Am I The Narcissist Or The Victim- 5 Ways To Determine
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- Опубликовано: 7 фев 2025
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Affordable GROUP COACHING NOW AVAILABLE dedicated to helping Adult Children of Narcissistic Abuse: A.C.O.N. micheleleeniev...
Books and Interactive Self Help Journals for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse - Divorcing Narcissists and piecing yourself back together: micheleleeniev...
Do YOU want to become a Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coach? Have you been able to free yourself from emotionally manipulative predators and have learned from first hand experience what is involved with seeing through the manipulation, the difficulty of unmeshing from the abuser in order to get back to the person you truly are (the one the narcissist tried to erase) and do you desire to help those that are not as far along on their healing journey??? If so -here is a link to the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Certification Course; micheleleeniev...
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Hi guys!! Just wanted to share info. about my upcoming life coaching certification course. Some people plan to become life coaches - others 'fall into it'. I think when a person has gone through something so life altering, something that pushed them outside the realms of their authentic self, something that so profoundly changed not only their self perception, but altered their nervous system, dis-regulated their brain and warped their reality..... and yet when they manage to reconnect with self, and heal the deep emotional wounds that are hidden to the naked eye and misunderstood by those that have never been through an experience like that - well, it's only natural to feel a deep desire to want to help others that have been through that. That's how I 'fell into coaching' and it's been an amazing experience to help individuals all over the world to break through the side effects of cptsd and/or side effects of narcissistic abuse. If YOU are interested in becoming a life coach - be sure to check out my website: micheleleenieves.com/narcissistic-abuse-recovery-coaching-certification/
It looks like there's a new profit in training life coaches. I'm seeing a trend of narc recovery coaches offering courses on coaching now. I suspect a serious dilution of validity will no doubt occur as a result. But hey at least a lot of people will make money off the trauma of others.
You dont need a useless certificate to be a life coach. Dont legitimize fake learning programs created for profit.
@@MediaEnslavedNation a lot of self experienced coaches are needed since most caregivers do not understand. Im with ACA it's donation based and I will give my support donation wise and paid if possible
excellent!! well done! 🌺
How can I send you a recording
if you are here you are the victim. narcissists do not seek the truth
Not a victim, merely a target.
I know, because it was all MY fault! :D
Even, if she was hungry all day! :D
Exactly..!! They enjoy being sadistic..!! You were likely defending yourself or holding Dat'Azz accountable..!! I'm terrible at losing my cool when ppl are not objective...!!
Unfortunately, he's right though in the absolutist approach here..!! It's about protecting yourself from someone who cannot ever be accountable for their own behavior ..!! PERIODT..!! The most they can do is emulate a person that has their own internal compass..!! You cannot even say "Mentally Ill" here, that implies a temporary state..!!
"Disordered" better explains their "Brand of Chaos...!!" Incapable of seeing the necessary change..!! If you cannot self reflect or feel empathy, You are "Forever Phuq''d..!! If u apply pressure to a "Disordered, Broken Individual, They will break, They are already fractured at the core..!! 🤔
So true
That was me. I was the reactive abuser. I responded with screaming and shouting and swearing and ranting and raging. I was baited - which lasted a while - and then I went pop! He was the passive aggressive covert narcissist. It was a nightmare. I spent 14 years of insane marriage feeling so ashamed of myself! Left June 2017 - have not had one angry outburst! I am not an angry person. I was pushed. I identify so much with this.
This was me too a T aswell, I finally started losing it I'm surprised he didnt make me burst a blood vessel. I had no idea what the hell he was doing, I knew he was gaslighting me and being a total ass but I didnt know why. I actually thought by standing up for myself that i was setting boundaries and showing that i wasnt a pushover, plus i hoped my reactions would actually show him that hes got a problem i had no clue about npd then, spent 3 years in deval stage and didnt even know it 😭. I was blaming myself for ages after he discarded me but then looked back on my previous relationships and knew damn well it wasnt me, I had never been like that in prior relationships x
Ditto
I think I was like this. He recorded me getting angry. He always defended himself and didn’t really act angry towards me but it was mostly just detach and neglecting my feelings.
Story of my life😭
Yeahhh...relate to it....grew up with an overt narc sibling and married covert narc woman....38 years of life lived in confusion and denial...may be now i have learnt and would be better off
To everyone in the comments who is worried that they are the narcissist, while being abused by a narcissist:
You are worried. If you feel genuine anxiety over the idea of using other people like this, if you are genuinely worried that you are the narcissist and should try to fix yourself for the well-being of the people around you: YOU ARE NOT THE NARCISSIST.
At worst, you're someone whose personal damage makes them emotionally manipulative in self-defense, and you have just made the first step toward being a healthier person.
I think the narcs in my life do not have one introspective bone in their body. THEY have never needed "help" . THEY must help everyone else. AND then they are still always disappointed. Because no one can touch them when it comes to a perfect state of being. LOL. YES I have known some.
No. Im 10 on 10 narc... I came here on a lonely night for god knows what reason and i felt like all the symptoms are related to me or at least my past relationship.my father is a far gone in mind power driven maniac criminal even loving himself for it so the chance is high i have it myself.... The only reason i want to change is because i see the damage on myself and to others. I see that i am not happy with anything i do. Waking up everyday being a different human or...alien... I see my own future and im walking down a road of selfdestruction and a path that gets darker and more lonely by the day... I want out!!!!!. I want to be able to live a healthy (normal)life. Love. And be simply happy.
Jane Recluse exactly no a narc
I appreciate this because I literally had a mental breakdown a few days ago trying to figure out if I was the narcissistic one and if I was crazy and imagining stuff
@@catiebrown2890 Glad it was helpful.
Covert narcs are the worst. I don’t know who I am anymore or if I’m crazy, or selfish or lazy. I don’t know anymore.
This hit me too deep for comfort...
I so hear this.
I just started filing for divorce and I’ve been asking myself the same question
This is what’s being told to me. The hurt is so deep.
Guys! Iearned what this thing is called! It's "Echoism", a disorder that actually makes us just echos of the other person, which leaves feeling empty and depressed because we can't recognize our own personalities!
Dear victims of these horrible human beings, if you are watching this video - you’re NOT a narcissist! You are an empath looking for answers. ❤️
Be careful with that... The thing is that many narcs (especially the covert vulnerable type) LOVE to call themselves empaths. They especially like to use social media as their own pity party circle-jerk echo chamber... IMO people going off all the time about being the victim probably AREN'T.
If you are watching this and asking yourself if you are narcissistic ... you are not ... you are the victim !!!
The narcissist would never watch this or consider that something could be wrong with him/her or that he/she could be the cause of problems or causing pain.
Exactly!
actually, I feel like I am watching this because I feel like ive been very angry and out of control emotionally for a long time, im likely the toxic one, and I do need to see how and why I do this. I dont think all narcissitic people are unwilling to see themselves. Im constantly saying I dont know why people say such terrible things to me...constantly. I do not see myself as someone who says or does mean things to others im hyper sensitive to it being done to me. I truly feel like im very empathetic, and im always shocked and often speachless to others opinions to my face and often publicly. I just choose now to be alone and content with projects i do alone.
This is kind of a relief to hear, though I still am worrying about it.
RIGHT
Michael Alltschekow it makes me sad to say it, but some of them absolutely know that they cause pain. It just does not phase them. At best, it’s just acceptable collateral damage to them as they are putting you down or wearing you down in an attempt to coerce you into doing something you don’t really want to do. At worst, they do it on purpose because they enjoy it.
When you finally do lose it they use that against you by telling you that you are crazy and then they feel justified to do whatever they want because you drove them to it.
Unplugged Dog Dreams Yup!
2 the t
Omg, i am so mind blown right now
Unplugged Dog Dreams very true. And, in their smear campaign, they tell all your friends that you were the abuser. And, sometimes they are so convincing that people who have known you all of your life and who would never believe this of you if somebody else said it, believe the smeer and start lecturing you on it. It is maddening to be lectured not to be abusive when you were the one being abused.
YES
When dealing with narcissism, you should know that it’s not personal. “It isn’t personal” is one of those cliches used to cushion all kinds of bad actions taken by people who need an out for being immoral, but in this case it actually gets near the truth. Narcissists don’t know how to love or be a friend; they can’t afford to spare the energy to learn, because they’re always in a state of high emergency, cataloging potential threats and redoubling their defenses. When they claim to love you, it means nothing. They may even think they mean it, but they don’t understand the concept - they can’t feel it. They never attach to you or anyone else. Other people are paper cut-outs to the narcissist, like those cardboard figures of celebrities you pose next to for a selfie. Narcissist value their own children only as mirrors of themselves. When they destabilize you or attack you, it means nothing. They are stuck in an endless conversation with themselves, in which you are an inanimate object, to be assigned their own faults and used as a surrogate punching bag for their hatred of themselves. When they toss you out, it’s no more meaningful than a junkie tossing away a needle; when they try to reel you back in, it only means that they tired of the new drug and need a hit of the old. None of this is personal. They’re too terrified to have personal relationships, opting instead for extraction of admiration from a subservient partner whose range of action they strictly constrain. This is not personal. None of it. The narcissist does not know who you are - it doesn’t know how to know other people. Like the vampire or the chainsaw-wielding creature in the horror film, it’s from another world, bereft of the concept of human connection. Moreover, People wonder why they end up hurt, seriously hurt, and even killed for their own actions. Cheating is a choice and there’s simply a lot of ignorance in the process.... Thank you so much for helping me out Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Your advice and services helped me so much. You are a lifesaver !!! The information you gave me about my cheating partner when you gave me access to his phone was everything I needed to get,.. thank you very much..
I went to my doctor saying that since my dad was a diagnosed narcissist I was frightened I was also one since I seemed to talk on and on sometimes...the doctor told me if you are worried about being one, you are not one
I feel like I am one but by your doctors logic I'm not so thanks doc
He had me believing I’m the issue. I’ve been questioning if I’m really the narcissist. Thank you for this video.
@Alexandra Arva happened the same to me
That's what they do. Once I figured out everything out of my ex girlfriends mouth was bullshit, it became easier to move on.
My wife was accusing me of being a narcissist before I started looking into videos like this. Turns out it's her that is the narcissist. My getting angry when she accuses me of things I didn't do isn't the problem. The problem is her accusing me of things I didn't do them claiming to be the victim of my "abuse" when I react to the false accusations.
I feel your pain!! I’ve been so down and felt like I was the problem and he’s broke up with me and and met someone straight away after constantly accusing me of cheating! It’s absolutely drained me and I feel worthless.
@@jodiekelly3389 you are far from worthless. If you truly were, the narcissist never would have had his hooks in you. You are the prize! Keep your chin up. It does get better! 🤗
We are all human.we have traits we are often abused and then become abusive ourselves. Set limits and do not accept abuse.
True. My grandmother is a narcissist, I believe that it led to my mother and aunt suffering a lot of emotional and psychological abuse. My Mom really tries to be different; but she still carries on a lot habits in the way she deals with people that can cause harm. I'm having to learn not to assume that I'm automatically the cause of someones anger/ unhappiness; and if someone close to you is not willing to listen/ commit to therapeutic discussions and makes you feel unworthy, you need to back away in love and give them room to deal with their demons while you deal with your own. Being unkind to yourself only seems to result in others getting hurt.
My dad , my bf is a narc they both in control, and cheater i need help to get out from them
Your comment had 42 thumbs up when I read it. What a neat coincidence, as i'd consider what you said to be the answer to the question.
Thank goodness. The first non victim on this page. I salute u sir.
This is so true. You got it right on. They are at their most calm and happiest only after they finally can make you break down. 😭
Some of them flip the switch and immediately act “affectionate” after tearing you down.
B C ah I’ve never considered that!
Exactly
Then they tell you to stop being so explosive
so so true ive experienced this!
My ex straight up smiled when I cried. The biggest sign for me was the delight on his face when he would finally get the reaction he wanted. I saw it every single time.
Dump him now. Gosh you DO NOT DESERVE him🔥⚡🌀
❤ good luck love.
Sometimes when I cried he would make fun of me and "copy" my crying. What a sick narc ! Then I would remember my ex ex boyfried who would take my hands, kneel in front of me, hug me, giving me a kleenex when I was crying because of an argument between us. Those old memories helped me to remember and hold on in my heart what is really normal in a healthy relationship, so that I had the comparison in my head. It took 5 years nevertheless to escape my ex narc. I'm happy I woke up and intuitively found the right way to get rid of him, but I'm sad and a bit angry about loosing 5 precious years of my live. At last I learned a lot to watch for in the first place while dating a new man.
Damn that's evil as s%$@
Thank you for this comment.
I had a narcissistic friend for 2 years and I was always very quiet and patient with her narcissism , but the moment I told her how I feel she completely exploded and threw insults at me and my family .That was when I finally got clarity on the friendship and her state of mind
I hope you walked away from them, I hope so, for your sake.
I remember thinking I cannot even pinpoint exactly WHY I felt so bad or upset inside... it was a constant barrage of little jabs or accusations nonstop and it definitely wears you down. Then they say "SEE how emotional you are? You're not stable! You don't have it together like you claim!" I'm so happy I finally understood what was going on because I was so confused and couldn't understand why it wasn't just a LOVING RELATIONSHIP like it had been in the beginning. I had never dealt with that type of person before and pray I never do again.
@Eseercam it was so exhausting.
I felt this to my core. Always the little jabs, even if you do something as innocent as saying good morning or offer coffee. Somehow the "way you say it" or your body language when you said it or did it is wrong and is used as an excuse to needle and attack you for the rest of the day.
the empathy thing is the SUREST TEST. i remember sitting and crying in bed while my narc ex blankly stared at the television on the recliner opposite me without a word.
No disrespect, but we would need to know exactly what transpired between you leading up to the crying before we could make an informed judgement.
Yep he would just go on his phone or play his game while im crying in the bed
Ex? You let a good thing go SMDH
After we would have an argument...I would lay in bed crying and he would lay next to me and casually fall asleep. 😒😒 Oh how I don't miss that lol
Yep....or catching them spying on you while your crying...that is a real give away. I still needed a bit more time to have my eyes opened after that. Was to shocking to want to admit the obvious truth, I guess.
You have to record to protect yourself against lies. It is so scary to live with somebody like this.
you literally become crippled with anxiety by living with someone like that
Nefelibata True 😩
MrDuffy81 me too i always record my covert narc older sister
So true.
@WolfThorn - Well done.
He NEVER cared when I cried.
Mine feeds on my tears. Do mine taste better?
@@MediaEnslavedNation : I divorced my Narcissistic husband after 3 years of abuse ... I later married the love of my life who passed away 4 years ago . My Narcissistic family, who I left behind 20 years ago contacted me during the weakest point in my life after Paul's death to come home to people who loved me .
OMG ! The WORST DECISION OF MY LIFE and they nearly caused me to make a suicide . Truth .
I was legally declared predeceased in order for my sisters to steal my Inheritance of
$ 275,000 .00 and I'm beginning life from scratch again .
One of these sisters has died , I feel nothing but contempt for her and my biological family. ..
Karma never loses an address but a narcissist can really ruin your day .
Brooks Equine
My gosh 😨😨😦
I am so sorry for you 😢
It's so scary how some people can be. And this LOVE for money, trying to take away from others, It's so despicable
Mine didn’t either!!!! I completely forgot about that because it was so long ago. I didn’t realize he was a narc until I dated a psychopath & started to research Cluster B’s. I remember crying all f’n night long & he didn’t give a shit!
He tried to convince me to commit suicide when I locked myself in the room to keep him away from me, i was devestated and frightened i hysterically cried while he stood behind the door mocking me and telling me that i should take my own life because am depressed and worthless.
the narcissist is the reason why we are watching this now out of insecurities, great content, helps a lot and directly, thank you so much.
It’s been so bad today with my wife. I found myself here trying to understand why my wife is calling me a narcissist and what that is. I am at the point I literally feel crazy. I can’t thank you enough for the few minutes of sanity, I’ve apologized all day and taken all the blame. I found strength and so much help in this.
They'll make you take all the blame. You apologize again and again, and they'll bring it up against you in the next argument.
When I calmly use “I” statements, I am told by the N “it’s always about you!”.
Exactly the same in my situation. I have now left but it is useful to have the reminders as narcissistic abuse leaves you with self doubt.
& if you don’t use “I” statements then they claim you’re blaming everything on them. 🤦🏼♂️
@UC_s7Usm_adIcr66p3F7lItA Do you have any means by which you could go somewhere else? It's imperative for you to break away.
@Mityme Istemporary No he wouldn't. I promise you that you can take preventative measures for going no contact. It's definitely grueling, yet if you do it I promise you the liberation will be the most freeing almost re-baptizing experience you will feel if you allow it to be. You are strong. You are brave. You can stand up for those things about yourself & break free from that which doesn't make you feel that way. I promise.
I've said that to the narc because I was bring up something that hurt me and he would talk about something that happened years ago all the time.. and I finally got so sick of it I started treating him like he was treating me. But sometimes this statement is valid. Because narcs it is always about them.
I have met narcissists who would be abusive and cry before I could. Then they would call me out for not crying about the situation. Claim I had no emotion. Talk about projecting.
sheltered&loved oh my goodness! I keep thinking it's me because EVERYONE is telling me it's me! I refuse to let them see me cry anymore, but I cry in private. And YES! They say I have no emotion.
@Georjean Brown WOW! Hey there.....LOVE your name! Xo
Another female tactic I presume. Seen it done to me a hundred times in this failing marriage.
haas has actually, it happens from males as well........ I say this from experience
Same
This video was extremely helpful. When you are suffering abuse by anyone with a damaging personality disorder it can be easy to lose it and sometimes fight back in the same nasty way, then beat yourself up for it. I'm very fortunate to have done the hard work, facing up to my own issues, and I'm now in a healthy, loving relationship where mutual respect and consideration for each other's needs and feelings are a genuine priority. The difference is incredible.
I've experienced narcissistic men who could turn on the tears. It's a ploy for sympathy. This really confused me at the time.
Yes...it's true..they will cry just to get empathy
I knew one too, but as soon ad he saw I wasn't buying it.. He stopped.. I mean in a nano second... Fake, cheating.. Iair... Ultra cheap. He was also a nasty racist.
this is hurtful to hear, because admitting to being a victim to narcissistic is always difficult. But hearing the truth is so crucial to the healing process. Thank you for this video.
If u've been abused for a long time by a narcissist, u may even sound and act like him/her just to protect urself against the narcissist. No conclusion or resolution will be reached no matter how much u cry or express pain. Eventually u may become as indifferent as the narcissist.
This literally broke my heart to the point that I was on the verge of tears - my husband does exactly that with me.
I hope you find the strength to leave. It's in you, I know he's probably broken you down consistently but you're still resilient and in control of your own life. You're your own person, I hope you learn to nurture yourself. I hope you're happy, people care about you still :)
Remember you are not how others see you and you certainly aren't what others say you are. Be strong and love yourself. Self love is the key to empathy, if you are confident and stand up for yourself then you'll be strong enough to stand up for others that deserve your love, empathy, and positive energy. If you are depressed, insecure, fearful then you will be toxic to everyone around you
Wow you just described my mother. She was always trying to change my feelings and convince me what I'm saying is not what I'm saying. Telling me how I feel and how I think. Crazy making shit. Frustrating people.
Mine too
This helped me so much! I was feeling guilty for getting angry and losing my temper and saying hurtful things but it really was because I was so fed up with all of the years of being hurt and then being laughed at or completely ignored. I was really losing it because I was pouring my heart out and getting no reaction or them caring and it hurt so bad. Now I’ve been no contact and I’m starting to heal by videos like this. Thank you
Something was described in this video that I call "Provoke and Punish". He would say or do things that he knew would upset me, then when I say something about it, he'd say that I was the one that was always starting something. Then came the silent treatment. He knew I HATED to be ignored and I'd do sooooo much to make it stop. The whole while, he never acknowledged what he did to piss me off in the 1st place. They love putting up those smoke screens. 😡
My mother only "looses her cool" when I react in a way she doesn't like. If I calmly say something true that she doesn't accept then she literally runs up to me, threatening me, violent.
marie same here 😓
Both... have as little contact with them as you can, its not doing you any good. Sad but true.
You need to act assertive one day and show her you are not going to have it.
The more you are respectful, firm and polite, the more they freak out. When you're scared, in tears, or filled with rage, they're perfectly in control instead.
@@billygoatcatfish4754
Yes, delt with this constantly from my narc father and sister (Guess which one of us got the scapegoat treatment?). I would say something perfectly innocent with no malign intent whatsoever and they would somehow percieve it as an attack. It never made a lick of sense. So glad to have them out of my life. There was never even the tiniest bit of good that came from knowing either of them.
Thanks for validating the fact that anger is the only genuine emotion that these people display.... every other emotion is fake and is being used to manipulate you so they can ultimately control you and break you down... it makes them feel good. ITS SICK
This was one of the best videos I have ever watched on Narcissistic Abuse. Thank you for posting this.
Yeah, when I started with "I ..." I was being egoistic, did I start with "you ..." I was always just fingerpointing. He never accepted the necessary "you" in constructive criticism about "his" errors.
I had an ex who would provoke me to crying by verbally attacking me and when I cried he would switch gears to "good boyfriend" and comfort me. He was goal oriented to break me down so he could then be my rescuer as well as my abuser. When you say narcissists don't respond to crying or emotions, they might not typically, but some will superficially if it suits their end game.
You've helped me out tremendously over the last year with identifying my abuser and helping me heal from it after 18 years of abuse and confusion. Thank you, God bless you
THE NARCISSISM QUIZ
The following quiz suggests six dimensions for assessing narcissism. Score each dimension from 0 to 5. Zero is not at all. Five is all the time.
First assess yourself. Then circle back to score someone in your life who is difficult to deal with.
The goal: See your and others' patterns clearly. Clarity is a strong first step toward being able to make changes for the better.
___Sign #1: Unilateral listening.
What I want and what I have to say are all that matters when we talk together. When we make decisions what you want, your concerns, your feelings..these are mere whispers, inconveniences and irrelevancies. So when we discuss issues, my opinions are right. Yours are wrong or else of minimal importance. If you expect to have input, you are undermining me.
Narcissistic listening dismisses, negates, ignores, minimizes, denigrates or otherwise renders irrelevant other people’s concerns and comments. A tone of contempt is particularly strong narcissistic indicator.
Another narcissistic indicator is responding to what others say by beginning with the word "But...." But is a backspace-delete key that negates whatever came before, such as what someone else has said. The but eraser deletes others' viewpoints from the discussion.
___Sign #2 It’s all about me.
I know more, I know better, I’m more interesting, When we talk, it’s mostly about me. In conversations, I take up most of the air time. Almost all of my chatter is about what I have done, what I am thinking about.
If you begin to talk about yourself, I link back to something in my life so that the focus of the discussion again turns onto me. Maybe that's why people say I suck up all the air in a room.
When I want something, I need to have it. Never mind how you feel about it; it’s all about me. I’m big and important and you are merely also here, mostly to do things for me, like a third arm. ___Sign #3: The rules don’t apply to me.
I can have affairs, cut into a line where others are waiting, cheat on my taxes, and ignore rules that get in the way of my doing what I want.. Rules are for other people to follow.
Narcissists suffer from what I call Tall Man Syndrome. They experience themselves as above others, so the rules don't apply to them.
___Sign #4: Your concerns are really criticisms of me, and I hate being criticized.
Narcissists paradoxically manifest both an inflated idea of their own importance and quickness to feel deflated by negative feedback. Criticism hurts. I can criticize others, and often do, but if you criticize me you’re hurting my feelings so I’ll hurt you back.
If you say you are at all unhappy, that's a way of indirectly criticizing me.
Because narcissists think everything is about them, they hear others’ attempts to talk about personal feelings as veiled criticisms of themselves. Since "it's all about me" your feelings must be about what I have been doing. If you are talking about your feelings, even if they were engendered by situations at work or with friends that have nothing to do with me, I interpret your negative feelings as indirect criticism of me.
The clinical term for taking others' concerns as personal criticism is personalizing. "I'm feeling lonely," gets heard by someone who is narcissistic as an accusation: "You don't spend enough time with me."Narcissists paradoxically manifest both an inflated idea of their own importance and quickness to feel deflated by negative feedback.
___Sign #5: I'm right. You're wrong. So when things go wrong between us, it’s always your fault.
I can’t be expected to apologize or to admit blame. I’m above others and above reproach. If you expect me to say how I’ve contributed to a problem, I’ll get mad at you.
Unwillingness to take responsibility for mistakes may come from confusing the part with the whole. "If I've done one thing that's not right, then I must be all bad." That's all-or-nothing thinking.
Whatever the source of the sensitivity to criticism and difficulty admitting mistakes, the upshot is a tendency to blame others when anything has gone wrong. Blaming and fault-finding in others feel safer to narcissists than looking to discover, learn and grow from their own part in difficulties.
While narcissists are quick to blame, they may be slow to appreciate. Appreciation and gratitude require listening.
___Sign #6: I may be quick to anger but when I get angry, it's because you . . .
You made me mad. You didn’t listen to me. You criticized me. You’re trying to control me. Your view is wrong. So you need to apologize, not me. If I’m mad, it's because I'm frustrated by what you are doing. I'm only made because you ... "
Narcissists often show major charm and social agility. At the same time, these seemingly super-confident folks can be quick to anger. When they do become inflamed, they then immediately blame their anger on others.
TOTAL SCORE: ___
What does this score indicate?
Scores of 10 or less indicates healthy to average range.
Too much narcissism in your habits would be indicated by a total score higher than 10. Pay attention to your "narcissism lite" and you may fairly easily be able to lower that score considerably.
A total score of 18 or higher spells significant narcissistic habits that probably do not serve you well. Time to make some serious habit changes!
A score of 24 or higher would indicate serious problems with narcissism. Hopefully you will commit yourself to some serious personal growth.
Note that these score interpretations are based on general patterns, not an experimentally validated scoring system. They are meant as a personal heads-up, not a clinical diagnosis.
From Surviving To Thriving!! -- a narcissist would be oblivious to these factors, though. They wouldn’t be able to accurately assess themselves in a way that would make this quiz meaningful.
I scored an 11, which I believe is fair. I can be fairly vain at times, and sometimes I do tend to take over a conversation with things about me (or at least what I've been criticized for) and it's something that I've been trying to work on so I don't repeat it in the future. My ex took this test and scored a 30.
Mandy Roy a narcissist wouldn't be watching this video, because they wouldn't be self aware enough/care enough to consider that they could ever be the problem.
@Noel L Which is why I did my best to grade my ex-wife. I attempted to be as objective as possible (given our history), and believe I fairly scored her at around 13. She slayed me with attributes #1, 5, and 6. Six was her worst score, a full ten. Thankfully, I got out before the self-doubt and self-criticism drove me into the realm of gaslighting; I was definitely headed toward the territory of consideration of ending my own life.
From Surviving To Thriving!!
Thank you for all the clarity you are providing!
My ex-girlfriend scored around 27 on the test, so it figures that I already prior to the test had gathered she was a narcissist. I kind of knew during the 5 years we were together. But a few of the aspects only really grew into unreal proportions during the last 6-12 months, whilst other aspects actually were extremely pronounced all the way through. I didn't want to realise that she was actually systematically dysfunctional, because simply, I was both badly addicted to her charm and also loved her from my heart more than I thought anyone could possibly love anyone.
My question is about anger being the only emotion expressed by narcissists. My ex was usually showing her charming, proud, strong, sharp and composed self, only interrupted by isolated fits of anger, which she carried with a good deal of arrogance. And she took pride in comparably quickly 'forgetting' episodes and 'moving on' without too much soul searching. But as she consistently noticed that I was a good listener with total empathy, after some months of knowing each other, she began to regularly open up and talk with much feeling about the things that hurt her and the things that made her afraid or very sad. And on those occations she could cry quite a bit. She didn't want my comfort or practical support as such, and she didn't directly value my empathy or mental or emotional support, though I could feel how it made her feel better.
I don't know if you think I'm reading some things wrong with this, if perhaps my ex is not a total narcissist, and I got to see the other side of her because I managed to come unusually close to her, or if I didn't really get what you were saying at that point in the video. What I am thinking, is that my ex's behaviour is actually very much in line with her narcissistic personality. In a way she displayed some very real weaknesses on those occations, but at the same time (besides from the fact that I would never use such knowledge against her, or anyone for that matter) you could actually say that on those very occations she instructed me in how to comply fully with all her wishes. Whenever we had any disagreement in our relationship, she froze me out. Of course I always tried to explain what I thought and felt, but invariably, when she wellcomed me back inside her ring of sympathy and feeling good enough, it was always at the point where I gave up trying to make her understand anything and instead just simply expressed my empathy for her feelings no matter how mistaken the judgements were that made her feel like she did. Often she criticised me for having some motive or wish that would make her feel put under pressure or at odds with things. Yes sure, if I had actually had such wish, or even seemed to have it ... But when I didn't, and even did all I could to let her know as much, then it is hardly my fault that she felt that way. But I really really loved her, so I always, either immediately or within an hour of a freeze-out, apologised for causing her to feel the way she did. She never accepted my apologies, as she thought that apologies were worthless. But she was usually ready to continue from point zero, when she had made sure, that I understood what behaviour of mine felt taxing for her, and that I intended to avoid that behaviour. It is therefore that I gather, that the very intimate situations, where she opened up and talked about her feelings of hurt or frustration, were perhaps seen by a part of her as a way of instructing and securing my unwavering empathy, which again made her 'own' me (because I let her). But I am not sure if this was all wrong of me. I think it was wrong. But perhaps if she hadn't been a 'user of people' it would've been right of me. Until the very end, it did feel good to show unequivocal empathy for someone I loved, and to sacrifice my own rights, so that they could feel as good as they possibly could. Deep down I'm very undecided. But for now, I won't be anyone else's again but my own. Oh hell ... Why was I so damn dumb. You know, I still love her like a mad man. Even after all the inexplicable coldness she since showed me. Fortunately I can't go back to her, since 8 months ago she decided that "we shall never see each other again" ... She has taken the wild decision, that would've been the very wisest an most sensible decision that I could've taken - except I would never have been able to do just that. So I can't help but think that somehow, in the end, she did do one great and gracious act of empathy and compassion ... by sparing me of further narcissistic abuse. Perhaps forever 💔
I know this recording is older, but this just spoke to my heart. This lets me know that I am not the narcissist and I am actually the victim. My feelings are actually validated. Thank you
after a toxic 9 year relationship of off and on, and it coming to an end, I was beginning to wonder if the narc was me?? But thankfully after listening and learning, then coming to this video, I felt so relieved...saddened that it was so clear that my ex is the covert narc, and relieved that its not me.
Wow. These videos have made me realise that I was in a relationship with a narcissistic person. I left 6 months ago. Thank you so much for these videos.
Everything you describe was my life for 4 years. I always felt confused and was constantly defending myself from irrational and ridiculous accusations.
I have been left a shell of my former self, with low self-esteem and confidence. Currently healing, and seeking therapy. Slowly getting there.
And my partner mom was like she don't know how to be or communicate with me because I'm not the one.
No for real I need to heal to then I left one narc for another I'm emotionally exhausted
So true!!!! I asked him once what he feels when I cry he said it’s just annoying to him.
It’s like walking in circles no solution will happen and on the end you will apologize because you lost it.
I found that my narcissist wants to see me cry, and by not crying, I piss her off even more, and usually calls me " evil ".
I do cry, not often and not ashamed to admit it, but never empower a narcissist by crying in front of them.
You are spot on. The projection from abusers becomes so predictable as time passes. The tears are those of a damaged soul who has the mind of a child expecting sympathy. Sad when they do it with their children though. How do you counteract this with your children?
The tears are those of a damaged soul who has the mind of a child expecting sympathy... Truer words have never been spoken!!!!!! One of my friends actually told me straight out that my partner was using fake emotions to make me feel like we had some kind of connection but that he was only manipulating me to get what he wants. Sick people in this world. Don't doubt yourself.
The sick people have problems too. Many result from having a traumatic childhood or growing up with a narcissist parent themselves.
I see videos with thumbnails of mist and things and saying things like “How to have fun with them.” I’ve never seen a video saying how to help them.
Even though they’ve abused someone and they need to leave, they should at least try, or this will keep repeating.
Lexie Rangel, I've seen one out of about 50 vids stating that narc's can change. Wasn't great odds. I watched it, and there had to be some form of honesty on the part of the narc. Hhmmm...
Christina McClurg yes there needs to be an admission from the narc similar to a alcoholic or Addict. Because they cannot see or admit there wrong doing it’s rare that a narc can be treated and healed😕
I wish I had really observed my husband's divorced parents while we were dating. Both of them are raging narcissists. Been married to my mother in law for 26 years now. She gives generous gifts, but there are always strings attached. Husband is the same. Likes to bring up what he did or gave when it looks like you are not bending to his will.
That story of the ex that calmed down the instant he got a reaction was very eye-opening. My mother's done this to me before, especially when I was a teenager. One incident I remember the best was a Wednesday morning, and it was a friend of mine's birthday; I was making a small birthday gift for her, a rose made of out tissue paper and an orange card. My mother blew up at me because I wasn't catching up on extra homework instead. For about 2 whole hours, she screamed at me nonstop, followed me around the house while I, as hard as I could, silently and with a blank face made my friend's gift. She screamed at me more how heartless and emotionless I was because I wasn't responding to her, and at the very end, I finally cracked _ever_ _so_ _slightly_ and she instantly stopped and calmed down. I still refused to let her see me cry, and afterwards I still acted like the whole incident was insignificant. But it was insane seeing her behavior shift like that, and it made me realize then that she _wanted_ me to break down, and that was her whole drive for 2 hours straight. It's crazy.
What incredible strength of character you exhibited
This video was a powerful validation. Very few people have discussed how disconcerting it is when your partner can see you in genuine pain, and feels zero empathy. Likewise, it was refreshing to hear that if you sometimes blow your top when you are exhausted and exasperated and can't take one more moment of being used and diminished, or of selfish, mean-spirited, uncaring behavior... you're not the crazy one. Thank you for the reality-check reminder. Well done.
This was an awesome video because I started watching tons of videos on Narcissistic abuse and started believing that I may have some Narc issues but you have really cleared this up for me. I have lost my cool trying to get through to her because of her perception of me, our divorce (which I didn't want), and missing my kids really hurts and I also self medicated trying to avoid the pain; which didn't help any either during the convo (I'm not perfect) but I know after 20+ years and 3 kids together she ...was my heart. I have learned the lesson here that I am normal. I just have a broken heart still mending. I have to maintain the partial "no-contact" and write down what I really wanted to say to her when I do answer the phone or afterwards = keep it business-like (stop feeding her my pain and giving her power). I am glad that I am an emphatic person; it's a gift and curse.
You misspelled EMPATHIC I think Emphatic is just this side of frantic.
@@markusbroyles1884 Nah...I know what I said
Holy sh*t. This is nuts. I had saved some conversations between me and him and had recently rediscovered them on my hard drive. For the longest time, I thought I wasn't enough or wasn't doing enough. But looking back at our conversations after watching your video, I realized the situation I was really in and that I was the victim. Thank you!
I worry about this very much. I worry im the bad person. Regardless, I know I have to get away from my family.
Worrying that you're a bad person means you value being good.
Angel Wood See! You are not the bad one because you have a conscience. Narcs dont have a conscience!
Same here...had enough of their abuse so I am keeping my distance. It is hard to get rid of family members that are emotionally abusive but I am starting to not have too much 'expectations.' That way if they do stuffs without me then I won't hurt as much. Whenever my mother said anything hurtful about me, I made sure she knows that I will no longer tolerate her abuse and she knows not to bring me down as much as back then.
You are the normal one because you are worrying.
I feel the same way. I am afraid I am the narccicist and it freaks me out. I have a feeling my mom is and it hurts. I know I need to leave my family and it hurts. I know atleast I can get help and that gives me hope.
Something I began to notice with my narc is that when we would argue, my complaints were always about a certain behaviour that he was or was not doing, something that I wanted to change in our relationship whereas his complaints never had any possibility of resolution because they weren't attacking my behaviour or anything I was doing, they were attacking me as a person. Like my arguments might have been something like, "It hurts me so bad when you put me down in front of other people, or when you call me names in front of our daughter..." and his complaints were like, "You're fucking evil. I'm sick of your abuse and I'm sick of you..." and if I asked him to give me a specific example of an instance when I had ever been abusive, he would explode and say something like, "All the time, every day, what do you mean an example, it's who you are, you're just a fucking bitch 24/7, when are you NOT abusive?" I have never had anyone I have ever been with call me abusive or accuse me of being an emotionally damaging person. I am never cruel even when I might be justified because I feel like it says something about me when I have to behave out of character in reaction to someone else. I don't like the idea that I compromised my character and allowed someone else to bait me into being worse than I normally would allow myself to be.
But yeah, he used to also mock me when I was crying, pretending to sob while wiping at his eyes or would call me a crybaby and sneer at me in disgust. It was heartbreaking because I could never imagine treating anyone that way, much less someone who I claimed to love.
Aundrea Kym that’s a narcissist using gaslighting
Thank goodness you left him
I think they loved you at one point. Genuinely. Just at some point their mood shifted from loving to feeling hurt or rejected for some reason. And then they feel rage for being rejected even though they were never rejected to begin with. Their mood is completely not deserved or rational. Yet they feel they deserve to feel the way that they do. They're completely unaware that some sort of mood has taken over them. They have become a new person. It's sad for everyone actually. The narcissist just wants to be happy as well but they can't and they ruin everyone else's happiness with them
Omg thank you! I thought i was losing my mind! One thing i always maintained would be that he wasn’t not addressing what I asked or said...Evil bitch was the fave name when I didn’t fall in line....
Aundrea Kym b
Ommfg! I think I finally figured it out. I've been through each of the scenarios mentioned. I'm so relieved to hear it all coming from another exactly what I feel and go through. I've always felt fairly intelligent and capable, but for some time now, mybrain feels very scrambled, confused, really dumbed down. I've found it difficult to even explain situations to friends without feeling I'm an idiot.
They make you doubt yourself.
I'm getting a divorce after only 4 months.
I figured out out 2 weeks ago, after 20 years. It’s so insane. I’ve been slowly and methodically brainwashed. Every day was like trying to herd 50 cats to an unknown destination. Like arguing that 1+1 doesn’t =3 but it’s your fault it = 3
Message me so we can talk please I need support
David Morrison omg most accurate description ever 😂😂
Exactly !!! U have no idea what damn day it is, where the hair brush is .. I have been in this relationship 19mths n lost the ability to discuss every day issues w friends .. friends btw I was never allowed to speak with or see.
Any time I cried my ex would say "stop trying to make me feel guilty, that's the only reason you are crying" and I would say "I am crying because I cant not cry, I am so frustrated and hurt" it was like he couldn't grasp the concept.
I'm in exactly opposite position same thing though from her
Same here with my husband
Same here with my ex.
Inability to empathize with your crying would depend on what you're crying about. If all you do is cry off of a dime, then it is likely your ex was sick of it because they didn't feel it was justified. I am not saying they werent a narc, but that scenario doesn't mean that they are. Alot of women try to rubber stamp the narcissism trope on a man who simply has the gall to dust himself off and expect his counterpart to do it as well ATLEAST once in a while. Just saying. If this doesn't apply to you, very well. I am referring to broken narcs who also cry ALL the time for sympathy and validation.
WOW yes same
My narcissist used the "I feel" all the time... but that's because he knew how to manipulate how I felt.
Sharain Stith
There are so many different personalities 😊
Overt, covert, etc.
And they are good in manipulating.
Still have a hard time distinguishing whether I am the narcissist. I don't communicate verbally very well, so I end up frustrated. Out of frustration and anger, I just rage. I use "you" statements when I know I should use I statements. I've stooped to name calling especially throwing back the at him the names he has called me (liar, jerk, etc.) I've given up trying to get him to understand my point of view and I am at the point where I just want him to stop talking. Just shut up. It's not that I dont have empathy, I just dont care about him or the relationship anymore. I just want out. To hell with what he thinks or feels at this point. I just feel like if I am the narcissist then he made me that way. I have no problems feeling empathy for other people, just not toward him. I refuse to allow myself to feel anything for him. Then he calls me the narcissist. Yeah, well I guess I am to some extent.
If you're self aware enough to even question this or to follow this video or others, you are NOT the narcissist.
Calling a liar a liar isn't name calling, is it? That's like calling a car a car. Plus it's utterly useless with a narc.
They will try to drag you down to their level.
Narcs are drawn to one another but if you're self aware enough to question... Are you self aware enough to try to improve some of your more narcy traits? I use subliminal hypnosis videos running 24/7 to keep calm during confrontations so I can't be provoked. Two months now and it's really doing wonders. Try Thomas Hall's channel as he's posted like 100 to choose from. If you don't want to be a narc and you're self aware enough then by all means use whatever self help works. And you know, maybe consider getting out of that relationship and being single for some perspective. Best wishes for your health and happiness.
I totally relate to everything you just said. I know you wrote this comment months ago but i just wanted to say i hope you’re doing well. Stay strong 💗
Hi Michelle - I am on day 3 of discard by a wife with narcissistic tendencies. It's only been the last few months that I knew what narcissism was. How my wife had zero empathy for me. I had some real false assumptions about her. What I now know is she is a person without a heart. And I was prey.
I am feeling relieved not to have to be in the same house with her, but at the same time I feel almost shell shocked and her cutting hurtful words from the last few years are still ringing in my ear. I am a kind loving person. Who came from a prior marriage where wife died from cancer. My prior wife and I had years of absolute almost every day joy. I wanted to give love and receive love but the narc made sure sure that was not to be.
Anyhow.. thank you for these videos. They are helping me to understand how truly victimized I was. And that it wasn't me.
This video has been so helpful. I have been going through it and punishing myself for my reactions to the abuse. Now I know and can confirm I am NOT crazy. And I can heal and move forward. THANK YOU!
6 years since posted and this is one of the most helpful videos I've watched. It really explained the dynamics of a narcissistic relationship. It showed the difference between a healthy way of communicating your feelings. and how a narcissist communicates. I was so confused back then, but now I know, thank you so much
I swear i needed to hear this! My husband is a covert narc. And i swore something was wrong with me. I took it passively for 2.5 years and now I just loose my cool bc im so tired of the disrespect, disregard, etc.
If you can possibly get out of this relationship, consider doing so. The est way to survive this cruelty is no contact. I know that's hard when kids are involved, but it's vital to protect yourself from this abuse.
It took 32 years for me to leave my covert narc husband. Please don’t wait. I’m not a fan of divorce but he either left you already emotionally or he never was with you...pretending to be you.
My Overt Narc Father used to go to work and both preach Jesus (in an obnoxious way) and provoke his co-workers in other ways. I know because he would come home and brag about it. Once, in fact, he had been provoking one man in particular for a while to the point where they were called into the boss's office together. Now, my father "instructed" me very carefully about what to do in such a situation. He said what he did was to remain calm and quiet and let the other person (his victim) get all upset and appear crazy. His boss took his, my ONF's, side. And my father was overjoyed about this. I believe the man eventually quit and took a job someplace else. What an amazing example of Christian love my father was...Not! I was extremely troubled when he told me that story. Now I understand the dynamics. Thanks for another great video.
We really need to get rid of this culture of 'more emotional person is wrong.' It lets monsters walk all over people and get everything they want. Friend of a friend was molested by his father, they both took a lie detector test, and both passed, because the father was a goddamn monster and felt no stress about doing something so horrible or about lying about it. The creeper was believed over the kid, of course.
O.C. Sky: I didn't say people who don't express a lot of emotion are monsters, I said that their privilege in discourse enables monsters. It's a wolf in sheeps's clothing thing, where horrible, horrible people pretend to just be calm and reasonable, and often, as in the anecdote I responding to, they do it deliberately to make someone they have hurt look crazy.
And you are so right about the fake stuff! I have a friend whose parents are real pieces of work, and I was always horrified to see their *obvious* fake kindness being accepted (only by adults, kids *knew*) as real. Pillars of the church who molested my friend's brother and beat and neglected her, you know the type. (Religion isn't bad, but it sure does have a big rack of Nice Normal People disguises for monsters to put on.)
My father has also always been an aspiring pastor. He’s terrible with people. He is of course now I see it an overt narcissist. He’d insult people daily, his children. Pressured us into appearing like the perfect family. His moods would be hot and cold, smiling face, oddly over the top joyful attitude and at home an easily offended defensive disciplinarian. Except at his programming job, because he was the best at what he did, he never made any friends because his coworkers were bad people and sinners. He never could keep his position as a pastor. He didn’t like the responsibilities of his job but liked being over people, saving them, putting his hands on their head, this extreme authority likely gave him a rush no job could. And he was smart, high iq, likely why he had such weird quirks. Abandoned, then adopted then spoiled as a child left him with a need to control his environment and people. He insults everyone, get a rise out of them, tells them something is wrong with them. He instilled fear in me once he could no longer physically punish me anymore. “Your life will be filled with misery without god [him] and you’ll suffer [go to hell].”
o _ o
My mother played the church roll also.
She is a massive NARC.
She acts like she is an Angel but in reality she is a walking pitty poor me party then turns around and blames me , my father & siblings for all her issue's.
As she leaches on to anybody willing to give her something.
She is something else.
Manipulative games non stop.
Had me take over the house payments at 18 yrs old . told me it was mine.
She moved i remodeled it and lived there for about 15yrs. Then when it was time to sell it she brought my young pregnant sister with and to closing.
They kept the money and told me i was delusional.
Just like that.
And she claims now none of it ever happened.
She is a full blown nut.
8:39
A condensed convo between narc mom and i:
"mom, you're being mean and your words hurt me."
"you are ungrateful."
:( it makes so much sense that they focus on the person ,not behaviors...
Thank you so much! This hits home on the head. The final fight with my ex ended with him giving me the silent treatment for going two days without satisfying his needs, me trying to reason with him and not getting through, me snapping and even cutting myself in front of him, to which he ignored, me leaving the house crying and bleeding. And then him not calling or coming after me, but booking a bus ticket out of the town. Then hoovering me from across the country and telling me how badly I need help and that I'm toxic (for having cut one time).
Luckily I put a stop to it and I've been no contact for almost 3 months now despite his many many many desperate hoovering and smearing attempts.
Michele, thank you so much for your movies. They helped me regain self-respect, helped me understand my whole life with a narcissistic predator. You are a great life coach, I wish you all the best and strength to work in changing the lives of people who need support.
The incidents and traits that you describe are certainly destructive to the morale and self-esteem of the recipient of them. But I think there is a grey area. Many people do have narcissistic tendencies, even people who are the victims of narcissists. Or perhaps being the victim of narcissistic parents teaches behaviors that are destructive, and these behaviors appear in interpersonal relationships. Who is the narcissist? It's not always so clearly obvious. If you care about this, it's not just a question of identifying the rightful owner of this label, but also checking yourself for your own narcissistic tendencies. If we have been raised by narcissistic parents, we may indeed have some deeply rooted damage to sort out, but chances are we have also resorted to narcissistic behaviors ourselves. We have to be honest with ourselves about this and see this tendency as a behavior that has negative impact, and as we strive to correct it in ourselves, we may also feel compassion for those who damaged us. As the child of two narcissists, I believe my own daughter also suffered from these tendencies in me. And I do care about evolving and correcting this for her sake and for mine.
May not be narc behavior but co-dependent
this post is groundbreaking ..and full of truth ..i have been married to an extreme NARC for 30 years ..only last month i have awoke and found out ..i thought i was going insane ..ive had extreme anxiety for years ...i also see me sometimes using her tatctics with my children..i am horrified ..
We all have an ego, we all experience jealousy, and we all have a bit of a stubborn streak in us. However I believe a narcissist lacks the conscience to be empathetic towards others, to reflect on their own bad behavior, and admit when they're wrong. They also will never offer a sincere apology. They may offer a fake apology but only to avoid any impending consequences to their actions, but never because they simply feel bad because they hurt you.
The difference is, narcs won't try to change or they will "change" only to appear as a "better person." If you have traits and notice them AND work to change them, you probably aren't a narc cuz that means u have some sort of empathy.
Thank you so much for this video. I've been so confused about it since learning about this. My husband used to make fun of me when I cried. I couldn't understand why. But I quit crying in front of him because he would say I was fake crying, being a baby, "wah wah wah crybaby, go cry to your mommy", etc. If I expressed anything bad feeling he would say,"quit your crying". I quit expressing my hurt feelings toward him. So now he says I'm cold and heartless; 'unfeeling', he tells my kids.
I use to worry that I was the selfish narc and over-extend to try and not be.
I'm so glad we're getting a divorce. I won't do this for 20 more years.
mine says the same when I have a meltdown :(
My husband of 23 years always knew better than I did how I felt. Omg, he also did exactly what you just said! He would provoke to the point that I'd blow up and then he'd sit back as if he was all calm and then he would smirk and say, see, you're the reason we've got problems! He also used to say "it's my way or the highway!"
CL4H mine says that shit it’s always “my way” no it’s not your just an idiot.
Him. I'm this way cause you made me this way. I cheat cause you made me cheat.
Me... What?
yup, thats exactly what i was told - totally avoiding any responsibility
Or I lie because you get so angry when I tell the truth.
Yep, that's my ex to a tee.
Haha omg my rife of 25 years told me ! And she says doesn’t feel
Bad at all ... and now wants to leave for her ap
In the wilderness, people like that would not exist, because they would have been eliminated. They deserve to be alone, because they cannot see other people as humans. They have absolutely no responsibility when it comes to keeping the human race healthy.
From what I am learning is, if you are asking if you are a narc then you probably are not. A narc would never question their own mental health.
I believe I did become somewhat narcissistic when I did self medicate but I self medicated to deal with all head games pain and hurt. I ended up drinking to cope. I felt stuck. I am going through the healing process now and really trying. Read healing the shame that binds you helped me understand. My mother was a borderline and I was her all bad child scapegoat that then lead me to alot of friendships and intimate relationships that seemed like covert narc. I'm isolating myself now until I'm healed. I cannot take friendships it's hard because I automatically allow myself to be a doormat. I feel like I have to go overboard and go out of my way so they'd keep me as a friend. It's messed up. Thanks for your videos
It's incredibly hard to go deep down to the hurt I stuffed down so I didn't have to recognize the pain and hurt. Especially sober but I am not allowing myself to go down the rabbit hole anymore. I want to be free in my mind and thoughts. Enough is enough! Been working on myself for about 7 or 8 months now. Best wishes to all you out there that has faced this horrific treatment!
I have felt the same way as far as going to far and doing to much in friendships. Feeling like a doormat. For me it was best to isolate and to evaluate what I do and why. It's amazing what I have found. My journal is full of reminiscing and through that I saw things as an adult that made no sense to me as a child. It was totally clarity about the way I was treated and why and how I respond to people and situations now. This channel has elped me fight my Narc. My Narc kept asking me "who are you talking to, who are you friends" because they saw a difference in how I responded to them. This channel is great. She gives tools to fight. And although I go little to no communication with my Narc, when I do have to encounter, I am armed. And I don't get off the phone or end up at home in tears feeling like crap. I may get annoyed that I have to deal with that person like this, but I say what I need to and I'm done with it. My life is 100% better because of the tools I learned here. Sad, but it takes a plan of defense to be around these people, especially when you have been abused by them in any way. And attracting them is also common. That's why it's best to isolate to learn new rules for how to operate. Then go out into the world keeping your rules in front of you.
Anatalie Dee yes I must learn BOUNDARIES!!! I am the one that will never say no. I have made a little improvement in this area but not totally there yet. I hope you a great night. Thank you for your insight ☆♡☆♡
Same. xxx
I'm a mother of someone who I believe has NPD. The worst thing is that, when I look at my past behavior, I think I must have contributed to this mess. But it really seems like it's too late. I started crying, and crying about the relationship, and was having trouble coming down to a family dinner over the holidays. (She had said some cruel things to me that day.) My daughter came up and hugged me, but the empathy wasn't there. Here's what she said: "Well... Now, at least I know you care about me." It was so weird. I asked: "Is this ever going to get better?" "I don't know," she said. So, I'm understandably confused about who the real narcissist is. Both of us?
Everything you mentioned is true, I can definitely relate in all aspects. I'm praying daily to get out
One time I sat with my boyfriend at the time and tried to tell him about a serious issue I was having with him, he just closed his eyes with a bored look the whole time and when I asked him to please open his eyes and listen, he didn't then just got up and left. I couldn't believe hoe immature he was being!! He was the worst Narc I ever had. So grateful he is not in my life anymore.
@Ocean Blue You both got incredibly lucky. They let you go on the first try.
The biggest give-away is 'lack of empathy' - that's very true. No consideration of the other. And it's true, I used to doubt whether I was the narcissist or not - truly like going crazy - because I used to get so emotional. But now I know because I am with a 'normal, loving man' and I never have outbursts. We just talk and there's compassion from both sides. There's understanding and most importantly there's the phrase 'I'm sorry if I hurt you' which is so healing now to me. And I also just realised, my ex wouldn't for a minute doubt himself or look up a video like this, doubting if he's a narcissist. He just wouldn't accept it. So now I know for sure. Thank you for this.
I was always defending myself. Always accused of anything. I was left crying .i was always called emotional. He told me i was the reason that he left me over n over. I would always say what did i do to u. I dont deserve that. He would laugh like an evil little laugh. Talked down to me. Cursed at me. Yelled at me. I remember feeling i couldnt live without him. He ignored me even when he stayed with me. He would look at me n shake his head.
Linda Geiling omg this sounds so familiar. Esp with the evil laugh. Why do they do that?
Yeah my ex husband did this too
This brought tears to my eyes I know exactly how you feel
When a narcissist repeatedly made little jabs at me during a family dinner, I finally looked at her and said, "You have repeated yourself several times, which tells me you want my attention, so here it is." The narc smiled & settled down. It was amazing.
I must admit, I'm guilty of "You" statements. I fear that if you say too regularly "I feel this... I feel that" it gives the other person ammunition to invalidate and dismiss what you're saying, writing them off as just " Your feelings". I have been on the receiving end of other Narcissistic behaviour and I feel that saying "You do/say this....you did/said that" helps me get a better flow and structure of the points I'm trying to make.
I use a lot of you statements too. Yes, you are twisting my words. You need to stop gaslighting me. I'm giving what I've gotten for the past 20 years, zero care if I look like a narc. He's finally broke my empathy. He doesn't deserve an ounce of it.
I woke up yesterday to the truth... I came across one your videos Michele that awoke me from my life of abuse. Thank you so much for saving me. This community of people has saved me and I am so thankful it can help so many others. I have awoken and have taken myself back. I will no longer give away my existence to such an evil entity. I write this today with rejuvenation that I have the power of myself back and I will never let it go again... my prayers to all who had gone thru this and we will have happiness and self worth again
I already told my husband if I’m really the problem & narcissist then I am
More than willing to get help & evaluated (tho I know I’m not but I still get confused). All these signs have been me- reactive abuse and I am not an angry person. My husband is very subtle, calm for the most part but the manipulation & way he treats me especially in silence is just so jarring. I don’t know myself anymore. He’s convinced me that I am everything that I am not.
Well my mother laughs when I express my emotions
Same 😭
Same
Mine mocked me.. She said, "aw... You hurt my feelings."
Thank you for this video - I sometimes have worried about myself when I blow up as a result of narc abuse. I'm good at keeping cool so it is not frequent but still I hate how I become 'not myself' when defensive.
My ex narc told me she was just trying to mould me lol yeah mould me into a broken empty shell of my former self.
Omg!! This video helped me out so much!! You just explained my situation exactly!! I've been beating myself up for weeks trying to figure out whether I was the narcissist or not. You just put all the pieces together for me. Thank you!!
Thank you, Michelle, this has been extremely helpful. I have realized my mother displays many of these Narisstic attributes. It's all me and she's telling me all the things that are wrong with me. I never realised after all these years.
‘Your wearing that today are you?’
‘Your doing that wrong, give it to me’
‘Your so lazy, I do everything’
‘Your so lucky to have me, I took our daughter to the park so you can chill’
‘Your kids are out of control, you need to man up’
‘Why are you so unorganised, it’s irritating’
‘You just going to leave that there or shall I wash up again’
‘You don’t do anything for me’
Me after a week of criticism: look can you stop digging me out all the time , it’s really starting to get to me!!!
Him: what? How have I been digging you out! Your crazy!
Que anger! ....affection withdrawal... silent treatment all day for dating to say anything!!
Me: crying!
Him: Your so sensitive! Your tears mean nothing, stop being so dramatic!
🤦🏽♀️
Totally relate
I can understand this pain..
Wow... devaluing and attacking your self worth... how can you make a relationship like that work. No matter how hard you try. I know it's difficult but better to leave and find someone better.
Katy Louise oh my gosh this is what I’m getting right now😭😭😭
Divine Feminine Tarot run!!! It doesn’t get much better!
wow this describes two people in my immediate family and the pain is lifelong. i will probably never have a good relationship with my brother because of his inability to say im sorry, acknowledge my pain, and his family political game with my mom. it is sad and will hurt for a lifetime.
I hear ya. My sister is like the way you describe your brother. I can't "win" with her, so I stopped all contact. It felt awful at first. I kept wanting to fix it, wrote to her, she'd ignore it. Now I'm much relieved to have no contact. It releases energy I can use to take care of myself. ACCEPTANCE of the tough reality is a GREAt thing to do for yourself. God bless.
Same here
I enjoyed hearing this. It reminds me that something in my soul is searching out this wisdom. I am not a victim of those who are impriosoned in a narcisstic jail. I can come and go when I want. I feel things and use my mind to evaluate productive movement forward. They do not have that luxury. They r trapped, and I am free. I have suffered them in my life at times and have grown. I believe in myself. Every time I suffer them I learn to believe more in myself. Thank u for this post!!
Yes. Exactly. Target maybe, but never a victim. Always growing, always stronger. This.
He was videoing me while I'm crying and he looked so calm.
Thank you! This helped more than I can express. Thank you!
I grew up with a covert narcissistic mother who was very intelligent, manipulative and a trained psychiatric nurse and trust me it was tuff and confusing. It's taken me year's to try and undo the damage and I am in my 50,s I am ok now to a point The damage these people cause is real Peace to all
woolbender Sounds like Nurse Ratched from One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.
SgtTravisBickle she wasn't that honest, everyone thought she was love and caring, The nurse Rachet stuff happend behind closed doors at home. peace
woolbender I notice many psychologists and psychiatrists are narcissists. Doctors and some policemen too. Would you say these professions attract narcissists due to the power they have over others or do these professions breed narcissism?
Add to that list Tarot Card readers, Fortunetellers and the like… preying on the vulnerabilities and trust their prey/supply put in them...
DAMN! my Momma Was also psych. Nurse...pretty sure she Had The characteristics in this video tho...think she even accused me when no I just picked up some my personality from her as well...but anyway..hmmm
*mom is yelling at me*
me: Please stop yelling at me!
mom: *suddenly calm* what? I wasn't yell at you.
dad: *over hears* yes, you were!
she shut up real fast.
Dori C at least she stops.
SaraK oh no those are just the good days.
*applause for your dad* I have a narcissistic father, and if I hadn't grown up with a mother who would actually say things to him like, 'you are the adult' I would be even more of a mess.
@@rainsara2795 Only because she got caught.
if a your mom is narcissistic do you think she wouldn't rule the household? Let's discuss? They are greatest manipulators they don't fear and they don't stop!
Awesome video Michelle! Very true. My Narc was recording his ex and showing it to loads of people to ignite empathy for him. After hearing those recordings I was sure he is a victim. He played the Narc abuse victim so well I was fully convinced. He did not lose his temper, only once for a few minutes. When I have found out what he has done and who he really is I lost my cool. Badly. I was literally histeric. Anyway my point is that the actions are the real things giving away someone. The actual deeds. The true intentions that iniciate those actions.
Esther Burghard that is hard because they are so fucking good at playing everyone
Yep, they are. I've experienced it a few times. Only clued up people realize what's really going on.
❤ Thank You... This is so clear and True... I have never heard The "you" and "I" point, But so so true... as is the calming down once they upset you and get a reaction... Thank You. I SOOO NEEDED to hear this.. It is spot on. My family have attacked me with the "you" for years and i never attack I am always in defense and always saying I... I feel, I dont understand... I never accuse with a YOU... thank You, tjis made it really clear..
Your pain annoys a narcissist. She would scoff or laugh at me when expressing my thoughts/ways she was hurting me. There was no good communication. My needs were not met with understanding-instead, I would have to choose to accept her behaviors I didn’t like or I would lose her. My trauma bonding and love for her made me stay. Thankfully, I was strong enough to leave.
This is literally my ex boyfriend, it’s insane. So much gaslighting and emotional abuse in that relationship
self entitled, dellusional women has found a way to justify their progremmed hatred of men , and their perpetual victim role not having been able to handle the expression of rightful cricism in a relationship for their wrongdoings, or their lack of character, no wonder why narc videos are so popular .... they feed the victim role of women instead of their self - reflection on their real nature...
@@satriani19751 Very ignorant and arrogant of you to make such assumptions and speak as if you knew our experiences firsthand. Thanks for this prime example of gaslighting. Go back to touching your peepee and lay off the comments sections.
Does he live in Fla?
@@wannabe8487 What is Fla?
@@aniram.6079 Florida
My girlfriend said i'm a narcissist. I left her her....I want her to be happy. I don't want to make her feel miserable and abused.
Sounds like she may have been the narc bc if you truly want her to be happy then you're feeling empathy...
the narc doesn't end up trying to kill themselves....not hard. if you hurt your not the narc
Societies Byproduct Yep
This was enough for me to realize I’m not the Narc. Ever since I’ve been with my husband and he hurt me emotionally the first time(which he will admit to since it was 7 years ago-he tells therapists he was immature at the time), I get angry every time it happens now. I’ve had breakdowns similar to someone with borderline, which I never had before I met him. During my breakdowns I feel suicidal. and hopeless and he triggers them. He ignores me, yells at me, throws it in my face as I’m at my darkest points. But I’ll yell back, I’ll throw something sometime, then immediately regret it. I sometimes think in those moments the only way out is to end my life because we have a son and I would have to deal with him hurting me for the rest of my life. The other day he told me all the things he’s annoyed about in our relationship while I’m here deeply hurting. He just “doesn’t get hurt easily.” Or maybe it’s the fact that I’m not actually hurting him! I just pray a therapist will notice these patterns but so far, they haven’t because he’s so good at making me look like the bad guy because he “acknowledges” his wrongdoings and acts like he cares in therapy.
sara H ya don't expect that to happen they play therapists like a fucking fiddle I have been fighting for my son for a couple years. I see him four hours a week ... people get their kids taken away for beating them and get more rights and times than I do. it's because they play the system so well. as a mother you have ALOT OF RIGHTS....just the way it is. take your kid and go but don't expect the abuse to stop but you can remove yourself from them it's the healthiest thing because ultimately you will end up killing yourself. remember narc abuse is treated like cult survivors we need to be deprogrammed or that spark ....the one you lost. will be gone forever
yes that's a giveaway. I was stuck in hospital whilst a week later they were priding themselves on how well they could move on and that everything's fine for them.
Ftp.......
Day 1 of healing. Thank you
Michelle, I'm so glad you overcame your Narc marriage and didn't let it destroy you. It's a crazy experience and will kill you if you let it. You are really helping us survivors! The devil comes to lie, trick, torment and destroy. Bless you Michelle! And you're gorgeous!
I lost all empathy for the narcissist. All of it! Does this give me a narcissistic trait? I never lacked empathy before. Good question. Great video title. Makes you think! Thumbs up.
Have you ever seen the fake narc cry? Unable to make real tears. A complete manipulation!
No, you gained a healthy boundary! You have reached APATHY!
That's HEALTHY!
IF YOUR KEEP feeding a narcissist EMPATHY, they will only use it to manipulate you.
That's why the opposite of love is NOT hate... it's APATHY!
Here's a good one...at least I think it is. I went to my Son's for two weeks as his Dad was on his death bed. His Dad passed and I stayed a few more days, but then "I had to go home." "I was there enough". "He'll just have to get over it." This was the death of his Father! Don't say that about my son! He showed no real concern or emotion. So when I got home, my Ex completely changed my kitchen around! Moved everything! I did freak out, after all, he doesn't cook. So I remarked, "I suppose you're going to be cooking now?" His response, "Yea, maybe I will now since I know where everything is!" So the next morning, he wanted pancakes, and since I was gone, well, I always catered to his "needs" so I said ok. Well, since he moved everying, HE had to get the big griddle down from where HE put it. I asked him, "where's the cord?" His answer..I don't know. So I said, " You moved everything and it's not where I know where it's supposed to be!" He then accused me of moving it!!! It was INSANITY! He then realized, "Oh..I put it in here." He walked over to the cabinet, and there was a small container with all sorts of plugs in it! He then stomped off saying, "SEe? I can't do anything good here, cus you will never say that what I do is a good idea! You NEVER CHANGE!" So there ya go...crazy-making accusations, that you comply with, and you know that if you cry, all they say is .." o0o, there you are crying, boohoo! think that's going to do anything?" -0 Empathy.
My Narc moved everything around in my kitchen too! Who does that? They think soo little of a person's time and convince just to go moving everything around because somehow we are the stupid ones who put things in the "wrong" spaces. I feel ya. Funny thing is, no one is allowed in my kitchen today, to cook or otherwise because I am traumatized by this.
Yes!! Once he was gone, I began by putting the microwave back on the counter, not the buffet. and moved some other things as well. Yea..who does this?..the Narc does this to discombobulate us, and keep us off kilter.
Crazy, I just went through something sooo similar. Father was in for end of life care recently, I ended up exhausted. Slept in one day, and by the time I got up, my kitchen had been re-arranged (they also cleaned in fairness, that was really nice). Then I got told off for not being happy with the re-arrangement. Screamed at "It's not your house" although I live here, they don't. "We need it for preparing meals" how do they think we ate prior? Guess who's done all the cooking since then? Muggins here! Too weird to argue
Then after months of...heaps of little things, breaking down emotionally and finally feeling threatened physically,
"Oh poor Red" In the most sarcastic tone you can imagine...
jofish, I live with my narc husband who hides things, never will put anything back where it belongs, rearrange my cupboards, even my personal belongings. I have to hunt for everything, from the broom to my ID's. When you can't find things, becoming exasperated with not being able to find things, he demeans and berates. This is just the tip of the iceberg. I'm so sorry you're living with this, I know all about it. God bless you
silverlemniscate ~ No..he's been gone over a year now. He tried to kill me a month after this kitchen rearranging, and he went to jail. I filed a restraining order so he cannot come back at all. I'm awaiting my divorce to be finalized now. :) I'M FREE!!!
Oh my God......how did I miss this in my life.
Miranda Baxter we can be OK. 💞
RIGHT?!
I cried so hard, wept for hours, and he either didn't do anything or ridiculed me. I felt he is a Narcissist but he refused to rethink.
You are spot-on, Michele. You cover some really specific and important points here. Especially: 1) The needling in order to provoke an emotional response so they can use that emotional outburst as "proof" of whatever they want to accuse you of. 2) The "you" language. Narcissists never talk about how they feel or try to explain their behavior. All they do is blame. And 3) the character assassination. The narcissist will use any small mistake you make or even invent problems in order to pass moral judgement on you. The behavior or mistake you made is just an opening for them to attack you personally "You're lazy, you just don't care, you are selfish, you're crazy". People who are not narcissists don't do this!