and that's why I love this quote "The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it's not. It is an existential truth: only those people who are capable of being alone are capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of another person--without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom, because they know that if the other leaves, they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other, because it is not given by the other. "- Osho
@Marten Dekker When you learn to be a bit more polite you may understand what Mansi is really talking about! Not beeing afraid of losing somebody may help not to lose that somebody!
So true. First of all you have to have good relationship with yourself, love yourself and connect to your inner being so you will be able to understand love.
I believe her outlook is more European so of course relationship management take a whole new level, away from the Christian background (or any religion for that matter) so not everything is about family duty, the burden is not all on men to sustain a forever relationship, temptation is addressed matter of factly. Anyway if you take away the guilt then you can really start sound reflexion...
@@nait51 As an American and a Christian, her viewpoints speak to me and I'm certain others in America greatly. I don't feel any sort of European influence. She has travelled the world and has worked with couples from many areas, as she once shared in a TEDTalk. I think she understands all of the west in general. Everything she says resonates with not just my relationships but those of others I know as well.
every couple has issues-- the questions is which issues you wanna deal with, you pick this person you will deal with those issues, you pick that person you will deal with other issues. well said.
I agree 100%. I kept explaining this to my ex when she asked if our relationship was ideal, normal, etc. and I just said "everyone is different. It's up to us if we feel this version of love makes us happy." In our case breaking up was the better choice, but I blame that largely on her inability to be content with how we were, instead constantly comparing things to a fictional ideal.
@@tiffanymendoza9329 That's your fault. Thinking that their happiness was more important than yours. Stop. Your happiness comes first. Practice #selfesteem #selflove
I knew my husband was the one because when I was around him, I felt sooo calm and at peace, I was content even if we were just doing nothing ❤️ 11 years later and he’s still the one and I’m more in love w him today then I have ever been.
Exactly the point she is trying to make here. Perhaps you did not have the modern list of entitlements in the name of love 11 years ago. Btw, may you both have a life of love in abundance and you don't get destroyed by modern definitions and false expectations.
This makes me think about a wonderful line from The Good Place: “You don’t find your soul mate. You choose your soul mate.” The person who is “The One” for you is going to be the person who wants to face this crazy thing called life with you, through all the ups and downs. They’ll be the person who chooses you, and who you choose.
And sometimes that soulmate does not have to be in a romantic relationship with you. Friends can be soulmates too and you can choose to go through life together.
"Every couple has issues. The only question is which issues you want to deal with. You pick this person, you'll deal with these issues. You pick that person, you'll deal with other issues."
I just discovered you on a TED talk episode, and I can't tell you how much I admire your wisdom, honesty, and wonderful humor. I dream of being your research assistant one day. These difficult topics are fascinating to me because they reveal how frail we are and how much the deck is stacked against us the moment we are born. What you are doing, sharing your insights , help shine a light, is the kind of humanitarian endeavor that is very much needed right now in our world.
PM Lover I act agree with you that the deck is stacked against us since birth. I dont think life is 'hard', but that life is a learning experience. Xxx
0:15 the idea of the one & choice 0:49 what does the concept of "the one" mean? 1:23 the one being phenomenal 1:47 the wish-list / community vs. partnership 2:46 Esther's message 3:06 how to define the idea of "the ONE" new 3:31 "write a story together"
Yes!!! I say this too- everybody has issues, you just have to decide what kind of issues you are most willing to tolerate. Simple. Great video Esther, thanks :)
The last guy I dated thought I was “the one” for him. Trying to meet his expectations made me physically sick. I loved him but I felt too much pressure on me; I wasn’t happy, but I loved him and wanted to make him happy by being with him and being perfect for him. Of course, if you’re not happy everything will be just worst and worst. Don’t look for “the one” please, look for a person you want to take care of and who you feel is like your best friend.
I think you are right.. both partners need to have that mindset. It's actually unfair to ask everything of your partner.. they will never be able to provide. We can ask the other person to grow alongside us but we can't demand anything specific. And don't give up when it doesn't play out like a perfect fairy tale.
The other piece of this is there really are multiple people out there for us, not just one. I think that's the main thing I dislike about the term. There are at least a handful of people if not more who are compatible enough with us that we could make it work if both parties are invested and want to. The term "the one" just romanticizes it all too much and I think also encourages us to make decisions about partnerships purely in regards to how someone makes us feel while simultaneously ignoring whether or not we are actually compatible with them. Chemistry is not compatibility.
@@stephelisabeth3143 Wow, very well said. I could not agree more. Also about how chemistry does not equal compatibility - I feel like more people need to know and understand this.
I started dating someone who said I was his soulmate. Thing is, I feel the same way. It’s like I’ve always been with him. Me, the eternal skeptic! The one who said I was going to be alone forever. Who said they were happy for friends who ‘found love’ but secretly was jealous. He said he’s been waiting for me. And I’ve been waiting for him. I feel dopey saying it but it sure does feel good. And I don’t even want to say anything negative because it really feels right. 😍
Maria Knez Depends on how one defines IDEAL....there’s no ‘wrong ‘ or ‘right’, if we all being authentic and communicating ...and still choosing to create a journey together
@@kambebradley8675 That attitude is proactive and harmonical in a way that may be called ideal. 😊 Especially when a journey is through the "deep divine inner connection", as you said before. 🌻
She's exactly right. No other person can give us the inner validation we need. We must know and love ourselves fiest, the way our Creator designed, before we can love another out of the overflow.
Hello Be emotionally available for ourselves when its necessary which is more than not... creating our own individual balance. Being free is what freedom is all about this gives us a peaceful existence.
Absolutely Profound… Esther you nail reality, no one can be everything, it’s impossible. A relationship is a story that allows hiccups and editing, this is real life… if you can be alone and love yourself, you become the one you need, the one that can share life, not expecting the other to be your life, because you’re “the one” Esther, over the past few years I’ve listened to you, and continue to learn from you, you’re a breathe of fresh air, richly insightful and filled with great wisdom … thank you for taking the time you do to share with all of us, Grateful.
"I want with you, basically, I would normally get from an entire community" such a true statement about modern dating! It goes to show that even a seemingly unrelated issue like 'dating' hasn't escaped the break down of community
When i was 17, I've asked my mother: How did you know that my father was THE ONE, when will I be sure that somebody is the one? My mother replied - When you DIE - in the meantime you will doubt yourself sometimes more, sometimes less. It was plain and simple and removed "the one" concept from my mind. I was expecting some story when I saw him the light shined....
Wow…your mom was a wise woman 😊 I can’t stand when people say “you’ll know” “you’ll never have any doubts” BS! Your mom was right on target with her advice to you😊
The one is the person who being with him or her doesn't require you to change. The connection is effortless and you are at peace with yourself in this relationship. Old saying is the relationship brings the best out of you.
I think this is false. When entering a relationship you educate yourself when experiencing it which means you evolve and evolution is change. Change for the good of course but if it’s a negative change you’re on about then you’d be correct
It's a bit unrealistic to expect someone to be meet all their needs lol...relationships are not like that at all, that's why we need to provide that for ourselves. Shared values, interests and attraction is incredibly important...I love how she puts all this information together, she's not only a realist but a very wise woman who explores the topic in a way that is illuminating, I like this woman, she's smart!
The paradox of choice...and finding the one! Yes.... the paradox. Putting the pressure of meeting all our needs on one person is the worst ! I love that she explains this ❤
I love EVERY video I see on RUclips from Esther. She is super down to earth and provides intelligent insights into our relationships and modern behaviors. She is so humble but actually... she is the queen 👸! Just love her perspective. Thank you Esther, echt tof hoor!
That make sense, Esther. I never could have described the One who crossed my path. When I found the One, I didn’t define what he has to be. I loved the world he was, he felt so much the world I wanted in my world, he could meet me, where I wanted to be met, soul family, felt so familiar, he was committed, save, adventurous, spiritual, so much to learn from, exciting to be with. 32 years older, 1 month after we met, he almost died, wounded but open and brave,. We had a lot off challenges, but our bound made it possible. I felt very loved by him. My heart knew, he was the right one. And after 19 years single, he died in 2000, I call in a new world, one that merge with mine. My heart will know, sense, that he is the one that can meet me where I want to be met. Strong enough bounded to evolve, to take challenges, to have fun, to uplift, to give space, to be true, to navigate with each other,
I've heard Ester a few times now and I've really tried to embrace her way of thinking, but I can't help but feel having listened to her carefully that she is a proponent of keeping the idea going that humans have to be in a relationship - or relationships - in order to survive. This notion is archaic. The problem is that society does not teach people how to deal with life or let alone live life. Society operates by large within a framework of unrealistic conditions and expectations - you're born, you grow up, get a degree, get married, have children, and retire. That's the basic life template and most people are living that life - but are they REALLY happy? Nope. Because they haven't learnt how to deal with the curve balls life throws at them, and they carry that baggage into their relationships. You haven't found the tools to help you deal with the heaviness of life. You can't constantly look at others to help you or point you in the right direction. I think it is unfair to expect someone else to solve your problems. At some point, you need to stop and figure stuff out for yourself. Finding a partner is the worse thing you can do when you're not in the correct headspace. These are things nobody tells you, you only find out when you end up in a relationship with someone who is slightly unhinged. I wish people would realise that you have choices in life. You don't always have to be in a relationship. Learn to spend time with yourself and discover who you are, instead of waiting hand and foot on somebody else to make you feel better about yourself. If you believe someone makes you happy, then they can make you unhappy. If someone can fall in love with you, then they can fall out of love with you too. That's the natural order of life. But people do not know how to deal with some of those harsh realities that are often experienced in relationships. Sometimes people elongate their relationship, when really it's time to let go. It's finding that balance of knowing when to stay or go. There is freedom in loving and taking care of yourself without being dependent on someone. Be in a relationship that compliments who you are as a person, that accepts you for who you are and allows you to flourish. If you're in a relationship where the person is constantly asking for compliments, pouring their problems onto you and expecting you to fix everything, and when you can't fix it, they blame you for not caring enough or being enough for them. The question then is - 'was that worth it?'. Get out of that relationship, it's not a good place to be. All this emphasis on relationships and connections and the human condition. The longest relationship you will ever have with anybody is yourself - learn to appreciate and enjoy that - and choose carefully who you give your time, wisdom and love to!!!
I get what you’re saying, and do believe media needs to focus more on our personal relationships with ourselves and how that will lead to true happiness with others. But i disagree, the notion of human relationships as necessity is not archaic. We are social creatures. i think Ester knows this and I believe a low level theme of this video is that “you have to be secure with yourself to realize one person cannot be your everything.” Also keeping in mind Esther’s expertise is in relationships, she’s not a life coach. The fact that she’s helping people with relationships doesn’t equate to her saying “you must be in a relationship”. She literally never said that.
@@lolmeeky Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. Fair enough. This is where Esther is massively contradicting herself - or she's completely missing the point. To be secure in yourself actually means self discovery. If you want to be secure in your relationship, then you have to do the background work on your own, which she clearly is opposed to - asking the ultimate question 'Who Am I'. Then her advise or therapy becomes invalid because she doesn't have a tangible solution. Lowering your expectations of each other isn't going to help you or your partner from feeling less insecure than when you started the relationship, because by that point, the damage has already been done - you've let each other down from not meeting your high expectations. The reality is people form relationships when they're already feeling insecure - low self confidence / trust issues - because they haven't found or developed the tools to make them secure, so they are searching for that in their relationship. You carry those heavy bags of insecurity into the relationship and weigh it down. For centuries societies have been led to believe that relationships - marriage - provide you with love, wealth, prosperity, and security, so it's not surprising then that people expect their partners to provide them with a village. If that was actually true then divorce or break ups simply wouldn't happen. It's a false sense of narrative that is being sold. You cannot be secure in a relationship if you don't invest time in figuring out who you are for yourself. It is not up to your partner/spouse to define your self worth - you do that work on your own. Hence which is why I don't share her view because it doesn't make sense and it is an archaic way of thinking because these ideas have been passed down for generations - and Esther is not telling you anything different, new or even radical, it's the same stuff. If you want to be in a healthy relationship, then both partners have to realise there are other aspects to your being that also fulfil you - your work, your passions, your creativity - explore those things and that is when you will experience a richer and fuller relationship. Going on a journey of self discovery isn't about preparing how to be in a relationship, self discovery is about learning the essential skills and tools that guide you throughout your life - something that is exempt from education systems because the world is designed to make people feel insecure which these institutions such as marriage/relationships feed off of. A massive oversight on her part. Societies need to teach and value self-worth as much as they celebrate coupledom. The solution is for both of those things to coexist. It's true, you can't live your entire life on your own, but it's also true that you can't spend your entire life with someone either. Humans are complex beings, and life is about striking that balance of discovering who are you to have more meaning in your relationships without compromising yourself/who you are in the process.
Is it archaic? Married people live longer . Eagles mate for life. There was a story about a matriarch jackdaw, separated by the War, who fell for her mate when he too came back. Animals mate when they are asexually mature. They don't have to wait for marriage. A man argued that nesting birds separate when the chick's leave the nest, and he wanted to do the same. But his parents had been together for 50 years, like me and my wife. But she and I were an item on the evening when we met, so we are not typical. Monogamy suits us both, but there is room for other relationships. Falling out of love is a risk that newlyweds take, and Esther deals with that. The no-maintenance marriage is a Hollywood fantasy.
I love the metaphor of the story, building a story with another person. At the root of all problems with relationships today is pronounced, exaggerated expectations. There are imperfections in an imperfect world.
I think a relationship must not interfer in a big way in the search of happiness of the individual. The problem comes when people says: Ideal Relationship=Happiness Therefore: Ideal Partner=Happiness Then we found ourselves looking for somebody that fix us and our lives. That, like chasing the treasure at the end of the rainbow, it's another illusion
You're my idol. I'm studying psychology and I want to learn more about relationships, so I watch your videos and I can say that you always teach me something new. Thank you.
Thank you. This is also great to hear for someone who is already in a relationship. In books are stories of passion but in real life there is only the one story we write together hand in hand. It never is easy but it is also an accomplishment. ❤️
Every teen and adult needs to watch this video. It teaches more about real romance than all the fluffy romance movies. I felt convicted and disillusioned at the same time. Thanks, Esther!
Yes! That’s true! The description of „The One“ is more a description of God. And in order to have a healthy relationship one should never expect from the other one to be God but to love him in his qualities and his brokenness.
No marriage is perfect and no partner. But where the partners take each other for granted and doesn't work for betterment of marriage, that's where it gets worse. Great advice n Counselling. Thank you ma'am. 😊
Thank you so much! Its such a relief to hear that there is no such think as the 'one'. I knew it of course, but you justifying that no person can meet all our needs, just took a load off my shoulders
My mother passed before I turned 12, so I never had a maternal influence through puberty. But Esther has got to have been a phenomenal mother to her two boys. As the female gatekeeper for nurturing kids, I can only conclude she kept it wide open and facilitated Jack's role-modeling for their sons. I also can't imagine a situation of marital conflict in misunderstanding that couldn't be resolved with such a woman as this. Powerful. Faith restoring.
Patrick Goppold I felt the same way! I had to keep pausing the podcast to stop and think about what she was saying. She throws out such big, important perspectives at such a rapid pace!!
Wow! A wake-up call to us all! That's some serious straight talking. We might not like it, but I guess life's a whole lot easier when we accept the truth. Thanks Esther.
Traveled to approx. 50 countries after growing up in 🇺🇸 and she hits the nail on the head. Dated models etc. and learned that APPRECIATION is the key to happiness. Not what the TV would want you to believe. She explains much more, of course, on things of importance and she definitely has a full grasp of interpersonal relationships, chemistry etc. I would go on a date with her. Intelligence is extremely attractive IMO.
I guess I’m the minority and am more fortunate than I realize because my wife fulfills everything I need in a human being and we’re going strong 6 years now and are more in love every year we are together. I’m definitely the guy that tells people not to settle and that special feeling of “this is the person I want to grow old with” 100% exists. I think this advice could steer people wrong who have not found a person that is truly right for them and be made to think their standards are simply too high and need to settle. I was told what I wanted in a partner didn’t exist and my wife was told the exact the same thing. We proved everybody wrong. If you’re in a hurry and want to have a family; if you’re tired of being alone and are okay with finding someone who is “good enough”- then this advice is sound. If you are willing to possibly die alone searching for someone to share your life with that is truly someone you nearly worship with the awe of what a precious human being they are, then this advice will lead to regret and sadness. Oh and by the way, you don’t need to have figured everything out and “found yourself” before meeting this person. I was an insecure mess when I met my now wife. You simply need to be willing to bare your soul. 🙏✌️
You may think that works for you, but that’s sh*t advice for people reading this. I could enumerate some of your psychological problems, but I’ll let you live them.
I found Esther Perel today, I'm going to be following her for a really long long time from now. A lot of answers I'm looking for about myself and the world around me!
yes everybody has issues, and we write a story as we go thru life. how do you continue to edit the story when you come to an impass after 20 yrs? the story has changed we have grown into completely different people, opposite in our values, how we raised our children became a struggle of wills. our retirement goals were edited differently. our political beliefs became polar opposites. I couldn't even find the person I married anymore. this was a slow and subtle change that I compromised with for far too long.i had to choose between a life edited far away from what goals we had set 20+ years ago or get back on the path of a life that resembles my values and beliefs. my path has been reset. the course is reset and I am once again making progress. I would love to share my journey but I don't think I can handle editing my course if the person chosen drifts too far off course. it is getting difficult to find openness early on in a new relationship. as we age we protect ourselves more than when we were young and adventurous. I'm not as eager to look for a companion as I once was. if it happens, great, until then I am experiencing the adventures on my own. so the next time you see someone at the beach or on a cruise or the single person in the scuba diving group please don't pity them. we are simply choosing to experience & celebrate life. sorry this got a bit off course ; )
Correct,people change and even have mid life crises and affairs possibly or if one loses weight becomes more confident, that feels a betrayal to the other
Chris Sanchez, when people ask "Why no boyfriend?" I'm gonna' quote you: my chosen person drifted too far off course, so I am resetting the course. Thanks (:
I could've written this myself! It just goes to show the extent of shared relationship issues and those of the self. Is 20 years in a golden period or something? :)
Changes can go either way, good or bad. My question, to witch I don’t have answer to, is: when is the right time to close the book and start writing it on your own? Or has it already begun long time ago? What good is it to stay in a relationship of witchever kind (friends, relatives, partners) if you are not sharing your fears and experiances...
hard one to find our life partner isn't it? i hopemy boyfriend is the ONE but hard to say and consider now . sometimes it's hard sometimes not especially when we use grreat natural spanish fly which i got form my best friend chloe. really 5 drops that all it takes
It's very problematic to marry someone because we think they can meet all or even most or our needs in the way we think they will and should. No one can meet all of our needs perfectly, and by "perfectly" I mean to our standards. If we stopped focusing so much on the question "how can my spouse fulfill my needs and love me better," and shifted our attention to the question "how can I love my spouse better?" Then we would probably start seeing more functional relationships. But this all comes down to a persons definition of love, and what we will do if we think we are not receiving the love we think we deserve. First off, many would think love to be a feeling, but I believe it's a choice. I will choose to show you love when you're unlovable. I will choose to resist the flirtations of another person because I love you. I will cook your favorite meal, even though I hate that dish, because I love you. Showing love to others means living up to our vows even in the moments when we don't want to. So love doesn't stop if you don't love me the way I love myself and my passions; love stops when I choose myself and my passions over my spouse.
No offense and with all due respect, it's probably problematic or challenging to you because you may be denying your selfish desires. Do you remember when you were about 13 or 14 years young when the person you really desired aroused such a strong sexual attraction from you? Before your sexual romantic love ideals perhaps became corrupt through accepting the wrong ideas or ideology. I believe there is someone for out there that arouses strong sexual passions and you maybe ignoring them or denying this pleasure for some reason unknown to me. Once you find this potential lover, you will feel exalted and know what is means to be excited and passionate again about your lover as you once did when you were the age ranges I mentioned. "Vows" you seem to treat sexual romantic love as if it were a moral duty or obligation. Sexual romantic love is volitional as you stated before. Which celebrity or famous if any do you sexually admire most? Whoever this person is they have the potential to be your lover because they meet your personal standards of attraction.
Every time I've used the approach of fulfilling their needs and loving them better, it's always been taken for granted, created a rift of distance and generated complacency on their end. You can't win.
< I will choose to resist the flirtations of another person because I love you.> Is that because you could arouse your partner's jealousy? If both partners agree on what kind of flirting they allow, it can be profitable for both. < love stops when I choose myself and my passions over my spouse.> When one disregards and doesn't care about pursuing his own passions and creativity, he dims his light and becomes resentful or demanding. Why not reconcile both togetherness and individuality, with the aim of building a healthy relationship?
This is exactly how I view true romance, and I get burned over and over by people who see my caring nature as something to be exploited. I hope you find someone or something that returns your level of care.
Might sound strange but I find it comforting to know that there isn’t actually ONE person out there who could provide everything. It’s just a fantasy. We already have everything.
I think what Esther regards as a definition for "the one" is not necessarily what others think. When I want to know if I've found "the one", what I mean is that I want to know if I've found the one I can spend my life with. Not that I only require one person in my life. My family, friends, teachers, god etc are all extremely important to me and so, one person will never fulfil all of their roles. But I want to know whether he's the one that I could spend my life with. I don't know of anyone who says "you're the one" who means anything different. Certainly not "you're the only person I'll ever need" because what a lonely and closed-off life that would lead to
The fact that she stated is so true. I am presently in a great relationship and there is always this thought in my mind that even though I have this limited dating experience and at very young age I see myself settling down with this person some time in the future, I know that I could date a 100 more people and I would still choose to settle down with this person. It is all about the choice you make and what you choose to believe in.
I found this channel by accident. I could not put my finger on what is so wrong with the online dating world...she explained it perfectly. I am guilty of this. In my younger years I never felt this way.
Not into dating online, though I have met the one who has met me half way. Both understood all the consequences and commitments it takes and the mutual agreement it can take to love the one who love and see you and who love you in the same way...such beautiful love that goes back and forth with compassion ❤
I first heard Esther on Ted Talk...loved it but on Friday I listened to ALL 10 Episodes of "Where Should We Begin?" Changed some of my wrong thinking about relationships and confirmed some of my essential thoughts about having a good,balanced authentic relationship. I'm convinced if we had more REAL talk...like this ...there would be less divorce because men and women would see things BEFORE they get married. most people's head are too in the clouds and miss important things about themselves and their partner. Esther encourages a oneness that is based on both partners serving each other instead of selfishness..Love her...I think she is brilliant 🙌🙌
I used to date a looooot of men, go out like crazy, always looking for THE one. I even fell in love with some of the guys, or so I thought. Looking back, I must've been rather infatuated or attached but certainly not in love. How do I know that? Well, I'm happy now with my man, 12 years going strong and he couldn't be further from what I was looking for in a man - drama (superficially speaking). Crazy, right??! My husband, he is calm, he's always reassuring, he'd never raise his voice or have a temper with me, he always tells me everything and vice versa. We both believe in trust and friendship, first and foremost. We like to spent time with each other, even the lockdown has had no negative effect on us. On the other hand, we both enjoy our me-time, he loves to play computer games, I enjoy reading and music. But then, in the evenings we'd come back together and enjoy something together. And that is the most important thing ever. You know when you don't have to ask yourself all the time if he/she is the one. Loving someone is not knowing but doing. Being together and making the best of it. Nobody's perfect and no partner will ever be. Not me, not him. But together magic happens. Silently, without trumpets and crazy butterflies all the time :-) may you all find love!
You just described my dating history, as well as exactly the kind of relationship I want! So beautiful, and lovely to hear that it's out there, that you found it. 💛 And thank you for the well wishes- I hope we (single people and people in unharmonious relationships) find it too! ✨
You will, I'm certain. I simply had to give up the drama. I guess I've read too many books or so because I always expected a knight in shining armor. In reality, love appeared in form of a man that I felt attracted to but that I initially didn't put in the longterm category. Just because we're so different. I'm very outgoing and loud, I care very much about my reputation and looks, my image so to say. He's like from another galaxy. He's quiet and leaned back, he's not a people's person but rather prefers quiet evenings and solitude. At least, most of the time. But like I said, we started going out and bonded over having the same values and beliefs. And we enjoy being together, listening to music, watching TV, talking walks and planning our next big trip. I wish you well and a lot of love 💜
@@smeemira8225 I love that!!! Thank you for sharing!! I am definitely over drama. Values and beliefs are key, and I'm so flexible with what type of person they are otherwise. Thank you again and I'll keep my chin up.
"Each couple has issues, the only question is which are the issues you want to deal with. You pick this person you will deal with those issues, you pick that person you will deal with other issues".
The couples I know who cut out all the other relationships in their lives when they got together usually ended up breaking up. We get fulfillment from a variety of relationships: parents, siblings, children, friends, coworkers, etc. And especially from our relationship with God. As the Bible says, he fulfills the desires of our heart. If we try to make our spouse fulfill all those roles, disappointment is inevitable.
Another good statement I heard from an astronaut was that everyone no matter how young or old, or what economic background etc, everyone has struggles. Therefore, let's be kinder to one another. So incredibly true. All couples have issues. Might not be the same as you are going through but there are others and we all have them.
oh there is the one, but most times she cheats on you when something better comes along, never satisfied til they hit 50 alone and realize their best years are behind them
Thank you very well presented, this coming from someone married 55 years before my wife passed. The way you started I felt someone had to do a phenomenal job to keep you pleased. No such person exists, but somehow we are led to believe that there is someone like that if we are in love. I think you made your point very clear who you marry you will need to be comfortable with and realize you have to put something into the marriage yourself. I've seen one-sided marriages and it's so much better when it's not one-sided. Thanks
This is the best piece of relationship advice ever given! Figure out which inter-problems you are best suited to navigate and chose your partner accordingly!
And don’t dwell too long on the faults of the person you chose. Be thankful for those faults. Those faults are what kept them from getting a better spouse.
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and that's why I love this quote "The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it's not. It is an existential truth: only those people who are capable of being alone are capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of another person--without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom, because they know that if the other leaves, they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other, because it is not given by the other.
"- Osho
Wow I loved it 👏👌
I really do like your comment!
@Marten Dekker When you learn to be a bit more polite you may understand what Mansi is really talking about! Not beeing afraid of losing somebody may help not to lose that somebody!
@Marten Dekker OK then (?). All the best to you!
So true. First of all you have to have good relationship with yourself, love yourself and connect to your inner being so you will be able to understand love.
This is the clearest and most sound advice you could possibly get on the internet about dating advice. Unbelievable.
Have just discovered her... She is phenomenal!
I believe her outlook is more European so of course relationship management take a whole new level, away from the Christian background (or any religion for that matter) so not everything is about family duty, the burden is not all on men to sustain a forever relationship, temptation is addressed matter of factly.
Anyway if you take away the guilt then you can really start sound reflexion...
Gabriel Kerr She has extensive background in psychotherapy. Watch out for quacks like Brian Nox
@@nait51 As an American and a Christian, her viewpoints speak to me and I'm certain others in America greatly. I don't feel any sort of European influence. She has travelled the world and has worked with couples from many areas, as she once shared in a TEDTalk. I think she understands all of the west in general. Everything she says resonates with not just my relationships but those of others I know as well.
i could not have said it better myself .absolutely perfect i agree 100%
every couple has issues-- the questions is which issues you wanna deal with, you pick this person you will deal with those issues, you pick that person you will deal with other issues. well said.
I agree 100%. I kept explaining this to my ex when she asked if our relationship was ideal, normal, etc. and I just said "everyone is different. It's up to us if we feel this version of love makes us happy." In our case breaking up was the better choice, but I blame that largely on her inability to be content with how we were, instead constantly comparing things to a fictional ideal.
@@oscarwilde9581 Very good additional thought!
100% what I've always thought. 🙌
So much clarity coming behind these words 👌🏻👌🏻
WISDOM
"There is not one person who can give us everything."
She said it's possible
True. The rest you give to yourself..
Don't expect anyone to give you everything.
But I have been in situations where they took everything..
@@tiffanymendoza9329 That's your fault. Thinking that their happiness was more important than yours. Stop. Your happiness comes first. Practice #selfesteem #selflove
I knew my husband was the one because when I was around him, I felt sooo calm and at peace, I was content even if we were just doing nothing ❤️ 11 years later and he’s still the one and I’m more in love w him today then I have ever been.
Exactly the point she is trying to make here.
Perhaps you did not have the modern list of entitlements in the name of love 11 years ago.
Btw, may you both have a life of love in abundance and you don't get destroyed by modern definitions and false expectations.
wow. Do u work on the relationship..as they say now..
Honestly I agree that I would rather have someone who calms me down than someone who stirs up butterflies and sets things on fire.
I love this
Lol!
This makes me think about a wonderful line from The Good Place: “You don’t find your soul mate. You choose your soul mate.” The person who is “The One” for you is going to be the person who wants to face this crazy thing called life with you, through all the ups and downs. They’ll be the person who chooses you, and who you choose.
And sometimes that soulmate does not have to be in a romantic relationship with you. Friends can be soulmates too and you can choose to go through life together.
True
ONLY BODY NEEDS A MATE,SOUL IS COMPLETE BY ITSELF
What if there’s multiple people like this? How do we choose?
@@celizxo4246 unless you’re talking about romance, there’s no need to choose. You can have as many friends as you like.
She is so intelligent! You pick this person, you deal with this issues, you pick the other person, you deal with the other issues. It is so true.
Peipei Guo,hope you are in a good relationship cause you are too precious!
"Every couple has issues. The only question is which issues you want to deal with. You pick this person, you'll deal with these issues. You pick that person, you'll deal with other issues."
if you really pick the wrong person
you will also deal with Tissues
I love this woman. Speaks the truth
❤
i am the one for me. done deal. 😂
,😂😂😂😂lmaaooo
Shiiiii lol
n f: Hey, me, too. lol (:
Thats Narsastitic😀
Well said
I just discovered you on a TED talk episode, and I can't tell you how much I admire your wisdom, honesty, and wonderful humor. I dream of being your research assistant one day. These difficult topics are fascinating to me because they reveal how frail we are and how much the deck is stacked against us the moment we are born. What you are doing, sharing your insights , help shine a light, is the kind of humanitarian endeavor that is very much needed right now in our world.
PM Lover I act agree with you that the deck is stacked against us since birth. I dont think life is 'hard', but that life is a learning experience. Xxx
As animals , we’re not made for this modern world that we created.
0:15 the idea of the one & choice
0:49 what does the concept of "the one" mean?
1:23 the one being phenomenal
1:47 the wish-list / community vs. partnership
2:46 Esther's message
3:06 how to define the idea of "the ONE" new
3:31 "write a story together"
The video is the same amount of time as a song. There's no need to cut it down. The whole message should be heard in its entirety.
@@mauia88
Interesting! Do you have a poem? 😉
This was completely unnecessary. Whose attention span is less than 4 minutes?
This moron broke down a 4 minute video.
Yes!!! I say this too- everybody has issues, you just have to decide what kind of issues you are most willing to tolerate. Simple. Great video Esther, thanks :)
The last guy I dated thought I was “the one” for him. Trying to meet his expectations made me physically sick. I loved him but I felt too much pressure on me; I wasn’t happy, but I loved him and wanted to make him happy by being with him and being perfect for him. Of course, if you’re not happy everything will be just worst and worst. Don’t look for “the one” please, look for a person you want to take care of and who you feel is like your best friend.
I think you are right.. both partners need to have that mindset. It's actually unfair to ask everything of your partner.. they will never be able to provide. We can ask the other person to grow alongside us but we can't demand anything specific. And don't give up when it doesn't play out like a perfect fairy tale.
The other piece of this is there really are multiple people out there for us, not just one. I think that's the main thing I dislike about the term. There are at least a handful of people if not more who are compatible enough with us that we could make it work if both parties are invested and want to. The term "the one" just romanticizes it all too much and I think also encourages us to make decisions about partnerships purely in regards to how someone makes us feel while simultaneously ignoring whether or not we are actually compatible with them. Chemistry is not compatibility.
@@stephelisabeth3143 Wow, very well said. I could not agree more. Also about how chemistry does not equal compatibility - I feel like more people need to know and understand this.
@@stephelisabeth3143 shared values, interests etc. Are ..
I started dating someone who said I was his soulmate. Thing is, I feel the same way. It’s like I’ve always been with him. Me, the eternal skeptic! The one who said I was going to be alone forever. Who said they were happy for friends who ‘found love’ but secretly was jealous. He said he’s been waiting for me. And I’ve been waiting for him. I feel dopey saying it but it sure does feel good. And I don’t even want to say anything negative because it really feels right. 😍
bam...she broke it down....Love Esther
You are the One you are looking for...deep divine inner connection💛💛🌸
@@kambebradley8675
Yes but that source is the same for everyone and you still need your Ideal part... Don't you think so?
Maria Knez Depends on how one defines IDEAL....there’s no ‘wrong ‘ or ‘right’, if we all being authentic and communicating ...and still choosing to create a journey together
@@kambebradley8675 That attitude is proactive and harmonical in a way that may be called ideal. 😊
Especially when a journey is through the "deep divine inner connection", as you said before. 🌻
She's exactly right. No other person can give us the inner validation we need. We must know and love ourselves fiest, the way our Creator designed, before we can love another out of the overflow.
the answer is become love and sharit people. it is the answer in simplest words
Hello
Be emotionally available for ourselves when its necessary which is more than not... creating our own individual balance.
Being free is what freedom is all about this gives us a peaceful existence.
Lovedy your commentary. Thanks!!!
Still... Great comment
Beautifully said
Absolutely Profound… Esther you nail reality, no one can be everything, it’s impossible. A relationship is a story that allows hiccups and editing, this is real life… if you can be alone and love yourself, you become the one you need, the one that can share life, not expecting the other to be your life, because you’re “the one”
Esther, over the past few years I’ve listened to you, and continue to learn from you, you’re a breathe of fresh air, richly insightful and filled with great wisdom … thank you for taking the time you do to share with all of us, Grateful.
I love love her wisdom!!! I listen to her every day while I drive to work! “Every person has issues what issues are you willing to deal with? “
"I want with you, basically, I would normally get from an entire community" such a true statement about modern dating! It goes to show that even a seemingly unrelated issue like 'dating' hasn't escaped the break down of community
When i was 17, I've asked my mother: How did you know that my father was THE ONE, when will I be sure that somebody is the one?
My mother replied - When you DIE - in the meantime you will doubt yourself sometimes more, sometimes less. It was plain and simple and removed "the one" concept from my mind. I was expecting some story when I saw him the light shined....
Wow…your mom was a wise woman 😊 I can’t stand when people say “you’ll know” “you’ll never have any doubts” BS! Your mom was right on target with her advice to you😊
The one is the person who being with him or her doesn't require you to change. The connection is effortless and you are at peace with yourself in this relationship. Old saying is the relationship brings the best out of you.
Thank you
I think this is false. When entering a relationship you educate yourself when experiencing it which means you evolve and evolution is change. Change for the good of course but if it’s a negative change you’re on about then you’d be correct
It's a bit unrealistic to expect someone to be meet all their needs lol...relationships are not like that at all, that's why we need to provide that for ourselves. Shared values, interests and attraction is incredibly important...I love how she puts all this information together, she's not only a realist but a very wise woman who explores the topic in a way that is illuminating, I like this woman, she's smart!
The paradox of choice...and finding the one! Yes.... the paradox.
Putting the pressure of meeting all our needs on one person is the worst ! I love that she explains this ❤
I love EVERY video I see on RUclips from Esther. She is super down to earth and provides intelligent insights into our relationships and modern behaviors. She is so humble but actually... she is the queen 👸! Just love her perspective. Thank you Esther, echt tof hoor!
Agree 1000% 👍👍👍
Be everything for yourself Always!!!
I'm 58 yrs old and here I am watching this awesome Lady. 1st time viewer of her channel. 3rd video. Very interesting takes she has so I'll watch more.
Straight truth, no chaser!
That make sense, Esther.
I never could have described the One who crossed my path.
When I found the One, I didn’t define what he has to be.
I loved the world he was, he felt so much the world I wanted in my world, he could meet me, where I wanted to be met, soul family, felt so familiar, he was committed, save, adventurous, spiritual, so much to learn from, exciting to be with.
32 years older, 1 month after we met, he almost died, wounded but open and brave,.
We had a lot off challenges, but our bound made it possible.
I felt very loved by him.
My heart knew, he was the right one.
And after 19 years single, he died in 2000, I call in a new world, one that merge with mine.
My heart will know, sense, that he is the one that can meet me where I want to be met.
Strong enough bounded to evolve, to take challenges, to have fun, to uplift, to give space, to be true, to navigate with each other,
Javelin Schram,your story is heart touching ♥️
Javelin Schram,You deserve better,my dearest 🌹🌷🌺🙏🙏🙏
I've heard Ester a few times now and I've really tried to embrace her way of thinking, but I can't help but feel having listened to her carefully that she is a proponent of keeping the idea going that humans have to be in a relationship - or relationships - in order to survive. This notion is archaic. The problem is that society does not teach people how to deal with life or let alone live life. Society operates by large within a framework of unrealistic conditions and expectations - you're born, you grow up, get a degree, get married, have children, and retire. That's the basic life template and most people are living that life - but are they REALLY happy? Nope. Because they haven't learnt how to deal with the curve balls life throws at them, and they carry that baggage into their relationships. You haven't found the tools to help you deal with the heaviness of life. You can't constantly look at others to help you or point you in the right direction. I think it is unfair to expect someone else to solve your problems. At some point, you need to stop and figure stuff out for yourself. Finding a partner is the worse thing you can do when you're not in the correct headspace. These are things nobody tells you, you only find out when you end up in a relationship with someone who is slightly unhinged. I wish people would realise that you have choices in life. You don't always have to be in a relationship. Learn to spend time with yourself and discover who you are, instead of waiting hand and foot on somebody else to make you feel better about yourself. If you believe someone makes you happy, then they can make you unhappy. If someone can fall in love with you, then they can fall out of love with you too. That's the natural order of life. But people do not know how to deal with some of those harsh realities that are often experienced in relationships. Sometimes people elongate their relationship, when really it's time to let go. It's finding that balance of knowing when to stay or go. There is freedom in loving and taking care of yourself without being dependent on someone. Be in a relationship that compliments who you are as a person, that accepts you for who you are and allows you to flourish. If you're in a relationship where the person is constantly asking for compliments, pouring their problems onto you and expecting you to fix everything, and when you can't fix it, they blame you for not caring enough or being enough for them. The question then is - 'was that worth it?'. Get out of that relationship, it's not a good place to be. All this emphasis on relationships and connections and the human condition. The longest relationship you will ever have with anybody is yourself - learn to appreciate and enjoy that - and choose carefully who you give your time, wisdom and love to!!!
I get what you’re saying, and do believe media needs to focus more on our personal relationships with ourselves and how that will lead to true happiness with others. But i disagree, the notion of human relationships as necessity is not archaic. We are social creatures. i think Ester knows this and I believe a low level theme of this video is that “you have to be secure with yourself to realize one person cannot be your everything.” Also keeping in mind Esther’s expertise is in relationships, she’s not a life coach. The fact that she’s helping people with relationships doesn’t equate to her saying “you must be in a relationship”. She literally never said that.
@@lolmeeky yeah you are open minded beacuse you said you have ti be sucure with yourself to realiz one person cannot be everything
@@lolmeeky Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me. Fair enough. This is where Esther is massively contradicting herself - or she's completely missing the point. To be secure in yourself actually means self discovery. If you want to be secure in your relationship, then you have to do the background work on your own, which she clearly is opposed to - asking the ultimate question 'Who Am I'. Then her advise or therapy becomes invalid because she doesn't have a tangible solution. Lowering your expectations of each other isn't going to help you or your partner from feeling less insecure than when you started the relationship, because by that point, the damage has already been done - you've let each other down from not meeting your high expectations. The reality is people form relationships when they're already feeling insecure - low self confidence / trust issues - because they haven't found or developed the tools to make them secure, so they are searching for that in their relationship. You carry those heavy bags of insecurity into the relationship and weigh it down. For centuries societies have been led to believe that relationships - marriage - provide you with love, wealth, prosperity, and security, so it's not surprising then that people expect their partners to provide them with a village. If that was actually true then divorce or break ups simply wouldn't happen. It's a false sense of narrative that is being sold. You cannot be secure in a relationship if you don't invest time in figuring out who you are for yourself. It is not up to your partner/spouse to define your self worth - you do that work on your own. Hence which is why I don't share her view because it doesn't make sense and it is an archaic way of thinking because these ideas have been passed down for generations - and Esther is not telling you anything different, new or even radical, it's the same stuff. If you want to be in a healthy relationship, then both partners have to realise there are other aspects to your being that also fulfil you - your work, your passions, your creativity - explore those things and that is when you will experience a richer and fuller relationship. Going on a journey of self discovery isn't about preparing how to be in a relationship, self discovery is about learning the essential skills and tools that guide you throughout your life - something that is exempt from education systems because the world is designed to make people feel insecure which these institutions such as marriage/relationships feed off of. A massive oversight on her part. Societies need to teach and value self-worth as much as they celebrate coupledom. The solution is for both of those things to coexist. It's true, you can't live your entire life on your own, but it's also true that you can't spend your entire life with someone either. Humans are complex beings, and life is about striking that balance of discovering who are you to have more meaning in your relationships without compromising yourself/who you are in the process.
Is it archaic? Married people live longer . Eagles mate for life. There was a story about a matriarch jackdaw, separated by the War, who fell for her mate when he too came back. Animals mate when they are asexually mature. They don't have to wait for marriage. A man argued that nesting birds separate when the chick's leave the nest, and he wanted to do the same. But his parents had been together for 50 years, like me and my wife. But she and I were an item on the evening when we met, so we are not typical. Monogamy suits us both, but there is room for other relationships. Falling out of love is a risk that newlyweds take, and Esther deals with that. The no-maintenance marriage is a Hollywood fantasy.
Perfect advice for me after YEARS on the hunt for "the one". Thank you!
DEB WEST,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌹🌹🌷🌺 dear
Oh wow I listened to a lot of her podcasts, never thought she looked like this.
Very beautiful.
Intense x
I love the metaphor of the story, building a story with another person. At the root of all problems with relationships today is pronounced, exaggerated expectations. There are imperfections in an imperfect world.
I think a relationship must not interfer in a big way in the search of happiness of the individual. The problem comes when people says:
Ideal Relationship=Happiness
Therefore:
Ideal Partner=Happiness
Then we found ourselves looking for somebody that fix us and our lives. That, like chasing the treasure at the end of the rainbow, it's another illusion
That's so true!
Very insightful, articulate and spot on. "Nobody, no matter how phenomenal they are, will be able to satisfy all your needs".
You're my idol. I'm studying psychology and I want to learn more about relationships, so I watch your videos and I can say that you always teach me something new. Thank you.
Esther you're brilliant. Thank you for breaking the illusion the world of choice throws at us.
Thank you. This is also great to hear for someone who is already in a relationship. In books are stories of passion but in real life there is only the one story we write together hand in hand. It never is easy but it is also an accomplishment. ❤️
Out of all the videos I have watched about this topic, you made the most sense. Straightforward and honest.
Every teen and adult needs to watch this video. It teaches more about real romance than all the fluffy romance movies. I felt convicted and disillusioned at the same time. Thanks, Esther!
Yes! That’s true! The description of „The One“ is more a description of God. And in order to have a healthy relationship one should never expect from the other one to be God but to love him in his qualities and his brokenness.
Yes! Exactly 💯
So beautiful said ❤
Man, possibly the first crush I've ever had on a 60 year old.....lol
No marriage is perfect and no partner. But where the partners take each other for granted and doesn't work for betterment of marriage, that's where it gets worse. Great advice n Counselling. Thank you ma'am. 😊
Esther Perel is amazing. Maybe she’s the one!
Thank you so much! Its such a relief to hear that there is no such think as the 'one'. I knew it of course, but you justifying that no person can meet all our needs, just took a load off my shoulders
'Shared values' is the key for strong relationships.
My mother passed before I turned 12, so I never had a maternal influence through puberty. But Esther has got to have been a phenomenal mother to her two boys. As the female gatekeeper for nurturing kids, I can only conclude she kept it wide open and facilitated Jack's role-modeling for their sons. I also can't imagine a situation of marital conflict in misunderstanding that couldn't be resolved with such a woman as this. Powerful. Faith restoring.
I heard you in the Tim Ferris Show and was amazed how articulate and educated you are and the destilled clearness of your words.
Instantly subscribed!
Patrick Goppold I felt the same way! I had to keep pausing the podcast to stop and think about what she was saying. She throws out such big, important perspectives at such a rapid pace!!
Esther my darling you are The One humanity needs more than ever....thank you for sharing your exceptional talent and time ...God bless you and yours
Wow! A wake-up call to us all! That's some serious straight talking. We might not like it, but I guess life's a whole lot easier when we accept the truth. Thanks Esther.
One of the greatest speakers I've come across on RUclips 😭🙏🏽👌🏾
Traveled to approx. 50 countries after growing up in 🇺🇸 and she hits the nail on the head. Dated models etc. and learned that APPRECIATION is the key to happiness. Not what the TV would want you to believe. She explains much more, of course, on things of importance and she definitely has a full grasp of interpersonal relationships, chemistry etc. I would go on a date with her. Intelligence is extremely attractive IMO.
Cool!
You seem like you’re still in a basic state of early development.
Perel is amazing. You gotta choose:
Amazements > Issues
Issues will always be there for every taste. Everyone has their own issues. No one is perfect.
I guess I’m the minority and am more fortunate than I realize because my wife fulfills everything I need in a human being and we’re going strong 6 years now and are more in love every year we are together. I’m definitely the guy that tells people not to settle and that special feeling of “this is the person I want to grow old with” 100% exists. I think this advice could steer people wrong who have not found a person that is truly right for them and be made to think their standards are simply too high and need to settle. I was told what I wanted in a partner didn’t exist and my wife was told the exact the same thing. We proved everybody wrong. If you’re in a hurry and want to have a family; if you’re tired of being alone and are okay with finding someone who is “good enough”- then this advice is sound. If you are willing to possibly die alone searching for someone to share your life with that is truly someone you nearly worship with the awe of what a precious human being they are, then this advice will lead to regret and sadness. Oh and by the way, you don’t need to have figured everything out and “found yourself” before meeting this person. I was an insecure mess when I met my now wife. You simply need to be willing to bare your soul. 🙏✌️
You may think that works for you, but that’s sh*t advice for people reading this. I could enumerate some of your psychological problems, but I’ll let you live them.
I found Esther Perel today, I'm going to be following her for a really long long time from now. A lot of answers I'm looking for about myself and the world around me!
The smartest
love consultant. Hands down, madam!
I just love the way she can distill any subject down to get right to the core of the matter
yes everybody has issues, and we write a story as we go thru life. how do you continue to edit the story when you come to an impass after 20 yrs? the story has changed we have grown into completely different people, opposite in our values, how we raised our children became a struggle of wills. our retirement goals were edited differently. our political beliefs became polar opposites. I couldn't even find the person I married anymore. this was a slow and subtle change that I compromised with for far too long.i had to choose between a life edited far away from what goals we had set 20+ years ago or get back on the path of a life that resembles my values and beliefs. my path has been reset. the course is reset and I am once again making progress. I would love to share my journey but I don't think I can handle editing my course if the person chosen drifts too far off course. it is getting difficult to find openness early on in a new relationship. as we age we protect ourselves more than when we were young and adventurous. I'm not as eager to look for a companion as I once was. if it happens, great, until then I am experiencing the adventures on my own. so the next time you see someone at the beach or on a cruise or the single person in the scuba diving group please don't pity them. we are simply choosing to experience & celebrate life. sorry this got a bit off course ; )
Correct,people change and even have mid life crises and affairs possibly or if one loses weight becomes more confident, that feels a betrayal to the other
Chris Sanchez, when people ask "Why no boyfriend?" I'm gonna' quote you: my chosen person drifted too far off course, so I am resetting the course. Thanks (:
I could've written this myself! It just goes to show the extent of shared relationship issues and those of the self. Is 20 years in a golden period or something? :)
Changes can go either way, good or bad. My question, to witch I don’t have answer to, is: when is the right time to close the book and start writing it on your own? Or has it already begun long time ago? What good is it to stay in a relationship of witchever kind (friends, relatives, partners) if you are not sharing your fears and experiances...
Im surprised she doesn't have more subscribers this woman is a beast! In a good way obviously she deserves a show of her own
hard one to find our life partner isn't it? i hopemy boyfriend is the ONE but hard to say and consider now . sometimes it's hard sometimes not especially when we use grreat natural spanish fly which i got form my best friend chloe. really 5 drops that all it takes
i wanted to surprise my wife and bought for myself these natural aphrodisiacs spanish fly . and yeah just 5 drops and everything is pretty awesome
This lady is so right it’s frightening!! I’m sorry but I can relate. And I never even met him. He just makes me want to do better
Tiffany Mendoza,You look stunning 🌹🌷🌺,hope you are with a good man!!
@@christianpulisic7784 thanks for this. What's your definition..
@@tiffanymendoza9329 You are welcome dearest 🌹🌷🌺.I am Christian from the States.You?
u r just amazing. period
Esther Perel is just amazing, everything she says should be taught in schools.
Wise words indeed...find someone who adds to the beautiful story that is your life 💜💙💚💛♥️💜💙💚💛♥️💜
Return 2 Innocence, you are so beautiful and I will be glad to know you more
OMG..... Esther is so wise and communicates this wisdom so clearly
It's very problematic to marry someone because we think they can meet all or even most or our needs in the way we think they will and should. No one can meet all of our needs perfectly, and by "perfectly" I mean to our standards. If we stopped focusing so much on the question "how can my spouse fulfill my needs and love me better," and shifted our attention to the question "how can I love my spouse better?" Then we would probably start seeing more functional relationships. But this all comes down to a persons definition of love, and what we will do if we think we are not receiving the love we think we deserve. First off, many would think love to be a feeling, but I believe it's a choice. I will choose to show you love when you're unlovable. I will choose to resist the flirtations of another person because I love you. I will cook your favorite meal, even though I hate that dish, because I love you. Showing love to others means living up to our vows even in the moments when we don't want to. So love doesn't stop if you don't love me the way I love myself and my passions; love stops when I choose myself and my passions over my spouse.
No offense and with all due respect, it's probably problematic or challenging to you because you may be denying your selfish desires. Do you remember when you were about 13 or 14 years young when the person you really desired aroused such a strong sexual attraction from you? Before your sexual romantic love ideals perhaps became corrupt through accepting the wrong ideas or ideology. I believe there is someone for out there that arouses strong sexual passions and you maybe ignoring them or denying this pleasure for some reason unknown to me. Once you find this potential lover, you will feel exalted and know what is means to be excited and passionate again about your lover as you once did when you were the age ranges I mentioned.
"Vows" you seem to treat sexual romantic love as if it were a moral duty or obligation. Sexual romantic love is volitional as you stated before. Which celebrity or famous if any do you sexually admire most? Whoever this person is they have the potential to be your lover because they meet your personal standards of attraction.
Every time I've used the approach of fulfilling their needs and loving them better, it's always been taken for granted, created a rift of distance and generated complacency on their end. You can't win.
< I will choose to resist the flirtations of another person because I love you.> Is that because you could arouse your partner's jealousy? If both partners agree on what kind of flirting they allow, it can be profitable for both.
< love stops when I choose myself and my passions over my spouse.> When one disregards and doesn't care about pursuing his own passions and creativity, he dims his light and becomes resentful or demanding. Why not reconcile both togetherness and individuality, with the aim of building a healthy relationship?
This is exactly how I view true romance, and I get burned over and over by people who see my caring nature as something to be exploited. I hope you find someone or something that returns your level of care.
Esther you are a treasure, what a gift to hear things expressed with such clarity and insight. Thank you
Currently reading mating in captivity. Such a great read thus far, wish I had discovered it earlier. Thank you 🙂
You are the one to yourself, nobody else
Esther Perel ,love you...You are so wise and brilliant ❤
Sibel Ozunlu,hope you are in a good relationship cause you are too pretty!
Starting 1:51 ... That’s You and nobody else! Nobody can make you happy but yourself. Find yourself and you’ll be free.
Beautifully straight talking love it!
Tracy Mogowan,you are so beautiful and so cute ❤.I wanna know you more
Tracy Magowan, your pretty smile can make the news!
Might sound strange but I find it comforting to know that there isn’t actually ONE person out there who could provide everything.
It’s just a fantasy.
We already have everything.
I think what Esther regards as a definition for "the one" is not necessarily what others think. When I want to know if I've found "the one", what I mean is that I want to know if I've found the one I can spend my life with. Not that I only require one person in my life. My family, friends, teachers, god etc are all extremely important to me and so, one person will never fulfil all of their roles. But I want to know whether he's the one that I could spend my life with. I don't know of anyone who says "you're the one" who means anything different. Certainly not "you're the only person I'll ever need" because what a lonely and closed-off life that would lead to
The fact that she stated is so true. I am presently in a great relationship and there is always this thought in my mind that even though I have this limited dating experience and at very young age I see myself settling down with this person some time in the future, I know that I could date a 100 more people and I would still choose to settle down with this person. It is all about the choice you make and what you choose to believe in.
Great point that we can’t put all this responsibility on one person. It’s too much ohhhh.
I found this channel by accident. I could not put my finger on what is so wrong with the online dating world...she explained it perfectly. I am guilty of this. In my younger years I never felt this way.
Donna X,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌷🌹🌷🌹,hope you are with a good man!!
@@christianpulisic7784 I think I finally have. Work in progress
@@donnax6828 Oh ok dearest 🌹🌷🌷.I am Christian from the States.You?
@@christianpulisic7784 Yes, US, Florida.
@@donnax6828 Wow!😊😊😊😊😊😊😊,are you on Hangouts or Gmail so we can always talk?
Thank you for this, Esther! Your years of work and wisdom in a beautiful morsel here.
Not into dating online, though I have met the one who has met me half way. Both understood all the consequences and commitments it takes and the mutual agreement it can take to love the one who love and see you and who love you in the same way...such beautiful love that goes back and forth with compassion ❤
Can we please clone you? We may need a few billion) Great influence you are and always feel you articulate my thoughts.
So true: you pick one person depending on what issues you can deal with
So, "I AM THE ONE" . it even feels good o say it! "I AM my ONE"
I first heard Esther on Ted Talk...loved it but on Friday I listened to ALL 10 Episodes of "Where Should We Begin?" Changed some of my wrong thinking about relationships and confirmed some of my essential thoughts about having a good,balanced authentic relationship. I'm convinced if we had more REAL talk...like this ...there would be less divorce because men and women would see things BEFORE they get married. most people's head are too in the clouds and miss important things about themselves and their partner. Esther encourages a oneness that is based on both partners serving each other instead of selfishness..Love her...I think she is brilliant 🙌🙌
I used to date a looooot of men, go out like crazy, always looking for THE one. I even fell in love with some of the guys, or so I thought. Looking back, I must've been rather infatuated or attached but certainly not in love. How do I know that? Well, I'm happy now with my man, 12 years going strong and he couldn't be further from what I was looking for in a man - drama (superficially speaking). Crazy, right??! My husband, he is calm, he's always reassuring, he'd never raise his voice or have a temper with me, he always tells me everything and vice versa. We both believe in trust and friendship, first and foremost. We like to spent time with each other, even the lockdown has had no negative effect on us.
On the other hand, we both enjoy our me-time, he loves to play computer games, I enjoy reading and music. But then, in the evenings we'd come back together and enjoy something together. And that is the most important thing ever. You know when you don't have to ask yourself all the time if he/she is the one. Loving someone is not knowing but doing. Being together and making the best of it. Nobody's perfect and no partner will ever be. Not me, not him. But together magic happens. Silently, without trumpets and crazy butterflies all the time :-) may you all find love!
You just described my dating history, as well as exactly the kind of relationship I want! So beautiful, and lovely to hear that it's out there, that you found it. 💛 And thank you for the well wishes- I hope we (single people and people in unharmonious relationships) find it too! ✨
You will, I'm certain. I simply had to give up the drama. I guess I've read too many books or so because I always expected a knight in shining armor. In reality, love appeared in form of a man that I felt attracted to but that I initially didn't put in the longterm category. Just because we're so different. I'm very outgoing and loud, I care very much about my reputation and looks, my image so to say. He's like from another galaxy. He's quiet and leaned back, he's not a people's person but rather prefers quiet evenings and solitude. At least, most of the time. But like I said, we started going out and bonded over having the same values and beliefs. And we enjoy being together, listening to music, watching TV, talking walks and planning our next big trip.
I wish you well and a lot of love
💜
@@smeemira8225 I love that!!! Thank you for sharing!! I am definitely over drama. Values and beliefs are key, and I'm so flexible with what type of person they are otherwise. Thank you again and I'll keep my chin up.
"Each couple has issues, the only question is which are the issues you want to deal with. You pick this person you will deal with those issues, you pick that person you will deal with other issues".
The couples I know who cut out all the other relationships in their lives when they got together usually ended up breaking up. We get fulfillment from a variety of relationships: parents, siblings, children, friends, coworkers, etc. And especially from our relationship with God. As the Bible says, he fulfills the desires of our heart. If we try to make our spouse fulfill all those roles, disappointment is inevitable.
Another good statement I heard from an astronaut was that everyone no matter how young or old, or what economic background etc, everyone has struggles. Therefore, let's be kinder to one another. So incredibly true. All couples have issues. Might not be the same as you are going through but there are others and we all have them.
Paula A, you are absolutely gorgeous
So true, so well explained!
Karin Weston, you're so sweet and so beautiful and I will be glad to know you more ❤
Karin Weston,hope you are with a better man cause you are too precious!
Karin Weston,You look charming 🌹🥀🥀🥀 dear
Love is a choice. You are absolutely spot on
Wise counsel always from Esther Perel.
Problematic because there's no such thing as "THE ONE". Perfect point of view Esther. Hit the target right.
oh there is the one, but most times she cheats on you when something better comes along, never satisfied til they hit 50 alone and realize their best years are behind them
Thank you very well presented, this coming from someone married 55 years before my wife passed. The way you started I felt someone had to do a phenomenal job to keep you pleased. No such person exists, but somehow we are led to believe that there is someone like that if we are in love. I think you made your point very clear who you marry you will need to be comfortable with and realize you have to put something into the marriage yourself. I've seen one-sided marriages and it's so much better when it's not one-sided. Thanks
Hit the nail on the head .....which issues do you wish to deal with 😅😬🙃
Isn't that the same as the "wish list", in reverse?
cracked up when seeing this
This is the best piece of relationship advice ever given! Figure out which inter-problems you are best suited to navigate and chose your partner accordingly!
Love how realistic and clever she explain everything. Love her psychology🙌🏻
And don’t dwell too long on the faults of the person you chose. Be thankful for those faults. Those faults are what kept them from getting a better spouse.
Dear Esther. Your video is simply brilliant! Intense, dense and wise! respect !
Omg!!!! Thank you so much, this one hit me differently
You are brilliant, Dr. Perel! Clear, concise, and so on the money.
Strange, 2 months ago I met a couple of 59 who were together from the age of 18. They talked about themselves as soulmates.
Awwww
Not strange. They wrote their story together and didn’t get caught up on the hiccups. They overcame they lows and moved on, together!!
All she says is so true for people who see the truth
Jeanette Marmor, you are absolutely gorgeous!
Jeanette Marmor,Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!!
All I want to find is " the only one " who isn't cheating me
Cheating and being not transparent makes everything go sour.Ireally hate cheating.
It doesn't exist, cheats are because you didn't meet Princes but the frogs
Done! You wont like him tho...
Good luck. There are a small few.
@@genevieve1642 Is the offer still available?