why i'll never be stealth
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- Опубликовано: 26 авг 2019
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Ashton: "I can be out about being trans, but not about being a RUclipsr"
I'm a nonbinary girl and I could never be stealth. being nonbinary is too important to me and I dont really like to be referred to as a girl except by my partner(s) cause I know they really get my relationship to gender. otherwise I'm like EVERYONE MUST CONFRONT THEIR UNDERSTANDING OF GENDER! I will not be silenced lol
When you told the story about calling out that homophobic asshole it reminded me of something I did once. I was watching a movie in theaters with my boyfriend (at the time) and it was a pretty gay movie, and every gay scene the guy on my other side kept making pretty homophobic comments, so at the end of the movie I just said *very loudly* “That movie was almost as gay as me!!” And the dude literally went out of his way to avoid me after that lol.
6:47
What a missed opportunity to say 'intransically'
Passing and being stealth literally don't exist for non-binary peeps, so I love that for me 🙃 I've been having a hard time with that recently (as I do often tbh). I just can't fucking deal with the way I'm perceived, but I can't real do much about that until the world starts to change or rather wake up. And it doesn't help that physical transition is so up in the air for me. It's like being in limbo tbh... Maybe I'll write a poem about that
Anyway, I like this filming background! But I'm all for trying different set-ups and stuff 👌🏽
Even though I'm a non-binary guy, like you, I think I would be comfy with being stealth and I'm even planning on going stealth when I'm older. Also, I like the new background :)
aceisgay same here! I’m planning on just being stealth in most spaces (have been for a few months) now that I’ve taken hormones for an extended time period and top surgery is approaching for me, even though I am a non-binary trans man. I have no shame around being trans, I just find that I’m comfortable not sharing that part of myself all the time to avoid “other-ing” from peers and supervisors.
I don't mean to sound rude but I have a question. How does one be nonbinary and a guy? I thought nonbinary meant absence of gender. I'm genuinely curious and not trying to be rude and you don't have to answer but I'm trying to educate myself from a trans person and not just from google.
@@stankatbarrell9878 Nonbinary is sort of an umbrella term for anyone who feels that they don't completely identify as a binary man or a binary woman. For instance, I feel like I'm a guy but I also don't feel like I'm 100% a man, which is why I identify as a nonbinary guy.
With oppression over the years..I’ve tried to just go with the three D’s!
“Dick’s Don’t Dictate, who you are as a person”
I think how I feel about going stealth is pretty similar to your feelings. Like, not everyone I ever encounter has to know but if I'm at all close to you you'll probably know because of how much of an impact it has on my life. Also, I like the background! I hope you have a good day!
Stealth would be impossible for me. As a bigender person I perfer to be as androgynous as possible. Having mixture of a feminine and masculine presention. And ppl will always think in a binary way. I never seen anyone (except in queer spaces) assume others were non-binary.
The background looks cool. Also I agree because I’m transmasculine so hate when people ask if I’m a boy or girl I just give an awkward breath and walk away
🙃
Lmfao the number of times this has happened to me
I think it’s better for you to tell them so they know your pronouns it’s okay that they don’t know
Some Guy everyone is usually really mean about it and don’t respect it because I’m 15 so I don’t usually feel like having someone make me feel like hell for my gender
Being transfemme myself, no one ever asks if I'm a boy or a girl. They just call me sir and ignore me entirely.
Rusty Recommends yup people r annoying. What happens if you ask people to use your pronouns? Just curious what their reactions are. When I come out so far people just say ok and act like it never happened
I definitely relate to this! It's part of why I wouldn't want to be stealth either. I'd want to be recognized as being nonbinary & I wouldn't want to hide how being trans has impacted my life.
I like the background! But please try more places to find what you like the best
GOD i wish i had seen this video or anything similar ages ago. i went stealth going into high school and i almost instantly regretted it for really all the reasons you listed, but didn't gather the courage to come back out until recently.
the background is very nice! haven't started t but get read as male 50% of the time. I'm transmasc so ideally, like you said, people would just somehow know my gender. (except that's not really possible in our society yadda yadda yadda)
if someone were to ask me if I were trans, I'd be honest, but at the same time i'd assess my safety before doing so. being lgbt is such a big part of my life but I'll usually only feel excited to talk about it with other lgbt people, you know? so if someone read me as a cis male, and I didn't feel fully comfortable with them, they might never know I'm trans. it's like a weird in between stealth skdjkdjd
First of all I have exactly the same identity! I’m totally fine with people referring to me as he and a man, and I like it, but I first ventured from they/them into he/him when I noticed that it was a lot easier for society that way. Not that that should dictate your choices/identity/presentation. But yeah I would also consider myself a non binary man who’s happy to be called a man, trans man or ftm, whereas pre transition it was more like I was non binary but just accepted people calling me she all the time.
For me it’s not so much that I want to be stealth, more that I want to be the one to out myself as and when I want to, to who I want to. At work I get old colleagues call me she, and then new people at work are confused because like you, I look like a man.
I totally relate to the trans jokes too!! It’s funny.
I think I’m in a situation where I’d rather be stealth in some situations and out in others. But admittedly it makes me more anxious and self conscious trying to be stealth because I feel the need to make myself more cis passing.
Really great video, you articulated my thoughts perfectly! Also I like the lighting and background and hope life, although busy, is treating you well ❤️
Ok I just finished watching and I feel pretty much exactly the same omg
I’m a transmasc nonbinary guy and I’m a stealth guy in my school classes but I’m in a lgbt club which I’m out as trans and it is a very weird experience being seen as ‘one of the guys’ I will come out soon but I’m just not ready at this stage
I'm a trans guy and I had a really similar experience at a research program a few weeks ago. I was stealth for the first time in my life, it was so relieving and stressful. It was nice to be gendered correctly and to be 'one of the guys,' but there was so much I had to do to hide my dead name on the discussion group and my id card, hide my HRT, and only wear 1/2 the clothes I brought. I don't know if I'll get to experience being out at school, though.
a little late to this but it felt really amazing to hear someone say this. i went through a phase where all i wanted was to be stealth, purely because of anxiety and "am i being a good trans person", and it really hit me last week that i wasnt living the way i wanted to. i've been really struggling with that, but this honestly helped so much, so thank you for this ;-;
Background is 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻 I hope college is good, and that you are enjoying the busyness and thriving but also caring for yourself. I don’t think I’ll ever make the conscious effort to be stealth but in certain situations I might not out myself! Also, your voice in this video just made me think about if there was an Ashton Daniel podcast 😂👍🏻
Nice to see you here
I think when I am further along in taking T, and when I have gotten top surgery, I might be somewhat stealthy, but also I like to dress unconventionally.
i feel super similarly to you about being stealth. im also a nonbinary trans boy and use he/they pronouns, so there’s that. i dont think i want testosterone, so ill probably never really pass. i definitely want top surgery, but im probably gonna show off my scars at like any chance i get lol. not to mention i often have at least one trans flag thing on me, a bracelet, pins, patches, etc. in some situations i do like being introduced as my mom’s son, and just having people assume im a cis guy (although my hair is usually some bright color and i only wear skinny jeans, so idk if that ever actually happens), but if i get remotely close to someone they’re probably gonna know im trans.
also, i love this backround, but im excited to see others too!
I would like to have the ability to be stealth for safety (being also quite severely disabled I am already vulnerable) but I can’t see myself managing to be stealth with anyone I’m actually close to. Among other reasons, I am transitioning quite late in life and did not grow up in a situation where I could acknowledge even to myself, let alone to anyone else, that I was trans (and there were limits to how far I could push the whole ‘Tomboy’ thing). Having lived in a female role for such a large part of my life and the experiences that came with that is integral to who I am. Maybe it’s different for people who have always been secure and assertive in their gender identity or who transition young but I would be like a person with no childhood or early adulthood if I shut off everything that would out me.
I do not think I need to tell people that I am trans. However, I am an artist, I study them artz, and a lot of the art I make revolves around my being trans.
So... It's not like... An option to be 100% stealth.
Don't get me wrong. I don't have to explain myself to anyone. However, there are some things that are a bit too on the nose even for cis people lol.
still in the process of trying to figure out the whole out/stealth thing for myself, in terms of what makes most sense / feels most fitting for me.
im closeted and I hope to one day be as comfortable as being seen as trans as this. its my goal to not feel like I have to hide my gender anymore.
That little “thanks, thank you” was so goddamn cute
You talked about this bassoon player and I checked out of reality for a good five minutes fantasizing about beating him up and now I’m completely lost and have no clue what’s happening
yes, a good background!
as a non binary person i can't really ever be stealth, only out or closeted. i do not feel 'aligned' or close to any of the binary genders so it's really not possible for me. But if it was possible, i don't think i would want to be stealh (apart for safety reasons in some environments), partly because i'm proud of being trans and i love being trans (also i totally agree trans jokes rule) and because it's really anxiety inducing fo me to try to be stealth. constantly thinking about what i can or cannot do or say would really take a toll on my mental health. And in the end i just NEED to be able to say "thanks, i picked it out myself" when someone compliments my name.
6:36 lol yeah recently i saw a truck that said "top speed trans" so like... me when i run really fast
I am stealth at work, but with my friends i really couldn’t...
I love the background, and the lighting is so good! But, if it’s blinding you, a change would be completely understandable 💕 Great video, Ashton!
Hello! It's me! I'm writing this at 12:37 at night! Just wanted to say awesome video, that outro was also p nice :) Anyways much very agree with all you said-- and you can quote me on that. Love you always !!!
So I'm also a nonbinary trans man, pronouns are he/him + they/them -
+ it/its. I've been out as trans for almost 3 years now, and have been on T for almost a year (April 1st 👀) and have just started in the past 4 months passing completely as a man. I am only now experimenting with stealth in a new job atmosphere and so far it's been pretty weird.
Normally and in most (if not all) other aspects of my life I have been very out and vocal about my transness and my queerness, but I felt this would be a good opportunity to see how my life can go as a stealth trans man. I will admit a lot of it has to do with the environment I'm working in, as I feel it would simply be safer to be read as a cis bi man than a trans pan nonbinary man. However if it is relevant to whatever I am doing or whoever I am talking to I haven't hid my transness to people in said situations.
Thing is that my transness is SO irrelevant to cis people that it almost never has come up, the few times it has is with my friends who stop in my work. And I enjoy being seen as how I feel, so I am not complaining and am fully aware of the privilege I am able to receive through passing as a gender I identify with.
I feel like at some point I will out myself to at least my managers/co-workers... but because of the "irrelevancy" to their lives my transness has I don't see it coming up anytime soon.
It's interesting to watch how invisible to the cis world we really are sometimes.
I often get stuck in a cycle of thoughts “am I a man or am I nonbinary?” but your videos are pretty much the only thing that helps me to reassure me that you can be both and that calms me down. Do you have any tips on how to explain this to gender therapists?
I'm gonna go stealth as soon as I go to university ngl
So glad to hear you got a good roommate!
y'all should listen to I'll never pass by she/her/hers, i love that song so much
yess i love it
this setup is kinda cute but it feels a bit cramped? what you talked about was v interesting, i liked hearing your perspective on this
the whole room is a bit cramped so 😓 but thank you !!
That's great your roommate is nice !
Love your background Ashton so bright and colourful hope things are going well and are safe sending good vibes and good luck your way your in my thoughts also when you dress up have you still got that rainbow bowtie
I wanna go stealth once I transition I’m in the closet now
I love the new background. I’m a boy but I’m still not out. I wouldn’t say that I’m stealth but a lot of people read me as male when I am in public and I’m not a big fan of correcting them when my family is around.
i’m a year late but THANK U for talking about how it’s impossible to be stealth in the US while being non binary, that’s one of my biggest struggles. not in the sense that i want to hide or repress my transness but because i just want everyone to view me as who/what i really am, and that’s just not possible in the type of society we live in. thank u for making ur videos they all make me feel so seen and safe and warm :)
I’m also an nb guy. I haven’t had much of an opportunity to be stealth because I only started passing as male recently and haven’t met many new people since then. But my plan is to be stealth in general unless I get close with someone, because if someone’s gonna be a big part of my life I would want them to know about my past. But also I’m staying stealth in general because I go to college in Wyoming and I wouldn’t feel safe being out there considering the state’s history and everything
Is your real last name Thorne? Bc on your zen garden video you put a link to the one you had. I saw your review and it said “Ashton Thorne” so I’m a little confused lol
Daniel is my middle name!
Ashton Daniel oh ok! Thank for responding ^-^
Ashton Daniel Also can you make more videos on zen gardens? There so cool!
Hey Ashton, thanks so much for your vids. I'm transmasc and recently I made a friend who didn't know I was trans and passing in his presence was a really strange experience! It's just weird to me if people don't know that I'm trans :3 I don't think I would ever want to be stealth because I would just worry all the time if I act 'manly' enough. That's not something I wanna worry about :p I just wanna be me and I'm proud to be transmasc. Thanks again and good luck in college xxx
Hey Ashton, loved the video and for me as a nonbinary trans person it’s pretty much impossible for me to be stealth because of being nonbinary/agender. I mean I’m often not addressed with gendered terms (Im super lucky in that way of having a more naturally androgynous face/body) but I don’t really know if that’s stealth because I don’t think the average person sees someone and has nonbinary as a third option when deciding how to gender them. It’s hard to define as a nonbinary person but to me I don’t see me somewhat passing as androgynous a good chunk of the time, as stealth b/c it’s not a concept on a broader scale that works or doesn’t bring up questions like ‘are you a boy or girl’. I also don’t really want to be stealth because for me being stealth would basically be going back in the closest, which would just be worse for my mental health/wellbeing. Before I was out (about 2 years ago now) I was miserable because I felt trapped between the safety of being what I had been seen as my whole life and upsetting that by actually opening up and coming out. I knew/know being nonbinary brings a lot of challenges and negativity towards me but honestly I’m feel so much better then if I had stayed closeted. I came out very late in life in terms of the more mainstream narrative (I was 19/I’m turning 21 in October) so it’s felt like a lifetime journey, one that I can’t hide (for mental health) or am able to(from a social/societal standpoint).
🌈also in no way am I saying that trans people who desire or who have the end goal of being stealth shouldn’t feel that way, I’m just sharing my personal experience.🌈
(im a transguy) im starting highschool next week and i was considering going stealth, but honestly i might not. i agree with all of your points on why you dont go stealth, but i also dont have my gender marker changed yet (only my name) so my school profile says F. I want to be confident and happy as myself, not as a cis guy, but if people see me as cis i wont complain. I also act way too gay to be seen as cis anyway lmao
same hat. pangender gnc enby who wants to be a gender therapist/ disability counselor. i wish you loads of luck!
I know this is an old video, but about tipping in France...what?? I'm French and when I go eating out with my parents, they tip the waiter?? I'm confused???
It shouldn’t be a requirement for trans people to purposefully “look” trans or “look” cis. I’m just me and I read to some as a trans woman and to some as a cis woman and I’m ok with that.
ik this is over a year after this was posted, but ur roommate is so fucking amazing for asking for ur pronouns!! im so happy for u 🥰
So, I'm a girl, but I honestly don't care that much about my gender.
If someone referred to me as a guy, I'm not going to be offended, I may not even correct them depending on my mood that day.
If it is someone that I'm going to be seeing a lot then at the end of the conversation, I will just casually tell them that I am actually a girl.
But I don't really care that much, sometimes I even dress more masculine just because I feel like it.
i'm stealth at school which is very exhausting
Ashton: "Tomorrow is really busy for me."
Me: *remembers that I have to get my blood tested at 11 am so that I can go on hormones, and cries because it's 4 am*
I could never be stealth
My neighbour had a party this past weekend 🎉 for the neighbourhood & I typically absolutely love ❤️ parties however I stayed home because I was afraid of having to come out to everyone at the party so my parents did it for me and it felt good knowing that everyone was accepting of me all they ask is that I give this time because one of my lgbt 🏳️🌈 neighbours when dad came out to her she was like make sure you think about this for a while because she had a friend who thought 💭 she was transgender and so she went through the whole transitioning process only just to discover & tell her that she wanted to be a woman again however she literally cannot go back now 😔 as I mentioned right after dad told me that this is what was mentioned...
all your videos are BIG same hat jfdvsd !!! good luck to both of us being trans & nonbinary in college :’]
Yes to the background, and I'm not sure if on a large scale I would choose to be stealth but for things like going to the grocery store or the library I don't think I would want to be immediately identified as non cis.
TLDR: Yes to the background and I wouldn't choose to be stealth but I would like to pass.
You use a green background or it's really. So you sort video just in time before I come to bed (bc it's 23:54 in France).
C'est sa chambre à l'université :)
@@julescamus2637 Heureux de voir que je ne suis pas le seul français à suivre Ashton.
@@arthurjacquemin2212 ahah effectivement c'est pas quelque chose que j'attendais forcément ^^ mais je suis aux états-unis, j'ai pas le décalage horaire
I think I’ll try to be stealth as soon as I pass. I HATE bothering people, and I always feel like I’m making people uncomfortable with being trans. Also, it’s a part of myself that i don’t like to get attention to, as I’m so much more thank just trans. If I could be stealth now I definitely would, but sadly my voice doesn’t pass, and with my country’s system it looks like I won’t be able to get on t for another few years...
Personally i'm stealth, just because well, i just look that way, kinda
i guess
i don't even know tbh but until now noone ever saw right away i'm trans
and sometimes i don't know ugh i kinda wish i was more visibly trans but i'm still afraid i'm gonna end up beaten up or people would annoy the fuck out of me asking all their rude questions or anything and so i just stay stealth cause i have literally no energy left for anything
i'm just glad other trans folks can choose to be not stealth or just not be stealth and just live with it like it's normal now cause i know when i began my transition it was a hell lot more difficult than it is now (it still is ofc but yeah)
anyway i wish you the best for college
i hope you get your degree and become the best gender therapist x)
Honestly the idea of kind of knowing I am actually Lgbt 🏳️🌈 is nerve racking in a society that isn’t always accepting of it and so this is why I am totally anxious about going to counselling is nearly a terrifying thought at the moment because it is talking first to my social worker in this world 🌎 where this is not usually the norm in society so all this being said I would literally rather go to you Ashton with this stuff than a therapist that is literally a complete stranger to me however it would be a heck of a lot more comforting talking to you about this topic than discussing this with in reality a complete stranger...
Oooo could you make a video about gender therapists and what your experience is with them and how you want to be one?
I went stealth at a summer camp a couple weeks ago and it was strange to say the least. I also have that tendency to say trans jokes so having to hold back felt odd. I ended up telling someone I was trans after becoming really tight and it felt like a weight was lifted. Id like to go stealth in college but after that im sure id out myself hahaha
👍
I can't give much feedback about the background tbh, it isn't something that I care that much about in a RUclips video or that I pay much attention to (I mean, unless you are doing the kind of thing Natalie does in her videos for example, in that case I do pay attention xD).
But I don't have anything against the one you have in this video, I think it looks nice. If I were you I'd experiment with a few to compare and then settle in the one you like the best though.
I’m very similar to you. I’m nonbinary, I don’t consider my self to be a guy in anyway but I am consider myself transmasculine because Of reasons that kinda take a lot to explain. Anyway, I can’t be stealth because I’m nonbinary, I use they/them pronouns, when someone sees me I want them to not know if I’m a boy or a girl because I’m not either but that’s how we’re classified. I want to have top surgery and take T but I don’t want to be perceived as male because I’m not, I’m something new all together, something different. I’m not male or female and I’m no where in between, I am a whole different gender divorced completely from the binary. Even if I “present male”, my presentation is of me, and my gender is not male. I *can’t* be stealth because no one sees a person and assumes nonbinary. I also have the political talk issue. I don’t know how I’ll come out to my family. I came out to my parents and they ignored it. I’m out online and my siblings follow me but neither have mentioned it, if my close family can’t accept me how are my aunts and cousins supposed to when I already mask so much more around them?
i like the lighting! (yo, check ur twitter dms)
i would love to not be stealth but the town i live in has a tendancy for being dangerous and alot of trans kids have been hurt by other students :/ but one day i hope i wont have to be :)
out as trans, stealth as a youtuber
I would love to be stealth. Only issue is, I'm nonbinary and in this binary world. It's fairly hard to convey to people that your nonbinary without explaining that your trans.
How can you be seen as non-binary? Kinda confused I'd like to learn about it.
That's the hard part. Binary society refuses to see outside of that and treats everyone as one of two options until shown otherwise.
If one opts for trying to look like both binary genders, for example, they'll often just be seen by society as a "man in a dress" because they have a beard and are wearing a dress or they'll be seen as a "butch woman" because they're wearing a plaid suit and have boobs.
If they opt for boobs and beard; they'll still not be seen as nonbinary. Each person will look at them and decide one of two, unless they know better already. Which far from enough do.
I know another RUclipsr or two that one might say "look nonbinary", but that's because they wear masks like plague doctor's or just full on face makeup for a unique look. Though even then, a cis male or cis female could wear all that and wouldn't look nonbinary...
@@SylviaRustyFae ohhhh makes sense, thanks
Make more videos with your boyfriend
if you're someone that's non binary and someone asks if you're a boy or girl just be like,
no.
Edit- 7/26/2021: or say yes
There are two major flavors of nonbinary:
- “Are you a boy or a girl?” No.
- “Are you a boy or a girl?” Yes.