How Do I Set Financial Boundaries With My Mom?
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- Опубликовано: 17 окт 2024
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Man you can just hear it in his voice… he’s been bottling it for a while and he’s had it.
Some parents know how to emotionally blackmail kids to fund their retirement
Yeah somebody needs to tell mommy "no." Betting that no one ever has. I would never want to do this to my kids.
I know it sucks! My mom tries that too and it is almost very hard to say no! I try to ask myself what would God think.
I once asked my mother if she knew what a boundary is and she told me yes, it means she didn’t have to do anything for anyone else. I asked her about her respecting other people’s boundaries and she said that there was no such thing. So I showed her by saying no when she was trying to cross my boundaries. She learned when she was about 85 and I was the only one of her children who would have anything to do with her. Saying no to her demands brought us closer.
That's great to hear.
Wow yea my mom tried this with me too for 12 years, but I put my foot down at 29 years old. I'm 31 now and life is so much better. The toxic codependent lifestyle was the worst, I hated it and I hate it for this caller.
My wife and I are 64 and we don't demand anything from our kids.
Todd, when you say no to someone close to you who has been disrespecting your boundaries for a long time, they flip out on you. You have to do the right thing and fund your own retirement so you do not end up in a bad position in the future. Sometimes when a husband dies the mom can start relying on her son to do the things her husband used to do for her. The boundaries get blurry for her. Tell her firmly and with love that you can’t do any more. She will be irrationally upset but just keep reading that book about boundaries!
My mother is 79 years old, doesn't ask me for a dime, is independent and retired. Lives below her means
To people like me who was poor growing up with a single mom, 125K sounds like a lot of money, but since getting my own finances in order, 125K is still a very very good income, but you can quickly get behind the 8 ball, if you think you can give it away!
At 26 years old my 66 year old mom lives with me. She has mental health issues and lost everything she had over the course of the past 6 years. She asked me for a rental car and I said no. I won't put myself in a position where she could stretch me thin but aside from she did everything she could as a single mother so she can stay with me.
♥
You’re a classic son/husband. Sorry. Terrible to do to you
Some parents are truly anything but parent-like. My own mother asked money at the very beginning of my career when every penny was majorly important to me and she had an abundance. I did it then cause I had no boundaries but that kind of relationship needs either major limits or you'll literally die from stress and exhaustion from your parent.
I was 26, living at my parents-law's and my dad was having me take out 5 figures in cash advances to stave off bankruptcy. It didn't work and they went bankrupt. I had a tough conversation with him and said I can't do this anymore. I need to start my own life. He understood. I'm 44 now worth 1.12 million, increasing by about 100k/year. Just got home from a Caribbean cruise where money wasn't a concern. It's amazing how free you are financially when you don't let others hold you down. Why give money to someone who is terrible with money when I can instead put that in my Roth IRA, 401(k), HSA, or ESA for my son and put it to work for me? Because we're related? Who gives a fuck. Pull your damn self up. There's time to donate when I die. What doesn't go to my descendents will go to a cancer charity or something. Stop investing in financial morons. Oh, by the way, my dad earned 40k more when he went bankrupt than I EVER have. And I'm the one with the professional license.
I can't imagine being ungrateful for my son buying me a nice condo. Sounds like she shouldn't have gotten squat.
When I finished school I wanted to help my mother because she struggled for years as a single parent and she refused to take a dime. I had to sneak money into her wallet behind her back.
Love this.
You are a good daughter.
I wish!
I love your moms mentality, and you are a great daughter. God bless you.
this is the beauty of space. you mom is giving it to you. makes giving easy and unguilted. best giving ever.
Kinda glad to see I'm not the only one in the "my parents expect me to be their retirement plan" boat. This needs to stop.
We had this problem with my MiL. She refused to work. Said it was her right to be a home maker. Except she was terrible at it and has been married and divorced five times. My husband “had” to support her while he was in college in 1984. After college he continued and when we got married it didn’t stop. We continued being the person she called until 2019. We spent decades supporting her. It only stopped when I told hi, we couldn’t retire because we had no idea when something would come up. She never warned us. It was always a middle of the night call to ask for money to be deposited the next morning. She didn’t care if we had to both be at work. There were times she would call me because he was on business travel. It is so nice now that we have a solid boundary in place.
Bet ur gonna be celebrating when she’s in the grave eh?
You mom knew that there was no life insurance= Their fault, period. If she throws a fit because you tell her "No, enough is enough" then so be it. Stiffen your spine up. Think.... what is something happens to you and the money does not roll in anymore? Protect yourself. It is not your job to put yourself out while she gets put in.
Best thing he did is he put the property in his name.
My mother was taking and expecting every cent I made since I was little. If I mowed a lawn it was hers. She was entitled to everything and told me I wasn't even entitled to food in the fridge. Went on into my 20s because she blackmailed me with my siblings. Eventually I couldn't send any more than 500 a month and I had too many medical bills to pay for everything she wanted so she disowned me and took away my siblings.
So many mothers are actually monsters and our society is just obsessed with pretending mothers are angels.
Go against them and you loose possibly your whole family over it so they abuse that power to no end.
I’m so sad you have such a selfish and evil mother. And yes you’ll miss family, but that’s not a family anyway. I met a women who pimped out her daughter. I know it doesn’t feel like it but you’re blessed not have that kind of people around you.
This goes back decades. Not a recent issue.
Poor Todd. Read that book over and over, buddy...it'll change your life as you put the principles into practice.
Oh hell no. My wife’s mom just passed suddenly and her gambling addict dad wanted to move in. Has acted like we’re his financial safety net. Nope. We had some very hard convos. I told him we can’t live together, not even for 1 day. We are not financially supporting him either. He’ll have to “act his wage” for the first time in his life. He threatened suicide and the answer was still no. He found an apartment in Seattle near my wife’s brother.
Good for you! People suck even if it's a parent.
Thanks! Worst convo ever! I asked him if he really wants his daughter to blame herself if he does that?! He slithered away. That man is so yucky and manipulative. And entitled. 🤢
@@karenabrams8986 Hold your ground! I've got a real piece of work in my family as well. Sometimes, you just gotta turn them over to the universe/God/whatever, cause there's not a thing you can do. Google: "Narcissist family members grey rock" I've used this method many times, it's a lifesaver! :)
Oh yes. Grey rock all the way. I have used this hundreds of times in the last 40 years. Not for family, but for awful colleagues and bosses.
I’m super happy with my responses in the moment. I rocked grey rock like a pro. What sucked was being angry, sad and sickened for 2 days afterward. Would like to bounce faster. Impatient to feel immune to the guilt trip. None of these parasites ever feel guilt so neither should my wife or I.
It’s very hard to accept there’s just morally vacuous self serving hedonists and sometimes that piece of 💩 is your parent.
She has two pensions and social security and she STILL can’t afford her lifestyle??!! Hell no!!
She needs to get real and change her lifestyle!! 😅
So, the caller expects to pay for everything then? Groceries? Mortgage? Utilities? I know it hurts saying no to your parents, but sometimes it has to be said.
I think it also has to do with his ego and being "the golden child." He wants to be able to swoop in like Superman and give his mom the world.
Two pensions and social security! Must be nice. Tell her that you'd be happy to help her learn how to budget.
I don't have a dog in this fight, My mom lives in 1 of my Rentals with no expenses. But through the Ramsey way of life I'm able to afford it . Zero debt lifestyle has afforded me the opportunity to do things I would have never imagined when I use to be stupid with money.
My parents worked like dogs. Mom passed in November and her senior community just refunded rent security and she in effect paid my rent for the summer. They were awesome, i miss them
Guilt is very powerful
Condos are nuts due to crazy HOA fees! I'd Never buy a condo.
HOAs, are another form of vampires.
Never buy into an HOA, they are Evil, abusive tyrants.
I love my condo. I always wanted one. HOAs aren't just fees with no purpose. They go toward upkeep and things you don't have to do or would have to pay anyway like trash removal, water/sewage, lawn moving, snow removal. I also don't have to worry about certain things associated with home ownership like roof repair or replacement. It works out nice for me.
I live in a condo but I don't mind it. It combines multiple bills into one and frees up my time for more important things.
I'll live in an apartment before I buy anything with an HOA, ever!
It is okay to say, NO! Even to mothers.
I cut my mother off. I was only loved when i gave money, then hated when i didn't.
Best thing to do is to sell that damn condo,get your name off of it and start saying no.
It's not worth it trying to buy people's love. Even for family.
Son-husband Situation.
This guy needs to stand up to his mom and keep saying no. Otherwise, she will ruin his life. You can tell in his voice that she makes his life miserable.
run far away from her
@@angel-ij4xv Yes indeed!
If the mom is over-extended, then mom has got to sell some stuff & move into something a little more “sensible”. You’re being too “nice” to your mom, and being a “momma’s boy”. You’ve got to put your foot down on your mom, and tell her how it has to be.
And - letting your siblings off the hook. They don't help your mother or have the hard conversations with her.
@@elizabethallen4353 in actual fact, you’ve got to sit them all (mom & all the siblings together) down in a room all at the same time & tell them “how it’s gonna be”. The “Bank of Him” has got to stop … NOW!
@@elizabethallen4353 in actual fact, he’s got to sit everyone (mom & the siblings) in a room at the same time & he’s got to tell them “how it’s gonna be”. The “Bank of Him” is now permanently closed, and withdrawals have been stopped.
Mom & the siblings are definitely going to “put up some drama”, but he’s got to put his foot down to end this non-stop bleeding!
Tell her to move to a place she can actually afford.
Young men out there, please listen to this call closely. Don't be this guy. I'm 53, he is 52 you don't have to end up like. PLEASE start using the word "No" believe me once you start it get's easier and easier.
Moms like this are what nursing homes are for.
hahahahahahahahahahahahhaa that made me laugh outloud
It doesn’t stop with the nursing home. They only keep $50 per month but the NEED $500 per month to stock their room with groceries and snacks because the dining room is 120 steps away. That’s “too far to walk” for a prepaid meal. Just say NO!
Sell the condo. Mom can figure it out. She can want anything but doesn’t mean you give it to her say no. If you let her stay in condo say no to any more money or help.
Notice he said “my mothers husband” indicating this is at least the second man she’s been with while her son has been alive. Hops from man to man for help now she’s latched on to her son. Pathetic
Or his (traditional) birth father died in a horrific accident and Mom met another traditional man. But f-ed up? Three ways from Sunday!
He said her husband of 30 years. That is hardly jumping from man to man.
I'm in a similar boat. My parents are getting divorced and my mom absolutely cannot afford her house. My dads work around to not having to pay alimony is telling her to come to me for money because I have 20k in cash for school expenses. Literally trying to have my mom leach onto my college savings so he wont have to pay alimony. And he's guilt tripping me on it because he signed over the car I've been driving and maintenencing for six years to my name and because he allowed me to live at home while going to school. I'm not going to let my mom starve but at the same time I'm not giving her my money. The boundary is set at "you need to eat, fine." I just want out of this mess tbh...
Answer is “no”
This is awful. May I suggest help those who help themselves. ie what is mom doing to feed, cloth, and put a roff over her own head. If she is working non stop to help herself, then of course feed her, but if not then why would you work to enable her. Enabling is not helping.
Just say no. It's not hard.
Good for you for setting boundaries. Good luck to you.
Legally your dad cannot make you give your mom money to avoid alimony. The courts will decide what he pays. Your dad isn't right to out that on you.
Everything about this is so chaotic
She latched onto one man. Now he’s dead. She is trying to latch onto another.
Son-husband deal. Emotional incest at its finest.
He’s a son husband.
Time to drop her where she stands.
@@thomasdonlin5456 I have a cousin in this exact spot. He is oblivious to how creepy it’s become.😢
first is normal it was her husband second isn't since its her son
What? A woman latching onto a man for financial support? What a strange thing that has never ever happened before!
I wish there was more information on income and expenses. How much are her pensions and social security? How much was the condo? I thought he said mortgage payments were around $900/month but then I also thought he said HOA was $1,000/month. Something doesn't sound right, or I misunderstood.
Where was Mom living before the condo, on the street? How was she not self-sufficient at her age? Why does she need someone to foot the bill if she worked and has pensions and retirement? I don't get it.
It's bad enough when people have lazy and ungrateful kids that expect everything. But it's 10 times worse when it's parents expecting their kids to foot the bill on everything. SMH
His mother is weaponizing her incompetence. This is financial abuse as it’s finest.
The caller is weak willed and simply an enabler. All he has to say is "NO," and this entire situation wouldn't be happening. It's on him. He's an adult,... just acting like a child.
2 pensions? Turn off your phone
1:53-2:14.
Dave: Does your mom have any money?
Todd: Ayy, you know...blah blah blah
Dave: Hey Todd, does she have any money? 😂
haahahahahahhhhhhhhaaa
You help me grow my money like Farm land ..your the greatest of all time
He needs to put his mother through Financial Peach University! She needs to know her income coming in and a budget with a name for every dollar. And she needs to stop guilting him into spending his money. She's playing the martyr card. "No" is a wonderful word to learn how to use. It stops a lot of grief.
You just say no.
Surprised he didn’t say to sell
His mom and eat rice and beans
Love ya Dave, but why don’t you allow your co-host be a co-host. Stop interrupting them.
Man oh man, I thought my mom was difficult. Lol
I guess SIMPS can be relatives too.
Just say NO!
Another guy named Todd with a controlling mom. The difference is I don’t let mine steamroll me like he does.
Need to read the Boundaries book Todd!!!
Best person to learn boundaries from is Terri Cole - 25 year Psychotherapist. Lots of free RUclips videos. Simple, clear concise with scripts added. Makes the whole process seem much more positive and simple than other authors/teachers.
No means no ! She is your mother even though you should not be responsible for your mother's life.
You have to learn to say No. if you don’t you will not have anything.
I really doubt he took Dave's class
I would cut my mom off if she tried to pull something like this. Idc if she’s my mother. My family comes first.
Todd helped his mom quite a bit already, I am sure she will be fine. I think helping once in a while is probably doable, but honestly the issue here is mom thinking she gets to call the shots. Mom is not entitled to Todd's money! I would definitely help my parents if they really needed it, but this mom is not really even trying.
Yikes. This is a codependent relationship. Mom is controlling and Todd has been defending her his whole life. I hope he can break this spell.
This becomes,,,, the Dr Dave show,,, like DrPhil
"The only butt is your mom" lolol
"No" is a full sentence. "Nope" NADA" "Nicht" "Nine" also work
“The only but is your mom” Dave 😂
😂😂😂 I loved that too!
😂😂
Can barley hear this dude, sounds like he’s talking through a snorkel
😂
Yep, lots of sub-aquatic issues lately
"How do I set financial boundaries with my mom?" The same way you set them with your kids. You say "NO". This woman is totally unreasonable. I am 77 years old and I have a 55-year-old daughter and a 30-year-old grandson and I have NEVER asked either of them for one thin dime...nor will I ever! It is not their place to take care of me. PERIOD. Sixteen years ago when my husband died, my older brother called me and asked me if I needed any help financially. I thanked him very much but told him that I did not need any help...and I don't. The secret is that I stick to my budget. I am debt free (thanks, Dave!) and I know how to say no to myself and I don't live high on the hog so I don't need help from my brother or my daughter or my grandson. This woman needs to get her act together. She needs to learn to live within her means and stop trying to sponge off of her son and guilt him if she can't get what she wants from him. Shame on her!
I’m sorry if you are 75 you’re on your way out… nobody should be funding for a ridiculous condo at that age would’ve been more appropriate if she moved in with the son if she was in desperate need no to get a condo! Smh
If I ask money for my mom I make her get a notarized agreement at the bank and establish a repayment plan. It's too easy to become neglectful without a proper repayment plan in place. A notarization respects the sacrifice someone else is doing to help you out and you don't get entitled.
I dunno what it is with these old people who assume their legit CHILD should be taking care of them. You have had 70 years to figure it out Karen. Ur on your own we got kids to take care of!!
Learn to set boundaries and learn how to say NO! Your mother and wife should be no exception! You’ll get more respect that way.
Don't tell anyone you have money
She must think your her son husband. Tell her to find a husband.
Nopenopenope. She lives on what she has coming in. He already provided a condo that put him in a bind.
Any other children that can help or is it just you?
Get life insurance! People! Life insurance.
Did she originally want to live with him, & as he said no, then he had to buy a condo?
I love you them together 1:21 🤣
The guy is also totally disorganized. Knows mom gits SS & a couple of pensions probably doesn't know how much. Bought a condo & surprised at HOA fees & set back. No clue of even approximate net worth. Stop & get yourself together. Then help mom get her stuff together if she will. Learn to say NO
Two pensions and SSA>> ~$6K/mo?
Boo Hoo
My husband is 54 and his mother is a narcissist. She’s also 74. I have cut her off and she will get nothing from us. She leeches off her siblings. We will never give her a dime. Hasn’t worked in 23 years. Very healthy and able. NO is a complete sentence
“That’s what she wanted.” 🙄 Sounds like they lived by that too.
I have had to politely tell my mother once, about 10 years ago, no....I was nice. She wanted to move into the condo my wife and I lived in. We told her that unless she wants to sell her place in Chicago and buy a place in Arizona, the answer is unfortunately 'NO'. My mother eventually understood...but it was not easy.
Also, my wife constantly has told her parents (who live in Vietnam) 'NO'. They keep wanting her to sponsor them for Green Cards and they come to Arizona. My wife did the math, even with them selling their place in Vietnam, it doesn't add up. It would drain us and our nest egg in California. They still approach her with crazy ideas about this, and my wife tells them 'NO' without saying 'NO'. My wife says, "Tell me your plan!". Either they have none, or my wife pokes holes in their plan as far as the math. They guilt trip my wife, and she doesn't fall into their trap.
FYI
My wife is no dummy when it comes to US immigration. This is an immigration issue as well as financial.
Although my wife could sponsor her parents for a US Green Card, she won't. Where they are right now, in their home in Vietnam, that's paid off, is best for them.
It works for them in terms of:
Income/money
Family and people connections
Lifestyle
Language (they speak no English)
Healthcare
Many reasons. This is exactly why my wife told her parents 'NO'.
Interestingly my in laws in Vietnam, who don't know about the USA, thought it was perfectly legal to file for welfare once they immigrated to USA. My wife educated them on fraud. My wife told them that if they do this, she will report them for fraud.
@@rahuliyer7456 I love your wife 😂 good honest woman
It doesn't matter the relationship with a woman, once you start paying the bills nothing is ever good enough and you'll be paying for her every desire.
Ouch.
Ridiculous statement.
@@Mrs.TJTaylor Say that to my ex-wife.
Not all women are like your ex-wife, Boris
For God sake, dont do it, just say "No mom, I love you and I wont ruin my future for a luxury purchase, period"
Is it a normal condo or is it a fancy one for rockstars on a golf resort with ocean views? I wouldn't mind paying for a normal one...
Dave saying 'Whack" is something else.
Jade is literally just to repeat "mhm, that's right, yup, what he/she said."
sell the condo and put her in an apartment. Don't give her anything more.
“You need to say no”. “Yeah…… but….” “I know…. I know….”
Simple: Sorry mommy, I can't afford you.
I clicked to see if it was a teen or adult. My jaws dropped when he said 52! Dude, sell the house and let your mom rent a room.
He's a handy man with construction skills and probably fantastic to help fix things.....that's why mums been a cow 🐄 and he's use to being handy and he's now got tired of it.
THATS WHY HES THE GO TO CHILD
I suspect the callers mother has done this to him his entire life, and he has never said no. He is the responsible child, not the golden one. Sometimes, people need permission to do what needs to be done.
Yeah, that part stuck out to me too because it’s generally not the golden child that get settled with the responsibility of taking care of mom or dad, but the scapegoat or one of the other children but definitely not the golden child.
"There's no but... the only butt here is your mom."
This is why Dave is the best 😂
Son husband
This call is crazy 😂
Mom is too old for this
To the nursing home ya go bye bye
In his 50’s and is a momma boy ya this guy isn’t married and weird as crap 😂
He can afford it. It have nothing to do with his net worth.
She is just renting it. So she have no say in any reno's.
Damn he sounds weak like cottonelle tissue😐😒
Not weak but most likely conditioned since a child to be the parent to take care of his mother while she relaxes throughout life and if he does not change, he will be in a casket before she is in one. He's stressed because now he has to face an ugly truth. If he does not give all that he has to her, she might never want to see him again and he must confront she likely never cared about him as he made himself believe.
@@thebastardgift however you want to put it, I consider it weak a person especially a man not putting their foot down and enforcing boundaries.
@@retrojay86, Over 50 years old he needs to do the very thing that should have been done decades ago. My point was he was likely emotionally blackmailed since a child to conform to her vulture behavior. Mom is now 75 years old and if she cuts him out of her life, he has to live with that. He is not weak as a man but rather as a human. We all have scars and now he is dealing with his.
@@thebastardgift hope her gets it together soon
@@retrojay86, me too and be at peace with his decision because either way there will be some pain involved.