Stop Comparing Yourself To The Affair Partner
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- Опубликовано: 6 июл 2024
- Coach Jay (www.MrJayRelationshipCoach.com) here to give you your weekly dose of Vitamin Jay on why we shouldn't compare ourselves to the affair partner. *I probably should have mentioned that often times those that stray are looking to fill a void within.
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It’s so hard not to. She’s younger than I am & a lot prettier… she lifts his spirits
This is something I never did, because I know that people always cheat DOWN. There can never be anyone as good as you and only rotten people cheat with cheaters. Good people do not get involved with people that are taken, so the affair partner is automatically a crappy person, no matter who they are, what they look like, etc. They are trash!
Amen
Cheat down? Nahhhh not always! Normally there's something missing in a marriage for someone wanting to cheat.... Not saying it's right, They should definitely try to communicate with their spouse. Sometimes things get ignored in relationships & and he's looking for someone that actually appreciates him & makes him feel appreciated & alive.
I needed this comment. Thanks. Hubby cheated and I'm devastated 😢
@@Bumbledora
I am so very sorry you are experiencing the most traumatizing pain. My husband cheated on me. He was caught over 81/2 years ago and I am still struggling. He was in a 2 1/2 year affair with a girl the same age as our youngest daughter. We had been married for 38 yrs when he was caught. Within a few weeks 2 additional lengthy affairs were revealed. All 3 affairs were in a span of 13 years. I had absolutely no suspicions. God revealed all of his secret sexual sins. I am now 64 yrs old and we have been married for 46 years. I don’t want to discourage you but at the same time don’t want to tell you things will return to the marriage you had before. Betrayal trauma is real and I ended up with PTSD. I am still very depressed and can’t leave my home. I get very overwhelmed and have panic attacks. We did stay married but over the past 8 years our marriage crumbled. We are just roommates sleeping in separate rooms. About 3 years ago my husband told me he was no longer sexually attracted to me and he has no desire to have a sexual relationship with me. We have not had sex in 3 years. Even after 13 years of having affairs, he is still rejecting me sexually. He claims men his age that have been married for so many years, has no sex drive. I am not dumb. He just turned 65. He is still working and very active. He also gets testosterone hormone therapy. If I had known that over 8 years down the road would be this way, I would have made much different decisions. I am so sorry. I pray that your husband is remorseful towards you and wants to restore y’all marriage. The 8 year journey that I have been on was and still is pure hell. Their responses of being remorseful towards you and their actions line up with their words, I think makes things much easier to get to a better place in your marriage. My husband did none of these things. He was very angry at me every time we tried to discuss his evil ways. 😢
@@CherylSimon-ij2db I'm so sorry to hear how your husband betrayed you. I don't know why they are so dumb and delusional to believe in what they do is okay. In April it'll be 1 yrs and I'm still angry, sad and feel really disgusted by his affair partner and what they did behind my back. My husband shows some remorse and is sad of how much he has hurt me. He works on our marriage as do I, but to just let it go... I'm not ready to do that. He pays a lot for what he has done (not talking about money) and what pisses me off is that his affair partner doesn't pay anything at all although she knew he was married with kids. Grown up kids though, but still! Sorry, I'm ranting. I know I'm not alone and your comment confirms it. Made me so sad. I don't think we'll ever really get over it. We, at our own choice of point (darn... probably wrong expression... English not my first lingo), have to accept and move on, but the trauma will always be there. Why? How? I've had PTSD before and I know it can crawl back when life treats you badly. So, I'm back in my PTSD but in another situation. I know it sucks for you too. I get put down for staying with him, but unfortunately, I still love him. Though not religious at all, we're married and I really don't want a divorce. However, if I ever stop loving him, I probably will divorce him. Sending you my thoughts and hugs 🌹💗🇸🇪
Six months ago my 66 yr old husband of 32 years became limerant for a 28 year old. I am a 68 year old cancer survivor. They had an affair in my home, in our bed. I'm surrounded by triggers and can't help comparing myself to a 28 year old. God this is cruel.
D-day for my wife’s affair was 9 months ago. It took me a while to understand it had nothing to do with me. Although she played the “blame game” at first she now admits it was all about excitement for her. She knew it would hurt me if I found out, but the excitement was so overpowering she couldn’t stop. She admits to actually crying at times because she know why she was doing was wrong, but couldn’t stop. Just like an alcoholic who refuses to get help with his disease. The excitement was too addicting to her.
Exactly
We are ending 20year marriage as husband chose affair partner Co worker. I am traumatized. He stormed off saying he wasn't happy in our marriage and found happiness now. It's been 4month now I am very devastated...
I am so very sorry to hear. Statistics show us that if you are going to be cheated with, there's a good chance you'll be cheated on, so I wouldn't count on many years of bliss for either of them. As for yourself; submerge yourself into self-care and as much support as you can. Although it may feel like it, You are not alone. - Mr. Jay
@@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner thanks so much. How can I have proper consultation with you?
@@strawberryfarm859 Thank you for reaching out. Always happy to chat with you. Here is my contact page mrjayrelationshipcoach.com/contact/
If someone flips me off going down the road, I'm having a little burst of a f*** you moment, and flipping them off right back. Immediately. But low key, this was the best answer I've had to this question, so far. Thank you for that.
I never thought about this, it makes sense thank you , that does help alot.
This video has allowed me to shift my mindset. Thank you so much❣️
So thrilled to hear this!!! 😊
- coach Jay
Very logical and very true!
Thank you sir for your words & perspective... Sometimes that voice in the storm is like a beacon, helping you navigate the waves...I truly appreciate your effort, despite the date. I needed this reminder
Absolutely :)
Excellent point, thank you 🙏
Very welcome.
Thanks for the that 🇬🇧
Thank you for this.
Very welcome - Mr. Jay
I don't think this advice applies to narcissists at all. There was never love
Narcissists are in a whole different world, yes. - Mr. Jay
thank you! having BDD while also being a betrayed spouse is an absolute nightmare. Really appreciate your words, they are very helpful
You are very welcome. I appreciate you taking the time to watch my clips and I do hope they help. One of the things I always say is “don’t believe everything you think.“ :-)
Thank you so much, this really did help me. Specially because my spouse is out of town doing God knows what with God knows who. And instead of asking myself why? Now I know that it’s not about me, it’s about him not loving himself. And that is truly sad. But not my problem. 😬 praise God.
But you still deserve safety. - Mr. Jay
You explain so nice 😘👌👍🙏
It’s true. I remember my ex wife saying she hates herself. I didn’t know what to say
Usually I recommend listening to the hurt beneath all the comments.
Thank you thank you thank you. I needed to hear exactly this. My hubbs didnt love himself. However what and how he did what he did feels like he didnt love me. We are recovering. We are healing.
Healing after Betrayal is, by far, one of the most devastating journeys to walk. It is filled with headache/heartache, triggers and unbelievable frustrations. However, it is also offers one of the most absolutely amazing outcomes if you both work hard and stick with it. Kudos!!! - Mr. Jay
I’m there and it’s painful as hell! I hate him for this and his work whore!
Great video I need to think about it more in those terms she probably really didn't love herself when she had the affair
It helps, and it’s true.
It helps, and it’s true.
@@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner Thank you after 25 yr my husband left without a word after choking me for the side chick. BROKEN.
@@RosasResources Rosa it breaks my heart to hear this. Without knowing any of your story it looks as though you went through a lot of lies, manipulation, gaslighting, and betrayal blindness. I encourage you to watch my videos on trauma and please ensure you are giving yourself proper self-care and also giving you back what was stolen; your choices! - Mr. Jay
Thank you so much. I'm healing my soul.
What's sad is that not only do I know that the AP doesn't measure up to me, but I would've been willing to work through the betrayal. It was my husband who decided to end it, despite him being the one to hurt me.
Same here
Same here sister 😢
Same happened to me. Ex wife of 10 years had two affairs going at the same time. Now I say good riddance. She never even wanted to try.
They know you know how low they can go… that’s basically it
It’s not even about measuring. It’s about him being with someone different than you & the excitement he feels being with her
What about the ones who left with no remorse? Did they love us?
Possibly. There's also a possibility that had remorse but did not show it and there's also a possibility that remorse may come down the road - Mr. Jay
@@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner
Other than a gigantic divorce settlement and alimony-we had no kids-that’s it. The rest was all horrible. The settlement was nice, but part of me feels like it was more damage control than genuine remorse…though what does it matter either way.
There are often no winners in situations like these. You simply have to look for the silver linings in the lessons. @@ShaunyP26
You’re 100% correct. Good reminder.
I'm following what you are saying except for when you mention that they didn't love themselves. What does that mean and why would not loving themself be a reason to cheat?
Cheating is never justified, rationalized or excused. However, there is context that helps us understand why one makes such a decision. Factors include (but not limited to) childhood trauma, poor coping skills/coping mechanisms, profound life event, low self-esteem etc. When I mention that cheaters didn't love themselves it means they were out of touch with who they were, their boundaries etc., and are trying to become someone they are not (which is why affairs/cheating is rarely about wanting to find another person rather become - temporarily - another person).
My husband monkey branched to the coworker but I suspect he is having a midlife crisis, identity issues, childhood trauma, insecurity issues etc. I think there are alot of problems with him but he won't work on himself. He won't communicate. I love him and we are separated because this isn't the first time he has cheated on me but I can't be with someone who is so selfish and won't work on himself in order to repair us. I don't want a divorce but it is going that way. It's getting too hard to fix. I can't forgive him this time. The betrayl is too much. 😢
I really pray he sees the light before you launch your button of (little) return. - Mr. Jay
@@lmfisher650
I do too but he has moved away to live with the ap. I just think he is too cowardly to shortish me for genuine reconciliation and to put in the hard work to fix it. It's easier for him to live a new life. He is pretending to be someone he isn't with her. I know that for a fact because if she knew about his secret, she wouldn't tolerate it. @@BetrayalTraumaPractitioner
@@lmfisher650did you finally divorce him?
Adrenalin or dopamin?
Yes, pursuing something new/adventurous/different/the forbidden fruit etc releases a bunch of "feel good" chemicals in our brain. These chemicals give us a rush, a high. Often times the people stepping out of relationships are trying to pursue that "good" feeling/that "high" and has little to nothing to do with the actual person themselves, rather the need for the "high" they get from pursuing them. - Mr. Jay
Not adrenaline. Its dopamine
Yes, all the feel-good chemicals including dopamine.