I searched out videos out of sheer desperation tonight. Yours is the best I’ve heard so I subscribed. All my life, I’ve been quiet,, partly out of lack of speaking skills , partly ( and mostly) out of fear of others reactions. My Dad was explosive , and we were scared to death of his outburst. My beautiful Mom, was submissive and frightened. I’m now JUST LIKE MY Mom. I’m 71, and finding life harder than ever, and ppl run all over me. Nothing I say or do is respected or “ heard”. So I’m approaching this prayerfully but determined to change. It’s so overwhelming now it’s affecting my health.
Wow Stephanie. You must have gone through a lot. I'm glad you are taking the steps to get better. You're finally doing something for you and that's what matters the most.
1 Make sure you are calm and under control before starting the conversation 2 Say what needs to be said as directly and respectfully as possible 3 Use " I " language (not "you " language) 4 Be a good listenner
I recognize that sometimes I try to speak through others. I'm going to really try to defeat that instinct and attempt to focus more on being assertive, no matter how painful it is.
I recently realized I am passive/aggressive with people who are very emotionally reactive. I grew up in a emotionally volatile home….so I tend to avoid conflict with those types of people. That phrase will help me. Thank you!!
I'm a naturally assertive communicator 👍 These tips are my natural style and I agree: It's best to listen patiently, be direct without being aggressive and communicate your interests.
Alex, this is GOLD. Thank you. The bit about "patiently listening" hit home with me. While I do try to wait and let others finish before I speak again, that urge to "jump in and react" is very real, especially in times of conflict or heated debate. I would rate myself as Assertive, but in the past, I would've definitely communicated in a passive-aggressive way, as I used to struggle with putting my true thoughts and feelings into words that had sticking power. God Bless, brother!
@@alexanderlyon I'd love to collab with you on this topic, if you're interested. My thoughts are bringing in things like: mental filters, cognitive bias, experienced-based and environment-based learned behaviors, and the perceptive of self vs. other people - into the mix. I realize that your niche is geared toward communication and leadership coaching. And communication is a primary means that people use to evaluate what type of person they "think" they're dealing with, while also letting it help determine how they'll interact, etc. Perception. Interpretation. While mine is Christian counseling and teaching, I see a lot of overlap where we could combine our niches into broader applications. 🙂
@@alphamegaradio If it's welcome, on RUclips, there's a 3-part conversation between Jiddu Krishnamurti, David Bohm, Rupert Sheldrake, and a therapist whose name I forgot. The video title is "The nature of the mind" and it delves deep into how we think, and what we think. How we tell ourselves what reality is about and how we communicate our views.
It took until this year that I had to learn how communicate better and set my boundaries. I am passive aggressive and Impulsive at times which I release that it destroys a lot of my relationship and how to communicate with others. So at this age I’m practicing in on how to learn on becoming a better communicating and better person. 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Here’s my conundrum. While I have gotten a lot better at arguing, in the past it has been SO easy to shut me down if I tried to assert anything. I’ve noticed people throughout my life who didn’t have any trouble with asserting their needs are good communicators. They also seem to be able to come up with things that would never cross my mind no matter how hard I thought about something. You get beat down all your life or are at a loss for words when it’s most needed just makes it hard to be assertive.
Thank you Alex, I am a mix of passive and assertive. Passive to avoid conflict but when I am passionate and knowledgeable about something I become more assertive. Thanks for the tips. I will definitely use them.
This was was more helpful than I expected, especially your point about giving someone "two jobs" by using an unhelpful style. I noticed I used to be very passive aggressive, but in the last few years my confidence shot up and it's like I overshot the mark into more aggressive (at least initially if emotions are higher). It seemed positive and not aggressive mostly because I had been so used to the other extreme. Good points here, thanks!
Good video. I would add the following critical points. 1. Try to agree and find some common ground with your opponent. If you disagree with everything said others will hate you. 2. Debate the points and rather than destroy the credibility of your opponent. The only exception is if someone claims to be an expert witness. 3. Try to smile and be pleasant. Have strong data to support your points. 4. Get small admissions from your opponent to lead them to a point when they can no longer refute your point. Like a chess master, think of your points many moves out. 5. If not supportive to your position, rather than directly answering your opponents questions instead make statements to weaken your opponents claims or strengthen yours.
I am a Muslim and while I was watching the video, I realized how beautifully Islam teaches and encourages us to talk assertively. I also realized that I am an assertive speaker by nature :) Your representation was very helpful and clear. I hope to learn much more. Thanks for your hard work!
I used to be passive aggressive communicator without awareness, I intended to avoid and minimise the conflicts. However as I learned from this lesson, if one doesn't let their expression out in an assertive way, the true feeling underneath the behaviour will hardly be seen. I also learned the importance of using "I" language which needs not only lots of self-awareness but practice! Thanks for this precious lesson, it surely helps out people who want to have a communication skill, the most importantly, with the clear and geniune conversation, it helps the world become a more peaceful world.
I recognize now that I've been doing quite a bit of passive-aggressive communication! But those tips on assertive communication are waow! I'll have to listen several times more and practice consistently to replace the old. Many thanks Alex and kudos for a really great video!
Wow, under this definition, I fear I may fall into the passive-aggressive category far more often than I'd like. I definitely want to become more of the assertive communicator when it comes to difficult situations, and I'm hopeful I'm moving in that direction. I love what you said about control. A friend of mine whose marriage is struggling said that we shouldn't go into marriage expecting the other to change, to which I wholeheartedly agreed, but then he said that we cannot really change ourselves. I eventually stopped him and clarified that I disagreed on that point because I am the only person I can change, and I can definitely change myself.
There’s a great little book on Amazon entitled, “Hoots and Grunts” that addresses common everyday communication flubs that we make that can push others away from us.
Great show today, thank you! I've learned a lot here and made some improvements in my speaking. I have had many problems being essertive and it used to get me in trouble because by the time I got to being essertive I'd be upset and would start to be overwhelmed and say things that didn't make me look very good. I'm working on this all the time and am making improvements.
@Anthony Maund. I truly mean no offense, but I had to laugh about your excellent, very clear, and sort of "cartoonish" description of how communication flows, or not, in your experiences, and that becoming assertive took you a while so that when you were ready to speak your mind, while upset, overwhelm took over. Our sense of identity with freedom in tow is closely connected to the throat. Words are like boomerangs, it's only when I speak my words that I can hear myself tell the truth or try to cover it up, beating around the bush. I've attended communication training in sync with the use of one's intuitive abilities, and physical awareness. The freezing that occurs during a conversation is often how we hold on to "shutting down" a form of dis-empowerment, as I see it Although it may happen in an unconscious way, in the space where fear is present and attempts to suppress it. Expressed by stuckness in the throat. Once I offer myself the right to speak up, without the programming others have left, or still imprint in me, those which I allow to affect me, by being empathic, but too open, or co-dependent, I don't have to fall off my standpoint, pun intended. I hope I'm right, that you've figured out how you brought it on yourself, by the manner in which you shared your comment, with precise detail in what you experienced. That's great. I hope you feel confident more, also due to this helpful video of Alex Lyon. I'm inspired too, learning from Alex's manner of observations.
Me too, ad an INFJ and adhd I’m always restructuring how I communicate as it’s absolutely been a life struggle. Thank you. Finding balance, some people just tune out. 🦉
It’s a eye opener for me. Thanks for clearly eliciting most overlooked mistakes we make (I make 😊) when having conversations at work or in personal life.
I was raised in an abusive household where we were literally forbidden to ask for the things we needed. This caused me to become passive aggressive in my interactions. I am working on becoming more assertive, and this video was very helpful. I wrote an essay about what it what like to be raised this way, and I will share it below in a separate reply. *Trigger Warning* Do not click on the reply below if you are sensitive to child abuse and neglect.
Our mother fancied herself as a child psychologist, despite having no education in this field. She developed strange beliefs regarding how children should be ‘trained’, and we kids were routinely subjected to bizarre forms of psychological trickery devised to manipulate or punish us. Many of mom’s mental games and weird rules seemed to be purposely designed to escalate my abuse, leave me without recourse, and protect my abusers from repercussions. One of the ways she trained us was to never ‘reward’ crying… or at least when it came to me. Whether or not I was crying for a legitimate reason did not matter; mom claimed that giving me any validation would just ‘teach me to cry to get my way’. This rule enabled my brothers to abuse me with complete impunity; they would simply escalate their abuse until they drove me to tears; knowing that once I cried, my fate was sealed; no matter what they had done, I would be the one blamed. Steven took particular and perverse pleasure in the act of pushing me to my breaking point. He would fuck with my head by pretending to encourage me not to cry; “Oh no, Sandra! Are you gonna CRY!? Don’t DO it! C’mon, it’s not too late; you can still suck it up if you TRY!” This so-called ‘encouragement’ only made me cry faster, and once I had succumbed, my brother would then pretend to console me, “Aw, is that all you got? Too bad, Sandra. You didn’t try hard enough. Better luck next time.” Being trapped in this no-win cycle absolutely ENRAGED me; and the more frustrated and upset he could make me, the more gleeful my brother would become. Steven learned the art of mental manipulation from our mother; if she were to initiate an interaction with us, we could be sure there was a hidden agenda, or she was setting us up for some type of ‘gotcha’ that could be used against us. Being a ‘stay at home mom’ offered our mother the time and freedom to devise these mental traps, which were often elaborate and strategically planned. Our mother never worked a job and spent most of her time in bed, yet she still found this level of dereliction to be inadequate; she resented how we kids would interrupt her non-activity with appeals for facilitation, food, or protection. Our mother wanted to completely free herself from the burden of hearing our requests, seeing how she was only going to deny them anyway. So, to better streamline her neglect, mom implemented a new rule… …we kids were now forbidden to ask our mother for anything; whether it be a signature, medical care, school supplies, it didn’t matter; we were simply not allowed to approach her at all. When our mother declared this new rule, she told us she was no longer going to even ‘listen to our demands’ because doing so would only ‘teach us to ask for stuff’; as though acknowledging a child’s request for a Band-aid was the equivalent of negotiating with terrorists. Not only were we forbidden to ask our mother for the things we needed, we were also denied alternative access to these guarded resources. We kids were expected to just ignore our needs, and mom seemed to resent us for even having them: Let's say we asked our mother to feed us; our mother didn’t see us as hungry children who simply wanted food; instead, she saw us as greedy, vindictive kids who were ‘being hungry on purpose’ just to piss her off. In her mind, any good child would recognize that our mother’s desire to be undisturbed was more important than their own selfish need for food. Our mother twisted every situation so it was all about her; even our attempts to kill ourselves were taken as a personal affront; when mom discovered 8-year-old me hiding in my closet, eating cleanser, her only thoughts were for herself. If, by some miracle, our mom relented to perform even the smallest parental duty, her resentment was EPIC, and she would make us feel guilty for it. I swear, if our mom had devoted a fraction of the effort that she put into blaming and shaming us into our ACTUAL CARE, we might have turned out okay. As our mother’s favorite, my sister could best get away with questioning mom’s new rule. When Sharon asked mom how we were supposed obtain the things we needed if we were not allowed to ask for them, our mother told us that we just had to wait for her to offer it. This was met with stunned silence. We kids were already so neglected… and now we were supposed to just wait, and HOPE our mom would suddenly notice all the ways that we were lacking? We kids could literally die while waiting for mom’s help. This may sound like hyperbole, but it’s not. Even before we were officially forbidden to seek our mother’s help, we had already learned that we couldn’t trust mom to intervene on our behalf, no matter how dire the circumstances. Mom has turned a blind eye to our suffering for as long as I can remember; when we were being brutally beaten and were screaming for help, our mother just stayed in bed and pretended not to hear us. And when my sister needed her nose cauterized, our mother was fully aware of the fact that Sharon had been bleeding profusely, for hours at a time, day after day. But instead of taking her to the hospital, mom sent Sharon outside to bleed and made her feel guilty about how many paper towels she was using. Mom didn’t seem to care how much blood Sharon lost, so long as she didn’t have to deal with the mess or witness her suffering. In the end, our neighbor, Gigi (who worked as a nurse) noticed that Sharon was hemorrhaging and brought her to the ER. Instead of being grateful to Gigi for saving Sharon, our mom was furious, and forbid us to ever talk to Gigi again. This new rule trapped us in another no-win situation with our mother; we were forbidden to approach our mother with our problems, so we didn’t. But whenever one of these unaddressed problems ‘came back to bite her’, we would suddenly find ourselves in trouble for NOT coming to her; she would scream, “What, am I expected to be a mind-reader??” and accuse us of setting her up to be blindsided with the exact kind of situation she had forbidden us to approach her with in the first place. Unfortunately, this new rule had even more far-reaching effects when it was applied to me: One day, I was outside playing and our neighbor gave their kids popsicles and they were kind enough to offer me one too. For the neighbor’s kids, getting a popsicle was no big deal, but for me, that popsicle would have been the highlight of my summer. I remember sitting on the curb with my popsicle, feeling like I was the luckiest kid ever… …until mom called me in from the kitchen window. She accused me of asking our neighbor for the popsicle. I tried to tell mom that it had been offered to me, but she didn’t believe me. She snatched the popsicle out of my hands and threw it in the trash. Then she slapped my face and called me a ‘beggar’. She said that because I was a liar, she was creating a special new rule… I was forbidden to accept anything from anyone whether they had offered it to me or not. This rule didn’t apply to the other kids, just me. If someone offered my siblings and I snacks, I would have to say, ‘I’m not allowed’ and everyone would tease me with their treats. But if I accepted the snack, my siblings would tell on me and I would be punished. Even at school, if someone had a birthday and brought cupcakes for the class, I would have to say, “I’m not allowed,” and try not to cry while I watched the other kids enjoy their treats. My mother strove to maintain absolute control over my ‘care’ while simultaneously resenting the responsibility of providing it. She gave me no alternative but to rely on her… …and then punished me for needing her. After ensuring that she was the sole source of my means, my mother would place unnecessary obstacles between me and these resources, and my survival hinged on figuring out how to overcome these barriers. In the movie, ‘War Games’, a nuclear war is narrowly averted when a supercomputer realizes it is trapped in a no-win situation and declares, “Strange game; the only winning move is not to play”. Like the computer, I realized I was trapped, yet I had no choice but to play mom’s games because she had all the power and I had none. Again, my sister’s autism was the superpower that saved her from this fate; Sharon’s thinking was very black and white; she simply didn’t understand the subtleties and nuances of our mother’s mental games. Sharon’s inability to ‘think deceptively’ forced mom to have actual, honest interactions with my sister, lest she have to confront her own deceptiveness. Also, Sharon wasn’t as dependent on our mother as I was; if anything, mom depended on HER. My sister was the one performing the lion’s share of mom’s parental duties, so mom couldn’t upset Sharon without risking this freedom. When interacting with mom, it wasn’t enough to listen to what she said, my salvation depended on my ability to figure out what she MEANT. My attempts to interpret the true meaning behind my mother’s words was anxiety-inducing, exhausting and quite often, futile. ***** “Head games, that’s all I get from you, head games, and I can’t take it anymore” -Foreigner, ‘Head Games' If you made it this far, thank you for reading.
@@quarteracreadventures855 this is horrifying child abuse. I pray you have (or will have) good help in overcoming the effects of this massive trauma. May you find all the comfort and healing you deserve
@@Prinzenelleke Thank you for your kind words. *trigger warning* My oldest brother committed suicide 3 years ago. This may sound like a bad thing, but for me, it was actually a godsend. Steven was an absolute monster. When I was child, he would rape me and then urinate on me just for fun. His death caused me to feel (almost) safe for the first time in my life. I sought therapy for the first time at 49 years old and I am finally healing. It's like his death allowed me to live. Here is another essay about the day that my brother's body was found. I will post it below. *Do not click if you are sensitive to suicide or death*
This essay contains death, murder and suicide This Mother’s Day marks three years since my brother Steven was found dead in his apartment. At the time, hubby’s brother Ryan was in CT for a visit and was staying with us. Ryan and I were in the kitchen when I got the call from my father. Since it was Mother’s Day, I assumed dad was calling to wish me a happy Mother’s Day. “Hey dad,” I said, putting him on speakerphone. “Sandra, bad news… your brother is dead,” my father informed me without preamble. Part of me panicked, fearing for Marky, but another part dared to be hopeful. “Which ONE??” I implored. “Steven,” my father answered. “Oh, thank GOD!!” I exclaimed. The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. My knees almost buckled with relief. I was elated, but I needed to hide my feelings since Ryan was probably already wondering what kind of cold-blooded monster his brother had married; after all, what kind of awful person says ‘Thank God’ upon hearing that their brother is dead? ...Me, obviously. And this was how it went down: Both my brother Marky and my brother Steven lived in one of our father’s buildings. Marky lived in the apartment above Steven and had to walk past Steven’s door in order to get to his own. Prior to his death, Steven’s weight exceeded 400lbs and he could no longer get down the stairs by himself; my brother was completely housebound by his own fat. Marky had been helping Steven by taking his garbage out and shopping for his groceries and booze (all three of my brothers were alcoholics). But, true to form, instead of thanking Mark, Steven acted like an ungrateful asshole to Marky when he came to help. After a particularly abusive episode, Marky finally told Steven to go buy his own damn groceries and to go fuck himself while he was at it. After this incident, Steven stopped answering his phone and wouldn’t come to the door. I'm sure this behavior would have seemed alarming to most families, but Steven's reaction was typical for him, so to us, this seemed 'normal'. A few weeks later, Marky began noticing a smell coming from Steven’s apartment when he walked by. Marky and my father had a key, but Steven must have deadbolted the door from the inside. It was Mother’s Day, 2019 when the flies and the stench became unbearable, prompting Marky to call 911. The cops broke into the apartment and confirmed that my oldest brother was most definitely dead… …and had been for quite a while. More cops came. Mark and dad were not allowed inside Steven’s apartment, and the place became a crime scene. The cops later informed us that they were conducting a homicide investigation, but they wouldn’t tell us what they found in the apartment, the cause of death, or what made them so convinced that Steven had been murdered. The only thing the cops made crystal clear was that their two prime murder suspects were my father and Marky. ***** "Ding dong the witch is dead, the witch is dead, the witch is dead" -The Munchkins, The Wizard of Oz Thank you for reading.
I notice that at times I use submissive and passive aggressive communication. I'm trying to practice assertive communication by being less impulsive and more refined with my expressions. Your videos are helping me learn. You model clear, concise and confident communication in how you present this information. Thank you
Thank you so much for this lesson ! I've been searching for assertive communication lessons for myself and this is the best advice ever!! I want to move away from being a Passive-agressive communicator to Assertive communicator !!!
Thank you for this. 🙏 I am passive. I would explode with anger and resentment often. I knew I had a communication issue to work on. That really hit home.
Eek. I can see myself in all 3 of the more negative ways of communicating. I found this series while trying to help my oldest son learn how to be a better communicator but in reality, I also need alot of work in both how i communicate and listening skills too; both of which I’ve always considered myself good at but now am realizing i have alot to work on too. Thanks so much for these videos!!
Such great points. I went into a recent work conversation expecting to get emotional because I'm very conflict-avoidant, and in previous jobs I had encountered superiors who didn't want to hear what I had to say, after which I got choked up. I think that feeling of being dismissed and powerless led to those stereotypically "female" emotions (ugh) coming out, which always felt like self-sabotage in these kinds of conversations. But, in my recent situation I shared my concerns in writing beforehand, using "I" language and being as respectful and understanding of the background situation as I could (thanks to years of prior communications and conflict-resolution training). My manager read my concerns and immediately set up a meeting to discuss in person. This is where I expected the tears to come pouring out involuntarily as they had in the past, but -- No! It went very well. They said I had made some very good points and they wanted me to be satisfied with my role because of the value I bring to the organization, and they laid out some steps to resolve the underlying situation. No tears, only smiles and candid discussion. Having a good manager / good listener on the other side seems to be as important as the way you frame your concerns.
Thank you for the video. None of this matters when you are dealing with people who have variations of narcissism. It seems in my experience this is a good start for holding your ground but in most scenarios I find to not engage is the best solution.
Thank you this was excellent information for personal and professional development. I am a passive aggressive communicator and this will definitely help me work on improving my communication skills
Thank you for the video sir. From the 4 tips, I rated myself out of 10 for each... ended with a score of 15, meaning I'm only 37.5% assertive. Will definitely work on that. I believe the rest of the 62.5% goes to me being a passive-aggressive communicator. I don't speak much but when I do, I'm generally known to be too direct.
This hit me home also. Me and (my)-husband, can’t communicate with each other, i paid attention that he’s the one who communicated aggressively, I can’t go through him or never had the chance to express myself. Because I’m the one assertively communicate, but he never listen 👂🏾 when he’s in that kind of ‘mode’. So I’m exhausted and tired. My husband is a ‘drama king’😢
This is an eye opening for me. Learned a lot how people communicate & why it doesn't work. It all make sense now. It's funny how I thought people would understand me without saying what I truly mean. Lol. Thank you for this valuable information.
Thank you for this video!! I've been both passive/aggressive, passive, and assertive... It seems the situation - and who is the other person does make a difference. I have always feared conflict.. and the aggressor - being singled out and made a fool of. I've learned alot of confidence in the past few years. But I do find some of my old habits show up now and then.
I will be falling into the passive aggresive category. I have a long way to go before becoming a good assertive communicator. This video will definitely help me in that path.
Thank you for all this great information on Communication Skills. It’s so very helpful and and am going to start implementing these tools within all of my relationships. You’re a great role model, Alex. Many thanks again for your excellent content.
Alex I want to thank you for the videos. I have used some of them for my students. I am a Communication professor like yourself. I appreciate all the hard work that you put into these. I am currently working on a persuasion OER book as well as designing an interpersonal and persuasion course for fall. I also want to mention that I am originally from Buffalo. Anyway keep up the good work.
ok, it's good to have this scientifically identified groups of communicators. Two , three or more. I was taught the one simple thing - you should say what you think and always think honestly about others. One important point here - sometimes it's not so easy live following this rule...
1. 4:22 be calm before you speak 2. 5:52 say what needs to be said directly and respectfully 3. 6:52 use "i" language, not "you" language 4. 8:08 be a good listener
You are amazing coach Alex lyon, Thank you 🌷your vedios have been of a great help to me, I am mimi, 19 years old, working on my soft skills preparing for job opportunities and interviews, I did not completed college yet but decided to go out to the job market and see how it's dynamic works, any advice would you like to give me that would help! I will be thankful if you do
i generally speak in an assertive manner, especially if a discussion is held online; what i struggle with is for example situations in a workplace. i used to work as a waitress, and some of my coworkers werent as hardworking as me, so to say, to the point even my managers told me that i shouldnt let others use me. i tend to not want to cause conflicts, and i always think "well, i guess i can do this myself". several situations happened when there were things to be done, yet these specific coworkers would stand around and chat with each other or do anything else than doing what actually needs to be done. this is where i struggle - its hard for me to ask someone to do this, and it will keep taking a toll on me, ill silently start to get annoyed at this person instead of being confident and talking to them directly about the problem. but the biggest issue isnt even organizing what i want to say, its starting the conversation and actually going through with it, i dont want to sound rude or make a problem, even if i know its only logical if i address that kind of behaviour, or all the "what if they disagree with me", i just always give up on what i believe in when the social situations actually happen, and i hate it, i want to be better at controlling it instead of getting nervous and agreeing to everything the other person says anyways. i just found your channel but i will look into more videos of yours as they sound really helpful:)
Thank you very much and really appreciate this super useful video. I am passive communicator especially some of my workmate use very aggressive communication way to communicate. Assertive way is most hard to master it. The root is good self esteem for us to speak out confidently.
Well, thank you, Alex. After I watch your video, I hope I can do assertive Communicators. Your explanatory is very clear and make sense also easy to apply.
I’m mostly passive aggressive, but to ppl I really don’t care about-I don’t need them in my life, they are just there. But, to the ppl that mean something to me, I do better. Because WE BOTH do better-we both want the relationship it’s best
I'm watching this hoping I'm assertive but no, I'm passive aggressive 😂 thank you for this assertively presented information 🙂 will be working on my communication!
This is a mini course! I love it (also love The USA Office 😂). Big fans of all Gervais' choreography. My assertive communication skills score is probably 4.5/10, but apparently better than most 😂. That's worrying. Everyone can integrate this mini course into their minds... Starting... Right... Tomorrow (after you've all slept)!
There’s a great little book on Amazon entitled, “Hoots and Grunts” that addresses common everyday communication flubs that we make that can push others away from us.
I have to say this - I've been using the "I" method for a very long time. The only result I got from it, was being accused of taking things personally and adding emotions to it, which was not what I was doing. In contrast the accusers were taking things personal. Whenever I set my boundaries using the correct method, I'm being accused of the above as well. Never did ANYONE want to respect my boundaries.
I really need help. I’m passive. I simmer. I get nervous socially and need to “calm down” before speaking. Ugh. I’m nervous just thinking about trying to practice expressing myself in a more assertive manner. I do have something to say. I just need to start with “I” statements. That’s a good beginning.
@@alexanderlyon Well, I spoke to my dad and my dad feels this man was making of fool of me and of him. My father trusted this man to treat me like a sister and no matter how much I tried to tell my dad that I was virtually throwing myself at him, my dad kept saying that I should cut him off forever.
Google heard my conversation and put this on my feed 😂 I am a great listener and will gather information before I speak. However, because I am quiet, people assume I have nothing to offer or am uninterested. I am working on a good balance between the two.
I think I'm generally assertive or somewhere in between passive and assertive. I don't always feel comfortable being assertive and that's generally not because of fear of the other or feeling insecure. I think I am more afraid of myself behaving aggressive. I do sometimes intentionally use passive aggressive language when I am sure people know I am not serious. Ironic passive aggressive language can be a way of acting assertive in a comical way. And it can help to get the message across you don't agree but are sincerely willing to condone.
This is unparalleled content. A book with analogous themes was a revelation for my life. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn
Thanks for posting this. I'm gonna have to say though, being passive aggressive is sometimes soooo much fun and some situations require it. LOL! This is going to be quite the learning curve for me.
Maybe... but to the observer, it comes across as childish & weak/ cowardly. You can tell they want to say whatever it is... but for whatever reason they lack the confidence/ courage... so they go the passive aggressive route. It immediately makes me feel like I have the upper hand & makes me not take them seriously. It seems petty and high schoolish. The only situation I think it can be necessary is if dealing w a rude customer at a job where you fear getting in trouble... so you soften it a bit. And in that scenario... they know why you softened it & get the point... but if you have to repeat it to the boss... it doesn't sound so bad. It triggers me in most situations... brings out my aggressive streak. It either seems juvenile, sarcastic or weak & almost always ensures a more negative reaction than had it just been stated in a neutral or assertive way. I know I'm not alone in this and I'm just sharing my view because I think some feel it's less likely to trigger someone or cause conflict when the opposite is often true.
It took me years to realize that I had to speak up when something bothered me. Most often, I would wait to the next day to approach the person (which you mentioned as a good thing). What I found is that the other person was often surprised that I brought it up the next day. I guess they assumed I would say something in the moment. But it takes me a while to process what I want to say. My tendancy is to be passive but I've found my relationships are better when I'm more assertive.
Thanks for sharing, Sara. I do recommend waiting a day if you feel you need the time to cool off or collect your thoughts. However, many times assertiveness in the moment can be more effective. It depends on the person.
I think I have a passive aggressive communication style (talking through people or clearly being upset but not voicing it) but not because I’m trying to be rude, but because I lack confidence and fear rejection. I have an irrational fear of saying something someone doesn’t like and getting reprimanded for it. Anyone else feeling the same have any tips?
The things you expressed for passive communicator is me I didn't know how to handle at that time but I guess sometimes it is just that your emotions are more valuable then what you express so you just keep silence. But I guess for effective communicator it is important to talk and express the ideas when it's asked
Hi Dr Lyon. I’m loving your videos, thank for sharing theses valuable skills with us. How can we calmly and assertively respond to verbal attacks ( intentional or unintentional) . I find it difficult to respond in those types of situations, think quickly enough etc. can you recommend a few short phrases that may be helpful as responses when someone is being insulting or critical please? Thanks
Alex seems such a beautiful man we need people like him as presidents and prime ministers we might have a better world than we do today. Thanks for the content 👏
Thank your for great tips. I need to practice more on assertive communication style and I think assertive communication will need good emotional intelligence.
most people in the society are passive aggressive communicator. But that is also a business tactics, and many managers/ supervisors do that, despite best of management trainings.
6:20 I can’t control what you do I can only control what I do 7:00 I language You’re giving me too much work I’m feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work I have
I don’t consider myself being patient and humble, but I do give people the benefit of the doubt and speak up before I have a cause to get angry. I know I have to work on those ideas on letting things settle before I get to express myself, maybe people don’t take me seriously because I speak up too much and come across as being aggressive, I tire them out. But really it seems like they can’t understand the words that come out if my mouth 😩 I get so disappointed with people that look into my eyes just to get my reaction from the things they say and do, because they know those things make me uncomfortable. I came to understand that people have their own personalities and I have to accept that fact and live my life without getting affected for what people do or don’t do, for what they say or choose to be silent, for the empathy, respect and reactions or lack of them. I enjoy learning more about how to manage my own emotions and how to regulate myself, examine myself, to be a good communicator and being a better listener. It’s a bumpy road to go through, cannot have it smooth right away, probably with certain people never, but at least I can recognize the potential dangers and avoid them as much as possible.
Using these tips will work with people who are mindful and intelligent enough to hear what I am saying. Sadly, a lot of the people I have to interact with are just ignorant.
I’m passive aggressive. Some say aggressive when getting my point across. That comes from my childhood of fighting to be heard. Still today when I’m with my mom and sister I can’t get a word in edge wise! Now as a team lead, mentor, and coach I try NOT to be aggressive but then it may come out passive aggressive.
I really appreciate this! Thank you 😊it would be useful if you can increment on how to communicate with someone who uses passive aggressive or aggressive communication
That's an interesting suggestion! The short answer is to communicate assertively when people are either passive aggressive or aggressive. In other words, it's not really about being strategic or outmaneuvering them. If you continue to practice good assertive communication, then that will lead to the best possible outcome in most cases.
I understand "I language", but sometimes it is the behavior of the other person that is the issue lol I agree also that takijg time to reflect on the topic that needs to be breached is useful- however sometimes some issues are time sensitive or require immediate responses. I'm in a position of leadership and intend to have a more agreeable personality and can struggle with more vocal and demanding personalities- and sometimes it is nessesary to respond quickly.
So interesting. I have a problem with that. Tend to have passive communication. Is there an on-line workshop or something like that related to this topic?
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Free Download pdf Essential Communication Skills for Professionals: www.alexanderlyon.com/free-resources
I need the file please
Good advice. Thank you.
I searched out videos out of sheer desperation tonight. Yours is the best I’ve heard so I subscribed.
All my life, I’ve been quiet,, partly out of lack of speaking skills , partly ( and mostly) out of fear of others reactions. My Dad was explosive , and we were scared to death of his outburst. My beautiful Mom, was submissive and frightened. I’m now JUST LIKE MY Mom. I’m 71, and finding life harder than ever, and ppl run all over me. Nothing I say or do is respected or “ heard”. So I’m approaching this prayerfully but determined to change. It’s so overwhelming now it’s affecting my health.
I'm glad you found the channel. Thank you for sharing.
Wow Stephanie. You must have gone through a lot. I'm glad you are taking the steps to get better. You're finally doing something for you and that's what matters the most.
1 Make sure you are calm and under control before starting the conversation
2 Say what needs to be said as directly and respectfully as possible
3 Use " I " language (not "you " language)
4 Be a good listenner
I recognize that sometimes I try to speak through others. I'm going to really try to defeat that instinct and attempt to focus more on being assertive, no matter how painful it is.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
I recently realized I am passive/aggressive with people who are very emotionally reactive. I grew up in a emotionally volatile home….so I tend to avoid conflict with those types of people.
That phrase will help me. Thank you!!
I'm a naturally assertive communicator 👍
These tips are my natural style and I agree:
It's best to listen patiently, be direct without being aggressive and communicate your interests.
Wow
Alex, this is GOLD. Thank you. The bit about "patiently listening" hit home with me. While I do try to wait and let others finish before I speak again, that urge to "jump in and react" is very real, especially in times of conflict or heated debate. I would rate myself as Assertive, but in the past, I would've definitely communicated in a passive-aggressive way, as I used to struggle with putting my true thoughts and feelings into words that had sticking power. God Bless, brother!
Thanks for sharing, brother. God bless you too!
@@alexanderlyon I'd love to collab with you on this topic, if you're interested. My thoughts are bringing in things like: mental filters, cognitive bias, experienced-based and environment-based learned behaviors, and the perceptive of self vs. other people - into the mix.
I realize that your niche is geared toward communication and leadership coaching. And communication is a primary means that people use to evaluate what type of person they "think" they're dealing with, while also letting it help determine how they'll interact, etc. Perception. Interpretation. While mine is Christian counseling and teaching, I see a lot of overlap where we could combine our niches into broader applications. 🙂
Interesting topics. I'll have to give that some thought.
@@alphamegaradio If it's welcome, on RUclips, there's a 3-part conversation between Jiddu Krishnamurti, David Bohm, Rupert Sheldrake, and a therapist whose name I forgot. The video title is "The nature of the mind" and it delves deep into how we think, and what we think. How we tell ourselves what reality is about and how we communicate our views.
@@devonseamoor I will check that out, Devon. Thanks for the recommendation. Have a blessed day!
It took until this year that I had to learn how communicate better and set my boundaries. I am passive aggressive and Impulsive at times which I release that it destroys a lot of my relationship and how to communicate with others. So at this age I’m practicing in on how to learn on becoming a better communicating and better person. 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Thank you for sharing, Falisha.
It took untill this year I have learn communicated better
Same with me :((
@@manikunde2332 Seems little a demonic response.
Here’s my conundrum. While I have gotten a lot better at arguing, in the past it has been SO easy to shut me down if I tried to assert anything. I’ve noticed people throughout my life who didn’t have any trouble with asserting their needs are good communicators. They also seem to be able to come up with things that would never cross my mind no matter how hard I thought about something. You get beat down all your life or are at a loss for words when it’s most needed just makes it hard to be assertive.
You are allowed to bring up things after the fact. 'I want to talk about our conversation the other day....." or similar has worked for me.
Very useful. I have read more than 200 times and keep hearing before my office schedule. Thanks sir.
Thank you Alex, I am a mix of passive and assertive. Passive to avoid conflict but when I am passionate and knowledgeable about something I become more assertive. Thanks for the tips. I will definitely use them.
good point i feel the same sometimes it depend on how much we care about what we do or talk about makes us more involved and not being avoidant
how do we be more assertive when we don't care as much or know as much about a topic?@@mernafam353
This was was more helpful than I expected, especially your point about giving someone "two jobs" by using an unhelpful style. I noticed I used to be very passive aggressive, but in the last few years my confidence shot up and it's like I overshot the mark into more aggressive (at least initially if emotions are higher). It seemed positive and not aggressive mostly because I had been so used to the other extreme. Good points here, thanks!
Good video. I would add the following critical points.
1. Try to agree and find some common ground with your opponent. If you disagree with everything said others will hate you.
2. Debate the points and rather than destroy the credibility of your opponent. The only exception is if someone claims to be an expert witness.
3. Try to smile and be pleasant. Have strong data to support your points.
4. Get small admissions from your opponent to lead them to a point when they can no longer refute your point. Like a chess master, think of your points many moves out.
5. If not supportive to your position, rather than directly answering your opponents questions instead make statements to weaken your opponents claims or strengthen yours.
I am a Muslim and while I was watching the video, I realized how beautifully Islam teaches and encourages us to talk assertively. I also realized that I am an assertive speaker by nature :) Your representation was very helpful and clear. I hope to learn much more. Thanks for your hard work!
I used to be passive aggressive communicator without awareness, I intended to avoid and minimise the conflicts. However as I learned from this lesson, if one doesn't let their expression out in an assertive way, the true feeling underneath the behaviour will hardly be seen. I also learned the importance of using "I" language which needs not only lots of self-awareness but practice! Thanks for this precious lesson, it surely helps out people who want to have a communication skill, the most importantly, with the clear and geniune conversation, it helps the world become a more peaceful world.
Passive aggresive. I always admire people who can pause and think before stating their opinions without being too controlling or pushy
I recognize now that I've been doing quite a bit of passive-aggressive communication! But those tips on assertive communication are waow! I'll have to listen several times more and practice consistently to replace the old. Many thanks Alex and kudos for a really great video!
Hi, Kene. I'm glad the tips are helpful. It takes practice but I'm sure you'll improve if you commit.
I enjoy reading others comments, thats exactly how i feel.
Wow, under this definition, I fear I may fall into the passive-aggressive category far more often than I'd like. I definitely want to become more of the assertive communicator when it comes to difficult situations, and I'm hopeful I'm moving in that direction.
I love what you said about control. A friend of mine whose marriage is struggling said that we shouldn't go into marriage expecting the other to change, to which I wholeheartedly agreed, but then he said that we cannot really change ourselves. I eventually stopped him and clarified that I disagreed on that point because I am the only person I can change, and I can definitely change myself.
There’s a great little book on Amazon entitled, “Hoots and Grunts” that addresses common everyday communication flubs that we make that can push others away from us.
Great show today, thank you! I've learned a lot here and made some improvements in my speaking. I have had many problems being essertive and it used to get me in trouble because by the time I got to being essertive I'd be upset and would start to be overwhelmed and say things that didn't make me look very good. I'm working on this all the time and am making improvements.
Always great to hear from you, Anthony. Thanks for reposting your comment here so others can see it.
@Anthony Maund. I truly mean no offense, but I had to laugh about your excellent, very clear, and sort of "cartoonish" description of how communication flows, or not, in your experiences, and that becoming assertive took you a while so that when you were ready to speak your mind, while upset, overwhelm took over. Our sense of identity with freedom in tow is closely connected to the throat. Words are like boomerangs, it's only when I speak my words that I can hear myself tell the truth or try to cover it up, beating around the bush.
I've attended communication training in sync with the use of one's intuitive abilities, and physical awareness. The freezing that occurs during a conversation is often how we hold on to "shutting down" a form of dis-empowerment, as I see it Although it may happen in an unconscious way, in the space where fear is present and attempts to suppress it. Expressed by stuckness in the throat.
Once I offer myself the right to speak up, without the programming others have left, or still imprint in me, those which I allow to affect me, by being empathic, but too open, or co-dependent, I don't have to fall off my standpoint, pun intended.
I hope I'm right, that you've figured out how you brought it on yourself, by the manner in which you shared your comment, with precise detail in what you experienced. That's great. I hope you feel confident more, also due to this helpful video of Alex Lyon. I'm inspired too, learning from Alex's manner of observations.
@@devonseamoor thank you! I am working on it and am thankful for your feedback!
Me too, ad an INFJ and adhd I’m always restructuring how I communicate as it’s absolutely been a life struggle. Thank you.
Finding balance, some people just tune out. 🦉
It’s a eye opener for me. Thanks for clearly eliciting most overlooked mistakes we make (I make 😊) when having conversations at work or in personal life.
I was raised in an abusive household where we were literally forbidden to ask for the things we needed. This caused me to become passive aggressive in my interactions. I am working on becoming more assertive, and this video was very helpful. I wrote an essay about what it what like to be raised this way, and I will share it below in a separate reply. *Trigger Warning* Do not click on the reply below if you are sensitive to child abuse and neglect.
Our mother fancied herself as a child psychologist, despite having no education in this field. She developed strange beliefs regarding how children should be ‘trained’, and we kids were routinely subjected to bizarre forms of psychological trickery devised to manipulate or punish us.
Many of mom’s mental games and weird rules seemed to be purposely designed to escalate my abuse, leave me without recourse, and protect my abusers from repercussions.
One of the ways she trained us was to never ‘reward’ crying… or at least when it came to me.
Whether or not I was crying for a legitimate reason did not matter; mom claimed that giving me any validation would just ‘teach me to cry to get my way’.
This rule enabled my brothers to abuse me with complete impunity; they would simply escalate their abuse until they drove me to tears; knowing that once I cried, my fate was sealed; no matter what they had done, I would be the one blamed.
Steven took particular and perverse pleasure in the act of pushing me to my breaking point. He would fuck with my head by pretending to encourage me not to cry;
“Oh no, Sandra! Are you gonna CRY!? Don’t DO it! C’mon, it’s not too late; you can still suck it up if you TRY!”
This so-called ‘encouragement’ only made me cry faster, and once I had succumbed, my brother would then pretend to console me,
“Aw, is that all you got? Too bad, Sandra. You didn’t try hard enough. Better luck next time.”
Being trapped in this no-win cycle absolutely ENRAGED me; and the more frustrated and upset he could make me, the more gleeful my brother would become.
Steven learned the art of mental manipulation from our mother; if she were to initiate an interaction with us, we could be sure there was a hidden agenda, or she was setting us up for some type of ‘gotcha’ that could be used against us. Being a ‘stay at home mom’ offered our mother the time and freedom to devise these mental traps, which were often elaborate and strategically planned.
Our mother never worked a job and spent most of her time in bed, yet she still found this level of dereliction to be inadequate; she resented how we kids would interrupt her non-activity with appeals for facilitation, food, or protection.
Our mother wanted to completely free herself from the burden of hearing our requests, seeing how she was only going to deny them anyway. So, to better streamline her neglect, mom implemented a new rule…
…we kids were now forbidden to ask our mother for anything; whether it be a signature, medical care, school supplies, it didn’t matter; we were simply not allowed to approach her at all.
When our mother declared this new rule, she told us she was no longer going to even ‘listen to our demands’ because doing so would only ‘teach us to ask for stuff’; as though acknowledging a child’s request for a Band-aid was the equivalent of negotiating with terrorists.
Not only were we forbidden to ask our mother for the things we needed, we were also denied alternative access to these guarded resources. We kids were expected to just ignore our needs, and mom seemed to resent us for even having them:
Let's say we asked our mother to feed us; our mother didn’t see us as hungry children who simply wanted food; instead, she saw us as greedy, vindictive kids who were ‘being hungry on purpose’ just to piss her off. In her mind, any good child would recognize that our mother’s desire to be undisturbed was more important than their own selfish need for food.
Our mother twisted every situation so it was all about her; even our attempts to kill ourselves were taken as a personal affront; when mom discovered 8-year-old me hiding in my closet, eating cleanser, her only thoughts were for herself.
If, by some miracle, our mom relented to perform even the smallest parental duty, her resentment was EPIC, and she would make us feel guilty for it.
I swear, if our mom had devoted a fraction of the effort that she put into blaming and shaming us into our ACTUAL CARE, we might have turned out okay.
As our mother’s favorite, my sister could best get away with questioning mom’s new rule. When Sharon asked mom how we were supposed obtain the things we needed if we were not allowed to ask for them, our mother told us that we just had to wait for her to offer it.
This was met with stunned silence.
We kids were already so neglected… and now we were supposed to just wait, and HOPE our mom would suddenly notice all the ways that we were lacking?
We kids could literally die while waiting for mom’s help. This may sound like hyperbole, but it’s not.
Even before we were officially forbidden to seek our mother’s help, we had already learned that we couldn’t trust mom to intervene on our behalf, no matter how dire the circumstances.
Mom has turned a blind eye to our suffering for as long as I can remember; when we were being brutally beaten and were screaming for help, our mother just stayed in bed and pretended not to hear us.
And when my sister needed her nose cauterized, our mother was fully aware of the fact that Sharon had been bleeding profusely, for hours at a time, day after day. But instead of taking her to the hospital, mom sent Sharon outside to bleed and made her feel guilty about how many paper towels she was using. Mom didn’t seem to care how much blood Sharon lost, so long as she didn’t have to deal with the mess or witness her suffering.
In the end, our neighbor, Gigi (who worked as a nurse) noticed that Sharon was hemorrhaging and brought her to the ER.
Instead of being grateful to Gigi for saving Sharon, our mom was furious, and forbid us to ever talk to Gigi again.
This new rule trapped us in another no-win situation with our mother; we were forbidden to approach our mother with our problems, so we didn’t. But whenever one of these unaddressed problems ‘came back to bite her’, we would suddenly find ourselves in trouble for NOT coming to her; she would scream, “What, am I expected to be a mind-reader??” and accuse us of setting her up to be blindsided with the exact kind of situation she had forbidden us to approach her with in the first place.
Unfortunately, this new rule had even more far-reaching effects when it was applied to me:
One day, I was outside playing and our neighbor gave their kids popsicles and they were kind enough to offer me one too.
For the neighbor’s kids, getting a popsicle was no big deal, but for me, that popsicle would have been the highlight of my summer. I remember sitting on the curb with my popsicle, feeling like I was the luckiest kid ever…
…until mom called me in from the kitchen window.
She accused me of asking our neighbor for the popsicle. I tried to tell mom that it had been offered to me, but she didn’t believe me. She snatched the popsicle out of my hands and threw it in the trash.
Then she slapped my face and called me a ‘beggar’. She said that because I was a liar, she was creating a special new rule… I was forbidden to accept anything from anyone whether they had offered it to me or not.
This rule didn’t apply to the other kids, just me. If someone offered my siblings and I snacks, I would have to say, ‘I’m not allowed’ and everyone would tease me with their treats. But if I accepted the snack, my siblings would tell on me and I would be punished.
Even at school, if someone had a birthday and brought cupcakes for the class, I would have to say, “I’m not allowed,” and try not to cry while I watched the other kids enjoy their treats.
My mother strove to maintain absolute control over my ‘care’ while simultaneously resenting the responsibility of providing it. She gave me no alternative but to rely on her…
…and then punished me for needing her.
After ensuring that she was the sole source of my means, my mother would place unnecessary obstacles between me and these resources, and my survival hinged on figuring out how to overcome these barriers.
In the movie, ‘War Games’, a nuclear war is narrowly averted when a supercomputer realizes it is trapped in a no-win situation and declares, “Strange game; the only winning move is not to play”.
Like the computer, I realized I was trapped, yet I had no choice but to play mom’s games because she had all the power and I had none.
Again, my sister’s autism was the superpower that saved her from this fate; Sharon’s thinking was very black and white; she simply didn’t understand the subtleties and nuances of our mother’s mental games. Sharon’s inability to ‘think deceptively’ forced mom to have actual, honest interactions with my sister, lest she have to confront her own deceptiveness.
Also, Sharon wasn’t as dependent on our mother as I was; if anything, mom depended on HER. My sister was the one performing the lion’s share of mom’s parental duties, so mom couldn’t upset Sharon without risking this freedom.
When interacting with mom, it wasn’t enough to listen to what she said, my salvation depended on my ability to figure out what she MEANT. My attempts to interpret the true meaning behind my mother’s words was anxiety-inducing, exhausting and quite often, futile.
*****
“Head games, that’s all I get from you, head games, and I can’t take it anymore”
-Foreigner, ‘Head Games'
If you made it this far, thank you for reading.
@@quarteracreadventures855 this is horrifying child abuse. I pray you have (or will have) good help in overcoming the effects of this massive trauma. May you find all the comfort and healing you deserve
@@Prinzenelleke Thank you for your kind words. *trigger warning* My oldest brother committed suicide 3 years ago. This may sound like a bad thing, but for me, it was actually a godsend. Steven was an absolute monster. When I was child, he would rape me and then urinate on me just for fun. His death caused me to feel (almost) safe for the first time in my life. I sought therapy for the first time at 49 years old and I am finally healing. It's like his death allowed me to live. Here is another essay about the day that my brother's body was found. I will post it below. *Do not click if you are sensitive to suicide or death*
This essay contains death, murder and suicide
This Mother’s Day marks three years since my brother Steven was found dead in his apartment.
At the time, hubby’s brother Ryan was in CT for a visit and was staying with us.
Ryan and I were in the kitchen when I got the call from my father. Since it was Mother’s Day, I assumed dad was calling to wish me a happy Mother’s Day.
“Hey dad,” I said, putting him on speakerphone.
“Sandra, bad news… your brother is dead,” my father informed me without preamble.
Part of me panicked, fearing for Marky, but another part dared to be hopeful.
“Which ONE??” I implored.
“Steven,” my father answered.
“Oh, thank GOD!!” I exclaimed. The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. My knees almost buckled with relief.
I was elated, but I needed to hide my feelings since Ryan was probably already wondering what kind of cold-blooded monster his brother had married; after all, what kind of awful person says ‘Thank God’ upon hearing that their brother is dead?
...Me, obviously.
And this was how it went down:
Both my brother Marky and my brother Steven lived in one of our father’s buildings. Marky lived in the apartment above Steven and had to walk past Steven’s door in order to get to his own.
Prior to his death, Steven’s weight exceeded 400lbs and he could no longer get down the stairs by himself; my brother was completely housebound by his own fat.
Marky had been helping Steven by taking his garbage out and shopping for his groceries and booze (all three of my brothers were alcoholics). But, true to form, instead of thanking Mark, Steven acted like an ungrateful asshole to Marky when he came to help.
After a particularly abusive episode, Marky finally told Steven to go buy his own damn groceries and to go fuck himself while he was at it.
After this incident, Steven stopped answering his phone and wouldn’t come to the door. I'm sure this behavior would have seemed alarming to most families, but Steven's reaction was typical for him, so to us, this seemed 'normal'.
A few weeks later, Marky began noticing a smell coming from Steven’s apartment when he walked by. Marky and my father had a key, but Steven must have deadbolted the door from the inside.
It was Mother’s Day, 2019 when the flies and the stench became unbearable, prompting Marky to call 911.
The cops broke into the apartment and confirmed that my oldest brother was most definitely dead…
…and had been for quite a while.
More cops came.
Mark and dad were not allowed inside Steven’s apartment, and the place became a crime scene.
The cops later informed us that they were conducting a homicide investigation, but they wouldn’t tell us what they found in the apartment, the cause of death, or what made them so convinced that Steven had been murdered.
The only thing the cops made crystal clear was that their two prime murder suspects were my father and Marky.
*****
"Ding dong the witch is dead, the witch is dead, the witch is dead"
-The Munchkins, The Wizard of Oz
Thank you for reading.
I notice that at times I use submissive and passive aggressive communication. I'm trying to practice assertive communication by being less impulsive and more refined with my expressions. Your videos are helping me learn. You model clear, concise and confident communication in how you present this information. Thank you
Thanks for sharing, Michele.
Thank you so much for this lesson ! I've been searching for assertive communication lessons for myself and this is the best advice ever!! I want to move away from being a Passive-agressive communicator to Assertive communicator !!!
Glad it was helpful, Somi.
Passive aggressive is often times the way I speak. Thank you for helping me recognize that.
If I'm leaving without appreciating this content then I have not changed. Thank you for this video n positive change started within me.
Thank you for this. 🙏 I am passive. I would explode with anger and resentment often. I knew I had a communication issue to work on. That really hit home.
Eek. I can see myself in all 3 of the more negative ways of communicating. I found this series while trying to help my oldest son learn how to be a better communicator but in reality, I also need alot of work in both how i communicate and listening skills too; both of which I’ve always considered myself good at but now am realizing i have alot to work on too. Thanks so much for these videos!!
I give you credit for wanting to work on yourself. That's the key step.
Such great points. I went into a recent work conversation expecting to get emotional because I'm very conflict-avoidant, and in previous jobs I had encountered superiors who didn't want to hear what I had to say, after which I got choked up. I think that feeling of being dismissed and powerless led to those stereotypically "female" emotions (ugh) coming out, which always felt like self-sabotage in these kinds of conversations. But, in my recent situation I shared my concerns in writing beforehand, using "I" language and being as respectful and understanding of the background situation as I could (thanks to years of prior communications and conflict-resolution training). My manager read my concerns and immediately set up a meeting to discuss in person. This is where I expected the tears to come pouring out involuntarily as they had in the past, but -- No! It went very well. They said I had made some very good points and they wanted me to be satisfied with my role because of the value I bring to the organization, and they laid out some steps to resolve the underlying situation. No tears, only smiles and candid discussion. Having a good manager / good listener on the other side seems to be as important as the way you frame your concerns.
Thank you for sharing, Darla. I'm glad it ended up being a positive experience.
I'm passive or passive agressive,but I was lucky to watch this video tonight.I also need to improve my listening.
Thank you for those tips.
Thank you for the video. None of this matters when you are dealing with people who have variations of narcissism. It seems in my experience this is a good start for holding your ground but in most scenarios I find to not engage is the best solution.
Thank you this was excellent information for personal and professional development. I am a passive aggressive communicator and this will definitely help me work on improving my communication skills
Thank you for the video sir.
From the 4 tips, I rated myself out of 10 for each... ended with a score of 15, meaning I'm only 37.5% assertive. Will definitely work on that.
I believe the rest of the 62.5% goes to me being a passive-aggressive communicator. I don't speak much but when I do, I'm generally known to be too direct.
This hit me home also. Me and (my)-husband, can’t communicate with each other, i paid attention that he’s the one who communicated aggressively, I can’t go through him or never had the chance to express myself. Because I’m the one assertively communicate, but he never listen 👂🏾 when he’s in that kind of ‘mode’. So I’m exhausted and tired. My husband is a ‘drama king’😢
This is an eye opening for me. Learned a lot how people communicate & why it doesn't work. It all make sense now. It's funny how I thought people would understand me without saying what I truly mean. Lol. Thank you for this valuable information.
I think I m quite assertive but I sometimes have been told I am emotional or frustrated.. something for me to work on ..love the insightful video
Thank you for this video!!
I've been both passive/aggressive, passive, and assertive...
It seems the situation - and who is the other person does make a difference.
I have always feared conflict.. and the aggressor - being singled out and made a fool of.
I've learned alot of confidence in the past few years.
But I do find some of my old habits show up now and then.
Thank you for sharing!
I will be falling into the passive aggresive category. I have a long way to go before becoming a good assertive communicator. This video will definitely help me in that path.
Thank you for all this great information on Communication Skills. It’s so very helpful and and am going to start implementing these tools within all of my relationships. You’re a great role model, Alex. Many thanks again for your excellent content.
I discovered my self to be a passive aggressive from your video.
Thanks for the great approach.
I finally realize i am a passive aggressive. I am working with an aggressive! Now, there is the middle! Thank you!
Great! You are not on your way to making an important improvement.
Alex I want to thank you for the videos. I have used some of them for my students. I am a Communication professor like yourself. I appreciate all the hard work that you put into these. I am currently working on a persuasion OER book as well as designing an interpersonal and persuasion course for fall. I also want to mention that I am originally from Buffalo. Anyway keep up the good work.
Hi, David. Great to meet you. Always nice to meet a fellow professor.
ok, it's good to have this scientifically identified groups of communicators. Two , three or more. I was taught the one simple thing - you should say what you think and always think honestly about others. One important point here - sometimes it's not so easy live following this rule...
1. 4:22 be calm before you speak
2. 5:52 say what needs to be said directly and respectfully
3. 6:52 use "i" language, not "you" language
4. 8:08 be a good listener
You are amazing coach Alex lyon, Thank you 🌷your vedios have been of a great help to me, I am mimi, 19 years old, working on my soft skills preparing for job opportunities and interviews, I did not completed college yet but decided to go out to the job market and see how it's dynamic works, any advice would you like to give me that would help! I will be thankful if you do
i generally speak in an assertive manner, especially if a discussion is held online; what i struggle with is for example situations in a workplace. i used to work as a waitress, and some of my coworkers werent as hardworking as me, so to say, to the point even my managers told me that i shouldnt let others use me. i tend to not want to cause conflicts, and i always think "well, i guess i can do this myself". several situations happened when there were things to be done, yet these specific coworkers would stand around and chat with each other or do anything else than doing what actually needs to be done. this is where i struggle - its hard for me to ask someone to do this, and it will keep taking a toll on me, ill silently start to get annoyed at this person instead of being confident and talking to them directly about the problem. but the biggest issue isnt even organizing what i want to say, its starting the conversation and actually going through with it, i dont want to sound rude or make a problem, even if i know its only logical if i address that kind of behaviour, or all the "what if they disagree with me", i just always give up on what i believe in when the social situations actually happen, and i hate it, i want to be better at controlling it instead of getting nervous and agreeing to everything the other person says anyways.
i just found your channel but i will look into more videos of yours as they sound really helpful:)
Thank you very much and really appreciate this super useful video.
I am passive communicator especially some of my workmate use very aggressive communication way to communicate. Assertive way is most hard to master it. The root is good self esteem for us to speak out confidently.
Alex, thank you, this is excellent instruction. You were clear and concise, and gave some excellent pointers and examples.
Well, thank you, Alex. After I watch your video, I hope I can do assertive Communicators. Your explanatory is very clear and make sense also easy to apply.
I’m mostly passive aggressive, but to ppl I really don’t care about-I don’t need them in my life, they are just there. But, to the ppl that mean something to me, I do better. Because WE BOTH do better-we both want the relationship it’s best
I'm watching this hoping I'm assertive but no, I'm passive aggressive 😂 thank you for this assertively presented information 🙂 will be working on my communication!
This is a mini course! I love it (also love The USA Office 😂). Big fans of all Gervais' choreography.
My assertive communication skills score is probably 4.5/10, but apparently better than most 😂. That's worrying.
Everyone can integrate this mini course into their minds... Starting... Right... Tomorrow (after you've all slept)!
Hi, Corey. I'm glad it was helpful.
@@alexanderlyon Thanks!
There’s a great little book on Amazon entitled, “Hoots and Grunts” that addresses common everyday communication flubs that we make that can push others away from us.
Speak clearly, positively, and respectfully. That's it
I'm definitely an assertive communicator! It works for me, always.
I have to say this - I've been using the "I" method for a very long time. The only result I got from it, was being accused of taking things personally and adding emotions to it, which was not what I was doing. In contrast the accusers were taking things personal. Whenever I set my boundaries using the correct method, I'm being accused of the above as well. Never did ANYONE want to respect my boundaries.
I really need help. I’m passive. I simmer. I get nervous socially and need to “calm down” before speaking. Ugh. I’m nervous just thinking about trying to practice expressing myself in a more assertive manner. I do have something to say. I just need to start with “I” statements. That’s a good beginning.
I told my guy, "Well, if something in you for me died, it's not right to blame either one of us." He cooled off, came to me and said, "I love you!"
Oh, interesting example! Instead of blaming, you created more space. Well done!
@@alexanderlyon Well, I spoke to my dad and my dad feels this man was making of fool of me and of him. My father trusted this man to treat me like a sister and no matter how much I tried to tell my dad that I was virtually throwing myself at him, my dad kept saying that I should cut him off forever.
@@alexanderlyon Thanks for the compliment.
Alex, this is SO good. Easy to understand and practical. Thank you 🤓
Glad it was helpful!
Just brilliant. So clear and concise. Thanks a lot for this short lecture.
Glad it was helpful. Thanks for your positive feedback.
Google heard my conversation and put this on my feed 😂 I am a great listener and will gather information before I speak. However, because I am quiet, people assume I have nothing to offer or am uninterested. I am working on a good balance between the two.
Love it! Been SO HARD DEALING w aggressive women at work!!! I'm a nurse... Would rather work w male nurses ANYDAY!!!
I think I'm generally assertive or somewhere in between passive and assertive. I don't always feel comfortable being assertive and that's generally not because of fear of the other or feeling insecure. I think I am more afraid of myself behaving aggressive. I do sometimes intentionally use passive aggressive language when I am sure people know I am not serious. Ironic passive aggressive language can be a way of acting assertive in a comical way. And it can help to get the message across you don't agree but are sincerely willing to condone.
Thank you for sharing, Siward.
This is unparalleled content. A book with analogous themes was a revelation for my life. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn
Thank you!
Thanks for posting this. I'm gonna have to say though, being passive aggressive is sometimes soooo much fun and some situations require it. LOL! This is going to be quite the learning curve for me.
Maybe... but to the observer, it comes across as childish & weak/ cowardly. You can tell they want to say whatever it is... but for whatever reason they lack the confidence/ courage... so they go the passive aggressive route. It immediately makes me feel like I have the upper hand & makes me not take them seriously. It seems petty and high schoolish. The only situation I think it can be necessary is if dealing w a rude customer at a job where you fear getting in trouble... so you soften it a bit. And in that scenario... they know why you softened it & get the point... but if you have to repeat it to the boss... it doesn't sound so bad. It triggers me in most situations... brings out my aggressive streak. It either seems juvenile, sarcastic or weak & almost always ensures a more negative reaction than had it just been stated in a neutral or assertive way. I know I'm not alone in this and I'm just sharing my view because I think some feel it's less likely to trigger someone or cause conflict when the opposite is often true.
It took me years to realize that I had to speak up when something bothered me. Most often, I would wait to the next day to approach the person (which you mentioned as a good thing). What I found is that the other person was often surprised that I brought it up the next day. I guess they assumed I would say something in the moment. But it takes me a while to process what I want to say. My tendancy is to be passive but I've found my relationships are better when I'm more assertive.
Thanks for sharing, Sara. I do recommend waiting a day if you feel you need the time to cool off or collect your thoughts. However, many times assertiveness in the moment can be more effective. It depends on the person.
Would you please recommend books that can help me in assertiveness? Thank you
I think I have a passive aggressive communication style (talking through people or clearly being upset but not voicing it) but not because I’m trying to be rude, but because I lack confidence and fear rejection. I have an irrational fear of saying something someone doesn’t like and getting reprimanded for it. Anyone else feeling the same have any tips?
😢me too and wish I had tips on but I don't sorry
The things you expressed for passive communicator is me I didn't know how to handle at that time but I guess sometimes it is just that your emotions are more valuable then what you express so you just keep silence. But I guess for effective communicator it is important to talk and express the ideas when it's asked
Hi Dr Lyon. I’m loving your videos, thank for sharing theses valuable skills with us. How can we calmly and assertively respond to verbal attacks ( intentional or unintentional) . I find it difficult to respond in those types of situations, think quickly enough etc. can you recommend a few short phrases that may be helpful as responses when someone is being insulting or critical please? Thanks
i passive communicator but i need to learn more assertive communicator in the future. thank you so much
Alex seems such a beautiful man we need people like him as presidents and prime ministers we might have a better world than we do today. Thanks for the content 👏
Thank you! I wouldn't want those jobs but I appreciate your vote of confidence.
Thank your for great tips. I need to practice more on assertive communication style and I think assertive communication will need good emotional intelligence.
Great information! Thank you Alex.
Glad you enjoyed it!
I have a very fractured communication style. I'm passive-aggressive. It's hard to say about myself, but it's true.
This is so insightful. Thanks for sharing Alex! Gonna keep these tips in mind to be an even more assertive communicator 🤓
Dear Sir, Excellent.
This is incredibly helpful and to the point! Much appreciated
Love your point about good listening and the connection between aggressive communication and control.
Passive aggressive/exploding dominant for me. Will try to change that.
You can do it, Mr. Q.
I will change my communication . Thank you so much for the video .
most people in the society are passive aggressive communicator. But that is also a business tactics, and many managers/ supervisors do that, despite best of management trainings.
thanks for the advice, very helpful and clear! i didnt realise i was being passive
6:20 I can’t control what you do I can only control what I do
7:00 I language
You’re giving me too much work
I’m feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work I have
Alex I’m pained that I’m an aggressive communicator with my husband and kids. I’m trying to be better. Thank you for this.
Hi, Marietta. Well, I'm glad you found the video.
I don’t consider myself being patient and humble, but I do give people the benefit of the doubt and speak up before I have a cause to get angry. I know I have to work on those ideas on letting things settle before I get to express myself, maybe people don’t take me seriously because I speak up too much and come across as being aggressive, I tire them out. But really it seems like they can’t understand the words that come out if my mouth 😩 I get so disappointed with people that look into my eyes just to get my reaction from the things they say and do, because they know those things make me uncomfortable. I came to understand that people have their own personalities and I have to accept that fact and live my life without getting affected for what people do or don’t do, for what they say or choose to be silent, for the empathy, respect and reactions or lack of them. I enjoy learning more about how to manage my own emotions and how to regulate myself, examine myself, to be a good communicator and being a better listener. It’s a bumpy road to go through, cannot have it smooth right away, probably with certain people never, but at least I can recognize the potential dangers and avoid them as much as possible.
Wow just watching this video and love it!! Passive 😌
Really amazing video, thank you so much 😇☺️👍
I'm here because I woke regretting not speaking up for myself, over and over...
This video explains everything I should have fixed about myself a long time ago. Thank you so much.
Glad it helped!
@@alexanderlyon it's gonna help me teach my kids good communication so they enter the world better off so I appreciate it very much buddy.
It’s not too late. You’re learning it in time to make positive changes. 🙂
Using these tips will work with people who are mindful and intelligent enough to hear what I am saying. Sadly, a lot of the people I have to interact with are just ignorant.
this is so on point and helpful. also very relatable.
I’m passive aggressive. Some say aggressive when getting my point across. That comes from my childhood of fighting to be heard. Still today when I’m with my mom and sister I can’t get a word in edge wise! Now as a team lead, mentor, and coach I try NOT to be aggressive but then it may come out passive aggressive.
Top class Alex. Any speech is an easy way to learn
Tks alex
I really need to learn the I language. Thanks for the insightful package
Mine is the assertive one, thanks for this informative video!
Please never stop making videos! All great tips
More to come, Emylou. Thanks for your encouragement.
I really appreciate this! Thank you 😊it would be useful if you can increment on how to communicate with someone who uses passive aggressive or aggressive communication
That's an interesting suggestion! The short answer is to communicate assertively when people are either passive aggressive or aggressive. In other words, it's not really about being strategic or outmaneuvering them. If you continue to practice good assertive communication, then that will lead to the best possible outcome in most cases.
Great topic, thanks, very informative and useful.
Glad it was helpful, vaidas.
I understand "I language", but sometimes it is the behavior of the other person that is the issue lol
I agree also that takijg time to reflect on the topic that needs to be breached is useful- however sometimes some issues are time sensitive or require immediate responses.
I'm in a position of leadership and intend to have a more agreeable personality and can struggle with more vocal and demanding personalities- and sometimes it is nessesary to respond quickly.
So interesting. I have a problem with that. Tend to have passive communication. Is there an on-line workshop or something like that related to this topic?
Thank you for these great tips. I learned a lot.