This really resonated with me Dr Sage. When you talked about the child knowing about the affair, I had such a strong and unexpected reaction to that. From age 6 til 8 as the eldest child I was made aware of my mothers affair and asked by my dad to watch her and report back to him. Then they would fight when I did. I was so tuned in to it all and felt sick when the guy would call the house or we were sat outside in the car waiting for her at his house. I remember vividly one day being told to look after my 3 and 5 year old sisters whilst we waited for ages with a packed lunch in the car. As a mum now this breaks my heart. But it taught me to be on high alert and I struggle with trust. When she eventually left us for the man, an alcoholic, our dad would talk badly of her and tell us not to see her. I still have this deep longing for motherly love coupled with guilt that I shouldn't feel that because it was wrong. Also for fatherly love as after she left he became suicidal and we were constantly on egg shells, especially after he tried to take his own life, he was emotionally gone from then on. I put him on a pedestal and tried to get his approval and attention by achieving high and being perfect. He died of cancer when I was in my late teens, 23 years ago today. I think this sense of loss and longing has been with me my whole life. Feeling resentful that I had to be 'parent' to my sisters and my feelings were not considered. Guilt also that I couldnt make it all better. What it did do for the better was make me determined to be the best parent I can to my two children. This series is really helping me so much to untangle alot of my feelings and know that I'm not alone in feeling these things. Alot came out for me today! Thank you truly for so much brilliant content and for being here Dr sage we are blessed 🙏❤
Having a list of parental behaviors is very helpful, to be able to name what I experienced is freeing. The behind closed doors behaviors stood out for me, and yes, this does lead to self doubt - was it really that bad? If so, wouldn’t other adults have picked up on it? The hyper vigilance also stood out, the watching for patterns: streams of criticisms built up anger that would justify drinking, and so on. Alcoholism was not the real problem, I now realize. It likely was bpd, the male expression of it: anger, substance abuse, splitting. Makes a lot of sense the more I reflect on it as I learn from your videos. Thank you, Dr. Kim.
Wow, Dr Sage, you’ve really dialed up the frequency of your videos as of late. Thanks for your hard work creating this great content! I predict 100K subs by year end at this rate!
Thank you for this video. I don’t want to repeat patterns, and this is the beginning of a journey to learn what I can do to do my part to break this generational trauma brain.. Maybe a video about this? How as adults, maybe already as parents, we can check what we do to make sure our behaviors are aligning with our parenting values. Hope that makes sense. Thank you!
Damn Dr Kim, your research is STELLAR. You are at the top of the PhD Clinical Psychology pile in the country. Keep up the remarkably healing content. Bless You.
I have experienced all 15 of these for 10 years under a family friend with NPD who took me in after my parents died. I was 14. I definitely struggle from trauma brain still and I'm 30. I keep telling my therapist that I think I have cptsd but she keeps just telling me that all of my reactions are normal. It feels like I'm being gas lit all over again. I'm losing hope that I'll ever heal.
Hey doctor sage, my situation is quite different because i have african parents who are emotionally distant and vague in the way they express their feelings and the way they expect me to express mine.my relationship with my mother is up and down like you said, where i can go from feeling like my mothers prince to feeling like her punching bag (verbally ofcourse more often than physically ;its a culture thing). The fake persona and gaslighting you were talking about really affects the way i love myself and the quality of my relationships with others that really eats me up every day because bad things were said and done.I hate that everyone sees me as the naughty child and my parent as someone who has to put up with me when im really just in fight or flight mode and fighting for my sanity. Basically i want to ask how i can reach a crossroads with her and make it obvious to her that her obliviousness to my being treated like a parent in a childs body makes me feel and to destroy the resentment that is ever growing and ever boiling due to this ignorance (because no African parent is willing to admit that their wrong especially if its to a child ) just turned 18 btw.
Do you think the spread of narcissism can in any way be attributed to Dr. Spock or other "approved" parental instructional books published in the past few decades? I remember a big push to "not hit" by my parents; wondering if the rate of hitting as a punishment can be correlated with the rise of "spite", aka narcissism. I often wonder if it would have been better to just be hit than to play the spiritual, mental and physical games that have been played over decades.
@@FionavanDahl Actually I am wondering if the prolonged nature of alternative punishment types contributed to the empathetic castration of a generation and more. To give you a whipping, I only have to harden my heart for a minute. But to restrict you from something you love for a week takes much more cunning endurance. It is not hard to imagine a parent trying to make such an endurance test into a game. Before long, it becomes easy. Easier than whipping and more fun too. "Plus, nobody can say you're abusing your kids, specially your kids!!"
This really resonated with me Dr Sage. When you talked about the child knowing about the affair, I had such a strong and unexpected reaction to that. From age 6 til 8 as the eldest child I was made aware of my mothers affair and asked by my dad to watch her and report back to him. Then they would fight when I did. I was so tuned in to it all and felt sick when the guy would call the house or we were sat outside in the car waiting for her at his house. I remember vividly one day being told to look after my 3 and 5 year old sisters whilst we waited for ages with a packed lunch in the car. As a mum now this breaks my heart. But it taught me to be on high alert and I struggle with trust. When she eventually left us for the man, an alcoholic, our dad would talk badly of her and tell us not to see her. I still have this deep longing for motherly love coupled with guilt that I shouldn't feel that because it was wrong. Also for fatherly love as after she left he became suicidal and we were constantly on egg shells, especially after he tried to take his own life, he was emotionally gone from then on. I put him on a pedestal and tried to get his approval and attention by achieving high and being perfect. He died of cancer when I was in my late teens, 23 years ago today. I think this sense of loss and longing has been with me my whole life. Feeling resentful that I had to be 'parent' to my sisters and my feelings were not considered. Guilt also that I couldnt make it all better. What it did do for the better was make me determined to be the best parent I can to my two children. This series is really helping me so much to untangle alot of my feelings and know that I'm not alone in feeling these things. Alot came out for me today! Thank you truly for so much brilliant content and for being here Dr sage we are blessed 🙏❤
Wow, that must have been and still be so difficult! I wish you love and healing.
Having a list of parental behaviors is very helpful, to be able to name what I experienced is freeing. The behind closed doors behaviors stood out for me, and yes, this does lead to self doubt - was it really that bad? If so, wouldn’t other adults have picked up on it? The hyper vigilance also stood out, the watching for patterns: streams of criticisms built up anger that would justify drinking, and so on. Alcoholism was not the real problem, I now realize. It likely was bpd, the male expression of it: anger, substance abuse, splitting. Makes a lot of sense the more I reflect on it as I learn from your videos. Thank you, Dr. Kim.
Wow, Dr Sage, you’ve really dialed up the frequency of your videos as of late. Thanks for your hard work creating this great content! I predict 100K subs by year end at this rate!
Thank you, Dr. Sage!
I never felt safe or loved in my family.
Thank you for this video. I don’t want to repeat patterns, and this is the beginning of a journey to learn what I can do to do my part to break this generational trauma brain.. Maybe a video about this? How as adults, maybe already as parents, we can check what we do to make sure our behaviors are aligning with our parenting values. Hope that makes sense. Thank you!
Damn Dr Kim, your research is STELLAR. You are at the top of the PhD Clinical Psychology pile in the country. Keep up the remarkably healing content. Bless You.
I have experienced all 15 of these for 10 years under a family friend with NPD who took me in after my parents died. I was 14. I definitely struggle from trauma brain still and I'm 30. I keep telling my therapist that I think I have cptsd but she keeps just telling me that all of my reactions are normal. It feels like I'm being gas lit all over again. I'm losing hope that I'll ever heal.
Hey doctor sage, my situation is quite different because i have african parents who are emotionally distant and vague in the way they express their feelings and the way they expect me to express mine.my relationship with my mother is up and down like you said, where i can go from feeling like my mothers prince to feeling like her punching bag (verbally ofcourse more often than physically ;its a culture thing). The fake persona and gaslighting you were talking about really affects the way i love myself and the quality of my relationships with others that really eats me up every day because bad things were said and done.I hate that everyone sees me as the naughty child and my parent as someone who has to put up with me when im really just in fight or flight mode and fighting for my sanity. Basically i want to ask how i can reach a crossroads with her and make it obvious to her that her obliviousness to my being treated like a parent in a childs body makes me feel and to destroy the resentment that is ever growing and ever boiling due to this ignorance (because no African parent is willing to admit that their wrong especially if its to a child ) just turned 18 btw.
Do you think the spread of narcissism can in any way be attributed to Dr. Spock or other "approved" parental instructional books published in the past few decades? I remember a big push to "not hit" by my parents; wondering if the rate of hitting as a punishment can be correlated with the rise of "spite", aka narcissism.
I often wonder if it would have been better to just be hit than to play the spiritual, mental and physical games that have been played over decades.
@@FionavanDahl Actually I am wondering if the prolonged nature of alternative punishment types contributed to the empathetic castration of a generation and more.
To give you a whipping, I only have to harden my heart for a minute. But to restrict you from something you love for a week takes much more cunning endurance. It is not hard to imagine a parent trying to make such an endurance test into a game. Before long, it becomes easy. Easier than whipping and more fun too.
"Plus, nobody can say you're abusing your kids, specially your kids!!"