Boarding School Trauma in Relationships: How to Love a Boarding School Survivor | Piers Cross
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- Опубликовано: 19 апр 2017
- Discover how to navigate a relationship with a boarding school survivor, understanding the unique challenges and emotional wounds they carry. Visit my website for more: www.piers-cross.com/
This video offers guidance for partners seeking to support their loved ones while fostering a deeper connection and healing together.
What can you do to help your partner to heal?
How to get your partner to trust you so that they can open up?
What inner work you can do for the benefit of yourself, and your loved ones.
I recorded this at one of England's top boarding school's in North Yorkshire. I felt it was an appropriate space to answer the question.
For more information on how to heal these boarding school wounds - I work as a transformational coach and specialize in addictions, boarding school trauma and men's issues: www.piers-cross.com/coaching
The video is about "Boarding School Trauma in Relationships: How to Love a Boarding School Survivor" but also tries to cover the following subjects:
Understanding Your Partner
Healing Emotional Wounds
Building Stronger Bonds
TITLE: Boarding School Trauma in Relationships: How to Love a Boarding School Survivor | Piers Cross
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✅ About Piers Cross:
Piers is a men's transformational coach and therapist who works mainly with trauma, complex PTSD, boarding school syndrome, addictions and relationship problems. He also runs online men's groups and runs a podcast called An Evolving Man.
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📩 Email: piers@piers-cross.com
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I am 51 now. To this day no relationship ever lasted long enough to be conducive to marriage. All partners complained about feeling lonely in my presence. The slavery and psychological abuse, and terror, were tremendous. Most of the damage took me years to repair - albeit not totally - and some of the damage I may never be able to even make a dent on. It also led me down the wrong academic and professional path for me.
Hi Omaha2pt, Thank you for taking the time to leave your comment. Yes, I have heard similar from other people and can definitely relate in my own life.
I personally feel that there are now tools to help us to heal completely - it takes time and patience but I have found that I personally am starting to heal. I have been in relationship now for 10 years. It is not without it's challenges but these wounds can be overcome. I have found EFT and in particular Matrix Reimprinting to be great for healing the unconscious and these beliefs we picked up in boarding school.
Many blessings to you,
Piers
Yes it happened to me too. It took me down the wrong professional path. I did very well academically, because I was a workaholic. I got the top results and went to the top university. But did it bring me happiness? No. A lot of that stuff I was not naturally good at. There were other things that I was much more naturally good at, took much less effort, not to mention I actually enjoyed. Why did I put myself through deliberate hardship? I think Piers has given the reasons.
I don't understand why parents would go to the bother of having children just so they could send them away to boarding school when they are 6-7 years old. There is another video on youtube that shows a young girl being dropped off to a boarding school age 7 because her father thought it was best for her. In other words, he didn't want to be bothered to bring up his own children. It is horribly emotionally wrenching to watch. When the little girl cries and cries for her mother (who is only four or five miles away), she's told it's best not to cry or call mommy because it would only upset mommy to know she's unhappy. Imagine learning at only age 7 that when one is unhappy and needs a bit of nurturing, they shouldn't go to their mother. Awful, really.
Thank you for your heart felt words Janet. Yes, it makes little sense to most of Europe. I often hear these same words from Europeans. Why have children if you are going to give them away at such a young age.
I have heard that many BS have shut down in the last 6 months which is good to hear. Many blessings, Piers
More to it than meets the eye. My parents were ex-pats, hence moved country every 2 or 3 years. My brothers and I all sent to BS on this basis + my father’s employer paid the costs. I dare say many in their position would have done exactly the same, so don’t always blame the parents - it was not an easy decision for them + add a generational issue and it makes more sense as to why this occurred. Many of my peers were in exactly the same position especially army/foreign office crew.
boarding school destroyed my life. I am 64 years old and the rapes I experienced by a teacher tipped me over the edge at a very young age. if a parent thinks they love their children then they should home educate them
ric david Hi Ric, thank you for taking the courage to share so openly. I too feel that home education makes so much more sense than boarding school. Many blessings, Piers
you too Piers
Im so sorry to hear what you experienced, it must have been very crippling during your life xxxx
@@pinksombreroakapinky840 Thank you
It makes perfect sense that you would shut down emotions to survive in such a hostile environment. I empathise deeply and appreciate you sharing your experience.
Thanks Margery, I appreciate your thoughtful words, take care, Piers
Cannot trust anyone. Cannot feel emotions. ( emotionally disabled ). This is such a helpful video, thank you Piers.
I am certain BS gave me these character traits. My childhood was essentially cut-off aged 9.
These character traits are at work in every single human interaction I have with anyone.
Cannot trust anyone. Cannot feel emotions. ( emotionally disabled ). Thank you Piers Cross.
Good afternoon Snowflake, Thank you for your courage in sharing so openly. I see you among the few who have the courage to admit they are emotionally disabled. I have noticed over the years that the partners of BS survivors see how shut down we are, but we are not able to see that.
The wonderful thing is that we can heal this and start to feel again. It is a long journey but there are so many healing paradigms out there to help us heal.
Good luck with your journey,
Blessings to you,
Piers
My girlfriend of 23 years recently gave up on me. She rejected, abandoned and left me. It brought up exactly the same fears and feelings that overwhelmed me when I was sent, at age 7, to boarding school, and each time I was sent back, where I felt rejected, abandoned and left alone. The greatest help I have had to process this unfortunate experience has been EMDR. I cannot recommend it too highly as a treatment for trauma. I quickly went from seeing myself as having been dumped to having been set free. Believe me, that is some difference. My feelings and reactions to my situation are no longer unbearably overwhelming, but more appropriate. It is good to be healing, and thank you for sharing your experience. I find identification to be healing too..
Good afternoon @Jonathan Dickson, thank you for your comments and sharing your story. And thank you for sharing your journey of healing - I have heard great things about EMDR and am really glad that it has helped you so much. Take care, Piers
Thanks for this video. I wish i saw it 3 weeks ago or so before he decided to step away from me because he cannot allow himself to get into a relationship :( yes, it’s pretty lonely and painful seeing someone with this syndrome (and I didn’t even know it was a syndrome until today!) going myself through my own traumas and therapy work, I understand and know the power of unconditional love and he has it but without being part of his life it doesn’t make a difference :( weirdly enough my ex husband when to military school and i now know that his behaviour, isolation and lack of people around him are a symptom of this syndrome. Maybe my previous marriage and this relationship would have not failed if i knew what i was dealing with :( thanks for the video and sending hugs to your wife for being such an angel
Thank you Anca for your honesty and your courage. Yes, it makes it much easier when we know what we are facing, although as my wife will attest, it is still a challenge. Thank you so much for supporting us and the work that you are doing. Many blessings, Piers
Thank you for this. Seeing and hearing what you say renews my hope that I can heal too.
Good afternoon Francesca, Thank you for taking the time to comment. Oh yes, everyone who has been to boarding school can heal in my opinion. It takes time, patience and a support network to be there when we are struggling but we can definitely heal. I really feel that the wounding that we received in boarding school can be a gift when we do heal. For then we can be the gift to others and be the support network for others - for we will know exactly what they are going through.
Much blessing and courage to you Francesca,
Piers
My husband went to a boarding school and I just found out this is why he’s so shitty thanks !
Good afternoon Rehnbowz, thank you for message. I'm sorry to hear that he is the way he is...
I have put up a few videos about boarding school - a longer one about my own experience and learnings from BS.
I would recommend that he (you) reads, the Making of Them by Nick Duffell which was life changing for me. It takes a while to heal but it is definitely possible.
Good luck and if I can be any help then please let me know. Many blessings, Piers
thanks for the open message
Chruth Fabian Hi Chruth, thank you for taking the time to comment and glad that the video made sense. Blessings, Piers
Thank you for this. It was very helpful
Hi Aquafeb1, A pleasure, thank you for taking the time to comment. Many blessings to you, Piers
omg , this is so inciteful thank you
Hi Piers, Thank you for sharing, good to know many of us can finally share our feelings and trauma from needless attachment-deficit way too young for a child to comprehend, we become 'lost for words'. Nick Duffel's work is a masterpiece on the social problem in this country of 'outsourcing parenting'.
Good evening Jake, yes it is so good to know that it is okay to feel our emotions and that we are no longer going to be shamed for them.
I love Nick's book and it was certainly transformational in my own life.
I would love to write a book about the tools I have used to heal myself from boarding school and open my heart. I realise that I have started but a way to go yet...
Many thanks Jake, Piers
Trauma from needless attachment - deficit. I have never understood why my parents..... I never mind. I can't let people in I've been married 4 times just wanting 2 be loved.. I hate that I feel this was but I'll never ever show any emotion. I need some advice and we're 2 go forward.. I omgosh it's like I've just exploded with emotions. I sorry
I can totally relate to this....
Thank you Ashley for your comment - I am amazed sometimes how many people can relate to this...
Private education in the UK instills a sense of superiority, a sense of a moral right to be a leader, that you will be running some of the country's institutions when you grow up. On these grounds alone they are dysfunctional. Add boarding to the mix and you've got a toxic situation. Anything that can start to change this is good. Britain is just too weird!
Hi Now_1, Thank you for sharing your words - very insightful.
Yes, I agree that private education in the UK tries to instill superiority. I have been coming up against that myself recently. It can come across as arrogance and coldness. It feels like a lack of empathy which in my books does not make a good leader...
Saying that my belief is that when those who have been to boarding school heal their wounds they not only have a lot of compassion but open heartedness as well - they know what pain feels like and are less likely to judge others.
Many blessings,
Piers
No bullying among the boys in my school ,,,,,, we had enough violence coming from the staff ... Langley school in the 60' /70's Hadden the sadist .... I have the police listening at last ,,,,,,,
i hope you get justice
The cops just revictimsed those that complained later in life. Very few survived their 20s. We had a ring of sadistic pedophiles. All got off Scott free. Can't trust the system at all.
I’ve been watching your videos as someone who is married to a boarding school survivor. As you were talking about not being able to trust anyone, I wondered about my husband’s best friend who has suddenly developed leukaemia at 64 and it crossed my mind his boarding school syndrome is at the core of it. Then you mentioned someone with leukaemia!!! Another weird thing I discovered in your comments is your experience with EFT and Matrix Reimprinting- and I’m a practitioner of both modalities and using them for my own wound healing, hoping that my husband will ask at some point for support. Thank you for these confirmations! Blessings
Hi Ivana, thanks for your comment and for sharing the synchronicities. I love EFT and Matrix Reimprinting - glad to hear that you are find them to be very healing - I use this with all my clients and feel that it works really well with ex-boarders. Many blessings, Piers
Thank you, very much.
Excellent share... Most of the survivors of boarding school are hard wired from the mistreatments at these institutes. It truly takes a patient person to be with a survivor.. Many of which do suffer from PTSD.
Enjoyed your video. Now can you discuss a new topic ??
When someone knows their history (pain and successes)
,and is made aware of there personal pain, suffering ...They start their healing process (councelling/ therapy/ quitting bad habits etc)... when do you advise someone after years / decades of healing
to stop rehashing there past... and move forward into good living...??What does that kind of living look like ?Can you comment about that ? what does Good Life look like ?
How do you maintain self, on the good path...what techniques do you use ?
Hi Kanzee, Thank you very much for your comment and insights. Let me have a think about your question and I will look at uploading an answer in the next few weeks.
Many thanks and many blessings, Piers
Absolutely my experience. Thanks
Thank you for sharing Michael...
I'd never send my boy away. These are horror stories.
Thank you for sharing Sam, yes there are lots of horror stories..
I went to an emotional growth boarding school... it was terrible
Hi @Halsey Is My Real Name, I am sorry to hear that your experience was terrible. I have never heard of an emotional growth boarding school. It seems totally contradictory - I would never have put emotional growth and boarding school in the same sentence. For me boarding school is not able to give emotional growth due to the fact, as Nick Duffell says, at BS they can care about you but never love you. May I ask what practices they put in place at your school to give you emotional growth? Many thanks, Piers
Piers Cross there is no emotional growth ... more like emotional suppression. The owner of our school literally hated children. It was a money racket for parents of a certain bracket of income. If you haven’t seen paris Hilton’s new documentary that was just released yesterday about her boarding school you should watch it.
@@Halseyismyrealname Hi Halsey, thank you for letting me know. I had seen the trailer although I haven't seen the documentary. I will have a look out for it. Sounds like your boarding school owner and the experience was not very positive. And sounds like from Paris Hilton's trailer it wasn't a very positive experience for her either. Take care, Piers
I call my husband monotone!!!!
Good morning Pink, thank you for sharing. I used to see myself as flat liner so I can resonate with your words.
My ex is the same, an emotional cripple with no empathy. Being on the receiving end of this behaviour pattern is painfully lonely - your own childhood wounds of abandonment rise - but without dual understanding there is little hope. My ex, 7 years younger than me, thought he was too old to change. I loved him warts and all but if I displayed happiness and joy I was punished. Relationships are a two-way street, feeding one while leaving yourself devoid in the vain hope that insight will occur is a recipe for more pain. Good video Piers but I was left angry that we [the partner] still were expected to make the sacrifices xxx
Ive done all my therapy and healing from. my childhood but my husband who went to boarding school, refuses to see he has an issue, but he is everything you say!!!!!
Hi Pinky, thank you for your message. This is very common that it is the partners who have done most of the work. Often by reading something like The Making of Them or Boarding School Syndrome helps them to awaken to the struggles that boarding life was for them. Take care and good luck, Piers
Ha i see the schizoid life isnt for everyone nor should it be imposed on a normal humain.... Reasons i dislike playing sims... Wierdly...
Hi FG, thank you very much for your comment. Yes, boarding school is definitely not for everyone. Many blessings, Piers
I don't think you've said anything that is directly related to boarding school, you get bullied and made to feel inferior whatever school you go to, it's called being a teenager. I don't think blaming an establishment for your own psychological defects helps anyone. I'm not saying that some boarding schools don't have much to answer for but essentially it's down to the individual. Maybe the answer is to scrap schools of any kind altogether!! And how long do I have to be patient with my boarding school survivor husband? twenty years any good? Sometimes you just have to give up.
Hi Caleb, Thank you for taking the time to leave your comment. It is always wonderful to hear feedback.
I can only describe my own experience and from working with therapists and teachers over the years.
I totally agree with you that school whether boarding or not is challenging. The main difference between the two that I found was that with day school I could leave at the end of the day. With boarding that was not an option so I had to find coping mechanisms to having no personal space or time.
For me that meant shutting down emotionally and learning to be passive aggressive.
Another thing I see is that boarders even if they have had a really tough time generally don't see that they have had a hard time. In their eyes they have been priviledged. But like you said both sides are challenging. When an ex-boarder allows himself to grieve it can heal many wounds. I had cried a couple of time in 15 years before I started the healing journey. After the floodgates opened I cried nearly every day for 2 years.
A couple of books I would recommend are Boarding School Survivors by Nick Duffell and Boarding School Syndrome by Joy Schaverien.
Blessings to you, Piers
Thanks for replying Piers, what you say makes sense I'm just struggling at the moment to keep patient!! Thankfully my husband has begun therapy recently so I'm feeling more hopeful but it's hard not to remember some of the issues we've had. BTW I'm Jane, Caleb is my son. I didn't realise You Tube thought I was him!! Peace to you.
Hi Jane, Thanks for your reply. I know from personal experience that we boarders are tough to be around sometimes - my wife struggles with me even after my 20 years of therapy, spending time as a Buddhist monk and other healing paradigms...
Much respect and honour is due to the partners of ex-boarders - thank you so much for your patience - we certainly couldn't do it alone.
I also have a video where I share my personal experience of boarding school, tears and all (which I didn't want to put up for 3 months ) which your husband might be interested to see - it is long but I believe emotionally rewarding. It is under boarding school syndrome.
Many blessings, Piers
I would have loved my boarding school had it not have been for a sadist school master ....After 40 odd years of complaints ,,,,,,the police are finally listening ..
sounds a bit cold. i could not imagine being sent away at 8 and then be expected to have the easiest time in a relationship. unless i am miss reading this