@@user-mv9tt4st9k Nah, it's suffering. Let me guess: You're either one of these types of deadbeat family members, OR, you come from a culture where it's expected you work like a dog to support your birth family until they all die or you do. If it's the latter, your cultural tilt has no bearing on the rest of the world and the way they operate. If you're the former? lol go get a job
@@pamelahooper-tr7si you need to be firm with your husband and tell him that he has to fix it. He's clearly letting them push him around. You might ask him why he is making his parents more important to him than you and the kids.
It’s hard to practice though. . Most of us feel an overwhelming obligation to take care of family when they are in need & at times it can be to our own detriment. 😔
@@MsDorcelusI'd love to see the person that is actually trying their hardest and accepting a difficult life while asking you for money. The fact that they asked for money in and of itself is pretty pathetic. In the case of parents I would wonder if they even love you at all. I wouldn't ask my kids for money ever. I'm not sure that even being disabled would change that. The government has programs that help disabled people.
Mothers are famous for giving their married daughters guilt trips. Now it's this guy's mother. He needs to grow a spine and tell his mother that they are not going to communicate unless all guilt tripping and other forms of manipulation permanently stop. Her moving to his area would cause a nightmare that him and his wife don't need.
I recently learned that my mother moved to the city where I live! I just happened to call her, and she informed me she "was here"! She had already moved, no warning, no heads up, no I want you to know what I'm up to! This is her 5th move in 3 years involving 3 cities! We have a very estranged relationship, so I'm not looking forward to the future! She constantly makes stupid mistakes, especially with money! She let herself get scammed out of $500, 550 dollars! 😮 the scammers told her NOT to tell her kids about her $7,000,000 windfall, because they would try to stop her, that she would get from them, AFTER she sent them her $500, 000 and guess what, she did as they told her! This is only one example of a string of stupid financial decisions she has made!
@@ca6177 Mine has been scammed twice before but never for threat amount. I send prayers your peace is protected. I have to reinforce my boundaries with mine as well. I made the mistake of putting her name on a medical credit card I originally was approved for because her credit was low (always was). Now she ran it up with a dental cleaning and forgot when the bill was due and now, I'm paying that off while I'm trying to pay down my student loan and lock in a job. Once this is paid off as well, I'll have to remove her from my card and say she is responsible for her own medical as I haven't used the card for myself in several years. Shes never been good with money, but she loves to pretend to be independent for her own ego but will play the childlike victim anytime she called out. It's actually mentally damaged me as this has been like this since I was a child under her roof. Good luck to you.
As an adult with a 90 year old mother let me explain something to you. You allow yourself feel guilty. Your mother has no ability to do it. You have to get to the point that you remove your emotions or this will be a miserable life.
Simple answer - NO. Your own family comes first. They have to fix their own problems. Their problems are not your problems. You are not helping, you are enabling. Stop it.
12/5/21....SAD that this 34 yr old man's mom + brother are "suckered him" out of his hard-worked-for money! BUT this man's only obligation is to his own self-made family (wife + their young daughter) + his business + himself + their future.....
Dave is addicting and I secretly binge listen to his podcast while I work. However, I wish he'd lighten up on the religious preaching that he often does.
Sounds like mom/family are addicts. Poor guy. It’s so hard to set boundaries with addicts, they will steamroll right though them. My now-passed mom was an addict and I can relate so much.
Parents are notorious for guilting their children for money. It is ridiculous. You make bad financial decisions and expect someone to bail you out. Some friends do the same as well. Waste money and nonsense, then complain they can’t pay their rent or mortgage. You try to give advice about budgeting and they say it’s because you have money and they need help.
Everyone being rude, until you’re in this situation you don’t understand how hard it is to talk about it and ask questions about it, you start to feel bad and feel selfish so he might have been battling his mind in trying to get help and feeling selfish. I’m in the same situation with my family and it’s so hard. You can always skip the video if it bothers you that much.
We do know hard it is. If it were easy, not everyone would develop boundaries and enforce them. Take care of your finances first. Guilt is wasted energy. Say no gently but firmly. Tell them that you love them and take them out to lunch once in a while. Ignore the manipulations.
His problem probably isn't public speaking. He has tough time talking about his family of origin. He feels guilty for his success vs the "needs" of his family of origin. He CAN help, but ultimately giving them money on does that for the moment. I think Dave sensed this and was very patient with him. Thanks Dave!
It can be very difficult to tactfully speak on your family members without disclosing shameful information, yes family can make you feel horrible, because you financially navigated early in life. Image making $300K a year or making 12,000 in 15 days, His mom isn't making 12K a year. You're living in a half million-dollar home and taking trips to Europe, she only asking for $400-$1000. He spends that on the week. Men in general are protectors and providers, we all can assume the money is going to an addiction and His wife on his ass about it. I commend the calling for asking for guidance and direction in the matter. I pray he finds piece in his decision making.
That is the best way to think about a situation where a relative is trying to guilt you to give them money so they can continue to make bad choices. By giving in and handing them money you are paying them to continue their bad choices.
Never mix family and money. Your family is taking advantage of you no matter how much you make. Don't give your mother one more cent! Your responsibility is not to your family financially.
We taught our son that we do not discuss money or the contents of the document safe. People might see that outwardly one is doing well financially, however assuming that he/she has disposable income to throw at someone else's problem is presumptuous.
I am in the same position as this man. Though my mom isnt single. My dad is the only one that works. And my mom who is very healthy refuses to work. So It puts me in the position of being responsible for their emergency finance. She is very focused on "sending money" philippines or fixing our house in the philippines over focusing on her life here. and if there's any emergency here in america, She comes to me for help. It is very frustrating but I also feel guilty not helping. There is this "TOXIC FILIPINO Culture" of kids are supposed to take care of their parents financially and physically, almost like we are their retirement plan and IF we dont help, we are seen as "bad kids" or disrepectful to elders. It is very sad but its true and still struggling about it.
Same here, as an Asian, but I guess I got good parents and parents in law who break their backs working well into their 70s and saving and giving to their children, that not a penny that we give back seems thrown away. If anything, it breaks our hearts we can't do more and wish we got stable sooner so we can be more generous to our family. Like my mother-in-law is in a senior citizen program where they are paid $300 a month for picking up garbage. We asked her to stop and started sending $500, but she still goes to work even though she has bad knees and got knee replacement surgery... just generous, beautiful moms like this make us want to be able to responsible lavish her with nice things and money.
Arab and Muslim parents are the same. I supported my mom (RIP) financially for many years until she passed away, I'm so happy and honored to help my mother. The problem was that she was pushing me to help other family members. I regret wasting my money on these people.
Generosity with family is wonderful - but this young man should not have to deal with such toxicity. It is sad. DO NOT feel guilty - this is your success. It's a tragedy that his family isn't super proud!
Exactly this. I will always help someone in my family who is sick or injured by helping with bills. I won't help however someone who is just lazy or making bad life choices. Paying the bills directly is the best way.
Unfortunately that simply means that any money she gets her hands on will be wasted. We were in Thai situation and they were gambling everything her husband made
Same. Wish this came out a few days ago. Literally the same situation for me, expect I don’t have much left over every month because I’m on the path of getting debt free. SMH to myself!
Kevin O'Leary from Shark Tank has some good advice as well on this subject. Tell them "I'm going to give you this money on the condition you never ask me again". And then never entertain the question again.
I called my local radio station before and my heart was throbbed the entire time I found out I was on the air. It's not unreasonable that many callers may just be nervous, hence some long-winded calls. Please keep that in mind before making rude comments about someone who seems to genuinely want help in a difficult scenario.
"Boundaries" is an awesome book, and very helpful. If my mother was a recovering addict, I would be very, VERY wary of handing them cash. A bag of groceries, maybe pay one month's utility bill (in cash or with a money order in the mail). I definitely would not pay to move them closer to my home. That guilting conversation would be over before it had a chance to get started. Phones have a big red hang up button or a cradle for the handset with good reason.
"Mom, you moving to the same area I live in would be the absolute worst thing for my life and as the person who must live my life, I'm sorry but I simply cannot allow this to happen." As blunt as I am, if I were the caller, that's probably exactly how I would say it.
There's so many parents that have kids in order for them to look after them when their older. Such a sad mindset that is. She should be proud he's doing well and if she didn't ask I'm sure he would treat her now and again.
Dave needed John deloney with him on this call. "Dude, take a breath. I can hear all this in your voice" They take a big deep breath and usually it helps. But yes, this call was painful
If you give family members money, assume you will not get it back. If you decide to do this, do it as a charity. With unreliable people, if you decide to "help" then pay a bill directly, or a purchase directly, and don't give them cash. Disability payments are very low, and disabled people may genuinely need a little help. Dave's example of enabling is right on.
This is genuinely one of my favorite episodes yet, as we have a good man who makes good money and is good with finances, yet morally/ethically has a difficult situation going on and he doesn’t wanna do wrong. It almost seems like a battle with good and evil in which he wants to choose good and avoid the sin but doesn’t know what or maybe how or maybe support behind it with validation and a some conversation . Really good episode I fully enjoyed
When family/friends asks us for money we will give them a job to do for the money. My husband owns his own business that he could pay someone for and we can always use help cleaning the house etc.
@@jimroscovius as long as you can't sell a an obligation, it is by definition a liability. can you sell your mom? if your mom isn't an obligation, why pay her?
@@dr.bradshaw yeah, but these are regular people and not professional speakers. It is what it is. We are so used to sound bites and most information possible within so many characters, we forget this is how regular people talk. But I understand what you mean..
That’s wonderful - and completely different. Your mother (at least from your comment) doesn’t seem to feel entitled to your money. This guy’s mother does.
It sounds like his mom has some kind of previous addiction. If 'my mom has no vices, I'd have a conversation with her and try to get her on a budget. If her income don't meet her bills, I'd help monthly when possible. I had a great mom and wish I still had her to give.
I personally have no problem helping my family as needed and still stay debt free, disciplined and generate wealth. Living and giving like no one else should begin at home. If your single mom is a drug addict put her through a rehab program. If your brother is going through a rough patch in life ask him what you can reasonably do to help him get back on his feet. Charity begins at home.
It’s not his job to do any of that. You clearly don’t have narcissists in your family. If you’ve had to deal with those demons, you won’t be saying this. I used to give my dad £500/month just for the sake of it, buy him expensive clothes, shoes etc out of love, the man still continued being covertly insulting, crossing boundaries daily, calling every single day in spite of me having my own family. My much older 50 year old sister who was an enabler still lives with him. Has achieved nothing in life. My brother who lives close to him in the hope of inheriting property a lawyer just like my older sis has also achieved nothing. He’s 49. Only my immediate older sis and I are doing well because we stayed far from him. This man abandoned us for years as teens to fend for ourselves, yet we forgave him and treated him like a Dad. He still wasn’t happy with that. He wants everything. To be the centre of everyone’s life. He’s mentally I’ll and has damaged those who stayed with him. So when you’re giving an opinion, remember that families are different. You wouldn’t give the same advice to someone who was sexually assaulted by their dad would you?
I'm so glad Dave recommended Henry Cloud's book. Some of the toughest conversations I learned how to have, I was empowered to do based on that book. I've had people react all different ways to a calm, eyes-direct sentence that ended with, "and that is not acceptable to me."
He was born to a woman who neglected him as a child, was an addict and prioritized her addiction. He moved out and moved on - eventually getting wealthy. Now his mother is looking for handouts. She’s on “disability” - but approved to work 20 hours a week and refuses. She wants to move closer to this guy to leach off of him and is guilting him for not paying for her move and housing - even though he said he did buy her a house in the past that she literally burned to the ground. His mom is trash and he doesn’t want to be guilted into being her bank.
I would personally help once or twice, but a third time, I would be reaching out & asking the question, “hey, are you ok? Because this is the third time you’ve asked, I wouldn’t be doing my job in caring about you if I just handed over more money & didn’t take an interest in what was going on , please let me help you get back on track” but I wouldn’t be giving anymore money.
When my dad dying i went out brought him pyjamas , radio Blankets and paid heating bill as when sick needed heating on more. He was 85 however he wd never ask for money in his life. I felt wanted to help. However dad saved loads with mum. God bless and glad did this for respect
Wow you have to ask if you should help your mom. What a world we live in..in your heart you know if she is taking advantage or just needs help. No phone call needed.
My mother is a real estate investor and made so much money but she pretend to be broke just so I can just give her money. I have no idea why she plays these games with me now than ever despite she has $2million in her bank account from her career. Vs me having $110k in my checking and savings. I feel like all she cares about is my money. It's so wierd and heartless. I feel so worthless.
"The definition of help, if you're not an enabler, means the person moves on to the next stage of their personal growth and their life is better as a result of you having assisted." That's very useful stuff
The answer is no- I had to completely block all contact from my mom. She sent me an email that me and my fiance read in wanting to borrow money, which was a sign of trying to use me. She’s (my mom) has never respected me as a person, or son or anything and want to go after me on everything. She even threatened me about the girl who’s my fiance that I’ve taken pictures with on social media, telling me to take them off because of her race. No one else (friends, etc.) don’t have an issue with it. But my mom is super insecure about my appearance, happiness, etc. because she’s not happy about herself. My health is my priority, my soon to be wife and that’s it.
My brother and I talked this over, and we're both moderately wealthy, so it was easy to ensure Mom that she would always have everything she could ever need. And we did! it was easy.
My brother and I discussed long ago how we would take care of our mother as she aged. We need not have worried: After my father died, we discovered that he had set aside a good sum of money and insurance benefits for mom.
Unbelievable how many of these are parents asking their children for money. I would never dream of asking my children for a hand out. They are all doing very well. It’s their money, they earned it.
I would just lie to my mom if she was like that, no reason anyone needs to know if your well off or not, hey can I borrow some money, oh no sorry I wish I could borrow some from you, then you both laugh and move on lol...
While that seems like an easier path it is likely to lead to more issues down the road. One of which is if she is aware that you have money. It's easy to hide wealth from friends and the community. It's much harder to do with a parent. Also, lying is not good for their relationship. He will feel uneasy about it and it will strain his interactions with her. Lastly, it eliminated the opportunity the caller has to help his mom, as Dave described. He can use his money to help her get her life on a better path.
I'm not in the financial situation this guy is in and in fact am living on SS. I have some savings. My sister wasted her money when she had it but she didn't make a lot so her SS check is about half of what mine is and she can't afford to live without help. I'm helping her without feeling that she is a burden. She couldn't live without the extra help. She would work if she could but a physical condition prevents it so I help. Why can't some of these others do the same for their family members.
The best format for these callers is: name, city, situation, question, then from there income and context, then solution. I don’t mind the rambling after the question is asked, but it’s unanimously frustrating listening to rambling without knowing where it’s going.
This is a huge issue in 2023 over the last 25 years there are a lot of parents praying on their children as a retirement fund or a guilt trip It’s terrible And the reason being is because the baby boomer spent all of our grandparents money So they have no retirement So they have no inheritance It’s really sick
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When you have family like that you don't feel good when you succeed. Because they make you feel like you are supposed to suffer with them.
Not so much suffer with them as share the wealth. 🙄
My husband parents are making me and my husband and kids miserable.
@@user-mv9tt4st9k Nah, it's suffering. Let me guess: You're either one of these types of deadbeat family members, OR, you come from a culture where it's expected you work like a dog to support your birth family until they all die or you do. If it's the latter, your cultural tilt has no bearing on the rest of the world and the way they operate. If you're the former? lol go get a job
As a parent, I want my kids to
Do way better than me…
@@pamelahooper-tr7si you need to be firm with your husband and tell him that he has to fix it. He's clearly letting them push him around.
You might ask him why he is making his parents more important to him than you and the kids.
"You are not under moral obligation to take care of them" PREACH!
It’s hard to practice though. . Most of us feel an overwhelming obligation to take care of family when they are in need & at times it can be to our own detriment. 😔
@@MsDorcelusI'd love to see the person that is actually trying their hardest and accepting a difficult life while asking you for money.
The fact that they asked for money in and of itself is pretty pathetic. In the case of parents I would wonder if they even love you at all. I wouldn't ask my kids for money ever.
I'm not sure that even being disabled would change that. The government has programs that help disabled people.
Bro ask the question already 😂💀
Lol
Honestly people love to tell unnecessary details 😂
Straight using his call as a therapy session lol
@@thehandsdown1 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I actually needed to hear the back story because my husband and I are dealing with the same thing. My husband’s family asks constantly for money.
Mothers are famous for giving their married daughters guilt trips. Now it's this guy's mother. He needs to grow a spine and tell his mother that they are not going to communicate unless all guilt tripping and other forms of manipulation permanently stop. Her moving to his area would cause a nightmare that him and his wife don't need.
It's very prevalent in the black community I too was almost looking to it they call them "son husbands" or "sister wives"
I recently learned that my mother moved to the city where I live! I just happened to call her, and she informed me she "was here"! She had already moved, no warning, no heads up, no I want you to know what I'm up to! This is her 5th move in 3 years involving 3 cities! We have a very estranged relationship, so I'm not looking forward to the future! She constantly makes stupid mistakes, especially with money! She let herself get scammed out of $500, 550 dollars! 😮 the scammers told her NOT to tell her kids about her $7,000,000 windfall, because they would try to stop her, that she would get from them, AFTER she sent them her $500, 000 and guess what, she did as they told her! This is only one example of a string of stupid financial decisions she has made!
@@jefftube58 that’s my case
@@ca6177 Mine has been scammed twice before but never for threat amount. I send prayers your peace is protected. I have to reinforce my boundaries with mine as well. I made the mistake of putting her name on a medical credit card I originally was approved for because her credit was low (always was). Now she ran it up with a dental cleaning and forgot when the bill was due and now, I'm paying that off while I'm trying to pay down my student loan and lock in a job. Once this is paid off as well, I'll have to remove her from my card and say she is responsible for her own medical as I haven't used the card for myself in several years. Shes never been good with money, but she loves to pretend to be independent for her own ego but will play the childlike victim anytime she called out. It's actually mentally damaged me as this has been like this since I was a child under her roof. Good luck to you.
As an adult with a 90 year old mother let me explain something to you. You allow yourself feel guilty. Your mother has no ability to do it. You have to get to the point that you remove your emotions or this will be a miserable life.
"Boundaries" covers that. 😊
She is your mom.
This is the problem she will guilt you to the grave 🪦🪦🪦
Simple answer - NO. Your own family comes first. They have to fix their own problems. Their problems are not your problems. You are not helping, you are enabling. Stop it.
💯
12/5/21....SAD that this 34 yr old man's mom + brother are "suckered him" out of his hard-worked-for money!
BUT this man's only obligation is to his own self-made family (wife + their young daughter) + his business + himself + their future.....
Yes! Exactly!
Damn right! This beta simp needs to MAN UP and never ever help grown-ups ever
With his straight no-nonsense advice, Dave is the Dr. Phil of the financial world.
With roughly the same hairstyle!
That's an insult to Dave.
@@hadenanderson563 and "Dr." Phil!
Dr. Phil sucks
Dave is addicting and I secretly binge listen to his podcast while I work. However, I wish he'd lighten up on the religious preaching that he often does.
I like when Dave is solo best.
Same
Sounds like mom/family are addicts. Poor guy. It’s so hard to set boundaries with addicts, they will steamroll right though them. My now-passed mom was an addict and I can relate so much.
❤️
Sounds like my family as well. It's non stop. It's so very frustrating and overwhelming
Parents are notorious for guilting their children for money. It is ridiculous. You make bad financial decisions and expect someone to bail you out.
Some friends do the same as well. Waste money and nonsense, then complain they can’t pay their rent or mortgage. You try to give advice about budgeting and they say it’s because you have money and they need help.
I can honestly say, including MY own, I've never known anyone whose parents "guilted" them for money. Not one person.
@@dyates6380 Speak for yourself buddy. It happens way more than you think.
Let me raise my hand ✋
School in session. My mom's guilt trips are neverending
Everyone being rude, until you’re in this situation you don’t understand how hard it is to talk about it and ask questions about it, you start to feel bad and feel selfish so he might have been battling his mind in trying to get help and feeling selfish. I’m in the same situation with my family and it’s so hard. You can always skip the video if it bothers you that much.
We do know hard it is. If it were easy, not everyone would develop boundaries and enforce them. Take care of your finances first. Guilt is wasted energy. Say no gently but firmly. Tell them that you love them and take them out to lunch once in a while. Ignore the manipulations.
His problem probably isn't public speaking. He has tough time talking about his family of origin. He feels guilty for his success vs the "needs" of his family of origin. He CAN help, but ultimately giving them money on does that for the moment.
I think Dave sensed this and was very patient with him. Thanks Dave!
It can be very difficult to tactfully speak on your family members without disclosing shameful information, yes family can make you feel horrible, because you financially navigated early in life. Image making $300K a year or making 12,000 in 15 days, His mom isn't making 12K a year. You're living in a half million-dollar home and taking trips to Europe, she only asking for $400-$1000. He spends that on the week. Men in general are protectors and providers, we all can assume the money is going to an addiction and His wife on his ass about it. I commend the calling for asking for guidance and direction in the matter. I pray he finds piece in his decision making.
This is emotional blackmail. Period...
That is the best way to think about a situation where a relative is trying to guilt you to give them money so they can continue to make bad choices. By giving in and handing them money you are paying them to continue their bad choices.
Never mix family and money. Your family is taking advantage of you no matter how much you make. Don't give your mother one more cent! Your responsibility is not to your family financially.
You help out when you can when you cant you cant.
We taught our son that we do not discuss money or the contents of the document safe. People might see that outwardly one is doing well financially, however assuming that he/she has disposable income to throw at someone else's problem is presumptuous.
I am in the same position as this man. Though my mom isnt single. My dad is the only one that works. And my mom who is very healthy refuses to work. So It puts me in the position of being responsible for their emergency finance. She is very focused on "sending money" philippines or fixing our house in the philippines over focusing on her life here. and if there's any emergency here in america, She comes to me for help. It is very frustrating but I also feel guilty not helping. There is this "TOXIC FILIPINO Culture" of kids are supposed to take care of their parents financially and physically, almost like we are their retirement plan and IF we dont help, we are seen as "bad kids" or disrepectful to elders. It is very sad but its true and still struggling about it.
Same here, as an Asian, but I guess I got good parents and parents in law who break their backs working well into their 70s and saving and giving to their children, that not a penny that we give back seems thrown away. If anything, it breaks our hearts we can't do more and wish we got stable sooner so we can be more generous to our family. Like my mother-in-law is in a senior citizen program where they are paid $300 a month for picking up garbage. We asked her to stop and started sending $500, but she still goes to work even though she has bad knees and got knee replacement surgery... just generous, beautiful moms like this make us want to be able to responsible lavish her with nice things and money.
I’ve seen this before and so sorry you are going thru. I see this with my Asian friends and Hispanic friends also
Arab and Muslim parents are the same. I supported my mom (RIP) financially for many years until she passed away, I'm so happy and honored to help my mother. The problem was that she was pushing me to help other family members. I regret wasting my money on these people.
If THEY don't treat you like family should, don't treat them like they're your family. It's a two way street.
Generosity with family is wonderful - but this young man should not have to deal with such toxicity. It is sad. DO NOT feel guilty - this is your success. It's a tragedy that his family isn't super proud!
Dave is good. He answered the question that hadn't been asked.
Nothing like a good heartwarming story of a close family.
If he wants to help his Mom, one way would be to pay directly to providers (rent, phone bill, medical bills, etc).
Exactly this. I will always help someone in my family who is sick or injured by helping with bills. I won't help however someone who is just lazy or making bad life choices. Paying the bills directly is the best way.
I'd give her a ride to work, that's bout it
Unfortunately that simply means that any money she gets her hands on will be wasted. We were in Thai situation and they were gambling everything her husband made
Agreed. In cash or via a mailed money order, NEVER with a debit/credit card.
Dave, you have NO IDEA how much I needed to hear this
Same. Wish this came out a few days ago. Literally the same situation for me, expect I don’t have much left over every month because I’m on the path of getting debt free. SMH to myself!
@@Joshua.Carrasco There is a vast difference between EXCEPT and EXPECT. Thanks for the grammatical giggle...
😂 😂 😂
@@majoroldladyakamom6948 thanks mom!
Kevin O'Leary from Shark Tank has some good advice as well on this subject. Tell them "I'm going to give you this money on the condition you never ask me again". And then never entertain the question again.
I called my local radio station before and my heart was throbbed the entire time I found out I was on the air. It's not unreasonable that many callers may just be nervous, hence some long-winded calls. Please keep that in mind before making rude comments about someone who seems to genuinely want help in a difficult scenario.
Throbbing*
True.
*If your family wants you to help them get out of their financial woes tell them to listen to Dave Ramsey!*
"Boundaries" is an awesome book, and very helpful.
If my mother was a recovering addict, I would be very, VERY wary of handing them cash. A bag of groceries, maybe pay one month's utility bill (in cash or with a money order in the mail). I definitely would not pay to move them closer to my home. That guilting conversation would be over before it had a chance to get started. Phones have a big red hang up button or a cradle for the handset with good reason.
"Mom, you moving to the same area I live in would be the absolute worst thing for my life and as the person who must live my life, I'm sorry but I simply cannot allow this to happen." As blunt as I am, if I were the caller, that's probably exactly how I would say it.
My friend goes through this with her older, loser brother. BUT! She hasn't learned to say no.
Dear Callers, GET TO THE POINT!
thank you.
i would like to have your empathy
There's so many parents that have kids in order for them to look after them when their older. Such a sad mindset that is. She should be proud he's doing well and if she didn't ask I'm sure he would treat her now and again.
And they brag to their friends how much their kids support them and compare whose kid gives who more money.
Dave needed John deloney with him on this call. "Dude, take a breath. I can hear all this in your voice"
They take a big deep breath and usually it helps. But yes, this call was painful
I was so fortunate growing up to always be the kid in the relationship with my parents.
This is very difficult to get through. I'm out at the 4:00 mark
If you give family members money, assume you will not get it back. If you decide to do this, do it as a charity. With unreliable people, if you decide to "help"
then pay a bill directly, or a purchase directly, and don't give them cash. Disability payments are very low, and disabled people may genuinely need a little
help. Dave's example of enabling is right on.
🎉
I’ve never seen someone beat around the bush so much 😂 💀
No organized thoughts. No notes. No interest.
This is genuinely one of my favorite episodes yet, as we have a good man who makes good money and is good with finances, yet morally/ethically has a difficult situation going on and he doesn’t wanna do wrong. It almost seems like a battle with good and evil in which he wants to choose good and avoid the sin but doesn’t know what or maybe how or maybe support behind it with validation and a some conversation . Really good episode I fully enjoyed
When family/friends asks us for money we will give them a job to do for the money. My husband owns his own business that he could pay someone for and we can always use help cleaning the house etc.
They don't want THAT kind of money..........
Dave knows how to cut through the bs. I wish this man was my father!
I disagree with some small financial pieces but this encapsulates why I love what you do Dave. Great advice, great resources.
just from the title of the video:
Dave: "SELL THE MOM!"
Make her eat beans and rice!
you can't sell expenses like liabilities. she's not a liability
@@MartinLabuschin Yes, she is a liability.
@@jimroscovius as long as you can't sell a an obligation, it is by definition a liability. can you sell your mom? if your mom isn't an obligation, why pay her?
@@MartinLabuschin Agreed. You can't sell her, but I wouldn't pay her either.
My apologies for being rude, but wow, listening to this call was pure torture.
Torture because you didn't show compassion, or torture because of the situation?
@@ClearwaterBeachBum it’s his incessant, disorganized rambling
@@fkillah I was looking for this comment, that was so exhausting
Give the guy a break it is tough for him to talk about
I would have thought he would be able to articulate his thoughts better too. It was torture agreed.
Narcissistic mother, went through that BS years ago. Set boundaries, if she cannot respect your boundaries then initiate no contact
One word "STOP"!!!! Stop giving any of them money. You are enabling them and are not helping them in the long run.
Kelly, I hope you see this. When screening these calls, PLEASE ask them to get on to their question quickly without rambling on and on.
He runs a business I wonder how he speaks in meetings
I dont mind the rambling. Gives context
@@melanieb2132 The context could be a LOT more limited and still have the same exact question asked.
@@dr.bradshaw yeah, but these are regular people and not professional speakers. It is what it is.
We are so used to sound bites and most information possible within so many characters, we forget this is how regular people talk.
But I understand what you mean..
I believe people enjoy the rambling
I gift my mom money every month out of my heart. I’m glad she’s not an addict or materialistic. She doesn’t ask for it but I know she needs it.
That’s wonderful - and completely different. Your mother (at least from your comment) doesn’t seem to feel entitled to your money. This guy’s mother does.
@@katiejon17 i commented my experience completely understanding that my situation is different. Thank you
That’s what me snd my sibs did . Check went to her account every month from each one of us .
@@kellyprobst3533 ❤
That is a lovely thing to do.
It sounds like his mom has some kind of previous addiction. If 'my mom has no vices, I'd have a conversation with her and try to get her on a budget. If her income don't meet her bills, I'd help monthly when possible. I had a great mom and wish I still had her to give.
❤
I personally have no problem helping my family as needed and still stay debt free, disciplined and generate wealth. Living and giving like no one else should begin at home. If your single mom is a drug addict put her through a rehab program. If your brother is going through a rough patch in life ask him what you can reasonably do to help him get back on his feet. Charity begins at home.
if only life and human were that easy to deal with.
It’s not his job to do any of that. You clearly don’t have narcissists in your family. If you’ve had to deal with those demons, you won’t be saying this. I used to give my dad £500/month just for the sake of it, buy him expensive clothes, shoes etc out of love, the man still continued being covertly insulting, crossing boundaries daily, calling every single day in spite of me having my own family. My much older 50 year old sister who was an enabler still lives with him. Has achieved nothing in life. My brother who lives close to him in the hope of inheriting property a lawyer just like my older sis has also achieved nothing. He’s 49. Only my immediate older sis and I are doing well because we stayed far from him. This man abandoned us for years as teens to fend for ourselves, yet we forgave him and treated him like a Dad. He still wasn’t happy with that. He wants everything. To be the centre of everyone’s life. He’s mentally I’ll and has damaged those who stayed with him. So when you’re giving an opinion, remember that families are different. You wouldn’t give the same advice to someone who was sexually assaulted by their dad would you?
I'm so glad Dave recommended Henry Cloud's book. Some of the toughest conversations I learned how to have, I was empowered to do based on that book. I've had people react all different ways to a calm, eyes-direct sentence that ended with, "and that is not acceptable to me."
I love that book. Required reading for people who feel taken advantage of or manipulated by others.
Five minutes in and I still have no idea what’s going on. 🤷🏻♂️
He was born to a woman who neglected him as a child, was an addict and prioritized her addiction. He moved out and moved on - eventually getting wealthy. Now his mother is looking for handouts. She’s on “disability” - but approved to work 20 hours a week and refuses. She wants to move closer to this guy to leach off of him and is guilting him for not paying for her move and housing - even though he said he did buy her a house in the past that she literally burned to the ground. His mom is trash and he doesn’t want to be guilted into being her bank.
DID HE SAY MAMA BURNED THE HOUSE???!!! YEA I WOULD HESITATE TO GIVE HER MONEY TOO
I would personally help once or twice, but a third time, I would be reaching out & asking the question, “hey, are you ok? Because this is the third time you’ve asked, I wouldn’t be doing my job in caring about you if I just handed over more money & didn’t take an interest in what was going on , please let me help you get back on track”
but I wouldn’t be giving anymore money.
When my dad dying i went out brought him pyjamas , radio Blankets and paid heating bill as when sick needed heating on more. He was 85 however he wd never ask for money in his life. I felt wanted to help. However dad saved loads with mum. God bless and glad did this for respect
Yay I like it when it’s just Dave.
Wow you have to ask if you should help your mom. What a world we live in..in your heart you know if she is taking advantage or just needs help. No phone call needed.
Caller: I have a question Dave.
Dave: Better than I deserve, but sell the car.
I have this same issue leave them out of your house my family is the same way.
My mother is a real estate investor and made so much money but she pretend to be broke just so I can just give her money. I have no idea why she plays these games with me now than ever despite she has $2million in her bank account from her career. Vs me having $110k in my checking and savings. I feel like all she cares about is my money. It's so wierd and heartless. I feel so worthless.
Cut contact and move ahead in life
"The definition of help, if you're not an enabler, means the person moves on to the next stage of their personal growth and their life is better as a result of you having assisted."
That's very useful stuff
The answer is no- I had to completely block all contact from my mom. She sent me an email that me and my fiance read in wanting to borrow money, which was a sign of trying to use me. She’s (my mom) has never respected me as a person, or son or anything and want to go after me on everything. She even threatened me about the girl who’s my fiance that I’ve taken pictures with on social media, telling me to take them off because of her race. No one else (friends, etc.) don’t have an issue with it. But my mom is super insecure about my appearance, happiness, etc. because she’s not happy about herself. My health is my priority, my soon to be wife and that’s it.
No. No is a complete sentence and what I do with MY money, in my life, is none of their business. You can't fix anyone else's life, even with money.
Dave is wonderful at cutting the chase with specific, data driven questions. How much? How long? How often?
I have a sister who makes six figures who is always guilting me for money. Says I owe her. We don’t talk anymore.
Completely agree with Heathy Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud.
That is a great book. We were in the same situation with my husbands family
That was painful
I give my mom money every month since I graduated from college at age 24. She doesn’t need it but makes me feel good.
My brother and I talked this over, and we're both moderately wealthy, so it was easy to ensure Mom that she would always have everything she could ever need. And we did! it was easy.
My brother and I discussed long ago how we would take care of our mother as she aged. We need not have worried: After my father died, we discovered that he had set aside a good sum of money and insurance benefits for mom.
This a great advice thank you Dave!
Unbelievable how many of these are parents asking their children for money. I would never dream of asking my children for a hand out. They are all doing very well. It’s their money, they earned it.
If you don't help your family they will guilt you. If you help they will take you for granted
I assume he's not a public speaker.
This was pretty vague and disorganized
My mother-in-law guilt trips my husband and other family members through using scriptures, but she is very ignorant about how to handle finances.
Everyone giving the caller crap dont have a mom like this. I do and it sucks most of the time.
25000 a month 😳 Nices making that tipe of money family will call ☎️ a lot but if you give a inch they will take a mile
T Y P E of money...😂
@@majoroldladyakamom6948 Now don't type in all caps
So what was the question?
This is FROM BIRTH TO PRESENT
Please collect your thoughts and then call.
Fact remains many people are just not able to handle life. My issue is whether the grown children have the duty to handle their life for them.
I would just lie to my mom if she was like that, no reason anyone needs to know if your well off or not, hey can I borrow some money, oh no sorry I wish I could borrow some from you, then you both laugh and move on lol...
Hey Jeff! Like your vids, especially that one about your teacher catching you playing mario bros on a school day and making you go to class! lol!
@@ryankelsey9646 :) haha yeah lots of people ejnoy the storytime videos Ill have to do more in the future...
When I use to get my student loan money I would give back to my mom but seriously I regret it
While that seems like an easier path it is likely to lead to more issues down the road. One of which is if she is aware that you have money. It's easy to hide wealth from friends and the community. It's much harder to do with a parent. Also, lying is not good for their relationship. He will feel uneasy about it and it will strain his interactions with her. Lastly, it eliminated the opportunity the caller has to help his mom, as Dave described. He can use his money to help her get her life on a better path.
Why can't anyone seem to complete a sentence?
No!….. that is all
I went to get food and when I came back he was still talking
🤣🤣🤣🤣
lol
Sounds like some of my family members. He should just say no or it will never end!!!!
a ridiculous and waste of a call.
Oh my, she wants to MOVE to his town?? She’s setting him up.
If I make 25k a month my mother wudnt have to worry about nothing!…. That’s just me….
Your mom and his mom mite not be the same person.
@Him Bike right people with addiction can't be paid enough. They will send you to the poor house if let them.
Playback speed at 1.5X is perfect for this rambling Randy.
We either get better or worse
There's no such thing as staying the same because we all age
Excellent advice.
I'm not in the financial situation this guy is in and in fact am living on SS. I have some savings. My sister wasted her money when she had it but she didn't make a lot so her SS check is about half of what mine is and she can't afford to live without help. I'm helping her without feeling that she is a burden. She couldn't live without the extra help. She would work if she could but a physical condition prevents it so I help. Why can't some of these others do the same for their family members.
Brutal call just ask the effing question
Very true advice
Whenever I expect someone will ask me for money, I pull out the Reverse Uno card. Never fails.
Power of saying NO.....
Mothers: Travel agents for guilt trips 😄
The best format for these callers is: name, city, situation, question, then from there income and context, then solution. I don’t mind the rambling after the question is asked, but it’s unanimously frustrating listening to rambling without knowing where it’s going.
This is a huge issue in 2023 over the last 25 years there are a lot of parents praying on their children as a retirement fund or a guilt trip
It’s terrible
And the reason being is because the baby boomer spent all of our grandparents money
So they have no retirement
So they have no inheritance
It’s really sick
Dave said PERIODT
Don't give her money to move closer to you!