Me too! But then my partner ghosts me if I tell him I need communication at least a smiley or kissy emoji once a day if he’s too busy to say “hi how are you doing?” Is that too much to ask?
That’s me too, I feel like I’m always the one initiating text and calls and planning our dates, initiating sex. I just want those things reciprocated, like they were in the beginning honey moon phase. Other wise I’ll shut down no longer feel connected and want to break up. I’m not overly needy and take my time for hobbies activities and my kids. Both divorced with kids and only really see each other every other weekend. I’m AP and she is FA. Can we work thru this? I communicate what I need, but lately react emotional or mad. But it just pushes her away more.
@@kicksalot9943 I¨ve struggled with little bit the same. Nowadays I said that man, you would not have a relationship if it wasn't for my efforts. I arrange meetings each time. Now I have demanded everyother meeting is initiated by him. It is not working great but he saw what I meant. He just got so used to me arraging everything.
Yes same here I was with a dismissive avoidant it was so hard we were on and off all the time.. I didnt have to be with her all the time i just wanted to know that she took us seriously and just wanted her to be committed to giving our relationship a fair go
I'm dismissive avoidant trying to do self therapy. My anxious attachment partner pointed out my"always wanting to be alone" flaw and i remember hearing the term "attachment disorder" as a teen and decided to look into it wheni came upon these videos. I've learned alot about myself and I'm the one that showed my partner these videos in hopes that we can understand each other more
It's really awesome to see a DA who is taking their own initiative to work on these things. So often, DAs do not seen or want to face that there is any problem that they need to participate in working on--or at least that is the way it often appears to other people. So it usually appears that DAs won't do any work on themselves unless a partner has made that a "boundary" required to continue the relationship. And even then it seems like many DAs are more likely to let it end than truly engage. So, the prospect of a DA in your life growing and changing out of their own desire can seem like pretty bleak hope. Thank you for showing it can and does happen!
@14:38 If someone told me they only wanted to see me once a week...that sounds absolutely horrid, especially so if other people don't get that same restriction. Other people get to see you more but not me...why? How I could NOT see that as a negative reflection on me? Even acknowledging that I fit into the Anxious Attachment camp, I can't fathom how someone could expect any sort of love to grow from that. If we do the math, that means that I only get to see you 52 times a year....WHAT? (104 if twice a week). And that's not even assuming that it's the whole day. It could just be a lunch date here..a movie-watch there..a dinner date here...and so forth. How are you supposed to bond with someone, create a family with them, or establish anything that resembles a life TOGETHER like that? The more content I watch regarding these topics, the more signs I see within myself and can identify with. But at the same time, I also start to feel more hopeless because this "other" type of relationship that should be attained sounds absolutely miserable. Over the years I've spared no expense in cultivating myself and building myself, but yes, *of course* there has been a feeling of something missing. How could there not be. I can't have a wife and kids by myself, can I? Of course not. The very aspect of trying to maximize my individual happiness in hopes to not fall prey to my anxious attachment tendencies has proven emotionally exhausting in and of itself. And in the end, I feel compelled to cling to them when they do come around, because from my experience when people have the opportunity to leave, they do.
Holy crap. You and me both. My heart ached a little reading your comment. I feel like my partner just throws crumbs at me, I don't always know what he's doing (he won't message like half a day or at night) and only see each other like once a week. EVERYONE who I've told about how often we see each other judges and wonders how I could be happy like this. I just play it off.... I've gotten to the point where I'm resentful and working through my fear of abandonment and emotional deprivation with my therapist. :S But a partner should still prioritise you to a degree, right?
@@cherii20075 wow I can relate to you both!! Yeah I feel like my partner should priotize me...and all my previous relationships didnt grow more because i was the one who is priotizing them...initiaing...planning meets up and dates...but it was exhausting...but now I think I got an anxious attachment style partner..it is amazing we are each others priorty..but I wonder if on the long term that would be ok...as it may lead us to dependancy on each other and constant need for emotions and affection and clinginess
You really helped me while struggling with my Attachment issues...it is through u that I discovered I was an Anxious n how I operated n boy did that help me ...All I want to say is I really appreciate what you are doing u are really making a difference in people's lives ...with love from Tanzania
I think at this point I'd rather date a fellow AA whose working on themselves over an avoidant. If I can only attract avoidants I would rather stay single for life.
My husband is dismissive avoidant, lost his job . I tried to be very supportive. Today he sent me this message: "Made it to Dallas. At my favorite bookstore😁 Talked to Lisa the whole way up. She took the news well. Very supportive" It made me feel so much pain. Lisa is his ex wife. Why he talked to her 2 hours about his problems? I am here for him. And why he has to let me know about this.?
@@nataliiagavryliuk1633 it's much easier being lighthearted about a guy losing his job if that guy is not your husband anymore. Unfair to compare you to her, it's obvious she's going to give zero f*cks about it, shrug it off and act 100% supportive, he's not her problem anymore. Oh, DA's and their sick deal with the fantasy ex...
Ok, so how does an Anxious Attachment person meet their own needs when it comes to intimacy in a relationship? I can make my own food, hang out with my own friends (though what the hell is the point of a relationship if we just do our own shit and only collectively raise kids and pay bills?) I can give space, but i can't have real intimacy alone.
I kind of do have "intimacy" alone, like my alone time, my me-time, it is very intimate and strengthens the bond with myself, helps me to love myself more, learn to enjoy your own company as something beautiful and precious, not something you do becauso you have no choice! There will be still enough intimacy with your partner left. Also when you are single you also don't get any intimacy, does that mean you are always unhappy when you're single?
DA can make preoccupied anxious go mad just to get regular updates. Triggers major anxiety. Refusing to provide simple updates but expecting them from you. For what? I don't know and it is just not worth it to your nervous system. Why does preoccupied anxious have to be law abiding to protect DA feelings when it is not reciprocated? Just not worth the pain brought on from the bread crumbing. Why does DA expect so much while giving so little in return.
And when the dismissive pulls away again and again and eventually the partners has an affair to help meet their own needs, then that person is labeled a no good cheater, a low life, etc. etc. yet, the dismissive is not questioned one bit for pulling away their love, attention, affection, their time, etc.
damn, so cheating is ok now... Why not just leave them first so you can do your own thing? It's not ok for anyone to cheat, not ok for DAs to cheat and not ok for APs to cheat.
Ok, someone answer this please. All of this is about not spending too much time together because the dismissive feels this or that, how in the hell is a marriage, one roof, sharing bills, building a stable financial future together, raising kids, etc. etc. supposed to work with an avoidant? It’s not like we want to be 50 and as a couple we are spending 1 or 2 evenings together because the dismissive can’t (or chooses not to) handle being too close! Come on!
I wonder about that and throughout life we will experience loss of a family member, illness and problems. Can we expect them to show up during those times when they don't want to spend any time together?
Thank you for this. I've been actively using what's in this video and the others in this particular series and it has really opened up whole new areas for me to work on, and enabled me to communicate so much better.
Wow! Thank you Thais. This has to be one of the most Important videos I have ever watched for self development. I wish I had seen this when it was first published, just as I was entering a relationship with a fearful avoidant! I had never even heard of attachment theory back then and had no idea that it could have such an impact on our relationship. Alas, it burnt out very quickly. But now I better understand why, and that it's not just down to me, not being wrong in some way or not enough. Also, in doing the work on myself, and learning to communicate my needs and understand those of others, that there is hope for the future. Thank you.
Wow this 2nd half of the video really gives me insight of how I can be in my current relationship. I can understand why I can be anxious or frustrated when my needs or wants are not met to my expectations lol. So this is a great place to start and definitely be talking about these things to my partner 🥰
super helpful video. thank you. I was very anxious of the amount of time I thought/wanted to spend in relationship, but with my AD/FD partner, it was structured and limited to two days s week. now it's more of a three days, and I think I'm a lot better now. but your videos helped me to realize that I'm anxious in this relationship. working on becoming secure attached. thank you again
A comment from another video I liked was “DA’s will make any other attachment style feel anxious!” I use to think I was always a secure attachment guy, now, being with a DA, I’ve become a AP. I’d love to hear Thais’s take on what I feel. That is, most of anxious preoccupied issues can be mitigated by how a DA shows up which in turn will give the DA what they need.
Your videos are great. What you’re doing is amazing. I can’t tell you how much you’ve helped me. Also your audio is rough. You cut in and out a lot. It looks like you have a good mic but your videos sound very cloudy. Just a heads up.
Lately I am listening a lot of videos with analysis of the term codependency. As a term it hit off in 80's to describe enabling behaviours of partners and members of families of addicts and alcoholics. Since then, it became a vague term that describes the situation where (usually) "needy" and upset woman is making a lot of fuss and noise about how her unmet needs to her (usually) dissmisive partner that avoids any talk that involves feelings, commitment or realablilty. First of all, humans have needs. We have needs that only others can fulfill. We developed families, societies- the whole civilisations because we work together and we "use" each other to create and prosper. That's why since the dawn of time we pair up. When we do not get our needs met, at first we are gently saying, then we are persistingly asking and then, when you still do not get your needs met, you scream and shout and kick. It same happens with emotional needs. I absolutely adore this channel, I am so greateful that I came to this place where I can learn so much about myself. I'm just asking, don't use the term codependent, because in psychology this term is still wobbly defined, without proper instrument to measure and it does inspire shame and guilt around behaviours that are here to enhance connection and protect the needs of the one whose needs go unmet for prolonged period of time. Plus, it became mysogonistic. Peace y'all!
I always try to be understanding and gentle with my partner but i am getting a bit annoyed lately by his anxious behaviour, he is just so needy and doesn't understand himself fully and i don't know what to do... i really do love him but he is so demanding it is a bit hard
If you love him, and wana stay and be with him...then you have to be patient. Straight up! Try and give him little things that he needs. Like giving him a bit more attention when he or you gets home from work. Not hard stuff...but that will go a long way in his head that he matters to you.
If your partner cries all the time you are causing them great pain. What you think is understanding may not be enough for the person. You feeling annoyed shows that your being understanding has a cap. How can you be understanding if you're really just annoyed and want them to be quiet and content? Do you reflect on the countless times they have given you love without you having to put in work to ask? Think about parting ways. It's truly hurting the anxious person. This may not apply to you but in case it does.
Wauw, dating someone with anxious attachment is draining and hurtful. They lash out each time they feel anxious. I am done healing someone who does not put effort in healing themselves.
Yeah be careful, if they are too anxious and unwilling to put in the work to become more secure, it can become really painful and they could push you to become avoidant. They need to learn how to communicate and manage some of their own needs, they have to be able to meet you in the middle.
@@fractaldisarray1518 Thanks! I was done after 3 weeks. Too much toxicity and passive agressive ma ipulative games. It reminded me of covert narcissism. Vulnerable, yet lying, controlling, passive agressive. No dude... im out.
You have done such a great job of explaining how I sometimes feel! Is there such a thing as secure/anxious attachment? Ie: having worked through most of my personal issues to be and feel secure until we have to separate for an extended period due to schedules.
I have noticed people who dismissive in their actions and thoughts take your attachment style quiz and they all get “secure”. But I don’t think they are secure lol. Have you heard of this before?
My ex put a wall up on communication and built resentment towards me. Exited saying we stagnated. Thus missing the expectations of continued “fireworks.” She didn’t seem to like a stable relationship, especially when Covid limited fun things to do.
Thank you this helped me a lot. Especially the end.. I'm in a long distance relationship relationship and our lives are very different....lately his work and family have caused a big gap in our phone time and it's starting to wear on me bc I haven't been able to vent like I need too or have his voice to comfort me...I have severe anxiety and bipolar 1 and ptsd and all the things..lol...I'm raising my 3 yr old baby brother alone...I have no friends...I get no breaks...he is my only outlet and I think that's why it's hurting so much....we plan to be together some day, but he thinks when I try to explain things I'm bitxhing at him but I try really hard to control my tone and explain it all but I don't do a good job and trip over my words and it just sucks but the love for each other is there.... it's just so damn complicated 😕
As a secure attachment leaning anxious, I struggle with wanting to fall deeply in love with an anxious attachment and not sacrificing myself in the process because they are such people pleasers. 😔
I'm a anxious type and certainly not a people pleaser. I tend to put people off by ignoring them, which strangely draws to me the avoidant types. I'm so tired of their blow hot blow cold behaviours. I wish they stayed away from me.
Thais, I doubt you'll read this message or even respond but I'll ask anyway. I've been searching a lot of information on Attachment Theory and such and a lot of these books, videos and articles online always point to three different things: Stoic Philosophy, Mindfulness, and Self Compassion. When I read information on Stoicism and how psychology has used it, I get articles about CBT, DBT, REBT, Adlerian Psychology, and Logotherapy. Mindfulness I find stuff from Buddhism, Taoism, Meditation, and such. Then self compassion, I found that NVC (nonviolent Communication) focuses on being compassionate with yourself and with others, understanding their feelings and needs. So, my question to you is: What's the right approach to all of this? The whole thing is overwhelming, so much to learn yet so vague. Is there one source I can just simply focus on and get the best out of it?
Attachment theory belongs with ALL these psychological orientations. Attachment theory works in parallel. Because once you know which attachment style you have, then you can identify the core wound and apply a therapeutic approach to solving it. With FA because it’s specifically a response to trauma, you need a trauma informed therapist who can practice a somatic style of therapy. ( body sensation therapy ? Because trauma is always stored in the body.
Love that you are so curious and you are expanding your beautiful mind. ∆ Athena ∆ said it best and she is 💯 accurate. I only wish to add, please remember that EVERYTHING we all were taught to be facts in science, in math, in cognitive theory and pretty much all studies in life are being challenged and disproven every day. So i believe it all boils down to this: Whatever feels good for you or brings you joy or believing it makes you happy, do, think, believe that. You got this;) Agape to you and yours
Some avoidants are totally emotionally unavailable because they refuse to let go of a grudge from their past often with their parents and they just won't allow any relationship their in to be healthy at all but selfishly take what they want from others without ever considering the notion that some of us also have feelings. They think that if anyone trusts them enough to let them hurt them, it's their own fault and they will never accept responsibility for how they hurt everyone. So it seems to me.
I witnessed myself become anxious but it seems it's because I am avoidant. I believe I'm fearful avoidant and automatically align with other fearful avoidants, it becomes this crazy dance of vasillating until one of us gets sick of the rollercoaster and says ok no more, I need off of this crazy thing. lol omg, I've finally been dumped and I care so much for this woman and have done so much personal work, as much as I would love so much as a hello or dare I say a hug... I would be just as glad to see her happy and free of anxiety. I love her. I'm still struggling with freeing myself from the attachment I suppose. Ok I'll hug a pillow for now. It's about a year now since she blew me off in a very bad way. She stonewall's stronger than Jackson. She's a Muslim woman and has seen heavy abuse. I pick up on the fact that people have seen heavy heavy trauma at first sight from their posture, their facial expression and the look in their eyes and get involved as a friend that wants to help but I started to value this woman's happiness over my own.
Then FFS...communicate!!! Provide a little more clarity on what "space" translates to. It usually means walking away. This anxious person has learned from an avoidant ex of five years to just walk the fuck away. If you can't communicate your needs or personal boundaries, then of course it will take the illusion that personal freedom and identity is infringed upon. I'm certainly cognizant of my attachment and have explored myself more...she on the other hand...I would wager isn't watching these videos or reading up on it. She just recreates her safe, familiar neglect and isolation with every withdrawal. I won't even discuss the passive aggressiveness or gaslighting I experienced last April...or my own triggered trauma...the man I found on my couch one Friday night.
Hey Brandon, went through the same situation. Where I was actively working on myself (slightly A.A.) my partner (A.D.) made up tons of excuses not to get together. Mind you, we only hung out once a week from the start, can conversations were limited. I was the only one to initiate growth conversations, and want things to progress. It's not just one person's role to do that. Had to separate when I finally woke up.
I am have an anxious attachment sttyle and for that reason i don't want to be in a relationship where i don't actually know what i want, How to break that barrier so i can think "Maybe it's time to give it a try"!?
I'm an anxious type and can relate to this need. I found the only way forward is to sit down with yourself, decide your needs and desires, and share those with your date, and keep talking about it every now and then, till you are both sure you want to be together or move apart. Its not fun and it's not a guarantee, but I have yet to find an alternative. Hope this helps.
Def felt this my bf is anxious attached I had said I need an hour space they wanted to break up but then said sorry few minutes later. I feel sometimes anxious attachment don’t really realize as an avoidant attachment it can be smothering. But as an avoident we still wanna be loved and cared for so I’m watching this for him
Hi... I have a really hard time keeping a romantic relationship. I've pushed yet again a very loving guy away and I feel like so evil... I don't feel like life is worth living if I can't change despite my conscious efforts. Can anyone please give me a piece of advice on how to find the right balance between being anxiously attached and dismissive of someone. Yes, I'm a fearful avoidant and I'm so emotionally tired of everything.
CL ugh I so get it. I feel like I push men away. I have learned to check in with my heart and to see how I feel. If my heart feels tight then that is a signal to me that I need to show compassion towards myself. I feel it is easier to let go the kinder I am to myself
@@Msamm777 But I didn't want him to leave... I know my needs and at that moment I just needed space, as a fearful avoidant. It crushes me to realize he left because of my attachment style... Because of who I am. I feel so... worthless 😖
It is extremely hard to balance. In every break up it is never just 1 person's responsibility. Still dont think of yourself as evil. You are only human. Take 1 step at a time to improve what u need to improve. If u didnt want the guy to leave maybe u could invite him to just talk over coffee and discuss what happened with an open mind. Dont be hard on yourself. It takes much trial and error to get what u want and need in relationahips. Dont give up.
every video is like 💡 going off really ❤️ the stuff..., but just now..., is it me or is she really mixing up the audience of the video and changes between talking to the partners of anxiously attached individuals and the anxiously attached individuals themselves? or am I being the D.A. here who needs to break down EVERYTHING and needs a clearer guide on what every "they" refers to when she talks. 😭
😢 this is hard to hear because I’m the avoidant and I think my ex was the anxious. I see how I have hurt him by saying I’m scared, and putting barriers here and there. I see my errors that I did not address sooner
I was wondering - has anyone came across a person who begins as anxious preoccupied and then a year down the road turns into dismissive avoidant? This is a new one that I’ve come across in a recent partner. Would that be considered fearful avoidant? Anyone else experienced this with a partner??
I like how humans jump to the "no one can meet your needs 100% of the time" anytime you have an unmet need. It feels annoying to hear the assumption that it HAS to be Purely 100% of the time. Can it be at least 10% ???? Ugh it just feels like a shut down of whatever you are needing by making your request sound extreme.
Bro you shouldn't have waited for 3 month Anyways Be a little more independent and find someone worthy of you And don't kill yourself with guilt and why did I waste my time with her or whatever such questions. It's all about how you change and evolve
This is great content but your sound recording is not great, making it hard to follow what you are saying. I'd love to share this with someone, but English is not their first language and I know they would struggle to understand. Otherwise great!
Would it be better for both people in the relationship to be anxiously attached and then they would understand each other better ? I have just gone through a break up and in one way he was very supportive and understanding but the same issues kept reacuring and I found myself spinning out of control with anxiety and it just got to the point where nothing felt genuine anymore that evrything he did was just to try and appease me but it was not from the heart because we were so difrent in our needs. He tried very hard and the harder he tried the more anxious I became I felt it was all fake and I felt that he will get burned out from trying and I just became more and more increasingly out of control. I could not let go of the idea that if we were on the same page we should want the same things in the same way.
I deeply love his heart and soul but my anxiety in the relationship became unbearable to me and I was constantly in a negative space. I lost someone I deeply care for but there was no other way I just could not handle it I had no peace. I felt like I constantly tried to change him to meat my needs. It became incredibly exhausting. But I’m broken because I loved him more then anything.
Speak slower, you don’t need to catch the next bus. Relax and breathe, so your audience actually can hear and digest the message you’re trying to send here.
I really don't need or want to be with my partner 24/7. I just need to know the commitment is solid.
Yes I also value my time and freedom but the DA cannot give that assurance that we have a solid commitment.
Me too! But then my partner ghosts me if I tell him I need communication at least a smiley or kissy emoji once a day if he’s too busy to say “hi how are you doing?” Is that too much to ask?
That’s me too, I feel like I’m always the one initiating text and calls and planning our dates, initiating sex. I just want those things reciprocated, like they were in the beginning honey moon phase. Other wise I’ll shut down no longer feel connected and want to break up. I’m not overly needy and take my time for hobbies activities and my kids. Both divorced with kids and only really see each other every other weekend. I’m AP and she is FA. Can we work thru this? I communicate what I need, but lately react emotional or mad. But it just pushes her away more.
@@kicksalot9943 I¨ve struggled with little bit the same. Nowadays I said that man, you would not have a relationship if it wasn't for my efforts. I arrange meetings each time. Now I have demanded everyother meeting is initiated by him. It is not working great but he saw what I meant. He just got so used to me arraging everything.
Yes same here I was with a dismissive avoidant it was so hard we were on and off all the time.. I didnt have to be with her all the time i just wanted to know that she took us seriously and just wanted her to be committed to giving our relationship a fair go
Info begins at 04:40
Thank you!
I'm dismissive avoidant trying to do self therapy. My anxious attachment partner pointed out my"always wanting to be alone" flaw and i remember hearing the term "attachment disorder" as a teen and decided to look into it wheni came upon these videos. I've learned alot about myself and I'm the one that showed my partner these videos in hopes that we can understand each other more
It's really awesome to see a DA who is taking their own initiative to work on these things. So often, DAs do not seen or want to face that there is any problem that they need to participate in working on--or at least that is the way it often appears to other people. So it usually appears that DAs won't do any work on themselves unless a partner has made that a "boundary" required to continue the relationship. And even then it seems like many DAs are more likely to let it end than truly engage.
So, the prospect of a DA in your life growing and changing out of their own desire can seem like pretty bleak hope. Thank you for showing it can and does happen!
You deserve more than a million subscribers
Roshall Lambert Agreed!!! 💜💜
And she's getting them
@@empress_highpriestess3307 Thanks for the love!!
@@sshuteandrew Thank you!!
Thanks for the love Roshall!
@14:38 If someone told me they only wanted to see me once a week...that sounds absolutely horrid, especially so if other people don't get that same restriction. Other people get to see you more but not me...why? How I could NOT see that as a negative reflection on me? Even acknowledging that I fit into the Anxious Attachment camp, I can't fathom how someone could expect any sort of love to grow from that. If we do the math, that means that I only get to see you 52 times a year....WHAT? (104 if twice a week). And that's not even assuming that it's the whole day. It could just be a lunch date here..a movie-watch there..a dinner date here...and so forth. How are you supposed to bond with someone, create a family with them, or establish anything that resembles a life TOGETHER like that? The more content I watch regarding these topics, the more signs I see within myself and can identify with. But at the same time, I also start to feel more hopeless because this "other" type of relationship that should be attained sounds absolutely miserable. Over the years I've spared no expense in cultivating myself and building myself, but yes, *of course* there has been a feeling of something missing. How could there not be. I can't have a wife and kids by myself, can I? Of course not. The very aspect of trying to maximize my individual happiness in hopes to not fall prey to my anxious attachment tendencies has proven emotionally exhausting in and of itself. And in the end, I feel compelled to cling to them when they do come around, because from my experience when people have the opportunity to leave, they do.
Holy crap. You and me both. My heart ached a little reading your comment. I feel like my partner just throws crumbs at me, I don't always know what he's doing (he won't message like half a day or at night) and only see each other like once a week. EVERYONE who I've told about how often we see each other judges and wonders how I could be happy like this. I just play it off.... I've gotten to the point where I'm resentful and working through my fear of abandonment and emotional deprivation with my therapist. :S But a partner should still prioritise you to a degree, right?
@@cherii20075 wow I can relate to you both!! Yeah I feel like my partner should priotize me...and all my previous relationships didnt grow more because i was the one who is priotizing them...initiaing...planning meets up and dates...but it was exhausting...but now I think I got an anxious attachment style partner..it is amazing we are each others priorty..but I wonder if on the long term that would be ok...as it may lead us to dependancy on each other and constant need for emotions and affection and clinginess
You really helped me while struggling with my Attachment issues...it is through u that I discovered I was an Anxious n how I operated n boy did that help me ...All I want to say is I really appreciate what you are doing u are really making a difference in people's lives ...with love from Tanzania
I am so happy to hear that. Thanks for always sharing your appreciation. It is always heart-warming to read your comments!
I think at this point I'd rather date a fellow AA whose working on themselves over an avoidant. If I can only attract avoidants I would rather stay single for life.
I'm a dismiss avoidant, and I have been watching a lot of your videos 😆 but I also have been working on myself a lot over the last few years
Thank you! I am dismissive avoidant - at the moment- working on it, and I'm listening!!❤️😂
My husband is dismissive avoidant, lost his job . I tried to be very supportive. Today he sent me this message: "Made it to Dallas. At my favorite bookstore😁 Talked to Lisa the whole way up. She took the news well. Very supportive" It made me feel so much pain. Lisa is his ex wife. Why he talked to her 2 hours about his problems? I am here for him. And why he has to let me know about this.?
@@nataliiagavryliuk1633 it's much easier being lighthearted about a guy losing his job if that guy is not your husband anymore. Unfair to compare you to her, it's obvious she's going to give zero f*cks about it, shrug it off and act 100% supportive, he's not her problem anymore. Oh, DA's and their sick deal with the fantasy ex...
Ok, so how does an Anxious Attachment person meet their own needs when it comes to intimacy in a relationship? I can make my own food, hang out with my own friends (though what the hell is the point of a relationship if we just do our own shit and only collectively raise kids and pay bills?) I can give space, but i can't have real intimacy alone.
"I can't have real intimacy alone" I struggle with this balance as well. Its so difficult.
gosh.....really.. preach friend.
Same! I feel the same thing. If I have to do everything on my own then what's the point of a relationship?
I kind of do have "intimacy" alone, like my alone time, my me-time, it is very intimate and strengthens the bond with myself, helps me to love myself more, learn to enjoy your own company as something beautiful and precious, not something you do becauso you have no choice! There will be still enough intimacy with your partner left. Also when you are single you also don't get any intimacy, does that mean you are always unhappy when you're single?
Girl i feel ya!
I just love you, you have no idea how much your videos have helped, ❤
DA can make preoccupied anxious go mad just to get regular updates. Triggers major anxiety. Refusing to provide simple updates but expecting them from you. For what? I don't know and it is just not worth it to your nervous system. Why does preoccupied anxious have to be law abiding to protect DA feelings when it is not reciprocated? Just not worth the pain brought on from the bread crumbing. Why does DA expect so much while giving so little in return.
This video feels like the most relevant video for me that I have ever watched on RUclips. Thank you, Thais, for helping me understand myself better!
And when the dismissive pulls away again and again and eventually the partners has an affair to help meet their own needs, then that person is labeled a no good cheater, a low life, etc. etc. yet, the dismissive is not questioned one bit for pulling away their love, attention, affection, their time, etc.
Exactly
damn, so cheating is ok now... Why not just leave them first so you can do your own thing? It's not ok for anyone to cheat, not ok for DAs to cheat and not ok for APs to cheat.
I just love how kind and gentle Thais is as she explains all these things about us❤
Ok, someone answer this please. All of this is about not spending too much time together because the dismissive feels this or that, how in the hell is a marriage, one roof, sharing bills, building a stable financial future together, raising kids, etc. etc. supposed to work with an avoidant? It’s not like we want to be 50 and as a couple we are spending 1 or 2 evenings together because the dismissive can’t (or chooses not to) handle being too close! Come on!
I wonder about that and throughout life we will experience loss of a family member, illness and problems. Can we expect them to show up during those times when they don't want to spend any time together?
I hear ya man. It takes two to make common ground
You described me to a T love this channel it makes it easier to understand why I think and do the things i do in relationships!
Video starts at @4:46
Thank you for this. I've been actively using what's in this video and the others in this particular series and it has really opened up whole new areas for me to work on, and enabled me to communicate so much better.
Wow! Thank you Thais.
This has to be one of the most Important videos I have ever watched for self development.
I wish I had seen this when it was first published, just as I was entering a relationship with a fearful avoidant! I had never even heard of attachment theory back then and had no idea that it could have such an impact on our relationship. Alas, it burnt out very quickly. But now I better understand why, and that it's not just down to me, not being wrong in some way or not enough. Also, in doing the work on myself, and learning to communicate my needs and understand those of others, that there is hope for the future. Thank you.
this hurts so much to hear but it's true, thank you
This video hit countless triggers. I wrote 11 pages out. Thank you. You're helping me uncover my core wounds! *hugs*
I thought this was meant for the PARTNER of the AA. This appears to be telling the AA what they need to do - again.
The unfortunate part is that the preoccupied anxious generally has to put in more work
Wow this 2nd half of the video really gives me insight of how I can be in my current relationship. I can understand why I can be anxious or frustrated when my needs or wants are not met to my expectations lol. So this is a great place to start and definitely be talking about these things to my partner 🥰
super helpful video. thank you. I was very anxious of the amount of time I thought/wanted to spend in relationship, but with my AD/FD partner, it was structured and limited to two days s week. now it's more of a three days, and I think I'm a lot better now. but your videos helped me to realize that I'm anxious in this relationship. working on becoming secure attached. thank you again
Thais you are living your purpose. You bring so much value to the world and for humanity. A true gift of God ❤🧡💛
I am so proud of you!
Thanks for sharing, very informative :)
A comment from another video I liked was “DA’s will make any other attachment style feel anxious!” I use to think I was always a secure attachment guy, now, being with a DA, I’ve become a AP. I’d love to hear Thais’s take on what I feel. That is, most of anxious preoccupied issues can be mitigated by how a DA shows up which in turn will give the DA what they need.
Your videos are great. What you’re doing is amazing. I can’t tell you how much you’ve helped me.
Also your audio is rough. You cut in and out a lot. It looks like you have a good mic but your videos sound very cloudy. Just a heads up.
You’re amazing ♥️ Just the microphone makes it difficult to understand 😳
I really needed this thank you
I wish I had seen your videos 3 years earlier.
Microphone muffles your voice making it difficult to understand. Great content. You are loved!
Lately I am listening a lot of videos with analysis of the term codependency. As a term it hit off in 80's to describe enabling behaviours of partners and members of families of addicts and alcoholics. Since then, it became a vague term that describes the situation where (usually) "needy" and upset woman is making a lot of fuss and noise about how her unmet needs to her (usually) dissmisive partner that avoids any talk that involves feelings, commitment or realablilty. First of all, humans have needs. We have needs that only others can fulfill. We developed families, societies- the whole civilisations because we work together and we "use" each other to create and prosper. That's why since the dawn of time we pair up. When we do not get our needs met, at first we are gently saying, then we are persistingly asking and then, when you still do not get your needs met, you scream and shout and kick. It same happens with emotional needs. I absolutely adore this channel, I am so greateful that I came to this place where I can learn so much about myself. I'm just asking, don't use the term codependent, because in psychology this term is still wobbly defined, without proper instrument to measure and it does inspire shame and guilt around behaviours that are here to enhance connection and protect the needs of the one whose needs go unmet for prolonged period of time. Plus, it became mysogonistic. Peace y'all!
I always try to be understanding and gentle with my partner but i am getting a bit annoyed lately by his anxious behaviour, he is just so needy and doesn't understand himself fully and i don't know what to do... i really do love him but he is so demanding it is a bit hard
If you love him, and wana stay and be with him...then you have to be patient. Straight up! Try and give him little things that he needs. Like giving him a bit more attention when he or you gets home from work. Not hard stuff...but that will go a long way in his head that he matters to you.
Nevermind i left him! He was borderline mentally abusive and I put up with his bullsh*t because I was so in love
Mr. Fett Esq. also, I did, I did a lot of small and big things but he never appreciated them so eff him 🤷🏻♀️
If your partner cries all the time you are causing them great pain. What you think is understanding may not be enough for the person. You feeling annoyed shows that your being understanding has a cap. How can you be understanding if you're really just annoyed and want them to be quiet and content? Do you reflect on the countless times they have given you love without you having to put in work to ask? Think about parting ways. It's truly hurting the anxious person. This may not apply to you but in case it does.
Thank you so much darling! I love this and it helps me so much xxx
Your videos are very insightful.
Thank you so much.
Wauw, dating someone with anxious attachment is draining and hurtful. They lash out each time they feel anxious. I am done healing someone who does not put effort in healing themselves.
Yeah be careful, if they are too anxious and unwilling to put in the work to become more secure, it can become really painful and they could push you to become avoidant. They need to learn how to communicate and manage some of their own needs, they have to be able to meet you in the middle.
@@fractaldisarray1518 Thanks! I was done after 3 weeks. Too much toxicity and passive agressive ma ipulative games. It reminded me of covert narcissism. Vulnerable, yet lying, controlling, passive agressive. No dude... im out.
Wait, who is she talking about now? The secure of anxious partner? I'm getting confused..
She’s speaking to the AA and trying to tell them how their partner relates to and responds to their anxious attachment.
You have done such a great job of explaining how I sometimes feel! Is there such a thing as secure/anxious attachment? Ie: having worked through most of my personal issues to be and feel secure until we have to separate for an extended period due to schedules.
I have noticed people who dismissive in their actions and thoughts take your attachment style quiz and they all get “secure”. But I don’t think they are secure lol. Have you heard of this before?
My ex put a wall up on communication and built resentment towards me. Exited saying we stagnated. Thus missing the expectations of continued “fireworks.” She didn’t seem to like a stable relationship, especially when Covid limited fun things to do.
Thank you this helped me a lot. Especially the end.. I'm in a long distance relationship relationship and our lives are very different....lately his work and family have caused a big gap in our phone time and it's starting to wear on me bc I haven't been able to vent like I need too or have his voice to comfort me...I have severe anxiety and bipolar 1 and ptsd and all the things..lol...I'm raising my 3 yr old baby brother alone...I have no friends...I get no breaks...he is my only outlet and I think that's why it's hurting so much....we plan to be together some day, but he thinks when I try to explain things I'm bitxhing at him but I try really hard to control my tone and explain it all but I don't do a good job and trip over my words and it just sucks but the love for each other is there.... it's just so damn complicated 😕
Happy Thanksgiving Thais 😊. I plan to take a course & thank u for providing this information. It is great. 💕
As a secure attachment leaning anxious, I struggle with wanting to fall deeply in love with an anxious attachment and not sacrificing myself in the process because they are such people pleasers. 😔
I'm a anxious type and certainly not a people pleaser. I tend to put people off by ignoring them, which strangely draws to me the avoidant types. I'm so tired of their blow hot blow cold behaviours. I wish they stayed away from me.
Incredible content and oh so helpful!
Thank you Thais, very helpful.
Thais, I doubt you'll read this message or even respond but I'll ask anyway. I've been searching a lot of information on Attachment Theory and such and a lot of these books, videos and articles online always point to three different things: Stoic Philosophy, Mindfulness, and Self Compassion. When I read information on Stoicism and how psychology has used it, I get articles about CBT, DBT, REBT, Adlerian Psychology, and Logotherapy. Mindfulness I find stuff from Buddhism, Taoism, Meditation, and such. Then self compassion, I found that NVC (nonviolent Communication) focuses on being compassionate with yourself and with others, understanding their feelings and needs.
So, my question to you is: What's the right approach to all of this? The whole thing is overwhelming, so much to learn yet so vague. Is there one source I can just simply focus on and get the best out of it?
Attachment theory belongs with ALL these psychological orientations.
Attachment theory works in parallel. Because once you know which attachment style you have, then you can identify the core wound and apply a therapeutic approach to solving it.
With FA because it’s specifically a response to trauma, you need a trauma informed therapist who can practice a somatic style of therapy. ( body sensation therapy ? Because trauma is always stored in the body.
Love that you are so curious and you are expanding your beautiful mind.
∆ Athena ∆ said it best and she is 💯 accurate. I only wish to add, please remember that EVERYTHING we all were taught to be facts in science, in math, in cognitive theory and pretty much all studies in life are being challenged and disproven every day. So i believe it all boils down to this:
Whatever feels good for you or brings you joy or believing it makes you happy,
do, think, believe that.
You got this;)
Agape to you and yours
Some avoidants are totally emotionally unavailable because they refuse to let go of a grudge from their past often with their parents and they just won't allow any relationship their in to be healthy at all but selfishly take what they want from others without ever considering the notion that some of us also have feelings. They think that if anyone trusts them enough to let them hurt them, it's their own fault and they will never accept responsibility for how they hurt everyone. So it seems to me.
I witnessed myself become anxious but it seems it's because I am avoidant. I believe I'm fearful avoidant and automatically align with other fearful avoidants, it becomes this crazy dance of vasillating until one of us gets sick of the rollercoaster and says ok no more, I need off of this crazy thing. lol omg, I've finally been dumped and I care so much for this woman and have done so much personal work, as much as I would love so much as a hello or dare I say a hug... I would be just as glad to see her happy and free of anxiety. I love her. I'm still struggling with freeing myself from the attachment I suppose. Ok I'll hug a pillow for now. It's about a year now since she blew me off in a very bad way. She stonewall's stronger than Jackson. She's a Muslim woman and has seen heavy abuse. I pick up on the fact that people have seen heavy heavy trauma at first sight from their posture, their facial expression and the look in their eyes and get involved as a friend that wants to help but I started to value this woman's happiness over my own.
Love the mic upgrade!
Actual vide starts at 4:37
God Bless You!!!!!
Then FFS...communicate!!! Provide a little more clarity on what "space" translates to. It usually means walking away. This anxious person has learned from an avoidant ex of five years to just walk the fuck away. If you can't communicate your needs or personal boundaries, then of course it will take the illusion that personal freedom and identity is infringed upon. I'm certainly cognizant of my attachment and have explored myself more...she on the other hand...I would wager isn't watching these videos or reading up on it. She just recreates her safe, familiar neglect and isolation with every withdrawal. I won't even discuss the passive aggressiveness or gaslighting I experienced last April...or my own triggered trauma...the man I found on my couch one Friday night.
Hey Brandon, went through the same situation. Where I was actively working on myself (slightly A.A.) my partner (A.D.) made up tons of excuses not to get together. Mind you, we only hung out once a week from the start, can conversations were limited. I was the only one to initiate growth conversations, and want things to progress. It's not just one person's role to do that. Had to separate when I finally woke up.
i buy the webinare if you get
the very best solution of your sound problem and this
would be a pin-up microphone! please
I am have an anxious attachment sttyle and for that reason i don't want to be in a relationship where i don't actually know what i want, How to break that barrier so i can think "Maybe it's time to give it a try"!?
I'm an anxious type and can relate to this need. I found the only way forward is to sit down with yourself, decide your needs and desires, and share those with your date, and keep talking about it every now and then, till you are both sure you want to be together or move apart. Its not fun and it's not a guarantee, but I have yet to find an alternative. Hope this helps.
How do you know thats because you are an AA?
Def felt this my bf is anxious attached I had said I need an hour space they wanted to break up but then said sorry few minutes later. I feel sometimes anxious attachment don’t really realize as an avoidant attachment it can be smothering. But as an avoident we still wanna be loved and cared for so I’m watching this for him
Hi... I have a really hard time keeping a romantic relationship. I've pushed yet again a very loving guy away and I feel like so evil... I don't feel like life is worth living if I can't change despite my conscious efforts. Can anyone please give me a piece of advice on how to find the right balance between being anxiously attached and dismissive of someone. Yes, I'm a fearful avoidant and I'm so emotionally tired of everything.
CL ugh I so get it. I feel like I push men away. I have learned to check in with my heart and to see how I feel. If my heart feels tight then that is a signal to me that I need to show compassion towards myself. I feel it is easier to let go the kinder I am to myself
@@Msamm777 But I didn't want him to leave... I know my needs and at that moment I just needed space, as a fearful avoidant. It crushes me to realize he left because of my attachment style... Because of who I am. I feel so... worthless 😖
CL explain to him what your needs are. It’s not too late
It is extremely hard to balance. In every break up it is never just 1 person's responsibility. Still dont think of yourself as evil. You are only human. Take 1 step at a time to improve what u need to improve. If u didnt want the guy to leave maybe u could invite him to just talk over coffee and discuss what happened with an open mind. Dont be hard on yourself. It takes much trial and error to get what u want and need in relationahips. Dont give up.
@@amag6889 Thank you so much for your kind words.
I miss affection
every video is like 💡 going off really ❤️ the stuff..., but just now..., is it me or is she really mixing up the audience of the video and changes between talking to the partners of anxiously attached individuals and the anxiously attached individuals themselves? or am I being the D.A. here who needs to break down EVERYTHING and needs a clearer guide on what every "they" refers to when she talks. 😭
beautiful thank u
😢 this is hard to hear because I’m the avoidant and I think my ex was the anxious. I see how I have hurt him by saying I’m scared, and putting barriers here and there. I see my errors that I did not address sooner
So true!
The sound comes and goes a bit in your videos
I was wondering - has anyone came across a person who begins as anxious preoccupied and then a year down the road turns into dismissive avoidant? This is a new one that I’ve come across in a recent partner. Would that be considered fearful avoidant? Anyone else experienced this with a partner??
Starts at 4:37.
I like how humans jump to the "no one can meet your needs 100% of the time" anytime you have an unmet need. It feels annoying to hear the assumption that it HAS to be Purely 100% of the time. Can it be at least 10% ???? Ugh it just feels like a shut down of whatever you are needing by making your request sound extreme.
if they don't talk to you for 3 months, then that goes beyond taking space and becomes ghosting imo.
Bro you shouldn't have waited for 3 month
Anyways
Be a little more independent and find someone worthy of you
And don't kill yourself with guilt and why did I waste my time with her or whatever such questions.
It's all about how you change and evolve
OK GOOD
This is great content but your sound recording is not great, making it hard to follow what you are saying. I'd love to share this with someone, but English is not their first language and I know they would struggle to understand. Otherwise great!
Would it be better for both people in the relationship to be anxiously attached and then they would understand each other better ? I have just gone through a break up and in one way he was very supportive and understanding but the same issues kept reacuring and I found myself spinning out of control with anxiety and it just got to the point where nothing felt genuine anymore that evrything he did was just to try and appease me but it was not from the heart because we were so difrent in our needs. He tried very hard and the harder he tried the more anxious I became I felt it was all fake and I felt that he will get burned out from trying and I just became more and more increasingly out of control. I could not let go of the idea that if we were on the same page we should want the same things in the same way.
I deeply love his heart and soul but my anxiety in the relationship became unbearable to me and I was constantly in a negative space. I lost someone I deeply care for but there was no other way I just could not handle it I had no peace. I felt like I constantly tried to change him to meat my needs. It became incredibly exhausting. But I’m broken because I loved him more then anything.
💔💔💔💔
It seems like they're more females than males.. damn. I hate being like this.
Very confusing video
That microphone sucks….get a windscreen
Speak slower, you don’t need to catch the next bus. Relax and breathe, so your audience actually can hear and digest the message you’re trying to send here.
Um am I um the only on to um..um to be um distracted by um the alarming um number um of um's ?
Didn't notice until I read this. But now I can't unsee it xD