It bothers the crap out of me that as a guy, being good with kids or wanting/liking to work with kids, is seen as predatory behavior. I’m a gay guy who wants to be a teacher, and has enjoyed working with kids since I was like 10, and started babysitting my little cousins, and now, even in the childcare jobs I work at, I’m sometimes worried about coming across as creepy when I even go so far as say goodbye to a kid in front of their parents. And because I tend to work with elementary school kids, the better I am at my job, and the more these kids start to like me, the more they start to want to hug me or jump on my back and stuff and I end up playing this awkward game of “how do I tell this kid who barely understands the concept of personal space that I can’t hug them cuz I don’t want people to think I’m a pedophile”. Also, even though it doesn’t come up much with me, as I tend to be able to pass for straight, there’s definitely an added layer of anxiety for me internally when I deal with this, as I’m all too aware of the “all gay men are pedophiles” myth and find myself consistently terrified of being used as yet another piece of evidence for the people that believe in that shit if I so much as let a kid hug me goodbye.
I totally feel you on this. Before I was out I worked with preschoolers and felt a lot more comfortable picking up the littles ones and carrying them and now the idea of being overly affectionate with the kids makes me worried I’ll be seen as a predator. When I teach (elementary school aged) kids in the summer I also am very conscious to keep a big distance from especially the young girls because I know it can be perceived as creepy, to just like be speaking to a child as a man
This is sad. My brother has a male friend who worked in a day care that his son attended. A male day care worker can make such a positive effect on both sexes. But especially boys who may not have a father/male figure in their lives.
Huge Canadian trans dude mood: “I wanna tell this story about a fun time at Girl Guide camp but the minute I do I’ll have to explain wtf my ass was doing there in the first place...”
I was in Girl Scouts and I definitely come across this issue sometimes. I usually just refer to it as “the Scouts” and let people assume it was Cub Scouts or Boy Scouts lol. Idk if there’s a similar gender neutral term you could use though.
Like the person below, I say scouts or depending on the story (like selling Girl Scout cookies) I pretend I was volunteering to help my sister’s troop (technically true)
i have a problem with this typical "female innocence" thing. im only 17 and i really am shy. when i represented as a girl, people thought it was cute and sweet. now that everyone sees me as a boy, that changed. out of a sudden i have to man up or speak up for myself more often. and if i am shy, people think its weak and awkward.
I feel this in reverse, when I was presenting male I always felt that pressure to speak up and I was forced out of my shy shell by social groups, now that I am presenting female I can be more comfortable in being reserved and soft spoken because it is viewed neutrally rather than in a bad light.
As a woman I feel like men don't take what I say seriously whether I am outspoken or not. If I say too little I'm submissive and weak, if I say too much I'm crazy and emotional for some reason, and of course I'm always illogical or confused and innately self-centered because I am a woman.
naryainc Holy crap... This is the most accurate description of talking “out of line” as a woman. When in reality it’s not actually out of line, people just don’t want to admit to their own faults and actions. I get called illogical all time because I can be emotional? I’m human. I sympathize/empathize with everyone as much as I can. It’s better to understand someone and be calm instead of being crazy and hotheaded. It’s funny because, atleast in my experience, it’s usually men that start fights with each other and yell vulgar things. Yes, women can be vindictive but men can be just as bad. Unless someone is actually giving off vibes that they’re predatory (and yes, they do give off those vibes).. there is no reason to be ashamed of complimenting the other gender. There is no reason to hide when you find someone attractive. And you shouldn’t have to be scared to be around kids.. Kids are our future. There is no one better to teach them then someone that had to fight tooth and nail to be who they are. Btw Brie Larson does have a nice butt so does Chris.
About the looking at children and not wanting to seem creepy: one day my husband told me while we were at the park watching the children play (with our daughter) that he enjoys being at the park with me more than just him and our daughter because he dosent get the weird looks when are together. Things I had not thought about before because they've not happened to me. No one suspects a woman of being creepy watching children play.. I feel bad for the single dads and gay couples in this situation, not only women take care of children.
I realized how different this gets read at 22ish at my first job working with children as a behavior therapist. I had a busy day and was trying to organize a meeting place in the community with one of my male supervisors. I asked about a park that was next to his location and half way between two places I needed to be. He told me he would prefer not to meet at a park right after school gets out because as a man it is weird for him to sit in his car or on a bench at a park at that time. I had never even contemplated that. I took breaks between appointments to enjoy my lunch or read a book at parks all the time and really didn't consider whether I had a child with me or not, or whether the park was heavily populated by kiddos right out of school or not. It is really sad considering how predators can be any gender/expressions as he said.
My dad was a single father and had to deal with crap like that all the time. It got really bad when one person at our church started spreading rumors about him. We didn't go there for very long.
i hate that predators have ruined normal guys' ability to openly adore children that aren't their own like i really feel for dudes who just wish they could make funny faces at a kid to make them laugh or even just smile and wave at them but because of predators pretending to be this kind of person it's almost impossible to know who is genuinely a friendly dude or who has awful ulterior motives especially when it comes to men :(
Emotions. Emotions are a nightmare now. I kind of got in the habit of that when I was seen as female, if I cried, or looked lost, or just looked like I was struggling in general, someone would come along and offer to help. I once was crying in a park and had a couple come up to me, and they ended up giving me 20 bucks and a prayer session because they were concerned. If I'm actually being read as male and I cry in public... Yeah, everyone will avoid me like the plague. They want nothing to do with my emotions. If I used to struggle with groceries, I was used to someone coming along and offering a ride or offering to help or what have you. Now... nothing. Basically, I got used to if I was ever struggling as a woman, there would always be help and support, somewhere, somehow. As a man... even if I take initiative and ask for help... It's expected that I should be able to handle it myself.
Wow, that's interesting thanks for sharing that! I definitely recall a fuzzy boundary between ages in boyhood where you're supposed to not be crying anymore. Like, if I was just in public bawling, I'd definitely try to hide. The only thing society sees in a crying man is emotional instability, and the only emotion men are supposed to express is violence... So, I guess a man crying is interpreted as just a moment away from a threat. Not to be melodramatic, but it is a sad realization as a boy that all the magical things about being a whole, rounded, expressive, open human being are expected to be paved over and calcified. ☹️✌️🙃
Do you live in a very friendly place? I live in New England and am now wondering if I give off "don't come near be vibes" or if people are more prone to ignore each other where I live. The times I have been visibly upset in public I was definitely not offered any concern or help, but I was always embarrassed too, and assumed it was just the stand-offish culture that kept people away.
@@inkythinky = Yes!... I lived in New England for only 2 years and moved back towards the south (despite the whole reason I moved away being related = superficial hospitality masking underlying judgement/prejudice)... But up that far north, it seems it is not just the weather that is cold!!! 😆 People are very blunt, stand-offish, and sometimes just plain rude (from DC upward, until you reach Maine, where they mellow back out).
@@BlairMountainNetwork lol you have a fair point! The one time I visited "the south," I noticed my normally pretty severe social anxiety at almost nil. But you might have the wrong idea about Maine. Mellow? Yes. Welcoming to outsiders? Not so much. 😅
Men not being able to talk to babies also makes my dad super sad!!! He's just wholesome and he loves babies! But also he's a brown man so he can't really look at ANYONE to be honest
This right here sucks so much! I hope that society always keeps changing and improving (we can take part in that!) so that people like your dad don't need to stop being themselves just for how it is viewed
I always smile and wave at kids I have had no issue I don’t push it to much like I will be reading on a train glance up at the kid making faces at me and smile an wave I am shot look young and use a cane though so I think the fact I’m usually in a handicapped space helps though
I was always a tomboy and people constantly insinuated that I might be trans or a lesbian, making me start to question myself. While my father was always accepting, my mother wasn't and tried to force me to be more feminine. It caused my to have serious self confidence issues. Eventually I joined JROTC and then the Army where I was accepted and even admired for my more masculine mannerisms and interest. Eventually that also helped me start to accept my more feminine side. Now I'm comfortable being a gender nonconformist. Societal expectations based on gender are very limiting and damaging. I'm still the same person in makeup and a dress as I am in in cargo pants and combat boots. I can cry watching romantic movies and enjoy watching horror movies. I can shoot weapons and crochet. Why impose arbitrary limits on a person's potential based on something that's none of anyones business anyway???
I was sorta similar. I was what some would call a tomboy, and I never spoke about crushes or shit like that, and my mum would always say “it’s ok if you like girls” and shit like that, and insinuate I was a lesbian. A few years later (last year) I came out as a trans guy, pan romantic, and asexual. I thought my family would be fairly supportive, that was not the case. My mum keeps saying it’s a phase, and I’ll grow out of it, my dad pretends I never came out, and my brother wasn’t really filled in on any of the details. So I’m constantly being called a girl, and I know my mum sees that it makes me uncomfortable, yet she doesn’t stop. She also sent me to therapy that she’s paying $220 for, but she speaks to the therapist, giving her false information about me, and the therapist just uses the 50 minutes left of the 1 hour session to talk about shit that I already know. But I’m trying to get a job, as I’ve only just turned the legal age, and sure, it may be minimum wage, but saving money now, gets me closer to top surgery and moving out of this house after I finish school.
I had to say I am the same way here as a gay man I can go both ways I don't think anyone really cared and that's how I am towards others because I don't care what someone's hobbies are just as long as your a decent person
"I was always a tomboy and people constantly insinuated that I might be trans or a lesbian" Sadly a lot of girls go through transitioning because they're convinced, wrongly, that they're trans. They're just boyish. Nothing wrong with being a bit boyish. Doesn't make you non-binary or trans. Just a bit boyish. I even think it can be kinda cute. The whole "gender non-comformity" thing is another can of worms people tend to get into when they're "trying to figure out" who they are. Eventually people tend to come to realise that it's a fucking pointless conversation to have.
My rule of thumb for complimenting no matter which gender I pass as is something that the person can control. For example, I like your hairstyle, not your waist is so small or your nose is so perfect. It of course changes as I get to know the person, so if I find out that my friend wants to cut her hair but cant I will compliment something else that represents her better.
@@jackisnotabird Yep! By the way, I just got your book on audible and it was so good!! I related to it a lot even though I'm nonbinary. It gave me the courage to come out to my best friends and it feels so good to be referred to by Ollie :)
Thats some sound advice. I usually avoid complimeting things that you dont have control over because as a closeted trans guy people complimenting my feminine attributes always made me uncomfortable
This is reassuring. I really love it when people have crazy, cool, dyed hair, and that's probably the compliment I give out most (alongside compliments on people's outfits) Sometimes I get a little anxious about coming off as creepy or sleezy, but I feel like what I'm complimenting plus my general attitude and phrasing when I give the compliment makes it less weird.
This is interesting to me as a cishet male who was raised in an almost entirely female household. I learned how to be social and how to interact with girls way easier than with boys and because of that a lot of my teenage life was literally just me trying to avoid being myself to avoid being called gay or judged for it. It was only really this year that I’ve started really being myself around everyone I know, it’s been a very interesting shift in mood. My friends literally call me the least straight straight person they know and I actually enjoy that. Gender norms and hyper masculinity are really not my thing and it’s good that people don’t expect that of me anymore.
"gender norms" gets mentioned enough for me to think that it has to actually be a thing... over in the States or some shit. Because I still don't get what it's supposed to be.
@@angel1812 well I agree with you that is a very awesome thing that this person is comfortable with cool with but you know I think being masculine is fine with toxic masculinity no There’s no need for that
In a similar vein to the burping, there are a lot of “gross” or hyper masculine tendencies I used to accentuate growing up as a girl so that people would understand I was “one of the guys”. One that I carried into adulthood was putting effort into deepening my voice or sounding aggressive when I wanted to be taken seriously or while being feisty with friends. It used to get a response out of people that I wanted, or it was “cute” when I was being aggressive because I was non threatening. I quickly learned how toxic this behavior is as soon as my voice dropped. My boyfriend always thinks I’m genuinely upset at him when I’m simply trying to sound serious, or friends think I am mad when I am just being playful. My cis guy friends have been teaching me the importance of softening your voice, and it has been a huge hurdle for me to re-learn these communication skills.
I have a similar issue. I have what I call my Dad Voice. Deep and it booms a little more than I'd like. But the kids understand it's only used when they're in trouble.... I don't have anyone to really teach me how to soften my voice... It's nice to know I'm not alone.
As a non neuroptypical cis man I get that a lot. I mention non neurotypical because I tend to talk excitedly just normally, but I have a deep voice and a barrel chest so I have to put almost no wind behind my voice to make it very loud. I've spent my late teenage and early adult years learning how to talk "normally" and having to constantly police my own tone of voice because I can easily scare others by "yelling" when I'm just not trying to make myself quiet.
The voice thing tho! I’m a cis white male, and I struggle with that line sometimes. I have a sort of natural intensity that I have to monitor. If I’m too tired and let it slip or I’m too focused on a problem at work instead of constantly listening to myself speak, people think I’m unreasonably angry. If I’m having a super anxious day and end up nerfing to far the other way, I come across as condescending. Which triggers my anxiety when I realize, then I compensate with facial expressions to try and convey more correctly my emotions so I end up sending out baffling indecipherable signals that people just take as creepy and or threatening. First time watcher by the way. Great video, very thoughtful and insightful. Seriously, the male space is only improved by your presence.
Cis woman here. The trick to not sounding pissed (or, rather, controlling the pissed off level) is to flatten your voice, too. It takes the shrill/dental drill aspect out. Plus getting older. In my teens and 20s, I could raise my voice, and it was “ohhh, so cuuute...look at the “girl.” Now in my 50s, I have to curb the “Karen note”, so flattening the pitch along with a slight deepening helps. It’s a note of gravity. Slow, measured words help, too. Sound in control.
As a man I truly hate the fact that almost all of my behavior can be seen as a threat to somebody. I'm just trying to enjoy my life but I have to be conscience of the impression I leave on other people even if I'm doing nothing threatening and just trying to be friendly
This hairstyle really suits you actually. I mean, do what's comfy for you. I know from experience that longer hair needs more maintenance and can be more frustrating to deal with, but you rock it well.
Mhmmm. Definitely do what makes you feel great with your hair, but completely and utterly unrelated to what is good for any individual, my personal aesthetic preference has *al-ways* been that I find longer hair on men incredibly attractive.
As a bi girl I'm afraid of creeping out women already so I can't imagine if I were to present as a guy,,, this video is so so interesting!!! Thank you so much ❤❤
While I'm not trans, I'm a cis woman, I am bisexual. I've known that since I was little. I've always found both women and men equally attractive. However, I understand the fear of "outing" yourself. As a woman, I think I have it easier socially than a man. It's not... I don't know, as hard because of how society answers to women being into women. I stopped caring and if someone talked about a cute girl celebrity, or whatever, I'd just chime in with my honest answer. However, it's seen as "hot" for a woman to be into other women and not so much for men who are into men. I hate that so much. I also hate the whole "well, you're bi, so you just will have sex with anyone" or that I'm "betraying" my bisexuality by being married to a man... being bi is a lot rougher in both the "regular" world and the LGBTQ+ world. I always feel like we're the black sheep. I'm not suddenly not attracted to women because I'm with a man, *AND* I'm also not like "looking" for a woman to have sex with. The stereotypes of bisexual people is just disappointing for any gender. TL;DR : I feel your pain and can empathize with your bisexual issues, especially.
Ive noticed most people see a bi woman as hot or a whore, and a bi man as disgusting or pedophile, (not everyone obviously) and i was never really sure why people got "i sleep around" from "I'm open to a relationship with either gender"
@@courtnrysalamone7677 Yep, exactly. It's frustrating, just because I'm bisexual doesn't mean I'm promiscuous. And regardless, who cares? As long as you're doing it safely, with consent, and not to the detriment of yourself or others... what business is it of anyone's who you sleep with?
I'm female and my friend is a trans male. I wasn't aware of this for the first year and a half we knew each other. He would always try to touch me, or hang off of me, going in for hugs or to hold my hand and it made me super uncomfortable. It didn't feel predatory (he's a lot younger than me) but it definitely was more touching than I'm comfortable with from a guy and I wasn't sure why he was doing it if it wasn't to be intentionally creepy. When I learned he was trans it didn't make me more comfortable with touching, but it added that insight that this was a learned behavior from before transition. Society is generally okay with girls touching each other openly, but definitely not with men touching women, or even touching other men. I am uncomfortable with being touched in general, but after realizing that I thought if my friend was a girl I would have been more receptive to being touched causally.
As a gay guy, I'm used to having the "privilege" of being able to interact with women in a loving way without usually coming across as creepy. It's strange though, and was even more strange when I was an awkward teenager. I have to telegraph my homosexuality or outright come out in order to be as friendly with some women as I want to be. Perhaps that sounds crazy, but I've noticed a marked difference before and after coming out with some women. It reveals how deep the assumption of "Every guy wants to get with a woman" mentality runs to me, that I have to say in a coded way, "Hey, I CAN'T be attracted to you! I could never hurt you like that!" to really be opened up to. (Not pinning the blame on women for this of course, but society.) I've even had one scenario as a teenager where I fell while doing something and grazed the boob of a friend-of-a-friend. That friend legitimately encouraged me to come out to her right then because of how uncomfortable it made her with the assumption I was straight. Nothing changed about the incident, but after coming out she went from beside herself to laughing about it. That's the only time I was ever forced (or pressured) to come out and I'm still not 100% sure what to make of it years later, lol. I also understand the issue with seeming predatory as a guy, especially being gay. I work with 4-6 year-olds every summer and I'm always at least partially aware of how I act to avoid accidentally giving off "red flags," which is a shame. I know most guys in my place of work have a similar issue. Interestingly, I kind of default to coming off as extra gay around parents, despite the "gay people are pedophiles" stereotype. While I usually don't think much of it, I suppose subconsciously I try to turn my nurturing up to 11 so I can read more like my female coworkers and avoid reading "too masculine" for the job. (And I guess maybe it's worked - I get the same compliments from parents and kids that my female coworkers get, and more frequently than my male coworkers.) So tl;dr: I've always found it really weird that my gayness can make me seem like less of an assumed danger to people, and sometimes it forces me to telegraph my queerness when it doesn't feel personally right to do so.
Yes of course, that's obvious, right? I m a woman, and I m much more loving and affectionate with my male gay friends, because it won't seem like I fancy them. Whereas with my straight male friends and lesbian friends I ll be less affectionate, in order to avoid any potential confusion. I m very aware of this, and have long since figured out that that's the reason I want to know people's sexuality, because it informs thr level of affection I display.
@@Wandering.Homebody I was thinking that in the story that the friend of a friend just didn't want to think of them as trying to take advantage of the situation and catch a feel vs accidentally being to close an accidentally grazing them. I also wouldn't be surprised if it happened to them previously
Your interactions with friends still depend on if they’re comfortable and have consented to certain types of touch. Many women have been inappropriately touched and groped by gay men who think they’re allowed to touch them because they’re not sexually attracted to them. There’s still boundaries. There’s still respect to women’s bodies. Gay men can still participate in misogyny. Not saying you did this; just trying to make some people aware of that.
I think im more comfortably with gay men because I’ve noticed that I can act just as freely (and be myself) as I do around my female friends. I like to flirt joke a lot with my friends, and im generally affectionate with others. Many guys take that as i want them(which i can kinda understand), but has also at times started to stalk me, even if I explain im not interested, or tries to manipulate me into a relationship...which sucks. If i 100% know they’re not interested, it lets me be me without risking putting myself in danger
Your experience about outing yourself as attracted to men during that photo shoot is relatable. I’m trans masculine and married to a man, so it’s been interesting moving through the world being perceived as a straight couple vs now, being viewed as a cis gay couple. Definitely a transition on multiple levels for me and my partner!
@@valenz1234 Hmm you mean the experience overall? I think it added a layer to my transition because not only was I transitioning to being perceived as a man, I was also automatically transitioned to being perceived as a gay man. So it was almost two different experiences, changing how people perceive me as a straight woman to a gay man lol. Thankfully my partner has been great through it all and we live somewhere that is pretty LGBT friendly. I hope that answered your question!
Man, I'm glad you mentioned the kids thing. I just love the little buggers, and people used to be really positive about it, until I turned about 20. Now I get weird looks even when I'm just hanging out with my little cousins.
Numerous people assumed the same thing when I told them I was transitioning ftm recently. They were surprised that even though I have only ever been into guys, I would still be into guys. My mother seemed to think the only reason to transition was to date women. Like you couldn't just be lesbian or bi and leave your gender as it is.
I'm male to female and the things you brought up are actually good points. With kids and babies, I was conditioned that I should steer clear of babies and children so that I don't come across as pedophilic. After transition, and especially once I was no longer recognizable as male, people are constantly asking me to hold babies or will start talking about their kids. I have a learned behavior to not engage in conversations relating to kids and definitely no holding babies so it's always awkward and I'll just respond with, "I don't do well with kids" even though my nieces and nephews (5-7) love me. As a man, I never gave compliments. It either came off as creepy, sexually motivated, or awkward, sometimes all three. Now though, I receive lots of compliments, but I still can't give compliments back because I don't know what appropriate compliments are and I still have that mental note that it'll still probably come off the wrong way because I'm openly bisexual. One of the starkest contrasts though is how I can give my opinion grounded in facts and experience and people don't take it as serious as they used to. And in the work place, when I was a man I'd be offered promotions within six months of being at a new job and now even when I give twice the effort as I used to, I'm not even on the radar, let alone offered anything. One thing I do appreciate now though compared to before is that I can have more valid feelings past 'fine' and 'angry'. It was an awkward feeling when I found out that I can actually say exactly how I feel and no one questions it. I could never do that as a man. If I said I was sad, I'd be told to 'man up'. If I said I was lonely, I'd be called a loser. If I was being energetic and chipper people would automatically assume I got laid or that something was wrong because I wasn't being moody. It's certainly interesting learning the new dichotomy of the whole gender differences. I've been me now for 8 years and I'm still learning things I can do that I couldn't before and learning things that aren't okay any more that I could do before.
I'm transitioning the other way around and I have experienced everything you talked about in reverse. I sometimes might want to complement a woman about her clothes in a platonic way but I am attracted to women and I was socialized as a man and I don't want it to come across as me hitting on them. Before I came out as trans everyone at the grocery store where I work my supervisors told me I needed to be more proactive. Now nobody tells me that. When I'm filling in for someone in the very male dominant meat department one of my coworkers there is extremely condescending towards me.
That sucks that your coworker is condescending to you. That is the absolute most annoying thing imo about living as a woman, how (stupid!) men think they know better than you. As for the being more proactive at work comment, I actually had never thought about this before but I (ftm) recently started a customer service job and they are super on my case about being the best possible cashier I can be, and I thought it was weird because I’ve only seen them say that to me and one other guy, even though there are lots of young people (and young women working there). Your comment now has me wondering if being male is the reason theyre so focused on me?
To be honest, a lot of females will take a compliment from a female way better than one from a male. Now that you transitioned, you don't seem as intimidating and you don't seem like you're only complimenting us to get in our pants... that's my opinion. I've totally misread so many females trying to flirt with me as just them being nice. Heck, I've even playfully flirted with girls and such because as a female, that's just what we do. Just try not to overthink it. It may have come off as creepy before your transition, but now it's just a compliment for anyone who isn't reading too much into it. I guess it also comes off as weird and awkward if you feel awkward doing it, so compliment with confidence.
@@AliciaBrownSugar you've "playfully flirted with girls"? Are you attracted to girls? If not, I'm confused. I get complimenting and like, gushing over another girl's clothes, hair, style, body (but not in a sexual way), etc. But straight up flirting? That seems like a lesbian thing to do to me. (I should know since I am lesbian 😅) Maybe we have different definitions of flirting, to me flirting entails sexual or romantic intentions.
@@angel1812 my best friends and I used to jokingly use flirty language "Ooh, look at you! Sexy!!!" "Hot stuff!" type of stuff, not "I want to throw you on the bed and screw you all night" type of flirting. Friendly girly flirting, not actual sexual intent flirting. Even family members would say stuff like that. You're not going to say my sister and aunts were sexually attracted to me, now are you? Just because we can have fun using flirty language, especially in front of guys, doesn't make us prefer that gender. It was just fun and funny. Sorry I didn't specify, not random girls, just people in my close friend circle.
@@AliciaBrownSugar ok, haha that makes more sense. For some reason my brain just went straight to assuming you meant random girls. And my definition of flirting is basically like hitting on them, trying to get with them, so that's what I assumed. 😅
I’m nonbinary and when I am perceived as male I find that I’m taken a lot more seriously, especially when I’m in a group of male friends they feel more comfortable talking to me if they think I’m a guy which I guess is kinda obvious but even when it’s not a group of male friends people just sorta take me more seriously that when I present more feminine.
I can understand all of these. My husband and I were a straight presenting couple, and now we're a same sex presenting couple, and we've definitely noticed the different treatment.
I'm glad youre making this. Its not just women who face discrimination, its men too. Its just all kinds of inequality... I consider myself to be a feminist, but Im not the type who thinks its only girls who struggle or that girls are above men or any of that other bs. I just want men, women, and all other genders to be equal, without any societal expectations or "rules."
Dude you kinda suit the shaggier hair. Things i've realised you can't do so easily if you're perceived as male: Smiling at babies. Talking to children. Talking to random women in stores without it being seen as unwanted advances. Complimenting women without it coming across as creepy. Hugging. Being overly tactile. Taking photos of dolls in public (seriously you can get away with this as a grown woman but a grown man playing with dolls is apparently even wierder and unacceptably so. Bah). I find it hard to shut up about "women issues" too because I have a personal experience with those things. I've given birth, i've endured decades of doctors dismissing my pain from hormonal problems, i've experienced a lot of the crap that you have to just deal with when you have a uterus and it kinda sucks to not be able to talk about it. We actually had a male teacher/nursery worker at my eldest kid's nursery. I remember they had to send out letters when they employed him because some people weren't okay with it but seeing him with the kids he was SUCH a great influence to have, showing young boys that men could be soft, gentle and nurturing which was an important thing to learn. The boys in particular LOVED having a guy there, I suppose it made them feel like... represented or something. the primary school also has a few male teachers including the head of the SEN unit who works with the autistic kids. It's good for kids to see men in that sort of setting, as well as being a good role model for boys it also teaches the kids what NORMAL interactions with men should be like. It's funny you mention being treated like a teenager and having people yelling at you. I got that even presenting female. ALL THE TIME. I've had grown men loom over me and scream at me for "being too loud" (with no sense of irony), i've had old ladies yell at me to get off their lawn because I was too close to their driveway or something. I've had people march over to me sitting in the priority seats on buses (I have several disabilities and every right to sit there) and be scolded and intimidated for DARING to sit there. Whenever i'm out with my teen son people assume we're both teenagers rather than a parent and a kid and treat us accordingly. With suspicion. It's annoying but it also highlights how poorly adults actually treat teenagers. Like, why do they assume teens are bad? Maybe if you didn't treat them like shit they wouldn't have an attitude against authority figures -_- But yeah, i've been being treated like a kid for a long time and it's really irritating. I'm in my 30s, people still assume i'm 15 and that wouldn't be so bad if people didn't treat teenagers so poorly and with such suspicion and assumptions. I had a woman in a store get REAL mad at me when I had to show her my ID. She seemed to take it personally insulting that I was twice the age she thought I was and got super snakey with me. I was all "sorry?" like it was somehow my fault I was older than I looked. It was bizarre. I haven't been shouted at recently though. I feel like honestly, people were more willing to try to intimidate someone they percieved to be a teen GIRL than a teen BOY.
Re: burping: the way burping (loudly) in public is received definitely has a lot to do with the culture you're doing it in as well. I live near the US-Canada border so occasionally (before COVID) I would go see concerts across the border. After one such concert my friends and I went to a bar in Canada and had some beers and of course the burps came fast and hard for me. I'm used to just letting them rip, so I did, and holy crap did the Canadian men around me throw shade - I'm talking condescending glares, scoffs, and comments like "ugh, Americans." A few days later I was in a bar in the US and had some heavy beer burps, and American men either ignored it or said "nice one." Burping in 2 different places 100 miles apart can yield very different reactions based on the culture you're burping in!
Really relate to the problem of people especially security assuming I am a teenage boy and up to no good. Just the other day, I was looking for my regular skin care product (puberty spots from T) and security came over and stood there watching me. Literally was just looking for the one product that seems to work with my skin but struggling to find it as they had moved everything around.
Omg I know exactly what you mean, once me and my friend (both boys in our late teens at the time) were in a Superdrug just looking for the best combination of moisteriser, face scrub, blackhead remover and face masks (the healing kind, this was pre-covid) and it was taking us a VERY long time as there were a lot of options and we were very indicisive. It genuinely took us over 40 minutes of walking around and discussing the different properties, possible combinations, whether they would be good on sensitve skin and the prices etc before we finally came to a decision. The WHOLE TIME the shop's one security guard (who had been guarding the entrance when we came in) was staring right at us, completely ignoring other shoppers and following us close behind wherever we went. It was like he thought that if he took his eyes off us for just a split second we would pocket something. It made us feel horrible, particularly as we're both people who never steal, and the fact that he obviously distrusted us so much just from his assumptions that he would follow us for over 40 MINUTES while we non-stopped talked about the products in a way that made it obvious we were planning on buying them really made me question how society viewed me. I always knew that people distrusted teenagers, especially male teens, but before then whenever people would first be worried upon seeing me, it wouldn't take them long in my vicinity for them to realise that I'm a total softie who would be too anxious to ever commit a crime, let alone actually want to bc I empathise far too much with people to risk doing something that could cause a problem for someone else (same with my friend). Anyway long story short, neither of us are ever shopping there again, and creepily following while staring down paying customers for 40 mins is not a great marketing strategy. Plus if 2 people are spending that long talking about the products they are probably going to buy them. Surprise! Some teen boys want to buy face care products! It's almost like teen boys are capable of getting spots! Who knew????
Not gonna lie I'm way too petty for dealing with this as calm and collected as you all did. I'd probably have tried chatting the security up, asking them 'So you looking for face products too?'' or some other dumb shit or just to be extra petty I would've stayed for hours just to waste the security guards time
This was amazing to watch, thank you. I'm nonbinary, but I've lived almost all of my life as a cis straight man for various reasons. I definitely have an enormous amount of privilege because of that, but it also comes with a LOT of unspoken rules and a constant threat posed by other men. It's a lot like having the privileges and limitations of being a manager, but without the responsibilities. Being nonbinary makes it extra difficult to interact with people because I'm not always aware that I look like I should be raiding the English coastline with the rest of the Northmen. Because that image runs so counter to my identity, simply being around new people requires me to make myself actively aware of my appearance in order to judge if what I'm saying will be acceptable, no matter my intent.
I really appreciate you as a fresh perspective, Jackson. I started watching you when I was still relatively conservative and unsure how to approach LGBTQ issues, and over the years I went from enjoying watching you make waffle abominations to really respecting your patience and kindness in taking your audience along for the ride of your transition. I can confidently say that I have become wildly more liberal and am a proud ally while still holding on to faith as well, but I still always welcome and appreciate the extra perspective you're able to give me, as a pretty sheltered straight white guy. No matter what negativity or hate may be thrown at you in the future, know that you have definitely made an impact on me, and I'm sure you've been a literal lifesaver to many as well. Lots of love and support to you all of the days to come ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
When I started a new job all of the girls barely talked to me, and if they did, they seemed a bit weary of me. It took a couple of months for some girls to even reply to my in passing "hi". I felt awful because I understood that weariness better than they thought, but at the same time I had no way of saying "Im not a creep! I promise! I understand!". For a lot of us the worst case scenario is coming off as perverts (and that is true for most men, cis or not), not just because that in itself is bad, but because we've most likely been the other person at some point; and there's nothing we can do about it other than coming out on the spot.
One of the most apparent differences in my life has been the treatment of mental health. I remember throughout all of my early life in school I would watch girls break down crying or just have a rough time and they would almost always receive immediate help and a walk to a counselor, nurse, etc. I personally am terrified to ask for help in most situations because the response for most of my life has been to "man up" instead of that same assistance. I've seen the same people who jumped to help a little girl, leave boys of the same age to cry in a corner.
Back when I was read as a woman I could compliment women and girls without coming across as creepy. I miss being able to say 'I love your hair!' or whatever without any ulterior motive to be assumed. I just try and sound as 'gay' as possible about it so they know I'm nonthreatening. But I'm still MUCH more aware of this now I'm read as male and feel less open with my compliments which I don't like.
As a AMAB, I learned not to compliment anyone. Women will think I'm being a perv (which I understand why, they have every right to be cautious, even if I'm not into women at all). And if I compliment a man, he just thinks I'm a gay creep trying to hit on him, especially since I am not masculine at all. So, no compliments from me.
I’m almost exclusively perceived as female even though I am a male-leaning non-binary person. I am quite aware of the fact that a lot of stuff I say and do would put me in the creep category if I were to exclusively perceived as male. I’m way too deep into the dad jokes (for which I will blame the fact that my native tongue leans towards punny humour). I’ve got a massive penchant for dick jokes. The way I deal with all people may come across as flirting to some degree. If I was perceived as male, I would most likely be in the creep zone.
@@dougmasters4620 I’m not a woman. I’m a male-leaning non-binary person. So if you would look at gender as a spectrum and put a “true” non-binary in the middle between male and female, someone in the middle area towards the male side is a non-binary person with male leanings. Since I am non-binary, I will not be perceived as male (or female), so a lot of the stuff I say is not quite as creepy as it could be.
As a Swede I find it so odd that men are seen as predators around children in the US (and other parts of the world for that matter). In the US I think the base problem is that fathers aren't seen as caretakers in their family, they're seen solely as moneymakers, they're seen as this person who only provides for their family financially. In Sweden any parent is seen as a caretaker, and that term includes providing financial stability for the family (I mean, poverty is a thing, but I mean in the general Swedish population), no matter the parent's gender.
I'm a bi Trans guy and me and my friends were always super huggy with eachother but now I find I don't feel as able to hug/give physical comfort to certainly my friends who are straight girls.
Society largely seems to believe that a male and female can’t be friends and if they do perfectly innocent things like hug or hold hands or even sit “too close” to each other it must mean you are or are trying to pursue something. A girl can hug a guy and vice versa purely because they are friends
This is amazing! And an incredibly important perspective that the world needs to see. So few people get to experience and fewer people are open to sharing. So everyone that has open up in the comments and this video. So much appreciation for this!
not gonna lie, this video made me kinda anxious. i’m almost 22 and i’m about to start T and i have a lot of concerns about how to present as a man because it’s taken me my whole life as an autistic afab person just figuring out how to relate to people around me on a functional, not excruciatingly awkward way. and i definitely lean into a female innocence and feminine mannerisms a lot. but at the same time behaving like that feels fake && causes a lot of dysphoria for me and i can’t wait for it to end. but great video!! it definitely gave me a lot to think about
I get that. I too spent a lot of time figuring out how to relate to people and function as not-awkward and a lot of that meant taking on mannerisms, vocal inflections, and even interests that I observed in girls/women. Definitely still have trouble shaking some that give me dysphoria on occasion, but others I have found I don't care about because I can be a man on my own terms. I hear you on the intimidation and won't deny that it'll be tough and frustrating sometimes, but I believe in you and believe you'll grow in confidence over time. I think I'm way more confident and less awkward as a guy than I ever was when I presented as a girl.
hey i understand you. i get that female innocence thing. i feel the same i think. im only 17 and i really am shy. when i represented as a girl, people thought it was cute and sweet. now that everyone sees me as a boy, that changed. out of a sudden i have to man up or speak up for myself more often. and if i am shy, people think its weak and awkward.
You hit the nail on the head with a lot of these. A lot of times in public I feel like I'm a monster. I'm straight and And as an art teacher, I do feel weird around kids especially after my boss told me that they NEVER have classes with only male teachers (they allow two females but not two males, we work in teams of two) because she thinks that "the children won't be safe." And everyone else on the staff agreed with her. I'm kinda nervous that we are going to train kids to be fearful of men at some point. And as far as trying to not walk too close to a woman goes, it kinda sucks that it is assumed that I am unable to control my sexual desires and that I want to be creepy towards just any woman that walks next to me. I study fashion so when I see a piece that looks nice I try to remember it for future projects. I'm not trying to hit on anyone - and I think it's pretentious that people assume I would. (I am aware of the catcalling that goes on and I find that to be gross) Your highschool teen boy comments were also super accurate! And I really agree with your point on feeling like you can't contribute when participating in feminist related events. I was always told that "your a straight black man you need to sit down and listen to us" even when my points agreed with theirs. It kinda made me feel like I didn't belong in this "club" but I was expected to be there to be berated. I did find it ironic because I went there to learn more about how "it's ok to express my emotions as a man," but ended up keeping a lot inside still. I just feel like men are being branded as the new "bad guy" and I don't think it's really going to help any of us want to understand each other better. And why is it ok to objectify men? If it's bad to objectify people why is this ok? Male objectification kinda works to where If you look like x, you are this. when I asked one of my friends why he doesn't like to date or won't go into teaching (great at English) he told me that "I'm a big white, long hair dude = pedophile, tech guy or "not worth dating". I find that messed up and to be a form of objectification. Especially since I was hired as a teacher because I am short, black, no tattoos and I look like I went to college so I get the "non-threatening" label (and they NEEDED a black male teacher to meet their diversity quota). I enjoyed this video and I feel like you touched on some things that might be heard coming from you than from me. And I'm grateful for you and your thoughts.
As a girl it's cute and expected for you to like children, when you like children as a guy you're easily seen as a creep, now I'm perceived as a guy I'm scared to make girls feel uncomfortable, I don't feel free to wear the clothes I want to wear or wear make up. When you're a girl people want to help you more(when you're lost, etc), when you're a boy you're expected to be able to handle shit, also emotionally. I'm still scared of guys when Im out alone at night, but now girls are scared of me too.. Mostly that us no issue for me tho as I am short and my aura is very non threatening. But I don't feel like I can express myself the way I could as a girl, I can't wear skirts anymore, well I could but I wouldn't pass and if I would I would be stared at and ice been stared at my entire life I've had enough of that thank u v much Tldr: guys are seen as dangerous and competent, girls are seen as weak, in need of help/defense and trustworthy and have a lot more freedom of gender expression
I agree with godlike cause it helped me so much when I started taking kickboxing classes…being able to hold your own in a fight until you can escape gives you so much needed confidence whether you’re trans or cis
im glad ftm are able to empathize with us men. As a guy life is just so much harder in every faccet you will be treated worse in EVERY scenaro whether its somebody taking your order at starbucks or just waiting at the DMV. People just dont respect guys as they do girls. girls are seen as pretty little helpless gazelles which can be bad or good for them depending on the situation. but most of the time for 99% of life its so much easier to have people treat you as an actual human being with emotions. as a man you have to toughen up and thats why male suicide rate is 3.5x higher in men. which is the most insane stat ever. Ladies, i know you think youre oppressed, but trust me its not greener on the other side its blacker… life as a man is the toughest thing anybody can do
I came out at like 14 and started transitioning really early in my life, I’m 19 now and looking back there was a lot less academic pressure before I transitioned to male. I was always in the “talented and gifted” program until I came out and I guess the teachers expected more from a boy and I ended up in lower level classes. I think the expectations were lower for a girl. Also, I really feel the complimenting women thing. It’s rough.
The kid/baby thing bothers me so much!! And actually, that’s the only one that I don’t feel is fair or an appropriate fear/assumption. Like sure, a lot of predators are white men, but not all of them and the proportion of men who actually are child predators is completely disproportionate to the amount of parents who assume every man is a child predator. Expressing that you like kids should not classify a woman as a nice stranger and a man as a creep, and I hate that when I see a baby in public instead of being able to smile and wave the interaction forces all of these worries and judgements on to me.
I think parents have an instinct to protect their children from danger, but we live in a time when children are actually in far less danger than has ever been the case. The instinct remains though, so parents naturally see all dangers exagerated. They live in a world where all drivers are drunk, all edged objects have vorpal sharpness, and every bush conceals a child molester.
COMPLEMENTS yes this has made me so so nervous. I'm Autistic so I'm already nervous about messing up communication but I'm a very complementary person and it feels weird now. I could relate to alot of your video and experiences. I think one I'm noticing more is my customer sevice voice. With my other friends in customer service we joke about how our voices when working with clients is so fake and its funny but its also very high pitch and uses pet names like honey or gendered terms like ma'am or sir. I wish I knew how to make that feel less feminine or jarring because I know that there isn't a certain way I should talk to make myself valid or anything but I do feel dysphoric about it and I'm not sure how to change it.
I can kind of relate to the part about your voice. My voice always goes high pitched and polite when I talk to or in front of strangers, on the phone, etc. and it's so frustrating. it's the biggest thing keeping me from passing, I think. To me, it helps to do like voice exercises or practice how I would talk in front of someone. it doesn't always work, but it's my best guess.◝(⁰▿⁰)◜
On the spectrum myself...my rule of thumb is to avoid compliments unless it's someone I know well. But if I do, limit it to something like a new hairstyle or clothes. Best to steer away from compliments on bodies.
That part about bisexuality was so interesting. As a bi cis woman I'm definitely also very conscious of how I talk about my attraction and often catch myself picking the "right" gender for whichever company I'm in so as not to out myself with people I don't know well if I'm not in an lgbt+ inclusive space.
The kids and men thing is sad but so true. I was in an education program and my male peers had to jump through hoops to get in schools for observations. One of them had to request their state finger printing and background check be sent to the school. Meanwhile at every single school I went to I just gave a letter to a secretary at the front office. I would be accepted without meeting anyone first and called for a date to come in. Even after starting observations I often never met the principal even once, only the department head. At the last school I observed at, I would get buzzed in to the building with ease and often waved away from the security desk after they recognized me coming in multiple times. The ONLY day I had to wait outside before being buzzed in was when a young man around my age (also dressed professionally) was there before me so we had to enter together. And this is just for secondary education (6th-12th grade, I mostly focused on high schools), I can't imagine guys trying to work in the lower grades. It sucks but it's the reality.
As a cis woman I have to say that men, or male presenting people feeling like they're unable to compliment makes me sad because there are so many times when I personally appreciate it. I can't speak for all women/femmes, but for me it all depends on what the compliment is and how you say. Normally complimenting something neutral like a woman's hair or clothing is fine i.e. "I like your hair/outfit/make-up". And I've received these kinds of compliments from men who presented or read as straight or at least femme attracted. Creepy territory is when it starts to feel like a rehearsed pick up like i.e. "Hey sexy/beautiful" And that's the most annoying when it comes from random guys on the street.
As a trans girl I definitely noticed a ton more compliments on my appearance after I came out. Personally I welcome all compliments from any gender (though it's 80% from women, but I have had a couple men compliment me in a respectful way) I think the main thing is to keep it to a genuine compliment and not a statement of attraction, lol.
Tbh I’ve had the opposite experience on the first one 😂 before I transitioned and lived as a guy no one gave a damn if I burped really loud, especially like frat bro types, and now if I do it I get lectured about how it’s unladylike and it actually had shock value hahahahaha
Hi Jackson, This is all very, very, insightful! I am older, 60, going in the other direction, a transgender woman, so it is very interesting for me to hear and get acknowledgement from you of some of the things I felt when presenting as a man for so long. All the best to you! Christie
The academic achievements one hits home. I haven't transitioned medically yet, but I can imagine that people expect more. As a girl, they really do expect less of you. My bro and I both went to university and received similar grades. Both in STEM majors. But for some reason, everyone is always hyping up my brother, but downplaying my achievements, as if it isn't nearly as good as my brother's achievements. Even when my family has questions related to my field of expertise, they go and ask my brother and ignore me. Even when my brother then redirects them to me, they still ignore me and even appear disappointed...
Proves how much double standards humans set on each other. It's sad. But at the same time, there are bad eggs are out there and the reason people are the way they are.
My rule for complementing strangers/coworkers is to complement something they have control over. Something that was a choice they made. Certain item of clothing/shoes. Or they way they may do their work. I try to use words that are specific to the feeling im trying to get across. Like “that shirt is awesome, i love harry potter” or “i love your hair color! Purple is the way to go!”. “Or even, you were super helpful today, we got so much work done!” Of course, I’m a youngish looking girl and when i was in customer service, being nice to people was the job so even those careful phrases could eventually be misconstrued as hitting on someone.
I'm glad you consider it. Once, a guy walked behind me all the way across campus at night. I felt so creeped out and scared, and had 911 ready to call. Then, at the last minute he walked into a different building. He was probably just walking somewhere harmless. But I Really wish he had thought, "Oh, maybe I shouldn't be right on the heels of a girl out alone at night."
@ÖC Oh yeah for sure that's what I think happened. I just wish he had considered how it looked to me. I kept looking back at him, afraid, and I dont think he put together what I was afraid of. And a lot of guys don't. They just aren't told, you know? No one's fault, just one scary walk
No, a lot of us know and feel bad about it but there isn't much we can really do. Should guys purposely take a longer path? Should we stop and wait until you're out of view? Trying to go faster to pass you up would probably make you feel worse, and you'd go faster so he doesn't pass you. If he says something like "Don't worry I'm not trying to hurt you" you'd probably actually call 9-11. It's really an unfortunate situation where both people will feel uncomfortable.
@@EddJM You know, I was actually thinking along these lines. I asked myself "Well, what should he have done?" And you're right, there aren't any good options, really. It just kind of sucks. Thanks for your perspective, it makes a lot of sense
@@EddJM Society today has done this to themselves. No wonder everyone is confused and awkward around other people. No one is socialized anymore and everyone takes to victim-hood like it is a religion. Media tries to convince you that all men are predatory. This makes you fear them. Men are told pretty much if they open their mouth , they are wrong or imposing their privilege onto someone else. So the man keeps his mouth shut for fear anything he says will be taken the wrong way and around the tree we go never advancing in Society. Maybe they had it right in the past. I heard stories from my Great grandma about how she and my Great Grandpa met and courted, her words. It would have gone like this. Good evening, nice night out isn't it. It looks like we are going the same way, mind if I walk with you? It is kind of unsettling being out hear alone and I really think there is safety in numbers or something like that. To here my grandma tell it, my grandpa was a perfect gentleman and always tried to make people feel at ease.
As a trans woman there are so many things I can relate to here but obviously in reverse, and what's worse is that I feel bad about really enjoying that I can do those things without judgement and guys can't, but it is very gender affirming to me to be able to. On the flip side though any "female privileges" I might have now are definitely overshadowed by the male privilege I lost. It's a give and take and I don't think that I can say having one side of things would be better than the other, except for the fact that even the bad trade offs are gender affirming and now I feel comfortable in my social roles much more than before.
You are so intelligent. And wise about society and the world. Like seriously WOW. This was super eye-opening to myself and surely thousands of others as well. So inspiring; thank you for putting this out!
I definitely relate to worrying about coming off as creepy. when I first came out I was 15 and I started a new school very shortly after and I was stealth and I was slightly intimidated by the other guys so I tried to make friends with girls because I thought I already knew how to socialize with girls and I think I either came off as creepy or like I wanted something more than friendship so I didn't end up making any friends. and at first I was really confused about why they were acting so stand offish around me but looking back it mustve been really uncomfortable for them. I think learning how to navigate social situations as a guy is really hard at first because you have no idea how to "act like a guy", if you mimic the other guys around you, you feel weird and like you're trying too hard but if you sorta "act like a girl" you come off as creepy.
It's crazy im just now realizing this. I've always been passionate about caring for and learning more about trans [and disabled] people, despite growing up in a very conservative Christian home and being very religious myself. I've obviously always been autistic, but I didn't actually know what it was until recently, and I'm only now seeing that the reason I was so empathetic to the trans experience was and is because I've always been able to relate to it so much. Now more than ever, since I'm post-diagnosis, pre-coming out. It's interesting how it brews in us very similar coping strategies, camouflage, and intense social anxiety. Versus those who maybe transitioned very young and those who were diagnosed and received extra care at a young age. I hear so many stories of people successfully never developing masking as a default state because everyone around them just expected them to be different, and there are people like Nikki Tutorials who have successfully brought their "trans-ness" to the background of their identity. What really is strange is those of us who internalize everything, gaslight ourselves, and essentially live closeted with difficulties we can't even describe. I always struggled with the idea of being truly vulnerable. As an enneagram 4, it's all I wanted with those close to me, yet it felt like I was missing something, and just like in transition, it was only when I discovered the autistic self id kept locked away that I could truly actually begin to open up and feel present.
"... different ways our society treats men and women. Or, people they perceive to be men and women" - as someone who can't even start to think about coming out of the closet, and is therefore constantly misgendered, thanks for emphasizing the second part. I like the video, but I have a couple disagreements. You waved it away as understandable, but I think it's very much not okay to treat men as potential predators all the time. Crossing to the other side of the street at night is thoughtful of you, but when you're in public and there's a child near other adults, it should be one hundred percent acceptable for a guy to interact with the child the same way he could if he were a woman because it doesn't threaten the child in any way. Also regrading your point about feminism, a lot of women have some wacky ideas what feminism is or should be, so if something they say doesn't sit well with you, I don't see why you shouldn't be allowed to weight in. Feminism is not just for women and women's issues are often not one-sided. Anyway, you look great with the hair and beard.
I mean I sort of agree with you but statistically as far as I’m aware, men are more likely to be predators (as a guy I understand why people might be nervous), it’s an unfortunate truth of society really
YES!!! As a cis bisexual man, hard agree on a lot of these points. I want to start making RUclips videos soon about my life experiences and weighing in with my political and social opinions, so I'll have to keep this video, it's points therein, and the topic of the perception of men in society in mind for when I get around to finally uploading videos, but I pretty much hard agree on these points. It is really shitty and not okay that men are perceived as predators in waiting and a danger to kids and women. If negative stereotypes against women are bad and need to be challenged in order to move forward socially and treat everybody equitably (and to be clear, that is true.), it boggles me that so many times when some of the shit lots that men deal with are brought up, it's often handwaved with "well, I get it." "It's kind of true though", or "but men brought this on themselves. something patriarchy, toxic men, etc.". On the crossing the street thing, I hard agree you shouldn't have to move for anybody. I'm a bi guy who by choice doesn't date women, and more to the point understand basic decency and will never randomly accost someone on the street to cat call them or some shit, let alone seize the moment to just have my way with or mangle someone on the street cause I'm just a big scary guy who totally could and my big scary male brute brain predisposes me to thinking I'm entitled to doing that *eyeroll*. If that's how I'm perceived, well that's the womans problem for assuming, not mine. I'm just going about my business walking on the sidewalk I have just as much right to as she does. It's not I who should have to change my behavior to reaffirm that I'm one of the good men, because the stereotype that I could be a violent lunk in waiting and just an object of harm to a woman walking down the street is some bullshit that doesn't justify a counter response. In a sick way sometimes I fantasize of a day when I get the cops called on me or tazed or peppersprayed for having the audacity to exist as a man, and I get to to be a martyr for men who just exist and I can expose people who make asses of themselves for presuming I'm big, scary, and creepy just for being a man. I know, that's super unlikely to ever happen, I most likely will never have to deal with that I'm thankful for it, but it feels mighty shitty that on any level I can worry that that might realistically happen. Ditto for the men and children thing. I have a 10 year old family member in my life who's one of the lights of my world. I lover her and I love kids, and I hate that men are viewed as more likely to predatory and I hate how it seems like everybody almost wants to find the pedo lurking in plain sight, like a witch hunt. That shit hurts, and while Jackson in this video justified this with the point that predators come in all genders (true), lets not kid ourselves here that the average person, or even virtually anyone, is giving women the same kind of suspicious side eye they give men because they're worried that anyone could be a predator. What's worse is that, unlike the woman on a sidewalk thing, I actually feel a bigger urge to change my behavior with children in public since I feel like there's a tangible danger to myself if someone gets the wrong idea about me in close proximity to a child, be it getting beat up or worse like pissing off the wrong pedo paranoid gun nut (God bless "Murica and all.), or having to deal with police who'd also be biased towards the idea that I could be a predator because I'm a man. Men are so often seen as vessels of harm and predation done onto others (sometimes even other men), and I'm sick of accommodating that. That needs to be challenged and dispelled, and I try to do that whenever it feels safe to do so by just being myself in public and having rational discussions challenging these notions when I am able to. Ditto on the point about challenging feminism too. If listening to others and respecting people's feelings as valid is something we're trying to prioritize more as a society, then that goes for the average man who have grievances too. I don't think we should sit down and take when we feel like we're being unfairly judged, miscategorized, or stereotyped. the narrative is often that men are always taken seriously and that this is the result of women and minorities finally being heard, and to a point that's true and there is noticeable good coming from that. Still, I don't see anybody actually taking seriously men who have grievances like mine in any widely accepted discourse, or if these concerns are talked about at all it's framed as men finally worrying about dealing with consequences for their actions, as though it's impossible for a man to be unfairly judged and that any man who worries about negative stereotype necessarily embodies those very sterotypes. I feel like I have more to say on this, but I don't want to rant for too long here. I should hold on to some of my thoughts for when I can put these ideas out to a wider audience myself.
I mean... about the predator thing: one time I was really skeptical about this grown man watching these two little girls. He had a camera in his hand and I know pedos like pictures and stuff😐. So I tried to get my cousins outta there as SOO as possible. I don’t think that makes me bad, it makes me cautious. I’m always cautious about walking to my bus stop when there are men around. I’m not saying it’s good to pin men as these evil pedos, but it’s ok to be cautious. I think it’s natural.
before I write I wanna make it clear that I hate having this mindset and that I wanna change but being where I live it's kinda dangerous not to. also I hold these standards to women as well, I get scared when a random woman is next to me while I'm walking alone. I'm just scared of a lot of people tbh. I get that people probably shouldn't just assume every man is gonna assault you but still some people might have reasons for it. the area I live in has a LOT of sexual predators. like its actaully ridiculous, there were even rumors of an illegal child sex ring. I'm a trans male but I still fully present as female(due to being in the closet). the amount of anxiety I get from just taking a simple walk is excruciating. I have to worry about every car, every passerby, every little sound. its terrifying. I obviously know that not every man is gonna harm me(I'm a man myself) but I still have to be careful for my own safety. as much as I'd love to agree with you, in this world we cant afford to not be careful. I just wanna be able to get groceries without worrying. even in public with other adults, seeing kids just alone with some random guy is scary cause of the amount of kids who go missing here. I wish I didnt have to have this kind of mindset but it's an unfortunate consequence of where I live
Babysitting is probably another one. I had teen male babysitters growing up, but as an adult trying to get jobs, babysitting was always something that I could fall back on.
lmao the reading people’s tshirts thing is trivial but so true! I’ve had to train myself to avoid reading people’s shirts now so it doesn’t look like I’m staring at their boobs, and I still do it without realizing sometimes
What I miss the most: Casual affection. This is an extension of the compliments dilemma. Women touch and comfort eachother physically A LOT in a platonic, friendly way. It's not impossible, but very difficult to navigate this as a guy. Most straight cis dudes can't conceive of the concept of being physical close to someone without it being sexual and afab/women presenting ppl know this and by default are skeptical of motives. First year after I started passing in public I went through some major touch starvation. Probably still am, but I'm getting used to it now.
Please look for peers who don't buy the bullshit that male friends shouldn't casually touch their friends www.artofmanliness.com/articles/bosom-buddies-a-photo-history-of-male-affection/ Touch starvation really is super unhealthy.
I dont think if u mean men with other men, or men being unable to share casual affection with other women and peoole in general. personally, Plenty of my male friends are physically affectionate towards me especially if I'm opening up or taking about something that makes me feel vulnerable/uncomfortable, hugs and holding hands/knees etc isnt out of the ordinary in these situations for me. And I do appreciate it. The only thing that shocks me is the fact that anybody would care but that's a whole other story lmao. Of course I think it depends maybe how close you are and where your boundaries are and I feel like the current gen of adolescents are more likely to be a lot less touchy maybe bc of anxiety, hyperawareness? Idk
I feel this one. I was already really bad with social skills to begin with, so navigating platonic touch was already difficult. But at least as a woman it happened sometimes. Obviously it's covid now, but before that, I was already firmly in a male role, so touching other people in general was already starting to feel weird. I don't know what to do or how to fix it.
Oh big time, in my friend groups my guy mates can give each other a hug, but only as a goodbye gesture. It just doesn’t happen and it’s definitely more of bro hug. It’s nice and a chill guy thing but when you really just need a hug it’s a pain in the ass and I’ll basically only get a comforting hug from girls
Yeah, I definitely get the touch starved feeling. And it only gets more so the more hyper masculine you are on the spectrum. Where 2 guys of the same size who kinda know each other might bro hug when they meet up to go for a bar crawl, or like throw an arm over your friends shoulder while telling a story about them, if you come into that situation as someone seen as even MORE masculine (say being a particularly tall man) you get none of that unless you are with close friends. You dont touch anyone, nobody touches you. And being particularly hyper masculine you're also seen as intimidating to both men and women, so EVERYONE stays away
Don’t forget the part where you can’t be afraid of insects or spiders as a man. You can’t expect or ask someone else to relocate the bug(s) for you either. You can’t shriek or react strongly away when you’re startled by a creepy crawly. I know this from experience lol.
In all honesty, I know A LOT of guys (cis and trans) who are terrified of spiders and bugs. I can only think of two people I have dated who weren't. I'm always the resident bug killer. 🤣🤣 I had one friend who would BEG me to drive across town to save him from a spider in his shower just so he could get ready for work.... He's cis.
You can, my oldest brother is. His wife is too. So to get on their good side I just say I killed a spider for them whenever I visit. Nothing wrong with any of that.
The Way In sure you can!! I relocated countless for cismale friends through the years. I'm currently in a household of 7, I'm the only guy, and I'm the only one willing the take care of the creepy crawlers... But snakes? Oh HELL NO. You won't catch me within two blocks, willingly, of a snake.
oh boy howdy I feel you for the last point hard, I'm a pansexual trans guy and while I will fight tooth and nail to call myself pansexual but most of my relationships have been with other men and I feel really awkward talking about how pretty I find some women (and honestly same goes for my drawing, I'll draw trans guys, cis guys, abs, butts ect,,, all day but I feel uncomfortable as hell drawing a girl nude or even in more revealing stuff out of fear of objectifying her.
Yeah. I stopped drawing girls in general about 2 years before I figured out I was trans... My art skills weren't the problem, they were fine, but I became super uncomfortable drawing girls all of a sudden. Like I couldn't bear to draw something that I identified uncomfortably with at the time. Especially since I got a pretty big chest, thighs, and hips and was getting dysphoric from those already..
You verbalized something I've been trying to explain to people. As an MTF person I have seen how people treat me around children change dramatically. And I was trying to explain this to other people and nobody could understand what I was saying.
This is making so many alarms in my head go off! I could FEEL the part where you were talking about having to consciously avoid looking at any girl for longer than I should!
Pangender here. One of many things that stuck in my head: At 6 Flags with a woman friend, and had long hair. Some carnies called out to us "Hey ladies" style, but when I turned and they saw I was masc presenting, they stumbled all over themselves to apologize far more profusely than was necessary. Like, a man can't be positively cat-called and be assumed to be willing to accept it the way a woman can. Ofc, it was very invalidating, as the call pulled out fem mode and the effective running in terror just pointed out that I couldn't be.
I don't know how to say this in a way that is completely non-insulting, but I just found your channel and you are just about the most inoffensive unintimidating person I have ever seen. You look like someone should be giving you a hug, not being afraid of you.
Can you please make a video about casual dating while trans, especially about disclosing a trans identity to a new potential romantic partner? Would love to hear your unpack that!
Can imagine he has some benefits from beeing bi. But from what I heard, transgendered people really struggle with that. It's unlikely to finde a straight woman as ftm, and almost impossible to find a straight man as ftm. I wonder if they're getting prepared for this.
I'm only out online and I can already relate to some of these. When talking to people online I've been realizing slowly how certain things I used to do can sound creepy of people see me as a guy. Nobody ever told me I've sounded creepy but as the overthinking ball of anxiety I am while looking at the things I comment and say, and while finally getting closer to respect myself and my gender I've realized just how much creepy I sounded. It has been making me feel really bad because I already overthinked a lot but now I take more then 10 mins deciding on what I should say or even if I should say anything at all. I definetely understand how creepy guys can be and I feel you when you say how there's this internal conflict of not wanting to make other people feel the way you have felt, and in my case, still feel, and knowing you're not being predatory and feeling overhelmed by how careful you need to be...
the free drinks thing defo something I miss, even though I was almost always super uncomfortable? It's weird. Also, I don't feel comfortable walking behind women anymore, like before HRT it just looked like just a very butch woman happening to walk behind another woman from the outside, but now I don't want to scare anyone so after dark I automatically cross to the other side of the street to not seem like a total creep. Also on a different note, if the cis assume that I'm "one of the boys" a lot of them tend to be so very very ignorant about their own misogyny it's honestly baffling.
Oh man! 5:45ish about telling ladies you like their hair, outfit or scent. I don't get upset with them, and def try to keep things to myself- but I feel you buddy.
Obviously not the point of this video, but I'm so relieved whenever there's another person in this world who is also super bad with remembering/recognizing faces. I once was driving past someone who I was so sure was a friend of mine, so I turned around to pick them up/offer them a ride aaaand when I slowed down next to them and rolled down my window, I realized it was a Complete Stranger. So I peeled off in embarrassment - which probably just freaked this poor person out even more. Arghh the struggle!
I think every cis man needs complimenting and being physically too close to women to be explained to them. Not just be watching a video like this fropm a ftm perspective - but by everyone, over and over until they get it. Jackson, to you personally in regards to feminism- I get what you are saying! Maybe books are a good fallback, as in "I used to also feel this way, and xyz book challenged that perspective" would help? Then you can be attatching the opinion back to the ownership of a woman - while still addressing problematic behaviour. And as a feminist i am not sure how I feel about this being the first responce to clicking on this video, but as a person who identifies as female I still feel like i can say it... but I want to echo another commenters sentiment - your covid cut is incredibly princely! I think you won with what your hair did!
This is so interesting, one of the things I feel I can't do anymore now that I present as a mostly straight passing dude, is coo over people's children (especially baby girls). I find myself holding back from making comments like: "omg those curls" in reference to the babies of the classmates I had in my All Girls High School because it just feels that bit more inappropriate coming from a man. And I can see that conditioning and how backwards it is, but I always fall into making a priority of avoiding making others uncomfortable, over challenging gendered stereotypes
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It bothers the crap out of me that as a guy, being good with kids or wanting/liking to work with kids, is seen as predatory behavior. I’m a gay guy who wants to be a teacher, and has enjoyed working with kids since I was like 10, and started babysitting my little cousins, and now, even in the childcare jobs I work at, I’m sometimes worried about coming across as creepy when I even go so far as say goodbye to a kid in front of their parents. And because I tend to work with elementary school kids, the better I am at my job, and the more these kids start to like me, the more they start to want to hug me or jump on my back and stuff and I end up playing this awkward game of “how do I tell this kid who barely understands the concept of personal space that I can’t hug them cuz I don’t want people to think I’m a pedophile”. Also, even though it doesn’t come up much with me, as I tend to be able to pass for straight, there’s definitely an added layer of anxiety for me internally when I deal with this, as I’m all too aware of the “all gay men are pedophiles” myth and find myself consistently terrified of being used as yet another piece of evidence for the people that believe in that shit if I so much as let a kid hug me goodbye.
Man, this suuucks.
Well said, that man!
I totally feel you on this. Before I was out I worked with preschoolers and felt a lot more comfortable picking up the littles ones and carrying them and now the idea of being overly affectionate with the kids makes me worried I’ll be seen as a predator. When I teach (elementary school aged) kids in the summer I also am very conscious to keep a big distance from especially the young girls because I know it can be perceived as creepy, to just like be speaking to a child as a man
That sucks, I'm sorry. :(
This is sad. My brother has a male friend who worked in a day care that his son attended. A male day care worker can make such a positive effect on both sexes. But especially boys who may not have a father/male figure in their lives.
Huge Canadian trans dude mood: “I wanna tell this story about a fun time at Girl Guide camp but the minute I do I’ll have to explain wtf my ass was doing there in the first place...”
I can relate to this
I was in Girl Scouts and I definitely come across this issue sometimes. I usually just refer to it as “the Scouts” and let people assume it was Cub Scouts or Boy Scouts lol. Idk if there’s a similar gender neutral term you could use though.
Like the person below, I say scouts or depending on the story (like selling Girl Scout cookies) I pretend I was volunteering to help my sister’s troop (technically true)
Same only boyscouts here. You just got to ommit certain parts.
So many times I want to speak about summers in a girls cabin but then I have to get into the whole thing.
i have a problem with this typical "female innocence" thing. im only 17 and i really am shy. when i represented as a girl, people thought it was cute and sweet. now that everyone sees me as a boy, that changed. out of a sudden i have to man up or speak up for myself more often. and if i am shy, people think its weak and awkward.
I feel this in reverse, when I was presenting male I always felt that pressure to speak up and I was forced out of my shy shell by social groups, now that I am presenting female I can be more comfortable in being reserved and soft spoken because it is viewed neutrally rather than in a bad light.
@@steruset3590 rlly? sounds great, im happy for you that it got better :)
Brooo sameeee
As a woman I feel like men don't take what I say seriously whether I am outspoken or not. If I say too little I'm submissive and weak, if I say too much I'm crazy and emotional for some reason, and of course I'm always illogical or confused and innately self-centered because I am a woman.
naryainc Holy crap... This is the most accurate description of talking “out of line” as a woman. When in reality it’s not actually out of line, people just don’t want to admit to their own faults and actions. I get called illogical all time because I can be emotional? I’m human. I sympathize/empathize with everyone as much as I can. It’s better to understand someone and be calm instead of being crazy and hotheaded. It’s funny because, atleast in my experience, it’s usually men that start fights with each other and yell vulgar things. Yes, women can be vindictive but men can be just as bad. Unless someone is actually giving off vibes that they’re predatory (and yes, they do give off those vibes).. there is no reason to be ashamed of complimenting the other gender. There is no reason to hide when you find someone attractive. And you shouldn’t have to be scared to be around kids.. Kids are our future. There is no one better to teach them then someone that had to fight tooth and nail to be who they are. Btw Brie Larson does have a nice butt so does Chris.
"The sexism I don´t face anymore and the sexism it go replaced by"
Underrated comment! Calling a spade a spade
lmao true
About the looking at children and not wanting to seem creepy: one day my husband told me while we were at the park watching the children play (with our daughter) that he enjoys being at the park with me more than just him and our daughter because he dosent get the weird looks when are together. Things I had not thought about before because they've not happened to me. No one suspects a woman of being creepy watching children play.. I feel bad for the single dads and gay couples in this situation, not only women take care of children.
I realized how different this gets read at 22ish at my first job working with children as a behavior therapist. I had a busy day and was trying to organize a meeting place in the community with one of my male supervisors. I asked about a park that was next to his location and half way between two places I needed to be. He told me he would prefer not to meet at a park right after school gets out because as a man it is weird for him to sit in his car or on a bench at a park at that time. I had never even contemplated that. I took breaks between appointments to enjoy my lunch or read a book at parks all the time and really didn't consider whether I had a child with me or not, or whether the park was heavily populated by kiddos right out of school or not.
It is really sad considering how predators can be any gender/expressions as he said.
My dad was a single father and had to deal with crap like that all the time. It got really bad when one person at our church started spreading rumors about him. We didn't go there for very long.
i hate that predators have ruined normal guys' ability to openly adore children that aren't their own
like i really feel for dudes who just wish they could make funny faces at a kid to make them laugh or even just smile and wave at them
but because of predators pretending to be this kind of person it's almost impossible to know who is genuinely a friendly dude or who has awful ulterior motives especially when it comes to men :(
My husband is “lead parent”, and he gets all kinds of side eye when he takes our son to the park, science museum, or other kid focused places
The only thing society is more disgusted by than seeing a dad not take care of their kid is seeing a dad that does take care of their kid.
Emotions. Emotions are a nightmare now. I kind of got in the habit of that when I was seen as female, if I cried, or looked lost, or just looked like I was struggling in general, someone would come along and offer to help. I once was crying in a park and had a couple come up to me, and they ended up giving me 20 bucks and a prayer session because they were concerned. If I'm actually being read as male and I cry in public... Yeah, everyone will avoid me like the plague. They want nothing to do with my emotions. If I used to struggle with groceries, I was used to someone coming along and offering a ride or offering to help or what have you. Now... nothing. Basically, I got used to if I was ever struggling as a woman, there would always be help and support, somewhere, somehow. As a man... even if I take initiative and ask for help... It's expected that I should be able to handle it myself.
Wow, that's interesting thanks for sharing that! I definitely recall a fuzzy boundary between ages in boyhood where you're supposed to not be crying anymore. Like, if I was just in public bawling, I'd definitely try to hide. The only thing society sees in a crying man is emotional instability, and the only emotion men are supposed to express is violence... So, I guess a man crying is interpreted as just a moment away from a threat.
Not to be melodramatic, but it is a sad realization as a boy that all the magical things about being a whole, rounded, expressive, open human being are expected to be paved over and calcified. ☹️✌️🙃
Do you live in a very friendly place? I live in New England and am now wondering if I give off "don't come near be vibes" or if people are more prone to ignore each other where I live. The times I have been visibly upset in public I was definitely not offered any concern or help, but I was always embarrassed too, and assumed it was just the stand-offish culture that kept people away.
@@inkythinky = Yes!... I lived in New England for only 2 years and moved back towards the south (despite the whole reason I moved away being related = superficial hospitality masking underlying judgement/prejudice)... But up that far north, it seems it is not just the weather that is cold!!! 😆 People are very blunt, stand-offish, and sometimes just plain rude (from DC upward, until you reach Maine, where they mellow back out).
Guess being a woman is cooler sorry :(
@@BlairMountainNetwork lol you have a fair point! The one time I visited "the south," I noticed my normally pretty severe social anxiety at almost nil. But you might have the wrong idea about Maine. Mellow? Yes. Welcoming to outsiders? Not so much. 😅
Men not being able to talk to babies also makes my dad super sad!!! He's just wholesome and he loves babies! But also he's a brown man so he can't really look at ANYONE to be honest
Dang
This right here sucks so much! I hope that society always keeps changing and improving (we can take part in that!) so that people like your dad don't need to stop being themselves just for how it is viewed
it makes me so happy when men of color interact with my son! I hate that he feels like that :(
I always smile and wave at kids I have had no issue I don’t push it to much like I will be reading on a train glance up at the kid making faces at me and smile an wave I am shot look young and use a cane though so I think the fact I’m usually in a handicapped space helps though
That’s so sad! :(
I was always a tomboy and people constantly insinuated that I might be trans or a lesbian, making me start to question myself. While my father was always accepting, my mother wasn't and tried to force me to be more feminine. It caused my to have serious self confidence issues. Eventually I joined JROTC and then the Army where I was accepted and even admired for my more masculine mannerisms and interest. Eventually that also helped me start to accept my more feminine side. Now I'm comfortable being a gender nonconformist. Societal expectations based on gender are very limiting and damaging. I'm still the same person in makeup and a dress as I am in in cargo pants and combat boots. I can cry watching romantic movies and enjoy watching horror movies. I can shoot weapons and crochet. Why impose arbitrary limits on a person's potential based on something that's none of anyones business anyway???
I love this comment
I was sorta similar. I was what some would call a tomboy, and I never spoke about crushes or shit like that, and my mum would always say “it’s ok if you like girls” and shit like that, and insinuate I was a lesbian. A few years later (last year) I came out as a trans guy, pan romantic, and asexual. I thought my family would be fairly supportive, that was not the case. My mum keeps saying it’s a phase, and I’ll grow out of it, my dad pretends I never came out, and my brother wasn’t really filled in on any of the details. So I’m constantly being called a girl, and I know my mum sees that it makes me uncomfortable, yet she doesn’t stop. She also sent me to therapy that she’s paying $220 for, but she speaks to the therapist, giving her false information about me, and the therapist just uses the 50 minutes left of the 1 hour session to talk about shit that I already know. But I’m trying to get a job, as I’ve only just turned the legal age, and sure, it may be minimum wage, but saving money now, gets me closer to top surgery and moving out of this house after I finish school.
I had to say I am the same way here as a gay man I can go both ways I don't think anyone really cared and that's how I am towards others because I don't care what someone's hobbies are just as long as your a decent person
Like I can also shoot weapons and know how to clean a gun and gut a fish but I also like to and enjoy crocheting as well
"I was always a tomboy and people constantly insinuated that I might be trans or a lesbian"
Sadly a lot of girls go through transitioning because they're convinced, wrongly, that they're trans. They're just boyish. Nothing wrong with being a bit boyish. Doesn't make you non-binary or trans. Just a bit boyish. I even think it can be kinda cute.
The whole "gender non-comformity" thing is another can of worms people tend to get into when they're "trying to figure out" who they are. Eventually people tend to come to realise that it's a fucking pointless conversation to have.
My rule of thumb for complimenting no matter which gender I pass as is something that the person can control. For example, I like your hairstyle, not your waist is so small or your nose is so perfect. It of course changes as I get to know the person, so if I find out that my friend wants to cut her hair but cant I will compliment something else that represents her better.
Yes! This is a very good rule. In the times when I do compliment people, I try very hard to stick to this.
@@jackisnotabird Yep! By the way, I just got your book on audible and it was so good!! I related to it a lot even though I'm nonbinary. It gave me the courage to come out to my best friends and it feels so good to be referred to by Ollie :)
Thats some sound advice. I usually avoid complimeting things that you dont have control over because as a closeted trans guy people complimenting my feminine attributes always made me uncomfortable
This is reassuring. I really love it when people have crazy, cool, dyed hair, and that's probably the compliment I give out most (alongside compliments on people's outfits) Sometimes I get a little anxious about coming off as creepy or sleezy, but I feel like what I'm complimenting plus my general attitude and phrasing when I give the compliment makes it less weird.
Would it be wrong to compliment someone's eyes then?
This is interesting to me as a cishet male who was raised in an almost entirely female household. I learned how to be social and how to interact with girls way easier than with boys and because of that a lot of my teenage life was literally just me trying to avoid being myself to avoid being called gay or judged for it.
It was only really this year that I’ve started really being myself around everyone I know, it’s been a very interesting shift in mood. My friends literally call me the least straight straight person they know and I actually enjoy that. Gender norms and hyper masculinity are really not my thing and it’s good that people don’t expect that of me anymore.
That's beautiful. Please keep being the "least straight straight person" 😅
Toxic masculinity is not a good look. 🤢
Heck yeah, be yourself
It's quite sad that people think personality traits and sexuality are the same thing.
"gender norms" gets mentioned enough for me to think that it has to actually be a thing... over in the States or some shit. Because I still don't get what it's supposed to be.
@@angel1812 well I agree with you that is a very awesome thing that this person is comfortable with cool with but you know I think being masculine is fine with toxic masculinity no There’s no need for that
In a similar vein to the burping, there are a lot of “gross” or hyper masculine tendencies I used to accentuate growing up as a girl so that people would understand I was “one of the guys”. One that I carried into adulthood was putting effort into deepening my voice or sounding aggressive when I wanted to be taken seriously or while being feisty with friends. It used to get a response out of people that I wanted, or it was “cute” when I was being aggressive because I was non threatening. I quickly learned how toxic this behavior is as soon as my voice dropped. My boyfriend always thinks I’m genuinely upset at him when I’m simply trying to sound serious, or friends think I am mad when I am just being playful. My cis guy friends have been teaching me the importance of softening your voice, and it has been a huge hurdle for me to re-learn these communication skills.
I have a similar issue. I have what I call my Dad Voice. Deep and it booms a little more than I'd like. But the kids understand it's only used when they're in trouble.... I don't have anyone to really teach me how to soften my voice... It's nice to know I'm not alone.
As a non neuroptypical cis man I get that a lot. I mention non neurotypical because I tend to talk excitedly just normally, but I have a deep voice and a barrel chest so I have to put almost no wind behind my voice to make it very loud. I've spent my late teenage and early adult years learning how to talk "normally" and having to constantly police my own tone of voice because I can easily scare others by "yelling" when I'm just not trying to make myself quiet.
Its good to see alot of your misinterpretations and misconceptions of masculinity be overcome. Its an important piece to the puzzle.
The voice thing tho! I’m a cis white male, and I struggle with that line sometimes. I have a sort of natural intensity that I have to monitor. If I’m too tired and let it slip or I’m too focused on a problem at work instead of constantly listening to myself speak, people think I’m unreasonably angry. If I’m having a super anxious day and end up nerfing to far the other way, I come across as condescending. Which triggers my anxiety when I realize, then I compensate with facial expressions to try and convey more correctly my emotions so I end up sending out baffling indecipherable signals that people just take as creepy and or threatening. First time watcher by the way. Great video, very thoughtful and insightful. Seriously, the male space is only improved by your presence.
Cis woman here. The trick to not sounding pissed (or, rather, controlling the pissed off level) is to flatten your voice, too. It takes the shrill/dental drill aspect out.
Plus getting older. In my teens and 20s, I could raise my voice, and it was “ohhh, so cuuute...look at the “girl.” Now in my 50s, I have to curb the “Karen note”, so flattening the pitch along with a slight deepening helps. It’s a note of gravity. Slow, measured words help, too. Sound in control.
As a man I truly hate the fact that almost all of my behavior can be seen as a threat to somebody. I'm just trying to enjoy my life but I have to be conscience of the impression I leave on other people even if I'm doing nothing threatening and just trying to be friendly
Apropos being more comfortable objectifying a man: Your hair makes you look like a prince or a poet, either way it's so good!
Oh he totally looks like a snazzy poet
He has gorgeous hair. I love it. 💕
Omg so I'm not the only one who thinks that haha :D
Yes this thank you. I love this hair style on him
Agree! Keep the quarantine hair, don’t shave it off!
He transitioned at 25 and here I am since I was 16 worried about having a late, unsuccessful transition-
Some people don't transition till their 70s! Theres no such thing as too old or too late for being happy and being yourself :)
I was in my thirties, and that was decades ago. Success has nothing to do with age.
This hairstyle really suits you actually. I mean, do what's comfy for you. I know from experience that longer hair needs more maintenance and can be more frustrating to deal with, but you rock it well.
Mhmmm. Definitely do what makes you feel great with your hair, but completely and utterly unrelated to what is good for any individual, my personal aesthetic preference has *al-ways* been that I find longer hair on men incredibly attractive.
lUvsUngU *cough* Matthew Mercer *cough*
TheAnythingGuy//TAG hell yeah
As a bi girl I'm afraid of creeping out women already so I can't imagine if I were to present as a guy,,, this video is so so interesting!!! Thank you so much ❤❤
While I'm not trans, I'm a cis woman, I am bisexual. I've known that since I was little. I've always found both women and men equally attractive. However, I understand the fear of "outing" yourself. As a woman, I think I have it easier socially than a man. It's not... I don't know, as hard because of how society answers to women being into women. I stopped caring and if someone talked about a cute girl celebrity, or whatever, I'd just chime in with my honest answer. However, it's seen as "hot" for a woman to be into other women and not so much for men who are into men. I hate that so much. I also hate the whole "well, you're bi, so you just will have sex with anyone" or that I'm "betraying" my bisexuality by being married to a man... being bi is a lot rougher in both the "regular" world and the LGBTQ+ world. I always feel like we're the black sheep. I'm not suddenly not attracted to women because I'm with a man, *AND* I'm also not like "looking" for a woman to have sex with. The stereotypes of bisexual people is just disappointing for any gender.
TL;DR : I feel your pain and can empathize with your bisexual issues, especially.
Ive noticed most people see a bi woman as hot or a whore, and a bi man as disgusting or pedophile, (not everyone obviously) and i was never really sure why people got "i sleep around" from "I'm open to a relationship with either gender"
@@courtnrysalamone7677 Yep, exactly. It's frustrating, just because I'm bisexual doesn't mean I'm promiscuous. And regardless, who cares? As long as you're doing it safely, with consent, and not to the detriment of yourself or others... what business is it of anyone's who you sleep with?
@@azyraphae exactly my point haha
@@courtnrysalamone7677 Yes! It's not like being by makes you polyamorous by default, just like being straight doesn't have to mean you're monogamous
@@ApequH well put.
I'm female and my friend is a trans male. I wasn't aware of this for the first year and a half we knew each other. He would always try to touch me, or hang off of me, going in for hugs or to hold my hand and it made me super uncomfortable. It didn't feel predatory (he's a lot younger than me) but it definitely was more touching than I'm comfortable with from a guy and I wasn't sure why he was doing it if it wasn't to be intentionally creepy. When I learned he was trans it didn't make me more comfortable with touching, but it added that insight that this was a learned behavior from before transition. Society is generally okay with girls touching each other openly, but definitely not with men touching women, or even touching other men. I am uncomfortable with being touched in general, but after realizing that I thought if my friend was a girl I would have been more receptive to being touched causally.
As a gay guy, I'm used to having the "privilege" of being able to interact with women in a loving way without usually coming across as creepy. It's strange though, and was even more strange when I was an awkward teenager. I have to telegraph my homosexuality or outright come out in order to be as friendly with some women as I want to be. Perhaps that sounds crazy, but I've noticed a marked difference before and after coming out with some women. It reveals how deep the assumption of "Every guy wants to get with a woman" mentality runs to me, that I have to say in a coded way, "Hey, I CAN'T be attracted to you! I could never hurt you like that!" to really be opened up to. (Not pinning the blame on women for this of course, but society.) I've even had one scenario as a teenager where I fell while doing something and grazed the boob of a friend-of-a-friend. That friend legitimately encouraged me to come out to her right then because of how uncomfortable it made her with the assumption I was straight. Nothing changed about the incident, but after coming out she went from beside herself to laughing about it. That's the only time I was ever forced (or pressured) to come out and I'm still not 100% sure what to make of it years later, lol.
I also understand the issue with seeming predatory as a guy, especially being gay. I work with 4-6 year-olds every summer and I'm always at least partially aware of how I act to avoid accidentally giving off "red flags," which is a shame. I know most guys in my place of work have a similar issue. Interestingly, I kind of default to coming off as extra gay around parents, despite the "gay people are pedophiles" stereotype. While I usually don't think much of it, I suppose subconsciously I try to turn my nurturing up to 11 so I can read more like my female coworkers and avoid reading "too masculine" for the job. (And I guess maybe it's worked - I get the same compliments from parents and kids that my female coworkers get, and more frequently than my male coworkers.)
So tl;dr: I've always found it really weird that my gayness can make me seem like less of an assumed danger to people, and sometimes it forces me to telegraph my queerness when it doesn't feel personally right to do so.
wow that’s really interesting thanks for sharing your experiences !
Yes of course, that's obvious, right? I m a woman, and I m much more loving and affectionate with my male gay friends, because it won't seem like I fancy them. Whereas with my straight male friends and lesbian friends I ll be less affectionate, in order to avoid any potential confusion. I m very aware of this, and have long since figured out that that's the reason I want to know people's sexuality, because it informs thr level of affection I display.
@@Wandering.Homebody I was thinking that in the story that the friend of a friend just didn't want to think of them as trying to take advantage of the situation and catch a feel vs accidentally being to close an accidentally grazing them. I also wouldn't be surprised if it happened to them previously
Your interactions with friends still depend on if they’re comfortable and have consented to certain types of touch. Many women have been inappropriately touched and groped by gay men who think they’re allowed to touch them because they’re not sexually attracted to them. There’s still boundaries. There’s still respect to women’s bodies. Gay men can still participate in misogyny.
Not saying you did this; just trying to make some people aware of that.
I think im more comfortably with gay men because I’ve noticed that I can act just as freely (and be myself) as I do around my female friends. I like to flirt joke a lot with my friends, and im generally affectionate with others. Many guys take that as i want them(which i can kinda understand), but has also at times started to stalk me, even if I explain im not interested, or tries to manipulate me into a relationship...which sucks. If i 100% know they’re not interested, it lets me be me without risking putting myself in danger
Oh my god, saying Kristen Stewart is such a “Hello, fellow straights!” answer 😂
Your experience about outing yourself as attracted to men during that photo shoot is relatable. I’m trans masculine and married to a man, so it’s been interesting moving through the world being perceived as a straight couple vs now, being viewed as a cis gay couple. Definitely a transition on multiple levels for me and my partner!
whats it like?
@@valenz1234 Hmm you mean the experience overall? I think it added a layer to my transition because not only was I transitioning to being perceived as a man, I was also automatically transitioned to being perceived as a gay man. So it was almost two different experiences, changing how people perceive me as a straight woman to a gay man lol. Thankfully my partner has been great through it all and we live somewhere that is pretty LGBT friendly. I hope that answered your question!
@@aliselman3834 being gay is not for straight people like you to dress up in. You're not a man, just a m u t i l a t e d woman.
As an MTF transgirl, I developed a lot of these behaviors as a boy for the same kinda reasons you did. I literally can’t wait to transition
I don't have much of value to contribute but to feed the algorithm, I'll just say I'm into the "medieval French knight" beard and hair.
Man, I'm glad you mentioned the kids thing. I just love the little buggers, and people used to be really positive about it, until I turned about 20. Now I get weird looks even when I'm just hanging out with my little cousins.
I came out as FtM to a coworker and her only question was "But you have a boyfriend?" xD
I told my mother I’m starting T and she thought that if my boyfriend broke up with me I would only date girls. I definitely like guys still mom lol.
Numerous people assumed the same thing when I told them I was transitioning ftm recently. They were surprised that even though I have only ever been into guys, I would still be into guys. My mother seemed to think the only reason to transition was to date women. Like you couldn't just be lesbian or bi and leave your gender as it is.
I'm male to female and the things you brought up are actually good points. With kids and babies, I was conditioned that I should steer clear of babies and children so that I don't come across as pedophilic. After transition, and especially once I was no longer recognizable as male, people are constantly asking me to hold babies or will start talking about their kids. I have a learned behavior to not engage in conversations relating to kids and definitely no holding babies so it's always awkward and I'll just respond with, "I don't do well with kids" even though my nieces and nephews (5-7) love me. As a man, I never gave compliments. It either came off as creepy, sexually motivated, or awkward, sometimes all three. Now though, I receive lots of compliments, but I still can't give compliments back because I don't know what appropriate compliments are and I still have that mental note that it'll still probably come off the wrong way because I'm openly bisexual. One of the starkest contrasts though is how I can give my opinion grounded in facts and experience and people don't take it as serious as they used to. And in the work place, when I was a man I'd be offered promotions within six months of being at a new job and now even when I give twice the effort as I used to, I'm not even on the radar, let alone offered anything. One thing I do appreciate now though compared to before is that I can have more valid feelings past 'fine' and 'angry'. It was an awkward feeling when I found out that I can actually say exactly how I feel and no one questions it. I could never do that as a man. If I said I was sad, I'd be told to 'man up'. If I said I was lonely, I'd be called a loser. If I was being energetic and chipper people would automatically assume I got laid or that something was wrong because I wasn't being moody. It's certainly interesting learning the new dichotomy of the whole gender differences. I've been me now for 8 years and I'm still learning things I can do that I couldn't before and learning things that aren't okay any more that I could do before.
I'm transitioning the other way around and I have experienced everything you talked about in reverse. I sometimes might want to complement a woman about her clothes in a platonic way but I am attracted to women and I was socialized as a man and I don't want it to come across as me hitting on them. Before I came out as trans everyone at the grocery store where I work my supervisors told me I needed to be more proactive. Now nobody tells me that. When I'm filling in for someone in the very male dominant meat department one of my coworkers there is extremely condescending towards me.
That sucks that your coworker is condescending to you. That is the absolute most annoying thing imo about living as a woman, how (stupid!) men think they know better than you. As for the being more proactive at work comment, I actually had never thought about this before but I (ftm) recently started a customer service job and they are super on my case about being the best possible cashier I can be, and I thought it was weird because I’ve only seen them say that to me and one other guy, even though there are lots of young people (and young women working there). Your comment now has me wondering if being male is the reason theyre so focused on me?
To be honest, a lot of females will take a compliment from a female way better than one from a male. Now that you transitioned, you don't seem as intimidating and you don't seem like you're only complimenting us to get in our pants... that's my opinion. I've totally misread so many females trying to flirt with me as just them being nice. Heck, I've even playfully flirted with girls and such because as a female, that's just what we do. Just try not to overthink it. It may have come off as creepy before your transition, but now it's just a compliment for anyone who isn't reading too much into it. I guess it also comes off as weird and awkward if you feel awkward doing it, so compliment with confidence.
@@AliciaBrownSugar you've "playfully flirted with girls"? Are you attracted to girls? If not, I'm confused. I get complimenting and like, gushing over another girl's clothes, hair, style, body (but not in a sexual way), etc. But straight up flirting? That seems like a lesbian thing to do to me. (I should know since I am lesbian 😅)
Maybe we have different definitions of flirting, to me flirting entails sexual or romantic intentions.
@@angel1812 my best friends and I used to jokingly use flirty language
"Ooh, look at you! Sexy!!!" "Hot stuff!" type of stuff, not "I want to throw you on the bed and screw you all night" type of flirting. Friendly girly flirting, not actual sexual intent flirting.
Even family members would say stuff like that. You're not going to say my sister and aunts were sexually attracted to me, now are you?
Just because we can have fun using flirty language, especially in front of guys, doesn't make us prefer that gender. It was just fun and funny.
Sorry I didn't specify, not random girls, just people in my close friend circle.
@@AliciaBrownSugar ok, haha that makes more sense. For some reason my brain just went straight to assuming you meant random girls. And my definition of flirting is basically like hitting on them, trying to get with them, so that's what I assumed. 😅
I’m nonbinary and when I am perceived as male I find that I’m taken a lot more seriously, especially when I’m in a group of male friends they feel more comfortable talking to me if they think I’m a guy which I guess is kinda obvious but even when it’s not a group of male friends people just sorta take me more seriously that when I present more feminine.
I can understand all of these. My husband and I were a straight presenting couple, and now we're a same sex presenting couple, and we've definitely noticed the different treatment.
I'm glad youre making this. Its not just women who face discrimination, its men too. Its just all kinds of inequality...
I consider myself to be a feminist, but Im not the type who thinks its only girls who struggle or that girls are above men or any of that other bs. I just want men, women, and all other genders to be equal, without any societal expectations or "rules."
Dude you kinda suit the shaggier hair.
Things i've realised you can't do so easily if you're perceived as male: Smiling at babies. Talking to children. Talking to random women in stores without it being seen as unwanted advances. Complimenting women without it coming across as creepy. Hugging. Being overly tactile. Taking photos of dolls in public (seriously you can get away with this as a grown woman but a grown man playing with dolls is apparently even wierder and unacceptably so. Bah). I find it hard to shut up about "women issues" too because I have a personal experience with those things. I've given birth, i've endured decades of doctors dismissing my pain from hormonal problems, i've experienced a lot of the crap that you have to just deal with when you have a uterus and it kinda sucks to not be able to talk about it.
We actually had a male teacher/nursery worker at my eldest kid's nursery. I remember they had to send out letters when they employed him because some people weren't okay with it but seeing him with the kids he was SUCH a great influence to have, showing young boys that men could be soft, gentle and nurturing which was an important thing to learn. The boys in particular LOVED having a guy there, I suppose it made them feel like... represented or something.
the primary school also has a few male teachers including the head of the SEN unit who works with the autistic kids.
It's good for kids to see men in that sort of setting, as well as being a good role model for boys it also teaches the kids what NORMAL interactions with men should be like.
It's funny you mention being treated like a teenager and having people yelling at you. I got that even presenting female. ALL THE TIME. I've had grown men loom over me and scream at me for "being too loud" (with no sense of irony), i've had old ladies yell at me to get off their lawn because I was too close to their driveway or something. I've had people march over to me sitting in the priority seats on buses (I have several disabilities and every right to sit there) and be scolded and intimidated for DARING to sit there. Whenever i'm out with my teen son people assume we're both teenagers rather than a parent and a kid and treat us accordingly. With suspicion. It's annoying but it also highlights how poorly adults actually treat teenagers. Like, why do they assume teens are bad? Maybe if you didn't treat them like shit they wouldn't have an attitude against authority figures -_-
But yeah, i've been being treated like a kid for a long time and it's really irritating. I'm in my 30s, people still assume i'm 15 and that wouldn't be so bad if people didn't treat teenagers so poorly and with such suspicion and assumptions.
I had a woman in a store get REAL mad at me when I had to show her my ID. She seemed to take it personally insulting that I was twice the age she thought I was and got super snakey with me. I was all "sorry?" like it was somehow my fault I was older than I looked. It was bizarre.
I haven't been shouted at recently though. I feel like honestly, people were more willing to try to intimidate someone they percieved to be a teen GIRL than a teen BOY.
Re: burping: the way burping (loudly) in public is received definitely has a lot to do with the culture you're doing it in as well. I live near the US-Canada border so occasionally (before COVID) I would go see concerts across the border. After one such concert my friends and I went to a bar in Canada and had some beers and of course the burps came fast and hard for me. I'm used to just letting them rip, so I did, and holy crap did the Canadian men around me throw shade - I'm talking condescending glares, scoffs, and comments like "ugh, Americans."
A few days later I was in a bar in the US and had some heavy beer burps, and American men either ignored it or said "nice one." Burping in 2 different places 100 miles apart can yield very different reactions based on the culture you're burping in!
Really relate to the problem of people especially security assuming I am a teenage boy and up to no good. Just the other day, I was looking for my regular skin care product (puberty spots from T) and security came over and stood there watching me. Literally was just looking for the one product that seems to work with my skin but struggling to find it as they had moved everything around.
Ugh hate that. Next time ask the security person if they know where it went haha
Omg I know exactly what you mean, once me and my friend (both boys in our late teens at the time) were in a Superdrug just looking for the best combination of moisteriser, face scrub, blackhead remover and face masks (the healing kind, this was pre-covid) and it was taking us a VERY long time as there were a lot of options and we were very indicisive. It genuinely took us over 40 minutes of walking around and discussing the different properties, possible combinations, whether they would be good on sensitve skin and the prices etc before we finally came to a decision. The WHOLE TIME the shop's one security guard (who had been guarding the entrance when we came in) was staring right at us, completely ignoring other shoppers and following us close behind wherever we went. It was like he thought that if he took his eyes off us for just a split second we would pocket something.
It made us feel horrible, particularly as we're both people who never steal, and the fact that he obviously distrusted us so much just from his assumptions that he would follow us for over 40 MINUTES while we non-stopped talked about the products in a way that made it obvious we were planning on buying them really made me question how society viewed me. I always knew that people distrusted teenagers, especially male teens, but before then whenever people would first be worried upon seeing me, it wouldn't take them long in my vicinity for them to realise that I'm a total softie who would be too anxious to ever commit a crime, let alone actually want to bc I empathise far too much with people to risk doing something that could cause a problem for someone else (same with my friend).
Anyway long story short, neither of us are ever shopping there again, and creepily following while staring down paying customers for 40 mins is not a great marketing strategy. Plus if 2 people are spending that long talking about the products they are probably going to buy them. Surprise! Some teen boys want to buy face care products! It's almost like teen boys are capable of getting spots! Who knew????
Arguably, teenage boys are the ones most in need of face skin care. My poor acne bois
Not gonna lie I'm way too petty for dealing with this as calm and collected as you all did. I'd probably have tried chatting the security up, asking them 'So you looking for face products too?'' or some other dumb shit or just to be extra petty I would've stayed for hours just to waste the security guards time
This was amazing to watch, thank you. I'm nonbinary, but I've lived almost all of my life as a cis straight man for various reasons. I definitely have an enormous amount of privilege because of that, but it also comes with a LOT of unspoken rules and a constant threat posed by other men. It's a lot like having the privileges and limitations of being a manager, but without the responsibilities.
Being nonbinary makes it extra difficult to interact with people because I'm not always aware that I look like I should be raiding the English coastline with the rest of the Northmen. Because that image runs so counter to my identity, simply being around new people requires me to make myself actively aware of my appearance in order to judge if what I'm saying will be acceptable, no matter my intent.
Ok but real talk, Kristen Stewart is really, really attractive.
Yeah, she is.
oui
no she's not
Eh...kinda
She definitely is
I really appreciate you as a fresh perspective, Jackson. I started watching you when I was still relatively conservative and unsure how to approach LGBTQ issues, and over the years I went from enjoying watching you make waffle abominations to really respecting your patience and kindness in taking your audience along for the ride of your transition. I can confidently say that I have become wildly more liberal and am a proud ally while still holding on to faith as well, but I still always welcome and appreciate the extra perspective you're able to give me, as a pretty sheltered straight white guy. No matter what negativity or hate may be thrown at you in the future, know that you have definitely made an impact on me, and I'm sure you've been a literal lifesaver to many as well. Lots of love and support to you all of the days to come ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
When I started a new job all of the girls barely talked to me, and if they did, they seemed a bit weary of me. It took a couple of months for some girls to even reply to my in passing "hi". I felt awful because I understood that weariness better than they thought, but at the same time I had no way of saying "Im not a creep! I promise! I understand!".
For a lot of us the worst case scenario is coming off as perverts (and that is true for most men, cis or not), not just because that in itself is bad, but because we've most likely been the other person at some point; and there's nothing we can do about it other than coming out on the spot.
As a genderfluid bisexual who is very interested with looking more masculine, this fascinates me.
One of the most apparent differences in my life has been the treatment of mental health. I remember throughout all of my early life in school I would watch girls break down crying or just have a rough time and they would almost always receive immediate help and a walk to a counselor, nurse, etc. I personally am terrified to ask for help in most situations because the response for most of my life has been to "man up" instead of that same assistance. I've seen the same people who jumped to help a little girl, leave boys of the same age to cry in a corner.
"I don't get free drinks anymore."
Dude totally made me spit out my coffee.
Back when I was read as a woman I could compliment women and girls without coming across as creepy. I miss being able to say 'I love your hair!' or whatever without any ulterior motive to be assumed. I just try and sound as 'gay' as possible about it so they know I'm nonthreatening. But I'm still MUCH more aware of this now I'm read as male and feel less open with my compliments which I don't like.
As a AMAB, I learned not to compliment anyone. Women will think I'm being a perv (which I understand why, they have every right to be cautious, even if I'm not into women at all). And if I compliment a man, he just thinks I'm a gay creep trying to hit on him, especially since I am not masculine at all. So, no compliments from me.
Makes me not want to go through this 😬 I got enough sht in my life to add more on top of that
I’m almost exclusively perceived as female even though I am a male-leaning non-binary person.
I am quite aware of the fact that a lot of stuff I say and do would put me in the creep category if I were to exclusively perceived as male.
I’m way too deep into the dad jokes (for which I will blame the fact that my native tongue leans towards punny humour).
I’ve got a massive penchant for dick jokes.
The way I deal with all people may come across as flirting to some degree. If I was perceived as male, I would most likely be in the creep zone.
What is a male leaning non binary woman? A woman who has male feelings ?
@@dougmasters4620 I’m not a woman. I’m a male-leaning non-binary person. So if you would look at gender as a spectrum and put a “true” non-binary in the middle between male and female, someone in the middle area towards the male side is a non-binary person with male leanings.
Since I am non-binary, I will not be perceived as male (or female), so a lot of the stuff I say is not quite as creepy as it could be.
"I am VERY bisexual."
Thank you for reminding us of your bisexualness Jackson. Great to see a new video of yours on the internet.
As a Swede I find it so odd that men are seen as predators around children in the US (and other parts of the world for that matter). In the US I think the base problem is that fathers aren't seen as caretakers in their family, they're seen solely as moneymakers, they're seen as this person who only provides for their family financially. In Sweden any parent is seen as a caretaker, and that term includes providing financial stability for the family (I mean, poverty is a thing, but I mean in the general Swedish population), no matter the parent's gender.
I'm a bi Trans guy and me and my friends were always super huggy with eachother but now I find I don't feel as able to hug/give physical comfort to certainly my friends who are straight girls.
Society largely seems to believe that a male and female can’t be friends and if they do perfectly innocent things like hug or hold hands or even sit “too close” to each other it must mean you are or are trying to pursue something. A girl can hug a guy and vice versa purely because they are friends
@@theedenadventures gosh i wish i can just hug my guy friends platonically, bcs sometimes i just want to hug them when they feel sad :(
This is amazing! And an incredibly important perspective that the world needs to see. So few people get to experience and fewer people are open to sharing. So everyone that has open up in the comments and this video. So much appreciation for this!
not gonna lie, this video made me kinda anxious. i’m almost 22 and i’m about to start T and i have a lot of concerns about how to present as a man because it’s taken me my whole life as an autistic afab person just figuring out how to relate to people around me on a functional, not excruciatingly awkward way. and i definitely lean into a female innocence and feminine mannerisms a lot. but at the same time behaving like that feels fake && causes a lot of dysphoria for me and i can’t wait for it to end. but great video!! it definitely gave me a lot to think about
I get that. I too spent a lot of time figuring out how to relate to people and function as not-awkward and a lot of that meant taking on mannerisms, vocal inflections, and even interests that I observed in girls/women. Definitely still have trouble shaking some that give me dysphoria on occasion, but others I have found I don't care about because I can be a man on my own terms. I hear you on the intimidation and won't deny that it'll be tough and frustrating sometimes, but I believe in you and believe you'll grow in confidence over time. I think I'm way more confident and less awkward as a guy than I ever was when I presented as a girl.
hey i understand you. i get that female innocence thing. i feel the same i think. im only 17 and i really am shy. when i represented as a girl, people thought it was cute and sweet. now that everyone sees me as a boy, that changed. out of a sudden i have to man up or speak up for myself more often. and if i am shy, people think its weak and awkward.
Jackson Bird 😭😭 you replied wow thank you for the vote of confidence !! i really appreciate it and i love your videos
Don’t do it , this isn’t a cure all.
@@porkchoppeaches so close! You're right, it isn't a cure, because there's nothing wrong with op or his identity.
You hit the nail on the head with a lot of these. A lot of times in public I feel like I'm a monster. I'm straight and
And as an art teacher, I do feel weird around kids especially after my boss told me that they NEVER have classes with only male teachers (they allow two females but not two males, we work in teams of two) because she thinks that "the children won't be safe." And everyone else on the staff agreed with her. I'm kinda nervous that we are going to train kids to be fearful of men at some point.
And as far as trying to not walk too close to a woman goes, it kinda sucks that it is assumed that I am unable to control my sexual desires and that I want to be creepy towards just any woman that walks next to me. I study fashion so when I see a piece that looks nice I try to remember it for future projects. I'm not trying to hit on anyone - and I think it's pretentious that people assume I would. (I am aware of the catcalling that goes on and I find that to be gross)
Your highschool teen boy comments were also super accurate! And I really agree with your point on feeling like you can't contribute when participating in feminist related events. I was always told that "your a straight black man you need to sit down and listen to us" even when my points agreed with theirs. It kinda made me feel like I didn't belong in this "club" but I was expected to be there to be berated. I did find it ironic because I went there to learn more about how "it's ok to express my emotions as a man," but ended up keeping a lot inside still.
I just feel like men are being branded as the new "bad guy" and I don't think it's really going to help any of us want to understand each other better. And why is it ok to objectify men? If it's bad to objectify people why is this ok? Male objectification kinda works to where If you look like x, you are this. when I asked one of my friends why he doesn't like to date or won't go into teaching (great at English) he told me that "I'm a big white, long hair dude = pedophile, tech guy or "not worth dating". I find that messed up and to be a form of objectification. Especially since I was hired as a teacher because I am short, black, no tattoos and I look like I went to college so I get the "non-threatening" label (and they NEEDED a black male teacher to meet their diversity quota).
I enjoyed this video and I feel like you touched on some things that might be heard coming from you than from me. And I'm grateful for you and your thoughts.
As a girl it's cute and expected for you to like children, when you like children as a guy you're easily seen as a creep, now I'm perceived as a guy I'm scared to make girls feel uncomfortable, I don't feel free to wear the clothes I want to wear or wear make up. When you're a girl people want to help you more(when you're lost, etc), when you're a boy you're expected to be able to handle shit, also emotionally. I'm still scared of guys when Im out alone at night, but now girls are scared of me too.. Mostly that us no issue for me tho as I am short and my aura is very non threatening. But I don't feel like I can express myself the way I could as a girl, I can't wear skirts anymore, well I could but I wouldn't pass and if I would I would be stared at and ice been stared at my entire life I've had enough of that thank u v much
Tldr: guys are seen as dangerous and competent, girls are seen as weak, in need of help/defense and trustworthy and have a lot more freedom of gender expression
Straight up, you should learn Martial Arts. Probably start with Ju Jitsu. That goes for both men and women, btw.
I agree with godlike cause it helped me so much when I started taking kickboxing classes…being able to hold your own in a fight until you can escape gives you so much needed confidence whether you’re trans or cis
im glad ftm are able to empathize with us men. As a guy life is just so much harder in every faccet you will be treated worse in EVERY scenaro whether its somebody taking your order at starbucks or just waiting at the DMV. People just dont respect guys as they do girls. girls are seen as pretty little helpless gazelles which can be bad or good for them depending on the situation. but most of the time for 99% of life its so much easier to have people treat you as an actual human being with emotions. as a man you have to toughen up and thats why male suicide rate is 3.5x higher in men. which is the most insane stat ever. Ladies, i know you think youre oppressed, but trust me its not greener on the other side its blacker… life as a man is the toughest thing anybody can do
I came out at like 14 and started transitioning really early in my life, I’m 19 now and looking back there was a lot less academic pressure before I transitioned to male. I was always in the “talented and gifted” program until I came out and I guess the teachers expected more from a boy and I ended up in lower level classes.
I think the expectations were lower for a girl. Also, I really feel the complimenting women thing. It’s rough.
The kid/baby thing bothers me so much!! And actually, that’s the only one that I don’t feel is fair or an appropriate fear/assumption. Like sure, a lot of predators are white men, but not all of them and the proportion of men who actually are child predators is completely disproportionate to the amount of parents who assume every man is a child predator. Expressing that you like kids should not classify a woman as a nice stranger and a man as a creep, and I hate that when I see a baby in public instead of being able to smile and wave the interaction forces all of these worries and judgements on to me.
I think parents have an instinct to protect their children from danger, but we live in a time when children are actually in far less danger than has ever been the case. The instinct remains though, so parents naturally see all dangers exagerated. They live in a world where all drivers are drunk, all edged objects have vorpal sharpness, and every bush conceals a child molester.
man, you’re putting me in danger here. your amazing transition results are eating at my safe shell of denial like an egg in coca cola
COMPLEMENTS yes this has made me so so nervous. I'm Autistic so I'm already nervous about messing up communication but I'm a very complementary person and it feels weird now. I could relate to alot of your video and experiences. I think one I'm noticing more is my customer sevice voice. With my other friends in customer service we joke about how our voices when working with clients is so fake and its funny but its also very high pitch and uses pet names like honey or gendered terms like ma'am or sir. I wish I knew how to make that feel less feminine or jarring because I know that there isn't a certain way I should talk to make myself valid or anything but I do feel dysphoric about it and I'm not sure how to change it.
I can kind of relate to the part about your voice. My voice always goes high pitched and polite when I talk to or in front of strangers, on the phone, etc. and it's so frustrating. it's the biggest thing keeping me from passing, I think. To me, it helps to do like voice exercises or practice how I would talk in front of someone. it doesn't always work, but it's my best guess.◝(⁰▿⁰)◜
I feel the autism thing
I’m also autistic and struggle with communication.
On the spectrum myself...my rule of thumb is to avoid compliments unless it's someone I know well. But if I do, limit it to something like a new hairstyle or clothes. Best to steer away from compliments on bodies.
That part about bisexuality was so interesting. As a bi cis woman I'm definitely also very conscious of how I talk about my attraction and often catch myself picking the "right" gender for whichever company I'm in so as not to out myself with people I don't know well if I'm not in an lgbt+ inclusive space.
The kids and men thing is sad but so true. I was in an education program and my male peers had to jump through hoops to get in schools for observations. One of them had to request their state finger printing and background check be sent to the school. Meanwhile at every single school I went to I just gave a letter to a secretary at the front office. I would be accepted without meeting anyone first and called for a date to come in. Even after starting observations I often never met the principal even once, only the department head. At the last school I observed at, I would get buzzed in to the building with ease and often waved away from the security desk after they recognized me coming in multiple times. The ONLY day I had to wait outside before being buzzed in was when a young man around my age (also dressed professionally) was there before me so we had to enter together.
And this is just for secondary education (6th-12th grade, I mostly focused on high schools), I can't imagine guys trying to work in the lower grades. It sucks but it's the reality.
I don't agree. You're the only person stopping yourself from doing anything you want.
As a cis woman I have to say that men, or male presenting people feeling like they're unable to compliment makes me sad because there are so many times when I personally appreciate it. I can't speak for all women/femmes, but for me it all depends on what the compliment is and how you say. Normally complimenting something neutral like a woman's hair or clothing is fine i.e. "I like your hair/outfit/make-up". And I've received these kinds of compliments from men who presented or read as straight or at least femme attracted. Creepy territory is when it starts to feel like a rehearsed pick up like i.e. "Hey sexy/beautiful" And that's the most annoying when it comes from random guys on the street.
As a trans girl I definitely noticed a ton more compliments on my appearance after I came out. Personally I welcome all compliments from any gender (though it's 80% from women, but I have had a couple men compliment me in a respectful way) I think the main thing is to keep it to a genuine compliment and not a statement of attraction, lol.
Tbh I’ve had the opposite experience on the first one 😂 before I transitioned and lived as a guy no one gave a damn if I burped really loud, especially like frat bro types, and now if I do it I get lectured about how it’s unladylike and it actually had shock value hahahahaha
Hi Jackson,
This is all very, very, insightful! I am older, 60, going in the other direction, a transgender woman, so it is very interesting for me to hear and get acknowledgement from you of some of the things I felt when presenting as a man for so long.
All the best to you!
Christie
The academic achievements one hits home. I haven't transitioned medically yet, but I can imagine that people expect more.
As a girl, they really do expect less of you. My bro and I both went to university and received similar grades. Both in STEM majors. But for some reason, everyone is always hyping up my brother, but downplaying my achievements, as if it isn't nearly as good as my brother's achievements. Even when my family has questions related to my field of expertise, they go and ask my brother and ignore me. Even when my brother then redirects them to me, they still ignore me and even appear disappointed...
Proves how much double standards humans set on each other. It's sad. But at the same time, there are bad eggs are out there and the reason people are the way they are.
Rory_Emery I have only one standard: me = good, every else = bad.
My rule for complementing strangers/coworkers is to complement something they have control over. Something that was a choice they made. Certain item of clothing/shoes. Or they way they may do their work. I try to use words that are specific to the feeling im trying to get across.
Like “that shirt is awesome, i love harry potter” or “i love your hair color! Purple is the way to go!”. “Or even, you were super helpful today, we got so much work done!”
Of course, I’m a youngish looking girl and when i was in customer service, being nice to people was the job so even those careful phrases could eventually be misconstrued as hitting on someone.
I'm glad you consider it. Once, a guy walked behind me all the way across campus at night. I felt so creeped out and scared, and had 911 ready to call. Then, at the last minute he walked into a different building. He was probably just walking somewhere harmless. But I Really wish he had thought, "Oh, maybe I shouldn't be right on the heels of a girl out alone at night."
@ÖC Oh yeah for sure that's what I think happened.
I just wish he had considered how it looked to me. I kept looking back at him, afraid, and I dont think he put together what I was afraid of. And a lot of guys don't. They just aren't told, you know? No one's fault, just one scary walk
No, a lot of us know and feel bad about it but there isn't much we can really do. Should guys purposely take a longer path? Should we stop and wait until you're out of view? Trying to go faster to pass you up would probably make you feel worse, and you'd go faster so he doesn't pass you. If he says something like "Don't worry I'm not trying to hurt you" you'd probably actually call 9-11. It's really an unfortunate situation where both people will feel uncomfortable.
@@EddJM You know, I was actually thinking along these lines. I asked myself "Well, what should he have done?" And you're right, there aren't any good options, really. It just kind of sucks. Thanks for your perspective, it makes a lot of sense
@@EddJM Society today has done this to themselves. No wonder everyone is confused and awkward around other people. No one is socialized anymore and everyone takes to victim-hood like it is a religion. Media tries to convince you that all men are predatory. This makes you fear them. Men are told pretty much if they open their mouth , they are wrong or imposing their privilege onto someone else. So the man keeps his mouth shut for fear anything he says will be taken the wrong way and around the tree we go never advancing in Society. Maybe they had it right in the past. I heard stories from my Great grandma about how she and my Great Grandpa met and courted, her words. It would have gone like this. Good evening, nice night out isn't it. It looks like we are going the same way, mind if I walk with you? It is kind of unsettling being out hear alone and I really think there is safety in numbers or something like that. To here my grandma tell it, my grandpa was a perfect gentleman and always tried to make people feel at ease.
sorry hear, and here are reversed. stupid sentence word suggestion crap.
1000% agreed with the children and fear from women walking by. Great to hear someone else actually has these feelings too haha
As a trans woman there are so many things I can relate to here but obviously in reverse, and what's worse is that I feel bad about really enjoying that I can do those things without judgement and guys can't, but it is very gender affirming to me to be able to. On the flip side though any "female privileges" I might have now are definitely overshadowed by the male privilege I lost. It's a give and take and I don't think that I can say having one side of things would be better than the other, except for the fact that even the bad trade offs are gender affirming and now I feel comfortable in my social roles much more than before.
You are so intelligent. And wise about society and the world. Like seriously WOW. This was super eye-opening to myself and surely thousands of others as well. So inspiring; thank you for putting this out!
I definitely relate to worrying about coming off as creepy. when I first came out I was 15 and I started a new school very shortly after and I was stealth and I was slightly intimidated by the other guys so I tried to make friends with girls because I thought I already knew how to socialize with girls and I think I either came off as creepy or like I wanted something more than friendship so I didn't end up making any friends. and at first I was really confused about why they were acting so stand offish around me but looking back it mustve been really uncomfortable for them. I think learning how to navigate social situations as a guy is really hard at first because you have no idea how to "act like a guy", if you mimic the other guys around you, you feel weird and like you're trying too hard but if you sorta "act like a girl" you come off as creepy.
It's crazy im just now realizing this. I've always been passionate about caring for and learning more about trans [and disabled] people, despite growing up in a very conservative Christian home and being very religious myself. I've obviously always been autistic, but I didn't actually know what it was until recently, and I'm only now seeing that the reason I was so empathetic to the trans experience was and is because I've always been able to relate to it so much. Now more than ever, since I'm post-diagnosis, pre-coming out.
It's interesting how it brews in us very similar coping strategies, camouflage, and intense social anxiety. Versus those who maybe transitioned very young and those who were diagnosed and received extra care at a young age. I hear so many stories of people successfully never developing masking as a default state because everyone around them just expected them to be different, and there are people like Nikki Tutorials who have successfully brought their "trans-ness" to the background of their identity.
What really is strange is those of us who internalize everything, gaslight ourselves, and essentially live closeted with difficulties we can't even describe. I always struggled with the idea of being truly vulnerable. As an enneagram 4, it's all I wanted with those close to me, yet it felt like I was missing something, and just like in transition, it was only when I discovered the autistic self id kept locked away that I could truly actually begin to open up and feel present.
"... different ways our society treats men and women. Or, people they perceive to be men and women" - as someone who can't even start to think about coming out of the closet, and is therefore constantly misgendered, thanks for emphasizing the second part.
I like the video, but I have a couple disagreements. You waved it away as understandable, but I think it's very much not okay to treat men as potential predators all the time. Crossing to the other side of the street at night is thoughtful of you, but when you're in public and there's a child near other adults, it should be one hundred percent acceptable for a guy to interact with the child the same way he could if he were a woman because it doesn't threaten the child in any way. Also regrading your point about feminism, a lot of women have some wacky ideas what feminism is or should be, so if something they say doesn't sit well with you, I don't see why you shouldn't be allowed to weight in. Feminism is not just for women and women's issues are often not one-sided.
Anyway, you look great with the hair and beard.
I mean I sort of agree with you but statistically as far as I’m aware, men are more likely to be predators (as a guy I understand why people might be nervous), it’s an unfortunate truth of society really
YES!!! As a cis bisexual man, hard agree on a lot of these points. I want to start making RUclips videos soon about my life experiences and weighing in with my political and social opinions, so I'll have to keep this video, it's points therein, and the topic of the perception of men in society in mind for when I get around to finally uploading videos, but I pretty much hard agree on these points. It is really shitty and not okay that men are perceived as predators in waiting and a danger to kids and women. If negative stereotypes against women are bad and need to be challenged in order to move forward socially and treat everybody equitably (and to be clear, that is true.), it boggles me that so many times when some of the shit lots that men deal with are brought up, it's often handwaved with "well, I get it." "It's kind of true though", or "but men brought this on themselves. something patriarchy, toxic men, etc.". On the crossing the street thing, I hard agree you shouldn't have to move for anybody. I'm a bi guy who by choice doesn't date women, and more to the point understand basic decency and will never randomly accost someone on the street to cat call them or some shit, let alone seize the moment to just have my way with or mangle someone on the street cause I'm just a big scary guy who totally could and my big scary male brute brain predisposes me to thinking I'm entitled to doing that *eyeroll*. If that's how I'm perceived, well that's the womans problem for assuming, not mine. I'm just going about my business walking on the sidewalk I have just as much right to as she does. It's not I who should have to change my behavior to reaffirm that I'm one of the good men, because the stereotype that I could be a violent lunk in waiting and just an object of harm to a woman walking down the street is some bullshit that doesn't justify a counter response. In a sick way sometimes I fantasize of a day when I get the cops called on me or tazed or peppersprayed for having the audacity to exist as a man, and I get to to be a martyr for men who just exist and I can expose people who make asses of themselves for presuming I'm big, scary, and creepy just for being a man. I know, that's super unlikely to ever happen, I most likely will never have to deal with that I'm thankful for it, but it feels mighty shitty that on any level I can worry that that might realistically happen.
Ditto for the men and children thing. I have a 10 year old family member in my life who's one of the lights of my world. I lover her and I love kids, and I hate that men are viewed as more likely to predatory and I hate how it seems like everybody almost wants to find the pedo lurking in plain sight, like a witch hunt. That shit hurts, and while Jackson in this video justified this with the point that predators come in all genders (true), lets not kid ourselves here that the average person, or even virtually anyone, is giving women the same kind of suspicious side eye they give men because they're worried that anyone could be a predator. What's worse is that, unlike the woman on a sidewalk thing, I actually feel a bigger urge to change my behavior with children in public since I feel like there's a tangible danger to myself if someone gets the wrong idea about me in close proximity to a child, be it getting beat up or worse like pissing off the wrong pedo paranoid gun nut (God bless "Murica and all.), or having to deal with police who'd also be biased towards the idea that I could be a predator because I'm a man.
Men are so often seen as vessels of harm and predation done onto others (sometimes even other men), and I'm sick of accommodating that. That needs to be challenged and dispelled, and I try to do that whenever it feels safe to do so by just being myself in public and having rational discussions challenging these notions when I am able to.
Ditto on the point about challenging feminism too. If listening to others and respecting people's feelings as valid is something we're trying to prioritize more as a society, then that goes for the average man who have grievances too. I don't think we should sit down and take when we feel like we're being unfairly judged, miscategorized, or stereotyped. the narrative is often that men are always taken seriously and that this is the result of women and minorities finally being heard, and to a point that's true and there is noticeable good coming from that. Still, I don't see anybody actually taking seriously men who have grievances like mine in any widely accepted discourse, or if these concerns are talked about at all it's framed as men finally worrying about dealing with consequences for their actions, as though it's impossible for a man to be unfairly judged and that any man who worries about negative stereotype necessarily embodies those very sterotypes.
I feel like I have more to say on this, but I don't want to rant for too long here. I should hold on to some of my thoughts for when I can put these ideas out to a wider audience myself.
I mean... about the predator thing: one time I was really skeptical about this grown man watching these two little girls. He had a camera in his hand and I know pedos like pictures and stuff😐. So I tried to get my cousins outta there as SOO as possible. I don’t think that makes me bad, it makes me cautious. I’m always cautious about walking to my bus stop when there are men around. I’m not saying it’s good to pin men as these evil pedos, but it’s ok to be cautious. I think it’s natural.
before I write I wanna make it clear that I hate having this mindset and that I wanna change but being where I live it's kinda dangerous not to. also I hold these standards to women as well, I get scared when a random woman is next to me while I'm walking alone. I'm just scared of a lot of people tbh.
I get that people probably shouldn't just assume every man is gonna assault you but still some people might have reasons for it. the area I live in has a LOT of sexual predators. like its actaully ridiculous, there were even rumors of an illegal child sex ring. I'm a trans male but I still fully present as female(due to being in the closet). the amount of anxiety I get from just taking a simple walk is excruciating. I have to worry about every car, every passerby, every little sound. its terrifying. I obviously know that not every man is gonna harm me(I'm a man myself) but I still have to be careful for my own safety. as much as I'd love to agree with you, in this world we cant afford to not be careful. I just wanna be able to get groceries without worrying. even in public with other adults, seeing kids just alone with some random guy is scary cause of the amount of kids who go missing here. I wish I didnt have to have this kind of mindset but it's an unfortunate consequence of where I live
You guys should read Whipping Girl by Julia Serano. I think it would give you some perspective
Heck yeah, Brownies! That was some good childhood times for me; I hope you also enjoyed it.
As a nonbinary person who is just starting T, this is all super helpful to keep in mind!
As a cis male I find most of these very relatable.
Babysitting is probably another one. I had teen male babysitters growing up, but as an adult trying to get jobs, babysitting was always something that I could fall back on.
lmao the reading people’s tshirts thing is trivial but so true! I’ve had to train myself to avoid reading people’s shirts now so it doesn’t look like I’m staring at their boobs, and I still do it without realizing sometimes
What I miss the most: Casual affection. This is an extension of the compliments dilemma. Women touch and comfort eachother physically A LOT in a platonic, friendly way. It's not impossible, but very difficult to navigate this as a guy.
Most straight cis dudes can't conceive of the concept of being physical close to someone without it being sexual and afab/women presenting ppl know this and by default are skeptical of motives.
First year after I started passing in public I went through some major touch starvation. Probably still am, but I'm getting used to it now.
Please look for peers who don't buy the bullshit that male friends shouldn't casually touch their friends www.artofmanliness.com/articles/bosom-buddies-a-photo-history-of-male-affection/
Touch starvation really is super unhealthy.
I dont think if u mean men with other men, or men being unable to share casual affection with other women and peoole in general. personally, Plenty of my male friends are physically affectionate towards me especially if I'm opening up or taking about something that makes me feel vulnerable/uncomfortable, hugs and holding hands/knees etc isnt out of the ordinary in these situations for me. And I do appreciate it. The only thing that shocks me is the fact that anybody would care but that's a whole other story lmao. Of course I think it depends maybe how close you are and where your boundaries are and I feel like the current gen of adolescents are more likely to be a lot less touchy maybe bc of anxiety, hyperawareness? Idk
I feel this one. I was already really bad with social skills to begin with, so navigating platonic touch was already difficult. But at least as a woman it happened sometimes. Obviously it's covid now, but before that, I was already firmly in a male role, so touching other people in general was already starting to feel weird. I don't know what to do or how to fix it.
Oh big time, in my friend groups my guy mates can give each other a hug, but only as a goodbye gesture. It just doesn’t happen and it’s definitely more of bro hug. It’s nice and a chill guy thing but when you really just need a hug it’s a pain in the ass and I’ll basically only get a comforting hug from girls
Yeah, I definitely get the touch starved feeling. And it only gets more so the more hyper masculine you are on the spectrum. Where 2 guys of the same size who kinda know each other might bro hug when they meet up to go for a bar crawl, or like throw an arm over your friends shoulder while telling a story about them, if you come into that situation as someone seen as even MORE masculine (say being a particularly tall man) you get none of that unless you are with close friends. You dont touch anyone, nobody touches you. And being particularly hyper masculine you're also seen as intimidating to both men and women, so EVERYONE stays away
These are things I’ve never really considered before. Thanks for sharing the world from your view 🤗
Don’t forget the part where you can’t be afraid of insects or spiders as a man. You can’t expect or ask someone else to relocate the bug(s) for you either. You can’t shriek or react strongly away when you’re startled by a creepy crawly. I know this from experience lol.
In all honesty, I know A LOT of guys (cis and trans) who are terrified of spiders and bugs. I can only think of two people I have dated who weren't. I'm always the resident bug killer. 🤣🤣 I had one friend who would BEG me to drive across town to save him from a spider in his shower just so he could get ready for work.... He's cis.
You can, my oldest brother is. His wife is too. So to get on their good side I just say I killed a spider for them whenever I visit. Nothing wrong with any of that.
This is one of the reasons I love being a woman, even in this society. I’ve always felt more free to be myself then men
I have a cis boyfriend who's terrified of bugs and cant be in the same room as some of them. I take care of the situation for him
The Way In sure you can!! I relocated countless for cismale friends through the years. I'm currently in a household of 7, I'm the only guy, and I'm the only one willing the take care of the creepy crawlers... But snakes? Oh HELL NO. You won't catch me within two blocks, willingly, of a snake.
You remind me so much of my English teacher and I don’t know what it is but its definitely there
He does kinda give off English teacher vibes.
oh boy howdy I feel you for the last point hard, I'm a pansexual trans guy and while I will fight tooth and nail to call myself pansexual but most of my relationships have been with other men and I feel really awkward talking about how pretty I find some women (and honestly same goes for my drawing, I'll draw trans guys, cis guys, abs, butts ect,,, all day but I feel uncomfortable as hell drawing a girl nude or even in more revealing stuff out of fear of objectifying her.
Yeah. I stopped drawing girls in general about 2 years before I figured out I was trans... My art skills weren't the problem, they were fine, but I became super uncomfortable drawing girls all of a sudden. Like I couldn't bear to draw something that I identified uncomfortably with at the time. Especially since I got a pretty big chest, thighs, and hips and was getting dysphoric from those already..
Yeah, I only draw dudes bc drawing girls makes me really uncomfortable. Idk I just feel like its creepy for me to do so
You verbalized something I've been trying to explain to people. As an MTF person I have seen how people treat me around children change dramatically. And I was trying to explain this to other people and nobody could understand what I was saying.
Ur hair looks wonderful keep growing it out love it
You are saying all the things I think about right now since starting my transition.
So interesting Jackson!
Ok IDK why but for some reason seeing Joanna in a random videos comments really threw me off lol
Lol found Johanna
Hi!!!!!
This is making so many alarms in my head go off! I could FEEL the part where you were talking about having to consciously avoid looking at any girl for longer than I should!
Pangender here. One of many things that stuck in my head: At 6 Flags with a woman friend, and had long hair. Some carnies called out to us "Hey ladies" style, but when I turned and they saw I was masc presenting, they stumbled all over themselves to apologize far more profusely than was necessary. Like, a man can't be positively cat-called and be assumed to be willing to accept it the way a woman can.
Ofc, it was very invalidating, as the call pulled out fem mode and the effective running in terror just pointed out that I couldn't be.
Pan gender is racist, you can be multi gender but not all genders. Many genders are culturally specific and closed.
liz t don’t gender ppl then, saying ma’am and sir is not necessary lol
Or maybe people just don't like being rude lol. Calling someone a gender they aren't is awkward!
@liz t Completely agree, well said
I don't know how to say this in a way that is completely non-insulting, but I just found your channel and you are just about the most inoffensive unintimidating person I have ever seen. You look like someone should be giving you a hug, not being afraid of you.
Can you please make a video about casual dating while trans, especially about disclosing a trans identity to a new potential romantic partner? Would love to hear your unpack that!
Can imagine he has some benefits from beeing bi.
But from what I heard, transgendered people really struggle with that. It's unlikely to finde a straight woman as ftm, and almost impossible to find a straight man as ftm. I wonder if they're getting prepared for this.
@@sgvpizzainsel7500 did you mean to say mtf in the second example?
@@graelmir5991 sure. Sorry
I'm only out online and I can already relate to some of these. When talking to people online I've been realizing slowly how certain things I used to do can sound creepy of people see me as a guy. Nobody ever told me I've sounded creepy but as the overthinking ball of anxiety I am while looking at the things I comment and say, and while finally getting closer to respect myself and my gender I've realized just how much creepy I sounded. It has been making me feel really bad because I already overthinked a lot but now I take more then 10 mins deciding on what I should say or even if I should say anything at all. I definetely understand how creepy guys can be and I feel you when you say how there's this internal conflict of not wanting to make other people feel the way you have felt, and in my case, still feel, and knowing you're not being predatory and feeling overhelmed by how careful you need to be...
the free drinks thing defo something I miss, even though I was almost always super uncomfortable? It's weird.
Also, I don't feel comfortable walking behind women anymore, like before HRT it just looked like just a very butch woman happening to walk behind another woman from the outside, but now I don't want to scare anyone so after dark I automatically cross to the other side of the street to not seem like a total creep.
Also on a different note, if the cis assume that I'm "one of the boys" a lot of them tend to be so very very ignorant about their own misogyny it's honestly baffling.
Oh man! 5:45ish about telling ladies you like their hair, outfit or scent. I don't get upset with them, and def try to keep things to myself- but I feel you buddy.
I rarely laugh out loud at videos, but the baby man-burping story totally got me! 🤣🤣🤣
This is so nuanced and interesting! Thanks so much for posting this!
”The man that I am” has a nice flow to it. Though, it would be an incorrect statement for me!
Video starts at 4:05.
This was an interesting and educational video. Thank you for sharing your experiences and knowlegde!
Good points, we gotta talk more about these disparities.
I agree.
This is an amazing video. Really great! Jackson has really grown into himself over the last couple years. I really see exactly what you are saying.
Obviously not the point of this video, but I'm so relieved whenever there's another person in this world who is also super bad with remembering/recognizing faces. I once was driving past someone who I was so sure was a friend of mine, so I turned around to pick them up/offer them a ride aaaand when I slowed down next to them and rolled down my window, I realized it was a Complete Stranger. So I peeled off in embarrassment - which probably just freaked this poor person out even more. Arghh the struggle!
I love your way of speaking. I don't really know how, but it sends very positive vibes!
I think every cis man needs complimenting and being physically too close to women to be explained to them. Not just be watching a video like this fropm a ftm perspective - but by everyone, over and over until they get it.
Jackson, to you personally in regards to feminism- I get what you are saying! Maybe books are a good fallback, as in "I used to also feel this way, and xyz book challenged that perspective" would help? Then you can be attatching the opinion back to the ownership of a woman - while still addressing problematic behaviour.
And as a feminist i am not sure how I feel about this being the first responce to clicking on this video, but as a person who identifies as female I still feel like i can say it... but I want to echo another commenters sentiment - your covid cut is incredibly princely! I think you won with what your hair did!
This is so interesting, one of the things I feel I can't do anymore now that I present as a mostly straight passing dude, is coo over people's children (especially baby girls). I find myself holding back from making comments like: "omg those curls" in reference to the babies of the classmates I had in my All Girls High School because it just feels that bit more inappropriate coming from a man. And I can see that conditioning and how backwards it is, but I always fall into making a priority of avoiding making others uncomfortable, over challenging gendered stereotypes