres also such a need to recognize that addictive behaviours are often the outcome of trauma or life difficulties. sure, there will be outliers, but if you know someone is struggling with some kind of addiction, be it substance abuse or EDs, why would you not approach with curiosity and compassion as to why these behaviours are addictive to them? often times, people do things that are harmful to themselves because it fulfills an emotional need somehow. telling people to "just stop" does not allow them to find a way to meet these needs that the addictive behaviours are trying to make up for.
Yes! Seriously, it's shocking the length people go to remain ignorant and uneducated as to how their words cause chains of reaction towards self-harm. "We told you to lose weight, we never told you to get an ED."
@@smashingpancakes9058 Your last sentence goes soo much deeper too. Its so common for people to think fat people dont develop/have EDs or to think its ok if fat people develop EDs as long as they end up thin for it. Its so alarmingly mainstream to the point that former contestants of The Biggest Loser tv show were on the receiving end of it after hitting their goal weight by the media.
And part of it comes from a lack of curiosity or interest in questioning further this widespread societal misunderstanding of a complex and individualized phenomenon. Its another exercise in "what do we (society) not need evidence for yet believe in anyway" which is very reminiscent of moral panics.
The podcast maintenance phase is amazing at explaining this and is where I got most of this information from. Please check out their "Biggest Loser" episode. Youll be in for a treat.
@@elleofhearts8471 your first paragraph sums it up. If I'm not mistaken I think the statistic is 90% of people with EDs appear arvage-overweight. Through most of my ED I was in a bigger body, I starved myself for yeeears but never got smaller than a M (I'm a 5'2" woman). I never got alarmingly thin for people to question anything but I know full well that even if I was they would still have congratulated me for being "model thin". I got the flu once and couldn't eat or drink for days, my aunt saw me and congratulated me on my weight loss and asked what my secret was. With a very straight face and upset tone I told her "I've been too sick to keep food down." She seemed more upset by my tone than by how sick I just told her I was, she replied "oh well, at least you got something good out of it" like wtf.
Thanks for the podcast rec, I'll check it out! I grew to hate the Biggest Loser. That show made people believe weight loss happened that fast, it that gave the adults around me fuel to criticize how long it was taking me. "BL has professionals working on the show so they obviously know how it works" 🙄
@@smashingpancakes9058 omg im so sorry you had such horrible experiences. Its not uncommon for people to compliment the physical manifestations of EDs and that alarms me so much. Thats not acceptable at all and you deserve better.
I think and hope youll get a lot out of the podcast because it has a lot to offer and its going to validate and go even deeper on everything you wrote about. One of the co hosts aubrey gordon is a 300+lb queer woman who herself had EDs in the past so I think its really valuable to have the diet industry dissected through the lenses of marginalized people with a scientific approach. I really cant recommend the podcast enough because it helped me a lot and I hope it helps you a lot
My abusive mother died the day after this book was released and wow.
Currently in therapy dealing with this issue. I’m 33 and it wasn’t until my mid twenties that I even began to notice my mothers behavior was not normal. It was not until I put my oldest child in therapy at 13 that glass ceilings were shattered. I understood I was doing to my child what had been done to me. So thankful I’ve addressed my authoritarian behavior, and we are actively breaking the cycle in my household. I still have moments where I behave like my mother with my children, but guess what? I immediately apologize and tell them my behavior towards them was uncalled for and unacceptable. Be thankful if you are someone who does not understand this, but I will not miss my mother when she passes. I will know she is finally at peace if that makes sense.
Both of my parents were abusive in their own way and it's healing that people are starting to be more open and have more conversations about prenatal abuse and how we as their children, don't have to stay in a relationship and 'forgive" them.
Can I just say how much I appreciate you "normalizing" the decision to stop attending therapy that you don't feel comfortable with. I know your intent wasn't to advise or recommend turning down needed therapy, but just mentioning that it's a common and an understandable thing that happens in therapy was really helpful for me to give myself a little bit of a break! I stopped attending therapy and I've been carrying around a lot of guilt about that...
A few years ago I had a therapist who was insistent I acknowledge abuse in my marriage, quite early in my therapy. I had actually sought therapy for postpartum depression and PTSD from (VERY recent) birth trauma that was incredibly difficult for me to cope with. I was not at all prepared to examine my relationship in this therapy and I wasn't in the mental space to really try to even process that. I felt completely blindsided and utterly shocked at the suggestion, I had never even considered the possibility my husband was abusive and this woman was trying to convince me that he was! That's a lot to reconcile! Not to mention how utterly overwhelming it was when I was already struggling to overcome trauma, postpartum depression and the resulting guilt from an inability to bond with my baby. It was too much!
That wasn't even the turning point though! As overwhelming as assuming that mental space was for me at that time, I tend to really value self awareness and I never want to just bury my head in the sand instead of facing a problem. So I forced myself to be open to exploring what she was saying and hear her perspective. However, it turned out that it wasn't enough for her that I just start to consider the effects my relationship has had on me because then she began insisting I needed to start making plans to leave him!
Every session she kept trying to convince me that I needed to leave the marriage and probing me for how I planned to do it and I just felt bulldozed every time I saw her. I felt leaving my marriage should be MY conclusion to come to, not hers. I hadn't even been allowed to come to the conclusion that I NEEDED to leave and she kept nagging me about how I was going to do it! It made me feel overwhelmed, pressured, and judged for not making the decision she wanted me to make.
Long story short, I eventually abandoned therapy altogether. I had sought therapy to help me process stress and difficult, complex feelings and instead it felt like therapy was CAUSING stress and complex feelings! So I just quit going one day because I already felt so judged and I just couldn't fathom her judgement about my decision to quit going. I've been carrying shame and guilt for that decision for years and it's really bothered me, so it means so much to me to hear from a therapist that it's OKAY to walk away. Thank you!
I’m so sad to hear that they were putting such unnecessary pressure on you and overstepping their boundaries! I do think it’s important to note that not all therapists are cut from the same cloth. Ultimately, therapy is a service we pay for and no one should force you to do so..but that’s the important part of the relationship to. You are paying them, they are *serving* you. I believe there’s not enough conversation around creating boundaries with our therapists, how to calmly correct their assumptions, having a strict interview process when choosing a therapist, and not settling for a therapist that isn’t exactly right for you.
Usually when I hear people’s issues with therapy, what they’re really saying is “I had a bad experience with a therapist.” If I have an unsettling experience at the doctors office, I may not quit seeing doctors all together but I may go to a different practice that has a completely different approach and be very strategic and picky about who I see.
@@heyyitsjude I agree with you completely! Every profession is made up of people who are both good and bad at what they do, there's just no way around that. Formal education gives people the information they need to be competent at their jobs, but it can only cover so much; the rest comes down to judgement, intuition, and just plain good sense, and those are learned, not taught. Unfortunately, sometimes the only way to know which one you're getting is trial and error and it's really just the luck of the draw.
Further still, in a field like cognitive therapy, it's such a personal and individualized service that there is really no right way for it to be done. So while the aggressive, bulldog approach was counterproductive with me, it might just be what someone else needs from a therapist. Which is why I can't say she was a "bad" therapist, just a bad therapist for me. We didn't have the right kind of connection for us to work well together, but I still have no doubt that she was just genuinely trying to help me in whatever way she thought she could. Which, again, is why I think I've been carrying so much guilt. She wanted to help me and I ghosted her to avoid feeling uncomfortable. It was really helpful for me to hear that it's common and not taken personally!
Exactly! I'm so glad I'm not the only one who feels like this. My therapist makes it sound like a "you don't stop until I say so" type thing and it honestly feels.. really toxic. Even more damaging than if I were to just not take therapy altogether. When she puts it into words it seems like nothing more than just someone being toxic and controlling. Sadly, my mom agrees that I shouldn't finish therapy until my therapist thinks I've "recovered", but I don't think I will recover anytime soon. I can probably pretend I have, though. Considering it only puts extra pressure on me to take therapy, my mental health is probably going to get worse because of it. These are things I wish either of them could understand.
My reason for wanting to stop therapy is different from yours, however, not everyone will have the same reason, and we're both valid :)
That therapist sounds like a psycho. I had one like that who during our second meeting suggested that I cut off a not very significant “friendship” who clearly wasn’t damaging me. I knew fully well his limits of positive and negative effect on my life and how to mediate it. I had good boundaries. I just didn’t have a lot of social contacts. I thought it was really creepy that the therapist wanted my to eliminate what little social contact I had and a very good instance in which to practice healthy boundaries. Yeah she was a fruit loop. I noticed before our meeting that the client before me left sobbing too, so there was that.
Something I had to do was completely cut off my parent until they were able to reenter my life on my terms with my boundaries.
I guess I’m just here to say that cutting off a person doesn’t have to be permanent.
The book made me think of Bojack Horseman. At one point, he talks about that childlike hope that one day, spontaneously your parents will recognize they hurt you and apologize. Only for that to be completely crushed once they die because now, no matter what, that can never come true. Grief is so messy so I'm glad Jennette is able to open up about her journey, especially about a mother-daughter relationship, specifically.
Well now I just have to get the audiobook. I keep saying "I wouldn't care if my biological incubator got mauled and eaten alive by a pack of radioactive rabid raccoons" and people don't get why or how I can be so insensitive toward her. It's actually the opposite. I'm overly sensitive to whatever has to do with her BECAUSE of how insensitive and abusive SHE's been to me. Honestly, if those imaginary raccoons were sent by me, we wouldn't even be even. I hope she suffers like she made me suffer. If people are horrified by that, I'm happy for them. If they can't understand that, they most likely had a happy life and I can't be mad at that.
I'm stuck in bed with a mouth abscess and now I've got an existential crisis coming on...
Thanks for the video as always Mickey, and the realisation that I ghosted my counsellor haha
I hope you feel better soon!! Lol ghosting a counselor happens to the best of us 😅
With that kind of infection, I’m sure they’ll understand. I hope you recover soon. I know how much those suck!
I'm only commenting to extend sympathy to you 😂 i had an abscess in my jaw last year. The pain was awful. Hope it gets resolved quickly x
Her honesty was admirable.
If you want to hear snippets of the books but don’t really feel like hurting yourself in the process. Savvy writes books did a good review.
Its a hard book to read.
it is somehow also an incredibly easy read in spite of the subject matter, due to the fact that she is an amazing author. the stories are gripping, relatable in spite of being completely unrelatable due to the specifics of her experiences. she has such a great way with words and the way she frames her healing as steps forward and back. i love the book deeply :") shes clearly so talented and the hopeful and optimistic last sections of her book mean the world to me.
Listening to it is tough too. I had to keep stopping every 10 minutes or so. But I do find it worth a listen regardless
My old therapist once said " Jessica did you ever think that there was nothing wrong with you? And it was your family that needed help" it completely opened my mind up and I'm still healing but this has helped me be able to see where maybe my childhood was not regular so of course I may have trauma from it. Nothing wrong with me though.
I need a therapist like you, grounded and honest
It's really weird how the existence of this book just makes me process how society deals with parental abuse. I have not gone through anything like what Jenette had to go through but I did grow up with several dysfunctionalities in our family system which continue to cause problems with my relationship with my parents today and having to explain that to people always gives me anxiety ahead of time because you can feel the threat of not being validated before you even say anything and people picking your parent's side, knowing you and not knowing them at all, just on merit on them being a parent ("but they'reyour parent" "they obviously mean well and do this because they love you"). So seeing the title come up of content creatures I love (like you), even though I know they aren't the type of people to invalidate Jenette's story, my brain gets anxious clicking the title with full trust because every time I think "what if I trust them with my feelings end they end up invalidating me unexpectedly by disparaging her story“.
So anyway, just clicking RUclips reviews of people of trust in this subject already gives me the expectation of being invalidated because that's what society does to us almost every time so I'm grateful this book exists because it's a societal step in the right direction and I thank you for your wonderful review. Some great points were lifted out that other creators I've seen hadn't touched on.
💜💜💜
I get such anxiety at the thought of talking about my history for the fear of being invalidated, it's taking an extreme amount of work to build back the trust that a lot of people are understanding and want to help and those who don't can f**k off.
In addition to "but they're your parents" I also got "he's sick, try to be patient with him" and "all parents love their children." They would get very upset and silent when I'd point out that there are some parents who straight up murder their children so no not all parents love their children, some people aren't meant to be parents.
I loved this book from a literary perspective, but I want to echo the CW. I had been recovered from my ED for many, many years and reading this book cause a small relapse. Be careful. If you feel able, or are able to tell a therapist ahead of time that you will be reading it (shoulda done that!) then I still recommend it. But yeah, oof.
That’s actually a super good idea to let your therapist know ahead of time if you can. I hope you’re doing better now!
@@IyannaMcDonald I am thank you! I am grateful to my support network and my years of coping mechanisms.
Overall, as someone who would like to have a child soon, this book was necessary. It made me reflect on why I want to have children. Often I see people viewing their children as a mini me dolls. I’ve always felt off about that but this opened my eyes up more.
This is why I feel a little creeped out when people want their kid to have the same gender as them, or when people name sons after fathers
This is why I feel a little creeped out when people want their kid to have the same gender as them, or when people name sons after fathers
You're going to be a wonderful parent.
"...Is one of the cats trapped somewhere? Oh wait no, that's Mickey's drama cat."
Thank you so much for doing this review. And I’m incredibly grateful for someone as beloved as Jennette McCurdy writing and releasing this book. I was the kid who would share stories about my life that made folks wildly uncomfortable. I’d eventually realize that I wasn’t being disciplined, I was being abused by my mother.
I was in my twenties when I figured out that I didn’t have to pick up the phone or go home for visits. I went no contact for years and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I flew home when my sister said mom was ill and, after flying across the country to mend what was left of it relationship, the last words she said to me were “shut up” because my dad and I were talking too loud at her bedside. It hurt, but it was oddly helpful to justify the years I’d spent separate from my family to protect myself from her toxic influence.
Last year I was on a train up the west coast and happened to be beckoned to a seat by a woman who turned out to have had a similar relationship with her mother. We spent five hours sharing what we’d learned about ourselves, our worth, and our resilience. We concluded that we didn’t miss our mothers, but would perpetually mourn what would never be: a healthy relationship with them.
I’ve since moved back home and it’s been such an amazing experience to discover who my father is without my mother’s influence. I’m helping him care for my younger brother who is still just nineteen and struggling with developmental difficulties and typical teenage troubles. I’m living with my sister again who is, and was, my best friend. I’ve taken up where my mom left off: doing school paperwork, finding good prices on groceries, planning holidays and outings. But, I get to do it in healthy ways.
I love teaching my family what I’ve learned about setting boundaries and communicating effectively. Things I wouldn’t have encountered and adopted if I’d stayed. We’re learning to enjoy each other without feeling timid or anxious. And, every so often, my sister and I have a good venting session where we shake fists at her ashes up on the shelf.
Knowing that there are other folks out there who didn’t have TV moms is not something I delight in, but helps me feel more sane when other folks try to guilt me into remembering my mother fondly. I hope we’re all able to speak to the child within us and comfort them directly in the kind ways we’d wished for when we were young. I’m so glad Jennette and I are able to live for ourselves now.
I couldn’t stop listening to this book once I started. I appreciated not only reading her experience but always hearing it read in her own voice. I can imagine how cathartic it would have been for her to literally take control of her own narrative finally. It was heart wrenching to hear her voice break as she was describing looking at back at 8 year old self, when she overheard the doctor talking about anorexia. That she asked her mum about it only to have her mum brush it off, and remembering that there was a little part inside her that realised maybe her mum wasn’t doing what was best for her, but she couldn’t let herself believe that little voice so she pushed it down. That part hit me the hardest out of the whole book. That in itself encapsulates the struggle of childhood trauma and why it can be so difficult to recognise. Children have to believe that their care givers are safe people with their best interests at heart, because when a child is relying on an adult for their survival, it’s too hard to comprehend the alternative. So rationalising and internalising and self blaming kick in as a way to survive. It’s no wonder that the shift to recognising abuse/neglect/trauma for what it is is so difficult and complex, especially when there is also genuine love and care present in the parental relationship.
But yes, wow, what a book. I’m so glad you enjoyed it too, when I saw your thumbnail I was like OH NO 😅 hahaha. Such a fantastic and powerful read if you’re in a place to manage the subject matter
I ghosted my first therapist as well because I got really scared! I went in thinking I was suffering from my mental health issues because there was something wrong with me and I could just work through those and all would be grand but when I started talking about it and my therapist started responding to my stories like no this is not ok, how many siblings do you have, what ages are they and I started freaking out that she was going to call my parents or they would find out I was talking about them (I was 18 and moved out at the time) and I was so terrified I went home had the biggest panic attack went on with my life about a year, went on antidepressants and then went back and found a new therapist that I really loved and worked through everything for over 5 years with and now I'm in a great emotional place 😊
I haven't read or listened to the book yet, but I think I'm going to have to in the future. It seems to point out that abuse can look so different that the traditional portrayals of abuse, and that's super needed in society rn. I have struggled for years trying to explain to people that the way I am currently is shaped by the abuse that I went through as a kid, and no one even recognizes that it was abuse because "it doesn't look like abuse," or because they had something they deem to be worse because it was outwardly violent and hurtful. Even people close to me don't understand that just because it wasn't violent and malicious doesn't mean it didn't hurt me, and just because I didn't realize it was abusive until adulthood doesn't mean it wasn't. Jennette seems to have illustrated that same concept in her book and now I need to go read it myself, I feel like it'll be really validating to me.
This may or may not be useful to your particular experience, but if you haven’t come across it before, the ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) framework may be a helpful tool to help you communicate your experience to those who don’t get it. It encapsulates more than “typical” abuse, i.e. it also includes types of neglect, as well other factors besides abuse. The factors have a compounding effect, more inline with cPTSD, as opposed to having one specific, easy to explain Trauma to point to
The loss feeling is so true. My parents went through it with their mothers and they only did a little therapy. I am going through it. My psychologist says I need to accept myself as the adult figure I didn't have as kid. Which I do, but as I told her, even in my mid- 30's it is not enough for me.
It is is such a struggle especially when you love your mother and you know they love you but it's like you live in different realities and the two parallel shall never meet.
I’ve literally worn my Vessi’s every day since I got them. (I was also sponsored by them but literally…every day they’re so comfy 🤣)
Right??
I was taken away from my parents twice and still had trouble seeing them as abusive (especially compared to the shelter and social workers) but it became a lot easier to talk about it and understand what happened after my mom died.
Of course I still struggle when my therapist asks me to write a timeline of my life or rate events in my life. I feel awful diving into the memories.
I worked with an peditrician who also did trauma injury investigation (abuse including sexual). We were just chatting about our childhoods. Ill never forget the look of pure horror on her face while she listened. She was shocked that i didnt realize it was abusive. Took me a few years to open that can of worms up. Therapists are the people we need in life 🖤
I read the book in one day, I couldn't put it down. I have never had a problem telling people that my family will be glad when my grandma dies (unless she spite-saddles us with one of her dozen hoarder houses...) and a lot of the things Jeanette described really resonated w me. Also, super love your discussion on ghosting your therapist, I was so nervous to reach out to my therapist after 5 years but she was so nice and not at all judgemental :P
listened to the audiobook. It was really startling to see the similarities in drug addiction recovery and eating disorder recovery.What she said in the last bit of the book gave me so much fuel for my healing journey, i don't want to be a slipping addict when I'm 40. I don't want to still have cravings at 40. I'm 22, and I can stop that shit now if i stick to what I want and I remember why I'm doing this in the first place. I'm crying in the club and it's tuesday as i write this comment
An AMAZING book for sure! As someone who also grew up in Mormonism, I was very fascinated by her relationship with religion & OCD as well as the complicated feelings of religion & abuse.
Hey Mickey, just wanted to say thank you for always giving resources in your description, I was able to find a therapist myself not too long ago :D
It's also so good to hear more about this book, I've been looking forward to learning more! It definitely sounds like it resonates for a lot of people for a lot of reasons
I spent almost a week listening to this book. Had to stop and then again start a few times. I've struggled with eds most my life. This book was honestly refreshing with her blunt honestly about what it is. No flowers just reality.
Going thru the grief of accepting my mom can never be who I need. Radical acceptance is freeing in many ways, but also such a painful reckoning of truth and seeing my entire childhood differently
I really appreciated the exploration of the grey area with family. Breaking down that binary to find how a person can feel safe but still maintain some connection
I listened to the entire audio book while cleaning my dirty mental illness room. It was incredibly healing for me as someone who has also experienced the death of a parent through cancer. I have not yet gotten to the place where I admit that my parent was abusive to me. But hearing her work through her grief made me feel so seen and that I wasn’t alone. I think that book is absolutely beautiful, I hope it was healing to many others.
I would do that if only my parents wouldn't be able to hear it at all
I'm not in a space where I'm comfortable reading the entire book yet, though I'd like to read it some day. I also grew up with a controlling, abusive mother, and though our relationship is much healthier since I moved out and she healed a bit from some of her own issues, I can still relate to a lot of what I've heard about Jennette's book. I still remember all the discussion around the title when it first came out, and how you could easily tell who had never experienced this kind of childhood trauma because they were policing the way she talks about her mother's death, while most people who had experienced our own trauma with parents were just like "yeah, same, lmao."
But for real, I'm glad she's getting to heal from these experiences and share what she went through, and I wish her all the best with it. I appreciate the conversations that her book has started. And I hope to god that "the Creator" gets what he deserves for abusing her and the other kids who worked for him.
It was great to hear you talk about 'not being there yet' and that you make it clear to your clients that they can saysomething is too far or can't face that yet. I had a horrible experience with a therapist years ago where she kept pushing at painful things I wasn't ready to deal with (I was recently out of the psych ward and felt I couldn't dwll on certain things without putting myself right back in). When I said I wasn't able or ready or willing to talk about those things she told me I wasn't trying hard enough to get better. Repeatedly. That really hurt me because I was doing everything I could to get better... I ended up quitting that therapist and didn't see a therapist again for 4+ years because of that experience.
Some of the hardest things to heal from never leave a physical mark. Lack or loss of bodily autonomy is so complicated and long reaching
So true. And being treated like your own thoughts are invalid wrecks your self esteem well into adulthood even with therapy.
Just finished listening to this book and it was a *trip* partly because while I was being abused, I took a bit of heart from her iCarly character because I couldn't be angry or violent or "tomboyish"(did not know I was nonbinary), but irl Jeanette McCurdy was also going through some stuff similar to what I went through... but it's also an excellent book and gives such a well-rounded, humanised impression of someone in recovery that I really enjoyed
honestly it was a rly hard read for me because the similarities between jenette's mom and my mom r just... so striking. except mine went into social work so she would never say some of the things debra did, but the sentiments r all the same. i always wished the abuse i suffered made me into a more obedient child instead of a rebellious one and maybe it wouldve lessened the abuse itself, it didnt take me very long to realize i was being abused (the first time someone my age (15) said "that sounds abusive" it all hit me at once) but it took me a very long time to grow out of that mindset and its reaffirming to hear someone with that experience express their struggles, like the other side of that coin exists its just something i havent rly gotten any insight into before. i try to remind myself, often out loud, that theres no way to do right by an abuser cos the victim is not the problem.
the "my friend anorexia" stuff was also like... rly triggering and i had to read thru it quickly bc it also started to give me thoughts of changing my diet etc. but i understand it as more of a demonstration of how tight of a grip EDs had on her brain. it is so real that u cant even think of food in a normal way when u have an ED, and when ppl around u appreciate the toll it takes on ur body it rly makes EDs feel like an ally instead of self-destruction.
i have rly complicated feelings abt it that r going to take a while to sort out... like i cant let myself like or appreciate this book as it is. its deffo changed the conversations around abuse, ppl r starting to see how abusive mothers can be. its been so alienating even when going into therapy filling out questionnaires like "was ur father abusive? did u ever see ur father hit ur mother?" and then no gender-neutral questions or questions abt the reverse. maternal abuse victims are so erased. i dont believe it to be so uncommon that theres any excuse to leave us out, honestly.
im gonna expand on the ED TW for a sec but jenette goes into detail abt what her diet was like and how she felt eating and how she felt abt her body and presents it how she felt in the moment, which was heavily romanticizing her ED, presenting all of the excuses and attitudes she had around her harmful behaviors upfront. if one isnt ready and careful then (like mine did) ur brain might take this all as validation for giving into ur ED. i think its meant to be read from a space where u can be completely critical of those statements and have no urge to take them at face value but that can be more difficult when in recovery and thats OK.
@@grimlesbians Thank you for the heads up on the ED romanticism, I’ve been putting off reading it because I wasn’t sure. Now I know to wait until I’m in a better headspace.
With my mom’s family I had to go no contact. I tried to just distance myself, but it wasn’t enough. I’m hoping that I never have to do that again, but at the same time I have no regrets because it was what I needed for myself
I’ve really appreciated all of the videos I’ve seen about this book because it reminds me a lot of my own experiences
In my family, attention was scarce. I now see we were abusive to the youngest child. Remember in someone’s story - you are the villain. It sucks.
Reading this book validated a lot of experiences in my life, especially around my maternal emotional neglect and my own struggles with body dysmorphophobia and swings between anorexia to binge eating. It made me laugh and cry, while also helping me see that voicing pain from parental trauma to that parent is easily dismissed as being "dramatic." That's a classic line my mom always used to gaslight me into believing my feelings were invalid/deflect from the harm she was causing me. My mom never knew about my eating disorder, but constantly fat shamed me in my childhood unless I was thoroughly calorie restricting to one meal every other day. Abusers will say anything to make themselves feel better.
I greatly enjoyed listening to this audiobook, so I'm really looking forward to your views on it.
i hope more parents read her book and learn how their actions can affect their children .
I had to change my first therapist and my first psychiatrist. I couldn’t connect with my therapist’s Viktor Frankl methodology for my PTSD, as for me it made my experiences feel invalidated. My first psychiatrist I saw twice, and he made me feel defensive, and was stepping too much into what my therapist was working through with me in an undermining way. I am so happy with both members of my care team now.
I had a horrible abusive and toxic relationship with my mom. We had just gotten to a place a healing where we were almost healthy and mending thing when she passed away. The complexity of grieving my mother and the loss of her and what we could hag been, clashing with the relief that I wouldn't ever be subject to her toxic behaviors again, and then the guilt of feeling relief was SO complicated and overwhelming. Hearing Jeanette talk about this an knowing I'm not alone in it is so nice.
I loved this book so much. I listened on Audible and Jenette reads the book herself, and it added some extra real emotions to the read. I grew up a Jehovahs Witness, and woof, when she talks about being Mormon, and the certain things her mom would do and the lengths she went to keep her mom happy at the expense of herself, as well as the manipulation she experienced by The Creator. It resonated so much because of the abuse by church members as a kid. I also have an untreated mentally ill sibling that has been emotionally abusive since we were kids, and the way she speaks about not realizing she was abused until she was an adult hit me hard, because I had that realization at 20. Lots of tears on my end because of the relatability, but it was an incredibly well-written book and I'm so happy she was able to recover and speak her truth.
I related to the book so much . My father was narcissistic and abusive . I felt forced to hide who I was and lived in fear of him , robbing me of years of my life. It’s scary someone else has also gone through the almost exact same thing
I loved this book and though reading it was quite painful at times due to the amount of parallels I saw between my relationship with my mom and hers and my experience with an eating disorder and having that disorder reinforced by my mom. Seeing someone be candidly angry at the abuse they lived though validated my own feelings and helped me feel less guilt around holding resentment or anger for my own mother. While I don’t want to spend my life angry at her, I never was allowed to feel those things and I am now giving myself permission to which is something that this book gave to me. I also 100% relate to the ghosting therapist thing lol but thankfully I found one that was able to understand me better and help me where I was.
I haven't read this book, but I want to thank you for talking about there being options between "continuing to have the same level of contact with my abuser" and going no contact. My father was manipulative and emotionally damaging, and my solution for over a decade was "no one on one contact." So, no phone calls, no just the two of us or me and my partner outings. It meant we only saw each other at family gatherings and were never alone in a room together which was perfect. My brothers have done the growth necessary to shut down his bad behavior for me and act as a buffer, and it meant we could have holidays together as a family, which was important for everyone. And it meant that he could never corner me to make me feel guilty about doing it, which was huge.
So yeah, thank you.
I would personally say, one of the main keystones of my healing (especially with regard to my relationships with my parents) was reading the book "Running on Empty: Overcoming Childhood Emotional Neglect." It led me to a place where I was able to understand my parents' actions towards me in my childhood and the impacts they had had on me, but also to appreciate how those actions had spawned out of misunderstanding, poor education and general human flaws, for which my parents could not reasonably be blamed. I understand that this is not the case for everybody. But in my personal case, where parental mistreatment was due to ignorance more than anything, it was imperative to my healing and understanding of what had actually been taking place in my psyche..
If you want another memoir is very good, I highly recommend Stitches by David Small. It’s a graphic memoir that tell’s David’s story about how he contracted a very serious illness that left him unable to speak for most of his teenage/adolescence years. It was very powerful to me. Content warning it does cover parental abuse. Overall, it was a masterpiece to me
I was hoping you would make a video about her book! ❤
And just saying.... I wouldn't mind a Mickey Atkins podcast.....
I have one actually! It’s available for all of our tier 2 Patrons. The link is in the deecrippy 🥰
@@MickeyAtkins really! I'll sign up!
You and this book are the main reason I just emailed a new therapist after giving up on the concept. (I've had soooo many bad ones.) Thank you for giving me hope again ❤️
When I was younger I never realized how abusive some of my family members truly are/were. Now that I'm an adult who potentially will one day adopt a child or children of my own I have vowed to try my hardest to never be like them. I always brushed aside the name calling, the over-critical nature of my choices, or the invasion of privacy as they're just trying to look out for me/protect but the invalidation of who I am & having to hide my sexuality from some of them opened my eyes along with hearing this accounts like in this book. I see it now for what it is. A means of controlling me so I never leave & never learn how to live on my own ie being completely dependent on them & live their dreams not my own. Something that no-one especially not children should have to go through. I'm not sure how much contact or lack of contact I'll have with them rn since I'm still working that out but I would actually like a relationship with them without worrying about them making some homophobic joke or criticizing a choice I've made vs giving me some good advice. I do know that they will not be invited to my wedding if I ever get married for the safety of my wife & supervised visits if we have a child or children but otherwise I'm not sure
As someone who's a fan of Jeanette, I was nervous when I saw you covering her. I'm glad her book is proving to be a good resource!
Thank you for saying that sometimes we might not want to deal with issues in the moment. I’ve personally stopped going to therapists after I realised that they wanted to talk about my mother even though I went in for other issues (like perfectionism and anxiety and self worth and the likes), and I always found an excuse not to go back because I don’t want to. I’m not ready and always felt guilty for the feelings I have. But having heard about the frank conversations about the book has sparked hope that maybe one day I will be ready, and your kind words and reminder have made someone on the other side of the planet feel better about myself. Thank you.
my dad called while I was watching this video and I did not answer lol
Thank you. The last section made me feel better about my struggle. Not an excuse for the behavior but the reminder that I'm not wrong in being unable to "just stop"
monsoon in az has literally been driving me crazy lately 😭😭
The humidity, omg. 😭
I hope among other things that the book will spark more conversation about adults (often mothers) forcing eating disorders on children. My anecdotal impression is that it’s very common, yet discussion of young people developing EDs is usually limited to “body image” this and “peer pressure” that. In actuality, some kids aren’t even old enough to experience that kind of thing before being handed a disorder ready-made.
ok i’m almost in tears listening to your opening conversation about seeing a counsellor I need therapist
Great job Mickey! Thanks so much for your channel!
Thank YOU for being here! 🥰
I just finished this. I grew up with a mother very similar to hers. I completely understand her feeling this way and I’m glad she wrote about it and let others know it’s ok to feel what you feel.
When this book came out literally one of my first thoughts was "I wonder what Mickey will think about this book". Thank you for your thoughts and insights as always. Definitely found it helpful in my own eating disorder recovery to hear somebody speak so openly about it. And congrats on the new sponsor!
Hearing what Jennette described makes me so grateful to have such a close relationship with my mom. Thank you, Jennette for being so brave and open. Your story is such an important and helpful one for people who might need their own clarity.
Jennette’s book resonated with me at a time where I really needed it. Recently I’ve become to come to terms with the fact that my parents were and still are emotionally abusive. I only began to understand this because people in my life began pointing things out and urging me to recognize unhealthy cycles I go through with them. I have felt incredibly lonely and guilty during this journey & the only thing that has helped is reading this book and connecting with other people in my life who have gone through something similar. Its so important to be validated and seen and to know that I am not the only one who is experiencing this. I am so thankful for Jennette for sharing this story.
I wonder if Jennette McCurdy has watched Bojack Horseman.
Oooo I was hoping you'd cover this book!!!
This review was SO helpful. Thank you
Hi Mickey! First of all, thank you for sharing your thoughts on this book. If it’s something you’re interested in speaking about, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the SA that she survived at the hands of her mother as I don’t think this is talked about nearly enough.
As someone who has both cut off an abusive parent and set boundaries for another, I’d love to hear more of your thoughts about how to handle relationships with abusive parents.
As a social work major (I almost have my masters woot woot!), I find your down to earth demeanor so refreshing and it is very much a reflection of myself as a professional.
You have helped validate how i feel about myself and my past through this review. Thank you 💕
I loved this book so much. Can’t wait to hear your thoughts
iCarly was one of my sister's favorite shows. I was a little older than the intended age group, but I remember it being such a regular part of our lives at the time when we were being abused by our mother as well. It's so sad to think that one of the best characters on the show was being played by someone going through things we couldn't have imagined.
That said, seeing a title like "I'm Glad My Mom is Dead" did something strange for me. I already knew I wasn't alone, but something about it...made me feel like I could breathe? I want to read the book but I don't know what my triggers are and the ones my friend warned me about sound like good contenders
you touched on so many things that I really appreciate in this video! I consider my childhood to be fairly decent, but there was absolutely emotional and verbal abuse going on from both parents that I didn't know was there until late teens and now early twenties. Especially with my mother. Boundaries are non-existent, I was forced into every type of sport you can imagine despite hating all of them (and now finding out I have a horrible genetic condition that explains why I always felt like shit and hurt as a kid and couldn't keep up with the others playing sports despite being good at them woo hoo), had to get perfect grades all the time cause I was the gifted child, the whole nine yards you know. However my parents are extremely loving, they deeply care about me and my brother and I've had so many good talks and heartfelt conversations with them.
So when I finally had that moment that Jeanette had that shattered my world view of my literal self described "perfect family" it was disastrous. Cause I had the same "all or nothing" thinking that the mainstream seems to have about CA: that your parents were great or they were abusers and horrible. No middle ground. Cut them out or love them forever. It took me so long to realize that my parents could be two things at once, that human beings are complicated and that they genuinely did not understand what they were doing to me and had their own mental health problems and personal struggles as a person. It does not excuse their actions, and it does not minimize my trauma, but they demonstrated to me over a long time that they were willing to understand and change and have expressed deep regret for hurting me in the past. I still have some issues with them of course, some trauma just doesn't go away, but we love each other and work with each other and I've never heard someone say that that grey area is valid before. So, thank you.
PLEASE don't get me wrong here, I am NOT saying that Jeanette "should've just worked through it with her mom" or "her mom was just a human being and was flawed", every single situation is different and her mom was, as she said, not willing to change. And the things she put Jeanette through were frankly horrifying. I'm just saying for my specific situation things happened to go to the grey area, and coming to the "my parents can be both decent parents, and have abused me in the past" was incredibly hard and complicated but very healing. I'd love to hear if this made any sense to read or if anyone else is going through something similar.
Micky: "Although I wanna be super clear"
Cat: "Meow (of course)"
Thank you so much for making this video and making this topic a conversation, I ordered the book and can't wait to read it.
As always you are so kind and well-spoken. Thanks for being a positive force in a world that can seem increasingly dark!
My mother suffered from bulimia. She fought it my whole life, but at the end of her life it was all-consuming. She had a cabinet full of laxatives. She had spent so much time vomiting she couldn't keep food down when she wanted to anymore; she would vomit up food even when she wasn't binging and trying to purge. She ended up with severe nutritional deficiencies, and ultimately she died as a result.
I did everything I could for her. I tried to get her into therapy, to talk about it. She knew she had depression/bipolar, but she felt that taking medication for that was sufficient and in her case it wasn't. Unfortunately my father was an enabler. He would buy her huge amounts of food and anything she wanted form the drug store without really thinking about what it was or what it was for. He wanted to be good to her; he didn't understand how giving her the tools to engage in the behavior was harmful. He didn't understand the disease or really comprehend that she had it.
She was 5'6" and 96lbs when she died.
Bulimia and other eating disorders are not something someone can just turn off. They're serious and they need to be taking seriously. The people who have them need help and support. Society at large and the mental health community need to gain a better understanding of what these disorders are, what they do, and how they can start. We need better tools for people suffering from them. I was 27 when my mother died and other than therapy through her insurance provider, I had no idea who to reach out to when I was looking for help for her. That still haunts me. It always will. Awareness is only a first step but it is a CRITICAL first step, to tackle the problem.
My mom died by suicide in dec. 28, 2015. It was very traumatic. I was very sick when she died and, I was on daily IVs using a wheelchair. This was all new to me. I also became very mentally ill. So, my mom did not treat me well. My therapists have described how she treated me as abus3. Some of her behavior alienated me from my family. She would sabotage my schooling, jobs...and mental health. She was cruel many times and we did not get along. It was sad. I spent many holidays alone and my family hated me because of things she said. When she died, I was devistated. But as time went on I was relieved. I was even happy. my family started to connect with me and I am able to pursue vocational interests unhindered. I am glad this woman admits she is glad her mom died. I know what she means. You can have mixed feelings about a death.
i've always been a big fan of Jennette McCurdy & now even more so after reading her book. i would have never guessed our childhood experiences were so alike... it is very comforting to know i'm not the only one who survived maternal abuse & still healing. it's been a long 7 years since i started therapy/healing, i know it'll be a lifelong journey but it's encouraging to know others have overcome the trauma.
i'm so glad Jennette survived♥
OMG I was hoping so hard you would make this video! Amazing book. I can't wait to hear what you have to say about it!
I am really glad that you talk about giving space for grief that came come in processing these things. I would like to say that it doesn’t just have to be in personally abusive situations. I have found, both in my work and with my friends, that it can also come when realizing that older members in your family are people, realizing that they are not infallible, realizing they don’t belong on that pedestal in our minds we inadvertently put them on. Most recently personally, I always had a great relationship with my grandmother growing up. But now I am an adult and I’m noticing so many things that she does that is just not okay. There are things she does and says that is just not okay, and she is nowhere near the space to fix or realize how wrong it is to think that way. I was angry with her that she was believing these things, and angry with myself for not noticing it sooner. I had to give myself space to grieve the person I grew up with, because that isn’t who she is anymore (if she ever was). There couldn’t be any reconciliation between who I used to see her as and what I am acknowledging her doing now, and that took a minute to process.