Enneagram: People Pleasers & Cardboard Relationships
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- Опубликовано: 8 сен 2024
- Transformational Enneagram & Relationship Coaching
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Dr. Tom LaHue is a graduate of Florida Christian College. He holds 3 Master's Degrees including an MDiv from Liberty Univ. His Doctoral degree is from Grace College and Seminary. He is also a certified Marriage Coach. He and his wife Traci have been married since 1991. They are the proud parents of 5 children and 5 grandchildren.
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As a 6w5 I avoid conflict at all costs. That is my biggest fear as a 6. Not the apocalypse or some sort of catastrophe...conflict and anger. I lived with my alcoholic ex husband for over a decade knowing that I needed to save myself and our son and couldn’t do it out of fear of the fighting and fall out. During this decade of my life I also walked on eggshells and tried to be perfect to avoid the anger I knew I would receive. I ended up breaking out in hives from the stress/worry. I am now in a relationship with a 7w6 who has been a true gift from God. This video was helpful in realizing some things I am still doing to avoid conversations I don’t want to have. Thank you.
what is 6w5?
I wonder if a weekly "airing of the grievances" would be a benefit for couples.
"Garden of Eden" is just an illusion. Kind people must develop healthy boundaries. People always take advantage of nice people.
Yes, I think you are correct.
Weak people take advantage of overly nice people...
I like the image used, cardboard 2D relationships. Conflict is part of life. It is true, especially the intimacy part, when going in and working out the conflict, communicating... I always feel closer with the person afterwards. It can be rewarding.
Thanks dr Tom, for your reminder to be present to life.
6w5. Criticism & anger trigger a lot of anxiety & fear in me.. I tend to avoid confrontation at all costs 😥. Thank you for sharing. Very helpful info
Ditto. I will "do" confrontation if necessary but will do almost anything to avoid it. :P
Exactly what was on my mind , came back from card night and that invisible yet so palpable tension was so there .
I do a lot of self censorship something I'm wanting to change . I find it difficult to move from risk management mode to there it is , honest and expressive in the moment mode . Thanks for making this !
Glad to help Douglas.
Im a 4 and have issues with people pleasing then I thought I need to face conflict head on or I will continue being taken advantage of. I started being mean and defensive like my parents. Or I secretly objected and did things to make them mad. Never started yelling though 🤞🏼. No middle ground. 😅 avoiding your hurt feelings only breeds resentment and eventually an explosion. now I’m reading books on how to be vulnerable and soft while keeping boundaries. It’s been helping alot. “I hear you” by Michael Sorinson is a good book on how to validate/hear others correctly and resolve conflict
I think any relationship WILL cost you sacrifice to some amount. But it all boils down to how much can I be myself and be authentic AND all of that in alligment to my partners needs. If there is never a conflict than there couldn,t possilby be intimacy. Like there can,t exist light without darkness. Gr Hans
Me whenever I try to connect honestly with any of my many siblings lol.....we all have abandonment issues. Its exhausting to talk to any of them.
I had a series of dreams where I was somewhere, just enjoying the experience, and then something threatening showed up (for example a bomb or cannibals) and I had to quickly stuff whatever I could salvage into my bag and get out of there as fast as I could. I think that's how my subconscious thinks of anger: it's an explosion, or it will consume you! Salvage what you can and get out of there. Any self-esteem left? grab it and go, cut your losses and get out of there now go go go
Thank you for this video. I would really like to know, does this tendency seem to be the most prevalent amongst 9s?
Yes, 9s and 2s.
This is a good video. Being in church gives ideas of getting along without saying anything in anger. Its difficult for me not to be direct when someone starts something in a heated discussion i disagree with.
WOW! SO HELPFUL! Thank you.
You're welcome!
This sort of mature discourse is impossible and crazy making with someone who has no desire or ability to communicate back in this way. Once you spot these covert uncooperative deceivers(perpetual victims) you should begin planning your exit strategy. You will never communicate in a healthy way with these a-holes.
Great content! Thank you🤝🌺
Welcome 👍
My little sister is a 5, she cannot handle anger and does everything in her ability to avoid it in her relationship. An argument to her is so awful and traumatizing. I’m an 8 and it’s hard to understand that for me....
Interesting. 5s sometimes use friendliness as camouflage. "I was friendly with you, now move along."
Such a insightful video, thank you Dr. Lahue
You are very welcome
Hey, I'm a Patreon and I've seen out the back window! :D Great video!
milkweed6 lol I did too ;)
REALLY been enjoying your Ennegram breakdown videos!! It has been a real blessing as I've been processing my complex trauma experiences and my coping over the years.
My question is regarding your statement about pain being a part of the journey and learning. Are you SPECIFICALLY referring to marriage and children primarily. I've put myself out into the world for years being honest, open, and real. It has resulted in many abuses and pain that has now made me gun shy as I've been working thru my trauma for the last year and half after 40 years of brokeness. What's MAY be worse is I'm a 3w2. It seems today's world narrative is VERY discouraging toward being true self BUT rather be part of the herd and ill-informed cause OR you WILL BE CANCELLED.
I'm uncertain how to proceed in community these days other than keeping to myself in order to avoid further activation and pain!
Joseph Parton wow even enneagram 3 suffers from this , amazing .....maybe you're slipping into your outhouse which would be enneagram 9 .
Also you got wing 2 , enneagram 2 are professional people pleasers . You could develop your wing 1 and set boundaries like for instance you could try stuff that usually works on the people that are part of your tribe first then if you're feeling brave you could move on to the people that disapprove .... Tough journey !
Thanks for your comments, Joseph. I am a 6w7 and sometimes I appear like a 2. Please keep up your spirits. There are many fine, sincere people in the world who will appreciate you. Pray for guidance (if you pray) or simply seek out new friends. You may be surprised at how many great folks are waiting to appreciate your gifts!
Note: May not apply to consistently unsupportive people.
A really beautiful video, thank you.
Many thanks!
May be if I hadn't that fear of disappointing people, and people's rage it makes me more pleasing people. If I knew how to deal with conflicts I propably wouldn't be a 2 in enneagramme
Yeeeeeeeooouuuuccchhhhh!
I hate people pleasing
I hate pretending
3:10, lol sounds like you are talking about inferior/demon/3year old "Se", as for INFJ and INTJ. Also fits what you directly are pointing to also of course!
TheAwakenedINFJ
Oh yeah inferior Se indeed !