This will be the final video I watch about dismissive Avoidants. I’ve been dumped by my ex DA gf a month ago. I’m exhausted from thinking about it, talking about it, watching videos about it. This is the final one. Edit: After reflecting more, my ex GF showed Covert Narcissist behavior with some Avoidant Traits. I believe she used that “avoidant” behavior, which garnered empathy, to continue her damaging emotional and mental games. I no longer believe she is mainly Avoidant with Narc traits but Covert Narc with Avoidant Traits.
Just do it for the sake of learning and expansion. Remember that we also has attachment issues, so we need to detach from the past and move on till became secure attached
@ True indeed. I know what I need to do. Focus on continued healing, apply lessons learned from relationships with DA, pay attention and watch actions and listen closer, work on boundaries, communications, yada yada yada. All of the time I am watching these videos, I am not working on myself. This is it!
They don't really like eachother... Avoidants hate themselves, hate eachother.. And claim to hate anxious preoccupied people more... However they definitely hate avoidants more. As everyone else does. They claim to love themselves but it is a lie. They claim to love their space but it is another lie. They are liars. According to study avoidants are most attracted to the ones they claim to hate the most: Anxiously Preoccupied people.
They DESPISE being mirrored. The absolute hypocrisy. I ran from mine and now he doesn’t trust me and I don’t trust him. And we apparently both still love each other and we’re both still single
Yup, experienced this with my DA ex gf. Saw the red flags and found confirming info. Of course, lying is their defense but they don’t realize their behaviors (and sometimes words) confirmed what they were doing behind your back.
Stop trying to connect to these people. They are not healthy enough for intimate relationships. They need to just date each other. You have needs. They have needs. If they're not meeting your needs, find someone who can, and let them go get their needs met with someone else.
The difference between narcissists and avoidants: narcs want to “steal” the qualities and characteristics that you have for themselves, hence, eventually leaving you laying there like an empty shell. Avoidants rather, want you to keep your own qualities and characteristics, and actually have you continue using them with pride and expanding on them, like you’re polishing. Two completely different concepts. Either way, quit changing for people.. quit trying to morph into others. Continue being you and a better version of yourself, and neither of these will ruin your life. They won’t be able to or allowed to ❤
@OrchidBetty same here. Mine was an alcoholic, once I helped him get sober, put my everything into his sobriety, he left me a year after and into it. He completely shut down. No emotions. No nothing. Just avoidance. Learning more about avoidance has been hard because I feel like had I known about these things while we were together, I feel I would have been able to make it work. Now we have been in NC after 4 months. Blind side discarded.
I'm so happy as someone who was a anxious and now (mostly) secure and now dating a avoidant I bring up these issues and reassure that I am not going to take his independence but if things continue I wont stick around. I told him I need things in a relationship, but I don't need the relationship, this made him realize I'm not dependent on him yet he got upset as if he didn't want to lose me. Communication is key and I'm glad I can talk about your videos and he can tell me what kind of reassurance and love he needs but I can't be the only one sacrificing my need for a close relationship. Its hard, very hard but we both spot problems and we work to fix and make change. Find ways we can care for each other effectively. We may be young and dumb but if anything I'm happy to have change, grow and experience with a high school sweetheart. 5 months strong!!
Good for you. Many of us who have been blindsided and molly wopped by avoidants won’t ever allow them in our life as a romantic partner. The damage they have done is dang near unforgivable.
Keep us updated. I got with my DA about 2 years ago, was mostly secure when I got into the relationship... Now a week ago she broke up as I just started stonewalling her the past 2 weeks as I just couldn't hold the emotional neglect anymore. I often told my boundaries, but I didn't draw the line as to where my vision is so fucked now. I think our chemistry is insanely matched, and somehow I wanted to break up since a few months but it just hurts as hell right now and as I am completely left on eggshells now, but I hope it gets better. She is acting like nothing happened, even saying she is no longer pressured... We just moved in together 6 months ago, sadly wasn't the best move... I just thought her avoidant tendencies will reduce, but its whatever. I just started doing the research now. She kept on not wanting to fix problems... Like the lack of sexual intimacy, she offered to just give me head every day and it'll be fine. And obviously I said no that's not what I mean, but that's what it had slowly become and I always asked if she's fine doing this, if it's honest and she said yeah, I could feel she was just lying & pressured but I was scared of being on my own again... Ugh. Gotta deal with it now, even though I am pretty attractive, got my standards but they are so crushed now. :/
I hate to break this to you, but its not going to get better. He is going to take that talk as a win, but as stated in this video, eventually he will revert to the same things= avoiding his part in your relationship. Ive been in this nearly 10 years. The up/ down is killing me. Ive got to end it. 😢
@@carolsherman9817 Nah, get help. Take your time for healing, and stop trying to put yourself into the victim mindset. If you as a person mature, and get stronger… incase they do return, you can think about your moves and make sure no boundaries are being broken. And if they actually didn‘t learn and won‘t move on, you gotta quit. It‘s okay, as you know you are better and they are busy with their past and rather not improve theirselves, that is also okay. But there are so many people out there, and also I am just 20 and it was just 3 years of a relationship.
What a whiplash 😑 this gas-breaks cycle is insanity-inducing, I say that from experience like most of us here. I myself am very autonomy-prone in connections, needing my space and alone time yet still - the lack of warmth and even amicable communication in the inbetweens is destroying the foundations of any human connection - This RESET after distance, this needing to restart when finally meeting up, it is a disconnect, it is a disaster to any normal functioning nervous system, the need to connect and evolve in closeness is ingrained in us humans. Being in a relationship with an avoidant that is this dismissive is like a whiteboard - we meet, get close and warm, then he disappears for 3 weeks, dry in texts, and he acts like a semi-stranger, while my heart is more and more open and attached in remembering said closeness, and in normal need for continuity. How can HE handle this dysfunction?? Like the memory of a fish - restarting the connection every 3 weeks when it sank almost to a zero point level - I have no idea, no clue. I feel sorry for us - their lovers, friends, and partners, deeply sorry for myself - And my main goal for this year is to take him off the pedestal and fall out of love with him, and heal this wound of trauma that makes me attracted to my neglectful "dad" every time. I need to heal myself, many of us here do, bring the focus back to our deep issues. I am trying for years and will keep at it ❤ The fawn response, the limerence, the anxiety, my father wound and so much more sadly. tons of self healing to do. One thing I can say - I work my a*s off with 2 therapists for 5 years, and as you can see the results are very partial and slow, I am very self aware and know a lot... If it takes an eternity for me, Then how much hope does the average aloof avoidant has in therapy with magically changing attachment even a bit? I am a very very grounded pessimistic for most of them, gonna take a lifetime for most, if at all.
I like how you described the need to evolve in connection. That's exactly what I clearly felt - what else should one do with someone they love? Other than be connected and evolve together, deepening that connection to the greatest possible level? Meanwhile for the avoidant it seems like they too want this evolution to happen, but while remaining separate, never getting deeper, and using what they learn "with you" not in that very relationship that taught them all that, but in their surface level relationship with the outside world that doesn't give a F*** about them, and with another poor souls that they will entrap for a bit until they realize it's once again unsafe as some signs of commitment and attachment surface.
Tbh I feel like I was secure before the relationship.. somewhere along turned anxious by dating an avoidant & now am omw to becoming avoidant myself ngl..
This is a very good video, and you are wise in your assessments. I've been doing the push pull dance with the avoidant in my life for a while and I've learned to not caring about the outcome so much and to focus on who I was before him and when he pulls away, I redirect my attention, which seems to make him want to be available more. It's a super slow process but pulling away when he does gives us both a break, and I'm secure enough to know he'll be back because I know I'm not easily replaced and if so, so be it. It's an air that you have about yourself. They sense it. The key is to know your worth with or without their validation, which only makes you more attractive. Such a fascinating dynamic.
As long as the push pull dance is what you yourself require, otherwise you’re catering to a dynamic that isn’t healthy for either of you. You’re enabling an avoidant dynamic that is fuelled with insecurity, rather than holding them to their behaviours, and those behaviours can sprout into some very damaging avenues - all DA partners are different and attachment works on a spectrum, but the emotional safety that avoidantly attached people get from distance is also achieved in cheating, to drive a wedge feels good and as they have the ability to bypass emotional intimacy pushing away and entertaining someone else have the same effect. Hence many avoidants being serial daters, well those charming socials types of DA anyway. As long as you have your DA feeling safe enough to express their needs and fears as they happen, you might be fine… but in my experience, even your DA who loves you with the depths of their heart can leave you at the drop of a hat. A secure DA can bottle resentment without you knowing and that deactivation will explode giving you no time to sort through the pieces. Sorry, doom and gloom - I hope you and your DA are happy and you’re able to fulfil each other’s needs. We’re not all so lucky with the DA’s we fall for.
@norswil8763 I hear you, but there's something in not caring and caring at the same time. Oh, and you definitely have to call them out, but it's also in the way you do it. My thing is I honestly don't care, to a certain degree. I'm going to focus on myself and if he can manage to jump on board than good, but if not well, there's more fish in the sea and he's definitely be clear about that and at the same time he knows that I'm not looking, but the door isn't closed. You must not let them be the center of your world until they want to be, and if he cheats, well, adiós.
I couldn’t deal with the push-pull dynamic with my ex avoidant. We had different family upbringings. Parts of him remind me of my father which was part of the initial attraction. But my father was always there & never made me feel too bad for wanting to be close to him. My ex, on the other hand, did. Hence, my waning attraction to him. I can’t say he’s a bad guy. I was sick of the white lies and condescension when I felt emotional distance. I didn’t respect him due to his lack of honesty at that point. I lost my patience and ended up telling him off. I know I bruised his ego. He’s never coming back again ha.
Best explanation Ive seen so far. Defined my avoidant perfectly. Now she’s in a relationship with someone 30 years older than her who’s too busy to spend any time with her. Good riddance…
Accurate. I’m 38 years old and I just dealt with my first avoidant. It was pure misery. The gaslighting, the excuses, the flakiness, the blame, blah blah blah. I dealt with it for months and can’t understand why. Never again
Tbh I started watching it before breaking up trying to get my ex back but now I really don't want to. I lost all feelings but I'm watching this when I'm bored because it's interesting and I like your video style. It's relaxing. Reasons for watching your videos changed drastically 😂
This all sounds like confusion and dysfunction. It felt that way going through it. My DA did not come with a label or communication about what was happening. From the outside looking in… a DA and a Narc are the same.
If I may, I was/may still be an insecurely attached person, most likely neurodivergent. It has taken decades to come to this knowledge of self and the work still isn't complete. No amount of self-awareness is changing the attachment needs. All in all, we are here to attach to OURSELVES. People you date, in truth are not the source of TRUE love for you. YOU are. Any attachment issues we have are results of nature and nurture. Underneath the human meat suit is a soul that yearns for nothing. Connect to your soul and everything else will align. 💪🏾
Said he was rarely happy, sometimes contented. And he said, I love your company. I said, well happy is a fluid concept, thanks. I'm not miss entertainment, I have energy for many things👍
That's because they are making excuses. I am a lot like an avoidant in some way by the fact that sometimes I do want to be alone. But most people are like that. You don't need to have the label of "avoidant" over your head to actually know what it's like to desire alone time. To know what it's like to desire not feeling pressured. But communicate it. Make your intentions clear. The biggest problem with the avoidant is that they avoid confrontation. They are liars. "Making excuses" is just another form of lying. I mean, it literally is just lying. And at the end of the day, it's pretty simple. You do not want to be in a relationship with someone who lies about something this trivial. Something this non-difficult to communicate. And if you think you do... Just wait until the lack of communication and distress turns into you getting blindsided or cheated on. Then you'll think twice before wanting to be in a relationship with someone who's incapable of having basic conversations. Being an avoidant is not a disorder. Many people can and have moved towards being secure. An avoidant that stays an avoidant... It's not that they can't change their attachment style. It's that they won't. Being an avoidant is someone refusing to be a genuine person even to themselves. They can't even be honest to themselves. They won't be honest to you.
i like the passion feels comforting lol. Everyone needs to work towards being a secure person and all insecure attachments will have issues until they become secure then they are in a state of authenticity. Which means if someone comes into your life or goes out your life you can accept it doesn't mean you didn't want them or didn't express it suredly it just means you are stable enough to handel winning things you want and losing things you want. avoidants are just undercover anxious, they both need to be secure. avoidance need to overcome their anxious attachment because that's what is really happening to them but they hide it and suppress it. so in a way yes they lie to themselves, whereas anxious don't lie to themself they just need to stop not being themself by stopping people pleasing and being brave.
Kind of messed up, but, it’s the truth and, the truth hurts sometimes. That’s why it’s best to let these types of relationships end and people go. If you don’t you form a trauma bond and that is not healthy. Thank you for this insight.
Chris, I love your work and have learned a lot from you. I suggest helping these avoidants being more and more secure. It seems the fearful avoidants learned self reliant pretty well, which is not helping them engaging in any intimate relationships. So they need lots of healing, and I am hoping you can help them. Probably lots of people like me are already gave up on dem entirely. Thanks
Before he can help, Chris first needs to learn to stop being so judgemental and dismissive of people who may have this attachment style, and to take a more factual approach. Clearly he has issues to resolve before he will be in a position to offer valuable and genuine assistance instead of shaming people.
Avoidants are simple with basic needs so when others have a ton of needs, we don't operate in a way where we're going to shift into your way of thinking and being just because we're in a relationship with you. We grew up thinking that we should only rely on ourselves and meet our own needs. It is what it is. I can date an avoidant and they will open up to me because I let them move at their own pace. When you do that is when they start being vulnerable. It's definitely not for everyone, but neither is dating anxious attachments.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant I am reflecting a bit more on my last relationship. I believe I ran into a Covert Narcissist with Avoidant Traits. The darkness around her behavior makes me think this was not just someone who was avoidant. She want far above and beyond to cover up multiple infidelities, lied straight to my face (I had evidence) and actually slept with another man early Sunday morning before we were to go to church services together. That’s some dark stuff right there.
@@PuddyKatMan I honestly think many are taking attachment theory too far. It should be used as a baseline to understand anxious/avoidant traits. In a situation like yours, this person just sucks to put it bluntly. They sound selfish and just wrong. I loathe cheaters.
Contrarily, the avoidant to me is the one who is trapped inside the parameter. He cannot escape the wall he keeps running into trying to avoidi the prize. It is painful to watch however, there’s something about a long shot that pays off better if they can figure out how to stop hurting themselves.
There comes a time when you need to face your issues, heal, and move on before you get into a relationship because this type of behavior especially in a committed relationship, is very unhealthy
It’s very destructive to the recipient. Countless people are traumatized by dating Dismissive Avoidants (and maybe the others) to the point they are claiming they won’t ever date again. That’s a really deep impact they had on someone in a negative way.
He summed it up with the dog analogy…this is LITERALLY what Avoidants want you to be..their dog…!! So they can pet you whenever they feel like it :) I was in a relationship with one and I told her that I’m watching videos about anxious/avoidant dynamics and she tried watching some too and she asked me “do you read the comments on such content?” And I was like no why 😂 Cuz literally people were trying to warn me from dating an avoidant and I didn’t believe them until I was done with that shizz…!!
The problem isnt what they need. The problem is They. Wont. Tell. You. Its like if they tell you...it might actually work out...and we cant have THAT 😅😅
The only way you deal with an avoidant is leave him/her alone. No stupid games, it's their problem and they need to deal with it. Guys just work on yourself till you are as secure as you can and find another person that does the same thing. Sure, it will slash the dating pool to a fraction but it's better to find someone of quality than go crazy by trying to understand someone that is not healthy. I have a friend that has bpd and no, i won't accommodate him and it's his job to help and get treated. The same goes for avoidants.
I heard a psychologist state something on the lines of avoidants being the majority in the dating pool because they get recycled back into it quicker due to not staying in relationships long. Anxious people follow next but we tend to hold on too long. Secures tend not to stay in the dating pool long.
Is it possible for an avoidant to just be in the realm of "potential" all the time? I saw this guy at his workplace about once a week or so. At 1st I didn't even notice him. Then 1 day we happened to look into each other's eyes...and I felt like an electric shock ran through my entire body. After that I noticed him look at me all the time, smiling, trying to be around me often, joking, a few times doing small acts of service. It was pretty intense emotionally and very weird. I felt admired/adored but only for an hour or so a week, when I went there. It never became anything else. After a while I started withdrawing emotiinally and through body language. I started leaving a group if he came over, that sort of thing. Not overtly and not to hurt him but to protect myself from the emotional rollercoaster. I actually got quite resentful...He got to see me regularly but never had to put any effort in. After 2 years of this he suddenly announced he was moving for work, and he did. 2 months later. Before that he casually remarked (to a group of people, again) that we could always connect on FB...but he never did that, either. After a while I blocked him so as not to be tempted to check his posts...To this day I don't know what it was, but the whole episode hit my self confidence hard. I'm slowly recovering and thinking of dating sites. Did I imagine the whole thing?
I wonder if my ex DA’s constant lying was caused by his need for space (which caused conflicts a lot). After being friends for a year post breakup, with him gradually detaching instead of working on things, I’m done now. If he wants space, why not just tell me instead of lie me straight into the face. If he wants to date other people, why not stop using me for emotional support and let me go find someone else who does care? Instead, things took an unexpected turn where he hit me after I confronted him about hiding something from me and therefore being so cold and distant. Now I let him go get all the space he wants. He can move to Mars if that’s what he needs, I don’t care anymore.
If you want that avoidant person too much, you won’t feel joy anymore if you’ll have to pay a much higher price than you thought. Dealing with avoidant is like learning something by throwing yourself into a safari for months instead of reading and thinking. This channel is about understanding and dealing with avoidant, but at the end you might find yourself into a dependency/co-dependency not so good relationship or even worst, loosing time healing and on someone’s transformation who will go further with the lessons you gave. A good memento mori achievement: If you invested in yourself to become who you are now (not fortunate by coming from a healthy family situation), an avoidant may f#@k you up.
Key here is "needing to excuses for alone time". When you need to find excuses you are not in a deep relationship. Probably trying to hide something you are uncomfortable with. From the partner but ultimately from yourself. The worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves. In the end it comes down to self love and self worth.
Regarding the invisible fence, I've been dealing with a mutual attraction from a distance with a guy at my gym who I believe is an avoidant with that unspoken boundary. But the fence isn't just to keep me at bay. It's also on the other side: he doesn't want me to go too far away from him. When I have been unexpectedly absent (due to work, illness, etc.), he has reacted with pouty behaviour. He almost behaves like a child angry at a parent, where he will position himself just at the edge of my line of sight facing away from me to show me he is upset (if he was truly displeased and didn't want me anymore, he would've just left altogether). When he has thought he might be losing me to someone else, he will react with alarm and panic, or will even start indirectly pursuing me (through strong hinting) in an effort to maintain the connection. To me, it's a control issue. When he thinks he's losing control over the situation, he will either withdraw (to regain a sense of control) or try to lure me back.
Lol... married one, and he never told me he was a DA or distance was his thing... if he had told me when he first started dating, it would have saved a lot of time and tears.
I never heard of Avoidant personality until now. Described him 💯. We had the on and off again for 7 years. But recently finally ended it for the last time. I know he will try and come back but I’m done. I’m mentally exhausted but free.
Reached out on my DA ex afte 2months of breakup and no contact via test, didn't beg nor sound need, I was like " let's not make pride n ego ruin our beautiful connection" did that cause from these videos they're scared of being open or vulnerable to reach first, so her replied was, there's nothing to work out , she's moved on, that I should do thesame, I now knew she was long gone before the disconnect, and has alot to do do about her not me, and that's final from my side, that was my last shot... you all can blame me for rwaching out like my friends did, but I'm fine... I'm an empath who don't give up easily.
You hit a common question people have about dismissive avoidants... "Am I dealing with a narcissist or an avoidant? How can I tell the difference?" The problem is trying to figure out their intentions, because that's where the clue lies. Narcissists have different intentions and reasons for their reactions than an avoidant. The avoidant's reactions are out of self-protection; the narc is out of manipulation. The treatment from both can be very similar, which is why it's so painful for many people who experience avoidants. It's a similar abuse, but avoidants don't want to hurt the person - but the narc does.
Chris, I have an answer to your question, "how would a secure person handle an avoidant?" A secure person would observe the behavior, question it out of curiousity, communicate clearly, and establish boundaries. If the avoidant is unable to observe those boundaries, the secure person would understand that a connection is not going to happen and would therefore move on. Only IN-secure people will do the avoidant dance, Chris.
Think about back in the “old days”….guys would go off to hunt, go to war, go to do chores, plant/harvest crops. People didn’t have Smart phones. I would argue it’s normal to go without talking/seeing each other. Haven’t you heard “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”?
I immediately started watching your video because of the subject, of course, but it was the thumbnail that grabbed me. 😆 Thanks for all your hard work work your videos
The amount of hate is worrying. In healthy relationships, everyone should still be doing his/her things. They should still garnish friendships, family and the occasional hobby without the need of bringing in excuses all the time and this works both ways. Try and spend 24/7 together and see how quickly simple annoyances turn into fights. Try to find each other's love language and spend some time and communication into how to be there for one another. If you know how to please your partner and you know how you partner shows gratitute in his/her own way, you can find the road to a succesful relationship even while not starting out on the same road. It takes an open mind from both sides, not just the "avoidant" partner.
the try to spend 24/7 together part is intriguing… it seems avoidants are the cause of strife and arguments, often interpreting anything as criticism. it’s really not hard to spend 24/7 with someone and not get annoyed with them. i’ve had two long term relationships like that. and when the rare disagreement or argument does occur, we don’t need space, quite the opposite, we come together and ask questions until we understand each others perspective, from there a solution can be found that equally satisfies both. then by the end the disagreement actually builds the bond stronger. this seems obvious to me but avoidants can’t seem to grasp it.
@@stxrknight5944 lol yes we do. My DA and I talk all the time. No one gets emotional or flies off the deep end or starts yelling. We just say what's on our mind.
It's my limit of course, but in almost 20 minutes video the only thing i got clearly and simply is when the Avoidant wrote: i'll be fine in a relationship when i'll meet someone like me (or similar meaning). Here's the only deep truth. YES! YESSS!!! Stay with yourkind. Look for them. Be with them (or sort of). Love them the way you like to do each other and let the rest of humanity outside your nightmare. Avoid us. Stay with those like yourself. Everybody's happy. Avoidants and us. Everybody!!!
My DA ex gf was still hooked on her first ex husband who beat her before and during the marriage. She talked about him quite a bit. Why did she still marry him when he beat her before the marriage? 🤷♂️
"Avoidants" have been around for hundreds of years or more. They get married, have kids and some stay together with their partner forever. Avoidant attachment isn't a new phenomenon. We are 100% made for love...with the right person.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant I am slowly moving to the side that my ex may not have been an avoidant but a Covert Narcissist with some Avoidant traits. As I reflect, I remember her saying things and doing things that seemed more along the lines of purposely trying to damage and destroy as opposed to protecting herself and her space. Hmm…..
How should a secure person handle an avoidant? Simple. Become avoidant. That is the only way to understand one. Your emotional and physical intimacy needs neither matter nor will be met.
@@wizardofaus2985You stated “your emotional and physical intimacy needs neither matter nor will be met”. Are you staying with this type of person or working your way towards leaving them? I would not think a secure person would stay with this type of person once they realize what they have gotten in to.
@PuddyKatMan I'm trying to untangle myself as all my things are in a shared storage facility but I don't make enough money to rent a place to myself to store them.
Tell that to my ex DA gf who got married to and divorced twice from two very abusive men in many ways. She told me the day she broke up with me that both of her husbands were secure men. Anyone who thinks physically, sexually, financially, emotionally and mentally abusive partners / spouses are “secure” got something twisted going on within.
no only an anxious will marry an avoidant lol. once i started setting boundaries to preserve my energy bc i noticed i was literally mentally and physically exhausted from being a people pleaser with zero boundaries or self respect, they were not happy about it. it caused automatic defense mechanisms in them that made a fruitful conversation nearly impossible. the perfect person for an avoidant is someone who has no needs of their own, who is on call and can drop whatever they’re doing at any time, who never gets mad and is always cheerful, who never criticizes or points out any hypocrisy. basically, it has to be an uneven relationship and even then they will take you for granted.
@@stxrknight5944 Hmm, now that I think about it, I was that type of person with my DA ex gf. However, near the end of the relationship, I started holding her accountable to handle her own stuff and stopped doing a lot of stuff her self-professed lazy a$$ should be doing. I started calling her out on things, too. She broke up with me about a week or two after I stopped being her crutch.
@@stxrknight5944 The ex DA gf broke up with me around the time I started having boundaries with her. She was asking me to do some things she could do herself. She was also a self-professed lazy person. I started telling her to do that herself and let her know she can do it. About two weeks later, she cut the cord. About a year before breaking up with me, her sister told me in front of her “My sister uses people!” I now see that was 100% true even though my ex downplayed it.
Hey I've purchased the course and have a coaching session that will line up with the 30 NC day out of my 45, how do I join the private group to start prepping?
But then he blows up my phone. Calling me, texting me and FaceTime like he’s anxious about what I’m doing. I don’t understand him and my tolerance is low for the BS
Oh, i get it now... I think...lol. since my husband is a covert narc he has turned me into an avoidant. Since I am in divorce process I started dating and briefly met an avoidant..which turned me into an anxious. 😂😂 Then I met an anxious and I only avoided him when he yelled at me..or said something incredibly rude otherwise I loved the closeness. I'm working on myself.. waiting and praying for a loving Christian man.
My avoidant ex cooked on purpose first real date and carried my bags when we was together, mine was writing love letters and making presents being very different was interesting I knew love languages when we was together not in depth like now but I think it’s interesting to think about :’)
Would someone who is Dismissive Avoidant tell you “I like getting my way”? Would someone who is DA mess around with multiple partners behind your back and maintain they aren’t to your face? Would a DA mess with someone outside of your relationship early Sunday morning before you were to go to church services with them and even when you presented proof that you knew they did it, they still denied it? Would a DA call you someone else’s name and then try to say they were calling you a pet name and they don’t know that person, only for you to later find out they had that person’s name and number written down in a notebook. Would a couple of the DA’s siblings tell you 1) “My sister / brother uses people” in front of the DA and another sibling tells you “my brother / sister needs help. They need support”? Would a DA buy a new appliance in cash, put their broken one on the box and return it back to the store, keeping the new item and getting their money back? Would a DA break up / discard you after reading the book ‘Attached’ and say we don’t work but then proceed to tell you they are not changing? I am wondering if I was with a true DA or if I was with a Covert Narc with DA traits. Any feedback appreciated.
@ Wow. Never thought of that. From your experience, these are strong symptoms? I was thinking Covert Narc because she got dark closer to the end: * Would a DA self-profess to be lazy but when you stopped doing some things closer to the end for her and started telling them that they can do it own their own, they ended the relationship shortly thereafter? * Would a DA claim that her mouth guard no longer works because she has been sucking a lot of d*** (she told me this over the phone)? And then when you call her out about it in person, she claims she meant she was doing that to you but you recall that she wasn’t doing it that much to you? * Would a DA mention yet another man’s name in almost a sexual tone while you are on the phone with her and then try and turn it into a joke? Also, this same man’s name and number were also found written down in her notebook. * Would a DA reference to her two former husbands as being the only secure relationships she has had (I lean anxious) while she was breaking up with you even though she experienced physical abuse in 1st one and was R-worded in the second marriage? So many red flags I missed or ignored because I empathized with the trauma dump.
@@Gmxb Date R-worded in college, physical abuse before and during 1st marriage (she seems to be hooked on that 1st one because she mentioned him quite a bit), R-worded in 2nd marriage. Claims that I was first real and healthiest relationship she had. Told me one week she was in love with me. Next week, said something crazy about “you’re not my man and I should not have to put this much effort into having s** with you.” Just crazy town stuff I went through with this woman.
@@PuddyKatMan I don’t like labeling people but I would certainly research the subject if it would help you move on. The truth is, it doesn’t matter at the end of the day. I’ve been through this and life is so short. You cannot fix them by understanding them but I get why you’re doing it. Don’t linger a long time with questioning their behavior or whether there’s something you could have done. Take care of yourself. It’s easy for people to say move on but not easy to do. I will say this, when you finally let this go, you might wish you would have sooner. I wish you peace, happiness and Love…
DA preferred love language is quality time... alone lol I'd be happy to be in a relationship with a DA who is committed and faithful, but doesn't need daily contact, keeps busy, lets me do my thing, and isn't afraid to love/be loved with this understanding of out mutual need for autonomy. It's the part about love/be loved that seems to be the stickler.
@@nishikumari4859 At times, I agree. I'm perfectly ok with my alone time, and giving space. It's when they can't or won't allow for love, or be loving even when their boundaries are honored, without panicking that a show of love is going to change everything.
Wont work, I am like you, but as time progress the relationship become more and more superficial, after a while you realize theres no much of a difference being single or staying with a DA, they really dont make good partners. You can never expect anything from them, like anything at all or they will freak out and run.
Wow! My Avoidant Ex's Love languages were quality time and physical touch!!! Is this typical for Avoidants? And I agree with your assessment of the 6th Love language of Avoidants!
My avoidant ex gf hated or strongly disliked me touching her. She didn’t like affection much at all and requested I slowed down with it, only to find out later she was showing that “affection” with other men while we were together.
@PuddyKatMan cheating is a deactivation strategy for avoidants. If they feel threatened by closeness and vulnerability with a partner they will cheat, because how can you be vulnerable with someone you are cheating on? You can't! So to avoid that vulnerability they will cheat. My ex made a comment once saying, "hey, everyone has cheated or been cheated on!" And I thought, wait that's not true...but in that moment I knew it was true for her!
After watch lots of video about avoidant, some teach people how to be like by an avoidant. But why someone who wants a healthy relationship should flow with an avoidant?
Guys, can I ask a random question, will an avoidant get angry if we do not pay them attention during their period of shutting down and withdrawal? I'm asking because today I encountered her during this shut down and withdrawal period and I asked her an innocent question related to work issues, she was smiling at me but her reply was mixed with sarcasm and anger. I felt it and it kind of hurt me. I just replied "okie" and took myself off. I am confused because during this period, she doesn't want to communicate and kinda ignores me or so called "runs away" when she sees me. I'm not playing games with her but I've been respecting her space and leaving her alone. So her reply filled with sarcasm and anger caught me by surprise and it stung. I'm confused, is this normal behaviour during their shut down period?
Take it from me and others who have dealt with avoidants acting out like this. LEAVE THEM ALONE! You will save yourself tons of heartache, mind screws and therapy sessions. You MUST walk and keep your self-respect and the relationship with yourself as TOP priority. If you have someone in your life that threatens that (like you do now), they MUST go. Deal with the pain of letting go now which is much less than the pain coming later that will have you twisted up like a pretzel.
@@eugenechan6048 The lessons and perspective I gained are going to serve me well going forward. I see myself attracting a healthy and whole woman to marry who is reciprocal in many ways. The DA ex gf just stopped by to give me some lessons before the REAL pick of the litter comes. 😍
indeed. they can start with never meeting, never showing any care and not texting each other, jsut put up the "in a relationship" badge on their social media
Yes the do want distance, independence, do what they want when they want without the person they assert is their "partner" . Control. Control. Control. Oh they do like acts of service and gifts subordinated to distance language.. This is also why she did not want to "define" our relationship...Cant have expectations... no...
Sounds like it wasn't a good fit for you. There's nothing wrong with her wanting those things and there's nothing wrong with you wanting more in a relationship. You're clearly mismatched together.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant Uhm, there is something very wrong, very “off” about a person like that. It’s not just a mismatch. I refuse to hand someone like that a mismatch pass. There is something much deeper going on.
Your comment on how to connect with an Avoidant is an Oxymoron. Firstly they control EVERYTHING and nothing happens without their say so. Secondly it's ALWAYS all about THEM. Connecting is quickly stifled.
People can only control something if you allow them to. If you don't like the way someone moves or handles things, unless married, you're not bound to that relationship. You have the control to say okay, this isn't for me and walk away. I don't really understand people when they say avoidants are controlling. Yes we control our own lives and are heavy to stick to our boundaries, but we don't expect people who are unhappy with this to stay if it isn't what they want. Anxious attachers are more controlling in a sense where they pick fights or get emotional because they want the relationship to move the way THEY want and when it doesn't, the "other person is controlling". No. You just need to find someone better suited for you.
Leave them. Get into therapy. You've succumbed to emotional manipulation & unfortunately fooled yourself into believing you are their "saviour" _ a truly unhealthy unhealthy enmeshment, toxic, soul destroying, this is not love.
What if a severe avoidant who is also a lithromantic. Think it is not possible to heal. Can see the disgusted expressions and goosebumps when triggered. 😂
Sounds like it's not a love language, but a respecting of individual personhood. Being secure enough to give them their own space, and headspy... not being co-dependent. Everyone needs some of that. Except, in many cases, it can be coupled with someone's own insecurity to actually feel and be moved by another. And that's not a relationship.
I know to some people this video may be discouraging, but I know they can changed based on how I am with him. Learn more about how to make them feel safe enough so they don’t have to pull away as much. I’m like a proud mom watching the progress ❤
Not unless they're willing to go to counselling/therapy for years. Nothing you do to build trust will ever solve it. You can't "fix" them yourself. It starts out all full of love and connection initially, (seemingly), but just devolves into distance, and you end up anxiety-ridden, and feeling confused and lonely.
I think there's a better question here. If your partner displays behaviors that you don't like or that make you feel hurt and the two of you haven't been able to resolve them (voicing boundaries and respecting eachothers boundaries) then marriage might not be a good idea anyway. But I think it's a tricky game to assume your partner is dismissive avoidant also. I've found that a lot of things can show up the same ways in relationships like npd, dismissive avoidant, disorganized avoidant, neurodivergence, etc which is why trying to "fix" a partner is a bad idea. You can't fix something if you don't know what it is and if you've ever been unfortunate enough to mistakenly try to fix someone who was later diagnosed with npd, you know what I mean. Set your boundaries, communicate with your partner, and have respect for them. If huge problems are still coming up, then no, don't get married.
You sound like a crazy stalker. Like the "Avoidant" choose to ignore me as I broke into there apartment judge. It is all there problem and fault they made me do it judge.. Hey if you come near me or mine you won't need a judge.
Duuuuuude. You're right, but you really aren't right at all. What "experience" do you have with these people? You're generalizing from reddit and shit. Stop trying tk speak gospel.
Again, stop judging and shaming! “They” are people and NOBODY is perfect. How about framing your videos in a more professional, kind and understanding way. These videos are extremely one sided and frankly inaccurate.
Just because *you feel shame* as a result of a video doesn't mean that the video's creator was guilty of actually shaming you. And dismissing an entire video as "inaccurate" without explaining exactly what or why it is inaccurate is uncompelling to say the least.
I personally like DAs because they are independent & self-sustaining. If you're not a co- dependent parasite, you can do well with them under the right circumstances. Shalom
I really think I'm starting to agree with this view. I've watched tons of attachment style content and been working on healing my disorganized but at no point have I found myself wanting a partner that isn't independent with their own social circle, professional life, dreams, and goals that are independent of me and the relationship. In the past, anxious partners drove me insane for this reason because it feels like they try to make the relationship their only goal and the center of their life and it makes everything feel so unbalanced. Whereas DAs and other disorganized or fearful avoidants have always been more balanced and fulfilling connections for me from the personal space needs on both sides perspective anyway. I think this is an opinion that doesn't get voiced or explored nearly enough
@greg. I thought so too. The issue is that it’s not communicated. I love my own space but when the person withdraws, it’s not communicated. Perhaps they’re varying degrees of DAs..I like my space. And I also like someone to communicate with me and let me know when they want space. Not abruptly go radio silent then resent me when I ask questions. Why can’t it all be communicated? Dated a DA I really liked but bowed out when I realized I was doing all the communicating. Too much work. I like healthy relationships. The person also has to be whole and healthy. Not putting their hands up saying go away like a toddler. Words are great!
Wrong wrong wrong 😂😂😂😂 You’re overthinking something that’s so simple to us😂😂😂 You’ll never understand because you’re not a DA. We are not some formula that can be figured out. Nor is our behavioral quirks uniform. Most likely you are making us avoidant attachment over complicated and causing your target audience confusion and frustration. I’m exhausted with your soliloquy and I’m more certain than not your audience is exhausted with your word salad in attempt to “intellectualize” what you will never understand. Let me save you a brain cell or two and simplify our behavior by informing: We want to see and be around people when want and when we don’t we don’t. There’s no calculated exploration or exploitation. You’re a grifter who needs people to believe you have a solution to sell your one on one coaching and etc. Save your money people cause clearly he has no clue how an avoidant operates. Because he isn’t an avoidant.
i think he mention once that he is an avoidant and secondly, attachment styles and therefore communication skills or needs are deeply rooted in childhood. it would be foolish to think its a simple and non-complex Mechanism. People who are DA mostly like had a path of neglect in early childhood. The Problem are the parents who couldnt meet their needs. And if a patent cant give you what you need, you will feel like no one can ever, but DA have a little hope every time they maybe enter a relationship, to fix that, to receive what they truly want and need. love. Humans are complicated and i understand that you think He is depicting the avoidants as heartless or unworthy of love, but it helps me to understand my DA. it helps me feel less Anger, Frustration or Sadness. Knowing that i didnt cause this rather her parents to act this way, that feels relieving. And the more you understand your Partner, they better he/she can open up and make this relationship work. because everybody deserves love even tho some will make you feel like they dont. they do!
This will be the final video I watch about dismissive Avoidants. I’ve been dumped by my ex DA gf a month ago. I’m exhausted from thinking about it, talking about it, watching videos about it. This is the final one.
Edit: After reflecting more, my ex GF showed Covert Narcissist behavior with some Avoidant Traits. I believe she used that “avoidant” behavior, which garnered empathy, to continue her damaging emotional and mental games. I no longer believe she is mainly Avoidant with Narc traits but Covert Narc with Avoidant Traits.
Same. Also with narcissism. I'm over it. Edited to say: I appreciate channels like these when I was in the thick of it!
Just do it for the sake of learning and expansion. Remember that we also has attachment issues, so we need to detach from the past and move on till became secure attached
@ True indeed. I know what I need to do. Focus on continued healing, apply lessons learned from relationships with DA, pay attention and watch actions and listen closer, work on boundaries, communications, yada yada yada. All of the time I am watching these videos, I am not working on myself. This is it!
We, who are still henging, feel you... ❤
Right there with ya
Avoidants need to date each other. Perfect dynamic of bread crumbs, ignoring, space, and one day a month together. 😂
Haha I was giving only two days a month ..they still ran away 🤣🤣...bc I don't have time either and was cool if it wasn't serious lol
They don't really like eachother... Avoidants hate themselves, hate eachother.. And claim to hate anxious preoccupied people more... However they definitely hate avoidants more. As everyone else does. They claim to love themselves but it is a lie. They claim to love their space but it is another lie. They are liars. According to study avoidants are most attracted to the ones they claim to hate the most: Anxiously Preoccupied people.
They actually hate it then lol😅
Funny is that they want the warmth and dislike the coldness of a fellow avoidant!
They DESPISE being mirrored. The absolute hypocrisy. I ran from mine and now he doesn’t trust me and I don’t trust him. And we apparently both still love each other and we’re both still single
With my ex avoidant, distance typically meant he was talking to someone else.
Maybe he was just an asshole
@realBeltalowda he was
It’s monkey branching. They start a new relationship to feel the honeymoon stage again with someone else new
Yup, experienced this with my DA ex gf. Saw the red flags and found confirming info. Of course, lying is their defense but they don’t realize their behaviors (and sometimes words) confirmed what they were doing behind your back.
Narc quality
Stop trying to connect to these people. They are not healthy enough for intimate relationships. They need to just date each other. You have needs. They have needs. If they're not meeting your needs, find someone who can, and let them go get their needs met with someone else.
Agreed!
The difference between narcissists and avoidants: narcs want to “steal” the qualities and characteristics that you have for themselves, hence, eventually leaving you laying there like an empty shell. Avoidants rather, want you to keep your own qualities and characteristics, and actually have you continue using them with pride and expanding on them, like you’re polishing. Two completely different concepts. Either way, quit changing for people.. quit trying to morph into others. Continue being you and a better version of yourself, and neither of these will ruin your life. They won’t be able to or allowed to ❤
So damned right
Alcohol and dismissive avoidants would be a great subject
Weed too!!!
True, my ex was an alcoholic as was his dad.
Agreed.
YES!! Mine will drop his guard when drinking and give me everything I want.... communicative and sweet. But drunk 😢
@OrchidBetty same here. Mine was an alcoholic, once I helped him get sober, put my everything into his sobriety, he left me a year after and into it. He completely shut down. No emotions. No nothing. Just avoidance. Learning more about avoidance has been hard because I feel like had I known about these things while we were together, I feel I would have been able to make it work. Now we have been in NC after 4 months. Blind side discarded.
Dealing with them is a waste of life and a waste of time
Well since life is the time we have here alive... Yeah 100%
Wow this comment intrigue me entirely
I'm so happy as someone who was a anxious and now (mostly) secure and now dating a avoidant I bring up these issues and reassure that I am not going to take his independence but if things continue I wont stick around. I told him I need things in a relationship, but I don't need the relationship, this made him realize I'm not dependent on him yet he got upset as if he didn't want to lose me. Communication is key and I'm glad I can talk about your videos and he can tell me what kind of reassurance and love he needs but I can't be the only one sacrificing my need for a close relationship.
Its hard, very hard but we both spot problems and we work to fix and make change. Find ways we can care for each other effectively.
We may be young and dumb but if anything I'm happy to have change, grow and experience with a high school sweetheart.
5 months strong!!
Good for you. Many of us who have been blindsided and molly wopped by avoidants won’t ever allow them in our life as a romantic partner. The damage they have done is dang near unforgivable.
Keep us updated. I got with my DA about 2 years ago, was mostly secure when I got into the relationship... Now a week ago she broke up as I just started stonewalling her the past 2 weeks as I just couldn't hold the emotional neglect anymore. I often told my boundaries, but I didn't draw the line as to where my vision is so fucked now.
I think our chemistry is insanely matched, and somehow I wanted to break up since a few months but it just hurts as hell right now and as I am completely left on eggshells now, but I hope it gets better. She is acting like nothing happened, even saying she is no longer pressured... We just moved in together 6 months ago, sadly wasn't the best move... I just thought her avoidant tendencies will reduce, but its whatever. I just started doing the research now. She kept on not wanting to fix problems... Like the lack of sexual intimacy, she offered to just give me head every day and it'll be fine. And obviously I said no that's not what I mean, but that's what it had slowly become and I always asked if she's fine doing this, if it's honest and she said yeah, I could feel she was just lying & pressured but I was scared of being on my own again... Ugh. Gotta deal with it now, even though I am pretty attractive, got my standards but they are so crushed now. :/
I hate to break this to you, but its not going to get better. He is going to take that talk as a win, but as stated in this video, eventually he will revert to the same things= avoiding his part in your relationship. Ive been in this nearly 10 years. The up/ down is killing me. Ive got to end it. 😢
@@carolsherman9817 Nah, get help. Take your time for healing, and stop trying to put yourself into the victim mindset.
If you as a person mature, and get stronger… incase they do return, you can think about your moves and make sure no boundaries are being broken. And if they actually didn‘t learn and won‘t move on, you gotta quit. It‘s okay, as you know you are better and they are busy with their past and rather not improve theirselves, that is also okay. But there are so many people out there, and also I am just 20 and it was just 3 years of a relationship.
Yikes, things don't usually take a bad turn with an avoidant until the 6-8 month point. Just be prepared! I know this from experience.
Do whatever you do, avoidant will dump you anyway.
True
What a whiplash 😑 this gas-breaks cycle is insanity-inducing, I say that from experience like most of us here.
I myself am very autonomy-prone in connections, needing my space and alone time yet still - the lack of warmth and even amicable communication in the inbetweens is destroying the foundations of any human connection -
This RESET after distance, this needing to restart when finally meeting up, it is a disconnect, it is a disaster to any normal functioning nervous system, the need to connect and evolve in closeness is ingrained in us humans.
Being in a relationship with an avoidant that is this dismissive is like a whiteboard - we meet, get close and warm, then he disappears for 3 weeks, dry in texts, and he acts like a semi-stranger, while my heart is more and more open and attached in remembering said closeness, and in normal need for continuity.
How can HE handle this dysfunction??
Like the memory of a fish - restarting the connection every 3 weeks when it sank almost to a zero point level - I have no idea, no clue.
I feel sorry for us - their lovers, friends, and partners, deeply sorry for myself -
And my main goal for this year is to take him off the pedestal and fall out of love with him, and heal this wound of trauma that makes me attracted to my neglectful "dad" every time. I need to heal myself, many of us here do, bring the focus back to our deep issues. I am trying for years and will keep at it ❤ The fawn response, the limerence, the anxiety, my father wound and so much more sadly. tons of self healing to do.
One thing I can say -
I work my a*s off with 2 therapists for 5 years, and as you can see the results are very partial and slow, I am very self aware and know a lot...
If it takes an eternity for me,
Then how much hope does the average aloof avoidant has in therapy with magically changing attachment even a bit?
I am a very very grounded pessimistic for most of them, gonna take a lifetime for most, if at all.
I like how you described the need to evolve in connection. That's exactly what I clearly felt - what else should one do with someone they love? Other than be connected and evolve together, deepening that connection to the greatest possible level? Meanwhile for the avoidant it seems like they too want this evolution to happen, but while remaining separate, never getting deeper, and using what they learn "with you" not in that very relationship that taught them all that, but in their surface level relationship with the outside world that doesn't give a F*** about them, and with another poor souls that they will entrap for a bit until they realize it's once again unsafe as some signs of commitment and attachment surface.
Tbh I feel like I was secure before the relationship.. somewhere along turned anxious by dating an avoidant & now am omw to becoming avoidant myself ngl..
This is a very good video, and you are wise in your assessments. I've been doing the push pull dance with the avoidant in my life for a while and I've learned to not caring about the outcome so much and to focus on who I was before him and when he pulls away, I redirect my attention, which seems to make him want to be available more. It's a super slow process but pulling away when he does gives us both a break, and I'm secure enough to know he'll be back because I know I'm not easily replaced and if so, so be it. It's an air that you have about yourself. They sense it. The key is to know your worth with or without their validation, which only makes you more attractive. Such a fascinating dynamic.
Same ❤
As long as the push pull dance is what you yourself require, otherwise you’re catering to a dynamic that isn’t healthy for either of you. You’re enabling an avoidant dynamic that is fuelled with insecurity, rather than holding them to their behaviours, and those behaviours can sprout into some very damaging avenues - all DA partners are different and attachment works on a spectrum, but the emotional safety that avoidantly attached people get from distance is also achieved in cheating, to drive a wedge feels good and as they have the ability to bypass emotional intimacy pushing away and entertaining someone else have the same effect. Hence many avoidants being serial daters, well those charming socials types of DA anyway.
As long as you have your DA feeling safe enough to express their needs and fears as they happen, you might be fine… but in my experience, even your DA who loves you with the depths of their heart can leave you at the drop of a hat. A secure DA can bottle resentment without you knowing and that deactivation will explode giving you no time to sort through the pieces. Sorry, doom and gloom - I hope you and your DA are happy and you’re able to fulfil each other’s needs. We’re not all so lucky with the DA’s we fall for.
@norswil8763 I hear you, but there's something in not caring and caring at the same time. Oh, and you definitely have to call them out, but it's also in the way you do it. My thing is I honestly don't care, to a certain degree. I'm going to focus on myself and if he can manage to jump on board than good, but if not well, there's more fish in the sea and he's definitely be clear about that and at the same time he knows that I'm not looking, but the door isn't closed. You must not let them be the center of your world until they want to be, and if he cheats, well, adiós.
🎯
I couldn’t deal with the push-pull dynamic with my ex avoidant. We had different family upbringings. Parts of him remind me of my father which was part of the initial attraction. But my father was always there & never made me feel too bad for wanting to be close to him. My ex, on the other hand, did. Hence, my waning attraction to him. I can’t say he’s a bad guy. I was sick of the white lies and condescension when I felt emotional distance. I didn’t respect him due to his lack of honesty at that point. I lost my patience and ended up telling him off. I know I bruised his ego. He’s never coming back again ha.
Mannnn this is exhausting ... Thank you for explaining to me cause I knew I wasn't crazy
Best explanation Ive seen so far. Defined my avoidant perfectly. Now she’s in a relationship with someone 30 years older than her who’s too busy to spend any time with her. Good riddance…
30 years?!
Eww
Yep, hurts to think about, but that was my thought exactly…
@@drv102091 She’s now getting that “space” she wanted but probably when she only wanted it, not when it is the default setting. 😆
Who GAF about avoidants. Leave them in the dust.
Accurate. I’m 38 years old and I just dealt with my first avoidant. It was pure misery. The gaslighting, the excuses, the flakiness, the blame, blah blah blah. I dealt with it for months and can’t understand why. Never again
Tbh I started watching it before breaking up trying to get my ex back but now I really don't want to. I lost all feelings but I'm watching this when I'm bored because it's interesting and I like your video style. It's relaxing. Reasons for watching your videos changed drastically 😂
Simply put you put effort and they do nothing but string you along. Usually with multiple people not just you. Your needs do not matter period.
Pretty much this. While I appreciate the explanation this all sounds so dysfunctional and selfish
This all sounds like confusion and dysfunction. It felt that way going through it. My DA did not come with a label or communication about what was happening. From the outside looking in… a DA and a Narc are the same.
If I may, I was/may still be an insecurely attached person, most likely neurodivergent. It has taken decades to come to this knowledge of self and the work still isn't complete. No amount of self-awareness is changing the attachment needs. All in all, we are here to attach to OURSELVES. People you date, in truth are not the source of TRUE love for you. YOU are. Any attachment issues we have are results of nature and nurture. Underneath the human meat suit is a soul that yearns for nothing. Connect to your soul and everything else will align. 💪🏾
Deep.
@@LTizzle34 lovely response, hope all the shamers and haters read something into it and learn something.
Truth❤❤
Said he was rarely happy, sometimes contented. And he said, I love your company.
I said, well happy is a fluid concept, thanks. I'm not miss entertainment, I have energy for many things👍
That's because they are making excuses. I am a lot like an avoidant in some way by the fact that sometimes I do want to be alone. But most people are like that. You don't need to have the label of "avoidant" over your head to actually know what it's like to desire alone time. To know what it's like to desire not feeling pressured.
But communicate it. Make your intentions clear.
The biggest problem with the avoidant is that they avoid confrontation. They are liars. "Making excuses" is just another form of lying. I mean, it literally is just lying.
And at the end of the day, it's pretty simple. You do not want to be in a relationship with someone who lies about something this trivial. Something this non-difficult to communicate.
And if you think you do...
Just wait until the lack of communication and distress turns into you getting blindsided or cheated on.
Then you'll think twice before wanting to be in a relationship with someone who's incapable of having basic conversations.
Being an avoidant is not a disorder.
Many people can and have moved towards being secure.
An avoidant that stays an avoidant... It's not that they can't change their attachment style. It's that they won't.
Being an avoidant is someone refusing to be a genuine person even to themselves.
They can't even be honest to themselves. They won't be honest to you.
i like the passion feels comforting lol.
Everyone needs to work towards being a secure person and all insecure attachments will have issues until they become secure then they are in a state of authenticity.
Which means if someone comes into your life or goes out your life you can accept it doesn't mean you didn't want them or didn't express it suredly it just means you are stable enough to handel winning things you want and losing things you want.
avoidants are just undercover anxious, they both need to be secure. avoidance need to overcome their anxious attachment because that's what is really happening to them but they hide it and suppress it.
so in a way yes they lie to themselves, whereas anxious don't lie to themself they just need to stop not being themself by stopping people pleasing and being brave.
Kind of messed up, but, it’s the truth and, the truth hurts sometimes. That’s why it’s best to let these types of relationships end and people go. If you don’t you form a trauma bond and that is not healthy.
Thank you for this insight.
Chris, I love your work and have learned a lot from you. I suggest helping these avoidants being more and more secure. It seems the fearful avoidants learned self reliant pretty well, which is not helping them engaging in any intimate relationships. So they need lots of healing, and I am hoping you can help them. Probably lots of people like me are already gave up on dem entirely. Thanks
The problem is that they are the least likely people to let themselves be helped…The best thing is just to stay well away from these people..
Before he can help, Chris first needs to learn to stop being so judgemental and dismissive of people who may have this attachment style, and to take a more factual approach. Clearly he has issues to resolve before he will be in a position to offer valuable and genuine assistance instead of shaming people.
to for an avoidant to be happy, you need to comply and not ask anything
And for you to be happy, you must walk away from the avoidant, keep them out of your life and find a healthier, more reciprocal partner.
I’ve actually found that they are still not happy because they secretly resent you for yielding to their needs. It’s a no-win situation with them.
Avoidants are simple with basic needs so when others have a ton of needs, we don't operate in a way where we're going to shift into your way of thinking and being just because we're in a relationship with you. We grew up thinking that we should only rely on ourselves and meet our own needs. It is what it is. I can date an avoidant and they will open up to me because I let them move at their own pace. When you do that is when they start being vulnerable. It's definitely not for everyone, but neither is dating anxious attachments.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant I am reflecting a bit more on my last relationship. I believe I ran into a Covert Narcissist with Avoidant Traits. The darkness around her behavior makes me think this was not just someone who was avoidant. She want far above and beyond to cover up multiple infidelities, lied straight to my face (I had evidence) and actually slept with another man early Sunday morning before we were to go to church services together. That’s some dark stuff right there.
@@PuddyKatMan I honestly think many are taking attachment theory too far. It should be used as a baseline to understand anxious/avoidant traits. In a situation like yours, this person just sucks to put it bluntly. They sound selfish and just wrong. I loathe cheaters.
Contrarily, the avoidant to me is the one who is trapped inside the parameter. He cannot escape the wall he keeps running into trying to avoidi the prize. It is painful to watch however, there’s something about a long shot that pays off better if they can figure out how to stop hurting themselves.
There comes a time when you need to face your issues, heal, and move on before you get into a relationship because this type of behavior especially in a committed relationship, is very unhealthy
It’s very destructive to the recipient. Countless people are traumatized by dating Dismissive Avoidants (and maybe the others) to the point they are claiming they won’t ever date again. That’s a really deep impact they had on someone in a negative way.
@PuddyKatMan i completely agree...you can't expect someone to put up with your trauma and continue to love you unless you are willing to heal and grow
He summed it up with the dog analogy…this is LITERALLY what Avoidants want you to be..their dog…!!
So they can pet you whenever they feel like it :)
I was in a relationship with one and I told her that I’m watching videos about anxious/avoidant dynamics and she tried watching some too and she asked me “do you read the comments on such content?”
And I was like no why 😂
Cuz literally people were trying to warn me from dating an avoidant and I didn’t believe them until I was done with that shizz…!!
They have it backwards. Love is closeness
The problem isnt what they need. The problem is They. Wont. Tell. You. Its like if they tell you...it might actually work out...and we cant have THAT 😅😅
Wow it’s like it’s your fault
The sad thing is not that they won’t tell you, it’s that they don’t know what they need. They’d most likely tell you if they did. 😢
The only way you deal with an avoidant is leave him/her alone. No stupid games, it's their problem and they need to deal with it. Guys just work on yourself till you are as secure as you can and find another person that does the same thing. Sure, it will slash the dating pool to a fraction but it's better to find someone of quality than go crazy by trying to understand someone that is not healthy. I have a friend that has bpd and no, i won't accommodate him and it's his job to help and get treated. The same goes for avoidants.
I heard a psychologist state something on the lines of avoidants being the majority in the dating pool because they get recycled back into it quicker due to not staying in relationships long. Anxious people follow next but we tend to hold on too long. Secures tend not to stay in the dating pool long.
Is it possible for an avoidant to just be in the realm of "potential" all the time?
I saw this guy at his workplace about once a week or so. At 1st I didn't even notice him. Then 1 day we happened to look into each other's eyes...and I felt like an electric shock ran through my entire body.
After that I noticed him look at me all the time, smiling, trying to be around me often, joking, a few times doing small acts of service. It was pretty intense emotionally and very weird. I felt admired/adored but only for an hour or so a week, when I went there. It never became anything else. After a while I started withdrawing emotiinally and through body language. I started leaving a group if he came over, that sort of thing. Not overtly and not to hurt him but to protect myself from the emotional rollercoaster. I actually got quite resentful...He got to see me regularly but never had to put any effort in.
After 2 years of this he suddenly announced he was moving for work, and he did. 2 months later.
Before that he casually remarked (to a group of people, again) that we could always connect on FB...but he never did that, either.
After a while I blocked him so as not to be tempted to check his posts...To this day I don't know what it was, but the whole episode hit my self confidence hard. I'm slowly recovering and thinking of dating sites.
Did I imagine the whole thing?
I wonder if my ex DA’s constant lying was caused by his need for space (which caused conflicts a lot). After being friends for a year post breakup, with him gradually detaching instead of working on things, I’m done now. If he wants space, why not just tell me instead of lie me straight into the face. If he wants to date other people, why not stop using me for emotional support and let me go find someone else who does care?
Instead, things took an unexpected turn where he hit me after I confronted him about hiding something from me and therefore being so cold and distant. Now I let him go get all the space he wants. He can move to Mars if that’s what he needs, I don’t care anymore.
If they hit you or cheat on you, those should be immediate and permanent deal breakers. There is no coming back from that.
Good for you! Take care of YOU.
If you want that avoidant person too much, you won’t feel joy anymore if you’ll have to pay a much higher price than you thought.
Dealing with avoidant is like learning something by throwing yourself into a safari for months instead of reading and thinking. This channel is about understanding and dealing with avoidant, but at the end you might find yourself into a dependency/co-dependency not so good relationship or even worst, loosing time healing and on someone’s transformation who will go further with the lessons you gave.
A good memento mori achievement: If you invested in yourself to become who you are now (not fortunate by coming from a healthy family situation), an avoidant may f#@k you up.
Yep, sadly you'll be the process person and until we heal, every person is just a distraction. I'm so sorry what u been through with an avoidant
Key here is "needing to excuses for alone time".
When you need to find excuses you are not in a deep relationship. Probably trying to hide something you are uncomfortable with. From the partner but ultimately from yourself. The worst lies are the ones we tell ourselves.
In the end it comes down to self love and self worth.
Regarding the invisible fence, I've been dealing with a mutual attraction from a distance with a guy at my gym who I believe is an avoidant with that unspoken boundary. But the fence isn't just to keep me at bay. It's also on the other side: he doesn't want me to go too far away from him.
When I have been unexpectedly absent (due to work, illness, etc.), he has reacted with pouty behaviour. He almost behaves like a child angry at a parent, where he will position himself just at the edge of my line of sight facing away from me to show me he is upset (if he was truly displeased and didn't want me anymore, he would've just left altogether).
When he has thought he might be losing me to someone else, he will react with alarm and panic, or will even start indirectly pursuing me (through strong hinting) in an effort to maintain the connection.
To me, it's a control issue. When he thinks he's losing control over the situation, he will either withdraw (to regain a sense of control) or try to lure me back.
Lol... married one, and he never told me he was a DA or distance was his thing... if he had told me when he first started dating, it would have saved a lot of time and tears.
I never heard of Avoidant personality until now. Described him 💯. We had the on and off again for 7 years. But recently finally ended it for the last time. I know he will try and come back but I’m done. I’m mentally exhausted but free.
Reached out on my DA ex afte 2months of breakup and no contact via test, didn't beg nor sound need, I was like " let's not make pride n ego ruin our beautiful connection" did that cause from these videos they're scared of being open or vulnerable to reach first, so her replied was, there's nothing to work out , she's moved on, that I should do thesame, I now knew she was long gone before the disconnect, and has alot to do do about her not me, and that's final from my side, that was my last shot... you all can blame me for rwaching out like my friends did, but I'm fine... I'm an empath who don't give up easily.
For me it’s been words of affirmation and yet he can’t even receive them…
Basically be their little puppy dog when they want and don't have any needs yourself.
You hit a common question people have about dismissive avoidants... "Am I dealing with a narcissist or an avoidant? How can I tell the difference?" The problem is trying to figure out their intentions, because that's where the clue lies. Narcissists have different intentions and reasons for their reactions than an avoidant. The avoidant's reactions are out of self-protection; the narc is out of manipulation. The treatment from both can be very similar, which is why it's so painful for many people who experience avoidants. It's a similar abuse, but avoidants don't want to hurt the person - but the narc does.
O yes, I am watching him attempting to reconnect, and not getting any response ... suffer, dear, suffer!
Yessss! 😂🎉 so great when you come to the point where you realise your worth!
Chris, I have an answer to your question, "how would a secure person handle an avoidant?" A secure person would observe the behavior, question it out of curiousity, communicate clearly, and establish boundaries. If the avoidant is unable to observe those boundaries, the secure person would understand that a connection is not going to happen and would therefore move on.
Only IN-secure people will do the avoidant dance, Chris.
It's a battle of if the DA will become more secure or you become anxious.
Think about back in the “old days”….guys would go off to hunt, go to war, go to do chores, plant/harvest crops. People didn’t have Smart phones. I would argue it’s normal to go without talking/seeing each other. Haven’t you heard “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”?
I completely agree!! I don't understand why people can't be content in their relationship without being in constant contact. Who cares?
For secure attachment people only lol
I immediately started watching your video because of the subject, of course, but it was the thumbnail that grabbed me. 😆 Thanks for all your hard work work your videos
Thank you for all your help....its helping ❤
I love you guys inside and out. Thank you for all the information you have brought to my attention. I’ll keep posted ❤do you
The amount of hate is worrying. In healthy relationships, everyone should still be doing his/her things. They should still garnish friendships, family and the occasional hobby without the need of bringing in excuses all the time and this works both ways. Try and spend 24/7 together and see how quickly simple annoyances turn into fights.
Try to find each other's love language and spend some time and communication into how to be there for one another. If you know how to please your partner and you know how you partner shows gratitute in his/her own way, you can find the road to a succesful relationship even while not starting out on the same road. It takes an open mind from both sides, not just the "avoidant" partner.
the try to spend 24/7 together part is intriguing… it seems avoidants are the cause of strife and arguments, often interpreting anything as criticism. it’s really not hard to spend 24/7 with someone and not get annoyed with them. i’ve had two long term relationships like that. and when the rare disagreement or argument does occur, we don’t need space, quite the opposite, we come together and ask questions until we understand each others perspective, from there a solution can be found that equally satisfies both. then by the end the disagreement actually builds the bond stronger. this seems obvious to me but avoidants can’t seem to grasp it.
@@stxrknight5944 lol yes we do. My DA and I talk all the time. No one gets emotional or flies off the deep end or starts yelling. We just say what's on our mind.
It's my limit of course, but in almost 20 minutes video the only thing i got clearly and simply is when the Avoidant wrote: i'll be fine in a relationship when i'll meet someone like me (or similar meaning). Here's the only deep truth. YES! YESSS!!! Stay with yourkind. Look for them. Be with them (or sort of). Love them the way you like to do each other and let the rest of humanity outside your nightmare. Avoid us. Stay with those like yourself. Everybody's happy. Avoidants and us. Everybody!!!
You have explained this so very well. You have made this cycle make sense. Thank you.
1. Food
2. Water
3. Sleep
You described my partner to a tee. Avoidant narcissist. 😢 i know i should leave.
IF ANYONES SINGLE LMK 🤣🤣 (kinda joking)
I pray we all find our sanity again for the new year 2025!!!! WE HAVE SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE DONT GIVE UP!! 🎁💕❄️
I am looking forward to putting this year behind me. Thank you.
I think they just are not made for normal relationships and even love.
My DA ex gf was still hooked on her first ex husband who beat her before and during the marriage. She talked about him quite a bit.
Why did she still marry him when he beat her before the marriage? 🤷♂️
"Avoidants" have been around for hundreds of years or more. They get married, have kids and some stay together with their partner forever. Avoidant attachment isn't a new phenomenon. We are 100% made for love...with the right person.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant I am slowly moving to the side that my ex may not have been an avoidant but a Covert Narcissist with some Avoidant traits. As I reflect, I remember her saying things and doing things that seemed more along the lines of purposely trying to damage and destroy as opposed to protecting herself and her space. Hmm…..
@PuddyKatMan after reading your last comment that makes sense.
Its from childhood trauma. They need healing.
How should a secure person handle an avoidant? Simple. Become avoidant. That is the only way to understand one. Your emotional and physical intimacy needs neither matter nor will be met.
Secure people avoid insecure people.
@cangrejitamiry I'm alot more secure after being married to one.
@@wizardofaus2985You stated “your emotional and physical intimacy needs neither matter nor will be met”. Are you staying with this type of person or working your way towards leaving them? I would not think a secure person would stay with this type of person once they realize what they have gotten in to.
@PuddyKatMan I'm trying to untangle myself as all my things are in a shared storage facility but I don't make enough money to rent a place to myself to store them.
@PuddyKatMan we haven't lived together in about 3 years. Married on paper only.
If you care whether they stay or go..Run!
Only the Secure can survive them and only the secure is who they marry.❤
I am securely attached, and I dumped my DA. I'm not putting up with the BS they bring.
Tell that to my ex DA gf who got married to and divorced twice from two very abusive men in many ways. She told me the day she broke up with me that both of her husbands were secure men. Anyone who thinks physically, sexually, financially, emotionally and mentally abusive partners / spouses are “secure” got something twisted going on within.
no only an anxious will marry an avoidant lol. once i started setting boundaries to preserve my energy bc i noticed i was literally mentally and physically exhausted from being a people pleaser with zero boundaries or self respect, they were not happy about it. it caused automatic defense mechanisms in them that made a fruitful conversation nearly impossible. the perfect person for an avoidant is someone who has no needs of their own, who is on call and can drop whatever they’re doing at any time, who never gets mad and is always cheerful, who never criticizes or points out any hypocrisy. basically, it has to be an uneven relationship and even then they will take you for granted.
@@stxrknight5944 Hmm, now that I think about it, I was that type of person with my DA ex gf. However, near the end of the relationship, I started holding her accountable to handle her own stuff and stopped doing a lot of stuff her self-professed lazy a$$ should be doing. I started calling her out on things, too. She broke up with me about a week or two after I stopped being her crutch.
@@stxrknight5944 The ex DA gf broke up with me around the time I started having boundaries with her. She was asking me to do some things she could do herself. She was also a self-professed lazy person. I started telling her to do that herself and let her know she can do it. About two weeks later, she cut the cord. About a year before breaking up with me, her sister told me in front of her “My sister uses people!” I now see that was 100% true even though my ex downplayed it.
So grateful that you make sense out of the mystery. It's helped me take much better care of myself.
Great video bro, masterpiece!!! Genius
This is insanely accurate
omg the invisible fense is so familiar.
Hey I've purchased the course and have a coaching session that will line up with the 30 NC day out of my 45, how do I join the private group to start prepping?
Contact our support and I’ll hook you up! Support@exboyfriendrecovery.com
this sounds like such an unhealthy death spiral
Saddest thing about this video is that story about the dog. Wtf?? Who are these dodo's electrocuting their own pets?
But then he blows up my phone. Calling me, texting me and FaceTime like he’s anxious about what I’m doing. I don’t understand him and my tolerance is low for the BS
Oh, i get it now... I think...lol. since my husband is a covert narc he has turned me into an avoidant. Since I am in divorce process I started dating and briefly met an avoidant..which turned me into an anxious. 😂😂 Then I met an anxious and I only avoided him when he yelled at me..or said something incredibly rude otherwise I loved the closeness. I'm working on myself.. waiting and praying for a loving Christian man.
My avoidant ex cooked on purpose first real date and carried my bags when we was together, mine was writing love letters and making presents being very different was interesting I knew love languages when we was together not in depth like now but I think it’s interesting to think about :’)
This is so good.
Would someone who is Dismissive Avoidant tell you “I like getting my way”?
Would someone who is DA mess around with multiple partners behind your back and maintain they aren’t to your face?
Would a DA mess with someone outside of your relationship early Sunday morning before you were to go to church services with them and even when you presented proof that you knew they did it, they still denied it?
Would a DA call you someone else’s name and then try to say they were calling you a pet name and they don’t know that person, only for you to later find out they had that person’s name and number written down in a notebook.
Would a couple of the DA’s siblings tell you 1) “My sister / brother uses people” in front of the DA and another sibling tells you “my brother / sister needs help. They need support”?
Would a DA buy a new appliance in cash, put their broken one on the box and return it back to the store, keeping the new item and getting their money back?
Would a DA break up / discard you after reading the book ‘Attached’ and say we don’t work but then proceed to tell you they are not changing?
I am wondering if I was with a true DA or if I was with a Covert Narc with DA traits. Any feedback appreciated.
Borderline Personality disorder?
@ Wow. Never thought of that. From your experience, these are strong symptoms? I was thinking Covert Narc because she got dark closer to the end:
* Would a DA self-profess to be lazy but when you stopped doing some things closer to the end for her and started telling them that they can do it own their own, they ended the relationship shortly thereafter?
* Would a DA claim that her mouth guard no longer works because she has been sucking a lot of d*** (she told me this over the phone)? And then when you call her out about it in person, she claims she meant she was doing that to you but you recall that she wasn’t doing it that much to you?
* Would a DA mention yet another man’s name in almost a sexual tone while you are on the phone with her and then try and turn it into a joke? Also, this same man’s name and number were also found written down in her notebook.
* Would a DA reference to her two former husbands as being the only secure relationships she has had (I lean anxious) while she was breaking up with you even though she experienced physical abuse in 1st one and was R-worded in the second marriage?
So many red flags I missed or ignored because I empathized with the trauma dump.
@@Gmxb Date R-worded in college, physical abuse before and during 1st marriage (she seems to be hooked on that 1st one because she mentioned him quite a bit), R-worded in 2nd marriage. Claims that I was first real and healthiest relationship she had. Told me one week she was in love with me. Next week, said something crazy about “you’re not my man and I should not have to put this much effort into having s** with you.” Just crazy town stuff I went through with this woman.
@@PuddyKatMan I don’t like labeling people but I would certainly research the subject if it would help you move on. The truth is, it doesn’t matter at the end of the day. I’ve been through this and life is so short. You cannot fix them by understanding them but I get why you’re doing it. Don’t linger a long time with questioning their behavior or whether there’s something you could have done. Take care of yourself. It’s easy for people to say move on but not easy to do. I will say this, when you finally let this go, you might wish you would have sooner. I wish you peace, happiness and Love…
@@Gmxb Thanks for your response. I appreciate it.
amazing visuals btw
DA preferred love language is quality time... alone lol
I'd be happy to be in a relationship with a DA who is committed and faithful, but doesn't need daily contact, keeps busy, lets me do my thing, and isn't afraid to love/be loved with this understanding of out mutual need for autonomy. It's the part about love/be loved that seems to be the stickler.
But thier actions are way too stingy ,
@@nishikumari4859 At times, I agree. I'm perfectly ok with my alone time, and giving space. It's when they can't or won't allow for love, or be loving even when their boundaries are honored, without panicking that a show of love is going to change everything.
Wont work, I am like you, but as time progress the relationship become more and more superficial, after a while you realize theres no much of a difference being single or staying with a DA, they really dont make good partners. You can never expect anything from them, like anything at all or they will freak out and run.
Wow! My Avoidant Ex's Love languages were quality time and physical touch!!! Is this typical for Avoidants? And I agree with your assessment of the 6th Love language of Avoidants!
My avoidant ex gf hated or strongly disliked me touching her. She didn’t like affection much at all and requested I slowed down with it, only to find out later she was showing that “affection” with other men while we were together.
@PuddyKatMan cheating is a deactivation strategy for avoidants. If they feel threatened by closeness and vulnerability with a partner they will cheat, because how can you be vulnerable with someone you are cheating on? You can't! So to avoid that vulnerability they will cheat. My ex made a comment once saying, "hey, everyone has cheated or been cheated on!" And I thought, wait that's not true...but in that moment I knew it was true for her!
After watch lots of video about avoidant, some teach people how to be like by an avoidant. But why someone who wants a healthy relationship should flow with an avoidant?
Guys, can I ask a random question, will an avoidant get angry if we do not pay them attention during their period of shutting down and withdrawal?
I'm asking because today I encountered her during this shut down and withdrawal period and I asked her an innocent question related to work issues, she was smiling at me but her reply was mixed with sarcasm and anger. I felt it and it kind of hurt me. I just replied "okie" and took myself off. I am confused because during this period, she doesn't want to communicate and kinda ignores me or so called "runs away" when she sees me. I'm not playing games with her but I've been respecting her space and leaving her alone. So her reply filled with sarcasm and anger caught me by surprise and it stung. I'm confused, is this normal behaviour during their shut down period?
dude just leave
Take it from me and others who have dealt with avoidants acting out like this. LEAVE THEM ALONE! You will save yourself tons of heartache, mind screws and therapy sessions. You MUST walk and keep your self-respect and the relationship with yourself as TOP priority. If you have someone in your life that threatens that (like you do now), they MUST go. Deal with the pain of letting go now which is much less than the pain coming later that will have you twisted up like a pretzel.
@@PuddyKatMan I'm sorry you went thru such a breakup. It sucks totally.
@@stxrknight5944 I will, thank you. The complete change is a shocker.
@@eugenechan6048 The lessons and perspective I gained are going to serve me well going forward. I see myself attracting a healthy and whole woman to marry who is reciprocal in many ways. The DA ex gf just stopped by to give me some lessons before the REAL pick of the litter comes. 😍
I found my mirrored self. He taught me about myself and him. I love you Vincent from Galster Park!
shouldnt she just date another avoidant lol
Not even that helps them! It eventually devolves because both consistently just want more and more space and get bored.
indeed. they can start with never meeting, never showing any care and not texting each other, jsut put up the "in a relationship" badge on their social media
@@1970MBA lol right? In a relationship and so in love
11:10 so, avoidants are basically machines. That actually explains a lot
Maybe jabba the hut should just stay away from princess Leah once and for all?
This is perfect
Yes the do want distance, independence, do what they want when they want without the person they assert is their "partner" . Control. Control. Control. Oh they do like acts of service and gifts subordinated to distance language.. This is also why she did not want to "define" our relationship...Cant have expectations... no...
Sounds like it wasn't a good fit for you. There's nothing wrong with her wanting those things and there's nothing wrong with you wanting more in a relationship. You're clearly mismatched together.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant Uhm, there is something very wrong, very “off” about a person like that. It’s not just a mismatch. I refuse to hand someone like that a mismatch pass. There is something much deeper going on.
Your comment on how to connect with an Avoidant is an Oxymoron. Firstly they control EVERYTHING and nothing happens without their say so. Secondly it's ALWAYS all about THEM.
Connecting is quickly stifled.
People can only control something if you allow them to. If you don't like the way someone moves or handles things, unless married, you're not bound to that relationship. You have the control to say okay, this isn't for me and walk away.
I don't really understand people when they say avoidants are controlling. Yes we control our own lives and are heavy to stick to our boundaries, but we don't expect people who are unhappy with this to stay if it isn't what they want. Anxious attachers are more controlling in a sense where they pick fights or get emotional because they want the relationship to move the way THEY want and when it doesn't, the "other person is controlling". No. You just need to find someone better suited for you.
So you mean they all end up stuck in the isolation phase and never cross through?
isn't that the truth!
Honestly,
Im just gonna avoid relationships. I wanna be single.
I like the thumbnail
Idk what to do with a DA who has depression...can't give up on him cz of his suicidal thought..💔
Let them theory by Mel Robbins!!
Leave them. Get into therapy. You've succumbed to emotional manipulation & unfortunately fooled yourself into believing you are their "saviour" _ a truly unhealthy unhealthy enmeshment, toxic, soul destroying, this is not love.
What if a severe avoidant who is also a lithromantic. Think it is not possible to heal. Can see the disgusted expressions and goosebumps when triggered. 😂
Sounds like it's not a love language, but a respecting of individual personhood. Being secure enough to give them their own space, and headspy... not being co-dependent. Everyone needs some of that.
Except, in many cases, it can be coupled with someone's own insecurity to actually feel and be moved by another. And that's not a relationship.
I know to some people this video may be discouraging, but I know they can changed based on how I am with him. Learn more about how to make them feel safe enough so they don’t have to pull away as much. I’m like a proud mom watching the progress ❤
But they dont in the beginning! Everything about them is just pure abuse to "us"
Don't be a dog 🤣
So is it worth thinking about marriage? With a DA?
Not unless they're willing to go to counselling/therapy for years. Nothing you do to build trust will ever solve it. You can't "fix" them yourself.
It starts out all full of love and connection initially, (seemingly), but just devolves into distance, and you end up anxiety-ridden, and feeling confused and lonely.
@@lindatannock exactly my last 7 years described.
@@lindatannock "Not unless they're willing to go to counselling/therapy for years." !!!!!!!
I think there's a better question here. If your partner displays behaviors that you don't like or that make you feel hurt and the two of you haven't been able to resolve them (voicing boundaries and respecting eachothers boundaries) then marriage might not be a good idea anyway. But I think it's a tricky game to assume your partner is dismissive avoidant also. I've found that a lot of things can show up the same ways in relationships like npd, dismissive avoidant, disorganized avoidant, neurodivergence, etc which is why trying to "fix" a partner is a bad idea. You can't fix something if you don't know what it is and if you've ever been unfortunate enough to mistakenly try to fix someone who was later diagnosed with npd, you know what I mean. Set your boundaries, communicate with your partner, and have respect for them. If huge problems are still coming up, then no, don't get married.
It’s not WEIRD to want space and time to know if you can trust someone
it is. why don’t you ask them and get to know them to BUILD trust instead of retreating into your safe space echo chamber?
That's not why they want space.
@@stxrknight5944 I’d rather do that than be with a person who wants to run my life and ignore boundaries
@@GrubKiller436 are you replying to knight
@@msme2400 No, you.
You sound like a crazy stalker. Like the "Avoidant" choose to ignore me as I broke into there apartment judge. It is all there problem and fault they made me do it judge.. Hey if you come near me or mine you won't need a judge.
Are avoidants typically promiscuous?
I was going to say “yes” but now I am thinking my ex gf was a Covert Narcissist with Avoidant Traits.
Stalkers are weird!!!! Avoidants don’t want to be stalked and badgered by an obsessive asshole.
Duuuuuude. You're right, but you really aren't right at all. What "experience" do you have with these people? You're generalizing from reddit and shit. Stop trying tk speak gospel.
he’s actually spot on idk what you’re on about lol
Again, stop judging and shaming! “They” are people and NOBODY is perfect. How about framing your videos in a more professional, kind and understanding way. These videos are extremely one sided and frankly inaccurate.
Just because *you feel shame* as a result of a video doesn't mean that the video's creator was guilty of actually shaming you.
And dismissing an entire video as "inaccurate" without explaining exactly what or why it is inaccurate is uncompelling to say the least.
uh oh found the unaware avoidant
@@karinpowers1018 I feel no shame at all, but can see shaming a mile away. Not acceptable.
@@stxrknight5944 🤣🤣🤣 you are funny. But wrong. I am a professional. However, to my point, there is no shame in any of the attachment styles.
@@PinkyGalore77 i’m sure you perceive just about anything as shaming
Title says “Avoidants” and you only talk about “Dismissive Avoidants” 👎
I personally like DAs because they are independent & self-sustaining. If you're not a co- dependent parasite, you can do well with them under the right circumstances. Shalom
I really think I'm starting to agree with this view. I've watched tons of attachment style content and been working on healing my disorganized but at no point have I found myself wanting a partner that isn't independent with their own social circle, professional life, dreams, and goals that are independent of me and the relationship. In the past, anxious partners drove me insane for this reason because it feels like they try to make the relationship their only goal and the center of their life and it makes everything feel so unbalanced. Whereas DAs and other disorganized or fearful avoidants have always been more balanced and fulfilling connections for me from the personal space needs on both sides perspective anyway. I think this is an opinion that doesn't get voiced or explored nearly enough
What are the right circumstances?
A mutual effort to work on oneself & expand beyond selfishness ! Shalom
@@gregorystinette8271Even with that, it could take years and years for enough progress. Hard pass for me.
@greg. I thought so too. The issue is that it’s not communicated. I love my own space but when the person withdraws, it’s not communicated. Perhaps they’re varying degrees of DAs..I like my space. And I also like someone to communicate with me and let me know when they want space. Not abruptly go radio silent then resent me when I ask questions. Why can’t it all be communicated? Dated a DA I really liked but bowed out when I realized I was doing all the communicating. Too much work. I like healthy relationships. The person also has to be whole and healthy. Not putting their hands up saying go away like a toddler. Words are great!
Wrong wrong wrong 😂😂😂😂 You’re overthinking something that’s so simple to us😂😂😂 You’ll never understand because you’re not a DA. We are not some formula that can be figured out. Nor is our behavioral quirks uniform. Most likely you are making us avoidant attachment over complicated and causing your target audience confusion and frustration. I’m exhausted with your soliloquy and I’m more certain than not your audience is exhausted with your word salad in attempt to “intellectualize” what you will never understand. Let me save you a brain cell or two and simplify our behavior by informing: We want to see and be around people when want and when we don’t we don’t. There’s no calculated exploration or exploitation. You’re a grifter who needs people to believe you have a solution to sell your one on one coaching and etc. Save your money people cause clearly he has no clue how an avoidant operates. Because he isn’t an avoidant.
i think he mention once that he is an avoidant and secondly, attachment styles and therefore communication skills or needs are deeply rooted in childhood. it would be foolish to think its a simple and non-complex Mechanism. People who are DA mostly like had a path of neglect in early childhood. The Problem are the parents who couldnt meet their needs. And if a patent cant give you what you need, you will feel like no one can ever, but DA have a little hope every time they maybe enter a relationship, to fix that, to receive what they truly want and need. love. Humans are complicated and i understand that you think He is depicting the avoidants as heartless or unworthy of love, but it helps me to understand my DA. it helps me feel less Anger, Frustration or Sadness. Knowing that i didnt cause this rather her parents to act this way, that feels relieving. And the more you understand your Partner, they better he/she can open up and make this relationship work. because everybody deserves love even tho some will make you feel like they dont. they do!
sorry for spelling mistakes
He used to be an avoidant.
But he is a healed DA