Our 10 yr marriage anniversary spent on his live car racing events/ watching RUclips gaming playthrough videos. I was told not to bother putting on nice clothes because "don't bother, were not going anywhere special!" Just the weed store for him/ grocery store for ingredients for me to make him dinner while he slept.. I haven't gone anywhere in years .. He promised our day mattered to him as well, told me he made a bunch of plans when he lied again, & treated like I don't exist unless serving his needs. I feel so alone for years. First year of marriage he forced an abortion because he wasn't ready.. I had severe codependency issues he took advantage of as an avoidant, (also I am autistic, which trauma reexperiencing goes hand in hand), my family of origin was very toxic dynamic so neglect was "normalized"... Thais thank you for being you! 💌Fellow Canadian thanking you for making sense of his manipulative hot/ cold games, your videos👌
I had many of the same issues as you did, Heather. I didn't exist unless I was meeting my ex's needs and I was also from a family where neglect was normalized, so it didn't even register to me that what he was doing was neglect for ages.
@@decemberclouds Their conditional love based on performative hurts, it's how they were trained to be - so they groom us in the same way to have their needs met while neglecting their partner.. They put in minimal effort, for maximal reward. They expect us not to notice we are putting in all the work. When we do, & try to communicate, it is shirked off; or we are labeled negative for noticing, or trying anything different. They pick a person capable of taking care of them, to the point where we forget/ put off our own needs. Groomed to be their perfect caretaker. It's not your fault, you care - & that is beautiful✨ ..Working on putting my energy where it belongs, into myself now as I require, & deserve. Sending you love, & understanding 💌🤗
Did we date the same person? LOL But seriously, I have been here. Weed, food and video games were priority over not just me, but also his teenager. I mean give me a break. We all love our creature comforts, but can they honestly not see how this causes issues? Pretty much every woman my ex seriously dated fought with him over this, and THEY were gamers too!!
In my youth, I used to play games somewhat heavily, and being a loner and introverted, there was a sense of companionship and camaraderie. By the way, these were all single-player, non-internet games, many of which were CRPGs like Baldur's Gate II. I was whisked away to a place I'd rather be, with companions who had more personality than many a human. Parallel to this was my love, back then, of fantasy novels, particularly the Forgotten Realms. It was the same: taking me to a place full of wonder and adventure, with noble companions. I don't really play any more, except on the rare occasion for nostalgia's sake. (Incidentally, my favourite is Half-Life 2, whose sense of atmosphere I appreciate.) But I think my fondness for science-fiction cinema carries some of that desire to go beyond reality, so to speak.
I have a DA friend who spends most of her nights playing video games until whenever, then complains that she woke up real tired; and prioritizes her online friends, that some of them have never even met her in person, over me, who's basically minutes away from her home. It's frustrating sometimes to hang out with her because she will spend a good chunk of that time talking to her Discord friends while pretending to "listen" to me when I'm talking, even after I tell her that it annoys me. It's too late for me to just give her an appropriate ultimatum, but to those who are starting to see the signals, let me warn you, it won't get better. If a person doesn't show the priorities you deserve, treat them in kind until there's no attachment left.
I want to first and foremost say that I've been a person who has played video games for over 30 years, well before I met my ex. I have a PS1, 2, 4, and 5, and a Switch so I love gaming. So my ex's love of video games wasn't a problem, but the problem was it was just that gaming was all he did! He gamed from 7am - 1am on his days off. On his work days, it was often 6pm until bed time or if he had an urgent trophy to get, up until 1 or 2am, raging when he made mistakes and getting upset at me if I left the room if I was scared. Ultimately in my situation, there was nothing I could do, and I just have to wish him the best.
Here's good example of video games as not distracting. For me they are special interest. The difference is I'll play on my phone while my wife watches TV. I have no interest in the show. For me this a love language called parallel play. I want to be in her presence while we both enjoy our own things. This is an offshoot of the love language Quality Time. So I play a lot of video games but I make time for date night too. So this just showing a different reason people play video games as I can end playing them to late in the night too. If I'm in zone like that, time passes so fast and I don't notice. So if my wife pulls me out of it that's good thing for me. I don't like being pulled out as I start though. Just though an real life example of no being avoidant and playing a lot of video games.
Attachment styles aside, playing video games all hours of the night into the morning can be dangerous. I had a neighbor whose son was at his girlfriend's house doing exactly that and was killed in a car accident on the way home because he fell asleep behind the wheel. This caused a lot of guilt and emotional pain from his girlfriend, as both of them had just graduated high school. That said, I wonder if complacency is part of the problem here more than anything. Fifteen years is a long time to spend with someone who ignores you to play video games all day and night. Also, does he make money playing? I've known people who do and it's like a full time job working 40-60 hours a week (although I admit this is unlikely if he's playing with friends and playing all night). Having seen this in real time with several friends whose marriages ended because of it, it would be interesting to learn more information.
Anything done in excess is too much in my opinion. If you're doing something that's going to improve your life that's one thing, but spending hours a day on gaming sounds more like an addiction than a hobby.
@@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope I agree, this was definitely an addiction on his part. I know someone who has a similar addiction that send to be getting worse since he's getting divorced. I'm trying to get him to focus on other activities like the gym and fencing (something he studied in high school and college) and he seems to be headed in the right direction.
@@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g I hope so. I dated someone who had issues in every single relationship because of his gaming. He took it as if they were trying to control him but they were feeling neglected and alone in the relationship. One of them actually cheated on him, many times, and not that I would ever excuse cheating, but I can see why she did it. I asked him if he thought there was anything off or that could have been fixed before she cheated. He said that she kept asking for him to take her out on dates and he would tell her to just go by herself. She got to a point where she considered him a roommate, not a partner. He seriously didn't pay attention to any of it until the end when she kicked him out. It sounded brutal and he's still messed up from it years later, but the fact that he left her hanging in the relationship is relatable. Gaming wasn't an issue with us, but I didn't live with him either. I def felt neglected too though.
@@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g it's so weird to me. I think video games are fun, but I can stop playing at any time. What kills me is that most gamers I know are potheads who live paycheck to paycheck struggling. We're in our 40's too!! Lol How could you possibly prioritize gaming in this economy? Lol
My bf in avoidant and he plays video games till late night 3AM. And he is praticing under a lawyer. He says that whenever he is more stressful he plays video games. He has 2 phones. On one phone he put me in video call and on the other phone he plays video games for 3-4 hours. He doesn't even talk to me. When he took a short brake to eat food i was talking to him and he started to avoid me. I felt dishearted. 🥺 I know he was eating in front of me on video call but i just don't understand whenever i talk to him he remains quite or dont look at me at all. I become so anxious i talked to him about it and said he can play but dont put me in call at that perticular time i can watch something in my phone. When we will be free we will talk.
I would honestly leave. This is who he is. 15 years is a long time to feel neglected by a partner and she's neglecting herself by staying. I happen to be extremely busy with a ton of friends and hobbies so gaming doesn't bother me a ton, but anyone addicted to anything is kind of a turn off. It shows no self-control. Esp when you pair endless weed with it. No thank you. I have an ex who ruined every relationship and many friendships over gaming including his own kid. It's really sad, but if someone can't game without occasionally putting the controller down, that's an issue.
this makes me sad but sort of relieved at the same time... mine plays video games CONSTANTLY. literally 12 hrs the other day... why do we accept this :(
What if our chances of finding a better partner are very low? Is it better to leave and be alone? E.g., as a middle-aged woman with a serious disability.
As a severely disabled person myself, I personally regret staying in relationships where my needs weren't being met. I was very FA and didn't like to be alone. Now I am single for two years and I am soo much happier than with any partner. It was hard and scary at first but after a while I realised I'd rather never have a relationship again than being treated poorly. Your disability or age don't determine your value. And I know so many people that are mostly bedbound who found very kind and loving partners so it isn't impossible.
Video games is a non negotiable deal breaker for me. If a grown man has a console in their home there are no more dates moving forward. I’ve lived it and just… no.
No, he just likes video games. If you love him you will play with him. This is all so so so so so so false. Video games are the funnest activity and most vibrant art form ever invented.
Personally I don't mind dating a gamer because I have my own hobbies and like to do them alone. I think it becomes a problem if they call out of work to game or if you only see each other once a week and they squeeze in "gaming with their boys" during that time or they take away time with their family for it. Maybe when you're 20 and have infinite time? I started bringing my laptop to work while my ex gamed because I'm not into it and at least I have something to do, but it's not ideal. I made the best of it. I used to game years ago and I wouldn't call it the funnest activity ever lol, but it's alright. As with anything, as long as it's balanced and not an addiction.
There's a big reason the gaming industry is bigger than every other entertainment industry combined. I don't ever feel the need to go on holiday abroad, because in 5 minutes time I can be on Mars punching demons into bloody paste, and back in time for bed. Let me know when "going travelling" can offer an experience that rivals that... I'm not going to wait because I'd die of old age in the process. The fact is, reality sucks, people are awful, stupid and cruel. Videogames allow us to go to places that you just can't do in real life, and on our terms.
Our 10 yr marriage anniversary spent on his live car racing events/ watching RUclips gaming playthrough videos. I was told not to bother putting on nice clothes because "don't bother, were not going anywhere special!" Just the weed store for him/ grocery store for ingredients for me to make him dinner while he slept.. I haven't gone anywhere in years .. He promised our day mattered to him as well, told me he made a bunch of plans when he lied again, & treated like I don't exist unless serving his needs. I feel so alone for years. First year of marriage he forced an abortion because he wasn't ready.. I had severe codependency issues he took advantage of as an avoidant, (also I am autistic, which trauma reexperiencing goes hand in hand), my family of origin was very toxic dynamic so neglect was "normalized"... Thais thank you for being you! 💌Fellow Canadian thanking you for making sense of his manipulative hot/ cold games, your videos👌
I had many of the same issues as you did, Heather. I didn't exist unless I was meeting my ex's needs and I was also from a family where neglect was normalized, so it didn't even register to me that what he was doing was neglect for ages.
@@decemberclouds Their conditional love based on performative hurts, it's how they were trained to be - so they groom us in the same way to have their needs met while neglecting their partner.. They put in minimal effort, for maximal reward. They expect us not to notice we are putting in all the work. When we do, & try to communicate, it is shirked off; or we are labeled negative for noticing, or trying anything different. They pick a person capable of taking care of them, to the point where we forget/ put off our own needs. Groomed to be their perfect caretaker. It's not your fault, you care - & that is beautiful✨ ..Working on putting my energy where it belongs, into myself now as I require, & deserve. Sending you love, & understanding 💌🤗
Did we date the same person? LOL But seriously, I have been here. Weed, food and video games were priority over not just me, but also his teenager. I mean give me a break. We all love our creature comforts, but can they honestly not see how this causes issues? Pretty much every woman my ex seriously dated fought with him over this, and THEY were gamers too!!
@@heathergreyart Thank you so much for your comment! Sending peace and love!! ♥
In my youth, I used to play games somewhat heavily, and being a loner and introverted, there was a sense of companionship and camaraderie. By the way, these were all single-player, non-internet games, many of which were CRPGs like Baldur's Gate II. I was whisked away to a place I'd rather be, with companions who had more personality than many a human. Parallel to this was my love, back then, of fantasy novels, particularly the Forgotten Realms. It was the same: taking me to a place full of wonder and adventure, with noble companions.
I don't really play any more, except on the rare occasion for nostalgia's sake. (Incidentally, my favourite is Half-Life 2, whose sense of atmosphere I appreciate.) But I think my fondness for science-fiction cinema carries some of that desire to go beyond reality, so to speak.
Baldur's Gate 2(and 1 and 3) is fantastic.
@@MattBarnes-r3c They are. I've got a copy of BG3 but haven't had a chance to give it a go yet.
Playing some video games were the best experiences of my life and outbeats any date I’ve been on with a guy
Thats pretty sad tho
Wow
Thais, This is so good. I think I speak for 90% of us, thank you so much for all the hard work time and effort you put into these videos
I have a DA friend who spends most of her nights playing video games until whenever, then complains that she woke up real tired; and prioritizes her online friends, that some of them have never even met her in person, over me, who's basically minutes away from her home. It's frustrating sometimes to hang out with her because she will spend a good chunk of that time talking to her Discord friends while pretending to "listen" to me when I'm talking, even after I tell her that it annoys me. It's too late for me to just give her an appropriate ultimatum, but to those who are starting to see the signals, let me warn you, it won't get better. If a person doesn't show the priorities you deserve, treat them in kind until there's no attachment left.
I want to first and foremost say that I've been a person who has played video games for over 30 years, well before I met my ex. I have a PS1, 2, 4, and 5, and a Switch so I love gaming.
So my ex's love of video games wasn't a problem, but the problem was it was just that gaming was all he did! He gamed from 7am - 1am on his days off. On his work days, it was often 6pm until bed time or if he had an urgent trophy to get, up until 1 or 2am, raging when he made mistakes and getting upset at me if I left the room if I was scared.
Ultimately in my situation, there was nothing I could do, and I just have to wish him the best.
I dated someone who had major rage while gaming years ago, esp if I did something better than him or defeated him.
@@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope Yikes, that's so scary!!
I love these new videos Thais. Thank you so much.
Here's good example of video games as not distracting. For me they are special interest. The difference is I'll play on my phone while my wife watches TV. I have no interest in the show. For me this a love language called parallel play. I want to be in her presence while we both enjoy our own things. This is an offshoot of the love language Quality Time.
So I play a lot of video games but I make time for date night too.
So this just showing a different reason people play video games as I can end playing them to late in the night too. If I'm in zone like that, time passes so fast and I don't notice. So if my wife pulls me out of it that's good thing for me. I don't like being pulled out as I start though.
Just though an real life example of no being avoidant and playing a lot of video games.
This is really, REALLY good advice
Attachment styles aside, playing video games all hours of the night into the morning can be dangerous. I had a neighbor whose son was at his girlfriend's house doing exactly that and was killed in a car accident on the way home because he fell asleep behind the wheel. This caused a lot of guilt and emotional pain from his girlfriend, as both of them had just graduated high school.
That said, I wonder if complacency is part of the problem here more than anything. Fifteen years is a long time to spend with someone who ignores you to play video games all day and night. Also, does he make money playing? I've known people who do and it's like a full time job working 40-60 hours a week (although I admit this is unlikely if he's playing with friends and playing all night). Having seen this in real time with several friends whose marriages ended because of it, it would be interesting to learn more information.
Anything done in excess is too much in my opinion. If you're doing something that's going to improve your life that's one thing, but spending hours a day on gaming sounds more like an addiction than a hobby.
@@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope I agree, this was definitely an addiction on his part. I know someone who has a similar addiction that send to be getting worse since he's getting divorced. I'm trying to get him to focus on other activities like the gym and fencing (something he studied in high school and college) and he seems to be headed in the right direction.
@@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g I hope so. I dated someone who had issues in every single relationship because of his gaming. He took it as if they were trying to control him but they were feeling neglected and alone in the relationship. One of them actually cheated on him, many times, and not that I would ever excuse cheating, but I can see why she did it. I asked him if he thought there was anything off or that could have been fixed before she cheated. He said that she kept asking for him to take her out on dates and he would tell her to just go by herself. She got to a point where she considered him a roommate, not a partner. He seriously didn't pay attention to any of it until the end when she kicked him out. It sounded brutal and he's still messed up from it years later, but the fact that he left her hanging in the relationship is relatable. Gaming wasn't an issue with us, but I didn't live with him either. I def felt neglected too though.
@@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope wow, scary thought! Yeah he clearly wasn't paying attention. Addiction can really check people out of life entirely.
@@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g it's so weird to me. I think video games are fun, but I can stop playing at any time. What kills me is that most gamers I know are potheads who live paycheck to paycheck struggling. We're in our 40's too!! Lol How could you possibly prioritize gaming in this economy? Lol
My bf in avoidant and he plays video games till late night 3AM. And he is praticing under a lawyer. He says that whenever he is more stressful he plays video games.
He has 2 phones. On one phone he put me in video call and on the other phone he plays video games for 3-4 hours. He doesn't even talk to me. When he took a short brake to eat food i was talking to him and he started to avoid me. I felt dishearted. 🥺
I know he was eating in front of me on video call but i just don't understand whenever i talk to him he remains quite or dont look at me at all.
I become so anxious i talked to him about it and said he can play but dont put me in call at that perticular time i can watch something in my phone. When we will be free we will talk.
I would honestly leave. This is who he is. 15 years is a long time to feel neglected by a partner and she's neglecting herself by staying. I happen to be extremely busy with a ton of friends and hobbies so gaming doesn't bother me a ton, but anyone addicted to anything is kind of a turn off. It shows no self-control. Esp when you pair endless weed with it. No thank you. I have an ex who ruined every relationship and many friendships over gaming including his own kid. It's really sad, but if someone can't game without occasionally putting the controller down, that's an issue.
Mines it was work and school, which was understandable. But basketball and alcohol also took priority over me as well..
this makes me sad but sort of relieved at the same time... mine plays video games CONSTANTLY. literally 12 hrs the other day... why do we accept this :(
What if our chances of finding a better partner are very low? Is it better to leave and be alone? E.g., as a middle-aged woman with a serious disability.
I would say yes. I feel way better being alone than lonely in a relationship.
As a severely disabled person myself, I personally regret staying in relationships where my needs weren't being met. I was very FA and didn't like to be alone. Now I am single for two years and I am soo much happier than with any partner. It was hard and scary at first but after a while I realised I'd rather never have a relationship again than being treated poorly. Your disability or age don't determine your value. And I know so many people that are mostly bedbound who found very kind and loving partners so it isn't impossible.
Video games is a non negotiable deal breaker for me. If a grown man has a console in their home there are no more dates moving forward. I’ve lived it and just… no.
💯
🎯
Better than someone who is obsessed with football games imo.
Amen to that!
💯 💯 💯
Cos play in the bedroom? Maybe? Get the “in the sheets” achievement. Needs met, then go for the daily 100 completion!
But isn't this sooo romantic, as Lala Rey sings?
He doesn't think it's a problem - Julie suggests therapy and he will laugh at her
Wish it was video games.. but it's her ex as her "bff"
Wow😂
No, he just likes video games. If you love him you will play with him. This is all so so so so so so false. Video games are the funnest activity and most vibrant art form ever invented.
Personally I don't mind dating a gamer because I have my own hobbies and like to do them alone. I think it becomes a problem if they call out of work to game or if you only see each other once a week and they squeeze in "gaming with their boys" during that time or they take away time with their family for it. Maybe when you're 20 and have infinite time? I started bringing my laptop to work while my ex gamed because I'm not into it and at least I have something to do, but it's not ideal. I made the best of it. I used to game years ago and I wouldn't call it the funnest activity ever lol, but it's alright. As with anything, as long as it's balanced and not an addiction.
There's a big reason the gaming industry is bigger than every other entertainment industry combined. I don't ever feel the need to go on holiday abroad, because in 5 minutes time I can be on Mars punching demons into bloody paste, and back in time for bed. Let me know when "going travelling" can offer an experience that rivals that... I'm not going to wait because I'd die of old age in the process. The fact is, reality sucks, people are awful, stupid and cruel. Videogames allow us to go to places that you just can't do in real life, and on our terms.
In moderation and not at the expense of the relationship.
Thank you so much. Ppl be really hating on video games for no reason. They have big iq with negative numbers😂
Grown men gaming is the end of society.
😂