I think there's massive amounts of this in fanfic. I'm starting to realize how much I went to fanfic to fill that hole, and while it's a GREAT temporary fix, it didn't solve the underlying issue.
Lol you have no idea how many people with these wants I've met, some even want to be parented by their favourite characters, it's a pretty common soothing mechanism.
Omg same!! I used to watch a tv show and i was obsessed with a woman on The show. I was 12 at The time and i felt like she was always with me, watching me and caring for me. She has been «with» me up until a few years ago. I still sometime feels she is with me, but i know now that’s impossible. The most incredible part was that when i was 14 i went to The u.s and i accidently met The actress from that tv show. I am too emberasst to tell in therapy, but i think i will try do tell. I think it tells alot
Until I watched this video I never realised I think about this a lot as well. But I do, but it is so confusing, one side of me wants to be loved and cared for so badly, to have someone tell you hey you're great and I like you let me take care of you. But then there is the other side that cannot accept anyone taking care of me, because no one would ever want to do that sincerely so if they are being nice it's because I manipulated the situation and forced them to or they want something from me. Which is incredibly frustrating.
i can totally relate. want people to love me and care for and about me, but at the same time, i feel like when people do love me and care for me I'm always thinking that it's because they felt like they had to in some way, and not because they genuinely care. how do i stop thinking this way? it stops me from being truly open and honest with people, even people i trust..
You took the words right out of my mouth! I want to be loved but I worry the person being affectionate doesn’t really care because I feel unloveable, and I’m scared that they’ll leave and I’ll be worse off than before I met them.
I’ve been on my own since I was 18 and I am 22 as I’m writing this comment. Yes I have a nice group of good friends but I so desperately need someone to hug and hold hands with. I met this girl a couple months ago and long story short, it were the nicest and most beautiful two months I have had in years. Unexplainable… I say two months because I broke up with her 10 days ago due to issues that are not necessarily important for the topic at hand but were significant at least from my POV… but here I am yet again, crying my eyes out at 1 am because I got nobody to hug, nobody to tell “Good night” or “I love you” to, nobody to text “I miss you”… And f*** yes, I do miss her, a whole lot. All I want to say I just feel very alone and sad, dark all around and no light to be seen. But RUclips comment section has suffered through much worse so I hope nobody will mind this comment. I realise how pathetic it might seem but there is nobody else I could talk to or say that I miss being loved by someone. I don’t know whether everybody would laugh their ass off or not, probably so because in the short time span I really do have everything a person could want financially, but man would I give up on it all just for one person to truly care for me. To be happy when she sees me. That’s all, I guess.. :(
It makes sense to feel this way when we have attachment issues. Being aware of how attachments work and then being open when meeting new people helps tremendously. 👍
my therapist and I hug after every session. sometimes I don't want a hug bc I'm in a bad mood or bc it was a rough session. but no matter what she always gives me a hug. and even if I don't want it I feel better after.
From my personal experience, I often feel an indirect impulse towards cuddling when I see a caring relationship dynamic on TV for example, but as soon as I focus on myself again, instead of the screen, I realize that my adult self would feel awkward to be cared for in such a...childlike way. So I guess, as Kati said, there is an old, underlying childlike impulse of wanting to be cared for, but also a mature impulse that wants to be independent and emotionally separated. In my experience, it can be comforting to not focus on the "real, current" me in the context of care & cuddling, but to sit or lay down, close my eyes, focus on that feeling of wanting-to-be-cared-for, imagine it like a representation of my inner child and then imagine that child to be hugged. Either by a representation of my adult self, in a fatherly way, or by any kind of motherly figure. Sometimes that can be quite comforting, especially since it's a kind of self-provision of care and since it allows me to actually feel that feeling and not store it up.
Demian Haki yes i know what you mean i get these ideations but once when someone i felt that way about actually did cuddle me when i was crying i felt so embarassed as a 26 yr old woman
It's okay, don't be ashamed of yourself. You're not this way intentionally, it has happened to you somehow and with me and all of us in the comment section. We'll get better. Hope you soon feel better about yourself. It's okay, take your time.
This is normal and healthy. 🤗I am a massage therapist and understand the significance of touch. Why this is labeled here as unhealthy makes zero sense. Not every human desire experience by someone that experienced trauma is wrong. My goodness!
I have definitely seen myself having a problem with this as well. Especially teachers, my therapist, and youth group leaders. I remember one day when my therapist called me "Kiddo" and it just seemed to make my entire week. I am constantly just looking for their warmth and support though out my daily life... especially because I can't get it from my mom.
My mum died when I was 13, my alcoholic father neglected me so I moved out of home when I was 15. Met my boyfriend at 19 and he died when I was 25 from illness. Now at 35, my current partner says he doesn’t want to cuddle me because he “doesn’t feel like it”. I have never actually felt loved, despite giving my all to people who didn’t appreciate or recripocate it. I am so depressed as a result.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.. that is just terrible terrible. You deserve love, you matter today, you mattered yesterday and you willl matter tomorrow ❤
Hi, Kati... I clicked on this and almost started crying while I watched it. I do this all the time. I mean, my mentor had to sit down with me and tell me that I was getting too attached to her. I have so many professors and teachers that I just want to hug and take care of me. Even thinking back to when I was younger (like 14ish), I can remember fantasizing getting hurt and having someone that I wanted attention from taking care of me. I was that child who wouldn't stop crying in the nursery. When I got into middle school/high school, I stopped going to anyone for help, even my parents. Now, in college, I feel like I'll go to just about anyone who shows me a hint of caring. I crave personal attention so much. Now I'm 21 and I'm dealing with anxiety and depression and probably an eating disorder (no diagnosis yet but...). I'm so scared that it's not real and I just want "attention", but it's made me realize how often I fantasize being cared for and hugged and stuff. I don't starve myself just so people will notice, but at the same time, I literally fantasize stuff like this all the time. I never thought that it was abnormal. I've never been abused or neglected or anything. I've never had a traumatic situation happen. I was adopted at birth, so there is that, but... I've been with my parents since I was 5 minutes old so... Thanks in advance :)
MusicalMeadows I'm so close to crying right now. This is soooo me! Thank you for writing this because now I know what is wrong with me and that there are other people feeling the same!
I can relate. I think I experienced childhood emotional neglect but it took me until my 30s to realize that. I can develop secure attachments to some people with effort, but my default is to feel anxious about relationships. I seem to need a lot of affection and reassurance. Sometimes pets like dogs or cats are easier for me to deal with than people because they just want to cuddle and be loved, too.
I feel good to know I’m not the only person to have these feelings. Seeing you guys opening up make me warm up and think we need to be more open and accepting of people’s needs.
My family never hugs each other or anything, we rarely even make eye contact. Until high school, I hated any touch from other people, but upon my freshman year I met a group of older students who would always hug everyone, myself included. They’re a very physically affectionate group, and since meeting that group I love hugs and want hugs all the time. It’s weird, like if I’m scared, all I want is to hold someone’s hand or to be held, but not even 5 years ago if someone even brushed past me I would have a break down! I still am working on eye contact though, but it’s getting better!!
This may sound weird but my horse has helped me a lot with my attachment issues and constant need for comfort. Before I got her, I would go to extreme measures to achieve affection and attention, I even caused a long term injury by bailing off a bolting horse when I knew I could have clung on longer and ended up snapping my humerus and clavicle. Then I got my pony, Pippa, and she provided me with something I could safely attach myself to and focus on rather than trying to attach to people who come and go throughout life. After Pippa came along, I stopped getting so attached to people and found that she soothed a lot of my anxiety. My therapist suggested the reason I feel so relaxed on a horse is because of the rocking motion which instinctually feels comforting. She said it's interesting how I have chronic anxiety in the safest situations yet I have absolutely NO fear or anxiety when I'm flying around a jumps course or spinning around barrels. That's why I'm looking in to equine psychotherapy to treat my disorders as the only place I feel at home is with horses. 💙
KenzieAndPip I’m so glad you have Pippa with you! I don’t have much experience with horses, but I love animals, especially cats. I think being around animals can be very healing. Some animals are a lot more unconditionally loving than humans can be. I miss my neighbor’s cats and how they’d literally run over to say hi to me. They’d follow me and sit on my back porch with me after work.
my inpatient therapist asked permission to hug me when I was freaking out and I said yes and I felt cared for and I was able to release my emotions. I believe and so does !y inpatient and outpatient therapist that I was nurtured as a child as my mother was always working and my father wasn't a part of my life. xxxx
I haven’t had a single good touch (hug, hold hands, cuddle, etc) in a very long time. Both of my parents work and I’m out of school and only work weekends so I’m home alone all day. I’m also single so that makes me very isolated from human contact. I feel very lonely and depressed. There’s a spot in my heart that’s empty on love
Well, I am certain I have atratchment issues. In fact, my psychologist commented specifically about my problem with men. I can't say I wasn't loved as a child. I was. I had a really good relationship with my mom. But my dad was gone a lot as he was in the army, and my sibling were so close, the ignored me. And, me being me when I was little, I liked to follow them around even when they didn't want me there. and that combined with mean kids and my ever so present fear of people (which is now a social phobia I am working through), I guess that is what caused this. I get near people, then I push them away. It sucks. So I was loved, but I still have trouble. Thank you for making this video!
omg literally my LIFE. thank you SO much for making this and to whoever had the courage to ask this. I always feel so ashamed of this feeling but it's been like this huge thing in my life and i HATE it. It's the most painful thing and it sounds ridiculous out loud but god, it hurts so SOOO bad to always be longing for this. And what you said about it keeping on getting ripped back open again. Wow. YES!!! EXAXCTLy. omfg I'm so excited for the video on attachment now.
I am so glad you found it helpful and is a good reminder that you aren't alone in feeling like this. xoxo I hope you find the other one helpful when it comes out!! xoxo
Totally not crying... This video explains SO MUCH about me and my behaviours thank you so much for this 😭 I rly thought I was just weird, clingy and crazy. I never realized how much what my mom did and did not do to me could affect me now. I thought, well why would something that happened so long ago still affect me so much, especially if technically my grief is a closed case? Thanks to this video, I will try more to not shame myself or criticize myself around this, and talk about it straightforwardly to my therapist.
I have this too, but I thought it was just me. I'm so glad it's not! I had kind of figured out that my obsession with hugging people and feeling loved and getting attention stemmed from being constantly brought down by my dad and called a "problem", and I know that I'm overly clingy with my mum to the point where it pisses her off because I constantly want hugs (even though I'm 15, and not 5), but it's really reassuring to know that I'm not the only one! :)
I'm like that with my mom too, i'm twelve but my dad is kind and I have never been abused I think its because of my anxiety. nice to know there are other people like me :)
Thank you for this video. I crave to be hugged by certain people that I'm attached to, and at the same time, I feel like I dissociate when hugged (trauma related). I always felt stupid for wanting hugs so bad, and for wanting certain people to take of me and in a way, be a mother figure for me. My best friend didn't take me seriously as it sounds so childish. Glad to know that I'm not alone though, and will definitely have to remember to bring this up in my next therapy session!
That's understandable. I didn't open up very often until I got into a DBT program because I judged myself too harshly whenever I shared my thoughts, feelings, and experiences with others. It gets easier the more you s do it.
me too. i want someone to talk too but i have no one. my best friend could not help me. she would just say she dont understand. she never really understand how i feel or any story i told her.
I've heard it theorized that people with a low need for touch are that way because their family didn't touch much and so that's what they got used to, that people with a high need for touch are that way because their family didn't touch much and they want to get the touch they never did, that people with a low need for touch are that way because their family touched a lot and they're already satisfied, and that people with a high need for touch are that way because their family touched a lot and that's what they got used to. On the whole I don't think any of those theories really explain much. ;) My theory is this: Different people need or want different amounts of touch, for various reasons. There are probably various factors both genetic and environmental. If you happen to want an amount and kind of touch that's available and allowed in your society/community/environment, you feel OK. If you want more or different touch than your society/community/environment provides, you feel lonely. If you want less or different touch than your society/community/environment insists on, you feel invaded and pressured. Whatever the reasons for people's needs and preferences, I suggest that we always ask very specifically before touching anyone in any way, and that we also ask people about their touch needs and try to fulfill them.
I as a man feel this and crave this. I want the affection from a woman so badly. To feel loved and cared for. It painful and sad I can't get this and if I do its temporary. The relationship doesn't work but I still want her affection. Physical touch feels like it heals everything. Even if there's conflict.
With BPD, I always hated being touched or hate touching, even when it came to my ex wife and girls! Now, I only want to be held by my therapist due to attachment issues! However, I don't want to be taken care of! She's in Japan for a month and it's been driving me crazy because I have seen her for every week the last 4 and 1/2 years! Therapy and Attachment is a double edged sword! I hate being close to someone due to this kind of vulnerability!
Sometimes I feel, guilty about my need for affection because I know my parents gave me plenty as a child, so when I am desperately wanting affection I feel like I’m slapping my parents in the face because they tried their very best, and it seems like it was not good enough for me, and now I’m trying to get it from someone else...
i cant believe there are so many other people with this same problem and i have never met anyonein my life!!.... if we had we would given lots and lots of hugs to each other....without being ashamed...
I don't know if you have answered this question but I have a lot of problems expressing my feeling and it's like I'm kinda scared of being judged by people so I really don't say things that I have held in for a long time, thanks for listening of you can't answer it I understand.
Thank you person that wrote this question! And thank you Kati, for talking about it. I can really relate to having these "weird" needs and hopes and wants for affection, for example from my own therapist. I feel really ashamed about it, but I hope I will be able to talk about it with her some time. I'm looking forward to seeing more videos on the attachment subject! Love this channel! - Tina
DBT rules! Also, for anyone struggling...stuff like this and regulating emotions gets MUCH better and easier with therapy, lots of practice, and time! I promise!
These past couple of days I've been spiraling into negative thoughts. I slept throughout those days and didn't eat. I cut off connection from social medias. But luckily I found your RUclips channel and finally got the courage to book an appointment with a counselor for the first time and saw them today. I felt so free! Thank you for sharing your knowledge and giving me courage to see a counselor. At the moment I'm trying to be proud of myself and not letting anything take that from me!
i think it's so important to find non-professionals to meet that need. its so crucial. I never found DBT/talk therapy to be helpful for this problem for me (b/c it can't fabricate relationships). It wasn't until I was adopted (after being in foster care and aging out alone) that these problems started to go away.
This is literally me summed up and I didn't realise it until now. I miss my form teacher so much now it's summer she's the one person who has literally saved my life and I can't live without her. I can't wait until September so I can see her everyday at school again :( I am like this towards her
I cried watching this because this is the way I feel my whole life.I am getting attached to EVERYONE and have obsessions and I really cannot handle this because I get so hurt as all of what I make in my mind is JUST IN MY MIND.I am soooo attached to my therapist and no one knows it,I feel so ashamed to tell her and I don't think I ever will.I told her after more than a year of obsessing over her that I have an absession and hadn't told her until now but I did not even tell her what my obsession is about and I will probably never do so.Thank you for making videos and explaining things,you cannot imagine how much you have helped me understand what is going on with me and stop feeling so self conscious about these(and other) thoughts and feelings of mine.I am really looking forward to your next video about this topic.Please do not stop making vids if possible,you are helping people SOOO MUCH!!Thanks again and congratulations,you are doing an amazing job!!
I feel really weird about it because I do have loving parents and I have a supportive and caring partner but I still feel like I just want cuddles and physical attention all the time and I think I'm just screwed up because my childhood was good, I'm just anxious
SssandNBtwnMytoes I got adopted at 2 yrs old from China. my orphanage was extremely abusive and messed me up majorly especially on the emotional side. I feel ya!!!
Thank you SO MUCH for talking about these topics around attachment! I'd love to hear much more to be honest. Also I can't wait for the attachment-disorder-video!!!
Of course!! There is so much to talk about when it comes to attachment and relationships! xoxo I hope you like the other video when it comes out too :) xoxo
I am grateful for my therapist who allows hugs. I feel sad when I read that some therapists are so afraid of boundary issues that not only do they not hug but they won’t even tell patients when they are doing good work.
The question wasn't answered, so here is a guess. You're looking for acceptance from someone outside yourself because you don't feel worthy of love (low self-esteem). You learned that in order to feel good about yourself you must fulfill a set of external conditions dictated by family & society. Fix: Stop looking for external validation. Start changing your internal thinking/beliefs about and realize that feeling good about yourself is your natural state, conditions need no apply.
Thank you for this video, Kati. I think I struggle with this a bit, but for me it's more the feeling/craving of me wanting to cuddle and take care of someone ELSE. I want to comfort someone when they cry, and hold them in their darkest moments. I'm not in a relationship, but I sometimes fantasize about comforting people I am attracted to. Why do I always want this?
When I saw the title of your podcast, I almost burst in tears. I am autistic and hated to be touched. Than, i just didn't like it ( it's not a real issue for noone seems to want to touch me). I was neglected as a child, there was nor physical nor emotional link between us. My family was (and still is - i'm 55 ) toxic. I can't stay in a relationship more than a couple of months, i think i made bad choices because I fear to get attached. And I experienced what I thought (of course!) it doesn't worth all the hard work I have to make as an Asperger autist. I wasn't diagnosed yet. For almost a year all my body kind of craves for being touched and hugged. My skin feels so aching of lack of even an hand on my shoulder... I'm in a deep depression, autistic burn out for a while, needing 4 months of hospitalisation, and I still go to day hospitalisation. I don't know how it works in other countries, but in Belgium, you don't hug people unless you know them for a long time, and never in a therapeutic relationship, we show feelings, care, support in different ways. I often cry because I need a hug. I probably have to grieve that need. And I feel it's unfair, because I have EhlersDanlos syndrome, my body aches so much, he needs to feel sweetness.. I feel soo ashamed and guilty about all that. My inner child wondering 'did i do something wrong ?'. I'm so happy to have my 3 cats from shelter, and we cuddle eachother. Thanks for your work. It really helps.
This resonated with me so much. Ever since young, never once my parents or family hugged me, even when I was crying or did an achievement. So, when I was in a relationship, I expected all that from my ex. When he didn’t give me, I didn’t search for anyone else. But when someone else showed me that, just a 10%, I fell for him and I cheated on my ex. I’m not a person who does that before or ever but till this day, I always think why I even did that. But videos like this finally making me understand. I’m not saying it’s not my fault. No, I’m totally taking account on this, it’s my fault but I also starting to realize why I did that. So, I’m fixing myself right now. To those who one day might read this, if you are a parent or going to be one, please please always make sure to kiss, hug your child. Ensure them that you always have their back no matter what. I’m 30 and I’m still recovering and it’s tiring. Idw this to happen to our future generations. I want them to be better people than us. Even now I still crave for parental figures and hugs and head rubs. You know what’s the worse? My parents still alive and my siblings are getting but not me. Cause I’m the black sheep that doesn’t conform to their toxic ways and wants to break that. Family should always love each other.
Hai Kati, People kinda just push suicide away. When someone talks about it, they help that person for one day then acts like it never happen. But schools and other people do something when it’s to late. They make people come to talk but then they all forget about the next day. That’s why it’s scary reaching out. Do you know why they push it away? Also you should do more videos on suicide.
I've noticed that too. I think even my therapist avoids the subject when she can. My parents don't want tô talk about it either. I feel like everybody just get rid of me and this suicidal thing as fast as they can.
Luciana Rosa I know right. It isn't right like I know it's a painful subject but we avoid it nothing is going to change. It's so sad :( Luciana I hope you feel better. xoxo
I’m from the U.K. and I grew up not getting many hugs and affection as I was part of social work services and the relationship is different to how it’s with family. I felt like it was important because I didn’t always get receive affection from my family and the professionals in my life like my mentor and social worker don’t really give me hugs. I would say I only get a hug on an occasion while I’m in their care. I had an incident with a youth worker and I didn’t get any hugs for a comfort. I was kind of alone, it’s really sad. I’ll be starting to have counselling to discuss it soon. Thank you for sharing me this, it has inspired me. ❤️
I find it strange that I wish some of my friends would cuddle with me, but when I had one friend actually hug me I was shocked, and almost uncomfortable. strangely, whenever I would need those things the most, I avoid them. I've pulled away from countless hugs because I was simply feeling down.
That is very common as well! We often will want to be comforted, but then it doesn't feel right when it happens... thank you for sharing this! I will talk about this more in other videos too :) xoxo
I'm going to watch your rad video next. I'm nervous about it because many therapists get it wrong. We finally got lucky with the therapist that my child goes to.
I'm a 16 year old girl and I suffer from Depression, Anxiety, ADHD, Perfectionist Tendencies, and ARFID (eating disorder). I ALWAYS fantasize about my therapist holding me. She hugs me every session but I mean like actually hold me. I can imagine it so vividly. This is how it plays out in my head: *I suppress my tears, but one escapes. She sees me holding back. She knows there's endless pain in my heart, and she knows how bad I need to cry. She tells me "Come here honey". It's like I almost already know what to do, as I stand up from the chair and sit down on the couch next to her. She hugs me tightly. I curl up into a fetal position and lay my head on her lap. She holds me and tells me to let it out and that I'm safe. I instantly start sobbing my heart out and she gently and lovingly rubs my back. She just lets me cry and cry for the entire session...* When I envision it, it leaves me in tears (I'm crying while typing this). I know this would help tremendously on my road to healing, but it can't happen. I'm also too afraid to bring it up to my therapist because I'm terrified she'll think I'm weird.
I Just want someone to hug me ;-; In the dream I had today, in one part of it, I was cuddling with someone I want to dream again. And, btw, I had a dream with the same context(It wasn't Just cuddling, btw), and the same character a long time ago. And when I had that dream today, the character said somenthing like "It's you again!" or "It's been so long!". It's strange, but I love that I could dream with him again. He's one of the people that make me feel safe and comfortable. I was kinda' angry It was all just a dream when I woke up ;v;
I'm an adult and I really crave affection and want to be treated like a child. Sometimes, I feel like I'm selfish because I want attention. People think I hate attention because I'm very shy but that's definitely not the case. What the heck is wrong with me??? Edit: I grew up perfectly fine. My family always loved me so it's not like I didn't get much love.
I feel the same way, but I was emotionally neglected. Your feelings are perfectly valid though. Not saying that. Just saying your not alone, I feel the same way. ☺️🥴👌
I don't even remember someone hugging me. I just remember 3-4 instances when I was a kid and my mom hugged me. I crave for hugging and cuddling each night before sleep. But live alone and social anxiety stops me from making relationships
I'm so glad you addressed this topic, Kati. I grew up always having these ideations of wanting my female role models (teachers, family friends, therapist) to cuddle me or call me sweet names. It just made me feel really good inside to almost "fantasize" that, if that makes sense. I always felt really uncomfortable with those thoughts. But my mind has often times taken those "cuddling/being cared for" fantasies to a a whole new level and become somewhat sexual. Kati, is that also normal, or is there really actually something very very wrong with the fact that those happen?
I should probably add that after this happening so many times, I eventually came out as bi-sexual. And these ideations that happen leave me feeling very uncomfortable with myself because of my sexuality.. mostly because the fantasies never happen with men.
Ive been ignoring my sexuality for long time. I guess it was because Ive been gaslighted my whole life, and never thought I have right to feel the feelings. So differentiating them was incredibly difficult. Sexual feelings were one of the main that I ignored. Ive been expecting to fall in love with girl for 20 years and never realized that my symphaty toward guys were not platonic as it seemed to me, but romantic. When I realized that, I started meditating to know myself better. In the beginning, ive been fantasizing only about cuddling and hugging with men. Mostly my closest male friend. All fantasies about men were romantic, without anything sexual. After maybe a year, or even more, it slowly started becoming sexual. I think this happened this way because I might be internalized shame about homosexuality so deep, and my brain litteraly differentiated sexual feelings from romantic feelings in trying to defend me. Before all of this, fantasies were pretty voajerish. Never with some1 I know or with face. Now the face is most important. And mostly it is with ppl Ive met. This escalated quickly :D Maybe this is just my coming out story, nothing to do with the video. But I thought it might help u recognize your feelings about sexuality, and maybe u can identify with something...
I relate to this so much, I was a kid with an absent mom that doesnt showed me love or support, I think about hugs all the time, most times when I feel like shit. I dont want to feel like this. I dont want to be a hugger. I always want to hug people that dont like hugs.... it sucks
I had a totaly unavailable parents so as an adult i fantasize a lot about someone hugging and soothing me ..i didn't have a good relationship with my mom till resently when i started having panick attacks then she took the time to finaly hug me and soothe me ..not gonna lie but i realy liked it like it is what i've always wanted from her even tho i'm not realy confortable with it but at least i can feel a humen warmth ...the this is that my therapist said today that my panick attacks are just for show so i would get what i want anc that even tho she warmed up to me and hugged me i sholdent get used to it and learn to soothe myself on my own ... now i feel terrible ...like when u get tge thing u've always wanted but someone tells u you're not worthy or don't need it and make u feel like it's so wrong to ask for it in the first place...now is that too much to ask for ? Am i realy that terrible ? like she said i'm been childish and it can turn to histiria...
A lot of these things you’re talking about in the video (hugs, overly attached to certain people) are ASD things that don’t have to coexist with attachment issues. Until I got diagnosed with ASD as an adult, I had gone years seeing therapists that assumed this sort of thing was an attachment issue and hammering that narrative into my brain. Now that I have a diagnosis that works for me, it’s clear that these tendencies stem from sensory-seeking behavior.
I'm single guy at the end of his twenties and I just feel like I want to sincerely hug a girl and take care of her (non sexual), and sometimes I see my self crying on her shoulder. I don't know why I feel that way.
This makes so much sense. Before I was adopted I was neglected by my birth mom and dad. I️ think because of that I have trust issues and when I really trust someone I tend to cling to them.
I think that to an extent this is a very normal human desire and basic need. love. and I think love can be expressed, shared a day received in many different ways. including self love. hug yourself, make yourself a cup of tea. find comforting things for you. this all being said in my depression and times when I am unemployed and alone a lot practising these things can still feel lonely. I'm lucky to have a partner I can cuddle. if you don't have that there are actually groups a day communities who have nonsexual cuddle groups. the other alternative is getting a hair cut , or massage.
I have never heard about that groups communities in Bolivia, i would like to be with people that understand my shoes, but here is difficult and most of the people live in their bubbles and close minded. I would apreciate any help.
Every night I long to be held/cuddled I may only be a teenager but thoughts of having a significant other there for me is always on my mind. I have depression and anxiety so I want someone to be there for me and hold me close when I’m having a panic attack or when Im crying my eyes out.
when I was a child, I was very much attached to my mom, but I was also bullied a lot and why I trust my mom the most, but since I'm grown up, she cant hug me for a long time anymore, which is why I'm am craving, I legit mean craving for hugs and affection, even this day I have a few friends but they are not comfortable with hugging
I feel the same way but I had a great relationship with my parents when I was little and always got affection from them so I don't know where it comes from
I love your videos so much. everytime I watch a new upload I always say 'I thought I was the only one' and it makes me feel so much better knowing I'm not alone. thankyou for making these videos, you help me so much:) xo
I think my mom is a narcissist. I always felt alone as a child. I used to cry when they used to act like I dont exist. I used to talk to a painting while my whole fam chatted together. I have always craved love. I am a love addict. I just want someone to take care of me. I hope I have money to get therapy one day
I grew up with an a father who at times was abusive, and other ways didn't show much love or affection (he was a good caretaker, my physical needs were met, sure, but not much else). So you are or were deprived of that emotional & physical need.
This sums me up. It's so hard esp. As I'm now in my forties and having been divorced and then gaining my own identity after being extremely dependant on my ex husband, it happened again with my ex boyfriend. I went from knowing my own mind to becoming dependant on him and it took a lot for me to leave him. I had to though as I had completely lost myself. I hope I can become self assured again because every time I relapse I want to be looked after like a vulnerable little child and it's so hard to recover from. ☹😢
Hi Kati! Can you make a video about DBT-therapy? I am starting on DBT-therapy the coming fall, and I am so scared of what will happen. I am from Norway, but I am sure the therapy and the ways of cooperating are pretty much the same. Thanks for being so helpful and supportive, Kati! Lots of hugs from me🌸
I was adopted while I was a baby so I didn’t think I would be too affected by it but it seems like I have been. My adoptive parents are great I love them and they showed me plenty of love and affection when I was younger and now that I’m 15. I do tend to bottle things up and I can’t afford therapy but I’ve recently become a reborn Christian so now I know one of the things I need to talk to God about. Thanks for this video
Hey this is the first symptom/problem that I can't really imagine having at all. Look at me being all healthy and stuff! (Or not empathetic enough, depends on how you look at it lol)
its been 24 years oct 11th and id give anything for one of my moms hugs. one more phone calls..she had my back. its why i got my psych degree i promised her id finish what i started do good for abandonded kids. i did. i miss her. she taught me its okay to be me...my weirdo self. i dont mind being alone. i was an excellent counselor. i loved each and every child. i hope they all found someone who deserves them.
I'm glad I found this video. I tend to get too attached to people. I don't know if I should talk to my therapist about it. I hate it because I feel very uncomfortable and "alone" when I'm not with friends etc.
Hey Kati My question is. How do I know if I have anxiety? I seem to get worried a lot in certain situations and have trouble breathing, overthinking and feels like a part of me died in some of those situations. I am currently taking anxiety medicine and it seems to help but I fear that it is just in my head. So how do I know if I really have anxiety? Love your videos and you have a gift. I love you.
Hello Kati! I have a great female therapist and she's very affectionate. But when it comes to hugging, she just sits on the chair and extends a single arm..And one thing she say's after EVERY hug.. "Make your own self the source of your positivity". It hurts me because I think I am bothering her too much. (She probably doesn't want to absorb my negative vibes by hugging me) .. So should I stop asking her for hugs? Should I then believe that this mathematics of positive negative vibes is way too important * than sharing a beautiful moment of love? What are your views regarding this? (after all, she has a complete right to maintain her positivity)
I'm the opposite. Unless I really know you or you are a family member I don't like being touched or hugged and men don't seem to understand this. They pull my arm and get me into a body hug and then my anxiety gets set off and I cry and try to get away and they don't understand what they've done. Unless I'm really comfortable with you, I don't like people touching me unless it's like a handshake or something that's fine.
Honestly, as a 21 year old male with NO physical touch history other than my mother hugging me. Uhhhh, it’s pretty sad and really draining. But I’m just gonna become a better me and ignore it. It’ll haunt me forever BUT it’ll be okay.
Omg Kati I feel this way all the time. I'm adopted and I wasn't close to my parents and we had a very superficial relationship. I feel like I want my therapist to hug me all the time. I hugged her once and she didn't say anything but I'm afraid to ask her to hug me.
I can relate... I like to imagine someone hugging me whenever I am sad
Lili ana same
That's a good resource to use. I'd say keep doing that.
Same
I spoon myself with pillows and I’m not proud of it
Hugggss❤️❤️
Whenever I cry at night the most I can do I hug my pillow and cry into it 🥺
I cry because I crave so much love, love is just a powerful feeling 😞
"/fictional character from a tv show"
*after all these years finally someone understands-*
I think there's massive amounts of this in fanfic. I'm starting to realize how much I went to fanfic to fill that hole, and while it's a GREAT temporary fix, it didn't solve the underlying issue.
Lol you have no idea how many people with these wants I've met, some even want to be parented by their favourite characters, it's a pretty common soothing mechanism.
I do it with guys I like/crush on I get so obsessive and attached and clingy and I annoy him to death and it’s so horrible omg
Oh goodness tell me about it
Omg same!! I used to watch a tv show and i was obsessed with a woman on The show. I was 12 at The time and i felt like she was always with me, watching me and caring for me. She has been «with» me up until a few years ago. I still sometime feels she is with me, but i know now that’s impossible. The most incredible part was that when i was 14 i went to The u.s and i accidently met The actress from that tv show. I am too emberasst to tell in therapy, but i think i will try do tell. I think it tells alot
Until I watched this video I never realised I think about this a lot as well. But I do, but it is so confusing, one side of me wants to be loved and cared for so badly, to have someone tell you hey you're great and I like you let me take care of you. But then there is the other side that cannot accept anyone taking care of me, because no one would ever want to do that sincerely so if they are being nice it's because I manipulated the situation and forced them to or they want something from me. Which is incredibly frustrating.
This is 100 percent me 😱
Can totally relate...
i can totally relate. want people to love me and care for and about me, but at the same time, i feel like when people do love me and care for me I'm always thinking that it's because they felt like they had to in some way, and not because they genuinely care.
how do i stop thinking this way? it stops me from being truly open and honest with people, even people i trust..
Anne this really hit home for me
You took the words right out of my mouth! I want to be loved but I worry the person being affectionate doesn’t really care because I feel unloveable, and I’m scared that they’ll leave and I’ll be worse off than before I met them.
*Hugs you tight*
Chris Letterman thanks
Thank you so much... I needed that even though it's not irl haha
@@starry_yoongs4999 hey I figured since the virtual was best I could do ^^
Thanks I rlly needed it🙂
@@strong3402 well anytime you need one I'm right here
I’ve been on my own since I was 18 and I am 22 as I’m writing this comment. Yes I have a nice group of good friends but I so desperately need someone to hug and hold hands with. I met this girl a couple months ago and long story short, it were the nicest and most beautiful two months I have had in years. Unexplainable… I say two months because I broke up with her 10 days ago due to issues that are not necessarily important for the topic at hand but were significant at least from my POV… but here I am yet again, crying my eyes out at 1 am because I got nobody to hug, nobody to tell “Good night” or “I love you” to, nobody to text “I miss you”… And f*** yes, I do miss her, a whole lot. All I want to say I just feel very alone and sad, dark all around and no light to be seen. But RUclips comment section has suffered through much worse so I hope nobody will mind this comment. I realise how pathetic it might seem but there is nobody else I could talk to or say that I miss being loved by someone. I don’t know whether everybody would laugh their ass off or not, probably so because in the short time span I really do have everything a person could want financially, but man would I give up on it all just for one person to truly care for me. To be happy when she sees me. That’s all, I guess.. :(
I hope you are in a place in your life to receive hugs and cuddles🫶🏻🤗take care
It makes sense to feel this way when we have attachment issues. Being aware of how attachments work and then being open when meeting new people helps tremendously. 👍
Goodnight (hope ur better now)
my therapist and I hug after every session. sometimes I don't want a hug bc I'm in a bad mood or bc it was a rough session. but no matter what she always gives me a hug. and even if I don't want it I feel better after.
I hope I find a therapist who’s okay with giving me a true hug every session too. I really need it
I wish my therapist was like you
Amén to that, amen to that
From my personal experience, I often feel an indirect impulse towards cuddling when I see a caring relationship dynamic on TV for example, but as soon as I focus on myself again, instead of the screen, I realize that my adult self would feel awkward to be cared for in such a...childlike way. So I guess, as Kati said, there is an old, underlying childlike impulse of wanting to be cared for, but also a mature impulse that wants to be independent and emotionally separated.
In my experience, it can be comforting to not focus on the "real, current" me in the context of care & cuddling, but to sit or lay down, close my eyes, focus on that feeling of wanting-to-be-cared-for, imagine it like a representation of my inner child and then imagine that child to be hugged. Either by a representation of my adult self, in a fatherly way, or by any kind of motherly figure. Sometimes that can be quite comforting, especially since it's a kind of self-provision of care and since it allows me to actually feel that feeling and not store it up.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experience with this :) xox
Demian Haki yes i know what you mean i get these ideations but once when someone i felt that way about actually did cuddle me when i was crying i felt so embarassed as a 26 yr old woman
I'm not god or anything but I don't see why you should be embarrassed
0:32 that fictional character part is so relatable.
ryuk, sangwoo, yoonbum, light, Levi, 02, rin, sakura lol ;)
@@wafaa857 LMAO NOT RYUK- (but lowkey same😭😭)
@@LUVTASTE LMAISJD 😭😭😭
I didn't know that other people felt like this. I thought it was just me. im so scared and idk what to do now. I just feel so lost and ashamed.😔
It's okay, don't be ashamed of yourself. You're not this way intentionally, it has happened to you somehow and with me and all of us in the comment section. We'll get better. Hope you soon feel better about yourself. It's okay, take your time.
This is normal and healthy. 🤗I am a massage therapist and understand the significance of touch. Why this is labeled here as unhealthy makes zero sense. Not every human desire experience by someone that experienced trauma is wrong. My goodness!
I have definitely seen myself having a problem with this as well. Especially teachers, my therapist, and youth group leaders. I remember one day when my therapist called me "Kiddo" and it just seemed to make my entire week. I am constantly just looking for their warmth and support though out my daily life... especially because I can't get it from my mom.
My mum died when I was 13, my alcoholic father neglected me so I moved out of home when I was 15. Met my boyfriend at 19 and he died when I was 25 from illness. Now at 35, my current partner says he doesn’t want to cuddle me because he “doesn’t feel like it”. I have never actually felt loved, despite giving my all to people who didn’t appreciate or recripocate it. I am so depressed as a result.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.. that is just terrible terrible. You deserve love, you matter today, you mattered yesterday and you willl matter tomorrow ❤
Hi, Kati... I clicked on this and almost started crying while I watched it. I do this all the time. I mean, my mentor had to sit down with me and tell me that I was getting too attached to her. I have so many professors and teachers that I just want to hug and take care of me. Even thinking back to when I was younger (like 14ish), I can remember fantasizing getting hurt and having someone that I wanted attention from taking care of me. I was that child who wouldn't stop crying in the nursery. When I got into middle school/high school, I stopped going to anyone for help, even my parents. Now, in college, I feel like I'll go to just about anyone who shows me a hint of caring. I crave personal attention so much.
Now I'm 21 and I'm dealing with anxiety and depression and probably an eating disorder (no diagnosis yet but...). I'm so scared that it's not real and I just want "attention", but it's made me realize how often I fantasize being cared for and hugged and stuff. I don't starve myself just so people will notice, but at the same time, I literally fantasize stuff like this all the time. I never thought that it was abnormal.
I've never been abused or neglected or anything. I've never had a traumatic situation happen. I was adopted at birth, so there is that, but... I've been with my parents since I was 5 minutes old so...
Thanks in advance :)
MusicalMeadows I'm so close to crying right now. This is soooo me! Thank you for writing this because now I know what is wrong with me and that there are other people feeling the same!
I can relate. I think I experienced childhood emotional neglect but it took me until my 30s to realize that. I can develop secure attachments to some people with effort, but my default is to feel anxious about relationships. I seem to need a lot of affection and reassurance. Sometimes pets like dogs or cats are easier for me to deal with than people because they just want to cuddle and be loved, too.
I have a friend who was adopted close to birth & has struggled around attachment so it could be that.
Mika Selchert wow I also had those weird fantasies of being hurt and then being taken care of I thought I was the only one
You are not the only one. Maybe we should all go & live in a big house & share lots of cuddles?
I feel good to know I’m not the only person to have these feelings. Seeing you guys opening up make me warm up and think we need to be more open and accepting of people’s needs.
My family never hugs each other or anything, we rarely even make eye contact. Until high school, I hated any touch from other people, but upon my freshman year I met a group of older students who would always hug everyone, myself included. They’re a very physically affectionate group, and since meeting that group I love hugs and want hugs all the time. It’s weird, like if I’m scared, all I want is to hold someone’s hand or to be held, but not even 5 years ago if someone even brushed past me I would have a break down! I still am working on eye contact though, but it’s getting better!!
This may sound weird but my horse has helped me a lot with my attachment issues and constant need for comfort. Before I got her, I would go to extreme measures to achieve affection and attention, I even caused a long term injury by bailing off a bolting horse when I knew I could have clung on longer and ended up snapping my humerus and clavicle. Then I got my pony, Pippa, and she provided me with something I could safely attach myself to and focus on rather than trying to attach to people who come and go throughout life. After Pippa came along, I stopped getting so attached to people and found that she soothed a lot of my anxiety. My therapist suggested the reason I feel so relaxed on a horse is because of the rocking motion which instinctually feels comforting. She said it's interesting how I have chronic anxiety in the safest situations yet I have absolutely NO fear or anxiety when I'm flying around a jumps course or spinning around barrels. That's why I'm looking in to equine psychotherapy to treat my disorders as the only place I feel at home is with horses. 💙
KenzieAndPip I’m so glad you have Pippa with you! I don’t have much experience with horses, but I love animals, especially cats. I think being around animals can be very healing. Some animals are a lot more unconditionally loving than humans can be. I miss my neighbor’s cats and how they’d literally run over to say hi to me. They’d follow me and sit on my back porch with me after work.
my inpatient therapist asked permission to hug me when I was freaking out and I said yes and I felt cared for and I was able to release my emotions. I believe and so does !y inpatient and outpatient therapist that I was nurtured as a child as my mother was always working and my father wasn't a part of my life. xxxx
I cried in from of my teacher because I messed up at school, and she just asked me for a hug..
I haven’t had a single good touch (hug, hold hands, cuddle, etc) in a very long time. Both of my parents work and I’m out of school and only work weekends so I’m home alone all day. I’m also single so that makes me very isolated from human contact. I feel very lonely and depressed. There’s a spot in my heart that’s empty on love
I'm 21 now and I'm crying at 5am because I'm in need for a long hug
I don't want a diagnosis, respectfully, I just want a sincere hug sometimes. Just one
boy is that way too much to ask for.
It still is.
Yes same here. I feel the same way
Me too
Well, I am certain I have atratchment issues. In fact, my psychologist commented specifically about my problem with men. I can't say I wasn't loved as a child. I was. I had a really good relationship with my mom. But my dad was gone a lot as he was in the army, and my sibling were so close, the ignored me. And, me being me when I was little, I liked to follow them around even when they didn't want me there. and that combined with mean kids and my ever so present fear of people (which is now a social phobia I am working through), I guess that is what caused this. I get near people, then I push them away. It sucks. So I was loved, but I still have trouble. Thank you for making this video!
omg literally my LIFE. thank you SO much for making this and to whoever had the courage to ask this. I always feel so ashamed of this feeling but it's been like this huge thing in my life and i HATE it. It's the most painful thing and it sounds ridiculous out loud but god, it hurts so SOOO bad to always be longing for this. And what you said about it keeping on getting ripped back open again. Wow. YES!!! EXAXCTLy. omfg I'm so excited for the video on attachment now.
I am so glad you found it helpful and is a good reminder that you aren't alone in feeling like this. xoxo I hope you find the other one helpful when it comes out!! xoxo
could you do a vid on maladaptive day dreaming?
You still have maladaptive daydreaming???
Totally not crying...
This video explains SO MUCH about me and my behaviours thank you so much for this 😭 I rly thought I was just weird, clingy and crazy. I never realized how much what my mom did and did not do to me could affect me now. I thought, well why would something that happened so long ago still affect me so much, especially if technically my grief is a closed case? Thanks to this video, I will try more to not shame myself or criticize myself around this, and talk about it straightforwardly to my therapist.
I have this too, but I thought it was just me. I'm so glad it's not! I had kind of figured out that my obsession with hugging people and feeling loved and getting attention stemmed from being constantly brought down by my dad and called a "problem", and I know that I'm overly clingy with my mum to the point where it pisses her off because I constantly want hugs (even though I'm 15, and not 5), but it's really reassuring to know that I'm not the only one! :)
I'm like that with my mom too, i'm twelve but my dad is kind and I have never been abused I think its because of my anxiety. nice to know there are other people like me :)
Thank you for this video. I crave to be hugged by certain people that I'm attached to, and at the same time, I feel like I dissociate when hugged (trauma related). I always felt stupid for wanting hugs so bad, and for wanting certain people to take of me and in a way, be a mother figure for me. My best friend didn't take me seriously as it sounds so childish. Glad to know that I'm not alone though, and will definitely have to remember to bring this up in my next therapy session!
I never knew this was a thing. this explains a lot of what I'm going through. thanks for this!!
I am the complete opposite. I just want to be alone, I don't want to share my feelings and problems even though my parents weren't that great
That's understandable. I didn't open up very often until I got into a DBT program because I judged myself too harshly whenever I shared my thoughts, feelings, and experiences with others. It gets easier the more you s
do it.
I'm not a therapist but this is probably a sign of another kind of insecure attachment.
Ricky Ricardo Yeah, that could be a dismissive attachment style.
me too. i want someone to talk too but i have no one. my best friend could not help me. she would just say she dont understand. she never really understand how i feel or any story i told her.
I've heard it theorized that people with a low need for touch are that way because their family didn't touch much and so that's what they got used to, that people with a high need for touch are that way because their family didn't touch much and they want to get the touch they never did, that people with a low need for touch are that way because their family touched a lot and they're already satisfied, and that people with a high need for touch are that way because their family touched a lot and that's what they got used to. On the whole I don't think any of those theories really explain much. ;)
My theory is this: Different people need or want different amounts of touch, for various reasons. There are probably various factors both genetic and environmental. If you happen to want an amount and kind of touch that's available and allowed in your society/community/environment, you feel OK. If you want more or different touch than your society/community/environment provides, you feel lonely. If you want less or different touch than your society/community/environment insists on, you feel invaded and pressured. Whatever the reasons for people's needs and preferences, I suggest that we always ask very specifically before touching anyone in any way, and that we also ask people about their touch needs and try to fulfill them.
I as a man feel this and crave this. I want the affection from a woman so badly. To feel loved and cared for. It painful and sad I can't get this and if I do its temporary. The relationship doesn't work but I still want her affection. Physical touch feels like it heals everything. Even if there's conflict.
With BPD, I always hated being touched or hate touching, even when it came to my ex wife and girls! Now, I only want to be held by my therapist due to attachment issues! However, I don't want to be taken care of! She's in Japan for a month and it's been driving me crazy because I have seen her for every week the last 4 and 1/2 years! Therapy and Attachment is a double edged sword! I hate being close to someone due to this kind of vulnerability!
Sometimes I feel, guilty about my need for affection because I know my parents gave me plenty as a child, so when I am desperately wanting affection I feel like I’m slapping my parents in the face because they tried their very best, and it seems like it was not good enough for me, and now I’m trying to get it from someone else...
I do get hug fantasies(for lack of a better term), but they sometimes involve me caring for someone else rather than being cared for.
i cant believe there are so many other people with this same problem and i have never met anyonein my life!!.... if we had we would given lots and lots of hugs to each other....without being ashamed...
Anyone who wants a coping device should try ASMR roleplays. Seriously helpful.
I have this pretty strongly. I'm really glad you covered this
I don't know if you have answered this question but I have a lot of problems expressing my feeling and it's like I'm kinda scared of being judged by people so I really don't say things that I have held in for a long time, thanks for listening of you can't answer it I understand.
Thank you person that wrote this question!
And thank you Kati, for talking about it. I can really relate to having these "weird" needs and hopes and wants for affection, for example from my own therapist. I feel really ashamed about it, but I hope I will be able to talk about it with her some time.
I'm looking forward to seeing more videos on the attachment subject!
Love this channel!
- Tina
DBT rules! Also, for anyone struggling...stuff like this and regulating emotions gets MUCH better and easier with therapy, lots of practice, and time! I promise!
So true!!! Thank you so much for sharing :) xoxo
DBT does rule! Literally everything changed for me after I went to a DBT treatment center... :)
***** You're welcome :)
***** You're very welcome! :)
+angel39373 I believe Martia Linehan has all the DBT worksheets on her website. She's the founder of DBT.
These past couple of days I've been spiraling into negative thoughts. I slept throughout those days and didn't eat. I cut off connection from social medias. But luckily I found your RUclips channel and finally got the courage to book an appointment with a counselor for the first time and saw them today. I felt so free! Thank you for sharing your knowledge and giving me courage to see a counselor. At the moment I'm trying to be proud of myself and not letting anything take that from me!
Kati, I was curious as to what the differences and similarities between suicidal ideations and suicidal tendencies? Thank you!
+Jada C. Thank you for replying! I appreciate it immensely.
i think it's so important to find non-professionals to meet that need. its so crucial. I never found DBT/talk therapy to be helpful for this problem for me (b/c it can't fabricate relationships). It wasn't until I was adopted (after being in foster care and aging out alone) that these problems started to go away.
This is literally me summed up and I didn't realise it until now. I miss my form teacher so much now it's summer she's the one person who has literally saved my life and I can't live without her. I can't wait until September so I can see her everyday at school again :( I am like this towards her
You have a good heart.
Thanks for being you.
I cried watching this because this is the way I feel my whole life.I am getting attached to EVERYONE and have obsessions and I really cannot handle this because I get so hurt as all of what I make in my mind is JUST IN MY MIND.I am soooo attached to my therapist and no one knows it,I feel so ashamed to tell her and I don't think I ever will.I told her after more than a year of obsessing over her that I have an absession and hadn't told her until now but I did not even tell her what my obsession is about and I will probably never do so.Thank you for making videos and explaining things,you cannot imagine how much you have helped me understand what is going on with me and stop feeling so self conscious about these(and other) thoughts and feelings of mine.I am really looking forward to your next video about this topic.Please do not stop making vids if possible,you are helping people SOOO MUCH!!Thanks again and congratulations,you are doing an amazing job!!
I feel really weird about it because I do have loving parents and I have a supportive and caring partner but I still feel like I just want cuddles and physical attention all the time and I think I'm just screwed up because my childhood was good, I'm just anxious
I think mine steams from having been in a orphanage for the first 11 months in Seoul Korea.
SssandNBtwnMytoes I got adopted at 2 yrs old from China. my orphanage was extremely abusive and messed me up majorly especially on the emotional side. I feel ya!!!
Melz Smith Much love to you both!
😂 that’s probably it girl
Thank you SO MUCH for talking about these topics around attachment! I'd love to hear much more to be honest. Also I can't wait for the attachment-disorder-video!!!
Of course!! There is so much to talk about when it comes to attachment and relationships! xoxo I hope you like the other video when it comes out too :) xoxo
I am grateful for my therapist who allows hugs. I feel sad when I read that some therapists are so afraid of boundary issues that not only do they not hug but they won’t even tell patients when they are doing good work.
The question wasn't answered, so here is a guess. You're looking for acceptance from someone outside yourself because you don't feel worthy of love (low self-esteem). You learned that in order to feel good about yourself you must fulfill a set of external conditions dictated by family & society. Fix: Stop looking for external validation. Start changing your internal thinking/beliefs about and realize that feeling good about yourself is your natural state, conditions need no apply.
Wow !
How
Yes, but how? Those are all outcomes you wish to achieve, and the lady wanted to know how to get there.
What if you have a problem if you stop hating yourself you become narcissistic?
Thank you for this video, Kati. I think I struggle with this a bit, but for me it's more the feeling/craving of me wanting to cuddle and take care of someone ELSE. I want to comfort someone when they cry, and hold them in their darkest moments. I'm not in a relationship, but I sometimes fantasize about comforting people I am attracted to. Why do I always want this?
When I saw the title of your podcast, I almost burst in tears. I am autistic and hated to be touched. Than, i just didn't like it ( it's not a real issue for noone seems to want to touch me). I was neglected as a child, there was nor physical nor emotional link between us. My family was (and still is - i'm 55 ) toxic. I can't stay in a relationship more than a couple of months, i think i made bad choices because I fear to get attached. And I experienced what I thought (of course!) it doesn't worth all the hard work I have to make as an Asperger autist. I wasn't diagnosed yet.
For almost a year all my body kind of craves for being touched and hugged. My skin feels so aching of lack of even an hand on my shoulder... I'm in a deep depression, autistic burn out for a while, needing 4 months of hospitalisation, and I still go to day hospitalisation. I don't know how it works in other countries, but in Belgium, you don't hug people unless you know them for a long time, and never in a therapeutic relationship, we show feelings, care, support in different ways.
I often cry because I need a hug. I probably have to grieve that need. And I feel it's unfair, because I have EhlersDanlos syndrome, my body aches so much, he needs to feel sweetness..
I feel soo ashamed and guilty about all that. My inner child wondering 'did i do something wrong ?'. I'm so happy to have my 3 cats from shelter, and we cuddle eachother.
Thanks for your work. It really helps.
Is it really a problem to want hugs or isn't it just a normal need?
This resonated with me so much. Ever since young, never once my parents or family hugged me, even when I was crying or did an achievement. So, when I was in a relationship, I expected all that from my ex. When he didn’t give me, I didn’t search for anyone else. But when someone else showed me that, just a 10%, I fell for him and I cheated on my ex. I’m not a person who does that before or ever but till this day, I always think why I even did that. But videos like this finally making me understand. I’m not saying it’s not my fault. No, I’m totally taking account on this, it’s my fault but I also starting to realize why I did that. So, I’m fixing myself right now. To those who one day might read this, if you are a parent or going to be one, please please always make sure to kiss, hug your child. Ensure them that you always have their back no matter what. I’m 30 and I’m still recovering and it’s tiring. Idw this to happen to our future generations. I want them to be better people than us. Even now I still crave for parental figures and hugs and head rubs. You know what’s the worse? My parents still alive and my siblings are getting but not me. Cause I’m the black sheep that doesn’t conform to their toxic ways and wants to break that. Family should always love each other.
Hai Kati,
People kinda just push suicide away. When someone talks about it, they help that person for one day then acts like it never happen. But schools and other people do something when it’s to late. They make people come to talk but then they all forget about the next day. That’s why it’s scary reaching out. Do you know why they push it away?
Also you should do more videos on suicide.
Probably because it's a painful subject that no one wants to talk about.
and money. if you can pay a psychotherapist to work through your problems great. if you can't they won't help you.
I've noticed that too. I think even my therapist avoids the subject when she can. My parents don't want tô talk about it either. I feel like everybody just get rid of me and this suicidal thing as fast as they can.
Scott Phillips ikr
Luciana Rosa I know right. It isn't right like I know it's a painful subject but we avoid it nothing is going to change. It's so sad :( Luciana I hope you feel better. xoxo
I’m from the U.K. and I grew up not getting many hugs and affection as I was part of social work services and the relationship is different to how it’s with family. I felt like it was important because I didn’t always get receive affection from my family and the professionals in my life like my mentor and social worker don’t really give me hugs. I would say I only get a hug on an occasion while I’m in their care. I had an incident with a youth worker and I didn’t get any hugs for a comfort. I was kind of alone, it’s really sad. I’ll be starting to have counselling to discuss it soon. Thank you for sharing me this, it has inspired me. ❤️
I find it strange that I wish some of my friends would cuddle with me, but when I had one friend actually hug me I was shocked, and almost uncomfortable. strangely, whenever I would need those things the most, I avoid them. I've pulled away from countless hugs because I was simply feeling down.
That is very common as well! We often will want to be comforted, but then it doesn't feel right when it happens... thank you for sharing this! I will talk about this more in other videos too :) xoxo
I'm going to watch your rad video next. I'm nervous about it because many therapists get it wrong. We finally got lucky with the therapist that my child goes to.
I'm a 16 year old girl and I suffer from Depression, Anxiety, ADHD, Perfectionist Tendencies, and ARFID (eating disorder).
I ALWAYS fantasize about my therapist holding me. She hugs me every session but I mean like actually hold me. I can imagine it so vividly. This is how it plays out in my head:
*I suppress my tears, but one escapes. She sees me holding back. She knows there's endless pain in my heart, and she knows how bad I need to cry. She tells me "Come here honey". It's like I almost already know what to do, as I stand up from the chair and sit down on the couch next to her. She hugs me tightly. I curl up into a fetal position and lay my head on her lap. She holds me and tells me to let it out and that I'm safe. I instantly start sobbing my heart out and she gently and lovingly rubs my back. She just lets me cry and cry for the entire session...*
When I envision it, it leaves me in tears (I'm crying while typing this). I know this would help tremendously on my road to healing, but it can't happen. I'm also too afraid to bring it up to my therapist because I'm terrified she'll think I'm weird.
Thank you for being brave to share safe hugs ❤ I hope for so much love and healing for you on your journey to healing.
U r 19 now ...
I hope u r doin fine my love
I Just want someone to hug me ;-;
In the dream I had today, in one part of it, I was cuddling with someone
I want to dream again.
And, btw, I had a dream with the same context(It wasn't Just cuddling, btw), and the same character a long time ago. And when I had that dream today, the character said somenthing like "It's you again!" or "It's been so long!".
It's strange, but I love that I could dream with him again. He's one of the people that make me feel safe and comfortable.
I was kinda' angry It was all just a dream when I woke up ;v;
I'm an adult and I really crave affection and want to be treated like a child. Sometimes, I feel like I'm selfish because I want attention. People think I hate attention because I'm very shy but that's definitely not the case. What the heck is wrong with me???
Edit: I grew up perfectly fine. My family always loved me so it's not like I didn't get much love.
I feel the same way, but I was emotionally neglected. Your feelings are perfectly valid though. Not saying that. Just saying your not alone, I feel the same way. ☺️🥴👌
I don't even remember someone hugging me. I just remember 3-4 instances when I was a kid and my mom hugged me.
I crave for hugging and cuddling each night before sleep. But live alone and social anxiety stops me from making relationships
I'm so glad you addressed this topic, Kati.
I grew up always having these ideations of wanting my female role models (teachers, family friends, therapist) to cuddle me or call me sweet names. It just made me feel really good inside to almost "fantasize" that, if that makes sense. I always felt really uncomfortable with those thoughts. But my mind has often times taken those "cuddling/being cared for" fantasies to a a whole new level and become somewhat sexual. Kati, is that also normal, or is there really actually something very very wrong with the fact that those happen?
I should probably add that after this happening so many times, I eventually came out as bi-sexual. And these ideations that happen leave me feeling very uncomfortable with myself because of my sexuality.. mostly because the fantasies never happen with men.
I completely empathise with your question! Have you found an answer, yet?
Ive been ignoring my sexuality for long time.
I guess it was because Ive been gaslighted my whole life, and never thought I have right to feel the feelings. So differentiating them was incredibly difficult. Sexual feelings were one of the main that I ignored.
Ive been expecting to fall in love with girl for 20 years and never realized that my symphaty toward guys were not platonic as it seemed to me, but romantic.
When I realized that, I started meditating to know myself better.
In the beginning, ive been fantasizing only about cuddling and hugging with men. Mostly my closest male friend. All fantasies about men were romantic, without anything sexual. After maybe a year, or even more, it slowly started becoming sexual.
I think this happened this way because I might be internalized shame about homosexuality so deep, and my brain litteraly differentiated sexual feelings from romantic feelings in trying to defend me.
Before all of this, fantasies were pretty voajerish. Never with some1 I know or with face.
Now the face is most important. And mostly it is with ppl Ive met.
This escalated quickly :D
Maybe this is just my coming out story, nothing to do with the video. But I thought it might help u recognize your feelings about sexuality, and maybe u can identify with something...
This happens to me. I think it's OUR type of normal..
@@JewishGirlRox are u replying to me? :)
I relate to this so much, I was a kid with an absent mom that doesnt showed me love or support, I think about hugs all the time, most times when I feel like shit. I dont want to feel like this. I dont want to be a hugger. I always want to hug people that dont like hugs.... it sucks
I had a totaly unavailable parents so as an adult i fantasize a lot about someone hugging and soothing me ..i didn't have a good relationship with my mom till resently when i started having panick attacks then she took the time to finaly hug me and soothe me ..not gonna lie but i realy liked it like it is what i've always wanted from her even tho i'm not realy confortable with it but at least i can feel a humen warmth ...the this is that my therapist said today that my panick attacks are just for show so i would get what i want anc that even tho she warmed up to me and hugged me i sholdent get used to it and learn to soothe myself on my own ... now i feel terrible ...like when u get tge thing u've always wanted but someone tells u you're not worthy or don't need it and make u feel like it's so wrong to ask for it in the first place...now is that too much to ask for ? Am i realy that terrible ? like she said i'm been childish and it can turn to histiria...
A lot of these things you’re talking about in the video (hugs, overly attached to certain people) are ASD things that don’t have to coexist with attachment issues.
Until I got diagnosed with ASD as an adult, I had gone years seeing therapists that assumed this sort of thing was an attachment issue and hammering that narrative into my brain. Now that I have a diagnosis that works for me, it’s clear that these tendencies stem from sensory-seeking behavior.
I'm single guy at the end of his twenties and I just feel like I want to sincerely hug a girl and take care of her (non sexual), and sometimes I see my self crying on her shoulder. I don't know why I feel that way.
i have this exact problem. past therapists knew about it but never told me how to deal with it 😔
This makes so much sense. Before I was adopted I was neglected by my birth mom and dad. I️ think because of that I have trust issues and when I really trust someone I tend to cling to them.
I think that to an extent this is a very normal human desire and basic need. love. and I think love can be expressed, shared a day received in many different ways. including self love. hug yourself, make yourself a cup of tea. find comforting things for you. this all being said in my depression and times when I am unemployed and alone a lot practising these things can still feel lonely. I'm lucky to have a partner I can cuddle. if you don't have that there are actually groups a day communities who have nonsexual cuddle groups. the other alternative is getting a hair cut , or massage.
I have never heard about that groups communities in Bolivia, i would like to be with people that understand my shoes, but here is difficult and most of the people live in their bubbles and close minded. I would apreciate any help.
Every night I long to be held/cuddled I may only be a teenager but thoughts of having a significant other there for me is always on my mind. I have depression and anxiety so I want someone to be there for me and hold me close when I’m having a panic attack or when Im crying my eyes out.
when I was a child, I was very much attached to my mom, but I was also bullied a lot and why I trust my mom the most, but since I'm grown up, she cant hug me for a long time anymore, which is why I'm am craving, I legit mean craving for hugs and affection, even this day I have a few friends but they are not comfortable with hugging
Thank you i used to be like that now I feel more balanced and I don't think about at all like before
I feel the same way but I had a great relationship with my parents when I was little and always got affection from them so I don't know where it comes from
Sometimes it's related to BPD.. but I will get into that more in future vids :) xoxox
+Kati Morton I've thought that I have bpd for the longest time now, but I can't be diagnosed with it because I'm under 18.
I needed this! Spot on!
I love your videos so much. everytime I watch a new upload I always say 'I thought I was the only one' and it makes me feel so much better knowing I'm not alone. thankyou for making these videos, you help me so much:) xo
I think my mom is a narcissist. I always felt alone as a child. I used to cry when they used to act like I dont exist. I used to talk to a painting while my whole fam chatted together. I have always craved love. I am a love addict. I just want someone to take care of me. I hope I have money to get therapy one day
I grew up with an a father who at times was abusive, and other ways didn't show much love or affection (he was a good caretaker, my physical needs were met, sure, but not much else).
So you are or were deprived of that emotional & physical need.
😔😔🥺thank you, angel
This video was so interesting. Thanks Kati. I also whis i had someone who hugges me cares for me but I never asked WHY it is like this.
This sums me up. It's so hard esp. As I'm now in my forties and having been divorced and then gaining my own identity after being extremely dependant on my ex husband, it happened again with my ex boyfriend. I went from knowing my own mind to becoming dependant on him and it took a lot for me to leave him. I had to though as I had completely lost myself. I hope I can become self assured again because every time I relapse I want to be looked after like a vulnerable little child and it's so hard to recover from. ☹😢
Hi Kati! Can you make a video about DBT-therapy? I am starting on DBT-therapy the coming fall, and I am so scared of what will happen. I am from Norway, but I am sure the therapy and the ways of cooperating are pretty much the same.
Thanks for being so helpful and supportive, Kati! Lots of hugs from me🌸
I was adopted while I was a baby so I didn’t think I would be too affected by it but it seems like I have been. My adoptive parents are great I love them and they showed me plenty of love and affection when I was younger and now that I’m 15. I do tend to bottle things up and I can’t afford therapy but I’ve recently become a reborn Christian so now I know one of the things I need to talk to God about. Thanks for this video
Hey this is the first symptom/problem that I can't really imagine having at all. Look at me being all healthy and stuff! (Or not empathetic enough, depends on how you look at it lol)
I always had hugs and affection, I still feel this way
Because of you I realize more and more what are my problems and what I have to work on :)
its been 24 years oct 11th and id give anything for one of my moms hugs. one more phone calls..she had my back. its why i got my psych degree i promised her id finish what i started do good for abandonded kids. i did. i miss her. she taught me its okay to be me...my weirdo self. i dont mind being alone. i was an excellent counselor. i loved each and every child. i hope they all found someone who deserves them.
I relate to this ...I like to imagine hugged when I am sad
I'm glad I found this video. I tend to get too attached to people. I don't know if I should talk to my therapist about it. I hate it because I feel very uncomfortable and "alone" when I'm not with friends etc.
I‘m honestly so thankful for this video. Thank you so much. It may have motivated me to finally speak about this in therapy
Hey Kati
My question is. How do I know if I have anxiety?
I seem to get worried a lot in certain situations and have trouble breathing, overthinking and feels like a part of me died in some of those situations. I am currently taking anxiety medicine and it seems to help but I fear that it is just in my head. So how do I know if I really have anxiety?
Love your videos and you have a gift. I love you.
Hello Kati! I have a great female therapist and she's very affectionate. But when it comes to hugging, she just sits on the chair and extends a single arm..And one thing she say's after EVERY hug.. "Make your own self the source of your positivity". It hurts me because I think I am bothering her too much. (She probably doesn't want to absorb my negative vibes by hugging me) .. So should I stop asking her for hugs? Should I then believe that this mathematics of positive negative vibes is way too important * than sharing a beautiful moment of love? What are your views regarding this? (after all, she has a complete right to maintain her positivity)
Kati rocks!!! I would hug her if shed let me.
I'm the opposite. Unless I really know you or you are a family member I don't like being touched or hugged and men don't seem to understand this. They pull my arm and get me into a body hug and then my anxiety gets set off and I cry and try to get away and they don't understand what they've done. Unless I'm really comfortable with you, I don't like people touching me unless it's like a handshake or something that's fine.
Honestly, as a 21 year old male with NO physical touch history other than my mother hugging me. Uhhhh, it’s pretty sad and really draining. But I’m just gonna become a better me and ignore it. It’ll haunt me forever BUT it’ll be okay.
I am still a child but I always wants my teacher to hug me and take care of me when I don't really want my mum to do this.
Damn... This really hits deep.
Omg Kati I feel this way all the time. I'm adopted and I wasn't close to my parents and we had a very superficial relationship. I feel like I want my therapist to hug me all the time. I hugged her once and she didn't say anything but I'm afraid to ask her to hug me.
I look forward to seeing your videos every week, they help a lot. ☺️