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How the Unfaithful Can Win Back Trust and Safety When Dealing with Infidelity
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- Опубликовано: 31 окт 2018
- Samuel shares a significant pointer for the unfaithful spouse trying to win back trust.
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- Amanda, Florida
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
I am the unfaithful. I appreciate this video. I think that she feels like what you were saying about feeling bad for getting caught. But it is more than that. And I know I hurt her.( and it's been 5+ years ago and we never worked through just stayed together) And I came clean to her about 6 months ago about other things she didn't know. I felt a little relief because I hated the deceit and the shame and the guilt. But what I am trying to say was that up until recently I didn't grasp the level of devastation that I had caused. I never meant to hurt her. I am committed to getting the help I need. I never thought in a million years that I would be the betrayer. I can not express with words the level of remorse and regret that I have for my thoughtless actions and it would take me several life times to show her. But I am going to get better and yes I do hope that she sees me down the road a better person and considers giving me another chance. There was a time less than a year ago when she was ready to work on us but my guilt, shame and self-loathing cause me to run. I am so sorry. I pray for forgiveness and ask for anyone who does believe in prayer to pray for my wife's healing, my healing, and the possible reconciliation of our marriage. I k now God is powerful enough and that he is for our marriage in-spite of my unfaithfulness. I know God has forgiven because he knows the sincerity of my heart. I only wish my wife could see it. I have learned more about myself and how to be a husband in the past 6 months than I have my entire life. Sorry this is long. to sum it up PLEASE PRAY FOR HER, I, AND US! Thank you
Praying you guys still
Would love to hear an update on your relationship and how you are doing.
This is literally my story….I’m working on myself as hard as I can, but I honestly feel like I’ve been given too many chances to put in the work because i was too deep in self-pity. I have little hope now. But I’m doing it anyway…I never want to be that man again
With him being the one doing the cheating & claiming to want to work it out, he sure has the complete opposite way of doing so and even when I asked simple things like block the girl off Instagram and her number, he blocked only one of the Instagrams (she had 2) and still had her number. I even sent him one of these videos saying “this explains how I feel a little bit better” and he didn’t even watch it. So basically he just told me that his relationship with this other girl is more important to him than rebuilding trust with me. At least I get it now and I can move on with my life.
Out of all the different videos on youtube, yours really are the only comfort and help I have found.I can not say thank you enough. You have helped me so much and you have made it possible for my husband to listen without feeling bashed and criticized. This is so horribly hard and I'm so hurt, thank you for giving me hope. Your not just saving relationships..your saving people.
I am the betrayed and you are spot on!!! 💯💯💯👏👏👏🙏🙏🙏💝💝💝
I am the betrayed spouse. This speaks volumes! I feel like this is the best one yet. I feel like this is the one video in which we start the process of moving forward. Thank you! Great job Samuel!! ❤️
thank you so much for the encouragement.
This was spot on. I’m s betrayed and I get frustrated when my husband act self righteous and is all “look at all this recovery work I’m doing”, although I do appreciate the effort put in which I know is confusing. A few weeks after the discovery of the infidelity we saw our first therapist, who turned out to be a wack job also. He told me I need to “lose the resentment” to be able to move forward and at the end of the first session he said that despite the circumstances, that sex is healing and to go home and to try to have sex regularly then he looked at my unfaithful husband and said “you can thank me later”. We never went back to him. But here we are 4 months later still recovering and praying things work out but accepting whatever outcome happens but your resources have been the biggest help to both of us.
I needed this video today. My wife was having an emotional affair for years and I just found out a few weeks ago.
We are committed to trying to save our relationship but it’s sooo hard. She’s told me everything(I think- I don’t trust her😫)
Your videos are heaven sent.
We’ve been really working hard these past few week, I’m trying to heal and so is she.
My trigger is when she’s not around... I think about the affair partner, the lies, the hurt...
Thank you for the videos!!
Berlyn Stewart it’s been almost a year since I found out. Please stick with her for now. She might back down and suddenly seem uninterested in working on the affair recovery stuff once the shock wears off. That happened about 4-6 weeks after I found out. We are almost a year down the road and only the last two months has he come back around and really started working on anything real. There’s a lot of shame and just not accepting how badly it hurts a spouse to have this happen. I nearly walked away many times and am thankful I have amazing friends who have worked hard to keep me working with him. Had it not been for them we’d probably be months into the divorce process. Give it at least a year and make sure you are in counseling. It eventually starts to get easier.
very welcome Berlyn. thanks for watching and posting my friend.
@@myearthsuit Thats a great point. We are 5 months from my wifes EA and PA ( July 1 ) - she never disclosed many details ( gaslit, blameshifted, minimized ), kicked the can down the road on addressing it, and now, five months out, proclaims she is a good person, that is was a mistake- completely out of character for her ( 6 month affair- with millions of decisions ), and that it is time to move on. I asked her today if she felt there was trust in our relationship - she says YES ! -- I said none.. she is at a new job ( fired from last one due to affair ) and I asked her about interactions with men. She starts rolling her eyes, etc... literally tells me " I did not know you wanted to know that !" That is her catch phrase during this time period " I did not know" or " It wasn't like that"... minute by minute the thoughts of separation come through my mind... MC starts in January. patience is what i cry every day.
When all this happened I had no idea of what to do. I cheated on my wife and felt so much shame. I grew up in the catholic church and on a whim went to a Christian church with my cousin. I met a person who prayed over me and I've been working on myself. It's only been 7 weeks but looking back on how I acted disgust me. I enjoy this church so much I'm thinking on being saved. I dont know if my spouse and I have a chance but finding faith does help. I watch this blogs everyday.
Hello Samuel,
I'm thankful for your clips. I'm X Special Forces and I was unfaithful to my wife and I used my PTSD as an excuse to cover my guilt. I love my wife I'm very thankful for your openess and honesty
Thank you!!
this is perfect timing as well!! I am planning and praying on sharing another video with my h and thankful this one came up tonight, answer to prayer...he will have to make a decision to either get help himself, be accountable and purely repenting as he's just waited for me to heal so he can sit back and pretend he's all good and doesn't take full responsibility for the pain he's caused and devalued me as a wife, devalued our children and the pain he's caused them...for 4 years now...he's had his time to repent and surrender to The Lord (the fruits that have been harvested are sure proof) ...it will be now, or time for separation...I've held on too long...God does hate divorce but does not exempt any sort of abuse above marriage...The Lord created marriage to be equally yoked and to lay down your life for one another, not throw them under the bus so you can look "good"
I'm so glad that you posted this. Im trying to fix all the damage I've caused
Would love to see more videos that address situations where there was infidelity for both parties and how to heal when neither is just the unfaithful and betrayed spouse. Thank you
Wow, that must get complicated. I've heard them bring it up on here that sometimes the betrayed will have an affair after and then that just complicates things further. It's been encouraged a few times not to fall into that trap.
I am the betrayed spouse .. This all makes sense to me . I think he is sorry he got caught ... Sadly. How I feel.
One the hardest parts, feeling that he is more sorry he got caught then that he caused so much pain
Samuel what do I do as a betrayed spouse who's unfaithful spouse refuses to get help or work on things? And blames me for everything and justifies his behavior as to why his affair is ok? I want to talk about things and refuses. I sent him a few videos and he hasn't watched or listened to them.
Wow. Your timing is impeccable. It has been over a year since D day, and things seem to have gone completely in reverse. She says the past year or so she has just pushed all of her feelings aside to keep me happy, when all I have been doing is trying to figure out how to help her heal. I haven't meant to make it all about me, but somehow that's the way it has been taken. It's like I can't do anything right. I understand that my decisions broke her, but again, there wasn't even a second thought in my mind to stop what I was doing. I have always known that I love her and want to marry her, but my longing fit validation and my "mental illness" coupled with drinking heavily, I tried to force myself away from the one I love. I not only regret every single text message, video, picture, etc, I am completely remorseful. I hate that she is in all of this pain because of me. It has affected her physically, her ability to parent, her day to day life, every aspect of her life, and I would take it all on my shoulders of I could. She seems more adamant that she is not only done, but she seems convinced that she could never trust me again or be able to live with what I have done to her. I am going to therapy, I am reading everything I can to better understand myself and why I do the stupid things I do, I am trying to understand her better, I am doing all that I can on my own. We went from seeing each other and still talking anf working on everything, making progress, to a dead stop and now we haven't gotten to really be together in about 2 months and it's killing me. But as selfish as she thinks I am, I would do anything for her and for her to be ok. I guess I'm just lost. Everything I do comes off as selfish, or manipulative, or just as me being a terrible person... And I am really not. I'm lost. I really don't want to lose her.
Patrick, I’m Terry. I wrote the 1st comment above. Affair Recovery has many free articles online that can help you written by Rick Reynolds, Samuel’s mentor. Also, may I suggest two others. One is HowWeLove.com. By Milan & Kay Yerkovic. They’ve done great work on childhood behaviors we learned in dysfunctional families that interfere with our grownup relationships. They have an online test to determine what dysfunctional behaviors you may have developed that need to be addressed. The second recommendation is The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. We all have different ways of showing love. If you’re speaking one love language & your girl speaks another, neither of you will feel loved. This site also has a test to help you to recognize what actions speak love to you. If she has another style & you use yours, she won’t feel it. Hopefully, she’ll be willing to try these two tests to discover more about herself as well. If you’re really trying to repair your relationship with her, Samuel has many good videos about rebuilding safety in order to rebuild trust. You have a lot of work to do because speaking as a betrayed, you did incredible damage to her. It will take time & help from God. Good luck.
(This is my daughter’s account. I’m Terry)
What if she wants to move on but showing hot and cold signs. I don’t want to devalue myself. However I am understanding and patient.
@@pain4poise Thank you Jake
Would like to see a video on the situation when the married couple is separated but still living in the same house. I am the unfaithful and I would like advice on how to navigate through all this while still living together even though she has told me that we are officially separated. Thank you
I wish I could say truthfully that I felt my wife was really putting in the effort for any kind of recovery for self help or help at all. She still seems to be just going through day to day motions with helping with kids or house stuff thinking everything should go away and just be better. It’s been little over 6 months now since I found out about her affair of 11 months. I am major bitter and angry but hold so much back in effort to try to see any excuse given for what she has made as justification. We have our first real counseling appointment next week and I hope I start feeling some relief. Initiative on her part would be such a relief if it would ever happen. Definitely tired of feeling like I have to negotiate recovery
5 months ago my husband told me that he kissed and flirted with my best friend.....then two weeks ago he confessed to sexual activity with her over a 6 week period during the affair after saying that it never happened. I asked him so many times I'd anything else happened and he kept saying no. Then he said he couldn't keep inside anymore. How do I begin to forgive again? We are starting over it seems. I'm so confused and lost.
hi erin, i would do the free bootcamp asap: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp then i would consider the ems weekend: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend it's vital for you to do recovery work together, while also having individual work as well. there are courses for you both to do on your own too: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing you can also apply for financial aid for any of the online courses by going here: www.affairrecovery.com/scholarship-application-request
Thank you so much for this video. I was interested in what your status was and what you did immediately following dday, as that is where I am. I started counseling today. My wife is also giving me no sign the marriage will continue. But I know I need help to be a healthy partner. Please Pray for healing for my wife, and for my journey ahead of me. Thank you again.
How to help my kids heal from the shame and disappointment of my cheating husband?
i would be the best, most loving mom you can be and consult a family therapist as well to help them heal and move forward slowly but surely.
We don’t “love to” test you, we have to test you because you are UNSAFE.
Samuel Should you make the suggestion to the unfaithful about them seeking help for themselves or should you allow them to feel it and seek it on their own?
there's nothing wrong with asking them to get help at all. it's a great suggestion and it's usually out of a heart for them to get healthy and find clarity and ultimately help both of you. there comes a point where you have to pull back if they are not getting help at your suggestions and if you're asking them and asking them and they're still not getting help, perhaps that's the time to pull back and leave them to themselves.
That made sense thanks
How does someone find a "mentor"?
if you take a course on our site, you'll be in a scenario where there will be a group leader but who will also provide some mentorship to you. you can get on our site and see who answers on the group wall and see if there are any individuals that would consider it. also, a great third party expert may be someone you can trust to do that as well like a therapist or counselor or coach.