Full podcast episode: ruclips.net/video/fUEjCXpOjPY/видео.html Lex Fridman podcast channel: ruclips.net/user/lexfridman Guest bio: James Sexton is a divorce attorney and author.
Completely anecdotal, but my experience has indicated that, unless it's their field of study, that a lot of academically high-achieving individuals often have simplistic ideas about things like love, dare I say "undeveloped." It's lead me on many occasions to think that all the extra time that was spent intensely pursuing their academic career is the time the rest of us were out growing and maturing socially. They've excelled in one area of life at the cost of stunting another. Sometimes I think this when I hear Lex's ideas about love.
I disagree. I think they overlook the complexity or it isn't a primary passion. I think dumb people with limited life prospects cling to the small things that might actually make their lives worth living. Basically, hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard. Completely anecdotal, but my experience has indicated that, unless people are smart, they think they are smart. Dunning-Kruger. Dumb people will not see the difference ;-)
I've spent 40 years with with the same wonderful woman and the reason I believe that she is the best person for me is because with her I have become the best possible version of myself. At 70, I love who I am. I know what I was like the first thirty years of my life and I know that there is no other woman with whom I would have gotten from there to here. She saw it all from the beginning...and you know what? It worked the other way, too. Love at first sight, as well. No advice, no secret formula...just blessed.
Good that it worked for you but the probability that there is NO ONE in a world of almost 4 billion females who wouldn't be just as good or even better than your current wife isn't very practical thinking. Doesn't mean that one shouldn't hold on and make the best life of what he/she has got but the "one and only" line of thought, to me seems like a classic Disney fantasy.
The thing is, when they are the right person, their flaws don't bother you. They even seem cute. And your response to disappointment depends on how happy you are within yourself. You only get mad at trivial things if you are jaded, or unhappy in yourself.
In the early stages of romance, maybe. Long term these issues become serious and significant if they begin to impact the other but the perpetrator isn’t prepared to own the issue and work on it. It comes down to taking personal responsibility. A lot of people, maybe most, believe that relationships are a green light to be the worst versions of themselves with no accountability. That’s why many relationships fail. The ones that work have two people taking full responsibility for who they are and their impact on the people around them - partner/spouse, children, friends, colleagues etc. We are all imperfect but it’s dangerous to be blind to one’s imperfections, and it’s never okay to continue in them blindly.
@@pricejoss Agreed - the point is that you can't blame your partner for your feelings of disappointment. They are not 'perpetrators'. Accountability is a two way street.
@@Solistastyle Absolutely but people can behave in ways that are very damaging regardless of one’s self worth. Self worth and self esteem are not a cure-all for another person’s behaviour and their failure to take responsibility for it
@@pricejoss another person's behaviour and their failure to take accountability for it is about their issues and their journey. If you have self respect and self esteem, and the other person is crossing your boundaries and impacting that, then the issue is your boundaries. If you maintain your self respect/esteem, the wrong people just drop off. You don't even get into any unhealthy relationships. If you get into an unhealthy relationship where you compromise your self respect and self esteem it's a boundary issue and you need to look at why you are doing it, because it's your boundary issue. That's why it is so important to cultivate a healthy friendship before getting romantic - so you can identify these things. Ultimately in a good quality friendship there is a mutual respect for boundaries as a starting point.
Great vid - going to watch the whole podcast. Just a note - from psychology, an outstanding mother complex, either positive (keeps you in the nest as an adult), or negative (abuse and/or neglect) can cause a MOTHER WOUND. A mother wound can cause an attachment problem in turn which causes ONEITIS or a perpetual seraching for the perfect soulmate, which doesn't exist (only in movies.) A crippling way to live. Well said - going to watch that Gary Oldman clip.
I suppose it depends on how we define what a 'soul mate' is. The definition he is giving here is the one presented in movies.. Which is that a soul mate is the one that completes you and makes you whole. I don't align with this definition.. To me soul mates are those who share our core frequency. At times they are just friends, some are family members. If they are romantic counterparts, they are 'perfect' for us not because they never let us down or because they tick every ideal possible but because they provide us with the right challenges we need to become better people. Of course they will also have wonderful qualities we absolutely love about them and they also help each become better humans and allow and give each other room for expansion.
In ‘The Mill in the Floss’, by George Eliot, she describes a love triangle. What it is, the man is engaged to one woman and falls in love with her friend. He declares his love for the friend and says something so gangster, “I don’t even know if I like you”.
I think Mr. Sexton's use of 'Drexel Spivey' (Gary Oldman's character in 'True Romance') as an example for his apprentice lawyers on how to correctly calibrate people's intentions, negotiate, and/or read people, is extremely flawed. Drexel tells 'Clarence Worley' (Christian Slater) that had he sat down to have Chinese food under the given circumstances, he (Drexel) would have thought Clarence didn't have a care in the world; thus making him dangerous. Drexel then points out that Clarence didn't even watch the nudity that was on the t.v. Clarence then tells him, "I didn't eat because I'm not hungry, and I didn't watch the nudity because I saw the movie seven years ago." Clarence then went on to shoot Drexel in the groin and face (2x) with a .357 So Drexel was wrong, Clarence was a real threat and Drexel miscalculated his threat level.
This is an astute observation that deserves many likes. Thanks for sharing this; otherwise, I might have been misinformed. I don’t know how the movie goes. If what you're describing actually happens in the movie (and I don't see why you'd lie), then this Divorce Lawyer, James Sexton, is completely off the mark. It seems he doesn't quite grasp human nature. He's placing someone who's actually a loser on a pedestal. So, when Drexel tells 'Clarence Worley' (Christian Slater) that if he had seen him casually enjoying Chinese food under those circumstances, he would have thought Clarence didn't have a care in the world. This is just a clever comeback line added to briefly make him seem sharp. This is done by an extra supporting actor, momentarily enhancing Drexel's menace, and just a set-up for Clarence to have his ultimate say and shoot him in the head. And James Sexton thinks Drexel’s cute quip is cool and an important life lesson on negotiation? WHAT? The one who says "I didn't eat because I'm not hungry, and I didn't watch the nudity because I saw the movie seven years ago." is the real bad moth*rfv*ker. Clarence don’t give a fuck about what Drexel thinks. Clarence is not intimidated by anyone or, at least, certainly not by Drexel. A real moth*rfv*ker is not gonna eat when he’s not hungry with food that he might or might not like to appear he doesn’t have a care in the world. He eats only when he wants and what he wants. What on earth is this divorce lawyer James Sexton seeing? What the heck is he teaching? Then what else is he wrong about? Is this his worldview? If so, it reflects his life philosophy and behavior-a facade, someone pretending to not have a care in the world. It means James Sexton stuffs his face even if he is not hungry with food he might or might not like so he can like appear he doesn’t have a care in the world. He gives a sh*t way too much. Those who are misinformed about this scene would take his flawed advice. And he cannot be an effective divorce lawyer either. I've always had reservations about James Sexton's approach, particularly his choice of examples and what he emphasizes. It often appears too simplistic. He states the obvious a lot of times. There is no depth. His aggressive style of communication may be what gained him fame.
I believe in the "soul mate" concept. I believe in a soul. Having said that l also believe in maturity & pragmatism. Life needs practical, rational approach, in my view.
He's been an attorney for 20 years, specifically in divorce proceedings. He's just seen too much and is pragmatic. Peoples misguidance into very unfortunate situations in marriages and all that.
I think he’s pushing back on the idea of what ppl think a soul mate is. He’s saying that it’s crazy to think that this person will never disappoint you and will instead always do the right thing and say the right thing at the right time like they do in the movies.
@danielglan1920 Nothing is perfect in this world, we see those flaws as times to grow and learn together...it's a matter of perspective. Destiny will bring our truest counterparts when we are ready to give reciprocal love to one another. Sometimes we get impatient and choose the wrong person for us too. It's gotta be a soul/heart connection. If we expect things to be like the movies we better check ourselves lol
Not sure James' perspective is still realistic. EX: Doesn't a loving, committed partner EVER mean to hurt their partner, whether it's out of sheer frustration, being wronged and unfairly dealt with, tit-for-tat, or vice versa? IMHO, even when my partner or I does act out of their Shadow Self and I or they partly receive the brunt, we are still committed to communication, conflict resolution, and forgiveness. As James pointed out, Love is a Verb. And I would add, including through our darkest, un-loving moments. Otherwise, we are still setting the relationship up for too high of an expectation that we would "never" intentionally do anything wrong. Yeah, we kinda do.
Soulmate thing is so made up. I believe in bank accounts, fitness, titles, manipulation etc. while the essence looks away so we can do our dirty biddings and all that is murrican advertised in drooly tacky accents. 🤮
Full podcast episode: ruclips.net/video/fUEjCXpOjPY/видео.html
Lex Fridman podcast channel: ruclips.net/user/lexfridman
Guest bio: James Sexton is a divorce attorney and author.
Completely anecdotal, but my experience has indicated that, unless it's their field of study, that a lot of academically high-achieving individuals often have simplistic ideas about things like love, dare I say "undeveloped." It's lead me on many occasions to think that all the extra time that was spent intensely pursuing their academic career is the time the rest of us were out growing and maturing socially. They've excelled in one area of life at the cost of stunting another. Sometimes I think this when I hear Lex's ideas about love.
I agree. Overthinking and over idealistic - won’t do Lex good for this aspect of life.
I disagree. I think they overlook the complexity or it isn't a primary passion. I think dumb people with limited life prospects cling to the small things that might actually make their lives worth living. Basically, hard work beats talent when talent doesn't work hard.
Completely anecdotal, but my experience has indicated that, unless people are smart, they think they are smart. Dunning-Kruger.
Dumb people will not see the difference ;-)
What a long winded way of saying that he has autism
Haha. Tell me about it...
@@liangli-wei9316 What was it like discovering youtube in 2021? Never mind... I know... "new email"
This man is straight to the core, no bullshit.
I've spent 40 years with with the same wonderful woman and the reason I believe that she is the best person for me is because with her I have become the best possible version of myself. At 70, I love who I am. I know what I was like the first thirty years of my life and I know that there is no other woman with whom I would have gotten from there to here. She saw it all from the beginning...and you know what? It worked the other way, too. Love at first sight, as well. No advice, no secret formula...just blessed.
Good that it worked for you but the probability that there is NO ONE in a world of almost 4 billion females who wouldn't be just as good or even better than your current wife isn't very practical thinking.
Doesn't mean that one shouldn't hold on and make the best life of what he/she has got but the "one and only" line of thought, to me seems like a classic Disney fantasy.
The thing is, when they are the right person, their flaws don't bother you. They even seem cute.
And your response to disappointment depends on how happy you are within yourself. You only get mad at trivial things if you are jaded, or unhappy in yourself.
In the early stages of romance, maybe. Long term these issues become serious and significant if they begin to impact the other but the perpetrator isn’t prepared to own the issue and work on it. It comes down to taking personal responsibility. A lot of people, maybe most, believe that relationships are a green light to be the worst versions of themselves with no accountability. That’s why many relationships fail. The ones that work have two people taking full responsibility for who they are and their impact on the people around them - partner/spouse, children, friends, colleagues etc. We are all imperfect but it’s dangerous to be blind to one’s imperfections, and it’s never okay to continue in them blindly.
@@pricejoss Agreed - the point is that you can't blame your partner for your feelings of disappointment. They are not 'perpetrators'. Accountability is a two way street.
@@Solistastyle Absolutely but people can behave in ways that are very damaging regardless of one’s self worth. Self worth and self esteem are not a cure-all for another person’s behaviour and their failure to take responsibility for it
@@pricejoss another person's behaviour and their failure to take accountability for it is about their issues and their journey. If you have self respect and self esteem, and the other person is crossing your boundaries and impacting that, then the issue is your boundaries.
If you maintain your self respect/esteem, the wrong people just drop off.
You don't even get into any unhealthy relationships.
If you get into an unhealthy relationship where you compromise your self respect and self esteem it's a boundary issue and you need to look at why you are doing it, because it's your boundary issue.
That's why it is so important to cultivate a healthy friendship before getting romantic - so you can identify these things.
Ultimately in a good quality friendship there is a mutual respect for boundaries as a starting point.
Great vid - going to watch the whole podcast. Just a note - from psychology, an outstanding mother complex, either positive (keeps you in the nest as an adult), or negative (abuse and/or neglect) can cause a MOTHER WOUND.
A mother wound can cause an attachment problem in turn which causes ONEITIS or a perpetual seraching for the perfect soulmate, which doesn't exist (only in movies.) A crippling way to live.
Well said - going to watch that Gary Oldman clip.
any books or resources on this you'd recommend?
Interesting context - thanks Mas
@@bobbynw438Erich Neumann "the fear of the feminine" (btw Neumann was a direct student of both Freud and Jung)
I suppose it depends on how we define what a 'soul mate' is. The definition he is giving here is the one presented in movies.. Which is that a soul mate is the one that completes you and makes you whole.
I don't align with this definition.. To me soul mates are those who share our core frequency. At times they are just friends, some are family members. If they are romantic counterparts, they are 'perfect' for us not because they never let us down or because they tick every ideal possible but because they provide us with the right challenges we need to become better people. Of course they will also have wonderful qualities we absolutely love about them and they also help each become better humans and allow and give each other room for expansion.
Gary Oldman is the TRUE GOAT! Incomparable talent, without all that method stuff.
didn't expect that, smart and concise guy
I love how logical this guy is
I find the scene between Christopher Walken and Dennis Hopper is the best dialogue in film history. Call it negotiation.
This Podcast is amazing, but this part of is something that all couples should listen to.
Great advice
In ‘The Mill in the Floss’, by George Eliot, she describes a love triangle. What it is, the man is engaged to one woman and falls in love with her friend. He declares his love for the friend and says something so gangster, “I don’t even know if I like you”.
Poor Lex !
He is so naive.
He will be disappointed and hurt .
we all know someone who was dissatisfied with their partner once, left the partner for "someone better," only to find out that they made a mistake.
True Romance, great movie
Your editor is snorting lines of coke uploading all of these clips. Dear sir, we thank you!
Good advice
I think Mr. Sexton's use of 'Drexel Spivey' (Gary Oldman's character in 'True Romance') as an example for his apprentice lawyers on how to correctly calibrate people's intentions, negotiate, and/or read people, is extremely flawed. Drexel tells 'Clarence Worley' (Christian Slater) that had he sat down to have Chinese food under the given circumstances, he (Drexel) would have thought Clarence didn't have a care in the world; thus making him dangerous. Drexel then points out that Clarence didn't even watch the nudity that was on the t.v. Clarence then tells him, "I didn't eat because I'm not hungry, and I didn't watch the nudity because I saw the movie seven years ago." Clarence then went on to shoot Drexel in the groin and face (2x) with a .357
So Drexel was wrong, Clarence was a real threat and Drexel miscalculated his threat level.
This is an astute observation that deserves many likes. Thanks for sharing this; otherwise, I might have been misinformed. I don’t know how the movie goes. If what you're describing actually happens in the movie (and I don't see why you'd lie), then this Divorce Lawyer, James Sexton, is completely off the mark. It seems he doesn't quite grasp human nature. He's placing someone who's actually a loser on a pedestal.
So, when Drexel tells 'Clarence Worley' (Christian Slater) that if he had seen him casually enjoying Chinese food under those circumstances, he would have thought Clarence didn't have a care in the world. This is just a clever comeback line added to briefly make him seem sharp. This is done by an extra supporting actor, momentarily enhancing Drexel's menace, and just a set-up for Clarence to have his ultimate say and shoot him in the head. And James Sexton thinks Drexel’s cute quip is cool and an important life lesson on negotiation? WHAT?
The one who says "I didn't eat because I'm not hungry, and I didn't watch the nudity because I saw the movie seven years ago." is the real bad moth*rfv*ker. Clarence don’t give a fuck about what Drexel thinks. Clarence is not intimidated by anyone or, at least, certainly not by Drexel.
A real moth*rfv*ker is not gonna eat when he’s not hungry with food that he might or might not like to appear he doesn’t have a care in the world. He eats only when he wants and what he wants.
What on earth is this divorce lawyer James Sexton seeing? What the heck is he teaching? Then what else is he wrong about? Is this his worldview? If so, it reflects his life philosophy and behavior-a facade, someone pretending to not have a care in the world.
It means James Sexton stuffs his face even if he is not hungry with food he might or might not like so he can like appear he doesn’t have a care in the world. He gives a sh*t way too much. Those who are misinformed about this scene would take his flawed advice. And he cannot be an effective divorce lawyer either.
I've always had reservations about James Sexton's approach, particularly his choice of examples and what he emphasizes. It often appears too simplistic. He states the obvious a lot of times. There is no depth. His aggressive style of communication may be what gained him fame.
Best Walken scene ever
My favorite movie 🎉
A worthy fav
What movie is it?
@@MoneyAli75True Romance
Great Movie
Great cast
Same , the line where she says that’s so romantic arghhh
I believe in the "soul mate" concept. I believe in a soul. Having said that l also believe in maturity & pragmatism. Life needs practical, rational approach, in my view.
"your love is a verb, here in my room"
This generation seems to not believe in the work that goes into love.
That thousand yard stare around 6:55! It's as if Lex is internally crying over his own illusions 😦😂
Smart lawyer.
He has not had a Soul Mate in his life.
Hardcore LOVE cement Soul Mates at a core level.
He's been an attorney for 20 years, specifically in divorce proceedings. He's just seen too much and is pragmatic. Peoples misguidance into very unfortunate situations in marriages and all that.
That was one very violent movie.
Soulmates are real. G Money is mine
"empty barrels make the most noise" by James Sexton
Awesome flic
love his tattoos...on trend with the black...me? covered in color...dang.
Maybe I'm a dreamer, I believe in true love & soulmates💙
I think he’s pushing back on the idea of what ppl think a soul mate is. He’s saying that it’s crazy to think that this person will never disappoint you and will instead always do the right thing and say the right thing at the right time like they do in the movies.
@danielglan1920 Nothing is perfect in this world, we see those flaws as times to grow and learn together...it's a matter of perspective. Destiny will bring our truest counterparts when we are ready to give reciprocal love to one another. Sometimes we get impatient and choose the wrong person for us too. It's gotta be a soul/heart connection. If we expect things to be like the movies we better check ourselves lol
yes its good to believe and so do i..life must be magic
This guy has the voice cadence of Louis CK and I can’t unhear it 😂
Tarantino!
My favorite movie of all times
I wasn’t sure if I was being Rick Rolled there a couple of times. But I was ok with it.
Great interview!
What’s with the tattoos ?
So true ❤❤❤
Not sure James' perspective is still realistic.
EX: Doesn't a loving, committed partner EVER mean to hurt their partner, whether it's out of sheer frustration, being wronged and unfairly dealt with, tit-for-tat, or vice versa?
IMHO, even when my partner or I does act out of their Shadow Self and I or they partly receive the brunt, we are still committed to communication, conflict resolution, and forgiveness. As James pointed out, Love is a Verb. And I would add, including through our darkest, un-loving moments. Otherwise, we are still setting the relationship up for too high of an expectation that we would "never" intentionally do anything wrong. Yeah, we kinda do.
You're so cool 🎶
❤Beautiful
James sexton is sexyness personified.
I thought I was the only one. Hahaha
Fucking great movie.
Did James Sexton just pass away ???
???
nahh broo
Same 🫠
What t f is this guy talking about?
id never trust that guy
Soulmate thing is so made up. I believe in bank accounts, fitness, titles, manipulation etc. while the essence looks away so we can do our dirty biddings and all that is murrican advertised in drooly tacky accents. 🤮
😽💕
Well, I think you might be my soulmate Lex but, I've never met you yet. Come find me and find out for yourself. I want meet you anyways. 😊