“I don’t want my kids to feel like they owe me anything” yup. I feel like my mom feels like I owe her everything and I’m like??? I didn’t ask to be born lady
This is the biggest thing. Like ohk... U forced me to be here and your doing whats expected of a parent (food shelter clothing yk BASIC NEEDS) but i need to give u something bck for.. Being a basic parent...?
Honestly is was so sad to watch people rip her online for simply writing a book about her abuse and titling it a, honestly, freeing title. The amount of people who don't realize that some of us don't get good parents, we get toxic and/or abusive ones is crazy. When I came out about how toxic my mom was and how mentally and emotionally abusive she was I got told that I "owed her" and "should be grateful" that she didn't physically abuse me, starve me, and put a roof over my head. Please, if you're reading this. YOU DO NOT OWE YOUR PARENTS FOR SIMPLY DOING THEIR JOB. THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO FEED YOU, CLOTHE YOU, AND PUT A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD. THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO TAKE YOU TO THE DOCTOR WHEN YOU ARE SICK. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE GRATEFUL BECAUSE THEY SIMPLY KEPT YOU ALIVE. ANY TRAUMA YOU SUFFERED IS VALID
I am so sorry that you were treated so horribly by your mother it really angers me that Jennette got backlash for telling her story she has every right to
People saying this shxt doesn’t deserve to have children. Like wtf do they think kids are supposed to be!!!??? PUPPETS!!!!??? DOLLS!!!??? ROBOTS!!!??? they’re not rag dolls ._. Those type of people are INSANE and just sick like ew Stay away from children
Perhaps the people who didn't find the humor in I'm Glad My Mom Died were expecting light-hearted, goofy, humor similar to that in iCarly, instead of the dark humor Jennette used to process her emotions.
giving birth doesn't automatically make you a good person and more importantly...doesn't make you a good parent. I never understood why some people think you should always honor and respect your mother/parents. Respect and honor must be earned. Kids never asked to be born- so if you want to be praised for doing the bare minimum keeping them alive or abuse them because they become inconvenient, just don't have them! I Great video BTW. I wish more mothers were like you ❤
The part that really stuck a knife into my soul and twisted was after her therapist explained that what her mom did was "abuse," and she had a hard time reckoning that with how she'd always thought her mom knew/wanted/did "what's best for me." I had a hard time coming to terms with a similar situation (not as severe) this past year, and realizing that my own mother doesn't know, want, or do, what's best for me. :( I still love her, but I'm learning to love from afar.
I think one of the hardest part about parent/kid relationships is that there can be a LARGE gap between intent and impact when it comes to parenting. I don’t know your situation, but I know for mine my mom didn’t intentionally hurt me, she loved me and wanted the best for me, but some of the decisions she made and actions she took ended up really negatively impacting me. All that to say, you’re not alone in feeling that way, and I hope you can find a good place with your mom soon.
If you've ever started to tell your friends a "funny story" from your childhood, and had to pause partway to say "this part's kinda f*cked up," before brushing over instances of abuse at the hands of others to get to the punchline... this book is 100% for you. You will laugh; you will cry; you will discuss parts of it with your therapist. 5 stars (And 4.5 for the audiobook version. Jennette does a GREAT job of narrating it herself, and I'm not usually a fan of author narrations.)
I recently told some colleagues a fun story from my childhood. After I was finished, there was this weird pause in the room that I couldn't really place, and then someone asked me: But you're not talking to your parents anymore, right? That confused me so much, that I had to ask him why he would think that. Since then, I catch myself thinking about what really happened that day more and more.
This hits. I used to tell funny "kinda fucked up" stories in therapy and would be met with a shocked face. The weirdest part of adulthood is realizing you had maybe four relationships in your entire life that weren't abusive
I was telling a funny story at work and it ended up with an uncomfortable silence broken by a coworker crying because she couldn't believe someone behaved that way with their kid. I started to console her because I didn't know what else to do in that situation.
My mom was not a good mother, but I knew she had a lot of mental health and drug abuse issues, so I didn’t hold a grudge. Honestly, I was sort of in denial. I felt worse about it as I grew up and met people who had functional families who cared about them and kept them safe, etc. Meanwhile, my parents were stealing my identity, not keeping the heat or water on, not buying food, living in a drug lab, letting me nearly die because they didn’t want to take me to the hospital when I was sick. Then I had kids and my mom started demanding things from me and my partner, like I was already overwhelmed with a baby and she’d ask me to pee in a cup for her drug test and give her twenty dollars. I just had this moment of fuck no, you are not going to insert yourself into my child’s life. She raged about how she’s my mother and I owe her and getting mad about how I wouldn’t let her take my kid anywhere with her. So I didn’t speak to her for five years. Now she lives thousands of miles away and doesn’t ask me for anything. We speak about three times a year on the phone. And she’s never even met my second child. The bar is pretty fucking low for being an acceptable parent and my goal is to not measure my parenting by just being better than my own parents. I don’t even want to be in the same building as that low ass bar.
The mommy pedestal is so bat crap crazy. I have been shamed for not bowing and scraping to drug addict who spread her legs to a dealer, for example. I know negligent parents investigated by CPS who tell me that I am incapable of love because I’m not a mom. My favorite is the person who ask why I didn’t stay with my ex until we had kids and my response was “because he tried to murder me.”
Man, that reaction to the 'Mom Sigh' I can 100% relate to that. Especially when I'm out in public with her, I get hyperfocused on makeing sure everything goes perfect and we go to every store/restaurant ect she wants to go and when someone inevitably gets on her nerves I feel its my fault because I didn't prevent it....looks like i have something new to discuss with my therapist 🙃
My mom was pretty physically abusive; at @ age 8 (while I was being smacked around & screamed at), I had the thought that she wasn't trying to "teach" me anything, she was just taking out her frustrations on me. I also thought, "I will never do that; I don't want to be her." When I had my first child (almost 30 years ago), I literally sat on my hands, so that I wouldn't spank her. My brother told me that it's like learning a second language, and to give myself time for it (ie, other ways to redirect "misbehavior," which was usually a toddler being a toddler) to come naturally. I KNOW I made other parenting mistakes, but I hope that my kids feel okay telling me about them (they have told me about some small things, usually pretty gently, and ouch that hurts, but I'd rather bear the sting then have them have to stuff the feelings).
It has been so hard for me personally to try to figure out where the line is between "my dad is an adult and therefore responsible for his actions. He should've known better" and "my dad is modelling the same behavior his parents showed him, and in some ways he just didn't know better". Unfortunately that seems to be a huge issue that most people grappling with generational issues and trauma tend to have to wrestle with at some point or another. How culpable is my parent, a grown ass human, for hurting me, when they're mirroring the same effed up behavior shown to them. I don't have a good answer for that question, and I don't think I ever will.
I struggle with it too. I think it is both. Like people have trauma, but they also should be responsible adult. Also it does not take a genius to recognize that your child is in pain and at least try to comfort them. Or not double down on the child for feeling pain.
The fawn reaction to feeling threatened socially is so true for emotional abuse survivors. When my husband sighs for whatever reason I immediately get this irrational stress that something is wrong and how it's probably my fault. Truth is he just has bad lungs from years of physical problems and was just taking a deep breath 😅 My mom was extremely abusive. She had this very black and white view of you. One day you're her angel, the next you're an ungrateful brat who needed to be punished. (Unprovoked) I legitimately get scared of Christmas and my birthday because I always cry. The cyclical stressors of those times of year lead me to break down nearly every time. My birthday is the worst, I become inconsolable I don't plan on becoming a parent until my mid 30s when I have a more secure financial standing. And I'm going to foster and adopt older children who dont have as much of a chance to be adopted. I have always wanted to since I was 16 years old. I've never wanted to have kids of my own What I learned from my mom when it comes to parenting? Don't act like it's the end of the world all the time and don't blame my future kids for my shortcomings. Oh, and don't threaten to crash the car killing us both. That one's pretty important
After reading it I texted my mother a heartfelt thank you for everything. Because for all the fighting I did with my mom when I was young, she was a saint next to Jannette’s mother.
People needs to be reminded that children are BORN AGAINST THEIR OWN WILL. LIKE THEY DIDNT CONSENT to be here .-. Let alone to be ABUSED!!!!???? What pisses me off is when I hear people hating on her calling her an ungrateful brat, and that just disgusting. I hope those people NEVER have any children, they literally don’t deserve to be parents if they think abusing your own child is okay. Children aren’t puppets, dolls or robots they’re HUMAN BEINGS. You don’t have a kid to force them to be something YOU want them to be. The kid will find themselves and grow to be the person THEY want to be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And so many people don’t understand that shxt yet. You don’t own them, this isn’t a business.
My parents feel so entitled to my care it's insane. I had a pretty bad childhood, especially in relation to my mom. I was babysitting my 6 year old sister 6 days a week for them when I was 12 so that they could bring my brother to hockey. That meant being responsible for making food for myself and Sam and making sure both of us did our homework and went to bed on time. I was super depressed at like 14 and my mom would tell me I was faking it or being childish and needed to grow up and get over it. At 15 my mom found out about my dad's decade long series of affairs and decided to stay with him but also started complaining to me and my (at the time) 13 year old brother about their troubles in therapy and started using us against him. As my brother got older, he started acting out more and that created an environment where my parents were constantly fighting, if not with each other than with my brother, which being depressed, anxious, and untreated for my problems was devastating for me. Once I left for college, the only time I went home for more than a week was for the first couple months of the pandemic, other than that, I basically live with my partner's family when we're not at our school apartment. Then when I went home for Christmas, my mom had the nerve to tell me that when she gets old I HAVE to take care of her and provide for her. I told her I spent my entire teen years raising Sam for her and that I don't owe her a damn thing. If I decide to contribute to her care, it's because I love her despite all the shit she's put me through, not because I owe her a cent. It turned into a big fight of "well we raised you and let you work to ride horses and kept a roof over your head" and me pointing out that I didn't as to be born and was extremely depressed for years to the point where I told them on multiple occasions that I wanted to die and nobody gave a shit and I spent nearly a decade feeling like all I was to them was a childcare tool for their youngest child whenever Colby had hockey or they wanted to go to concerts or whatever.
My mom feels the same. She has five kids but only expects her daughters to do all the care she requires. I took care of her last year.. I have never been so suicidal in my life. I honestly thought about canceling her to get out of it. I told her she'd be in a home before I ever even entertained the thought of taking care of her again. She was so awful to me. So abusive. And told me to cook for her after I returned home from a D&C. I'm NC now and I literally hate her, not an ounce of love left for her. Our parents don't realize that we owe them nothing and they CHOSE to have us. They deserve no "thank you" for doing a job they signed up for
I'm so glad you said that about EDs. I always hated the "people develop EDs because they want control" thing, because I absolutely did not develop my ED because of control. I developed it because I absolutely fucking DESPISED myself - then I had no mental energy to address that healthily, because I was constantly thinking about food and my body. I'm several years into recovery now, but that conversation with the ED never stops, you just become more aware of it and you learn how to win the argument against yourself quicker and more gently each time. Tbh I wish more authors understood that.
I have a difficult relationship with my dad but it was even worse when I was younger because he never respected any of my personal space boundaries. When I asked him to stop touching me, he would get offended. This went on for years and I still don’t like being touched. (To be clear, it was never in a sexual way or anything like that, just a very basic lack of respecting my boundaries.) I will not be having kids but with my nephews I try to be as respectful as possible of their personal space, making sure they know they don’t *need* to hug me when they see me, etc. It’s something I wish people had done for me when I was a kid.
@@echowoods7977 Letting people know they might be dealing with narcissistic people who do not value them and are a threat is important. My own narcissistic parent killed three people and nothing has been done yet. If you want to think I was doing a gotcha instead of saying watch out, that's on you. I've seen narcissistic people kill and rob people of thousands of dollars. My best friend's narcissistic mom pulled a gun on her and barely missed. I get people out of abusive situations on the regular. But thank you, good to know it's just a gotcha on someone's "dad".
fr. Relatives will violate kids' space as if it's owed to them and then not understand why that child doesn't know how to keep their hands to themself.
I cried too when Jeanette broke down in the audio book. The revelations that one can have once they are an adult about what was done to them by their parents when they were children is no joke. I resonated so much with Jeanette's descriptions of trying to defuse her mother and trying to be responsible for her mother's happiness. Never in all my attempts at therapy has anyone gotten as close to explaining my childhood experiences to me as Jeanette has.
My dad has actually killed people and tried to kill me multiple times so I definitely relate to this book. Infact, years before this book I joked about writing a massive novel when he dies about what he did basically titled the same.
@@Valeria-sx7uv I'm away from him and safer as of 2020. He still tries to come around but I'm learning my rights. Therapy is basically teaching me his death is the closure I'll need to sleep soundly without pills again.
I absolutely hate it when people go "but they're your FAMILY" when talking to people with toxic or abusive parents. Because it puts some sort of expectation on the survivor to "forgive and forget" and be there for their abusers in "tough times"...simply bc of a random chance. Nobody asks to be born or chooses the family they're born into. People don't owe anything to those who didn't respect them or who hurt them and never even owed up to it. And you can understand that people are certain way bc of the way THEY were raised but at the same time hold them accountable for continuing the circle. Understanding doesn't mean forgiving. "Not living with hate" doesn't mean forgiving. You can never forgive someone for what they've done to you but still can be at peace with it and not become bitter towards others, I think.
I hate it when people call abusive family members family. Because they’re not are they? They didn’t behave like a parent, they didn’t treat me like their kid, so why do they get to be called one?
Me and my sister would always talk about how our mum made us feel like the smallest and most pathetic person in the world, and then when she went to uni there was a period of just her and me a lot. I had thought I had managed to perfect my behaviour into not having her be angry or scream at me, as it had always been reinforced that we just triggered her short temper and that the blame was on us, and only really a year ago did the penny drop that nothing we ever did would be enough to stop her loosing her temper and belittling us.
I had the "cool mom" and was in denial that she emotionally messed me up. Then I had a son, and seeing myself in him was an epiphany of epic proportions. So needless to say I've been in therapy, he's also in therapy, and I'm grateful for it. (I loved the book and gifted it to a couple young family members)
I grew up with a narcissistic mother, except I realised as young as 7 that there was something off about my mother. By 13 I found out it was called narcissism. I held onto what little information I could collect. By 15, she had managed to convince me that her abuse was a normal thing for parents to do. I knew I hated "normal". I knew she was abusive, but apart of me wouldn't let me accept this... because I was being forced to depend on her for my own survival. After I turned 17, she kept me illegally socially isolated from the outside world for 5 years.... I had to call the police. She lied that she wasn't trying to murder me and told everyone I was trying to hurt myself.... I have no history of ever attempting to. I left and never went back.
My relationship with my mom messed me up. She died when I was 16 and a half, and I’m now 32. Yet, I didn’t realize until a couple months ago that I’ve been angry at her for the emotional neglect she gave me. I was never “good enough,” because I wasn’t innately intelligent like my brothers (which I hated). I had to work to achieve my goals and I’m plenty smart, but she never could see that.
This was the best book I've read in a long time. I have an abusive mother and this book just nailed that experience. The biggest thing I want to do for my kids is to have my own identity. Even now my mom makes it a point to try to be as similar to me as possible. My boyfriend got me a ReMarkable for Christmas so she had to buy one. She sees me in a cardigan, she goes and buys the same one in a different color. And these are innocuous, but there were also bigger things. Like she felt she couldn't pursue her dreams due to having at baby at 20, so she told me to become an attorney. And I did. And I don't like it. But I'm $200k plus in student loan debt so here we are. I don't want my kids to be an extension of myself. I want them to be their own people. I don't want them to feel like they have to make me happy. I want to see them happy and offer them a safe place to land when they're not. That's what I want.
You talking about how you can better yourself for your kids and take feedback, makes me think of my mom. Thanks Rachel, I'm sorry you went through something hard. My mother made mistakes but she owned up to them. My father was abusive and damn, he didn't apologize for all the pain he brought me and my family. It's hard looking at people with fathers and having a great relationship with them and look at me, I think I want to work on not letting bad memories trigger me. I have a long way to go.
You mentioned Charmed and jeez somehow that brought more of a reaction about my abusive mom than hearing about the book 😂 my mom has borderline and when she wasnt yelling at me and insulting me we watched a bunch of shows together, the last one was charmed before they kicked me out. I think the worst thing is i love the show and i want to finish it bc we never did, but even the thought of it. Just any time someone mentions charmed, im suddenly crying. I literally started crying just now, and i was not expecting that. Nothing to do with you, it just shocked me 😂
I am going to read the shit out of this book now. My mother, bless her heart, was not perfect. And, objectively, she knows that. But she's also the kind of person who's extremely judgy, and extremely defensive. Partly because she was abused by...can you guess? Her own mother. So while in one breath, she'll say she probably fucked me up in some ways, if I come to her with those ways she fucked me up, she'll spend her next breath vehemently defending herself from my "attack" on her. "Parenting didn't come with an instruction manual, I did the best I could, you weren't the perfect child either," she'd say, and has said when I've tried to have this conversation with her. So I think this book will be very cathartic for me, and will allow me to have, with this book at least, all the conversations I wish I could have with my imperfect mother.
Oh, when I have these conversations with my mom, I need to say to her something like "it does not make you a bad person, I know that you thought what you did was right and you had no recources and no ways to know better, but can we please work on X right now?"
I was a fan of iCarly, but I also have many friends with Debbie McCurdys in their lives and this book is such a wonderful, creative retelling of her childhood and the biggest "fuck you" to the child star industry. I made me cry laughing and from sadness, and I wish nothing but the best for her in the future.
my relationship with my parents was frought with me knowing something was wrong but for years not having the words to articulate it. i became depressed and suicidal and both of my parents treated it like a joke. i was being abused but at that point trusted neither of my parents enough to come to them for help. when i finally did, my parents let me down in their own unique ways. after saving myself, i resolved to never feel as helpless and unsafe as they made me feel. for a long time i went years without speaking to my parents. my mother eventually apologized and we started working on our relationship. even when things were hard, i felt her love and respect for me in a way i never felt as a kid. so i'm more willing to meet her half way. my father's disappointed me so much, crossed my boundaries so often, i've given up expecting anything of him. i feel like the relationship we have is very shallow, and i can't forgive him for how he's treated my siblings. i want more but now there's a block on my end that i kind of don't even want to examine and fix.
I'm very grateful for my mother. while I can see points where she could've done better, there's so much she did it right that I might not even realize! it was sometime in my late teens (I'm 23) that I realized that not everyone has a mother that's as great as mine, and it kinda came to me as a shock. great review! looking forward to reading this one!
I saw this in your Twitter and had to come watch. This is gonna be long. My mother passed away three weeks ago. I was also raised Mormon and growing up I was abused in every way; medically, physically, emotionally, sexually, and mentally. My mother wasn't responsible for the physical and sexual abuse, but in many ways her abuse was far worse. Like Jenette, I didn't realize what she had done to me my entire life was abuse until I was an adult- in my case, in my forties. I did not get an ED from the abuse (although weight and physical appearance were two of her go-tos) nor do I have OCD, but I did end up with CPTSD and GAD as well as physical disabilities from untreated injuries and deformities/diseases that were not followed up on. I was once badly injured right in front of her and my six year old little sister. My little sister knew I was injured instantly - my own mother didn't notice, and refused to take me to the doctor when I told her. As a result of this and various medical incompetence my injury did not get addressed for almost two decades, and I now have a permanent limp and ongoing problems directly as a result of it. I was also badly parentified by her (that six year old sister? Yeah, she was 'mine'. My mother had her, but I raised her. At age thirteen I was the one getting up in the middle of the night to change her diapers or feed her). My own mother literally called *ME* 'Mom'. I could seriously write my own book but I don't want to do that in your comments section. The sigh you did and talking about emotionally caretaking others around you and going into a spiral, yes. The section on Jennette defending her mother to others and saying how wonderful and amazing she was, yes. I did that as well. I identified so much with all of this that, other than the ED and OCD and the forced child acting she could have been writing about my mother. I have had no contact with my mother since the very beginning of 2020 and even when I've told people the extensive reasons why I have been told time and time again 'but that's your Mom!' and 'congratulations, you abandoned your mother. You're a selfish monster'. Even when she was on her death bed I had people expressing the opinion that I should 'put my feelings aside' because 'she needs you' and 'she's your mother'. I didn't, because I am worth more than that. Like Jennette, I'm glad my Mom is dead. Now I can stop worrying that she'll show up at my door begging me to take care of her again because I owed it to her for giving birth to me. I don't have children, and never wanted them. I raised my mothers' kids while I was a kid myself, and of course I made horrible mistakes because I was a literal child. Not having kids is my way of breaking the cycle. As far as I'm concerned, my younger sister is my child, and her small daughter is my grandbaby, and that's enough for me. I'm so glad, Rachel, that you are trying to do better for your own kids. Just in the trying, you've already done better and that's amazing. I added this book so hard to my audible it bruised my finger.
i like you baked.. this reminds me of those aussie stoner nights around a cheap ass glass top table outdoor setting where we have the most intense conversations of our lives... as a baked mum of much older children; it is the hope that my children will be proud of me. ive never thought that i was a great mother - im not june cleaver, im not marge simpson... i am troy dyer 20yrs later, my kids are safe in the knowledge that i may have missed a few beats, i am ultimately going to be there for them no matter what - not mother of the year. but ride or die, sword drawn.. building a minecraft house or dressing down the school administration because your gayass kid deserves the same as everyone else. keep it up
I've definitely had a difficult relationship with my mom too. She gave me BOTH anorexia and a binge eating disorder that I still battle every single day. And she wonders why I resent her, so much. 🙄
I was really drawn to the part where you talk about moms being beyond reproach and I've been having an internal conversation recently about calling parents "heroes". Never been a fan of when people are asked who are you heroes, they answer with their parents. To me, the word hero has a certain connotation that again, puts a person on a pedestal and makes them beyond reproach. And while my parents were fine and I love them very much they aren't my heroes, they're my parents. They did their best to raise me but I am not without my messiness due in part to them. So long way of saying yeah, parents and mothers especially should not be beyond reproach.
When you were talking about the therapy, and trying to do better for your own kids I was tearing up! The apologies to our children, matter. The work we're putting in is so important and I felt it so much. I've been on the fence about reading this, but I'm going to get a copy ❤️ and possibly use the devils lettuce while reading it 🤣
I couldn't agree more with what you said about EDs. I have never once felt in control during a binge. It took realizing what I had was an ED in the first place before I felt any semblance of the ability to prevent myself from spiraling into a binge.
I just read this book last week. Finished it in about a day. Flawless writing and wickedly relatable. I did some acting as a kid but could never really feel comfortable doing it, with the exception of a couple short films. But her explanation of feeling naked and vulnerable finally made it click. I always was confused because it's the dream of many kids to be actors, even just commercial work like I did, and I never fully enjoyed it. But my mom thankfully never made me do it, always asked before we did anything. But my mom while also loving and strong she was also terrifying. She had many rageful episodes similar and sometimes worse than the books moments. It was nice to be told it wasn't my fault. I'm 18 and being pushed into adulthood now with lacking support, since I really don't know how to adult yet. But seeing jennette mccurdy get through it gives me strength and hope. Love the video.
Me: minding my own business; listening to RUclips while going about my day This video and this book: here, have some free prompts for your next therapy session, I hope you’re taking notes! But like seriously, thank you, cause I honestly need that
@@ReadswithRachel I love your baked reviews so much LOL Also, this book was like a sucker punch to the gut. I loved it sm and I'm really excited to read Jennette's next book. In interviews she's said she's working on a novel and I'm hoping we don't have to wait long. She has a very natural talent for writing. 😊
I recently finished I'm Glad My Mom Died and thought it was really great, an impactful and often shocking read. I think it's important to give that insight into the lasting traumas and psychological damage that abusive parenting can have on a person. It effected her relationships, health, sense of self, her perceived value as a person and left very few corners of her life untouched. I agree wholeheartedly that we place mothers on a pedestal and motherhood in general, an expectation that women fulfill. And it also showed what generational damage and trauma looks like, Jenette is very brave to confront it and work to overcome it.
This left me crying (that could also be the start of my period lol). Knowing that I relate to both you and Jeannette was also really cathartic. Especially the part about managing your mother's emotions. I'm very slowly making through the audiobook but it's like both a blanket and a continuous punch in the gut at once.
I've been afraid to read this book because I am in therapy to process the emotional and psychological damage done unto me in my childhood. My mother exhibits narcissistic tendencies, even now. Because of her need from self gratification through her children's achievements, I've developed Mal adaptive Perfectionism in my young adult/adult life and exhibit OCD tendencies. I've also have depression that before my diagnosis and medication was suicidal. Hearing about this brings me hope these types of stories are normalized, but personally, I'm not sure if I'm mentally ready to read it. Someday I really hope to. I may end up waiting until my therapist feels I'm in a good headspace to accept it.
In answer to your question, my father was my abuser and I totally resonated with your learning to read body language. As the eldest it especially fell to me to make sure no one pissed him off
All I want as a parent is to do better for her than my mother did for me. I really felt it when you were talking about feeling the need to do damage control when you couldn't prevent your mom from getting upset. That was my experience my entire childhood. I'm the oldest of 4 and I was always trying to keep our mom from flying off the handle at me and my sisters. To this day I get anxious when I can't keep the peace even when that's not my job. This video is great Rachel, thank you for sharing.
I had so many of the same responses to this book. The opening chapters made me cry, like you said, it was spot on for me as a child and even now I'm the "peacekeeper" of the family. I'm trying very hard to break that. The ED brain too, god how exhausting. I had bad day with that yesterday and was thinking about this book! One of the things my husband and I try to repeat when we catch ourselves doing something unconscious with our daughter is "Break the trauma." Like you said, I don't want my little girl dealing with this when she's older. It's so much but it makes all of us better parents. You are a good Mom for wanting to be better and do better. From one Mom to another, I promise. ❤️
Growing up we only had my dad, and it's a very different situation having one parent. They're the law. No one checks them if they're wrong about something ever. Trying to pull apart all the aspects of "no one should've said that to a child or made them feel that way" with "he honest to god doesn't know better and doesn't know how to take advice" with "he's only capable of apologizing for things he didn't have control over" to now being an adult and because of my financial situation still having to live with him, recognizing that he's trying to do better without addressing any of it ever, and knowing from a young age I was on my own and with the toxic positivity coming from much of the extended family any time you tried to ask for help, well, it's tough.
I'm sorry for such a long story, but literally, NO ONE EVER talks about this. THIS is what I'm trying to do. I'm not a mom, but I'm in my 20s and have a brother who is 10 years younger than me(I have two more brothers but they're closer to my age, so a maternal relationship does not apply). And about half a decade ago, I decided to actively remove my youngest brother from the same problems I had with my mother growing up. The problem here is that my family has an umbrella narrative of mothers-can't-possibly-hurt-their-children. And none of my brothers or father consciously realize how abusive my mom is towards us. I am not being antagonistic here. I battle from intensely hating her to making unconditional excuses for her. It was actually my dad's relationship with his own mother that opened MY eyes to the strains in my own relationship with my mom. He would tell me about it, going through the same internal conflict I do. But he doesn't think the same problem applies to me. The most horrible I ever feel is when I realize I have unconsciously adopted my mother's abusive behavior. I get really disturbed, bc I have lived most of my own life absolutely HATING it. So yeah, I'm a mess. But my brother is still better off. He's not a saint, but he actively tells me off when he doesn't think I'm following the moral rules. And then we discuss my faults and his faults and agree on the best course of action. He loves our mom, but is not completely affected by her abuse. I don't think I would be able to have such conversations with my own children, so I try to tell myself to get my own shit together faster. But I decided a long time ago, that I would not have kids at any point in my life if I thought I wasn't mentally healthy enough, or I couldn't give them a healthier upbringing than what I got. I have dealt with financial issues and food scarcity, and mental health has as much weightage as those other problems.
I really resonated with what you said about eating disorders - I’ve been bulimic for over ten years (and was anorexic before that) and have never once felt in control of anything. And YES, they’re exhausting!! Exhausting and time consuming, having to think about it all the time and plan when to eat and when you can get rid of it, and who is where and which bathroom works best and blah blah blah, it’s such nonsense 🙄
Thank you for reviewing this book now I really need to read it a lot of what you said made me realize that a lot of things my mother did growing up we're abusive or just not OK but at the same time she also did her best taking care of me as she had a lot of generational abuse that came from her own mother so I am trying to sympathize with her and know that I got a pretty good life growing up compared to Janette. And also being a mom myself it made me even more want to make sure my son has emotional strength and stability and I never want him to feel like he owes me everything.
I should probably read this. I have a difficult relationship with my mother. Her family has a history of narcissistic behavior and she picked up on a lot of that, and when I challenged her on it as a child I was seen as a problem. And to give an idea how much of a "problem" I was outside of my family, I got weird looks in high school when I told other people that I'm not interested in drugs and never have been (to this day, in a recreational capacity I have not and refuse to do anything that isn't alcohol or weed, and even those substances I have done *mostly* situationally and lightly) and I avoided people who suggested I was lesbian or queer in ways that tried to rile me up (I'm pan, and had a crush on trans people and girls but avoided talking about or to most of my crushes, and even when I was dating a cis boy I was called "at least not racist"). Honestly the most assuming this about me was that I dressed "poor" because I mostly owned clothes that were gifted or hand-me downs, and constantly when I told my mom anything about my life, more often than not she assumed I was the issue. I have also been attacked by my mother during a PTSD episode because she also has that and used it as an excuse to tell me how ungrateful I am for having a roof over my head while dumping all her traumatic stories into my 12 y/o brain. I want my mom to do better, but it's incredibly hard to even talk to her about it, and I've just about given up on trying to be a daughter to her at this point. I don't plan on having kids currently, and if I end up changing my mind on that I'm most likely going to adopt, but that's not even going to be a question for me until I know I can help myself to be healthier and I know I can raise kids compassionately, preferably with a co-parent. I can't promise children an untraumatized life even if I did my best, but I would want to take more accountability for traumatic things that might come up more than my own mother had. I've literally been gaslight into doubting if I had almost drowned or experienced emotional neglect and it's upsetting to not feel like a person when that happens.
Growing up with an alcoholic bipolar mother, I grew up very anxious. It didn’t help I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD. I didn’t understand why my own mother (I tend to now try to call her by her name not mum) was drinking every night or would start fights with exs. I grew up with behaviours that were not ok and I went down a path that was not pretty behavioural wise towards people. At 16, I had a breakup and it made me realise that I can’t go on like this and I decided that enough is enough and to change myself to be a better me. I learnt to control my own temper and at times it’s hard still to not say things to people (adhd brain likes to blurt things out) but I am learning to hold back things. Growing up being emotionally neglected and having my needs not met took it’s toll on me and now I’m lucky to be seeing a psychologist (I see them today ironically) and I am dealing with my traumatic childhood. I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression due to my childhood. I have made a choice to not have kids because for me I get overwhelmed very quickly by them and I can’t handle them very well when they have meltdowns or tantrums.
Sorry, this is long.... This is difficult to verbalise: I miss my mum. She died nearly 10 years ago from leukaemia and I was 4 months pregnant with my child at the time. We had only recently (at the time) begun to have the relationship I actually needed from her, based on truth, respect and love, rather than me being closer to my dad and my sister being closer to my mum. I had always felt before that I wasn't good enough for her or that she didn't care * enough * that we could be 100% honest or that I could go to her with my problems (because, reasons) but we did eventually get there. After EDs, Depression, Anxiety happened first. Most of which I hid just a little too well from both parents. They were born in the 40s and were older parents when they had us and there was definitely a sense that they were products of their generation and their parent's generation as well. I knew that they loved me, but they weren't demonstrative parents in that way and it's something I really could have done with. So, something that I (we) really want to impart to my daughter is just how much I (we) really love her and support her - when she does great and when she makes mistakes or can't achieve something. And that we will always love her. Unfortunately I do catch myself spouting ED attitudes to food and weight out loud to her and I have to stop and correct myself "no, that's not right, Mummy is wrong here". Not only do I hope to avoid passing my (and my mother's) food/body issues on to her, but I also hope to instil the realisation that parents are not infallible fairly early on, even though we lead with knowledge and life experience. We try to do what is best, but we don't always get it right! And finally - there's no way to disguise from her now that Mummy has depression and that some days I just "can't". She knows I do my best to make sure she has everything she needs and 99.9% of the time she does and my husband catches what I miss. She does try to help me with hugs and kisses when mummy is 'too sad', but I also always tell her not to worry and it's not her job to make me better, though I do appreciate all the help she does give me, even if it's just putting the kettle on (she's 9 btw) because I'm too exhausted/depressed to move in that moment. And I let her know I appreciate it. It's a balancing act, because she loves me and wants to help, though I don't want her to parent/care for me either. I just really really hope she can avoid the mental illnesses that seem to be endemic in my genetics.
I read jennette memoir last month it was so heartbreaking at times for me to read my heart goes out to her im so glad that she decided to get help and leave the industry she's truly a survivor
I'm really excited to read this book. I'm sorry for all those who have experienced abuse. My mom's kinda a fixer, and dang am I glad the only real problem I have is ADD, but it's enough that I've developed several distancing mechanisms. And she wonders why we never really talk....
Thank you for talking about this. I am so sorry for what happened to you. Both my parents were abusive, but each in their own way. I never felt like a person to them. At best, I was a hardly tolerated guest, not a part of the family. This is not something just in my head, as my father told me often he would be glad when I went away again. My mother and father also said such things about me to others. Things were different for my 7-yrs younger sister somehow, though she never had it easy either. I still wonder what it is about me that is wrong. Why my parents could not just love me. I carry this with me still, that I cannot believe people would just like me or love me for me. I cut contact with them in 2019, and some family members keep telling me it was not that bad (while admitting to not knowing a whole lot and also not wanting to know more) and that maybe it was my own fault, and that they are my parents, so I should just get over it. Because they fed me (I have gone hungry many days as a teenager), and drove me to things and helped me move. Even a friend of mine said that my parents were still my parents, so maybe I should give them another chance. I am absolutely terrified now in my adult life. I prefer to avoid people, because then I cannot do anything wrong. I want children, but am so scared I will do the same or opposite kind of abuse to them. My partner says it will be okay, but he does not know or see the pain. His childhood was a dream, so no matter how much he tries, he will not be able to understand it. I am a piece of paper that has been torn and stained and wrinkled, and no amount of smoothing it out will undo the damage. But I am trying, one day at a time. With the support of my wonderful partner and his parents, who have managed to get through to me with their relentless and patient love.
Absolutely need to listen to this one, though probably when I know I'm in a good place to do so My mum... she could be worse, oh she could certainly be worse. And whilst I am grateful for that at least, she still not good She a narcissist, and the last couple of years has been me coming to terms with this and the very real fact that she has never, and will never, love me. Just what I can do for her The bit about.... you reading their expressions so well as you need to be responsible for THEIR emotions and reactions, gosh that alone hit me I remember, not even being 10 years old, and having to give things up or do certain things, because if I didn't, my mum would tantrum and sulk and pout like a toddler. At the time, I just assumed this was normal I guess. But looking back, it's so messed up To this day, I feel myself get super defensive whenever anyone, especially her, compliments my clothes or accessories because I'm scared they'll want to take them from me
Thanks for this video! It was really brave of you to share your personal experiences. I've always kind of thought it doesn't benefit moms either when society places them on a pedestal the way it does? Like, when we say that moms across the board are these selfless, saintly beings who give up everything for their kids, it puts them in this weird position of pressure not to have an identity outside of that, or else they're not considered a proper mother. I'm not saying this to distract or detract from the trauma that a lot of kids go through because of this idea, I just think it's kind of a shitty notion all around and I'm glad this book has got people talking about it.
Ooof. Wow. Yeah. Uhm I just had an epiphany and need to schedule a therapy appointment. I’ve never really been able to articulate to my husband why I’m so triggered by his mood shifts, but growing up with two emotionally volatile parents, I too remember being young and feeling like I needed to protect the peace and appease everyone. I still haven’t read this book, I want to, but the trigger warnings are basically my life history and I haven’t gotten the courage to, but I *really* want to now.
Things like this make me realize even more both how much i dont want to be a parent. I know me. I know my limits. I absolutely love and adore children, and the idea of parenthood is great, but i could never ever be a parent, at least how i am now. I grew up as the middle kid in a severely dysfunctional household, where everyone was abusive and being abused by each other, on top of having to be the protector of my younger siblings because my parents were deeply traumatized by their own parents. I also know that emotionally i am not capable of caring for a child because half the time i struggle caring for me
i swear i was subscribed to you. i relate to Jennette and I relate to you and watching you review this video i felt every word you said. our experiences are different and the same and i feel like we're both working to let go of what we went through. jennette's book was so needed for me. i'm glad i got it this year. and i'm glad you reviewed it.
My relationship with my mom was very similar to what's described in the book, and I was aware of how bad it was even at the time, so there was no major realization moment (except for the times I told stories from my childhood to my new friends in my 20s and they would just stare at me like "what?!"), but she had cancer since I was 11-12 and she passed away when I was 32, so even though I knew how f*cked up that whole thing was, I also didn't say anything, because she was ill and you are supposed to make concessions when people are ill. Thankfully, I have a very good relationship with my dad and my stepmom now. I didn't at some point, and then I did, but I also had to be very careful about dividing my time between them when I went to visit, because I would spend the whole day with my mom, and then go see dad in the evening for 2-3 hours, and she wouldn't be happy about that. My stepmom is the one who keeps telling me how much they love me, how beautiful and smart I am. It's less effective now, when I'm now 39, and damage has already been done decades ago, but I appreciate it all the same.
I’ve always thought my mom was the most beautiful woman in the world, still do. She has to raise three of us alone and she did and she imparted a certain strength and work ethic which we all three still live by. I just got Jennette’s book ok Audible looking forward to reading it! Thanks for all you do!
I feel this because though I don't have kids, I teach kids and I started to notice just the small little things my parents would do when dealing with my students and oh boy was that a lot to unpack. (It was mostly the sighs, and the kind of helicopter doting where its like now having to be conscious to like. Not do that lol)
It sounds like a rewarding book to read. Thank you for the review. As for your thoughts on why mothers are almost deified within out society, I find them convincing. I suspect that part of it is also that we're continuously bombarded with platitudes like 'motherhood is the most important/difficult job' and that it sinks in to kind of nudge us in that direction subconsciously.
Honestly, i don’t want kids. i’m fully happy never having children. i have a 7 year old brother and I do everything I can to lead as a good example to him and help my mom with him, but honestly being raised by my grandparents (abusive grandpa) really showed me i’m not equipped to have my own kids.
Thank you, Rachel, for the review and the recommendation. I didn't know who Jenette was, so I ignored this book, but I will read it now. Regarding biographies that make you see the world a bit differently, I would recommend Born a Crime by Trevor Noah. It shows an excellent example of a mother in the best way.
I've been watching your videos for awhile now and I love them, this is my first time commenting on one of your videos. I haven't read this book yet because when iCarly came out, I was too old to be part of the age demographic, and honestly if I do read it I wanna wait for the hype to die down. I think the book would probably be triggering for me because, while my mom and I are close, we've had our own difficulties. I also became hyper aware of her mood, and I believe I've developed a trauma response as a result of our fights and her temper. Unfortunately, I've had this response with other loved ones as well. I think some of my nightmares are also me working through this shit. My relationship with my mom has gotten better over the years. She still feels bad about that rough patch, but I don't want her to. I believe the man she was dating at the time--my dad's brother--had a lot to do with it. I haven't spoken to him since he and Mom split up. I loved hearing your insight as a parent and someone who was raised fundamentalist. It was also nice knowing that the book wasn't explicitly meant for people who had watched iCarly and knew who Jeanette McCurdy is. As someone who loves to write, it hurts knowing that she couldn't follow that passion when she was younger, but I'm glad she was able to write a book and have it published. Your review has made me want to read her book now.
Oof yea I mean my issues are more with my dad and I know I will make mistakes and mess up but I hope when I raise my kids I won’t make them feel responsible for my happiness and guilt trip them all the time
Oh man Rachel you are by far my favorite youtuber and I really appreciate the heart and effort you put into these videos. I have been having really bad anxiety and I feel like putting on a video and listening to you talk instantly chills me out and reminds me that there are good people creating good stuff. Thank you for all your amazing research and also opening up about your experiences with us. I also fully relate to how you feel and loved your perspective of using this knowledge to change how to talk to our kids.
I grew up with an emotionally abusive mother, and I cried so much reading this book because it mirrored a lot of my experience with coming to terms with my mom being abusive. It's insidious. The constant love bombing and emotional outbursts... I came to terms with my trauma through years of therapy and I wish everyone who saw themselves in Jeanettes story can heal.
I read the book now (aug 2024) and i am surprised by how many people who dosent Hate Jennettes mom after reading this book, she was a monster to everybody in the house. Jennette gets the worst of it but her brothers are not spared and the dad is domestically abused.
Ughh the compulsive thoughts. I sort of get it. I was obsessed with dying (In reality, I slowly was-lung failure) but I was compulsive with my lung treatments and medications. I did them constantly to try and eliminate those thoughts. It’s just awful. My drs thought it was great being so compliant but my mental health and anxiety was down the toilet. I’m medicated and had counselling but it can still be difficult
This book was very, very funny. The humor was dark, sure, but it was terrific. Awesome book, very heavy at times, hard to read, heartbreaking, but DAMN! I am so glad I read this. Jeannette is amazing.
I read it. And I’m waiting for the squeal where the dad titles his ‘Glad My Nut Job Wife Died’. Cause holy crap. Talk about a daughter’s perspective of living a life in where your joy and soul is sucked out.
Just started reading this book and I’m so excited to read it now after the revelations I’ve had about my mom over 2 years of consistent therapy 😂 also as a teacher to better show up for my kids as an adult figure in their lives.
our generation is putting so much work into breaking cycles of abuse and i'm so proud of us 😭
Yes that's so true
It’s about time. #nomore
#enoughisenough
🙏 About time!
“I don’t want my kids to feel like they owe me anything” yup. I feel like my mom feels like I owe her everything and I’m like??? I didn’t ask to be born lady
😂
my story exactly.
@@lilinectar29 so sorry to hear that
Dude.......this statement 10000000% agree
This is the biggest thing. Like ohk... U forced me to be here and your doing whats expected of a parent (food shelter clothing yk BASIC NEEDS) but i need to give u something bck for.. Being a basic parent...?
Honestly is was so sad to watch people rip her online for simply writing a book about her abuse and titling it a, honestly, freeing title.
The amount of people who don't realize that some of us don't get good parents, we get toxic and/or abusive ones is crazy.
When I came out about how toxic my mom was and how mentally and emotionally abusive she was I got told that I "owed her" and "should be grateful" that she didn't physically abuse me, starve me, and put a roof over my head.
Please, if you're reading this. YOU DO NOT OWE YOUR PARENTS FOR SIMPLY DOING THEIR JOB. THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO FEED YOU, CLOTHE YOU, AND PUT A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD. THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO TAKE YOU TO THE DOCTOR WHEN YOU ARE SICK. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE GRATEFUL BECAUSE THEY SIMPLY KEPT YOU ALIVE. ANY TRAUMA YOU SUFFERED IS VALID
I am so sorry that you were treated so horribly by your mother it really angers me that Jennette got backlash for telling her story she has every right to
People saying this shxt doesn’t deserve to have children. Like wtf do they think kids are supposed to be!!!??? PUPPETS!!!!??? DOLLS!!!??? ROBOTS!!!??? they’re not rag dolls ._. Those type of people are INSANE and just sick like ew
Stay away from children
Perhaps the people who didn't find the humor in I'm Glad My Mom Died were expecting light-hearted, goofy, humor similar to that in iCarly, instead of the dark humor Jennette used to process her emotions.
giving birth doesn't automatically make you a good person and more importantly...doesn't make you a good parent. I never understood why some people think you should always honor and respect your mother/parents. Respect and honor must be earned. Kids never asked to be born- so if you want to be praised for doing the bare minimum keeping them alive or abuse them because they become inconvenient, just don't have them! I Great video BTW. I wish more mothers were like you ❤
Yes I totally agree with you love and trust must be earned unfortunately my father never understood that I haven't seen him since I was 13 years old
The part that really stuck a knife into my soul and twisted was after her therapist explained that what her mom did was "abuse," and she had a hard time reckoning that with how she'd always thought her mom knew/wanted/did "what's best for me."
I had a hard time coming to terms with a similar situation (not as severe) this past year, and realizing that my own mother doesn't know, want, or do, what's best for me. :(
I still love her, but I'm learning to love from afar.
I think one of the hardest part about parent/kid relationships is that there can be a LARGE gap between intent and impact when it comes to parenting. I don’t know your situation, but I know for mine my mom didn’t intentionally hurt me, she loved me and wanted the best for me, but some of the decisions she made and actions she took ended up really negatively impacting me. All that to say, you’re not alone in feeling that way, and I hope you can find a good place with your mom soon.
If you've ever started to tell your friends a "funny story" from your childhood, and had to pause partway to say "this part's kinda f*cked up," before brushing over instances of abuse at the hands of others to get to the punchline... this book is 100% for you. You will laugh; you will cry; you will discuss parts of it with your therapist. 5 stars
(And 4.5 for the audiobook version. Jennette does a GREAT job of narrating it herself, and I'm not usually a fan of author narrations.)
I recently told some colleagues a fun story from my childhood. After I was finished, there was this weird pause in the room that I couldn't really place, and then someone asked me: But you're not talking to your parents anymore, right?
That confused me so much, that I had to ask him why he would think that. Since then, I catch myself thinking about what really happened that day more and more.
This hits. I used to tell funny "kinda fucked up" stories in therapy and would be met with a shocked face.
The weirdest part of adulthood is realizing you had maybe four relationships in your entire life that weren't abusive
I have done that so many times. I’m laughing at a horrible memory and the people around me are like “this is not funny go seek therapy pls”
I was telling a funny story at work and it ended up with an uncomfortable silence broken by a coworker crying because she couldn't believe someone behaved that way with their kid.
I started to console her because I didn't know what else to do in that situation.
My mom was not a good mother, but I knew she had a lot of mental health and drug abuse issues, so I didn’t hold a grudge. Honestly, I was sort of in denial. I felt worse about it as I grew up and met people who had functional families who cared about them and kept them safe, etc. Meanwhile, my parents were stealing my identity, not keeping the heat or water on, not buying food, living in a drug lab, letting me nearly die because they didn’t want to take me to the hospital when I was sick.
Then I had kids and my mom started demanding things from me and my partner, like I was already overwhelmed with a baby and she’d ask me to pee in a cup for her drug test and give her twenty dollars. I just had this moment of fuck no, you are not going to insert yourself into my child’s life. She raged about how she’s my mother and I owe her and getting mad about how I wouldn’t let her take my kid anywhere with her.
So I didn’t speak to her for five years. Now she lives thousands of miles away and doesn’t ask me for anything. We speak about three times a year on the phone. And she’s never even met my second child.
The bar is pretty fucking low for being an acceptable parent and my goal is to not measure my parenting by just being better than my own parents. I don’t even want to be in the same building as that low ass bar.
You made a smart choice kicking your mother out of your life
The mommy pedestal is so bat crap crazy. I have been shamed for not bowing and scraping to drug addict who spread her legs to a dealer, for example. I know negligent parents investigated by CPS who tell me that I am incapable of love because I’m not a mom. My favorite is the person who ask why I didn’t stay with my ex until we had kids and my response was “because he tried to murder me.”
Man, that reaction to the 'Mom Sigh' I can 100% relate to that. Especially when I'm out in public with her, I get hyperfocused on makeing sure everything goes perfect and we go to every store/restaurant ect she wants to go and when someone inevitably gets on her nerves I feel its my fault because I didn't prevent it....looks like i have something new to discuss with my therapist 🙃
Yep I reacted to the "mom sigh". Mom always made sure to tell me she was just sighing and she wasn't upset.
OH GOD SAME. I am stuck in that cycle so hard with my mom and idk if she even realizes it.
My mom was pretty physically abusive; at @ age 8 (while I was being smacked around & screamed at), I had the thought that she wasn't trying to "teach" me anything, she was just taking out her frustrations on me. I also thought, "I will never do that; I don't want to be her."
When I had my first child (almost 30 years ago), I literally sat on my hands, so that I wouldn't spank her. My brother told me that it's like learning a second language, and to give myself time for it (ie, other ways to redirect "misbehavior," which was usually a toddler being a toddler) to come naturally.
I KNOW I made other parenting mistakes, but I hope that my kids feel okay telling me about them (they have told me about some small things, usually pretty gently, and ouch that hurts, but I'd rather bear the sting then have them have to stuff the feelings).
It has been so hard for me personally to try to figure out where the line is between "my dad is an adult and therefore responsible for his actions. He should've known better" and "my dad is modelling the same behavior his parents showed him, and in some ways he just didn't know better". Unfortunately that seems to be a huge issue that most people grappling with generational issues and trauma tend to have to wrestle with at some point or another. How culpable is my parent, a grown ass human, for hurting me, when they're mirroring the same effed up behavior shown to them. I don't have a good answer for that question, and I don't think I ever will.
Basically all you can do is break the cycle
I struggle with it too. I think it is both. Like people have trauma, but they also should be responsible adult.
Also it does not take a genius to recognize that your child is in pain and at least try to comfort them. Or not double down on the child for feeling pain.
The fawn reaction to feeling threatened socially is so true for emotional abuse survivors. When my husband sighs for whatever reason I immediately get this irrational stress that something is wrong and how it's probably my fault. Truth is he just has bad lungs from years of physical problems and was just taking a deep breath 😅
My mom was extremely abusive. She had this very black and white view of you. One day you're her angel, the next you're an ungrateful brat who needed to be punished. (Unprovoked) I legitimately get scared of Christmas and my birthday because I always cry. The cyclical stressors of those times of year lead me to break down nearly every time. My birthday is the worst, I become inconsolable
I don't plan on becoming a parent until my mid 30s when I have a more secure financial standing. And I'm going to foster and adopt older children who dont have as much of a chance to be adopted. I have always wanted to since I was 16 years old. I've never wanted to have kids of my own
What I learned from my mom when it comes to parenting? Don't act like it's the end of the world all the time and don't blame my future kids for my shortcomings. Oh, and don't threaten to crash the car killing us both. That one's pretty important
After reading it I texted my mother a heartfelt thank you for everything. Because for all the fighting I did with my mom when I was young, she was a saint next to Jannette’s mother.
I love this! Tell your mom thanks from me
you don't owe her shit, she was just doing her job
@@makeart-notwar-6732 we can be more nuanced than this.
@@pompodorkii624 no
People needs to be reminded that children are BORN AGAINST THEIR OWN WILL. LIKE THEY DIDNT CONSENT to be here .-. Let alone to be ABUSED!!!!????
What pisses me off is when I hear people hating on her calling her an ungrateful brat, and that just disgusting. I hope those people NEVER have any children, they literally don’t deserve to be parents if they think abusing your own child is okay. Children aren’t puppets, dolls or robots they’re HUMAN BEINGS. You don’t have a kid to force them to be something YOU want them to be. The kid will find themselves and grow to be the person THEY want to be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And so many people don’t understand that shxt yet. You don’t own them, this isn’t a business.
My parents feel so entitled to my care it's insane. I had a pretty bad childhood, especially in relation to my mom. I was babysitting my 6 year old sister 6 days a week for them when I was 12 so that they could bring my brother to hockey. That meant being responsible for making food for myself and Sam and making sure both of us did our homework and went to bed on time. I was super depressed at like 14 and my mom would tell me I was faking it or being childish and needed to grow up and get over it. At 15 my mom found out about my dad's decade long series of affairs and decided to stay with him but also started complaining to me and my (at the time) 13 year old brother about their troubles in therapy and started using us against him. As my brother got older, he started acting out more and that created an environment where my parents were constantly fighting, if not with each other than with my brother, which being depressed, anxious, and untreated for my problems was devastating for me. Once I left for college, the only time I went home for more than a week was for the first couple months of the pandemic, other than that, I basically live with my partner's family when we're not at our school apartment. Then when I went home for Christmas, my mom had the nerve to tell me that when she gets old I HAVE to take care of her and provide for her. I told her I spent my entire teen years raising Sam for her and that I don't owe her a damn thing. If I decide to contribute to her care, it's because I love her despite all the shit she's put me through, not because I owe her a cent. It turned into a big fight of "well we raised you and let you work to ride horses and kept a roof over your head" and me pointing out that I didn't as to be born and was extremely depressed for years to the point where I told them on multiple occasions that I wanted to die and nobody gave a shit and I spent nearly a decade feeling like all I was to them was a childcare tool for their youngest child whenever Colby had hockey or they wanted to go to concerts or whatever.
My mom feels the same. She has five kids but only expects her daughters to do all the care she requires. I took care of her last year.. I have never been so suicidal in my life. I honestly thought about canceling her to get out of it. I told her she'd be in a home before I ever even entertained the thought of taking care of her again. She was so awful to me. So abusive. And told me to cook for her after I returned home from a D&C. I'm NC now and I literally hate her, not an ounce of love left for her. Our parents don't realize that we owe them nothing and they CHOSE to have us. They deserve no "thank you" for doing a job they signed up for
What you went through is called parentification and it is like very bad for kids mentally. Please, google it
I'm so glad you said that about EDs. I always hated the "people develop EDs because they want control" thing, because I absolutely did not develop my ED because of control. I developed it because I absolutely fucking DESPISED myself - then I had no mental energy to address that healthily, because I was constantly thinking about food and my body. I'm several years into recovery now, but that conversation with the ED never stops, you just become more aware of it and you learn how to win the argument against yourself quicker and more gently each time. Tbh I wish more authors understood that.
I have a difficult relationship with my dad but it was even worse when I was younger because he never respected any of my personal space boundaries. When I asked him to stop touching me, he would get offended. This went on for years and I still don’t like being touched. (To be clear, it was never in a sexual way or anything like that, just a very basic lack of respecting my boundaries.)
I will not be having kids but with my nephews I try to be as respectful as possible of their personal space, making sure they know they don’t *need* to hug me when they see me, etc. It’s something I wish people had done for me when I was a kid.
That's a red flag for narcissistic personality disorder.
God this hit REAL close to home for me haha
@@echowoods7977 Letting people know they might be dealing with narcissistic people who do not value them and are a threat is important. My own narcissistic parent killed three people and nothing has been done yet. If you want to think I was doing a gotcha instead of saying watch out, that's on you. I've seen narcissistic people kill and rob people of thousands of dollars. My best friend's narcissistic mom pulled a gun on her and barely missed. I get people out of abusive situations on the regular. But thank you, good to know it's just a gotcha on someone's "dad".
fr. Relatives will violate kids' space as if it's owed to them and then not understand why that child doesn't know how to keep their hands to themself.
I cried too when Jeanette broke down in the audio book. The revelations that one can have once they are an adult about what was done to them by their parents when they were children is no joke. I resonated so much with Jeanette's descriptions of trying to defuse her mother and trying to be responsible for her mother's happiness. Never in all my attempts at therapy has anyone gotten as close to explaining my childhood experiences to me as Jeanette has.
My dad has actually killed people and tried to kill me multiple times so I definitely relate to this book. Infact, years before this book I joked about writing a massive novel when he dies about what he did basically titled the same.
I hope you are now in a safe place!
@@Valeria-sx7uv I'm away from him and safer as of 2020. He still tries to come around but I'm learning my rights. Therapy is basically teaching me his death is the closure I'll need to sleep soundly without pills again.
I absolutely hate it when people go "but they're your FAMILY" when talking to people with toxic or abusive parents. Because it puts some sort of expectation on the survivor to "forgive and forget" and be there for their abusers in "tough times"...simply bc of a random chance. Nobody asks to be born or chooses the family they're born into. People don't owe anything to those who didn't respect them or who hurt them and never even owed up to it. And you can understand that people are certain way bc of the way THEY were raised but at the same time hold them accountable for continuing the circle. Understanding doesn't mean forgiving. "Not living with hate" doesn't mean forgiving. You can never forgive someone for what they've done to you but still can be at peace with it and not become bitter towards others, I think.
Also not talking about problematic stuff will just harm everyone in the long run
I hate it when people call abusive family members family. Because they’re not are they? They didn’t behave like a parent, they didn’t treat me like their kid, so why do they get to be called one?
Saving this video to send to my mum when I'm safe from dealing with the fallout
Me and my sister would always talk about how our mum made us feel like the smallest and most pathetic person in the world, and then when she went to uni there was a period of just her and me a lot. I had thought I had managed to perfect my behaviour into not having her be angry or scream at me, as it had always been reinforced that we just triggered her short temper and that the blame was on us, and only really a year ago did the penny drop that nothing we ever did would be enough to stop her loosing her temper and belittling us.
Oh gosh this breaks my heart. I’m so sorry.
I had the "cool mom" and was in denial that she emotionally messed me up. Then I had a son, and seeing myself in him was an epiphany of epic proportions. So needless to say I've been in therapy, he's also in therapy, and I'm grateful for it. (I loved the book and gifted it to a couple young family members)
I grew up with a narcissistic mother, except I realised as young as 7 that there was something off about my mother.
By 13 I found out it was called narcissism. I held onto what little information I could collect.
By 15, she had managed to convince me that her abuse was a normal thing for parents to do.
I knew I hated "normal". I knew she was abusive, but apart of me wouldn't let me accept this... because I was being forced to depend on her for my own survival.
After I turned 17, she kept me illegally socially isolated from the outside world for 5 years.... I had to call the police. She lied that she wasn't trying to murder me and told everyone I was trying to hurt myself.... I have no history of ever attempting to.
I left and never went back.
Literally just finished this today. What a doozie. We’re breaking the generational cycles and we should be damn proud 🧡🧡
IM SO PROUD OF YOU AND IM SO GRATEFUL YOUR KIDS HAVE YOU AS A MOM ILY
My relationship with my mom messed me up. She died when I was 16 and a half, and I’m now 32. Yet, I didn’t realize until a couple months ago that I’ve been angry at her for the emotional neglect she gave me. I was never “good enough,” because I wasn’t innately intelligent like my brothers (which I hated). I had to work to achieve my goals and I’m plenty smart, but she never could see that.
I am a mom and a lawyer and boy are there horrible women that shouldn’t be mothers. The things I’ve seen. Ahh!
Children don't owe their parents for bringing them into this world. Parents owe their children for subjecting them to this world.
@@LaineyBug2020 this
This was the best book I've read in a long time. I have an abusive mother and this book just nailed that experience. The biggest thing I want to do for my kids is to have my own identity. Even now my mom makes it a point to try to be as similar to me as possible. My boyfriend got me a ReMarkable for Christmas so she had to buy one. She sees me in a cardigan, she goes and buys the same one in a different color. And these are innocuous, but there were also bigger things. Like she felt she couldn't pursue her dreams due to having at baby at 20, so she told me to become an attorney. And I did. And I don't like it. But I'm $200k plus in student loan debt so here we are. I don't want my kids to be an extension of myself. I want them to be their own people. I don't want them to feel like they have to make me happy. I want to see them happy and offer them a safe place to land when they're not. That's what I want.
You talking about how you can better yourself for your kids and take feedback, makes me think of my mom. Thanks Rachel, I'm sorry you went through something hard. My mother made mistakes but she owned up to them. My father was abusive and damn, he didn't apologize for all the pain he brought me and my family. It's hard looking at people with fathers and having a great relationship with them and look at me, I think I want to work on not letting bad memories trigger me. I have a long way to go.
You mentioned Charmed and jeez somehow that brought more of a reaction about my abusive mom than hearing about the book 😂 my mom has borderline and when she wasnt yelling at me and insulting me we watched a bunch of shows together, the last one was charmed before they kicked me out. I think the worst thing is i love the show and i want to finish it bc we never did, but even the thought of it. Just any time someone mentions charmed, im suddenly crying. I literally started crying just now, and i was not expecting that. Nothing to do with you, it just shocked me 😂
I am going to read the shit out of this book now.
My mother, bless her heart, was not perfect. And, objectively, she knows that. But she's also the kind of person who's extremely judgy, and extremely defensive. Partly because she was abused by...can you guess? Her own mother. So while in one breath, she'll say she probably fucked me up in some ways, if I come to her with those ways she fucked me up, she'll spend her next breath vehemently defending herself from my "attack" on her. "Parenting didn't come with an instruction manual, I did the best I could, you weren't the perfect child either," she'd say, and has said when I've tried to have this conversation with her.
So I think this book will be very cathartic for me, and will allow me to have, with this book at least, all the conversations I wish I could have with my imperfect mother.
Yes, you were a perfect child. Just incase you didn't know that you...were perfect, it's us parents who are fucked.
Oh, when I have these conversations with my mom, I need to say to her something like "it does not make you a bad person, I know that you thought what you did was right and you had no recources and no ways to know better, but can we please work on X right now?"
I am SO HAPPY you noticed your child seeing your emotions and started telling them that it's mommy's responsibility to moderate her own feelings!!
I was a fan of iCarly, but I also have many friends with Debbie McCurdys in their lives and this book is such a wonderful, creative retelling of her childhood and the biggest "fuck you" to the child star industry. I made me cry laughing and from sadness, and I wish nothing but the best for her in the future.
I finally told my mother she wasn't 💩 in October. I'll be 40 in November - it's never too late y'all.
my relationship with my parents was frought with me knowing something was wrong but for years not having the words to articulate it. i became depressed and suicidal and both of my parents treated it like a joke. i was being abused but at that point trusted neither of my parents enough to come to them for help. when i finally did, my parents let me down in their own unique ways. after saving myself, i resolved to never feel as helpless and unsafe as they made me feel. for a long time i went years without speaking to my parents.
my mother eventually apologized and we started working on our relationship. even when things were hard, i felt her love and respect for me in a way i never felt as a kid. so i'm more willing to meet her half way.
my father's disappointed me so much, crossed my boundaries so often, i've given up expecting anything of him. i feel like the relationship we have is very shallow, and i can't forgive him for how he's treated my siblings. i want more but now there's a block on my end that i kind of don't even want to examine and fix.
I'm so sorry you went through that
I'm very grateful for my mother. while I can see points where she could've done better, there's so much she did it right that I might not even realize! it was sometime in my late teens (I'm 23) that I realized that not everyone has a mother that's as great as mine, and it kinda came to me as a shock.
great review! looking forward to reading this one!
I saw this in your Twitter and had to come watch. This is gonna be long. My mother passed away three weeks ago. I was also raised Mormon and growing up I was abused in every way; medically, physically, emotionally, sexually, and mentally. My mother wasn't responsible for the physical and sexual abuse, but in many ways her abuse was far worse. Like Jenette, I didn't realize what she had done to me my entire life was abuse until I was an adult- in my case, in my forties.
I did not get an ED from the abuse (although weight and physical appearance were two of her go-tos) nor do I have OCD, but I did end up with CPTSD and GAD as well as physical disabilities from untreated injuries and deformities/diseases that were not followed up on. I was once badly injured right in front of her and my six year old little sister. My little sister knew I was injured instantly - my own mother didn't notice, and refused to take me to the doctor when I told her. As a result of this and various medical incompetence my injury did not get addressed for almost two decades, and I now have a permanent limp and ongoing problems directly as a result of it. I was also badly parentified by her (that six year old sister? Yeah, she was 'mine'. My mother had her, but I raised her. At age thirteen I was the one getting up in the middle of the night to change her diapers or feed her). My own mother literally called *ME* 'Mom'. I could seriously write my own book but I don't want to do that in your comments section.
The sigh you did and talking about emotionally caretaking others around you and going into a spiral, yes. The section on Jennette defending her mother to others and saying how wonderful and amazing she was, yes. I did that as well. I identified so much with all of this that, other than the ED and OCD and the forced child acting she could have been writing about my mother. I have had no contact with my mother since the very beginning of 2020 and even when I've told people the extensive reasons why I have been told time and time again 'but that's your Mom!' and 'congratulations, you abandoned your mother. You're a selfish monster'. Even when she was on her death bed I had people expressing the opinion that I should 'put my feelings aside' because 'she needs you' and 'she's your mother'. I didn't, because I am worth more than that. Like Jennette, I'm glad my Mom is dead. Now I can stop worrying that she'll show up at my door begging me to take care of her again because I owed it to her for giving birth to me.
I don't have children, and never wanted them. I raised my mothers' kids while I was a kid myself, and of course I made horrible mistakes because I was a literal child. Not having kids is my way of breaking the cycle. As far as I'm concerned, my younger sister is my child, and her small daughter is my grandbaby, and that's enough for me. I'm so glad, Rachel, that you are trying to do better for your own kids. Just in the trying, you've already done better and that's amazing. I added this book so hard to my audible it bruised my finger.
*forgot to add religiously. Religious abuse/fundie abuse was definitely in there too.
12:55 "there's a second conversation happening in your brain" Oh girl I balled at this. Finally someone else gets it.
i like you baked.. this reminds me of those aussie stoner nights around a cheap ass glass top table outdoor setting where we have the most intense conversations of our lives... as a baked mum of much older children; it is the hope that my children will be proud of me. ive never thought that i was a great mother - im not june cleaver, im not marge simpson... i am troy dyer 20yrs later, my kids are safe in the knowledge that i may have missed a few beats, i am ultimately going to be there for them no matter what - not mother of the year. but ride or die, sword drawn.. building a minecraft house or dressing down the school administration because your gayass kid deserves the same as everyone else.
keep it up
I've definitely had a difficult relationship with my mom too. She gave me BOTH anorexia and a binge eating disorder that I still battle every single day. And she wonders why I resent her, so much. 🙄
im no contact (as much as i can be) w/ my mom so when first heard the title of Jennette's bk I was like 'ya valid'. can't wait to read it myself.
I’m no contact with my MIL. I feel you.
Let me know what you think once you read it
I was really drawn to the part where you talk about moms being beyond reproach and I've been having an internal conversation recently about calling parents "heroes".
Never been a fan of when people are asked who are you heroes, they answer with their parents. To me, the word hero has a certain connotation that again, puts a person on a pedestal and makes them beyond reproach. And while my parents were fine and I love them very much they aren't my heroes, they're my parents. They did their best to raise me but I am not without my messiness due in part to them. So long way of saying yeah, parents and mothers especially should not be beyond reproach.
This book was haunting!! I literally binged it in one sitting and Jennette narrating her own memoir took such courage, I'm just in awe
When you were talking about the therapy, and trying to do better for your own kids I was tearing up! The apologies to our children, matter. The work we're putting in is so important and I felt it so much. I've been on the fence about reading this, but I'm going to get a copy ❤️ and possibly use the devils lettuce while reading it 🤣
I couldn't agree more with what you said about EDs. I have never once felt in control during a binge. It took realizing what I had was an ED in the first place before I felt any semblance of the ability to prevent myself from spiraling into a binge.
I just read this book last week. Finished it in about a day. Flawless writing and wickedly relatable. I did some acting as a kid but could never really feel comfortable doing it, with the exception of a couple short films. But her explanation of feeling naked and vulnerable finally made it click. I always was confused because it's the dream of many kids to be actors, even just commercial work like I did, and I never fully enjoyed it. But my mom thankfully never made me do it, always asked before we did anything. But my mom while also loving and strong she was also terrifying. She had many rageful episodes similar and sometimes worse than the books moments. It was nice to be told it wasn't my fault. I'm 18 and being pushed into adulthood now with lacking support, since I really don't know how to adult yet. But seeing jennette mccurdy get through it gives me strength and hope. Love the video.
Me: minding my own business; listening to RUclips while going about my day
This video and this book: here, have some free prompts for your next therapy session, I hope you’re taking notes!
But like seriously, thank you, cause I honestly need that
Around 8 minutes you say, "Smoke more, cry less," and God I need that on a Tshirt LOL
If I were ever to make merch I stg that’s on the TOP OF THE LIST
@@ReadswithRachel I love your baked reviews so much LOL
Also, this book was like a sucker punch to the gut. I loved it sm and I'm really excited to read Jennette's next book. In interviews she's said she's working on a novel and I'm hoping we don't have to wait long. She has a very natural talent for writing. 😊
SHES WORKING ON A NOVEL?! We are truly blessed and she is our patron saint
I recently finished I'm Glad My Mom Died and thought it was really great, an impactful and often shocking read.
I think it's important to give that insight into the lasting traumas and psychological damage that abusive parenting can have on a person. It effected her relationships, health, sense of self, her perceived value as a person and left very few corners of her life untouched.
I agree wholeheartedly that we place mothers on a pedestal and motherhood in general, an expectation that women fulfill. And it also showed what generational damage and trauma looks like, Jenette is very brave to confront it and work to overcome it.
This left me crying (that could also be the start of my period lol). Knowing that I relate to both you and Jeannette was also really cathartic. Especially the part about managing your mother's emotions. I'm very slowly making through the audiobook but it's like both a blanket and a continuous punch in the gut at once.
OH SNAP I WAS STARTLED TO HEAR MY NAME LMAO hello I am Laura and I am now a huge fan of you
LAURAAAAA!!!!! Hi 😄
I've been afraid to read this book because I am in therapy to process the emotional and psychological damage done unto me in my childhood. My mother exhibits narcissistic tendencies, even now. Because of her need from self gratification through her children's achievements, I've developed Mal adaptive Perfectionism in my young adult/adult life and exhibit OCD tendencies. I've also have depression that before my diagnosis and medication was suicidal. Hearing about this brings me hope these types of stories are normalized, but personally, I'm not sure if I'm mentally ready to read it. Someday I really hope to. I may end up waiting until my therapist feels I'm in a good headspace to accept it.
In answer to your question, my father was my abuser and I totally resonated with your learning to read body language. As the eldest it especially fell to me to make sure no one pissed him off
All I want as a parent is to do better for her than my mother did for me. I really felt it when you were talking about feeling the need to do damage control when you couldn't prevent your mom from getting upset. That was my experience my entire childhood. I'm the oldest of 4 and I was always trying to keep our mom from flying off the handle at me and my sisters. To this day I get anxious when I can't keep the peace even when that's not my job. This video is great Rachel, thank you for sharing.
I had so many of the same responses to this book. The opening chapters made me cry, like you said, it was spot on for me as a child and even now I'm the "peacekeeper" of the family. I'm trying very hard to break that. The ED brain too, god how exhausting. I had bad day with that yesterday and was thinking about this book!
One of the things my husband and I try to repeat when we catch ourselves doing something unconscious with our daughter is "Break the trauma." Like you said, I don't want my little girl dealing with this when she's older. It's so much but it makes all of us better parents.
You are a good Mom for wanting to be better and do better. From one Mom to another, I promise. ❤️
Welp this made me cry. 😭 I appreciate parents like you so much.
@@ReadswithRachel You're in that group with us! So thank you! 😊
Growing up we only had my dad, and it's a very different situation having one parent. They're the law. No one checks them if they're wrong about something ever. Trying to pull apart all the aspects of "no one should've said that to a child or made them feel that way" with "he honest to god doesn't know better and doesn't know how to take advice" with "he's only capable of apologizing for things he didn't have control over" to now being an adult and because of my financial situation still having to live with him, recognizing that he's trying to do better without addressing any of it ever, and knowing from a young age I was on my own and with the toxic positivity coming from much of the extended family any time you tried to ask for help, well, it's tough.
I know this is off topic but I *LOVE* the lilac on you!! Your makeup is always perfect!!
I'm sorry for such a long story, but literally, NO ONE EVER talks about this.
THIS is what I'm trying to do.
I'm not a mom, but I'm in my 20s and have a brother who is 10 years younger than me(I have two more brothers but they're closer to my age, so a maternal relationship does not apply). And about half a decade ago, I decided to actively remove my youngest brother from the same problems I had with my mother growing up.
The problem here is that my family has an umbrella narrative of mothers-can't-possibly-hurt-their-children. And none of my brothers or father consciously realize how abusive my mom is towards us. I am not being antagonistic here. I battle from intensely hating her to making unconditional excuses for her.
It was actually my dad's relationship with his own mother that opened MY eyes to the strains in my own relationship with my mom. He would tell me about it, going through the same internal conflict I do. But he doesn't think the same problem applies to me.
The most horrible I ever feel is when I realize I have unconsciously adopted my mother's abusive behavior. I get really disturbed, bc I have lived most of my own life absolutely HATING it.
So yeah, I'm a mess. But my brother is still better off. He's not a saint, but he actively tells me off when he doesn't think I'm following the moral rules. And then we discuss my faults and his faults and agree on the best course of action. He loves our mom, but is not completely affected by her abuse.
I don't think I would be able to have such conversations with my own children, so I try to tell myself to get my own shit together faster. But I decided a long time ago, that I would not have kids at any point in my life if I thought I wasn't mentally healthy enough, or I couldn't give them a healthier upbringing than what I got.
I have dealt with financial issues and food scarcity, and mental health has as much weightage as those other problems.
I really resonated with what you said about eating disorders - I’ve been bulimic for over ten years (and was anorexic before that) and have never once felt in control of anything. And YES, they’re exhausting!! Exhausting and time consuming, having to think about it all the time and plan when to eat and when you can get rid of it, and who is where and which bathroom works best and blah blah blah, it’s such nonsense 🙄
Thank you for reviewing this book now I really need to read it a lot of what you said made me realize that a lot of things my mother did growing up we're abusive or just not OK but at the same time she also did her best taking care of me as she had a lot of generational abuse that came from her own mother so I am trying to sympathize with her and know that I got a pretty good life growing up compared to Janette. And also being a mom myself it made me even more want to make sure my son has emotional strength and stability and I never want him to feel like he owes me everything.
I should probably read this. I have a difficult relationship with my mother. Her family has a history of narcissistic behavior and she picked up on a lot of that, and when I challenged her on it as a child I was seen as a problem. And to give an idea how much of a "problem" I was outside of my family, I got weird looks in high school when I told other people that I'm not interested in drugs and never have been (to this day, in a recreational capacity I have not and refuse to do anything that isn't alcohol or weed, and even those substances I have done *mostly* situationally and lightly) and I avoided people who suggested I was lesbian or queer in ways that tried to rile me up (I'm pan, and had a crush on trans people and girls but avoided talking about or to most of my crushes, and even when I was dating a cis boy I was called "at least not racist"). Honestly the most assuming this about me was that I dressed "poor" because I mostly owned clothes that were gifted or hand-me downs, and constantly when I told my mom anything about my life, more often than not she assumed I was the issue. I have also been attacked by my mother during a PTSD episode because she also has that and used it as an excuse to tell me how ungrateful I am for having a roof over my head while dumping all her traumatic stories into my 12 y/o brain.
I want my mom to do better, but it's incredibly hard to even talk to her about it, and I've just about given up on trying to be a daughter to her at this point. I don't plan on having kids currently, and if I end up changing my mind on that I'm most likely going to adopt, but that's not even going to be a question for me until I know I can help myself to be healthier and I know I can raise kids compassionately, preferably with a co-parent. I can't promise children an untraumatized life even if I did my best, but I would want to take more accountability for traumatic things that might come up more than my own mother had. I've literally been gaslight into doubting if I had almost drowned or experienced emotional neglect and it's upsetting to not feel like a person when that happens.
Growing up with an alcoholic bipolar mother, I grew up very anxious.
It didn’t help I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD.
I didn’t understand why my own mother (I tend to now try to call her by her name not mum) was drinking every night or would start fights with exs.
I grew up with behaviours that were not ok and I went down a path that was not pretty behavioural wise towards people.
At 16, I had a breakup and it made me realise that I can’t go on like this and I decided that enough is enough and to change myself to be a better me.
I learnt to control my own temper and at times it’s hard still to not say things to people (adhd brain likes to blurt things out) but I am learning to hold back things.
Growing up being emotionally neglected and having my needs not met took it’s toll on me and now I’m lucky to be seeing a psychologist (I see them today ironically) and I am dealing with my traumatic childhood.
I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression due to my childhood.
I have made a choice to not have kids because for me I get overwhelmed very quickly by them and I can’t handle them very well when they have meltdowns or tantrums.
Sorry, this is long....
This is difficult to verbalise: I miss my mum. She died nearly 10 years ago from leukaemia and I was 4 months pregnant with my child at the time. We had only recently (at the time) begun to have the relationship I actually needed from her, based on truth, respect and love, rather than me being closer to my dad and my sister being closer to my mum. I had always felt before that I wasn't good enough for her or that she didn't care * enough * that we could be 100% honest or that I could go to her with my problems (because, reasons) but we did eventually get there.
After EDs, Depression, Anxiety happened first. Most of which I hid just a little too well from both parents. They were born in the 40s and were older parents when they had us and there was definitely a sense that they were products of their generation and their parent's generation as well. I knew that they loved me, but they weren't demonstrative parents in that way and it's something I really could have done with.
So, something that I (we) really want to impart to my daughter is just how much I (we) really love her and support her - when she does great and when she makes mistakes or can't achieve something. And that we will always love her. Unfortunately I do catch myself spouting ED attitudes to food and weight out loud to her and I have to stop and correct myself "no, that's not right, Mummy is wrong here". Not only do I hope to avoid passing my (and my mother's) food/body issues on to her, but I also hope to instil the realisation that parents are not infallible fairly early on, even though we lead with knowledge and life experience. We try to do what is best, but we don't always get it right!
And finally - there's no way to disguise from her now that Mummy has depression and that some days I just "can't". She knows I do my best to make sure she has everything she needs and 99.9% of the time she does and my husband catches what I miss. She does try to help me with hugs and kisses when mummy is 'too sad', but I also always tell her not to worry and it's not her job to make me better, though I do appreciate all the help she does give me, even if it's just putting the kettle on (she's 9 btw) because I'm too exhausted/depressed to move in that moment. And I let her know I appreciate it. It's a balancing act, because she loves me and wants to help, though I don't want her to parent/care for me either.
I just really really hope she can avoid the mental illnesses that seem to be endemic in my genetics.
I read jennette memoir last month it was so heartbreaking at times for me to read my heart goes out to her im so glad that she decided to get help and leave the industry she's truly a survivor
I'm really excited to read this book. I'm sorry for all those who have experienced abuse. My mom's kinda a fixer, and dang am I glad the only real problem I have is ADD, but it's enough that I've developed several distancing mechanisms. And she wonders why we never really talk....
Thank you for talking about this. I am so sorry for what happened to you.
Both my parents were abusive, but each in their own way. I never felt like a person to them. At best, I was a hardly tolerated guest, not a part of the family. This is not something just in my head, as my father told me often he would be glad when I went away again. My mother and father also said such things about me to others. Things were different for my 7-yrs younger sister somehow, though she never had it easy either. I still wonder what it is about me that is wrong. Why my parents could not just love me. I carry this with me still, that I cannot believe people would just like me or love me for me. I cut contact with them in 2019, and some family members keep telling me it was not that bad (while admitting to not knowing a whole lot and also not wanting to know more) and that maybe it was my own fault, and that they are my parents, so I should just get over it. Because they fed me (I have gone hungry many days as a teenager), and drove me to things and helped me move. Even a friend of mine said that my parents were still my parents, so maybe I should give them another chance. I am absolutely terrified now in my adult life. I prefer to avoid people, because then I cannot do anything wrong. I want children, but am so scared I will do the same or opposite kind of abuse to them. My partner says it will be okay, but he does not know or see the pain. His childhood was a dream, so no matter how much he tries, he will not be able to understand it. I am a piece of paper that has been torn and stained and wrinkled, and no amount of smoothing it out will undo the damage. But I am trying, one day at a time. With the support of my wonderful partner and his parents, who have managed to get through to me with their relentless and patient love.
Absolutely need to listen to this one, though probably when I know I'm in a good place to do so
My mum... she could be worse, oh she could certainly be worse. And whilst I am grateful for that at least, she still not good
She a narcissist, and the last couple of years has been me coming to terms with this and the very real fact that she has never, and will never, love me. Just what I can do for her
The bit about.... you reading their expressions so well as you need to be responsible for THEIR emotions and reactions, gosh that alone hit me
I remember, not even being 10 years old, and having to give things up or do certain things, because if I didn't, my mum would tantrum and sulk and pout like a toddler. At the time, I just assumed this was normal I guess. But looking back, it's so messed up
To this day, I feel myself get super defensive whenever anyone, especially her, compliments my clothes or accessories because I'm scared they'll want to take them from me
It breaks my heart to think about what happened to her and her siblings
Love your point about the humour in it. It's almost like if you're not the type to go "I wish I was dead lol" you won't get it
“Smoke more, cry less” I want that on a t-shirt lol
Honestly same
I noticed I did something similar to the reaction to the 'mom sigh' but more for my dad's mood/temper. Even in my behaviour towards other
Thanks for this video! It was really brave of you to share your personal experiences. I've always kind of thought it doesn't benefit moms either when society places them on a pedestal the way it does? Like, when we say that moms across the board are these selfless, saintly beings who give up everything for their kids, it puts them in this weird position of pressure not to have an identity outside of that, or else they're not considered a proper mother. I'm not saying this to distract or detract from the trauma that a lot of kids go through because of this idea, I just think it's kind of a shitty notion all around and I'm glad this book has got people talking about it.
Ooof. Wow. Yeah. Uhm I just had an epiphany and need to schedule a therapy appointment. I’ve never really been able to articulate to my husband why I’m so triggered by his mood shifts, but growing up with two emotionally volatile parents, I too remember being young and feeling like I needed to protect the peace and appease everyone. I still haven’t read this book, I want to, but the trigger warnings are basically my life history and I haven’t gotten the courage to, but I *really* want to now.
I've read it twice now, it's insanely good and insanely sad
1. FLAVOR OF LOVE. WHY WERE WE SO INTO THAT???
2. Couldn’t agree more with your thoughts!
Things like this make me realize even more both how much i dont want to be a parent. I know me. I know my limits. I absolutely love and adore children, and the idea of parenthood is great, but i could never ever be a parent, at least how i am now. I grew up as the middle kid in a severely dysfunctional household, where everyone was abusive and being abused by each other, on top of having to be the protector of my younger siblings because my parents were deeply traumatized by their own parents. I also know that emotionally i am not capable of caring for a child because half the time i struggle caring for me
This self awareness and honestly is so vitally important and I appreciate it
i swear i was subscribed to you. i relate to Jennette and I relate to you and watching you review this video i felt every word you said. our experiences are different and the same and i feel like we're both working to let go of what we went through. jennette's book was so needed for me. i'm glad i got it this year. and i'm glad you reviewed it.
I love this review. Thank you for sharing your narrative.
My relationship with my mom was very similar to what's described in the book, and I was aware of how bad it was even at the time, so there was no major realization moment (except for the times I told stories from my childhood to my new friends in my 20s and they would just stare at me like "what?!"), but she had cancer since I was 11-12 and she passed away when I was 32, so even though I knew how f*cked up that whole thing was, I also didn't say anything, because she was ill and you are supposed to make concessions when people are ill. Thankfully, I have a very good relationship with my dad and my stepmom now. I didn't at some point, and then I did, but I also had to be very careful about dividing my time between them when I went to visit, because I would spend the whole day with my mom, and then go see dad in the evening for 2-3 hours, and she wouldn't be happy about that. My stepmom is the one who keeps telling me how much they love me, how beautiful and smart I am. It's less effective now, when I'm now 39, and damage has already been done decades ago, but I appreciate it all the same.
I’ve always thought my mom was the most beautiful woman in the world, still do. She has to raise three of us alone and she did and she imparted a certain strength and work ethic which we all three still live by. I just got Jennette’s book ok Audible looking forward to reading it! Thanks for all you do!
Angelia I hope you love it as much as I did 🥹💕
I feel this because though I don't have kids, I teach kids and I started to notice just the small little things my parents would do when dealing with my students and oh boy was that a lot to unpack. (It was mostly the sighs, and the kind of helicopter doting where its like now having to be conscious to like. Not do that lol)
I needed this video so bad
It sounds like a rewarding book to read. Thank you for the review. As for your thoughts on why mothers are almost deified within out society, I find them convincing. I suspect that part of it is also that we're continuously bombarded with platitudes like 'motherhood is the most important/difficult job' and that it sinks in to kind of nudge us in that direction subconsciously.
Honestly, i don’t want kids. i’m fully happy never having children. i have a 7 year old brother and I do everything I can to lead as a good example to him and help my mom with him, but honestly being raised by my grandparents (abusive grandpa) really showed me i’m not equipped to have my own kids.
Yeah I feel the same way I don't want to or feel the need to be a mother due to my traumatic childhood
Fair and valid.
I just read this the other day. It was uncomfy, but I couldn’t put it down
Thank you, Rachel, for the review and the recommendation. I didn't know who Jenette was, so I ignored this book, but I will read it now. Regarding biographies that make you see the world a bit differently, I would recommend Born a Crime by Trevor Noah. It shows an excellent example of a mother in the best way.
Oh I’ve heard such good things! It’s been on my shelf forever, my husband loved it so I know I will too.
I've been watching your videos for awhile now and I love them, this is my first time commenting on one of your videos. I haven't read this book yet because when iCarly came out, I was too old to be part of the age demographic, and honestly if I do read it I wanna wait for the hype to die down. I think the book would probably be triggering for me because, while my mom and I are close, we've had our own difficulties. I also became hyper aware of her mood, and I believe I've developed a trauma response as a result of our fights and her temper. Unfortunately, I've had this response with other loved ones as well. I think some of my nightmares are also me working through this shit. My relationship with my mom has gotten better over the years. She still feels bad about that rough patch, but I don't want her to. I believe the man she was dating at the time--my dad's brother--had a lot to do with it. I haven't spoken to him since he and Mom split up.
I loved hearing your insight as a parent and someone who was raised fundamentalist. It was also nice knowing that the book wasn't explicitly meant for people who had watched iCarly and knew who Jeanette McCurdy is. As someone who loves to write, it hurts knowing that she couldn't follow that passion when she was younger, but I'm glad she was able to write a book and have it published. Your review has made me want to read her book now.
Can’t read it yet but I’m behind her 1000 percent! Hits us mums differently for sure, Idk how anyone could do that to their baby💔
Oof yea I mean my issues are more with my dad and I know I will make mistakes and mess up but I hope when I raise my kids I won’t make them feel responsible for my happiness and guilt trip them all the time
I've got this one on hold at the library
Oh man Rachel you are by far my favorite youtuber and I really appreciate the heart and effort you put into these videos. I have been having really bad anxiety and I feel like putting on a video and listening to you talk instantly chills me out and reminds me that there are good people creating good stuff.
Thank you for all your amazing research and also opening up about your experiences with us. I also fully relate to how you feel and loved your perspective of using this knowledge to change how to talk to our kids.
I grew up with an emotionally abusive mother, and I cried so much reading this book because it mirrored a lot of my experience with coming to terms with my mom being abusive. It's insidious. The constant love bombing and emotional outbursts... I came to terms with my trauma through years of therapy and I wish everyone who saw themselves in Jeanettes story can heal.
I read the book now (aug 2024) and i am surprised by how many people who dosent Hate Jennettes mom after reading this book, she was a monster to everybody in the house. Jennette gets the worst of it but her brothers are not spared and the dad is domestically abused.
Ughh the compulsive thoughts. I sort of get it. I was obsessed with dying (In reality, I slowly was-lung failure) but I was compulsive with my lung treatments and medications. I did them constantly to try and eliminate those thoughts. It’s just awful. My drs thought it was great being so compliant but my mental health and anxiety was down the toilet. I’m medicated and had counselling but it can still be difficult
This book was very, very funny. The humor was dark, sure, but it was terrific. Awesome book, very heavy at times, hard to read, heartbreaking, but DAMN! I am so glad I read this. Jeannette is amazing.
I read it. And I’m waiting for the squeal where the dad titles his ‘Glad My Nut Job Wife Died’. Cause holy crap. Talk about a daughter’s perspective of living a life in where your joy and soul is sucked out.
Just started reading this book and I’m so excited to read it now after the revelations I’ve had about my mom over 2 years of consistent therapy 😂 also as a teacher to better show up for my kids as an adult figure in their lives.
We love a mom that bakes 🙌🌲