The hardest part of being with an emotional abuser is how long you go before you ever react very badly. But as soon as you do, they now blame you for everything. My husband will blame me for saying something cruel (which is not right that I did it) but he will leave out the years of lies, gaslighting, minimizing or denying his actions and words, invalidating my feelings etc before I EVER crossed a line. I am not proud at all of my behavior in response to the abuse. Many shameful moments on my end. It’s like becoming an entirely different person I don’t even recognize anymore.
I totally understand that. I was married to one for 30 YEARS and He was the same thing as well and he loves his self ONLY. YOUR IN MY PRAYERS 🙏 POWER IN PRAYERS 🙏 POWER IN JESUS NAME 🙏
It’s awful isn’t it 😞. That’s where I’m at with my daughter right now. I feel like I’m going crazy as I try desperately to not explode, looking like an unstable person 🤯🤯🤯. Hope things get better for you 💞💞💞
My (ex) husband and I went to counseling together. Everyone thought he was so wonderful that he agreed to counseling. They always thought he was Mr. Wonderful. I called the counselor one day and while we were on the phone she said, " Lauren, he does not love you." That cut like a knife but it is good to hear the truth when your heart is trying to love them but your eyes are blinded
I've actually come to terms with people seeing toxic people as good because I realize toxic and even narcs aren't always toxic with everyone narcs can have friendships etc and often narcs have targets that's where they get the real power even narc parents have scapegoats which means they don't hate on everyone if they do that there's no power because they have no one on their side
That’s so hard to hear, but I’m glad for you that the counsellor was honest and in your corner. That person cares about you and other people do and will in the future as well. ❤
By other hand the councellor is only a human. She propably sensed the state of The heart (hardened heart and dishonesty) of your husband, but according to my understanding The stone heart can become a living and loving heart through true repentance and renewed mind set. I understand that it was releafing to hear the opinion of The councellor. Obviously you had tried your best and were wondering that why the situation is still so painful. I believe it was The hardened and prideful heart of your husband. But yet the councellors word is not profetic word and final and for me it ecchoes The fallen mindset of this world. I would Be happier to hear that The heart of your husband was dark instead of that he doesnt love you, because on this kind of expression "he does not love you", The focus and dimand to "realise" is placed upon you. Hopefuly I could explain My point enough well. I am in a way hyper sencitive for these things.
Most people do not care about truth, most people care about "convenience". Which relationship is more valuable to me? This person can offer me this, so I will support them. Whether they do it consciously or subconsciously the result is the same. Politics rule the world even in the minor leagues.
For sure! They want the easy way out and the most beneficial. I think my mother was a very good example of that and I’ve often wondered why she took the side of my obviously very abusive father. My father hunted me down every day as a child. He was a rageaholic. They also don’t want themselves to be victimized. ‘Better her than me’ attitude. They’re weak people.
Such a good insight here! Thank you. Not that it makes it okay that my former coworkers and former supervisors didn't/couldn't "see" or validate that I was the recipient of abusive behavior and a smear campaign, your comment makes it easier to understand some of why they didn't/couldn't and to not take it so personally (which I have done for a long time now). Gonna chew on this...
Or worse, well that person (abuser) never treated me that way, therefore you (the true victim) must be lying and/or I will continue my relationship with the abuser
@@Sophia-uu1im True. They judge by appearances only, not with right judgement (John 7:24). They take the wide and easy path to destruction foretold by Christ in Matthew 7:13. They are emotionally retarded cowards.
Me over here making sure that I indeed wasn't the abuser, finding reassurance and then feeling bad again thinking maybe I'm just here to justify something bad I did to them. Everytime I think I understand and feel some closure I come back later. Unbelievable how some people can mess you up and make you doubt everything about yourself.
I was feeling confused watching this video, because when my ex narcissist husband and I were in a therapy session, I was the one gradually becoming disregulated. I was getting upset because of his calm demeanor as he lied and denied accountability for things and the therapist sat there believing him. I had set up our appointment so that I could get actual help with a professional 3rd party and it backfired. It's a confusing situation and I wish you the all the best.
If you feel that way there's a high chance you were gaslighted into doing and saying things you didn't truly mean. You were manipulated, narrcassist don't reflect like that. Your good
Im so sorry =[ im right there with you. I was doing the same thing over and over, thinking "was i the abuser? Am i the narcissist?" It's so crazy making. Something that's helped me a lot, is that narcissists and abusers don't introspect like that. They don't question if they were abusive, because they don't care. The very doubt we feel is the very thing that can be reassuring. And also, this rollercoaster is so awful and im so sorry you went through this.
I am so the same as you!! I feel I go through that cycle over and over again in my head. In this video what really helped me out is when she made the simple difference of truth seeker and truth avoider. I am always willing to look at myself even if I agree it’s very hard to do sometimes. The relationships in my life make me feel abandoned in the sense that when I feel I have a simple issue that could be resolved with someone, they end up making me feel on my own with it which has caused me to abandon my own sense of self over time because my spirit was never given space or acknowledgment by them. That is why I feel I go in so many circles and end up abandoning myself because I’m trained to not have problems by these types of people. I enable how they treat me and the only way to change that is to stand for what I truly feel and go through circulating thoughts but in the end choosing to stay true to me. Hope this helps you too!!
@@lmarie4021 i definitely get what you mean, where we abandon self advocacy to receive acceptance. Somewhere along the way (probably early childhood) i got the notion that i had to earn love, and then mirror that sentiment with adult relationships. (I think it's called repetition compulsion) makes me an easy target for narcissistic abuse =/ but I'm working on it 😊
FINALLY the first video I’ve seen on this important issue! As an ex-educator I was sick of seeing schools almost always siding with the faux-victims.. because it’s easier to give-in to the kid that’s the most entitled. The most entitled is always the abuser.
I wish the police and courts are trained for this. My narcissist ex would put on the most dramatic performances of victimhood and portrays me as crazy, jealous, insecure etc.. because I am holding him accountable. He slandered me in front of everyone who would listen and turned many people against me, all while stalking me and terrorizing me for 1.5 years. It's so traumatizing. Last PPO hearing in court, he claimed to be innocent, that I am the one stalking him, that something is wrong with me etc.. I was so terrified of how believable he can be and that the judge would fall for all his lies and projections! Luckily the judge let him speak long enough to incriminate himself further, then when she pulled out all the evidence he looked like an absolute nut case. But the police believed him before when he told them I am trying to ruin his life out of vengeance etc.. when in reality he was stalking me non-stop, making my life hell, and violating the court's orders over and over again.
My ex was a little more obvious. I was lucky. He told the judge it was HIS fault we were divorcing (the judge's), that HE was why he couldn't see his kids, and that he ( my ex) was raised a certain way and the world had a different way of doing things. My ex was a true nutjob narcissist to the core.
Thank God you stayed strong! I’m about to go through something similar. We’re gonna have to take the legal route. We thought we could handle the problems within the family. I wish I had started reporting sooner to have a legal trail of evidence on my side. I believe that things will work out though. I know God loves me and wants the best for me! God bless you! Thank you for standing your ground. People like you have paved the way for others to get the justice they deserve. ❤
yes it is a very detailed term. I think I would oversimpliefied prior to this by refering to it as projection with some additional explaination to help add context. DARVO does a nice job identifying the entire process.
It's so refreshing getting a Christian take on this, thank you. Therapy and scripture really helped me grapple with how I had become trauma bonded. My therapist said the fact that I was an open book with everything including our entire texting history showed that I wanted the truth known, not just my story. It felt so good just to be believed by an impartial 3rd party.
Many psychologist end up diagnosing the wrong person in divorce cases. I was told I had a personality disorder despite being married to a physically violent woman. Then, when she was caught leaving my then two year old son for 30 mins home alone and getting caught by police, she project and deflect and all of the sudden they realized who the more stable parent was. Here is a hint: it wasn't the mother because the narcissistic mask came off. The old saying is the villain is great at playing the victim.
That's the problem with over relying on gender stereotypes, it doesn't matter if 99% of the cases are one way. A professional has to be able to evaluate the situation independent of those biases and then weigh that against the usual narrative.
“Many psychologists end up diagnosing the wrong person”….interesting claim. Says more about your nature than anything to make such a self serving statement. You must be the exact type she is talking about..Let me ask, do you possess self awareness at all? To say something like that you must really not like what the professionals have deemed you as….with merit they certainly have. Not something you should proudly admit.
@@cieltheeditor7922 I'm a science teacher and father's rights supporter. The Minnesota Personality test has been proven to be obsolete and extremely flawed. It's the narcissist best friend and the victim of narcissistic abuse biggest enemy. The fact that the mother was caught by police leaving a two year old home alone for a half hour proved she was unstable and knew how to put on a believable act. We are also finding out that many psychologist end mental health experts are not very stable then themselves. Some of them are playing God with the family court system. You should have seen how one attorney just destroyed this psychologist in the court room. Even the judge called the psychiatrist a disgrace.
@@cieltheeditor7922 You seem quite triggered by @johnshafer7214's comment and are making some pretty hefty judgments about someone you've never met. Perhaps look in the mirror because I think you may be projecting.
It is very tiring. I escaped a narc relationship and family ties. [sister/mother/niece] after 30 years. Distance helps and these wise teachings bring revelations and wisdom. I did not have the vocab for my circumstances all my life other than constant emotional assualt and verbal/emotional abuse. But thank God for this wisdom and God's leading to this platform. There is hope and there is healing on the other side.
This exactly my ex wife did. Our Therapist advised her for a Psychological evaluation. My Narc couldn’t handle the possible truth: she blame shifted: she then began plans a for a Divorce: she was weeks ahead and started a Smear Campaign in our Parish. She was so effective at this, My own priest became a “ flying monkey “ for her, as well as others. I still to this day cannot go back to that Parish. I taught Sunday School there for 20 years and Chanted for 27 years. Just for starters. This was not enough. Parishioners judged me and discarded me along with my ex wife. A true nightmare. Almost like, getting life in prison for a crime that was never committed.
It NEVER ceases to amaze me HOW THE HELL NARCS ARE ABLE TO SO EASILY CONVINCE EVERYONE!!! It's MADDENING to have to live through the experience of people who've known & been friends w/ you FOR YEARS......just accept whatever subtly negative thing the Narc decides to say about you during their smear campaign. I really feel for you. I lost my entire family & church community bc of it...
This is precisely what happened to me - almost verbatim. There were so many trusted friends and leaders in my church who vilified me, I can’t ever imagine going back to a church or any kind of organized religious institution again; I just no longer can see the point. I’m processing through the pain and am at peace with my new perspective and relationship with God, although it has little to do with anything resembling common, Christian-based theologies. It’s sad, but that said, the mind and words of Christ have become even more real and alive to me.
Most of the time the narc alienates everyone from you…I’ve lived it, and I feel your pain. My mother, my sister, are severe narcs so I know women can be expert abusers.
@@audrajeanrussell8066 I know, right? I have found that most people will believe the first person who gossips to them…the narc knows this and makes sure they are the first out of the gate. Also, the victim is usually hurt and ashamed and tends not to tell anyone about the abuse until the narc has alienated their entire support system.
This is very true! Throughout my 44 year marriage, my husband had me convinced that our problem was because I was from a broken home and had “childhood issues”. While that may have been somewhat true, he would NEVER look within and his hypocritical pharisaical pattern of behaviors. His pride and arrogance has his heart completely hardened and his covert tactics are so well honed until he believes his lies.
I survived 37 years. my mom died at age 9. he cheated since day 1. I never cheated. we had 3 children, they are raised now, so I finally left, he was always at the ER, drama drama drama.
That's why I get suspicious when people act like the other person is the problem. A mod on OOTF is like that, StarboardSong. He acts like his wife and her family is the problem not realizing that he's with her. Why would he be with her if he's so much better unless of course he likes that dynamic?
Oh wow - when my wife of 15 years almost had me convinced that I was a narcissist, I turned to a Christian counsellor to”get fixed” (her words), it was painful as I began to uncover the truth. The narcissist in our marriage wasn’t me. But she used my upbringing in a dysfunctional family to convince me. I denied this new truth for many years. It is sad and tragic.
Sometimes they won't play the victim because they tried it before and they didn't get the results they wanted. They think no one cares because they couldn't possibly understand when in reality that person was probably playing their therapist. Maybe you just have really good boundaries or they're waiting for you to get fed up so they can cry to their friends.
Awww, I feel so sorry for you. I'm stuck atm in a situation due to money and ill health. The long term effects are pretty catastrophic. I hope you're living the best life ever. I plan to when I can get out in God's time.
I was so worried before listening like the gaslighting he did still comes through sometimes leaving me still questioning my perspective. Watching this I started crying because this is everything he did and still does and I'm hiding away everyday feeling like no one gets it, people still question the situation and from the time I made the decision that I had to leave for my sanity and safety until now 3 years later my heart sometimes still cries because all I ever wanted was for him to prove me wrong about who he is or could be. It still tears me up some days.
The only way to heal is by completely blocking and going no contact with the narcissist. They will never change for the better because they cannot. These people are not authentic and evil
@Anne Williams I was awarded a CPO in 2020, he violated it March 2021 and was given 2 years of probation then and I haven't seen him since. These are things I teach from having ran a Behavioral Health Clinic at Ft Hood and having had to already navigate through the dynamic since 2011.
@Anne Williams he is a BPD and I have avoidant tendencies when I'm around unhealthy behaviors. I've always been the first to go cold on people since childhood. He used manipulation, gas lighting, tried physical control ect. Anything to keep me stuck in the cycle so I wouldn't leave him. I had to do it delicately. Still triggered his bpd.
@@candyvarvel I’m sorry you had to go through that. I agree that you have to be very careful and have a safe plan for leaving. These people are so dangerous
As a young black man who was mistreated by a cult (didn't know it at the time) your videos ARE SPOT ON, I MEAN DETAIL AFTER DETAIL, praise the Lord Jesus Christ!
Dear Steven, not knowing that you are being mistreated or abused is not your fault. A big part of any abuse, especially that of a narcissist, is deceitfulness. Abusers are masters of deception and they use others for their own ends. Yes, Shaneen’s s videos are spot - on about narcissism and the Bible, praise God! It is a huge relief to hear and see that she understands our situation; this brings us out of the isolation that the abuse brought on. Praise Jesus Christ our Lord! From Alayna
I hate those people too! They make whites look like the bad guy. I just wanna get along with everyone cause it's the stress free life. We're all humans PERIOD. Love ya and God bless! 🤗
Check out Bible Study 101 here on RUclips. It's live nightly... Only if you want to hear the TRUTH and not the usual watered down gospel that most get their ears tickled by.
I was so gaslighted that I was wondering if I was the narcissist in this relationship. Thank you so much for clarifying things to me. I made mistakes, it's true, but I've been trying to repair them ever since. All he wants is to play victim and never considers what he did wrong. The blame is always all mine.
When I was trying to discern who was who one thing I thought of was..who’s the one cowering in the corner and sometimes shaking and who’s the one who’s always doing the yelling and attacking. They would chase after me and scream at me in anger and rage when no one else was around. Narcissists don’t want to lose their flying monkey supplies because they might be able to see that the narcissist is really the abuser. They often attack when they get you alone. This helped me to differentiate between the two.
This is a horribly inaccurate method, since men are taught to express negative emotion through rage, and women through crying. If the man is the abuser and the woman the victim, the man will be yelling and the woman will be crying. If the woman is the abuser and the man the victim, the man will still be yelling and the woman will still be crying. I have no idea why you would think these gender-based outward expressions prove anything. Obviously a man who is abused by a woman will be more likely to act out agressively rather than cowering. It'd called toxic masculinity, look it up
You should look up the term ‘reactive abuse’ then you’ll see why only looking for the one who is ‘cowering in the corner’ can be very misleading. Very often a sly, cunning, covert narcissist will set up this exact scenario in public but behind doors it’s entirely the other way round.
@@vickyb6588 Thank you! Nice to know my conclusion based purely on logical reasoning and no actual knowledge of the subject was correct, and that there is even a dedicated term that refers to the phenomenon I described. Definitely going to remember that ^^
That's exactly why I'm scared of people who did theatre now. My ex had this hobby & looked so fake sometimes that I repeated him "We're not in a movie"
@@sailorPinata I believe it's in the book of 1st Corinthians ch 12, if my memory serves me correctly, wherein it states there's a gift from God of: "discerning of spirits"? over the years, I've come to think it's probable that we get a "vibe" or a "spidy-sense" or a 6th sense about someone or something or even a geographic area. So, pray that we get the discernment & that we act on the warning appropriately ⚠️ or 🛑.
Their entire life is an act. They master it early on. They also master reading other people to find their weaknesses and strengths. Everything they do is designed for manipulation. The last thing they want is to be themselves.
It's becoming more and more clear that narcissism is completely unavoidable in this country and REGARDLESS of where you go you absolutely MUST endure the toxic psychological warfare of these psychopaths
They've always been around, all over the world we're just becoming aware of them. Combine this with the fact that social media and politics are places where they congregate, and it can start to feel like they're more prevalent than ever, when they were always here, we just didn't recognise them and they didn't advertise themselves on social media.
My mom was not a narcissist. She was hurt and that affected her her entire life. But she never blamed her upbringing. She shared her experiences and talked about how God healed her. She never wanted vengeance. Clarity.
Wow. God bless you sister for posting this video. It has clarified so much for me. I have battled with being fearful that I am the narcissist or maybe a lesser one. When I ask close, Godly friends and family (my daughter who has also been affected by her father) they have reassured me, that I am not. 😰 Someone told me that if I was the narcissist, I probably would deny it and not be worried about that I might be. Kind of like the unforgivable sin issue … worrying you may have committed it points to the fact that you probably haven’t committed it because you still have a conscience and it isn’t seared yet.
Very helpful! Actually helped me recognize that I am the victim. Like many of us, I went into a season of self-doubt where I had to really look into my own life to see if I was the source of this mess. This has helped me recognize that my need to tell my story to a few people for support revealed a very different goal than the slander campaign that was leveled against me.
The narcissist does a really good job of making you believe that you are the abuser. I think it’s called gaslighting and you’re left feeling very confused about everything. In my experience they managed to convince many people that they were the victims. This video clarifies who is and who isn’t the victim.
@@christar9527 Thanks for the support. I felt like I was going crazy for a long time. Videos like this one helped me understand what was really happening. Still leaves me with no place to go with this, but helps to recognize what is happening.
They leave you so confused and traumatised. They know they can shift blame and that your personality will allow this to happen. Going through it at the moment. Constantly wonder where I went wrong.
Love you shanine Megji .. sorry if I spelled your name wrong. I'm very impressed with your calling in God to bring clarity and healing where narc abuse has brought destruction.. you have such a wonderful restorative mantle.. praise the lord Jesus for you, your channel is a true light to people,both the unwitting general public and the recovering abused or those in the snare. God bless you 🙏 xx
It gets so messy when you are dealing with a narcissistic person who is very into self help stuff. My ex used to frequently accuse me of not being "curious" and not wanting to explore perspectives. He had me convinced that I was the problem and if only I could be more "open" then things would be better at home. He devoured self help and self improvement material and I see now that he uses the skills he learns to manipulate those around him to get his way. Perhaps the craziest thing is when these disordered people are so delusional to genuinely not see that they are not improving their lives in any way. My ex has spiraled to insane places since I left. And while I don't rejoice in the ways he has fallen, I have no place in his life to help him anymore, and I owe him nothing, because all he ever did was confuse me and hurt me.
@@leahflower9924 I think you hit the nail on the head! Honestly, I thought my ex husband was so amazing and enlightened, and I often joked about how he could be a cult leader. It's not so funny anymore, because I understand the harm he is capable of. And my whole journey learning about narcissism has made me so leery of spiritual leaders and movements-- even my own faith, I am questioning and wondering about.
@@leahflower9924 That's the disguise some use and I've encountered a few. And it's a really good disguise as it's not expected. There are plenty of the genuine article though so it's not the norm.
Yes, it falls under the umbrella of needing to be superior to others. My husband used to say ALL the time "you just don't want to better yourself". He would talk a great game especially in front of other people to make me look like a lazy POS!
This is the best video I have seen on how to Spot the difference between a narcisistic abuse victim and a narcisist who plays the victim. Thank you so much Sister ❤ God bless you.
Hurt people “hurt people so the thing is if any of us are abused long enough we might “become like them to “ survive… this had me thinking! Tired of dealing with toxic narcissists family dynamics ugh!
My relationship was so so full of toxicity and abuse… My ex said I was a narcissist and I allowed him to put the blame on me.. I now have PTSD and auto immune disorders 😢 Working on my own childhood trauma and co dependency xxx
That was so helpful! When she mentioned asking each side what role they played, I got really nervous because victim blaming is so core to abuse, but she fixed that very nicely right away. With info like this becoming available, I feel the days of hopeless narcissistic abuse are on their last leg.
Please keep educating and speaking out! you think you’re insane until someone explains a narcissist to you. Gaslighting is true trauma. Let alone having to go through the court systems with a narcissist. Thank you for hitting on the motives for each person! I feel like that will help so many people because you can’t understand this unless you’ve been through it! Having been through it, it still doesn’t make sense.
@@lisajohnson4744 Thank you Lisa. I have begun doing just that. It seems to be coming quite naturally as I'm at a loss for any other way of responding to him that works at the all. You're right, it does not solve everything because it's just no way to have to live. It's just not in my nature to live this way. Blessings on you. 💜
@@laurelvance5533 I was the same way. I didn't even know I was dealing with NPD, much less what "gray rock" was. But I also did it naturally. When I had had enough, I realized that I had already been essentially single-momming it for the whole last year anyway. Didn't even need to make adjustments. I just had more money and less stress after he was gone. That said, it's damaging to go gray rock too long. I hope you might find a therapist who knows about CPTSD, who may help you while you are still in the relationship, and also after. ❤🐻
Thank you for your amazing videos, my sister. You're full of wisdom and discernment. My testimony: After being an atheist for 8+ years, and "married" to another female, I got the urge one day to say out loud "IF there is an Almighty God that does NOT wish us pain or sorrow, please bring me truth, I wish to know you exist". Then God immediately started bringing me the answers I had been searching 8-11 YEARS for! I witnessed Him take control of my internet and the rest of my reality; He first proved to me that demons exist (I called them "inter-dimensional beings"), then He proved His own existence, which I later found to be Jesus Christ. As soon as I found Jesus at the end of 2020, He IMMEDIATELY took away my transgenderism, bisexuality, depression, daily suicide attempts, self harm, bulimia and anorexia; and He did this all without me asking Him to, because THAT'S how merciful and loving He is! Praise God!
I heard from another psychologist that narcissist and other toxic persons were originally victims of intense trauma but they choose to be stuck in their victim mentality and use it to justify their abusive behaviors. While real victims always tries to understand what happens to them and actively makes effort to change their situation they don’t use their victims hood to become abusive themselves because of their empathy contrary to narcissist.
"real victims always tries to understand what happens to them and actively makes effort to change their situation" I have to push back at this statement. There are so many victims of abuse who don't do the heavy work of dealing with their trauma, but they do not become abusers. One does not equal the other. Though I do agree that narcissistic people likely were wounded in a way that caused such a deep sense of pain that they developed a truly ineffective (and harmful) way of coping. There is so little research on Cluster B disorders, much of what we think we understand is just the best guesses of early research. There may be a genetic component. In fact, ASPD really seems to have a genetic predisposition (especially psychopathy, less so with sociopathy). I would be shocked if NPD didn't also have a genetic factor that, when combined with certain environments, could trigger a fracturing in a person that takes a sad and dark turn.
Not true. Most narcs were spoiled rotten brats. And it is genetic anyway...see Genesis 3:15 and Psalm 58:3-5. If trauma caused narcissism, every victim/scapegoat of this EVIL ABUSE would be a full blown narcissist!!
@@reesedaniel5835 I am sorry, or maybe I am not, but your opinion really means very little compared to the studies that have been and are being done. While I am a person of faith, I understand that you can't win an argument with faith based reasoning. Please don't make the mistake of thinking you can. Your response shows a very clear lack of any real understanding of narcissism or how these personalities are formed. Do a little research and then we can talk.
Not all narcissists!! Some were just spoiled and entitled and given special treatment at the expense of others and now they feel like thats how the world is supposed to treat them and get vindictive when anyone tells them the truth about their value being less than average.
Thank you for this video. Raised by a narc and a genuine psychopath, I often question if I am the problem, if I am the narcissist, if I am the abuser, or if I am just coping or trying to protect myself. This video really spells out the nuance between who is the victim and who is the abuser. It can be especially confusing in the parent child situation, because the parents literally raise the child to be like them, while simultaneously punishing the child for the unethical behavior. The narc parent will set up the double standard to commit this abusive behavior on the child but when the child does the same behavior they are met with shame and condemnation.
Oh, thankyou,. This is exactly what I'm experiencing. DARVO. It took yrs for my friends to understand and a mental health practitioner doesn't 'get' it, so I don't take her too seriously anymore. I can't leave the situation at this time but have a long term goal of getting out of this situation and not EVER going back. Thanks for your work, it's so validating.
I've been feeling ashamed about sharing my story, particularly online. Despite trying to be clear that I was sharing to process and to help others who might receive the same treatment, I lost a lot of friends. Thank you for helping me realize that it's a normal part of the processing.
Been in this narc/empath relationship for almost 7 yrs. I definitely have more issues than when I entered the relationship. Just ended a almost 20 yr best friendship after I told her everything I had been keeping secret out of shame, & she told me some stuff that had happened in my absences. After I confront my narc & have a major blowout my "best friend" decides she needs to "clear up" things with my narc. I feel so betrayed. Have been trying to heal from childhood trauma & now all of this things from this relationship & mourn people I thought were my support system. She even told him some things between me & her. Trying to be sane in this getting harder. My narc has gotten away with everything. Even things that don't involve me, he's done no jail time. I'm ashamed really. And he's so well spoken. Can even produce tears. Pray for me🙏🏽
Thank you for this video. I found your videos recently and recently found God too after enduring an abusive relationship with a narcissist. I have struggled with thinking I wasn’t loving or present enough. Gaslighting really messes with your perception of reality. The fact of the matter is he frightened me often and has a long history of abusing his partners and is in jail now, hopefully this is when he self reflects and heals too. These videos have been paramount in my healing journey. So thank you for your hard work and wise words. 🙏
You're right on about their behavior! You described my sister perfectly. She treated me badly and then lied to many friends and others about me, painting herself as a victim. ...and of course I'm the big meanie for going no contact. Life is peaceful without her in it. Pity, she's my only sibling.
This is one subject I've brought up about narcissists many a time. If a therapist has a victim and a narcissistic abuser both walk into a therapy session their stories would be almost identical. Both will point at each other and recite the same accusations almost like it's written in a script. This is, of course, because the victim is describing genuine abuse but the narcisist is mirroring that abuse both by being aware of what they're doing but also mimicking their victim.
This! You are The First to explain exactly what I have felt for 30 years 🥲. Ive listened to video after video, read books, attended group therapy, individual therapy & still left feeling I was the one to blame. I’ve subscribed, ordered Navigating Transition, and will be in touch for coaching. I was at the point of not wanting to be here anymore. Doubting my whole existence. ♥️ Thank you for posting this video. I’m certain you have touched many of us.
I’m glad for this video as I have been struggling with understanding how to process my narcissistic sister, and her stepdaughter’s lies and abuse. I thought I knew them, but I was shown that I was entirely wrong, and that has caused me more pain than I have ever experienced before. It’s hard to understand how people can be so literally destroyed, and then know that they have actually destroyed themselves and continue to do so. My experience exactly followed what you said here. All I wanted to do is tell people what it happened, but I only told my pastor and three other persons at church. I have to admit I have been extremely angry at times with them both, but the Lord in His mercy has allowed me to see them for the destroyed souls they actually are. I still struggle to pray for them as I need and ought too, but I know the Lord will help me with this as well. All while knowing they are bad-mouthing me to anyone who will listen. However, I know I’ll never accept them back in my life due to what I now know. I give thanks to our God for His healing, His guidance, our trials He brings into our lives and His perfect Will.
I have a narsisistic parent. I moved out when I was 18 and I went no contact. She's had ppl stalk me throughout my 7 or 8 years of no contact. I've managed to avoid her for the most part but every other year or so she catches me alone and off guard. Often she will corner me in the streets demanding to "just talk" witch quickly leads to "just need u with me" "just visit me" "move back home" almost every time I've needed to involve police. 6 times out of 10 police are helpful and they are eager to get me to safety Last time I encountered her however she and her partner chased me down the street and pinned me into a stranger's vehicle. When I got police involved and explained the situation they were going to take me home but then HER mother came out to scream at me and I was triggered all over again. Long story short she and her mother spend 20 minutes talking to the police while I sat in the back of the cruiser waiting to go home. Together my parent and her parent (who I haven't spoken to on 7 years) convinces the police that I'm looking to unalive myself and they take me into 72 hour watch. My shrink didn't understand why I was there and let me out a day early. I can't afford a lawyer and she tends to stretch out her encounters with me but what I'd like to know is how I can dissociate from my emotions when she puts her hands on me again. How do I not react when she forces herself into me in public when people seem to walk by like this is an every day encounter. I honestly just want to keep away from the toxicity Side note. I've never been more at peace then when I cut 99% of my family out
I was in such relationship for almost 25 years. And the person who is looking frazzled or acting out can just as be the victim, because they are being setup. They are at the end of their rope. So they come across unhinged, as oppose to the abuser looking calm, rational & reasonable. It's almost impossible to figure out who is the abuser. Even people who have witnessed the abusive events can still be manipulated into becoming flying monkeys, adults & children alike. So there is no way to know. Don't forget that the vast majority of them being male, go for younger, naive, inexperienced nubiles, as I once was. They choose very carefully, who they establish relationships with, outside of the forced relationships that happen in the work place. This is why I advocate for people like you with platforms, to start advocating for the general population to start getting psychological testing. Anyone who wants to get married, have kids or get into a long-term relationship, to save money to get themselves & their partner tested to eliminate this confusion. Those people are too good, they adapt depending on their prey etc... Just like an STD test, or a credit score or a prenup, people have to start asking for those test results.
40-60 years ago they required blood tests to make sure the couples were compatible. This prevented a lot of mixed marriages (narc and empath unions). They stopped doing that and now narcissism is wide spread. People need to marry the same blood type for a compatible marriage. The powers that shouldn't be are Cluster Bees themselves so they don't want you to know that. They are attempting to outbreed and genocide all the true empaths (God's people).
this happened to me, I was 21 (never had been in a relationship before) and completely unaware that human beings were even capable of being so malicious; let alone have the 'bad luck' of that person being my first partner. he was 15 years older than me, i might add thank god i got out after only 4 years of sinister abuse and trauma, can't even fathom what another decade or two would've done to my sense of self and general outlook. trying to recover is difficult when the experience has shaped your perception of the world and your place within it. feel miserable at all times. sometimes i drink... to forget
New to understanding DARVA, and clearly see how my (estranged, narcissistic) wife plays victim with everyone she can. I have had people ask me about the spiral downward, and (when I realized trust) I always began with my role in the demise of the marriage. Thank you for this.
2:58 From this point on you very accurately described my sister!!! I've only ever wanted her to take responsibility for everything she's done, but she believes she's done nothing wrong. Ever. She had even gone as far as to turn my brothers against me. They are much younger and have never really witnessed everything she's done over the years. So much damage over so many years. She's always the "victim". Ugh!
Divine intervention..🙏🙏 after almost a year of separation and therapy and depression, i readied myself to start the divorce proceedings. A week of negotiations with my"husband" and with all his "love" and "blaming everyone(this time his family for poisoning our marriage)", i was considering reconnecting and may be giving our marriage another chance. This was last night and today morning, RUclips Gods sent me your video. Every step, every FUCKING step is exactly what i went through..i was slandered and gaslighted so bad.. i lost my family, my career, my finances, my mind and most of all my dignity and self confidence... Thank you for reminding me the cost of trusting an abusive man 🙏🙏
My husband should have had a profitable acting career. He fooled a lot of people for a very long time . I thought I was Married to a decent man until he himself told me who he really was. Then he told me what a joke it was to so many of his monkeys that I was STUPID and never caught on. I obviously trusted some pretty mean people .I am old and wiser. I do not trust people anymore. That is the lonely reality that I now live with.
this is so helpful. i wish i could talk to you right now about how i am being scapegoated at a new church i am attending. i confided in an elder about my hurt, abuse, pain and the next thing you know im being run out of the church and shunned. he totally flipped the script when i confronted him. played the victim , started a smear campain, using bible verses and manipulation of people in the shadows. they all conveniently ignored matthew 18 and the whole time i was so aware of what was going to happen to me but i was powerless to do anything because i was unwilling to gossip and seek allies.
This was a brilliant video, very correct. As the victim being smeared and now getting character references to prove that I blew up at him (I did.... after two freaking years of tolerating it).
@ 9:14, this video is so confirming! Only yesterday I remembered this event, after hearing the whole week Yashuah saying "The Truth shall make you free."..And this tool to discern who is who, essential! Have a Highly Blessed 2023!
Thank you so much for these videos, Shaneen. They, and you, have been an answer to prayer. I was desperate to understand narcissism from a Christian perspective, as I was beginning to realise that my parents, and especially my mother, were narcissistic. I struggled to live God's Word, as they are not safe to be around or have contact with. I have found so much healing and understanding through these videos, still a long way to go, but this one has been so timely, God has been gently nudging me to watch. Thank you so much for answering His call, and for the ministry that you do. Bless you.
It’s so true that they can’t answer the question of what’s their part in the relationship struggles. I tried that approach in one of the last talks I tried to have with hik to try and better the relationship. I started with my own unhelpful habits and hoped that he would do the same after I finished. But he just thought about it for 2 seconds and then answered: “I always let myself be pushed into a corner”. This coming from the most oppositional man I have ever met made my jaw drop. You seriously think that over the course of ten years you have done nothing wrong? He raged at me all the time, tried to run smear campaigns against me in my won friend group, was frequently unkind and criticised every move I made. No matter how small, like cutting a bell pepper for crying out loud. This remark made me realise that I had to leave. Either he’s delusional or a liar. Actually he is both.
OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!! THANK YOU so much!!!!!! You have broken this down in such a way that I have a more objective view and can understand. It's like you have analyzed my story without even hearing it!! I no longer feel so confused.
Online is pretty much for respectful thought sharing (ideally I would hope). Anyone looking at this video I send general encouragement to. That is what I gathered from it.
When watching this video, I can't believe how accurately they describe my covert narc of an ex-husband's behaviour after we broke up. We share a RUclips channel, and he used that platform big time for DARVO. 07:51 An Abuser engaging in DARVO (deny, attack, reverse-victim, and offender) has the following interests: 1) to avoid being held accountable 2) to not lose their reputation 3) maintain their status in the eyes of people 4) not lose the benefits they've been able to have through their abuse Being in it, you feel so alone, you feel like you're going crazy, your body becomes exhausted and ill, and you THINK it's something just you are experiencing, something that you're doing wrong... but then when you are finally away from them you search for answers to explain their behavior. How can they act one way to the outside world, and act so differently when you're alone? Then you see the comments and stories from other victims of narcissistic abuse, it is incredible similar and somehow, it's healing to know that you are NOT insane. I'm doing much better now, still healing, I hope you all on the healing path as well.
Blameshifting is utterly cruel and little by little is shadowing the compassion and empathy (teamwork) between a person/people to grow together. Therefore, during and afterwards the results of blameshifting is just plain devastating
Absolutely agree with you! Blameshifting is another facet of narcissistic abuse. It’s another layer of abuse on top of the initial abuse. And is Very Painful.
Peace and Blessings, thank you for your wonderful videos and insight! I feel you must have had difficulties of your own that you had to overcome because you have such a unique perspective and such a clear way of explaining things; God's Holy Spirit is working through you, I am so grateful for finding your channel!
I was in a toxic relationship. I just wanted to be heard, so I wrote a message about what happened and how I felt about it. To be called selfish. I wasn't heard or understood, I found myself met with blame and hatered. I felt belittled and unimportant in my marriage. To be blamed for how I felt, and some of the things my ex said made no sense knowing the true facts. His response was to gaslight me. Blaming my father for taking him to the bar, the New Years Eve of 84. I couldn't wrap my head around it. I thought hard about it, how can that be? My father died in July that year. This was gaslighting! Purred and simple. I ended up getting help to cope with the contradictory thoughts I was dealing with. The man I was married to was afraid to take responsibility for his action, which was a plain to see. I have grown over the years and have no one in my life because it is easier to handle than irresponsible people. I have been alone since 2016 and doing well.
Thank you for this Video! It's a question that many times I wondered! Very exhaustive and makes a lot of sense! I feel I want to add something that should be granted but unfortunately not always is: when it comes with parents/children relationship (especially when the victims are little kids), children are ALWAYS the victim. There is no way in the earth that a children can "play the victim to get their parents in trouble". But, an adult may have all the interest in shifting their responsibility to a kid. It's simple survival instinct. The littles depends from adult protection, while, most of the time children are a "burden" for some parents. In that case is always uneven, don't waste your time analyzing the situation, protect the child!
Been fighting with myself over this for about five years.... was still attached for more than ten years, but in the relationship for my wholelifetime. Not heal yet. Getting better each day, yet, still feel sorry for whomever hurt me. The sense of being at fault lingers still. Whomever, not naming, took all the friends and most family members, except my siblings. After all the soul searching, this video makes so much sense and the information make me understand why I am the way I am now.
This is the first video that I have seen that explains the smear campaigns and identifying the abuser and victim so well. For 4 years my narcissist smear campaigns convinced all his friends and our couples therapist I was the abuser. I even have video on the house camera of him talking lies and manipulating a narrative about me to someone on the phone. He was an emotional and explosive man then he would demand I hug him after abusing me. The cycle of smear campaigns, brutal cruelty and punishment have left me a shattered person feeling betrayed by God for sending him to me after I prayed for a partner. I am finally free from this horrible man and am hoping to heal from all the twisted story’s , blame, punishment and cruelty I endured.
I highly recommend you check out Dr. Ramani's channel. She is one of the leading clinical psychologists working in the field of Narcissitic abuse, and her channel has been more helpful t me than in person therapy!
@@reesedaniel5835 you need to cut out the victim blaming. If you knew the first thing about highly narcissistic people, you would understand that they have such a good mask that it can take a lot before the victim sees the true person. If you want to abide by the path that Jesus taught, I suggest you judge not.
Thank you so much for outlining this information in such detail. I have been trying to figure out if I'm the narcissist. I have acted in similar ways because of the abuse I've endured(not very well though). Just thank you!
Thank you so helpful especially for me and others who have gone through the smear campaigns the manipulations and loss of our children I have wondered who will hear my own side of the story and believe since his PR campaigns have made me to be the Narc Your video will help a lot to educate the 3rd parties and the victims Alike Victims need to tell their stories to be believed and be free Thanks again
Thank you for this. My entire life has been a struggle with this. Being accused of being the abuser since I was a child, thats why my dad hit, was the lie my mom has told me and everyone else who will listen. For some reason no one asks when the hitting started, my earliest memory is from when I was 5. He also hit my mom sometimes, but some how that was my fault too? Unfortunately on a deep level I believed these lies, only now seeing them for what they truly are. Finally not taking any responsibility for this, and trying to get out of another bad situation and heal. Taking responsibility for everyone else's behavior and make everything better by constantly forgiving them while staying with them so they can keep hurting me over and over again has never worked to improve anything. The worst part is realizing the damage I've caused my own children with these beliefs, I should've left years ago, but stayed trying to hold onto relationships that were broken from the start. I could handle the slander, I isolated myself and tried to just move on and improve myself, get therapy, until they came after my kids. Now I just want to disappear.
Thank you for your video. I was very impressed with the nuisance with which you handled this topic. It can be very difficult to tell the difference between an abuser and a victim when the abuser starts to play the victim. I would like to push back a little if I may on using the concept of 'sin' when approaching these kinds of sensitive subjects. The idea that we all have flaws and can improve ourselves is important, but the concept of 'sin' brings with it some baggage that can be detrimental in helping people take responsibility. 'Sin' implies that the solutions to self improvement are external to ourselves. When the answers to self improvement are external they are beyond our control and leaves room for excuses. If we see self improvement as something that is internal and under our control we are forced to take responsibility for our actions.
Thank you and Bless you for channel! Your spiritual and psychological insights are astonishing! I would have been spared a lifetime of grief and anguish in many relationships if I had understood the dynamics at work instead of defaulting to self blame. Please, please continue your ministry of shining the Light on evil. Blessing to you!
This was amazing. My birth mom totally manipulative my siblings during our confrontation of her behavior. It was in her wheel house to do it. What I wasn’t expecting was how easily they were convinced that I was this “horrible person/roommate” And leave me hanging and getting abused in every single way. I probably won’t be able to ever trust them again.
Vary helpful! Thank you! I just hate how so many people use "he" or "him" to refur to a narcissist, woman can me narcissist also and this video proves that in my case it is the woman that is.
That’s because men have a much higher incidence of narcissistic personality disorder than women statistics show. I don’t want to be rude but look at who commits the majority of murders, especially of their wives and girlfriends. It’s rarely the woman doing it to her partner. I do know that some women are narcissists though. I think society has encouraged them to be more like men and they are becoming more narcissistic.
@stevenwatkins3991 I do believe that used to be the case, but in today's world. I think society encourages women to be narcissistic from social media, where everyone likes, and messages any women. At any given time a woman will have 10 men and even sometimes a woman in there DM's try to talk to them. Then to the way society says you don't need a man, you are equal in every way an men just try to control you. An if a man don't do this kick him aside you don't need him. Women are constantly put on pedestals and sexualize that they become an object of worship an it goes straight to their head an good guys get used for their convenience. I can keep going why todays society makes women narcissist.
@christar9527 I just Googled it an women murder their husband's or have paid or set them up to be murdered just as much as the other way around. Just saying.
You’re absolutely right. My sister went through three marriages to men (versus her daughter “married to her wife”), plus other relationships, and she’s ALWAYS the “victim”.
Thank you for this video I know that a lot of victims get really confusing think they themselves are the narcissist based on some videos online. Especially if reactive abuse was involved.
There are so many of these videos popping up for me rn, and it's hard to watch because my ex was so good at convincing me that I was the one being abusive. I honestly have to stop and remember how she reacted when I cut her off because that is the clearest part of our relationship. Everything else was repeatedly re-written; it wasn't unreasonable for her to be angry with me for weeks when I got confused about an outright lie she was telling in public, I went out of my way to humiliate her. She wasn't giving me the silent treatment when I didn't do exactly what she wanted, she just needed her own space and it was totally fine that she was furious when I knocked on the door to check in hours later (in the room that was exclusively hers in the house she decided to move into without discussion after I declined moving in with her). At one point I actually let her message a mutual friend and delete the message to reconcile a lie in a way that friend wouldn't hate me... without her telling me what the lie was. To this day I have no idea what she said and that person still hates me. I did find out the lie, though. I was supposedly trying to run a smear campaign while she "had brain cancer." She faked brain cancer for sympathy points and when it started backfiring, moved across the country and said it was because of the horrible way I treated her. Yet somehow when I cut her off because she was doing the hot/cold nonsense and completely blew up on me for talking to a support group about feeling disregarded, I was still the abusive one "just like her dad." I was just finding another way to make everything about me, finding a way to take offense at every little thing. To be honest, I know I wasn't 100% without fault in that relationship and there were some unkind moments on my part, but damn that did a number on me.
Man. My dad did this to my mom during their divorce. It got so bad she felt like she had to leave the state to be able to feel safe and not have everyone believing nasty lies about her. So glad she's safe and has a wonderful new hubs who loves her like she deserves now.
Thank you Shaneen 👌🏻 This road to recovery is indeed tough. Without the Lord and His Holy Spirit guiding us to freedom. The hardest part is giving up on the love and feelings l have always had for my highschool sweetheart. It's a tragedy deeply penetrating the soul. I still pray for a miracle as we are still married.. Only God Almighty can cause the healing and a loving reconciliation 👌🏻💕🙏🏻
In a moment of weakness during our last fight, I suggested my ex might have NPD. She completely implemented DARVO techniques before figuratively slamming the door in my face. Learning about the complexity of the disorder is very integral towards the healing process related to these types of relationships.
All this narc abuse since childhhood, then into adulthood, I feel like I'm scrambling to get up the side of a mountain every day to try hard to heal and be non-toxic myself. I pray Psalm 91 over myself for God to help me overcome and to move this mountain for me! God help us all!
This is so important to hear especially when we have been voiceless for so long and we worry how to BE in life even before we are able to get out. IDK about anyone else but sometimes I feel like I’m turning into him. But this is a defense mechanism to the abuse for so long. I know I’m not. It’s nice to hear someone clearly spell out the differences. Thank you.
1. Understand the motives behind the abuse and the abuser. Typically the victim wants to feel safe and heal. Seeking honesty and transparency. Victim is usually truth seeking. The abuser avoids truth and won't want to own up to their part but blame. They want to punish who exposes them. Victims interest are to heal, be heard and believed, for justice, reconsile if the abuser is willing to do the hard inner work that causes them to be abusive. Their motives show through their words and actions. What they say and not say and how they say things. Wisdom from the holy spirit will guide u to tell the truth behind the lies. Solomon saw their responses to see who was the true mother. 2. Abuser is more into blame shifting mode. There is no self reflecting. Void of self awareness and reflection. Ask what part did you play? And if they seem to explain. Ask for details what they did wrong. They will speak in general terms and not details. A victim may not respond with reflection if they feel they are not believed. But when they do explain they will give details. The victim will tell the whole story. The abuser is not trying to tell the whole story. The goal of the abuser is to slander and blame. The victim goal is to share the truth to be set free. The abuser is more vocal and will do a smear campaign to as many people as possible. Victims are so drained that's not their goal. 3. Abusers will share just to punish and slander. Victims share to seek understanding, help, and solutions that will cause the abuse to stop. Victims will talk about the good and bad. Abusers will just see the victim as bad. 4. Abusers blame shift, victims go into story telling.
The hardest part of being with an emotional abuser is how long you go before you ever react very badly. But as soon as you do, they now blame you for everything. My husband will blame me for saying something cruel (which is not right that I did it) but he will leave out the years of lies, gaslighting, minimizing or denying his actions and words, invalidating my feelings etc before I EVER crossed a line. I am not proud at all of my behavior in response to the abuse. Many shameful moments on my end. It’s like becoming an entirely different person I don’t even recognize anymore.
Why dont you leave him and let him gaslight and abuse himself?
These could be my own words
I totally understand that. I was married to one for 30 YEARS and He was the same thing as well and he loves his self ONLY. YOUR IN MY PRAYERS 🙏 POWER IN PRAYERS 🙏 POWER IN JESUS NAME 🙏
That's called 'reactive abuse'. When you finally react after loads of abuse.
It’s awful isn’t it 😞. That’s where I’m at with my daughter right now. I feel like I’m going crazy as I try desperately to not explode, looking like an unstable person 🤯🤯🤯. Hope things get better for you 💞💞💞
My (ex) husband and I went to counseling together. Everyone thought he was so wonderful that he agreed to counseling. They always thought he was Mr. Wonderful. I called the counselor one day and while we were on the phone she said, " Lauren, he does not love you."
That cut like a knife but it is good to hear the truth when your heart is trying to love them but your eyes are blinded
I'm sorry it hurt
what a liberating thing to hear though!
I've actually come to terms with people seeing toxic people as good because I realize toxic and even narcs aren't always toxic with everyone narcs can have friendships etc and often narcs have targets that's where they get the real power even narc parents have scapegoats which means they don't hate on everyone if they do that there's no power because they have no one on their side
That’s so hard to hear, but I’m glad for you that the counsellor was honest and in your corner. That person cares about you and other people do and will in the future as well. ❤
By other hand the councellor is only a human. She propably sensed the state of The heart (hardened heart and dishonesty) of your husband, but according to my understanding The stone heart can become a living and loving heart through true repentance and renewed mind set. I understand that it was releafing to hear the opinion of The councellor. Obviously you had tried your best and were wondering that why the situation is still so painful. I believe it was The hardened and prideful heart of your husband. But yet the councellors word is not profetic word and final and for me it ecchoes The fallen mindset of this world. I would Be happier to hear that The heart of your husband was dark instead of that he doesnt love you, because on this kind of expression "he does not love you", The focus and dimand to "realise" is placed upon you. Hopefuly I could explain My point enough well. I am in a way hyper sencitive for these things.
My counselor told me last week that I had no hope of being happy in this relationship. That was such a hard pill to swallow. 😔💔
Most people do not care about truth, most people care about "convenience". Which relationship is more valuable to me? This person can offer me this, so I will support them. Whether they do it consciously or subconsciously the result is the same. Politics rule the world even in the minor leagues.
For sure! They want the easy way out and the most beneficial. I think my mother was a very good example of that and I’ve often wondered why she took the side of my obviously very abusive father. My father hunted me down every day as a child. He was a rageaholic. They also don’t want themselves to be victimized. ‘Better her than me’ attitude. They’re weak people.
Such a good insight here! Thank you. Not that it makes it okay that my former coworkers and former supervisors didn't/couldn't "see" or validate that I was the recipient of abusive behavior and a smear campaign, your comment makes it easier to understand some of why they didn't/couldn't and to not take it so personally (which I have done for a long time now). Gonna chew on this...
The quick and simple definition of “politics”: The struggle for power.
Or worse, well that person (abuser) never treated me that way, therefore you (the true victim) must be lying and/or I will continue my relationship with the abuser
@@Sophia-uu1im True. They judge by appearances only, not with right judgement (John 7:24). They take the wide and easy path to destruction foretold by Christ in Matthew 7:13. They are emotionally retarded cowards.
Me over here making sure that I indeed wasn't the abuser, finding reassurance and then feeling bad again thinking maybe I'm just here to justify something bad I did to them. Everytime I think I understand and feel some closure I come back later. Unbelievable how some people can mess you up and make you doubt everything about yourself.
I was feeling confused watching this video, because when my ex narcissist husband and I were in a therapy session, I was the one gradually becoming disregulated. I was getting upset because of his calm demeanor as he lied and denied accountability for things and the therapist sat there believing him. I had set up our appointment so that I could get actual help with a professional 3rd party and it backfired. It's a confusing situation and I wish you the all the best.
If you feel that way there's a high chance you were gaslighted into doing and saying things you didn't truly mean. You were manipulated, narrcassist don't reflect like that. Your good
Im so sorry =[ im right there with you. I was doing the same thing over and over, thinking "was i the abuser? Am i the narcissist?" It's so crazy making. Something that's helped me a lot, is that narcissists and abusers don't introspect like that. They don't question if they were abusive, because they don't care. The very doubt we feel is the very thing that can be reassuring. And also, this rollercoaster is so awful and im so sorry you went through this.
I am so the same as you!! I feel I go through that cycle over and over again in my head. In this video what really helped me out is when she made the simple difference of truth seeker and truth avoider. I am always willing to look at myself even if I agree it’s very hard to do sometimes.
The relationships in my life make me feel abandoned in the sense that when I feel I have a simple issue that could be resolved with someone, they end up making me feel on my own with it which has caused me to abandon my own sense of self over time because my spirit was never given space or acknowledgment by them.
That is why I feel I go in so many circles and end up abandoning myself because I’m trained to not have problems by these types of people. I enable how they treat me and the only way to change that is to stand for what I truly feel and go through circulating thoughts but in the end choosing to stay true to me.
Hope this helps you too!!
@@lmarie4021 i definitely get what you mean, where we abandon self advocacy to receive acceptance. Somewhere along the way (probably early childhood) i got the notion that i had to earn love, and then mirror that sentiment with adult relationships. (I think it's called repetition compulsion) makes me an easy target for narcissistic abuse =/ but I'm working on it 😊
FINALLY the first video I’ve seen on this important issue!
As an ex-educator I was sick of seeing schools almost always siding with the faux-victims.. because it’s easier to give-in to the kid that’s the most entitled. The most entitled is always the abuser.
The Public Fool System is a narc infested prison of indoctration into a narc infested society. What else did you expect?
I wish the police and courts are trained for this. My narcissist ex would put on the most dramatic performances of victimhood and portrays me as crazy, jealous, insecure etc.. because I am holding him accountable. He slandered me in front of everyone who would listen and turned many people against me, all while stalking me and terrorizing me for 1.5 years. It's so traumatizing. Last PPO hearing in court, he claimed to be innocent, that I am the one stalking him, that something is wrong with me etc.. I was so terrified of how believable he can be and that the judge would fall for all his lies and projections! Luckily the judge let him speak long enough to incriminate himself further, then when she pulled out all the evidence he looked like an absolute nut case. But the police believed him before when he told them I am trying to ruin his life out of vengeance etc.. when in reality he was stalking me non-stop, making my life hell, and violating the court's orders over and over again.
The police AND courts are ran by these people. Jus as well as these yt'ers. The crazies truly run the asylum.
💅🏽
My ex was a little more obvious. I was lucky. He told the judge it was HIS fault we were divorcing (the judge's), that HE was why he couldn't see his kids, and that he ( my ex) was raised a certain way and the world had a different way of doing things.
My ex was a true nutjob narcissist to the core.
Yes. Your exact points here are what is making it difficult to reach out for help from the court system. It's a scary thought, but I feel stuck.
ME TOO...
Thank God you stayed strong! I’m about to go through something similar. We’re gonna have to take the legal route. We thought we could handle the problems within the family. I wish I had started reporting sooner to have a legal trail of evidence on my side. I believe that things will work out though. I know God loves me and wants the best for me! God bless you! Thank you for standing your ground. People like you have paved the way for others to get the justice they deserve. ❤
The way you tell the difference is look at who is legitimately confused and who is not.
I never heard of DARVO:
Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender
(Just currently experiencing a case)
How accurate!
yes it is a very detailed term. I think I would oversimpliefied prior to this by refering to it as projection with some additional explaination to help add context. DARVO does a nice job identifying the entire process.
I learned about DAROVO right after an ex beat me up and told the police that I was lying and attacked him. He did exactly what the initials stand for.
It's so refreshing getting a Christian take on this, thank you. Therapy and scripture really helped me grapple with how I had become trauma bonded. My therapist said the fact that I was an open book with everything including our entire texting history showed that I wanted the truth known, not just my story. It felt so good just to be believed by an impartial 3rd party.
Many psychologist end up diagnosing the wrong person in divorce cases. I was told I had a personality disorder despite being married to a physically violent woman. Then, when she was caught leaving my then two year old son for 30 mins home alone and getting caught by police, she project and deflect and all of the sudden they realized who the more stable parent was. Here is a hint: it wasn't the mother because the narcissistic mask came off.
The old saying is the villain is great at playing the victim.
That's the problem with over relying on gender stereotypes, it doesn't matter if 99% of the cases are one way. A professional has to be able to evaluate the situation independent of those biases and then weigh that against the usual narrative.
“Many psychologists end up diagnosing the wrong person”….interesting claim. Says more about your nature than anything to make such a self serving statement. You must be the exact type she is talking about..Let me ask, do you possess self awareness at all? To say something like that you must really not like what the professionals have deemed you as….with merit they certainly have. Not something you should proudly admit.
@@cieltheeditor7922 I'm a science teacher and father's rights supporter. The Minnesota Personality test has been proven to be obsolete and extremely flawed. It's the narcissist best friend and the victim of narcissistic abuse biggest enemy.
The fact that the mother was caught by police leaving a two year old home alone for a half hour proved she was unstable and knew how to put on a believable act. We are also finding out that many psychologist end mental health experts are not very stable then themselves. Some of them are playing God with the family court system. You should have seen how one attorney just destroyed this psychologist in the court room. Even the judge called the psychiatrist a disgrace.
@@cieltheeditor7922 You seem quite triggered by @johnshafer7214's comment and are making some pretty hefty judgments about someone you've never met. Perhaps look in the mirror because I think you may be projecting.
I'm sorry you had to deal with that
It is very tiring. I escaped a narc relationship and family ties. [sister/mother/niece] after 30 years. Distance helps and these wise teachings bring revelations and wisdom. I did not have the vocab for my circumstances all my life other than constant emotional assualt and verbal/emotional abuse. But thank God for this wisdom and God's leading to this platform. There is hope and there is healing on the other side.
This exactly my ex wife did. Our Therapist advised her for a Psychological evaluation. My Narc couldn’t handle the possible truth: she blame shifted: she then began plans a for a Divorce: she was weeks ahead and started a Smear Campaign in our Parish. She was so effective at this, My own priest became a “ flying monkey “ for her, as well as others. I still to this day cannot go back to that Parish. I taught Sunday School there for 20 years and Chanted for 27 years. Just for starters. This was not enough. Parishioners judged me and discarded me along with my ex wife. A true nightmare. Almost like, getting life in prison for a crime that was never committed.
It NEVER ceases to amaze me HOW THE HELL NARCS ARE ABLE TO SO EASILY CONVINCE EVERYONE!!!
It's MADDENING to have to live through the experience of people who've known & been friends w/ you FOR YEARS......just accept whatever subtly negative thing the Narc decides to say about you during their smear campaign.
I really feel for you. I lost my entire family & church community bc of it...
Surely they will eventually see her ways
This is precisely what happened to me - almost verbatim. There were so many trusted friends and leaders in my church who vilified me, I can’t ever imagine going back to a church or any kind of organized religious institution again; I just no longer can see the point. I’m processing through the pain and am at peace with my new perspective and relationship with God, although it has little to do with anything resembling common, Christian-based theologies. It’s sad, but that said, the mind and words of Christ have become even more real and alive to me.
Most of the time the narc alienates everyone from you…I’ve lived it, and I feel your pain. My mother, my sister, are severe narcs so I know women can be expert abusers.
@@audrajeanrussell8066 I know, right? I have found that most people will believe the first person who gossips to them…the narc knows this and makes sure they are the first out of the gate. Also, the victim is usually hurt and ashamed and tends not to tell anyone about the abuse until the narc has alienated their entire support system.
This is very true! Throughout my 44 year marriage, my husband had me convinced that our problem was because I was from a broken home and had “childhood issues”. While that may have been somewhat true, he would NEVER look within and his hypocritical pharisaical pattern of behaviors. His pride and arrogance has his heart completely hardened and his covert tactics are so well honed until he believes his lies.
I survived 37 years. my mom died at age 9. he cheated since day 1. I never cheated. we had 3 children, they are raised now, so I finally left, he was always at the ER, drama drama drama.
That's why I get suspicious when people act like the other person is the problem. A mod on OOTF is like that, StarboardSong. He acts like his wife and her family is the problem not realizing that he's with her. Why would he be with her if he's so much better unless of course he likes that dynamic?
Oh wow - when my wife of 15 years almost had me convinced that I was a narcissist, I turned to a Christian counsellor to”get fixed” (her words), it was painful as I began to uncover the truth. The narcissist in our marriage wasn’t me. But she used my upbringing in a dysfunctional family to convince me. I denied this new truth for many years. It is sad and tragic.
Sometimes they won't play the victim because they tried it before and they didn't get the results they wanted. They think no one cares because they couldn't possibly understand when in reality that person was probably playing their therapist. Maybe you just have really good boundaries or they're waiting for you to get fed up so they can cry to their friends.
Awww, I feel so sorry for you. I'm stuck atm in a situation due to money and ill health. The long term effects are pretty catastrophic. I hope you're living the best life ever. I plan to when I can get out in God's time.
I was so worried before listening like the gaslighting he did still comes through sometimes leaving me still questioning my perspective. Watching this I started crying because this is everything he did and still does and I'm hiding away everyday feeling like no one gets it, people still question the situation and from the time I made the decision that I had to leave for my sanity and safety until now 3 years later my heart sometimes still cries because all I ever wanted was for him to prove me wrong about who he is or could be. It still tears me up some days.
Same here. 1.5 years later still hoping for nothing
The only way to heal is by completely blocking and going no contact with the narcissist. They will never change for the better because they cannot. These people are not authentic and evil
@Anne Williams I was awarded a CPO in 2020, he violated it March 2021 and was given 2 years of probation then and I haven't seen him since. These are things I teach from having ran a Behavioral Health Clinic at Ft Hood and having had to already navigate through the dynamic since 2011.
@Anne Williams he is a BPD and I have avoidant tendencies when I'm around unhealthy behaviors. I've always been the first to go cold on people since childhood. He used manipulation, gas lighting, tried physical control ect. Anything to keep me stuck in the cycle so I wouldn't leave him. I had to do it delicately. Still triggered his bpd.
@@candyvarvel I’m sorry you had to go through that. I agree that you have to be very careful and have a safe plan for leaving. These people are so dangerous
As a young black man who was mistreated by a cult (didn't know it at the time) your videos ARE SPOT ON, I MEAN DETAIL AFTER DETAIL, praise the Lord Jesus Christ!
Dear Steven, not knowing that you are being mistreated or abused is not your fault. A big part of any abuse, especially that of a narcissist, is deceitfulness. Abusers are masters of deception and they use others for their own ends. Yes, Shaneen’s s videos are spot - on about narcissism and the Bible, praise God! It is a huge relief to hear and see that she understands our situation; this brings us out of the isolation that the abuse brought on. Praise Jesus Christ our Lord! From Alayna
I hate those people too! They make whites look like the bad guy. I just wanna get along with everyone cause it's the stress free life. We're all humans PERIOD. Love ya and God bless! 🤗
ME T00
Check out Bible Study 101 here on RUclips. It's live nightly... Only if you want to hear the TRUTH and not the usual watered down gospel that most get their ears tickled by.
scientology?
I was so gaslighted that I was wondering if I was the narcissist in this relationship. Thank you so much for clarifying things to me. I made mistakes, it's true, but I've been trying to repair them ever since. All he wants is to play victim and never considers what he did wrong. The blame is always all mine.
Thank god for this video. Questioned myself so much after a smear campaign. This video helped me keep what's left of my sanity
When I was trying to discern who was who one thing I thought of was..who’s the one cowering in the corner and sometimes shaking and who’s the one who’s always doing the yelling and attacking. They would chase after me and scream at me in anger and rage when no one else was around.
Narcissists don’t want to lose their flying monkey supplies because they might be able to see that the narcissist is really the abuser. They often attack when they get you alone.
This helped me to differentiate between the two.
Were you an ousider here or were you one of the two in the abusive relationship?
This is a horribly inaccurate method, since men are taught to express negative emotion through rage, and women through crying.
If the man is the abuser and the woman the victim, the man will be yelling and the woman will be crying.
If the woman is the abuser and the man the victim, the man will still be yelling and the woman will still be crying.
I have no idea why you would think these gender-based outward expressions prove anything. Obviously a man who is abused by a woman will be more likely to act out agressively rather than cowering. It'd called toxic masculinity, look it up
You should look up the term ‘reactive abuse’ then you’ll see why only looking for the one who is ‘cowering in the corner’ can be very misleading.
Very often a sly, cunning, covert narcissist will set up this exact scenario in public but behind doors it’s entirely the other way round.
@@vickyb6588 Thank you! Nice to know my conclusion based purely on logical reasoning and no actual knowledge of the subject was correct, and that there is even a dedicated term that refers to the phenomenon I described. Definitely going to remember that ^^
@@vickyb6588 spot on!
Sounds like the narc is a very good actor.
Yes. The ones I've encountered certainly do have a knack for wearing a mask 🎭
Fakes, liars with no conscience
That's exactly why I'm scared of people who did theatre now. My ex had this hobby & looked so fake sometimes that I repeated him "We're not in a movie"
@@sailorPinata I believe it's in the book of 1st Corinthians ch 12, if my memory serves me correctly, wherein it states there's a gift from God of: "discerning of spirits"? over the years, I've come to think it's probable that we get a "vibe" or a "spidy-sense" or a 6th sense about someone or something or even a geographic area. So, pray that we get the discernment & that we act on the warning appropriately ⚠️ or 🛑.
Their entire life is an act. They master it early on. They also master reading other people to find their weaknesses and strengths. Everything they do is designed for manipulation. The last thing they want is to be themselves.
It's becoming more and more clear that narcissism is completely unavoidable in this country and REGARDLESS of where you go you absolutely MUST endure the toxic psychological warfare of these psychopaths
They've always been around, all over the world we're just becoming aware of them. Combine this with the fact that social media and politics are places where they congregate, and it can start to feel like they're more prevalent than ever, when they were always here, we just didn't recognise them and they didn't advertise themselves on social media.
My mom was not a narcissist. She was hurt and that affected her her entire life. But she never blamed her upbringing. She shared her experiences and talked about how God healed her. She never wanted vengeance.
Clarity.
Wow. God bless you sister for posting this video. It has clarified so much for me. I have battled with being fearful that I am the narcissist or maybe a lesser one. When I ask close, Godly friends and family (my daughter who has also been affected by her father) they have reassured me, that I am not. 😰 Someone told me that if I was the narcissist, I probably would deny it and not be worried about that I might be. Kind of like the unforgivable sin issue … worrying you may have committed it points to the fact that you probably haven’t committed it because you still have a conscience and it isn’t seared yet.
Very helpful! Actually helped me recognize that I am the victim. Like many of us, I went into a season of self-doubt where I had to really look into my own life to see if I was the source of this mess. This has helped me recognize that my need to tell my story to a few people for support revealed a very different goal than the slander campaign that was leveled against me.
The narcissist does a really good job of making you believe that you are the abuser. I think it’s called gaslighting and you’re left feeling very confused about everything. In my experience they managed to convince many people that they were the victims. This video clarifies who is and who isn’t the victim.
@@christar9527 Thanks for the support. I felt like I was going crazy for a long time. Videos like this one helped me understand what was really happening. Still leaves me with no place to go with this, but helps to recognize what is happening.
They leave you so confused and traumatised. They know they can shift blame and that your personality will allow this to happen. Going through it at the moment. Constantly wonder where I went wrong.
This really helped me to understand/confirm a toxic relationship with my parents after 65 yrs......never too late to free that type of burden.
Love you shanine Megji .. sorry if I spelled your name wrong. I'm very impressed with your calling in God to bring clarity and healing where narc abuse has brought destruction.. you have such a wonderful restorative mantle.. praise the lord Jesus for you, your channel is a true light to people,both the unwitting general public and the recovering abused or those in the snare. God bless you 🙏 xx
Remarkable woman
❤️
It gets so messy when you are dealing with a narcissistic person who is very into self help stuff. My ex used to frequently accuse me of not being "curious" and not wanting to explore perspectives. He had me convinced that I was the problem and if only I could be more "open" then things would be better at home. He devoured self help and self improvement material and I see now that he uses the skills he learns to manipulate those around him to get his way.
Perhaps the craziest thing is when these disordered people are so delusional to genuinely not see that they are not improving their lives in any way. My ex has spiraled to insane places since I left. And while I don't rejoice in the ways he has fallen, I have no place in his life to help him anymore, and I owe him nothing, because all he ever did was confuse me and hurt me.
That might be a new category of narcissism the new age/hippie narc lol
@@leahflower9924 I think you hit the nail on the head!
Honestly, I thought my ex husband was so amazing and enlightened, and I often joked about how he could be a cult leader. It's not so funny anymore, because I understand the harm he is capable of. And my whole journey learning about narcissism has made me so leery of spiritual leaders and movements-- even my own faith, I am questioning and wondering about.
@@leahflower9924
That's the disguise some use and
I've encountered a few. And it's a really good disguise as it's not expected.
There are plenty of the genuine article though so it's not the norm.
@@leahflower9924 It's not new. Just a different mask.
Yes, it falls under the umbrella of needing to be superior to others. My husband used to say ALL the time "you just don't want to better yourself". He would talk a great game especially in front of other people to make me look like a lazy POS!
This is the best video I have seen on how to Spot the difference between a narcisistic abuse victim and a narcisist who plays the victim. Thank you so much Sister ❤ God bless you.
Hurt people “hurt people so the thing is if any of us are abused long enough we might “become like them to “ survive… this had me thinking! Tired of dealing with toxic narcissists family dynamics ugh!
My relationship was so so full of toxicity and abuse… My ex said I was a narcissist and I allowed him to put the blame on me.. I now have PTSD and auto immune disorders 😢 Working on my own childhood trauma and co dependency xxx
I’m so sorry you developed autoimmune diseases. 😢 the whole thing of narc abuse right down to illnesses is just so not right. I hope God heals you!
Hugs. Right there with you.
I'm a victim, and I am absolutely interested in justice (not revenge) and accountability.
That was so helpful! When she mentioned asking each side what role they played, I got really nervous because victim blaming is so core to abuse, but she fixed that very nicely right away. With info like this becoming available, I feel the days of hopeless narcissistic abuse are on their last leg.
Please keep educating and speaking out! you think you’re insane until someone explains a narcissist to you. Gaslighting is true trauma. Let alone having to go through the court systems with a narcissist.
Thank you for hitting on the motives for each person! I feel like that will help so many people because you can’t understand this unless you’ve been through it! Having been through it, it still doesn’t make sense.
I'm enduring all those DARCO issues you spoke of. I'm exhausted and drained beyond words.
It is well Laurel. Stand your ground in faith and let thee teachings mininster to you. There is victory waiting for you .
Laurel, learn to grey rock. It’s not a total solution, but it’s a beginning and will bring you a measure of peace. Blessings to you, sister.
@@lisajohnson4744 Thank you Lisa. I have begun doing just that. It seems to be coming quite naturally as I'm at a loss for any other way of responding to him that works at the all. You're right, it does not solve everything because it's just no way to have to live. It's just not in my nature to live this way. Blessings on you. 💜
It truly sucks the life out of you. I’m dying inside, after 29 years of it.
@@laurelvance5533 I was the same way. I didn't even know I was dealing with NPD, much less what "gray rock" was. But I also did it naturally. When I had had enough, I realized that I had already been essentially single-momming it for the whole last year anyway. Didn't even need to make adjustments. I just had more money and less stress after he was gone. That said, it's damaging to go gray rock too long. I hope you might find a therapist who knows about CPTSD, who may help you while you are still in the relationship, and also after. ❤🐻
Thank you for your amazing videos, my sister. You're full of wisdom and discernment. My testimony: After being an atheist for 8+ years, and "married" to another female, I got the urge one day to say out loud "IF there is an Almighty God that does NOT wish us pain or sorrow, please bring me truth, I wish to know you exist". Then God immediately started bringing me the answers I had been searching 8-11 YEARS for! I witnessed Him take control of my internet and the rest of my reality; He first proved to me that demons exist (I called them "inter-dimensional beings"), then He proved His own existence, which I later found to be Jesus Christ. As soon as I found Jesus at the end of 2020, He IMMEDIATELY took away my transgenderism, bisexuality, depression, daily suicide attempts, self harm, bulimia and anorexia; and He did this all without me asking Him to, because THAT'S how merciful and loving He is! Praise God!
What a powerful testimony! To God be the glory. May you grow closer and closer to Him!
WOW!! What an incredible testimony! Thank you for sharing! God is so good!!
Hallelujah!🙏♥️
God is so good! Thank you for sharing your amazing testimony of God's goodness to you!
I would love to have your info on Facebook.
Ty , you are healing so many and myself as well! God Bless you !
I heard from another psychologist that narcissist and other toxic persons were originally victims of intense trauma but they choose to be stuck in their victim mentality and use it to justify their abusive behaviors. While real victims always tries to understand what happens to them and actively makes effort to change their situation they don’t use their victims hood to become abusive themselves because of their empathy contrary to narcissist.
"real victims always tries to understand what happens to them and actively makes effort to change their situation"
I have to push back at this statement. There are so many victims of abuse who don't do the heavy work of dealing with their trauma, but they do not become abusers. One does not equal the other.
Though I do agree that narcissistic people likely were wounded in a way that caused such a deep sense of pain that they developed a truly ineffective (and harmful) way of coping. There is so little research on Cluster B disorders, much of what we think we understand is just the best guesses of early research. There may be a genetic component. In fact, ASPD really seems to have a genetic predisposition (especially psychopathy, less so with sociopathy). I would be shocked if NPD didn't also have a genetic factor that, when combined with certain environments, could trigger a fracturing in a person that takes a sad and dark turn.
Not true. Most narcs were spoiled rotten brats. And it is genetic anyway...see Genesis 3:15 and Psalm 58:3-5. If trauma caused narcissism, every victim/scapegoat of this EVIL ABUSE would be a full blown narcissist!!
@@reesedaniel5835 I am sorry, or maybe I am not, but your opinion really means very little compared to the studies that have been and are being done. While I am a person of faith, I understand that you can't win an argument with faith based reasoning. Please don't make the mistake of thinking you can.
Your response shows a very clear lack of any real understanding of narcissism or how these personalities are formed. Do a little research and then we can talk.
A victim can become a victimizer.
Not all narcissists!! Some were just spoiled and entitled and given special treatment at the expense of others and now they feel like thats how the world is supposed to treat them and get vindictive when anyone tells them the truth about their value being less than average.
Thank you for this video. Raised by a narc and a genuine psychopath, I often question if I am the problem, if I am the narcissist, if I am the abuser, or if I am just coping or trying to protect myself. This video really spells out the nuance between who is the victim and who is the abuser. It can be especially confusing in the parent child situation, because the parents literally raise the child to be like them, while simultaneously punishing the child for the unethical behavior. The narc parent will set up the double standard to commit this abusive behavior on the child but when the child does the same behavior they are met with shame and condemnation.
Oh, thankyou,. This is exactly what I'm experiencing. DARVO. It took yrs for my friends to understand and a mental health practitioner doesn't 'get' it, so I don't take her too seriously anymore. I can't leave the situation at this time but have a long term goal of getting out of this situation and not EVER going back. Thanks for your work, it's so validating.
Well explained Shaneen. I divorced a female covert and dealt with exactly what you spoke of.
I've been feeling ashamed about sharing my story, particularly online. Despite trying to be clear that I was sharing to process and to help others who might receive the same treatment, I lost a lot of friends. Thank you for helping me realize that it's a normal part of the processing.
Been in this narc/empath relationship for almost 7 yrs. I definitely have more issues than when I entered the relationship. Just ended a almost 20 yr best friendship after I told her everything I had been keeping secret out of shame, & she told me some stuff that had happened in my absences. After I confront my narc & have a major blowout my "best friend" decides she needs to "clear up" things with my narc. I feel so betrayed. Have been trying to heal from childhood trauma & now all of this things from this relationship & mourn people I thought were my support system. She even told him some things between me & her. Trying to be sane in this getting harder. My narc has gotten away with everything. Even things that don't involve me, he's done no jail time. I'm ashamed really. And he's so well spoken. Can even produce tears. Pray for me🙏🏽
Thank you for this video. I found your videos recently and recently found God too after enduring an abusive relationship with a narcissist. I have struggled with thinking I wasn’t loving or present enough. Gaslighting really messes with your perception of reality. The fact of the matter is he frightened me often and has a long history of abusing his partners and is in jail now, hopefully this is when he self reflects and heals too. These videos have been paramount in my healing journey. So thank you for your hard work and wise words. 🙏
You're right on about their behavior! You described my sister perfectly. She treated me badly and then lied to many friends and others about me, painting herself as a victim. ...and of course I'm the big meanie for going no contact. Life is peaceful without her in it. Pity, she's my only sibling.
@dannymiller1882 Yes.
@dannymiller1882 California
@dannymiller1882 Hi! 👋
This is one subject I've brought up about narcissists many a time. If a therapist has a victim and a narcissistic abuser both walk into a therapy session their stories would be almost identical. Both will point at each other and recite the same accusations almost like it's written in a script.
This is, of course, because the victim is describing genuine abuse but the narcisist is mirroring that abuse both by being aware of what they're doing but also mimicking their victim.
Thank you so much, it has been over 30 years, and I am just now able to feel vindication.
This! You are The First to explain exactly what I have felt for 30 years 🥲. Ive listened to video after video, read books, attended group therapy, individual therapy & still left feeling I was the one to blame. I’ve subscribed, ordered Navigating Transition, and will be in touch for coaching. I was at the point of not wanting to be here anymore. Doubting my whole existence. ♥️ Thank you for posting this video. I’m certain you have touched many of us.
I’m glad for this video as I have been struggling with understanding how to process my narcissistic sister, and her stepdaughter’s lies and abuse. I thought I knew them, but I was shown that I was entirely wrong, and that has caused me more pain than I have ever experienced before. It’s hard to understand how people can be so literally destroyed, and then know that they have actually destroyed themselves and continue to do so. My experience exactly followed what you said here. All I wanted to do is tell people what it happened, but I only told my pastor and three other persons at church. I have to admit I have been extremely angry at times with them both, but the Lord in His mercy has allowed me to see them for the destroyed souls they actually are. I still struggle to pray for them as I need and ought too, but I know the Lord will help me with this as well. All while knowing they are bad-mouthing me to anyone who will listen. However, I know I’ll never accept them back in my life due to what I now know. I give thanks to our God for His healing, His guidance, our trials He brings into our lives and His perfect Will.
I just want to give you a hug. 💛
@@jennifermoore4246 thank you! I needed that!!
Hugs…
I have a narsisistic parent. I moved out when I was 18 and I went no contact. She's had ppl stalk me throughout my 7 or 8 years of no contact. I've managed to avoid her for the most part but every other year or so she catches me alone and off guard. Often she will corner me in the streets demanding to "just talk" witch quickly leads to "just need u with me" "just visit me" "move back home" almost every time I've needed to involve police. 6 times out of 10 police are helpful and they are eager to get me to safety
Last time I encountered her however she and her partner chased me down the street and pinned me into a stranger's vehicle. When I got police involved and explained the situation they were going to take me home but then HER mother came out to scream at me and I was triggered all over again. Long story short she and her mother spend 20 minutes talking to the police while I sat in the back of the cruiser waiting to go home. Together my parent and her parent (who I haven't spoken to on 7 years) convinces the police that I'm looking to unalive myself and they take me into 72 hour watch. My shrink didn't understand why I was there and let me out a day early.
I can't afford a lawyer and she tends to stretch out her encounters with me but what I'd like to know is how I can dissociate from my emotions when she puts her hands on me again. How do I not react when she forces herself into me in public when people seem to walk by like this is an every day encounter.
I honestly just want to keep away from the toxicity
Side note. I've never been more at peace then when I cut 99% of my family out
I was in such relationship for almost 25 years. And the person who is looking frazzled or acting out can just as be the victim, because they are being setup. They are at the end of their rope. So they come across unhinged, as oppose to the abuser looking calm, rational & reasonable. It's almost impossible to figure out who is the abuser. Even people who have witnessed the abusive events can still be manipulated into becoming flying monkeys, adults & children alike. So there is no way to know. Don't forget that the vast majority of them being male, go for younger, naive, inexperienced nubiles, as I once was. They choose very carefully, who they establish relationships with, outside of the forced relationships that happen in the work place. This is why I advocate for people like you with platforms, to start advocating for the general population to start getting psychological testing. Anyone who wants to get married, have kids or get into a long-term relationship, to save money to get themselves & their partner tested to eliminate this confusion. Those people are too good, they adapt depending on their prey etc... Just like an STD test, or a credit score or a prenup, people have to start asking for those test results.
40-60 years ago they required blood tests to make sure the couples were compatible. This prevented a lot of mixed marriages (narc and empath unions). They stopped doing that and now narcissism is wide spread. People need to marry the same blood type for a compatible marriage. The powers that shouldn't be are Cluster Bees themselves so they don't want you to know that. They are attempting to outbreed and genocide all the true empaths (God's people).
this happened to me, I was 21 (never had been in a relationship before) and completely unaware that human beings were even capable of being so malicious; let alone have the 'bad luck' of that person being my first partner. he was 15 years older than me, i might add
thank god i got out after only 4 years of sinister abuse and trauma, can't even fathom what another decade or two would've done to my sense of self and general outlook. trying to recover is difficult when the experience has shaped your perception of the world and your place within it. feel miserable at all times. sometimes i drink... to forget
New to understanding DARVA, and clearly see how my (estranged, narcissistic) wife plays victim with everyone she can. I have had people ask me about the spiral downward, and (when I realized trust) I always began with my role in the demise of the marriage.
Thank you for this.
2:58 From this point on you very accurately described my sister!!! I've only ever wanted her to take responsibility for everything she's done, but she believes she's done nothing wrong. Ever. She had even gone as far as to turn my brothers against me. They are much younger and have never really witnessed everything she's done over the years. So much damage over so many years. She's always the "victim". Ugh!
Divine intervention..🙏🙏 after almost a year of separation and therapy and depression, i readied myself to start the divorce proceedings. A week of negotiations with my"husband" and with all his "love" and "blaming everyone(this time his family for poisoning our marriage)", i was considering reconnecting and may be giving our marriage another chance. This was last night and today morning, RUclips Gods sent me your video. Every step, every FUCKING step is exactly what i went through..i was slandered and gaslighted so bad.. i lost my family, my career, my finances, my mind and most of all my dignity and self confidence... Thank you for reminding me the cost of trusting an abusive man 🙏🙏
I sti think it's hard for an outsider to tell the difference. Narcissists are fabulous myth builders
My husband should have had a profitable acting career. He fooled a lot of people for a very long time . I thought I was Married to a decent man until he himself told me who he really was. Then he told me what a joke it was to so many of his monkeys that I was STUPID and never caught on. I obviously trusted some pretty mean people .I am old and wiser. I do not trust people anymore. That is the lonely reality that I now live with.
When our marriage counselor asked what I was looking to get out of divorce, my immediate response was: "Peace and freedom"
Fantastic episode. So clear and accurate about the behaviors and issues at stake. Thanks for helping others in such a significant way!
@dannymiller1882 I'm reporting you for spamming.
Thank you ,very timely.
I'm so glad the video was helpful. Bless you!
Outstandingly informative video presentation about this abhorrent behavior. Thank you!
this is so helpful. i wish i could talk to you right now about how i am being scapegoated at a new church i am attending. i confided in an elder about my hurt, abuse, pain and the next thing you know im being run out of the church and shunned. he totally flipped the script when i confronted him. played the victim , started a smear campain, using bible verses and manipulation of people in the shadows. they all conveniently ignored matthew 18 and the whole time i was so aware of what was going to happen to me but i was powerless to do anything because i was unwilling to gossip and seek allies.
This should go to every boss or person in a position of leadership everywhere. They always believe the narcissist. They fall for it every time.
This was a brilliant video, very correct. As the victim being smeared and now getting character references to prove that I blew up at him (I did.... after two freaking years of tolerating it).
@ 9:14, this video is so confirming! Only yesterday I remembered this event, after hearing the whole week Yashuah saying "The Truth shall make you free."..And this tool to discern who is who, essential! Have a Highly Blessed 2023!
Thank you so much for these videos, Shaneen. They, and you, have been an answer to prayer. I was desperate to understand narcissism from a Christian perspective, as I was beginning to realise that my parents, and especially my mother, were narcissistic. I struggled to live God's Word, as they are not safe to be around or have contact with. I have found so much healing and understanding through these videos, still a long way to go, but this one has been so timely, God has been gently nudging me to watch. Thank you so much for answering His call, and for the ministry that you do. Bless you.
It’s so true that they can’t answer the question of what’s their part in the relationship struggles.
I tried that approach in one of the last talks I tried to have with hik to try and better the relationship. I started with my own unhelpful habits and hoped that he would do the same after I finished.
But he just thought about it for 2 seconds and then answered: “I always let myself be pushed into a corner”.
This coming from the most oppositional man I have ever met made my jaw drop. You seriously think that over the course of ten years you have done nothing wrong? He raged at me all the time, tried to run smear campaigns against me in my won friend group, was frequently unkind and criticised every move I made. No matter how small, like cutting a bell pepper for crying out loud.
This remark made me realise that I had to leave. Either he’s delusional or a liar. Actually he is both.
OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!! THANK YOU so much!!!!!! You have broken this down in such a way that I have a more objective view and can understand. It's like you have analyzed my story without even hearing it!! I no longer feel so confused.
@danny Miller of course
@@debra05 That person is a spammer/troll.
Online is pretty much for respectful thought sharing (ideally I would hope). Anyone looking at this video I send general encouragement to. That is what I gathered from it.
When watching this video, I can't believe how accurately they describe my covert narc of an ex-husband's behaviour after we broke up. We share a RUclips channel, and he used that platform big time for DARVO.
07:51 An Abuser engaging in DARVO (deny, attack, reverse-victim, and offender) has the following interests:
1) to avoid being held accountable
2) to not lose their reputation
3) maintain their status in the eyes of people
4) not lose the benefits they've been able to have through their abuse
Being in it, you feel so alone, you feel like you're going crazy, your body becomes exhausted and ill, and you THINK it's something just you are experiencing, something that you're doing wrong... but then when you are finally away from them you search for answers to explain their behavior. How can they act one way to the outside world, and act so differently when you're alone?
Then you see the comments and stories from other victims of narcissistic abuse, it is incredible similar and somehow, it's healing to know that you are NOT insane. I'm doing much better now, still healing, I hope you all on the healing path as well.
Blameshifting is utterly cruel and little by little is shadowing the compassion and empathy (teamwork) between a person/people to grow together.
Therefore, during and afterwards the results of blameshifting is just plain devastating
Absolutely agree with you! Blameshifting is another facet of narcissistic abuse. It’s another layer of abuse on top of the initial abuse. And is Very Painful.
Thank you for that video
I agree. Speaking out can be a form of self defense - especially if the narc is in a position of power and "credibility".
Peace and Blessings, thank you for your wonderful videos and insight! I feel you must have had difficulties of your own that you had to overcome because you have such a unique perspective and such a clear way of explaining things; God's Holy Spirit is working through you, I am so grateful for finding your channel!
I was in a toxic relationship. I just wanted to be heard, so I wrote a message about what happened and how I felt about it. To be called selfish. I wasn't heard or understood, I found myself met with blame and hatered.
I felt belittled and unimportant in my marriage. To be blamed for how I felt, and some of the things my ex said made no sense knowing the true facts.
His response was to gaslight me. Blaming my father for taking him to the bar, the New Years Eve of 84. I couldn't wrap my head around it.
I thought hard about it, how can that be? My father died in July that year.
This was gaslighting! Purred and simple. I ended up getting help to cope with the contradictory thoughts I was dealing with. The man I was married to was afraid to take responsibility for his action, which was a plain to see. I have grown over the years and have no one in my life because it is easier to handle than irresponsible people. I have been alone since 2016 and doing well.
@danny Miller yes.
@dannymiller1882 You are a shameless troll. Go away.
@danny Miller yes we can be friends. I am from everywhere. I am a military brat.
I have no claim on any one place.
@danny Miller let's talk here for a while. I really don't do other platforms. Too many problems.
@danny Miller Sewing, leaning new things, outdoor survival, camping, fishing, computers, research, and travel.
Thank you for this Video! It's a question that many times I wondered! Very exhaustive and makes a lot of sense!
I feel I want to add something that should be granted but unfortunately not always is: when it comes with parents/children relationship (especially when the victims are little kids), children are ALWAYS the victim.
There is no way in the earth that a children can "play the victim to get their parents in trouble". But, an adult may have all the interest in shifting their responsibility to a kid. It's simple survival instinct. The littles depends from adult protection, while, most of the time children are a "burden" for some parents. In that case is always uneven, don't waste your time analyzing the situation, protect the child!
Been fighting with myself over this for about five years.... was still attached for more than ten years, but in the relationship for my wholelifetime. Not heal yet. Getting better each day, yet, still feel sorry for whomever hurt me. The sense of being at fault lingers still. Whomever, not naming, took all the friends and most family members, except my siblings. After all the soul searching, this video makes so much sense and the information make me understand why I am the way I am now.
Thank you for clarifying this for me. I feared that i was the one that was gaslighting him.
This is the first video that I have seen that explains the smear campaigns and identifying the abuser and victim so well. For 4 years my narcissist smear campaigns convinced all his friends and our couples therapist I was the abuser. I even have video on the house camera of him talking lies and manipulating a narrative about me to someone on the phone. He was an emotional and explosive man then he would demand I hug him after abusing me. The cycle of smear campaigns, brutal cruelty and punishment have left me a shattered person feeling betrayed by God for sending him to me after I prayed for a partner. I am finally free from this horrible man and am hoping to heal from all the twisted story’s , blame, punishment and cruelty I endured.
It's hard to heal, but we can do it!!
I highly recommend you check out Dr. Ramani's channel. She is one of the leading clinical psychologists working in the field of Narcissitic abuse, and her channel has been more helpful t me than in person therapy!
God didn't send that narc to you.....Satan did. Don't blame God, He warned you to "test the spirits" before tying the knot with someone.
@@reesedaniel5835 you need to cut out the victim blaming. If you knew the first thing about highly narcissistic people, you would understand that they have such a good mask that it can take a lot before the victim sees the true person.
If you want to abide by the path that Jesus taught, I suggest you judge not.
Thank you so much for outlining this information in such detail. I have been trying to figure out if I'm the narcissist. I have acted in similar ways because of the abuse I've endured(not very well though). Just thank you!
This is my roommate to a T. It’s really terrifying to be involved with these people. I pray the people who are stuck with this kind of person! Awful!
Thank you so helpful especially for me and others who have gone through the smear campaigns the manipulations and loss of our children
I have wondered who will hear my own side of the story and believe since his PR campaigns have made me to be the Narc
Your video will help a lot to educate the 3rd parties and the victims
Alike
Victims need to tell their stories to be believed and be free
Thanks again
Thank you for this. My entire life has been a struggle with this. Being accused of being the abuser since I was a child, thats why my dad hit, was the lie my mom has told me and everyone else who will listen. For some reason no one asks when the hitting started, my earliest memory is from when I was 5. He also hit my mom sometimes, but some how that was my fault too? Unfortunately on a deep level I believed these lies, only now seeing them for what they truly are. Finally not taking any responsibility for this, and trying to get out of another bad situation and heal. Taking responsibility for everyone else's behavior and make everything better by constantly forgiving them while staying with them so they can keep hurting me over and over again has never worked to improve anything. The worst part is realizing the damage I've caused my own children with these beliefs, I should've left years ago, but stayed trying to hold onto relationships that were broken from the start. I could handle the slander, I isolated myself and tried to just move on and improve myself, get therapy, until they came after my kids. Now I just want to disappear.
😭I Missed you soo much! Thank you, Girl! You and your Scriptural education on these things is truly healing for me! 💖
Thank you for your video. I was very impressed with the nuisance with which you handled this topic. It can be very difficult to tell the difference between an abuser and a victim when the abuser starts to play the victim.
I would like to push back a little if I may on using the concept of 'sin' when approaching these kinds of sensitive subjects.
The idea that we all have flaws and can improve ourselves is important, but the concept of 'sin' brings with it some baggage that can be detrimental in helping people take responsibility.
'Sin' implies that the solutions to self improvement are external to ourselves. When the answers to self improvement are external they are beyond our control and leaves room for excuses.
If we see self improvement as something that is internal and under our control we are forced to take responsibility for our actions.
Thank you and Bless you for channel! Your spiritual and psychological insights are astonishing! I would have been spared a lifetime of grief and anguish in many relationships if I had understood the dynamics at work instead of defaulting to self blame. Please, please continue your ministry of shining the Light on evil. Blessing to you!
This was amazing. My birth mom totally manipulative my siblings during our confrontation of her behavior. It was in her wheel house to do it. What I wasn’t expecting was how easily they were convinced that I was this “horrible person/roommate” And leave me hanging and getting abused in every single way. I probably won’t be able to ever trust them again.
It’s not necessary to involve religion but that is very thoughtful of you to do so and this is extremely insightful thank you
Vary helpful! Thank you! I just hate how so many people use "he" or "him" to refur to a narcissist, woman can me narcissist also and this video proves that in my case it is the woman that is.
I agree, I think it's easier for men to be narcissist because we usually are in the role of authority
That’s because men have a much higher incidence of narcissistic personality disorder than women statistics show. I don’t want to be rude but look at who commits the majority of murders, especially of their wives and girlfriends. It’s rarely the woman doing it to her partner. I do know that some women are narcissists though. I think society has encouraged them to be more like men and they are becoming more narcissistic.
@stevenwatkins3991 I do believe that used to be the case, but in today's world. I think society encourages women to be narcissistic from social media, where everyone likes, and messages any women. At any given time a woman will have 10 men and even sometimes a woman in there DM's try to talk to them. Then to the way society says you don't need a man, you are equal in every way an men just try to control you. An if a man don't do this kick him aside you don't need him. Women are constantly put on pedestals and sexualize that they become an object of worship an it goes straight to their head an good guys get used for their convenience. I can keep going why todays society makes women narcissist.
@christar9527 I just Googled it an women murder their husband's or have paid or set them up to be murdered just as much as the other way around. Just saying.
You’re absolutely right.
My sister went through three marriages to men (versus her daughter “married to her wife”), plus other relationships, and she’s ALWAYS the “victim”.
Thank you for this video I know that a lot of victims get really confusing think they themselves are the narcissist based on some videos online. Especially if reactive abuse was involved.
There are so many of these videos popping up for me rn, and it's hard to watch because my ex was so good at convincing me that I was the one being abusive. I honestly have to stop and remember how she reacted when I cut her off because that is the clearest part of our relationship. Everything else was repeatedly re-written; it wasn't unreasonable for her to be angry with me for weeks when I got confused about an outright lie she was telling in public, I went out of my way to humiliate her. She wasn't giving me the silent treatment when I didn't do exactly what she wanted, she just needed her own space and it was totally fine that she was furious when I knocked on the door to check in hours later (in the room that was exclusively hers in the house she decided to move into without discussion after I declined moving in with her). At one point I actually let her message a mutual friend and delete the message to reconcile a lie in a way that friend wouldn't hate me... without her telling me what the lie was. To this day I have no idea what she said and that person still hates me. I did find out the lie, though. I was supposedly trying to run a smear campaign while she "had brain cancer." She faked brain cancer for sympathy points and when it started backfiring, moved across the country and said it was because of the horrible way I treated her. Yet somehow when I cut her off because she was doing the hot/cold nonsense and completely blew up on me for talking to a support group about feeling disregarded, I was still the abusive one "just like her dad." I was just finding another way to make everything about me, finding a way to take offense at every little thing.
To be honest, I know I wasn't 100% without fault in that relationship and there were some unkind moments on my part, but damn that did a number on me.
Man. My dad did this to my mom during their divorce. It got so bad she felt like she had to leave the state to be able to feel safe and not have everyone believing nasty lies about her. So glad she's safe and has a wonderful new hubs who loves her like she deserves now.
Thank you for your Biblical insight on these subjects.
Very valid concern in such contorted relationships and families
this video cleared up my doubts, very helpfull, thank you!
Thank you Shaneen 👌🏻 This road to recovery is indeed tough. Without the Lord and His Holy Spirit guiding us to freedom. The hardest part is giving up on the love and feelings l have always had for my highschool sweetheart. It's a tragedy deeply penetrating the soul. I still pray for a miracle as we are still married.. Only God Almighty can cause the healing and a loving reconciliation 👌🏻💕🙏🏻
In a moment of weakness during our last fight, I suggested my ex might have NPD. She completely implemented DARVO techniques before figuratively slamming the door in my face.
Learning about the complexity of the disorder is very integral towards the healing process related to these types of relationships.
All this narc abuse since childhhood, then into adulthood, I feel like I'm scrambling to get up the side of a mountain every day to try hard to heal and be non-toxic myself. I pray Psalm 91 over myself for God to help me overcome and to move this mountain for me! God help us all!
This was so spot on about my relationship. Wow. I really appreciate this post. New subscriber. This is soooooooo spot on and good. Thank you.
This is so important to hear especially when we have been voiceless for so long and we worry how to BE in life even before we are able to get out. IDK about anyone else but sometimes I feel like I’m turning into him. But this is a defense mechanism to the abuse for so long. I know I’m not. It’s nice to hear someone clearly spell out the differences. Thank you.
1. Understand the motives behind the abuse and the abuser. Typically the victim wants to feel safe and heal. Seeking honesty and transparency. Victim is usually truth seeking. The abuser avoids truth and won't want to own up to their part but blame. They want to punish who exposes them. Victims interest are to heal, be heard and believed, for justice, reconsile if the abuser is willing to do the hard inner work that causes them to be abusive. Their motives show through their words and actions. What they say and not say and how they say things. Wisdom from the holy spirit will guide u to tell the truth behind the lies. Solomon saw their responses to see who was the true mother.
2. Abuser is more into blame shifting mode. There is no self reflecting. Void of self awareness and reflection. Ask what part did you play? And if they seem to explain. Ask for details what they did wrong. They will speak in general terms and not details. A victim may not respond with reflection if they feel they are not believed. But when they do explain they will give details. The victim will tell the whole story. The abuser is not trying to tell the whole story. The goal of the abuser is to slander and blame. The victim goal is to share the truth to be set free. The abuser is more vocal and will do a smear campaign to as many people as possible. Victims are so drained that's not their goal.
3. Abusers will share just to punish and slander. Victims share to seek understanding, help, and solutions that will cause the abuse to stop. Victims will talk about the good and bad. Abusers will just see the victim as bad.
4. Abusers blame shift, victims go into story telling.
This is how the first convo with our pastor went. Thank you!!!
Honest people tell the truth. Liars sell. This happens within and without faith.
Well done. Again! You bless me so much. Keep up the great work, it’s sanity for me.
Truth & Love vs lies & hate. You shall know them by their fruit.
Every “judge” sitting on the bench, especially those in family court, need to watch this video 100 times.