i feel so obsessive, attached and anxious that i spend hours learning about attachment styles bc i fear i’ll be abandoned if i don’t know how to control myself
1. Keep your core self identity - don't shut out friends or hobbies. Have a healthy support system outside of relationship. 2. Learn how to self soothe - get in touch with feelings and needs. Get to know yourself, what your intentions, feelings, needs, goals, etc. 3. Have healthy relationships outside of relationship. 4. Make sure you're living your life on purpose.
If you are doing all 4 of those, and your partner is still very Fearful-Avoidant, perhaps you are moving more toward 'Secure' and they are not. This can be really problematic.
When I am outside of a relationship I understand all these things like giving enough space but as soon as I really like someone I think completely different and because I am scared I don’t react the right way :/
I am same way, so natural reaction is to stop the relationship and go the the familiar, but I am trying to view every (current) relatioship as a change to grow and to learn to apply these while in relatiohsip, I hope I will be able to do it at ease and naturally eventually.
Because this behavior is a psychological pattern. Trauma makes humans lose their unique identities and do the same or similar things as other people with the same trauma
I can’t seriously date anymore. People are very flaky. One day they are into you and the next they let u go. I can’t do it anymore. I play it cool but it kills me inside .The rejection is too deep and it interrupts my life, my ability to focus on my goals. It’s a pointless investment.
I especially feel so bad in the morning. I wake up and all these negative thoughts rush into my head and make me cry. But I watched your video about reprogramming your mind and I think this is helping a bit. Thank you Thais!
To be honest with you, as soon as I quit caring about what my mother thought (who had narcissistic traits) and told her that, the game changed a lot for me.
as i've researched i really relate to the anxious attachment style but i also think it's worthy of noting that some children are literally threatened with abandonment, not just picked up on a subconscious level. my mother was really loving & warm growing up, my dad was mostly working and quietly suffering from depression. years later, he became verbally abusive, borderline physical, threatened to leave my family on the streets, felt like walking on egg shells around him ever since i could remember. i could see how this was affecting my mother as she fell into a deep depression & i saw her warmth and happiness fade. i couldn't reach in or do anything about it because at a young age you don't really have the tools you need to help yourself, let alone understand your emotions. so you try to reach & reach and you are met with anxiety and emptiness. then you start to assume when anyone seems busy, bothered, detached...that it's all happening again. really great video! just felt like sharing in case anyone else could relate
1. Keep your core self identity - have a healthy support system outside of your relationship 2. Learn how to self soothe - get a hold of your feelings everyday and connect with your needs - get to know yourself on a daily basis - be conscious of your life 3. Meet your own needs 4. Have healthy relationships outside of your relationship 5. Have a lot of ways to enrich your life outside of your relationship - live life with purpose
My mom was and still is neglectful. My father was nonexistent just popped up almost two years ago. My grandparents raised me, mostly my granny. I’ll admit it the neglect and abandonment really did a job on me.
My god with are like twins exactly the same happened to me and 45 years old I've worked out this week that I am Anxious Attachment and why I've lost so many relationships
I’ve listened to nearly all your videos and have defined my attachment style and my husband. I have also signed up for one of your more in depth classes. I have to admit that I am finding it difficult to withstand the uncomfortable emotions which surface, as I recognize truth that hits the bullseye. I get overwhelmed by the “insight bullets” that hit me and have to shut off until the next day, but listen to the videos that hit home, over and over again. I will not give up, but shall proceed at a slower pace when I need to. After listening to many RUclips videos, I’m dedicating my time to your courses because clearly your discussions are directed at a level of UNDERSTANDING meant to CORRECT unhealthy patterns. Unbelievably great information! Thank you.
Wow, thank you for this. I am so honored to be a part of your journey and I was extremely touched to read this. I look so forward to connecting with you and having you in the classes and webinars. Much love to you.
I think my anxious attachment comes from child hood where I feel like my mother and family would treat my cousin better then me. They give her more attention and always calling her beautiful. They treat her like they’re her favorite and it just leaves me not feeling good enough.
Same with my sister and especially with my father and grandmother being so actively disapproving of me by contrast. I felt like i outgrew all this and it can’t be that serious, but omg it really hasn’t left me
Damon, you are not alone. I will echo what our brother Thundercat said. We are worth doing the inner work to become more secure in our relationships. We are courageous men to commence on this journey.
Emotional Abandonment even though your parents were there and loving, is a big part as well of AP style. Your parents are always physically there and one parent is extremely smothering emotionally, you will actually have abandonment wounds because the parent is meeting their emotional needs through the child. Thais, these videos have changed my entire life - thank you! Can you do a video on emotional abandonment from a parent and being asked to "manage" your parent's marriage or relationship as a child.
i have been so scared to look this up,just because I knew I had this attachment style and on some level felt like it was my fault,that I was weak or smth and started to create a shame bubble around it,but now you explaining literarly like it seams my life,calmed me a lot.
I kinda feel that if I don't keep texting, calling my boyfriend he's gonna forget about me and maybe text with someone else meanwhile ? I feel like if my name isn't at the top of his chat list then he's gonna text with someone else and eventually leave me
I feel the same... I don't have a bf now, I just started chatting (intensively) with one guy online and Im already in spiral of "I need to keep reminding him that I'm here, that he needs to stay in touch with me" etc. This is so frustrating and exhausting, especially when he doesn't reply back as much as I'd like him to...
I'm just gonna quote something that stuck with me and seems like it could help: "In an ideal relationship, both partners try to be the 60% in a 60:40 commitment." Idk if that's quoted correctly but you get the point hopefully. If your boyfriend doesn't engage in conversation or contact you as much as you do, there is something wrong. You deserve someone who reciprocates your feelings. Don't forget that.
This is irrational just because someone is not texting you constantly it doesn’t mean they are not thinking of you. People have a life outside of you and other responsibilities. You should not take it personally.
@@jazzyone1986 You're telling individuals with attachment disorders that their behaviours are 'irrational'? Good job, you! Also, the use of the 'should' was an extra cherry on top.
I needed this. All these years. My parents divorce and subsequent neglect by both of them left me misshapen. I have carried so much for so long, I'm happy God led me here. Thank you, you are saving lives, literally, even here in Zimbabwe.
I've been watching tons of your videos and others recently and it only just hit me now that I was still making my current issues about my boyfriend rather than myself. I was extremely emotionally charged the last time we communicated (and that for a long time). We only just found out we'd have to be long distance for a year and i guess that hit me harder than I recognised at the time. I had a huge revelation now while reading over our whole communication on the phone. He was super busy getting his life together since he couldn't move here and i was putting all my emotional stability on his shoulders on top of that. I was in absolute believe that i was trying to fix things between us when nothing was broken in reality.. I can't believe I couldn't notice that the work had to be done on myself rather than him not doing enough. You helped me so much in finding a way to find happiness in myself again and in realising that I am responsible for my feelings and able to take control over them. Thank you so much!
I found this very helpful, I’m a male INFJ and have been mistaken for being needy because of my desire to have close relationships.. I’m much better now in my 30s but recently a very close friend that I spent time with every weekend got married and for whatever reason has not spoken to me since and has not attempted to get in touch with me, and that was a blow that still hurts to this day, I believe that part of it is being an INFJ, and I also believe I found another part in this video. Definitely gave me a new perspective to mentally chew on.
This is just describe me perfectly ....I know that something is wrong with me not the other person. That is why I pushed them away, don't want them to get hurt if they knew who I really am...I'm just a broken soul with a broken mind why would they still want me?? But at the same time I needed those warm affection but I'm scared....
I've been in a relationship with a lovely woman for almost two months but I feel like I'm fighting feelings of great insecurity about 50% of my day, and suffering from a deep craving for her almost constant validation. I just don't know how to self-soothe or access my own loving, gentle inner parent. Thankfully, so far, I have avoided smothering my partner with my unmet childhood needs. At 54 years old, believe it or not, this is a first for me. Even though I still really struggle with loving myself, I am grateful that I have the awareness that my deep longing has very little to do with her, and everything to do with the abuse and abandonment I experienced as a child.
I had gone through years of therapy in bouts in childhood, as a teenager and young adult... All I was told was that I had a long list of disorders, but not once was this core concept explained to me. I had no way to deal with my emotions consciously, instead I was numbed with high doses of multiple medications over the years... I am happy to know it is possible and how to go about managing my emotions. Thank you for your work ❤️
I am starting to heal my anxious attachment. I’ve finally found the reasons. I lost so much as a child. My brothers moved in with their father, my sister died, my father worked away. My attachment was to my mom. I needed her approval. When my sister died we were never allowed to grieve. My mother couldn’t handle talking about it. Now, I’m ready to heal me. I tired of dragging potential relationships down this dark path of soothing me.
I’m glad I don’t struggle with my self identity. Yes, my father is not present- but I have amazing friends and lovely family. I know myself quite well, I do things I love, and I have a fairly ok esteem. However, I get anxious attachment due to emotional manipulation from a past relationship. I’m glad I found someone who takes the time to understand me
Thank you sooo much Thais. You're absolutely beautiful inside and out. I can't believe we aren't taught this when we are younger. It's taken another failed relationship for me to realise that i have an anxious attachment style. I have healed a lot, but still got a bit to do.
I feel like this was me until embarked on my journey of self mastery, making self the focus of my own intense study was the best thing I ever did. It is all about the journey of self. Maintaining inner union and pouring from my overflow. IMHO.
My mama was everything to me, we communicate a lot and she always love me! She was the hugger and loving type!! I didn't grow up with my dad so my mom always did the most to fullfil the lack of one and because of that my mom and I were just connected but now my mom is dead! I need all that love back and nobody can give it to me
True...my childhood trauma made me feel so scared of pple abandoning me that I sacrifice my personal boundaries jus to hv dem n at the end I get hurt😭 Thank you for dis video. Finally realizing the things i need to work on. 2020 is the best year for me as I found the real me. Thanks again♥️
This is me to a literal T! I would also like to point out that adoption can create an anxious attachment. I was adopted as a baby, and created a story in my head that I was abandoned from the moment I was brought into this world. Even though I had a good childhood, this story has stuck with me to this day. This wound has caused me to have major control issues in my romantic relationships, and I've just learned that I have anxious attachment. I have literally no life outside of my life with my husband because I have made him the center of my universe. Hopefully I can overcome this. Thank you so much for all your help
100% accurate. Thank you. Also, if you have a prior marriage/relationship with a narcissist, take 12 years to “heal” only to fall in love with FA. It has truly made me do a 180*. I realize I have NOT healed and I need to learn to self soothe, trust myself, and meet my own needs. He’s def mirroring back to me exactly what I need to heal.
Thank you. Very healing to listen to this. Always struggled with attachment issues in relationships and it always hurts! Finally dating again and determined to make significant progress with this pain so I can default to healthy responses rather than just constantly being triggered in to so much fear, loss, low self worth, and anxiety!
The mantra of my childhood was not now. I was loved. I was told I was good enough. But I was almost never a priority. Every time I hear your content or similar from your colleagues, it’s all I can do not to just cry hard. It still hurts so much as a very mature woman. I am still trying to heal this. I think that this is why many of us have failed to do more than get by. The impending threat of not being able to have enough money for things mimics the childhood wound of there may be nothing there for us. That was my revelation today. I hope it helps others.
I just got out of a situation ship with a fearful avoidant and it made me realise my anxious attachment and my love addiction. I've realised throughout my life Ive always had an issue being alone and hop from relationship to relationship for comfort. Also when I'm not around such person I would feel a strong sense of craving to be around them and see them, I could never stop thinking of them and spoke about them non stop. At a point I asked myself is this the only thing fulfilling my life I don't want only a person to give me joy. After they pushed me away cause of their commitment phobias, I began to panic and stuff and wanted to hop into a another relationship for security, but I don't want to continue this pattern I want to be secure in myself and that's why I'm here. This healing journey is confusing but I got this :) and so do you:)
This describes me to a T! I would love to take one of your online classes, and reprogram myself, and heal my Insecure-attachment style. Thank you so much!
I have this attachment style but I’m still trying to understand where it comes from. I had both parents all throughout childhood. My parents were loving and provided for me but at times were pretty irresponsible. They liked to party a lot so maybe that’s where it came from? Also my dad didn’t like any negative emotions, no crying allowed or he would tell us “I’ll give you something to cry about”. My mom encouraged this by saying “I’ll tell your father” when we were doing something wrong.
Thanks for posting this. I previously thought I had a secure attachment style until after a recent breakup. I did not take the breakup well, and then eventually realized that the feelings I had were the same feelings after previous breakups. I came to realize that those feelings were not about the person, but about deeper issues and being honest about myself realized that I actually had the anxious attachment Style and that I need to fix this first before I can move on with life and with healthier relationships in the future. Thank you for your help and for showing me the path to True recovery.
Learning to accept people for who they are, since every human is different, in conjunction with believing I'm awesome for many reasons was the remedy for me. Hope this helps someone.
I have this so much. I was born shortly after my brother died and I know that's at the root. I had a 17 year marriage end then a 5 years relationship just ended. And the pain is unbearable. Paralyzing. I can't stop crying watching this video 😭
OMG, i always thought it was "just" me.. never knew it had to do with my attachment style.. I'm a bit sad now but.. I also know now I can be healed.. We all want Love and a healthy relationship right?😉❣🌹
Thank you, this helped me alot, I had subtle parenting inconsistencies but not extreme ones, so I couldn't understand why I align with the anxious type, but now I get it, thank you
I remember when I was little like 11 and younger I needed my mom all the time like needed her, I would follow her through the house everywhere she went because I would get anxious and scared by myself and stuff lol I didn't know what any of this stuff was or meant. These videos are very informational.
I love your channel! You look like an angel to me. Your content gives me a sense of security and understanding. I think I am seeing changes in my realationships a lil bit. Thankyou
I found this very helpful although I think I am more fearful avoidant. Its easy for me to be happy alone but I love people. I tend to be good at ditching people if they disrespect me in relationship but with the amazing friends I have now I know that when Im triggered by small or perceived threats I realize I want them for the long haul and switch to this anxious attachment. Its worth noting that these crises are often perceived threats of abandonment and blow over but in the meantime I can embarrass myself with these securely attached individuals. I am trying to wait for some days to see if they come forward or just act like nothing is wrong for a time and perhaps reach out when it seems a normal friend would. It has been working so well that Im becoming more aware that its in my head and my friends are unaware of the tumultuous inner world I live with. This waiting till my anxiousness subsides and going about my business is really working
Sometimes I wonder whether I got my lifelong anxiety from the parent that actually left me, or from the parent that raised me but had to deal with their own separation anxiety from being left. Maybe it’s 50/50....
@Tree Tree I didn't realize this until TODAY! My single mom was amazing BUT she also did NOT allow me to feel MY OWN feelings! I had to do what she wanted, be who she wanted me to be ALWAYS! My feelings DID NOT matter! I abandoned myself for SO MUCH of my life for her... my mind is blown. *sigh*
What I struggle with is communicating my needs. Like I think: How do I communicate my needs in a way that doesn't sound (or make me feel) needy? Are my needs valid? Is this more of a frivolous or unreasonable demand? What is a need and not a want?
If you’re Anxious dating an FA or DA - nearly everything is clingy and needy. Wait for them to ask and then just be confident, patient, and do the self work so you dont seem clingy to them or else they will get smothered.
Thank you so much for these incredibly accurate, informative videos! I feel undrestood and most importantly not alone when I see how many people in the comments r going through the same as me. I'm very anxious in love. As a matter of fact I'm anxious about all and everything. It's just so hard to go out there with this much baggage and try to date in 2020. but after watching your videos im really starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you doc
Please also put this in your video about how some anxious people were literally not seen ever in their whole lives or even known we had no idea what's it's like to be a person, everytime we made a connect with who we truly are we were rejected hence the only way to not be rejected or abandoned to become other people and cling to them to stay safe. Like 23 years of existence where you are constantly ostracized ignored and lied to you are bound to need a lot of confirmation when the next person would not do the same but instead you are riddled with the business of "understanding them" because you are the one with abandonment fear. And we do get abandoned anyway.
Ok this is very very accurate but there’s something I really need to say. I discovered that the reason I have an anxious attachment style is because my need for connection and physical touch surpasses every other need that I have. I’m not kidding, if I was given the choice between love and food, I would choose love. I would turn into an anorexic bag of bones and literally starve to death before giving up physical touch, love, and sex. I’m sorry but there is no way to self soothe my way out of needing physical touch from another human being. There’s just not. I tried for years. I used to drink and smoke to numb it. Then I got sober and here I am years later still with the extreme need for physical affection. I realize that I cannot rely on one person to meet this need. It’s impossible. I can’t do it by myself and I can’t put it all on one person. Having a good group of friends helps but it still doesn’t illuminate the need for physical touch that I need. I can spend the whole day with friends and then get into bed by myself and feel my skin crawling because I need to feel skin next to me so badly. I do not believe that there is any way to heal from this I think the only way to feel better is to get my need met. I have tried every coping mechanism, therapy, and every self soothing tool and it does not work. I need my needs met. Period.
This actually made me cry. I've ruined my last relationship because I've developed some extreme insecurities. He is a dismissive avoidant so every time when he went quiet or pushed me away I would push him away even more. I was so scared that he will leave that I was keep pushing him until he finally left. I was trying to give him space and he was playing video games over 60 hours a month but because he didn't want to spend time with me or do anything with me I've became paranoid. I was thinking I'm not good enough if he doesn't want to be around me. He left previously after his dad died ( he broke up with me over a text message a day before he was going to move in with me ) and I gave him some really hard time when he came back. I didn't know anything about the attachment styles before so I didn't know how to deal with it. After each argument he would stay on a sofa in a different room and it was driving me crazy, making me anxious even more. The more anxious I was the more I was pushing him away. I believe it comes from my family where my father was never there and my mother was never interested in me or my needs. She's still not interested and always talks about my brother. I call them every week but they know nothing about me or my life. I'm trying to cut the contact with my family now. It's a shame that I found your videos so late and after my boyfriend left :( Ever since I've really started working on myself to sort out my insecurities. and I'm learning a lot about different attachment styles.
i feel so obsessive, attached and anxious that i spend hours learning about attachment styles bc i fear i’ll be abandoned if i don’t know how to control myself
I'm a 53 yr old man and have endured this my whole life and never knew this existed. So glad I found your page and look forward to healing
Relatable
I'm doing that right now!
@@Kumachanchan I'm 23 yrs old but I'm rooting for you brother :)
This is so relatable
Literally tears coming down my face bc this whole time I didn’t know what was “wrong” with me or why I felt like this.
Natalie Salazar i also cried reading this comment bc i was already crying and saw someone else feels the same way
Check him out also - ruclips.net/video/yiLqWWNJf-I/видео.html
Let me just join you guys here. I always blamed myself for being this way, now I know I'm not the one that broke me.
I’m here in tears too. You are not alone. I felt every single word.
There I nothing wrong with you. Your programming can change. You are not your past.
1. Keep your core self identity - don't shut out friends or hobbies. Have a healthy support system outside of relationship.
2. Learn how to self soothe - get in touch with feelings and needs. Get to know yourself, what your intentions, feelings, needs, goals, etc.
3. Have healthy relationships outside of relationship.
4. Make sure you're living your life on purpose.
If you are doing all 4 of those, and your partner is still very Fearful-Avoidant, perhaps you are moving more toward 'Secure' and they are not. This can be really problematic.
@@robbbbbbb1 thank you so much, it’s hard to know when it’s you not doing enough or your partner dragging you down
I did all that and did really well in the end she did nothing about her avoidant attachment
When I am outside of a relationship I understand all these things like giving enough space but as soon as I really like someone I think completely different and because I am scared I don’t react the right way :/
I’m the exact same way. Don’t feel bad. It’s like where did my brain go?!
I am same way, so natural reaction is to stop the relationship and go the the familiar, but I am trying to view every (current) relatioship as a change to grow and to learn to apply these while in relatiohsip, I hope I will be able to do it at ease and naturally eventually.
I hear you!
Omg that was me and it is so painful I understand hopefull you heal from it too! I hope so too!!
Omg that’s so me!!
I get more listening to you in 20 min rather than a one hour session with my phychologist.
I completely agree. My father's dominant role was never pointed out, it was totally missed.
Angela Loera felt that
In my experience that's not what therapy sessions are for....
Justyna H. What are they for then?
Your psychologist would be offended
Everything she says is so on point it’s scary 😂
that's how you know someone who really knows about the subject well and knows how to help people struggling with it
Omg same 😂
Because this behavior is a psychological pattern. Trauma makes humans lose their unique identities and do the same or similar things as other people with the same trauma
Lack of relationship to self.... YES! It's not actually about the other person.
so true, Jessica. That awareness has really helped me in my current relationship. The deeper work is learning how to REALLY love and validate myself.
I can’t seriously date anymore. People are very flaky. One day they are into you and the next they let u go. I can’t do it anymore. I play it cool but it kills me inside .The rejection is too deep and it interrupts my life, my ability to focus on my goals. It’s a pointless investment.
Dont give soo much importance to other people .....take care of urself with self-care
Tru
It’s better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.
I FEEL U
Anupama Vernekar you referring to law of attraction? Haha. If you are I love it. 👍🏼❤️
I'm crying because my whole personality was just being laid bare here
My eyes filled with tears watching this. I'm 35 years old, and until now I didn't know why my relationships never worked.
Yes. I'm almost 70. Hugs.
I especially feel so bad in the morning. I wake up and all these negative thoughts rush into my head and make me cry. But I watched your video about reprogramming your mind and I think this is helping a bit. Thank you Thais!
Hi - which one specifically?! I neeeeeed it! Thanks!
I can totally relate😢😢
This is what I felt this morning, a rush of emotions so strong I cried so much
To be honest with you, as soon as I quit caring about what my mother thought (who had narcissistic traits) and told her that, the game changed a lot for me.
Phoebe Buffay word
@@cyelion3707 to your mother
YES! Same here! and I assume you're a big Friends fan?
yeah I can't seem to even do that because my brain is so hungry to get validation from her, no matter how little, it's exhausting
OOOOFFF
as i've researched i really relate to the anxious attachment style but i also think it's worthy of noting that some children are literally threatened with abandonment, not just picked up on a subconscious level. my mother was really loving & warm growing up, my dad was mostly working and quietly suffering from depression. years later, he became verbally abusive, borderline physical, threatened to leave my family on the streets, felt like walking on egg shells around him ever since i could remember. i could see how this was affecting my mother as she fell into a deep depression & i saw her warmth and happiness fade. i couldn't reach in or do anything about it because at a young age you don't really have the tools you need to help yourself, let alone understand your emotions. so you try to reach & reach and you are met with anxiety and emptiness. then you start to assume when anyone seems busy, bothered, detached...that it's all happening again.
really great video! just felt like sharing in case anyone else could relate
I can relate. Thanks for sharing
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you get so happy that you charge up everyone around you.
@@ineriswetrust that's really nice of you to say.
I can totally relate, I went through similar things with my father.
1. Keep your core self identity
- have a healthy support system outside of your relationship
2. Learn how to self soothe
- get a hold of your feelings everyday and connect with your needs
- get to know yourself on a daily basis
- be conscious of your life
3. Meet your own needs
4. Have healthy relationships outside of your relationship
5. Have a lot of ways to enrich your life outside of your relationship
- live life with purpose
My mom was and still is neglectful. My father was nonexistent just popped up almost two years ago.
My grandparents raised me, mostly my granny.
I’ll admit it the neglect and abandonment really did a job on me.
PsychedPerspective things will get better. Are y gonna take one of Thais course
My god with are like twins exactly the same happened to me and 45 years old I've worked out this week that I am Anxious Attachment and why I've lost so many relationships
This is my story
Ugly crying and working through a full on panic attack because I've never heard so many accurate things about myself strung back to back like that.
I’ve listened to nearly all your videos and have defined my attachment style and my husband. I have also signed up for one of your more in depth classes. I have to admit that I am finding it difficult to withstand the uncomfortable emotions which surface, as I recognize truth that hits the bullseye. I get overwhelmed by the “insight bullets” that hit me and have to shut off until the next day, but listen to the videos that hit home, over and over again. I will not give up, but shall proceed at a slower pace when I need to. After listening to many RUclips videos, I’m dedicating my time to your courses because clearly your discussions are directed at a level of UNDERSTANDING meant to CORRECT unhealthy patterns. Unbelievably great information! Thank you.
Wow, thank you for this. I am so honored to be a part of your journey and I was extremely touched to read this. I look so forward to connecting with you and having you in the classes and webinars. Much love to you.
I think my anxious attachment comes from child hood where I feel like my mother and family would treat my cousin better then me. They give her more attention and always calling her beautiful. They treat her like they’re her favorite and it just leaves me not feeling good enough.
same but with my sister :( feel you
Me tooo! My cousin was the one with the "good hair"
Same here.
Same with my sister and especially with my father and grandmother being so actively disapproving of me by contrast. I felt like i outgrew all this and it can’t be that serious, but omg it really hasn’t left me
I have never related to anything as much as i have now, basically understanding where this is coming from
iam feeling embarrasswd as a grown man to feel this pattern throughout my adult life
I do too bro. Lets put that work in and heal ourselves so that we can be strong men!
Damon, you are not alone. I will echo what our brother Thundercat said. We are worth doing the inner work to become more secure in our relationships. We are courageous men to commence on this journey.
Wow.. I’ve never felt so understood
until now. I’m really in tears watching this.
Emotional Abandonment even though your parents were there and loving, is a big part as well of AP style. Your parents are always physically there and one parent is extremely smothering emotionally, you will actually have abandonment wounds because the parent is meeting their emotional needs through the child. Thais, these videos have changed my entire life - thank you! Can you do a video on emotional abandonment from a parent and being asked to "manage" your parent's marriage or relationship as a child.
i have been so scared to look this up,just because I knew I had this attachment style and on some level felt like it was my fault,that I was weak or smth and started to create a shame bubble around it,but now you explaining literarly like it seams my life,calmed me a lot.
I kinda feel that if I don't keep texting, calling my boyfriend he's gonna forget about me and maybe text with someone else meanwhile ? I feel like if my name isn't at the top of his chat list then he's gonna text with someone else and eventually leave me
I feel the same... I don't have a bf now, I just started chatting (intensively) with one guy online and Im already in spiral of "I need to keep reminding him that I'm here, that he needs to stay in touch with me" etc. This is so frustrating and exhausting, especially when he doesn't reply back as much as I'd like him to...
I'm just gonna quote something that stuck with me and seems like it could help: "In an ideal relationship, both partners try to be the 60% in a 60:40 commitment." Idk if that's quoted correctly but you get the point hopefully. If your boyfriend doesn't engage in conversation or contact you as much as you do, there is something wrong. You deserve someone who reciprocates your feelings. Don't forget that.
This is irrational just because someone is not texting you constantly it doesn’t mean they are not thinking of you. People have a life outside of you and other responsibilities. You should not take it personally.
@@jazzyone1986 You're telling individuals with attachment disorders that their behaviours are 'irrational'? Good job, you! Also, the use of the 'should' was an extra cherry on top.
@@Ninsidhe ahahah, good point
I needed this. All these years. My parents divorce and subsequent neglect by both of them left me misshapen. I have carried so much for so long, I'm happy God led me here. Thank you, you are saving lives, literally, even here in Zimbabwe.
I've been watching tons of your videos and others recently and it only just hit me now that I was still making my current issues about my boyfriend rather than myself. I was extremely emotionally charged the last time we communicated (and that for a long time). We only just found out we'd have to be long distance for a year and i guess that hit me harder than I recognised at the time. I had a huge revelation now while reading over our whole communication on the phone. He was super busy getting his life together since he couldn't move here and i was putting all my emotional stability on his shoulders on top of that. I was in absolute believe that i was trying to fix things between us when nothing was broken in reality.. I can't believe I couldn't notice that the work had to be done on myself rather than him not doing enough.
You helped me so much in finding a way to find happiness in myself again and in realising that I am responsible for my feelings and able to take control over them.
Thank you so much!
I found this very helpful, I’m a male INFJ and have been mistaken for being needy because of my desire to have close relationships.. I’m much better now in my 30s but recently a very close friend that I spent time with every weekend got married and for whatever reason has not spoken to me since and has not attempted to get in touch with me, and that was a blow that still hurts to this day, I believe that part of it is being an INFJ, and I also believe I found another part in this video. Definitely gave me a new perspective to mentally chew on.
This is just describe me perfectly ....I know that something is wrong with me not the other person. That is why I pushed them away, don't want them to get hurt if they knew who I really am...I'm just a broken soul with a broken mind why would they still want me?? But at the same time I needed those warm affection but I'm scared....
Kudos to you for self growth!
RUclips ad changed my life for real, never have I felt so much relieved ! Tysm
I've been in a relationship with a lovely woman for almost two months but I feel like I'm fighting feelings of great insecurity about 50% of my day, and suffering from a deep craving for her almost constant validation. I just don't know how to self-soothe or access my own loving, gentle inner parent. Thankfully, so far, I have avoided smothering my partner with my unmet childhood needs. At 54 years old, believe it or not, this is a first for me. Even though I still really struggle with loving myself, I am grateful that I have the awareness that my deep longing has very little to do with her, and everything to do with the abuse and abandonment I experienced as a child.
Same. Mike how can I get in touch with you?
My problem is not knowing when my nerves are right. Some times what I am feeling and thinking is right and I can’t tell if it’s anxiety or not.
I had gone through years of therapy in bouts in childhood, as a teenager and young adult... All I was told was that I had a long list of disorders, but not once was this core concept explained to me. I had no way to deal with my emotions consciously, instead I was numbed with high doses of multiple medications over the years... I am happy to know it is possible and how to go about managing my emotions. Thank you for your work ❤️
I’m just starting to connect with attachment style and the role it plays in my relationships. Thank you for this video ❤️
I am starting to heal my anxious attachment. I’ve finally found the reasons. I lost so much as a child. My brothers moved in with their father, my sister died, my father worked away. My attachment was to my mom. I needed her approval. When my sister died we were never allowed to grieve. My mother couldn’t handle talking about it. Now, I’m ready to heal me. I tired of dragging potential relationships down this dark path of soothing me.
how do you heal that? it is so frustrating
I’m glad I don’t struggle with my self identity. Yes, my father is not present- but I have amazing friends and lovely family. I know myself quite well, I do things I love, and I have a fairly ok esteem. However, I get anxious attachment due to emotional manipulation from a past relationship. I’m glad I found someone who takes the time to understand me
This video almost made me cry, you are so well informed and hit every point in my mind, thank you for this.
I'm 6 min into the video and I've already collected so many important info that resonates with my situation 😯 Thank so much for posting this !
Thank you sooo much, as a 55 year old man, you just helped me so much 🙏🏻
46 here.
You have seriously changed my life, thank you! 🖤🙏
Thank you sooo much Thais. You're absolutely beautiful inside and out. I can't believe we aren't taught this when we are younger. It's taken another failed relationship for me to realise that i have an anxious attachment style. I have healed a lot, but still got a bit to do.
Learning about all of this is truly changing my life. I am so grateful
This all is so true. I wish I would’ve known this several relationships ago.
I just wanted to thank you
I feel like this was me until embarked on my journey of self mastery, making self the focus of my own intense study was the best thing I ever did. It is all about the journey of self. Maintaining inner union and pouring from my overflow. IMHO.
My mama was everything to me, we communicate a lot and she always love me! She was the hugger and loving type!! I didn't grow up with my dad so my mom always did the most to fullfil the lack of one and because of that my mom and I were just connected but now my mom is dead! I need all that love back and nobody can give it to me
True...my childhood trauma made me feel so scared of pple abandoning me that I sacrifice my personal boundaries jus to hv dem n at the end I get hurt😭
Thank you for dis video. Finally realizing the things i need to work on. 2020 is the best year for me as I found the real me.
Thanks again♥️
This is me. I'm so grateful for the internet because I can do better when I know better.
My mom was great maybe my dad leaving really made me this attachment style
Wow, this is amazing. You described my whole personality, thanks for setting me on the right track.
This video is to spot on I’m in tears
This is me to a literal T! I would also like to point out that adoption can create an anxious attachment. I was adopted as a baby, and created a story in my head that I was abandoned from the moment I was brought into this world. Even though I had a good childhood, this story has stuck with me to this day. This wound has caused me to have major control issues in my romantic relationships, and I've just learned that I have anxious attachment. I have literally no life outside of my life with my husband because I have made him the center of my universe. Hopefully I can overcome this. Thank you so much for all your help
100% accurate. Thank you. Also, if you have a prior marriage/relationship with a narcissist, take 12 years to “heal” only to fall in love with FA. It has truly made me do a 180*. I realize I have NOT healed and I need to learn to self soothe, trust myself, and meet my own needs. He’s def mirroring back to me exactly what I need to heal.
Thank you so much for your wisdom. You are doing wonders for people's lives and changing them for the better. Keep being you!!!!
Thank you. Very healing to listen to this.
Always struggled with attachment issues in relationships and it always hurts!
Finally dating again and determined to make significant progress with this pain so I can default to healthy responses rather than just constantly being triggered in to so much fear, loss, low self worth, and anxiety!
These are all the feelings I have in relationships when I feel neglected, dismissed, or even just not catered to enough.
The mantra of my childhood was not now. I was loved. I was told I was good enough. But I was almost never a priority. Every time I hear your content or similar from your colleagues, it’s all I can do not to just cry hard. It still hurts so much as a very mature woman. I am still trying to heal this. I think that this is why many of us have failed to do more than get by. The impending threat of not being able to have enough money for things mimics the childhood wound of there may be nothing there for us. That was my revelation today. I hope it helps others.
Its so nice hearing you talk about the program as it was still in the form of a framework at 7:30! One day I'll come and take it!!!
I just got out of a situation ship with a fearful avoidant and it made me realise my anxious attachment and my love addiction. I've realised throughout my life Ive always had an issue being alone and hop from relationship to relationship for comfort. Also when I'm not around such person I would feel a strong sense of craving to be around them and see them, I could never stop thinking of them and spoke about them non stop. At a point I asked myself is this the only thing fulfilling my life I don't want only a person to give me joy. After they pushed me away cause of their commitment phobias, I began to panic and stuff and wanted to hop into a another relationship for security, but I don't want to continue this pattern I want to be secure in myself and that's why I'm here. This healing journey is confusing but I got this :) and so do you:)
Thank you so much for this video! I found it at the right time, I somehow knew my attachment style was being unhealthy and toxic to myself
This describes me to a T! I would love to take one of your online classes, and reprogram myself, and heal my Insecure-attachment style. Thank you so much!
YOU ARE GOD SENT. thank you so much for the video.. im in tears.. it feels like you totally understand me..
I have this attachment style but I’m still trying to understand where it comes from. I had both parents all throughout childhood. My parents were loving and provided for me but at times were pretty irresponsible. They liked to party a lot so maybe that’s where it came from? Also my dad didn’t like any negative emotions, no crying allowed or he would tell us “I’ll give you something to cry about”. My mom encouraged this by saying “I’ll tell your father” when we were doing something wrong.
Thanks for posting this. I previously thought I had a secure attachment style until after a recent breakup. I did not take the breakup well, and then eventually realized that the feelings I had were the same feelings after previous breakups. I came to realize that those feelings were not about the person, but about deeper issues and being honest about myself realized that I actually had the anxious attachment Style and that I need to fix this first before I can move on with life and with healthier relationships in the future. Thank you for your help and for showing me the path to True recovery.
Learning to accept people for who they are, since every human is different, in conjunction with believing I'm awesome for many reasons was the remedy for me. Hope this helps someone.
This is fantastic insight. Definitely the depiction I feel the closest to compared to what's out there on the internet.
Thank you.
I have this so much. I was born shortly after my brother died and I know that's at the root. I had a 17 year marriage end then a 5 years relationship just ended. And the pain is unbearable. Paralyzing. I can't stop crying watching this video 😭
I have borderline personality disorder so this fits me perfectly. This is almost scary to watch x
This was such a great explanation of how we came to develop.
OMG, i always thought it was "just" me.. never knew it had to do with my attachment style.. I'm a bit sad now but.. I also know now I can be healed..
We all want Love and a healthy relationship right?😉❣🌹
Thank you, this helped me alot, I had subtle parenting inconsistencies but not extreme ones, so I couldn't understand why I align with the anxious type, but now I get it, thank you
I’m AA but both my parents were terrible most of the time and it was a lot of neglect. They weren’t great sometimes
I remember when I was little like 11 and younger I needed my mom all the time like needed her, I would follow her through the house everywhere she went because I would get anxious and scared by myself and stuff lol I didn't know what any of this stuff was or meant. These videos are very informational.
I love your channel! You look like an angel to me. Your content gives me a sense of security and understanding. I think I am seeing changes in my realationships a lil bit. Thankyou
I found this very helpful although I think I am more fearful avoidant.
Its easy for me to be happy alone but I love people. I tend to be good at ditching people if they disrespect me in relationship but with the amazing friends I have now I know that when Im triggered by small or perceived threats I realize I want them for the long haul and switch to this anxious attachment. Its worth noting that these crises are often perceived threats of abandonment and blow over but in the meantime I can embarrass myself with these securely attached individuals.
I am trying to wait for some days to see if they come forward or just act like nothing is wrong for a time and perhaps reach out when it seems a normal friend would. It has been working so well that Im becoming more aware that its in my head and my friends are unaware of the tumultuous inner world I live with.
This waiting till my anxiousness subsides and going about my business is really working
9:24 is something I need to internalize more.
I have an anxious 😬 Attachment but it’s hard listening to you you are stunning
your channel is SO incredibly helpful ~ literally a lifeline full of information, thank you so so so much. forreal
So great full I have come this far in my healing journey
The most helpful video ever!Thank you
I have never felt so understood
When you finally understand what's wrong with you lmao
Sometimes I wonder whether I got my lifelong anxiety from the parent that actually left me, or from the parent that raised me but had to deal with their own separation anxiety from being left. Maybe it’s 50/50....
I feel exactly the same way!!!
woooooooooooooooooooooow you got me
@Tree Tree I didn't realize this until TODAY! My single mom was amazing BUT she also did NOT allow me to feel MY OWN feelings! I had to do what she wanted, be who she wanted me to be ALWAYS! My feelings DID NOT matter! I abandoned myself for SO MUCH of my life for her... my mind is blown. *sigh*
This video made me aware of what I was doing. Wow thank you so much ; and just having that self awareness now, I already feel the change within me ❤️
So cool to hear about all 3 attachment styles! I'm deff not Anxious Attachment Style but I know quite a few people who are.
You are a superstar. The best new thing to U tube coaching. Self soothing is explained so Well. Reminding us how to meet our own needs and relax.
I also liked before I watched !!! Haha watching it right now
Your breakdown of this was elite ! Thank you 😊
I obsess over does my husband love me because he is dismissive avoident
Mine is too.
does your husband know? or understand you?
What I struggle with is communicating my needs. Like I think:
How do I communicate my needs in a way that doesn't sound (or make me feel) needy?
Are my needs valid? Is this more of a frivolous or unreasonable demand? What is a need and not a want?
If you’re Anxious dating an FA or DA - nearly everything is clingy and needy. Wait for them to ask and then just be confident, patient, and do the self work so you dont seem clingy to them or else they will get smothered.
Thank you so much for these incredibly accurate, informative videos! I feel undrestood and most importantly not alone when I see how many people in the comments r going through the same as me. I'm very anxious in love. As a matter of fact I'm anxious about all and everything. It's just so hard to go out there with this much baggage and try to date in 2020. but after watching your videos im really starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you doc
Incredible in-depth, clear and well communicated video, amazing❤️
Please also put this in your video about how some anxious people were literally not seen ever in their whole lives or even known we had no idea what's it's like to be a person, everytime we made a connect with who we truly are we were rejected hence the only way to not be rejected or abandoned to become other people and cling to them to stay safe. Like 23 years of existence where you are constantly ostracized ignored and lied to you are bound to need a lot of confirmation when the next person would not do the same but instead you are riddled with the business of "understanding them" because you are the one with abandonment fear. And we do get abandoned anyway.
Your videos are incredible and so helpful thank you
Ok this is very very accurate but there’s something I really need to say.
I discovered that the reason I have an anxious attachment style is because my need for connection and physical touch surpasses every other need that I have.
I’m not kidding, if I was given the choice between love and food, I would choose love. I would turn into an anorexic bag of bones and literally starve to death before giving up physical touch, love, and sex.
I’m sorry but there is no way to self soothe my way out of needing physical touch from another human being. There’s just not.
I tried for years. I used to drink and smoke to numb it. Then I got sober and here I am years later still with the extreme need for physical affection.
I realize that I cannot rely on one person to meet this need. It’s impossible. I can’t do it by myself and I can’t put it all on one person.
Having a good group of friends helps but it still doesn’t illuminate the need for physical touch that I need.
I can spend the whole day with friends and then get into bed by myself and feel my skin crawling because I need to feel skin next to me so badly.
I do not believe that there is any way to heal from this I think the only way to feel better is to get my need met. I have tried every coping mechanism, therapy, and every self soothing tool and it does not work.
I need my needs met. Period.
Excellent! You hit the nail on the head. Chock full of info here and I highly recommend this series.
Thank you so much for doing these videos. And i want to let you know that your spirit is peaceful. I appreciate you.
Thank you for this 👏 I don’t have all these traits but I do have a lot from past abandonment trauma - I appreciate it
This actually made me cry. I've ruined my last relationship because I've developed some extreme insecurities. He is a dismissive avoidant so every time when he went quiet or pushed me away I would push him away even more. I was so scared that he will leave that I was keep pushing him until he finally left. I was trying to give him space and he was playing video games over 60 hours a month but because he didn't want to spend time with me or do anything with me I've became paranoid. I was thinking I'm not good enough if he doesn't want to be around me. He left previously after his dad died ( he broke up with me over a text message a day before he was going to move in with me ) and I gave him some really hard time when he came back. I didn't know anything about the attachment styles before so I didn't know how to deal with it. After each argument he would stay on a sofa in a different room and it was driving me crazy, making me anxious even more. The more anxious I was the more I was pushing him away. I believe it comes from my family where my father was never there and my mother was never interested in me or my needs. She's still not interested and always talks about my brother. I call them every week but they know nothing about me or my life. I'm trying to cut the contact with my family now. It's a shame that I found your videos so late and after my boyfriend left :( Ever since I've really started working on myself to sort out my insecurities. and I'm learning a lot about different attachment styles.
How are you doing?
@@Annamelese I'm much better now. I understand much more and I'm learning a lot about myself
Just today found your channel and now I'm binge watching all your videos . It's great content. Thank you ♥️
This is 100000% me wow
Treating abandonment issues could probably take care of most of that..