The worst part about BPD is when you put someone on a pedestal and when they do something that goes against your expectations of them being "pure" and then you suddenly hate them. It's horrible. :(
The best way to avoid this is to put nobody on a pedestal ever again. You can really like someone, they can be a "ok person" but never perfect or always safe, since people are not objects to be put on a pedestal.
My gf broke up with me because her stepmom who is a mental health professional and she imformally diagnosed me. She says that i need to focus on my mental health and that its not healthy for either of us until i get stable. But everyday I split between being grateful that shes there for me and hating her four leaving me. Yesterday i kept calling her a heartless bitch and she blocked me and i immediately felt guilty and mean because I knew that I dont really hate her. Shes so supportive and it really hurts because I thought we were such a couple and now she's moving on and i cant. But i still want her in my life. I have my first appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow but how can i deal with this until i get into treatment?
For me, it’s not that I feel hate for the person when I split, or that I suddenly think they are an awful person. I just feel so, so angry at them when I think they are abandoning me/letting me down and I convince myself they aren’t this amazing person I thought they were. It’s not so much hate, but hurt and anger. Then, they’ll call/text me or do something that makes me instantly idealise them again. The rollercoaster is so intense, it makes me feel like sometimes it’s not worth letting people get so close. It hurts too much.
Absolutely. And for some reason right now, I'm struggling with it pretty badly. It's my husband, my daughter, my counselor, my friend. And this is so stressful for me, I hate feeling angry or sad, and so I wanna just run and hide in my bed and sleep the days away until I wake up one of the days and "feel better" or these awful feelings "lift"... I thought only people with DID "split"...
"I can't wait to find out why I'm going to eventually hate you in about three months or less." This thought goes through my mind when I first meet people who I instantly idealize.
I've noticed I tend to make Narcissists my favorite person so any time I meet someone and automatically feel that FP pull is just a GIANT red flag and 99% of the time I've been right and not just by a little bit
@TheSpirit AndTheBride then you must not spend a lot of time w/ the angels. Maybe you idolize them from a distance...because literally everyone will eventually let you down if you spend enough time w/ them. Sometimes I get nervous to meet celebrities that I idolize because nearly everytime I do, they do something to knock themselves off the pedestal that I placed them on.
What I have come to notice is that when I feel ‘betrayed’, the pain is so deep and crushing. I want the person to feel the same pain I feel and I do it by any means necessary. It sounds so malicious but I can say that it is true suffering inside of me. I feel like the person is a demon and therefore I say horrible things or ignore them, or behave in a certain way because I want them to feel what I feel.
You took the words right out of my mouth... I know this is an old comment but I just had to tell you that I feel the same way. Sometimes I feel like some type of mental Sadist in which I just want to psychologically torment and or verbally abuse someone if they "hurt" me or like you said feeling betrayed. I rarely really mean what I say I'm just really mad at the time... anyways I hope you're doing well and Thanks for your comment. 🙃
Totally Me! It’s a “trauma” over and over. I am not Always ‘quick’ to forgive but I usually do everyone but myself! Then the self beating and loathing starts. I’ve been in therapy at different times for close to 50 years!
I wish other therapist were like you. I’m a psych nurse and I have never heard a doctor speak in a caring manner towards a person with BPD. Wish you practiced in Virginia
When I was symptomatic BPD/Bipolar II and hospitalized over the years it was only the psych techs and the nurses like you who treated me and my fellow patients as people. Thank you, deeply and genuinely. I never lost my humanity in the worst times of my life because I was validated by people like you. I've been asymptomatic for years now (sub-criteria for BPD), due to the help of caring professionals; many doctors do not fall into that category but there are exceptional ones who do. I don't believe in God, but bless you.
I did it! Last weekend. Read my reply on this page. It was the first time I came out of that on top, last weekend. It's possible really. I didn't think so either. It's about mindfulness, I think. Self awareness, paying attention to our thoughts and not letting them own us but that we can control them. Best of luck to you Triveni! Keep on trying -Curtis Mayfield I will keep you in my prayers.
Yes there is hope my symptoms have dissipated since I had mentalised based therapy and challenging my thoughts and emotions which were so black and white. I try and live in the grey area and believe my emotions arent facts the only thing I still seem to attract is narcissist partners but I'm aware that mentalising isnt going to change their traits. Theres hope for everyone please dont give up. Self love acceptance understanding and being mindful of thoughts as much as possible is very helpful.
I was in the middle of having a huge crisis and about to split on my partner, I had an enormous urge to hurt myself but instead I just cried it out while I searched for some practical advice and then I came across this video. I'm 10 minutes in and you have no idea how much it's helping me right now. Just thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Yes. The videos are extremely helpful. Also good therapist might provide a lot of support and understanding. I remember some very powerful words from my therapist: “it’s very hard to love someone unconditionally.” It made me realize that I needed to not take personally my partner’s comments/behaviors and to work things out. I personally had been diagnosed with PTSD and talking with a therapist helps me understand my feelings and reasons behind my anxiety and fears.
Sadly my ex wasn't as awake and aware as you are, she was definitely splitting, and dumped me in my lowest point of a severe depression that obviously caused me to not "meet her expectations" anymore... I'm sad finding out about this now... 😥
@@Teddietonbear23 hi friend. We can ride this rollercoaster together ❤ I remember telling almost every person in my life at 1 point that the epitome of my mental health is that of a roller coaster with no STOP or SLOW and definatly no in- between. I feel your pain! My MOST shameful feeling is when i break down in front of my boys. My 9 year old knows too much about mental health for his age because of it. I feel so sad knowing that he sees me like this and has to understand that its not anyones fault. He even says things like "i know its ok mom it will be over soon "and " it's just your brain telling you stuff is bad, do u need to take your meds?" I thank God everyday that my oldest is so understanding and caring. I realy do know what its like! Reach out if you'd like to talk or even yell..i mean anything, i got you girl!
I find that its helpful when I'm idealizing someone to remind myself "They have flaws, and they make mistakes. I have dealt with their flaws. They're imperfect just like me and anyone else." And when I want to devalue them, I'm too emotional to think so I rely on old journal lists of their good qualities and the things they have done for me - I read those and it helps me get back to center.
reallyAZ nokidding same. It made me stop going to therapy because i would feel like they were secretly judging me and they way they spoke freaked me out
I completely agree with this. It's so much easier for me to hear him and view him as someone who wants to help me be a better person, rather than judging me and making me want to avoid being open with them, as others tend to do with listening about BPD
@@alegriart I have a question for you as for the others who have answered to my comment: Do you have some paranoia? Not as a diagnoses, but as an intermittent symptom of BPD.
@@kirbypopstar5807 I have a question for you as for the others who have answered to my comment: Do you have some paranoia? Not as a diagnoses, but as an intermittent symptom of BPD.
Yeah, I was surprised. A lot of therapeutic tips tend to come off silly to me or don't really suggest much. I thought this might actually be helpful, and I'm going to try it.
Splitting doesn't feel like a habit for me, it feels like I'm out of control and it just 'happens' in my head and I'm left confused and not even sure where to start in trying to make some sense out of it or actually figuring out what the grey is. But the way you explain things and the way you re-enforce hope makes me feel a lot better about it all
This is how I feel also but my therapist diagnosed me with ptsd I hate when I don't see any room for a grey area it seems impossible so I assume the worst then I found out my wife has memory issues via an illness made me wanna vomit
I know how that feels… something that helps me is to replay these situations back in my head like I’m watching a movie. Except instead of watching the external actions only, I include my inner monologue. This might mean you could benefit from mediation, or DBT so you can have more awareness and access to your inner monologue but I believe it’s possible to do even if you just start setting your intention to be aware. For example I ended up so upset I was crying tonight and felt like my body was on fire.. I hated God and I hated my boyfriend and the reasoning was because I took little things he did (like posting on Facebook instead of talking to me) as things he did “purposefully to hurt me”. That was mostly subconscious tho until a little bit ago… I had to replay the whole entire day- and try to find out why I was so angry at him. Maybe I might have some justification to be upset at him- but that’s not the same thing as him being all bad. I think DBT would help but if you can try to replay your thoughts and look for words like always, never or “only”. Only is a really sneaky one for me. “He only cares about his friends”. And then I caught that my brain split it in that moment, because that’s not really an accurate statement. So no, in the moment I didn’t know that’s what I was doing but now that I’m calmer I replayed and it remember thinking those words and I can see that’s what I did.
Thank you for this explanation. I was raised by a BPD mother and the constant splitting left me feeling very confused and insecure growing up. One day a friend or relative was great and the next day I was told not to trust them. Now I understand what was going on in my mother’s brain and brings me a small step closer to forgiving her.
Worst thing about BPD that the lack of the grey zone, you just wanna live life to extreme,love and be successful and be active , then you fall back to not getting out of your bed. you wanna hurt yourself but you are also obsessed with your body.
The splitting starts for me when my insecurities are triggered. Even just seeing someone or something on facebook will drive me to something like a splitting episode. I feel so much anger.
I read a quote that changed this for me: "Don't compare your behind the scenes to someone else's highlight reel." It helped put Life into a bit more perspective, and I got off FB for the very reason you state. I decided to live my own highlight reel, with behind the scenes bloopers. It's not all roses, but it's a lot less thorns.
Not everyone can afford competent therapy. Thanks for posting these videos, sir. The fact that they are free and you make them easy to understand is a great thing. You are helping a lot of people without a gimmick. It is hope-inspiring stuff. Thank you very much.
Just ordered 2 of your books. I'm 67 and you are finally making me understand what is wrong with me. I instinctively felt there was something more than depression going on with me. You've given me hope that I can change and heal.❤
I am one of those borderline patients who is trying so hard to see the gray, but still gets overwhelmed and falls back on old techniques. I just bought the workbook and I am seeing a DBT specialist. These videos give me the extra boost everyday.
You are the most comprehensive,respectful and sweet psychologist! As a BPD patient I can tell you one thing; watching the videos on your channel give me so much hope that Its possible for me to overcome this. Thankyou!
I was recently diagnosed with BPD. It's been rough, as no one outside of the medical community seems to know what this is. Your video was extremely helpful, as I didn't even realize I "split" several times a day, which send me either to super depression or barely contained rage. Thank you for making me aware of this, I will try to remember the chocolate grasshoppers of life :)
I'm a psych nurse and experience first hand how difficult it is to manage people with bpd, and see how hard it is to be them. There are not many people who offer DBT, so it is hard for them to obtain the therapy they so desperately need...of course when ready for it. They need hope and help! I thank you for your kind, respectful efforts!!!
I am diagnosed with BPD and it's very hard for everyone who suffer through it. We get this constant fear of being left out and abandon, we try to escape from reality sometimes. Sometimes whole world is against us suddenly, sometimes everything is all like heaven. It's hard our relationships get affected. It's not easy going through stress, anxiety, frustration, depression every single day. The splits i don't have words to express what I go through. It's really troublesome. (Just trying to say please take care of people you know that are going through BPD. Please it's really hard for us more hard than anyone else).
..."more hard than anyone else".... you don't know and many ppl would argue that. E.g. ppl on the other side. They're wounded ppl already, who chose to stay with someone with bpd. And then get wounded every day by the person with bpd, giving them their ALL. Just saying pls challenge your thought. Others suffer tremendously as well.
@@primsandwhims7533 It’s so ironic and sad that someone could be so afraid of abandonment and rejection that they will literally abandon and reject the people who actually love and care for them. They become the very thing they despise.
When I found out that I have BPD at age 50, I felt a kind of despair I have never felt before. Every morning I didn't want to wake up. Then I heard your voice, listened to your videos. You changed everything. Thank you.
Me too. It feels like being branded a demon. For so long I had suspicions that I had BPD but didn’t want to go down that rabbit hole and confirm it. It’s like finding out you are terminally ill. Why would you even want to know!? This channel changed everything for me. Other channels, like Dr Ramani’s, seem so intent on making our situation seem hopeless. I have made genuine progress since stumbling upon Dr Fox. He’s such a blessing.
I become very defensive, easily offended, resentful and depending who I am talking to, I may make some rude comment about some thing they like or have an interest in. It's possible, depending on how a person deals with me, I might explode into a violent screaming rage and things get broke and depending how mad I am, I might get in someone's face and scream at them and I have also been known to become extremely violent. It all really depends on how a person deals with me, if they want to try to have an argument with me and invalidate me, then I am more likely to become enraged and violent, but if they just talk to me and be assertive and not aggressive with me, it will end better, I probably won't be violent and I won't scream, I'll just talk about it, but I may get hung up on whatever it is that triggered me and I might talk about it a lot until I calm down but then when I calm down, whether I went into a full blown violent rage or just was simply being an angry jerk, I feel really bad and embarassed about it and then I become remorseful and some times really depressed. I hate living with this disorder because it's mentally and emotionally exhausting and I can only imagine how hard it can be for my family and loved ones to deal with me at times, there are a lot of times I hide it but I don't hide it well and during those times, I am real quiet, unfriendly, stoic and I come off as arrogant.
And it's an interesting time for me to answer that question, I am sorry that I Did not get back with you sooner because the question creates an answer that helps me understand myself. I am in a bit of an episode right now. I am playing the stoic card, but I smarted off to my wife a few minutes ago, I went and got cups of ice from the gas station because we got some soda from the store that isn't cold. Well, I got us all the same cup and she asked why I got those sizes and said she normally gets this one particular size and I shot back at her ''oooh I'm so sorry, would you like me to go right now and get you the one you want???" and though I was trying to mask my mood, I know there was sarcasm in my tone and it sounded a little patronizing, and at the moment, I don't feel any remorse for what I Said because my mind is telling me "That's just too bad, she should just shut her mouth and take what I gave her because I paid for it with my hard earned money, she could have gotten nothing at all!" and I wanted to say a lot more to her, I wanted to tell her off, but I kept it at that.
I was in therapy, I am not currently because my counselor quit and he was really the only one I Felt comfortable with, we were getting ready to start Dialectal Behavioral Therapy but then I called one day and they called me back and said he quit. I don't wish to see the other counselor out there, his style of counseling could get him screamed at by me.
I never really related to the whole "I hate you I love you" aspect of BPD. but then you said "mistakes feel intentional" and I went oh! that's why I have such a hard time forgiving people even when I acknowledge their apology and know they weren't coming from a malicious POV, and that's why I hold die hard grudges against people. my family gets annoyed that I "only listen to what I want to hear". I have the same attitude towards myself when I make mistakes, and it's soul crushing. and when someone meets my expectations, or they're someone who I want to be like, it's hard for me to see their flaws. because as far as I'm aware: if they have a personality trait that I like then they can't be a bad person, otherwise how would they have that trait? Thanks for the video Dr Fox, happy bpd awareness month!
Definitely! The "mistakes feel intentional" phrase is a TOTAL JEWEL! I probably let out an audible groan, followed by an, "Ahhhhaaa!". Thank you Dr. Fox and Oliver!
Same. I feel like when people do something hurtful, especially something very obviously unkind, I’m like... There’s no way you did that on accident. You don’t care about me and I can’t be around someone who could hurt me and treat me so carelessly. Smh.
wow.. i struggle with splitting and yet i cannot explain it to anyone.... it has been with me since i was very young. now, however, i finally have a place i can refer people to that makes sense and is not hurtful. thank you for talking about those of us who suffer with bpd like we are not LESS because of it... You are very appreciated
I thought that it was my benefit - I wouldn't make friends or even interact often with people that I split once as bad. I saw it as a mechanism that protected me from being hurt. And only now I realize it's not a good thing to do, it doesn't really help and I can lose a lot. Now I see that I even split my cats in some situations!
In the 12-Step community we often say "expectations are resentments waiting to happen." So many personality disorder traits plague people in early addiction recovery regardless of diagnosis. It seems to me to boil down to high sensitivity, taking everything personally, being full of shame, having past trauma, and making a lot of thinking errors when interpreting the actions of people around you.
Hello. I know this is an old post but I was watching this thinking about what has been so helpful for me,and it's the 12 step format of doing the inventory with a meta view of my behaviors. It was like the sun came out, forget a light coming on. It was like the scientific method, I had data and patterns that could be tested and could be proven again. Looking at the things I feared and resented, was basically a mirror. Let go, and it is what it is, the only thing I control is me. I perpetuate my misery if I've removed everything else. Even the cliches in the big book helped take me out of black and white thinking. Just so much value in a 10 dollar book, an hour a day for 2years, and being honest with total strangers was such a great ego tamer. I could go on. It saved my life from my self medicating and really helped me work with the professionals helping me too. It worked perfectly with DBT and SMART recovery. Is it really that perfect? No. I kind of outgrew the daily acute necessary reminder that we all struggle. Now I see everyone just doing what they can or will at that moment. Without judging them or judging how it affects me. I am 43,have BPD and have struggled until 2018. This is the most present and accepting I have ever been. I even had a break up and there was no scorched earth from either party. No terror at night crying that I'm horrible. Or he's horrible. Just "thank you for sharing this time with me and I hope you find what you are looking for." Cuz I know what it's like to wander and chase happy. Its not caught tho, it's welcomed and nurtured. All of that on my soapbox to say that early recovery looks like many, many, pages of the DSMs. The behaviors of BPD were just as hard to break as addiction. For me, it was addicting to be that unpredictable and people listening to me out of fear.. Jiminy cricket, once I saw in black and white what fear had done to me, I didn't want to inflict it on anyone else ever again if I can prevent it. It's actually pretty easy to treat others how I want to be treated since I am conveniently obsessed with getting hurt. LOL Now it's just a different level of awareness. Thankfully, it's none of my business what others think about me..
I have been trying to explain to my treatment team for years this exhausting severe anxiety into depression cycle. No one ever connected it to splitting (in my case, it’s more a love/neutral cycle, and I have many co-morbid diagnoses that contribute) As someone who has trouble expressing my feelings fully, thank you, Dr. Fox, for making me feel heard and worthy of recovery.
Some people associate emotions with water but I'm more like a Sprite Bottle. When someone shakes me, I can't open up real quickly otherwise I'll explode and go to jail.
It’s funny because mentally I believe in all things in moderation and I understand that there are always grey areas and that nothing is black and white. That’s why it was so hard for me to understand that my borderline disorder was causing me to see things such as people in black and white. I believe that it must be my emotional state that causes me to see things this way, so it’s possible that stopping to use the logical parts of our brain to overcome our emotional responses to situations might be helpful in understanding how we are taking things in.
Fussy Puss it’s crazy cuz I’m a huge critical thinker and can break anything down logically. But the emotional instability of bpd always leaves me unpredictable because it can, and in many instances does, override any logic in me.
Right? I used to pride myself on being able to find the good and bad in all people. But as I got older, i started splitting with the people close to me and eventually with other people. Its scary
I never realized how badly splitting effects me. It’s leaking into every part of my life. Friends, therapist, work. Thank you so much for explaining this. I started DBT and it’s almost like the feelings are too intense and I’m not feeling safe anywhere. Plus I used to rely on weed to get me through everything, so now that I’m fully sober everything is coming full force. Thanks so much for your videos.
I see splitting in people without BPD, but I see how I can do it in the extreme. I struggle with emotions towards people who are barely acquaintances. I'm struggling to see myself beyond my mental issues. You are very empathetic and it is appreciated.
The "bubble-bursting" analogy defined my life to a tee. I was running on all cylinders with anxiety through the roof, my co-workers were angels and my girlfriend was the devil. My girlfriend broke up with me, and the 'bubble burst, and everything split and my workplace became demons and my ex-girlfriend was the angel who abandoned me. She's working with me to overcome my diagnosis now, and I understand that she is flawed also, but I admire her resilience to care for a man she no longer can love (for her own good) and provide so much support.
Melanie Klein speaks a lot about splitting in children that have been neglected. It's usually caused by irregular parenting thus good parent/bad parent. I suffer with BPD traits and when I split I try to recognise that and start a series of self talk and self parenting. I'm a therapist and have done a lot of self work but when I'm really stressed, the BPD creeps back and then I have to stop and ask myself 'what is going on here Sarah'....I'm beginning to feel okay with grey, I never thought I'd ever reach that point, it takes a lot of work. It can be done and we can be successful.
Oh wow! I grew up exactly in that kind of household... NPD parent was bad, BPD parent was good. Thank you for posting about Melanie's books, I'll check them out.
Splitting is a way to get control of a situation when you feel powerless...good summary! -I've felt this so many times, it almost became natural in my way of thinking that I did it sometimes deliberately in hopes of "curing" it in that way.
Excellent video, and explanations. My GF is triggered into an anger episode by me when I am percieved as imperfect. The positive image might be if I’m talking about her and saying how beautiful she is or successful, but if I mention something she perceives as even slightly disparging, or negative, her reaction is as if I had physically slapped her, it’s overblown, exagerated, and there is an inappropriate overreaction. (AKA WWIII) One thing I have always noticed is her general view of life and how she describes things. She praises things using superlatives, a meal is not just great, it’s the best of all time. Similar, with bad things, if the meal was slightly bad, it would be “awful”. Your, explanation of how this “splitting” emerges into toxicity is spot on. If thing are perceived as even slightly bad, to them it’s off the charts horrible, and deserving of an (inappropriate) reaction. Unfortunately, we live in a grey world, these issues come up every day, even every hour. As the partner, it put’s a stess on me that is unhealthy. Also, she belives her world view is perfectly appropriate, and even wonders why I’m not the same way.
@@suzannemistretta9275 Just remember that it's not the trigger that's important; it's the feelings. People with BPD need to have their feelings validated. When they feel like their feelings are not being taken seriously or being dismissed entirely, that's when you get a full-blown temper tantrum.
@@eatanotherzio6811 That would probably be mutually beneficial. Also, I strongly urge you to distance yourself from actual children, so that they don't become rotten before they've had a chance to ripen.
I learned that I did splitting when I made a mistake and did something I think is horrible. I couldnt bring myself to forgive myself even though the other person forvage me... until i slowly learned to put myself in that grey. And i started to see others in that grey too as i forgave mistakes over the years.
I find this true. If one keep labelling themselves as their disorder it can be hard to improve and be healed. You are what you believe yourself to be. Personally, instead of always remembering my disorders or other illnesses; i tend to see myself as another human being who is overcoming anything that comes between my potential to be a better version of me. Thus making the illness smaller and i knew i have more power than it. Whenever it seemed to overwhelm me i would just remind myself of the hundreds of books i have read or the speeches i have heard to elevate that emotions. Because i know that i do not want negative thoughts to dwell in me. And i have the wisdom to see the reality of things as it is. To be honest compassion and much empathy for others can help one change that thoughts. I am not speaking for everyone that has this or other disorders. What i am sharing is this method and mindset has worked for me. I hope to see all of us get better; having been there a while now myself.
What does it mean when you idealize someone, but then when you feel betrayed or humiliated by them, you split off, but instead of demonizing them you blame and shame yourself for inevitably losing them? It’s like you feel yourself spiraling into the pattern but can’t stop it from happening…
This video has been so helpful. Thank you so much. I can relate to most of the comments too. I feel far less alone, and less like a damaged, hopeless, unlovable freak. Thank you to all of you too for your articulate, insightful comments. Stay strong. We can do this!
I don’t like talking about it because the dark side gets pitch black. I either like you or despise you and since I’m going to hate you eventually I don’t get close to anyone. Then I feel guilty for not responding to my loved ones, well people who supposedly love me. It’s too complex
I think the thing is, because I do the same. I don't think there's anything wrong with looking at things to be all good or all bad for certain things. But it definitely helps to say, have the other option where you speak in allowing yourself to think "Which things do I feel I can look at as all grey?" I know it feels disgusting to enter into the mindset of "The world is gray." For instance, 80% of the time my boyfriend's good to me. The other percentage of the time when I'm perceiving threats I want to freak out leave him, kill myself, whatever else. And kill myself for revenge against him. But I know that if I can ride out that moment of my missed perception, that I'll get back to the 80% which he is good to me most of the time. it's not fair to punish him as though he never does anything good when he's good to me 80% of the time but the 20% is my perceived rejection or abandonment that is actually off on my judgment in the first place. It doesn't mean that I accept that the behavior is okay. it means I'm going to allow things to settle and process so that I can understand all perspectives get his perspective, think rationally, etc. I know how hard it is to do. I think what we have to do is see both sides to things. Say, "Okay I see this in black and white, but what's the gray side of it today?" you're giving yourself options because you're not rejecting a black and white, but you're just seeing what the gray side of it might be.
I struggle, very much so, to reconcile feelings of hatred & feelings of love (for example, I frequently grapple internally with feelings of intense cynicism & misanthropy, but also a simultaneous love for humanity & unwavering belief that people are inherently good). It's exhausting, & weirdly painful, kind of like my heart's being constricted by the intensity of the conflicting beliefs & my inability to tolerate them.
I have not been diagnosed with BPD. But I have good thoughts about people. I just don't have the feelings. Good ie bad. This gives me alot of peace. Thank you
Everything you said is exactly how I feel! I see you commented 2 years ago, just wondering how you are feeling now 2/2022? Have you learned to manage these conflicting feelings? I am personally struggling, but hopeful to get better.. Blessings
You just explained my BPD better in 17 minutes, than my therapist did in years 🤔. I still struggle with splitting, but I do realize that some behaviors have improved. I am trying to be more self-aware and combat it before it occurs.
Thank you for making these videos. You must know how insanely inaccessible therapy is all around the world, and videos like these are my best shot at recovery. It almost feels like the medical system (im from ireland) gatekeeps methods in which I could recover and it feels like a cruel joke, so once again, thank you!
I've watched several videos by Dr. Fox and have found them very insightful. I have worked on my BPD for 10 years now and found mindfulness techniques helped me greatly. I have learned to de-escalate my extreme anger emotions with positive self-talk. I take a time out from the situation and feel those raw emotions until I can start to look at what happened and try understanding where the other person is coming from. Sometimes people are just jerks and instead of hurting them I walk away and vent to a support person. I think getting older (so much older) has mellowed me somewhat too. Thanks Dr. Fox for your insights!
i wish i cud afford therapy, your great. im almost 50 years old and i dont know if i will ever feel "normal" , with a midlife crisis added to bpd, im just feeling really broken. thx for your videos.
At one time I could not afford therapy and I found that Social Services had sliding scale pmts I could afford. The payments were like 10.00. Maybe you could check near you to see if that would be a help to you. Later my circumstances changed so know life can change and things become better. I think getting therapy helped in my circumstances getting better. Best wishes!
I can’t believe how much you understand what we go through. It’s like you have BPD. Thank you for your devotion to borderlines. You actually don’t see us as a lost cause. Unfortunately, I couldn’t watch the whole video. I’m just not there yet. But I’ll continue to watch your videos. It just helps to know that you care. I feel validated.
One of the best episodes about BPD. "Splitting" is the main feature of this disorder. It's the source of rage, nonsensical accusations and the whole drama that these patients create.
Very much appreciate this video and hope it helps those on both sides of BPD. As a former partner of someone with BPD, splitting episodes can be bewildering and excruciating when you end up being “the baby thrown out with the bath water”. I tried to share with my partner that life usually isn’t only black or white, and that my hope was that we could meet and support each other “in the gray”. I was unsuccessful and the relationship crumbled amidst knee-jerk reactions and black/white thinking. My codependency fed the beast, as did my own abandonment issues. But I appreciate the kind and deliberate way you’ve explained the dynamic, and hope people on both sides find the healing they deserve.
Me and my wife both suffer from BPD, as does my mother. Navigating the relationships between the three of us since my dad died last year and we become more a part of her daily life is proving quite the challenge. Despite having the same disorder we do not speak the same language all the time, and often misinterpret one another and overreact, and we communicate very ineffectively sometimes. Emotions are high and anything that can help us to learn to talk to one another and to see things and each other clearer is a gift, so thank you. I will be sharing what I learn here with the both of them as we all three continue our healing and growing journey.
I wish I had this information earlier. Mental health can be very scary when we don’t know what to expect from those suffering a disorder; the way is portrayed by the media is usually very negative, which makes it so easy for us to just walk away from those who are in need of our support... I really like the way you present mental health topics. It shows your compassion. Thank you for all your hard work. Your videos had helped me in so many ways.
I'm not sure how much of BPD is in me but I can certainly relate to a lot of what you say. Also - thank you SO much for being patient and kind with those symptoms, they really are a burden on my soul but I'm trying my best to learn and do better. So what I've now realized and unfortunately this gets overlooked in so many aspects of life - the splitting with yourself is *the* worst part and the most important one too. Because you treat others how you treat yourself. And I noticed how I switch towards myself and how compassion is much needed. Thank you to everyone in the comment section and thank you very much, Mr. Fox! :)
This is the first time on youtube I see a caring psychologist just giving people all the information they need especially for those who can not afford therapy and even trying to guide us and calm us down. Thank you for your video.
Dr. Fox explains these concepts in accessible language for clients and clinicians; his caring nature also comes through in his patience and care in explaining these ideas. This is an example of how conceptualizing psychological terms in a meaningful way can be helpful for clients in making necessary behavioral changes.
Wow thank you for explaining. I’ve been trying to practice radical acceptance but it was extremely challenging. I realize I couldn’t accept my traumas and people because of the splitting. There’s people in my life that I feel could do no wrong and I’ll make excuses for them. Then, a friend or family member can do something I feel is bad and I can turn cold or strongly dislike them and it’s hard for me to like them again. I have to accept that my expectations of others and myself is self-destructive, we’re all individual humans who make mistakes and do what they think is best or right, and it’s not my job to judge, I can either accept or give myself more anxiety. I recently just started ignoring or blocking people but I am learning that’s self-destructive too. I am ready to challenge myself. Feels comforting to see others are willing to as well, we are all fighters.
I was so excited to find these videos and from such a compassionate doctor. I feel judged many times by people and even therapists. I finally realized about a year ago that I had all the symptoms of bpd and after years of only being diagnosed with general and social anxiety disorders. I begged almost for the psychiatrist to see why I believed I had most all symptoms I read about. I cannot remember a childhood event or neglect,etc to make me have this. However, 7 years ago my husband moved out while I was at work and had filed divorce. I was devastated. I am not sure if this could have caused it. I felt this is when I remember most bpd symptoms coming about. I have since had relationship that have ended because of my fear of abandonment. I have been remarried now for 4 months and I feel the jealousy and fear of abandonment again. He thinks I should just be able to 'stop' feeling what I am because it's not rational. I can't get him to understand that I do not yet know how to stop it when I feel my heart racing and my mind going s million miles an hour. I so long for help and knowledge of my disorder.
Its very comforting that there is a professional that treats us and talks to us like we are normal people and acknowledges the sheer pain that we go thru everyday of our lives. Most people hear "borderline personality disorder" and run the opposite direction from us. The stigma is insanely bad. Thank you, Dr. Fox for seeing us as the hurting people that we are, yet showing compassion and kindness to us. I was in remission for several years. I worked so hard to get my behaviors under control. About 2 years ago, i experienced some trauma and my bpd came roaring in again. I just keep to myself and dont talk to people or go out in public so that i dont interact with people so my bpd stays hidden
Though she has been dead for 25 years I'm still trying to reconcile my BPD cluster mother's motivations for all my childhood experiences since learning and coming to understand this and her other disorders. I am grateful for your clarification as this is refining my understanding of the innumerable things she found absolutely intolerable about me, her only same sex child. I'm so impressed to learn there are people with this difficult struggle who want to get healthier and I applaud them for their courage to do so.
This channel is beyond helpful. Dr. Fox is so caring and easy to understand. I am confused as to if im experiencing cognitive dissonance or am I experiencing splitting? I am the all bad / scapegoat in my family of origin. My family really messed up my use of my instincts and I dont know if my gut feelings ie intuition is off or not. Coming from an emtionally abusive childhood and into adulthood and getting into bad relationships and their gaslighting and lieing all the time idk what to say. Its so hard to explain. Alls i know is i am grateful to you tube. Lots of links , videos out there with lots of great info. Thanks.
I totally understand your comment, it's like you described my life lol!! It's so fuckin confusing and frustrating but hopefully TODAY will be good. One day at a time lol hope all is well
I had the same childhood and it took fighting for my kids for me to realize I was not the impaired one. You are perfect as you are and you need to take your power back, people like to bring one down when they see that they have more potential for impact than they do. And I believe you have lots of potential to do great things and help lots of people! That’s why things like this always happen to us. We are warriors! 🤗
Splitting is torturous I use to split up to 200 times a day total nightmare that time in my life it took roughly 6 years of intense therapy to put my bpd in remission
You touched the "tip" of the iceberg lol Its SO much more than that when you are dealing with Borderline 😁 It's a whole other personality that takes over as a defense mechanism and for those who "emesh" themselves into the other, they literally feel pain when they have to cut the ties and be separate again. Very sad cycle...
Ya same Look up gwc or grown wounded child …same with me my false self aka protector personality ..formerly a sub self comes out as major personality ..he comes if I’ve felt hurt betrayed etc n he is disastrous to people jobs family etc but is keeping me safe from physical harm smh but is causing it now just my experience
I have hope for my BPD because of you Dr. Fox (this is not coming from a splitting/idealisation place). I'm 35 and your videos are a million times better than years of expensive therapy. Thank you. You save my relationship every day as I come and remind myself things by watching your videos again. You're a trustworthy compass - which is the lifeline a BPD needs but can not find in this world. For the first time in my life I will order something online - your books. If I've found a healing mechanism (you) and I don't make full use of it, I will only have myself to blame. Thank you for your work, dedication, understanding, balance, gentleness, encouragement, in a field that's misunderstood and avoided by many therapists. "Difficult" as they call it. Blessings to you.
I really feel like I have BPD, I'm already being treated for depression and anxiety but I now suspect that a lot of those symptoms may actually be stemming from BPD. I see my doctor again in a month, and I'm going to bring this up because I see a LOT of myself in these descriptions
Dr. Fox, no matter how far I progress with BPD, or how many books I study, your lessons prove helpful regardless. Thank you for the book recommendation of Hard to Love, this proved quite helpful. Developing the emotional intelligence in any area has proven challenging, but as I progress in one area, so I can progress in others. We appreciate your work.
I'm so glad this is out there. I have just begun therapy and after 4 sessions I've learned that I most likely have BPD as I knock all 9 symptoms out of the park and they've reoccurred my whole life. Splitting and abandonment are 2 of my biggest issues that I want to tackle. Saving this video to come back to and will definitely be looking into more on this channel.
This really helped me assess myself and take the time to ask myself why I do this and where it started from and all of that. For me I use this mostly with relationships. I've LOVED people because of what they did and how they acted towards me, then I would become obsessed over them and feel like they were the one. This could finally be it this could be my soulmate. After a few days have passed I start seeing the minor things they do as gestures of them not being interested in me anymore or them not caring, when in reality theyre just being themselves living their life and I realized now that someone who says they like you, in their right mind, wont just push you away after a few days like I do. Anyhow, so In my mind I would take these minor average normal things they did and wrote them off as the person must be using me they must hate me or not like me at all, everything they said was a lie and then I would just plain out ignore them. I would avoid them at all costs, cold turkey. I dont want to waste anymore time or heart with this person so they can hurt me more. I end up feeling emotionally exhausted and trying to find someone new because it hurts my self esteem and I want that attention to prove to myself im not boring people wont get tired of me and such. In conclusion, during this video I decided its best to start a journal and start writing about my feelings and why I do things and where I come from because I also feel like I don't know myself, I feel like an empty shell at my worst and I think doing this will help me clear the way for myself to make sense of myself and understand myself. I have that mentality sometimes where I dont care about my emotions, like if something were to make me sad i would say 'you deserve it' or 'just get over it' and I just brush it off and thats Why I always disliked the idea of keeping a journal of my thoughts and feelings because to me they dont matter because I feel like nobody cares and what's the point? But I feel like finally doing so is a step in the right direction. Its finally time to help myself because I want to know why I am this way. Thank you so much for making this video :)
I really appreciate you covering these varied topics regarding BPD. I've been working through my issues for 20 years but (now that it's mostly healed) only self-diagnosed with BPD in the last month. It's nice that your videos address the disorder from all of these different angles. It allows me to see, "Oh, that's what I'm doing." It shows me areas where to focus my attention both in the present but, more importantly, in my clarifying and processing of my past and repressed emotions.
This video brought to light an interesting breakthrough in my understanding of how my mind works and responds to relationship triggers. I have a tendency to cognitively distort experiences into all good and all bad, and I recognize that. I realize that I also do the same thing with people, but I often deny that I do it. Because when I experience splitting, my emotions feel so accurate that it is difficult to reason otherwise. So I am going to challenge myself to find gray areas within my relationship paradigms and also use a more inclusive spectrum of relationship and conflict assessments.
I just realized I have this today, such a relief to understand what’s wrong and that I’m not alone, but also such a hard pill to swallow and makes me a bit scared. But I love your logical and positive reasoning, it resonates with me a lot. Will try DBT soon, thank you very much. You may just have saved me years of my life if not all of it, glad to find your channel at 24 and not later ahah❤️ big love
I dont know if anyone feels the same but sometimes when I watch some of your videos dr fox, I get scared. It brings all of these things I never took seriously to light and it really just makes me feel like tackling all this is alot harder than I initially thought I still find myself denying my disorder because I hate how it affects my life and I just wish It could go away
Dr Fox, I've been watching your videos from Italy. I really wanna thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge, I really appreciate your videos, words and suggestions! I studied psychology, and graduate with success. I always suffered with a deep anxiety disorder and right now I started realizing that I may fit with BPD. I recognize myself in many aspects of the disorder, specially splitting, being impulsive and empty most of the time, like I can never feel better, or happy, even when I reach the results I wanted. It's like a rollercoaster, I keep on changing my mind about who I want to be, what job is the right one for.me.. I graduate, I did my practice and then lost lots of opportunities, changing work completely, starting a new one that requires a lot of study and efforts, and all this because I was unhappy, and I thought that changing work would have made me happy... But this didn't happen, and I keep on wondering what to do with my life, what can I do to be happy and satisfied. Sorry for the long and maybe senseless letter I wrote you. I just needed sharing maybe. Anyway thank you for your videos, they are very helpful and informative.
To hardtoconcentrate: my husband is exactly like that! When he changes his mind about what he wants he expects me to go along with him, and on one issue in particular, which would be a life changing result, I didn't go along with him, now been more than 10 yrs, he keeps holding it against me. He seems to get better but when he gets over tired or high stress it all starts again with him becoming distant and have a tendency to rage. All thru the yrs he has wanted something and when he gets it, it's not long until he's miserable. And, all because of this one thing I did not go along with(which was selling our house) he repeats over and over again "you've never supported me" which is bs there is that one thing I didn't go along with it is the "all thing" the sum total of me, which is the the black and white thing.When he has a meltdown, he goes bazzerk breaking things screaming horrible names to me, and it can be as simple as not being able to get the setting right on our movie channel to watch a movie he wants to see. At this point I am just beaten down.
For me, it's not, "this person is all bad", it's, "this person won't listen to me" "this person will hurt me," "this person can't be trusted." It's a reflection that we don't trust ourselves, because we had to give up our integrity in order to love our caregivers. We see trouble where others don't, because we had to see it coming a mile away. Others are willing to risk trouble to get what they want. We can't risk it, because it's traumatizing. If we heal the initial trauma, we won't resist it so much, but we're not wrong about the danger.
I am a pwQBPD and I really appreciate these videos. I am learning so much, and I am determined to "shed my skin" and grow beyond BPD. This video in particular spoke to me because I have always had problems with splitting -- all or nothing thinking, black or white, good or evil, love or hate, but nothing in between. Thank you Dr. Fox for all you do. You are changing my life. Hugs.
I think its amazing that you are speaking to the people who are dealing with doing this to other people and helping them to figure out what is going on . I have been listening to a few different of your talks and - thank you .
I've been diagnosed with bpd for over 2 years now and no one has ever told me this! the therapist tries to make me calm at different situations. but being told that splitting is actually the problem is so important
I work at a psychiatric community residence, we had a client with borderline personality traits and it was common for her to see the staff as all good or all bad. What I've noticed about borderline personality traits is that the splitting occurs alongside a number of other cognitive processes, and oftentimes can be difficult to recognize. Very informative video, thank you.
I have used splitting for as long as I can remember but this is the first time I actually was able to clearly recognize it, I only recently found your channel but have become very impressed how well you explain and can relate with, thank you for your content. I start clinical therapy next week to start helping me with my adhd type 2/bpd cluster b symptoms. I'm starting to develop a better understanding of myself and it's an incredible weight being lifted, mind you I still spend periods of every week feeling like I'm trapped in my own head and don't even have the ambition to eat for days at a time but hey.... a better understanding never hurt any situation 😅😃
Thank you for explaining this well. You were sympathetic to BPD other youtube drs bash us and make videos warning people of us like were monsters. so thank you for helping BPD people in a constructive manner.
Everyone talks about how horrible it is for the people suffering with BPD, but what about how horrible it is for the people that are in the relationship with a person with BPD. I have experienced two “friendships” with people that have BPD & both of these people abused me. Experiencing what I went through with these two individuals has depleted my spirit. These people lure you in with their over giving, & nurturing side…once your close to them…everything is extreme…your always wrong, & their always right…they utilize manipulation tactics to lie about you saying things like your “harassing” them when your merely expressing yourself…it’s their need for control…they bully their way in communication…trying to push you down by belittling you…so they can have the upper hand…your left feeling so hurt, & depleted by their abuse…I learned not to discuss certain topics of conversation to appease them, & it would avoid the extreme fight…extreme conflict…or their verbal abuse of them beating me down with their verbally abusive tactics. I have helped, helped, & helped these kind of people to the detriment of my being…& I will NEVER do this again…at what cost? My mental, & physical health…these people are irrational, they insult your integrity, & one of them escalated to physically assaulting me…them having an entitlement expression…them believing it’s okay that they physically put hands on me because I was the one that was harassing them…expressing yourself is not harassment…that’s their need for control…I will NEVER have another “friendship” with a person that has an untreated mental illness…but especially when I find out they have BPD I will keep my arms length with these sick individuals, & I will only be an acquaintance with them…the “splitting” yes…after all your time investing & being committed to these people…they will gaslight you accusing you of harassment…or accusing you of their abuse. The abuse I have endured by them for a prolonged period of time, & all the years I have wasted on these sick individuals is not okay….it has broken my spirit
I have been learning to do this. When I get really scared I say to myself, they are just thoughts. Let’s try to focus on what makes me feel good and accept those thoughts and let them pass and not give them my focus and energy
The worst part about BPD is when you put someone on a pedestal and when they do something that goes against your expectations of them being "pure" and then you suddenly hate them. It's horrible. :(
This is a critical part of the splitting mechanism. Try the strategies suggested to help. Be well.
The best way to avoid this is to put nobody on a pedestal ever again. You can really like someone, they can be a "ok person" but never perfect or always safe, since people are not objects to be put on a pedestal.
I've split with my favorite cat, middle school teacher, husband, I think by kids, and I'm pretty sure...God. I find this devastating.
My gf broke up with me because her stepmom who is a mental health professional and she imformally diagnosed me. She says that i need to focus on my mental health and that its not healthy for either of us until i get stable. But everyday I split between being grateful that shes there for me and hating her four leaving me. Yesterday i kept calling her a heartless bitch and she blocked me and i immediately felt guilty and mean because I knew that I dont really hate her. Shes so supportive and it really hurts because I thought we were such a couple and now she's moving on and i cant. But i still want her in my life. I have my first appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow but how can i deal with this until i get into treatment?
Gntlplaces thank you. I love Jesus. I wish I didn't also hate him 😨😭😭😭😭🤦🏻♀️
For me, it’s not that I feel hate for the person when I split, or that I suddenly think they are an awful person. I just feel so, so angry at them when I think they are abandoning me/letting me down and I convince myself they aren’t this amazing person I thought they were. It’s not so much hate, but hurt and anger. Then, they’ll call/text me or do something that makes me instantly idealise them again. The rollercoaster is so intense, it makes me feel like sometimes it’s not worth letting people get so close. It hurts too much.
I can completely relate! I’m so sorry you have to struggle with this. Wishing you all the best in healing. Thank you for sharing!
I feel this
Yes exactly! Well said! 💯 Bullseye 🎯
Itsthe way over the top tjst is why it's so painful his wife us BPD . I didnt rwalyze it u til today.
Let go.
I didn’t know it was called splitting but I cut people off easily and would rather be alone
Same.
I’m just now learning the term. Hence all my researching.
@@carolinagirl7 Same here. I thought I had paranoia but now I’m found myself relating to splitting more.
Like wise I had no idea bout BPD pretty sure I have it
Absolutely. And for some reason right now, I'm struggling with it pretty badly. It's my husband, my daughter, my counselor, my friend. And this is so stressful for me, I hate feeling angry or sad, and so I wanna just run and hide in my bed and sleep the days away until I wake up one of the days and "feel better" or these awful feelings "lift"... I thought only people with DID "split"...
I must be split all the time.
"I can't wait to find out why I'm going to eventually hate you in about three months or less." This thought goes through my mind when I first meet people who I instantly idealize.
I understand this entirely.
true 👍 ✔
I've noticed I tend to make Narcissists my favorite person so any time I meet someone and automatically feel that FP pull is just a GIANT red flag and 99% of the time I've been right and not just by a little bit
LMFAO
@TheSpirit AndTheBride then you must not spend a lot of time w/ the angels. Maybe you idolize them from a distance...because literally everyone will eventually let you down if you spend enough time w/ them. Sometimes I get nervous to meet celebrities that I idolize because nearly everytime I do, they do something to knock themselves off the pedestal that I placed them on.
What I have come to notice is that when I feel ‘betrayed’, the pain is so deep and crushing.
I want the person to feel the same pain I feel and I do it by any means necessary. It sounds so malicious but I can say that it is true suffering inside of me. I feel like the person is a demon and therefore I say horrible things or ignore them, or behave in a certain way because I want them to feel what I feel.
You took the words right out of my mouth... I know this is an old comment but I just had to tell you that I feel the same way. Sometimes I feel like some type of mental Sadist in which I just want to psychologically torment and or verbally abuse someone if they "hurt" me or like you said feeling betrayed. I rarely really mean what I say I'm just really mad at the time... anyways I hope you're doing well and Thanks for your comment. 🙃
@@spacesage533 can you just not be verbally abusive? Like walk away and manage your anger & drive to hurt and/or punish?
@@EMILYHERRERA lol
@@EMILYHERRERA it's a symptom of the disorder. Takes a long time to change behaviors.
Totally Me! It’s a “trauma” over and over. I am not Always ‘quick’ to forgive but I usually do everyone but myself! Then the self beating and loathing starts. I’ve been in therapy at different times for close to 50 years!
I wish other therapist were like you. I’m a psych nurse and I have never heard a doctor speak in a caring manner towards a person with BPD. Wish you practiced in Virginia
Dr Blaise Aguirre is an angel of empathy- and intelligence!!!
DeviantMotives true
When I was symptomatic BPD/Bipolar II and hospitalized over the years it was only the psych techs and the nurses like you who treated me and my fellow patients as people.
Thank you, deeply and genuinely. I never lost my humanity in the worst times of my life because I was validated by people like you.
I've been asymptomatic for years now (sub-criteria for BPD), due to the help of caring professionals; many doctors do not fall into that category but there are exceptional ones who do.
I don't believe in God, but bless you.
He can just be a manipulative narcissist. You don't know.
I've actuary been cussed out by nurses in psych wards. Told me to behave like I am a child. So it's refreshing to see a nurse who gets it.
"you can grow beyond splitting' how hopeful the sentence is
Well yeah, you're supposed to. 1,2 now go to 3
I did it! Last weekend. Read my reply on this page. It was the first time I came out of that on top, last weekend. It's possible really. I didn't think so either. It's about mindfulness, I think. Self awareness, paying attention to our thoughts and not letting them own us but that we can control them. Best of luck to you Triveni! Keep on trying -Curtis Mayfield I will keep you in my prayers.
Yes there is hope my symptoms have dissipated since I had mentalised based therapy and challenging my thoughts and emotions which were so black and white. I try and live in the grey area and believe my emotions arent facts the only thing I still seem to attract is narcissist partners but I'm aware that mentalising isnt going to change their traits. Theres hope for everyone please dont give up. Self love acceptance understanding and being mindful of thoughts as much as possible is very helpful.
Something we can shed like a skin 😊
I've partially accomplished this
I was in the middle of having a huge crisis and about to split on my partner, I had an enormous urge to hurt myself but instead I just cried it out while I searched for some practical advice and then I came across this video. I'm 10 minutes in and you have no idea how much it's helping me right now. Just thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
+Blanca •。* that’s terrific that YOU took control. Great job!!
Yes. The videos are extremely helpful. Also good therapist might provide a lot of support and understanding.
I remember some very powerful words from my therapist: “it’s very hard to love someone unconditionally.” It made me realize that I needed to not take personally my partner’s comments/behaviors and to work things out. I personally had been diagnosed with PTSD and talking with a therapist helps me understand my feelings and reasons behind my anxiety and fears.
Blanca •。* it’s horrible isn’t it. I’m a rollercoaster 🎢 up and down. I hate myself for my kids seeing me like this 😢
Sadly my ex wasn't as awake and aware as you are, she was definitely splitting, and dumped me in my lowest point of a severe depression that obviously caused me to not "meet her expectations" anymore... I'm sad finding out about this now... 😥
@@Teddietonbear23 hi friend. We can ride this rollercoaster together ❤
I remember telling almost every person in my life at 1 point that the epitome of my mental health is that of a roller coaster with no STOP or SLOW and definatly no in- between. I feel your pain! My MOST shameful feeling is when i break down in front of my boys. My 9 year old knows too much about mental health for his age because of it. I feel so sad knowing that he sees me like this and has to understand that its not anyones fault. He even says things like "i know its ok mom it will be over soon "and " it's just your brain telling you stuff is bad, do u need to take your meds?" I thank God everyday that my oldest is so understanding and caring. I realy do know what its like! Reach out if you'd like to talk or even yell..i mean anything, i got you girl!
I find that its helpful when I'm idealizing someone to remind myself "They have flaws, and they make mistakes. I have dealt with their flaws. They're imperfect just like me and anyone else." And when I want to devalue them, I'm too emotional to think so I rely on old journal lists of their good qualities and the things they have done for me - I read those and it helps me get back to center.
I’m going to have to try this. Thank you!!
Wow I’m amazed by your self awareness! Thank you so much for sharing….
I should try doing this...
@TheSpirit AndTheBride different things work for different people. have you found anything particularly helpful to you?
Thank you
When I get mad at someone or feel they've done me wrongly, I just erase myself from their life. It's easier than any kind of conflict with them.
Isnt that self destructive?
yes
I think I did the same?
Also because you cannot deal with a trauma induced ego?
We also don't need to ADD to the trauma?
I appreciate your tone and being non-judgemental.
It helps me listen and not tune you out.
Wow, SERIOUSLY!!! I can't even pay attention to someone if they have a condescending or hostile tone. This video is awesome.
reallyAZ nokidding same. It made me stop going to therapy because i would feel like they were secretly judging me and they way they spoke freaked me out
I completely agree with this. It's so much easier for me to hear him and view him as someone who wants to help me be a better person, rather than judging me and making me want to avoid being open with them, as others tend to do with listening about BPD
@@alegriart I have a question for you as for the others who have answered to my comment:
Do you have some paranoia? Not as a diagnoses, but as an intermittent symptom of BPD.
@@kirbypopstar5807 I have a question for you as for the others who have answered to my comment:
Do you have some paranoia? Not as a diagnoses, but as an intermittent symptom of BPD.
This is the first professional I've found to actually breakdown USEFUL steps to manage splitting
Yeah, I was surprised. A lot of therapeutic tips tend to come off silly to me or don't really suggest much. I thought this might actually be helpful, and I'm going to try it.
Splitting doesn't feel like a habit for me, it feels like I'm out of control and it just 'happens' in my head and I'm left confused and not even sure where to start in trying to make some sense out of it or actually figuring out what the grey is. But the way you explain things and the way you re-enforce hope makes me feel a lot better about it all
This is how I feel also but my therapist diagnosed me with ptsd I hate when I don't see any room for a grey area it seems impossible so I assume the worst then I found out my wife has memory issues via an illness made me wanna vomit
I know how that feels… something that helps me is to replay these situations back in my head like I’m watching a movie. Except instead of watching the external actions only, I include my inner monologue. This might mean you could benefit from mediation, or DBT so you can have more awareness and access to your inner monologue but I believe it’s possible to do even if you just start setting your intention to be aware. For example I ended up so upset I was crying tonight and felt like my body was on fire.. I hated God and I hated my boyfriend and the reasoning was because I took little things he did (like posting on Facebook instead of talking to me) as things he did “purposefully to hurt me”. That was mostly subconscious tho until a little bit ago… I had to replay the whole entire day- and try to find out why I was so angry at him. Maybe I might have some justification to be upset at him- but that’s not the same thing as him being all bad. I think DBT would help but if you can try to replay your thoughts and look for words like always, never or “only”. Only is a really sneaky one for me. “He only cares about his friends”. And then I caught that my brain split it in that moment, because that’s not really an accurate statement. So no, in the moment I didn’t know that’s what I was doing but now that I’m calmer I replayed and it remember thinking those words and I can see that’s what I did.
Can heavily relate to that
I feel the same way, I feel out of control when it happens
@@MissAttitude-m9d me too!
Brain is a roller coaster regardless what I try I’m still locked into the track
Thank you for this explanation. I was raised by a BPD mother and the constant splitting left me feeling very confused and insecure growing up. One day a friend or relative was great and the next day I was told not to trust them. Now I understand what was going on in my mother’s brain and brings me a small step closer to forgiving her.
Thank you for your comment it’s helping me to as a mother be more mindful and aware of how my views affect my son.
Worst thing about BPD that the lack of the grey zone, you just wanna live life to extreme,love and be successful and be active , then you fall back to not getting out of your bed. you wanna hurt yourself but you are also obsessed with your body.
i swear man 😢
The splitting starts for me when my insecurities are triggered. Even just seeing someone or something on facebook will drive me to something like a splitting episode. I feel so much anger.
facebook is built around insecurity. Its trains and promostes that kind of thinking
I'm the same.
I had to get off fb for that very reason 4-5 years ago.
I've definitely minimised my social media use because of this
I read a quote that changed this for me: "Don't compare your behind the scenes to someone else's highlight reel." It helped put Life into a bit more perspective, and I got off FB for the very reason you state. I decided to live my own highlight reel, with behind the scenes bloopers. It's not all roses, but it's a lot less thorns.
Not everyone can afford competent therapy. Thanks for posting these videos, sir. The fact that they are free and you make them easy to understand is a great thing. You are helping a lot of people without a gimmick. It is hope-inspiring stuff. Thank you very much.
I don't have close relationships anymore (intimate or otherwise) because I've learned not to inflict myself on anyone - on a long term basis....
..same here!
I understand.
I just want to runaway and left alone
This is so spot on, it is poetry in it's accuracy!
Yup I can relate 100%
Just ordered 2 of your books. I'm 67 and you are finally making me understand what is wrong with me. I instinctively felt there was something more than depression going on with me. You've given me hope that I can change and heal.❤
I'm 57, and same!
53... Ditto
52 and currently trying to take this in hand finally understanding what was going on all these years. Wishing you all your best recovery and healing.
64 and undiagnosed for 30 years. We got this!
That’s amazing of you
I am one of those borderline patients who is trying so hard to see the gray, but still gets overwhelmed and falls back on old techniques. I just bought the workbook and I am seeing a DBT specialist. These videos give me the extra boost everyday.
You are the most comprehensive,respectful and sweet psychologist! As a BPD patient I can tell you one thing; watching the videos on your channel give me so much hope that Its possible for me to overcome this. Thankyou!
Karen Alvarez thank you so much and you can grow beyond this!!!
@@DrDanielFox thank you
@karen how're you right now?
I was recently diagnosed with BPD. It's been rough, as no one outside of the medical community seems to know what this is. Your video was extremely helpful, as I didn't even realize I "split" several times a day, which send me either to super depression or barely contained rage. Thank you for making me aware of this, I will try to remember the chocolate grasshoppers of life :)
Broken Wings you aren't alone.
You are not alone
I feel you have been diagnosed also with bpd you are not alone
I hope you are having a good journey with your treatment :) I wish you a lot of luck
@@purenkool2024 You seems to understand about psychology a lot.
I'm a psych nurse and experience first hand how difficult it is to manage people with bpd, and see how hard it is to be them. There are not many people who offer DBT, so it is hard for them to obtain the therapy they so desperately need...of course when ready for it. They need hope and help! I thank you for your kind, respectful efforts!!!
Thank you for such a kind comment!!
Thank you for being a kind person
I bought a DBT. Book from Amazon as I was tired of feeling like this I want to change
@@Noname-hs5lx ayye my name sake 👏🏽
I am diagnosed with BPD and it's very hard for everyone who suffer through it. We get this constant fear of being left out and abandon, we try to escape from reality sometimes. Sometimes whole world is against us suddenly, sometimes everything is all like heaven. It's hard our relationships get affected. It's not easy going through stress, anxiety, frustration, depression every single day. The splits i don't have words to express what I go through. It's really troublesome. (Just trying to say please take care of people you know that are going through BPD. Please it's really hard for us more hard than anyone else).
It sucks 😕 😪
Hugs
It's harder on the codependent they chose to leave for dead.
..."more hard than anyone else".... you don't know and many ppl would argue that. E.g. ppl on the other side. They're wounded ppl already, who chose to stay with someone with bpd. And then get wounded every day by the person with bpd, giving them their ALL. Just saying pls challenge your thought. Others suffer tremendously as well.
@@primsandwhims7533 It’s so ironic and sad that someone could be so afraid of abandonment and rejection that they will literally abandon and reject the people who actually love and care for them. They become the very thing they despise.
When I found out that I have BPD at age 50, I felt a kind of despair I have never felt before. Every morning I didn't want to wake up. Then I heard your voice, listened to your videos. You changed everything. Thank you.
Me too. It feels like being branded a demon. For so long I had suspicions that I had BPD but didn’t want to go down that rabbit hole and confirm it. It’s like finding out you are terminally ill. Why would you even want to know!? This channel changed everything for me. Other channels, like Dr Ramani’s, seem so intent on making our situation seem hopeless. I have made genuine progress since stumbling upon Dr Fox. He’s such a blessing.
I'm actually in a bpd rage as I am watching this video and it has helped me calm down a little.
Jake Roe what happens during the bpd rage?
I become very defensive, easily offended, resentful and depending who I am talking to, I may make some rude comment about some thing they like or have an interest in. It's possible, depending on how a person deals with me, I might explode into a violent screaming rage and things get broke and depending how mad I am, I might get in someone's face and scream at them and I have also been known to become extremely violent. It all really depends on how a person deals with me, if they want to try to have an argument with me and invalidate me, then I am more likely to become enraged and violent, but if they just talk to me and be assertive and not aggressive with me, it will end better, I probably won't be violent and I won't scream, I'll just talk about it, but I may get hung up on whatever it is that triggered me and I might talk about it a lot until I calm down but then when I calm down, whether I went into a full blown violent rage or just was simply being an angry jerk, I feel really bad and embarassed about it and then I become remorseful and some times really depressed. I hate living with this disorder because it's mentally and emotionally exhausting and I can only imagine how hard it can be for my family and loved ones to deal with me at times, there are a lot of times I hide it but I don't hide it well and during those times, I am real quiet, unfriendly, stoic and I come off as arrogant.
And it's an interesting time for me to answer that question, I am sorry that I Did not get back with you sooner because the question creates an answer that helps me understand myself. I am in a bit of an episode right now. I am playing the stoic card, but I smarted off to my wife a few minutes ago, I went and got cups of ice from the gas station because we got some soda from the store that isn't cold. Well, I got us all the same cup and she asked why I got those sizes and said she normally gets this one particular size and I shot back at her ''oooh I'm so sorry, would you like me to go right now and get you the one you want???" and though I was trying to mask my mood, I know there was sarcasm in my tone and it sounded a little patronizing, and at the moment, I don't feel any remorse for what I Said because my mind is telling me "That's just too bad, she should just shut her mouth and take what I gave her because I paid for it with my hard earned money, she could have gotten nothing at all!" and I wanted to say a lot more to her, I wanted to tell her off, but I kept it at that.
I was in therapy, I am not currently because my counselor quit and he was really the only one I Felt comfortable with, we were getting ready to start Dialectal Behavioral Therapy but then I called one day and they called me back and said he quit. I don't wish to see the other counselor out there, his style of counseling could get him screamed at by me.
Deeply so sorry. But u know Jesus christ absolutely loves you
I never really related to the whole "I hate you I love you" aspect of BPD. but then you said "mistakes feel intentional" and I went oh! that's why I have such a hard time forgiving people even when I acknowledge their apology and know they weren't coming from a malicious POV, and that's why I hold die hard grudges against people.
my family gets annoyed that I "only listen to what I want to hear". I have the same attitude towards myself when I make mistakes, and it's soul crushing.
and when someone meets my expectations, or they're someone who I want to be like, it's hard for me to see their flaws. because as far as I'm aware: if they have a personality trait that I like then they can't be a bad person, otherwise how would they have that trait? Thanks for the video Dr Fox, happy bpd awareness month!
oliver I feel the same!!!! Even if I know they weren’t trying to do something bad to me it’s just hard to stop being bitter about it.
Holy shit you put it in words!!!
Definitely! The "mistakes feel intentional" phrase is a TOTAL JEWEL! I probably let out an audible groan, followed by an, "Ahhhhaaa!". Thank you Dr. Fox and Oliver!
Same. I feel like when people do something hurtful, especially something very obviously unkind, I’m like...
There’s no way you did that on accident. You don’t care about me and I can’t be around someone who could hurt me and treat me so carelessly. Smh.
bpd is a spectrum! even if u can’t relate to a symptom that most do that does not mean ur struggles are invalid!! stay strong :)
wow.. i struggle with splitting and yet i cannot explain it to anyone.... it has been with me since i was very young. now, however, i finally have a place i can refer people to that makes sense and is not hurtful. thank you for talking about those of us who suffer with bpd like we are not LESS because of it... You are very appreciated
You're welcome!!
I thought that it was my benefit - I wouldn't make friends or even interact often with people that I split once as bad. I saw it as a mechanism that protected me from being hurt. And only now I realize it's not a good thing to do, it doesn't really help and I can lose a lot. Now I see that I even split my cats in some situations!
In the 12-Step community we often say "expectations are resentments waiting to happen." So many personality disorder traits plague people in early addiction recovery regardless of diagnosis. It seems to me to boil down to high sensitivity, taking everything personally, being full of shame, having past trauma, and making a lot of thinking errors when interpreting the actions of people around you.
Hello. I know this is an old post but I was watching this thinking about what has been so helpful for me,and it's the 12 step format of doing the inventory with a meta view of my behaviors. It was like the sun came out, forget a light coming on. It was like the scientific method, I had data and patterns that could be tested and could be proven again. Looking at the things I feared and resented, was basically a mirror. Let go, and it is what it is, the only thing I control is me. I perpetuate my misery if I've removed everything else. Even the cliches in the big book helped take me out of black and white thinking. Just so much value in a 10 dollar book, an hour a day for 2years, and being honest with total strangers was such a great ego tamer. I could go on. It saved my life from my self medicating and really helped me work with the professionals helping me too. It worked perfectly with DBT and SMART recovery. Is it really that perfect? No. I kind of outgrew the daily acute necessary reminder that we all struggle. Now I see everyone just doing what they can or will at that moment. Without judging them or judging how it affects me. I am 43,have BPD and have struggled until 2018. This is the most present and accepting I have ever been. I even had a break up and there was no scorched earth from either party. No terror at night crying that I'm horrible. Or he's horrible. Just "thank you for sharing this time with me and I hope you find what you are looking for." Cuz I know what it's like to wander and chase happy. Its not caught tho, it's welcomed and nurtured.
All of that on my soapbox to say that early recovery looks like many, many, pages of the DSMs. The behaviors of BPD were just as hard to break as addiction. For me, it was addicting to be that unpredictable and people listening to me out of fear..
Jiminy cricket, once I saw in black and white what fear had done to me, I didn't want to inflict it on anyone else ever again if I can prevent it. It's actually pretty easy to treat others how I want to be treated since I am conveniently obsessed with getting hurt. LOL Now it's just a different level of awareness. Thankfully, it's none of my business what others think about me..
I have been trying to explain to my treatment team for years this exhausting severe anxiety into depression cycle. No one ever connected it to splitting (in my case, it’s more a love/neutral cycle, and I have many co-morbid diagnoses that contribute) As someone who has trouble expressing my feelings fully, thank you, Dr. Fox, for making me feel heard and worthy of recovery.
That’s exactly how I feel wow 😳 I always felt out of control
I still believe my feelings are being ignored.
Thank you so much I just ordered both your books
Some people associate emotions with water but I'm more like a Sprite Bottle. When someone shakes me, I can't open up real quickly otherwise I'll explode and go to jail.
God example and insight, use it to control your reactions.
Thank you for putting in words how I feel and how people react to my unintentional actions/words.
Bro....word.
I did this. I already exploded and went to jail. I don't understand why my emotions are like this.
@@tamaralanoie2799 the word of God is the only thing that can heal you - read it
Thank you so much for the respectful way that you address BPD... I wish you were in Utah...
I wish I could afford him!!!!
Me too
Michael Ashtar - may be you do... 😏
No splitting allowed!!! 😉
@ trista ballard ...you and me both wish he where here
Plenty of abuse in Utah i'd say.
It’s funny because mentally I believe in all things in moderation and I understand that there are always grey areas and that nothing is black and white. That’s why it was so hard for me to understand that my borderline disorder was causing me to see things such as people in black and white. I believe that it must be my emotional state that causes me to see things this way, so it’s possible that stopping to use the logical parts of our brain to overcome our emotional responses to situations might be helpful in understanding how we are taking things in.
Fussy Puss it’s crazy cuz I’m a huge critical thinker and can break anything down logically. But the emotional instability of bpd always leaves me unpredictable because it can, and in many instances does, override any logic in me.
Right? I used to pride myself on being able to find the good and bad in all people. But as I got older, i started splitting with the people close to me and eventually with other people. Its scary
You can reprogram your DNA..its called Epigenetics. Look up Bruce Lipton & Dr.Joe Dispenza..n then gut brain connection for foods. Be well☉
@@mindyours666 emotons are our triggers ..reminders..
right? I think it take hard work to observe oneself and tune into presence. Be well.
I never realized how badly splitting effects me. It’s leaking into every part of my life. Friends, therapist, work. Thank you so much for explaining this. I started DBT and it’s almost like the feelings are too intense and I’m not feeling safe anywhere. Plus I used to rely on weed to get me through everything, so now that I’m fully sober everything is coming full force. Thanks so much for your videos.
This has me in tears never has it been explained so beautifully nor has it ever made this much sense thank you
I see splitting in people without BPD, but I see how I can do it in the extreme. I struggle with emotions towards people who are barely acquaintances. I'm struggling to see myself beyond my mental issues.
You are very empathetic and it is appreciated.
❤
The "bubble-bursting" analogy defined my life to a tee. I was running on all cylinders with anxiety through the roof, my co-workers were angels and my girlfriend was the devil. My girlfriend broke up with me, and the 'bubble burst, and everything split and my workplace became demons and my ex-girlfriend was the angel who abandoned me.
She's working with me to overcome my diagnosis now, and I understand that she is flawed also, but I admire her resilience to care for a man she no longer can love (for her own good) and provide so much support.
Brad, You are one lucky man to have such a genuine friend. Keep her around for life.
I asked my guy friend to do the same and he said okay. Idk if he will but I hope he does soon before I think he hates me and I take it out on myself
When I split it happens so fast that I don’t see it coming and by then it’s too late to control but I’m getting better.
I know this is years later but I'm proud of you for coming here and trying to get better and you're beautiful
@@woolzem Thank you 😊 I have since been diagnosed with adhd and after a long study with it my whole makes complete sense to me.
Me as well !! I recognise the problem but have to wait till it is gone
Melanie Klein speaks a lot about splitting in children that have been neglected. It's usually caused by irregular parenting thus good parent/bad parent. I suffer with BPD traits and when I split I try to recognise that and start a series of self talk and self parenting.
I'm a therapist and have done a lot of self work but when I'm really stressed, the BPD creeps back and then I have to stop and ask myself 'what is going on here Sarah'....I'm beginning to feel okay with grey, I never thought I'd ever reach that point, it takes a lot of work. It can be done and we can be successful.
Oh wow! I grew up exactly in that kind of household... NPD parent was bad, BPD parent was good. Thank you for posting about Melanie's books, I'll check them out.
Splitting is a way to get control of a situation when you feel powerless...good summary! -I've felt this so many times, it almost became natural in my way of thinking that I did it sometimes deliberately in hopes of "curing" it in that way.
That is clever!
Excellent video, and explanations. My GF is triggered into an anger episode by me when I am percieved as imperfect. The positive image might be if I’m talking about her and saying how beautiful she is or successful, but if I mention something she perceives as even slightly disparging, or negative, her reaction is as if I had physically slapped her, it’s overblown, exagerated, and there is an inappropriate overreaction. (AKA WWIII) One thing I have always noticed is her general view of life and how she describes things. She praises things using superlatives, a meal is not just great, it’s the best of all time. Similar, with bad things, if the meal was slightly bad, it would be “awful”. Your, explanation of how this “splitting” emerges into toxicity is spot on. If thing are perceived as even slightly bad, to them it’s off the charts horrible, and deserving of an (inappropriate) reaction. Unfortunately, we live in a grey world, these issues come up every day, even every hour. As the partner, it put’s a stess on me that is unhealthy. Also, she belives her world view is perfectly appropriate, and even wonders why I’m not the same way.
I can relate completely. They will flip out over something ridiculous.
@@suzannemistretta9275 Just remember that it's not the trigger that's important; it's the feelings. People with BPD need to have their feelings validated. When they feel like their feelings are not being taken seriously or being dismissed entirely, that's when you get a full-blown temper tantrum.
@@user-kb8qw7dy4t Then they should be treated like children and ditched
@@eatanotherzio6811 That would probably be mutually beneficial. Also, I strongly urge you to distance yourself from actual children, so that they don't become rotten before they've had a chance to ripen.
@@user-kb8qw7dy4t Yeah, right? Talk about setting up the next generation for CPTSD
I learned that I did splitting when I made a mistake and did something I think is horrible. I couldnt bring myself to forgive myself even though the other person forvage me... until i slowly learned to put myself in that grey. And i started to see others in that grey too as i forgave mistakes over the years.
I find this true. If one keep labelling themselves as their disorder it can be hard to improve and be healed. You are what you believe yourself to be. Personally, instead of always remembering my disorders or other illnesses; i tend to see myself as another human being who is overcoming anything that comes between my potential to be a better version of me. Thus making the illness smaller and i knew i have more power than it. Whenever it seemed to overwhelm me i would just remind myself of the hundreds of books i have read or the speeches i have heard to elevate that emotions. Because i know that i do not want negative thoughts to dwell in me. And i have the wisdom to see the reality of things as it is. To be honest compassion and much empathy for others can help one change that thoughts. I am not speaking for everyone that has this or other disorders. What i am sharing is this method and mindset has worked for me. I hope to see all of us get better; having been there a while now myself.
I can relate to everything you wrote. :)
💛
Wonderful
thanks girl
What does it mean when you idealize someone, but then when you feel betrayed or humiliated by them, you split off, but instead of demonizing them you blame and shame yourself for inevitably losing them? It’s like you feel yourself spiraling into the pattern but can’t stop it from happening…
This video has been so helpful. Thank you so much. I can relate to most of the comments too. I feel far less alone, and less like a damaged, hopeless, unlovable freak. Thank you to all of you too for your articulate, insightful comments. Stay strong. We can do this!
I don’t like talking about it because the dark side gets pitch black. I either like you or despise you and since I’m going to hate you eventually I don’t get close to anyone. Then I feel guilty for not responding to my loved ones, well people who supposedly love me. It’s too complex
I think the thing is, because I do the same. I don't think there's anything wrong with looking at things to be all good or all bad for certain things. But it definitely helps to say, have the other option where you speak in allowing yourself to think "Which things do I feel I can look at as all grey?" I know it feels disgusting to enter into the mindset of "The world is gray."
For instance, 80% of the time my boyfriend's good to me. The other percentage of the time when I'm perceiving threats I want to freak out leave him, kill myself, whatever else. And kill myself for revenge against him. But I know that if I can ride out that moment of my missed perception, that I'll get back to the 80% which he is good to me most of the time. it's not fair to punish him as though he never does anything good when he's good to me 80% of the time but the 20% is my perceived rejection or abandonment that is actually off on my judgment in the first place. It doesn't mean that I accept that the behavior is okay. it means I'm going to allow things to settle and process so that I can understand all perspectives get his perspective, think rationally, etc.
I know how hard it is to do. I think what we have to do is see both sides to things. Say, "Okay I see this in black and white, but what's the gray side of it today?" you're giving yourself options because you're not rejecting a black and white, but you're just seeing what the gray side of it might be.
Fuck, I feel this so deep
@American Tiger fuck borderlines
I hate when my exgf turned bestfriend (thanks bpd) points out that I'm splitting.
@@deetgrogstin people with borderline personality disorder along with the other 3 cluster b PD deserve to be executed.
I struggle, very much so, to reconcile feelings of hatred & feelings of love (for example, I frequently grapple internally with feelings of intense cynicism & misanthropy, but also a simultaneous love for humanity & unwavering belief that people are inherently good). It's exhausting, & weirdly painful, kind of like my heart's being constricted by the intensity of the conflicting beliefs & my inability to tolerate them.
There’s more to this that no doctor or therapist can tell you. Your fighting in the spiritual world. Want to or not . Your a warrior.
I have not been diagnosed with BPD. But I have good thoughts about people. I just don't have the feelings. Good ie bad. This gives me alot of peace. Thank you
Everything you said is exactly how I feel! I see you commented 2 years ago, just wondering how you are feeling now 2/2022? Have you learned to manage these conflicting feelings? I am personally struggling, but hopeful to get better.. Blessings
You just explained my BPD better in 17 minutes, than my therapist did in years 🤔. I still struggle with splitting, but I do realize that some behaviors have improved. I am trying to be more self-aware and combat it before it occurs.
Thank you for making these videos. You must know how insanely inaccessible therapy is all around the world, and videos like these are my best shot at recovery. It almost feels like the medical system (im from ireland) gatekeeps methods in which I could recover and it feels like a cruel joke, so once again, thank you!
❤
I've watched several videos by Dr. Fox and have found them very insightful. I have worked on my BPD for 10 years now and found mindfulness techniques helped me greatly. I have learned to de-escalate my extreme anger emotions with positive self-talk. I take a time out from the situation and feel those raw emotions until I can start to look at what happened and try understanding where the other person is coming from. Sometimes people are just jerks and instead of hurting them I walk away and vent to a support person. I think getting older (so much older) has mellowed me somewhat too. Thanks Dr. Fox for your insights!
i wish i cud afford therapy, your great. im almost 50 years old and i dont know if i will ever feel "normal" , with a midlife crisis added to bpd, im just feeling really broken. thx for your videos.
You're welcome and I'd encourage you to define your own "normal". None of us are "normal" and we're not sure what that means. You be you :)
I feel exactly the same,
At one time I could not afford therapy and I found that Social Services had sliding scale pmts I could afford.
The payments were like 10.00.
Maybe you could check near you to see if that would be a help to you.
Later my circumstances changed so know life can change and things become better.
I think getting therapy helped in my circumstances getting better.
Best wishes!
I can’t believe how much you understand what we go through. It’s like you have BPD. Thank you for your devotion to borderlines. You actually don’t see us as a lost cause. Unfortunately, I couldn’t watch the whole video. I’m just not there yet. But I’ll continue to watch your videos. It just helps to know that you care. I feel validated.
he does have bpd
One of the best episodes about BPD. "Splitting" is the main feature of this disorder. It's the source of rage, nonsensical accusations and the whole drama that these patients create.
Very much appreciate this video and hope it helps those on both sides of BPD. As a former partner of someone with BPD, splitting episodes can be bewildering and excruciating when you end up being “the baby thrown out with the bath water”. I tried to share with my partner that life usually isn’t only black or white, and that my hope was that we could meet and support each other “in the gray”. I was unsuccessful and the relationship crumbled amidst knee-jerk reactions and black/white thinking. My codependency fed the beast, as did my own abandonment issues. But I appreciate the kind and deliberate way you’ve explained the dynamic, and hope people on both sides find the healing they deserve.
Me and my wife both suffer from BPD, as does my mother. Navigating the relationships between the three of us since my dad died last year and we become more a part of her daily life is proving quite the challenge. Despite having the same disorder we do not speak the same language all the time, and often misinterpret one another and overreact, and we communicate very ineffectively sometimes. Emotions are high and anything that can help us to learn to talk to one another and to see things and each other clearer is a gift, so thank you. I will be sharing what I learn here with the both of them as we all three continue our healing and growing journey.
I wish I had this information earlier. Mental health can be very scary when we don’t know what to expect from those suffering a disorder; the way is portrayed by the media is usually very negative, which makes it so easy for us to just walk away from those who are in need of our support...
I really like the way you present mental health topics. It shows your compassion. Thank you for all your hard work. Your videos had helped me in so many ways.
I'm not sure how much of BPD is in me but I can certainly relate to a lot of what you say. Also - thank you SO much for being patient and kind with those symptoms, they really are a burden on my soul but I'm trying my best to learn and do better.
So what I've now realized and unfortunately this gets overlooked in so many aspects of life - the splitting with yourself is *the* worst part and the most important one too. Because you treat others how you treat yourself. And I noticed how I switch towards myself and how compassion is much needed. Thank you to everyone in the comment section and thank you very much, Mr. Fox! :)
This is the first time on youtube I see a caring psychologist just giving people all the information they need especially for those who can not afford therapy and even trying to guide us and calm us down. Thank you for your video.
Yes i agree....he is the only one that makes a lot of videos in bpd and talks to help people...
You have a very comforting way of explaining what is very uncomfortable
I've just been diagnosed with BPD and your videos are honestly helping me so much in understanding it. Thank you for your time and knowledge.
Sergei Vasilliev your comment is so kind and it’s exactly why I do what I do. Thank you!!!
I am with you. 🌹
Dr. Fox explains these concepts in accessible language for clients and clinicians; his caring nature also comes through in his patience and care in explaining these ideas. This is an example of how conceptualizing psychological terms in a meaningful way can be helpful for clients in making necessary behavioral changes.
Chocolate metaphor just changed my whole perspective!
Sarah P
How about chocolate covered roaches. They will definitely say all bad, I hope.
Someday I hope I can shed my BPD skin and emerge a better version of myself, this video has given me hope, thank you
Ou absolutely can. I’m living proof of it and I had behavior of a textbook borderline. We do recover 🥰🥰✨✨✨✨
Wow thank you for explaining. I’ve been trying to practice radical acceptance but it was extremely challenging. I realize I couldn’t accept my traumas and people because of the splitting. There’s people in my life that I feel could do no wrong and I’ll make excuses for them. Then, a friend or family member can do something I feel is bad and I can turn cold or strongly dislike them and it’s hard for me to like them again. I have to accept that my expectations of others and myself is self-destructive, we’re all individual humans who make mistakes and do what they think is best or right, and it’s not my job to judge, I can either accept or give myself more anxiety.
I recently just started ignoring or blocking people but I am learning that’s self-destructive too. I am ready to challenge myself. Feels comforting to see others are willing to as well, we are all fighters.
Your gentle and graceful speech is soothing to someone who suffers like me. A gift...a tremendous gift today
I just heard "I love chocolate. I use a lot of chocolate." and decided I loved you.
(But not nearly as much as I love chocolate.)
I was so excited to find these videos and from such a compassionate doctor. I feel judged many times by people and even therapists. I finally realized about a year ago that I had all the symptoms of bpd and after years of only being diagnosed with general and social anxiety disorders. I begged almost for the psychiatrist to see why I believed I had most all symptoms I read about. I cannot remember a childhood event or neglect,etc to make me have this. However, 7 years ago my husband moved out while I was at work and had filed divorce. I was devastated. I am not sure if this could have caused it. I felt this is when I remember most bpd symptoms coming about. I have since had relationship that have ended because of my fear of abandonment. I have been remarried now for 4 months and I feel the jealousy and fear of abandonment again. He thinks I should just be able to 'stop' feeling what I am because it's not rational. I can't get him to understand that I do not yet know how to stop it when I feel my heart racing and my mind going s million miles an hour. I so long for help and knowledge of my disorder.
Its very comforting that there is a professional that treats us and talks to us like we are normal people and acknowledges the sheer pain that we go thru everyday of our lives. Most people hear "borderline personality disorder" and run the opposite direction from us. The stigma is insanely bad.
Thank you, Dr. Fox for seeing us as the hurting people that we are, yet showing compassion and kindness to us.
I was in remission for several years. I worked so hard to get my behaviors under control. About 2 years ago, i experienced some trauma and my bpd came roaring in again. I just keep to myself and dont talk to people or go out in public so that i dont interact with people so my bpd stays hidden
Though she has been dead for 25 years I'm still trying to reconcile my BPD cluster mother's motivations for all my childhood experiences since learning and coming to understand this and her other disorders. I am grateful for your clarification as this is refining my understanding of the innumerable things she found absolutely intolerable about me, her only same sex child. I'm so impressed to learn there are people with this difficult struggle who want to get healthier and I applaud them for their courage to do so.
This channel is beyond helpful. Dr. Fox is so caring and easy to understand. I am confused as to if im experiencing cognitive dissonance or am I experiencing splitting? I am the all bad / scapegoat in my family of origin. My family really messed up my use of my instincts and I dont know if my gut feelings ie intuition is off or not. Coming from an emtionally abusive childhood and into adulthood and getting into bad relationships and their gaslighting and lieing all the time idk what to say. Its so hard to explain. Alls i know is i am grateful to you tube. Lots of links , videos out there with lots of great info. Thanks.
I totally understand your comment, it's like you described my life lol!! It's so fuckin confusing and frustrating but hopefully TODAY will be good. One day at a time lol hope all is well
Watch Lisa a Romano too. She knows, and there is hope!
I had the same childhood and it took fighting for my kids for me to realize I was not the impaired one. You are perfect as you are and you need to take your power back, people like to bring one down when they see that they have more potential for impact than they do. And I believe you have lots of potential to do great things and help lots of people! That’s why things like this always happen to us. We are warriors! 🤗
Splitting is torturous I use to split up to 200 times a day total nightmare that time in my life it took roughly 6 years of intense therapy to put my bpd in remission
You give me hope.
Thnx it gets better it just takes time :)
How are you doing today
@@Chrisstarpromo rose has left the building lol
You touched the "tip" of the iceberg lol
Its SO much more than that when you are dealing with Borderline 😁
It's a whole other personality that takes over as a defense mechanism and for those who "emesh" themselves into the other, they literally feel pain when they have to cut the ties and be separate again. Very sad cycle...
It’s a living hell to deal with. (For all involved)….
@@thislittlethingcalledlifea8586 no 👎
Ya same Look up gwc or grown wounded child …same with me my false self aka protector personality ..formerly a sub self comes out as major personality ..he comes if I’ve felt hurt betrayed etc n he is disastrous to people jobs family etc but is keeping me safe from physical harm smh but is causing it now just my experience
I have hope for my BPD because of you Dr. Fox (this is not coming from a splitting/idealisation place). I'm 35 and your videos are a million times better than years of expensive therapy. Thank you. You save my relationship every day as I come and remind myself things by watching your videos again. You're a trustworthy compass - which is the lifeline a BPD needs but can not find in this world. For the first time in my life I will order something online - your books. If I've found a healing mechanism (you) and I don't make full use of it, I will only have myself to blame. Thank you for your work, dedication, understanding, balance, gentleness, encouragement, in a field that's misunderstood and avoided by many therapists. "Difficult" as they call it. Blessings to you.
Hi, did the books help?
Use your DBT skills to regulate your emotions tolerate your distress
I really feel like I have BPD, I'm already being treated for depression and anxiety but I now suspect that a lot of those symptoms may actually be stemming from BPD. I see my doctor again in a month, and I'm going to bring this up because I see a LOT of myself in these descriptions
same....
As someone who has experienced being on the other side of splitting this video was really helpful in putting that behaviour into context. thank you
Dr. Fox, no matter how far I progress with BPD, or how many books I study, your lessons prove helpful regardless. Thank you for the book recommendation of Hard to Love, this proved quite helpful. Developing the emotional intelligence in any area has proven challenging, but as I progress in one area, so I can progress in others. We appreciate your work.
I'm so glad this is out there. I have just begun therapy and after 4 sessions I've learned that I most likely have BPD as I knock all 9 symptoms out of the park and they've reoccurred my whole life. Splitting and abandonment are 2 of my biggest issues that I want to tackle. Saving this video to come back to and will definitely be looking into more on this channel.
Thank you. I am a mental health counselor and everything I hear from this video helps in the field I work in.
Thank you for the compliment!
This really helped me assess myself and take the time to ask myself why I do this and where it started from and all of that. For me I use this mostly with relationships. I've LOVED people because of what they did and how they acted towards me, then I would become obsessed over them and feel like they were the one. This could finally be it this could be my soulmate. After a few days have passed I start seeing the minor things they do as gestures of them not being interested in me anymore or them not caring, when in reality theyre just being themselves living their life and I realized now that someone who says they like you, in their right mind, wont just push you away after a few days like I do. Anyhow, so In my mind I would take these minor average normal things they did and wrote them off as the person must be using me they must hate me or not like me at all, everything they said was a lie and then I would just plain out ignore them. I would avoid them at all costs, cold turkey. I dont want to waste anymore time or heart with this person so they can hurt me more. I end up feeling emotionally exhausted and trying to find someone new because it hurts my self esteem and I want that attention to prove to myself im not boring people wont get tired of me and such. In conclusion, during this video I decided its best to start a journal and start writing about my feelings and why I do things and where I come from because I also feel like I don't know myself, I feel like an empty shell at my worst and I think doing this will help me clear the way for myself to make sense of myself and understand myself. I have that mentality sometimes where I dont care about my emotions, like if something were to make me sad i would say 'you deserve it' or 'just get over it' and I just brush it off and thats Why I always disliked the idea of keeping a journal of my thoughts and feelings because to me they dont matter because I feel like nobody cares and what's the point? But I feel like finally doing so is a step in the right direction. Its finally time to help myself because I want to know why I am this way. Thank you so much for making this video :)
This is 100% me.
I really appreciate you covering these varied topics regarding BPD. I've been working through my issues for 20 years but (now that it's mostly healed) only self-diagnosed with BPD in the last month.
It's nice that your videos address the disorder from all of these different angles. It allows me to see, "Oh, that's what I'm doing." It shows me areas where to focus my attention both in the present but, more importantly, in my clarifying and processing of my past and repressed emotions.
This video brought to light an interesting breakthrough in my understanding of how my mind works and responds to relationship triggers. I have a tendency to cognitively distort experiences into all good and all bad, and I recognize that. I realize that I also do the same thing with people, but I often deny that I do it. Because when I experience splitting, my emotions feel so accurate that it is difficult to reason otherwise. So I am going to challenge myself to find gray areas within my relationship paradigms and also use a more inclusive spectrum of relationship and conflict assessments.
same :(
I just realized I have this today, such a relief to understand what’s wrong and that I’m not alone, but also such a hard pill to swallow and makes me a bit scared. But I love your logical and positive reasoning, it resonates with me a lot. Will try DBT soon, thank you very much. You may just have saved me years of my life if not all of it, glad to find your channel at 24 and not later ahah❤️ big love
You’re very welcome. Be well
You're an amazing teacher, and obviously a very supportive therapist. I appreciate your videos more than i can express..
I dont know if anyone feels the same but sometimes when I watch some of your videos dr fox, I get scared. It brings all of these things I never took seriously to light and it really just makes me feel like tackling all this is alot harder than I initially thought I still find myself denying my disorder because I hate how it affects my life and I just wish It could go away
Dr Fox, I've been watching your videos from Italy. I really wanna thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge, I really appreciate your videos, words and suggestions! I studied psychology, and graduate with success. I always suffered with a deep anxiety disorder and right now I started realizing that I may fit with BPD. I recognize myself in many aspects of the disorder, specially splitting, being impulsive and empty most of the time, like I can never feel better, or happy, even when I reach the results I wanted. It's like a rollercoaster, I keep on changing my mind about who I want to be, what job is the right one for.me.. I graduate, I did my practice and then lost lots of opportunities, changing work completely, starting a new one that requires a lot of study and efforts, and all this because I was unhappy, and I thought that changing work would have made me happy... But this didn't happen, and I keep on wondering what to do with my life, what can I do to be happy and satisfied. Sorry for the long and maybe senseless letter I wrote you. I just needed sharing maybe. Anyway thank you for your videos, they are very helpful and informative.
To hardtoconcentrate: my husband is exactly like that! When he changes his mind about what he wants he expects me to go along with him, and on one issue in particular, which would be a life changing result, I didn't go along with him, now been more than 10 yrs, he keeps holding it against me. He seems to get better but when he gets over tired or high stress it all starts again with him becoming distant and have a tendency to rage. All thru the yrs he has wanted something and when he gets it, it's not long until he's miserable. And, all because of this one thing I did not go along with(which was selling our house) he repeats over and over again "you've never supported me" which is bs there is that one thing I didn't go along with it is the "all thing" the sum total of me, which is the the black and white thing.When he has a meltdown, he goes bazzerk breaking things screaming horrible names to me, and it can be as simple as not being able to get the setting right on our movie channel to watch a movie he wants to see. At this point I am just beaten down.
For me, it's not, "this person is all bad", it's, "this person won't listen to me" "this person will hurt me," "this person can't be trusted." It's a reflection that we don't trust ourselves, because we had to give up our integrity in order to love our caregivers. We see trouble where others don't, because we had to see it coming a mile away. Others are willing to risk trouble to get what they want. We can't risk it, because it's traumatizing. If we heal the initial trauma, we won't resist it so much, but we're not wrong about the danger.
I am a pwQBPD and I really appreciate these videos. I am learning so much, and I am determined to "shed my skin" and grow beyond BPD. This video in particular spoke to me because I have always had problems with splitting -- all or nothing thinking, black or white, good or evil, love or hate, but nothing in between. Thank you Dr. Fox for all you do. You are changing my life. Hugs.
So freaking accurate! Thanks for making these videos. I really need them right now. Your work is service, thank you.
Neutral is key to balance
I’m more of a quiet BPD than outward personality. Interesting to know thank you!! 👍🏽💕
I think its amazing that you are speaking to the people who are dealing with doing this to other people and helping them to figure out what is going on . I have been listening to a few different of your talks and - thank you .
I've been diagnosed with bpd for over 2 years now and no one has ever told me this! the therapist tries to make me calm at different situations. but being told that splitting is actually the problem is so important
I work at a psychiatric community residence, we had a client with borderline personality traits and it was common for her to see the staff as all good or all bad. What I've noticed about borderline personality traits is that the splitting occurs alongside a number of other cognitive processes, and oftentimes can be difficult to recognize. Very informative video, thank you.
I have used splitting for as long as I can remember but this is the first time I actually was able to clearly recognize it, I only recently found your channel but have become very impressed how well you explain and can relate with, thank you for your content. I start clinical therapy next week to start helping me with my adhd type 2/bpd cluster b symptoms. I'm starting to develop a better understanding of myself and it's an incredible weight being lifted, mind you I still spend periods of every week feeling like I'm trapped in my own head and don't even have the ambition to eat for days at a time but hey.... a better understanding never hurt any situation 😅😃
I’m so glad you found value in the video.
Hey, how you doing? Do you see any improvement?
Thank you sir... Really good sir..
Iam a Psychiatrist from India
Jesus loves u
Thank you for explaining this well. You were sympathetic to BPD other youtube drs bash us and make videos warning people of us like were monsters. so thank you for helping BPD people in a constructive manner.
Everyone talks about how horrible it is for the people suffering with BPD, but what about how horrible it is for the people that are in the relationship with a person with BPD. I have experienced two “friendships” with people that have BPD & both of these people abused me. Experiencing what I went through with these two individuals has depleted my spirit. These people lure you in with their over giving, & nurturing side…once your close to them…everything is extreme…your always wrong, & their always right…they utilize manipulation tactics to lie about you saying things like your “harassing” them when your merely expressing yourself…it’s their need for control…they bully their way in communication…trying to push you down by belittling you…so they can have the upper hand…your left feeling so hurt, & depleted by their abuse…I learned not to discuss certain topics of conversation to appease them, & it would avoid the extreme fight…extreme conflict…or their verbal abuse of them beating me down with their verbally abusive tactics. I have helped, helped, & helped these kind of people to the detriment of my being…& I will NEVER do this again…at what cost? My mental, & physical health…these people are irrational, they insult your integrity, & one of them escalated to physically assaulting me…them having an entitlement expression…them believing it’s okay that they physically put hands on me because I was the one that was harassing them…expressing yourself is not harassment…that’s their need for control…I will NEVER have another “friendship” with a person that has an untreated mental illness…but especially when I find out they have BPD I will keep my arms length with these sick individuals, & I will only be an acquaintance with them…the “splitting” yes…after all your time investing & being committed to these people…they will gaslight you accusing you of harassment…or accusing you of their abuse. The abuse I have endured by them for a prolonged period of time, & all the years I have wasted on these sick individuals is not okay….it has broken my spirit
I appreciate you got taking your time and making the video. I subscribed on my first view
Thanks for your passionate work with BPD, Dr. Fox! Gives us Hope to a “seemingly” Hopeless disorder!
I have been learning to do this. When I get really scared I say to myself, they are just thoughts. Let’s try to focus on what makes me feel good and accept those thoughts and let them pass and not give them my focus and energy