Anger, Reward, Guilt, and Shame: The Anger Sequence
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- Опубликовано: 7 авг 2024
- Order The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook by Dr. Fox: goo.gl/LQEgy1
In this video we are going to explore the anger, reward, guilt, and shame sequence. This is certainly common in those with BPD and other PDs, but also in those without PD or with other mental illnesses. As we go through this process, you may stop and think, “hey that’s me!” This is a common react and this is invaluable insight. Recognition equals empowerment, which equals control, which means you choose how to respond instead of others or the world around you.
Common causes of anger include:
Stress: Stress related to work, family, health and money problems may make you feel anxious and irritable.
Frustration: You may get angry if you fail to reach a goal or feel as if things are out of your control.
Fear: Anger is a natural response to threats of violence, or to physical or verbal abuse.
Annoyance: You may react in anger to minor irritations and daily hassles.
Disappointment: Anger often results when expectations and desires aren’t met.
Resentment: You may feel angry when you’ve been hurt, rejected or offended.
Once you have an anger expression, you tend to get an anger reward. If you only felt guilt then shame, you wouldn’t engage in so much anger. Anger rewards can be many things, such as an emotional release, someone else stops bothering you or hurting you, someone else gives in and gives you what you want. It all depends on the reward, but recognize that the reward that is often so close to the anger expression encourages a future anger episode.
Most individuals tend to have short-term anger rewards and quickly fall into guilt for their anger expression and how they negatively impacted someone else or a situation. Guilt can manifest as anger or depressive rumination, which is very common for those with BPD (explain). It can be a tendency to over justify actions, thoughts, and feelings, increase the tendency to be overly emotional, be a cause for difficulty sleeping, you tend to avoid those source of your guilt, you overcompensate, or you blame that other person .
When guilt subsides, shame is often next. Shame eats away at your self concept, outlook on life, and degrades your ability to manage your behavior, hence leading to an increase likelihood you’ll have additional anger episodes.
So, what do you do about it? Identify the underlying cause of your anger, build in strategies to lessen the stress, frustration, fear, annoyance, disappointment, and resentment. Immediate management techniques include giving yourself a timeout when anger activated, leave the situation as you feel your temperature rising, and use “I” statements and avoid blame and raising your voice, this only makes matters worse.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice.
He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Borderline Personality Disorders: A New Conceptualization of Development, Reinforcement, Expression, and Treatment. Available at: www.drdfox.com/books
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Award Winner):: goo.gl/sZYhym
The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
Dr. Fox offers consultation sessions to help you learn more about your BPD:
www.drdfox.com/consultation
RUclips: / drdanielfox
Dr. Fox’s website: www.drdfox.com/
Facebook: / appliedpsychservices
Twitter: / drdanieljfox1
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Amazon Author’s Page: amazon.com/author/drfox
Videos edited by Emil Christopher: emilchristopheredits@gmail.com
The shame comes on instantaneously for me. I wish I could stop waking up angry.
Are you sure its anger that your waking up feeling??? could it be another emotion that your masking with anger???
@@nicoleshaffer1816 definitely anger masking fear/anxiety
@@KimPosteryournewpenpal
Try meditating daily. Start with 3-5 minutes. Every time you meditate close your eyes and connect with who you really are. Feel your own spirit.
Get a childhood picture of yourself and frame it. Put it on your dresser. Tell that little child everyday that you love her. That you’re there for her.
Look in the mirror and say “I love you.” See what emotions come up.
I believe that connecting with our own spirits/souls and healing ourselves, will help us in connecting to others, looking at other’s spirits instead of their outer shells or physical bodies will be the first step in creating peace on Earth.
@@nealiecruz2532 I found your comment very helpful and inspiring!! ♥ 😊
Many thanks and blessings to you! Sincerely, G.Reiss
My favorite thing to do is to tell someone off while I’m in the shower. I’m all alone and I can say whatever I feel like I need to say and I just let it aaaaalllll out 🤣 it’s really helpful, I get that release, and there’s no consequences. Then I literally get to wash it off when I’m done.
Great use and analogy.
Oh thanks for this, I'm gonna try it 😁
Great idea!
I thought that is crazy, but reading it, it makes sense. I will try too. Thanks for the hint.
Naughty..jk. 😂
Mostly angry towards me, I very rarely lash out at someone else... yet it has consequences for people around me ('quiet BPD' type if I can say).
Hugs to you other angry souls
Thanks
I missed your upload because I was beating up chairs. Seriously. And yes, I'm ashamed .
I think about the people I grew up with and I get angry about the way I was treated! Puzzled as to why and what they took from me! I am tired of being angry and self sabotaging!
I've had no contact for over 25 years with the people i grew up with.
Susie Q I’ve been there a lot. It sucks. Sometimes, I’d imagine what I would have been if I had a better family life, but honestly, maybe it would have turned out worse in ways, actually. You never know. Plus, I think a lot of people have family issues. It’s pretty common from what I’ve heard and have seen.
@@JohnDoe-bf1fw I keep trying to be NC but the stupid phone calls still come. I just decided I’m no longer engaging! Hard not when they just show up to your door when you’re even moved away! Calling 911 next time, a month of rashes and broken skin from anxiety is not a fair price to be polite!
@@sweetluvgurl I don’t have time to think about what could have been, I just want to be left alone. I’m talking about when they pop into my head and I dwell on it or they call ow show up. Not sitting here saying woe is me! I just want to be left to live my life!
I feel your comment
My shame and guilt kick in during my anger episode but for some reason I just can’t stop it:( I have extreme self-hatred because of it😭
You are not alone
@@bethkirsch2365 ❤️
I don’t think anyone elucidates the steps and/or processes involved in dysfunctional behaviour and emotional trajectories as well as Dr Fox. Brilliant and the graphics illustrate the sequences so clearly!
once again, dr. fox coming with a video about something that's been reaally bothering me recently. I'm always angry. And its sooo easy to make me angry, it's truly exhausting :(
Me too 👀
I know 😭😭minor inconveniences tick me tf off.
I split A lot when I'm angry
Just this morning I was thinking why I feel more comfortable being by myself: nothing sets me off. But I do not think it is normal, although it is very easy for me to do.
Andrea Bíró I’ve been there, but it’s dangerous to isolate, honestly. I’d get more depressed when I’d isolate so much and completely avoid social situations.
@@sweetluvgurl Thanks for reminding of this. I will keep it in mind! I think you are right. No way to heal without interactions... I am thinking of doing some charity work but this covid situation might also make it a bit difficult... (All right! I apply to the group I am thinking of now for weeks. There is a saying help others to help yourself.)
Also I do not want to diagnose myself, but I think I am dealing with NPD here and it is confuse because once I was in a situation where one of my kid was sent to psychologist after two meetings she said she cannot help us. Back then I thought we had no problem, but she did not tell that either and now I found Dr. Fox channel I thought she refused us because my personality disorder. And just during summer I asked an other psychiatrist to at least meet me. This situation turned out to be bizzare as well. First she said she will go on holiday but I should send her an email to remind her about our appointment saying at least one meeting necessary. Then she called me being very strict she had no time for me at all. These also made me concerned... Anyways... I am hurting other people and that is why I thought helping under supervision might be a solution. Thanks a lot for contacting me. I really appretiate it . God bless you!
Would you be able to talk about bitterness or resentfulness? I find that more accurately describes how i feel constantly rather than just anger.
When you feel bitter and/or resentful, who are you feeling or thinking this about? What action(s) have occurred to result in the build-up of those unheard feelings you've had that now make you feel resentful and bitter?
I am always resentful about the past, and always bitter about the present. So when I get angry I find it very severe. But, when I swallow my anger, which I obviously have to do, it just adds to the inner store of resentment and bitterness. I dontthink there can be any way to remove this.
@@someonesomeone25 I can relate to that 💯
I relate to it too. I know that the best solution to such negative feelings is forgiveness, letting go. And I want to. Sincerely I do want to forgive. But how do I do it???
You described precisely how I feel.
I have been listening to Dr Fox for two years now. I have been struggling for years now and I finally had the courage and opportunity to book a counseling session today. The first five sessions are free shouldered by the company I work in. But listening to Dr Fox made me realize that I really need to seek professional help to understand myself accurately since I cannot self-diagnose. Hoping for better days to all of us.
Thanks Dr. Fox. I internalize my anger. I am very isolated and not because of social distancing or the pandemic I've been socially ( by choice)distancing for many years. I have been diagnosed with both bpd and bipolar ( different psychiatrists bpd in 1998 , bipolar in 2006) the older I get the more skizoid / avoidant I seem.
Yes I need this. I was just thinking today why am I so angry!!
Not knowing why you are angry can be cause of your anger. This statement alone would be enough to make my girlfriend very angry. She gets angry at the drop of a hat.
Anger is a survival response. (And it’s disproportionately criticized in females vs males.)
💯
Well when you call a man a bitch he will take it about as well as females do. The key is to find an obscurantist wording to indicate the obvious. The question is whether interaction is worthwhile.
boys don't cry and girls don't rage
Yes!
Yep, almost constantly, it almost feel like anger is my motor and motivation for existence itself. Usually the circle goes like this: excitement from newly discovery, all potential and faith in me is ready to "play the game".... but after some time if I discover that things are not as they seem.....the disappointment comes and tends to make me angry before sad... Angry on myself, that I let myself be fooled again by my own naive trust world is a better place than actually is....... :) I was diagnosed as BPD and tried to work on this with my therapist for over the year and eventually I left her as she kept telling me that I need to let the anger go, not transform it into something else... easy to say right... in the end she was projecting her own shit on me and told me she cant help me... heh.. so yeah... i was angry too at that point... :) i realized that much more effective to calm me down was to practice taichi often... i also believe that people who gets easily angry should be doing some physical activity daily... this could help out to calm one down... maybe? :D
My anger was driven inward. My therapist had me use I statements, look at the cognitive distortions to help identify which one I was experiencing, and do breathing exercises. Camomile tea. I understood the anger. I had techniques to calm down. Then I kept getting sick. The anger festered in me until it took over. So, she had me try different ways to release it from my body. I could yell into a pillow, but doesn’t help if angry at work. Jump up and down, also not helpful. So, I came up with excusing myself to the bathroom and taking my sleeve, I wack it on the sink or just in the air. That worked while doing inner child work. But if I’m just angry and am red hot, I go for a brisk walk. I will ask the other person to let me go calm down, it’s rare. It only takes 10-15 minutes. If I go with my husband, he waits until it’s out and I calm down. Then we talk about it while we walk. Sometimes I can work it out myself after walking by myself if he isn’t around. So, your exercises are most likely helping. Maybe there’s a move or two that you can do privately to let it out to calm down. But, work with your therapist. I know for some people, physical intensity makes it much harder for them to calm down.
Soo true the most frustrating thing I realized in my BPD therapy.... I am always angry!! Minor or major or anything. Idk if its always splitting, but a broad anger.
I thought I was the only one who split when they're angry 😭😭
KpopManiac4Life I think that’s very common in BPD.
Only last week I realized “I am constantly angry”. Even though I am happy and kind there was some underlying anger that didn’t allow me to be completely at peace and happy. I realized the many things that were making me angry and was able to reason with myself and that help me to stop being in a constant state of alert. Doctor you are truly a God send.
Weirdly enough I have been googling “why am I so mad” and then you release this 😂👍
Dr Fox. You are the bomb
I've spent a fair amount of time thinking about my anger & the underlying causes of my anger. Frustration & fear, as you point out, are really big for me. But further under frustration I've discovered what I have been calling 'a fundamental disconnect from reality.' If I'm constantly disappointed and frustrated, doesn't that hint that I am expecting the world to be different from what it is? For me, this has been very helpful. When I find something I am frustrated with, I try to look at it and see how the world is different from my expectations. When I understand clearly that the world isn't going to change to suit me, I can make better decisions. I've managed to reduce my frustration & my rage by a very large amount.
This helped me a lot, thanks for sharing.
I lost it on my boss once. It was a stressful day for him and he was already in a bad mood and my depressive state was making it difficult for me to perform efficiently. He got a little salty and said some rude shit and I blew up on him. I didn't get fired because I walked the fuck out. I thought it made me feel good and it went on for a month or so, but then the depression came back full swing and I collapsed mentally. Go me.
I've been doing a cram session for the last 3 week's because I got put thru situation that made me take a real look at personality disorders in myself. Have studied and went thru 6 different therapist doctors that make these kind of videos. Your videos are good and only person where I feel compelled to leave a comment to say thank you.
So true. I used alcohol as a reward first and then feelings of torment, resentment and often uncontrollable rage followed. I didn’t realise at the time. Watching this and reflecting on my behaviour since giving up alcohol I can see my reward now has become an unexpected order to my life. I find I can now manage my expectations and perceptions in a calmer and above all easier way. I feel giving up alcohol has saved my life. I truly do not miss it either. Thank you Dr.Fox.
Thank you Dr. Fox!
Fear!!!!!
+BPD=100% TRUTH! (I get ANGRY because I AM SCARED he will leave or is cheating)!
🤦♀️ 😭
I feel like I AM SOOO CRAZY!
I'm so grateful for all your help, your videos have been helping me greatly! Thank you a lot!
Thank you for taking the time to make these videos because it grants so many people access to accurate, educational, and useful information that they might not get otherwise. 🙏🏽✨
We are damaged souls. Through people like this and God 🙏 we can find understanding. It's my prayer to you all today. Find peace and comfort. Understanding and Faith. We can do this. Bless You ALL. NO MATTER YOUR BELIEFS
Thank you, 🙏 It's nice to know that I'm not alone in this "emotional battle" with myself!
💜💜💜💜💜 Patiently waiting.....
Everything on point.I also want to share something that helps me significantly.It is physical stress and tension,that causes me to be easily irritated,lack of body movement limits you ability to express and realease those tensions.In a few words,pay attention to your body and try muscle relaxants or pain relief products.My state of mind reflected my body tensions.I hope it helps somebody like it does to me
Dr. Fox, thank you for all your videos. I find them extremely helpful in helping me to understand my husband dealing with BPD. You go into great detail on topics and it helps me together with going to DPT therapy for loved ones of BPD. I would like to request that you end each video with a suggestion or two with tips for loved ones on how we can support our person dealing with that particular issue. If you put it at the end then you can warn those with BPD in case they don’t want to hear it, but it would also help us help them heal. I watch every video of yours I can and I have passed off your channel to others as well who have loved ones dealing with this difficult issue. Thank you in advance for considering this. You are amazing to take the time to help us all! Blessings
Why do I get so angry so easily?
Some common anger triggers include: personal problems, such as missing a promotion at work or relationship difficulties. a problem caused by another person such as cancelling plans. an event like bad traffic or getting in a car accident.👍
take the bus.
Hi Dr Fox I wanted to let you know your videos are incredibly helpful to me, I was diagnosed with BPD pretty late in life (47) and while it shed some light on why life was so difficult for me to manage it left me feeling really helpless and angry. I am so glad I found you on RUclips and always tune in now.
You help me so much. The BPD workbook hits hard, but truly affects change. Thank you. ❤️
Thank you dr. Fox!!Loved every your video,they are really helping me.
Your way of describing is precisely equal to how i often feel in those situations.
You are a true man of vocation in your field...your ability to "enter in others skin" is astonishing.
Saluti from Italy!!
Thank you for everything you do 💞
That really makes sense...thanks for putting up these videos!
I’ve just found your channel and this is your 2nd video I watched. I need sort ou my anger as it’s taking over my life and ruining my relationship. Watching this video feels like is recorded specifically for me. This circuit, this sequence 100% appeals to me. I cannot wait to watch more your videos but I guess I need to work out to watch them in the order but I am already feeling positive about the results. You are the kind of person which is nice to listen and to watch and who someone can trust.
Anger is such common in bpd
I realized I am always so angry while in therapy. Like today when I could not open the cooking oil to cook ground beef. Anger is a hard emotion for me to handle, slowly improving now. You are a real blessing Dr. Fox 💖
Thanks for this video. I never thought about how my anger was rewarding me, but even the release of it, like you said, can feel so good. It can be Cyclical. I appreciate your video and will checkout the workbook. Thank you.
Another to share with my quit smoking page bc the guilt and shame so often feeds the relapse.
I will be quit 9 years in November. My success this best and last time was built around taking it all very tepidly, no extremes of emotion. I became good at recognizing when I was coming to an "edge" in my thinking/being and learned to back away from the edge. THEN, years after quitting cigarettes, I was able to delve into treating / self-treating my personality challenges. Quitting smoking really gave me better coping skills for working on - as Dr. Fox says- building surface structure, and learning adopting more secure attachment style and also healing from BP traits. Dr. Fox's channel is a big help in this!
Thank you for this content. I am struggling to manage my emotions as a new mother with limited resources and support. I really appreciate that you offer some actual steps that a person can take to get to a better place emotionally.
Dr. You're the best! I shared many of your videos with my social worker. Thank you so much. You have helped me to better understand myself and my relationship with others and the world around me.
Another brilliant video , my life has changed a lot ( for the better may I add ) since subscribing to this channel , thank you dr fox
Thank you as always!
Buying your book thanks!!
shame is what keeps me tossing and turning at night.
I ALWAYS feel SO ASHAMED & Guilty after I have an Anger Episode. Yet somehow it seems like I can’t stop giving in to my Anger. 😒😕😔 I’ve been in this vicious cycle for as long as I can remember... since childhood. Almost 47 years now. And... it’s so tiring. I never thought about the fact that I DO get a ‘reward’ for my angry outbursts in that it DOES release some pent up emotions such as: Anxiety, feelings of being idk... un-heard maybe?... not cared about? Ignored? I realized recently that WOW I have been stuck in this vicious ANGER CYCLE AND HABIT for the MAJORITY of my life so it IS GONNA BE HARD WORK TO BREAK. But.... I just ordered Dr. Fox’s Workbook. (Finally!) Thanks, Dr. 🦊. Your dedication to helping ppl like me and your understanding of something I’ve been trying since I was a pre-teen in libraries in the 80s to figure out about myself touches my heart. It really does. If you believe in Heaven... or wherever our souls go after this- I am POSITIVE there is a Special Place waiting there just for YOU. 🌈🦋❤️ However I am trying to say it... I just mean to say, I love ya, man. And thank you. I wish I lived in TX so YOU could be MY psychologist. I need one desperately. I live in Indiana if u know of any good ones? I take suggestions, lol. 😄
You don't appreciate anything.
such a great explanation! 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
Glad you think so!
Thank you for this. I was fired from my job today and I've been in this exact sequence for hours on end and it helps to see it drawn out like this.
I'm glad this video could provide some comfort during a tough time.
Again wow!!!! me, me, me! you are by far the best channel for BPD'ers 🤘 Yes lost jobs, friends, neighbours etc through anger. i am so over emotional....I am trying to change 🤘 so hard... .yep full of shame.
I’m glad you found the video helpful.
Oh man, I’m angry 90% of the time. Don’t ever know why - it’s addicting
Thank you so much for your incredible insight and way of explaining things 🙂🙂👍😁 this is just one of the things i am dealing with at the moment (so not in a good place mentally) and it has really really helped. Your videos help me understand and move forward, not question and make me feel worse!! Oh how I wish I lived in texas so I could have you for a therapist!!!
Thank you so much for your videos....please please please keep them coming!! ❤
Common with ADHDers as well. Source: I have brain and and I’m currently a clinical psychology grad student
Thank you Dr Fox this is so truly helpful!!?
My girlfriend once told me that she was angry because I didn't know why she was angry.
Seriously this actually happened.
😂 Sounds like almost every girlfriend.
I love this video very helpful thnks
It's So Hard To Control Of My Anger I Haven't Felt Like Myself.
You’re so sweet and very helpful ❤️ Thank you 🙏
You are so welcome!
It would be great if you could do a video on BPD and oversharing (as a part of self-sabotage).
Anger for me is generally out of frustration. When it feels like once I have acknowledged my inaccurate understanding the other person keeps at it repeating the issue over and over without ending the discussion. The is no closure when the closure seemed to have occurred ages ago. I become frustrated and then angry. Cannot rein in my emotional response and I become short and louder. Once I do that I become ‘the unstable one’ in their view; the one who unsurprisingly cannot hold meaningful relationships and will wind up alone. The reasonable action would be to remove myself but do not find it easy to recognise when I should do that. There is no reward in getting angry for me. The cause does not go away. The feeling of distress is no reward. The rumination is no reward. The guilt and shame are no reward. What I see is a lose-lose situation.
Just today in an AA meeting the topic was fear and I shared that I'd developed a habit of being angry in response to fear. Was interesting to come here and hear you say that, too.
excellent
Excellent work again Dr Fox! My therapist told me anger is addictive. And for Cluster B personalities with impulse control issues + strong emotions = get angry easily (and everyone else has to walk on eggshells around them)!
This was my boyfriend....now ex :( He get's angry so fast and he will say the meanest things and even things that don't make sense and are ridiculous. I felt like he used his anger to control me and I ended up being afraid to even say anything. I left, we broke up, and he kept trying to talk to me and told me how he feels. When I expressed how I felt he started getting mad! So I finally got mad and told him I left him because of his anger and I'm not his punching bag anymore....OMG...He got so angry I couldn't believe it. He left me a voice message and it didn't even sound like him. :( It was all over text but he told me how much he hates me...to fuck off...hate you...fuck you hate you ...basically all that.. And that I will pay for this in my life...We haven't spoken since. That was 3 months ago. I really thought he would write me by now, but he hasn't. I don't know if he still hates me or what...
Very helpful
Wonderful video as usual! Thank you for making this content, it's genuinely helped me so much when it comes to managing my bpd. I was wondering if you'd ever consider a video on BPD and sensory processing disorder/sensory issues? I recently learned I have SPD and it can be extremely difficult managing the sensory overload + emotional turmoil from BPD. Either way, thank you for your videos. Your wisdom makes a huge impact on so many
This cycle has been so much of my life. 😕 It sucks. I think what sucks even more is when you swear not to turn out like certain people but then turn out just like them, really, if not worse.
Thanks Doc, very helpful to understand anger🙏❤️. Will repost at our blog selfhelpchampion under Understanding Anger
Ok, Dr. Fox..
I'm gonna forget, that I'm, B.P. D. for awhile, amongst, other things.
I dont need the recognition or praise, that I deserve, from creating, Tank's my cat ,, RUclips, channel.. Eva L. Drake.
It is, he is brilliant, in them. Can't others see, I make these, his, video's, too give my life, some kind of worth. Cause, I've always been told. I was worthless. I've raised, Tank for over 10yrs. Now. He is my biggest achievement. What he became. My cat, is the true reason, why I live. And he is well worth it.
He is my escape.. my existence, my survival. He is a true.. (work of art), that I helped ,, create... He is a Feline Superstar. 😼
Hello Dr. Fox...
This is, Tank.., a feline superstar.
I am very angry, how life feels now, like if it's not one thing, it's another. Between the, C-Virus /Fires/Protesters!!! When does it ever stop!!!
So, I'm saying a sincere; Prayer for the world. To keep having, Faith.
Please have everyone, keep remaining strong, within themselves. , to get through all this.
Cause we all, need your help., Dear Lord., Amen...
keep up the good work.., Dr. Fox. 😺
I’ve found it helps a lot if I only watch news a couple of days a week.
hoping I will be awake, I usually am except when I want to be.
We will be fine❤
I feel like the older I get the worse it has got. I had a mental breakdown in 2021 and my anger issues have been so bad. I have high expectations of people and when they don’t meet them, I get angry. I say mean things. Then I feel awful and self-loathe. It’s a repetitive cycle too. I tell myself i am not going to do this anymore and I do it anyway. It is frustrating as hell.
I swear, I'm at the point in my therapy where I'm angry because my parents thought I was a monster.
I had a friend who was a porn queen, one of the really nasty ones from the eighties... her mother used to say she had the devil in her... that can have been good for her emotional g growth....later she did a movecalled "the devil inside miss Jones"
The reward concept is one I was vaguely aware of, but never really thought about, and definitely not in terms of a reward as such. It's so true though.
When I used to lash out and have my "tantrums" (Intermittent Explosive Disorder and BPD), I would feel the build up of tension, feel alone, overwhelmed, hurt, neglected, abandoned and thus angry (even if there was no logical reason for this).
Then I'd CHOOSE to explode. It took me many years to realise that for me, it WAS a choice. I'd shout, scream, throw things (not at people), use much profanity (which I don't usually do), be incredibly verbally abusive to the poor person in question, be rude to any random stranger who dared to glance my way, give people the finger, and hurt my own self. So I now see that THAT was my reward. Wow. Pretty crappy reward, but at the time the release and explosion felt uncontrollable.
Afterwards, it was bad. The whole day was ruined because of me. I said hideous things that could never be erased or unheard by the person I loved most. I felt enormous guilt. Once the wall would finally come down, I would cry. Huge, huge guilt and remorse. Also a lot of self awareness. Too late though.
Then shame, usually the next day. Sheepish. Embarrassed. Feeling inferior and unworthy, like who am I to treat this person so terribly?
Eventually I realised the fallout of the explosion (reward) was WAY worse than the perceived benefit of getting it out in that dysfunctional and harmful way. The guilt, shame and perpetual pattern of hurt was 100 x bigger and worse than the tiny "reward." That reward made everything bad.
I liked the sequence and the causes of anger, but even more the differenciation between guilt and shame.
What I get is that guilt is related to an event where shame is more core-related. We can have it because of something wrong we did, even if it's probably too much to invalidate our core for a wrongdoing, no matter how terrible, but we can also have shame for abuse we have lived. I've been started to unveil that recently and it seems to be a big piece to work on in my journey to CPTSD recovery.
Thank God for this man's work. I hope you all find peace and comfort in these difficult times. In Jesus name.
Hi Dr Fox. Could you please do a video on the difference between complex PTSD (C-PTSD) and BPD?
I have explosive anger but only to select individuals, like my husband or my Mom...it's like the closer I am to someone the more episodes of anger I have...they don't deserve it and I'm immediately sorry
I am asking myself the same question right now. I am always angry but more so on fridays. I don’t know why...
I'm ashamed of my anger. I've had blowups and meltdowns of anger since childhood -- knives were involved once or twice. I beat my younger brother up, yelled at strangers, threatened people, broke things, destroyed my mom's house, almost hit someone with a rock, yelling, screaming, road rage, altercations with strangers, almost went out to stab someone once after they yelled at me and I felt they were threatening me; I was so angry at them I just wanted to kill them, etc. < -- that may have been a fear reaction as well, though I'm unsure. Men were the ones that hurt me when I was young, so it makes sense I was both afraid of them and angered at them.
I think I have a lot of anger that was built up over time, but therapy and hormone therapy, exploring myself, has reduced anger quite a bit. For a while, I thought I'd just have all of this rage and anger inside of me and nothing to do with it -- I worried I'd have that breaking point where all of my anger was just unleashed on whoever was around when I blew up. I felt like under my skin was boiling anger that would overflow too easily.
I think that this symptom has reduced with time, especially recently, and I hope to see it reduce further with more time.
idk if it's only me...but i often get so angry,that i kinda blackout. this means i get so exhausted(when i was angry at someone etc) that i have to take a nap. and when i wake up,i do not remember realy that much at all what i did. and that i was messing with someone for no reason.
My anger out burst is less about the event that happened at the time and more because of the pent up emotions and resentment caused by past events
Thank you for the comment and I think this is really good insight into the value and importance of working through those issues and getting a handle on them and developing adaptive strategies so that you can learn a greater sense of control and containment.
@@DrDanielFox I recently came across videos about CPTSD and now it makes sense why my therapist has been suggesting EMDR instead of DBT therapy. It would be great if you do a comparison between BPD and CPTSD, and discuss differences and overlapping symptoms
Hi doc, can you talk more about depression in bpd?
Like how do i know i have it since i have like 39 moods in 5 mins?
Is there a "right/normal" way of being angry? I always have internal arguments about if I'm allowed to be angry at all, and most of the time this leads to my angry outbursts...Am i the only one with this?
Thank you for the video. Through the last videos I noticed that the audio was really bad and that makes it very hard to listen to. I don't know if it is the mic - if so maybe it's time for a new one? :) I would love to be able again to focus more on the content than on the audio.
I hope this stoic principle can aid my fellow BPDs.
If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment. - Marcus Aurelius.
The shame and guilt is internally directed...easy. The anger is external. Even though i truly know im angery at my inability to control my anger. So confusing
I feel like it just takes over my body..... And i cant control it i just go mental then after it I am like wtf have I done.....
I know this probably is inappropriate but sometimes I get angry because people are just freaking idiots. I'm sure that can be broken down into something wrong with me but I have had plenty of experience to think that maybe it's just coming because it's true.
What could the issue be if you are not just Angry all the time; but ENRAGED? Also you do not feel ashamed or guilty or sorry for what is said or done during those bursts? My son is 20 and family and friends all walk on eggshells around him. He’s been on so many different meds and nothing helps. He’s been diagnosed with BPD and severe depressive disorder. So if he’s not extremely sad, he is extremely enraged and I want to help him. It’s been years of this. Also he wakes up angry most days than not and he has no reason at all to be angry.
i have all the usual signs of BPD . i would say how my anger manifests is different. so i do have the 1. anger and the 2. reward but here is where i part from you. 3. anger that does not stop, its more like smashing an ant with my thumb into the coffee table , just squishing back and forth over and over ( this anger has lasted 4 to 5 hours ) 4.getting over it is characterized by the fact that im still angry but now something else has angered me so i'm angry against it instead . hardly ever any guilt or shame.. would you say i still have BPD or would you suppose i have something else????. i do the splitting thing all the time btw.. it was almost like you were talking to me.. see i need to know . Wife has convinced me to talk with someone. i'm wanting a specialist. im not sure if i lean more toward psychopath or sociopath tendancys. im not out killing but i do see myself in them also. or if you are not sure i would ask what kind of specialist sees all of the above? " keyword" im in alabama
How do we know which workbook to choose?
what about when the part you specified as the guilt, (like when the boss fires you) is what you wanted? sometimes i find myself starting arguments purely because i want people to be mad at me or to hurt me. i don’t know how to stop doing this and it’s scary
What about those who have learned a strategy that never hits the guilt and shame steps in the process? Just loops back around to blaming and accusatory anger? And when he screams that I caused it by saying, (kinda like you filled in with) , “boopbbobooboop!”, that TOO is a complete exaggeration (to the point of zero truth involved)? The worst part….he believes everything he says; I really think he could pass a polygraph with flying colors! What I WISH I could find out is how to get someone to believe REAL truth and realize that he is the common denominator in EVERY failed aspect of his life. I don’t see it happening and I am having to remove him from MY life because of the verbal onslaught; I’m not at all sure I’m physically safe; I sure as hell know I’ve been psychologically emptied!
Thanks for your comment.
Are there helpful techniques to lessen the anger reward that someone with bpd experiences, while not increasing their guilt or shame? To diminish the anger that arises in the future? Or is the expression of anger its own reward? There must be ways to skillfully negate the anger response when directed at you without causing much emotional pain to the other person y'know?
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When I was six years old my stepmother left me in a doorway with a note saying not wanted.....
I'm so sorry.
My anger came from guilt and shame