Here are your choices when you are in a sexless marriage: 1) Leave. She will take half your stuff and you will be separated from your kids. 2) Cheat. She will eventually find out, leave YOU, take half your stuff, and you will be separated from your kids. 3) Talk to her about it, or seek counseling. You will be blamed for the problem. You will do everything you are asked to do. Sex will become conditional. You will feel like a loser. 4) Accept that THIS is now your life. Forget about sex and accept that is a thing of the past. Work on yourself. Develop hobbies. Enjoy s[ending time with your kids. Throw yourself into work. Get another degree. Workout. SOMETHING to where you never think about sex. I did number four. I figured it was the best course of action for me. It actually worked. I am much happier.
Great comment. Sex in marriage for women seems to be always transactional. Your traditional gender defined tasks are expected. No questions about that. No points earned. (only points taken away for not doing it on her schedule) The point system begins when you do your traditional gender defined tasks and a portion of hers. She will expect more and more. So initially, you earn greater points. But after awhile, their value drops and it takes more points to earn intimacy. Do something with her she enjoys? Points earned, don't participate in things she likes points removed or start again at zero.
Hitting the 7+ year mark of no sex with my partner. I'm utterly miserable. Of course, raising a kid has proven incredibly damaging to our marriage. Covid created lots of stress. And my partner ballooned in weight, no thanks to various drugs she was taken. Ugh, it's a total disaster. We've done therapy together but it still hasn't enabled us to reach a stage where we can have sex again. I badly want out but find myself in an impossible situation as I have nowhere to go and we both share the house now, 50/50. Knowing my daughter would be raised by divorced parents just wrecks my soul. I remember seeing the movie American Beauty with Kevin Spacey back in the late 1990s when I was still a bachelor. I said to myself then I would never, ever allow myself for that to happen to me. To find one self in a sexless marriage. And what happened? Exactly that. Life can be so cruelly ironic sometimes.
This sounds like such a difficult situation and I am so sorry that you're dealing with this. I can understand how this doesn't feel sustainable, but that you also feel trapped. Question for you: Did the therapist you saw actually specialize in sex therapy / sexuality? I ask because many people don't realize that not all therapists are the same, and many practice outside the scope of their expertise. So it's easy to "go to therapy" and then not get results and think the situation is hopeless.... when maybe it's not. (Think if you went to a basic general practitioner physician if you're dealing with cancer, or a heart condition. They won't know how to help you!) Before you give up, I hope you consider connecting with a specialist just to see what's possible. Here's more about sex therapy / intimacy coaching if you're interested: www.growingself.com/sex-therapy/ Wishing you all the best, my friend!
First mistake is to marry her... Second mistake, accept she became Jabba theHUT. Third mistake, not fill in your own needs, make sure you have a side chick. Mistake 4, do that 'therapy', it's a waste of money and time. Sorry to be so blunt... Now MAN UP !!!
The worst part about being rejected by your partner is not that you don’t satisfy you physical needs it is much more than that. It is the wall your partner puts between you that prevents you from expressing your love and affection for them. You both then miss out on the beauty of your oneness and sacred connection not just physically but also on all other levels of your being such as emotionally, mentally and spiritually. When your partner rejects you and you bring up in conversation that this connection is important to you and you are also rejected in your opinion, that is the most upsetting as your partner does not feel that this connection is important to them and also your view is not important either…
As a male who is rejected over and over by my partner, I could not imagine what it is also like for a woman to be rejected by her partner also. The way they seem happy to just drop an aspect of your relationship like it means nothing is the most upsetting as it’s like we who are being rejected just decide to drop an aspect of our relationship such as “oh I just decided I don’t ever want to make eye contact with you, it’s not that I don’t find you attractive, I just just feel the desire for it.” The partner saying in response “that’s not fair, I love to look into your eyes and for you to look into mine as we share a loving gaze together.” Then we say “Yeah, you just desire eye contact and I don’t so I don’t care.”
I have another resource for you too: It sounds like what's happening is making you feel (understandably) like your feelings and perspective is not valued by your partner, and that's really tough. (Your feelings matter!) Here's a resource about "emotional invalidation" that you might check out and potentially share with your partner. I wonder if helping them understand that this is more than about sex for you, but truly, about your feeling loved and respected, it might get through. That's what I'm hearing in your story anyway... On this page is an article AND a podcast and also a livestream on this topic: www.growingself.com/feeling-invalidated/ I hope it helps you Darren.
Just hit our 38 year anniversary and my husband has no interest in physical relationship with me. Im in good physical shape, am told im attractive and god knows, i want sex. But husband doesn't even pretend to come up with excuses anymore, its just a hard no. Ive turned to Ashley Madison and his support of me doing this only hurts more but it nice to feel like someone thinks im attractive
First the sex times slow down. Once a week goes to once a month goes to zero/stopped, My wife rejected me for 15 years. iT HURTS. SEX STOPS, THEN TOUCHING STOPS, THEN SHE STARTS HORDING JUNK, THEN YOU CANT MOVE IN YOUR HOUSE OR OPEN and CLOSE doors, then she maxes out credit cards, AND YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A POWER STRUGGLE.. Some how it is all your fault. But I still love her. First warning sign. When you keep her waiting for 2min she spits tacks, when she keeps you waiting for hours it is inconsequential. that's a warning sign.
This is a sad thing to say, but, dont get married. Went through this in my first marriage. Divorced. Will never do it again. Any woman insee now, its made very clear that there will be sex or go out separate ways.
Hello to all of you that watched this video and have left questions / comments about YOUR situation. I'm writing to let you know that I am going to be interviewing some world-class sex therapists this week to address some of your questions, and will post the videos from that interview for you. I hope it provides you with some direction. Question for YOU: What else do you want to know? If you have Qs about what to do in this situation, or how to make things better, let me know what's on your mind and I'll pose them to our experts on your behalf. You can leave your Qs in the comments or anonymously here: www.growingself.com/dear-lisa. If you want to get real fancy you can record your question and I'll make it part of the show: sayhi.chat/drlisa @darrenjeromemusic, @lordgreystoke, @karenstyres7190, @melkerner
Struggling to even make it to our 8th anniversary. Shes just a shitty roommate at this point that doesn't care to even split chores or responsibilities.
8 years without even a kiss, the previous 7 once a year, every year and a half. We had more sex in 2 months before we got married, than we have had in 22 years of marriage. She refuses to discuss her daily Prozac and propranolol impacts on her with her doctor - and refuses to get her hormones checked. Says, if she never has sex again - that's fine with her. Says she gets nothing from it (no wonder with the anti-anxiety meds and SSRI meds deadening her sensation and emotions). Just frustrating.
You know, one additional thought: This doesn't really sounds like a sustainable situation for you if I'm hearing this right. You should both get a say in what this relationship is like and if your partner isn't willing to participate in some fundamental ways (or work on herself) I bet that must make you feel powerless, and trapped. But you're not! Here are some additional resources you might check out: www.growingself.com/when-to-call-it-quits-in-a-relationship/ and www.growingself.com/discernment-counseling/ For the record I am NOT saying that you should end this relationship. Many (most!) relationships can be repaired, and I sincerely believe that you might have a great chapter a head of you. However, this kind of transformation does require both people to be motivated to work on things. It doesn't sound like that is currently the case with your situation. These resources I shared (one a podcast, one a specific type of counseling/coaching that fosters motivation and commitment) will help you know if this can change, and have courageous conversations that can potentially ignite some new motivation and commitment that leads to positive changes for both of you. Wishing you all the best...
Here are your choices when you are in a sexless marriage:
1) Leave. She will take half your stuff and you will be separated from your kids.
2) Cheat. She will eventually find out, leave YOU, take half your stuff, and you will be separated from your kids.
3) Talk to her about it, or seek counseling. You will be blamed for the problem. You will do everything you are asked to do. Sex will become conditional. You will feel like a loser.
4) Accept that THIS is now your life. Forget about sex and accept that is a thing of the past. Work on yourself. Develop hobbies. Enjoy s[ending time with your kids. Throw yourself into work. Get another degree. Workout. SOMETHING to where you never think about sex.
I did number four. I figured it was the best course of action for me. It actually worked. I am much happier.
Great comment. Sex in marriage for women seems to be always transactional. Your traditional gender defined tasks are expected. No questions about that. No points earned. (only points taken away for not doing it on her schedule) The point system begins when you do your traditional gender defined tasks and a portion of hers. She will expect more and more. So initially, you earn greater points. But after awhile, their value drops and it takes more points to earn intimacy. Do something with her she enjoys? Points earned, don't participate in things she likes points removed or start again at zero.
@@briar35981 Truth broh.
The fact that my sex life became conditional is one of life's greatest disappointments.
Glad you were able to find peace in a difficult situation my friend. Radical acceptance does have many benefits! Wishing you all the best.
Hitting the 7+ year mark of no sex with my partner. I'm utterly miserable. Of course, raising a kid has proven incredibly damaging to our marriage. Covid created lots of stress. And my partner ballooned in weight, no thanks to various drugs she was taken. Ugh, it's a total disaster. We've done therapy together but it still hasn't enabled us to reach a stage where we can have sex again. I badly want out but find myself in an impossible situation as I have nowhere to go and we both share the house now, 50/50. Knowing my daughter would be raised by divorced parents just wrecks my soul. I remember seeing the movie American Beauty with Kevin Spacey back in the late 1990s when I was still a bachelor. I said to myself then I would never, ever allow myself for that to happen to me. To find one self in a sexless marriage. And what happened? Exactly that. Life can be so cruelly ironic sometimes.
This sounds like such a difficult situation and I am so sorry that you're dealing with this. I can understand how this doesn't feel sustainable, but that you also feel trapped. Question for you: Did the therapist you saw actually specialize in sex therapy / sexuality? I ask because many people don't realize that not all therapists are the same, and many practice outside the scope of their expertise. So it's easy to "go to therapy" and then not get results and think the situation is hopeless.... when maybe it's not. (Think if you went to a basic general practitioner physician if you're dealing with cancer, or a heart condition. They won't know how to help you!) Before you give up, I hope you consider connecting with a specialist just to see what's possible. Here's more about sex therapy / intimacy coaching if you're interested: www.growingself.com/sex-therapy/ Wishing you all the best, my friend!
First mistake is to marry her... Second mistake, accept she became Jabba theHUT. Third mistake, not fill in your own needs, make sure you have a side chick. Mistake 4, do that 'therapy', it's a waste of money and time. Sorry to be so blunt... Now MAN UP !!!
The worst part about being rejected by your partner is not that you don’t satisfy you physical needs it is much more than that.
It is the wall your partner puts between you that prevents you from expressing your love and affection for them. You both then miss out on the beauty of your oneness and sacred connection not just physically but also on all other levels of your being such as emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
When your partner rejects you and you bring up in conversation that this connection is important to you and you are also rejected in your opinion, that is the most upsetting as your partner does not feel that this connection is important to them and also your view is not important either…
As a male who is rejected over and over by my partner, I could not imagine what it is also like for a woman to be rejected by her partner also. The way they seem happy to just drop an aspect of your relationship like it means nothing is the most upsetting as it’s like we who are being rejected just decide to drop an aspect of our relationship such as “oh I just decided I don’t ever want to make eye contact with you, it’s not that I don’t find you attractive, I just just feel the desire for it.” The partner saying in response “that’s not fair, I love to look into your eyes and for you to look into mine as we share a loving gaze together.” Then we say “Yeah, you just desire eye contact and I don’t so I don’t care.”
It's so hard, and unfortunately so common. I hope you can find a way forward.
I have another resource for you too: It sounds like what's happening is making you feel (understandably) like your feelings and perspective is not valued by your partner, and that's really tough. (Your feelings matter!) Here's a resource about "emotional invalidation" that you might check out and potentially share with your partner. I wonder if helping them understand that this is more than about sex for you, but truly, about your feeling loved and respected, it might get through. That's what I'm hearing in your story anyway...
On this page is an article AND a podcast and also a livestream on this topic: www.growingself.com/feeling-invalidated/ I hope it helps you Darren.
alone and sexless is allot better than married and sexless .
no sex no marriage .
I can understand how it would feel less frustrating, for sure...
Join the crowd
Just hit our 38 year anniversary and my husband has no interest in physical relationship with me. Im in good physical shape, am told im attractive and god knows, i want sex. But husband doesn't even pretend to come up with excuses anymore, its just a hard no. Ive turned to Ashley Madison and his support of me doing this only hurts more but it nice to feel like someone thinks im attractive
That is so hard and I'm so sorry. I hope you can find the support and connection you deserve.
I understand completely.
If sex inside the marriage isn't important to one partner then sex outside the marriage isn't important. Good move forward. Not an AM fan.
EXPLAIN? THIS IS INTERESTING, PLEASE.
@@tru2harris998explain what part?
First the sex times slow down. Once a week goes to once a month goes to zero/stopped, My wife rejected me for 15 years. iT HURTS. SEX STOPS, THEN TOUCHING STOPS, THEN SHE STARTS HORDING JUNK, THEN YOU CANT MOVE IN YOUR HOUSE OR OPEN and CLOSE doors, then she maxes out credit cards, AND YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A POWER STRUGGLE.. Some how it is all your fault. But I still love her. First warning sign. When you keep her waiting for 2min she spits tacks, when she keeps you waiting for hours it is inconsequential. that's a warning sign.
That sounds like an awful situation. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. Best of luck to you
This is a sad thing to say, but, dont get married. Went through this in my first marriage. Divorced. Will never do it again. Any woman insee now, its made very clear that there will be sex or go out separate ways.
Hello to all of you that watched this video and have left questions / comments about YOUR situation. I'm writing to let you know that I am going to be interviewing some world-class sex therapists this week to address some of your questions, and will post the videos from that interview for you. I hope it provides you with some direction. Question for YOU: What else do you want to know? If you have Qs about what to do in this situation, or how to make things better, let me know what's on your mind and I'll pose them to our experts on your behalf. You can leave your Qs in the comments or anonymously here: www.growingself.com/dear-lisa. If you want to get real fancy you can record your question and I'll make it part of the show: sayhi.chat/drlisa @darrenjeromemusic, @lordgreystoke,
@karenstyres7190, @melkerner
Struggling to even make it to our 8th anniversary. Shes just a shitty roommate at this point that doesn't care to even split chores or responsibilities.
She give me 30 days to leave no divorce but i drink liquor to cope mot making babies
stay strong, my man
8 years without even a kiss, the previous 7 once a year, every year and a half. We had more sex in 2 months before we got married, than we have had in 22 years of marriage. She refuses to discuss her daily Prozac and propranolol impacts on her with her doctor - and refuses to get her hormones checked. Says, if she never has sex again - that's fine with her. Says she gets nothing from it (no wonder with the anti-anxiety meds and SSRI meds deadening her sensation and emotions). Just frustrating.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I hope you can find good help for your relationship. You deserve to feel loved and connected.
You know, one additional thought: This doesn't really sounds like a sustainable situation for you if I'm hearing this right. You should both get a say in what this relationship is like and if your partner isn't willing to participate in some fundamental ways (or work on herself) I bet that must make you feel powerless, and trapped. But you're not! Here are some additional resources you might check out:
www.growingself.com/when-to-call-it-quits-in-a-relationship/ and www.growingself.com/discernment-counseling/ For the record I am NOT saying that you should end this relationship. Many (most!) relationships can be repaired, and I sincerely believe that you might have a great chapter a head of you. However, this kind of transformation does require both people to be motivated to work on things. It doesn't sound like that is currently the case with your situation.
These resources I shared (one a podcast, one a specific type of counseling/coaching that fosters motivation and commitment) will help you know if this can change, and have courageous conversations that can potentially ignite some new motivation and commitment that leads to positive changes for both of you.
Wishing you all the best...
@@DrLisaMarieBobby Appreciate the links and information - really like your channel
No, you can't duplicate my life with my wife
Grow courage and leave … otherwise suffer like a doormat