NEEDED TO HEAR THIS. Tired of sounding like a know it all. I need to shut up and listen even if I’m bored out of my mind and “already know the outcome” thank you Jordan.
Same here. About a week ago, I made it a point to NOT say anything centered around myself, and not use the words "I", "me", or "my" in casual conversation unless I was directly asked about myself. I was, or AM, amazed at how full of myself I was/am...
When I was a young man, I worked with a fellow named Hardy Doshier. He once told me that he figured everyone he encountered had something to teach him. They would either show him something worthwhile, that he wanted to make part of his life - or they would show him something that he definitely wanted to avoid, and keep out of his life.
The problem with many people that you're trying to engage in civil dialogue with is that they don't care about genuinely learning about what you have to offer, they're more concerned with dominating the conversation with their perspective and making sure that they walk away as the victor.
Or you could point it out to them that’s how you feel, maybe it’s also about being brave enough to be truthful with the person, even if they disagree it saves harbouring resentments for the future.
To all of us complaining that other people just want to dominate conversations, we just need new conversation skills to help bring the conversation into a genuine exchange.
some people over explain , recently learned that it stems from childhood trauma when a child feels the need to over explain so they don't get in trouble. My sister and I are major over explainers and it's something I've been consciously working on for years , while my sister thinks she doesn't have an over explaining problem 🙃
@@y.peffle2802 True, it can be a remnant of childhood PTSD/trauma. Also a remnant of any situation/condition where we don't yet have the emotional or internal boundaries to invite a consistent back-and-forth in conversations. Sounds like you've found a gold nugget for yourself there. Awareness is a powerful step.
people also need to take a step back and discuss context we all have primary beliefs and the world makes sense to us (or frustrates us) because of these beliefs beliefs such as about what motivates people, about self responsibility, about worth and so on differences in these beliefs change our view of the world but they are the foundation of our conversations dominance is often an implicit act of asserting these beliefs in other words, the disagreements are below the surface better communication skills can mean identifying differences in core beliefs and discussing them - as a way of better understanding how both we and others are viewing situations
I have often wondered about truth...How much of a role does truth actually play in our entire lives..? The more I think about it, the more I see REAL truth falling apart. I consider lessons I learned via observation, experience, and simply being a participant in the order of a family. I have come to the conclusion that the majority of, what I perceived to be truth as a pre-school child, was greatly flawed. Childhood was incredibly difficult for me, I realise now that almost all of the input that I was naturally absorbing, and processing, was quite toxic. I had to develop coping strategies and infantile psychological "tools" to survive...and I DO mean survive. My first attempt to end my own life out of abject misery occurred at age 10. I am nearly 62 now. I wasn't functioning on truth...I functioned on my own PERCEIVED truth. It's just hit me very recently, that I have, more then likely, eviscerated the human being that I was supposed to be. The quest for truth in most things, I believe, is alot more dangerous and confusing than I ever thought. Here's what I'm considering right now...As an adult, I was made aware that my mother had issues,and many breakdowns when we were children. I could retrospectively understand that. As a child, I suffered her spontaneous and indiscriminate physical beatings much more than anyone would care to remember...My father stood back and removed himself at these times..leaving me defenceless. But that wasn't my biggest problem. I learned to cope with the beatings and even developed a "scoring" system for her, based on level of blood letting etc. Sometimes, if I thought she had failed, by not managing to draw my blood, I would finish the job for her. It was the psychological abuse that hurt me the most. Injuries stop bleeding eventually, scabs form and fall off when the process is complete. Job done, all gone, no problem. But the constant misery of "You will never amount to anything" etc. being hammered in to me as a single digit aged kid, while my meek, but much loved by me, father retreated...that was different. My perceived truth at an age when Freud would show me the man was utterly wrong. I firmly beleived that my mother despised me and regretted my existance. I even beleived that she was trying to kill me..but hadn't figured out how to get away with it. My young friend told me he loved his mother, I laughed at him and told him he was mad..he cried. I regret that. I liked him. Maybe REAL truth is a myth. Maybe toxic females are the biggest problem, or, at least, damaged ones. Was Hitler a monster..? Or did his mother make a monster..? That's a perfectly acceptable truth for ME. Oh yeah... My mother......She was German. I suffered racism about WW2 and the German crap at primary school... Kids were allowed to goose-step and nazi salute me as gangs of them pursued me around the playground. All approved of by elderly lady playground monitors who probably lost family in that war. That's enough for now, I'm exhausted. I promise you that every word here is truth...REAL truth.
There is such a dark side to this. "So you are saying...[x,y,z,w]...." That is why you really need to accurately represent the positions of others. An honest desire to actively listen and understand others is an incredibly valuable skill. Like all tools, that specific conversational tool(restating the words of others) can be used for good or for evil. Just like a hammer, the tool can be used to build a house or destroy a house. You can hear someone without listening. And you can listen without understanding. That can lead towards problems.
This as a utility value still does not work. If you are speaking to somebody that tells you one thing an hour that you don't know, you are still better of ending the conversation and speaking to somebody who tells you two things an hour. As you learn more things there may be diminishing returns on investment in conversation and learning new things becomes like Gold, however it still does not make sense to dig randomly in your garden rather than search in a place more likely to have Gold buried.
To all the dreamers out there, don't ever let the world's negativity disenchant you or your spirit. If you surround yourself with love and right people, ANYTHING is possible...
Its so annoying when homeless people stop you and talk for 30 minutes with no concern you are engaged with something else. I did not listen to this video, just commented. 😅
Oh SHUT THE FUCK UP. There are so many flaws in his logic that an intelligent person can easily say okay challenge one challenge two, challenge three, challenge for and he'd be stymy to try to find the answers to the questions from an intelligent person. Number one his latest focus has been in religion and God. Well any intelligent person knows that religion is basically a sociological construct that is manifested itself over the several thousands of years that his is existed and the concept of God is completely irrational completely flawed and basically God doesn't exist. Why can't people understand the simple common sense revelations? I can't have a joke that I love to perpetuate upon anyone who says God exists. Okay. Have God call a press conference. I'm sure the entire galaxy would be standing on edge everyone would be tuned to whatever channel he chose and every word he spoke would be recorded forever until the end of time. Oh but wait it doesn't exist. So much for the advertisement revenue. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
The feedback loop (where the listener/receiver repeats back to the speaker/communicator what they understood, for correction and/or validation) is INDISPENSABLE to effective communication; which is the foundation of all quality relationships.
My brother and I used to argue like idiots a lot and one thing our dad would have us do to resolve it was to repeat accurately the point that the other brother was trying to make, like Jordan suggests here. That really helped us communicate better without getting overly heated or frustrated. We still argue sometimes, as brothers do, but it's much more civil and productive than the alternative.
Love this our parents had us so the same we all had to at some point agree on a solution that worked for us & have the resolution. Written down & hand it to them & they'd read it out loud & they would always ask....see was that so hard to do? 🙆♀️😉
Problem I have with a lot of people is how they just want to talk endlessly, with no response at all from me. The deeper into the "conversation" we go, the less they can tolerate any response. I suppose it's because all they want to do is talk with someone who is listening to them (which I do) but they don't want to think about anything, much less be challenged on it. But that's *not* a therapy session, where the person has come to you explicitly for the sake of change. That's just average conversation between coworkers or strangers.
There’s no shortage of people with hang ups and they just want to waste everyone’s time. When that happens I try to steer the conversation my way with something like “ I’m really excited about this Amazon package I’m getting tomorrow”
Thank you for your comment, I'm just now realizing this is exactly what my boy friend does to me. He just talks on and on and on and when I try to interject I'm met with dizziness and isolation and thus the cycle continues. Ive always practiced proper, healthy communication with him but on his side its the polar opposite. It's insane to realize how I was never able to recognize my own self worth snd sense of self because he was always there clouding my judgement or trying to swoon me with empty words.
@@fatamorgana7777 It sounds like he may be a narcissist. There are tons of very good RUclips videos on that, I would suggest you listen to even if he is not, I think it would help you. Also make a list of 10 things you must have in a perspective spouse, and ten things you must not have. Sounds easy, but it's not. E.g. Lying is at the top of mine (must not have) and honesty--NO, integrity at the top on the opposite poll. One of mine was also "good communicator" which I changed to 'one who is able to resolve conflicts.' If you find your 'date' can't measure up to one of the ten, drop them like a hot potato. You will definitely find other stuff you don't exactly like, but no one's perfect. But the top ten are things you will find you can't live with (or without). Sounds like you might be co-dependent. Good luck and best wishes to you.
Jordan Peterson, I have really been trying to reprogram my mind by consuming as much of your content as I can if I go on RUclips. Your words have allowed me to repeatedly come to subtle but profound realizations about myself. To hell with the deadweight. Thank you so much Sir for all of your acts of courage and bravery in this crazy world.
@@mshklh2099 ruclips.net/user/SUCCESSCHASERSvideos This channel is great. It has all of Jordan Peterson's speeches and lectures and it is compiled in a motivating way. Keep your head up, brother Abdulwahab.
Have you listened to his audio book called “12 Rules of Life Antidote to Chaos”? It’s abundant with information like the kind he talks about in his lectures. I’ve been listening on audible for some time now :)
@Meaning What I wouldn’t exactly use the word allegory, although that is somewhat descriptive. His own term is “hyper real,” that is (no matter what you believe) the stories are inescapably true, or, they can’t not be true. Or maybe another way to put it is that these are “perfect” stories, and that’s what makes them sacred.
If we teach our young men and women how to see life through the lens he promotes it will be quantifiable. When our kids build a better world than the one we leave for them.
My husband and I have been arguing a lot lately. It seems we're not having effective conversations. This clip from your lecture has given me food for thought and I plan to implement what you've taught next time I talk with my husband. Very timely upload in my life. It's like an answer to a prayer. Thank you!
That sounds like it sucks, but it's awesome that you're looking to making it better. I encourage you to keep trying if you feel like giving up, beause conversations are hard, especially if you implement what was said in the last minute of this video. I hope your life goes well.
Boundaries, fighting fair, argument or discussion styles, conversations can be very complicated. I compliment your efforts to establish more effective conversations, and I would just say don't ever give up. If you aren't able to do it on your own, you might consider having the discussions with a trained counselor who can help you learn how to have more effective, respectful, resolution-oriented conversations. Counseling was one of the best things I ever did as an adult. I'm reading a book on boundaries that is really good for me. So whatever you need, it's out there somewhere, you just have to find it. Hang in there and find what you want. Cheers!
Interesting how you've outlined a simple situation, and people have made it into a big, life long trauma. Hope you both get back on track, and communicating better. ❤️🙏❤️
I know the problem with my husband and my communication. He outright tells me now, he never listens. And proof of that is very evident over the years. So now, I barely tell him anything and just do whatever I want. When he gets surprised, it no longer bothers me. I don't even say, I did tell you. I just get on with my life. He doesn't really like it, but it takes a long time to find ones autonomy in a marriage of decades. Especially on the heals of the traditional types of marriage. Once a couples' children are raised, they should each spend time focusing on their own pursuits for a while and then join up again to make a better partnership. That is my view.
I have found that a lot of times in conversation people aren’t really paying attention to you they’re only thinking about what they are going to say next
True. But capturing attention is a skill, and so is finding interesting people to be with. And: have you paid attention to absolutely everything anyone has ever said?
I think that the majority of us never learn how to have a truly engaging conversation and it's something we seldom if ever practice. Conversation is truly an art, its value significantly underestimated by many.
Dr Peterson, most parts of me that I'm proud were built with the foundation of your education. I won't be the same man without you. Thank you for everything. Love and strength to you.
Utterly brilliant! This act of listening to the point of being able to summarize the other person's perspective -- possibly even with a stronger point than they can convey -- is so generous, so transformative that it can't help but change the course of your own thinking and outlook. What is maturity if not this?
I wish I had direct access to individuals of a certain ilk or could afford therapeutic competence such as this...this is certainly massively, vastly better than nothing.
Sadly at some point if you're quite educated on topics like this (e.g. watching and reading JP for a few years, but also reflecting and other things), then even good expensive psychologists I've talked to in Europe are not much more useful than just talking with your friends / family / intelligent people about your problems openly (if you're capable of being as open with those people as you are open with psychologist). So as a TL;DR I would totally find valuable having a psychologist of a level close to JP, however I doubt that there's many exist and they're probably working with top 1% of top 1% of top 1% etc
My husband and I went to a therapist who saw us together, and when one of us made a statement, she would turn to the other and say, what did you just hear (him, her) say? And that person would say what they thought they heard, and most of the time the other person would say no, I meant xyz, not zyz. And it would take 2-4 tries before we could concentrate on what the other person had actually said without polluting it with our own expectations of rejection or accusation. It took a lot of work to separate ourselves from the way a lot of people had treated us in the past. Forgiveness is key.
People who live rough lives have little nuggets of wisdom that life taught them through hard knocks. I've learned things from homeless drug addicts in the midst of psychotic rambling. Some hells are better than others.
Yes changes happen in life all the time. But changes for the better are much rarer and much more difficult to recognize. Also a therapeutic relationship is as hard to find as genuine improvements in life. And i'm not talking about psychologists for hire. You can find them a dime - a - dozen. hahahahahahaha Thanks again *DOCTOR* Peterson. One of the very few who actually deserve the title.
Realization of my adversarial ways in my relationships has stunted me greatly. Resetting my approach won't be easy, yet I know I want to change for my relationships sake.
Dr. Peterson is a gifted teacher. He also demonstrating the value, efficacy and the classic superiority of the live, in-person classroom vs online instruction.
Something hardly anyone ever does nowadays is steel manning, ie, listening to an idea and repeating it back as best as you have understood it to the original interlocutor. A system predicated on every single subject we seriously study in this life. Conversely, there's an overwhelming abundance of straw manning around, where folks just try to destroy any argument or aspect or part of the sentence of what others are saying.
A mundane example. We recently visited a couple on business. We have very little in common. She is obsessed with the material value of property. He is obsessed with power stations. (I think he worked on them.) I have cultivated being a 'good listener' which is often interpreted by the person I listen to as me being a 'good conversationalist' . Which tells you a lot about what people want from a 'conversation'...Most people simply want to be listened to. Anyways. I listened to an hour on power stations. I asked what I hoped were intelligent questions. Not much of it stuck because well, I am not truly interested at the level he was going. Still, somewhere or other he illustrated some point about the flow of power with a mole trap. I told him we had a terrible mole problem but seemed to have an issue with setting the 'scissor trap' correctly. He happily showed me and I could see where I was going wrong. I got something useful out of the whole episode. He was happy that someone had taken an interest and he was doubly happy that he could impart knowledge. All good. The power station stuff is filed under 'pending'. With the current energy crisis I may have to dredge some of it up.
This is could be written on my wall. All of it. My issue, is that I Need to be understood (working on it), and in this world, that's not an easy task, as I am a wombat too...
This was Enlightening & such a great thing to know I learned a few communicating tool in this video but in gonngo back and watch it over & over till I get & understand then all & implement them in every conversation best as I can & that will improve my life in a positive e at. The most intrrsting thing I heard is about leaning to hear what the last person said & says it out loud (if in a group or a single conversation) and by hearing what they said you can expound and actually make their argument even better that was light bulb & that is some good listening ! 🤗🧐
While usually I'm critiquing his various videos I will acknowledge this one as quite effective and hope we all grasp the difficulty in actually listening to another and the importance of figuring that out.
JP YOU ARE A MADMAN!!!! ....in a good way. :) I love your lectures and you are teaching me more and more how to change the things I do not like ...however ...change does not come easy for most and I am not the exception. I see though how you are a caring man and I respect your advice because... IT JUST MAKES SENSE! I am listening ..I am at a stage of my life I am listening more now than probably ever in my life! I know what has to be done and my life is a struggle and I feel more wise everytime I hear your advice. Keep spreading good words and good advice and stay humble as you do, no matter what there will be critics but your listeners I PROMISE.. are much much more.
You know that last line really hits hard. Maybe i've been doing it wrong all these years. I have always done that, and communication has always been difficult.
This ones title doesn’t do it justice. That end experiment took me decades to learn on my own. Anyone is wiser for knowing it and I respect your expertise in condensing it to such a simple package.
The issue I have with this (is because I do this when I engage with people already particularly women) I will refocus it to make sure we are on the same page with their point. I address that issue, and once I do they go back and change what it is their grievance is about. So the thing is (my personal opinion) a lot of people in society are not happy having their voices heard. They are happy dictating the emotional submissiveness of everyone until they get warn down of doing it
By pursuing discussion with people who are different than you, your horizons can be broadened by exposure. Edit: 'understanding with the person you're listening to' is brilliant, I hadn't considered it that way. Thank you JP!
I suggested this to a friend while he was having a 2 year old’s meltdown & he absolutely HATED the idea. Because it meant he’d have to stop the toddler tantrum for a moment and actually listen & have a god damn conversation. …it was tragically comical.
Jordan Peterson? The self-recognized, "the intellectual hero" for incels. I cannot think of too many groups of legal people I would rather NOT be a 'hero' to then incel's. ☮
I've had this particular response to those who accuse me of being opinionated. I'm opinionated because I value your opinion. In fact, I believe I deserve your opinion. And by extension, if I believe I deserve your opinion, it seems reasonable that you deserve my opinion. I know this generally doesn't work for those unwilling and especially unable to defend their opinions, but I can't seem to stop myself because I keep thinking that I will someday have a worthwhile conversation with someone willing to either adjust theirs or my opinion (it does happen). When I was very young my sister had this habit of sayin "you think you know everything". Well, no, I don't think that. But I was a voracious reader and I do have a habit of sharing things I've learned. My sister is like a very large amount of people. Unwilling to learn.
If you are right do they want to hear, embrace and then comply. If you are wrong can you see why. Embracing a position without reason is nihilistic. Words are. For by the word all things were created. Can you see creation? They are communication from Yah. This is a conversation we must listen to.
I'm so conditioned by youtube clickbait that I actually thought this was one. Like, "Everything you need to know about getting out (as in leaving) of a conversation is this one thing you don't know" Sheesh on me!
.. WALK AWAY... if God has blessed you with two legs that work then you need to utilize them. No reason to entertain someone who has no capacity for reasoning
i don't know how you can make a college course out of that kind of material....some of its intriguing, some of its useful, but its all over the map with an occasional nugget here and an occasional nugget there......yah, ok, truth is much better than lies and i think we all know that even before we get into a college situation.........but its nobody's job to listen to 49 irritating rants about say for example marxism to try to catch one useful new item about say for example how to bake a cake without butter if you have no butter as the 50th item jewel of new information i didn't know before....unless somebody is paying you to listen. the management and care of psychiatrically disturbed patients (clinical psychology) is not what most people do or how they orient their time on a day to day basis and most conversations aren't verbal gunfights unless you tend to be somewhat adversarial and controversial and you go around challenging everybody you meet about everything they believe and think is important.
Loving the awesome free amount of Motivation/ professional advice on Motivation Madness. Love u Jordan & my other go to the mighty David Goggins. Nice to sit by urself & listen to rounded & professional discussion on how to improve/inspire
I find explaining a person's position to them is extremely effective. First of all it allows me to understand their point. Second it allows them to know that I understand their point. Third, it allows me to expose why their point is incorrect. Frequently their point would be valid if certain suppositions were true. So I simply tell them what suppositions would have to be true for their point to be valid, which breaks down their argument for me.
Jordan, Sir, you indicate that we can increase our aptitude by conversation. (On the basis that both/all parties want to be better) I find a little humour, when you also say that you have a flaw of speaking a lot. What a privilege to walk the earth at the same time as you!
Jordan sounds very pushy and domineering. He sounds like my brother, in fact. I know my brother is smart and has some good ideas, but usually his purpose is to use me for his purpose and if I listen, I will find out how he intends me to be used for his benefit. Even if the benefit is only to show me up and to impress me. If he wants to impress me, he must actually have admiration for me on some level. But I don't want to be talked at by him and I keep quiet and avoid him.
Took me 6 minutes to realize I was reading the title wrong. This is not "The one 'thing you need' to be able to get out of a damn conversation". Oops :) Great lesson though and glad I watched.
Dr Peterson always has something intelligent and interesting and useful to offer. The smart listener pays attention, and then thinks about what he just said. Try his suggestions. Take notes. Discuss. But Listen!
Ok every living being on this planet will eventually die one day. So because of that you might have deep connections with the world because we are one the same train. What about if you are feeling lonely right now what do you think about death?
I think a lot of conversation that is not reciprocol is due to there being a passive aggressive undercurrent happening with one or both people in conversation. They aren’t relating with the other person with a clean slate or a renewed mind- they are stuck on something else.
He had me telling truth to {those on the lighter side} but I don't know what to say about this. I've met people with law, medical, psychological, math, physics, ...even the poor bastards who have Biochemistry Degrees. They all sound like this when they're drunk. Was I ~ a. a student b. a grant agent c. a bartender
NEEDED TO HEAR THIS. Tired of sounding like a know it all. I need to shut up and listen even if I’m bored out of my mind and “already know the outcome” thank you Jordan.
Same here. About a week ago, I made it a point to NOT say anything centered around myself, and not use the words "I", "me", or "my" in casual conversation unless I was directly asked about myself. I was, or AM, amazed at how full of myself I was/am...
Probably less conscious too
When I was a young man, I worked with a fellow named Hardy Doshier. He once told me that he figured everyone he encountered had something to teach him. They would either show him something worthwhile, that he wanted to make part of his life - or they would show him something that he definitely wanted to avoid, and keep out of his life.
Love your work Dr Jordon Peterson
Edited and still can’t spell the name right
@@mrclean1202 You see a one sentence expression of thanks and love and immediately turn it negative. Got em 👍
@@nuggert it was a statement of fact, you can feel negative if you want little biitchhboy
The problem with many people that you're trying to engage in civil dialogue with is that they don't care about genuinely learning about what you have to offer, they're more concerned with dominating the conversation with their perspective and making sure that they walk away as the victor.
Couldn't agree more
Facts, that kind of person is of no value to anyone not even themselves and not worth your time or energy . Walk away . Game over
Or you could point it out to them that’s how you feel, maybe it’s also about being brave enough to be truthful with the person, even if they disagree it saves harbouring resentments for the future.
Doesn´t it make you (a bit) resentful about this fact ?
u tagged it as a problem, just move on, 8billion ppl on earth, and 90years on average for life, theres plenty of diff paths in life, go find urs
To all of us complaining that other people just want to dominate conversations, we just need new conversation skills to help bring the conversation into a genuine exchange.
some people over explain , recently learned that it stems from childhood trauma when a child feels the need to over explain so they don't get in trouble. My sister and I are major over explainers and it's something I've been consciously working on for years , while my sister thinks she doesn't have an over explaining problem 🙃
@@y.peffle2802 True, it can be a remnant of childhood PTSD/trauma. Also a remnant of any situation/condition where we don't yet have the emotional or internal boundaries to invite a consistent back-and-forth in conversations. Sounds like you've found a gold nugget for yourself there. Awareness is a powerful step.
people also need to take a step back and discuss context
we all have primary beliefs and the world makes sense to us (or frustrates us) because of these beliefs
beliefs such as about what motivates people, about self responsibility, about worth and so on
differences in these beliefs change our view of the world but they are the foundation of our conversations
dominance is often an implicit act of asserting these beliefs
in other words, the disagreements are below the surface
better communication skills can mean identifying differences in core beliefs and discussing them - as a way of better understanding how both we and others are viewing situations
I misread the title as "All you need to get out of a damn conversation is [this] one thing you don't know" and I chuckled when I re-read it.
Me too!
In Each of these lectured i always find something new and enlightening... telling the truth brings health . Wow
Your a pure blessing Jordan
Most people gain their knowledge by just thinking to themselves at most. Usually it’s just repeating what someone they trust said.
I have often wondered about truth...How much of a role does truth actually play in our entire lives..? The more I think about it, the more I see REAL truth falling apart. I consider lessons I learned via observation, experience, and simply being a participant in the order of a family. I have come to the conclusion that the majority of, what I perceived to be truth as a pre-school child, was greatly flawed. Childhood was incredibly difficult for me, I realise now that almost all of the input that I was naturally absorbing, and processing, was quite toxic. I had to develop coping strategies and infantile psychological "tools" to survive...and I DO mean survive. My first attempt to end my own life out of abject misery occurred at age 10. I am nearly 62 now. I wasn't functioning on truth...I functioned on my own PERCEIVED truth. It's just hit me very recently, that I have, more then likely, eviscerated the human being that I was supposed to be. The quest for truth in most things, I believe, is alot more dangerous and confusing than I ever thought. Here's what I'm considering right now...As an adult, I was made aware that my mother had issues,and many breakdowns when we were children. I could retrospectively understand that. As a child, I suffered her spontaneous and indiscriminate physical beatings much more than anyone would care to remember...My father stood back and removed himself at these times..leaving me defenceless. But that wasn't my biggest problem. I learned to cope with the beatings and even developed a "scoring" system for her, based on level of blood letting etc. Sometimes, if I thought she had failed, by not managing to draw my blood, I would finish the job for her. It was the psychological abuse that hurt me the most. Injuries stop bleeding eventually, scabs form and fall off when the process is complete. Job done, all gone, no problem. But the constant misery of "You will never amount to anything" etc. being hammered in to me as a single digit aged kid, while my meek, but much loved by me, father retreated...that was different. My perceived truth at an age when Freud would show me the man was utterly wrong. I firmly beleived that my mother despised me and regretted my existance. I even beleived that she was trying to kill me..but hadn't figured out how to get away with it. My young friend told me he loved his mother, I laughed at him and told him he was mad..he cried. I regret that. I liked him. Maybe REAL truth is a myth. Maybe toxic females are the biggest problem, or, at least, damaged ones. Was Hitler a monster..? Or did his mother make a monster..? That's a perfectly acceptable truth for ME. Oh yeah... My mother......She was German. I suffered racism about WW2 and the German crap at primary school... Kids were allowed to goose-step and nazi salute me as gangs of them pursued me around the playground. All approved of by elderly lady playground monitors who probably lost family in that war. That's enough for now, I'm exhausted. I promise you that every word here is truth...REAL truth.
There is such a dark side to this.
"So you are saying...[x,y,z,w]...."
That is why you really need to accurately represent the positions of others. An honest desire to actively listen and understand others is an incredibly valuable skill.
Like all tools, that specific conversational tool(restating the words of others) can be used for good or for evil. Just like a hammer, the tool can be used to build a house or destroy a house.
You can hear someone without listening. And you can listen without understanding. That can lead towards problems.
In many ways sir you are a Taoist master. thank you for guiding the way.
I took "to get out of a damn conversation" in the title as meaning getting someone to shut up.
This as a utility value still does not work. If you are speaking to somebody that tells you one thing an hour that you don't know, you are still better of ending the conversation and speaking to somebody who tells you two things an hour.
As you learn more things there may be diminishing returns on investment in conversation and learning new things becomes like Gold, however it still does not make sense to dig randomly in your garden rather than search in a place more likely to have Gold buried.
Cinderella i think it was called
Steven R Covey taught this.
I.
Love.
Jordan.
Peterson.
🤍
In other words
Be in Wonder about another's world.
To all the dreamers out there, don't ever let the world's negativity disenchant you or your spirit. If you surround yourself with love and right people, ANYTHING is possible...
🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔
Its so annoying when homeless people stop you and talk for 30 minutes with no concern you are engaged with something else. I did not listen to this video, just commented. 😅
God bless this man.
Oh SHUT THE FUCK UP.
There are so many flaws in his logic that an intelligent person can easily say okay challenge one challenge two, challenge three, challenge for and he'd be stymy to try to find the answers to the questions from an intelligent person.
Number one his latest focus has been in religion and God. Well any intelligent person knows that religion is basically a sociological construct that is manifested itself over the several thousands of years that his is existed and the concept of God is completely irrational completely flawed and basically God doesn't exist. Why can't people understand the simple common sense revelations?
I can't have a joke that I love to perpetuate upon anyone who says God exists. Okay. Have God call a press conference. I'm sure the entire galaxy would be standing on edge everyone would be tuned to whatever channel he chose and every word he spoke would be recorded forever until the end of time.
Oh but wait it doesn't exist. So much for the advertisement revenue. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
Amen ‼️ Him and his family.
Amen ❤🙌
The feedback loop (where the listener/receiver repeats back to the speaker/communicator what they understood, for correction and/or validation) is INDISPENSABLE to effective communication; which is the foundation of all quality relationships.
"Stupid people always think they are right. Wise people listen to advice. When a fool is annoyed, he quickly lets it be known." -Salman Rushdie
"The worst vice is advice."
My brother and I used to argue like idiots a lot and one thing our dad would have us do to resolve it was to repeat accurately the point that the other brother was trying to make, like Jordan suggests here. That really helped us communicate better without getting overly heated or frustrated. We still argue sometimes, as brothers do, but it's much more civil and productive than the alternative.
Same
I’m going to do that with my daughter.
Love this our parents had us so the same we all had to at some point agree on a solution that worked for us & have the resolution. Written down & hand it to them & they'd read it out loud & they would always ask....see was that so hard to do? 🙆♀️😉
Problem I have with a lot of people is how they just want to talk endlessly, with no response at all from me. The deeper into the "conversation" we go, the less they can tolerate any response. I suppose it's because all they want to do is talk with someone who is listening to them (which I do) but they don't want to think about anything, much less be challenged on it. But that's *not* a therapy session, where the person has come to you explicitly for the sake of change. That's just average conversation between coworkers or strangers.
There’s no shortage of people with hang ups and they just want to waste everyone’s time. When that happens I try to steer the conversation my way with something like “ I’m really excited about this Amazon package I’m getting tomorrow”
Goodness gracious welcome to my life.
Thank you for your comment, I'm just now realizing this is exactly what my boy friend does to me. He just talks on and on and on and when I try to interject I'm met with dizziness and isolation and thus the cycle continues. Ive always practiced proper, healthy communication with him but on his side its the polar opposite. It's insane to realize how I was never able to recognize my own self worth snd sense of self because he was always there clouding my judgement or trying to swoon me with empty words.
@@fatamorgana7777 It sounds like he may be a narcissist. There are tons of very good RUclips videos on that, I would suggest you listen to even if he is not, I think it would help you. Also make a list of 10 things you must have in a perspective spouse, and ten things you must not have. Sounds easy, but it's not. E.g. Lying is at the top of mine (must not have) and honesty--NO, integrity at the top on the opposite poll. One of mine was also "good communicator" which I changed to 'one who is able to resolve conflicts.' If you find your 'date' can't measure up to one of the ten, drop them like a hot potato. You will definitely find other stuff you don't exactly like, but no one's perfect. But the top ten are things you will find you can't live with (or without). Sounds like you might be co-dependent. Good luck and best wishes to you.
Me to a T, some folks need to get their words out and anyone will do. I call it being talked at.
Jordan Peterson, I have really been trying to reprogram my mind by consuming as much of your content as I can if I go on RUclips. Your words have allowed me to repeatedly come to subtle but profound realizations about myself. To hell with the deadweight. Thank you so much Sir for all of your acts of courage and bravery in this crazy world.
Please suggest me his channels (or any channels really)
It might fix my miserable life
@@mshklh2099 ruclips.net/user/SUCCESSCHASERSvideos
This channel is great. It has all of Jordan Peterson's speeches and lectures and it is compiled in a motivating way. Keep your head up, brother Abdulwahab.
Have you listened to his audio book called “12 Rules of Life Antidote to Chaos”? It’s abundant with information like the kind he talks about in his lectures. I’ve been listening on audible for some time now :)
@@mshklh2099 His Biblical lecture series is far more practically helpful than it sounds.
@Meaning What I wouldn’t exactly use the word allegory, although that is somewhat descriptive. His own term is “hyper real,” that is (no matter what you believe) the stories are inescapably true, or, they can’t not be true. Or maybe another way to put it is that these are “perfect” stories, and that’s what makes them sacred.
My life has changed because of you Mr. Peterson. Thank you.
I wish we could quantify it somehow. If not just for collectively telling and showing JBP how important he is to so many people
If we teach our young men and women how to see life through the lens he promotes it will be quantifiable.
When our kids build a better world than the one we leave for them.
💩 tastes the same
ThisGuy 😎🖕🏿
Threadstopper Vs 💩 🍦 💩
Thanks a lot. Recent clips been super super useful and right when I needed them.
My husband and I have been arguing a lot lately. It seems we're not having effective conversations. This clip from your lecture has given me food for thought and I plan to implement what you've taught next time I talk with my husband. Very timely upload in my life. It's like an answer to a prayer. Thank you!
That sounds like it sucks, but it's awesome that you're looking to making it better. I encourage you to keep trying if you feel like giving up, beause conversations are hard, especially if you implement what was said in the last minute of this video. I hope your life goes well.
Boundaries, fighting fair, argument or discussion styles, conversations can be very complicated. I compliment your efforts to establish more effective conversations, and I would just say don't ever give up. If you aren't able to do it on your own, you might consider having the discussions with a trained counselor who can help you learn how to have more effective, respectful, resolution-oriented conversations. Counseling was one of the best things I ever did as an adult. I'm reading a book on boundaries that is really good for me. So whatever you need, it's out there somewhere, you just have to find it. Hang in there and find what you want. Cheers!
Look up Dr. John Gott's work on happy marriages.
Interesting how you've outlined a simple situation, and people have made it into a big, life long trauma.
Hope you both get back on track, and communicating better.
❤️🙏❤️
I know the problem with my husband and my communication. He outright tells me now, he never listens. And proof of that is very evident over the years. So now, I barely tell him anything and just do whatever I want. When he gets surprised, it no longer bothers me. I don't even say, I did tell you. I just get on with my life.
He doesn't really like it, but it takes a long time to find ones autonomy in a marriage of decades. Especially on the heals of the traditional types of marriage.
Once a couples' children are raised, they should each spend time focusing on their own pursuits for a while and then join up again to make a better partnership.
That is my view.
I have found that a lot of times in conversation people aren’t really paying attention to you they’re only thinking about what they are going to say next
True. But capturing attention is a skill, and so is finding interesting people to be with. And: have you paid attention to absolutely everything anyone has ever said?
I think that the majority of us never learn how to have a truly engaging conversation and it's something we seldom if ever practice. Conversation is truly an art, its value significantly underestimated by many.
@@HansenFT no my mind drifts when they get boring..
Thank you Mr Peterson, you may not know how important you are but I do.
Dr Peterson, most parts of me that I'm proud were built with the foundation of your education. I won't be the same man without you. Thank you for everything. Love and strength to you.
Utterly brilliant! This act of listening to the point of being able to summarize the other person's perspective -- possibly even with a stronger point than they can convey -- is so generous, so transformative that it can't help but change the course of your own thinking and outlook. What is maturity if not this?
I wish I had direct access to individuals of a certain ilk or could afford therapeutic competence such as this...this is certainly massively, vastly better than nothing.
Sadly at some point if you're quite educated on topics like this (e.g. watching and reading JP for a few years, but also reflecting and other things), then even good expensive psychologists I've talked to in Europe are not much more useful than just talking with your friends / family / intelligent people about your problems openly (if you're capable of being as open with those people as you are open with psychologist). So as a TL;DR I would totally find valuable having a psychologist of a level close to JP, however I doubt that there's many exist and they're probably working with top 1% of top 1% of top 1% etc
So TL;DR just keep facing your dragons. Orient yourself. And ofcourse clean up your goddamn door
Also check "Clean Up Your Room" song 🥰
My husband and I went to a therapist who saw us together, and when one of us made a statement, she would turn to the other and say, what did you just hear (him, her) say? And that person would say what they thought they heard, and most of the time the other person would say no, I meant xyz, not zyz. And it would take 2-4 tries before we could concentrate on what the other person had actually said without polluting it with our own expectations of rejection or accusation. It took a lot of work to separate ourselves from the way a lot of people had treated us in the past. Forgiveness is key.
Thanks Dr Peterson, you’ve helped us in more ways than you could know.
?? He helped who? You? Well, how did he help you?
People who live rough lives have little nuggets of wisdom that life taught them through hard knocks. I've learned things from homeless drug addicts in the midst of psychotic rambling. Some hells are better than others.
I came here to learn how to get out of a damn conversation and that wasn't discussed.
Lol thats exactly how I interpreted the title too. How do I gracefully escape a convo that wont end??
Yes changes happen in life all the time. But changes for the better are much rarer and much more difficult to recognize. Also a therapeutic relationship is as hard to find as genuine improvements in life. And i'm not talking about psychologists for hire. You can find them a dime - a - dozen. hahahahahahaha Thanks again *DOCTOR* Peterson. One of the very few who actually deserve the title.
Once I feel someone is talking at me, instead of to me. I completely shut them out and stop wasting my time.
I’m so degenerate that I thought the title was describing how to walk away from a conversation when someone talks too much 😂
Same
Realization of my adversarial ways in my relationships has stunted me greatly. Resetting my approach won't be easy, yet I know I want to change for my relationships sake.
30 seconds in... 👏👏👏
Dr. Peterson is a gifted teacher. He also demonstrating the value, efficacy and the classic superiority of the live, in-person classroom vs online instruction.
Something hardly anyone ever does nowadays is steel manning, ie, listening to an idea and repeating it back as best as you have understood it to the original interlocutor. A system predicated on every single subject we seriously study in this life. Conversely, there's an overwhelming abundance of straw manning around, where folks just try to destroy any argument or aspect or part of the sentence of what others are saying.
A mundane example. We recently visited a couple on business. We have very little in common. She is obsessed with the material value of property. He is obsessed with power stations. (I think he worked on them.) I have cultivated being a 'good listener' which is often interpreted by the person I listen to as me being a 'good conversationalist' . Which tells you a lot about what people want from a 'conversation'...Most people simply want to be listened to. Anyways. I listened to an hour on power stations. I asked what I hoped were intelligent questions. Not much of it stuck because well, I am not truly interested at the level he was going. Still, somewhere or other he illustrated some point about the flow of power with a mole trap. I told him we had a terrible mole problem but seemed to have an issue with setting the 'scissor trap' correctly. He happily showed me and I could see where I was going wrong. I got something useful out of the whole episode. He was happy that someone had taken an interest and he was doubly happy that he could impart knowledge. All good. The power station stuff is filed under 'pending'. With the current energy crisis I may have to dredge some of it up.
This is could be written on my wall. All of it. My issue, is that I Need to be understood (working on it), and in this world, that's not an easy task, as I am a wombat too...
I don't find many people interested in being deeply truthful. I don't think they even know how. So caught up in preserving the ego.
How am I having a "conversation" if I'm to just sit silent and listen while the other person talks?
This was Enlightening & such a great thing to know I learned a few communicating tool in this video but in gonngo back and watch it over & over till I get & understand then all & implement them in every conversation best as I can & that will improve my life in a positive e at. The most intrrsting thing I heard is about leaning to hear what the last person said & says it out loud (if in a group or a single conversation) and by hearing what they said you can expound and actually make their argument even better that was light bulb & that is some good listening ! 🤗🧐
Lol I miss under stood the title. I was expecting tips on HOW to get out of a conversation you’re trapped in.
This is so hard to listen to you just made your arguement and I left the room
I must be pretty good at listening because I have people who spill their guts to me on the regular that I have either just met or barely know.
Day 47 of highly recommending that you read Berserk
While usually I'm critiquing his various videos I will acknowledge this one as quite effective and hope we all grasp the difficulty in actually listening to another and the importance of figuring that out.
JP YOU ARE A MADMAN!!!! ....in a good way. :) I love your lectures and you are teaching me more and more how to change the things I do not like ...however ...change does not come easy for most and I am not the exception. I see though how you are a caring man and I respect your advice because... IT JUST MAKES SENSE! I am listening ..I am at a stage of my life I am listening more now than probably ever in my life! I know what has to be done and my life is a struggle and I feel more wise everytime I hear your advice. Keep spreading good words and good advice and stay humble as you do, no matter what there will be critics but your listeners I PROMISE.. are much much more.
You know that last line really hits hard. Maybe i've been doing it wrong all these years. I have always done that, and communication has always been difficult.
Based on this title, I thought I was going to learn how I could escape conversations I didn’t want to be a part of 😂
Not gonna lie. I thought this was going to be about how to avoid a conversation 🤣
👍 You are truly one of the smartest people in the world 🌎
This ones title doesn’t do it justice. That end experiment took me decades to learn on my own. Anyone is wiser for knowing it and I respect your expertise in condensing it to such a simple package.
The issue I have with this (is because I do this when I engage with people already particularly women) I will refocus it to make sure we are on the same page with their point. I address that issue, and once I do they go back and change what it is their grievance is about. So the thing is (my personal opinion) a lot of people in society are not happy having their voices heard. They are happy dictating the emotional submissiveness of everyone until they get warn down of doing it
The last sentence hits close to home
James 1:19 KJV
Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
Yes! Sharp as a serpent and swift as a dove.
I wonder what it says about me that I read this as "this one trick will get you out of continuing a damn conversation"
Repeating what you/they have heard is such a great practice!
By pursuing discussion with people who are different than you, your horizons can be broadened by exposure.
Edit: 'understanding with the person you're listening to' is brilliant, I hadn't considered it that way. Thank you JP!
This lecture is exactly what I was mentioning to somebody.
I suggested this to a friend while he was having a 2 year old’s meltdown & he absolutely HATED the idea. Because it meant he’d have to stop the toddler tantrum for a moment and actually listen & have a god damn conversation. …it was tragically comical.
Jordan Peterson?
The self-recognized, "the intellectual hero" for incels.
I cannot think of too many groups of legal people I would rather NOT be a 'hero' to then incel's.
☮
6:24 😆 I love this man. To the point, and spot on.
I've had this particular response to those who accuse me of being opinionated. I'm opinionated because I value your opinion. In fact, I believe I deserve your opinion. And by extension, if I believe I deserve your opinion, it seems reasonable that you deserve my opinion. I know this generally doesn't work for those unwilling and especially unable to defend their opinions, but I can't seem to stop myself because I keep thinking that I will someday have a worthwhile conversation with someone willing to either adjust theirs or my opinion (it does happen). When I was very young my sister had this habit of sayin "you think you know everything". Well, no, I don't think that. But I was a voracious reader and I do have a habit of sharing things I've learned. My sister is like a very large amount of people. Unwilling to learn.
I need this.
SJW's don't argue; they obfuscate. A lot of Americans don't understand this.
If you are right do they want to hear, embrace and then comply.
If you are wrong can you see why.
Embracing a position without reason is nihilistic.
Words are.
For by the word all things were created.
Can you see creation?
They are communication from Yah.
This is a conversation we must listen to.
As always. A heartfelt Thank You Professor Perterson for helpful perspective & help.
Love the recent lectures. A-10 stuff.
I was @4:51 before I realized this wasn't actually about getting OUT of a conversation 😐
I'm so conditioned by youtube clickbait that I actually thought this was one.
Like, "Everything you need to know about getting out (as in leaving) of a conversation is this one thing you don't know"
Sheesh on me!
.. WALK AWAY... if God has blessed you with two legs that work then you need to utilize them. No reason to entertain someone who has no capacity for reasoning
i don't know how you can make a college course out of that kind of material....some of its intriguing, some of its useful, but its all over the map with an occasional nugget here and an occasional nugget there......yah, ok, truth is much better than lies and i think we all know that even before we get into a college situation.........but its nobody's job to listen to 49 irritating rants about say for example marxism to try to catch one useful new item about say for example how to bake a cake without butter if you have no butter as the 50th item jewel of new information i didn't know before....unless somebody is paying you to listen.
the management and care of psychiatrically disturbed patients (clinical psychology) is not what most people do or how they orient their time on a day to day basis and most conversations aren't verbal gunfights unless you tend to be somewhat adversarial and controversial and you go around challenging everybody you meet about everything they believe and think is important.
Loving the awesome free amount of Motivation/ professional advice on Motivation Madness.
Love u Jordan & my other go to the mighty David Goggins. Nice to sit by urself & listen to rounded & professional discussion on how to improve/inspire
Love this professor
I find explaining a person's position to them is extremely effective. First of all it allows me to understand their point. Second it allows them to know that I understand their point. Third, it allows me to expose why their point is incorrect.
Frequently their point would be valid if certain suppositions were true. So I simply tell them what suppositions would have to be true for their point to be valid, which breaks down their argument for me.
My problem is I had no one to talk to. Then I finally get with somebody. And I can't stop talking. Just lonesome
Jordan, Sir, you indicate that we can increase our aptitude by conversation. (On the basis that both/all parties want to be better)
I find a little humour, when you also say that you have a flaw of speaking a lot.
What a privilege to walk the earth at the same time as you!
Jordan sounds very pushy and domineering. He sounds like my brother, in fact. I know my brother is smart and has some good ideas, but usually his purpose is to use me for his purpose and if I listen, I will find out how he intends me to be used for his benefit. Even if the benefit is only to show me up and to impress me. If he wants to impress me, he must actually have admiration for me on some level. But I don't want to be talked at by him and I keep quiet and avoid him.
Took me 6 minutes to realize I was reading the title wrong. This is not "The one 'thing you need' to be able to get out of a damn conversation". Oops :) Great lesson though and glad I watched.
Dr Peterson always has something intelligent and interesting and useful to offer. The smart listener pays attention, and then thinks about what he just said. Try his suggestions. Take notes. Discuss. But Listen!
Ok every living being on this planet will eventually die one day.
So because of that you might have deep connections with the world because we are one the same train.
What about if you are feeling lonely right now what do you think about death?
Can anyone suggest a good, comprehensive as much as possible, book by Rogers?
How many people only read the first part of the sentence and came here for the magic bullet on how to EXIT a conversation?
Typical JP word salad. By the time he gets to the point, his audience is willing to accept whatever he says just to get it over.
I recently saw his podcast episode with Russell Brand and you can see him applying these principles there. Kind of cool
Maybe one day he will open a live chat...
But he was a professor you know,you are not allowed to speak while he is talking its rude
Why would you be applying lipstick in the middle of a lecture? 4:28
I think a lot of conversation that is not reciprocol is due to there being a passive aggressive undercurrent happening with one or both people in conversation. They aren’t relating with the other person with a clean slate or a renewed mind- they are stuck on something else.
The person I struggle talking with the most is sadly my mother. I think I am broken. I love you mum.
He had me telling truth to {those on the lighter side} but I don't know what to say about this. I've met people with law, medical, psychological, math, physics, ...even the poor bastards who have Biochemistry Degrees. They all sound like this when they're drunk.
Was I ~ a. a student
b. a grant agent
c. a bartender
If you are selling something you want to avoid nice people because at the end of the day you will not sell anything
The way to get out of a conversation is to be Jordan Peterson and start talking about stuff to people.