Thank you for your comments! I'm glad you enjoyed the talk and hope you can use unconditional laughter as a tool in your own life in a way that's valuable for you.
This is the kind of shift in perspective we need as a society. Throwing away the old programming and actually thinking and feeling for ourselves, heck yeah!
Thank you!! Yes yes, throw away old programming ... Unlearning what is "automatic pilot" and authentically responding to life and to death. I'm with you 100%!
Oh my I'm reading some of these comments and just losing it. Such an emotionally charged conversation and some really beautiful stories being shared. Thank you Jennifer for creating this space and opportunity for people to share in this way.
The laughter therapy is such a unique and positive approach. It's refreshing to hear a perspective that goes beyond the traditional expectations of grief.
Indeed, calling someone's presence forth in real time is a great way to honor and celebrate their continued impact in our own lives. Thanks for your comment!
Thanks! To me the key to finding connection and gratitude are practicing these BEFORE something challenging such as the death of someone we love happens in our lives. Then we already have the tools and can better apply them, even regarding death.
Your talk has opened my eyes to a different way of approaching death. The emphasis on adapting, resilience, and finding joy is a perspective we rarely hear. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply! And for letting me know that my talk was meaningful for you. You're right, we rarely hear about finding joy as an acceptable and real response when someone experiences the death of a loved one. Of course, it's not the typical response. But it's still a valid one!
Hi Jessica. There are studies of people's personalities and temperaments and some of us are more naturally optimistic, while others are more naturally pessimistic. Martin Seligman's book Learned Optimism is a very interested read, if that appeals to you (though more academic). I feel I had an advantage because optimism comes more easily to me while others may need to "learn" that perspective. Hope that helps! - Jen
Love how she shared that it’s okay to feel connection and gratitude after someone dies. It’s not something we hear often and honestly that seems wrong. Like the connection and gratitude is what we should be focused on
Your talk has made me rethink my own beliefs about grief. It's empowering to consider that there are different ways to respond to death. Your laughter therapy sounds like a wonderful coping mechanism.
Thanks for letting me know that the talk has helped you rethink your own beliefs, and that it's been empowering for you to do that. That's something I hope we all do regularly, myself included! All the best, Jen
Oh, thank you! My husband and soulmate died earlier this year, and I have been wondering what is wrong with me. After he died, I felt the strongest feelings of gratitude and community that I have ever had. I felt trapped by "grief culture" - it was stifling, creepy, and just felt wrong - and I tried to find some way to escape it. And while I miss my husband so much, I'm doing better than I ever thought. Yes, there are times when his absence is palpable, and there are times when I cry. But mostly, I'm happy. And it's so difficult to explain to people because we just don't have adequate language for it.
Thank you for taking the time to share about your experience. Yes, I truly hope more and more people will see how expecting grief as the only response to death doesn't truly reflect many of our experiences when a loved one dies. The main experience for some of us is connection and joy, and the cultural idea that "the more you love, the more you grieve" just isn't accurate. Sometimes or for some of us, the more you love someone, the more joy and gratitude you feel! And that is a beautiful thing to be honored rather than questioned. May your journey be filled with your husband's sweet presence.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I am so glad we can find the resonance with one another and allow ourselves to feel joy despite the expectation of grief. All the best to you!
I like this a lot. So many people think the only reason to not feel upset by a death is because you didn't actually like them that much but I think it's much healthier to approach death in this way. It is a natural part of life, not like anything horrible has happened to them that they have to live through. Plenty of worse things than death.
Yes, exactly, people tend to think if someone isn't sad enough, they weren't close to the person or didn't really love them. We tend to buy into this, and then we believe that we need to hold on to the sadness because we loved the person, and that no longer being sad shows disloyalty or dishonoring. Part of my hope is that people see that it's okay to accept death in a deep way as part of life and find our way to presence and gratitude. Thank you!
I find it fascinating - so many commenters reacted, commenting on GRIEF experiences when the speaker talked about survivor response to DEATH experience. We have been culturally taught that GRIEF is the NORM after DEATH, when the research [and the presenters experience, and my experience] shows there are multiple responses after death. GRIEF is 1 of those responses. JOY/CONNECTION is a response. One is not "better" or "worse" or "believeable" or "wrong". May we all have the honor to experience whatever emotions we have after the DEATH of a loved one. ❤
Thank you!! I wrote 2 replies to you, and they seem to have disappeared. My apologies! The gist is yes yes yes I am so glad that you resonate and "get it" from your own experience. I am hopeful that these new perspectives of death and how we respond will become a more common conversation many people have.
I've never thought about grief in this way! Clearly your experience is so unlike how we're conditioned to behave... it's really thought-provoking to be offered a different lens to view the experience of grief through
I love that you see this talk as thought-provoking since that is my hope, that it will generate conversations and the possibility to look at how we respond to death differently, free from conditioning (even if that means we feel deep sadness, at least we can experience that genuinely rather than being taught that it is the only way). I'm glad my experience can be of value to others. - Jen
Hi Rupert. Yes, I too worried this for a long time, which held me back for years from sharing my experience. What I encourage the most is self-awareness, that people can look inside and know themselves if they are in denial or avoiding feelings, or if they are genuinely using their tools for wellbeing. It's an important distinction! Being okay with death as part of the cycle of life and having a broader outlook are definitely different than repressing sadness that needs to come out. I appreciate you bringing this up. - Jen
You said it perfectly Jenn. I lost my dad in 2010, mom 2012, daughter 2016, son 2020, and my husband of 21 years December 18, 2022. The waves keep coming, but you do ride them out. It takes time for sure. Some days it seems hard to breathe. Thanks for your wonderful talk.
Thank you, Sue, for your comment. You experienced so many deaths in such a short time, and I can appreciate the waves that come as you readjust (I'd say we have choice points almost daily of how we readjust to a loved one's death). It sounds like you are allowing yourself to notice your own feelings, which I find so crucial. My heart does go out to you with all of these losses. And may the presence of each of them be in your life as often as you wish.
I'm moved by your courage and resilience. Your perspective challenges societal norms and offers a fresh outlook on dealing with loss. Thank you for sharing your story.
I felt liberated after listening to Jennifer. My best friend died recently, after a battle with cancer and I was grateful she wasn't suffering any more.
I'm so glad to hear that the talk was liberating for you. Yes, you can be grateful and at peace with your friend's death and deeply love her at the same time!! Thanks for taking the time to comment.
Thank you for this. My husband died from MND/ALS 4.5 years ago. I find it very painful when the grief bubbles up and need a different response. I sometime can discover the silver lining and feel blessed for the 13 years we had together . Sadly the 18 months I cared for him in our home have left me somewhat emotionally battered. Will try to laugh more.
I wonder how much being a certified laughter teacher helped her deal with her grief? Filling her days with that much positive energy must have been beneficial.
Hello! I do believe focusing on and teaching laughter for years did help me deal with Kate's death. There is so much to learn from unconditional laughter, meaning laughing just because I am willing to. It's really a practice of choice more than anything, a practice of being willing to change my focus and not get stuck on thoughts of absence. If people set a timer, and laughed by choice for even 30 seconds a day, I bet people's inner lives would be different in a matter of weeks.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross actually wrote about the 5 stages of dying and it got sort of hijacked and then popularized and criticized as the 5 stages of grief. I lost a son to a drug. overdose a few years ago and found myself grieving more over abuse and dead relationships with living people, and my son has continued to be a living presence in my life. I'm not as grief free as this woman, but I understand the sentiment.Thank you.
My heart goes out to you with the death of your son. Thank you for sharing here, and for expressing your awareness of your own grief and how it was more related to other dynamics. So important that we talk openly about that piece! Thank you. (And yes, "hijacked" is a good word for the 5 stages, since they are about dying rather than grief). All the best to you, sincerely. - Jen
@@katfisch7119 I wholeheartedly agree. Society’s censoring of pain versus joy or laughter could not be more obvious. I’ve been in private practice for more than two decades and cultivating safe spaces that allow others to bear witness to their pain has by far been what my clients needed more support for and permission to do. I support the experience of authentic joy, laughter, peace and optimism. I ALSO strongly believe we must have reverence for the difficult emotions and trust that they have value too. Otherwise the toxic positivity that you refer to will continue to take an incalculable toll on society. Don, I wish you strength of heart to mourn. And may you find all that you need.
Grief is such a personal thing no one has the right to tell another person whether or not they're doing it right. I also think it's possible to grieve without sadness.
Personal, indeed. To me the significant part is to be self-aware. Are we in denial or are we coping in a healthy way? Are we conditioned or expected to have certain emotions or are we able to truly drop in to what our unique relationship and experience is with the loved one who died? Thank you for your comment!
The buzz from that beautiful love Jennifer had is going to last the rest of her life. May she continue sharing this message of celebrating unconditional love.
Ha ha, yes it was quite fun and potent! Changed my life in many ways. Thanks for respecting and seeing how practicing laughter as a tool could influence my response to death. YAY!
My sisters husband just died. He was my brother in law and much loved by all of his family. I honestly cannot imagine ‘laughing’ in that forced and false-sounding manner about his death or remembering him like that. We do share laughter when we talk about David, but it’s real and loving and genuine. It’s helped my sister and her children and me very much.
Thanks for sharing your experience, and my heart goes out to your sister, you, and your family. I wouldn't suggest laughing about anyone's death, honestly. Laughing "on purpose" can be a way to shift energy, and to let go of holding on to the struggle or grief, if only for a few moments. In this talk, I offer laughter as a "tool" - just allowing the body to laugh without anything being funny - and then allowing it to inform whether we are holding on to our emotional state in the moment or not. All the best as you continue to remember him together.
It's so cool to come across stuff like this, I think we're really entering an age where people are freely questioning the societal programming and "expected" response to things. Maybe it's a reflection of us connecting to our emotions and actually being brave enough to feel them and act accordingly
You totally get it! Yes, it's about questioning societal messages and expectations. To truly reflect and be more aware of our emotions and what is genuine for us. Thanks for commenting!
I remember being told we thought our mom might die. So I found myself feeling sad and sorry for myself, making it about me and the impact on my life. And then I caught myself creating that poor me story in my head. My conclusion was the understanding of death was for those who were left behind, perhaps and most likely with regret or sorrow. Jennifer Mathews your approach to grief is in acceptance of feeling, and living a love that will never die. Truly beautiful.
Thank you, Terry, for sharing your experience here. It’s amazing to me what happens when we “catch ourselves” as you describe. I’m glad that you resonated with my approach to grief and hopefully the freedom we each have to discern which response to death is truly ours and which is conditioned. All the best to you in the new year! - Jen
Thank you for sharing your story. The fact that we expect people to act a certain way and say things like "oh they're in denial" or "It hasn't hit them yet" when they don't is pretty messed up when you think about it.
“When someone we love dies, we’re taught to ignore most of the tools we already have for well being because we are supposed to grieve instead”. This line took me by complete surprise
I'm so curious to hear what took you be surprise about this statement. I hope the sentiment is helpful to you and others. I have found that when people encounter challenging times, they often use their tools (gratitude, refocus, find their way back to center, connect, etc.) but when it comes to death, we are taught that the only thing we are supposed to feel is grief. And therefore we aren't "supposed to" use positive tools to cope because we are expected to grieve. To me, it's important to be aware of if we are truly still experiencing grief, or if we are staying in grief because of expectations. I suggest that we can use our tools for wellbeing - whatever they are - even when dealing with death.
This is important. It's a reminder that individuals have unique ways of coping and there's no right or wrong way to navigate emotionally tricky situations.
I am currently going through what Jen describes: Why aren't I grieving when my beloved 20-year old daughter just passed? Having this paradigm shift, focusing on the connection and her presence has certainly made my response different. I must say, though, that I have a supportive community around me, which has made us both feel loved and held in their prayers. In any event, what Jen has taught us both is making my process easier to deal with. My gratitude to you, dear Sapita.
Gosh this woman must be so strong in herself. I understand that grief isn't helpful in terms of getting on with our lives but gosh I would just miss my partner and our connection too much to take on this mindset.
Thank you. I didn't expect to have this kind of response when my partner died. I honestly wasn't sure if I'd be able to get out of bed! But then, amazingly, I felt joy and connection and gratitude. That's why I was obsessed with asking myself how I could feel so good, without grief. And then discovered that the tools and perspectives I already had in my life - in addition to the depth of love in the relationship - actually DID matter and allow me to have a more easeful experience that I could have anticipated. And then I wanted others to know that they might be able to have more ease as well, if they fostered the tools I mention at the end.
Grief is such a strange thing I find. I have had people, or experiences, I've had to grieve, I've also had to grieve choices I've made - and how that grief shows up is so different depending on where I'm at in my life.
Absolutely agree that grief is not the only authentic response to death. When my grandmother died at 93 I was so relieved. The poor woman was just in constant pain, couldn't do anything and had been miserable for years.
Grief is something that is needed for more than just death. And I hate to imagine the stall in healing as people decide they do not have to go through the process of grief in order to heal.
Thanks for your comments. The experience I share is specifically based on death, and the potential for connection and gratitude when someone dies. Death is unique and different than other kinds of losses. And so much depends upon our perspectives about life, as well as our connection to the person who died. My point is that there are many ways to respond to death, and that sometimes, even in the closest of relationships, death is not devastating because the connection and gratitude and love transcends all of the pain. This IS possible, and studies suggest that we can have tools ahead of time to support us, at least so that we don't go into a deep abyss of grief. I totally support people feeling their grief and allowing it to move as a way to heal. But not everyone goes through that. Some of us heal while we are going through the dying process with our loved one, and so after they die, it looks like we are wearing rose-colored glasses, but actually we might be genuinely OKAY because we find ways to focus on the presence of the person in our life. This is not the way for everyone. Nor is grief. We all respond to all challenges in our lives differently, including death, and that's part of being human. Death isn't an exception. Some struggle with it, and some don't. I too hope people don't simply "decide" they don't have to grieve, but that they have real self-awareness so they can discern between denial and real healing.
@@jennifermathews3633 again, it’s the choice of words for me. To be sad or have grief in response to death does not mean someone is “struggling with it”. I wrote a longer response on some other comment here that I hope you will see and read. I appreciate your intention with this perspective (it is affirming for those who need to know they are not alone), but I certainly feel concern about the indirect messaging to those who respond to death with grief because of the context and your choice of words when speaking about grief tends toward language with negative connotation, intentional or not .
I can't believe I never considered this before. the expectations people put on us to react a certain way are enormous and it's a relief to know the emotional outcomes of tough situations aren't set in stone.
So good. Yes...I have experienced how people die does effect how I tend to think and feel about their death. "Everybody croaks." Such a nice job on this talk Jen.
Thank you! Your words are exactly what I was hoping people would get ... that my experience is just one example (aka proof) that we all experience death of loved ones differently, and all of it is okay.
Actually I think it's really beautiful, all the emotions Jennifer describes having felt after her partner died - especially the grateful part. Seems like a much better way to honour someone and what you've shared.
Though there are many ways to honor someone who died, I agree that grief doesn't have to be the way we experience or show our love. We can be grateful and still deeply love the person. Just because I'm not sad doesn't mean that I don't have huge love for my beloved! That's a myth, that love = grief. Thanks for your comments.
Gabrielle, I do hope that you and others are relieved to know that there are many ways to respond to death, and that grief and sadness are not true responses for everyone, for various reasons. It's okay to not be in grief, which is different from being in denial. The task is to know ourselves enough to tell the difference. Thank you for your comment. - Jen
@@jennifermathews3633I have come back to just read the comments and responses made by you. I think the idea of having the tools before an event such as losing a person in their life - is one to seriously consider. I will always remember my son's hospice chaplain saying he was most concerned about me - not explicitly stated - but how would I cope when my son would die - the expectation was - that it would be harder for me than for others. I felt comforted by his understanding of the years I had invested having more than one role in my son's life - but I do believe the idea of joy and presence and connection could have given my sorrow more peace. I am working and shifting through all of this. Thank you, Jen. Keep your voice alive and well.
@@laurelkimberlyhamilton6902 Thank you, Laurel, for your deep and intimate sharing. I don't know what it's like to go through the death of a son or child, yet I hope presence and connection are universal and can be experienced no matter what. My perspective is that intense grief gets in the way of being able to connect or feel the presence of someone who died. We learn that grief IS the connection, that we need to hold on to the sadness to feel connected (ironically), when actually love and joy are the connection and if we can step out of focusing on the absence and grief - if only for a moment - we can open space for the presence and joy to be known. And that changes everything. Many blessings to you and your willingness to see things differently. And a heartfelt thank you for your encouragement!
Awesome talk Jennifer! As a hospice nurse I couldn't agree more, but rarely do individuals understand the beautiful freedom, and inevitability of death. Most, understandably, are entombed in their own loss. I share you views on death. You're an evolved soul in this regard. Very well done. 🙏 🕉
well isn't this just a little ray of sunshine. to see such a smile speak of such love and care and to still be able to see the positives after losing the love of her life.... what an absolute gem.
Your talk is a powerful reminder that grief doesn't have to be the only response to death. It's liberating to think that we can choose our emotional path, even in the face of profound loss.
I am so glad that you used the word "liberating." That is precisely the point to me, that we each are free to choose our perspectives and thoughts in each moment, and that the more we talk about this topic in light of that, the more free people can be to access inner joy and peace, even in the face of death. Many thanks to you! - Jen
What a beautiful and truthful perspective! I had a really great time pouring myself a glass of joy and laughter! I really appreciate this talk so much -- it gives such permission for us all to be how we really are.
Thanks for encouraging others to listen, Jonathan, so that we can support one another in our own experiences rather than boxing each other (and ourselves) into certain ideas and expectations!
I often catch myself thinking about how hard it will be to live after my partner does, how painful it will be living in a world without him, ignoring the fact that I don’t know who will go first- him or me (or maybe bath at the same time). I get so scared that I push him away to try and prevent how horrible I will feel without him and I miss out on the beautiful moments we can have right now. This is why I ended up here, watching this, and I feel like I found some space to shift this thinking.
Thanks, @mia benjamin, for your honesty about how you might be pushing your partner away at times in hopes of not feeling as much pain if he's no longer in your physical life. Such important self-awareness! To me, there is cultural conditioning that tells us the more we love someone, the more grief or despair we will ("should") feel. But in my experience, the more we love someone doesn't determine our response to death or pain. In fact, my experience is that deep love can actually support us in navigating death because we love someone so much that we support the next step on their soul's path, even if that means leaving the body. I'm so glad that you found some space around this and I hope that your love continues to deepen, knowing that you will be able to always call forth your partner's presence and all he means to you, regardless of if he's in body or spirit. All the best to you! - Jen
Joy is not simply an absence of tears or the sound/action of laughter. True happiness and joy is much deeper than that. The fundamental realization for that happiness to be possible is that death only occurs to the material body, not the soul which is eternal. We are not these material shells. We are only temporarily residing in them.
Thank you, Laura, for really getting it! My talk really is all about exactly what you wrote, how societal expectations affect our emotional responses to anything (in this case death, but it's about everything actually). i appreciate you taking the time to comment and articulate that. YES!!!
This actually makes me feel more at peace with my sadness. I think I’d be insane or shallow if I was happy and laughing hysterically after finding my child dead a few months ago . I have felt the shock , anger , the depression , deep loss and the sorrow. Now- I have had a long term & deep spiritual - mindfulness practice- so much so , I have volunteered in prisons & for hospice ( certified death doula here & death vigil volunteer) and I teach mindfulness . These practices are helping , I’m sure , and I’m grateful . I honor my heart and the pain that is present AND I am also doing all that I can to choose peace , faith , love & service and I am watching the pain transform into being a more compassionate person with a deeper sense of my Spirituality
Thank you for sharing your words and experience, Allison. My heart goes out to you, truly, as you navigate the physical loss of your child. I find that sudden deaths are a different experience entirely. I'm glad you have been practicing mindfulness meditations, and also honoring ALL of the emotions during this time of adjustment and healing. I think that's what it's all about. That we can allow ourselves to not only feel the heartache and pain, but that it's possible to choose joy and peace and love, as you've expressed here. Spirituality has played a hugs role in my journey, though I couldn't speak much about that since TEDx has rules about mentioning it. Many blessings to you and what a gift that you are of service to so many others along the way! - Jen
The way she talks about laughing through the pain... I didn’t expect to relate to that, but I’ve definitely found myself doing the same. It really helps lighten the heaviness of loss.
In a world where everything we want is at the touch of a button, not being able to have access to someone we love so easily is almost unthinkable and when it happens, our world falls apart. People are living longer and longer; we even have control over how the natural world impacts us for most part. I believe it is going to be harder for people to accept death in generations to come. Inner exploration is becoming a lost art.
Interesting point, Alex. Indeed, inner exploration is such a key piece to how to respond to death. I too wonder if death will be easier or harder to face over time, for future generations. I have seen that more people - including younger people in their teens, 20s, and early 30s - are considering and thinking about death and dying more than ever. There has been a shift in willingness to have conversations about death, which is hopeful. My hope is that people will begin to see that they can have access to their loved ones on a different level after death, and that even though they can't call or FaceTime them, they can still connect. I find connection to be an antidote for loss, but as you say, people need to tend to their inner life to get there. Thanks for your thought-provoking comments! - Jen
I didn’t expect to feel so connected to this talk. She made me realize that it’s okay to feel joy and gratitude, even in the face of loss. It’s such a fresh perspective.
When my Aunt passed, I cried the 1st night, but I dreamed of her and the fun we had as a child. We had tea parties and dress ups, and I could always tell her my secrets. She came to me in my dream and asked me to remember then, not remember the day I passed. And I do and I smile lots.
What's implied here, but not explicitly stated, is that we can continue the relation and even communications with our loved ones, after transition. There are many accounts of those who have experienced this. Perhaps a new normal for our culture --as it existed certainly in past indigenous cultures. In acknowledgment of this aspect, in those times, the passing was a celebration of new beginnings and opportunities.
Yes!! That concept would be too spiritual for this venue, though a connection after death is absolutely my experience and contributed to my gratitude and joy. Thank you for stating that here. May we all have more and more conversations about this continuation of relationship in new forms!
I think it's very beneficial to seek out varying perspectives on death. You don't know until someone passes how you're going to feel about it, or what feelings it's going to bring up about them either
Exactly! Life is an experiment, truly. And so is how we respond to someone's death. Each relationship is individual, and each moment we have a choice about where we focus our energy about their absence or presence in our lives.
I love what she says about how death is neutral. I feel like being able to remind ourselves of that could make us feel less powerless when someone we love passes.
Thank you! Yes, since we all will die, death itself is neutral. We humans label things good or bad. Of course, circumstances can be tragic. But not death itself. Thanks for commenting!
Thank-you Jennifer. Completely agree with connection. Modern society is totally grief illiterate. Only when you experience a devastating loss of a loved one do you really understand. People die but the love continues. Love is what keeps us connected. However, going through the valley after death of your precious one, as painful as it is, as long as it takes, is the only way to get to the light, understanding, acceptance and connection ~love.
Yes, indeed, the love continues! For me, the love doesn't cause grief (though that's the popular message we hear), love creates connection. Exactly. And when there is connection, I don't feel the loss because I feel the presence of connection. Thank you for taking the time to make a comment! - Jen
I love the idea of focusing on presence rather than absence. Your ability to shift your perspective and find joy is both brave and inspiring. Thank you for sharing such a personal journey.
Thank you! I'm currently working on a book about absence and presence, so I am thrilled to hear that you love the idea of this perspective. Your comments are much appreciated! - Jen
Thank you, Zelda, for being part of a new cultural understanding that there are many ways to respond to death, and grief is only one of the options. So grateful to you for watching and sharing this perspective in your conversations with people in your life.
what a fabulous speaker! and her perspective, her journey through grief is so very beautiful and VALID. reading some of these comments broke my heart a little, not every one feels and processes the same way. some of us were born to see the good in everything, no matter what - that includes death. nothing lasts forever, the only thing we can count on being consistent is change. and this lady sees the positives in this. loved this talk so much!!
Thank you, Katya, for truly seeing me and that my experience is real and valid. Sounds like you can relate! I appreciate the encouragement. Means the world to me! :-)
Thank you for this beautiful talk Jennifer. It helps me to understand and accept my own emotional process after the recent death of my mother. I thought there was something wrong with me for not "grieving" enough. Much gratitude! ❣️
Oh Tina losing my mom was hard, I like what Jenn says here, But I also like to have a cry once in a while when something special happens and I just want to tell my mom.
Jennifer's energy is incredibly inspiring. A beautiful way to view the end of a life but the celebration of love and connection. There are so many lessons here that I think a lot of us could use. Thank you for your honesty and bravery.
I appreciate your comments, thank you! My hope is that others will see that it’s okay that some people don’t struggle as much with death, and that a deep love for someone who died can also show up as connection and joy, not just sadness. I am grateful that people like you are open to these ideas since they are rarely discussed.
"we are told and we accept that there are many ways to grieve but the truth is there are many ways to respond to death, and grief is only one of them." THIS.
Thanks for your comment! Exactly, when we get past the idea of "grieving" as the only way, we can open up to more genuine responses to death for ourselves and others.
I've always thought that grief was a process and although there are different stages we all tend to go about them at different rates. Grief is a funny thing. Grieving lost loved ones, grieving an idea, a dream, a situation. I guess as long as we are feeling that's all that matters.
What a breath of fresh air! The emphasis on laughter as a tool for healing is so beautiful
Thank you for your comments! I'm glad you enjoyed the talk and hope you can use unconditional laughter as a tool in your own life in a way that's valuable for you.
This is the kind of shift in perspective we need as a society. Throwing away the old programming and actually thinking and feeling for ourselves, heck yeah!
Thank you!! Yes yes, throw away old programming ... Unlearning what is "automatic pilot" and authentically responding to life and to death. I'm with you 100%!
Oh my I'm reading some of these comments and just losing it. Such an emotionally charged conversation and some really beautiful stories being shared. Thank you Jennifer for creating this space and opportunity for people to share in this way.
it is a really sensetive topic, I think that is what triggered everything
people have been through a lot and we cannot even imagine their pain
some people have a burden that not many of us could carry
@Sheelah Svancara well even death is only temporary
as a sensitive person I cried the whole way through
The laughter therapy is such a unique and positive approach. It's refreshing to hear a perspective that goes beyond the traditional expectations of grief.
Honour the deceased's memory by celebrating a life well lived. Their triumphs, passions, favourite movie, meal and red wine
Indeed, calling someone's presence forth in real time is a great way to honor and celebrate their continued impact in our own lives. Thanks for your comment!
I agree there shouldn't be a right or wrong way to navigate through loss. Just what feels right to you.
Yes, room for us all to respond to life (and death) however we do, without judgment!
Her call for a cultural shift in how we respond to death is powerful. We should embrace diverse responses to loss.
YES!! Thank you for seeing that my sharing is about a cultural shift! Exactly.
Pretty blown away by her ability to find connection and gratitude. Definitely turning the idea that grief is the only response on its head
Thanks! To me the key to finding connection and gratitude are practicing these BEFORE something challenging such as the death of someone we love happens in our lives. Then we already have the tools and can better apply them, even regarding death.
I love the idea of choosing where to focus-on absence or presence.
I'm currently writing a book about this exact practice! Thanks for sharing that you appreciate the idea.
Your talk has opened my eyes to a different way of approaching death. The emphasis on adapting, resilience, and finding joy is a perspective we rarely hear. Thank you for sharing your journey.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply! And for letting me know that my talk was meaningful for you. You're right, we rarely hear about finding joy as an acceptable and real response when someone experiences the death of a loved one. Of course, it's not the typical response. But it's still a valid one!
When she described herself as an ‘optimistic person’ I was thrown! People are optimistic? By default?
you read this all wrong!
Hi Jessica. There are studies of people's personalities and temperaments and some of us are more naturally optimistic, while others are more naturally pessimistic. Martin Seligman's book Learned Optimism is a very interested read, if that appeals to you (though more academic). I feel I had an advantage because optimism comes more easily to me while others may need to "learn" that perspective. Hope that helps! - Jen
Love how she shared that it’s okay to feel connection and gratitude after someone dies. It’s not something we hear often and honestly that seems wrong. Like the connection and gratitude is what we should be focused on
Those whom we loved never really leave us. They live on forever in our hearts, and cast their radiant light onto our every shadow.
i feel this on so many levels
Thats what makes existence so perfect!
Your talk has made me rethink my own beliefs about grief. It's empowering to consider that there are different ways to respond to death. Your laughter therapy sounds like a wonderful coping mechanism.
Thanks for letting me know that the talk has helped you rethink your own beliefs, and that it's been empowering for you to do that. That's something I hope we all do regularly, myself included! All the best, Jen
Oh, thank you! My husband and soulmate died earlier this year, and I have been wondering what is wrong with me. After he died, I felt the strongest feelings of gratitude and community that I have ever had. I felt trapped by "grief culture" - it was stifling, creepy, and just felt wrong - and I tried to find some way to escape it. And while I miss my husband so much, I'm doing better than I ever thought. Yes, there are times when his absence is palpable, and there are times when I cry. But mostly, I'm happy. And it's so difficult to explain to people because we just don't have adequate language for it.
Thank you for taking the time to share about your experience. Yes, I truly hope more and more people will see how expecting grief as the only response to death doesn't truly reflect many of our experiences when a loved one dies. The main experience for some of us is connection and joy, and the cultural idea that "the more you love, the more you grieve" just isn't accurate. Sometimes or for some of us, the more you love someone, the more joy and gratitude you feel! And that is a beautiful thing to be honored rather than questioned. May your journey be filled with your husband's sweet presence.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I am so glad we can find the resonance with one another and allow ourselves to feel joy despite the expectation of grief. All the best to you!
I lost my wife of 33 years last month to Covid? I know I understand
thats beautiful...
This is so tragic and so beautiful, I don't know you majandess but your story and Jennifers hit me deeply, bless you.
I like this a lot. So many people think the only reason to not feel upset by a death is because you didn't actually like them that much but I think it's much healthier to approach death in this way. It is a natural part of life, not like anything horrible has happened to them that they have to live through. Plenty of worse things than death.
Yes, exactly, people tend to think if someone isn't sad enough, they weren't close to the person or didn't really love them. We tend to buy into this, and then we believe that we need to hold on to the sadness because we loved the person, and that no longer being sad shows disloyalty or dishonoring. Part of my hope is that people see that it's okay to accept death in a deep way as part of life and find our way to presence and gratitude. Thank you!
I find it fascinating - so many commenters reacted, commenting on GRIEF experiences when the speaker talked about survivor response to DEATH experience. We have been culturally taught that GRIEF is the NORM after DEATH, when the research [and the presenters experience, and my experience] shows there are multiple responses after death. GRIEF is 1 of those responses. JOY/CONNECTION is a response. One is not "better" or "worse" or "believeable" or "wrong". May we all have the honor to experience whatever emotions we have after the DEATH of a loved one. ❤
Thank you!! I wrote 2 replies to you, and they seem to have disappeared. My apologies! The gist is yes yes yes I am so glad that you resonate and "get it" from your own experience. I am hopeful that these new perspectives of death and how we respond will become a more common conversation many people have.
I've never thought about grief in this way! Clearly your experience is so unlike how we're conditioned to behave... it's really thought-provoking to be offered a different lens to view the experience of grief through
I love that you see this talk as thought-provoking since that is my hope, that it will generate conversations and the possibility to look at how we respond to death differently, free from conditioning (even if that means we feel deep sadness, at least we can experience that genuinely rather than being taught that it is the only way). I'm glad my experience can be of value to others. - Jen
I can see the message, but also worry that some people might use this as a way to avoid feeling what they are feeling.
Hi Rupert. Yes, I too worried this for a long time, which held me back for years from sharing my experience. What I encourage the most is self-awareness, that people can look inside and know themselves if they are in denial or avoiding feelings, or if they are genuinely using their tools for wellbeing. It's an important distinction! Being okay with death as part of the cycle of life and having a broader outlook are definitely different than repressing sadness that needs to come out. I appreciate you bringing this up. - Jen
You said it perfectly Jenn. I lost my dad in 2010, mom 2012, daughter 2016, son 2020, and my husband of 21 years December 18, 2022. The waves keep coming, but you do ride them out. It takes time for sure. Some days it seems hard to breathe. Thanks for your wonderful talk.
Thank you, Sue, for your comment. You experienced so many deaths in such a short time, and I can appreciate the waves that come as you readjust (I'd say we have choice points almost daily of how we readjust to a loved one's death). It sounds like you are allowing yourself to notice your own feelings, which I find so crucial. My heart does go out to you with all of these losses. And may the presence of each of them be in your life as often as you wish.
People have known death is a thing forever. And yet, we still have no clue how to talk about it.
I'm moved by your courage and resilience. Your perspective challenges societal norms and offers a fresh outlook on dealing with loss. Thank you for sharing your story.
I'm so grateful that you have been touched by what I shared. May your own story touch others as well!
I felt liberated after listening to Jennifer. My best friend died recently, after a battle with cancer and I was grateful she wasn't suffering any more.
I'm so glad to hear that the talk was liberating for you. Yes, you can be grateful and at peace with your friend's death and deeply love her at the same time!! Thanks for taking the time to comment.
Thank you for this. My husband died from MND/ALS 4.5 years ago. I find it very painful when the grief bubbles up and need a different response. I sometime can discover the silver lining and feel blessed for the 13 years we had together . Sadly the 18 months I cared for him in our home have left me somewhat emotionally battered. Will try to laugh more.
Grief as a process we must go through. We just have to intellectualise everything. Just feel and acknowledge.
wow, that is a special kind of love that was shared
Thank you and YES, I do believe that my positive experience has to do with the depth of love we had as well as the perspectives we shared.
I went to a friends fathers Irish Wake, we laughed and cried and felt his life in full. I get this!
I have an Irish friend and he talks about wakes too.
Love me a good wake!!!
the way it should be!
I wonder how much being a certified laughter teacher helped her deal with her grief? Filling her days with that much positive energy must have been beneficial.
Hello! I do believe focusing on and teaching laughter for years did help me deal with Kate's death. There is so much to learn from unconditional laughter, meaning laughing just because I am willing to. It's really a practice of choice more than anything, a practice of being willing to change my focus and not get stuck on thoughts of absence. If people set a timer, and laughed by choice for even 30 seconds a day, I bet people's inner lives would be different in a matter of weeks.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross actually wrote about the 5 stages of dying and it got sort of hijacked and then popularized and criticized as the 5 stages of grief. I lost a son to a drug. overdose a few years ago and found myself grieving more over abuse and dead relationships with living people, and my son has continued to be a living presence in my life. I'm not as grief free as this woman, but I understand the sentiment.Thank you.
My heart goes out to you with the death of your son. Thank you for sharing here, and for expressing your awareness of your own grief and how it was more related to other dynamics. So important that we talk openly about that piece! Thank you. (And yes, "hijacked" is a good word for the 5 stages, since they are about dying rather than grief). All the best to you, sincerely. - Jen
Everyone overcomes the grief in their own way
Indeed! Which includes not feeling much or any grief, depending on perspectives, inner tools, experiences, and practices.
I find this very hard to contemplate, I miss my mum so much... It hurts and still does.
Hi Don. My heart goes out to you. We all respond to death differently, so be gentle with yourself and your inner process.
@@katfisch7119 I wholeheartedly agree. Society’s censoring of pain versus joy or laughter could not be more obvious. I’ve been in private practice for more than two decades and cultivating safe spaces that allow others to bear witness to their pain has by far been what my clients needed more support for and permission to do.
I support the experience of authentic joy, laughter, peace and optimism. I ALSO strongly believe we must have reverence for the difficult emotions and trust that they have value too. Otherwise the toxic positivity that you refer to will continue to take an incalculable toll on society.
Don, I wish you strength of heart to mourn. And may you find all that you need.
This does not apply to some losses!
Grief is such a personal thing no one has the right to tell another person whether or not they're doing it right. I also think it's possible to grieve without sadness.
Personal, indeed. To me the significant part is to be self-aware. Are we in denial or are we coping in a healthy way? Are we conditioned or expected to have certain emotions or are we able to truly drop in to what our unique relationship and experience is with the loved one who died? Thank you for your comment!
I cannot imagine the people who have left this place before me, wanted me to suffer because they were gone.
How true Ulisse.
when I go I want people to celebrate my life not cry about my death.
💕 💞 💓yes💕 💞 💓
What a brave and lovely talk, letting go with love is the best way to go.
I needed to see this.
Her perspective makes a lot of sense to me. Life should be celebrated, not lamented... even when it's lost.
Glad you can relate, thank you!
I can feel sad and happy at the same time, to remember my mother brings tears and also wonderment of the things she did.
Actually, I feel the same about my grandmother
Everyone's going to have their own reaction to grief. There is no right or wrong one and people shouldn't feel pressured to think there is
Thank you for taking the time to comment and express your resonance with my experience.
The buzz from that beautiful love Jennifer had is going to last the rest of her life. May she continue sharing this message of celebrating unconditional love.
Indeed!! Thank you so much for seeing that this talk is really about unconditional love. You are exactly right!!
Laughter coach sounds like the most beautiful occupation. No wonder you have such a joyous outlook, even on death 💜
Ha ha, yes it was quite fun and potent! Changed my life in many ways. Thanks for respecting and seeing how practicing laughter as a tool could influence my response to death. YAY!
My sisters husband just died. He was my brother in law and much loved by all of his family. I honestly cannot imagine ‘laughing’ in that forced and false-sounding manner about his death or remembering him like that.
We do share laughter when we talk about David, but it’s real and loving and genuine. It’s helped my sister and her children and me very much.
Thanks for sharing your experience, and my heart goes out to your sister, you, and your family. I wouldn't suggest laughing about anyone's death, honestly. Laughing "on purpose" can be a way to shift energy, and to let go of holding on to the struggle or grief, if only for a few moments. In this talk, I offer laughter as a "tool" - just allowing the body to laugh without anything being funny - and then allowing it to inform whether we are holding on to our emotional state in the moment or not. All the best as you continue to remember him together.
I think maybe you've missed the point of this talk and she's certainly not suggesting you need to laugh about your loved one or their death
It's so cool to come across stuff like this, I think we're really entering an age where people are freely questioning the societal programming and "expected" response to things. Maybe it's a reflection of us connecting to our emotions and actually being brave enough to feel them and act accordingly
You totally get it! Yes, it's about questioning societal messages and expectations. To truly reflect and be more aware of our emotions and what is genuine for us. Thanks for commenting!
I remember being told we thought our mom might die. So I found myself feeling sad and sorry for myself, making it about me and the impact on my life. And then I caught myself creating that poor me story in my head. My conclusion was the understanding of death was for those who were left behind, perhaps and most likely with regret or sorrow. Jennifer Mathews your approach to grief is in acceptance of feeling, and living a love that will never die. Truly beautiful.
Thank you, Terry, for sharing your experience here. It’s amazing to me what happens when we “catch ourselves” as you describe. I’m glad that you resonated with my approach to grief and hopefully the freedom we each have to discern which response to death is truly ours and which is conditioned. All the best to you in the new year! - Jen
Thank you for sharing your story. The fact that we expect people to act a certain way and say things like "oh they're in denial" or "It hasn't hit them yet" when they don't is pretty messed up when you think about it.
“When someone we love dies, we’re taught to ignore most of the tools we already have for well being because we are supposed to grieve instead”. This line took me by complete surprise
I'm so curious to hear what took you be surprise about this statement. I hope the sentiment is helpful to you and others. I have found that when people encounter challenging times, they often use their tools (gratitude, refocus, find their way back to center, connect, etc.) but when it comes to death, we are taught that the only thing we are supposed to feel is grief. And therefore we aren't "supposed to" use positive tools to cope because we are expected to grieve. To me, it's important to be aware of if we are truly still experiencing grief, or if we are staying in grief because of expectations. I suggest that we can use our tools for wellbeing - whatever they are - even when dealing with death.
This is important. It's a reminder that individuals have unique ways of coping and there's no right or wrong way to navigate emotionally tricky situations.
I am currently going through what Jen describes: Why aren't I grieving when my beloved 20-year old daughter just passed? Having this paradigm shift, focusing on the connection and her presence has certainly made my response different. I must say, though, that I have a supportive community around me, which has made us both feel loved and held in their prayers. In any event, what Jen has taught us both is making my process easier to deal with. My gratitude to you, dear Sapita.
How are you know, sorry curious as my sister lost her husband.
Gosh this woman must be so strong in herself. I understand that grief isn't helpful in terms of getting on with our lives but gosh I would just miss my partner and our connection too much to take on this mindset.
Thank you. I didn't expect to have this kind of response when my partner died. I honestly wasn't sure if I'd be able to get out of bed! But then, amazingly, I felt joy and connection and gratitude. That's why I was obsessed with asking myself how I could feel so good, without grief. And then discovered that the tools and perspectives I already had in my life - in addition to the depth of love in the relationship - actually DID matter and allow me to have a more easeful experience that I could have anticipated. And then I wanted others to know that they might be able to have more ease as well, if they fostered the tools I mention at the end.
Grief is such a strange thing I find. I have had people, or experiences, I've had to grieve, I've also had to grieve choices I've made - and how that grief shows up is so different depending on where I'm at in my life.
thank you for sharing this with me
So true!
Absolutely agree that grief is not the only authentic response to death. When my grandmother died at 93 I was so relieved. The poor woman was just in constant pain, couldn't do anything and had been miserable for years.
Thanks for sharing your experience here! - Jen
This is just the best approach to living ever; and yes it includes death.
Thanks, Ron, for taking the time to comment! I love that you “get” it’s about living, and includes death too 😊
Grief is something that is needed for more than just death. And I hate to imagine the stall in healing as people decide they do not have to go through the process of grief in order to heal.
Thanks for your comments. The experience I share is specifically based on death, and the potential for connection and gratitude when someone dies. Death is unique and different than other kinds of losses. And so much depends upon our perspectives about life, as well as our connection to the person who died. My point is that there are many ways to respond to death, and that sometimes, even in the closest of relationships, death is not devastating because the connection and gratitude and love transcends all of the pain. This IS possible, and studies suggest that we can have tools ahead of time to support us, at least so that we don't go into a deep abyss of grief. I totally support people feeling their grief and allowing it to move as a way to heal. But not everyone goes through that. Some of us heal while we are going through the dying process with our loved one, and so after they die, it looks like we are wearing rose-colored glasses, but actually we might be genuinely OKAY because we find ways to focus on the presence of the person in our life. This is not the way for everyone. Nor is grief. We all respond to all challenges in our lives differently, including death, and that's part of being human. Death isn't an exception. Some struggle with it, and some don't. I too hope people don't simply "decide" they don't have to grieve, but that they have real self-awareness so they can discern between denial and real healing.
@@jennifermathews3633 again, it’s the choice of words for me. To be sad or have grief in response to death does not mean someone is “struggling with it”. I wrote a longer response on some other comment here that I hope you will see and read. I appreciate your intention with this perspective (it is affirming for those who need to know they are not alone), but I certainly feel concern about the indirect messaging to those who respond to death with grief because of the context and your choice of words when speaking about grief tends toward language with negative connotation, intentional or not .
I can't believe I never considered this before. the expectations people put on us to react a certain way are enormous and it's a relief to know the emotional outcomes of tough situations aren't set in stone.
It's sad to go through previous comments and see such resistance but at the end of the day what you're saying is correct.
People have their own experiences, and I just hope more and more people are open to hearing the range of experiences we all have.
So good. Yes...I have experienced how people die does effect how I tend to think and feel about their death. "Everybody croaks." Such a nice job on this talk Jen.
Thanks, Di! I appreciate your comments and encouragement ;-)
I agree Di, and Jen I adore talk too..
@@elainarogers Thank you, Elaina!
CROAKS????
I think her perspective on death and grief is refreshing! We all cope in different ways and her journey is real proof of that.
Thank you! Your words are exactly what I was hoping people would get ... that my experience is just one example (aka proof) that we all experience death of loved ones differently, and all of it is okay.
Actually I think it's really beautiful, all the emotions Jennifer describes having felt after her partner died - especially the grateful part. Seems like a much better way to honour someone and what you've shared.
Though there are many ways to honor someone who died, I agree that grief doesn't have to be the way we experience or show our love. We can be grateful and still deeply love the person. Just because I'm not sad doesn't mean that I don't have huge love for my beloved! That's a myth, that love = grief. Thanks for your comments.
Certified laughter teacher, how good is this.
Ha ha, life's a trip, isn't it??
Intelligent and compassionate talk, celebrate don't suffer!
I cried watching this, not out of grief but perhaps relief.
Gabrielle, I do hope that you and others are relieved to know that there are many ways to respond to death, and that grief and sadness are not true responses for everyone, for various reasons. It's okay to not be in grief, which is different from being in denial. The task is to know ourselves enough to tell the difference. Thank you for your comment. - Jen
@@jennifermathews3633I have come back to just read the comments and responses made by you. I think the idea of having the tools before an event such as losing a person in their life - is one to seriously consider. I will always remember my son's hospice chaplain saying he was most concerned about me - not explicitly stated - but how would I cope when my son would die - the expectation was - that it would be harder for me than for others. I felt comforted by his understanding of the years I had invested having more than one role in my son's life - but I do believe the idea of joy and presence and connection could have given my sorrow more peace. I am working and shifting through all of this. Thank you, Jen. Keep your voice alive and well.
@@laurelkimberlyhamilton6902 Thank you, Laurel, for your deep and intimate sharing. I don't know what it's like to go through the death of a son or child, yet I hope presence and connection are universal and can be experienced no matter what. My perspective is that intense grief gets in the way of being able to connect or feel the presence of someone who died. We learn that grief IS the connection, that we need to hold on to the sadness to feel connected (ironically), when actually love and joy are the connection and if we can step out of focusing on the absence and grief - if only for a moment - we can open space for the presence and joy to be known. And that changes everything. Many blessings to you and your willingness to see things differently. And a heartfelt thank you for your encouragement!
Awesome talk Jennifer! As a hospice nurse I couldn't agree more, but rarely do individuals understand the beautiful freedom, and inevitability of death. Most, understandably, are entombed in their own loss. I share you views on death. You're an evolved soul in this regard. Very well done. 🙏 🕉
This is grief as semantics. We all quite clearly grieve differently.
well isn't this just a little ray of sunshine. to see such a smile speak of such love and care and to still be able to see the positives after losing the love of her life.... what an absolute gem.
I find her to be very radiant.
@@conradthelegendwhite thats kind of creepy to say you know.
I love this too, truth does not hurt when its delivered with love
Your talk is a powerful reminder that grief doesn't have to be the only response to death. It's liberating to think that we can choose our emotional path, even in the face of profound loss.
I am so glad that you used the word "liberating." That is precisely the point to me, that we each are free to choose our perspectives and thoughts in each moment, and that the more we talk about this topic in light of that, the more free people can be to access inner joy and peace, even in the face of death. Many thanks to you! - Jen
What a beautiful and truthful perspective! I had a really great time pouring myself a glass of joy and laughter! I really appreciate this talk so much -- it gives such permission for us all to be how we really are.
I agree, I went through this and people kept saying I needed to suffer more.
5 stages of grief. This is a must listen, you'll be surprised by what you don't know.
Thanks for encouraging others to listen, Jonathan, so that we can support one another in our own experiences rather than boxing each other (and ourselves) into certain ideas and expectations!
I often catch myself thinking about how hard it will be to live after my partner does, how painful it will be living in a world without him, ignoring the fact that I don’t know who will go first- him or me (or maybe bath at the same time). I get so scared that I push him away to try and prevent how horrible I will feel without him and I miss out on the beautiful moments we can have right now. This is why I ended up here, watching this, and I feel like I found some space to shift this thinking.
Thanks, @mia benjamin, for your honesty about how you might be pushing your partner away at times in hopes of not feeling as much pain if he's no longer in your physical life. Such important self-awareness! To me, there is cultural conditioning that tells us the more we love someone, the more grief or despair we will ("should") feel. But in my experience, the more we love someone doesn't determine our response to death or pain. In fact, my experience is that deep love can actually support us in navigating death because we love someone so much that we support the next step on their soul's path, even if that means leaving the body. I'm so glad that you found some space around this and I hope that your love continues to deepen, knowing that you will be able to always call forth your partner's presence and all he means to you, regardless of if he's in body or spirit. All the best to you! - Jen
I find myself doing this too, it is a real eye opening perspective.
Joy is not simply an absence of tears or the sound/action of laughter. True happiness and joy is much deeper than that. The fundamental realization for that happiness to be possible is that death only occurs to the material body, not the soul which is eternal. We are not these material shells. We are only temporarily residing in them.
Yes!!! And the more we cultivate that perspective, the easier it is when we experience the death of those we love. Thank you!!
What a unique perspective! It's really interesting to think about how societal expectations affect our emotional reactions to very personal events.
I wish I had seen this last year when my sister passed Laura... really powerful.
Love is the only way to think!
Thank you, Laura, for really getting it! My talk really is all about exactly what you wrote, how societal expectations affect our emotional responses to anything (in this case death, but it's about everything actually). i appreciate you taking the time to comment and articulate that. YES!!!
truth
truth
How many times have we heard take nothing for granted. "Its another beautiful day" everyday.
Another beautiful day, indeed!! And it's a daily practice of gratitude. Blessings to you! - Jen
This actually makes me feel more at peace with my sadness. I think I’d be insane or shallow if I was happy and laughing hysterically after finding my child dead a few months ago . I have felt the shock , anger , the depression , deep loss and the sorrow. Now- I have had a long term & deep spiritual - mindfulness practice- so much so , I have volunteered in prisons & for hospice ( certified death doula here & death vigil volunteer) and I teach mindfulness .
These practices are helping , I’m sure , and I’m grateful . I honor my heart and the pain that is present AND I am also doing all that I can to choose peace , faith , love & service and I am watching the pain transform into being a more compassionate person with a deeper sense of my Spirituality
Thank you for sharing your words and experience, Allison. My heart goes out to you, truly, as you navigate the physical loss of your child. I find that sudden deaths are a different experience entirely. I'm glad you have been practicing mindfulness meditations, and also honoring ALL of the emotions during this time of adjustment and healing. I think that's what it's all about. That we can allow ourselves to not only feel the heartache and pain, but that it's possible to choose joy and peace and love, as you've expressed here. Spirituality has played a hugs role in my journey, though I couldn't speak much about that since TEDx has rules about mentioning it. Many blessings to you and what a gift that you are of service to so many others along the way! - Jen
The way she talks about laughing through the pain... I didn’t expect to relate to that, but I’ve definitely found myself doing the same. It really helps lighten the heaviness of loss.
In a world where everything we want is at the touch of a button, not being able to have access to someone we love so easily is almost unthinkable and when it happens, our world falls apart. People are living longer and longer; we even have control over how the natural world impacts us for most part. I believe it is going to be harder for people to accept death in generations to come. Inner exploration is becoming a lost art.
Interesting point, Alex. Indeed, inner exploration is such a key piece to how to respond to death. I too wonder if death will be easier or harder to face over time, for future generations. I have seen that more people - including younger people in their teens, 20s, and early 30s - are considering and thinking about death and dying more than ever. There has been a shift in willingness to have conversations about death, which is hopeful. My hope is that people will begin to see that they can have access to their loved ones on a different level after death, and that even though they can't call or FaceTime them, they can still connect. I find connection to be an antidote for loss, but as you say, people need to tend to their inner life to get there. Thanks for your thought-provoking comments! - Jen
@@jennifermathews3633 This response gave me tingles. I hope for a world like this in the future for me and the people I love.
I didn’t expect to feel so connected to this talk. She made me realize that it’s okay to feel joy and gratitude, even in the face of loss. It’s such a fresh perspective.
When my Aunt passed, I cried the 1st night, but I dreamed of her and the fun we had as a child. We had tea parties and dress ups, and I could always tell her my secrets. She came to me in my dream and asked me to remember then, not remember the day I passed. And I do and I smile lots.
That's a beautiful story, Holly! I love that your aunt communicated to you in your dream. Glad that you listened ;-)
@@jennifermathews3633 thanks Jennifer, I never imagined you would ever see that. Thank you again.
I love this!
The greatest tribute you can give someone is to honour their life with joy and dignity.
Agreed!
What's implied here, but not explicitly stated, is that we can continue the relation and even communications with our loved ones, after transition. There are many accounts of those who have experienced this. Perhaps a new normal for our culture --as it existed certainly in past indigenous cultures. In acknowledgment of this aspect, in those times, the passing was a celebration of new beginnings and opportunities.
Yes!! That concept would be too spiritual for this venue, though a connection after death is absolutely my experience and contributed to my gratitude and joy. Thank you for stating that here. May we all have more and more conversations about this continuation of relationship in new forms!
I think it's very beneficial to seek out varying perspectives on death. You don't know until someone passes how you're going to feel about it, or what feelings it's going to bring up about them either
Exactly! Life is an experiment, truly. And so is how we respond to someone's death. Each relationship is individual, and each moment we have a choice about where we focus our energy about their absence or presence in our lives.
@@jennifermathews3633 love that, and definitely agree so much is a matter of choice
@@nostalgic3ctasy433 Thanks, I appreciate being in conversation with you!
There are many ways to respond to death. This is talk warms my heart.
Thank you Carey for taking the time to watch and comment. Much appreciated!
@@jennifermathews3633 It is an important message Jennifer, thanks for doing it.
so many ways! And we all process so differently
When she said, “Where’s my focus?” I realised I’ve never considered how much control we have over our emotions during grief.
I love what she says about how death is neutral. I feel like being able to remind ourselves of that could make us feel less powerless when someone we love passes.
Thank you! Yes, since we all will die, death itself is neutral. We humans label things good or bad. Of course, circumstances can be tragic. But not death itself. Thanks for commenting!
Thank you for sharing your wisdom, it's a beautiful story ❤
I so appreciate that!! My hope is that my story can be valuable to others.
Thank-you Jennifer. Completely agree with connection. Modern society is totally grief illiterate. Only when you experience a devastating loss of a loved one do you really understand. People die but the love continues. Love is what keeps us connected. However, going through the valley after death of your precious one, as painful as it is, as long as it takes, is the only way to get to the light, understanding, acceptance and connection ~love.
Yes, indeed, the love continues! For me, the love doesn't cause grief (though that's the popular message we hear), love creates connection. Exactly. And when there is connection, I don't feel the loss because I feel the presence of connection. Thank you for taking the time to make a comment! - Jen
I love the idea of focusing on presence rather than absence. Your ability to shift your perspective and find joy is both brave and inspiring. Thank you for sharing such a personal journey.
Thank you! I'm currently working on a book about absence and presence, so I am thrilled to hear that you love the idea of this perspective. Your comments are much appreciated! - Jen
“To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.”
― J.K. Rowling
Great quote! Thank you!
@@jennifermathews3633 it fit your talk which was awesome.
Researching what it means when you lose someone to death, grieving is only one of the options. What a wonderful story and learning this is.
Thank you, Zelda, for being part of a new cultural understanding that there are many ways to respond to death, and grief is only one of the options. So grateful to you for watching and sharing this perspective in your conversations with people in your life.
what a fabulous speaker! and her perspective, her journey through grief is so very beautiful and VALID. reading some of these comments broke my heart a little, not every one feels and processes the same way. some of us were born to see the good in everything, no matter what - that includes death. nothing lasts forever, the only thing we can count on being consistent is change. and this lady sees the positives in this. loved this talk so much!!
Thank you, Katya, for truly seeing me and that my experience is real and valid. Sounds like you can relate! I appreciate the encouragement. Means the world to me! :-)
Awesome comment.
I lost my dog recently and a I relate to a lot of the feelings expressed here!
How lovely that you can relate with your connection to your animal companion. Love that!
Truly ONE OF THE most inspiring, beautiful TED talks I've heard. Thank you, Jennifer.
My heart is full and grateful knowing I have inspired you! Thank you so much, Avery, for taking the time to comment. - Jen
Definitely agree here!
I loved this
What a difference it would make if we celebrated the life lost and remembered all the good times.
Thank you for this beautiful talk Jennifer. It helps me to understand and accept my own emotional process after the recent death of my mother. I thought there was something wrong with me for not "grieving" enough. Much gratitude! ❣️
My mother passed recently, but she was in so much pain, I cried for the memories but happy she was now free.
I felt that way when my mother passed.
Oh Tina losing my mom was hard, I like what Jenn says here, But I also like to have a cry once in a while when something special happens and I just want to tell my mom.
all the gratitude
Its a good idea to recognise how guilt impacts how one feels.
Jennifer's energy is incredibly inspiring. A beautiful way to view the end of a life but the celebration of love and connection. There are so many lessons here that I think a lot of us could use. Thank you for your honesty and bravery.
I appreciate your comments, thank you! My hope is that others will see that it’s okay that some people don’t struggle as much with death, and that a deep love for someone who died can also show up as connection and joy, not just sadness. I am grateful that people like you are open to these ideas since they are rarely discussed.
The Theories of Life. It doesn't make them true. So worth listening to this.
Indeed, what we learn isn't always true. Thanks, Kobe! - Jen
@@jennifermathews3633 thank you!!
Great talk to learn how to grieve and laugh, to smile and cry, to live and love, what a great talk.
Thank you for taking the time to comment! Much appreciated!
"we are told and we accept that there are many ways to grieve but the truth is there are many ways to respond to death, and grief is only one of them." THIS.
What an enlightened and beautiful human being! I am better for having heard these words of wisdom. Thank you!
Thank you, Gabe, for your the generosity of your words. I am so glad to have contributed to your wellbeing! - Jen
Same here, what a beautiful and whole perspective to have
@@jeansammy I'm honored to be supportive to others by sharing my experience. Thank you for your comment!
@@jennifermathews3633 very welcome Jennifer!!!
I've always believed that there's no 'right' way to grieve. Your story reinforces that idea.
Thanks for your comment! Exactly, when we get past the idea of "grieving" as the only way, we can open up to more genuine responses to death for ourselves and others.
I've always thought that grief was a process and although there are different stages we all tend to go about them at different rates. Grief is a funny thing. Grieving lost loved ones, grieving an idea, a dream, a situation. I guess as long as we are feeling that's all that matters.
She's pretty magic this one.
"Many ways to respond to death, and grief is only one of them" Oh yeah. Great talk Jennifer!
Thanks, Kaseja. Yes, that is my main point. I appreciate you catching that and getting it!
I thought the same exactly...
The truth is it takes more feelings to connect to death this way, than to simply suffer!
Thank you for understanding that, Josue. I so appreciate being seen and heard by you. Grateful for your comment!