How Do I Handle Lying
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- Опубликовано: 16 авг 2013
- Knowing how best to handle lying is often a significant challenge for adoptive and foster parents.
Watch as Dr. Karyn Purvis and Michael Monroe offer insights to help parents effectively respond to lying while remaining connected with their child.
I am learning so much from Karyn Purvis. Thank you
I really like this. It's impossible to live or teach my kids something I was never thought. Thanks for posting these great videos.
Sure it is....just make it up, Your the parent, They must obey you!
thank you
its really helpful,thanks even in day to day
Glad to hear this!
What happens when the child is an adult level liar? I’ve seen a 7 year old successfully gaslight someone with a masters degree.
Stay tuned to the channel, we have a podcast episode we recorded with our friend Robyn Gobbel where we addressed this very issue in long form and it should be published within the week or so.
So what do you do when your child refuses to tell the truth? We have tried it all. Consistently any time he's come to us with the truth we celebrate it. But when he lies, he says hes afraid to tell the truth! It makes no sense, we don't freak out when he admits things, so how can he be afraid?
I am with you there. For my 11 year old daughter I am starting to lean towards it being a self esteem issue not being naughty. She likes to make up elaborate stories. I also wonder if she is making good memories to share, since she doesn’t have so many. We are her and her brothers 6th placement. She has been in DCS since she was 6.
Children pick up on energy and emotions very very well. If they feel pressured at all, they may hide the truth (the most vulnerable part of themselves) to try and feel "safe." I feel pressure coming from you just from your comment - your child will feel this 10x more. Let go, manage your own emotions first, get support with this for yourself if necessary.
@@gracelewis6071 Trust me. He lies about everything. To everyone. Just this week he lied to my mom when she asked if he liked hotdogs. He said he's never had them when just this past weekend we made them on the grill. If he were doing it as protection I would get it. But it's about everything... not just when he feels he'd get in trouble.
@@MaryJaneOctane What you described doesn't sound like a lie to me - it sounds like he either doesn't know what "hot dog" means, (kids make unusual associations often) or forgot that's what you called them, forgot you had them, or is totally focused on something else in the moment. He sounds like he's in the stage of exploring story and the world around him. The fact that you are framing this as a "lie" suggests that he probably feels as if he will be or is in trouble ALL the time - he's reality testing, and the feedback he's getting is frightening him because to him it's inconsistent. He may be perfectly innocently forgetting all about his prior experience with hot dogs - kids live in the now moment a LOT, and the "bad kid, how dare you lie" feedback he's getting will totally cross his wires. He doesn't know what will get him in trouble or not because his internal experience is not matching his external one.
I know this comment is a year old, but I'll answer anyway for future readers. I don't know that I've been too successful, but two things have helped me. One is I reduced the opportunity to lie. I don't ask things I already know the answer to. Instead of "did you leave the fridge open" which is a silly question because it was just us in the house - of course it was her - I say "I see you left the fridge open. Remember to shut it all the way so the food stays good." The lying for my child was fear-based. Her bio mom would harm her for random things. She never knew when she was going to be in trouble or for what, so she had to constantly lie to avoid punishment. So once she realized that there wasn't going to be any hitting at my house and that if I ever was upset it was over something that actually occurred and made sense, life became more predictable for her and she didn't need to lie. There was a time when she'd get fearful and resort to old habits, like when her glasses broke and she had to come tell me. In those moments, I'd say "You're not in trouble, but that doesn't sound truthful. Take a quick break and some deep breaths and come talk to me about it when you're ready." After about 6 months, it was just normal harmless kid lying when she wanted to avoid embarrassment. I took her to a high school football game and asked if she'd ever been. She was 12 by this point. She told me yes she'd been to lots. Just moments into the game it was clear by her awe and excitement that she'd never actually seen a game in person. But I didn't get stressed about the lie because it wasn't harm-causing, and in her head it probably felt like "Everyone has seen a game but me". You might even try being straightforward about it by saying something like "You don't need to lie to get out of trouble here. When you tell me the truth, we can fix the problem together." But I've not yet had a child who was doing the constant compulsive lying like some of the comments list. For those kids, I think I'd still reduce opportunity to lie and maybe even have re-dos or role play the truth telling. Each kid is going to be different because their reasons for lying will be different. Maybe some the act of lying is an adrenaline rush that feels good, but that still kinda stems from "yay I'm not getting in trouble!"