Either Way, Fixating on Changing Your Partner Hurts You Both
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- Опубликовано: 2 окт 2024
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One way that childhood trauma hurts your ability to have a healthy relationship is by halting your emotional development. When your parents threaten and ignore you, you have only your child’s mind to interpret why they are doing this, and how to cope with it. Some people shut down emotionally, which obviously isn’t good for adult relationships later. And some people fixate on GETTING the love they are so hungry for. And even with a good partner they can’t really be present or FEEL the love they’re given because there’s an emptiness inside that they’re SURE their partner is causing. In this video, I respond to a letter from a woman who suspects that nothing her boyfriend does will ever feel like enough for her, and she’s questioning if the problem is her… or him.
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Just received your wonderful book in the mail! So glad I pre-ordered it. Congratulations Anna! Thank you for everything. You are helping thousands of people every day. Including me. I'm 69 and it's NEVER too late to heal. Love you. 💗
Yay! Thank you!
It’s possible that he was overwhelmed by spending a lot of time with her family, and stayed in bed all day to avoid them
Yeah I found out it was the reason my bf broke up with me the last time. One of two big reasons.
That’s what I do with my family
I hate to admit this but I’ve never felt love from any guy I was ever with. A horrible situation to be in. I can identify so well with this woman. Honestly.
I'm so sorry 🙏🏿 ❤ may it happen one day
Anna helps me so much 😊 i am anxiously attached I think. What I get from a partner is never enough for me: i often feel
Dissatisfied
Disappointed
Sad
Angry
I want to improve them, help them, evolve together with them .... but that makes me act overly critical and unkind. I want a partner who is just as interested in bringing the relationship forward as me. But in reality, that would put a ton of pressure and expectations on my shoulders ! 😅 I wouldnt like that and it would be not good for me.
I see how my partner makes little steps forward and still, I feel not satisfied!?! So clearly I need to work on my mindset, not on my project / partner. This is childish, to always be so demanding. I really want parenting from him and that is not cool 😅🙄
I feel he’s overwhelmed and potentially a bit depressed. I think he sounds like a decent person. Most of the examples she gives he is telling her he is just physically or emotionally tired. So, it’s this push-pull where she is needing a lot when they’re together and he wants to make her happy but doesn’t want to tell her when it’s getting too much.
This letter could have been written by me and I know it is hurting my relationship. This videos was exactly what I needed right now.
I'm so glad the video was helpful, we're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
13:23 "You cannot be parented again, you can't get that parent love again. What you didn't get as a kid, that window closed." And going on to talk about how a person is here now who is interested in having a relationship. Very good perspective to keep in mind.
Yeah just forget the past. Dont speak of trauma stories casually. Dont share them. Dont recall. Its over. Move on. No one can sympathise with u. Or empathise. Just move on
Yeah I know how it feels to do everything for someone and give them your all and then have them criticized the way you cut tomatoes! 💔
Stacyjaye I know how you feel
I ebb and flow in my therapy, and self healing. The grounding your videos give me when I actually decide to watch them makes me think I'm not crazy for my crappy childhood, but I am crazy for not watching your videos more often! I shut myself out so much mentally sometimes. Every time I dip my toes back in I'm like "this wasn't that scary what was I waiting for?!"
Thank you
I ebb and flow in my therapy, and self healing. The grounding your videos give me when I actually decide to watch them makes me think I'm not crazy for my crappy childhood, but I am crazy for not watching your videos more often! I shut myself out so much mentally sometimes. Every time I dip my toes back in I'm like "this wasn't that scary what was I waiting for?!"
I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years and spent the first 1.5 years absolutely smothering him then wondering why he closed up. I had a 9 day long panic attack(a ton of panic attacks one after the other, my body sweat out all of my potassium it was so bad, I went to the hospital, I'm okay now) and it made me hit the reset button my life/relationships. Since then, I have been staying at my own house and worrying about myself and it was like there was a wall keeping me from using the knowledge I've learned from you and others. Well the wall is gone and now I have a bigger sense of self than I've ever had.
Thank you so much for making these videos!
Wow Anna! This is a super important video!!! Her situation and openness about it, and your response that packed in so much compelling information, insights and wisdom. I feel enlightened and reinspired for my own marriage dynamics. THANK YOU for everything. Three years and counting, you and CCF and the DP continually change my life❤️❤️❤️
Thanks for being a part of our community here! -Frida@TeamFairy
I just received my book yesterday. I am referring all of my friends and clients that need this. Thanks for all that you do.
Yeah this is helpful and gives me hope. Trying to have a relationship with a fearful avoidant and im anxious preoccupied for sure.
Well, good on you. Someone starts avoiding me for any reason, I'm out!
@@stacyjaye6350I don’t necessarily know if this guy is avoidant. From his perspective, I think he might be afraid to express his feelings because she is getting angry/frustrated with him for wanting space, especially since he seems somewhat worn/stressed out
This feels like it's about a previous relationship I was in where I could never do enough, I ended up feeling like she had a template of the man she wanted me to be but I never matched up, despite being on a daily journey of self improvement, and having a daily checklist of how I could better show up for her. We attributed it to my ADHD and I made peace with that and I took responsibility for not being able to be more like what she needed
So good for me to hear about this topic! ❤🎉
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
Just started reading your book 📖
Wow!
The first lesson I learned in Alanon was: you can't change the alcoholic. The younger you are when you learn you can't change other people, the better. Also, the guy sounds wiling to learn. Woohoo! Celebrate that. Is he perfect? No. But, as the fairy said, it sounds like the relationship has good bones to start with. Not bad for a first romantic relationship; way better than some of my stinkers of relationships.
What if the person doesn’t care if they are hurting you? Puts no effort in to spending time together. Leaves it all up to you and even like that says they’re busy with work yet find time for other people? In the time spent together, they spend it watching tv, on the phone or on a computer… they’re an ex now but now I question if I was in the wrong?
I don't know you or the situation, but from these few sentences, I believe you were not in the wrong. Many relationships are unfixable. I've had more than one of them. You deserve someone who wants to spend their time with you because they are in love with you and not just for sex. All the best to you.
I have found journaling and other strategies are much better at reassuring me for all the multitudes of worries that come from anxious attachment. But now I am in a situation where the person I’m dating seems to freely and without prompting check the temperature and ask how I feel about them but will not respond with their feelings about me. How can you prevent feeling used ? They get all this attention and reassurance directly from me but I have to just write about it and meditate? Doesn’t really seem fair.
She learned to criricize from her mother.
I think Arielle's BF does love her. He seems to have a great deal of patience for her, especially considering his age. I also think part of her anger towards her parent(s) and their failure to parent her is now being focused on her BF, who may or may not be a somewhat parental figure in her life at the moment. I see a lot of my younger self in Arielle with my first BF, who was mature for a teenager but still a teen nonetheless. Arielle's BF to me seems like he is there for her but he cannot nor should he try to fulfill the role of a parent. He does seem to love her very much while trying to balance meeting her emotional needs with his life. If she continues to demand this much emotional attention from him though, he might decide that it is too much and bail. He sounds like a kind and decent guy though. She has a keeper in him but if she is not careful with her tantrums he might decide to cut bait. It's up to her if she can try to not focus her anger at her parent(s). She has a lot of emotional baggage IMO, and is focused on the wrong person (the BF).
But how does it hurt when they erase a friend and the friend goes no contact 😢
She sounds like a borderline
What if both parties have that attachment style? Is there hope?
What does “essayed” mean? I’ve never heard that term
“S.A -Sexual Abuse”
It's a censored way to say "sexually assaulted", understood as "S - A" ed.
@@radicalradical7437SA=Satanic Abuse victim.
Sounds like the girl is insecure.
Hey, this is an actual community with real people who write in asking for help and who read all the comments. Would you consider modifying your comment, out of respect for the real person who wrote the letter, and has asked for help?
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I appreciate that you try to keep this comments section positive. I know that I have deleted a comment or two of my own. It's easy to project one's own fears and insecurities, ending up feeling adversarial towards a letter writer. I appreciate that you invite us to consider their humanity and point of view.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairyyep I’ll delete it no prob. Was just facts and not being a jerk, but ok.