Why You Should Stop Saying "Sorry" (most of the time)
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 11 июл 2019
- Try Skillshare for 2 months, for FREE! 👉 skl.sh/braincraft3
MY PATREON: / braincraft
And please consider SUBSCRIBING to BrainCraft 🧠 ow.ly/rt5IE
My Instagram / nessyhill | Twitter / nessyhill
Do you over apologise? Or over apologize, depending where you're from 😉 I've struggled with this for a while and wanted to dig deeper for the first episode of this new mini-series, Everyday Psychology. I hope you find it helpful, and share it with someone in your life who needs to cut down on their sorry response.
Music by Epidemic Sound: epidemicsound.com/creator
REFERENCES 📚
Why women apologise more than men:
Schumann, K., & Ross, M. (2010). Why women apologize more than men: Gender differences in thresholds for perceiving offensive behavior. Psychological Science, 21(11), 1649-1655
Refusing to apologise can have psychological benefits for you:
Okimoto, T. G., Wenzel, M., & Hedrick, K. (2013). Refusing to apologize can have psychological benefits (and we issue no mea culpa for this research finding). European Journal of Social Psychology, 43(1), 22-31
Saying sorry makes other people feel worse:
Freedman, G., Burgoon, E. M., Ferrell, J. D., Pennebaker, J. W., & Beer, J. S. (2017). When saying sorry may not help: The impact of apologies on social rejections. Frontiers in psychology, 8, 1375
Know what you should and shouldn’t apologise for:
Freedman, G., Williams, K. D., & Beer, J. S. (2016). Softening the blow of social exclusion: The responsive theory of social exclusion. Frontiers in psychology, 7, 1570
How to soften the blow when you have to reject someone:
Freedman, G., Williams, K. D., & Beer, J. S. (2016). Softening the blow of social exclusion: The responsive theory of social exclusion. Frontiers in psychology, 7, 1570
I hope you enjoy this new animated mini-series! I wanted to explore the psychology of everyday situations (and I over apologise A LOT, all the time). If you have a question or episode idea, please suggest it below!
And I know this may feel a little different than my previous episodes, so thank you for your patience here :) I hired an animator because I need to take a little time off my production schedule, full update in my video earlier this week: ruclips.net/video/WsnAMVVjcsY/видео.html
I love the animation!
It's a question of language, too. The German words for "sorry" ("Entschuldigung" and "Verzeihung") are rather long and formal, hence don't roll off the tongue as easily, also: culture - Germans are generally less polite ;-)
I'm Not Saying Sorry When I've Done Nothing Wrong
@@quentinlynch I'm 1/4 Kraut and I hate the S bomb from millennial girlies, esp in supermarket when they impede your way
The mindfulness book "30 Days to Stop Apologizing" by Harper Daniels is helpful.
As a Canadian, I cannot understand this video. Sorry...
Damn it, I was going to comment that lol.
@@Yalikejazzboi Every Canadian was going to comment this.
As a Mexican, I don't understand this video either... Sorry...
I’d honestly be interested to see the experiments repeated in Canada, since our society seems to use sorry a bit differently than others. I wonder if we’d react the same way.
@@460mas Canadians Spell it "Eh?", sorry about having to correct it, Eh?
One time, I bumped into a piece of furniture then I said sorry.
I do the same, but I only apologized when drunk.... just for the record cops dont like being compared to furniture, dont ask me how I know.
I’ve said “excuse me” to inanimate objects that were in my way before.
Aadi A coffee tables are not even people
@@KapnToadOFFICIAL u fool
I said sorry to a can of tomato when I dropped it-
I'm a big fan of using "Thank You" in many "sorry" situations. "Thank you for your patience" instead of "I'm sorry for the wait". That kind of thing. It reframes the situation into one of gratitude instead of ineptness.
I agree! Been to Switzerland and Japan in the last few years, both of which require way more "Thank you" and "sorry" than my home country. Seeing the Japanese use "sumimasen" aka "sorry" in so many different (and sometimes seemingly inappropriate) situations made me really curious and it turns out it can be translated both ways: "sorry" or "Thank you" depending on the context. After initial confusion I also use way more "Thank you" now.
It’s actually kind of rude as you are not acknowledging that this person’s time was not respected and /or they were inconvenienced. I find this twist a way of getting out of taking accountability rather than becoming assertive.
@@fiftyslady8945 "Thank you for your patience" doesn't tell someone I realized that they were inconveniently held up?
My hypothesis is that people don't like hearing "I'm sorry" because it can sound condescending or pitying
Or they see the person apologising as weak. So they have more confidence in dishing out extra sweet delicious hot sauce
No the reason is actually much worse.
Saying sorry triggers a switch in your head due to your association of that word with blame. Saying sorry makes people subconciously think there's something to be apologized for - implying that you wronged them somehow. Even though you didn't do anything it takes them less time to react to the impulse than they need to process the situation. But since anger requires a certain cool down time, they'll be still mad at you even after they get aware of the fact that you didn't do anything. And then to make things worse their agitation leads their thinking pattern into a hostile direction since you made them associate you with their bad feelings. Their brain starts to sift through every negative association and experience they have with you right infront of you and you're left with a really irritated person conversing with you in an uncomfortable manner if they dont outright dump all their frustration they just generated on you. Now unless you get to navigate you and the other person out of this mess you'll both leave this interaction with some ammount of a lower opinion on the other person.
Sorry for the comment sections overuse of sorry. (Sorry, I had too).
I'm sorry I don't comment more often. Your videos are always enlightening on inconvenient behaviours, thank you.
Ha thanks!
*This is totally my thing* 😂😂
Don't apologise for things that are not your mistake 😊
I just apologized over 4 times to my friends for being moody, then apologized for apologizing and then repeating it like twice and I feel like I annoyed them for being overdramtic and making a big deal out of nothing and now I feel like apologizing yet again. I'm just gonna cry over it and hope I feel better later and hope that they don't hate me now.
I once was doing some classwork with some students when I was in 5th grade in 2007, and I made fun of my frined, and then I had to apologize. 5 minutes later, I apologized to him again for apologixing, then I went crazy and dropped a water bottle on the wire.
As a fellow over apologizer, I appreciate that you showed the other persons reaction!
Same
I'm also called diana😃
I have mixed feelings about this. People who consistently *don't* apologize when they've had a negative impact on others seem arrogant and self-important, since they don't acknowledge it in even the simplest way. There's a lot of advice out there telling people in positions of power to not apologize, which exacerbates the issue. (Yes, I'm Canadian, but I feel it should be basic courtesy to acknowledge others' feelings.)
Question - is saying sorry when you're not actually sorry more or less bad than remaining silent?
yeah id rather apologize alot
ruclips.net/video/FCpBf3aMzmg/видео.html
I know same with me for me I can't stop saying sorry I don't know why sorry ugh it's hard to stop
In Canada the use of sorry is prolific, so much so that in law, the use of sorry is not considered an admission of guilt in anyway. So, its use in Canada has nothing to do with guilt, and requires nothing from the person you have apologized to (forgiveness). Its a common understanding and I dont think anyone on Canada has the issues/concerns you described here.
Wow that gave great perspective! Many would have forgotten to look at it in the context of using it as an expesssion for acknowledging someone else's feelings even if we aren't gulity or don't even agree with them... such a usage of the word has great consequences👌🏻
Sorry, that's not a problem I have.
I'm sorry...?
I work in retail and customer consistently gets in my way all the time. Instead of them apologising, I am the one who says 'sorry' all the time. I really need to stop this. Customer don't owe me anything
I mean, not to be that guy, but you work for a company that pays you to serve the customers.
Kinda got to be nice and compensate for their ignorance, you're paid too.
Ugh, customer!
They just disturb while you are happily programming.
@@TheMrRiceFighter I took the video's point as not that you should be less polite, but that when being polite, using expressions other than apologies will actually be more effective *and* leave both you and them feeling better afterwards.
So, saying "Could I ask you to move over here for a second so I can move these boxes past you?" might be just as polite and effective as saying the same thing with a "sorry" in front, but since you don't actually have anything to actually apologize for, it might leave both of you feeling better afterwards.
People tell me I do this ALL THE TIME, but I was programmed to as a child, when my father would literally blame everything on me, from the weather to the outcome of a sporting event, and refused to move on until I apologized. Looking back, perhaps he thought it was a funny running gag, but he pretty much ruined what little self-esteem I had.
Sorry
While I certainly miss your animations, I’m happy that you are doing what is right for you!!
Why does apologising to somebody make them feel worse? If the reason for this was included in the video then unfortunately I missed it. (No, I'm NOT going to apologise for that...lol)
There was a bit about it making you feel coerced into forgiving the person, and also about how the overuse makes it sound less genuine.
@@Leah-xh1rc Thx. Obviously I should pay more attention 🙂
@@Leah-xh1rc I was saying in another comment about how eastern european cultures don't say "sorry" or even "hi, 'how are you?' " when you don't mean it, or don't really care how the person is. They find it disingenious.
@@ScantaniouslyCombust I remember something about it being almost offensive in Russia to laugh without meaning it? It's pretty interesting, though I imagine people who do that when nervous would have a bear of a time.
I used to know a person, who said sorry in every other sentence. She didn't talk much, but she ended even questions with sorry. Typical answer to saying bye was "thank you and sorry". It was otherwise very kind and friendly person but this habit of saying thanks and sorry was really odd. At start I tried to answer something like: "No need to say sorry, I'm glad you came." It didn't help. I wish she'd watch this video but we're out of touch.
Not sure what made me share this. Okay, thank you, ... if you didn't find it interesting.
I noticed some people say sorry so often that people don’t really appreciate them saying it anymore. 🔥
I wonder if this is exactly why the "take offence at a sorry" phenomenon mentioned in the video is a thing. Perhaps people feel that others 'apologise' in an insincere manner so often that then any apology is taken in that light. It's gone from genuine apology to neutral reception all the way out to actively taking offence!
I feel that this video is made directly for me .. I apologise to almost everything. I'll try my best to kick this habit and use it only when necessary. Thanks 😃
i know i'm gonna love this series!!!
I live in Brazil and I’m constantly amazed at these people’s inability to apologise or to accept an apology offered. They will ram you in the street, knock you off your bike, leave you waiting hours for them on a street corner..... but they will _never_ apologise. I wonder if it’s because an apology is an admission of guilt and in a country where everything is resolved with violence, people are hesitant to admit fault.
Just caught up on the last 6 BrainCraft videos I missed. Have to say, it's been a while since I've enjoyed watching RUclips for ~35 straight minutes.
I only knew after I interrupted a conversation by saying sorry, and the guy looked at me and said "you're sorry?, why are you sorry?, sorry for what?", this put the thought in my head, and after watching this video I knew exactly what he meant 😓.
My life gets a lot better every time I watch one of your videos :)
Another over used term is "thank you". Many people respond to a "thank you" by replying "thank You" instead of the proper response of "you're welcome". And why do we so often say "thank you" to a cashier at a store when we had to pay money to them. They should be thanking us, and many times they do, at which time we should respond with "you're welcome".
The cashier doesn't get the money you give in most cases unless the cashier is the owner. You are thanking the cashier for the service they performed for you of ringing up and maybe also bagging your groceries.
Thank you, so helpful!
i *_REALLY_* enjoy the new animations! I do some illustrations for my own videos so i know how much work can go into making them
Thank you so much!
Thank you for this excellent speech..I think we can or should try to say sorry whenever we are wrong and explain things convince and try to avoid negativity or clumsy crappy atmosphere, thank you once again
I’m curious whether these results can be replicated across languages and cultures
I thought the same thing. If someone said "No, I don't want to go to lunch with you", without apologising, I'd be wondering why they hated me, and doubt I'd ever invite them again.
@@DeborahFishburn people from eastern europe tend to not use "sorry" for apologising or even "how are you" when greeting someone, especially strangers. They would just say "hello" instead. It's a small change, but has huge impact in social interactions if you don't understand that culture. They tend to be more ridgid and only use that language for people they actually care about. It's anecdotal evidence from my experience, but i've had a few people from eastern europe who've become close friends with me, and they explain that's exactly how they think about it. They find it weird that people in english speaking western culture ask "how are you?" in a greeting strangers, because you don't really care how they actually are.
even smiling actually! They don't smile unless they are actually laughing or happy etc
In my experience tese results could be replicated. In some cultures even more. A friend of mine came to Germany a couple of years ago and he appologized often. I think in many English speaking countries his use of appologies would be moderate and even appropriate but for German social standards it was excessive.
He came to stay and live here, so I told him that he should not use sorry too much.
It made me feel a little bit uncomfortable because it gave me the feeing that I would appear intimidating. That could be problematic if you want to make friendships.
It could also be perceived as if you have some personal or even mental issues. In the worst case it could be perceived as sarcastic.
I was surprised how fast he changed it and how well he adapted.
There is this stereotype that people in German are impolite and harsh. But actually the difference is that the expression of politeness is very subtle.
For example: Normally if someone bumps into someone else, it is enough just to signal that it was not intendet. „Hoppla“, „ups“ or just a handsign.
Or if you appologize it is better to do it in context like: „We wanted to meet and I forgot it, sorry.“
Very interesting info.
I love this new logo.
im so sorry i watch it after one years later
Thank you. I sent this video to a friends who really got into my nerves because of this terrible habit.
*This video reminds me of that episode in the Boondocks*
Wherein Sarah and Tom was arguing about Tom apologizing all the time
Me(before the video: Sorry!
Me(after the video): My apologies!
sorry for not watching your videos as often, still, great work
gonna send this to my friend
Sometimes, when someone complains about you for something that doesn't worth a sorry, for instance something you didn't do purposely or that wasn't a mistake, sorry is the adequate response and lets off the pressure.
I said this so many times at one time in my life. Took along time to change from over-apologizing.
Just sent this to a friend, she needs it haha
I think that someone should set up a experiment where somebody apologizes for doing something that is not considered offensive . (Perhaps a survey could be included several weeks before that asks participants to rate how offensive they found different things.)
Give them 24 hours and then ask them to rate how offended they were by the act someone apologized to them for, which they had previously stated was not offensive.
*You gotta stand for what you believe in* 🙏
Me stepping on a foot in the public transport and recalling this video "OK, OK, OK"
Thank you.
I just stopped saying "sorry" when I know that I'm not actually sorry. I only say it when I mean it and it has helped a lot. I used to feel my wife sorry a lot and I realized it made me feel like I was not equal in this relationship. I stopped saying sorry so much and things have improved a lot. I feel like she respects me more and I don't feel so stupid.
Throughout my life, I've been very apologetic to certain people for no real reason and some of them have got annoyed by it. But that's just me
I was fully expecting the final word in this video to be "sorry", sorry!
I can't relate to this video at all. I don't say sorry that often and I don't feel worse from a rejection that has sorry in it.
Maybe being rejected by a "nicer" person (who says, 'I'm sorry') feels like we're missing out on more than when we're rejected by someone who doesn't seem to care about our feelings? And therefore it hurts more.
I still remember a stupid incident where this guy cycling on a narrow pavement at high speed nearly rode straight into me, causing him to brake suddenly to avoid a collision - and he got really mad at me for being in the way, such that it felt like he would beat me up at any moment! He had a little kid on the back of his bike as well - even though he was cycling really fast! I wasn't actually very well, and so wasn't in the mood for any kind of exchange - so I kept quite during the whole encounter (even though he was calling me "crazy" and "nutter"). I could've pointed out that, due to it being in the early evening and the sun was shinning right in my eyes I couldn't see a thing. But the guy was very confrontational and unstable - so it felt unwise to talk back. LOL, his poor little kid was just wanting the whole thing to be over as well from the looks of him. I didn't feel safe to just walk away as I felt sure he was going to just punch me. So I had to wait until he moved to getting his bike and his kid again. And then I started walking on - but all the while taking precautionary looks behing me until I was something like a good 100 to 200 metres away (every time I looked back he was still looking my way, with an expression as though ready to get into a punch up). But, yeh - not a "sorry" left my lips LOL! I'll erase this memory now - as it's served it's purpose. Sorry.
best thing sorry wasn't said, that word riles me up more than nothing being said
Saying sorry is a literal part of being British!!
Oh , So you are gonna tell Canadians and Brits that they shouldn't say sorry?
I am *sorry* dear, that can't happen.
Yeah, its not common knowledge of how Canadians use the term sorry, but it doesn't align with how this video portrays the use of it. Canadians have a clear understanding based on context in which the apology is offered of what it means, we dont associate the use of sorry with guilt or requirement for forgiveness.
Im Canadian, I cant its in my DNA
TYUIO11111 I am so sorry
That's it. No more sorries.
What about those of us who work in call centers and are trained to say sorry for literally everything? This can spill over to our non-working life and you end up being a bag of sorrys :(
A few years ago I saw a post about how nice people are in the PNW. Since then I've paid a bit more attention to the examples they mentioned. One thing that I always get a chuckle out of is how when passing someone in a grocery aisle who is looking at the shelf both people will apologize (me included!) I.e., "Sorry (for blocking your view of the shelf)" and "Sorry (for being in your way in the aisle.)"
Thank you...
I will just say I apologize too much now
I honestly don't know what other word to use when something bad happens to people, no matter the severity. It doesn't matter if it's my fault or not.
Is it possible to call over-apologizing as a trauma response,
I like the new animation. but what happened to the stop motion animation?
completely agree, i do this way too much. but this helps
Tons of people use “sorry” as an excuse, instead of giving me the real answer.
It pisses me off. People hurt my feelings more when they say “sorry” because most of the time it’s not real. Most of the time, it’s really “leave me alone” or “deal with it”.
if i accidentally dirty someone instead of apologizing what else can i say?
I often find it more useful to say something nice or sometimes something funny instead of sorry, but sorry not always. Being content about sorry (s) is healthy?
BTW who's making the new great eye-catching animation, loved it.
@ebrwheam I think you hit the nail on the head with this comment (at least from my Canadian point of view) - its the acknowledgment that matters, but not the specific act of saying sorry, for minor things like a bump in the elevator. If you can say something witty thats fine too and shouldn't and would be preferred over the use of "sorry". But there are many people that cant be that witty that fast on the spot. and for the record, when in a crowded place, bumping into someone requests no apology if minor and both people understand, but on the opposite side bumping into the only person in the elevator does require an apology. Thats how I feel about it.
Depends on your culture. Maybe you barge through a crowd shouting “Outa my way!” but you’ll get past me much more quickly if you say “Excuse me!” in a moderately urgent faintly apologetic tone. We both know you’re not apologizing; just being polite and thanking me for not blocking you. If you accidentally block me in the aisle in the supermarket and don’t negligently mutter sorry, preceding or in response to the same from me, I’ll be wondering if you’re looking for a fight or a confrontation. Maybe I’ll start the confrontation. Because I’m from Ottawa and around here, muttering sorry is our way of saying lets not fight over this today and only outsiders think it has anything to do with taking responsibility for a situation. Getting real apologies at the right level is very tough to set rules of thumb for. No doubt getting it wrong can make a situation worse. But setting rules of thumb to be used all across the non-existent monoculture in which your viewers live is not helpful. Maybe suggest more close observation of others’ reactions and trying to ask local, well-regarded people what they do.
I shared this with my Zipfizz Team and it was a great way to start my day. #zipfizz#motivatation
as an empath (one who feels the emotions of others), my "sorrys" were rarely apologies for anything i had done, but more a form of sympathy for the way someone was feeling.
in time i learned that #1 people almost ALWAYS assume "sorry" = "apology" (hence the answer "why? it's not your fault") and #2 most people aren't even aware of their own hurt feelings, which may be why "sorry" elicits anger or aggression in some.
(btw, put ANY hot sauce on my plate and you WILL be wearing it!! 😈)
Apologies if i can ask this, how’s everyone doing during this pandemic? Hope all are doing okay.
I always carry a thumb rule of:
If there is no way you could have affected the outcome of the situation by changing doing it another way, then there is nothing to apologize for.
but at the same time, it has backfired quite a lot and I do tend to apologize a lot as well.
I say sorry for texting when someone ignores or late replies to my messages.... and eventually I lose them
Damn, this happens SO often with me since I moved from Brazil to New Zealand. I have no idea why, but for some reason this became part of my instinct since moving here.
This helped, thank you. I say sorry wayyy to much and then I say sorry every time I say sorry. ;-;
My question is how is this habit of saying sorry more often instilled? What do others say and do that causes people to say sorry as a habit. It seems that it is instilled early in life, so what do parents and caregivers say and do that makes kids have this habit?
I CAN’T STOP SAYING SORRY
my best friend always tells me that i am sayin sorry too much but i feel like if i dont say that i am sorry that that would make me look like i dont even care. like wouldnt that person think "she didnt even apologised, she probably doesnt even care about it"? So I always apologise even if its something small like getting into someones personal space and things like that
Oh I hhave a friend who always said "sorry" when she sneezed. Was a piece of work to get her to stop doing that, it was actually getting annoying to everyone else
In Ireland the word sorry can and is used to start a sentence, and it's contagious.
That sorry seems to be the hardest word
I could easily stop saying sorry, but do you suggest that I just don't react when I accidentally bump into a stranger?
I really don't want to be rude.
When you’re at a rave and bump into someone and both of you profusely apologize
My sister came into my room and gave my sandals I left in her room. I said sorry and thought, oh haha. I'm dumb
Yeah for rejections it is so much more sensible to explain our situation instead of apologizing or feeling the urge to apologize even after clearly explaining our situation... there are exceptions of course, and if rarely used, sorry sounds fair enough and sensible too.
I’ve walked into a lamppost and said sorry! BritishProblems!
Did the lamppost say sorry too or were walking somewhere in a foreign country?
Thank you 😊🎉
From ❣️ INDIA❣️
Imagine if you bump into some random guy, and you apologize, and the person says "HOW DARE YOU SAY SORRY".
Yes but obviously if you accidentally barge someone, you don't say thank you
i'm part Canadian, i can't help myself
We are living in the world of Schitt’s Creek!😁
I find this problematic cos nowadays people don't know I've accepted they're apologies. Sorry does work for me if I was genuinely offended. But it's annoying when someone apologizes for something I take no offence from whatsoever.
I used to say the s-word when I couldn't hear something properly in a conversation. In the last few months, I've changed this habit and now I say, "what's that?"
I can't stop saying sorry
Can we talk about why we say "bless you" and "thank you" when some else says "bless you" after sneezing.
While i like the animation, i think it should only be used occasionally. I much prefer the real life visualisation. Unforgettable was the meat paste on toast shaped like a brain and then you took a bite to represent memory los. More of these strokes of brilliance please. Much more creative much more memorable!
As I've mentioned on the scishow video where this video was teased, this is a concept I've been considering over the past year or so. This ( www.boredpanda.com/stop-saying-sorry-say-thank-you-comic-yao-xiao/ ) really helped me realize how much better a different wording can be.
Also now if I encounter a friend who apologies without sincerity or (more often) when they clearly cannot do anything I will likely point that out to them. Hopefully it'll make them consider why they are apologizing and let them come to the same conclusion I've come nearly a year ago. That apologizing should be reserved for where it actually matters and not be overused when it's not their fault, there's nothing they can do, or worst of all when they clearly couldn't be bothered and are just saying sorry out of habit.
How can I hurt someone and not sorry
Sorry for using sorry on a video about using sorry. I’m very sorry!
I don’t try to avoid the Canadian habit of saying sorry so that my sorry’s matter more when I do say it