I'm 23 and My Mom Expects Me To Take Care Of Her Retirement
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- Опубликовано: 7 май 2022
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I began nursing school at the age of 45. Life is not over at 46. Your mother should START saving up for her retirement NOW!
I started nursing school when I was 30 and starting working as a nurse at 32. My career ended with a bang about 14 years later when my RA that had been on a slow simmer since childhood turned into a rolling boil and I could no longer work. From that point I started savings after becoming disabled. While it isn't what most people would think is much, but as of today in our retirement account we have $93K. We are already in SS. I have to make withdrawals every year and use it to pay our propane pre-buy so that is only $3000/year. Trying to keep as much in the account as possible just in case we ou tlive SS.
I got my associate in my 20s, and returned for a BS in my 50s. I've taught people in their 50s who returned for a good paying degree. Your mom brought you into this world, and it was her responsibility to raise you properly to the best of her ability. She is not responsible to support you into adulthood. You must be able to support yourself as an adult, and as she is an adult, she must proudly be able to support her own self. As a retired widow, I never intend to count on my children to support me. I worked hard to get independent, and pray to never need to.
Women who make such a demand of 20 something kids will not stop. I've seen this with friends so I have a long term perspective. Many of these young adults lose the opportunity to marry because women in their 20s don't want this baggage so young. If there is no marriage, there is also no children, no grandchildren. I would tell mom to get a job (and a life of her own).
I'm 41, and I started saving up for retirement at the end of last year.
@@goldengirl5165That should still give you more than 20 years of preparation. 😊
Givers have to know their limits because Takers don’t have any.
Well said! 👏
So true💯
Amen. I'm sending that comments to a giver who's disabled and caring for another disabled family member because non disabled grown children are dumping her care but taking her money.
Perfect
@@maryshaffer5675Sometimes I think that givers may have low self esteem that enjoy/thrive flattering words from the takers.
23 yr old female with a master degree in Cybersecurity is awesome. Can we just pause and give Catlyn a high five 👋!
With a mom that might fight with her over money.
@@ConsidertheCrows To be fair she was smart enough to reach out to Dave..let's just hope she listens.
At least it's not public health administration
@@Stanthemilkman It's in the same league, different story if her bachelor was in computer science.
@@tdgdbs1 what do you mean computer science. I major in computer science and I am currently a Software Developer.
I’ve been taking care of my mother since I was 23. I am 62 now and still taking care of her. It’s been such a miserable trap. I don’t particularly have close relationship with her, but if I don’t take care of her she would be out on the street. Kaitlyn, run if you can! It’s never going to end.
Get her on welfare and get her into a INCOME based apartment..you are to young to be saddled with this
WS your mother nice to you, there a differen e in helping when they are sick because they did it for us, but if she doesn't have money, live below your needs you know,
That was me since I was 19. I’m almost 40 and it has wrecked my relationship with her. I always thought I just have one mom. I’m going to hold in my temper when I really wanted to tell her to grow up , you aren’t disabled. There isn’t any reason why you aren’t driving and taking care of yourself like adults do ! My mom has just acted helpless her entire life when she isn’t disabled or sick etc but she is very manipulative and I would just keep forgiving for sake of argument. Well I am now in therapy and watching a ton of therapy videos to try to heal from her abusive behaviors. Looking back at my life I should have moved to another state and just kept low contact because maybe then I would be able to have some kind of relationship with her but I am so angry at how I alllwed her to abuse me for years. I don’t know how I can mend this relationship. I am planning on moving far away.
Most mandatory relationships are not worth keeping. I realised a long time ago that I have nothing to gain by having a relationship with mother. So, I don’t. I just help with her expenses. I haven’t seen her in almost 7 years. She’s 82. If I don’t help out, no one would. That’s my curse I suppose. She’s been “dying” since she was 40. I’ve avoided committed relationships with women because of this. I consider all relationships to be a burden. And I suppose I attract needy women. I would say cut and Run. Nothing good will ever come out of poisonous relationships.
@@yvonne6629 Doesn't make a difference. The parent child relationship is not transactional. You do for your children what you can even if YOU choose to make sacrifices. No child is responsible for their parent. My father told me that and I've said the same to my children.
Her mother knows she has a responsible daughter and is guilting her into taking care of her.
Eeeeeeeeactlyyy!! 🎯
It's greedy gross and sad.
Yep . I have one just like her mother .
This happened to a co-worker of mine. Her mother brow-beat her into buying her just about everything. She became extremely resentful of her mother. Speak up now!
Soon the siblings will be bugging her for money!!!
"I'm the one that made it out", tells us everything we need to know. Her whole family will be coming around with their hand out. All members of the family need to go to Dave's financial class.
Those people who try to guilt you into giving them money by saying how "lucky" you are to have a well-paying job. Ignoring the fact you worked hard to gain your knowledge, and you work hard at your job to make your money. NO to moochers.
More then that, she needs to keep them at arms reach.
👍🏽
@@buffymcmuffin5361 No, you are lucky that your chosen field pays well. It's not about "working hard" does an actor who make a million dollars in episode on a sitcom work harder than a roofer who works up on on a house in 100 degree heat nailing down shingles?
@@brockreynolds870 It's not about luck. I chose a field that is in demand, and employers would pay a decent wage for. There's a reason why there's a term "Starving Artist" and not similar terms for Plumbers, Electricians and Carpenters - they don't starve because their skills are in demand.
I lept from my seat when I heard the mother is 46 years old! I expected a 70 year old or 80 year old to talk this way, but 46? What a narcissist!
Irresponsible first. Had a kid as a teen.
The 46 yr old Mom was getting her bid in early.
@@dcg590Where did you get teen mom? It's simple math. The mother was 23 when she birthed the caller, Kaitlyn.
@@dcg590you and your comment likers need to pay more attention to Dave because you can’t do elementary arithmetic
@@dcg590 46 - 23 = 23. Mom wasn't a teen when she had kid.
My mom is 72 and hasn’t saved anything. I’m 50 and supporting her. It’s created a lot of stress both personally and on my marriage.
😢
Yeah I couldn’t marry a woman in that situation.
I'm 40 and supporting my 75 year old mother. I'm not married but its terribly stressful for me too. She retired with only 8k in savings and went totally through that in the first few years of her retirement. A few years ago someone said to me "do you still live with your mom"?. I said no, she lives with me. I pay almost all the bills!
@@amydaisy933 Find a low income retirement apartment for her to apply for as soon as she qualifies. There are some in most areas. My mom lives in one in Cullman, AL. It is very nice & she has some older ladies as friends & seems happy there.
She took care of you when you were a baby. Be grateful and take care of your Mom
People need to stop treating their children as pensions. If that is the solely reason you want to have kids, your absolutely doing it for the wrong reasons.
I think it’s more like seeing them as plan b. I know plenty of mothers who had good intentions but didn’t have follow through, and saw their own kids as a backup plan for their failure. Sad
Many of Dave followers here say they sacrificed to have them and deserve it.
If she is Asian then it is actually expected for children to take care of their parents. But not at 46.
It's like raising a calf just to slaughter it for beef.
But I bet the mom payed for the kids school and that’s why she has no retirement
My father stated when I was 16 that I could help my mother make household bills because he didn't want to pay any more child support. He had gotten himself a new family by then. Now he is on Medicaid in a nursing home and telling me that I need to sell my farm so I can provide him with a place to live. Not happening.
😲😳
His new family can buy him a home. LOL
This must be a joke!
OMG! That is horrendous!
tell him to F-- OFF parents that where not good parents expect a handout
This happens A LOT in the Black American community. I PRAY that this young woman who has worked so hard to make it out, that she sets Boundaries and perhaps even move away , out of state, like FAR! And begin to LEARN how to set boundaries and set her on financial goals. It so sad when young children fall for a guilt trips that are sure to come. This caller is Black American and I’m so proud that she’s done the work.
EXACTLY! There is a cultural aspect that needed to be addressed. It’s not even just financial, many black parents expect their kids to be their caregivers when they’re old and have lost limbs from years of uncontrolled diabetes. I see this every single day. They neglect their health AND their finances their whole life, then end up a burden on their children. I swear, some black folks only have children because of what the child will do for them in the future. It’s disgusting and it needs to be addressed. I’m sick of old people asking me “who is gonna take care of you when you’re old” because I don’t have kids yet. There’s So much narcissistic manipulation, guilt tripping and gaslighting in my community! It’s embarrassing!
Late to the party but this is 100% true! My grandmother straight up told my mom when she was younger that the only reason she had three kids was so that they can take care of her when she’s older. Now 2 out of the 3 don’t even talk to her and my mom is the only one who still has a relationship with her.
Absolutely agreed!! That’s the first thing parents say, and use the Bible to back up, their foolishness
@@dewilew2137If it’s cultural then I think it has more to do with socioeconomic class than race. I’m black and American and I have mostly seen it the other way around where the black parents are supporting adult children who refuse to grow up and take responsibility. I have several sets of cousins who will quit a job on a whim because they know their parents will bail them out financially. I have seen my relatives pay their adult kids’ rent, buy them vehicles, repair vehicles they wrecked or didn’t take care of or let someone else drive. I have seen them pay thousands in attorneys fees after their kids got a DUI or some other arrest. One of my 2nd cousins refuses to get a job that offers insurance so his parents feel like they can’t retire although they have had cancer because they need to pay for his coverage. He couldn’t care less because he is pursuing this imaginary music career that he dropped out of college for when his parents were paying for it. My family has been mostly middle class for generations and so are more of the black families I grew up around. so it wasn’t a matter of “making it out” of anything but a matter of not making their kids work for much. I think perhaps people who grow up in poverty don’t realize the pitfalls of overindulgence with children is just as negative as parents stealing their kid’s childhood and mooching off of them. My worry is that when my relatives die their children won’t be able to function because they don’t know how to do anything for themselves. My bff told me she already knows when her parents die she is going to have to support her brother. I might be in the same predicament because my brother is content in a deadend job.
Definitely wrong way to use the Bible! @@miraclemorris2995
My mother told me this same expectation when I was a senior in high school. I joined the Navy. I refused. At 36 I went no contact. She’s locked into sickening patterns and I can’t be sick with her anymore. Dave nailed it about “Planning to Fail”. There is no fixing her. Her only goal in life is to be a victim and achieve a rescue. I’m out. I don’t accept that assignment.
I learned that last year with my own dad. Sucks but what can you do.
@@Sam-gc9yp QUIT
Good for you, you found your legitimate boundaries far earlier than I did.
@@Sam-gc9yp nothing. Somebody along this journey of disappointment anger and grief told me: We have the right to live our lives badly if we want. That is true. They are free people who can live however they want. I have to let them and go live mine. Discovering Stoicism and deep diving into that helped a lot. Marcus Aurelius meditations is very good.
I am 60 and I am here to tell you: YOU are CORRECT.
I know the feeling of being the one that ‘made it out’. But trust me you haven’t ‘made it out’ until you’re financially independent.
Uh uh, no. 46 year old mother is still young enough to be able to retire herself. I mean if she was physically incapable of moving then of course! But a well able woman? Nope.
It's exasperating. I think it is happening more and more often.
If she's incapable of moving still no...
Yup happy mother’s day to only mother’s that weren’t a pain
@@andrew8168 nah, I would help in that case. But a capable person, no way.
Agree! She still has 20 years to invest.. she can retire with 500k if she invests well.
One hard lesson I've learned: Don't do for others that they wouldn't do for themselves or you.
This is so true.
That should be on a T-shirt.
That’s straight wisdom
That sounds nice, but that isn't the Christian way. Rise above, treat people better than they could ever treat you.
"Don't do for others that they wouldn't do for themselves or you." - Jesus Christ
We have the same name, and we spell it the same way! It’s so rare to meet another Krystle. Were you also named after the Dynasty character, Krystle Carrington? Also, your comment is 100% truth!
It’s sad that her mother is guilting and manipulating her and she doesn’t even see it. Baby girl PLEASE do not end up taking care of your mom and your entire family because if you don’t set boundaries now, they will ALL view you as their meal ticket.
Agreed. I have experienced what she’s going through and basically my family sees me as their backup when they mismanage their money. They want my money but not my advice for how to change their situation.
are you sure? my parents expect me to take care of them too.
💯
💯
The caller said that she loves her mother and wants to do this so don't project your own experience on her. Nobody is guilting and manipulating her.
Congratulations to this young lady. I hope she doesn’t let her family drag her down just because she’s doing well.
This is why I had to cut my family off to be able to succeed because when I am around them they are all about negativity and drag you to the pits.
@@Tashas_Travels me too
I pray that for her, agreed. Praying that they won't pull her down for doing well in life and that she can have peace and be able to love her husband and take care of her kids while excelling for herself, in Jesus name.
My family ruined my life, is trying to ruin my marriage, and left me homeless
Her mom sounds just like my Korean in-laws. Their mentality is like, I gave you life, you owe me your life til i die. We were their retirement plan. I told my husband its me or them. He wisely chose me.
I think the opposite is true. They forced life on their children. That includes all the pain and sorrow that comes with all the good and pleasurable elements of life. Therefore, they owe you everything. They made a choice for their children that their children had no say in. Parents owe their children everything, not vice versa.
This is a good example of different culture though, which is what Dave mentioned. It’s very common is East Asian culture to take care and provide for the parents. A majority of East Asians say they would save their mother from a burning building before they’d save their own spouse or child.
So sad because I have money and I'm sure my kids want it when I'm gone. Why does everything have to be transactional.
Well in their home country there are no safety nets which is why children are expected to care for their parents. They brought that garbage to this country. There are plenty of ways to prepare for retirement here.
@@jacquelineglitter4328 bc money doesn't grow on trees.
I was making about what your mom makes (as a secretary), but when I was her age I still had a 7 year old, a 9 year old, and a 14 year old at home. I didn’t have much to put away, but had my employer take out 10% of my check for my 401K. I worked about a year past retirement age (but started collecting SS at 66), and was able to retire comfortably enough. We were debt free when I retired, and we live on Social Security. I have a nice retirement account that has yet to be touched after 3+ years. You can start “late”, and still save enough for retirement. We’re not taking trips or being extravagant, but we’re happy. I wouldn’t dream of asking any of my children for money!
I started saving late as well, my biggest money sucker was the man I divorced, so I got a late start. Things sure got better afterward. I have always tried to save 10% of my income, and it was often hard. I used the first 401K to divorce him. A GREAT investment. I have never expected to be the one to retire with a million dollars, but have money stashed and get an anuity, a small retirement, and SS, so I'm stable. Is it worth working and saving for 50 years? Absolutely.
The key is ‘we’. I’m guessing your hubby got it done…..??
And **THANK YOU** for the encouragement on our late but not dead to our retirement.
@@GORT70 He was self employed (very small business) so my job provided insurance, and I was the only one with a retirement account. The reason we live as well as we do is we make do with what we have, don’t eat out, and we’re each quite capable of doing home repairs and improvements.
Your experience is not everybody's experience.
My mother has never worked. Married my father when she was 19, became a widow when she was 25, her life goal was to stay at home and never work. Since my father died she has relied on other people to give her money: boyfriends, family and from the past 10-12 years, my siblings and I. It really hurts to say it because she is my mother but I resent her. Not only was she absent at times when we were in school because she was out with her boyfriends but now that she is older (in her 50s) she has become a burden. It's an extremely difficult situation and even more when they try to make you feel guilty.
I'm so sorry you're living that reality. Couldn't even think of becoming a burden to my kids! That is awful. Sending warm thoughts.
@@AnnaRamstrom Thank you
@@kirapoodleyou can get out of that believe me, especially if she wasn't there for you
Time to tell her you can’t give money anymore. She can get a job. 25 years of mooching has just come to an end.
My mom has done that to me my entire life. I pretty much have helped her with a ton of things ever since I was 19 from driving her to grocery stores weekly , to the bank , dr appointments , get her meds , I paid her rent when she was about to get kicked out and be homeless ( bc she gave some man thousands of dollars that he wouldn’t not pay back ) and the list goes on. My mom was never disabled or sick. She was perfectly able to drive herself like an adult ! It has wrecked our relationship and right now I am very low contact and plan on moving away. I have been used and abused way too long with silent treatments and guilt trips and I have had it.
My daughter got her bachelors degree and started working toward her Masters when she passed away. I was and is always will be proud of what she accomplished. I never expected her to take care of me.
so very sorry for your loss. You definitely should be proud for everything she experiences and achieved in her lifetime. Big hug to you.
Your mother is responsible for herself.
46 is still young enough to save for retirement!!!
My parents weren't able to save up a lot for retirement due to putting my sister and I through college. They have been the best parents and worked hard before and after coming to the US.
They never asked me to take care of them for retirement but I just wanna return the favor they did to my life. 😊
You are a good child of your parents. God bless you and multiply everything you do for her .
Thats nice. Some people grew up in dysfunction with parents, maybe they were abusive and showed little to no interest in their kids life. Not everyone will feel like you do it depends on the relationship they had with their parents.
I really think it's admirable when a person grows up in an abusive environment and helps their parents anyway.
I doubt this woman was able to pay for her daughter’s college.
yeah but the mother in this vid is 46. I'm 44 and I'm able and capable. I could work until 60 or 70. Also I watch dave ramsey and it's never too late to put 10 percent in the vanguard 500. She still has 20 years to do that. Every human being is responsible for themselves. Children are not insurance policies. This is bad behaviour
Good for you.
I went no contact with my mother a year ago. I am a 55 year old woman who left home at 17. By God's grace I have NEVER been homeless. I have a heart condition - since 2016- my mother was slowly killing me! I chose me.❤
My father did this same thing to me 10 years ago when I was her age. Now he's 63, still hasn't saved anything for retirement, and it has become a huge contention between us that I'm not going to provide for his retirement. She definitely needs to nip this right now.
He is not loving you by using you like a personal servant instead of his child. Maybe you should then demand he make you his financial trustee and legal guardian then you are in control of his finances, where he lives, etc. See if he still wants you to take over.
What a shame, I tried to give my parents money to help with lawyer fees for issues they were having and they wouldn't hear it at all. Kept trying to push it on them until my mother started crying and got mad at me because she was so upset. Parents shouldn't expect things from their kids, kids should expect help from their parents. Unless there is a medical condition stopping them from working of course.
Mine never bothered either and now has dementia so I am lumbered in the toxic burden and there is no inheritance or property and I am isolated
My dad is 61 and crying that he can't buy a $3000 laptop. He has NOTHING saved or invested. He keeps buying TOYS. Oh my God. Someone spank these boomers.
Did you sign him up for Dave s course and go with him?
My mother worked 70 hours per week and gave up everything to raise me and my brother, put us in private school, she didnt date, never remarried and did a great job. She doesnt have much for retirement. Me and my brother were the 1st people in our family to graduate from college. We are both doing very well for ourselves, my mom will never see the inside of a nursing home or eat cat food. I would not be where i am if it werent for her. I will be a millionaire by the time im 40.
❤👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿
I started my retirement at 35. Yes, it's late but I feel much better that I at least started before I'm too close to my 60s. I hope the mother takes responsibility for herself.
You will get there!
It’s a lot better than starting at 40! Go get ‘em! You got this!
@@r.douglas238 Or 42! 😳🙋🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️
@@LDM805 It's never too late. Keep at it!
Oh you goood!
Some people get children for the purpouse of having somebody to take care of them when they get old
Sad. Really pathetic. I do know people like that. They intentionally expect children to be their lifetime friend when they haven't provided for themselves, feeling entitled to emotional and financial support as an expectation.
That really hasn’t happened for years Kids haven’t taken care of their parents for decades
@@judyperri9496 some parents believe it will happen though! You are correct, they are usually disappointed.
@@judyperri9496 according to whom?
@@batkat0 Well let’s see I worked in healthcare for 30 years and saw older patients neglected by family Oh and if that’s not enough STATISTICS 🤡
I just turned 50 & have been emotionally supporting my Mother since about age 6 & financially supporting her since age 16. She doted on my brothers, gave them all her time, love, care & resources $$ & really set them up for successes... me not so much. God helped me & made me successful.
Fast fwd to today: my brothers are married w kids while I'm 50 & unmarried & funding my 71yr old Mother's high end lifestyle while she remains an abusive, narcissistic victim... I'm praying & taking babysteps to get my brothers more engaged & at least take 1 step back so that the pressure can be relieved & I can focus on myself & have my own family.
It's a work in progress... it sucks.
Heads up to all the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers out there... be careful!!
It’s gunna cripple you if it ain’t already, cause your siblings have family doesn’t mean it falls on you, id get out, seems shit to say but you wont have much of a life left
Ma’am, leave your mother alone! Don’t worry, your brothers will be forced to pick up their slack
I have a coworker who talks like that. She’s in her 50’s now but has always talked about having her kids buy her the cars she wants and taking care of her when she decides to retire. I just listen and shake my head. Those poor kids!
Heck the most infamous of all was the mother of that famous basketball player. Not into sports and can't think of his name.
She demanded what she wanted soon as her son signed the contracts long before retirement age.
I fell in this trap, supported my mother, to my detriment for 30 years.
Yes me too.. she didn t give me much choices
Made this mistake when I started my business. Some of my family began to stress me out. I was paying bills out of guilt. I was always reminded how I came as an immigrant and should give back. No one talks about how hard I worked as a single parent after my divorce in the Army.
I recently took advantage of my Army benefits and just graduated from a Cybersecurity bootcamp. Still make great money in my business and was offered a remote position. This time I said nothing to my family. Lucky for me, I'm in my 30s married & invested well in real estate. I learned from the mistakes I made in my 20s.
good for you❤well deserved!
Unfortunately, this is very common in this sandwich generation. Parents are expecting their kids to take care of them while their kids also take care of their own.
This is why I tell my friends, when you get the chance, move as far away as possible
Yes it is . I am in my 40s and some of us were also guilted into this starting in our 20s
Huh, since when is it common that kids take care of their own? The average age of those who move out from home is increasing every year, and it was long before the excuse of corona and rising rent and everyone having anxiety now.
A lot of single mothers
This is a good argument for abortions and I'm pro-life.
I'm an 85year old mother of three, a retired legal secretary who never made the big bucks, worked until I was 72, and have never in my life asked any of my kids for a single thing and never will. I take care of myself, live alone, handle my affairs, and like it that way.
I would NEVER put the burden of "taking care" of me onto my son! He is not responsible for me when I am older whatsoever! Ugh some people thinking their kids owe them is ridiculous!
I take joy in knowing that my kids are living their lives free and clear. I'd rather be dead than to live off of my kids. Seriously.
@@reggiebenson9172 you're a good parent
That's why having children makes no sense.
I think we should take care of our parents when they’re disabled, but to put this much weight on your child when you can do it yourself is called lazy. People like this was never an adult by heart.
@@NoneYa-pg6dk Yes, you're right.
This girl is lucky to find out that now. My mother and sister moved in witj me when I was able to buy a house at 24 and my parents were divorced and they had no where to go. She had time to get a full time job and work a full time job until retirement but refused to. I had to sell the house move and put them out when they went too far taking advantage of my kindness. Don't let it go that far. Mom needs to take responsibility for herself and learn to do it better on her own. It's unfair to you to feel obligated to take care of her.
Their advice is right on. Don't get trapped
Sometimes one has to do what they have to do. Boundaries are important. It's unhealthy to enable bad behavior.
I can’t even imagine putting this responsibility onto my child. Totally inappropriate and unfair! The child’s future family comes first and they don’t know yet what family commitments they might end up with!
In my experience when lower class people have a kid that they realize will be successful they just see them as a ticket out. If they are supportive its no longer from a place of unconditional love but from selfish place where they hope you will fix their life for them. This persons parents kept their agenda til she was 23, many parents let their kids know exactly what they expect much earlier.
That's very thoughtful of you . Some parents feel like it's what they are owed .
I am 48 and have a 16 year old daughter. I am trying to help her do the right career and financial choices so that she does not become a liability later in life. At the same time I would hate it to want to depend on her or any other of my kids financially when I retire. I even feel ashamed that I do not have enough assets to hand down when I pass on.
Low income= she’s a single mother and I can guarantee poc. They think everyone owes them something. It’s a terrible cycle and they use their children as their retirement
I would live out of my car before putting that expectation on my kid.
I'm 48 and out here hustling. I never had a child which is very different, but still. My Mom was like this, already talking about being taken care of in her 40s. By about 52, she just went on disability and stopped doing anything. This young woman is lucky, however, for being smart enough and having had the opportunity to already have a master's in a lucrative career by 23.
My mom asked me to help her buy a home when I was 12. Imagine putting that on a child. Needless to say she is out of my life for good.
Good golly...can't even imagine.
I know the feel man. Some people just ain't really fit to be parents. I was raised by my stepmom. My mom and dad never got along ever, and my dad had custody but was always working and my mom married and moved to a different state when I was young and then moved back and I really hold alot of resentment towards my parents. I love them, always will but I'm not close with either of them. More close with my stepmom still to this day. Since I was 17 I've done everything completely on my own. Made mistakes and learned alot got to travel the world when I was in the military and have turned out rather successful if I say so myself. Esp considering I've never in my adult years have ever had help from my parents. My wife is a couple years older than me and she's extremely close with her dad and her step mom and her mom when she was alive and I've always been envious of that bc I've never really had that and it kinda made me who I am, but it is what it is
I approve!!! some people don't deserve to be parents
Just let Mom know you're alive and well-even if u do without trackable media.
Kaitlyn, Please do not let your mother run your financial life. This is unhealthy for both of you. Don’t do anything against your own best interest. Your mother needs to preserve her own dignity. Best wishes.
I'm in my 70's, retired to my wooded acreage at 68 and my son (only child and married), will be 52 this year. I've always been independent, and it sometimes irks him that I don't ask for much help (usually, it's regarding something that requires more upper body strength than I have, as I'm 5'2" and he's 6'4"). I made sure I'm debt free (so are they) and don't need financial support. I never had the mindset that my son would need to support me in my retirement and to think like that at age 46, means that her mom needs to get her head on straight and get her rear in gear.
Your son is willing to do anything for you though. Maybe because you never ask for anything.
Greatest dad type here, hurray!
Amen, I agree.
Let him help. It irks me too when my wife won't ask me to help her. Be AWARE of what you can't do now or is dangerous for you to do. Best gift you can give him is an unbroken hip.
Amen. And respect.
To the caller please learn to set boundaries, even if it hurts other people. Please listen to this segment again and again when you are having a hard time setting those boundaries. I highly recommend a book called How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty by Patti Breitman. Good luck to you and congratulations on graduation!
What's funny is the ones doing the guilting have no empathy for the people they hurt with their guilt trips. That's because they're ok with manipulation.
@@lynnebucher6537 you're completely right. It's really sad. It's a lot of pressure for a 23 year old trying to make her way.
Thank you for the book recommendation..I have read boundaries many times but am buying the one you mentioned right now as I think it will cover the emotional guilt trip issue better
@@elyse3332 you are very welcome. I've read it myself several times and purchased it for others. I hope you will find it as helpful as I have. Take care!
Another good book is “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life” by
Cloud and Townsend
I'm thankful for this video. It's very validating and eye-opening on how to navigate these circumstances. My mother told me the same thing. My husband also said the same as Ramsey, "No."
He saved you and your marriage.
My 67yo mother has no savings, nothing in retirement, nothing in social security... So far she has depended on the generosity of family members. She works here and there but doesn't make enough to sustain a living. When I asked her years ago what were her plans for retirement or for when she's too old to work, she just says "God will help me"
Meanwhile, I was working and paying our rent and begged her to get a job to help me out, and she refused, and when I asked her why, she said "I just don't want to work at this point of my life"
I moved out because I was assuming the role of being her parent and our relationship improved when I was no longer there to "be her mother". I'm still worried about her future though...
By "God" she meant "you" and anyone else she can manipulate. Escape velocity, my friend ...
My MiL said she would die at age 70. She’s still alive at age 81 and has managed to not work a day of her life
@@BusArch42WOW, you really have to vet these moms before getting married 😢
@@monicapearson2264 I was way too naive unfortunately. Then again so was my husband. I have made sure my kids are more aware.
I am 45 this year, I couldn't imagine saying this to my daughter 🤦🏾♀️
It’s not fair to bring children into this world, then expect them to pay for you to live. Mama gotta figure it out.
yeah, they never asked to be in this world and these parents need to stop treating them as a pension.
Tell all the feminists that. They use children for tax breaks, child support, and house. Get rid of the laws that support this type of enabling.
I bet the mom payed for her schooling and that’s why she’s broke. I’ve seen it so many times, kids should pay their own school so the parents can build their retirement unless their rich or well off
@@edb484 Or not push their children to go to college and have some serious talk about who is to cover for the tuition from the start. If these parents don't want to deal with the debt, its their fault for bring a child to this capitalist world who never asked to be here.
That’s the whole point of having children, tho….? Why would I bother taking care of those little demons if I’m not gonna get something out of it at the end?
I feel for this caller! Sounds like this mother is putting some extreme emotional guilt on this young lady! Good luck to her!
This sounds like a classic case of the black tax. Older generations just expecting their children to pay for their retirement
And whats the problem with that it’s literally his mom
What's wrong, is that a parent is supposed to be responsible. Be a blessing to your children, not a burden. Be their wise elder, set a good example.
Oh trust me my friend.. this horrible guilt tripping has no racial boundary. I have vowed NEVER to put my daughter through this even though my mother put me through, still putting me through it. I am 62, worked 55 years, now on disability and have been taking care of my 80 year old mother since I was in my late teens. It becomes a way of life for the child, because they are raised to be obligated to take care of the parent.. it's terrible.
@@forgottenmma3694 As a father, I would rather delete myself than financially cripple my children. My job is to set them up for the best life possible...not to enslave them.
Next caller: Hi Dave I'm 46, how quickly do I get my kid to provide for my retirement ?
Very common. A former friend mother quit working just so her daughter could take care of her. Then often tells her daughter the most horrible things to keep her confidence low and in the house. She's close to 40 now. Still home. Still pays most of the bills. So sad.
That's gaslighting and codependency... :/
@@evangelle82 I tried to help her move out but that mental hold is strong.
This is my Sister-in-law and Mother-in-law too. My Sister-in-law is never going to have her own family because of her misbehaving Mother.
@evangelle82 I know. I tried to tell her to speak to a therapist, but she was too far gone.
@@bearlycountry2406 Same. However, I think my sis will change up once she finds her husband.
46 yrs old still has plenty of time to save for retirement
Plenty of time to save.
Don't know about retirement with her mindset after planning this for over 20 years.
She is definitely going to have to limit her conversation with her mother about the way that her life is taking shape. Mom is an opportunist.
And a manipulative user. Parasite.
Okay listen up Parents…outside of a medical situation…your kids are NOT YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN! That type of thought process is not ok!!
The caller is a rock star. WOW!
The mother should be so proud of her for what she has accomplished and where she is headed to let her fly from the nest with such pride and love her unconditionally. No reason to put this manipulation into play.
@Freethinker Sure it is as she is proposing to be 100% dependent through manipulation. She can do both but yea she needs to let her daughter fly without needy Mother tying her wings. That IS love.
@@JustinCase780 Yes but is the answer for this young lady to just let her mother die by not taking care of her???
I had exactly the same kind of mother and she never changed and I walked away from the abuse and began living my life for the better. My mother was lazy and entitled and put non stop guilt trips on me all of my life and I had to go no contact with her. She has Narcissistic Personality Disorder so it comes with the victim mindset she always had. I’m free from all that and you should be too!
My dad is 83 and still working 😢. Just quick back ground. Took him a while to get his citizenship and my mom was on drug for over a decade and there was several children. Household was in shambles but I made it through college and glad I found Dave. I appreciate my parents telling me not to worry about them and just save my money. I don’t have much now but I think I found Dave just in time to make a change.
Some mothers are like that. They use the kids to live off. When the child grows up if he or she does well the mother expects the child to take care of them. Shameful
This is just a sad call, I feel so bad for this caller. So glad my parents were hard workers with lots of financial sense. They have planned well and set a good example for myself and my kids.
Realistically, she makes $30k, so she won't be able to save enough to retire comfortably in 20 years without social security. That said, she needs some sort of plan to at least try.
I see comments on various cultures. Just to point out that even within a culture there are different types of parents. I’m an Asian American in my 50’s, in my circle of Asian friends we all make sure our kids come out of college debt free and none of us expect a dime from our kids. And of course I see some Asian parents guilt tripping their kids. There is variety in every culture.
What you are doing is a wonderful service to your children. Not only will it improve their financial future, but also the quality of their marriages.
I truly do not think it is a culture thing. It is a character thing. These guilt tripping narcissistic parents are not of any particular color, religion or culture.. they are people who are selfish and reckless.. they are perpetual victims who expect everyone around them to foot the bill. I know because I am a middle class white woman who has been raised to take care of my mother - and resentfully has done that for 50 years... IT IS ABUSE at it's finest.
Dave is 100% right! How I would LOVE to see the look on the Mother's face while listening to this.
Glad Dave mentioned the future relationship issues that will arise from this baggage. Unfortunately I seen to many women get stuck taking care of their parents forever
Congratulations to this young woman. She is going places for sure. I hope she’s able to set boundaries and I wish her mother well too.
I’m in that boat myself. She raised me to have no boundaries with her. She is hating that I’ve learned boundaries including her. We help but we don’t pacifi.
Mother needs to exhaust all options and put in 100% effort first, if retirement falls short the daughter can help if she wants to. I'm sure this daughter has broken the chain of generational poor choices, kudos' to her.
Wow! Thank you Dave! I am faced with this same dilemma and have been praying for clarity.
My mom has been telling me since high school I better get a good job so I can one day take care of her. She is now 65 and on disability. I am 35 with a very large family of my own. A few weeks ago she asked if she could move in with me. I don’t have the space or money to take care of her. Also, my hubby not too thrilled with the idea of it. He laughed when I mentioned it. If it was just myself I would do it but I think it puts too much pressure on myself and takes away from my family.
I don’t know what to do with her. She can’t pay her bills, her social security isn’t enough. She gets some aide but needs to apply for more programs. A huge part of me knows it’s not my responsibility. She has never made much, she was a stay at home mom, later in life worked PT and my step dad that use to do so much passed away a few months ago. I don’t see any real helpful solutions. I don’t want to leave her hanging but I know she is not my responsibility.
What do I do?
She can be put in an assisted living home. Her disability payment plus Medicaid long term care will cover the monthly rent for the assisted living facility. That's it then. You do or pay for nothing.
Be real with her and let her know mom I love you but I have my own family to take care of you can’t live with me.
This is very common in a Filipino culture as well. It is pretty sad. You can hear a 23 year old parent telling her 6 year old child to work hard because he is the hope of the family. It is a big pressure on a child. I myself have supported my family since 2008 and it is hard. I didn't know any better and thought because I was the one who "made it out" first, it was my "responsibility" to support the rest of the family. When I realized it, I started to put boundaries on what I can help with and it has made a big difference for me. With that said, it is very nice of The Ramsey Show to give FPU classes for both of them for free. Financial Education is an eye-opener and will help them both learn not only how to support themselves but it will empower them to make good financial decisions.
Ohh I've been having this conversation with my parents for a decade; I am 35 now. They have no retirement or savings have about 70k equity in a house but both talk divorce. Mother gets about 500/month in ss and expects more than father to live off of us kids- I feel the expectation is more on me bc I am the youngest and a nurse so "should" be the one to take care of them. Seeing how difficult it is to take care of patients with debilitating diseases shows me how unrealistic it would be to raise a family, work, and take care of parents. My mother currently spends her money traveling all year visiting relatives and as Dave says is the queen of guilt trips.
Dave got right to the issue!!! This is generational and she needs to make some hard choices if she doesnt want the cycle to continue
There are many people who look at their children as their source of retirement income. Some will use the Biblical admonition to honor your mother and father to rationalize this obligation. Dave is correct about a parent’s duty to take care of themselves financially after retiring. My only wife of 39+ years and I have informed our grown children that they will not have to worry about us financially in retirement. We do not want to burden them. They really appreciate our stability and are planning for their own retirement using us as role models.
I am the same age as her mom and just started saving for retirement. I would never expect my kid to take care of me. Granted he's still in elementary school but still.
My mom is 80 and I work and take care of her and I’m blessed that I can… she is a blessing to me and my family ❤
I needed to hear this. My mom didn't say she expects me to take care of her but I feel guilty about not. She has never done anything to help herself
You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. Trust. Whatever you give her will be squandered and unappreciated.
That's why they make homeless shelters. But I suspect most people will move their indigent parent in or pay their rent somewhere.
Don't feel guilty. It's not your job to be responsible for an irresponsible person.
Mom is young enough to go get the same masters herself.
"Your mother is misbehaving!" Amen!
“You don’t have to take care of people who won’t take care of themselves.” Right on, Uncle Dave! She’s 46! It won’t be a luxurious retirement, but she can start now and take care of her own retirement.
Seriously, I know people in their 40s who completed career changes and finished their PhD’s. There’s no reason somebody in their 40s can’t get a certification or anything that will help them get better jobs because she’s gonna be working for at least another 20 years..
It sounds like the siblings followed the mother's path of being needy, and this kid aspired to be better than that. Problem as I see it, not only will the mother become your dependent, if you let her, but your siblings will want to get on the gravy train as well, and then your life becomes a rut.
yep, i was this kid for so long bc i didn’t know how easy life is, now i’m going back to school pursuing my bs in computer science
Just gonna get worse as more and more unwanted children are forced to be born.
@@Mak2Grim Keep on your path and don't look back!
A lot of people don't understand that it is grooming - brainwashing - emotional abuse that starts from the time you are a small child. It never quite feels right or sets right with you because it doesn't seem natural.. but once you are in early adulthood you have resolved yourself to being controlled by these narcissistic guilt tripping parent(s). The children don't realize that this abuse has a trickle down effect and will cloud decisions or at least ruin you emotionally. The answer is to break away clean.. but you have to do it in young adulthood.. take it from a 62 year old woman who has been taking care of her 80 year old mother since I was about 17. The resentment and bitterness is so deep you secretly pray on a daily basis that God will call them home so your burden is lifted and the cross you have had to bear your whole life, is gone. So sad..
@@tinasmallwood9546 I don’t want to judge you, but if you wait for God to do what you can do yourself by moving on with your life now, then you will continue to hate her and yourself. Check in with her once a week and if she lays a guilt trip on you, make it once a month, until you take back your life. It is never too late
There is not a WORSE parent than the one that has children only for the interest of having them taking care of them without thinking on the burden you are putting into them.
Her mother is robbing her daughter of a life of her own. Her mother is not her responsibility.
My mother told me I would have to take care of her when I got older when I was in high school. The last day I spoke to her, I told her she better not treat my brother as bad as she treated me or she wouldn’t have anyone to suck the life out of like she planned… she didn’t listen and neither of us have spoke to her in 10yrs
I don't know what you went through as a child, but to not let her know that you're at least alive sounds really cold. Life is full of surprises and you'll get old too. I'm not old by the way.
Good for you. Hard to say, cuz you hate to see families fall apart. But it’s on the parent to be mature. Mistreating their kids and then expecting them to take care of their parents later? That’s just stupid. Kids didn’t ask to be born and they don’t owe you shit.
No. Mom should have set herself up for her future. Not be a financial drain on her children. Happy Mother’s Day! 😇
She should also possibly get long term care insurance for her mother ASAP. The younger her mother is, the less expensive the insurance will cost. I am kicking my own ass for not doing this exact thing years ago. I will be getting the insurance for myself, seeing what my mother is going through right now.
Way to teach Dave!!!! I had to teach my 85 year old mom. Your so kind to pay for her and her mom to go to FPU. So kind
Stressful. I’m with Dave 100% on this one
And thank you for bringing up the idea that it is unattractive for a man to find himself taking care of his significant other’s mom. Food for thought
What a way to start off Mother's Day.
🤔 mother's day or not, the truth has to be told
I don't hear about children's day, whoever created mother's day, was a self absorbed manipulator.
There is a difference between a mom who ran out of money because she outlived her pension and one that willfully resisted saving for her future thinking her kids will take care of her.
I had nothing saved when I had to retire due to medical.
I only receive ssi from my deceased husband.
It wasn't a lot of money, but by paying utilities first, gas, ins, and food.
There wasn't much left over, but it relieved the stress on my life.
I believe this woman can live on her ss, but she has to be disciplined.
BLESSINGS
Thank you for this. My mom told me the same thing. I had to write her an email to put my response in writing. She loves debt and defends it. She said it so casually as it was her decision and i had no choice in the matter. She was like my retirement plan is to have you take care of me.
You have to love how she feels she has choices, but you don't.
It's so sad that what's she's saying is so relatable with so many of us. I have family member that significantly help with both of her parents. It's even more horrible because they barely raised her.
Island parents expects that. It’s a burden believe me
Your family member is nice. I only return favors. If you did not play a role when I needed help, I don't play a role when you do. In case of a parent: "I hope you have social security or a pension."
Africans do this a lot. Especially to their daughters.
Sounds like the first step of manipulation so that it prevents the daughter leaving and following her own destiny in life. Maybe behind it all the mom is insecure or afraid of loneliness? But she needs to meet her own needs in an adult way rather than by controlling her daughter.
Reminds me of the question, “if you don’t have kids who is going to take care of you when you’re old?” Nice to hear the answer to the flip-side of that question.
I would never expect my daughter to take care of me in this way! The nerve! Talk about entitlement!
It’s our responsibility to plan not put this burden on our adult children. Mercy! 🙄
Thank you so much for saying that. I lived my whole life up unto this point with the burden of taking care of my parent necause they are too scared to take responsiblity for there own self.
The end was probably one of the best things Ken has said to date.
I also meant the way he said it.
Yes, resentment vs disappointment. Very good point. Better to disappoint someone than to resent them. Resentment lasts a lot longer.
I love my mother, she would never say this to me, but I will and always will be there to support her. But my dad said no it’s ok bc she got plenty of money and assets when he’s gone LOL! (Thank you Lord lol). But I will always always always be there for my Mom if she didn’t have the retirement money.
Random note: I hope her Masters program stacked her with the necessary certs, because unfortunately in information security a Masters means far less than a CRISC and CISSP.
Facts
My former MIL was like this; expected her sons to support her while she spent what she wished on QVC. It is so unbelievably selfish. This 46 year old woman needs to work a second job and save, and not unfairly burden her children.
Lol if Mama dukes was in her 60s/70s, then that's one thing, but 46!? You still got time!
Really. 20 years to pump up that 401k
I'm 46 and last December I graduated with a degree in cybersecurity because I refuse to force my 2 20 something sons to take care of me. That would be insane when I can start a new career and take care of myself. I have a 401k.
My mom passed away in 2018 and unfortunately she forced me to take care of her. She became disabled in 2011 and dumped all her responsibilities on me. From 2011-2018 I spent my salary on my mom.
I'm retired at 54 being a millionaire. I was a male RN. I was able to do this by following Ramsey's teaching. Financial Peace retrained my thinking about money. The only thing I paid interest on was my house. Saved 15000$ a year for 30 years. If I didn't need it I didn't buy it. If I needed it I bought it in the most efficient way possible. I learned to live on little money. I did however go on vacation twice to Europe. It came down to do I spend a dollar for a soda or drink water and put that dollar into my vacation account. Water is better for you anyway.
The young woman needs to pull back and let her mother figure out her retirement. No problem helping her in old age but at 46 she needs to get her stuff together while she still has time. Her daughter is not her husband.