If You Want More From Someone Who’s Not Ready DO NOT CHASE Do THIS Instead
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- Опубликовано: 22 май 2024
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Have you ever dated someone who’s so hard to stay away from EVEN THOUGH they’re not interested in a relationship and you know you should keep your distance? It’s like a drug . . . or the worst kind of junk food . . . even after you swear it off for good, your resolve crumbles the moment they reach out.
When you’re in this vulnerable position, the hope that they may change and that things could be different is what drags you back in. And before you know it, you go right back to feeling powerless-holding on to someone who’s not giving you what you need. So how can you break this cycle once and for all? Don’t miss today’s brand-new video!
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▼ Chapters ▼
0:00 - 0:29 - Free Confidence Challenge
0:29 - 2:12 - A Different Vision
2:12 - 3:12 - Anxiously Attached
3:12 - 4:55 - Trying to Achieve Security
4:55 - 6:15 - Your Basic Needs
6:15 - 8:33 - Grief and Safety vs. Hope and Anxiety
8:33 - 10:00 - “Enough Is Enough” Moments
10:00 - 13:24 - Reconnecting to the Truth
13:24 - 16:03 - Strengthening Your Confidence Muscle
Someone said:
“If you love someone set them free and if they come back, it means nobody liked them so set them free again” 💀
😂😂😂😂😂
I set him free 😂 he flew with one bitch
okay this helped me move on thanks 😂
Great thought 😉
😂😂
If someone isn't ready for a relationship and you are, you should move on. Don't put yourself on hold for someone who may never commit to you
@@spirals7354mee too with expectations 😔
Well ill wait. Im prepared for the pain.
@@reaganjananto5467 Then understand that this is YOUR choice. Don't get resentful later because you chose to waste your time.
I tried to do this for the past 5 months. I've slowly been realizing what I've been doing to myself, this video was the final straw. I'm not going to be negative towards her, but anything less than full honesty if we happen to see each other again (many mutual friends) is unacceptable for me
@@reaganjananto5467not smart they’ll prolly never give u a chance
7:54 "Grief and safety is better than hope and anxiety." That's fire right there.
Exactly
I'm a guy. When a guy says he doesn't want a relationship, that means with you. He's trying to keep you on hold to see if it works out with someone else, or find an upgrade. Plain and simple.
A guy will want a relationship with the person he wants.
THIS IS THE PAINFUL TRUTH LADIES! WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU THIS, BELIEVE THEM THE FIRST TIME!
Im a woman who was mislead by a covert. He said he wanted one then switched up per the cycle. This is not as easy as you say when there is a trauma bond in place by a manipulator.
Anyone who doesn’t want a relationship with you can f off nobody needs any crap in life
According to your theory, sexy taco, that seems to be built solely on the fact that you're a dude yourself, there are no men who are struggling with commitment and letting people in.
However there are avoidant men out there who are working on opening up and overcoming the fear of getting hurt when giving their heart away. With your comment you're denying their hard work and pain.
A female does to. I ve dated 3 serious relation ship. I was the one who started a conversation & liked them first
I'm a man and this has happened to me. Ladies, it's not just you that go through this
Happened to me too brother
Sorry that happened. Yes it can go both ways .
Another guy here..
I never thought I was going to say this but, men, speak up! you are human too! Let’s heal together.
He should start being a unisex dating coach instead of female, almost all of his content is as applicable to men as it is to women.
Relationships, potential partners are replaceable, but life is not. Your life is irreplaceable and it needs to be treated as such. AMEN!
I absolutely needed to hear that message! That hit so hard.
@@Butterfly-222 💜
But I don't get that?!! Mathew Hussey, how are people repeaceale??! Science says it is a MIRACLE anyone even got conceived and born??! Also, if everyone was the same and no one had any uniqueness to them, THEN, I could understand that people could be "easily repleaceable"? Am I the only one not getting it??!!! Please can someone enlighten me about this lol. I feel like I truly don't agree. I do think that time is precious, but everyone can be a special being! That can bring something special and unique to their partners! What do you guys think?!
@@SliceofHeaven1984 A partner who isn't ready for a relationship can be replaced by one who is.
@@SliceofHeaven1984you are righ,no one is irreplaceable. We are all special.
STAY AWAY FROM AVOIDANT PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT DOING ANY WORK TO BE BETTER....you only live one time dont waste your life in the end they wont even miss that you are gone
There you go, that’s the key right there. If the avoidant just runs to gratification and fun to escape their guilt trauma shame and grief then they will not ever change even they come back and say they miss you. However if that person is working on mindfulness and awareness then that’s something you can work with especially if you guys have love and solid foundation and you are comfortable and trust each other. But for the most part that’s not the case unfortunately. Avoidant people really have a problem looking in the mirror instead they go from thrill to thrill to distract them from their problems
This hit home for me. I am grieving so much of a relationship I had hoped for and the fantasy I built in my head. Safety + grief is better than hope and anxiety. I’m going to remember this each day as I heal ❤
How are you doing now?
Don t rely on memory. Write it down and stick it to the wall to avoid falling into the spiral of hope+anxiety
Update ❤
People care about you. How are you doing?
Same here. Hope all is well with you and everyone else out there going through the same thing. You're not alone!
What an eye-opening video 🙏
"Grief and Safety are much better than Hope and Anxiety"
"Your life is irreplaceable..."
Yeees
After having walked away a year ago, grief and saftey are a relief.
Grieve what you thought might be possible with an idea not the shitshow that is the reality and be safe from toxic umanly shitw
His expression of these words was enough for me to subscribe and continue listening
When a man says 'I don't want a relationship' the ('with you') is silent. The person for you is out there and won't have to feel like you have to convince them to be with you x
Wow
I completely agree. The relationship is not possible with you, but can be with other, and sometimes so quickly. There are a lot of cases...
@@glauka3064 that's the hardest part. They ain't ready but apparently they are very ready as you seem them with someone else in the matter of weeks
Thank you !
What if a separated man says that? Is he really not ready?
When somebody says they aren’t ready for a relationship is a nice way of saying they don’t want one with you
The hope is false, the grieving is temporary ❤️
❤ thank you
I have found that “I don’t want to lose you” means “just in case what I want doesn’t want me, I want you to be there as a backup plan”. Moving up in someone’s ranking is indeed, an equation that can’t be solved
In my country, we call this “being put in the parking lot”… and unfortunately it’s common
@@katkanegyke177 Here we call them benchwarmers or consolation prize
Here we call it 'benching'
@@katkanegyke177 Exactly. I finally realized that all the attention I was receiving was simply because he was bored and waiting for something “better” to come along. I was a “place holder.” It was a crushing realization but definitely exponentially better than “anxious hope!”
True and false at the same time for me
"Hope is false. You will stay anxious." This is right. I have to go through grief right now to feel secure about myself. 9 years of relationship but still he wasn't ready and doesn't see a future with me. Wow. Just wow.
Same, 8 years. And after all the mistakes he did. Never did something unfaithful. These words hurt a lot before but started to get used to it and laugh it out until idc anymore. I leave and keep moving forward. And don't want anymore to look back. 😆
I'm in a similar situlationship going on for almost 4yrs. Even though he has told me that he doesn't see a future with me, my weak butt sticks around. No matter how many times I try to let him go, I always find myself back with him again. It's hard, especially when he treats me like his girlfriend when we are together. I hope to be as strong as you to walk away and never look back.
@@valeriev.297 I understand, it's really not easy to walk away, that's why it took me 8 years to finally cut it off and focus with myself and my healing. They just know what to say and what to do for us to stay. They know our weak spots so well. I don't really know what the exact words to say for me to give you courage to walk away cause my friends and family did that before and it never worked out. 😅 I just had a huge turn event of my life, it affected my mental health until I woke up and say I no longer want to be treated that way. Cliche to say, but self love , knowing what you want in a relationship and have the courage to cut people, situation helped. I will cheer you up and hope you will have the strength to allow treatment only that you think you deserved. All the best. 😊
@@resetph Thank you. When I was younger I've always been the one to say "I'd rather be single than with the wrong person just for the sake of being in a relationship" Yet here I am 🙄.
I feel that dating is a struggle as one gets older. I may be with this person because I think it won't get any better than him even though he sees no future with me. If that makes any sense. I'm in my early 50's.
@@valeriev.297 OMG! This is like I wrote this. Wow.
If they tell you they don’t want a relationship but they insist on staying in contact- they are using you. People who use other people are weak, desperate, controlling, and self-centered. They are the type of personality to not change. They dont want a relationship because they want to be guilt-free with using multiple people. They told you what was happening and you accepted it. Its not their fault.
Been in this road . You re absolutely correct.
We could use them in return lol
Facts on facts
It is fine with me but this time, they cannot demand from me..
I'm a man and this happened to me. I had to walk away from her and deleted her from my contacts. Been over a month and still healing. Can't dedicate time and energy into something that's not going to flourish. Stay strong gents💪
Jerry H, congrats on your success for walking away. it's not easy and the pain is real. respect. keep it up 👏👏👏
As for me, this happened to me too but i haven't got the courage nor the strength yet... to let go. i know i must get out i realize that now
Matthew, how do i make it easier since we've been together for 9 years... Feels heavy like i'm in too deep
@@stylobrainer9032 as for me I had to regain my dignity. It was only a 6 month relationship but it's still painful. I still miss this woman but the negative outweigh the positives. Good luck to you bro, 9 years is a long time but when it's time it's time. It's going to be a long healing process but you can do it, get back your respect💪
I had the same problem n it's only been 2 days. I'm hurt but I can't be in a hoping mood. I felt like I'm losing my mind. So I deleted his no.
@@jerryh6962 🙏💪
@@prudenceradingoana2155 virtually routing for you. hang in there
Hear that ladies?? Works both ways! Do not chase! Whether you're a man or woman! If you have to work twice as hard for someone's attention and they can't make time for you? Move on to the next one! Plenty out there.
"Plenty out there", huh? And we wonder why relationships don't last.
I've always had a secure attachment style, even as a teenager, and I agree with the comment about moving on if they don't make time for you. I'm currently going through a divorce and in my first relationship since my separation the guy kept making plans and then breaking those plans. I gave it two months, treated him really well from my end and wanted it to work but finally gave up on him after he flaked 4 times. I'm not going to chase someone who isn't making me a priority even in small ways. I know there are plenty of men who would jump at the chance to commit to me and eventually I'll meet my dream guy, but I can't do that if I'm tethered to my nightmare guy lol. Don't sell yourself short and don't let people waste your time. You're better than that!
Plenty where?? Can't ever seem to find someone interesting. Barely got any single friends to go out and hang out anymore. Might as well just give up
True
@@oemj7147 exactly. Classic case of I wonder if I can find better. If you don't value what you have now then you won't develop feelings for said person. You move to the next and the next and the next. Thats no way to live and you are potentially damaging innocent people that were actually into you
You give harsh truths but deliver them with such love, kindness and acceptance. I really love the work and words you share with the us all.
Really touched by this. Thank you Kelsey
@Matthew Hussey you are an absolutely wonderful person. The way you explain with such empathy. Thank you so much. Your videos are so comforting for people who are in these situations. It helps us so much. Can't thank you enough for giving so much understanding about relationships. Listening to you gives us strength to go through these tough times when everything is confusing. I watch all your videos. This is one of the best channels for relationship advice. Stay blessed.
It’s been a year since I got the same “I’m not ready” speech. And this video popped up in my recommended today. All the advice you gave here mate is pristine. The most important thing said “Relationships are replaceable but your life isn’t”. It’s so true.
I did grieve for this full year, not going to lie, it still tinges every now and then. But I’m so glad I didn’t stay. Like you said grieving in a secure state of mind is much more beneficial than being led on anxiously hoping for someone to turn around.
Within the year, I’ve increased my income, saving towards a new home, made new friends (potential love interest too), and I’m looking into joining the Air Force. If I had stayed, I’d still be in the same job, same crappy area I didn’t like, and too focused on someone who most likely didn’t want me but just my company for their own healing.
Guys and girls, please save yourself the pain and use your time for something better too. They say pain is sometimes an artists best tool in creating masterpieces. Well use this as your tool to make your own life a masterpiece. Go get it 👊
❤
Reads like my own story! Now that I don't waste energy, attention and emotion on the never-going-to-function relationship, I feel so much happier, more relaxed, more joyful, freer and much more productive - just feeling myself again! -- Glad you got out of it and grew! 🙏🏽
Thankyou for this inspiring and edifying advice.
Thank you for your comment. It is giving me healthy hope.
Just separated last week in storm. But I was walking away anyway he is still looking ... Grieving right now. But at least I've released the false hope..
Also a potential problem is that you are pursuing someone who says "I'm not ready" but continues to lead you on with affection, telling you they are attracted, that they can see a future with you, only afterwards to drop you into the hardest reality later by saying "I'm not ready. "
Exactly what I just went thru a week ago
❤❤
This is so strange when they say “they’re not ready” but when you walk away they get into a committed relationship soon after. I’m wondering how many people use this phrase when they’re actually ready, but doesn’t want to commit to a specific person 🤷♀️
Probably more people than you can ever imagine! Sometimes they're just not into you and they don't want to say it directly so they go the roundabout way.
No matter what, count your blessings as that person was not for you.
Yeah but for sex we are good enough 😅
@@Jelly1986. exactly. Not good enough for a relationship but good for sex.
What if they say they like you but not ready? And yeah, they cut off to jump in a relationship with the next person and get married to them!
Is that common too?
@@elisabethkarner1434 they are cowards. Now I run away from cowards.
I’m a man here and I was that brick wall. I dated a beautiful woman for almost two years. We had some really good times but I was too scared to move in with her because I thought I she wouldn’t like who I was on a day to day basis. We had a semi-long distance relationship and so we naturally progressed differently than other couples that see each other more often, but I used that as an excuse way too often. I would often avoid the conversation of moving in together and it took me way too long to realize why. I wasn’t happy with who I was. How can I truly love someone when I can’t even love myself. She saw obviously saw something in me, but I wouldn’t let myself believe I was worthy to be truly loved. I tried to be a little more open and honest with her about my struggles as time went on but in the end it was too late. She even called me a brick wall once and I couldn’t even appreciate where she was coming from because I was so locked in my own negative mindset. And so, to her and many others that have dealt with people like me, I’m sorry. I should not have entered her life when I wasn’t actually ready to be honest and love myself.
U did the right thing 👏🏽 I wish more men were unselfish and not do this...and fyi as a man u should never move in with a woman it will be a disaster soon as u cross a boundary she will let u know to get the hell out her place...it's always best to wait and marry or find a place together period...good job tho u did nothing wrong on that!
“the hope is false, the grieving is temporary.”
I ripped myself away from a person who was not ready commit, killed my feelings, went on my merry way and started to heal my anxious mind. Did a really big job on trying to understand myself and them. Realized that our "relationship" was really toxic from the get go. Eventually, they came back and eventhough I like the person, I do not see our friendship in a romantic way anymore. I got hurt too bad. Oddly, they were able to express their wants and needs and we got along really well on a conversational level. I still have my guard up but it seems they want to change. Yet, I still remember hitting the brick wall and will wait for them to ask for the commitment and then decide for myself. It's been 2 months since I walked away and 1 month since they came back. I'm not confused or in the extreme anymore, I feel peace. Not because they came back but because I was able to walk away and have self-respect for the first time in my life.
Nice way to put it! I'm going thru this now. I kno exactly what you mean...❤
So are you back together or just friends rn ?
I basically lost all interest a while back, they noticed and are acting distant again. I feel like I've given too many opportunities for them to come around and self reflect. I will focus my efforts on someone else in the future.
@@manateeiahow is it now?
Some of my greatest growth came through relationships that did not get off the ground.
It has taught me to love unconditionally; and, to recognize that all those times my relationship failed to launch was just a blessing.
I learned to validate myself rather than seeking validation from another person. It has been liberating.
For those who are natural born nurturers, self-nurturing is a major ingredient in healthy living. Give to yourself what you so easily give to others. Be gentle with the way you see yourself and your self-talk.
Thank you
Getting into a relationship is like a facing yourself in the 🪞 mirror.. It's one way to get to know yourself more ..
"Your life is irreplaceable and it needs to be treated as such." 🙏
Either they’re ready right now or take distance. Move on and if one day they’re ready and come back to you, if you’re still available then go for it and if you’re not, then continue to keep your distance. Don’t waste your time waiting indefinitely in the unknown.
What about beingbthere as a fellow hiúman giving some support, guidace or help?Sounds awful to just leave someone who is not perfectoly functioning right away.?
You’re only hurting yourself then because you have feelings for them but nothing is moving forward in terms of what you want. They are receiving all the benefits and you are left to suffer
"your life is irreplaceable and needs to be treated as such" Damn, those words just hit me right in the heart
This was the exact situation I was in and I had to walk away from him. I know I deserve so much more and someone that truly loves u wouldn't want to lose u it's that simple. He isn't the one and that's ok
Same for me....😢
Same here too. Not ready for a relationship… but he was the one who asked me for it
You’ve got such a charming grin that indeed God gives you each chance to smile.
“How can I feel safe in an environment where I feel unsafe?” Really good info here. Thank you ❤
You're so welcome
This is totally what I need to hear today. I just ended my relationship with my ex who was actually not ready for a committed relationship but bluffed himself (and me) that he was ready. I finally ended it with him recently as I knew I had hit a "brick wall" and it was not going to work... Whenever I feel like reaching out to him, I will remind myself: security & temporary grief is wayyyy better than clinging onto false hope and being anxious. Life is indeed too precious to waste it on someone who is not on the same page as you. Thanks Matthew!
If you do all the work in a relationship, it leaves no room for them to do their part. Faith without works is dead also means actions speak louder than words. Never chase anyone not willing to also chase you. We all make time for people or things that are important to us.
I just feel that it's not that they want something different, they just want that commitment with someone else...
This is hit me so hard. We know, why we still staying with the wrong person, because we scared cannot find better person. The choice is between staying with the wrong person or staying single. Thats tough.
That’s what I used to think and it took time to finally realize I can be single and happy. I researched the crap out of being single by reading articles. I was always in a relationship for the past 20 years. The longest I was single during those times were a few months max. This is the first time in my life where I’m loving being single. It’s been 8 months. It took something like this video to get me there. The person I was in love with didn’t want to be with me. Exactly what Matthew’s describing in this video. If you know for sure they are wrong for you, be strong and walk away. You will come out so much better.
So……how exactly did you lose your Evil?
This! With a narcissist is like dying slowly everyday. Always listen and trust your gut feeling when the brain can’t figure it out.
I love how you don’t feed our delusions … this is such a real take. Thank you for this
This person I’m now in a relationship with was very much “I’m not ready for a relationship, but, I want to keep you in my life” type of person.
I told him that I wish him the best, and I care deeply for him, but, I will not be sitting around waiting. I continued on with my life as normal(even though it did suck), and we ended up meeting up later on in life BOTH ready.
When you love someone the person would never going to be replaceable.
Was in this situation last month, but finally managed to walk away, setting boundaries, putting my needs first, whilst being kind. The pain of staying and being triggered was worse. 'Grieving and safety is so much better than staying with a person who doesn't want what you want.' Thank you Matthew.
Thank You for sharing your experience @shazzqsong.. I am also in same situation but still not getting courage to walk away... I am in long distance relationship all I want is 5/10 min of call time nothing more than that but all I get is excuses "I am busy" and I feel if I push it I will loos him... Am I asking for too much?
@@shtup7017 you not asking too much and he's not that into you
@shtup7017 No, from experience, that person has other priorities and you are not one of them unfortunately. You should stop asking and walk away, I did that with my ex, all I wanted is her to show me that she cares about me and all I had was excuses from her. "Busy" til I finally pushed her away. Now 2 months after the break up I realized she never loved me or had that connection with me. It sucks but I feel much better now.
@@luismis875 Thank You for taking time to reply on my post. And I am sorry you had to go though heart brake, Hope you are doing well. Yes you are right I feel the same that he doesn't love me... It is one sided love.. I will STOP bothering him... Thank You So much!
Im doing better, I decided to let it go and understand that some people come to our lives to teach us a lesson. You dont need to beg love from someone who dont feel it. I did that and I regreat it.
People, be strong, we can do this
Yes we can do this
The pain of staying there suddenly gets greater than the fear of leaving. YES EXACTLY!
Matthew, I’m a gay man who just went through a world-shattering breakup 2 weeks ago. I have been watching your videos on repeat for comfort and help. You truly have a gift for understanding how relationship dynamics work and it has helped me feel like I’m less alone and there’s hope on the other side of this. Another great video where you’re hitting the nail on the mark and speaking to my soul! Thank you 🙏
Thanks so much Kody. Your words mean a lot to me.
Matthew, I am also watching your videos to heal from toxic past. I set myself standards and love myself first. It changed my life. I hope you could do some gay specific issues such as the gay toxicity, and the gay narcissism. It is more than in the straight community and more severe in its form.
I was in a on-off relationship with a gay co-worker who was extremely toxic and a covert narcissist! They will destroy you if you let them. With help from many narcissistic experts, I feel back on top of my game and enjoying life again. These issues are REAL and far more evident in the gay community.
@thematthewhussey Matthew, I'm single, sexy and free at the moment :) Can we pls get your scope of help on gay relationships on a more specific level pleaseee 🙏
Hope you're feeling better
Sometimes we have to act based on logic and the reality and not on our feelings. Walking away while still loving someone is hard but grieving is an useful and temporal pain.
I'm going through something similar with my bf of 3 months, the only difference is, the first two months he was very committed, we were so in love and we both wanted the same thing, I was actually the one not ready at the beginning, and he was the one who approached me, the time we spent together was great, communication was great, it's the first healthy relationship that I had, but all of a sudden he changed, he told me "I don't think I'm ready to have someone that close to me now", and it's been painful since than, a month of pain and anxiety but I really love him, and it's not like I'm gonna walk away to find someone else because I swear I'm so sick of relationships and I don't want anyone else anyway, so I'm just stuck in the phase of "you're there but I don't really have you". I'm so tired and I have no idea what to do!
I spoke to this girl for a year on a game, we slowly developed feelings, I met her. We fell in love… well I did.
Everything was going well and then I expressed and interest in one day moving closer not now but in a years time (not like we never spoke about more serious things than this) then she pulled away. I gave her space for a week and heard nothing so I did contact her to see where I stand and now we are over.
I’m a successful man and have all my sht together. I think having everything and being a decent human being was to overwhelming for her. So now I’m trying to heal sucks. Lost a gamer, best friend and a lover 😕
Iam sorry 😢
Today I decided to give up on relationships. I had way way too many of these "I am so not sure" men, men who call me then cancel. men who are just "too busy" to freaking send me a message from time to time, men who don't want to do anything but wait for me to do all: to call them, to arrange meeting, to do everything, without them investing slightest effort but moaning and whining and canceling dates, and being "sooooo busy" and freaking ghosting me for months then coming back with message "hey, what you doin'", men who I need to push, ask, who are never sure... I am so done! Done! There is not enough strong word to say how done I am. I know this is all helpful for younger ladies, but I am 50 and I am so tired. I can't fight anymore. I can't and won't play games, I won't constantly make efforts while the other side does nothing, I am TIRED! Thank you Matthew, your videos helped a lot, but this is not for me anymore. I am just too old for this. People get marry before certain age for reason. Just like having children, later in life you are just too tired for all the crap.
A 50 yrs old is a wash up granny.who wants a women with decades of milage on her body plus t can imagine hoe foul your soul is. We dont want OLD ladies.
Great first step. 👏
Now think about:
1) what made them attractive to you in the first place
2) what qualities in a person you need to feel secure in a relationship
You’ll be surprised to find that the two lists don’t overlap much and it might take some effort to not repeat your history going forward. But if you follow through with these exercises, you’ll start noticing prospective partners who ARE right for you, but who generate a little less chemistry (say 6-7 rather than 10/10).
There’s a whole subject of schema chemistry and I recommend Good Mood Clinic podcast if you want to dive into it :)
People of all ages look for love. You looked at this video for a reason. Don’t give up on yourself, you deserve to be happy 💜
@@misscogito9865 thank you!
as a 28 year old man i gave up on dating after my last relationship, it really isn't worth the hassle. People need to realise that being single and stress free is much better than being with someone who is not right for you.,
@@jayc342009 you are still young, there is a lot of time for you. When you get over certain age, you get physically and mentally too tired to take any crap anymore. Playing games, playing hard to get, not being sure, "maybe something better comes along" men, "lets just have fun" men, ... maybe before age of 40, maybe... but now, hell no! I am tired. And to add, those men I dated, are all over 40 or 50, so they are also not young anymore. Just be honest when you date people, don't play games, don't lie, don't pretend, don't lead someone on just because you are lonely or horny...
I had exactly that "i am not ready for a relationship but we can keep contact" (he admitted though that he had fears). After few back and forth during few weeks, i told him "i understand that you still have fear and you are not ready for a relationship. Work on yourself and your fears and once you feel somehow more ready, you can contact me again. Not before. If we are both single by then, we may consider to try again". I know he didnt expect that at all given the way he replied to that..
I’m in the middle of the grieving phase of this. It is so hard and I hope it pays off 😮💨
My situation right now. I am proud to say that I stud my ground and I am in grieving process . No matter how much it hurts I know my worth. Thank you for confirming my beliefs♡
This just described my EXACT ‘situationship’. It’s as if I told you exactly what happened word for word and you repeated it. 😱
I’m happy to say that I am in the process of doing all the ‘right’ things. This video is a great encouragement for my journey and an amazing assurance that I’m on the right track. Thank you ❤️
End it! Find a Partner who WANTS you!
Thanks for sharing Dale
Same Same
Right it’s like he watched over my shoulder at the rekindling that happened that I knewww was going to wind up with me anxiously texting (testing) someone every few days to be met with absolute silence. Ow. Compassion helps me detach what ever is going on with them, because I don’t know, and helps me bring myself to the present and out of my fantasy head. I didn’t go through four years of this with my ex (avoidant) just to deal with this again. My time and my life is precious indeed.
Good video. I have a ex boyfriend that I never felt emotionally safe with and I couldn’t put it into words what the problem was in that relationship. I dated my husband a year later with both of us being scared at times and calling it off but I always felt emotionally safe and could open up. Our fears were more anxiety over our failures in other relationships. We have been married for 20 years. I have done a lot of emotional healing in my marriage. Some people just click past the infatuation stage of a relationship. I love your channel, please keep making great videos.
You’ve got such a charming grin that indeed God gives you each chance to smile.
This was explained so eloquently. Us women definitely go through this often & subconsciously “proving” our worth sometimes is such a hamster wheel. I want off the ride.
As a man going through the exact same thing, god... You hit every part of the pain and thoughts that run. I needed this, me missing her is the very dominant emotion right now and I needed a wake up call, thank you
Glad you’re here Mark
Hope u heal soon , u r not the problem, it had to be that way!
"It is a departure from what you want for yourself by keeping this person in your life or by allowing them to keep you in theirs." Hits hard...
I got to this point after 11 months and I'm proud of myself for handling it exactly this way.
It was a rollercoaster of anxiousness.
But what helps me whenever I get weak which I don't as often anymore is that I remind myself that the version of the person I want to speak to isn't there.
So when you feel weak ask yourself what's even the point when the version of the person you want doesn't even exists. You're crying about someone that doesn't exist. It's absurd if you think about it. Its a waste of your time and effort.
It takes time to get there but as long as you've started grieving you're on the right track.
"Grief is temporary." We will move forward. You have helped so many people Matthew! ❤ Was just sharing this with a friend of mine who has been chasing someone for THREE years...bless you.
Going on 13 years here :(
I have been in the same situation. 3 years, and a current pregnancy. I had to choose him or my psychological well-being. Losing him meant going through pregnancy alone, but it meant safety and calm. It meant reassurance for and in myself. And choosing him meant two parents for my baby, but it means false hope, lies and ill treatment. This is Matthew's best video yet, because at the end of the day no matter how hard you try to make them commit, or stay, or make it work, what's not meant for you will never be for you. We are just delaying our own healing. I hope your friend finds it in her heart to forgive and move on
@@LesegoBonniedamn, gentle tears with this one. I'm a good guy who has been giving my love and readiness for more with someone who I have just come to the realization that she is a narcissist. She isnt ready and what I give is not equally reciprocated. Hard to swallow but I'm yet again, just needing to be strong enough to walk away, respectfully. I needed to read this message to make it all click within me. Going back to loving myself and being alone.😅
You’ve got such a charming grin that indeed God gives you each chance to smile.
The way you explain this is spot on. I had a guy that we both wanted each other in completely different ways. I put a clear cut boundary, he ghosted me, but wants to be friends. So I'm putting my boundaries in place, and if they don't want to be there the answer is clear cut.
even as a man this is massive advice to take in and realise everything will be okay, I can't praise you enough Mathew for how timely some of your recent videos have been in helping me get through a recent break up and I know this video didn't relate to the situation I was in but some key points from this video still ring true in how I feel as the days go on without that person in my life.
Stay strong brother
I appreciate you man. And this comment means a lot. It brings me a lot of joy to know men are here benefitting as well as women. These lessons have certainly changed my life. Thank you for watching.
@@thematthewhussey For sure, I am man that watches all of your videos, because people behave de same, man and female! Nowadays there is not much difference. I used it to heal from my break up, and now using it to get coached to be better at dating.
Thanks again for wonderful advice. Looking forward to the confidence event!
I am also anxiously attached and I have on 5-6 occasions ended an insecure relation saying something like: As long as you are in doubt I cannot stay in touch but if something changes for you, you know where to find me.
It has worked every time. None of them have returned to me for anything serious.
I instantly went back to my inner peace without having to shot the door for good. I have done this to the good guys only. People I consider reliable and honest. And honestly not ready.
One keeps coming back occasionally for nothing once a year.
Well last time he came was an attempt of testing, if I could get somebody to contact me from using a particular visualisation technique.
He actually did but again for nothing and was bad news only. So this time i blocked him. A relief. Over and out.
Right now you remind me of going to secure places only❤. Remind me that i do not have to retraumatize myself by trying to pretend to me that I can be in an insecure relation.
@@thematthewhussey Me too, I benefit greatly... Yeah I got ghosted by a person in England (I'm in the states) and that one video you said "don't say she's the one and she ghosted me... Instead think, she ghosted me so how could she be the one"
Game changer, mike drop moment!!
You take things that should be so obvious to the healthy mind,, but sometimes we need to hear it again
I detached and distanced myself from this guy who is a great person but is in a messy and chaotic period of his life and is basically just surviving for now. Didn't kill my feelings though. Still have great affection for him. Just don't want to be strung along, cause I deserve better.
Sending him love and blessings everyday and including him in my prayers.
Maybe life will connect us again. Maybe not. It's up to God. I'm letting go.
This happens to a lot of ppl with unresolved childhood trauma adding a long term toxic failed relationship(s).
I am so registered with this video. And yeah, after hundreds of back and force, the "reality" moment hit me hard and I blocked him everywhere and I realise I don't want a person treated me that bad in my life even one more sec. That person's behaviour was just so disrespectful and selfish and like an invisible trap. And don't wait for someone to change which barely would happen and you just waste your precious time.
I'm in the reality moment and oh my goodness it's painful
we’re all going through the same thing huh
The worst part is when there is no reply, no rekindling; there isn’t even a situation. You aren’t just “not a part of their vision” there is no vision.
There’s just nothing.
At one point there was something.
“Grieving and safety is so much better than staying with a person who doesn’t really want what you want and having hope and anxiety. Hope is false and grieving is temporary.” -this struck me. Thank you so much for making this video..❤
Perfect timing for this video. I really needed a pick-me-up. I’m sitting here knowing my sweetie won’t be joining me for Easter this year as we’re into month 4 of no contact, after a 6-year relationship. Being without him is still painful and I think of him every single day. When you love someone, it’s not that simple to just move on.
It is a process.
You got that right.. it's only been four months with mine and I'm broken over him ignoring me instead of being a man and calling me to tell me it's over..
Funny the exact opposite happened to me but my girl said I was the reason and that she needs time to heal but she doesn't communicate and only I reach out to her and within the second month she was already telling me that "I should move on and she wasn't good enough" only to find out she's talking back with guys from before I even met her , yet she said she wants to heal and focus on herself. I'm not mad at her it's just if you didn't like the relationship you should have told me instead of waiting for 1 bad argument o be the reason we break up yet I've overlooked and gave you patience with every immature thing you've done that made me question you and I've even helped her with her parents who dislike everything she does. I mean" I was her light in her world "so she said now she's telling me she need about 2 years to heal her pain. I'm glad I listened to this video I was hurt myself hoping to get her back.our argument was in February and now choosing to give her space.
Yes but if thy don't value u they're not for you simple. Don't stay like that it gets worse.
Me, too. 6 yrs. Broke up last summer. 😢
Male here as well. Matthew I know you’ve geared your content towards woman, but I could tell you’ve subtly been making it a universal truth in all your lessons. I’ve been watching you a lot since October ish. Around the time I really needed to leave a woman I had all the hope for. It took a while. I repeated the cycles many times. Nearly 6 months later I’ve finally been committed to blocking her for the past 2 months. I’ve grown so much as a man since I’ve started watching your videos. I’ve gotten into therapy 3 months ago. I’ve been doing shadow work through Heidi Priebe. Life. You’re right. I will never get those moments back. I’m glad the pain and fear of it all, led me to finally evolving as a man. I’m so grateful that you, my therapist, Heidi Priebe, and a few select friends in my life exist. I can tell how genuine your intent is with this content. Even how you’re reacting to some of the comments from other males. Love you man. I hope you make some direct stuff for males again here and there. But if not, I absolutely see and appreciate how you do make these universal truths evident
Man this comment means so much Justin. Thank you, really.
I broke up with my ex a few months ago because he couldn't see a future at all and picturing anything, but the present was extremely hard for him. It made me really sad. I'm, of course, watching this video because anxiety and hope are creeping back in. This video really helped. I hope I'll make the right decision. I'm missing him a lot, and everything in this video makes sense.
Hmm I'd love to help your situation
Matthew described what I've been going through. I've been in a relationship with a man I wanted to marry for two years, and after the first year he started saying he's not looking to settle. And I am. I have dragged out the relationship for as long as I could, always hoping he'd change. Eventually he started saying that I need to find another man. I resisted for a long time but eventually met someone else. Who is also not looking to settle down! I dated him for three months and finally realised I was in the loop! On top of it all, while I was involved with a new guy, my ex got all lovey dovey because suddenly he stopped getting all my attention. To cut the story short, I fell out with both of them and I'm trying to change my ways. To build my standards and confidence, to finally learn to voice my needs and stand by them.
I love this for you. Valuing yourself is #1 and that's exactly what you are doing.
Precisely my current situation. It sounds so easy in theory, in practice on the other hand, it is much harder when there are real feelings involved and the connection was there.
Matthew is getting better and better. This was literally the best video I have watched of his. It spoke directly to me and my situation in a very deep and insightful way. I turned a corner today after 13 months of pure anxiety over a man/connection that appeared in my life after having not seen him for 34 years. This video today has given me a tremendous amount of peace and clarity, of which I have been struggling for for the last 13 months.
This was amazing! I met a girl not too long ago and we hit it off instantly, talk everyday, but she keeps saying she’s not ready to date, I tried putting distance and even gave her several chances to cut communication and never talk again but she keeps messaging me, first most of the time too, and keeping me on the hook so this was needed cause it’s not healthy for me
same here. my guy is just the same - won't commit yet doesn't let me go and every time i'm distancing/ go co noctact he always finds me and keeps me hooked. that's crazy selfish anf simply toxic.
She's using you for attention
May 3, 2024
4:09 AM (UTC+8)
This is that moment, right now. I'm coming to terms with the immovable wall. I'm in pain. But I'm making the right decision.
I love you
Thanks for the advice Mat!!
The story is sooo relatable to my current situation. I decided to delete our chat and his contact (just two days ago) so that I won't be able to reach him anymore. I didn't block him nor hate him as I take him as a lesson in my love life. Releasing him from my life really gives me a breather. All the things you said in the video is solid. It hurts but I can finally smile and go on with my life like the time before I know him 😊
Give yourself time! ❤
🥰🥰🥰
Hi. How are you now? Does it work for you after 4 months?
I just (this morning) got out of this type of “relationship”. I felt bad at first bc I knew where his commitment issues came from, bc he had shared with me a lot of his family trauma and how his last relationship caused a deep wound in him. In my foolishness I thought that if I continued to give him the benefit of the doubt and be patient with him, and show him the love he didn’t think he deserved, that it would maybe change his mind. Sadly, he just wasn’t ready to trust that, but I had nothing left of myself to give and chose to walk away. At first I was really sad but then I was surprised at the relief I felt, not having to deal with all the uncertainty and anxiety that came with a person who just never showed up, literally physically and emotionally. As someone with an anxious attachment, I’m proud of myself for not being absolutely broken by this “relationship” ending. I loved him and I believe that he did love me. It was definitely a “right person, wrong time” situation. I truly wish him the best though.
I stumbled upon this video at the perfect time ♥️
Sounds exactly like my story. He had so much trauma, and I ended up trying to fix and overcompensate because of it. I'm broken, though. I just feel so sad.
@@joycepierre1656 I’m so sorry! I know it hurts, and it sounds cliche, but just let time do its work, and one day you’ll wake up and realize it doesn’t hurt as much. You do deserve to be loved by someone who makes you feel loved and makes you feel wanted ♥️
Thank you ❤️
My boyfriend broke up with me just a few days before this came out and of course this is exactly what I needed to hear. It happened on the second day after signing a year rental lease and moving in to a new house. I live with him, I work with him and we go to school together. I'm just physically and emotionally trapped with him since he says he still wants me in his life but every moment is such absolute torture.
“Grief and security is better than hope and anxiety.” You have taught me so well. Thank you, Matthew Hussey!!❤
17 years of a "situationship" with my best friend. I'm absolutely ready for her. She's not. With all the ups and downs we've been through together, I'm convinced we're soulmates and destined for each other. She saw it too for a very short time we were together but it became extremely toxic and we did everything wrong. Started living together as best friends. Me trying to help her get back on her feet after she didn't have a place to go. Took a year for us to get together. We were attacking each other. She left after I made her leave for my own mental health, got together with a dude she met right before we got together because she wound up at his place after she left. She's now back with me after he broke up with her and she doesn't want anything to do with me romantically. I really hate this. I still love her more than life itself. It doesn't help that she's staying on my couch in my living room.
You both have to leave and seperate yourself from them. Sorry but after so many years you should be wise and strong enough. Leave, moan, grief, heal and take control of your feelings.
@@ts-cj2ym True. Especially after she disappeared on me the last 5 weeks and has been staying with her ex without so much as saying "hi" for 2 weeks straight. DONE.
@@AFO3310 Yes dont waste your life. Dont get lured in ever. Take control. Being sad for some time isent the worst thing. You got this 🙌🏼
Save your sanity brother! Do what NEEDS to be done. Cut it off for good, this "situationship" will do you no good, for you physically or mentally. I don't know what kind of pedestal you've placed her on, but now's the time to take her off that pedestal. I know it'll hurt like hell to drop her after everything you've done for her, but you need to show yourself some love first, and keeping her around is going to prevent you from giving yourself that much needed love. Especially since she's told you she's not interested romantically. Don't dig a deeper hole, climb out and save yourself already.😢
As someone who's anxious attached, i need to find someone who's also anxious attached or something. I'm always attracted to the ones that are avoidant, like some kind of therapist looking to help heal someone of their trauma while adding to my own. 😢
This sounds like my story. I was going crazy every single day emotionally.
It’s been 9 months 😢 grief it’s painful so painful ! Especially he left me for someone else 😢
Keep listening to Matthew, Stephanie Lyn, Stephan Speaks, Coach Lee, and others on here. They will help you!!!❤
A lot of this also can be carried over when the person you run up against that wall with... is no longer alive. With some changes in words - it's exactly how my grieving process for my husband has been these past 4 years. I'm constantly trying to 'go back' to him in my mind (rather, I guess, my mind keeps giving me false hopes when I dream he's still alive) and I keep hitting that wall time and time again even though I know there's no way the outcome will ever be any different. I'm caught in the grief cycle without feelings of safety, no feelings of hope, and more anxiety that I don't even know how I'm still here.
"your life is irreplaceable and it needs to be treated as such." There is so much truth to this - I know it deep down - but I have no clue where to start or what to even hope for.
I like to say: grief to relief.
The hope is false, the grief is temporary! I love how you get to the heart of things and speak the truth in a way we need to hear it.
I've been in this situation for 7 months and I'm in so much pain every single day.
Me too
Everything what he is saying is so true. I have been there and have observed all of that in myself. They bring out the worst in us but when we take the power back, they actually help us to become a better version of ourselves. We just need to become confident and act on it.
They are not into us and we do not accept it. We wait and hope and create pain. But we do it, not them. We subconsciously love the pain and suffering while waiting for the happy ending. Our life is boring without the pain, lol
Ps: if you don't want to do something (reach out to someone) just don't do it. 🙏
This is ABSOLUTELY my current situation. I REALLY need to listen to this every day.
This made so much sense today. I am experiencing some grief but a lot less anxiety and more freedom of self. Hitting the gym and time at my cabin with family and friends. I want the best for him but I want the best for me even more ❤. Much love to you Matthew
This couldn’t be more spot on. I went through this and though cutting off all contact was hard, I had to chose my sanity. Engaging in a circuitous relationship with a person who is not ready yet continuously seeks you out to engage, is so difficult to resist. After 2.5 years of this, I finally said no more. It hurts but I was also relieved and am much happier focusing on myself.
Looking forward to the challenge! At this point I’m praying to God to get unavailable people out of my heart and allow me to be available, fully invest and see other healthy and loving opportunities with other people with an open heart and open mind. ❤❤❤❤❤
liked one of my best friends on and off for 3 years. i decided to cut myself off a few months ago because i thought she didn’t feel the same. less than a month later i found out she liked me too. we decided to take it slow at first, but i realised the anxiety of her not fully wanting me was too much. i thought friends with benefits would be easier. it was for a bit. but i finally decided that i can’t handle it anymore. even though i love her, i have to accept she doesn’t want a relationship. she was almost in tears when i told her. but if she wanted me she would tell me. 5 days into the grieving. i hope it gets better.
The last 6 years of my life have been ruined by this cycle. Hoping to stay strong this time thanks for the great video
It took me a long time to steady my emotion for my ex (who I still stay in touch with). He hints that he misses me & thinks about me but have not made it clear or express that he wants to be in a relationship again or want a future with me. As he continues to just come & go, text and calls at his convenient, after some time I got tired. There’s days I still think about him but it easier now. Slowly I am starting to let go and move on. So just give yourself time.
This video was so valuable to me as I have recently broke off a 7 year relationship. I am experiencing weak moments in quiet times when I'm not busy. I do everything I can to keep from opening that door with him again. For a year, we planned to move in together, I sold my home. We were viewing new homes, we found one we both loved. Then, at the last moment he did not want to take that next step with me, so I ended the relationship. The betrayal is palpable. It's heartbreaking when you still love someone and miss them, but I have my dignity.
You’ve got such a charming grin that indeed God gives you each chance to smile.
Whew I needed that! Thank you!
Thank you from the depths of my healing heart! Made the right decision to end an intimate dating relationship because, “he wasn’t ready.” Funny how he was ready for all of the benefits of a relationship without the title. NO NO And NO! I’m keeping my crown and will sit back on my Gold Vault where I belong until my true king comes. Cheers 🥂💙
I've never met a man that hasn't done this at least once in his life because men are often unsure until they aren't. The power is ours to decide how to deal with it.
I don't think it's because they're unsure, it might rather be because they take the other person for granted because they know the other person is not going away and will always be there. They feel like they don't have to make the decision because they can keep coming back so they want to "explore their other options" to see if there's "something better" out there. It's essentially selfish. I personally would never do something like this to someone, I would make it very clear that the person shouldn't waste their time waiting for something that will never happen because I don't share their feelings and cannot reciprocate what they feel.
It's really unfair and cruel to drag someone along like that. I don't have any respect for men who behave like this. :)
Especially if they have a pattern of stringing people along and wasting their time!
im a dude and dealing with this bs rn
@@Shad0wmoses Oh, yeah, in the recent years women have begun picking up this behavior. It's similarly bad, of course. And men can be anxiously attached, too, but it's usually women who are conditioned to be anxiously attached. And it's sometimes almost expected from them to stick around men who aren't willing to make a decision.
@@Analysis_Paralysis Nobody conditions women to stick with bad boys. Take responsibility.
@@oemj7147 Nature, nurture, psychology, various cultures, and even history all provide plenty of indicators why women may be conditioned to stay with unhealthy partners.
When that happened to me, I said to this guy, looking right in his eyes. I’m not going to be able to hang out with you because I feel attraction and I don’t want to wait until the day you find someone special. That will be in my mind all the time and I won’t be even good company to be around. I wish you the best but we need to cut this off now that you made it clear you’re still looking. He was very surprised and so was I…or should I say proud of myself?
From the horse’s mouth! I am right in the middle of grief and that really sucks. My wife died in Nov 11, 2012 and it is so triggering to grieve!!
100% I have had this twice in my life and the anxiety you feel is just dreadful agree with everything ❤️🙏🏼
And I think another big thing we have to realize is us as human beings sometimes can lie about what it is we truly want. More often men than women because naturally women want the stability of a relationship. I’ve had guys literally tell me everything I wanted to hear like “I want a relationship too” just to sleep with me and because I’m too trusting and gullible I believe that right off the bat. And then I don’t end up surprised when he starts switching up after seeing each other for a few months. And now it’s the same old “I don’t want to move too fast by jumping into a relationship too quick” or “I don’t want a relationship right now” and that’s completely fine to say but to lie about it is something I’ll never understand. I feel like you’ll hurt someone so much worse lying to their face instead of just being honest from the beginning.