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Understanding The Wife's Code. Jeff Allen
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- Опубликовано: 25 фев 2019
- There are secrets to understanding the wife's code. To learn them all, watch "I Can Laugh About It Now" by Jeff Allen only at www.drybarcomedy.com/jeffa
Until married I did not know there is a vast difference in the direction the toilet paper rolls out. One is the correct and natural way, the other is how demons penetrate humanity to destroy all that is good. Every time I have to reload the toilet paper, I needed a minute to try to remember the right way to prevent a tragedy.
🤣😂🤣😂
One way is actually a lot easier to roll it to take sheets then the other way.
It’s over the top unless you have a cat or a two year old.
I laughed so hard because this is true 🤣🤣
I dated a guy that said not only does it have to be facing the right way, but had to fold the end piece into a triangle to make it “look good”. What’s next, gonna organize all my canned goods..?? Okay thanks MARTIN (please watch sleeping with the enemy 1991 if you don’t get this) 😂
The old man impression was spot on
Exactly like my grandpa used to be lol
definitely.
im gonna be an mumbling old man. i just know it.
Real🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣l funny!!!!! I've seen that!!!
@@blufiyah6996 dead 😂
"Are those you underwear"
"I sure hope so or I have a few questions of my own"!
My wife has asked the question lawd knows how many times. I'm using this next time she asks. Just letting everyone here know in case I go missing 💀💀💀
Died laughing.
@Dale Hemme +++ I feel so sorry for you and your negative outlook. You need dozens of hugs and a cup of spearing tea with honey.
@Dale Hemme ++ Thank you. Oh, that was spearmint tea. Doggone spell-check on this phone.
A woman once said to Winston Churchill, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison “
Winston replied, “Madam, if I were your husband, I’d take it”. 😂
🤣🤣
Ol' Winston. At a State dinner, there was a waitress who was very rude to him. To deal with it, he asked her in front of anyone if she'd sleep with him for 10,000 pounds. She looked around, smiled and said, 'yes!'. Then he asked her if she'd sleep with him for 10 pounds. Irritated, she replied, 'No, what kind of woman do you think I am?" He answered, "We've already established that madam. Now we're just dickering over the price." Priceless!
The Woman was Nancy Astor who became an MP in 1919-over the years their hostility became more and more pronounced
@@rmtl3140 It is priceless, even though Churchill has nothing to o with the witticism.
@@mja91352 Not sure about this particular quote, but Churchill was renowned for his incisive wit. After a few too many whiskeys, a woman told him “You sir are drunk” to which he replied “And you madam are ugly, but tomorrow I’ll be sober”. On the campaign trail, he asked a guy “Can I count on your vote in the election?”. Guy told him “I’d rather vote for the devil than vote for you!”. Churchill’s response “Well since the devil isn’t running in this election, can I count on your vote?”
Compromise is the key to a happy marriage. My wife will admit she's right if I am willing to admit I'm wrong
Hahaha brilliant
Jimmy Warburton been married 34 years. Moved into our current house, my wife wanted a 13 in tv in our bedroom(I wanted a 19 inch tv) we compromised and got a 13 inch tv. Life is great!
MGTOW learn it and live it!
Jimmy Warburton more like negotiating rather than compromise because with compromise sooner or later there will be resentment.
Well said!
What relief clean humor. Love this guy.
Then also watch Barry Hilton
Dirty underware
Check out Brian Regan
Had to close my laptop before the end coz my wife asked me what I was laughing at!
Wise man
I'm not so sure about that; show her, so she can see what you choose not to say to her in the same situation. I've found that it's where you can distinguish yourself from other men that creates value, and (hopefully) lead to a truly happy life. (Still working on this btw, so nothing is certain!)
At least you are lucky that you can use your laptop!
@@StreetSmartification what a sad comment 💔😂
You needed a cover story. Shoulda told her you were just looking at porn....
"What'd you say to me?"
"I DIDN'T SAY NOTHING TO YOU!!!!!!!!!"
Nothing more humorous than actual conversations and everyday life. Well done sir.
😅
No profanity just pure observational real life humor. On point my man !
Great routine Jeff! And proof that comedy doesn’t need to be vulgar or obscene to be hilarious 😆👍👍
Until I got married I didn't know the best getaway vacation is spending time alone on the toilet seat.
Omg i'm dying 🤣🤣🤣
Omg, so true
My office is my toilet 😃😃
Spot on.
The Uncle John's bathroom reader series of which there are a lot of volumes are priceless. Buy all of them. You'll laugh yourself off that seat but I also learned more from those books than I ever did in school
Jokes are half-truths, which is why great jokes are timeless. God bless all the real men out there who find the humor in the hard work of being a good husband 👍🏼
Caesar Santos
No hitting and no cheating are the only real rules.
Everything else is open to logical debate.
Anyone, on either side, who goes back is a fool.
Getting Physical on either account, even once = marriage death.
I accidently hit you, or accidently f'd your friend etc. No tolerance, no 'counseling' . DONE
Everything else is caveat for pussies who accept b.s. standards or try to rationalize insanity.
People who love each other don't strike each other.
And married folks can't date. DUH!
Doesnt make you a man for not standing up to it, or for yourself.
News flash, she doesn't respect you if you allow such. Early on I made sure my wife understood all this. Even HOW she chooses to speak to me. In rational terms or not at all. Worlds full of fools accepting b.s. every day.
You mean the pathetic losers who kiss their Wives asked daily just to get laid… God how sad
well said man!
When you say good husband, do you mean being stress constantly for doing nothing wrong, while you find humor and tell her it’s fine to do it?
By good husband you mean a slave who lies to themselves.
I solved that problem. I am 69 years old and I refuse to get a hearing aid.
I solved the problem too!
👏😎
👖🍆
MGTOW
I’m 49 and I will remember your advice, George. Thank you!
@@vondahe 😂😂😂😂😂
Dude!
MY dad does this to my mom! LMAO Oh he makes me laugh!!
My favorite is when my wife says we need to do something she actually means that I need to do something. And being the happy man that I am I go take care of it. Mumble,mumble.😂
Keep up the good work!
The old man arm waggle was my favorite part 😄
Until I got married I didn't know there was a right way to put the milk into the fridge.
lol!
What do you mean? How many ways are there to put the milk in?
Let me guess... Do not put the milk in the door. Put it in the back, where it's colder. Am I right?
azsteve48 🤣🤣🤣
@@richarddarlington1139 it should be put in the door actually! lol
Love the fact that you kept it clean and funny without using vulgarity. I've been married 46 years and still can't bridge the communication barrier any better than at first.
Cheers for the advice!
Sounds like hell before Hell !
YAY2020
Tr speaking clearly and truthfully. That works!
had an older man tell me
son NEVER go for the Win
go for the peace...
Older men like that have never dealt with these younger women. Peace would be 2 fingers up on the way out the door.
He's one of the Few Wisemen's Club!!☺️
It's sad/scary how accurate this is.
SmoothJK right. To the extent that it’s really not even funny.
Then maybe your not in sync.
I felt a little bad about the old man mumbling 8 feet behind his wife joke. But this is an interesting set
Comedy without cursing is quite refreshing .... I curse like a sailor.
I’m trying my best to tone it down... Its when I get together with old mate’s after the funeral is done. Mouth goes right back in time. Shocks me I once talked so frilling bad! Retired state corrections
This is good situation comedy. Reminds me of some of are old comedians, Remember Red S? Bob Hope?
You’d love Tim Hawkins then!!!
I do too and in 3 languages. Is too much, trying to cut it😩.
Mr. Allen,
I’ve not laughed that hard in years‼️😂 Thank you‼️‼️
My first wifespeak I learned was Are you hungry, which meant, I'm hungry let's stop to eat lol. Of course I said no and kept driving
Yeah of course.
You should have figured that out watching your parents 😂😂...Mine would make my dad pull 5 u-turns then say NOBODY IS EATING! FORGET IT I'M NOT HUNGRY NOW...That's why my brain is more Male...I refuse to turn out that way lol
@@moarroz yes the old classic demanding something and if it's not instantly met, the subsequent refusal to allow the demand to ever be met.
I Laser: That’s because women are adult children. The childish tantrums remain for life.
@@ilaser4064 yes! Everyone suffered not just my dad. Just be ready for her kraft mac n cheese replacement 😂 some BS
I love listening to this man’s jokes about his wife. Wish you and your wife more happiness, sir! :)
Had he married a Latina, he would never get a question 😂. My mother would have said “pick those up , i had two children not three” 😂
Smart mom
@@dans4270 ++ My German mother would have said the same thing.
Right, we Latin people (I am Italian, so 100% Latin) don't ask strange and stupid question, we just say "pick up all your sh*t around the house!"
@Pop Lyle Different culture. She pulls a crazy act and she gets a slap. It's give and take. The USA went kinda nuts 60 years ago and now feelings being hurt gets cops called.
@@jonanderson5137 which country?
“I hope you sit in the water. I don’t care.” 😂😂😂💀💀💀
😂😂dead😂😉
If Jeff Dunham's Walter was a real person...
Jeff Dunham is not even funny by accident.
Ha! You haven't been paying attention, the difference is this guy is happy! :)
@@lucaswhite12 for sure 😊 completely agree
Now thats funny af
Spot on observation.
This dude should get an award. Spot on.
"Your looking at the most powerful piece of cotton on planet earth" That got me. 😆
You know his wife has to hv a great sense of humor too... Even if she is up a wall frost bitten...lol Xoxo
It's true, Tammy is a real hoot!
@Demitri Solvinski i heard some of his other stand up about her... And it reminds me of stuff id to... Like drawing on back of his head... 😂😂😂 xoxo
Xoxoxoxo is not words
"Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?"
Sir, you have saved my marriage. You have no idea how often I now shut my mouth and repeat this over and over in my head like a mantra.
Seriously.
Dr. Phil has been saying that for about fifteen years.
Secret to happiness...😁
Update: I ended up getting a divorce.
@@vicholtreman1405 me too and since my divorce i have been on 2 cruises
so are you happy with your life now?
@@TheFockerizer Haha, I got divorced not too long after I wrote that comment. Go figure. 😛
The code changes every second......it's an old code, a new code and a code you don't even know yet. !
Oh my goodness I LOVE THIS GUY!! I'd never heard of him until just three days ago and I have been binge watching him non-stop since and I've laughed so much I may have thrown out my back LOL
It goes both ways. I can be dragging a bag of garbage out to the curb and he looks up from his paper and says, "Whatta ya doin'?" I say, "I'm taking the body of that burglar I killed out, it's starting to stink." He says, "Leave it, I'll get it when I'm finished reading."
Five days later, the rats are nibbling his toes, and he's still on page two.
😂
So very true
😂😂
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Sooooo true
And being able to laugh about the difficult aspects their relationship is a big reason why this man has been successfully married for 30 years and counting.
He's a good Christian and he loves his wife...I bet the wife is sitting out there somewhere laughing at his jokes. I saw this man for the first time on Gaither Homecoming some years ago.
"Successfully"
Its parenting..
Me: Clean your room
Child:goes grabs bicycle.
Me: where do you think your going
Child: Fine I will clean my room
A lot of man are crying how horrible married life is,ask a man who lost his wife what he thinks?
@@annadrazic9733 15 years ago i did ask my grandpa.he said it is very difficult for him.then i teach him how the washing machine works how microwave and dishwasher works.guess what ? he is 91 now and want an electrical bike
"Do you wanna be right or do you wanna be happy?"
No matter what race and religion you are. Married couple have same story
Rizwan Rafique universal truth
@Mr Man it's a joke, we shouldn't take the life lessons and advices from jokes too seriously.
@Rizwan Rafique so true..... unless wife says differently 😅😅
yeah ,divorce!😂
Off-topic but the kid in your profile is so adorable! God bless her.
😂 Man I couldn't stop laughing, I had to pause the video and walk out.
"... Columbo..." 😂😂😂
Taqveem Khalid I said that my wife once. Not a good thing to say.
Me too!😂
What a blessing to be able to hear funny comedy without cursing! I'll show this to my kids! 😂😂😂
When I need a good laugh, this guy is the help I need! Been married almost 10 years, and what a journey so far, but I wouldn't trade my hubby for nothin'!! No matter what, I just love him!! God didn't make a mistake when he brought him my way! Thank you Jeff Allen for keeping it real and funny!! You are an awesome comedian!!
Kind Sir, please accept salute from this humble married man.
No matter how many times I've seen this it's still funny. 😂😂
Jeff today is my parents anniversary. I can show them this video and I know they will laugh. I don't have to worry about curse words or graphic material. Thanks so much.
Did they laugh?
The mum probably did. But the dad is still miserable like he has been, keeping quiet about everything in the marriage for many years now.
Amen brother!!..I live to serve she who must be obeyed!!
I didn't know old men were so funny! No wonder kids start laughing when I pass by!
Six men to carry a man to his grave and one good woman to put him there.
Amen
Ouch.
@WildWonkyWizard if words could make wishes come true ..you'd have said differently. 3cheers from Canada
😳😄😄😄👍👍
The earlier, the better 😂😂😂
Ah wifespeak, the original enigma code. If the germans would have used this during WWII we would have never cracked it.
Keep in mind that it took a gay man to figure out the enigma code.
...and this is a comedy video, so let's not dwell on how we thanked him for his service.
Since it's real life and time + tragedy = comedy: Alan Turing killed himself via a cyanide-laced apple two years after the British government forced his chemical castration. 60 years later, his government apologized and over-turned his conviction of gross-indecency.
Das ist Richtig
Well that escalated quickly.
I never cheated on my wife because I have one woman always pissed off at me. Why would I want another?
@Jhon Ester Cringe
You got that right... who needs or wants the headache
I don’t mind women being pissed off at me. Just play with my balls
Smart man lol
Sir, with all due respect
If you want to be treated like a gentleman, be a gentleman...
"Practicing how to leave for golf" 😂🤣😂 this was so good
"Ima put these in the car baby, and Ima come back and mow our lawn" 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Edmister Enterprises LLC o o p
I was out of air by this point 🤣🤣
still giggling at that one... what a line...
I could listen to this dude all day. He's clean, he's funny, he speaks truth.
This guy is great! Frist time viewer of his material and best of all NO SWEARING!! Great job Jeff!!!!
1:24 he nailed the old mans walk 😂😂
Did you know that a dishwasher can be stacked wrongly ...ever time !
Thats so true, No matter how I try to copy her it's always wrong, I wash up by hand now, it's easier!
Dave Daniels I wish I could do 10,000 likes
@@NightmareonWWW i tried that but i am using to much water
as long as they are placed in a way all the dishes get clean, and they don't clank against eachother
Psshhh at least u load the dishwasher every now and then lol
I don't know if I should laugh, or I should cry. It's tough to be married!
David Vianello - yes, it sure builds character :) but it’s worth it. Also teaches us to be more easy going I think
What kind of wife, are you guys married too?!!
Just say no duh. It's a lesson.
Blein Selemon you must have a good wife I assumed?
@@emaambition9378 Haha No, I have a husband. I just never heard him complain about me like that. I am sure, if he felt that way about me, he would have divorced me.
Old school they dont make em like this anymorr
My lady called today and asked "where are you? " my reply " what do you want" ? She hung up on me!
Let me guess , you ate dinner alone
Navneet Kaushik on that couch aswell none the less
Wrong Answer.
“Just practicing leavin’ for golf”
😂😂😂
this guy has been married longer than ive been alive👏👏👏 and hes one of my favorite comedian
INCREDBLE! AND HERE'S WHY.....This man just provided us with 5:06 of the funniest material I have heard in a LONG time and think about it...not ONE "F-BOMB" dropped, not ONE "S-BOMB" dropped and the Lord's name wasn't taken in vane one time. See people, it CAN BE DONE!
Bunk Man dude is a Christian, that's why :)
I know that. However, one smack on the thumb with a hammer will set that Christianity aside for a few moments trust me....I am one.
Praise be! Praise be! Amen 🙏
Jeff , thank you.
Christian My wife and I have been married many years...and are still best friends that can knot seem to get enough of each other....we love to laugh and share....thank your sincere
Good! I was SO TIRED of hearing guys whine about how they hate being married and the other half whine how they never will. Meanwhile, you'll note, 90+% of people get married, and men...1st thing they do is get married AGAIN after a death. Immediately. She's not cold yet.
Women are like, i dunno. I'm happy now...lol
This man's jokes were cleaner then a Marine and Soldier's bed room lol XD
Yeah, but he was still pretty funny tho, don't-cha-think?
@@joequillun7790 no no no for sure sir that's what I meant =-)
Real dedication to the game, he practices leaving for golf, lol😂😂😂😂😂😂!😎
Hey that's what I do, but for work
Tryna win back all the arguments he's thrown away all these years 😂😂😂😁
"I'm going bowling Columbo!" Lol
Mister Jeff Allen you are my new favorite comedian. You not only make me laugh, but you do it in a way that I see other people's points of view a little bit better
Clean and funny as hey. Best I’ve seen in ages! 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
Marriage is like a three ring circus. The engagement ring, the wedding ring then the suffer ring. The two greatest words in the English language......
Yes dear.
Or I'm Sorry!!!
Bitterness is never funny .
@WildWonkyWizard well there is Machinery to do that for you now
Ugh. I hate all this. It sounds so pathetic. Could you please tell me that there's dignity in doing this? Im not married and don't have a girlfriend but it dirsbt really naje me want to when this is all i hear about. I don't plan to be constantly bossed around by my wife like everyone seems to be.. Is this really what everyone experiences? What am I missing?
Ethan, don't stress. The thing is, everyone's family "culture" (i.e. how we do things) differs, so when two people live together, the differences become apparent. Many (not all) men are not great with detail, or with being proactive. Many (not all) women express themselves in an indirect way, and wonder why their husbands don't pick up on subtle hints. As a result, most (all?) couples argue about how to do housework, whether it's how to cut vegetables the "correct" way, or hang clothes, or how often to vacuum, etc.
There is immense dignity in this, and it lies in finding balance; to change from "we'll do it may" to finding "our way" of doing whatever. Some things are more important to one person than the other, some things really matter to both. In the first instance, a compromise helps, in the second, either a negotiated solution, or an agreement to disagree, can assist. But having said all that, on a day-to-day basis, it can be hard.
Everyone goes through it, which is why it is such a great topic for humour. For a really good examination of this, Google "Mark Gungor", especially his show about men's brains and women's brains.
The book Love & Respect said all the truth couples should ever need to finally get peace: she requires love. He requires respect. Both are a must for it to work.
Dale Hemme that’s why Only one definition matters: God’s. Human defining and redefining love is futile.
What I've seen if the couples are either Baby Boomers or Generation X, because both generations have been infected with Feminism: The men love their wives, and want to show them lots of love, but their wives show them only indifference & contempt and not respect. This is the case for both couples in church and out of church. Why do these women want their husbands to live in such an environment? They should stop playing games with these good men and file for divorce already.
The good news is that I don't see this in the young couples who were raised by these dads who've had their lives beat out of them and these moms who say "I want it all now."
It's refreshing to see that clean humor still exists; and that there are men out there that aren't afraid to make light of real life stuff like this. Thank you, Sir.
I'm not sure I could go the whole round with this video. I had to pause it to catch my breath. During that time I had an epiphany...
Hole cow... I didn't know he married the same woman I did!
Bill Yost haha nice!
Sooo.... it was your underwear ?
Bill Yost:
Oh, hmmm...maybe those were your underwear on the floor.🤔
Bill Yost ... our wives _ALL_ graduate from the same "Wives University"... some just come out with Higher Distinctions than others...
King of Dry Bar Comedy.
One of my most favorite comics! He has relationships down cold. Spot on.
If a man goes into the woods and speaks.and his wife doesn't here him, would he still be wrong?
Paul met Debbie yes
Hear
MissMiia one time my husband dream cheated...
I’m still not over it
Yes
No
"just practicing leaving for golf" LOLOL 😂
What a classic! Need to inform couple of guy friends of mine how to master the "pre Golf escape"!!!
🤣🤣🤣 my other half just came in the room. She thought I was crying, I was 🤣
I haven’t heard of this dude ever and he had me dying! Gonna binge watch all of his stuff now. 😂
Do it while the getting is good, i have an eary feeling he wont be alive much longer.
The Hazardous Question: What are you thinking?
Never, NEVER answer that with anything other than, "Nothing."
Halarious...I'm picking up a cross between a Tim Allen and Walter the old man puppet from Jeff Dunham😎he nailed married life.. thanks for the laughs after work.keep it up.!!
Walter, the old man.
Men, every year you are married you lose one vertebra. After 33 years you no longer have a spine. 😁
🤣🤣
If you men are so unhappy then leave, knowone is forcing anyone to stay with there wife.
It takes 33 years ???? I seem to have taken the express lane ..
I lost one of mine in a car accident a few years ago. So I've got a head start before I get married.
Yeah, but they start to grow back when you insist on your own self respect.
“Yes dear” and “ your so right” works for me after 30 years.
Max Stone yes... and make sure you dont ever add the word "always" between "so" and "right"..... i learnt that the hard way 😅😅😅🤣🤣🤪
But u look 35?
Wayne Bryan 58
Wait what? Wassup with your avatar? Is that you?
Wayne Bryan Ha Ha. I do the LensCrafters headshots.
I laughed so much that my tears out of my eyes! I should watch this video 36 years ago when I married! 😂
This man is saving the new generation with his words of wisdom here! 😂😂
70 percent funny, 30 percent sad, and 100 percent true.
Seriously, this kinda stuff should be mandatory viewing for young people about to marry. 100% accurate and could save untold heartache in the early years when they’re still figuring out communication. Brilliant clean comedy, a rare thing these days, well done!
Pray for me: I have a Filipina wife so I have to deal with the code plus a language barrier! But Jeff Allen makes me laugh about it.
Scott Burton that’s what you get. Marry American.
Yeah but shes probably drop dead gorgeous.
Wayne Bryan hardly any of them are gorgeous 😏
when i got married my dad had one word of ad vice. always thank her for the meal made for you. you dont have to say it was good. but you DO have to thank her for fixing it for you.
That is good advice, and if it is good, tell her that too.
When I first started dating my wife I told her I'm not good at puzzles or riddles tell me what you want because if you make me guess I will get it wrong
I’ve tried that, too. It doesn’t work. They only remember what benefits them later in an argument.
Well I've been divorced before and she knew I didn't mind being single so maybe she took me seriously besides we dated 2 years before we got married so I had a time to see if it took
Wife to Husband: Honey just tell me the truth.
Husbands Brain: Don't you dare
And did you have this put on a branding iron and mark yourself with it? Because women don't remember ... things that they don't want to remember.
My husband told me to be direct and say what I want, otherwise he won't understand. I try.
"You wanna be right? or you wanna be happy?" this one got me bad cause its true! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My first time seeing him
I love it 😂😂😂😂😂😂
Sometimes I have to ask "Am I happy Buttercup?" Oh, you better believe you're happy! 🤣🤣
If you have NEVER been married, this guy should be MANDATORY viewing. Happy wife IS a happy life indeed.
Was married 38+ years. Thank you for the humorous memories. This qas great!
“He was 6’3”,now he is 4’1””😂😂😂
Now this guy is the funniest I've seen in years! Sent this to my son and son-in-law!
Oh my gosh the couple you just described is basically my grandparents hahaha. I have seen that exact situation with them walking down the street in Florida no less
“QUIT TALKING IN CODE AND TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT!!!!” 🤣LMAO 😂
This is a universal concept! Clean, funny comedy! 👍🏾
April 22, 2019----When some guys say they've been married X number of years, it sounds like they're doing prison time. And NO chance of parole.
Interesting y'all go right BACK to it the second she dies. Been asked 4x. Said NO. Once, she wasn't even cold yet. There's DEVOTED, eh??
It is not the same, in jail you are still allowed to masturbate.
I didn't know I was wrong until I got married.
Simple but effective, loved his set. Very funny man
I always enjoy comedy that's so true in life and not exaggerated in any way .