If your DA isn't in therapy and is not doing some deep self-reflection, there's no point trying to go any further in that relationship. Move on and find a partner that will actually reciprocate the energy that you give.
Mine is in therapy twice a week and it's been 3 months since we broke up. We talk, chat every day and see each other 1-2 a week and didn't realize that everything I was doing that Thais explained in other videos I was not suppose to be doing because I was trying to fix it...........I was the one that messed up "no cheating involved" but seeing her ups and downs is just frustrating and have apologized and she even sees changes but it's going at a snails pace...
Watching this captivating video stirs up painful memories of the recent end of my 4 year relationship. My beloved partner chose to depart, leaving me with an unyielding ache. Despite my relentless efforts to reconcile, I find myself grappling with frustration and an inability to envision a future without her. Despite attempts to purge her from my mind, I remain haunted by her absence, feeling compelled to express my longing here.
Its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 5 years ended, but i couldn't just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back.
Work from being an anxious avoidant attachment to a secure attachment. That's probably the best way to prepare ourselves if we happen to meet a Da or Fa. Aa just need assurance consistently. Once they feel secure, they don't randomly act out.
After two years I have reached my limit and I am respecting his decision. If he is willing to discard me, I am willing to be lost. I am moving on and doing what is best for me. I know that this is not my issue and that brings me peace.
I chased my avoidant for over two years. I'm done chasing her. If she wants to try to reconcile, and have a long lasting relationship, she knows how to reach me. If not, she lost out on a great guy. The common denominator is her, she's been disowned by her siblings and own daughter.
@@brennam954 That's what myself, and everyone else around me in my life, keeps saying. Her loss, and she's going to realize the dating pool isn't so great for someone in their mid 50's that's been married three times.
@@justintrades7851 I really have. I've been dating for the past two months. Oddly enough the last time this happened, it was four months of no cotact. She had the audacity to be pissed because I was dating, or in her words "Cheating" on her. WTF is going on in their heads? She hadn't spoken to me in four months but I was cheating because I was dating and moving on with my life?
@@PB-md3nt During this time away from her - hopefully it's permanent- you'll figure out why YOU were chasing a 3X divorced woman in her 50's with that much baggage.
To be fair, secures won't chase, either. You've made your decision, secures will respect it, they've probably already argued their points in the past and at the last minute is not the right time for it
Yupppp. I'm secure and I did just that. Mine told me a year ago that he didn't want to get back together and that I should date other people. So I accepted that and dated other people, found a man who truly wanted to be with me (no question about it) and moved on My avoidant ex and I were friends before we dated and we had made a pact that if it didn't work out we wouldn't let it affect our friendship. Well, after that conversation a year ago he ghosted. I reached out a couple of times with work questions (we work at the same company but have different schedules so never see each other) and he ignored them. Then after 6 months I sent him a personal text pointing out that it was the longest we'd gone without talking since we'd known each other and that I'd like to be friends again. No answer. Then 2 more work texts (one of which the company asked me to send) Then another 6 months passed (so it's been a year) and I was in his neighborhood and had reason to believe he might be depressed so I stopped by his house thinking it's been a year, I've moved on, it shouldn't be a big deal if I check on him... It was super weird and he had the audacity to say to me "everytime you reach out you're trying to restart our (romantic) relationship. I figured I'd give it another year before I got in touch" ...WTF? 😂 I had been in a committed relationship for 10 months by then! It was honestly so insulting and at that point I was just done. I told him that his ego must be HUGE if he thought that I'd been pining for him that long, he lashed out at me in an underhanded way, and I wished him the best and deleted him out of my phone lest I accidentally "hit on him" with another work text haha 🙄
well… I‘d say someone deliberately dismissively avoiding attachment IS highly likely to be secure in this either. both in motivation and in actuality, as staying clear of the mess, respectively.
Not true at all - was secure all my life, I was the textbook example of secure, never ever doubted myself seriously, always managed to achieve whatever I set my focus on, always was the „coolest“ and best looking guy by a lot (objectively, used to model, am looking a bit general hot male type), always the most and best educated, always the one with the highest salary, from the wealthiest family/one of the wealthiest, well known. Not only in my town but all towns where it’s worth being known around, blablabla. I am not telling to brag or put anyone below me - nothing could be further - I always used my popularity to include people that would normally have been the nerds or more outsiders due to whatever reason the majority thought was „different“, that’s why starting in 5th class in my class and later intake, there were no mobbing victims, cause if I’d ever see or hear that Smth is being excluded or systematically made fun of, I’d always befriend them and start talking good about them behind their backs. All were really good, worth, vakueable human beings, that if harmed I would have hated to see. So to conclude, my ex gf, loved her like never before and surely never will love anybody again, she is severely dismissed avoidant and she turned me super anxious, totally loosing myself, becoming only a shadow of who I used to be, only focusing on her and trying to adjust my behavior in a way that she would stay happy. Slow discard, once I woke up and realized whathappened, she got afraid I might dump her and she discarded me. Till today I only got as reasons why me, the one who showed her the true meaning of love first ever in her entire life, was discarded are that taking 8 min in the bathroom before bed is tooling and that I would take to long when leaving the house (checking my jacket, luggage that I have everything) or that I’d always kept her waiting - bullshit
Correct. ‘I haven’t moved on.. I never stopped loving you.’ Then pulled back, went on a date with someone else, and when I asked just to clarify - the updated answer was ‘yes I have moved on.’ .. No solution for you just wanted to help manage your expectations to not try to figure it out. Listen to the most recent answer/action- take it for what it is and allow the disappointment/loss and keep going forward. Trying to keep understanding will usually lead to going in circles (for you).
I had her come back, and for six weeks straight we didn't go a single week where she didn't breakup with me for two-three days. Enough was enough. She can be someone else's migraine now.
Yeah, I had this experience before I was aware of the dynamics ; I dated a DA & "fell in love " & eventually induced an FA quality in me. No hope for this one.
Funny, because when I first told my friend that he was DA, he seemed proud of it. Even as an FA, I do that same thing you talked about - self talk of why this isn't going to work anyway, along with flaw finding... then that eventually wears off and I start missing the person. That's when I look at where I went wrong and reflect on my part in the situation. Maybe this is why FA/DA connection works so well - we both give each other the time to reflect once we are in our feelings. I'm realizing it's an ego defense - I'm right and they're wrong, but then I eventually realize that I wasn't behaving very well myself and I have to face the music and humble myself. It's my favorite relationship, because it forces me to learn so much about myself and the areas I need to grow. I also see so much growth in him, because I'm able to express what's transpiring between us so that he understands it. Many thanks to PDS for helping us understand so much more at a deeper level. I don't think we would be together today if I didn't have this knowledge. ❤
Yeah for me I felt so SEEN when I learned about this DA thing! I'm NOT super unusual - there are other people going through this same thing! It's been a weird journey watching these videos though, because it starts with things like "DAs are fiercely independent and don't believe they can depend on anyone" and I went "Heck yeah!" But then it goes to "and here are 15 ways your relationships will all be screwed because of it" and I went "Aww damn, those things did happen"
I’m a FA who was dating a DA and we just couldn’t get past the power struggle stage and I don’t want to go years on a merry go round so I left again after he said we should just be friends.
@@csg45001 I totally get it. It's one of the most difficult relationships to work through, because it lasts as long as you're both not willing to work through it, and it takes getting vulnerable and humble on both sides, which isn't easy for either. My DA friend even to this day (27 years) frets when I say we need to talk, but he always seems so much happier when we're done, because we come to a deeper understanding. He fears our talks as if it's going to end up in a fight due to years and years of being in the power struggle stage. I told him that I think we are past the power struggle stage, which is why things are easier now.
@@aspegel5281 this is what I mean. It’s not ideal but the growth in just being more comfortable in who you are becomes measurable. Like if not for you I wouldn’t have realized this… And I’m better for it.
This varies between each individual, their partner and the relationship. As a woman who leans more secure now, but mostly leaned FA/DA, I don't chase. I've never felt comfortable in that role and I believe that if a man wants to make it work with you, he'll figure it out. I used to hold their hand thru the process if I still cared, but never chased. That being said, avoidant men have chased me. One still does, but it's mainly at two times. At the very beginning and at the very end when I'm pulling away. I'm not interested in someone dumping a ton of love and emotions onto me and then retreating into themselves out of fear and then coming back to do it again for the rest of my life until I die. Lol I can see now that it doesn't end. Even with men I dated over 20 years ago. They always come back. The problem is, I've evolved. I'm no longer interested in those who haven't nor am I going to prompt them to change to meet my needs. If someone wants to go, let them go. Build a great life for yourself to the point that you don't need anything or anyone disrupting your peace. Doing anything but this has long term effects on your health and I'm sorry but no one is worth all that. ✌️💯
Sunshine And Snowflakes........I am a single mom from San Francisco and I have. 23yr son ......I seem to attract most of the time avoidants and was wondering if you could please send me two quick tips to get my most recent relationship Aviodent we had our first fight in 8 months and really I was dropping off some food to him and he talking about was politics and then I ask him if we could stop talking about politics and he thru his arm and hands up in the air and turned around and walk away from me...I had never seen anyone get so upset I think he said whatever he 6'1 and walk away...has not call to apologize and I started no contact. It's been 31 days and still he has not contacted me do you think he ever will I was loving and kind and giving to him even my son got him things....cause it seem he didn't seem to be on the cheap side.... Or poor which I thought was kinda odd also...even thou he is quirky kinda of for his age we are babyboomers.......thank you ever so much......🌱🌻🌿 🌺 🍩☕ 🌁
@@blancaestrada396 every situation is different, but it depends on your connection and if he has an attachment to you. He might have felt like he was being shut down and not freely being allowed to share his thoughts. Honestly, it doesn't sound like he has anything to apologize for. He's allowed to get upset and you're allowed to not want to discuss politics. If it were me, I would extend an olive branch to test the waters. Even if it's through text. Nothing long or heavy. In situations like this, I don't think it matters who reaches out first. He might be waiting on you just as much as you're waiting on him.
"Build a great life for yourself to the point that you don't need anything or anyone disrupting your peace" I feel like this is the avoidant anthem. Most people who honestly feel this way wouldn't bother with relationships. People want relationships because something is missing, otherwise we wouldn't bother.
I took a very long time and SO much research to finally reveal that at the core of my ex FA partner's behaviors was that it was deeply driven by a fear of embarassment and shame and needing to protect themselves against that. Seeing from that lens suddenly made so much of what happened make sense.
I don't think anyone should be chasing because this implies that the other person is running away. You should certainly PURSUE someone you're interested in, but only if that interest is reciprocated. This typically comes from a scarcity mindset, thinking that you can't find someone who reciprocates your interest and truly wants you (which is false). I used to chase (at least for a while) in my late teens and early 20s, but when I stopped being attached to the outcome things started to become great for me. In the case of reconnecting with an ex, the same principles apply. I don't hold on to anyone too tightly because I know most people who enter my life are just passing through. This keeps my expectations in check and allows me to be indifferent to the outcome. In short, if it's a yes, great! If it's a no, big deal! 🤷🏿
Totally great and healthy perspective here and I agree- I think using the word PURSUE is an important distinction. I think that also means different things to different people. What would your version of ‘pursue’ vs chase be? Could you provide any specific example for reference? I think that’s really helpful information !
Yeah hasn't she said in other videos how DAs want things to just work effortlessly? So expecting them to chase seems odd to me. I mean some signals and expression of interest, sure, but if you don't get the same back - oh well that's a bummer. On with your life.
@@Kinteresting Pursue vs Chase can be easily illustrated in my example here: Let's say I met a girl at a coffee shop. I successfully got her number and text her 3-5 days later. I get an answer, we have a short conversation, and I ask her on a date. She says "yes" and we go on to have many dates afterward. This is what it means to pursue. Now, the same situation as above. I get her number and text her, but instead she doesn't answer at all. Over the next few weeks, I leave her voicemail after voicemail, text after text, and I never get her on the phone. In essence, I try and chase her down while she's making zero effort to meet me half way. This is what it means to chase. Hope that helps!
@@MilesIncognito most of these are questions from people in her Personal Development School from what I understand. However yes, people with extreme DA behavior won't chase. I'm SA with DA leaning traits so I understand the DA mindset. We're essentially risk assessment machines and I view chasing exactly the way I view it in my above comment.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved her so much i can’t stop thinking about her and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t. I don’t know why I’m saying this here, but i really miss her and i wish i could get her back.
I understand. It’s been three weeks since my avoidant walked away, dropped the bomb that he cheated, and then moved onto someone else right away. It all happened so fast that I’m in deep mourning. I miss him, but also he discarded me. He pined for me for years, we were together for two, and now he’s gone. This is so hard.
Same here. 5 years and he just ghosted me after several losses/deaths. He has me blocked on all platforms except 1 that showed him with another girl in less than 2 months. No closure, no answers. I cant eat, sleep. Its horrible. So i know what your going through.
I was you four years ago... It's complete agony now and there will never be another person like them. But as you grow and come to respect yourself, you're going to realize it's a good thing. Life is an experience and no a lot of people were lucky enough to risk love like you do. Keep pushing forward, embrace the uncertainty, feel your emotions, and love every part of yourself without making it someone else's responsibility. Stay safe
reads like ones somewhat exhausted of not getting what they wanted and chased, and now retro-projecting into void [a place where dismissal happened earlier].
My ex was a DA, and I oscillate between that and securely attached when I have taken that test over the years, I find it depends on who I’m with, but I start out secure and if my partner is extreme DA it starts to rub off on me, they also become more secure but it’s hard lol. Anyways the flaw finding thing is so true. When we got into our argument that led to our break up the next day she started saying we were “too different” and we should’ve just stayed friends sighting things like “I like cats, she likes dogs, she doesn’t like fish, I do, I don’t lie to drink she does.” These aren’t reasons people break up, but that’s what she told herself at the time to justify her frame of reference as to why we broke up when in reality it was her alcoholism, impulsive behavior, insecurity, verbal abuse and cussing me out in front of her family over something that didn’t warrant that at all. When we broke up she reached out and I told her to take that test and sure enough she was DA. I miss her sometimes but I realize if she doesn’t change it’s not going to work so I have been NC for about 7 months now because I knew if we started talking again she wouldn’t feel the need to change and she would try to slip back into my life(she tried to come visit me a week after the break up, I think to have make up sex)She blocked me a month ago on social media when she used to watch my stories religiously everyday , I think she is starting to realize I won’t chase her as it’s up to her to fix herself and come back and if she can’t do that I’m walking. A piece of me hopes she will reach out when she changes but that could be years down the road and I won’t care anymore.
It sounds like she is more AP than DA given all her attempts following the breakup. She may have gotten DA results from the quiz because of emphasizing traits she believed you are attracted to, downplaying her actual behavior, and using the quiz to ‘prove’ that you’re wrong about breaking up with her. The test shows that she did everything ‘right’, and isn’t the kind of person who even does do the things that upset you.
She’s the one going NC on you because she needs to. She may still be counting on you missing her attention, because NC is how some people try to get their exes back.
@@corvus..rainside I can see that. I think AP and DA kind of have similar traits and a person can be both in certain situations. I think in the relationship she was more DA but during the break up is AP. She told me I seemed like secure attached. She definitely was insecure and was almost looking for any evidence I was cheating or looking at other women even though I never did(she had been cheated on a few times in the past and was paranoid now)After the convo after our break up I never reached out this entire time, didn’t even feel the need to block her but she watched my stories for 7 months until I was blocked. With her blocking me I think she is trying to get my attention, but I also think she is trying to heal, which is what I want. I already told her I can’t see myself with her because of her behavior and i don’t see her changing those issues anytime soon. Her blocking me did make me miss her a bit more and made me realize is wasn’t entirely over her cuz I wasn’t speaking to her but I still got a little bit of validation from seeing her watching my stories lol. But regardless as I wasn’t the one who cussed her out, for in her face, slapped my cousin in the face, etc, I don’t see how nc will work on getting me back. I have enough self respect and did enough in the relationship to know I deserve better. No contact has worked cuz sure I miss her, but if we started talking again I’d tell her the same thing we can’t be together if you haven’t changed
What I learned from being with a DA for 34 years is although a good person she wasn't "all in" like 100% all in. They come and go like a tide. I have learned here that this behavior was ingrained long ago. A partner CANNOT BE ENOUGH to satisfy them because they are super silently critical of themselves. Eventually you will be the cause of her unhappiness even if she cannot share why. It's a lonely life. It's unfortunate they are the way they are. They just are emotionally unavailable. Accept that and save yourself allot of years in "limbo " only to have her walk away down the road. No disrespect to the DA! They are good people also. Just give them their head. Good luck.
@@corvus..rainside I feel that when sharing decades of experience with any attachment like say Dog breeds isn't beneficial because we all are a continuum. DA with a twist of Ap with a tad of Sa. The big Picture is what I feel is important.
Dont chase " run run has fast has you can" these types of peopleneed therapy but they will make you beleive you need Therapy and maybe meanwhie they will having an affair whith another sucker ...back off guys run 😳
Why are people chasing an ex that don't want the relationship ? What about your self respect, self esteem and dignity to accept the grown persons choice to move on. It's quite disrespectful to yourself to reduce yourself to chasing. Do your inner healing work and address your abandonment and rejection wounds. That person who left you behind could be giving you a gift of a lifetime. Take it, grow from it and silently thank them ❤
Has anyone experienced an avoidant that isn't affectionate at all and says he doesn't know how to be affectionate? I'm going through this, and it's painful. It feels like something is wrong with me
This is apparently common. Honestly if the relationship is fairly new and he won't be affectionate and has no interest in learning how to or following through on changes, I'd leave asap.
We look down on people who “need” affection since we do not. We know it’s not required for life because we ourselves don’t need it, so we don’t understand when another says it’s a “need”. I would leave, it is not worth dating someone like that unless you’re really into it. They will not change.
I'm so tired of being trapped in a marriage with a woman who I cannot talk to or touch, and I can do nothing to attract her because of how avoidant she is.
It's really hard to be in a situation like that. Sometimes it's like trying to get through a stone wall. Something I painfully learned is that you can't fix these people, they have to see their own patterns and want to change on their own accord. No amount of your effort or love will change them. I found adopting a nonviolent communication style a bit helpful in communicating with them, but no miracle pill. My best advice is to have a strong network of emotionally available people outside of your marriage (like friends and family to lean on), because you WILL have unmet emotional needs in a marriage with a person who's strongly DA. You're basically in a setup for emotional and sometimes sexual starvation. It wears the strongest person down over time.
We were in committed relationship for 3 years. He cheated on me and then discarded me. The most pathetic thing is that he introduced me to his side chick and this side chick has a thick face to pretend to be nice. He still act like a super nice guy and the side chick thought she won the lottery. Im counting my day where she wish she was dead. He will destroy her life. She was already very damaged before he met her.
Most of the people in comments sound like they are dealing with immature DA's. They themselves aren't secure, and they chase after. Secure people don't chase. They speak there mind and go on with their life. If it doesn't fit, it doesn't fit. A DA will see chasing and see it as weakness. No matter how much they care, they will lose respect for you, and you'll never get it back. Chase=weak= long drawn out painful ending.
Can you do a video, if you haven’t already, about dismissive avoidants and how they can sometimes justify lying? Also, do you think dismissives are more prone to cheat?
@@JohnDAlmonte she's done videos on this topic. I think they're more prone unless you've royally pissed off an AP enough they completely give up and go elsewhere.
What are you chasing someone if they don't want the relationship. Chasing pushes them further away. Have self respect and dignity not to go so low to chase somebody...
Hi, it is SO traumatic - I FINALLY got the hint after the guy blocked me, that he was NEVER gonna change!!! ESPECIALLY at 53 years old, and hadn't yet even gotten a divorce from his SECOND wife!!! I ALWAYS go after LOSERS. or the avoidance type, please Pray for me, I want a man that is EMOTIONALLY MATURE!!!
What's the likelihood that someone who doesn't have a strong personality need around connection and romantic relationships will become a good partner, though? Probably as likely as me, a person without any personality needs for ambition or career growth, becoming the next Elon Musk 😅
I went through the How to Repair Any Relationship with my DA partner and we set deadlines with agreements together. Very shortly afterward (the same week), he basically subconsciously did something that hit all three of my top core wounds I identified in the relationship....he became crushy/glimmer of limerance for someone. He says he can't explain why. He can't provide any reasons, feelings, needs or anything that he can explain would "cause" it. He also didn't even consider unpacking it and digging deeper until I brought up that I could sense it going on. He also then proceeded to not meet *any* of the agreements in the deadlines we set, even though one of them was simply to tell me if he's struggling with the agreements! I'm completely lost. I feel like I self abandoned because I can't leave. We've been together almost 9 years and own a house together. He's my kid's stepdad....I'm just completely exhausted and fed up.
Just give up on receiving love from them and remove your desire for it. Become buddies, treat him like a disabled friend you’re there for and love but don’t expect anything in return. Be a good roommate and buddy , and that’s it.
I feel so sorry for you (no irony intended) and respect that you tried to set healthy boundaries. Honestly, the only way to stay in this relationship would be for him to agree to work on himself, watch Thais or Heidi Priebe's videos and go to therapy. Otherwise you'll just suffer more and more and you deserve better, you owe it to yourself. Remember that no one should be treated the way DAs do, it is unacceptable by any means.
@@osef119 thank you. He does watch them both but isn't putting the deeper inner work into enough practice. He's started doing autosuggestion, so maybe that will help. I think it's connected to unmet needs for himself and perhaps the relationship that he isn't aware of or able to connect to. And I pay the price.
She has qualities that he doesn't that he wishes he had. You will need to dig into his core wounds to find out what they are. Thais always says to give it a time frame, and if you don't see improvement, you must move on. If you feel you can't leave, this is something you know you need to work on in the meantime... building up your support system outside of this relationship, and how to build security and happiness within yourself. Work on your self-worth. This limerance could be a way to create distance between you two as well, because of his fears. I had the same thing happen, and I ended up leaving, because he started behaving like a narcissist, and treated me very poorly. I could tell it was limerance because he would act like a completely different person around her, which is all part of it. He would pretend to be interested in certain topics I knew he hated. The limerance was about her being a very free person - a little too free (if you catch my drift), because he was very rigid. She was also very pretty, which was a core wound of his - not feeling attractive during childhood. Leaving him made him wake up a bit. He even tried to come back at one point, and I was still hurt over the situation to allow him back into my life, because he was extremely mean, and I didn't want to be treated poorly. I even gave him a try again, but I caught him in a lie very soon into the re-start, so I ended it again (FAs need trust). He moved on to another relationship with a beautiful, younger woman. That's when he realized beauty isn't everything. He told me he had to learn this lesson. She ended up leaving him, and we were briefly talking at that point. He was pretty sad, because he was engaged to her, so I gave him support and now we're back to being best friends again. Many years later, and with PDS work, things have improved quite a bit. However, I'm not going to lie, it has been a long and difficult road. PDS has made a huge impact on our friendship. It really helps to understand what's going on at the core and to communicate properly.
I personally haven't - but my best friend was in A TON of them - a lot of them were bisexuality, but some were NOT.. PLEASE do not blame yourself!!! My friend is now married. A Lot of these people are depressed, Or just so cut off from there feelings, that there is Nothing u can do is move on!!
This girl who works at my gym, I've been TRYING to get to know better by inviting her to workout with me and play games 🎮 (we share a lot of common interests like bodybuilding, she's becoming a PT, gaming, horror movies, etc.). Each time I stepped up and invited her to join me for an activity, she agreed BUT has yet to actually follow through on a plan. Then she ghosted/avoided me online and in person (wouldn't even look at me) 😳 for about 3 weeks, then went to Japan. She just returned last week and when I saw her Sunday in the gym she actually came over to me, was very friendly and discussed her vacation with me. 🤔 We had some flirty banter like we did over a month ago (before she ghosted me) and she 🎥 filmed part of my workout. I mentioned how we were making plans to start training together, then she said how she still doesn't know when she will be available to workout. . . She also said "I'm VERY shy. My dad tells me I need to work on putting myself out there more." I said "That's why I put it out there. If you choose to follow me, that's up to you. I'm not going to bug you. So when you are ready for us to workout together, you know how to reach me, right?" She said "Yes I do. I really appreciate you. You are the BEST gym influencer!" I'm not actually a "gym influencer", I interpreted that as a flirty compliment from her (she was giving me A LOT of those before ghosting me). So, I'm thinking she could be an "avoidant style" because she agreed to each of my activity invitations (I didn't call them "dates", maybe she thought they were) BUT has been very resistant to following through on them. Some advice I've gotten (over the past month) has been to gently try to stay in her life and she will warm up to me after more trust has been built. Other advice has been to drop her and move on, as she isn't putting forth equal effort as I am. We aren't even close to being in a relationship, just I see a lot of potential for us together. I've been trying to get to know her more to see where it could take us. It's difficult to get to know her just with 1-2 hrs a week (while she is working at the gym on weekends) and she is resisting following through our plans she agreed on because she is "shy"? What should I do to help progress this along? 🤔
Do not go after someone for "potential". She has already shown you who she is. She ghosted you. Never acknowledged it or apologized. That's what they do. Please don't ignore that huge red flag.
@@reneehaynes8289 I was talking to her just tonight about an hour ago for over 10 minutes straight. She was catching me up on her work promotion, PT progress, etc. and was basically the OPPOSITE of how she acted when she ghosted/avoided me for that 3 week period. I hear what you are saying about the red flag. The reason I'm commenting on this video is because I'm curious IF she has this hot/cold behavior towards me because (A) she likes me but is scared/has avoidant attachment style (needs more trust to be built before doing more than chatting with me), or (B) she is just friendly but has ZERO attraction towards me (I doubt this, with the many physical compliments she has given me) and felt uncomfortable when I was bold enough to invite her into my life (there is a large age difference, I think she's 18-20 and she knows I'm in my 30s), or (C) she has just been playing games with me to be toxic/malicious?🤔 I'm a bodybuilder looking for a girl to do this lifestyle with me +build a great relationship together. When I learned she is into bodybuilding, becoming a PT at my gym, AND is hardcore into gaming (I'm a professional gamer) + I sensed a mutual attraction (now I'm confused about) = I became very interested. Then I invited her to workout and stuff = then the hot/cold ghosting stuff happened and now she is back to warm again. . . 🤔 So your opinion is still I should NOT be persistent/patient with her, but drop her and move on after the ghosting behavior that she only slightly acknowledged as "I'm very shy"?
@@reneehaynes8289 @reneehaynes8289 I was talking to her just tonight about an hour ago for over 10 minutes straight. She was catching me up on her work promotion, PT progress, etc. and was basically the OPPOSITE of how she acted when she ghosted/avoided me for that 3 week period. I hear what you are saying about the red flag. The reason I'm commenting on this video is because I'm curious IF she has this hot/cold behavior towards me because (A) she likes me but is scared/has avoidant attachment style (needs more trust to be built before doing more than chatting with me), or (B) she is just friendly but has ZERO attraction towards me (I doubt this, with the many physical compliments she has given me) and felt uncomfortable when I was bold enough to invite her into my life (there is a large age difference, I think she's 18-20 and she knows I'm in my 30s), or (C) she has just been playing games with me to be toxic/malicious?🤔 I'm a bodybuilder looking for a girl to do this lifestyle with me +build a great relationship together. When I learned she is into bodybuilding, becoming a PT at my gym, AND is hardcore into gaming (I'm a professional gamer) + I sensed a mutual attraction (now I'm confused about) = I became very interested. Then I invited her to workout and stuff = then the hot/cold ghosting stuff happened and now she is back to warm again. . . 🤔 So your opinion is still I should NOT be persistent/patient with her, but drop her and move on after the ghosting behavior that she only slightly acknowledged as "I'm very shy"?
@@reneehaynes8289 @reneehaynes8289 I was talking to her just tonight about an hour ago for over 10 minutes straight. She was catching me up on her work promotion, PT progress, etc. and was basically the OPPOSITE of how she acted when she ghosted/avoided me for that 3 week period. I hear what you are saying about the red flag. The reason I'm commenting on this video is because I'm curious IF she has this hot/cold behavior towards me because (A) she likes me but is scared/has avoidant attachment style (needs more trust to be built before doing more than chatting with me), or (B) she is just friendly but has ZERO attraction towards me (I doubt this, with the many physical compliments she has given me) and felt uncomfortable when I was bold enough to invite her into my life (there is a large age difference, I think she's 18-20 and she knows I'm in my 30s), or (C) she has just been playing games with me to be toxic/malicious?🤔 I'm a bodybuilder looking for a girl to do this lifestyle with me +build a great relationship together. When I learned she is into bodybuilding, becoming a PT at my gym, AND is hardcore into gaming (I'm a professional gamer) + I sensed a mutual attraction (now I'm confused about) = I became very interested. Then I invited her to workout and stuff = then the hot/cold ghosting stuff happened and now she is back to warm again. . . 🤔 So your opinion is still I should NOT be persistent/patient with her, but drop her and move on after the ghosting behavior that she only slightly acknowledged as "I'm very shy"?
@@reneehaynes8289 I was talking to her just tonight about an hour ago for over 10 minutes straight. She was catching me up on her work promotion, PT progress, etc. and was basically the OPPOSITE of how she acted when she ghosted/avoided me for that 3 week period. I hear what you are saying about the red flag. The reason I'm commenting on this video is because I'm curious IF she has this hot/cold behavior towards me because (A) she likes me but is scared/has avoidant attachment style (needs more trust to be built before doing more than chatting with me), or (B) she is just friendly but has ZERO attraction towards me (I doubt this, with the many physical compliments she has given me) and felt uncomfortable when I was bold enough to invite her into my life (there is a large age difference, I think she's 18-20 and she knows I'm in my 30s), or (C) she has just been playing games with me to be toxic/malicious?🤔 I'm a bodybuilder looking for a girl to do this lifestyle with me +build a great relationship together. When I learned she is into bodybuilding, becoming a PT at my gym, AND is hardcore into gaming (I'm a professional gamer) + I sensed a mutual attraction (now I'm confused about) = I became very interested. Then I invited her to workout and stuff = then the hot/cold ghosting stuff happened and now she is back to warm again. . . 🤔 So your opinion is still I should NOT be persistent/patient with her, but drop her and move on after the ghosting behavior that she only slightly acknowledged as "I'm very shy"? Thanks for responding 🙂
Good video and good comments for the most part. I have a lot of trouble listening to the voice of this woman whose voice is like sandpaper over gravel!
When my DA ex broke up with me, one of the reasons he gave was that I don't speak his mother tongue. We were together two years, and well, what can I say, he knew that all along.
I feel the content is redundant regarding avoidants at this point very similar titles or same information on this channel is there anything else about attachments, relationships or psychology to learn?
Glad someone said it. In this video -and others- it's also unclear if it even answers what it's supposed to based on the title. One thing that clicked for me was that all this attachment content is ofc going to be aimed at the anxious and what they can do or say, blah blah bc avoidants are off living in their avoidance, thus less likely to come looking for any of this.
Tried to chase an DA 2 months after the break up, but got anything in return, not even the "seen"🤡. Now I understand she doesnt want anything to do with me.😅 For more context, she told me she couldn't meet my needs (I wanted her to open more to me, and every time I told her, she pulled more away, telling me excuses about why this wasnt working out, and in a defensive way, making me feel the needy one). Then she broke up, and I couldnt contact her from there even if I tried. I didnt expect it, that she would be cappable of that but I guess life goes on...
There is really not any info about avoidants deciding to marry or move in together. I gave an internal deadline for living together. July 1. We started doing week on week off as a slow progression. We did it for 1 month. By July, He freaked out and said he just doesn’t think he can do it. I said it’s ok. I understand this is confusing because it’s serious (I think because I had previously said don’t let me move in if you know we will never be married). I said it doesn’t mean we are getting married right now. Just be open to discussion. He cried before I packed my stuff and went back to my own house. He knows about attachment. I asked if I could send a video. I sent one about avoidant attachment. I don’t know if he watched it. We haven’t spoke since I left. My phone is in his name. I told him when he’s ready to transfer it, to let me know. It’s been a month. I don’t know if I should be patient, ask for my plan and be done with this, or just wait on him to put the nail in the coffin by sending me the phone plan info. Can you do a video about marriage and living together and what they go through and if it’s time to call it quits? I’m fine being patient because I KNOW this is a huge commitment. I just would like to know how avoidants choose to take that deeper commitment for lifetime.
Set some boundaries for yourself. It is not fair for him to hold you in limbo like this. He doesn't sound mature enough for an adult relationship, and the longer you let him keep you in limbo, the more you are enabling his behavior. He hasn't even fully felt the loss of you, so don't expect him to change or reflect.
My avoidant ex was so traumatized during COVID that he subconsciously was projecting onto me. He said I was the perfect girl and he had a HEAVY limerence, he said he wanted to start a family even. He was so excited, he wrote me a song. He introduced me to his friends. 3 months and I was packing my stuff to live with him. We lived for 3 years almost. I had really difficult health problems, I was in benzos the first year. When I stopped them I had the worst abstinence in my life & he just wasn't there for me. He began working 24/7 didn't treat me right, stone walling me. He began hurting my feelings, insulting me that while I was battling MS & I DIDNT STOP FOR A SECOND AND WORKED THE WHOLE TIME, he said I was lazy, miserable, weak, hypochondriac who is making pathetic tries to win him back. I had mental health issues during the second year, I also got fired from 2 jobs while abstinating, I got endometriosis & got an operation. He couldn't stop blaming me for not being the person who I was in the beginning. I caved, became so small, had 0 self respect & was blaming myself. I lost myself and became a shell of my identity before him. He slowly started depriving me from intimacy & sexual life. He got me in a trauma bond and I was chasing so bad. At one point in the second year I wanted to leave but he said "he wanted future with me" & then NO ACTIONS towards it. During the 3rd year we decided that we were going to make home renovations & he abruptly said he wanted to separate. He said we were on a break and wanted to do couples therapy. We went one time before he got on my nerves so bad to the point I was always hysterical and yelling. There wasn't any need of mine that he met. The break up was so messy we got to a point where he told me he wanted family in the beginning but then he saw I wasn't ambitious enough like his mother & I wouldn't be a good parent. He said I'm also pretending to be sicker than I was. He waited to drop off my things at my parents to tell me it wasn't a break we were actually breaking up "in order for him to reinvent me & the relationship". After that he acted friendly like he didn't break my whole life into pieces. It was a pus pull dynamic until my birthday in January after that I got into no contact. During this time we both found rebounds. I saw him recently - the ego was dimmed down BUT it wasn't enough for me. He said he was sorry but I sensed it was just because he has validation from the other girl. It was too much for me cause apology means changed behaviour! I yelled once again poured my truth, offended him once more cause he really hurt my pride with all his behaviour! Now he's blocked and Im on my spiritual awakening! The end. 😂 I'm glad I can share with you the biggest trauma of my life! Thank you for reading it. In conclusion I can say - avoidants aren't bad people, but they need therapy so bad, that it's better to find someone new. It's one thing " both of you to have separate lives" and it's another when they start pulling away at the slightest inconvenience. I started studying psychology after this relationship! I've read TONS of content on the attachments & every single person who's been with an avoidant has severe trauma. I wish you hope & luck, being with an avoidant isn't for the weak! ❤ You have to put yourself first in order to not get hurt by them!
My DA calls me & his dog his family. Yet he has no interest in living together or getting married. He also has difficulty with physical affection, however, he does make an effort. He has chased me when I sabotaged the relationship & asked him to leave me alone. We quickly return to normal. I moved 2 hours away & don't expect him to visit me. Moving away & not visiting him will be the end for us which is what I want now. I want to love & be loved with abandon.
Something positive: When you're finally over these people you move on from the BS faster than a "normal" relationship. It's like you escaped the Twilight Zone.
@@Nosoytunovia_ Because the avoidant attachment style is a complete cluster#@&. There is a base separation anxiety but because the avoidant is frankly so abnormal there's a bit of relief to get away for us too.
They discarded me and then crumbed me after. I’m not going to fall for it again. Why do they crumb when they know full well they were the ones that decided to end the connection unilaterally?
Speaking as an avoidant-leaning FA myself, I definitely think it applies to FAs who lean more avoidant... especially the parts about the fear of vulnerability, the ambivalence, and the lack of modeling around what a relationship even should or could be.
5:04 lol wow, how do you know me😅 i was thinking since the beginning of the video, there would have to be an extremely good reason (that doesn’t include emotions) for me to “chase” someone. Chase to me means they don’t want to be with me and I am trying to force them, like a psychopath.
Not chasing an avoidant. Don’t do cowards. Life’s too short for playing childish games. Gotta learn to grow up by accepting rejection, no matter how much it hurts but builds better character of oneself. ‘Cause if you don’t, then that avoidant won’t survive in life in the future.
@@-taylor-9980 no way im doing that if u want a one way relationship go for it. Unless theres some work on healing on her part im out doesnt matter how much i love her
@@Tryyy123 you might just not be the right fit for her. I date avoidants because I understand them and we share similar traits like the need for space. If it's not for you, you can absolutely exit the relationship. No one is making you stay.
7:22 This is the first time I heard somebody else touch the subject of grasping the concept of a relationship. A few months ago, a friend of mine asked me how is it possible that I don't have a girlfriend. When I told her that I never understood the concept of a relationship, she completely dismissed it as, according to her, it's something so innate and natural that it's impossible not to understand. This made me think - is there anything I can do to internalize this concept?
I avoid avoidant attachment people. I feel for them but why go through that? Must be machocistic people who choose! Im anxiouse and have for the first time ever met an avoidant and it messed me up real time.
What is an avoidant anyway? According to Google I'm an avoidant and the girl I'm seeing off and on is an avoidant as well. It's a tricky situation I'm in but it's not horrible. When she comes around, she'll come around. In the meantime I can better myself. I'm not a victim, I'm a volunteer.
I'd go see a therapist. One of you will likely end up hurt by the end of it, and since you are both avoidants, neither of you will know how to fix it. Also if you can google your attachment style, you can google what it means too and I would recommend that, but basically it means you avoid deep relationships by withdrawing from the relationship when things get too real. Withdrawal can simply mean keeping your distance for awhile, but it can also mean lying, cheating, and self sabotaging the relationship to avoid deeper intimacy. Also, being "too busy" for a relationship and leaving anyone who even slightly threatens your independence (which is unrealistic because all serious relationships requires some sacrifice). People with avoidant attachment also don't like it when people rely on them and don't want to rely on other people, or at least they tell themselves they don't want to rely on others and are totally self-sufficient.
@@MadisonEstes I'm not sure it needs to be fixed. I'm not looking for a relationship but if something happens I'm open to it. I have hurt and been hurt. Pain is the touchstone to progress. I do have several symptoms you describe. I'm not defending those. Since my last relationship I've become quite content being single. I don't see many relationships out there that appeal to me. I do however see men searching for that soulmate that will make their life complete. I was once that guy but I've realized my Creator made me complete and putting that burden (to complete me) on a woman is quite selfish and childish. If things work out with this lady, great. But if not, there will be another.
well… of course, an avoidant isn’t chasing whatever implying attachment to stay clear of, and dismiss. who‘d have thought !? mitigating cognitive dissonance !?!
Question- could you do a video on when an avoidant male who had mommy issues is attracted to women 20+ years older. Can this work long term? Pros & cons.
I am the one who finished every and all my relationships. And this is not normal. Even my 1st marriage. Just walked away one day for no particular reason. Remenber my 1st wife crying and asking "what did I do"? Somehow I just felt it was time to leave. BTW, I never chased any woman and never ever fighted for any woman. My present wife complains that after 28 years married she still has the feeling that I have one foot in the boat and the other outside.😮
I actually never imagined that its could be associated attachment styke. To be honest I didnt know this term until a few weeks ago. When I was 2 years old my mother gave me to the care of my grandmother. 😔 It was due to financial problens. May be it can have afected a lot deeper than I can realise. My grandmother said I cried for weeks. Than I stopped never to cry again.
Aren’t DAs so lucky of feeling NOTHING. I’m hurting after breaking up with him because he’s constantly stonewalling or giving me the silent treatment and refusing to discuss ANY emotions
I had a 3 month relationship with someone who I adored and she reciprocated (love bombed?) but at 10 weeks after continually pressurising me to organise trips (which I had done short term) when I actually tried to set a date for my birthday which would be 4 months away , she did a complete U turn, stating it was pressure, we were only dating (I'd met family, friends, did everything together, that's not 'just' dating surely?), so I called her out as I didn't understand this change of heart so suddenly? and then it was downhill after that, even berating me as needy, over texting, critisizing me etc all to as it seemed to justify why she had backed off? she wouldn't let me see her , saying the break would do us good (she was off on holiday)I was totally blindsided so I dumped her but I regret it so much! That was 6 week ago and I have heard nothing and don't expect to either but it hurts like hell. was she an avoidant or just not not into me?
Not all avoidants are dismissive avoidants?! Some of us detach in a healthy way without dragging and dismissing the feelings of others, we just recognize our flaws and wounds and we are open about it. An avoidant that recognizes how and why they are avoidant and being clear and open about it. It works with secure and other self aware avoidants that are able to sit in that uncomfortable space of improvement but not being there yet, if that makes sense. I just avoid something I am not yet comfortable with, I need a slow pace and communicate that. So ya we ain't all just selfish unaware dicks...
Avoidants can only be loved the way they were loved by their parents, cold and without emotions. We're all looking to be loved the way we were loved by our parents if you think of it, that's the only way we know love, we cannot recognise any other type of love.
If your DA isn't in therapy and is not doing some deep self-reflection, there's no point trying to go any further in that relationship. Move on and find a partner that will actually reciprocate the energy that you give.
💯
Facts, I waited 2 decades to finally say enough of being neglected to be done with no work from the other person.
Mine is in therapy twice a week and it's been 3 months since we broke up. We talk, chat every day and see each other 1-2 a week and didn't realize that everything I was doing that Thais explained in other videos I was not suppose to be doing because I was trying to fix it...........I was the one that messed up "no cheating involved" but seeing her ups and downs is just frustrating and have apologized and she even sees changes but it's going at a snails pace...
This ❤🙌
FACTS! ITS NOT WORTH THE HEARTACHE
Watching this captivating video stirs up painful memories of the recent end of my 4 year relationship. My beloved partner chose to depart, leaving me with an unyielding ache. Despite my relentless efforts to reconcile, I find myself grappling with frustration and an inability to envision a future without her. Despite attempts to purge her from my mind, I remain haunted by her absence, feeling compelled to express my longing here.
Its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 5 years ended, but i couldn't just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back.
Intriguing! I'm curious, how did you find a spiritual counselor, and what's the most effective way for me to reach her?
Suzanne Ann walters is her name.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
Work from being an anxious avoidant attachment to a secure attachment. That's probably the best way to prepare ourselves if we happen to meet a Da or Fa. Aa just need assurance consistently. Once they feel secure, they don't randomly act out.
After two years I have reached my limit and I am respecting his decision. If he is willing to discard me, I am willing to be lost. I am moving on and doing what is best for me. I know that this is not my issue and that brings me peace.
I am avoiding the avoidant.
I chased my avoidant for over two years. I'm done chasing her. If she wants to try to reconcile, and have a long lasting relationship, she knows how to reach me. If not, she lost out on a great guy. The common denominator is her, she's been disowned by her siblings and own daughter.
If all of the things you mentioned don't force someone to hit rock bottom, nothing will. You deserve better.
@@brennam954 That's what myself, and everyone else around me in my life, keeps saying. Her loss, and she's going to realize the dating pool isn't so great for someone in their mid 50's that's been married three times.
@@PB-md3nt hapene to me to man just move on not worth headaches and money
@@justintrades7851 I really have. I've been dating for the past two months. Oddly enough the last time this happened, it was four months of no cotact. She had the audacity to be pissed because I was dating, or in her words "Cheating" on her. WTF is going on in their heads? She hadn't spoken to me in four months but I was cheating because I was dating and moving on with my life?
@@PB-md3nt During this time away from her - hopefully it's permanent- you'll figure out why YOU were chasing a 3X divorced woman in her 50's with that much baggage.
To be fair, secures won't chase, either. You've made your decision, secures will respect it, they've probably already argued their points in the past and at the last minute is not the right time for it
Yupppp. I'm secure and I did just that. Mine told me a year ago that he didn't want to get back together and that I should date other people. So I accepted that and dated other people, found a man who truly wanted to be with me (no question about it) and moved on
My avoidant ex and I were friends before we dated and we had made a pact that if it didn't work out we wouldn't let it affect our friendship. Well, after that conversation a year ago he ghosted. I reached out a couple of times with work questions (we work at the same company but have different schedules so never see each other) and he ignored them. Then after 6 months I sent him a personal text pointing out that it was the longest we'd gone without talking since we'd known each other and that I'd like to be friends again. No answer. Then 2 more work texts (one of which the company asked me to send)
Then another 6 months passed (so it's been a year) and I was in his neighborhood and had reason to believe he might be depressed so I stopped by his house thinking it's been a year, I've moved on, it shouldn't be a big deal if I check on him...
It was super weird and he had the audacity to say to me "everytime you reach out you're trying to restart our (romantic) relationship. I figured I'd give it another year before I got in touch" ...WTF? 😂 I had been in a committed relationship for 10 months by then!
It was honestly so insulting and at that point I was just done. I told him that his ego must be HUGE if he thought that I'd been pining for him that long, he lashed out at me in an underhanded way, and I wished him the best and deleted him out of my phone lest I accidentally "hit on him" with another work text haha 🙄
well… I‘d say someone deliberately dismissively avoiding attachment IS highly likely to be secure in this either. both in motivation and in actuality, as staying clear of the mess, respectively.
Not true at all - was secure all my life, I was the textbook example of secure, never ever doubted myself seriously, always managed to achieve whatever I set my focus on, always was the „coolest“ and best looking guy by a lot (objectively, used to model, am looking a bit general hot male type), always the most and best educated, always the one with the highest salary, from the wealthiest family/one of the wealthiest, well known. Not only in my town but all towns where it’s worth being known around, blablabla.
I am not telling to brag or put anyone below me - nothing could be further - I always used my popularity to include people that would normally have been the nerds or more outsiders due to whatever reason the majority thought was „different“, that’s why starting in 5th class in my class and later intake, there were no mobbing victims, cause if I’d ever see or hear that Smth is being excluded or systematically made fun of, I’d always befriend them and start talking good about them behind their backs. All were really good, worth, vakueable human beings, that if harmed I would have hated to see.
So to conclude, my ex gf, loved her like never before and surely never will love anybody again, she is severely dismissed avoidant and she turned me super anxious, totally loosing myself, becoming only a shadow of who I used to be, only focusing on her and trying to adjust my behavior in a way that she would stay happy. Slow discard, once I woke up and realized whathappened, she got afraid I might dump her and she discarded me. Till today I only got as reasons why me, the one who showed her the true meaning of love first ever in her entire life, was discarded are that taking 8 min in the bathroom before bed is tooling and that I would take to long when leaving the house (checking my jacket, luggage that I have everything) or that I’d always kept her waiting - bullshit
Any one else had this happen when they call you and tell you they aren’t over you but the next day they disappear.
Correct. ‘I haven’t moved on.. I never stopped loving you.’ Then pulled back, went on a date with someone else, and when I asked just to clarify - the updated answer was ‘yes I have moved on.’ .. No solution for you just wanted to help manage your expectations to not try to figure it out. Listen to the most recent answer/action- take it for what it is and allow the disappointment/loss and keep going forward. Trying to keep understanding will usually lead to going in circles (for you).
That sounds like a player or a narcissist & not an insecure attachment style.
@@triplejmom7826
The difference between the two can be a pretty narrow line sometimes..
I had her come back, and for six weeks straight we didn't go a single week where she didn't breakup with me for two-three days. Enough was enough. She can be someone else's migraine now.
I think it's because they were being way too vulnerable in admitting that
I wouldn't chase my avoidant because I knew it would be futile. Two avoidants in a relationship is a tricky concept.
That's what I'm dealing with.. 😂 I'm an Avoidant insecurely attached to another Avoidant.. 😂
@@karinterpolator / good luck with that ! So what's the payoff ?
Dealing with any avoidant is a tricky concept 🙃 You guys should stick together
Yeah, I had this experience before I was aware of the dynamics ; I dated a DA & "fell in love " & eventually induced an FA quality in me. No hope for this one.
@thecosmictrigger527 Yes, at least you know where each other is coming from. 😮
Funny, because when I first told my friend that he was DA, he seemed proud of it. Even as an FA, I do that same thing you talked about - self talk of why this isn't going to work anyway, along with flaw finding... then that eventually wears off and I start missing the person. That's when I look at where I went wrong and reflect on my part in the situation. Maybe this is why FA/DA connection works so well - we both give each other the time to reflect once we are in our feelings. I'm realizing it's an ego defense - I'm right and they're wrong, but then I eventually realize that I wasn't behaving very well myself and I have to face the music and humble myself. It's my favorite relationship, because it forces me to learn so much about myself and the areas I need to grow. I also see so much growth in him, because I'm able to express what's transpiring between us so that he understands it. Many thanks to PDS for helping us understand so much more at a deeper level. I don't think we would be together today if I didn't have this knowledge. ❤
Yeah for me I felt so SEEN when I learned about this DA thing! I'm NOT super unusual - there are other people going through this same thing!
It's been a weird journey watching these videos though, because it starts with things like
"DAs are fiercely independent and don't believe they can depend on anyone" and I went "Heck yeah!"
But then it goes to "and here are 15 ways your relationships will all be screwed because of it" and I went "Aww damn, those things did happen"
I’m a FA who was dating a DA and we just couldn’t get past the power struggle stage and I don’t want to go years on a merry go round so I left again after he said we should just be friends.
@@csg45001 I totally get it. It's one of the most difficult relationships to work through, because it lasts as long as you're both not willing to work through it, and it takes getting vulnerable and humble on both sides, which isn't easy for either. My DA friend even to this day (27 years) frets when I say we need to talk, but he always seems so much happier when we're done, because we come to a deeper understanding. He fears our talks as if it's going to end up in a fight due to years and years of being in the power struggle stage. I told him that I think we are past the power struggle stage, which is why things are easier now.
@@aspegel5281 this is what I mean. It’s not ideal but the growth in just being more comfortable in who you are becomes measurable. Like if not for you I wouldn’t have realized this…
And I’m better for it.
This varies between each individual, their partner and the relationship. As a woman who leans more secure now, but mostly leaned FA/DA, I don't chase. I've never felt comfortable in that role and I believe that if a man wants to make it work with you, he'll figure it out. I used to hold their hand thru the process if I still cared, but never chased.
That being said, avoidant men have chased me. One still does, but it's mainly at two times. At the very beginning and at the very end when I'm pulling away. I'm not interested in someone dumping a ton of love and emotions onto me and then retreating into themselves out of fear and then coming back to do it again for the rest of my life until I die. Lol I can see now that it doesn't end. Even with men I dated over 20 years ago. They always come back. The problem is, I've evolved. I'm no longer interested in those who haven't nor am I going to prompt them to change to meet my needs.
If someone wants to go, let them go. Build a great life for yourself to the point that you don't need anything or anyone disrupting your peace. Doing anything but this has long term effects on your health and I'm sorry but no one is worth all that. ✌️💯
Well said
Sunshine And Snowflakes........I am a single mom from San Francisco and I have. 23yr son ......I seem to attract most of the time avoidants and was wondering if you could please send me two quick tips to get my most recent relationship Aviodent we had our first fight in 8 months and really I was dropping off some food to him and he talking about was politics and then I ask him if we could stop talking about politics and he thru his arm and hands up in the air and turned around and walk away from me...I had never seen anyone get so upset I think he said whatever he 6'1 and walk away...has not call to apologize and I started no contact. It's been 31 days and still he has not contacted me do you think he ever will I was loving and kind and giving to him even my son got him things....cause it seem he didn't seem to be on the cheap side....
Or poor which I thought was kinda odd also...even thou he is quirky kinda of for his age we are babyboomers.......thank you ever so much......🌱🌻🌿 🌺 🍩☕ 🌁
Sun and Snowflake I meant to say he was a cheapscape or tightwad like we use to say in the old days.....
@@blancaestrada396 every situation is different, but it depends on your connection and if he has an attachment to you. He might have felt like he was being shut down and not freely being allowed to share his thoughts. Honestly, it doesn't sound like he has anything to apologize for. He's allowed to get upset and you're allowed to not want to discuss politics.
If it were me, I would extend an olive branch to test the waters. Even if it's through text. Nothing long or heavy. In situations like this, I don't think it matters who reaches out first. He might be waiting on you just as much as you're waiting on him.
"Build a great life for yourself to the point that you don't need anything or anyone disrupting your peace" I feel like this is the avoidant anthem. Most people who honestly feel this way wouldn't bother with relationships. People want relationships because something is missing, otherwise we wouldn't bother.
I took a very long time and SO much research to finally reveal that at the core of my ex FA partner's behaviors was that it was deeply driven by a fear of embarassment and shame and needing to protect themselves against that. Seeing from that lens suddenly made so much of what happened make sense.
I don't think anyone should be chasing because this implies that the other person is running away. You should certainly PURSUE someone you're interested in, but only if that interest is reciprocated. This typically comes from a scarcity mindset, thinking that you can't find someone who reciprocates your interest and truly wants you (which is false).
I used to chase (at least for a while) in my late teens and early 20s, but when I stopped being attached to the outcome things started to become great for me. In the case of reconnecting with an ex, the same principles apply. I don't hold on to anyone too tightly because I know most people who enter my life are just passing through. This keeps my expectations in check and allows me to be indifferent to the outcome. In short, if it's a yes, great! If it's a no, big deal! 🤷🏿
Totally great and healthy perspective here and I agree- I think using the word PURSUE is an important distinction. I think that also means different things to different people.
What would your version of ‘pursue’ vs chase be? Could you provide any specific example for reference? I think that’s really helpful information !
Yeah hasn't she said in other videos how DAs want things to just work effortlessly? So expecting them to chase seems odd to me. I mean some signals and expression of interest, sure, but if you don't get the same back - oh well that's a bummer. On with your life.
@@Kinteresting Pursue vs Chase can be easily illustrated in my example here:
Let's say I met a girl at a coffee shop. I successfully got her number and text her 3-5 days later. I get an answer, we have a short conversation, and I ask her on a date. She says "yes" and we go on to have many dates afterward. This is what it means to pursue.
Now, the same situation as above. I get her number and text her, but instead she doesn't answer at all. Over the next few weeks, I leave her voicemail after voicemail, text after text, and I never get her on the phone. In essence, I try and chase her down while she's making zero effort to meet me half way. This is what it means to chase.
Hope that helps!
@@MilesIncognito most of these are questions from people in her Personal Development School from what I understand. However yes, people with extreme DA behavior won't chase. I'm SA with DA leaning traits so I understand the DA mindset. We're essentially risk assessment machines and I view chasing exactly the way I view it in my above comment.
@@sifublack192👌
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to move on, I really loved her so much i can’t stop thinking about her and the memories we shared. I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail. I’m frustrated, and i don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts, but i can’t. I don’t know why I’m saying this here, but i really miss her and i wish i could get her back.
🫶
I understand. It’s been three weeks since my avoidant walked away, dropped the bomb that he cheated, and then moved onto someone else right away. It all happened so fast that I’m in deep mourning. I miss him, but also he discarded me. He pined for me for years, we were together for two, and now he’s gone. This is so hard.
Definitely been there…hell, I AM there!
Same here. 5 years and he just ghosted me after several losses/deaths. He has me blocked on all platforms except 1 that showed him with another girl in less than 2 months. No closure, no answers. I cant eat, sleep. Its horrible. So i know what your going through.
I was you four years ago...
It's complete agony now and there will never be another person like them. But as you grow and come to respect yourself, you're going to realize it's a good thing. Life is an experience and no a lot of people were lucky enough to risk love like you do.
Keep pushing forward, embrace the uncertainty, feel your emotions, and love every part of yourself without making it someone else's responsibility.
Stay safe
That would require them to take some accountability for their actions... That isn't going to happen. Ever
For real. I'm sick of us always having to compensate for them.
reads like ones somewhat exhausted of not getting what they wanted and chased, and now retro-projecting into void [a place where dismissal happened earlier].
Truth!
My ex was a DA, and I oscillate between that and securely attached when I have taken that test over the years, I find it depends on who I’m with, but I start out secure and if my partner is extreme DA it starts to rub off on me, they also become more secure but it’s hard lol.
Anyways the flaw finding thing is so true. When we got into our argument that led to our break up the next day she started saying we were “too different” and we should’ve just stayed friends sighting things like “I like cats, she likes dogs, she doesn’t like fish, I do, I don’t lie to drink she does.” These aren’t reasons people break up, but that’s what she told herself at the time to justify her frame of reference as to why we broke up when in reality it was her alcoholism, impulsive behavior, insecurity, verbal abuse and cussing me out in front of her family over something that didn’t warrant that at all. When we broke up she reached out and I told her to take that test and sure enough she was DA.
I miss her sometimes but I realize if she doesn’t change it’s not going to work so I have been NC for about 7 months now because I knew if we started talking again she wouldn’t feel the need to change and she would try to slip back into my life(she tried to come visit me a week after the break up, I think to have make up sex)She blocked me a month ago on social media when she used to watch my stories religiously everyday , I think she is starting to realize I won’t chase her as it’s up to her to fix herself and come back and if she can’t do that I’m walking. A piece of me hopes she will reach out when she changes but that could be years down the road and I won’t care anymore.
It sounds like she is more AP than DA given all her attempts following the breakup. She may have gotten DA results from the quiz because of emphasizing traits she believed you are attracted to, downplaying her actual behavior, and using the quiz to ‘prove’ that you’re wrong about breaking up with her. The test shows that she did everything ‘right’, and isn’t the kind of person who even does do the things that upset you.
She’s the one going NC on you because she needs to. She may still be counting on you missing her attention, because NC is how some people try to get their exes back.
@@corvus..rainside I can see that. I think AP and DA kind of have similar traits and a person can be both in certain situations. I think in the relationship she was more DA but during the break up is AP. She told me I seemed like secure attached. She definitely was insecure and was almost looking for any evidence I was cheating or looking at other women even though I never did(she had been cheated on a few times in the past and was paranoid now)After the convo after our break up I never reached out this entire time, didn’t even feel the need to block her but she watched my stories for 7 months until I was blocked.
With her blocking me I think she is trying to get my attention, but I also think she is trying to heal, which is what I want. I already told her I can’t see myself with her because of her behavior and i don’t see her changing those issues anytime soon. Her blocking me did make me miss her a bit more and made me realize is wasn’t entirely over her cuz I wasn’t speaking to her but I still got a little bit of validation from seeing her watching my stories lol. But regardless as I wasn’t the one who cussed her out, for in her face, slapped my cousin in the face, etc, I don’t see how nc will work on getting me back. I have enough self respect and did enough in the relationship to know I deserve better. No contact has worked cuz sure I miss her, but if we started talking again I’d tell her the same thing we can’t be together if you haven’t changed
What I learned from being with a DA for 34 years is although a good person she wasn't "all in" like 100% all in. They come and go like a tide. I have learned here that this behavior was ingrained long ago. A partner CANNOT BE ENOUGH to satisfy them because they are super silently critical of themselves. Eventually you will be the cause of her unhappiness even if she cannot share why. It's a lonely life. It's unfortunate they are the way they are. They just are emotionally unavailable. Accept that and save yourself allot of years in "limbo " only to have her walk away down the road. No disrespect to the DA! They are good people also. Just give them their head. Good luck.
@@corvus..rainside I feel that when sharing decades of experience with any attachment like say Dog breeds isn't beneficial because we all are a continuum. DA with a twist of Ap with a tad of Sa. The big Picture is what I feel is important.
I am a DA due to complex childhood trauma and she is literally looking in my head with this video.
I'm so happy as a therapist to have find you
Dont chase " run run has fast has you can" these types of peopleneed therapy but they will make you beleive you need Therapy and maybe meanwhie they will having an affair whith another sucker ...back off guys run 😳
Why are people chasing an ex that don't want the relationship ?
What about your self respect, self esteem and dignity to accept the grown persons choice to move on. It's quite disrespectful to yourself to reduce yourself to chasing. Do your inner healing work and address your abandonment and rejection wounds. That person who left you behind could be giving you a gift of a lifetime. Take it, grow from it and silently thank them ❤
How do you know for sure they are in-fact avoidant and NOT narcissistic??
There was a video about this posted by someone else it was something like difference between a covert narcissist and avoidant.
Has anyone experienced an avoidant that isn't affectionate at all and says he doesn't know how to be affectionate? I'm going through this, and it's painful. It feels like something is wrong with me
This is not personal to you, this is based on his personal issue.
This is apparently common. Honestly if the relationship is fairly new and he won't be affectionate and has no interest in learning how to or following through on changes, I'd leave asap.
YES, BC THEY NEVER RECEIVED LOVE AND AFFECTION IN THEIR CHILDHOOD HOW DO EXPACT TO GIVE TO YOU.
We look down on people who “need” affection since we do not. We know it’s not required for life because we ourselves don’t need it, so we don’t understand when another says it’s a “need”. I would leave, it is not worth dating someone like that unless you’re really into it. They will not change.
Maybe he really doesn't know how to do it, because he never learned how to do it. Just show him, and be patient, he may learn that from you.
I'm so tired of being trapped in a marriage with a woman who I cannot talk to or touch, and I can do nothing to attract her because of how avoidant she is.
You are the one who married her. You are not "trapped" try a concept called divorce if you're that unhappy and stop blaming your bs on her
It's really hard to be in a situation like that. Sometimes it's like trying to get through a stone wall.
Something I painfully learned is that you can't fix these people, they have to see their own patterns and want to change on their own accord. No amount of your effort or love will change them.
I found adopting a nonviolent communication style a bit helpful in communicating with them, but no miracle pill. My best advice is to have a strong network of emotionally available people outside of your marriage (like friends and family to lean on), because you WILL have unmet emotional needs in a marriage with a person who's strongly DA. You're basically in a setup for emotional and sometimes sexual starvation. It wears the strongest person down over time.
You say it like its just that simple. You must be an avoidant. @tuesday8134
LEAVE. Stop hoping for the impossible.
Leave and salvage your life
I'm a FA and he's DA and forget that mess....I don't trust his sneaky lying self..
😂
We were in committed relationship for 3 years. He cheated on me and then discarded me. The most pathetic thing is that he introduced me to his side chick and this side chick has a thick face to pretend to be nice. He still act like a super nice guy and the side chick thought she won the lottery. Im counting my day where she wish she was dead. He will destroy her life. She was already very damaged before he met her.
Hi Thais ❤ great video. Thank you for all your help to understand FA and DA’s. Your are so so appreciated
Most of the people in comments sound like they are dealing with immature DA's. They themselves aren't secure, and they chase after. Secure people don't chase. They speak there mind and go on with their life. If it doesn't fit, it doesn't fit. A DA will see chasing and see it as weakness. No matter how much they care, they will lose respect for you, and you'll never get it back. Chase=weak= long drawn out painful ending.
Can you do a video, if you haven’t already, about dismissive avoidants and how they can sometimes justify lying? Also, do you think dismissives are more prone to cheat?
@@JohnDAlmonte she's done videos on this topic. I think they're more prone unless you've royally pissed off an AP enough they completely give up and go elsewhere.
Thank you John for your suggestion. I will now forward this to Thais :)
I CHASED, AND CHASED, and I still kind of would if I had ANY chance, but he blames, blames, and blames
What are you chasing someone if they don't want the relationship. Chasing pushes them further away. Have self respect and dignity not to go so low to chase somebody...
Hi, it is SO traumatic - I FINALLY got the hint after the guy blocked me, that he was NEVER gonna change!!!
ESPECIALLY at 53 years old, and hadn't yet even gotten a divorce from his SECOND wife!!!
I ALWAYS go after LOSERS. or the avoidance type, please Pray for me, I want a man that is EMOTIONALLY MATURE!!!
As far as I know, I’m a fearful avoidant and I do a lot of these behaviors.
What's the likelihood that someone who doesn't have a strong personality need around connection and romantic relationships will become a good partner, though?
Probably as likely as me, a person without any personality needs for ambition or career growth, becoming the next Elon Musk 😅
I went through the How to Repair Any Relationship with my DA partner and we set deadlines with agreements together.
Very shortly afterward (the same week), he basically subconsciously did something that hit all three of my top core wounds I identified in the relationship....he became crushy/glimmer of limerance for someone. He says he can't explain why. He can't provide any reasons, feelings, needs or anything that he can explain would "cause" it. He also didn't even consider unpacking it and digging deeper until I brought up that I could sense it going on.
He also then proceeded to not meet *any* of the agreements in the deadlines we set, even though one of them was simply to tell me if he's struggling with the agreements!
I'm completely lost. I feel like I self abandoned because I can't leave. We've been together almost 9 years and own a house together. He's my kid's stepdad....I'm just completely exhausted and fed up.
Just give up on receiving love from them and remove your desire for it. Become buddies, treat him like a disabled friend you’re there for and love but don’t expect anything in return. Be a good roommate and buddy , and that’s it.
I feel so sorry for you (no irony intended) and respect that you tried to set healthy boundaries.
Honestly, the only way to stay in this relationship would be for him to agree to work on himself, watch Thais or Heidi Priebe's videos and go to therapy.
Otherwise you'll just suffer more and more and you deserve better, you owe it to yourself.
Remember that no one should be treated the way DAs do, it is unacceptable by any means.
@@moderngoblin that is the choice I've been fighting against because I desperately want this to work
@@osef119 thank you. He does watch them both but isn't putting the deeper inner work into enough practice. He's started doing autosuggestion, so maybe that will help. I think it's connected to unmet needs for himself and perhaps the relationship that he isn't aware of or able to connect to. And I pay the price.
She has qualities that he doesn't that he wishes he had. You will need to dig into his core wounds to find out what they are. Thais always says to give it a time frame, and if you don't see improvement, you must move on. If you feel you can't leave, this is something you know you need to work on in the meantime... building up your support system outside of this relationship, and how to build security and happiness within yourself. Work on your self-worth. This limerance could be a way to create distance between you two as well, because of his fears.
I had the same thing happen, and I ended up leaving, because he started behaving like a narcissist, and treated me very poorly. I could tell it was limerance because he would act like a completely different person around her, which is all part of it. He would pretend to be interested in certain topics I knew he hated. The limerance was about her being a very free person - a little too free (if you catch my drift), because he was very rigid. She was also very pretty, which was a core wound of his - not feeling attractive during childhood.
Leaving him made him wake up a bit. He even tried to come back at one point, and I was still hurt over the situation to allow him back into my life, because he was extremely mean, and I didn't want to be treated poorly. I even gave him a try again, but I caught him in a lie very soon into the re-start, so I ended it again (FAs need trust). He moved on to another relationship with a beautiful, younger woman. That's when he realized beauty isn't everything. He told me he had to learn this lesson. She ended up leaving him, and we were briefly talking at that point. He was pretty sad, because he was engaged to her, so I gave him support and now we're back to being best friends again. Many years later, and with PDS work, things have improved quite a bit. However, I'm not going to lie, it has been a long and difficult road. PDS has made a huge impact on our friendship. It really helps to understand what's going on at the core and to communicate properly.
I personally haven't - but my best friend was in A TON of them - a lot of them were bisexuality, but some were NOT..
PLEASE do not blame yourself!!!
My friend is now married.
A Lot of these people are depressed, Or just so cut off from there feelings, that there is Nothing u can do is move on!!
I’m an FA, my BF more on the DA side, thank you so much for your work! ❤
This girl who works at my gym, I've been TRYING to get to know better by inviting her to workout with me and play games 🎮 (we share a lot of common interests like bodybuilding, she's becoming a PT, gaming, horror movies, etc.).
Each time I stepped up and invited her to join me for an activity, she agreed BUT has yet to actually follow through on a plan.
Then she ghosted/avoided me online and in person (wouldn't even look at me) 😳 for about 3 weeks, then went to Japan.
She just returned last week and when I saw her Sunday in the gym she actually came over to me, was very friendly and discussed her vacation with me. 🤔
We had some flirty banter like we did over a month ago (before she ghosted me) and she 🎥 filmed part of my workout.
I mentioned how we were making plans to start training together, then she said how she still doesn't know when she will be available to workout. . .
She also said "I'm VERY shy. My dad tells me I need to work on putting myself out there more."
I said "That's why I put it out there. If you choose to follow me, that's up to you.
I'm not going to bug you. So when you are ready for us to workout together, you know how to reach me, right?"
She said "Yes I do. I really appreciate you. You are the BEST gym influencer!"
I'm not actually a "gym influencer", I interpreted that as a flirty compliment from her (she was giving me A LOT of those before ghosting me).
So, I'm thinking she could be an "avoidant style" because she agreed to each of my activity invitations (I didn't call them "dates", maybe she thought they were) BUT has been very resistant to following through on them.
Some advice I've gotten (over the past month) has been to gently try to stay in her life and she will warm up to me after more trust has been built.
Other advice has been to drop her and move on, as she isn't putting forth equal effort as I am.
We aren't even close to being in a relationship, just I see a lot of potential for us together. I've been trying to get to know her more to see where it could take us.
It's difficult to get to know her just with 1-2 hrs a week (while she is working at the gym on weekends) and she is resisting following through our plans she agreed on because she is "shy"?
What should I do to help progress this along? 🤔
Do not go after someone for "potential". She has already shown you who she is. She ghosted you. Never acknowledged it or apologized. That's what they do. Please don't ignore that huge red flag.
@@reneehaynes8289 I was talking to her just tonight about an hour ago for over 10 minutes straight. She was catching me up on her work promotion, PT progress, etc. and was basically the OPPOSITE of how she acted when she ghosted/avoided me for that 3 week period.
I hear what you are saying about the red flag.
The reason I'm commenting on this video is because I'm curious IF she has this hot/cold behavior towards me because (A) she likes me but is scared/has avoidant attachment style (needs more trust to be built before doing more than chatting with me), or (B) she is just friendly but has ZERO attraction towards me (I doubt this, with the many physical compliments she has given me) and felt uncomfortable when I was bold enough to invite her into my life (there is a large age difference, I think she's 18-20 and she knows I'm in my 30s), or (C) she has just been playing games with me to be toxic/malicious?🤔
I'm a bodybuilder looking for a girl to do this lifestyle with me +build a great relationship together. When I learned she is into bodybuilding, becoming a PT at my gym, AND is hardcore into gaming (I'm a professional gamer) + I sensed a mutual attraction (now I'm confused about) = I became very interested.
Then I invited her to workout and stuff = then the hot/cold ghosting stuff happened and now she is back to warm again. . . 🤔
So your opinion is still I should NOT be persistent/patient with her, but drop her and move on after the ghosting behavior that she only slightly acknowledged as "I'm very shy"?
@@reneehaynes8289 @reneehaynes8289 I was talking to her just tonight about an hour ago for over 10 minutes straight. She was catching me up on her work promotion, PT progress, etc. and was basically the OPPOSITE of how she acted when she ghosted/avoided me for that 3 week period.
I hear what you are saying about the red flag.
The reason I'm commenting on this video is because I'm curious IF she has this hot/cold behavior towards me because (A) she likes me but is scared/has avoidant attachment style (needs more trust to be built before doing more than chatting with me), or (B) she is just friendly but has ZERO attraction towards me (I doubt this, with the many physical compliments she has given me) and felt uncomfortable when I was bold enough to invite her into my life (there is a large age difference, I think she's 18-20 and she knows I'm in my 30s), or (C) she has just been playing games with me to be toxic/malicious?🤔
I'm a bodybuilder looking for a girl to do this lifestyle with me +build a great relationship together. When I learned she is into bodybuilding, becoming a PT at my gym, AND is hardcore into gaming (I'm a professional gamer) + I sensed a mutual attraction (now I'm confused about) = I became very interested.
Then I invited her to workout and stuff = then the hot/cold ghosting stuff happened and now she is back to warm again. . . 🤔
So your opinion is still I should NOT be persistent/patient with her, but drop her and move on after the ghosting behavior that she only slightly acknowledged as "I'm very shy"?
@@reneehaynes8289
@reneehaynes8289 I was talking to her just tonight about an hour ago for over 10 minutes straight. She was catching me up on her work promotion, PT progress, etc. and was basically the OPPOSITE of how she acted when she ghosted/avoided me for that 3 week period.
I hear what you are saying about the red flag.
The reason I'm commenting on this video is because I'm curious IF she has this hot/cold behavior towards me because (A) she likes me but is scared/has avoidant attachment style (needs more trust to be built before doing more than chatting with me), or (B) she is just friendly but has ZERO attraction towards me (I doubt this, with the many physical compliments she has given me) and felt uncomfortable when I was bold enough to invite her into my life (there is a large age difference, I think she's 18-20 and she knows I'm in my 30s), or (C) she has just been playing games with me to be toxic/malicious?🤔
I'm a bodybuilder looking for a girl to do this lifestyle with me +build a great relationship together. When I learned she is into bodybuilding, becoming a PT at my gym, AND is hardcore into gaming (I'm a professional gamer) + I sensed a mutual attraction (now I'm confused about) = I became very interested.
Then I invited her to workout and stuff = then the hot/cold ghosting stuff happened and now she is back to warm again. . . 🤔
So your opinion is still I should NOT be persistent/patient with her, but drop her and move on after the ghosting behavior that she only slightly acknowledged as "I'm very shy"?
@@reneehaynes8289
I was talking to her just tonight about an hour ago for over 10 minutes straight. She was catching me up on her work promotion, PT progress, etc. and was basically the OPPOSITE of how she acted when she ghosted/avoided me for that 3 week period.
I hear what you are saying about the red flag.
The reason I'm commenting on this video is because I'm curious IF she has this hot/cold behavior towards me because (A) she likes me but is scared/has avoidant attachment style (needs more trust to be built before doing more than chatting with me), or (B) she is just friendly but has ZERO attraction towards me (I doubt this, with the many physical compliments she has given me) and felt uncomfortable when I was bold enough to invite her into my life (there is a large age difference, I think she's 18-20 and she knows I'm in my 30s), or (C) she has just been playing games with me to be toxic/malicious?🤔
I'm a bodybuilder looking for a girl to do this lifestyle with me +build a great relationship together. When I learned she is into bodybuilding, becoming a PT at my gym, AND is hardcore into gaming (I'm a professional gamer) + I sensed a mutual attraction (now I'm confused about) = I became very interested.
Then I invited her to workout and stuff = then the hot/cold ghosting stuff happened and now she is back to warm again. . . 🤔
So your opinion is still I should NOT be persistent/patient with her, but drop her and move on after the ghosting behavior that she only slightly acknowledged as "I'm very shy"?
Thanks for responding 🙂
What was the part that you were supposed to mention on how to get them back lol because asking to talk is not it I'm sure of that
My DA only chases when he knows I’m mad or about to leave. It’s just exhausting bc he is inconsistent.
Good video and good comments for the most part. I have a lot of trouble listening to the voice of this woman whose voice is like sandpaper over gravel!
It is troublesome😢
They are deeply flawed, it's called emotional selfishness
When my DA ex broke up with me, one of the reasons he gave was that I don't speak his mother tongue. We were together two years, and well, what can I say, he knew that all along.
I feel the content is redundant regarding avoidants at this point very similar titles or same information on this channel is there anything else about attachments, relationships or psychology to learn?
Pretty sure the point is to purchase the programs to get the next level of information
@@Aquarius0219 well thanks will unsubscribe
Glad someone said it. In this video -and others- it's also unclear if it even answers what it's supposed to based on the title. One thing that clicked for me was that all this attachment content is ofc going to be aimed at the anxious and what they can do or say, blah blah bc avoidants are off living in their avoidance, thus less likely to come looking for any of this.
@@elianap13It seems to be so.
Is it possible for the FA and DA to subconsciously heal each other’s core wounds?
Yes. But both have to truly want that and work hard at overcoming traumas and triggers together.
Avoid the avoidant😊
Tried to chase an DA 2 months after the break up, but got anything in return, not even the "seen"🤡. Now I understand she doesnt want anything to do with me.😅
For more context, she told me she couldn't meet my needs (I wanted her to open more to me, and every time I told her, she pulled more away, telling me excuses about why this wasnt working out, and in a defensive way, making me feel the needy one). Then she broke up, and I couldnt contact her from there even if I tried. I didnt expect it, that she would be cappable of that but I guess life goes on...
There is really not any info about avoidants deciding to marry or move in together. I gave an internal deadline for living together. July 1. We started doing week on week off as a slow progression. We did it for 1 month. By July, He freaked out and said he just doesn’t think he can do it. I said it’s ok. I understand this is confusing because it’s serious (I think because I had previously said don’t let me move in if you know we will never be married). I said it doesn’t mean we are getting married right now. Just be open to discussion. He cried before I packed my stuff and went back to my own house. He knows about attachment. I asked if I could send a video. I sent one about avoidant attachment. I don’t know if he watched it. We haven’t spoke since I left. My phone is in his name. I told him when he’s ready to transfer it, to let me know. It’s been a month. I don’t know if I should be patient, ask for my plan and be done with this, or just wait on him to put the nail in the coffin by sending me the phone plan info. Can you do a video about marriage and living together and what they go through and if it’s time to call it quits? I’m fine being patient because I KNOW this is a huge commitment. I just would like to know how avoidants choose to take that deeper commitment for lifetime.
Set some boundaries for yourself. It is not fair for him to hold you in limbo like this. He doesn't sound mature enough for an adult relationship, and the longer you let him keep you in limbo, the more you are enabling his behavior. He hasn't even fully felt the loss of you, so don't expect him to change or reflect.
My avoidant ex was so traumatized during COVID that he subconsciously was projecting onto me. He said I was the perfect girl and he had a HEAVY limerence, he said he wanted to start a family even. He was so excited, he wrote me a song. He introduced me to his friends. 3 months and I was packing my stuff to live with him. We lived for 3 years almost. I had really difficult health problems, I was in benzos the first year. When I stopped them I had the worst abstinence in my life & he just wasn't there for me. He began working 24/7 didn't treat me right, stone walling me. He began hurting my feelings, insulting me that while I was battling MS & I DIDNT STOP FOR A SECOND AND WORKED THE WHOLE TIME, he said I was lazy, miserable, weak, hypochondriac who is making pathetic tries to win him back. I had mental health issues during the second year, I also got fired from 2 jobs while abstinating, I got endometriosis & got an operation. He couldn't stop blaming me for not being the person who I was in the beginning. I caved, became so small, had 0 self respect & was blaming myself. I lost myself and became a shell of my identity before him. He slowly started depriving me from intimacy & sexual life. He got me in a trauma bond and I was chasing so bad. At one point in the second year I wanted to leave but he said "he wanted future with me" & then NO ACTIONS towards it. During the 3rd year we decided that we were going to make home renovations & he abruptly said he wanted to separate. He said we were on a break and wanted to do couples therapy. We went one time before he got on my nerves so bad to the point I was always hysterical and yelling. There wasn't any need of mine that he met. The break up was so messy we got to a point where he told me he wanted family in the beginning but then he saw I wasn't ambitious enough like his mother & I wouldn't be a good parent. He said I'm also pretending to be sicker than I was. He waited to drop off my things at my parents to tell me it wasn't a break we were actually breaking up "in order for him to reinvent me & the relationship". After that he acted friendly like he didn't break my whole life into pieces. It was a pus pull dynamic until my birthday in January after that I got into no contact. During this time we both found rebounds. I saw him recently - the ego was dimmed down BUT it wasn't enough for me. He said he was sorry but I sensed it was just because he has validation from the other girl. It was too much for me cause apology means changed behaviour! I yelled once again poured my truth, offended him once more cause he really hurt my pride with all his behaviour! Now he's blocked and Im on my spiritual awakening! The end. 😂 I'm glad I can share with you the biggest trauma of my life! Thank you for reading it. In conclusion I can say - avoidants aren't bad people, but they need therapy so bad, that it's better to find someone new. It's one thing " both of you to have separate lives" and it's another when they start pulling away at the slightest inconvenience. I started studying psychology after this relationship! I've read TONS of content on the attachments & every single person who's been with an avoidant has severe trauma. I wish you hope & luck, being with an avoidant isn't for the weak! ❤ You have to put yourself first in order to not get hurt by them!
My DA calls me & his dog his family. Yet he has no interest in living together or getting married.
He also has difficulty with physical affection, however, he does make an effort.
He has chased me when I sabotaged the relationship & asked him to leave me alone. We quickly return to normal.
I moved 2 hours away & don't expect him to visit me. Moving away & not visiting him will be the end for us which is what I want now.
I want to love & be loved with abandon.
@@nayaroberttodorova5960sounds like one is also a narcissist
Something positive:
When you're finally over these people you move on from the BS faster than a "normal" relationship. It's like you escaped the Twilight Zone.
❤
Why would it be different to break up with someone else in a healthy relationship
@@Nosoytunovia_
Because the avoidant attachment style is a complete cluster#@&. There is a base separation anxiety but because the avoidant is frankly so abnormal there's a bit of relief to get away for us too.
@@Nosoytunovia_its obvious
I'm floating... this was helpful, thx
He used to chase me. Now he guilt trips me if I want to break up.
Thank you Thais 😊 🙏
They discarded me and then crumbed me after. I’m not going to fall for it again. Why do they crumb when they know full well they were the ones that decided to end the connection unilaterally?
Does this apply to FA's too?
I'm a fearful avoidant and sometimes I do when I switch to my anxious side and the person has checked out
Speaking as an avoidant-leaning FA myself, I definitely think it applies to FAs who lean more avoidant... especially the parts about the fear of vulnerability, the ambivalence, and the lack of modeling around what a relationship even should or could be.
5:04 lol wow, how do you know me😅 i was thinking since the beginning of the video, there would have to be an extremely good reason (that doesn’t include emotions) for me to “chase” someone. Chase to me means they don’t want to be with me and I am trying to force them, like a psychopath.
😂
Not chasing an avoidant. Don’t do cowards. Life’s too short for playing childish games. Gotta learn to grow up by accepting rejection, no matter how much it hurts but builds better character of oneself. ‘Cause if you don’t, then that avoidant won’t survive in life in the future.
My avoidant knows she is avoidant but doesnt and refuses to do therapy she says whats wrong being an avoidant
Ditch her
Accept her and support her.
@@-taylor-9980 no way im doing that if u want a one way relationship go for it. Unless theres some work on healing on her part im out doesnt matter how much i love her
@@Tryyy123 you might just not be the right fit for her. I date avoidants because I understand them and we share similar traits like the need for space. If it's not for you, you can absolutely exit the relationship. No one is making you stay.
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life how does that work for you?
7:22 This is the first time I heard somebody else touch the subject of grasping the concept of a relationship. A few months ago, a friend of mine asked me how is it possible that I don't have a girlfriend. When I told her that I never understood the concept of a relationship, she completely dismissed it as, according to her, it's something so innate and natural that it's impossible not to understand. This made me think - is there anything I can do to internalize this concept?
Go see a therapist. Seriously, therapy could do a lot for you.
I avoid avoidant attachment people. I feel for them but why go through that? Must be machocistic people who choose! Im anxiouse and have for the first time ever met an avoidant and it messed me up real time.
What is an avoidant anyway? According to Google I'm an avoidant and the girl I'm seeing off and on is an avoidant as well. It's a tricky situation I'm in but it's not horrible. When she comes around, she'll come around. In the meantime I can better myself. I'm not a victim, I'm a volunteer.
I'd go see a therapist. One of you will likely end up hurt by the end of it, and since you are both avoidants, neither of you will know how to fix it. Also if you can google your attachment style, you can google what it means too and I would recommend that, but basically it means you avoid deep relationships by withdrawing from the relationship when things get too real. Withdrawal can simply mean keeping your distance for awhile, but it can also mean lying, cheating, and self sabotaging the relationship to avoid deeper intimacy. Also, being "too busy" for a relationship and leaving anyone who even slightly threatens your independence (which is unrealistic because all serious relationships requires some sacrifice). People with avoidant attachment also don't like it when people rely on them and don't want to rely on other people, or at least they tell themselves they don't want to rely on others and are totally self-sufficient.
@@MadisonEstes I'm not sure it needs to be fixed. I'm not looking for a relationship but if something happens I'm open to it. I have hurt and been hurt. Pain is the touchstone to progress. I do have several symptoms you describe. I'm not defending those. Since my last relationship I've become quite content being single. I don't see many relationships out there that appeal to me. I do however see men searching for that soulmate that will make their life complete. I was once that guy but I've realized my Creator made me complete and putting that burden (to complete me) on a woman is quite selfish and childish. If things work out with this lady, great. But if not, there will be another.
T would be better to communicate than just rattle.
I’m FA and AA jeez that’s terrible
I GET NO CALLS FROM NOBODY
well… of course, an avoidant isn’t chasing whatever implying attachment to stay clear of, and dismiss. who‘d have thought !? mitigating cognitive dissonance !?!
Do they even feel anything?
The million dollar question
Girl I don’t even chase my liquor.
How do I know if I'm the DA or they are?? 😂
Question- could you do a video on when an avoidant male who had mommy issues is attracted to women 20+ years older. Can this work long term? Pros & cons.
Dear Raquel, thank you for your suggestion. I have now forwarded this to Thais :)
Why is her voice cracking or scratchy? Is this how she normally talks?
I am the one who finished every and all my relationships. And this is not normal. Even my 1st marriage. Just walked away one day for no particular reason. Remenber my 1st wife crying and asking "what did I do"? Somehow I just felt it was time to leave. BTW, I never chased any woman and never ever fighted for any woman. My present wife complains that after 28 years married she still has the feeling that I have one foot in the boat and the other outside.😮
Wow, maybe get help and stop hurting people?
It's good you can admit it isn't normal. I'd recommend a therapist.
I actually never imagined that its could be associated attachment styke. To be honest I didnt know this term until a few weeks ago. When I was 2 years old my mother gave me to the care of my grandmother. 😔 It was due to financial problens. May be it can have afected a lot deeper than I can realise. My grandmother said I cried for weeks. Than I stopped never to cry again.
@@BoleiaDaVida so sorry you went through that 😔
@@firefoxchibi I am working on it and its my intention to have the oportunity, somehow, to say "I am sorry" to some of them. I was very unfair.
Well he can get lost then, i have no time for bs!
Aren’t DAs so lucky of feeling NOTHING. I’m hurting after breaking up with him because he’s constantly stonewalling or giving me the silent treatment and refusing to discuss ANY emotions
They actually feel a LOT which is why they retreat. 😢
It seems quite abusive😢
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life: They *think* they don't feel anything but it's all there under the surface and just comes out in other ways/
I had a 3 month relationship with someone who I adored and she reciprocated (love bombed?) but at 10 weeks after continually pressurising me to organise trips (which I had done short term) when I actually tried to set a date for my birthday which would be 4 months away , she did a complete U turn, stating it was pressure, we were only dating (I'd met family, friends, did everything together, that's not 'just' dating surely?), so I called her out as I didn't understand this change of heart so suddenly? and then it was downhill after that, even berating me as needy, over texting, critisizing me etc all to as it seemed to justify why she had backed off? she wouldn't let me see her
, saying the break would do us good (she was off on holiday)I was totally blindsided so I dumped her but I regret it so much! That was 6 week ago and I have heard nothing and don't expect to either but it hurts like hell. was she an avoidant or just not not into me?
Not all avoidants are dismissive avoidants?! Some of us detach in a healthy way without dragging and dismissing the feelings of others, we just recognize our flaws and wounds and we are open about it. An avoidant that recognizes how and why they are avoidant and being clear and open about it. It works with secure and other self aware avoidants that are able to sit in that uncomfortable space of improvement but not being there yet, if that makes sense. I just avoid something I am not yet comfortable with, I need a slow pace and communicate that. So ya we ain't all just selfish unaware dicks...
You’re talking too fast
Avoidants can only be loved the way they were loved by their parents, cold and without emotions. We're all looking to be loved the way we were loved by our parents if you think of it, that's the only way we know love, we cannot recognise any other type of love.
8:40 🙌🏻
They’re fake and selfish, run the other way
It feels that way.
Girl, I love your make up, but your left eye be killing me with those lashes not matching your right eye!