@@1969kellyp oh yea, I told my recent ex that my ex husband has said that to me which flipped the switch towards divorce, and later he repeated it word for word. As if daring me...and I broke up with him too.
In my opinion, the worst about living with a narcissist are the moods, the constant moodswings. Psychological warfare and blackmail. The taboo-topics you are not permitted to bring up. 🙄 The emotional negligence without a trace of regret. 😔
@@falcon6995 earlier today after he'd rant then 2seconds later Do you want to go out to eat? I'll yell, Next, which one is it next? Batshit crazy. I started recording. KARMA MFR
YES. Constant mood swings which creates so much anxiety for me. I never know what I’m going to get. And many topics cannot be discussed but yet I never communicate?! 🤔
"I wish you would just act right" What he really meant was I wish you would do what I say without challenging me. Um no! I have a mind of my own, my own thoughts and opinions!!!
My lying narcissist did and then stopped and then started again you know 10 years into a 20-year marriage and a 30-year relationship. I never really believed it when I heard it.
My parent's top 5 favorite phrases: 1. "That didn't happen " 2. "You don't remember it right " 3. "You don't really feel that way" 4. "You were always a difficult child " 5. "Don't you love me, why do you act like this?" Bonus #6. "If you do/act/say (fill in the blank) then no one will ever want/love you." And as always there is the self righteous anger
Mom: Don't be mad, Don't be sad, Just be happy, I don't buy nice things for unhappy girls. You don't really like that pretty dress. We don't have enough money for the hospital. We don't have enough money for new glasses for you (until the school offered to call child protective services. I wish the doctor had thought of that about the hospital. Every year.) If you don't let me I will do it to Deb (my little sister). He didn't after I left so I think that was a bluff.
A favorite comeback for the "why are you always bringing up the past???" "because I am keeping count and you're about to hit the limit." Sets them off every time.
Literally like they created the world for you. And they pretend like they do things for the people around them but would never do something that doesn’t benefit them
1) I never said that. 2) I did not mean that. 3) I can't remember saying that. 4) I never told you that. 5) You probably dreamt that. 6) You are so wrong again. 7) Guess you thought I said that. 8) Why would I ever say that, you know that I never would have.
But if you use the same phrases because you know for a fact you never said or did what they accuse you of that's where you fall even more into gaslighting because they will tell you you are trying to manipulate them. Wife literally told me one thing and 30 mins after I brought it up and she said "I didn't say that" followed by "I am not going to let you gaslight me".
14) *IF* I did/said that it was probably because you [insert full irrational reason for their action]. But, I didn't. You're just always trying to make me sound like some kind of terrible person/monster/crazy person! I don't understand what you're problem is with me.
On the flip side, the person can deliberately twist the other's words to manipulate the conversation. Happens with me all the time. We finally did a couples counseling session and thankfully the counselor saw that and the lack of listening (nearly always interrupting when I'm trying to express myself and twisting my words). Counselor even had to interject and tell my partner, "That's not what I heard them say. What I heard you (said to me) say was .... Is that about right and what you're trying to say?" It was like a breath of fresh air to finally feel heard and listened to. My partner later told the counselor in an email that they didn't want to go to that counselor and said the counselor was being "smart" with them. So, I truly responded a lot with, "That's not what I said," "You're twisting my words," and so on. And it's frustrating to feeling like your partner doesn't listen to you or understand you and seemingly just twists words and picks fights. Example: They're berating me and I say, "Please, just give me some space. Leave me alone." And they respond with, "Oh, so you want me to leave and just wander the streets by myself? Wow! You're so unloving. I can't believe you want to kick me out of the house. But that's fine. I'll leave you alone. Hope I don't get killed out on the streets since you're kicking me out." It's truly mind-boggling.
"Slippery"... best word ever to describe narcissists. They never want to be pinned down- always keeping their options open to provide wiggle room to avoid accountability.
Yes. My ex was so slippery he would never sign an agreement of any kind-even if it was in his favour. His line was “only if I don’t have to sign anything” 🙄
So TRUE! They say they want Monogamy but what they don’t say is only when it suits them. They want what they want when they want it. They want you to be monogamous to them But that rule doesn’t apply to them. Notorious for making and breaking their Rules constantly
They don’t say they’re sorry or ever ask for forgiveness. They stonewall, criticize, abuse and lie till you die inside and only revive and survive by permanently leaving them.
@@Hopelessromantic666 That really depends on the situation, in a rare ocassion (when totally cornered) they might fake it. In my personal experience i've seen one think about another situation that actually hurted him (always personal gain related) then use those tears to fake it. Pardon my french but they can be crafty and sneaky sons of bitches. My qeustion for yourself would be "Does this person say sorry and ask for forgiveness on a regular basis, or is it extremely rare?
"You are overreacting." "Stop being so emotional." "Why are you blaming _me_ for _your_ shortcomings?" "You got that wrong." "You don't know what you are talking about." The first two can really drive you crazy, and especially when you are a very sensitive person to begin with, they turn out to be disastrous.
I got you never take blame for things that you do. Defending my self apparently means I wasn't taking responsibility. She was upset at me for being depressed.
@@jmlkhan5153 Oh I _despise_ that one. That was my ex wife's go-to card whenever I would enforce my personal boundaries. She'd start off by trying to guilt me saying things like, "I just want to love you! Why won't you let me love you? What did I do to deserve this kind of treatment?" then when I wouldn't fall for such obvious bait, she'd throw out the "You're doing this on purpose to punish me! You want to destroy my emotions, don't you?"
I honestly saw a demon walk into a narc i know. They are demon-invested. Stay away from them. They especially like to attack the people of God. I dont think they are human. Once they have allowed the demon(s) in, they are dangerous and dead spirit. Notice their black piercing dead eyes. Stay away from them.
Took going to therapy to realize I spent the first 35 years of my life dealing with a narcissist. Almost everything on this list is used regularly. You're doing good work. Thank you.
🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂😁😁 OMG! I wanna see the narc in my life be on that show! They'd feel so special & important at first only to realize their every action, behavior, & interaction was caught on film & broadcast to the whole world how they try to manipulate & control everybody & everything they come into contact with. GAME OVER
@@tbd5082 not far behind u I'm 41, but u know what I thank the Most High for exposing the sickness so I can heal, and be what He want me to be. How the Most High sees me in his minds eye. Love and Light to you 'Dear One' lol
Their response is I dont remember that. When you send them a recording of what they said then it is your twisted or who records people conversation. ( so they always turn it around on you).
@@1983shawty , yeah, perfect! Now that recording is simple, the narcissist comes with "Gee, are you sick and twisted! What on earth makes you go around recording other people?" (Or better yet 🤪: "I could sue you on that, you know..." 😄) #giveusabreak
My mother literally once spoke down to me about my body, and when I repeated back to her what she’d said she replied “I didn’t say that, that’s so cruel, I would never say something like that; you must have misunderstood” and I literally heard my brain break.
@@MrsABC7997 Seems like any accomplishment I get they try to downplay and one up you, and they try to bring up flaws about you to one up themselves where it's always about them, it's truly pathetic.
DO IT!!!! It will be the best decision of your life. I feel incredibly satisfied knowing I'm alone with no family. It's better to be alone than to be with people who make you go crazy. My Dad died last year and at his funeral my mother was doing her usual game playing and setting up situations to make her look like a saint in front of people whose opinions essentially do not matter. It's ok though. I hadn't seen them before he died and I plan on never seeing my mother ever again unless she is dead. Silence is the only way to be heard with narcissists. It sounds very cut throat what i have said but those people never loved me. Maybe it's the same with you. If you go it alone a whole other world opens up to you and you can finally start living your own life. Good luck whatever you do. God bless you.
Because I'm an Athiest my parents think that it gives them a reason to kick me out, I'm also a full time student and I've explained to them that there isn't anyway I could finish school if they were to kick me out, I just turned 21 and I'm almost finished with my associates, they have this mindset that someone can work full time and go to school full time which is mathematically impossible and when I try to explain this to them they say they do not care. These people have never gone to college and they haven't even finished highschool, they are deeply religious and they even believe in conspiracies. I even sent them this to explain to them how mathematically it's not possible to do full time school and work, So one credit hour = one hour in class, 15 credit hours equals full time school, which is 3-4 hours of your day in class and an additional 2-3 hours of homework outside of class, I take 16 credit hours a semester. So full time just counting classes is 48 hours, multiply that by 3 is 144 hours a week, there is 168 hours in a week, 144 minus 168 is 24 hours left over, that means even if you weren't to eat in between classes you only have 24 hours left over to work. It is impossible to work full time and do school full time.
I confided in my ex that I went through anger management as a kid. She used it against me and told me she was scared I would hurt her after yelling at me until I lost my cool. That I had an anger problem that was out of control when I never got angry outside of these interactions.
Or told to calm down and lower my voice when I wasn't even upset or raising my voice to begin with. That's a major trigger for me as my stepdad did that crap all throughout my childhood - or he'd tell me to "fix my face" if I was upset and dared to show any sort of anger on my face. VillainousFiend Same here, friend. I have worked very hard all of my life to learn to keep my temper in check, and 99% of the time I'm successful, but my narc will intentionally trigger me then, like yours, will use that against me in much the same way. She'll hide behind the excuse "I was abused and raped so raised voices are a trigger for me!" My response is, "Well, you don't care about hitting my triggers, why should I care about hitting yours?"
@@Dargonhuman Yea, my mom screaming at me to never raise my voice at her was something that affected my interactions for many years. I spent twenty years gaslit into thinking I had an anger management problem, backing down from every confrontation, always over-compromising to my own disadvantage, always falsely afraid of my own emotions and reactions. It really holds a person back, when they think that they are the crazy one every time.
“You, of all people, should be the one who understands me.” “I already did this and this for you. What more do you want?” “You’re just expecting too much from me” Everytime you bring up an issue.
I can take "I'm sorry you feel that way", but please follow it up with "Can we talk about WHY you feel that way?". My narcissist ex-wife could never do that. Maddening.
I don't see where this is a gas lighting phrase. There are valid contextual reasons someone might say this where gas lighting is not described. Why try to prejudge a person's motive without further questioning?
Also when u try to talk to a NARC about your relationship issues they will tell ya "your just trying to start an argument". My narc told me that every time. You really can't reason with them.
@@oklahomaisok exactly. I gave up on have g conversation about it a long time ago. Every time it's exactly what thisnlady says. She just says I'm trying to start an argument or deflects to me pointing out my flaws w/o accepting or acknowledging and flaws in herself.
This man deserves a Nobel Peace Prize! It's pure gold! If you have any doubts or confusion about what's going on in your relationship you owe it to yourself to listen to this man! And read the comments because you learn a lot!
Oh my goodness, that was Linda 35 years ago. That experience took me down to my core. It was an accelerated learning project. The therapist I first consulted was one of her flying monkeys, probably an equally damaged individual.
My narc after punishing me with hours of silence comes in the room acting like nothing has happened. He will not acknowledge anything whether it is a fight, disagreement or he just felt insulted and went off to pout. Lately it feels like he doesn’t even need a reason for the silent treatment anymore. But then he will come in the kitchen like nothings wrong and say oh, hows it going or do you need anything or what are we having for dinner? It drives me crazy. If I try and talk about it we go in circles and never get anywhere.
Mine has a clever ego, so will say it, but not mean it. This way, he feels he can claim to be respectful and sincere, although he really has no concept of what those words really mean. It feels like it is all superficial, play-acting, behaving in whatever way gets him what he wants - complete control over every moment.
Some narc would say "I am sorry you feel this way" to look like they are apologizing but they are actually gaslighting you (by suggesting that you shouldn't feel that way).
Ok but ive said "if you loved me you would... LISTEN to me,...take me on a date, make me breakfast sometime, ask about my day, say i love you from time to time ... am i a narcissist too?
That's why I like only having conversations via text. So when they deny something or create something, there's physical proof as to what was actually said.
@@3_up_moon An experienced narc NEVER leaves a paper trail or any evidence whatsoever. Everything is behind your back or no witnesses and in person. They may answer your text in a very acceptable manner but what goes on behind your back will be something else so don't think you are safe. (And if they promise something in writing and fail to do it? "It's not my fault" and one of their flying monkeys will cheerfully take the rap. I had THREE flying monkeys cheerfully claim guilt for something my hubby actually did. Oldest trick in the books. All three could not have done it so everyone gets off. Many have escaped murder convictions that way...no one can prove WHO fired the fatal bullet.)
This is 110% so accurate....I have finally responded by walking away..ulsers will heal..sleep will return..eventually your tears will flow less often and you will enjoy life once more...thank you. ..so much for another great one Dr. C.
Dear @Heather Whittaker your words hit me so hard, İ am in a bedroom with my son ,alone ,desperate ,wondering will İ ever be fine after all this mess of marriage with narcissistic husband and your words gave me a new strenght . Maybe İ am too emotionally tonight ,but İ just wanted to thank you 🙏
@@unamel4282 Bless you Una..You will look back and wonder how you weren't crying for joy today...Right now you are crying for what could have been..the dream...Hug you son anc be thankful you have him and have the strength to move forward and make a greater life for the two of you...I believe in you,,you've come this far..don't look back...just take a deep breath and feel the relief...blessings....
@@unamel4282 All of us who read this are with you, we have been there too. We hear you, we are sending you thoughts and prayers of support for you and your son 🤗💜 You and your son deserve a better life than that. You got this Mama!!!! 💜💜💜
You’re too sensitive If you keep acting this way you will be alone If you keep acting this way you will end up just like your mother Your sister is stupid Your mom isn’t smart Witch Jezebel I mean I think I’m the problem but idk If I make him upset like putting the pillow on the bed that was dirty bc I was trying to get all the covers washed bc the cat was on the bed I was sleep deprived bc of having a baby and forgot and I got called idiot something was wrong with me i was balling my eyes out and was told you don’t care about my feelings it was a mistake and before I could apologize I got called stupid and idiot and that whole night I was crying on my side the next morning he was upset cause I didn’t comfort him bc I made him upset . So I’m really thinking I might be the problem I just don’t know . I also get told I’m too sensitive when something he says or does upset me . You ask me before you do anything You ask me before you text anything
May I PLEZE use that one? BRILLANT!!!!! Still Laughing SO hard it HURTS!!!! T.Y. !!!! U JUST MAFE 2020❣TRULY What a "GOD-SHOT"🤣🤣🤣🤣 BLESS YOUR SOUL!✌😊 SINCERELY....in these × LEVITY( LAUGHTER.... IS PRECIOUS COMMODITY .... WOULDN'T THE WORLD BE GREAT...IF LAUGHTER AND JOY WERE OUR ONLY CURRENCY???? IS 4 ME! AGAIN BLESS YOU 😇! I am still LITERALLY LOL !!!! 🌎🕊❤😊🧚♀️
Mine kept saying I don't remember and I forgot I don't remember and I forgot. We had a 52-day countdown to get packed and moved. They didn't get it done. So they needed another 30 days okay they still weren't done after that 30 days so another 30 days and I said look I can't keep doing this I've got to get moved unpacked and get on with my life! Will you know what I'm going to say. That 30 days ended and they still weren't ready to move. So I said well I told you and unlike you my words and my actions are the same. I told them that at the end of the last 30 day extension that if we weren't done moving in I would be done. And that all of their things would be moved back into their home and I would be living in my home alone. So I had them move whatever they had moved into my house back over to their house! I think they were surprised. Best decision I've ever made. I'm still rearranging furniture and unpacking boxes but at least I'm not met with daily resistance and all the other Soul draining confusion that goes with being around a narc.
I broke up with a guy, he was crying and I felt bad until he told me how disappointed my family and people I know would be for breaking it off with him. I never felt bad about my decision after he said that, it was like a cold hardness settled in my chest. I knew what he was in that moment and I never looked at him without seeing him for what he was after that, I saw him for the predator he was.
Narc response: “Maybe I did, but YOU (insert here)”. They can flip that thing like a pancake. I cannot post my response here. Talk amongst yourselves. 🙄😳
Marci Robins ... Oh, I am very familiar with this one. I can’t believe that I am always “wrong”, but according to narc, I am old, forgetful, and never right.
My narc FIL was exactly as you describe. He would never ask anyone outright to do something for him or to get something for him. He just kept dropping hints until his trained minions - wife and adult children - picked up on his hints at last and JUMPED to fulfill his wishes. Afterward, his reaction . . . "Oh...I didn't expect this. Well . . .[very blandly and unconvincingly] thank you." I once saw one SIL and her husband cancel at the last minute (just hours before) a social date they had made a month before with another couple. They clearly didn't see anything wrong with leaving their friends in the lurch at the last minute in order to suck up to the entitled narc.
I never asked our bosses to talk to you! I was just so visibly frustrated from across the room that he wandered over of his own accord to ask me what was happening! IM mad at HIM for interfering! Why arent you on MY side, i thought we were in this together!
@@jmlkhan5153 Ugh, that last part "Why aren't you on MY side", and by extension, "You never defend me!" and "Stop making excuses for me!" were the worst things with my narc. She couldn't grasp that explaining to the people she was berating that she was having a bad day wasn't "making excuses" but actually defending her without making a scene. She was of the opinion that defending her meant getting just as angry as she was and yelling at people then threatening to sue them (to clarify, she loves telling people she's going to sue them but in the 11 years I've known her, she has yet to take a single person to court).
Re: #8, the way my boss does this one is he creates all kinds of chaos/drama around work, then when everyone else is ticked off he accuses them of being the dramatic ones.
You are imagining all of this. You are overly sensitive. I don't know what you are talking about. I was just joking. I didn't say/do that. I can't remember that/that never happened. So? Best of all: just silence
"I don't remember that"....this phrase is the most frequently used gaslighting technique that I hear all the time. It works because,.. how can you be sorry for something you simply don't remember doing or saying? This is quickly followed by...."All I am saying is that I think I would remember that incident, IF it happened". This is the passive aggressive way of implying that you just completely made it up. And then comes,..."Is it possible that You could be mistaken?" The implication here is that no accountability is needed when the facts are just so unclear. Next, softly, and with Oscar winning sincerity, comes the famous question..."do you think you might have dreamed that?" Okay, so this just says you are so crazy that you can't tell reality from a dream. Soon after that comes..."you know, you are always looking for there to be blame, why do you need to find fault so often?" Now, this means that You are the problem here, and maybe you should seek some help with Your issues. Then finally comes the patronizing...Are you having a bad day? Did someone upset you today? This question implies and suggests that the problem Never Ever was with them at all. The "Real" problem was that You just needed to take out your frustrations on someone and, well, it just so happened to be them. And there you have it, the successful denial of any responsibility whatsoever. Yeah...pretty much got this down to a science. Unfortunately, knowing this doesn't make it any easier to deal with them.
Another one: "You've got to look at it from my perspective" or the related, "How do you think I feel?" Both imply that you're being selfish and insensitive whenever you talk about your own thoughts, feelings, or needs.
Another one is, "believe what you wanna believe." " your just trying to start an argument ". " what everyone says about you is true". The list goes on and on.
@@christinar2039 Hi! Yep! Everytime I get to pointing out his trouble making ways thts what i get. When i ask who's everyone they dont respond or i ask what's said about me..... dead silence or they just repeat the statement. Classic deflection!
@@toni_60505 That's what EXACTLY what my ex-gf was doing to me and when calmly I asked "who said it"...Nothing but crickets chirping except of her telling me it doesn't matter who said it (I knew that she was full of s**t, but after the break-up (she discarded me for a new supply) a mutual friend had told me that she was seeing someone else (the new supply) while with me, and confronted my ex about it (was also calm and non-combative, even though she always like to say that I am whenever I call her out on her bs, but never have a problem being on the war path whenever I mess up during our relationship) she completely lost her shit in rage, asking me who said as if a guilty person would when backed into a corner by evidence and still claim that it's lies, and yet their true nature exposed bare... She was in a panic that her cloak was removed... Such a vile creature she turned out to be.
i feel an apology should acknowledge, : what you did, how it made the other person feel, and what you'll do to make sure it doesn't happen again. never use the word BUT in the apology. and a true, real apology does as much (if not more) for the apologizer than it does for the one getting the apology. this is totally real.
An apology is not acceptable and less the behavior also changes. You can say I'm sorry a hundred times yet if that person keeps repeating that behavior 99 times you're getting screwed
“Name one specific time I did that.” “Well I don’t know an exact date. I don’t have a recording.” “........so you have NO evidence that I’ve EVER done that.”
My collection so far: 1. It never happened. 2. I didn't say that. 3. Did I say that? Really? 4. You dreamt it. 5. You feel it wrong (...I will tell you how you feel or how you should feel...) 6. It's your fantasy. 7. You misunderstood because you are too sensitive. 8. Oh, I didn't mean it. I'm just an old woman talking too much (...about your private matters or smearing you...) + 1. Oh, that's not a big deal. (belittling my observation when I make a remark about something she said) They just deny, deny and deny or defend themselves cowardly as soon as they start realizing that the other person has good memory and remembers every detail and when they are caught off-guard.
@@spiderok8663 No, I don't. But they are all the same. Sometimes I feel that they all get the same users' manual at the start, that's why they say and do more or less the same things...
1. "We just don't communicate" = I don't like what you're saying 2. "If I did anything wrong, I'm sorry" = You didn't interpret me correctly 3. "You just wont let go of the past" = We already talked about it. The book is closed. 4. "That wasn't me" = I don't want to take responsibility for your interpretation of me 5. "I wasn't angry, I was just blowing off steam" = You're interpreting me wrong, don't hold me accountable for my anger 6. "It's not what you think" = Don't make me responsible for what I did 7. "After all I've done for you" = A few nice things should pacify you 8. "Relax, you're making a big deal out of nothing" = You have poor judgment
And they’re MASTERS at that aren’t they? I swear they must study how to do that. The ability to twist a conversation so that they are the victim every time is mind boggling.
@@tallem6233 Yup. And even if I am the wrong one and apologize, she acts like I never made an apology at all and will keep bringing it up sometimes years later. That's why I stopped apologizing; I figure if I'm going to get raked over the coals anyway, then there's no need to further debase myself by trying to make it right, especially if I wasn't the one who started the fight to begin with.
HOPE, KNOWLEDGE, VALIDATION, SUPPORT....I would not possibly be here today to try & express the emotions/feelings I have ..PLEASE know you are saving lives, making a difference, giving hope back where it had been lost, seemingly forever. I was led (yes I believe that) to these videos (& to these certain videos) for the lifeline they are....for the first time as I endure the "cycle" of destruction I have been swallowed up in, I FINALLY see a light at the end of this dark tunnel & it is NOT A TRAIN headed straight at me!..I have known this was "not right", but I didn't know why? WHO could truly act like this, treat someone like this? There really is something WRONG WITH ME! I am a horrible person...to have these videos to run to for support, validation, tools, is literally LIFE SAVING...there is no shame, no condensation, no blame, and when needed I can find help in the moment. ...in my case the attacks come in the wee hours or on Fridays ( when he knew I would not or could not, reach out to someone, or I was headed to work the night shift)...When you don't know where or to whom to turn or what you are even dealing with, you curl up into the fetal position & avoid life. You don't even know you are going thru the motions anymore. I had reached a point...that the fight was too much, the losses to great, the humiliation overwhelming & there was no point, to anything. Then the attacks ramped up & suddenly I became the true bad guy, the liar, the abuser, etc.; I was mentally ill and needed medical help. Threats, bullying ramped up, trash talk to start an argument, from the minute I got up til I finally would loose my control & he won, it was non stop. Talk about a head game. I had no fight left so I became so angry, mean. I hated myself & him, because it seemed such reward to him. If I had not discovered these videos that I could go to for the support, validation, hope you give...the KNOWLEDGE!! I don't know if I would still be here to ramble on like this! lol... I have so many questions, stories, awful stories a decent caring human being should not have. The most important thing I want to say right now is THANK YOU! Because you and others were here, on your videos in those dark hours of fear, hopelessness, desperation. Because financially I have been so devastated by this person, I could not seek any professional one on one help now. And as things crumble in , poof, he is gone in a sneaky minute, leaving me to deal, clean up & figure out how to dig out. Now I can make a game plan because I know how to deal with the non stop barrage of accusations, threats, etc meant to destroy me. Whats amazed me is to hear the delusional ideas that are suddenly appearing. Oh wow. ....I wasn't going to do this ramble, but please know your kindness of sharing you experiences, knowledge and putting it out there will make a difference in so many lives. Its the lifeline in those darkest of moments of doubt....gratitude, Grace, Peace...so simple, so easily destroyed.
💞🙏🏻💞 Thank God for letting you find this. It can be a slow healing, however, remind yourself often it was all lies and delusion with the mind games for only his control to meet whatever agenda he had schemes up. Stand firm with no contact is best way to go 👍🏻 your beautiful and none of this was your fault. It will be so easy to recognize narcissist now and to know their games which you will be able to shut down and the world is full of them as the world is full of empaths and compassionate people too. Prayers to all of us 🙏🏻
"I'm sorry you feel that way." "Let's not rehash ancient history." "Everyone is saying..." "People/We were talking..." "The thing I said/did doesn't reflect my character/feelings/who I am."
In summery..."Gas lighting", from a Narcissist, is to create a doubt in what you think about their behavior. They are trying to control you by making you feel wrong or crazy.
I'm the drama queen who makes a big deal over nothing ( being lied to, being gas lit, being invalidated, being manipulated.....all nothing) constantly being insulted on the sly, wish I had a nickel for everytime I heard your too smart for your own good....real meaning stop recognizing I'm abusing you, and your life will go better.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” “Don’t you think that’s kinda weird?” “Do you think you’re perfect?” “You always try to cut me down” “You’re just like everybody else”
Okay, this one bothers me. I am constantly sticking my foot in my mouth. I usually start off an apology with that phrase, but I do my best not to do whatever it was again.
Haha! We've coined the term "Crisis of the Day" because she's always thinking everything that ever happens is a crisis. That's all we have to say to mutually understand what we're being faced with & what that means to us. Apparently both myself & hubby recently told her, independently of each other & not as a planned thing, "This is not a crisis! Calm down and stop over reacting!" Because she literally freaks out over something every single day at least once.
@@return2basics242 That's my ex wife in a nutshell. Her food isn't the right temperature? She's going to starve today because she can't eat it! No cold sodas in the fridge? She's going to die of thirst, despite there being plenty of fruit juice, iced tea, milk, water and other things to drink, not to mention freshly made ice in the freezer to pour a warm soda over if it's that dire... There's also a McDonald's about a five minute drive away to get a $1 ice cold soda at, and no less than 4 convenience stores along the way with coolers full of cold sodas. Most recently, she tried to make an appointment with her doctor to get some sores looked at but they couldn't get her in until November, so the nurse suggested she go to an urgent care clinic if she was worried, which she did because she is convinced that they're a staph infection and she needs antibiotics. The doctor at the clinic looked at them and said, "It doesn't look like staph or anything else you would need antibiotics for." Her response? He was calling her a liar and that he should listen to her and just give her the antibiotics, that visit was just a waste of time, he got his license out of a cereal box, etc. just because he didn't tell her what she wanted to hear. She literally invented a crisis out of nothing because her sores weren't staph, and most likely resulted from a heat rash or allergic reaction to something.
Yet can go out and cheat and find another woman to talk to hours on end to lovebomb her ,even though I'm available to talk he says not matured enough, I'm 28 & he is 35 cheating on me with a older woman, I feel like he is looking for someone to mother him because he was neglected growing up
This is the most eye opening video I’ve ever watched. Thank you! I hate being told “You’re crazy!” “Calm down” “I can’t keep it real with you” “Why you keep bringing up the past” “You shouldn’t feel that way” (after he’s done or said something to hurt me or my feelings) How are you gonna tell ME how I should feel? All these years of suffering. I feel partial blame because ultimately I have control over my own life. And I LET this person ruin me. I was a different person before this horrible relationship.
“I think it’s your hormones” “You must have dreamt it” “You keep bringing up the past” “You’re going to have to give me some context” because they know you don’t have a conversation and the situation memorized verbatim, and voilá they are off the hook!
Ohh my goodness, yes!! When I became very upset at some very inconsiderate behavior, I waa to it must be my hormones and that I'm probably going through the "change". 🤣😔
Omgosh yes! I always get 'have you go an example' I've started writing things down to which he replies 'oh I'm that bad you have to keep track to remind me'
Gaslighters are confusion makers! I like This definition. We must be confident in a calm way and never forget to think and trust ourselves. The narcisists want us to feel not think. We must not fall into that pit. Thank you for your help and support dr Carter.
My Narc gaslit me into believing I had a mental illness, she was so convincing with their extensive knowledge of personality disorder information. They'd tell me " i know you have bipolar/BPD/etc, I've seen these symptoms in my other afflicted friends", "I know what I'm talking about, I have BPD too", "you need medication/therapy, trust me". After going no contact for 3 months I haven't had any of those "symptoms".
Yikes, I relate to this. I was told her therapist remotely suggested I was a narcissist without having ever met me, and then from that point on she kept trying to convince me that I had a personality disorder and used the professional reputation of her therapist to make me question my reality (via triangulation). In reality, it was extremely likely that she had one or more Cluster B personality disorder as she had been evaluated for some in the past (the results were inconclusive -- she had some traits of multiple disorders but not enough of any one to qualify for official diagnosis), and I *think* she was projecting. That's not to say I was the pure good guy in that whole equation -- I walked away with a lot of guilt for my part of that mess. But no matter what I said I couldn't get through to her -- she kept twisting my words and framing them in the least generous possible light, while describing herself as this spiritual empath who couldn't possibly do anything wrong. I was so wired in by guilt and pity for her, because she had told me the most devastatingly heartbreaking stories about her life on our first date, that I made excuses for all her bad behavior and internalized all of her criticisms. In the end it took one of my female friends to read our exchanges and tell me "if you were a woman I would ask you not to see them again; I don't think the fact that you are a man should change my reaction." That really woke me up. I have never had any problems like that with anyone before her or after her, while she seemed to leave a trail of burned bridges and bodies in her past, but she rationalized it as "they were narcissists or psychopaths or codependent or had some other personality disorder" and she would either avoid telling those stories or she would tell stories that rationalized her horrible behavior (e. g. she legally blackmailed a friend who was ignoring her "to try to save the friendship, because it was such an important friendship"). Yet despite all that... she constantly framed herself as a highly-sensitive empath, while she slowly planted seeds to make me believe I was somehow pathological (my emotions were stunted from a deep depression at the time, and she tried to imply I might be a psychopath repeatedly). Literally has me questioning my reality to this day, even though rationally I know it was probably mostly her in the wrong.
@@ryanprussin I dare say that that has been exactly her ulterior motive right from the start. So the next time someone brings up his/her "terrible past", take that as an indicator instead that something is sorely amiss with that person. Most likely that one is just playing the victim card to garner sympathy and/or pity in order to get a free pass on anything obnoxious that is likely to come up. If you notice such a behavior, get out of there ASAP!
Me: “Stop arguing with me.” Narc: “I’m not arguing. I’m just trying to have a conversation.” / Narc:: “I apologize for ‘all of it.’” (Two days later when it’s pointed out he’s doing the very thing he said he was sorry for ten million times but won’t stop doing it and now he’s being held accountable for it- AGAIN...) “I said i was sorry for that.” / Narc: (after biting the kids’ head off...) “I’m not mad.” Narc’s flying monkey: “He’s under a lot of stress. You should appreciate all he does for you.” / Narc: “I didn’t do that.” Me: “I literally JUST watched you do it.” Narc: “No. i didn’t do that.” / Narc: “My behavior isn’t THAT bad.” / Narc: (after he watches a Dr.C video...) “I don’t do what he’s saying.” Me: “You might not do EXACTLY what he’s saying but you definitely do a VERSION of what he’s saying.” Narc: “No. I don’t do that.” / Me: “Let me give you an example.” Narc: “You need to stop holding that against me.” Me: (head in hand... dear lord!) / Narc: “I don’t call because i don’t want to start any arguments.” Me: “Then just don’t start any arguments!” (Meanwhile kids wonder why he never calls.) / Narc: “You expect me to be perfect.” Me: “I don’t expect perfection. But i do expect appropriate.” Narc: (gaslights and it all starts all over again.)
My husband will jump up and down screaming at the top of his lungs like a raving idiot ,red faced and smoke coming out of hid ears " you won't listen to me "
Amy L I have walked away. I share for the sake of those who are in the same spot i was before i had learned it is a literal form of narcissism. Having something (or someone) to relate to makes all the difference in empowerment.
Having come out the other side of a narcissistic relationship, this all sounds familiar. But at the time, I was just baffled, confused, utterly vulnerable and broken down.
My favorite: “You’ll see, it’s gonna be different” “I do love you and care about you I just don’t wanna argue” “I know what you need from me idk how to give it” (after already showing me he can) “I’m sorry for making you feel that way” (after doing the same thing he apologized for the day before) “If I did something wrong I would admit it” (**never admits anything**) He does not find anything wrong with anything he says or does. Never will. Yet what makes it so hard to distance myself?? I need help lol
"You're the one who said/did it, you tell me. Go on, I dare you. Or is it that what you said/did was simply so mind boggingly asinine that the very person who said/did it cannot even admit they even said/did it, never mind explain or justify it? So what chance has the person who's subjected to this b/s got of explaining it? How many Jews do think could explain why Hitler was doing what he did to them?"
Whenever the narc in my life would “apologize” it was like they were reading from a script and mixed in with the apology would be tons of ways to turn everything back on me
Doc, isn't it more about their minimizing your feelings then what they say? I've had several of these things said by a safe person and things are easily resolved when we sit down to share, but if it is to minimize your feelings or refusing responsibility, that's a game changer.
@@chimene3851 Thank you for you reply, it is appreciated. My take on this is I can't agree totally with 'why are you bringing that up again' statement are all narc either Lisa. If it's dismissive, to avoid a resolution, then yes! However, many have long memories, because past hurts may need to be reminded to protect from a repeat. We are hopeful those that 'say' they love us, do sincerely want to protect us from hurt, especially from them. But the minute we find this, not the case, we need to run and not minimizes the disrespectful, unloving treatment! Not stick around to figure out, what, and why! We set ourselves up for abusive treatment by staying with them, and fall deeper into the head games to our detriment. A Codependent has been trained to think of other, not themselves. Ironically this is a great gift. Now we need to heal by getting to know 'who we are', what we even like, what WE want, need, and hope for by developing healthy boundaries. We are so worth it! We don't need other's 'permission', when we realize we have God's approval. God bless you on your journey to healing sister. 💌
Spot 👏🏽 on 👏🏽 My ex narc boyfriend would say “I’m sorry *if* you feel that way,” and I’d be like ...I don’t just feel that way. I’d tell him, it’s not your past, it’s a pattern and it’s happening to me now too. 17 months of hell and two and a half months free now, thank God!
kiara brown I get tongue tied when I’m in a confrontation. My thoughts are messy and I have a lack of confidence to speak my truth. I’m in need of work there. My parents never taught me how to be brazen. It was not in their parenting...which is hard because I’ve been in some hard places over the years!!
Whenever I call out my narc on phrasing something in a way that alludes to how they really feel. Yeah okay. You didn't mean to SAY IT that way, but that's what you meant 🙃🙃🙃
The funniest thing I found is that when someone is gaslighting and lying the best response is, "Oh, that's interesting." It's one of the best bc they like to always be in control and this never fails to make them go crazy, get furious, and lose control. not only does it shatter the image they set for themselves but it also brings their true nature to the attention of others.
I do that too and stay calm. I finally lost it a few days ago because.of the ridiculousness of what she was saying! I losty temper, but still kept laughing. She has backed up lately, but I think you hats cuz he Rd 39 yeT old unemployed son is living with us...
the other thing that happens. upper management take note: the work itself is blocked. blocked, blocked. so that the workers produce good work, but the results get nowhere and everything goes around and around. don't blame the workers. maybe your middle management is blocking the workers while they are trying to maintaining their own defunct job.
- I've never said it. - You've dreamt it. - You've misunderstood. - I've never done it. - I'd never do it. - You've done the same. - You are lying! - You deserved it.
- That is not what I meant. Okay, what did you mean by saying " You are not hurt by me, your lying." " I was referring to how your not hurt by you hurting me." Placing the blame on if I am hurt, I did it to myself and that she never was hurtful. LOL
You never saw what you saw with your own two eyes! You have no idea about what you've experienced in your own life! You don't even know what you know to be true!🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
My father's favorite version of number 2 is "I'm sorry you choose to feel that way," whenever I ask for an apology. I've heard this non-apology for over 40 years.
My 54 year old narc says, "He's doing it, too, but you didn't say nothing" (sic). And after he is finished with a fake rant to get me to stop talking about things that do not show him in the beautiful light in which he paints himself, he "threateningly" says, "Questions?" He told ME that I am hard to get along with because I ask him questions (after I find out that he lied). If I ask about something that is not related to sports, he calls me an interrogater. For example, if I ask him why he disallows our children to come in the den to talk to me while we are watching TV, he says, "I preferred to stay in my room alone all evening when I came home from school; therefore, the children should, too. Questions?" He also makes psychotic faces at the most inappropriate times. His attempts at smiling are cringy.
@@tammyhollis1519 Wow, treating you and the kids like that is a serious issue. They cannot grow up like that, he needs to go bye bye. Good riddance to bad trash. Don't deal with that crap, especially if it's a threatening tone and demeanor. Make a plan and move forward for both you and your kids sakes. Go find happiness and peace. ☮
The longer you spend with people who cause you to question yourself, the more it will erode your self-confidence… and the harder it is to undo later in life. You learn the patterns and you conform to them just so you don’t “rock the boat,” and soon it becomes enough of a habit that you begin to attract people who would love nothing more than to hold your puppet strings. It’s something I’m still working on, but being able to recognize it is a huge step towards addressing it. Thank you for helping me and everyone else, Dr. Carter. This is important information.
I started taping my ex narc at the end so he couldn’t say that didn’t happen or he never said that or try to turn stuff around on me. It helped me regain my sense of what was real by listening to it again - trauma bond and cognitive dissonance made me believe him every single time. The review of conversations helped to remind me that he was gaslighting me and to believe in myself.
Me too-the last 2 months before I left him. When i told him i recorded everything, just a few days before i left him, first he was shocked then he FLIPPED OUT! He put me through hell. I lived in PURE HELL during the 11 months we were married. A PURE COVERT MALIGNANT NARCOPATH
Did the same at the suggestion of a professional. I was so confused I was asking people if I what I was saying made sense in just general conversation and their look and response when I would ask this started to be telling. I asked my therapist this and that was when things turned. After listening to about two weeks of our taped conversations there was no going back. My eyes were open. But then it got dangerous because he could see they were open. Then my phone mysteriously went missing. Then I almost mysteriously went missing... but it got loud and someone called 911. “This isn’t what it looks like” said the narc to the police. They believed him.
@@mariasartzis-pellicier1723 I'm over 25 years with the covert, wounded female type. I stayed the last 12 or so years because of our child. As far as I can tell, my nervous system shut down, and I'm trying to dig myself out now. I can't imagine being a woman and that attitude being in a man. It would be horrible Different levels of this are the norm in society, at least as far as I can guesstimate. Sorry for the h*ll you went through. Teach the children about this. If they know early enough, maybe they can consciously over-ride the fall into a pathological obsession with their animalistic greed at the expense of those who get in their way.
@@wellnesspathforme6236 Thank you very much. Thankfully we have no children together. We met and married later in our lives. We were both in our fifties. He has NO relationship and no contact with his natural remaining adult child or his step children. He has no friends either. Not even one! I should have known something was wrong... But he hid his narcissism AND his mental illness really quite well. He is a TRUE COVERT narc. Road to recovery from narc abuse can be long. But it CAN be done! I'm slowly healing. YOU CAN do it too! If you want to see who we are, our wedding was featured and published in the New York Times. Google Maria and Oscar Pellicier. Best wishes to you! Take care and be WELL!
@@mariasartzis-pellicier1723 Thanks. I actually have a theory as to how narcissism is being engineered by the families that privately control the global zero-sum game debt-based money systems. Search out Morley Robbins on YT and see what he has to say about systemic iron overload and the depletion of ceruloplasmin-bound copper and magnesium. There is a protein in the inflammazone called NLRP3, and when it senses toxic iron, it triggers the inflammazone INSIDE THE CELL. It is called the "fear, or danger, sensor" of the cell. Narcs appear to be based on fear. Fear of not getting their way. Fear of not being valuable if they don't get their way. But the key, IMHO, is that they have a default "fear" signal coming from INSIDE THEIR CELLS. Supply, when properly understood, becomes the narc's search for what they consider to be positive "noise" to drown out the fear "signal" INSIDE THEIR CELLS. This works great for the controlling monetary oligarchy. First, because many of these narcs will associate money with supply, and will do whatever they are paid to do. The Money Power ultimately controls these people. Second, because some of these people become disabled and are no threat to the bigger system. Look up "calcium shell.". The apparent reason calcium skyrockets is because iron triggers the enzyme that breaks down bone. The excess calcium has to go somewhere . Magnesium sparks the enzymes that builds bones, but too much iron depleted magnesium. Especially the metallic iron in "fortified" foods Odds are very high your ex didn't other people (and you). Maybe he had obvious paranoia. This is fear-based. Also, was he most aggressive (over the many haul) in the mornings? This may have been his effort to drown out the fear signal from INSIDE HIS CELLS that rise to the top at bedtime. Anyway, food for thought if you are interested. Your wedding was in the New York Times? Somehow I don't think that happens to ordinary, non-Establishment people. Do you mind sharing the back story?
My housemate said this to me yesterday after stomping down the stairs and slamming doors then calling me the angry one. She came downstairs to pick a fight with me and then was like, "I don't have time for this." Why start it then? I was having a good time cuddling my dog. Ugh. I know she just wanted to get me worked up and I am so irritated with myself for falling for it.
Yes!! My ex would totally freeze, as if I wasn't even there and just ignore me.. I thought I was the only one and thought, no one else would be so crazy to do such a thing to someone.
Spot on Dr.! Pacification ad nauseum. I despise that phrase, “After all I have done for you”. Much more harm than guilt inducement, especially from a parent.
"That never happened" , "I never said that' they use that word "never" with so much confidence ...further showcasing the deliberate act to create self doubt where you are concerned🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️
Another great, informative video. Take-away: Don’t try to have an honest conversation with a narcissist because it will not happen. That does not mean that I am not honest, but it means that “they can’t handle the truth.” {movie reference}Thank you, Dr. C. Have a wonderful day!
😳 Do you know my mom? Mom: Me: Oh? What are you basing that on? Mom: I don't want to argue. Me: No, you want to want to verbally abuse your daughter and not have to defend your statements, because you can't.
The abusive N in my life: If they were verbally abusive and you tell someone they'd tell that person, "we were just talking!" If I confronted verbal abuse on the spot they'd say, "no one can talk to you!" If I confronted something they said previously, even if said in the same day, they'd say "I NEVER said that! You're LYING!" 😑
I was told "You need help" for so many years that I ended up going to a psychologist for months only to be asked "Don't you think HE has the problem?"
EXACTLY.
How about seeing a psych for years with the same conclusion. Other person refuses to see
a psych so Im back to coping with dealing with it.
our therapist asked me 'why won't you leave?" right in front of him. That lingered in my mind until I did finally leave.
I’ve heard that after I suggested marriage counseling. He said “there’s nothing wrong with me or our marriage you are the one who needs help”.
@@1969kellyp oh yea, I told my recent ex that my ex husband has said that to me which flipped the switch towards divorce, and later he repeated it word for word. As if daring me...and I broke up with him too.
In my opinion, the worst about living with a narcissist are the moods, the constant moodswings. Psychological warfare and blackmail. The taboo-topics you are not permitted to bring up. 🙄 The emotional negligence without a trace of regret. 😔
You called that. I can watch probably 12 changes within 15 minutes. I'll look at him and say You really are Nutso. Wow...
@@shirleybuck6918 sounds like my girlfriend Heather
@@falcon6995 earlier today after he'd rant then 2seconds later Do you want to go out to eat? I'll yell, Next, which one is it next? Batshit crazy. I started recording. KARMA MFR
@@defunctuserchannel taboo-topics translate into: "I make the rules and I call the tune". 😏
YES. Constant mood swings which creates so much anxiety for me. I never know what I’m going to get. And many topics cannot be discussed but yet I never communicate?! 🤔
"you're so difficult!" Difficult to control, thank you for the compliment
"I wish you would just act right"
What he really meant was I wish you would do what I say without challenging me. Um no! I have a mind of my own, my own thoughts and opinions!!!
Yep. The fact that I push back makes me such a bad narcissistic abuse victim 😂
😂 Love it!
Or you're so needy...
@@tracichapm4 oh yeah I love that one. 😡
I’ve never known a narcissist that would say any form of sorry.
The only "I'm sorry" that I get from my narc is followed up with curse words and it's screamed at me.
Can confirm, wife has yet to say sorry in 14 years. Closest I’ve ever gotten is “Sorry you took it that way.”
I never heard an apology
My lying narcissist did and then stopped and then started again you know 10 years into a 20-year marriage and a 30-year relationship. I never really believed it when I heard it.
I did once and it made them extremely uncomfortable they had to say it slowly like something was stuck in their throat
My parent's top 5 favorite phrases:
1. "That didn't happen "
2. "You don't remember it right "
3. "You don't really feel that way"
4. "You were always a difficult child "
5. "Don't you love me, why do you act like this?"
Bonus #6. "If you do/act/say (fill in the blank) then no one will ever want/love you."
And as always there is the self righteous anger
True
Yup, plus I got “you don’t know what you’re talking about “
Mom: Don't be mad, Don't be sad, Just be happy, I don't buy nice things for unhappy girls. You don't really like that pretty dress. We don't have enough money for the hospital. We don't have enough money for new glasses for you (until the school offered to call child protective services. I wish the doctor had thought of that about the hospital. Every year.) If you don't let me I will do it to Deb (my little sister). He didn't after I left so I think that was a bluff.
Yep! When I confronted my narc mother about physically abusing me I got “you were a very difficult child”😞
@@pearlgirl5643 I got the same answer to this question from my mother. They will not ever take responsibility for their abuse.
A favorite comeback for the "why are you always bringing up the past???" "because I am keeping count and you're about to hit the limit." Sets them off every time.
I do love your comeback!
"After all I have done for you" is a statement I have heard a million times.
"I'd have done it before you did all this for me if I'd known it was going to turn out like this."
Literally like they created the world for you. And they pretend like they do things for the people around them but would never do something that doesn’t benefit them
@@legendar3842 So true
After all I have done for you you're still alive?!
as if you owe them something for treating you poorly.
1) I never said that.
2) I did not mean that.
3) I can't remember saying that.
4) I never told you that.
5) You probably dreamt that.
6) You are so wrong again.
7) Guess you thought I said that.
8) Why would I ever say that, you know that I never would have.
12) You're always so negative.
***Facts are never positive to any Narc.
13. I didn’t say that. You’re crazy.
But if you use the same phrases because you know for a fact you never said or did what they accuse you of that's where you fall even more into gaslighting because they will tell you you are trying to manipulate them. Wife literally told me one thing and 30 mins after I brought it up and she said "I didn't say that" followed by "I am not going to let you gaslight me".
14) *IF* I did/said that it was probably because you [insert full irrational reason for their action]. But, I didn't. You're just always trying to make me sound like some kind of terrible person/monster/crazy person! I don't understand what you're problem is with me.
On the flip side, the person can deliberately twist the other's words to manipulate the conversation. Happens with me all the time. We finally did a couples counseling session and thankfully the counselor saw that and the lack of listening (nearly always interrupting when I'm trying to express myself and twisting my words). Counselor even had to interject and tell my partner, "That's not what I heard them say. What I heard you (said to me) say was .... Is that about right and what you're trying to say?" It was like a breath of fresh air to finally feel heard and listened to. My partner later told the counselor in an email that they didn't want to go to that counselor and said the counselor was being "smart" with them. So, I truly responded a lot with, "That's not what I said," "You're twisting my words," and so on. And it's frustrating to feeling like your partner doesn't listen to you or understand you and seemingly just twists words and picks fights.
Example: They're berating me and I say, "Please, just give me some space. Leave me alone." And they respond with, "Oh, so you want me to leave and just wander the streets by myself? Wow! You're so unloving. I can't believe you want to kick me out of the house. But that's fine. I'll leave you alone. Hope I don't get killed out on the streets since you're kicking me out." It's truly mind-boggling.
Narcist : You need to let go of the past
Also Narcist : *Randomly yells at you about something that happened 4 years ago.*
So hear this. So many times it's one rule for them, the opposite for me... Until it suited them to flip it on me.
This makes me laugh, bc it is so true.
YES. But the "why do you keep bringing this up" could come frome either side.
Omg this is spot on!
hahaha so accurate
"Slippery"... best word ever to describe narcissists. They never want to be pinned down- always keeping their options open to provide wiggle room to avoid accountability.
In fact they are so slick that even eels can learn from them. 🤮
Talking out of both sides of their mouth.
"Prove it",, if I had a nickle for every time I heard that one
Yes. My ex was so slippery he would never sign an agreement of any kind-even if it was in his favour. His line was “only if I don’t have to sign anything” 🙄
So TRUE!
They say they want Monogamy but what they don’t say is only when it suits them.
They want what they want
when they want it.
They want you to be monogamous to them
But that rule doesn’t apply
to them. Notorious for
making and breaking their
Rules constantly
They don’t say they’re sorry or ever ask for forgiveness. They stonewall, criticize, abuse and lie till you die inside and only revive and survive by permanently leaving them.
Never do. Not for 30 years!!!
So true. That is what I did after trying for 28 years.
So if they do say sorry and ask forgiveness then they are not a narcissistic?
@@Hopelessromantic666 That really depends on the situation, in a rare ocassion (when totally cornered) they might fake it.
In my personal experience i've seen one think about another situation that actually hurted him (always personal gain related) then use those tears to fake it.
Pardon my french but they can be crafty and sneaky sons of bitches.
My qeustion for yourself would be "Does this person say sorry and ask for forgiveness on a regular basis, or is it extremely rare?
So damn true!!!!
"You're too sensitive. You take everything so personally"
You wear your feelings on your sleeve
Answer that one saying , well if you weren’t so narcissistic I wouldn’t sensitive. Watch there face you’ll have the best laugh ever 😂😂😂💁💁💁
Gosh you're too sensitive you can't even take a joke 🤣,
You win by not playing
Hear that all the time
"You are overreacting."
"Stop being so emotional."
"Why are you blaming _me_ for _your_ shortcomings?"
"You got that wrong."
"You don't know what you are talking about."
The first two can really drive you crazy, and especially when you are a very sensitive person to begin with, they turn out to be disastrous.
Stop manipulating me.... you are poison... you are taking my space. ( just cleaned his 6 months dirty toilet and the dishes.)
I got you never take blame for things that you do. Defending my self apparently means I wasn't taking responsibility. She was upset at me for being depressed.
Youre doing this to punish me! She says, finally throwing away her own garbage.
@@momo14437 DON'T do THAT again!
@@jmlkhan5153 Oh I _despise_ that one. That was my ex wife's go-to card whenever I would enforce my personal boundaries. She'd start off by trying to guilt me saying things like, "I just want to love you! Why won't you let me love you? What did I do to deserve this kind of treatment?" then when I wouldn't fall for such obvious bait, she'd throw out the "You're doing this on purpose to punish me! You want to destroy my emotions, don't you?"
Narcissists are masters at planting seeds of doubt.
YUP!
They are mind benders
And they thrn make me feel guilty when I try to call it out, saying I'm mean and that I misunderstood them, or that I shouldn't doubt them.
NaCl Ωmega Exactly
I honestly saw a demon walk into a narc i know. They are demon-invested. Stay away from them. They especially like to attack the people of God. I dont think they are human. Once they have allowed the demon(s) in, they are dangerous and dead spirit. Notice their black piercing dead eyes. Stay away from them.
Angel Visitor Definitely
Took going to therapy to realize I spent the first 35 years of my life dealing with a narcissist. Almost everything on this list is used regularly. You're doing good work. Thank you.
There should be a show like hoarders or something but for narcs. I bet they'd love being on TV anyway
🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂😁😁
OMG! I wanna see the narc in my life be on that show! They'd feel so special & important at first only to realize their every action, behavior, & interaction was caught on film & broadcast to the whole world how they try to manipulate & control everybody & everything they come into contact with. GAME OVER
Excellent
Plathville on TLC was pretty good for a demo...
Oh my gosh yes!! 😂😂😂
Thats funny😄😄😄 but...so true so
When you realize you married a narcissist because you were raised by one (or more.)
I just put this together
@@dejaedwards6546 Same. And I'm 46 years old.
@@tbd5082 not far behind u I'm 41, but u know what I thank the Most High for exposing the sickness so I can heal, and be what He want me to be. How the Most High sees me in his minds eye. Love and Light to you 'Dear One' lol
Yep jumped out of the frying pan. Into the FIRE
RAISE US TO EXPECT low self esteem
Yes. Both my parents were narcs. 3 relationships were narc. Happy on my own now
When you tell them about their own behavior, that you saw with your own eyes--and they say, "your perception is incorrect/not how it happened," etc.
I like to record him then show it to him. BAHAHAHAHAHA. It's my fault he behaves like that
Their response is I dont remember that. When you send them a recording of what they said then it is your twisted or who records people conversation. ( so they always turn it around on you).
And what about "this has never happened, you dreamt about it"? 😡
@@1983shawty , yeah, perfect! Now that recording is simple, the narcissist comes with "Gee, are you sick and twisted! What on earth makes you go around recording other people?"
(Or better yet 🤪: "I could sue you on that, you know..." 😄)
#giveusabreak
My mother literally once spoke down to me about my body, and when I repeated back to her what she’d said she replied “I didn’t say that, that’s so cruel, I would never say something like that; you must have misunderstood” and I literally heard my brain break.
Family is narcissistic and emotionally immature, seems like the older I get the more I see that going no contact is the only solution.
This is where I am as well! Good luck!
@@MrsABC7997 Seems like any accomplishment I get they try to downplay and one up you, and they try to bring up flaws about you to one up themselves where it's always about them, it's truly pathetic.
There should be a support group for people like us.
DO IT!!!! It will be the best decision of your life. I feel incredibly satisfied knowing I'm alone with no family. It's better to be alone than to be with people who make you go crazy. My Dad died last year and at his funeral my mother was doing her usual game playing and setting up situations to make her look like a saint in front of people whose opinions essentially do not matter. It's ok though. I hadn't seen them before he died and I plan on never seeing my mother ever again unless she is dead. Silence is the only way to be heard with narcissists. It sounds very cut throat what i have said but those people never loved me. Maybe it's the same with you. If you go it alone a whole other world opens up to you and you can finally start living your own life. Good luck whatever you do. God bless you.
Because I'm an Athiest my parents think that it gives them a reason to kick me out, I'm also a full time student and I've explained to them that there isn't anyway I could finish school if they were to kick me out, I just turned 21 and I'm almost finished with my associates, they have this mindset that someone can work full time and go to school full time which is mathematically impossible and when I try to explain this to them they say they do not care. These people have never gone to college and they haven't even finished highschool, they are deeply religious and they even believe in conspiracies. I even sent them this to explain to them how mathematically it's not possible to do full time school and work, So one credit hour = one hour in class, 15 credit hours equals full time school, which is 3-4 hours of your day in class and an additional 2-3 hours of homework outside of class, I take 16 credit hours a semester. So full time just counting classes is 48 hours, multiply that by 3 is 144 hours a week, there is 168 hours in a week, 144 minus 168 is 24 hours left over, that means even if you weren't to eat in between classes you only have 24 hours left over to work. It is impossible to work full time and do school full time.
No.8 definitely triggers me. Told to calm down when they are the 1 who have wound you up!
All part of their desire for control over you, and to make you appear to be the unstable, irrational one
I confided in my ex that I went through anger management as a kid. She used it against me and told me she was scared I would hurt her after yelling at me until I lost my cool. That I had an anger problem that was out of control when I never got angry outside of these interactions.
VillainousFiend too timely and relatable for me right now
Or told to calm down and lower my voice when I wasn't even upset or raising my voice to begin with. That's a major trigger for me as my stepdad did that crap all throughout my childhood - or he'd tell me to "fix my face" if I was upset and dared to show any sort of anger on my face.
VillainousFiend Same here, friend. I have worked very hard all of my life to learn to keep my temper in check, and 99% of the time I'm successful, but my narc will intentionally trigger me then, like yours, will use that against me in much the same way. She'll hide behind the excuse "I was abused and raped so raised voices are a trigger for me!" My response is, "Well, you don't care about hitting my triggers, why should I care about hitting yours?"
@@Dargonhuman Yea, my mom screaming at me to never raise my voice at her was something that affected my interactions for many years. I spent twenty years gaslit into thinking I had an anger management problem, backing down from every confrontation, always over-compromising to my own disadvantage, always falsely afraid of my own emotions and reactions. It really holds a person back, when they think that they are the crazy one every time.
“You, of all people, should be the one who understands me.”
“I already did this and this for you. What more do you want?”
“You’re just expecting too much from me”
Everytime you bring up an issue.
Word to word.
Wow, I so can relate to that statement!
My personal favorite:”I’m sorry you feel that way.”
Hate that one
I can take "I'm sorry you feel that way", but please follow it up with "Can we talk about WHY you feel that way?". My narcissist ex-wife could never do that. Maddening.
My dad says that
100%
I don't see where this is a gas lighting phrase. There are valid contextual reasons someone might say this where gas lighting is not described. Why try to prejudge a person's motive without further questioning?
"we're just not communicating" = "you are not giving me the response I demand."
THAT Part!!!!!!! Exactly!
Why do our "talks" take hours? You're ridiculous, dont you get tired of talking shit out?
💯 Cousin of "You just don't cooperate " = "you don't do what I demand "
Typical TCP.
Erl DaGerl,You don't deserve to be with a narc 😈! cause you are too pretty 🌹🌷🌷🌷😍🤙
Also when u try to talk to a NARC about your relationship issues they will tell ya "your just trying to start an argument". My narc told me that every time. You really can't reason with them.
Any conversation will end up going round and round in circles. You never get anywhere with them.
@@oklahomaisok exactly. I gave up on have g conversation about it a long time ago. Every time it's exactly what thisnlady says. She just says I'm trying to start an argument or deflects to me pointing out my flaws w/o accepting or acknowledging and flaws in herself.
@@t2dwarrior209 and when they deflect every single time it would get right up underneath my skin. Maddening.
Mine says I’m rude and controlling lol 😂
@@t2dwarrior209 I gave up, soon. It was futile.
“I never said that”... the day after saying it fifty thousand times right to your face
Mine has a great habit of texting me 10 paragraphs at a time all day then says he never said it.
Brooke yeah. Or say you misread it or took it out of context
I’m sorry, but you just cracked me up with that one, 😂! We could start a cub, LOL
Linda more like a therapy session
Not even bv a day later, a few hours....
The fact that they are so talented at gaslighting, and they all practice it the same way is creepy, it's like a being born with a gift for evil.
It is the same demon inside them.
It would seem that way, Low self esteem does that to a person...
Well I don't think there's a book on it sooo,
@@steve-o6413 Low self esteem?
Don't narcissists have huge ego and high self-esteem?
R. T. No they appear to have that but on the inside they are depressed and have little to no sense of self or self esteem
This man deserves a Nobel Peace Prize! It's pure gold! If you have any doubts or confusion about what's going on in your relationship you owe it to yourself to listen to this man! And read the comments because you learn a lot!
Narc, after punishing you with hours of silence, now needs you for something, and so says "FINE! I'm SORRY for whatever it is YOU think I did!"
good one
Oh my goodness, that was Linda 35 years ago. That experience took me down to my core. It was an accelerated learning project. The therapist I first consulted was one of her flying monkeys, probably an equally damaged individual.
Retort to that: "No, you aren't!"
If they really were, they would do some probing to actually find out what they have botched up in order to fix it.
My narc after punishing me with hours of silence comes in the room acting like nothing has happened. He will not acknowledge anything whether it is a fight, disagreement or he just felt insulted and went off to pout. Lately it feels like he doesn’t even need a reason for the silent treatment anymore. But then he will come in the kitchen like nothings wrong and say oh, hows it going or do you need anything or what are we having for dinner? It drives me crazy. If I try and talk about it we go in circles and never get anywhere.
@@Herbs-4-life story of my life for 8 years. Last time was 6 weeks of silent treatment then one morning "we need to talk" like nothing happened
One more: “You’ve just always got to be right, don’t you.”
Retort to that: "I've had a very good teacher in this regard."
Then look straight at the narcissist.
Only when you're wrong.
While shes trying to win an argument rather than actually be right herself in one
Projection
Yesssssss
"I'm sorry you took it that way."
My narc is physically incapable of saying the words, "I'm sorry'.
So true! I've never heard it. In 30 years!
Even if they say I'm sorry, it's a lie give them time and they will do it again.
Mine has a clever ego, so will say it, but not mean it. This way, he feels he can claim to be respectful and sincere, although he really has no concept of what those words really mean. It feels like it is all superficial, play-acting, behaving in whatever way gets him what he wants - complete control over every moment.
Some narc would say "I am sorry you feel this way" to look like they are apologizing but they are actually gaslighting you (by suggesting that you shouldn't feel that way).
Mine says, I'm sorry, so much!! I'm sick of hearing it especially when i know that are not!
"You just won't let go of the past". Classic!
LOL...maybe you never stop doing the SAME DAMN shiet!!!
👍
Implication is that you are resentful/damaged/vengeful/sulky/immature/problematic 😡
"I'd grasp the future instead if I thought we had one!"
...as she starts bringing up all of my past mistakes from years ago...
You forgot my favorite gas lighting phrase: "If you loved me, you would......"
Good one. Dr. C
That’s so right!!! He says that often.
Ok but ive said "if you loved me you would... LISTEN to me,...take me on a date, make me breakfast sometime, ask about my day, say i love you from time to time
... am i a narcissist too?
@@salt1984 Nope that doesn’t make you a narcissist. You need to have the whole packet to be one.
This is so true. I got this from more thsn one person during the years.
"I don't remember". "That's not the way it went" "That's not what I said". "You are crazy". "It was YOU who said/did that".
That's why I like only having conversations via text.
So when they deny something or create something, there's physical proof as to what was actually said.
“No” is their favorite word
@@3_up_moon An experienced narc NEVER leaves a paper trail or any evidence whatsoever. Everything is behind your back or no witnesses and in person. They may answer your text in a very acceptable manner but what goes on behind your back will be something else so don't think you are safe. (And if they promise something in writing and fail to do it? "It's not my fault" and one of their flying monkeys will cheerfully take the rap. I had THREE flying monkeys cheerfully claim guilt for something my hubby actually did. Oldest trick in the books. All three could not have done it so everyone gets off. Many have escaped murder convictions that way...no one can prove WHO fired the fatal bullet.)
@@mr.sushi2221 no it's their favorite word to say, but definitely not their favorite word to hear.
All in the same breath! Lol
This is 110% so accurate....I have finally responded by walking away..ulsers will heal..sleep will return..eventually your tears will flow less often and you will enjoy life once more...thank you. ..so much for another great one Dr. C.
Yes it is true. Peace does return.
Dear @Heather Whittaker your words hit me so hard, İ am in a bedroom with my son ,alone ,desperate ,wondering will İ ever be fine after all this mess of marriage with narcissistic husband and your words gave me a new strenght . Maybe İ am too emotionally tonight ,but İ just wanted to thank you 🙏
@@unamel4282 Bless you Una..You will look back and wonder how you weren't crying for joy today...Right now you are crying for what could have been..the dream...Hug you son anc be thankful you have him and have the strength to move forward and make a greater life for the two of you...I believe in you,,you've come this far..don't look back...just take a deep breath and feel the relief...blessings....
@@heatherwhittaker6169 God bless you 🙏
@@unamel4282 All of us who read this are with you, we have been there too. We hear you, we are sending you thoughts and prayers of support for you and your son 🤗💜 You and your son deserve a better life than that. You got this Mama!!!! 💜💜💜
"That's not what I meant", "You misunderstood what I'm trying to say", That is NOT me", "I remember it clearly", "Don't be so sensitive" etc
Sharon-Rose Lindeque,Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!
My God...the "you dont understand/you misunderstood me" is a big one...especially when you dont agree with them...
You’re too sensitive
If you keep acting this way you will be alone
If you keep acting this way you will end up just like your mother
Your sister is stupid
Your mom isn’t smart
Witch
Jezebel
I mean I think I’m the problem but idk
If I make him upset like putting the pillow on the bed that was dirty bc I was trying to get all the covers washed bc the cat was on the bed I was sleep deprived bc of having a baby and forgot and I got called idiot something was wrong with me i was balling my eyes out and was told you don’t care about my feelings it was a mistake and before I could apologize I got called stupid and idiot and that whole night I was crying on my side the next morning he was upset cause I didn’t comfort him bc I made him upset . So I’m really thinking I might be the problem I just don’t know . I also get told I’m too sensitive when something he says or does upset me .
You ask me before you do anything
You ask me before you text anything
How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb? One to hold it in place because the world revolves around them. 😂
🤣
That's funny.😂
Lol loving it
A gold star for you. Brilliant
May I PLEZE use that one? BRILLANT!!!!! Still
Laughing SO hard it
HURTS!!!! T.Y. !!!! U
JUST MAFE 2020❣TRULY
What a "GOD-SHOT"🤣🤣🤣🤣 BLESS YOUR SOUL!✌😊
SINCERELY....in these
× LEVITY( LAUGHTER....
IS PRECIOUS COMMODITY
.... WOULDN'T THE WORLD
BE GREAT...IF LAUGHTER
AND JOY WERE OUR ONLY
CURRENCY???? IS 4 ME!
AGAIN BLESS YOU 😇!
I am still LITERALLY LOL !!!! 🌎🕊❤😊🧚♀️
The one that finally woke me up was “I don’t remember that, I don’t know where you come up with this. If I did say that I don’t remember it.”
Mine kept saying I don't remember and I forgot I don't remember and I forgot. We had a 52-day countdown to get packed and moved. They didn't get it done. So they needed another 30 days okay they still weren't done after that 30 days so another 30 days and I said look I can't keep doing this I've got to get moved unpacked and get on with my life! Will you know what I'm going to say. That 30 days ended and they still weren't ready to move. So I said well I told you and unlike you my words and my actions are the same. I told them that at the end of the last 30 day extension that if we weren't done moving in I would be done. And that all of their things would be moved back into their home and I would be living in my home alone. So I had them move whatever they had moved into my house back over to their house! I think they were surprised. Best decision I've ever made. I'm still rearranging furniture and unpacking boxes but at least I'm not met with daily resistance and all the other Soul draining confusion that goes with being around a narc.
Heard that one yesterday.
I broke up with a guy, he was crying and I felt bad until he told me how disappointed my family and people I know would be for breaking it off with him. I never felt bad about my decision after he said that, it was like a cold hardness settled in my chest. I knew what he was in that moment and I never looked at him without seeing him for what he was after that, I saw him for the predator he was.
Good for you 😁😁😁
Narc response: “Maybe I did, but YOU (insert here)”. They can flip that thing like a pancake. I cannot post my response here. Talk amongst yourselves. 🙄😳
Marci Robins ... Oh, I am very familiar with this one. I can’t believe that I am always “wrong”, but according to narc, I am old, forgetful, and never right.
@@Linda-eg1yq how about the old faithful, that you are crazy!
Melissa Greene, Ya! “Crazy AND Delusional”, LOL You just have to let it roll off, like water on a duck. 😉
Great metaphor! Flip it like a pancake! 😆 Perfect!
like a pancake!
The covert narcissist is always hinting and implying without saying anything directly so that later he can say "I never said that!" My #1 Pet Peeve.
I called that narc dementia
My narc FIL was exactly as you describe. He would never ask anyone outright to do something for him or to get something for him. He just kept dropping hints until his trained minions - wife and adult children - picked up on his hints at last and JUMPED to fulfill his wishes. Afterward, his reaction . . . "Oh...I didn't expect this. Well . . .[very blandly and unconvincingly] thank you."
I once saw one SIL and her husband cancel at the last minute (just hours before) a social date they had made a month before with another couple. They clearly didn't see anything wrong with leaving their friends in the lurch at the last minute in order to suck up to the entitled narc.
THANK YOU! that's exactly the way my narcissist has been his whole miserable life and I think I'm the only one who realizes it
I never asked our bosses to talk to you! I was just so visibly frustrated from across the room that he wandered over of his own accord to ask me what was happening! IM mad at HIM for interfering! Why arent you on MY side, i thought we were in this together!
@@jmlkhan5153 Ugh, that last part "Why aren't you on MY side", and by extension, "You never defend me!" and "Stop making excuses for me!" were the worst things with my narc. She couldn't grasp that explaining to the people she was berating that she was having a bad day wasn't "making excuses" but actually defending her without making a scene. She was of the opinion that defending her meant getting just as angry as she was and yelling at people then threatening to sue them (to clarify, she loves telling people she's going to sue them but in the 11 years I've known her, she has yet to take a single person to court).
Re: #8, the way my boss does this one is he creates all kinds of chaos/drama around work, then when everyone else is ticked off he accuses them of being the dramatic ones.
You are imagining all of this.
You are overly sensitive.
I don't know what you are talking about.
I was just joking.
I didn't say/do that.
I can't remember that/that never happened.
So?
Best of all: just silence
"I don't remember that"....this phrase is the most frequently used gaslighting technique that I hear all the time. It works because,.. how can you be sorry for something you simply don't remember doing or saying? This is quickly followed by...."All I am saying is that I think I would remember that incident, IF it happened". This is the passive aggressive way of implying that you just completely made it up. And then comes,..."Is it possible that You could be mistaken?" The implication here is that no accountability is needed when the facts are just so unclear. Next, softly, and with Oscar winning sincerity, comes the famous question..."do you think you might have dreamed that?" Okay, so this just says you are so crazy that you can't tell reality from a dream. Soon after that comes..."you know, you are always looking for there to be blame, why do you need to find fault so often?" Now, this means that You are the problem here, and maybe you should seek some help with Your issues. Then finally comes the patronizing...Are you having a bad day? Did someone upset you today? This question implies and suggests that the problem Never Ever was with them at all. The "Real" problem was that You just needed to take out your frustrations on someone and, well, it just so happened to be them. And there you have it, the successful denial of any responsibility whatsoever. Yeah...pretty much got this down to a science. Unfortunately, knowing this doesn't make it any easier to deal with them.
Another one: "You've got to look at it from my perspective" or the related, "How do you think I feel?" Both imply that you're being selfish and insensitive whenever you talk about your own thoughts, feelings, or needs.
One of my favourites, " You have to see it like this!". No, I don't.
Oh fuck
Stop describing my girlfriend 🤣🤣
“Are you trying to make me feel guilty? ; Why would you hurt me like that?”
Thissss
Another one is, "believe what you wanna believe." " your just trying to start an argument ". " what everyone says about you is true". The list goes on and on.
Omg the “what everyone says about you is true” is so spot on and can be so hurtful!
@@christinar2039 Hi! Yep! Everytime I get to pointing out his trouble making ways thts what i get. When i ask who's everyone they dont respond or i ask what's said about me..... dead silence or they just repeat the statement. Classic deflection!
That hurt for so long till I realized they were truly lying.
Mine would never tell me to believe what I wanted to believe. He would say I was wrong and it was his job to educate me.
@@toni_60505 That's what EXACTLY what my ex-gf was doing to me and when calmly I asked "who said it"...Nothing but crickets chirping except of her telling me it doesn't matter who said it (I knew that she was full of s**t, but after the break-up (she discarded me for a new supply) a mutual friend had told me that she was seeing someone else (the new supply) while with me, and confronted my ex about it (was also calm and non-combative, even though she always like to say that I am whenever I call her out on her bs, but never have a problem being on the war path whenever I mess up during our relationship) she completely lost her shit in rage, asking me who said as if a guilty person would when backed into a corner by evidence and still claim that it's lies, and yet their true nature exposed bare... She was in a panic that her cloak was removed... Such a vile creature she turned out to be.
I was always told that an apology is not acceptable unless it's specific.
I'm ok with that thought. Dr. C
Truth; these "sorry for everything" won't do
i feel an apology should acknowledge, : what you did, how it made the other person feel, and what you'll do to make sure it doesn't happen again. never use the word BUT in the apology. and a true, real apology does as much (if not more) for the apologizer than it does for the one getting the apology. this is totally real.
An apology is not acceptable and less the behavior also changes. You can say I'm sorry a hundred times yet if that person keeps repeating that behavior 99 times you're getting screwed
“Name one specific time I did that.”
“Well I don’t know an exact date. I don’t have a recording.”
“........so you have NO evidence that I’ve EVER done that.”
Brittany Harris,You don't deserve to be with a narc 😈!
OMG. My ex did the exact same thing. He'd say "Date and Time"
@@angelaopper3579 @kleanne58 : THEY ARE ALL THE SAME!!!! Happier alone 💯
If I have $1 for every time my ex said those exact words to me and I drove myself crazy thinking about it for months!
I swear I had this exact same conversation with my ex !
Worst mental game ever. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody.
My collection so far:
1. It never happened.
2. I didn't say that.
3. Did I say that? Really?
4. You dreamt it.
5. You feel it wrong (...I will tell you how you feel or how you should feel...)
6. It's your fantasy.
7. You misunderstood because you are too sensitive.
8. Oh, I didn't mean it. I'm just an old woman talking too much (...about
your private matters or smearing you...)
+ 1. Oh, that's not a big deal. (belittling my observation when I make a remark about something she said)
They just deny, deny and deny or defend themselves cowardly as soon as they start realizing that the other person has good memory and remembers every detail and when they are caught off-guard.
This is a pretty good list
You forgot: “you’re crazy!”
Do you know my xwife
@@spiderok8663 No, I don't. But they are all the same. Sometimes I feel that they all get the same users' manual at the start, that's why they say and do more or less the same things...
good list!
1. "We just don't communicate" = I don't like what you're saying
2. "If I did anything wrong, I'm sorry" = You didn't interpret me correctly
3. "You just wont let go of the past" = We already talked about it. The book is closed.
4. "That wasn't me" = I don't want to take responsibility for your interpretation of me
5. "I wasn't angry, I was just blowing off steam" = You're interpreting me wrong, don't hold me accountable for my anger
6. "It's not what you think" = Don't make me responsible for what I did
7. "After all I've done for you" = A few nice things should pacify you
8. "Relax, you're making a big deal out of nothing" = You have poor judgment
he never say he's wrong and turn it around like its my fault
And they’re MASTERS at that aren’t they? I swear they must study how to do that. The ability to twist a conversation so that they are the victim every time is mind boggling.
@@tallem6233 yup.
@@tallem6233 Yup. And even if I am the wrong one and apologize, she acts like I never made an apology at all and will keep bringing it up sometimes years later. That's why I stopped apologizing; I figure if I'm going to get raked over the coals anyway, then there's no need to further debase myself by trying to make it right, especially if I wasn't the one who started the fight to begin with.
Mine did this too and convinced everyone we knew that it was my fault!
that's actually a skill. i've seen it. even when all evidence points to the contrary.
HOPE, KNOWLEDGE, VALIDATION, SUPPORT....I would not possibly be here today to try & express the emotions/feelings I have ..PLEASE know you are saving lives, making a difference, giving hope back where it had been lost, seemingly forever. I was led (yes I believe that) to these videos (& to these certain videos) for the lifeline they are....for the first time as I endure the "cycle" of destruction I have been swallowed up in, I FINALLY see a light at the end of this dark tunnel & it is NOT A TRAIN headed straight at me!..I have known this was "not right", but I didn't know why? WHO could truly act like this, treat someone like this? There really is something WRONG WITH ME! I am a horrible person...to have these videos to run to for support, validation, tools, is literally LIFE SAVING...there is no shame, no condensation, no blame, and when needed I can find help in the moment. ...in my case the attacks come in the wee hours or on Fridays ( when he knew I would not or could not, reach out to someone, or I was headed to work the night shift)...When you don't know where or to whom to turn or what you are even dealing with, you curl up into the fetal position & avoid life. You don't even know you are going thru the motions anymore. I had reached a point...that the fight was too much, the losses to great, the humiliation overwhelming & there was no point, to anything. Then the attacks ramped up & suddenly I became the true bad guy, the liar, the abuser, etc.; I was mentally ill and needed medical help. Threats, bullying ramped up, trash talk to start an argument, from the minute I got up til I finally would loose my control & he won, it was non stop. Talk about a head game. I had no fight left so I became so angry, mean. I hated myself & him, because it seemed such reward to him. If I had not discovered these videos that I could go to for the support, validation, hope you give...the KNOWLEDGE!! I don't know if I would still be here to ramble on like this! lol... I have so many questions, stories, awful stories a decent caring human being should not have. The most important thing I want to say right now is THANK YOU! Because you and others were here, on your videos in those dark hours of fear, hopelessness, desperation. Because financially I have been so devastated by this person, I could not seek any professional one on one help now. And as things crumble in , poof, he is gone in a sneaky minute, leaving me to deal, clean up & figure out how to dig out. Now I can make a game plan because I know how to deal with the non stop barrage of accusations, threats, etc meant to destroy me. Whats amazed me is to hear the delusional ideas that are suddenly appearing. Oh wow. ....I wasn't going to do this ramble, but please know your kindness of sharing you experiences, knowledge and putting it out there will make a difference in so many lives. Its the lifeline in those darkest of moments of doubt....gratitude, Grace, Peace...so simple, so easily destroyed.
💞🙏🏻💞 Thank God for letting you find this. It can be a slow healing, however, remind yourself often it was all lies and delusion with the mind games for only his control to meet whatever agenda he had schemes up. Stand firm with no contact is best way to go 👍🏻 your beautiful and none of this was your fault. It will be so easy to recognize narcissist now and to know their games which you will be able to shut down and the world is full of them as the world is full of empaths and compassionate people too. Prayers to all of us 🙏🏻
I also believe that God led me to Dr. Carter.
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
"Let's not rehash ancient history."
"Everyone is saying..."
"People/We were talking..."
"The thing I said/did doesn't reflect my character/feelings/who I am."
In summery..."Gas lighting", from a Narcissist, is to create a doubt in what you think about their behavior. They are trying to control you by making you feel wrong or crazy.
And to create doubt about whatever you think about yourself. Prime directive for narcissists is destroying you to better serve them.
I'm the drama queen who makes a big deal over nothing ( being lied to, being gas lit, being invalidated, being manipulated.....all nothing) constantly being insulted on the sly, wish I had a nickel for everytime I heard your too smart for your own good....real meaning stop recognizing I'm abusing you, and your life will go better.
Unfortunately it won't. It would deteriorate much further.
“I’m sorry you feel that way”
“Don’t you think that’s kinda weird?”
“Do you think you’re perfect?”
“You always try to cut me down”
“You’re just like everybody else”
"All you women are the same" lol.
@@tracichapm4 This!
"You're just like my ex-wife"
"I'm sorry if I unwittingly hurt you"
My favourite response to "Do you think you're perfect?" I say no but I seems you do, thank you for that. 💁🏾♀️
" I don't know what I did wrong , but I want to apologize ". Stop them right there when they try to open a dialogue with you.
My mother
Okay, this one bothers me. I am constantly sticking my foot in my mouth. I usually start off an apology with that phrase, but I do my best not to do whatever it was again.
Otherwise known as, I am sorry for nothing.
Prometheus311 me too
"Save it for when you can admit to yourself what you've done. Otherwise g'bye."
"You're always in crisis mode."
Yes, because you keep creating crises. *smh*
Haha! We've coined the term "Crisis of the Day" because she's always thinking everything that ever happens is a crisis. That's all we have to say to mutually understand what we're being faced with & what that means to us.
Apparently both myself & hubby recently told her, independently of each other & not as a planned thing, "This is not a crisis! Calm down and stop over reacting!" Because she literally freaks out over something every single day at least once.
@@return2basics242 You might be a narcissist if...
@@wildblue0 - Haha! Someone contact Jeff Foxworthy stat! 🤪😂🤣
YES !! The insanity that is allowed to perpetuate for decades !!
@@return2basics242 That's my ex wife in a nutshell. Her food isn't the right temperature? She's going to starve today because she can't eat it! No cold sodas in the fridge? She's going to die of thirst, despite there being plenty of fruit juice, iced tea, milk, water and other things to drink, not to mention freshly made ice in the freezer to pour a warm soda over if it's that dire... There's also a McDonald's about a five minute drive away to get a $1 ice cold soda at, and no less than 4 convenience stores along the way with coolers full of cold sodas.
Most recently, she tried to make an appointment with her doctor to get some sores looked at but they couldn't get her in until November, so the nurse suggested she go to an urgent care clinic if she was worried, which she did because she is convinced that they're a staph infection and she needs antibiotics. The doctor at the clinic looked at them and said, "It doesn't look like staph or anything else you would need antibiotics for." Her response? He was calling her a liar and that he should listen to her and just give her the antibiotics, that visit was just a waste of time, he got his license out of a cereal box, etc. just because he didn't tell her what she wanted to hear. She literally invented a crisis out of nothing because her sores weren't staph, and most likely resulted from a heat rash or allergic reaction to something.
The world revolves around them. Wow! Talking about themselves is their favourite subject. Relieved to be free from this web of deceit
Another one: “I just can’t talk to you about anything.”
Story of my 13 year relationship. I've got that phrase ringing in my ears.
Good points. Thanks
Ooo yes! And, I used to be able to talk to you in the beginning but now....🤦🏽♀️
Yet can go out and cheat and find another woman to talk to hours on end to lovebomb her ,even though I'm available to talk he says not matured enough, I'm 28 & he is 35 cheating on me with a older woman, I feel like he is looking for someone to mother him because he was neglected growing up
"So shut up then."
The narcissist in my life would never apologize for anything.
Mine never apologizes. Sometimes he stops the bad behavior for a while, though.
@@tinaholden9692 That is just part of the narcissistic cycle.
@@darcyguill7933 I agree. This time I'm not dropping my guard.
Mine either.
For ANYTHING. EVER.
Oh... If he accidentally stepped on my foot, he might. But only because he noticed the ground under his own foot changed. Lol
This is the most eye opening video I’ve ever watched. Thank you! I hate being told
“You’re crazy!”
“Calm down”
“I can’t keep it real with you”
“Why you keep bringing up the past”
“You shouldn’t feel that way” (after he’s done or said something to hurt me or my feelings)
How are you gonna tell ME how I should feel?
All these years of suffering. I feel partial blame because ultimately I have control over my own life. And I LET this person ruin me. I was a different person before this horrible relationship.
“I think it’s your hormones” “You must have dreamt it” “You keep bringing up the past” “You’re going to have to give me some context” because they know you don’t have a conversation and the situation memorized verbatim, and voilá they are off the hook!
Ohh my goodness, yes!! When I became very upset at some very inconsiderate behavior, I waa to it must be my hormones and that I'm probably going through the "change". 🤣😔
Omgosh yes! I always get 'have you go an example' I've started writing things down to which he replies 'oh I'm that bad you have to keep track to remind me'
"You take things too literally" I have had two narcissists say this to me when confronted about lying.
Gaslighters are confusion makers! I like This definition. We must be confident in a calm way and never forget to think and trust ourselves. The narcisists want us to feel not think. We must not fall into that pit. Thank you for your help and support dr Carter.
My Narc gaslit me into believing I had a mental illness, she was so convincing with their extensive knowledge of personality disorder information. They'd tell me " i know you have bipolar/BPD/etc, I've seen these symptoms in my other afflicted friends", "I know what I'm talking about, I have BPD too", "you need medication/therapy, trust me". After going no contact for 3 months I haven't had any of those "symptoms".
Lol lord
Yikes, I relate to this. I was told her therapist remotely suggested I was a narcissist without having ever met me, and then from that point on she kept trying to convince me that I had a personality disorder and used the professional reputation of her therapist to make me question my reality (via triangulation). In reality, it was extremely likely that she had one or more Cluster B personality disorder as she had been evaluated for some in the past (the results were inconclusive -- she had some traits of multiple disorders but not enough of any one to qualify for official diagnosis), and I *think* she was projecting. That's not to say I was the pure good guy in that whole equation -- I walked away with a lot of guilt for my part of that mess. But no matter what I said I couldn't get through to her -- she kept twisting my words and framing them in the least generous possible light, while describing herself as this spiritual empath who couldn't possibly do anything wrong. I was so wired in by guilt and pity for her, because she had told me the most devastatingly heartbreaking stories about her life on our first date, that I made excuses for all her bad behavior and internalized all of her criticisms. In the end it took one of my female friends to read our exchanges and tell me "if you were a woman I would ask you not to see them again; I don't think the fact that you are a man should change my reaction." That really woke me up. I have never had any problems like that with anyone before her or after her, while she seemed to leave a trail of burned bridges and bodies in her past, but she rationalized it as "they were narcissists or psychopaths or codependent or had some other personality disorder" and she would either avoid telling those stories or she would tell stories that rationalized her horrible behavior (e. g. she legally blackmailed a friend who was ignoring her "to try to save the friendship, because it was such an important friendship"). Yet despite all that... she constantly framed herself as a highly-sensitive empath, while she slowly planted seeds to make me believe I was somehow pathological (my emotions were stunted from a deep depression at the time, and she tried to imply I might be a psychopath repeatedly). Literally has me questioning my reality to this day, even though rationally I know it was probably mostly her in the wrong.
@@ryanprussin I dare say that that has been exactly her ulterior motive right from the start.
So the next time someone brings up his/her "terrible past", take that as an indicator instead that something is sorely amiss with that person. Most likely that one is just playing the victim card to garner sympathy and/or pity in order to get a free pass on anything obnoxious that is likely to come up.
If you notice such a behavior, get out of there ASAP!
They just don't acknowledge - my partner would never explain and the problem went away - for them but not for me!
“I didn’t say that.” You prove they say it so they say “I did say it but I didn’t mean it like that”. They could care less about IMPACT vs INTENT
Me: “Stop arguing with me.” Narc: “I’m not arguing. I’m just trying to have a conversation.” / Narc:: “I apologize for ‘all of it.’” (Two days later when it’s pointed out he’s doing the very thing he said he was sorry for ten million times but won’t stop doing it and now he’s being held accountable for it- AGAIN...) “I said i was sorry for that.” / Narc: (after biting the kids’ head off...) “I’m not mad.” Narc’s flying monkey: “He’s under a lot of stress. You should appreciate all he does for you.” / Narc: “I didn’t do that.” Me: “I literally JUST watched you do it.” Narc: “No. i didn’t do that.” / Narc: “My behavior isn’t THAT bad.” / Narc: (after he watches a Dr.C video...) “I don’t do what he’s saying.” Me: “You might not do EXACTLY what he’s saying but you definitely do a VERSION of what he’s saying.” Narc: “No. I don’t do that.” / Me: “Let me give you an example.” Narc: “You need to stop holding that against me.” Me: (head in hand... dear lord!) / Narc: “I don’t call because i don’t want to start any arguments.” Me: “Then just don’t start any arguments!” (Meanwhile kids wonder why he never calls.) / Narc: “You expect me to be perfect.” Me: “I don’t expect perfection. But i do expect appropriate.” Narc: (gaslights and it all starts all over again.)
AlwaysStampinVideos, Ohhhh My God! I am NOT alone in Crazytown!!
Why do you waste your energy with this? Walk away and stop enabling the crazy cycle.
Yup spot on
My husband will jump up and down screaming at the top of his lungs like a raving idiot ,red faced and smoke coming out of hid ears " you won't listen to me "
Amy L I have walked away. I share for the sake of those who are in the same spot i was before i had learned it is a literal form of narcissism. Having something (or someone) to relate to makes all the difference in empowerment.
Having come out the other side of a narcissistic relationship, this all sounds familiar. But at the time, I was just baffled, confused, utterly vulnerable and broken down.
Onwards and upwards now...savour your freedom ; )
My favorite:
“You’ll see, it’s gonna be different”
“I do love you and care about you I just don’t wanna argue”
“I know what you need from me idk how to give it” (after already showing me he can)
“I’m sorry for making you feel that way” (after doing the same thing he apologized for the day before)
“If I did something wrong I would admit it” (**never admits anything**)
He does not find anything wrong with anything he says or does. Never will. Yet what makes it so hard to distance myself?? I need help lol
"Why would I do/say that?" Answering anything said or asked with a question, flipping it so that I'm the one on the defense having to explain myself.
"You're the one who said/did it, you tell me. Go on, I dare you. Or is it that what you said/did was simply so mind boggingly asinine that the very person who said/did it cannot even admit they even said/did it, never mind explain or justify it? So what chance has the person who's subjected to this b/s got of explaining it? How many Jews do think could explain why Hitler was doing what he did to them?"
Whenever the narc in my life would “apologize” it was like they were reading from a script and mixed in with the apology would be tons of ways to turn everything back on me
True 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Doc, isn't it more about their minimizing your feelings then what they say? I've had several of these things said by a safe person and things are easily resolved when we sit down to share, but if it is to minimize your feelings or refusing responsibility, that's a game changer.
@@chimene3851 Thank you for you reply, it is appreciated. My take on this is I can't agree totally with 'why are you bringing that up again' statement are all narc either Lisa. If it's dismissive, to avoid a resolution, then yes! However, many have long memories, because past hurts may need to be reminded to protect from a repeat. We are hopeful those that 'say' they love us, do sincerely want to protect us from hurt, especially from them. But the minute we find this, not the case, we need to run and not minimizes the disrespectful, unloving treatment! Not stick around to figure out, what, and why! We set ourselves up for abusive treatment by staying with them, and fall deeper into the head games to our detriment. A Codependent has been trained to think of other, not themselves. Ironically this is a great gift. Now we need to heal by getting to know 'who we are', what we even like, what WE want, need, and hope for by developing healthy boundaries. We are so worth it! We don't need other's 'permission', when we realize we have God's approval. God bless you on your journey to healing sister. 💌
Spot 👏🏽 on 👏🏽 My ex narc boyfriend would say “I’m sorry *if* you feel that way,” and I’d be like ...I don’t just feel that way. I’d tell him, it’s not your past, it’s a pattern and it’s happening to me now too. 17 months of hell and two and a half months free now, thank God!
Others: “I didn’t mean it that way.” And always “I just used the wrong words. I’m not good with words.”
I got mad only reading this
"I'm clumsy with words"
Then get yourself a dictionary or something
But unfortunately I’m not good with words. I get anxious cause I genuinely feel I don’t make sense
@@kiarabrown4282 don't worry, there's a huge difference between a quick stutter and being straight up rude
kiara brown I get tongue tied when I’m in a confrontation. My thoughts are messy and I have a lack of confidence to speak my truth. I’m in need of work there. My parents never taught me how to be brazen. It was not in their parenting...which is hard because I’ve been in some hard places over the years!!
Whenever I call out my narc on phrasing something in a way that alludes to how they really feel. Yeah okay. You didn't mean to SAY IT that way, but that's what you meant 🙃🙃🙃
The funniest thing I found is that when someone is gaslighting and lying the best response is, "Oh, that's interesting." It's one of the best bc they like to always be in control and this never fails to make them go crazy, get furious, and lose control. not only does it shatter the image they set for themselves but it also brings their true nature to the attention of others.
I do that too and stay calm. I finally lost it a few days ago because.of the ridiculousness of what she was saying! I losty temper, but still kept laughing. She has backed up lately, but I think you hats cuz he Rd 39 yeT old unemployed son is living with us...
wonder if a study was ever done on how many good people lost their jobs to the office narcissist.......
I sure as hell lost a promotion due to one
A, flamin, lot!
Me
Consider this....plenty of narc bosses have had good workers leave them....DAMN good workers.
the other thing that happens. upper management take note: the work itself is blocked. blocked, blocked. so that the workers produce good work, but the results get nowhere and everything goes around and around.
don't blame the workers. maybe your middle management is blocking the workers while they are trying to maintaining their own defunct job.
- I've never said it.
- You've dreamt it.
- You've misunderstood.
- I've never done it.
- I'd never do it.
- You've done the same.
- You are lying!
- You deserved it.
- That is not what I meant. Okay, what did you mean by saying " You are not hurt by me, your lying." " I was referring to how your not hurt by you hurting me." Placing the blame on if I am hurt, I did it to myself and that she never was hurtful. LOL
You never saw what you saw with your own two eyes! You have no idea about what you've experienced in your own life!
You don't even know what you know to be true!🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
,,You‘re just never happy.“-the unhappy narcissist when confronted.
I get that every day .. I'm never happy I'm always mad.... When I'm. Not I get told that almost every day just last nite
"Don't take it personally". Which means that you're not important enough.
"I'm the one who decides what to take personally, not you. That's why it's called 'personally'. So, nothing personal but get lost!"
Exactly.
Lynda Hill,You don't deserve to be with a narc 😈 cause you are a precious being ❤️
Narcs are SO good at sly self pity.
Yep , and they play the victim
My father's favorite version of number 2 is "I'm sorry you choose to feel that way," whenever I ask for an apology. I've heard this non-apology for over 40 years.
“You’re too sensitive.”
Oh thats been said to me too. Jesus i think im surrounded by narcissists.
Ugh, this is my husband’s new favorite phrase 🙄
Same. Apparently I’m “too sensitive and over react”
No, they're just obtuse and inconsiderate. If you'd wanted to toughen up you'd have joined the army.
Sometimes you ARE.
The worst is "SO..!???" Unashamed superiority coupled with a complete lack of accountability. And shuts down any retort you had coming.
I have heard that also, that's really hurtful.
Or they may admit it when taken off guard, just to take it back; it never happened.
@@ragga7862 that's true
My 54 year old narc says, "He's doing it, too, but you didn't say nothing" (sic). And after he is finished with a fake rant to get me to stop talking about things that do not show him in the beautiful light in which he paints himself, he "threateningly" says, "Questions?" He told ME that I am hard to get along with because I ask him questions (after I find out that he lied). If I ask about something that is not related to sports, he calls me an interrogater. For example, if I ask him why he disallows our children to come in the den to talk to me while we are watching TV, he says, "I preferred to stay in my room alone all evening when I came home from school; therefore, the children should, too. Questions?" He also makes psychotic faces at the most inappropriate times. His attempts at smiling are cringy.
@@tammyhollis1519 Wow, treating you and the kids like that is a serious issue. They cannot grow up like that, he needs to go bye bye. Good riddance to bad trash. Don't deal with that crap, especially if it's a threatening tone and demeanor. Make a plan and move forward for both you and your kids sakes. Go find happiness and peace. ☮
The longer you spend with people who cause you to question yourself, the more it will erode your self-confidence… and the harder it is to undo later in life. You learn the patterns and you conform to them just so you don’t “rock the boat,” and soon it becomes enough of a habit that you begin to attract people who would love nothing more than to hold your puppet strings. It’s something I’m still working on, but being able to recognize it is a huge step towards addressing it. Thank you for helping me and everyone else, Dr. Carter. This is important information.
I started taping my ex narc at the end so he couldn’t say that didn’t happen or he never said that or try to turn stuff around on me. It helped me regain my sense of what was real by listening to it again - trauma bond and cognitive dissonance made me believe him every single time. The review of conversations helped to remind me that he was gaslighting me and to believe in myself.
Me too-the last 2 months before I left him. When i told him i recorded everything, just a few days before i left him, first he was shocked then he FLIPPED OUT! He put me through hell. I lived in PURE HELL during the 11 months we were married. A PURE COVERT MALIGNANT NARCOPATH
Did the same at the suggestion of a professional. I was so confused I was asking people if I what I was saying made sense in just general conversation and their look and response when I would ask this started to be telling. I asked my therapist this and that was when things turned. After listening to about two weeks of our taped conversations there was no going back. My eyes were open. But then it got dangerous because he could see they were open. Then my phone mysteriously went missing. Then I almost mysteriously went missing... but it got loud and someone called 911. “This isn’t what it looks like” said the narc to the police. They believed him.
@@mariasartzis-pellicier1723 I'm over 25 years with the covert, wounded female type. I stayed the last 12 or so years because of our child. As far as I can tell, my nervous system shut down, and I'm trying to dig myself out now.
I can't imagine being a woman and that attitude being in a man. It would be horrible Different levels of this are the norm in society, at least as far as I can guesstimate. Sorry for the h*ll you went through. Teach the children about this. If they know early enough, maybe they can consciously over-ride the fall into a pathological obsession with their animalistic greed at the expense of those who get in their way.
@@wellnesspathforme6236 Thank you very much. Thankfully we have no children together. We met and married later in our lives. We were both in our fifties. He has NO relationship and no contact with his natural remaining adult child or his step children. He has no friends either. Not even one! I should have known something was wrong... But he hid his narcissism AND his mental illness really quite well. He is a TRUE COVERT narc.
Road to recovery from narc abuse can be long. But it CAN be done! I'm slowly healing. YOU CAN do it too!
If you want to see who we are, our wedding was featured and published in the New York Times. Google Maria and Oscar Pellicier.
Best wishes to you!
Take care and be WELL!
@@mariasartzis-pellicier1723 Thanks. I actually have a theory as to how narcissism is being engineered by the families that privately control the global zero-sum game debt-based money systems. Search out Morley Robbins on YT and see what he has to say about systemic iron overload and the depletion of ceruloplasmin-bound copper and magnesium.
There is a protein in the inflammazone called NLRP3, and when it senses toxic iron, it triggers the inflammazone INSIDE THE CELL. It is called the "fear, or danger, sensor" of the cell. Narcs appear to be based on fear. Fear of not getting their way. Fear of not being valuable if they don't get their way. But the key, IMHO, is that they have a default "fear" signal coming from INSIDE THEIR CELLS. Supply, when properly understood, becomes the narc's search for what they consider to be positive "noise" to drown out the fear "signal" INSIDE THEIR CELLS.
This works great for the controlling monetary oligarchy. First, because many of these narcs will associate money with supply, and will do whatever they are paid to do. The Money Power ultimately controls these people. Second, because some of these people become disabled and are no threat to the bigger system.
Look up "calcium shell.". The apparent reason calcium skyrockets is because iron triggers the enzyme that breaks down bone. The excess calcium has to go somewhere . Magnesium sparks the enzymes that builds bones, but too much iron depleted magnesium. Especially the metallic iron in "fortified" foods
Odds are very high your ex didn't other people (and you). Maybe he had obvious paranoia. This is fear-based.
Also, was he most aggressive (over the many haul) in the mornings? This may have been his effort to drown out the fear signal from INSIDE HIS CELLS that rise to the top at bedtime.
Anyway, food for thought if you are interested.
Your wedding was in the New York Times? Somehow I don't think that happens to ordinary, non-Establishment people. Do you mind sharing the back story?
It is only in your head."
How about: "Your so difficult to deal with" when you set limits with them.
True
My husband says, " You're so harsh. Why are you so mean to me?"🤦
My housemate said this to me yesterday after stomping down the stairs and slamming doors then calling me the angry one. She came downstairs to pick a fight with me and then was like, "I don't have time for this." Why start it then? I was having a good time cuddling my dog. Ugh. I know she just wanted to get me worked up and I am so irritated with myself for falling for it.
or the classic no phrase at all- just the blank stare and complete avoidance of your even being alive! :( Gaslighter King :(
I do this when I’m dissociating when approached in a specific moment because I don’t know how to speak in that moment. Some of it is from ptsd.
Seriously, were these people created in some sort of factory assembly line because they are all
Exactly the same!
@@Suzu52 hahaha! you just made my day! Thank u :) lol lol :)
Yes!! My ex would totally freeze, as if I wasn't even there and just ignore me.. I thought I was the only one and thought, no one else would be so crazy to do such a thing to someone.
@Quiche Lorraine xo
Spot on Dr.! Pacification ad nauseum. I despise that phrase, “After all I have done for you”. Much more harm than guilt inducement, especially from a parent.
"After all I have done for you?" That one gets my goat. That is usually when I say ; " Whatever". That ends it most of the time.
"That never happened" , "I never said that' they use that word "never" with so much confidence ...further showcasing the deliberate act to create self doubt where you are concerned🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️
Another great, informative video. Take-away: Don’t try to have an honest conversation with a narcissist because it will not happen. That does not mean that I am not honest, but it means that “they can’t handle the truth.” {movie reference}Thank you, Dr. C. Have a wonderful day!
What was the name of that movie where the warden kept declaring, " we have a failure to communicate"?
To them communication means obedience.
"Cool hand Luke" Paul Neumann
I have met and dealt with all those forms of gaslighting a lot of times. It's true: you can not have an honest conversation with those guys.
How about 'I don't like to argue (so just do what I say).
Oh,yes,i know this one!!! 😊
I heard this before...
Bingo
😳 Do you know my mom?
Mom:
Me: Oh? What are you basing that on?
Mom: I don't want to argue.
Me: No, you want to want to verbally abuse your daughter and not have to defend your statements, because you can't.
said the person with a bunch of assault charges.
"I don't remember saying that"
"I was just kidding"
"You are too sensitive"
Potus
We should write a book with all the things we've gone through. Sadly the book would be so heavy nobody could lift it. Merry Christmas 🎄
OMG my mother uses I was just kidding ALL THE TIME
That's passive aggressive
I've said all those things.
Another thing they say:
"I'm sorry you feel hurt".
" I can't make you feel anything, you do that to yourself "
The most condescending response ever!!!
I'm sorry uou feel that way or I'm sorry you think I have made you feel this way 🤢
OMG! That's what my narc always say when I demand an apology for lying about me.
“Stop torturing yourself”
The abusive N in my life:
If they were verbally abusive and you tell someone they'd tell that person, "we were just talking!"
If I confronted verbal abuse on the spot they'd say, "no one can talk to you!"
If I confronted something they said previously, even if said in the same day, they'd say "I NEVER said that! You're LYING!" 😑
A H,You don't deserve to be with a narc 😈!