She should not assume a post is about a boyfriend (current). I post all the time and it’s not cryptic and has nothing to do with others.🤦♀️. Never assume but know what she means. No doubt pay attention but don’t assume!!!!
Boundaries were a hard one for me until I got sick and tired of hurting myself. When I realized that I was allowing them to hurt me every time I allowed their bad behavior I asked myself who is the worst enemy towards me, them or me? Now I am single and dating myself. I love the solitude and peace of mind. ☺️💗💞
One of the best things I read someone once said… “Boundaries have to be followed up with consequences. When you don’t follow it with a consequence and don’t follow through, all you’re doing is speaking an idea out loud to the person who can CHOOSE to ignore the boundary everytime.” So always, always put a consequence to a boundary and FOLLOW THROUGH on the consequence!
"Our job is to have our own back." That was powerful! Me personally, have always been a giver and an all or nothing person. As I've matured and grown older and wiser I now have zero tolerance for men who prioritize a sexual relationship over friendship. Ladies, if he cannot be there for you when it really counts, PAY ATTENTION to that! It's a red flag! You will know if he truly cares about you if he follows through with what he says. Is he a good listener? Go by his actions and not his words.
I finally realized after years how I utilize safeguards for my property (locks, security cameras) and money, (Bank Protect ID) but lack safeguards (boundaries) for my heart and mind. When I was young there wasn't educational information available like today. Learning about manipulation tactics, behavioral disorders, and red flags-----sure wish I had that knowledge years ago!
Dating shouldn't be so difficult, but here we are, trying to weed out the bad from the good. This society with social media and the easiness of a swipe is absolutely terrifying. People are not good to each other. I am an empath and I seem to attract these humans who just use me for a distraction and to feel good, while just giving me enough to keep me going, I am finally seeing through the facade and I am taking my power back and now I know better. Life is too short. If he wanted to, he would. Always remember that.
Amen to this. Sending u lots of love and blessings, 2 1/2 weeks ago i ended a "bread crumbing" situation in (2d it was an online situation which is more baffling to myself) I thought I was smarter then that.. then I met someone in real life over the weekend, who seems to be checking off alot of boxes...sometimes we gotta let go of people who don't serve us to open the space for someone new. 🩷🩷🩷 Hope you have a lovely day!
Who told you that dating shouldn’t be so difficult? That’s exactly what it has always been and will be. The difference is that before you were not allowed to ever talk about the issues, and you didn’t understand what a good relationship was.
Right on to taking your power back! 🙌🙌 And you are so not alone in this. I find that a lot of empaths deal with these types of people because they are attracted to our energy. ❤
They’re not using you, you’re allowing them to use you. You have to take accountability for what you allow in your life because no one is forcing you to even talk to these people. Not saying it for any other reason than I’ve been there before but once you realize how much control you have over these things, you then start living in your own power
10:50 _“We are in our own way, serving ourselves up on a platter for people. If you’re a giver, you’re going to give. And you know who’s going to take? Takers. _*_And you know who needs to set limits is givers._*_ Because takers won’t. They’ll be like ‘great more for me’.”_ 💯🔥
That’s because givers tend to self sabotage by choosing the predictable cycle that has the predictable outcome. The way to break that cycle is by changing the habit of not setting boundaries and sticking to them.
Love her lines... boundaries early & often , do not people please myself out of my own integrity ❤ Thank you for this. It was just what I needed to hear. I will be listening again.
Omg......"I don't like to be managed" such a simple comment yet it resonates deeply. I think this is exactly why I have felt manipulated or expect ill intent, because a nice gesture to me is usually followed up by something they want and it makes me feel managed or used.
Thank you ladies!! I got sucked in .. all the red flags were there from day one.. that were flashing! I stuffed them (I had never stuffed red flags before) like an idiot .. the love bombing was like a vortex. Married the Demon.. and 7 years before it was finally over.. I began educating myself .. and one day told him he disgusted me. Praise God 🙏 it's been behind me for 5 years! A blessing and life lesson! Self Love is were it all starts.. Love yourself, respect yourself and stand strong with your boundaries and RUN THE MINUTE THEIR IS A RED FLAG!
"Codependency is a bid for control." Spot on! I never saw myself as a codependent. I wasn't taking care of my friends and family. But always had a f... opinion. I (covertly) wanted control over everything. When I spotted this need for control, codependency was gone. It's that and taking care of our inner wounds and trauma.
I find texting to be the most insincere way for two strangers to “fake “ getting to know each other. Texts should be short, conversations should be long. That’s my old school way. Period.
I think every situation is different. Not texting your friend back until the next day is fine, your boyfriend or husband in the other hand not ok, unless they are somewhere with no cell service. I remember the days where all we had was land lines and no answering machines, then answering machines came around and people had to wait all day to return a call. I think texting and cellphones have us so bound up in so many ways. It’s becoming so convoluted on so many levels and very stressful. Im really good about texting someone back right away, but sometimes I’m not able to until the next days and I actually feel guilty about that which is bs because we don’t need more stuff in life to feel guilty about. Unless it’s an emergency then I don’t think every single call or text needs an immediate or same day response. Sometimes we are just BUSY or we simply forgot. Waaay too many things in this world causing anxiety. I miss the 70s and 80s.
This was so profound, the part where you talk about manipulating and control using the word “Boundaries” that hit me so personally because my ex used that very term when really it was a mask for manipulation and control. And the scenario you spoke about with the surfer girl and her boyfriend was so similar to my own experience minus me and the swimwear and social media; mine was being a musician and Rollerskater and having a few long time friends that are male. Apparently I was crossing his boundaries by having male friendships that I had long before I ever knew him. Anyways, he tried to shame and manipulate me for almost the entire time we were together because of that, which was 2.5 years. I have blocked him and am no contact now.
People do takie advantage of others without permission, it is called violence. I've got no problem putting boudaries, and saying a clear 'no' in a non agressive way, but some people have problem respecting them. Afterwards, they say that it was me too nice saying 'no' so they didn't take it seriousely - they just take what they want and blame the person they steal from
I do not hold conversations via text. I ONLY use text to say I'm running late, or I'm at the meeting place, little stuff. You can't get the nuance in a text. Plus it's lazy as hell. Phone calls at minimum. If a guy ONLY wants to communicate via texts, he's dumped immediately.
This is ridiculous. I'm a 41-year old woman, with a busy business and I'm texting with plenty of people I deeply care about all day. On Whatsapp and Messenger you can leave voice notes and send small videos. It is PERFECTLY possible to establish loving communication this way. And in the evening, you can have a phone call or video calll. But if you exclude the banter in between... you are setting yourself up for failure. Good luck dating if this is how you see things. Especially if you are 40 and under, because text apps are main tools for communication for these generations.
This interview so powerful for me. Thank you!! I started communicating with a man from an online dating site and he gradually started calling me later and later at night (11:00 -1:00). One evening I sent a text around 9:30 say I was available to chat, to which he reply, talking to my son will call you back. He then sends a text at 1:15 am asking if I was awake. I backed off communication for a day or two. He ask if I was annoyed, when I said no, not at all. He responded, really because I felt a vibe. I responded with maybe your feeling guilty. A day later I sent a text saying, I enjoy our conversations but It needed to begin earlier in the day. He actually stepped up and now calls during daylight hour. It maybe between jobs while he’s driving or gather supplies, etc… and appears to be happy doing it. Sooooo we’ll see. Love your show ❤
I had a Filipino bf who used to do that too. Then he did call me earlier , but he is a complete narcissist and ghosted me after a while. That was 8 years ago. Three weeks ago he suddenly declared great love for me and now wants me in his life again. After not explaining all the mess and chaos in his life of 8 years ago.As if we were exactly where we were 8 years ago.
But you WERE "annoyed" no? I mean, you "backed off" for a quote "day or two." Then you offer what he may be feeling to HIM (Asking him if he feels guilty) Hmmmmm I'm just asking hun.
I can definitely relate to all of this but i believe that each person needs to talk about their boundaries, expectations, what they want in a relationship or what they don't want and their intentions from the beginning.
This is common sense and good advice, I believe we all know these things deep down. This is why good parental guidance in the formative years is so important. Without it, it takes much longer to grasp how wise and important these principles are. We should all listen to our own inner voice AND trust it.
You have to be careful doing stuff like that. What you did was an act ... a manipulative act. And you appear to do so in order to guage his EI by his reaction/response to your little mini-drama act ... under the assumption that he failed to see what you were really doing. Maybe he saw through the bs. If so, his response would be quite different from what would have otherwise been. Thus, you will likely misinterpret his response as cold, uncaring and/or insufferably ignorant. See the problem? And this phenomenon can play out with the execution of virtually any of those brilliant mind games that so many kids play. Great way to destroy what could have blossomed into something beautiful. 🎼TD, Boston
Stand firm in your boundaries ladies ,trust your instincts ( your gut feeling ), put yourself first and if it' s sounds too good to be true then it' s probably a trap ... 🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️ and never look back !
This is excellent! I am currently getting away from, done with someone who is a narcissist and I’m a codependent. I’m a giver, he was a taker. I was always in fear and walking on eggshells. I couldn’t speak my mind. He was seeing two other women while he was seeing me as well. It was definitely a trauma bond, alcoholic like my father. I wanted his approval and his love. I didn’t realize I always had his love. He was my biggest fan when I played soccer. I am working at giving myself love now, and healing that wound. It boggles my mind how I stayed with that guy for three years thinking it would get better when he didn’t give a crap about me or my feelings. I love these interviews they are very inspiring thanks ❤
I love this lady's voice, her tone; I could listen to her all day long. I'd wager a limb that her clients/patients are on average very successful in accomplishing their goals for healing, or at the very least, make positive progress TOWARDS their healing. Thanks for the interview, Lisa! As always, well-done! Please have her back! An intriguing and important-to-know topic for discussion would be trauma caused by and healing from narcissistic abuse. There has to be more education on this sinister, insidious, and very heavy subject; premeditated deceit, manipulation, and the deliberate disarming of another human being's resources and support is not only unhealthy, but evil. We must spread awareness to protect ourselves AND future generations. Education and spreading awareness is THE only way to do this. Anyhow, we love you, Lisa and Terri! ❤ Keep up your great work! 🤘🏻🫶🏻🫵🏻👏🏻
I really enjoy reading comments from women on videos geared towards men, because I can get a woman's perspective on the topic. I thought I would do the same here. As a man, this is very true. What I found really interesting is that men are told not to text back right away, because they need to show they have "options", so the woman desires them more (social status). From a boundary perspective, I think this is spot on, and can attest that if I am interested in someone, I will show interest, but be authentic about it. If a guy shows interest to get something from you, it's definitely manipulative. Good luck out there ladies.
I think it is so Wrong that people think it is a good idea to not reply right away when they can do it.....this makes me think that person is not interested in me and makes me want to run far away from them.....
It depends on the situation also. Sometimes I will read a text and not reply immediately because I need to think about how I’m feeling about what they wrote or their request and make sure I don’t respond too quickly before I’m ready to give a proper and truthful response.
@@Artsylady2030 I think that as long as guys are told that women are interested in social status, then you will have such reactions from men. I used to do this sort of thing, then I came to realize that if I have to play games in order to get someone's interest, they are not worth my time or effort. So, now I play by my own rules.
@@tanyadepoalo4312 I hear what you are saying; for a fun fact, usually it is your first gut-reaction response that is most in line with your values and morals. It's obviously important to nail these down ahead of time (Tony Robbins has some great stuff on this), but once that is done, it's actually better to go with a gut response in most cases, because they are usually in most alignment with who you are at your core.
"Too good to be true" Tell me about it. Was put in contact with a conman who claimed to be a lawyer that could help me with everything financial and above. My dreams would come true! What happened? He sold my condo, made me homeless, tried to sell all my belongings and when that failed he threw it out, all my furniture and everything I'd fought so hard for. He tried to get a loan in my name aswell and luckily failed. He was sentenced 3 years later and we were 7 victims at the trial. One of them died of heart failiure. He suffered from antisocial personality disorder. I will never be able to replace what he stole. And about ghosting, back out immediately. A guy did that to me and his ex and didnt understand why we left. He turned out to be severely mentally ill.
As I started reading the 1st paragraph my brain started thinking, “huh, they have to be a psychopath, because that level of a con is something only a person who has ASPD would be able to do that..”, then read he was diagnosed with ASPD and voila! But interesting brain fact about these people from Dr. Adrian Rainn who studied sociopathic brains… They all have a a shrunken amygdala (ie - no empathy, no remorse, no guilt, no shame, no fear) with an over developed prefrontal cortex (ie - overly control of impulses, thinks very far ahead, etc…), and the fact the limbic system (ie - basic instincts, anger, sex, etc…) all coincide into how divergent their brains are. Also? All the chaos in the world, everything that has been with murder, robbery, etc… psychopaths are the root cause to it. Heck, every war that was ever started was at the hands of a psychopath in history.
Very timely and practical interview…Setting boundaries need to be stated without all of the emotions. Keep it simple and clear about what is ok with me🥰💖
This happens with friendships as well. I have met a woman who’s broken due to her divorce and childhood trauma that she went through and never heals from it. I recognize she tries to please everyone and turn around and complains about it and people hurt her feelings and all that. Eventually, I figure that she wasn’t healthy but I try to be a good friend for her as she was there for me during hard times. But, it makes me wonder if those act of kindness was intentional or just a facade to reel me in to use me especially when it comes to money as she has money problems as well. The comments that she says to me such as “I’m jealous “ or she always ask to pass her the guys I dated to her which I think is low self-esteem. Eventually, being around her made me feel anxious and I have to walk on eggshells which I refused to do so. When I exited our friendship, she made everyone feel that she was a victim and I was furious but at the same time found my peace and stand my ground because I rather be alone than be controlled and be in a toxic friendship. I’m out and peace! lol 😂
She asks you to pass the guys you dated to her??? Ohhhh that’s more than just low self esteem, that’s trauma seeping out in her dating choices big time. But this next quote I’m going to add with explain her behavior really well: “the reason why you self-sabotage is because it allows you to predict what is going to happen, which is giving you the illusion of self control." She needs to constantly control everything because she grew up not feeling in control over anything. Often people with sexual trauma in childhood tend to exhibit this when they haven’t healed.
@@rhiannonh.7463I believe so. I don’t know where she’s at now but I do hope she dace her own issues. The people that used to be in our circle of friends realized that she does need help psychologically. I pray for her. It is sad but true.
My tatt says " Nothing can hurt you unless you give it the power to do so" Something along the lines of what Eleanor Roosevelt and Martin Luther King said, similarly . ❤❤❤ I love these words I thought of, I was in my mid 20's (now 42).. I hope to reach others resonate these words. Have a great day, all x ❤ ✌️
I so needed this, cause I’m here right now with my “close friend.” Oh “people do what they want to do” and when she said feeling taken advantage of and I control that. I’ve heard some of this from different relationship coaches but needed to hear all of this again. I love her voice and her presentation on this topic. Thank you.
It’s because you grew up fear of being rejected and will do anything you can to make sure you don’t get rejected. So you over five in hopes they’ll like you so much they not only fall for you, but never leave. Over giving is Codependency. Codependency is about trying to control what is out of your control, even if you’re not aware you’re doing it to others. It’s also having the difficulty in setting boundaries, speaking up and voicing your needs, and not knowing HOW to let people do things on their own but instead pacify them by doing it first them.
Excellent content! Getting to the healed version of one’s self to wake up to the seriously unhealthy habits!!! Setting safe healthy boundaries should be #1 for someone who have a victim mindset!!
So true about losing the reality thing. Talking to people doesn't help. The people that I tried to talk to and ask for help only extended biased judgment and actually just extended the arm of abuse! There's absolutely NO ONE that I found gave a shit or even believed me! My heart goes out to anyone in that position and hopefully will help others escape. If it wasn't for the grace of God and circumstantial things he would've killed me and collected the insurance money and no one would've even cared!
My partner respected everything I did, supporting I pursuit my career and we resprect each others solo trip. And after a decade, I found out my partner has been cheating on me on and off with different people. I am in a nightmare rn.
I'm finding this discussion very interesting and I can relate to alot. It's also very helpful. The part about hinting though, I have tended to hint rather than ask outright and I feel it's out of fear or my insecurities that I do this. I am trying to be more assertive and ask. Thank you for all the advice...
Mine got me good. TWO years later I’m still recovering. I did years of therapy to find the worst man in the world. A covert narcissist. He was consistent. He respected my boundaries, so I thought. We talked on the phone everyday at random times. Took me on random vacations. He visited my house, I visited his. Every night before bed he’d send me a voicemail telling me how he appreciated me and was glad to have me in his life. I would tell him I needed a person and he showed up with flowers, a card, and dinner. He was a good and active father. I never questioned him as I had no reason to. All sounds amazing, right? 😂😂😂 NOT EVEN 🤮 I found out the man was married. They were separated but he told me they were divorced. Newly separated and at some point was pursuing his wife. We talked everyday with no lapse in communication. Meanwhile, there was a very long list of other women he was also talking to (at least 10). How did you even have the time to entertain all these women and be a dad and chase your wife 🤯. At some point I discovered I was pregnant and he abandoned/neglected me before during and after pregnancy. I lost the baby. He never supported me. While I was unknowingly grieving, he was essentially using me for sex. He never supported me. Never comforted me after the baby. He still continued to pursue and engage with other women. Reactive abuse became a thing after while because I was so broken and abused. Now he hates me for abusing him when I was enduring abuse from my first conversation with him unknowingly. Traumatized is an understatement. I’ve been struggling to let him and this situation go but I’m so lost in this world anymore. A strong woman with morals integrity and conviction as low as life could take me after him.
I can see the dynamics of my parents relationship in all of your podcasts with Terri. (My Mom's codendency and zero boundaries and my Dad's narcissism/abuse.) As a result, I've gone through most of my life single and avoidant. But better this, than ending up with a loser and repeating my Mom's behaviors!
Nicole Le Pera is amazing and really gives the reasons for our behaviour. We need to know. Less of the freaking word though - love your show and opening up the human mind is fascinating - thank you.
I get the opposite, I get criticisms/put-downs and then they ask for favours. Now I see it and run as a recovering codependent it took decades to see this pattern, it feels icky every time it is done to me.
I got all the special compliments, about my intelligence and being noble and he still dumped me so... He would still say stuff like "you give me so much" while he didnt give me much while checking attractive women out. He was very consistent which makes it even more confusing
Well, what I said Was I don't understand how women put up with that kind of behavior in the first place- Any Human indoctrinated male ever did that to me, the 1st time would be his last time- and that's one situation his d*** a** would NEVER FORGET! but it is the women's fault for putting up with it the 1st time-
This wa sso empowering for me to hear and validating. I speak up for myself and have been made to feel im entitled for wanting to he treated a certain way.
Impossible to do in a marriage with someone who thinks you owe it to them. My husband expected sex just because we were married. I feel like a fool!!! My husband literally would say, "Well I hope you have a good time, it isn't like I get to go." or "Gee, your taking the kids to the museum, I hope you have a good time without me. It isn't like I get to do anything." Now we are in a messy divorce after over 30 years of marriage. He walked out over two years ago, but wouldn't file for a divorce. I finally just said enough is enough and filed. He is making it as ugly as he possibly can. Hindsight is 20/20!! I should have had the courage to walk out years ago, but I was so manipulated that I wasn't even thinking clearly. It has taken a lot of therapy for myself and our children to realize I matter. I still feel like a fool, but now I can find myself again, and my children can find who they are.
15:50 I'm completely surprised to hear that, because I always thought of that the other way around. Like, usually women text me back like the next day. Like the majority of them. I don't particularly mind that, but it's definitely annoying. I really really appreciate it, if someone texts back right away.
I text back to ALL my friends as soon as I see the text which is usually right away unless it came in while I was sleeping.....I think it is very rude to do otherwise
Man you're describing my entire last relationship and it blew up to him straight up telling me day after day how worthless he thought I was even begging me to "blow my brains out"
Did I just hear you say that you may be considering coming to Australia Terri??😃🌈⚡️Please do!! To Noosa Shire on the Sunshine Coast: THE most beautiful part of Oz. Let me know how I can help? 🙏🏽😍Lee B
I am in the same situation you were in that apartment but in long distance and I keep carrying h on because my fear for now. I have myself until end of this year.
Recently on several dating sites trying to put my toe in the water after 9 years of being single.....all guys wanting sex- sending inappropriate pictures of body parts. Disgusted. Taking another break ..gonna try again in a year
@@buyiswamnyani5222 I agree😇 u teach people how to treat u. Especially some of my women friends who disappear when they married and come back to me now when they got marital problems.
I have to start doing this too but my natural habit is to respond quickly. However a good decent person won't be triggered to devalue us when we are consistent and responsive because they like us for who we are.
@@buyiswamnyani5222 because we always gave them the impression we needed them. We tend to give ourselves fully when these relationships r in its early stages. We must give less till we know them well
WARNING: I will never ask for your contact info in the comments section, that is someone impersonating me!
That impersonator just sent me a message a few minutes ago - just thought I'd inform you
Hi Lisa 🙂 when will the episode with Laterras Whitfield be released?
Great point they were going to leave anyway!!! Use boundaries and put out your feelings!!!
She should not assume a post is about a boyfriend (current). I post all the time and it’s not cryptic and has nothing to do with others.🤦♀️. Never assume but know what she means. No doubt pay attention but don’t assume!!!!
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. A person who ghosted you will ghost you again.
Absolutely. 100%. Once a cheater, the likelihood of them cheating again is high. Avoidants have a higher tendancy to cheat.
I so want to believe you but trauma bond is making it hard for me
@@selvijohn3896me too😢
@@selvijohn3896same
So very true. I have found that out from personal experience.
it would be great to meet somebody who simply loved you for who you are, and not for who you are not.
What do you mean by “love somebody for who they are not?”
Or what they "see" you could be!
Absolutely
9:15 _“Our job is to have our own back. Our job is to go _*_‘I can count on me to not people-please myself out of my own integrity.’”_* 🔥
Whew😮
Boundaries were a hard one for me until I got sick and tired of hurting myself. When I realized that I was allowing them to hurt me every time I allowed their bad behavior I asked myself who is the worst enemy towards me, them or me? Now I am single and dating myself. I love the solitude and peace of mind. ☺️💗💞
I went through the exact same thing. Currently single too and enjoying this time out.
One of the best things I read someone once said…
“Boundaries have to be followed up with consequences. When you don’t follow it with a consequence and don’t follow through, all you’re doing is speaking an idea out loud to the person who can CHOOSE to ignore the boundary everytime.”
So always, always put a consequence to a boundary and FOLLOW THROUGH on the consequence!
Duly Noted. Thank You.
"Our job is to have our own back." That was powerful! Me personally, have always been a giver and an all or nothing person. As I've matured and grown older and wiser I now have zero tolerance for men who prioritize a sexual relationship over friendship. Ladies, if he cannot be there for you when it really counts, PAY ATTENTION to that! It's a red flag! You will know if he truly cares about you if he follows through with what he says. Is he a good listener? Go by his actions and not his words.
Well said! I am with you on this 100%!!!
Boundaries are about us not them! We can’t control their actions!
I finally realized after years how I utilize safeguards for my property (locks, security cameras) and money, (Bank Protect ID) but lack safeguards (boundaries) for my heart and mind. When I was young there wasn't educational information available like today. Learning about manipulation tactics, behavioral disorders, and red flags-----sure wish I had that knowledge years ago!
Absolutely agree
Dating shouldn't be so difficult, but here we are, trying to weed out the bad from the good. This society with social media and the easiness of a swipe is absolutely terrifying. People are not good to each other. I am an empath and I seem to attract these humans who just use me for a distraction and to feel good, while just giving me enough to keep me going, I am finally seeing through the facade and I am taking my power back and now I know better. Life is too short. If he wanted to, he would. Always remember that.
Amen to this. Sending u lots of love and blessings, 2 1/2 weeks ago i ended a "bread crumbing" situation in (2d it was an online situation which is more baffling to myself) I thought I was smarter then that.. then I met someone in real life over the weekend, who seems to be checking off alot of boxes...sometimes we gotta let go of people who don't serve us to open the space for someone new. 🩷🩷🩷 Hope you have a lovely day!
Who told you that dating shouldn’t be so difficult? That’s exactly what it has always been and will be. The difference is that before you were not allowed to ever talk about the issues, and you didn’t understand what a good relationship was.
Dido! Agree with all of it!
Right on to taking your power back! 🙌🙌 And you are so not alone in this. I find that a lot of empaths deal with these types of people because they are attracted to our energy. ❤
They’re not using you, you’re allowing them to use you. You have to take accountability for what you allow in your life because no one is forcing you to even talk to these people. Not saying it for any other reason than I’ve been there before but once you realize how much control you have over these things, you then start living in your own power
10:50 _“We are in our own way, serving ourselves up on a platter for people. If you’re a giver, you’re going to give. And you know who’s going to take? Takers. _*_And you know who needs to set limits is givers._*_ Because takers won’t. They’ll be like ‘great more for me’.”_
💯🔥
Yep. Just take a moment to consider what givers get from giving. Because a lot of relationships break over givers resenting takers.
That’s because givers tend to self sabotage by choosing the predictable cycle that has the predictable outcome.
The way to break that cycle is by changing the habit of not setting boundaries and sticking to them.
Love her lines...
boundaries early & often ,
do not people please myself out of my own integrity ❤ Thank you for this. It was just what I needed to hear. I will be listening again.
Omg......"I don't like to be managed" such a simple comment yet it resonates deeply. I think this is exactly why I have felt manipulated or expect ill intent, because a nice gesture to me is usually followed up by something they want and it makes me feel managed or used.
To stop painting those red flags green🚩😳🤚🏼
Thank you ladies!! I got sucked in .. all the red flags were there from day one.. that were flashing! I stuffed them (I had never stuffed red flags before) like an idiot .. the love bombing was like a vortex. Married the Demon.. and 7 years before it was finally over.. I began educating myself .. and one day told him he disgusted me. Praise God 🙏 it's been behind me for 5 years! A blessing and life lesson! Self Love is were it all starts.. Love yourself, respect yourself and stand strong with your boundaries and RUN THE MINUTE THEIR IS A RED FLAG!
Good you got out!!!
The demon 😂
You sound crazy
Any tips on preparing to and getting away safely
"Codependency is a bid for control." Spot on! I never saw myself as a codependent. I wasn't taking care of my friends and family. But always had a f... opinion. I (covertly) wanted control over everything. When I spotted this need for control, codependency was gone. It's that and taking care of our inner wounds and trauma.
I don' t really like texting. I am tired about texting. It' s just a way to have/feel control over something or someone. I love talking or meeting
I find texting to be the most insincere way for two strangers to “fake “ getting to know each other. Texts should be short, conversations should be long. That’s my old school way. Period.
"When it's too good to be true"
I listened to her book Boundary Boss on audible and her beautiful voice narrates it, and its such a good book guys - highly recommend
I think every situation is different. Not texting your friend back until the next day is fine, your boyfriend or husband in the other hand not ok, unless they are somewhere with no cell service. I remember the days where all we had was land lines and no answering machines, then answering machines came around and people had to wait all day to return a call. I think texting and cellphones have us so bound up in so many ways. It’s becoming so convoluted on so many levels and very stressful. Im really good about texting someone back right away, but sometimes I’m not able to until the next days and I actually feel guilty about that which is bs because we don’t need more stuff in life to feel guilty about. Unless it’s an emergency then I don’t think every single call or text needs an immediate or same day response. Sometimes we are just BUSY or we simply forgot. Waaay too many things in this world causing anxiety. I miss the 70s and 80s.
Guys I think this is one of the best dating/relationship advice videos out there!! Save it, rewatch it, she is dropping gems here!! Excellent!!
yes it is
were are you from
'Expect people to do what they say they're going to do!!' Boom!! Simple. Thank you.
Ikr!
This was so profound, the part where you talk about manipulating and control using the word “Boundaries” that hit me so personally because my ex used that very term when really it was a mask for manipulation and control. And the scenario you spoke about with the surfer girl and her boyfriend was so similar to my own experience minus me and the swimwear and social media; mine was being a musician and Rollerskater and having a few long time friends that are male. Apparently I was crossing his boundaries by having male friendships that I had long before I ever knew him. Anyways, he tried to shame and manipulate me for almost the entire time we were together because of that, which was 2.5 years. I have blocked him and am no contact now.
People do takie advantage of others without permission, it is called violence.
I've got no problem putting boudaries, and saying a clear 'no' in a non agressive way, but some people have problem respecting them. Afterwards, they say that it was me too nice saying 'no' so they didn't take it seriousely - they just take what they want and blame the person they steal from
I do not hold conversations via text. I ONLY use text to say I'm running late, or I'm at the meeting place, little stuff. You can't get the nuance in a text. Plus it's lazy as hell. Phone calls at minimum. If a guy ONLY wants to communicate via texts, he's dumped immediately.
💯❤️
I love the clarity in this boundary 👏👏
@@terri_cole Thank you. 💖
All my man want is direct talks but he is not my ma anymore.i need closure
This is ridiculous. I'm a 41-year old woman, with a busy business and I'm texting with plenty of people I deeply care about all day. On Whatsapp and Messenger you can leave voice notes and send small videos. It is PERFECTLY possible to establish loving communication this way. And in the evening, you can have a phone call or video calll. But if you exclude the banter in between... you are setting yourself up for failure. Good luck dating if this is how you see things. Especially if you are 40 and under, because text apps are main tools for communication for these generations.
This interview so powerful for me. Thank you!! I started communicating with a man from an online dating site and he gradually started calling me later and later at night (11:00 -1:00). One evening I sent a text around 9:30 say I was available to chat, to which he reply, talking to my son will call you back. He then sends a text at 1:15 am asking if I was awake. I backed off communication for a day or two. He ask if I was annoyed, when I said no, not at all. He responded, really because I felt a vibe. I responded with maybe your feeling guilty. A day later I sent a text saying, I enjoy our conversations but It needed to begin earlier in the day. He actually stepped up and now calls during daylight hour. It maybe between jobs while he’s driving or gather supplies, etc… and appears to be happy doing it. Sooooo we’ll see. Love your show ❤
What a cool story! Thanks for sharing! So great to hear a success story with boundaries! 💪
I had a Filipino bf who used to do that too. Then he did call me earlier , but he is a complete narcissist and ghosted me after a while. That was 8 years ago. Three weeks ago he suddenly declared great love for me and now wants me in his life again. After not explaining all the mess and chaos in his life of 8 years ago.As if we were exactly where we were 8 years ago.
But you WERE "annoyed" no?
I mean, you "backed off" for a quote "day or two."
Then you offer what he may be feeling to HIM (Asking him if he feels guilty)
Hmmmmm
I'm just asking hun.
Why are you guys talking for so long and not meeting IRL? Sounds like a phone bf.
I can definitely relate to all of this but i believe that each person needs to talk about their boundaries, expectations, what they want in a relationship or what they don't want and their intentions from the beginning.
Agree!
This is common sense and good advice, I believe we all know these things deep down. This is why good parental guidance in the formative years is so important. Without it, it takes much longer to grasp how wise and important these principles are. We should all listen to our own inner voice AND trust it.
The guest sounds like an actress. I can't figure out who, but she has a lovely voice. This was an insightful episode. Thank you!!
I always make myself cry a little early into the dating to see his reaction. I want a partner who has emotional intelligence.
You have to be careful doing stuff like that. What you did was an act ... a manipulative act. And you appear to do so in order to guage his EI by his reaction/response to your little mini-drama act ... under the assumption that he failed to see what you were really doing. Maybe he saw through the bs. If so, his response would be quite different from what would have otherwise been. Thus, you will likely misinterpret his response as cold, uncaring and/or insufferably ignorant.
See the problem? And this phenomenon can play out with the execution of virtually any of those brilliant mind games that so many kids play. Great way to destroy what could have blossomed into something beautiful.
🎼TD, Boston
Stand firm in your boundaries ladies ,trust your instincts ( your gut feeling ), put yourself first and if it' s sounds too good to be true then it' s probably a trap ...
🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️ and never look back !
Pay attention to the red flags even one the very first one a matter of fact!
😂
This is excellent! I am currently getting away from, done with someone who is a narcissist and I’m a codependent. I’m a giver, he was a taker. I was always in fear and walking on eggshells. I couldn’t speak my mind. He was seeing two other women while he was seeing me as well. It was definitely a trauma bond, alcoholic like my father. I wanted his approval and his love. I didn’t realize I always had his love. He was my biggest fan when I played soccer. I am working at giving myself love now, and healing that wound. It boggles my mind how I stayed with that guy for three years thinking it would get better when he didn’t give a crap about me or my feelings. I love these interviews they are very inspiring thanks ❤
I love this lady's voice, her tone; I could listen to her all day long.
I'd wager a limb that her clients/patients are on average very successful in accomplishing their goals for healing, or at the very least, make positive progress TOWARDS their healing.
Thanks for the interview, Lisa! As always, well-done!
Please have her back! An intriguing and important-to-know topic for discussion would be trauma caused by and healing from narcissistic abuse.
There has to be more education on this sinister, insidious, and very heavy subject; premeditated deceit, manipulation, and the deliberate disarming of another human being's resources and support is not only unhealthy, but evil. We must spread awareness to protect ourselves AND future generations. Education and spreading awareness is THE only way to do this.
Anyhow, we love you, Lisa and Terri! ❤ Keep up your great work! 🤘🏻🫶🏻🫵🏻👏🏻
Thank you so much for the kind words ❤❤ I am always down for more with Lisa!
@terri_cole , she's great, isn't she?? But I thoroughly and sincerely enjoyed your interview/discussion with her. Thank you. 😊🫡❤️
I’ve listened to many videos but she has totally broken down how I feel. Consideration is BIG! She is authentic and very relatable for me.
I really enjoy reading comments from women on videos geared towards men, because I can get a woman's perspective on the topic.
I thought I would do the same here. As a man, this is very true. What I found really interesting is that men are told not to text back right away, because they need to show they have "options", so the woman desires them more (social status).
From a boundary perspective, I think this is spot on, and can attest that if I am interested in someone, I will show interest, but be authentic about it. If a guy shows interest to get something from you, it's definitely manipulative.
Good luck out there ladies.
I think it is so Wrong that people think it is a good idea to not reply right away when they can do it.....this makes me think that person is not interested in me and makes me want to run far away from them.....
It depends on the situation also. Sometimes I will read a text and not reply immediately because I need to think about how I’m feeling about what they wrote or their request and make sure I don’t respond too quickly before I’m ready to give a proper and truthful response.
@@Artsylady2030 I think that as long as guys are told that women are interested in social status, then you will have such reactions from men. I used to do this sort of thing, then I came to realize that if I have to play games in order to get someone's interest, they are not worth my time or effort. So, now I play by my own rules.
@@tanyadepoalo4312 I hear what you are saying; for a fun fact, usually it is your first gut-reaction response that is most in line with your values and morals. It's obviously important to nail these down ahead of time (Tony Robbins has some great stuff on this), but once that is done, it's actually better to go with a gut response in most cases, because they are usually in most alignment with who you are at your core.
"Too good to be true" Tell me about it. Was put in contact with a conman who claimed to be a lawyer that could help me with everything financial and above. My dreams would come true!
What happened? He sold my condo, made me homeless, tried to sell all my belongings and when that failed he threw it out, all my furniture and everything I'd fought so hard for.
He tried to get a loan in my name aswell and luckily failed. He was sentenced 3 years later and we were 7 victims at the trial. One of them died of heart failiure. He suffered from antisocial personality disorder. I will never be able to replace what he stole.
And about ghosting, back out immediately. A guy did that to me and his ex and didnt understand why we left. He turned out to be severely mentally ill.
As I started reading the 1st paragraph my brain started thinking, “huh, they have to be a psychopath, because that level of a con is something only a person who has ASPD would be able to do that..”, then read he was diagnosed with ASPD and voila!
But interesting brain fact about these people from Dr. Adrian Rainn who studied sociopathic brains…
They all have a a shrunken amygdala (ie - no empathy, no remorse, no guilt, no shame, no fear) with an over developed prefrontal cortex (ie - overly control of impulses, thinks very far ahead, etc…), and the fact the limbic system (ie - basic instincts, anger, sex, etc…) all coincide into how divergent their brains are. Also? All the chaos in the world, everything that has been with murder, robbery, etc… psychopaths are the root cause to it.
Heck, every war that was ever started was at the hands of a psychopath in history.
Very timely and practical interview…Setting boundaries need to be stated without all of the emotions. Keep it simple and clear about what is ok with me🥰💖
This happens with friendships as well. I have met a woman who’s broken due to her divorce and childhood trauma that she went through and never heals from it. I recognize she tries to please everyone and turn around and complains about it and people hurt her feelings and all that. Eventually, I figure that she wasn’t healthy but I try to be a good friend for her as she was there for me during hard times. But, it makes me wonder if those act of kindness was intentional or just a facade to reel me in to use me especially when it comes to money as she has money problems as well. The comments that she says to me such as “I’m jealous “ or she always ask to pass her the guys I dated to her which I think is low self-esteem. Eventually, being around her made me feel anxious and I have to walk on eggshells which I refused to do so.
When I exited our friendship, she made everyone feel that she was a victim and I was furious but at the same time found my peace and stand my ground because I rather be alone than be controlled and be in a toxic friendship. I’m out and peace! lol 😂
Having to be the heroine or the victim.
She asks you to pass the guys you dated to her??? Ohhhh that’s more than just low self esteem, that’s trauma seeping out in her dating choices big time.
But this next quote I’m going to add with explain her behavior really well:
“the reason why you self-sabotage is because it allows you to predict what is going to happen, which is giving you the illusion of self control."
She needs to constantly control everything because she grew up not feeling in control over anything. Often people with sexual trauma in childhood tend to exhibit this when they haven’t healed.
@@rhiannonh.7463I believe so. I don’t know where she’s at now but I do hope she dace her own issues. The people that used to be in our circle of friends realized that she does need help psychologically. I pray for her. It is sad but true.
This was a great interview. Learned a lot .
Great points!!! Tap the breaks see what happens!!
A boundary is a limit for urself, not for another person a request is for another person.
Love all of this! Leveling up isn't easy but it feels SOOOOO GOOD! ❤❤
Thanks so much! So glad you liked it! 🥰
My tatt says " Nothing can hurt you unless you give it the power to do so"
Something along the lines of what Eleanor Roosevelt and Martin Luther King said, similarly . ❤❤❤
I love these words I thought of, I was in my mid 20's (now 42).. I hope to reach others resonate these words. Have a great day, all x ❤ ✌️
I so needed this, cause I’m here right now with my “close friend.” Oh “people do what they want to do” and when she said feeling taken advantage of and I control that. I’ve heard some of this from different relationship coaches but needed to hear all of this again. I love her voice and her presentation on this topic. Thank you.
Wow, I love that this popped up on my recommends...i just had this awakening! And it really is empowering to step out of the victim mode
This was super powerful! Thank you so much sharing! This gives me hope - I’m not alone and it will get better!
Why do I feel like I have to over give to be worthy of love? Nicely put. Thank you.
Its because of your childhood Trauma just heal it first
It’s because you grew up fear of being rejected and will do anything you can to make sure you don’t get rejected. So you over five in hopes they’ll like you so much they not only fall for you, but never leave.
Over giving is Codependency. Codependency is about trying to control what is out of your control, even if you’re not aware you’re doing it to others. It’s also having the difficulty in setting boundaries, speaking up and voicing your needs, and not knowing HOW to let people do things on their own but instead pacify them by doing it first them.
Excellent content! Getting to the healed version of one’s self to wake up to the seriously unhealthy habits!!! Setting safe healthy boundaries should be #1 for someone who have a victim mindset!!
Absolutely agree
I love that "Hope your having fun without me" I would respond; yes I am.
I love Terri Cole!
love is, who you want to be with
I loved this one, and congrats Lisa, for reaching over 1 million subscribers; you deserve it; thank you for the great content💫💫💪😍
WOOW I LOVED THIS WOMEN'S GREAT ADVICE & POINT OF VIEW!!! Thank you! 💕 🙏💕
best video ever! thank you lisa for bringing this topic up sending so much love from türkiye xx
thank you for empowering us women ❤
Like Nicole, I too was the scapegoat in my family, so my talents and achievements were met with rage.
me too....I had a horrible childhood ...I was made fun of by the people who were suppose to love me
@@Artsylady2030 I'm so sorry to hear it.
So true about losing the reality thing. Talking to people doesn't help. The people that I tried to talk to and ask for help only extended biased judgment and actually just extended the arm of abuse! There's absolutely NO ONE that I found gave a shit or even believed me! My heart goes out to anyone in that position and hopefully will help others escape. If it wasn't for the grace of God and circumstantial things he would've killed me and collected the insurance money and no one would've even cared!
My partner respected everything I did, supporting I pursuit my career and we resprect each others solo trip. And after a decade, I found out my partner has been cheating on me on and off with different people. I am in a nightmare rn.
I hate to hear this, sad reality is that iv been through that years ago myself, had two kids, that didn't matter.
I love this woman! She’s saying what we all want to say as a female❤
I'm finding this discussion very interesting and I can relate to alot. It's also very helpful. The part about hinting though, I have tended to hint rather than ask outright and I feel it's out of fear or my insecurities that I do this. I am trying to be more assertive and ask. Thank you for all the advice...
But sometimes the bad guys are consistent and it's hard to decipher. I get so confused!! I begin to trust them!
Then never trust a man and start living alone 😅
Mine got me good. TWO years later I’m still recovering. I did years of therapy to find the worst man in the world. A covert narcissist. He was consistent. He respected my boundaries, so I thought. We talked on the phone everyday at random times. Took me on random vacations. He visited my house, I visited his. Every night before bed he’d send me a voicemail telling me how he appreciated me and was glad to have me in his life. I would tell him I needed a person and he showed up with flowers, a card, and dinner. He was a good and active father. I never questioned him as I had no reason to. All sounds amazing, right?
😂😂😂 NOT EVEN 🤮
I found out the man was married. They were separated but he told me they were divorced. Newly separated and at some point was pursuing his wife. We talked everyday with no lapse in communication.
Meanwhile, there was a very long list of other women he was also talking to (at least 10). How did you even have the time to entertain all these women and be a dad and chase your wife 🤯.
At some point I discovered I was pregnant and he abandoned/neglected me before during and after pregnancy. I lost the baby. He never supported me.
While I was unknowingly grieving, he was essentially using me for sex. He never supported me. Never comforted me after the baby. He still continued to pursue and engage with other women.
Reactive abuse became a thing after while because I was so broken and abused. Now he hates me for abusing him when I was enduring abuse from my first conversation with him unknowingly.
Traumatized is an understatement. I’ve been struggling to let him and this situation go but I’m so lost in this world anymore. A strong woman with morals integrity and conviction as low as life could take me after him.
The sad truth is they can STILL be consistent and not have any real intent being with you.
@@anousalis4089 Exacty!!! That’s why I’m so over and done with dating. I have trust issues. Is
. 😭😩😂
I can see the dynamics of my parents relationship in all of your podcasts with Terri. (My Mom's codendency and zero boundaries and my Dad's narcissism/abuse.) As a result, I've gone through most of my life single and avoidant. But better this, than ending up with a loser and repeating my Mom's behaviors!
You should do a course or therapy to learn how to have boundaries so you can find a nice man!
@@din-b6420 how old are you ? ?? there doesn't seem to be any nice men anymore
Him: "I had a dream about you. It's 11:00 PM. I'm around the corner. Can I come see you?"
Me: "I am not a booty call. Go back to sleep. BYE."
Nicole Le Pera is amazing and really gives the reasons for our behaviour. We need to know. Less of the freaking word though - love your show and opening up the human mind is fascinating - thank you.
Thank you so much, you gave me answers to questions i was struggling with!.
Terri Cole is amazing❤ thanks so much for the conversation❤
OMG. All of this! I'm digging in and doing the work at a deep level. ❤
Exactly what I've been going through, confirmation. Thank you.❤
“Serving yourself up on a platter” also known as playing yourselves.
Dont rush into relationship take Time to see
Well said!
I get the opposite, I get criticisms/put-downs and then they ask for favours. Now I see it and run as a recovering
codependent it took decades to see this pattern, it feels icky every time it is done to me.
I got all the special compliments, about my intelligence and being noble and he still dumped me so... He would still say stuff like "you give me so much" while he didnt give me much while checking attractive women out. He was very consistent which makes it even more confusing
Never tolerate a voyeur
Mine too
So I see you took my comment off.
Well, what I said Was I don't understand how women put up with that kind of behavior in the first place- Any Human indoctrinated male ever did that to me, the 1st time would be his last time- and that's one situation his d*** a** would NEVER FORGET!
but it is the women's fault for putting up with it the 1st time-
I think compliments should have more depth if they’re real. Like what does it say I like that you give me…?
I feel so identified with walking on eggshells, always doubting myself. I think that my ex has obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.
It's such a today ways. Back when I was manipulated, there were no cell phones and texting. We had a land lines. One line...only. Payphones too.
This wa sso empowering for me to hear and validating. I speak up for myself and have been made to feel im entitled for wanting to he treated a certain way.
1:05:33 Wow, thank you for sharing this conversation to frame what a good conversation is regarding both partners’ feelings
Omg 😱 you guys just saved me ❤ thank you 🙏
Thank you, ladies! You're the best! (Not flattery, TRUTH! 🤣)
❤
Thank - you so much all this information very helpful
When the compliments wane and the criticism starts 🚩
Leave the ghosts alone. They have other options
100%!
Impossible to do in a marriage with someone who thinks you owe it to them. My husband expected sex just because we were married. I feel like a fool!!! My husband literally would say, "Well I hope you have a good time, it isn't like I get to go." or "Gee, your taking the kids to the museum, I hope you have a good time without me. It isn't like I get to do anything." Now we are in a messy divorce after over 30 years of marriage. He walked out over two years ago, but wouldn't file for a divorce. I finally just said enough is enough and filed. He is making it as ugly as he possibly can. Hindsight is 20/20!! I should have had the courage to walk out years ago, but I was so manipulated that I wasn't even thinking clearly. It has taken a lot of therapy for myself and our children to realize I matter. I still feel like a fool, but now I can find myself again, and my children can find who they are.
Look for consistentcy or inconsistency 👌🏼
If you are strong with ferme boundries you fear nothing.
15:50 I'm completely surprised to hear that, because I always thought of that the other way around.
Like, usually women text me back like the next day. Like the majority of them.
I don't particularly mind that, but it's definitely annoying. I really really appreciate it, if someone texts back right away.
I text back to ALL my friends as soon as I see the text which is usually right away unless it came in while I was sleeping.....I think it is very rude to do otherwise
Man you're describing my entire last relationship and it blew up to him straight up telling me day after day how worthless he thought I was even begging me to "blow my brains out"
She’s so beautiful
One guy didn't text me back for more than 24 hrs... I just blocked him. It does literally takes 3 seconds to text even if you are super busy!
Parent was in that mode . Refused all reasonable help
Did I just hear you say that you may be considering coming to Australia Terri??😃🌈⚡️Please do!! To Noosa Shire on the Sunshine Coast: THE most beautiful part of Oz. Let me know how I can help? 🙏🏽😍Lee B
I am in the same situation you were in that apartment but in long distance and I keep carrying h on because my fear for now. I have myself until end of this year.
I love her hair
I think the same thing whenever I see Terri Cole in videos and she's beautiful and elegant as well! 🙂
You are amazing and you get it❤securely tethered and completely free❤❤❤❤
I know for a Long Time. I am sensing everyone when I Look at them. I hate that Mattern. I know try to Focus on my Life. Who i Care for
Amazing discussion
smart women‘s talk❤
Wow she’s so beautiful
I'm new to this, and only got a phone 18 months ago. It happened once, it won't happen again. What a mess up.
Recently on several dating sites trying to put my toe in the water after 9 years of being single.....all guys wanting sex- sending inappropriate pictures of body parts. Disgusted. Taking another break ..gonna try again in a year
I know it's annoying and disgusting. The level is below zero.
Not all but many follow the same script.
I delay messages with people who do the same for me. Ive had Normal expectations and genuine expectations but this world uses u when they want to
When you do that to them they get upset.
@@buyiswamnyani5222 I agree😇 u teach people how to treat u. Especially some of my women friends who disappear when they married and come back to me now when they got marital problems.
I have to start doing this too but my natural habit is to respond quickly.
However a good decent person won't be triggered to devalue us when we are consistent and responsive because they like us for who we are.
@@buyiswamnyani5222 because we always gave them the impression we needed them. We tend to give ourselves fully when these relationships r in its early stages. We must give less till we know them well