SPOT ON!! I related to ALL of this!! THANK YOU! Especially the part when you said that they use your past hurts from family members against you to isolate you. That happened to me for years Literally this whole video was me
Sorry to hear that this happened to you , but I believe that the person who’s using your past hurt as a form of manipulation to get you to stay in the relationship /friendship and to have power over you so it’s makes it difficult to leave.
I think Financial Audits toxic and abusive. Caleb just posts thumbnails to mock and degrade his guests. He screams and yells at them like a manchild, knows he has vulernable mentally ill guests, and continues to abuse them and make them worse, as well as fostering a community to come attack them and crap all over them. It has RL consequences. Its harmful, he needs to stop. Please talk to him before someone snaps on him im afraid lives are gonna be ruined
People also need to realize not every victim is the crying woman curled up in a ball we see portrayed in movies. Alot of women will fight back and stand up for themselves until they have no fight left in them. You start acting like the abuser in many ways. It changes who you are. It becomes normal to be called names everyday and fight and argue everyday. That is your life. You slowly lose yourself and become a person you don’t recognize anymore.
This i very very common i have become cold and very insensitive toward others from my family abuse especially from sick brother i have thought about horrible things what to do to him because im fed up really i have seen his trying to kill me and father pshysical abuse and emotional i feel wortless and mad and of course cyber bylling from my own city latvians and french hate them
I have started noticing myself wanting to be fight back and be aggressive, as though the only way to communicate with them is to shout like crazy and be aggressive like them. But I have been catching myself when I had those thoughts... And remember that's not who I am and I don't want to become like them. I don't know how long more I can keep sane and not turn into them though...
Ive been out of my abusive relationship 6 years. And i have stayed single. Im kind of afraid to let anyone In because it always starts good then the flip switches. But mentally i am in the best space i have ever been. Nobody talks to me or treats me like crap and i am me again. We have a son together tho so he will go off and it brings me right back to that dark place and i in return will act out of character to defend myself. You realy cant be reasonable with someone like that. Its gonna be a lifelong battle of healing but we got this! Get away from your abuser even if u have to go to a domestic violence shelter. I had to go and they helped me get a place. Its a free place to stay for awhile. The one i was at was pretty nice we had our own private rooms with locks . You cant even begin to heal until you get away 💖 i am here if anyone needs to talk. I was only there for one month and had my own place again Its very empowering to leave for good took a few tries and 5 years but i did it
My ex was so abusive that I wound up hospitalized and almost died bc of him. Then after I left, my mental health was so bad that I ended up hospitalized two more times. I'm fully recovered now after two years of consistent therapy. There is hope.
So sorry that happened to you i experienced very similar things I was hospitalized with panic attacks and anxiety And I started to have chronic anxiety depression narcissist will make you physically and mentally sick and crazy so glad you got away and you healed God-bless
Thank you for sharing this - it does sometimes get worse before it gets better! And while platitudes aren’t super helpful, hearing from folks who actually made it through certainly is ❤ Keep on healing 🤗✨
Some times the abused ends up isolating themselves, because they are so ashamed that they ended up in this kind of relationship. They become so depleted of energy from trying to emotional regulate themselves and the abuser, that they have nothing left for most others. The abused might be severely ashamed of themselves because they can't believe they allowed them selves to become victim. By the time one realizes they have been emotionally abused, they might have no where to go.
You left out the financial independence. It's hard to pay rent in a lot of cities these days if you're not educated or have a low-skill job. If your abuser can keep a roof over your head it makes it harder to pull away.
One of the hardest things about getting support as a man is that everyone assumes you're the abuser. This assumption isn't just hurtful and insulting, it's terrifying. You're terrified that you'll lose your family, your friends, your job, maybe even your freedom
Men have to document 50 x more than women to be believed, but don’t give up. My now husband went through this and the situation is much better. He even got full custody of his kids.
Leave. Go to court and file for parental rights and responsibilities. Keep a record of everything your partner does. Take pictures of any bruises or marks or things they break. Record . Write down every incident with dates and times. If you think she is a danger to the kids file emergency custody. Domestic violence shelters will take men as well they cannot discrimination. You will not lose your kids for leaving her. A judge will see through her crap and if she keeps playing those games you will end up with full custody. Dont give up. But get out asap u are not betraying your kids by leaving her. You are leaving her not your kids. And if the relationship is unhealthy then it is honestly best for your kids for you to leave. Dont model an unhealthy or abusive relationship to them because that is how the cycle repeats in generations. Sadly i saw my mom get abused and found myself in the same situation at 20 years old to 25. When u see it growing up its normal to u.
@@JenessaAndKingston Shelters may say they don't discriminate but they do. And as a guy, I have to agree with that to a point simply because women are more vulnerable and feel less safe with a strange guy around. I can understand that and I can sleep in my truck under a bridge about as easily as I can in a shelter. And if it makes the women more at ease, so be it.
Well good sound advice you’re giving to this man the more he stays with her the more likely the kids would be in harms way even if she doesn’t abuse the children themselves no child should see their parents getting abused father or mother . The more proof he has the better most likely the mom in this situation may have some issues herself she hasn’t worked out so it’s possible she’s taking it on him .As a child you may think it’s normal because you it’s possible you don’t any better unless someone tells you otherwise .
The thing is society tends support women than do men because it may be more common & some people may not be aware that men do get abused by women . Saying that as a guy myself we’re human beings too and no one deserves to be treated this way man woman or child .
Emotional Abuse was so much harder to accept. My mom was in denial with how bad she was being treated and it was our normal. Just because there were no physical scars it made us feel like we’re the problem and we just needed to do better.
@@daygomermaid this is true because emotional abuse isn’t visibility seen like physical abuse so your love ones or anyone who cares for you may not notice right away but you’re right it can be just as damaging even more than the physical .
This is literally happening to me right now I just snapped after months and now all of a sudden I’m the delusional abusive one because I couldn’t control myself but where is the accountability on his part it’s not fair. I didn’t mean it but now I’m the bad person and he’s the victim.😢
I will never forget the day I went as a Man to the YWCA and talked to a counselor and she handed me a page with the 4 types of abuse on it and pointed out to me I was experiencing 2 of them. I learned that day that men too can be abused. That was the day I decided I was done and would find a way to exit.
Discussing reactive abuse may be a very informative addition. Another idea is how we can carry abusive patterns into otherwise healthy relationships after experiencing abuse.
Oh I feel your pain on this yes my now x friend did verbally and emotional abusing me at that time back then she never apologized for her behavior towards me she is a coward very disrespectful and toxic manipulative to people like that and what you went through they need a taste of there own medicine eventually it will come back to strike them to it’s called karma they will be dealt with!🙏🏻
This is probably one of the best explanations of an abusive relationship. It really shows the lack of empathy most people have when you try to speak up about this. And it really takes a lot to be able to leave money being a huge factor. Once I make enough money I feel like I am out even though he doesn't do the abusive stuff anymore.
I was used to this cycle from my childhood with my family. So of course it never occurred to me that my fiancé emotionally abused me. My therapist has to literally draw it out for me and it took me a long time to fully understand and not blame myself. Thank you for making this video.
Thanks, Kati. It’s extremely confusing for people! Especially if it’s very covert and the person starts the abuse later in life because they are free to do so! Family members are subtly mentioned in a derogatory way and this puts thoughts in the victims mind to not bother with them and so people become isolated, especially if the abuser is close them, in any type of relationship. Who wants to believe someone they love and trust is capable of doing such a horrible thing to them? People end up stuck because maybe they are already vulnerable or a caring, kind, and somewhat naive person who loves to make people happy and the abuser knows this. They fake anxiety around the victim to put them on edge so they’ll do their best to please them or they visit their home, act like they’re not bothered, fall asleep in front of them, act disinterested, and end up arguing and going round in circles, bringing up the past when talking about present problems, to avoid accountability! Then they’ll say the victim started an argument and storm off! Then when they leave, the victim feels more unloved, unappreciated, invisible and upset. Then the abuser disappears for days, weeks, or even months, maybe turns off their phone on purpose, so that the victim feels lonely, unsupported, and wondering what they did wrong! Then the abuser will come back and apologise and maybe do some jobs for them or take them on a day trip somewhere nice. The victim then feels relieved and happy that things are going to change for the better! Maybe they spoil the abuser and buy them something - It’s great until it’s not! It happens again and again, until the victim eventually catches on, despite, the cognitive dissonance. They may think they’re right about the abuse and then take it back, thinking they made a mistake, but eventually, it all becomes too clear, especially the longer the victim stays away from the abuser! When a person finds themselves looking up information about an abuser’s behaviour and analysing what they say, their body language, hot and cold behaviours, gaslighting etc - that’s the BIGGEST red flag ever and the victim should majorly reduce contact or cut the relationship off completely!! They should also seek help from people outside of their circle because family members and friends may not understand or believe the victim. And if the victim has anxiety about other things it’s even harder to be believed. Thing is, it’s uncomfortable to believe someone you knew could do such a thing, but they can and they do, but it’s easier and more comfortable not to believe the victim. This makes them feel more lonely, unsupported, and wondering if people think they’re a bad person because the abuser could just say it’s them, it’s the victim that’s the problem. The victim cannot win! The only way to win is to walk away and work on themselves! The worst part to come out of it is it’s harder to trust people and the best is that speaking up for themselves is no longer a problem, they’ll stand up for what’s right and speak their truth from then on, and so they should! Knowledge is power and this is why channels like these are the best! Thanks for sharing your knowledge and awareness, Kati! 🤓 ps, I know this comment is wayyy too long! 😆 Just couldn’t help but share!
This was my relationship with my father. 10 years ago he crossed a line and threatened my husband and that was the last straw. I put up with his emotional abuse for YEARS but seeing him threatening someone I cared about was like breaking the chain on his control over me. I gave him an ultimatum that he had a problem and he needed to get professional help for me to have a relationship with him. I stuck to that and and have cut him out of my life because he has refused to address his issues. I mourn the father/daughter relationship I had because the 'calm' phases with him gave me some of my best childhood memories, but the abuse isn't worth it. It's hard...very hard, but I am so much happier now. Sometimes it just takes someone getting to a breaking point before they are able to do something about it.
I left my abusive husband 14 years ago. I still feel like I have not recovered from it, or fully dealt with it so I can have a happy relationship with another man. I am seeing someone now for the first time in 14 years!! I keep waiting for the shoe to drop! I hate feeling like this! It’s not fair to my new “friend “
In my experience with an emotianly abusive father, friends would say to me sonething betwweb the lines of "But come on, is your dad, you have to forgive him him" and I know this wasnt with ill intention, but this kind of just confused me more through the path of accepting that the person that used to be my dad is a toxic person that is better out of my life
It annoys me to hear this and that I should call Dad on Father's day, I did twice this; I was ignored. These people(not all) expect me to forgive, forget. What they don't know is that Dad expects when I would forgive and forget, that it let him off the hook of responsibility. Dad would pull the same nonsense on me.
This is very helpful. I admire the clarity. @ 8:30. "spend time with friends and family". Please consider editing that. Family history is often the reason people are are drawn to abusive relationships. Suggesting they go from a current abusive situation to return to a to a past abusive situation is problematic. It's a good video, and I understand that it's hard to get honest, informed feedback.
Excellent and powerful Katie! I am a surviver having left behind that which no longer served me. My story is long, but I was fortunate to have support from a domestic violence hotline and my older brother. I spent two years in preparation to become self-sufficient with two pre-teens. For years, I was too afraid and felt guilty about taking the kids away from their father.My brother provided me with a car and driving lessons. I started working part-time to save money. My ex knew he was no longer in control and became much more abusive. I am fortunate; it's much more difficult if you have been isolated and have no money, phone, or resources. I am a success story. I went back to school and eventually had my own business. It was important to me to provide a good example for my children even though I was so scared. They were shown that it was not how a marriage should be. I pay it forward now with offering my support and paying it forward.
You put in capital letters emotional abuse but jump to physical violence into the video. There's so many types of abuse and I was really looking forward to hearing about emotional abuse and how to get away from that. I'm not in danger of getting my ass kicked but I'm constantly manipulated and blamed for everything. Nobody ever backs me up because I don't have a bunch of bruises on me. No one even believes me so I always end up blaming myself. I would rather have a physical abuse than this bullshit because I could get help then.
Have you seen Dr. Ramani’s RUclips channel? I definitely understand how frustrating it is that it’s not physical because people don’t take it seriously. Nobody wants to help because you’re not in “immediate” danger 🙄
It sounds like Borderline personality disorder with Narcissistic tendencies. Not physical violence but definitely emotional abuse and gaslighting. Dr. Ramani does have some great videos too.
@@laneyb8017 I'm pretty sure I'm dealing with a covert narcissist but I learned to avoid diagnosing, which I am not qualified to do and ultimately is irrelevant anyway. I have never hit anybody in my entire life, not even spanked my children, but I'm a man, a veteran and twice her size. Hitting and using physical pain as a form of communication are about as asinine as it gets in my opinion. But because I am a man and twice her size I am unable to get any help or support. The most supportive response from somebody I have tried to talk to was that it was far more likely it was me doing the narcissistic and abusive things to her than her doing them to me. But strangely it was not because of my physical size but because it's believed I am smarter than her. Like this is a game of wits somehow. I can beat her in chess and know calculus far better than she does but she always wins her never ending warS of attrition. My mother has passed away and my dad is just as narcissistic as she is. I have no family help. And of course after 15 years of being with her I don't have any friends anymore so I am isolated. I am also now disabled, and do not have direct control of any money and cannot survive on my own. After a few reaches for help that were dismissed or not believed or victim blamed, I probably wouldn't have believed me either but resulted in suicide attempts, it will take a miracle for me to ever just ask for help again let alone receive it. I am stuck. I have heard Dr Ramani say radical acceptance is likely my only option. I still feel that I have some value and that my feelings matter and I just can't make myself roll over, shut-up and try not to take the abuse personally. Hence why I'm looking for methods to stay above the intentional baiting into fights and emotional abuse/affection starvation. The best help I have received so far is from the book Psychopath Free. The validation I received from that book especially the 30 red flags section saved my life. I am currently surviving but I want to live. Kati, I do not mean to solely complain and I GREATLY appreciate your time and effort to create such a valuable resource for people like me. Thank you very very much. Keep up the outstanding work. If I may, I'd like to make a request for some straight married male-centered content. I do not mean to dismiss or invalidate anybody else's experience but I am certain that for typical middle aged WASP-ish straight men like myself, the experience of living with and surviving non-physical narcissistic abuse inflicted by a woman is different than basically ALL of the related content I've seen on RUclips. There is tons of general advice and there's plenty of women's centered advice but I have never seen anything remotely addressing my experience as a man having to wrestle with societal norms stereotypes and the subsequent difficulty of getting help especially just being brave enough to ask for it. Or even just realizing I'm being abused and somehow coming to terms with that without feeling my "manhood" is gone.
Emotional abuse can escalate into physical abuse, it never starts with physical abuse, punches, kicks. It always starts with "you shouldn't do that." "You'd look/feel/be better if you do X/Y/Z." Then they get a little more aggressive with the control and distortion of your experience. "That isn't what happened, because I remember it this other way, so you must too." "You have no reason to be upset at me, I'm the one who is hurt by YOU, your emotions/thoughts/concerns are not valid." Then the hitting starts when you start to push back and fight for equal respect. To let you know they will do anything to maintain control over a situation. But they'll excuse it, justify it, it isn't abuse when they do it. Only when anyone else does. If you feel emotionally abused, don't believe physical abuse isn't possible in the future, just get away from the abuser before it could even happen. Please.
I grew up with an abusive mother who herself grew up with abusive parents in a poor country recovering from civil war. I need to get around to watching more of your videos, and will after I graduate this spring! I’ve had only two non-abusive partners in my past - they liked me but couldn’t understand that I didn’t want children because it would break me psychologically. Getting out is so hard, and the huge demands put on someone being asked to leave an abusive relationship is unappreciated. Domestic abuse survival should be celebrated unabashedly, I think.
Finally answers and understanding… I’ve been put down as a mom and human being for years for going back to someone who’s slowly killing me. Thank you for showing true love love through teaching. I appreciate this video so much. I just left right now with a swollen eye and other injuries hoping I don’t go back…
I'm 48, just got out of a relationship. For the past 4 years and 5 months, I realized that BF (57 years old) had narcissistic behavior, constantly getting emotionally abused through his harsh verbal abuse and actions that he will constantly snap at me. Didn't know what it was, I was stuck, but once I'm out, the emotional pain of all sorts of mixture is so bitter inside of me. This whole video was me as well. Thank God I wasn't married to him nor been shacking up.
It's so easy to analyse a relationship from the outside, were we are not emotionally involved. I feel that's why ppl stay, more than logic or practical thinking.
With my father it was not so much a cycle. I always felt that he could be angry in a second, or say something hurtful or damage something that belongs to me, whether it is something I own or a job or relationships with friends. My father could be very active in making the home cozy and baking cakes or pies. He was cheerful, but I did not feel it that way. I was always alert for something not so nice to happen. This was just me. My siblings did not feel that way. I was the scapegoat. When I left home and visited my parents, it always turned out to be a sad experience. Everybody tried to convince me, that this was because of me. When I stayed away for my own mental health, people told me to do something to improve the relationship with my parents. Nobody believed me if I said that did would never work and that even if it is all my fault, I do not want the bad experiences. In my marriage, I was so happy because my husband was not so bad as my father was, that I forgot that he was abusive too. He demanded too much of me and did not always respect my boundaries. After 28 years, I divorced him, and I am so happy to be alone. We are still friends, but I never want to be in a relationship or marriage again. I need my freedom and my happiness to be alone,
Love this video, Katie! Having compassion is so important. To be a victim of narcissistic abuse means this must have been modelled in childhood by either narcissistic parents/family/teachers or at the very least learned codependency. At 44 years, I have repeated this dysfunctional dynamic for most of my life. But with hard work and healing it's definitely possible to engage in healthy relationships.
HI Kati. First, I want to say that I think you were the very first mental health specialist I followed on YT. Thank you, thank you. I would like to speak a little bit about abuse that does not happen in the typical gender norms roles of male aggressors and female victims. After finally leaving my marriage of 25 years, I can look back and see the signs of an abusive relationship. Feigning curiosity and taking it back, gaslighting, social isolation, constantly moving goal posts of acceptance, framing autonomy as selfishness. As a women, these things are really hard to describe (esp in the moment), and hard to admit to a listener we hope is a safe listener. It's REALLY hard a man. Even people in my life that I would guess to be very emotionally aware and connective are *really* uncomfortable with male vulnerability on a regular day, but when that vulnerability is about another person in their life they love, respect and admire, it's that much harder. All the tropes of "marriage is just hard sometimes" or "you need to go work on those things on your own time" are easy deflections from that discomfort the listener is feeling. It's not physical violence. It's not "abuse" in the daily parlance, but it's real. And it's really challenging to find a listener who can sit with it.
Been there done that too many times with him. Tried over a dozen times to throw him out. We were never married. Thank goodness. But he was so terrifyingly oppressive. And unbelievably judgmental It was extreme verbal and emotional abuse. Terrifying. Scared to Sleep. He made up so much stuff and onetime threatened to have arrested for something that I never ever did. Unbelievably jealous and lacking in his own self esteem and self worth. He was as right to be self conscious of these things. He was a worthless bum and totally useless. He was law enforcement so this made things so much worse. I finally was able to throw him out of my house ( yes MY HOUSE not his). He was gone for 4 years and I lived in abject terror of him returning. Then after the four years he died. Sad to say but i finally felt completely safe again. But the damage was done. I felt like he tried to amputate my soul. These people are almost DEMONS.
Question1: for people who deal with narcissistic/manipulative parents, how can we distinguish “psychological abuse love bombing” and genuine care from another person? In other words, what is a defining characteristic or line that can be drawn between the two? Question 2: does the narcissistic individual knowingly love bomb, or is it possible they may be unaware they are doing this? Thank you! I love your videos. They have been so helpful for reinforcing my strategies from therapy. 😊
I don't know where to put this where you'll find it. There was a response to a comment I made on your channel that read "OK Text me" it had your photo and a phone number but I'm not so sure it was from you #kati Morton and not someone possibly pretending to be you. Los Angeles area code. Please let me know if this is something you would or would not do. Thanks.
Yes, the victim shaming is the worst! If we knew we were being abused, we wouldn’t allow it. Why do people assume we know?? That being said, it is possible for us to perpetuate it. My husband and I were both emotionally abused by our parents, so sometimes we both will emotionally abuse each other because we are still under stress. I wonder if there is a solution for that. We both don’t want to get divorced, but we can’t keep hurting each other either. 😞 Edit: Also, while reaching out to friends and family might work for some people, for most of us, we ended up in the abusive relationship for a reason. When I started reaching out to my family, I realized exactly where the most abuse was coming from. And I didn’t have many friends because my family wouldn’t allow it. I would rather be with my husband than spend another minute with such an abusive family of origin.
Having ADHD and having been sexually abused as a child makes the narcissistic abuse that much worse..my ex wife couldn't accept my disorders and I ended up doing something that caused her to divorce me.. she ended up having to pay me so she could keep her house. I am now in a good place with good, loyal friends, even my new dog (corgi) is more loyal than she was.
I enjoyed this video. I have had a fear of being alone. I have “people-pleased” to be helped and not abandoned as I have been in abusive situations where I have begun to be stuck in. I was naive and didn’t understand that when someone is so nice in the beginning, then, yes, “tension building” had begun to occur and tried to get out whenever I was being hurt both emotionally and physically. It’s scary and easier to stay because there are many things I have needed help for like my “basic needs” being met. For example, my ex-partner was nice then began destroying my stuff…I was scared in the relationship, but I felt I was not able to leave because I put my life in his hands. I have been abused by others as well; people have criticized the fact I leave and tired of my drinking and posting. I have felt misunderstood and more alone as whenever I “escape”, I get into another toxic situation. I really have felt lost and confused, especially with low self-esteem. Anyway, now, after my whole life being controlled, I now spend time with someone long enough to get to know them so I don’t get hurt again…*Also…I have left relationships before they do something to abandon me. So, I’m striving for a healthy relationship that I’ve not ever had…struggles all around with no escape. At times I want to leave this world because (unconditional) love is very difficult to find. I’m working on moving forward and focusing on myself more to become my own best friend as I have had trouble making friends all my life. I’ve been lied to, hurt, and neglected. I even became like my abusers (victim changes, not the perpetrator)…learned the hard way. Today I’m still struggling but not as badly as earlier in my life as I have opened my eyes and now understand I can’t change them (I’ve tried everything to re-invent someone for my well-being, but that back-fired). I’ve come a long way and realize that no matter what I’ve done/said is no excuse to be harmed in any way…*I used to blame myself for causing it due to behaviors, but after learning more about domestic violence, it is not ever okay to go through and be involved with mistreatment.
A mother is an important figure in any Childs life and I am trying to imagine how difficult and heart wrenching it must of been for you having a mother as you described. I hope you can find some relief and give yourself unconditional love and know you are worthy of love and respect from others!
I thought for a very long time that I was not in a circle of abuse because I had the tension building and the incident and sometimes even the calm phase but there was never any kind of love or affection. Then I realized that you don’t need a love bombing phase when you have “total control”. I decided for myself that what happened between my father and me was a circle of abuse, and I don’t care if it fits the official definition, because it feels right. Also, I don’t have another word to put to this phenomenon… what do you guys think about the word “life theme” for this kind of repeating abusive behaviour? Is it more fitting than circle of abuse or do you have another idea for a word to put to this?^^
I hid in a warehouse for years. I come out of hiding then he showed up over and over again. I changed my patterns of what I did. He won’t go away until I’m dead.
Hi Kati! I’ve been watching your videos since you first started out - you’re one of my favorites on social media! 😊 I was wondering if you’d be able to talk about abusive friendships? I’ve been through a few mild ones, but the most recent one was the worst BY FAR. I had to cut off someone who I thought was my best friend and that was really hard. I haven’t talked to her since May 2020 and I’m still trying to heal from it. I even had people basically spelling it out for me that she was incredibly abusive & manipulative, but I just couldn’t let myself see it. I always made excuses or said things like “you don’t know all the amazing times we’ve had, these are just bad stories.” I know, I know, SO MANY RED FLAGS. I find myself either wanting to be super close to people or not wanting anything to do with them. If it helps for context, I have BPD, so these feelings have been heightened even more than usual.
We also have to recognize that men are also victins of abuse and it can feel so lonely. Men are typically not seen as victims but we can be. Abuse can be so mamy things, not just physical abuse.
Exactly!!! Manipulation, lying, black mailing, guilt trips, etc are just as harmful and can threaten your livelihood just as much as physical. Especially if you’re a male when society expects you to base your worth off of providing. All it takes is one lie to mess that up and all the other manipulative things can add a lot of stress to prevent you from it
@@M.j.7 Yes, we have a prime example in the Depp/Heard trial of what it can be like. It is damaging no matter who is getting abused. As a man, we are taught to "take it" and our boundaries are very high because of it. It means very few probably seek help because of shame. It took me a long time to admit that I had been abused because in that process I had to realize that I have been bad at taking my emotions seriously, at the core, I did not trust my own feelings, until I did and finally broke up with her. And the thing is, with abusers, the real nightmare oftenly starts after the breakup, that is when it gets scary and that is why so many try deslerately not to reach that point. I would recommend having plans made before you break up. Plan the breakup date and then see that you have support and protection to immidietly fall back on.
I am in abusive relationship for almost 12 years now. I met him when I was 18 and I was so blind for all of that red flags... Now I feel so hopeless. It's not about that I love him, I hate him so much and I know it never will be better but I am too affraid to leave because he threaten me he will kill my mother. I know it's true and he can do it because he is just trully pure evil. My mother live litteraly next house and I don't know how to protect her from him. I am so scared and I don't know how long I can live like this. Nobody knows about it and I am pretending living happy life and hate myself for that
I am so sorry. It is true that the most dangerous time for a victim of abuse is when we try to leave. That is why it may be a good idea to get law enforcement involved. You also need to make a secret plan. Does he ever go away for the weekend fishing or anything? I planned for quite some time. I opened a secret bank account. There wasn't much in it, but it was something. The bank was not supposed to send me anything in the mail. They screwed up and did. I tried to tell him I just wanted my own little account for pocket change and he did not believe me. I packed a backpack with enough clothing and necessities for a couple of days and hid it. When the time was right, (I waited until he went out dirtbike riding) for the day. I packed my vehicle to leave. Prior, I made arrangements to stay with a friend for a couple of weeks. My ex came home as I was just leaving. I just ended up screaming at him, telling him that I was leaving and would never be back. I peeled out in the driveway and got out of there. Also, what about a DV shelter for both you and your mom?
I was in an abusive relationship. I cut the relationship more than 10 times then I come back again because he kept saying I became a better man I'm so sorry I'll be the best man for you and... we went to therapist for more than 10 sessions but it didn't work... he sometimes hit me.. once he slapped me in the face.. he attacked me and pushed me on the ground.. he hurt me physically so many times but after that he was really sorry and wanted to get better... I loved him so much and he loved me too.. but he just was not able to behave himself... He broke up with me for the first time after 2 and a half years last week but again he texts me and put posts on Instagram and I'm sure he'll come back to me again with all I get better and I'm sorry and ... but I don't want to come back again.. although we had so many amazing memories we almost travelled all over the country we were happy when we didn't fight... I hope I and other people like me get better soon :)
I’m a guy and I was love bombed. I think that’s the crux of the issue, where the abusive partner somehow sees you as a likely victim and showers you with validation. It’s a set up, and manipulation tactic, and really unbelievable. How did I feel at that time? I felt like I was in movie! A romantic movie where the waves were washing over me and her and I were rolling on the beach like, "From Here to Eternity.” When the abusive anger started, I let it go, thinking this was just a fluke temporary thing. Eventually, months later, it became the, “cycle,” of every month or so there would be some insignificant incident that would make her blow up. Often just anger at me for nonsensical reasons, but every once a while it was Mt Vesuvius exploding. Out of control, crying and screaming, in public! I would actually run away, for the very real reason that someone seeing this, might think I was the abusive one and call the police. Where, I might be just standing in park casually talking and she would explode. Eventually, the great feeling and memory of the love bombing faded, and reality was I had to accept she was personality disordered. Nothing I could do helped, and I tried EVERYTHING. I’m glad I had the experience of the love bombing because it did show how it’s possible to have someone really have your back and validate you. It’s something that is important and I will always value.
I'm glad you were strong enough to get through it and know you are worthy and you are loved and I understand the point where you are like so scared that people would see US the abuse of and stand strong in yourself trust in yourself there is hope
True. In my first serious relationship, I was engaged to a girl I met at school. We were growing closer and we were married. But something happened when I asked my father's approval for marriage. He said out right the only reason why he accepted my fiance into the family was because it was what I wanted. It was the beginning of the end for us. I began to withdraw from her. I buried the rage, frustration, anger, guilt and shame my father stirred up in me. I was trapped in the cycle of abuse. I became overly controlling. I pushed her away. The rift grew wider between us. She left me after two years. For years I was self abusing myself. I was trapped in cycles of depression and guilt. I came close to committing suicide. 😢 If you have similar dangerous feelings, please seek help ASAP before it is too late.
I wasn’t allowed to speak, leave the house….he got angered when I left for a doctors appointment and would always make me late, angry if I spoke to relatives, physical hurt, physically abused to the point in the hospital many times, threatened to get him off at court, threatened to be killed, what I was allergic to he would put it in his hands and cuff it over my mouth and force me to ingest it, monitoring house cameras on no contact, said he was waiting for an accident to happen to me, when I got hurt he would re injury me, constant making fun of me daily, stalking, changing passcodes on devices….the list goes on.
I've never been comfortable talking to a therapist because what if I'm being abusive to the therapist and I don't even know? What if I say or do something stupid on an impulse and get involuntarily hospitalized or arrested or something?
Sometimes it starts out slow and subtle. And they spent years manipulating you, so you think it’s your fault and if you could just be better. You start to believe everything. When I first got slapped, I thought I deserved it. I was ashamed to tell anyone for the longest time. Oh but he was sorry and it won’t happen again. (It did, and I got blamed for it.) I have 3 kids, and my sole purpose was to not lose them. As my spouse made threats about taking me to court over them multiple times. Why women don’t just leave? Fear. Trying to protect their kids.you’re gaslit to think it’s you. You’ve been mentally broken down over time.first time my husband had unaliving thoughts he blamed me. Second time he did try to unalive himself, he said I was partially to blame. I’m finally seeing a DV counselor, who opened my eyes. It’s a scary and empowering process.
@sarahgopats4571 I agree with everything you said. For me, the abuse was very gradual and over a very long time. It slowly escalated over the years (29). For me, it was emotional/mental abuse, etc. It began with criticism under the guise of being "helpful" to me. I am embarrassed to admit this, I did not realize that his treatment of me was abuse, until the end. It became so bad that I finally asked him "Is there anything that you DO like about me"? And, "If you feel that I am such a problem, why are you with me"? At first, it was all behind closed doors. Most of our friends thought that he was this great guy that treated me so well. He did buy me expensive gifts but, I do not believe those gifts were about me. They were about making HIM look good. Towards the end, he was abusing me in front of other people, friends, family, and his employees. To complicate things more, over the years my ex became an alcoholic. By the time I got out, he was a late-stage alcoholic that was beginning to drink at 7 am, daily. For the longest time, I stayed because I just wanted him to go back to the man that he was for the first several years that we were together. I was also really scared. I tried to fix him and of course, that was a miserable failure. About 10 years ago, I started to see the way he was treating me for all that it was, and I began to think about leaving. It took two tries. I got the help that I needed and life is good today.
As someone born into a family that’s been emotionally abusive, I find myself doing the same to my spouse. Having been physically abused by an ex before, it’s the last thing I ever wanted to become and here I am questioning if I’ve turned the tables on the best relationship I’ve ever had. Katie, if you see this or if anyone else has any valuable information about finding out you may be the abuser yourself and how to fix it or cope with it, please give me your input. It’s not physically abusive, I’d never lay a hand on my sweet man. I have a temper when it comes to perfectionism around the house or viewpoints that we differ on and I’d really like to not get so heated. I’ve become more reserved with affection as time goes on as well and I’m going back to therapy, but I wonder if anyone who sees this has advice or is maybe finding this out about themselves as well. It’s difficult to admit and deal with, but I want to change and be better for him because I do love him and I don’t understand why I act this way yet. Thanks for any input! I don’t think I should leave him, I truly think he’s the one because I’ve changed for the better in so many ways already. It’s like he’s bringing these things out in me and pushes my buttons (not on purpose) in order to locate that there really is a problem inside me that needs fixed and I find that really lovely and fulfilling. It’s like we push each other to continue being better, I just don’t have the best tact in my communication and can be quite harsh. I can tell he walks on eggshells sometimes and I truly wish I had a rewind button to undo some of the things I’ve said. Thanks again for answering if you can. Please don’t be assuming that we need to break up though, that would break both of our hearts. I want to work towards a solution not a last resort. I’m trying to be better, I do apologize to him and he says he’s seen me make leaps and bounds of progress-I just don’t feel I’ve made enough considering his past abuse with his own father that he still has a tense relationship with yet puts up with. It makes me wonder if he does the same with me.
I just don’t get how they do not see how wrong and cruel they are. Is like you are nothing to them. Like you are not human to them, just a thing without value.
My narcissistic mother psychologically and sexually abused me. She's thankfully dead now, but I so wanted her to love me that I remained in contact with her and even bought her things to try and buy her love. Had I known how much I would have liked not having her around, I would have cut her off. It's best to leave because these people are losers and pathetic assholes. The best part of the relationship was when I blocked her number for months on end. I was thrilled when she said she didn't like it. The best thing you can do is leave these relationships as much as you can.
I am no expert in any stretch of the imagination, but leave no stone unturned to find help. Life can and should be full of joy. Please go find it. You are in charge of your life.
Inaccurate in my opinion….the incident happened every day I was made fun of until I cried, there was no honeymoon phase afterwards, he kept being angry at me and blamed me for him acting out. There were no gifts. It got so bad that he kept stalking, hurting, trying to harm me to the point of no return. So what is this type of abuse?!
I agree with you to a point. I do believe that some people with abusive partners go through the honeymoon phase. I believe she was speaking in general. I can NEVER remember a time of going through the honeymoon phase. I do remember going through a calmer period, yet, I knew that it was always coming and I still walked on eggshells.
I think calm comes from both sides being exhausted. You have to get away to process, journal, read up, listen to podcasts, maybe therapy to self check! They usually never apologize they give silent treatment, devalue, gaslight etc.. use vulnerabilities against you to use as weapons! Very painful, get out of forest to see what’s happening. We go back to what we endured during childhood traumas it’s so familiar. We don’t want this or like it!
.. This actually happened to me.. I was the first victim of the abused cycle savanah she's just idk like when we do something she hate she bullied us and she's popular and I always cry and get her everthing and admire them... And I did the same to other people.....
Two of my abusive relationships had a distinct honeymoon phase where they would buy me gifts and take me out on expensive and enjoyable dates. That is what kept me hooked for a while.
Is it possible for the abuser(s) to not even realize what they are doing? I want to live my life. I just want to work and make a little bit of money for my children.
The language and themes of therapy, psychology, feminism, progressivism, compassion, activism, and victimhood, can be used by abusers to either further abuse or to cover up or make excuses for abuse. It's a great tactic for the abuser to head off any criticism of themselves by going around behind your back "confiding" in receptive people in yours and their lives, about your "abuse" (often merely your attempts to stick up for yourself in moments of abuse or completely fabricated incidents or scenarios) either by misrepresenting what happened, only giving an exaggerated version of their side of the story. By doing this the abuser can alienate you from these people, further isolating you. Some abusers go so far as creating a network of friend and family relationships based primarily on gaslighting, even concocting whole narratives where the unaware victim (who is often too busy walking on eggshells and dealing with the abuse to talk to these people themselves about what is going on) is the vilian of a story line of which they are completely unaware.
I am still recovering from emotional and verbally abuse it was from a so called friend however I noticed she was one sided person I was a friend she wasn’t I quit being friends with her because I noticed she was extremely disrespectful toxic gossips about everything and everyone in her life she also left to go see another boyfriend at one time she had 2 boyfriends when she came back she told me I told the first boyfriend I was at your house when she never was she saw the second boyfriend behind the first boyfriend back and lied about it so I told her I wasn’t fine with her lying like that eventually she got mad at me because I knew lying about about her whereabouts wasn’t good with me so sadly the abuse happened because I couldn’t have the strength to leave I thought she would apologize and change sadly never happened and finally I had the strength to kick her out of my life her name is Celina she is one of the most toxic people I ever ever met she can’t be trusted ever I don’t think she will ever change she loves to control and manipulate people anyone that comes into her life sadly people like her exist and cut these people out there is nothing good about these people!❌💔
Maybe I'm just desperately trying to make my self-destructive behavior make sense but I can't help but feel like this cycle to some degree applies to my relationship with myself. Does this make sense? Or is there another model for self-destructive cycles?
I got stuck in a relationship like this got out of it I had too. It's more stigmatized when it's a woman. As a man in a situation like this is very hard to leave i was isolated by a woman in a verbal,manipulating relationship i couldnt tell anyone about this. I was isolated from my friends and family.
My whole life I’ve felted I’ve been abused. However, my parents always denied it and so i thought I was just crazy until recently. As a young child, my parents always neglected me, and forced my sister to get her way. I remember one time, when my sister and I were playing, and my sister said she was done and stormed off, which made me a little sad and confused. Anyway, my sister and mom march back saying “she says when you play you don’t let her chose what happens.” In that moment, I was so confused. Since when we play do I control what happens? We’re playing. Anyway, another time my older sister gave me two dogs and like two years later she screams at me for having them and says I “stole them.” Along with that, there was a time where my sister made me really mad, so I stormed into my room and carefully shut the door, but quickly so I can be alone. My sister runs towards me, and immediately yells, “IM GETTKNG DAD!” So a couple mins later I hear loud pounding at the door, and as a six-ten year old girl this was terryifying. I open it and run off. I think I hid in our backyard till I felt better. Now that I’m older, I try to seek Christian beliefs by myself, and my parents get really mad. I get told what I’m doing is “evil” or sometimes that I’m even “evil,” for talking back, or listening to my airpofs. They get mad at me for listening to non Christian music, when I lit say it helps me cope and find god cause of the vibes, say that everyone in the world is evil, etc. Sometimes I wish I lived with secular parents, but if I told my parents that they’d call me “evil.” I just want to live a normal lifestyle, but if I say that they’d say something snide. My cousin and I play fight, and I know almost everyone gets into physical fights as kids, and even something as me pushing my sister gets me in troible, my whole life even if just as playful. My parents also have constantly abused me, physically, and especially verbally and mentally. I don’t feel comfortable near them any more at all. They try to control my money access, they stall everything I want to do or get a shot at before it’s too late (such as hockey I’ve wanted to play since I was 10 and my parents always said I’d never make it, trumpet (my parents wanted me in band so they let me take lessons for 1 year, until I made the band, and said the chair doesn’t matter like lessons wouldn’t help me anyway, and if I told them that they’d say smth snide about it),), and they even try to control who I’m friends with. I don’t like to stay around them, and they say “you don’t care about us! We did nothing. It’s all you.” And when I ask what their problem is they say me. They say they love me too, and I genuinely believe they THINK they do and maybe love is just a thing and not a feeling to them. I don’t know what to do because my grandma is dying rn, and I didn’t want to go see her because she doesn’t even remember me and can’t talk, and I feel like that would just scar me, seeing her die. And I just got on my period. Also, my parents always blame me for something that hasn’t happen yet, mostly with spills. I like to drink in my room, and obviously, once or twice something has spilled, and they still allow it, but one time my mom came in my room asked for my drink and I politely said no I’m still drinking it ( and I don’t have a door), and she lunged for me, and I freaked, so I kicked her, and she blames me. I don’t want to call the police because my parents will get their way. What do I do If I told my parents they’d say it’s me if I defend myself mentally I’m evil and physically abusibe
My bio Mom had such bad drug and mental health issues. My step dad was physically abusive to me and her, and that made my Mom worse. Long story short, my Mom tried to leave one day when I was 14 (4 years ago) and beat her to death and put me in a coma. The worst part is is that he only got 7 years in jail. 4 years later and I still have sleepless nights because of PTSD and freak out with the smallest movement.
What is it when someone is emotionally abusive and mentally abusive but there is no love bombing or hardly any love at all from them? What does it mean when they withhold affection or refused to tell you they love or care for you? They intentionally say things to hurt you by demeaning you as a person? Always passing blame and never having any accountability. They know that you need love and they still withhold it and flat out tell you they don’t care how you feel about anything? Is this narcissism or just emotional abuse?
My boyfriend has been physically abusive for the past 6 years but he tells me I have a victim mentality. I am not sure what to think. I don't want to be a victim at all. I don't really understand what he means because when he hits me, it does hurt and I don't know how to get around that
You don't get around something like that, you get away from that. Its easier said then done. Arm yourself with knowledge about you, who you are and how to get around that.
Is a psychological effect of this, guilt to let ourselves feel, be, express that we are happy. Like something in our minds isn't letting us smile about ourselves (activate the vegus nerve). However, other people are worthy, so it's allowed out when others do something good
i think i'm still really confused about what actually constitutes abuse. where is the line between a husband (or wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever) who is just a jerk and one who is abusive? there was *never* any physical abuse in my relationship. after my now-ex left, my therapist told me that he was emotionally abusive and that i'd been living in a domestic violence situation. where's the line? he didn't try to isolate me, he didn't constantly trash me, didn't make me dress a certain way, or any of the typical manipulative/controlling things that so commonly define abuse. but I was always afraid of making him angry. all that would happen when he got angry is that he'd be short with me until his anger peaked, give me the silent treatment, then verbally explode, telling me over and over and over again why i was wrong/that i sucked as a wife. he'd usually end with "i don't know what else to say," which was my cue that I could walk away. then i got the silent treatment more until he decided he was done being angry. then he'd act like nothing happened. wash, rinse, repeat. big deal. lots of people deal with far worse than that. was it really enough to be considered "abuse"? that's such a loaded word....
That is what I lived with for 30 years, I didn’t know that was abuse. He controlled me with his anger. I did or did not say or do things to avoid the pain of the silent treatment and explanations how defective I was. It gets harder to leave the longer you stay. I’m glad you are calling him “ex” now. 🤗
There's a difference between being grumpy and snapping at someone, everyone does that, no human is perfect or perfectly balanced. Humans are emotional creatures and we aren't always in perfect control. But directing that at you and making it about you is abuse
Hi, I’m glad I came across your comment on this post because I have been married for 3 years now and these are the exact experience that I am going through at the moment. Though my partner does not isolate me from friends nor family, he does not “control” what I’m wearing, he does not physically hurt me, he does not call me names but…. His anger would get so explosive that there were episodes of constant blaming, tension building, criticising over small matters, repeatedly condemning how I handle or care for my son, condemning with extremely harsh words about my family… To the point I get extremely exhausted after each HUGE fight because I’d always stand firm and fight for myself. To the point I get anxious whenever I sense there’s a slight tension from him… and now I am beginning to see my situation in a much clearer sense - I have developed sense of resentment towards him. I’ve tried thousands approaches and ways to communicate, to share how hurtful those times can be.. unfortunately he does not see it and he still thinks I am the incompetent one. Would you mind to share more about your experience as I am currently seeking support from my family and validation because I AM planning my own path
I know this doesn't really have much to do with this specific video, but I have a question that I can't seem to find a good answer for no matter how much research I do. How can I reach out with self harm struggles, and what do I say?
This how my very first relationship was. Which is sad bc how could you ruin my first impression to a relationship w this type of behavior? Ever since I been trying to break this target on my back I have . Seems like ever since I been attracting the same person but with a different style of abuse. I've learned my lesson but it's something within me that all abusive people seem to see. I'm taking a big break from dating .
I left for the third time and o feel so so guilty. I hurt him. He admitted that he physically verbally and mentally abused me. I feel like it’s my fault. Like I got him mad for mentioning things and pushed him to it. I had so many bruises and marks on Me. Things you couldn’t even see. I’m begging for him back. I feel like I messed up so bad. Like he said he needs time to focus on his health because his anxiety from not being able to accept himself for treating me the way he did is getting to him, he said his heart is having problems now because of our fights. How is this my fault. He ripped my shirt and bra up while it was on me, and tried replacing it when he got paid. Also my purse.
SPOT ON!! I related to ALL of this!! THANK YOU! Especially the part when you said that they use your past hurts from family members against you to isolate you. That happened to me for years
Literally this whole video was me
Me too. We're healing now
Sorry to hear that this happened to you , but I believe that the person who’s using your past hurt as a form of manipulation to get you to stay in the relationship /friendship and to have power over you so it’s makes it difficult to leave.
@@cody3504 happy to hear that you’re healing from the abuse and trauma just take it one day at a time wishing you a happy 2023 .
I think Financial Audits toxic and abusive. Caleb just posts thumbnails to mock and degrade his guests. He screams and yells at them like a manchild, knows he has vulernable mentally ill guests, and continues to abuse them and make them worse, as well as fostering a community to come attack them and crap all over them. It has RL consequences. Its harmful, he needs to stop. Please talk to him before someone snaps on him im afraid lives are gonna be ruined
Yep
People also need to realize not every victim is the crying woman curled up in a ball we see portrayed in movies. Alot of women will fight back and stand up for themselves until they have no fight left in them. You start acting like the abuser in many ways. It changes who you are. It becomes normal to be called names everyday and fight and argue everyday. That is your life. You slowly lose yourself and become a person you don’t recognize anymore.
Reactive abuse 😢😢😢
This i very very common i have become cold and very insensitive toward others from my family abuse especially from sick brother i have thought about horrible things what to do to him because im fed up really i have seen his trying to kill me and father pshysical abuse and emotional i feel wortless and mad and of course cyber bylling from my own city latvians and french hate them
I have started noticing myself wanting to be fight back and be aggressive, as though the only way to communicate with them is to shout like crazy and be aggressive like them.
But I have been catching myself when I had those thoughts... And remember that's not who I am and I don't want to become like them.
I don't know how long more I can keep sane and not turn into them though...
@@abby4027 never heard of that but it makes sense!
Ive been out of my abusive relationship 6 years. And i have stayed single. Im kind of afraid to let anyone In because it always starts good then the flip switches. But mentally i am in the best space i have ever been. Nobody talks to me or treats me like crap and i am me again. We have a son together tho so he will go off and it brings me right back to that dark place and i in return will act out of character to defend myself. You realy cant be reasonable with someone like that. Its gonna be a lifelong battle of healing but we got this! Get away from your abuser even if u have to go to a domestic violence shelter. I had to go and they helped me get a place. Its a free place to stay for awhile. The one i was at was pretty nice we had our own private rooms with locks . You cant even begin to heal until you get away 💖 i am here if anyone needs to talk. I was only there for one month and had my own place again
Its very empowering to leave for good took a few tries and 5 years but i did it
My ex was so abusive that I wound up hospitalized and almost died bc of him. Then after I left, my mental health was so bad that I ended up hospitalized two more times. I'm fully recovered now after two years of consistent therapy. There is hope.
So sorry that happened to you i experienced very similar things I was hospitalized with panic attacks and anxiety And I started to have chronic anxiety depression narcissist will make you physically and mentally sick and crazy so glad you got away and you healed God-bless
I am so sorry that happened to you :( And glad that you were able to heal and move on. xoxo
Thank you for sharing this - it does sometimes get worse before it gets better! And while platitudes aren’t super helpful, hearing from folks who actually made it through certainly is ❤ Keep on healing 🤗✨
I’m sorry for what happened to you, and I’m so glad you’re still here.
You really went through a lot that’s so sad am glad your out of that abusing relationship glad your still alive to tell it what strength to you.❤️❤️❤️
Some times the abused ends up isolating themselves, because they are so ashamed that they ended up in this kind of relationship. They become so depleted of energy from trying to emotional regulate themselves and the abuser, that they have nothing left for most others. The abused might be severely ashamed of themselves because they can't believe they allowed them selves to become victim. By the time one realizes they have been emotionally abused, they might have no where to go.
You left out the financial independence. It's hard to pay rent in a lot of cities these days if you're not educated or have a low-skill job. If your abuser can keep a roof over your head it makes it harder to pull away.
This is definitely a big one for me and it’s not talked about nearly enough. “Just leave”
Isn’t an option in this economy. Why don’t people get that?
One of the hardest things about getting support as a man is that everyone assumes you're the abuser. This assumption isn't just hurtful and insulting, it's terrifying. You're terrified that you'll lose your family, your friends, your job, maybe even your freedom
Men have to document 50 x more than women to be believed, but don’t give up. My now husband went through this and the situation is much better. He even got full custody of his kids.
Leave. Go to court and file for parental rights and responsibilities. Keep a record of everything your partner does. Take pictures of any bruises or marks or things they break. Record . Write down every incident with dates and times. If you think she is a danger to the kids file emergency custody. Domestic violence shelters will take men as well they cannot discrimination. You will not lose your kids for leaving her. A judge will see through her crap and if she keeps playing those games you will end up with full custody. Dont give up. But get out asap u are not betraying your kids by leaving her. You are leaving her not your kids. And if the relationship is unhealthy then it is honestly best for your kids for you to leave. Dont model an unhealthy or abusive relationship to them because that is how the cycle repeats in generations. Sadly i saw my mom get abused and found myself in the same situation at 20 years old to 25. When u see it growing up its normal to u.
@@JenessaAndKingston Shelters may say they don't discriminate but they do. And as a guy, I have to agree with that to a point simply because women are more vulnerable and feel less safe with a strange guy around. I can understand that and I can sleep in my truck under a bridge about as easily as I can in a shelter. And if it makes the women more at ease, so be it.
Well good sound advice you’re giving to this man the more he stays with her the more likely the kids would be in harms way even if she doesn’t abuse the children themselves no child should see their parents getting abused father or mother . The more proof he has the better most likely the mom in this situation may have some issues herself she hasn’t worked out so it’s possible she’s taking it on him .As a child you may think it’s normal because you it’s possible you don’t any better unless someone tells you otherwise .
The thing is society tends support women than do men because it may be more common & some people may not be aware that men do get abused by women . Saying that as a guy myself we’re human beings too and no one deserves to be treated this way man woman or child .
Emotional Abuse was so much harder to accept. My mom was in denial with how bad she was being treated and it was our normal.
Just because there were no physical scars it made us feel like we’re the problem and we just needed to do better.
It sucks that emotional abuse isn’t taken as seriously because the implications can be just as damaging. Wishing you so much healing ❤️🩹
@@daygomermaid this is true because emotional abuse isn’t visibility seen like physical abuse so your love ones or anyone who cares for you may not notice right away but you’re right it can be just as damaging even more than the physical .
A vicious cycle, I've been there 😢 then you slowly realize that it was never about doing better, because all they wanted was to have power over you.
the worst part is when i finally stand up to myself and physically defend myself i am potrayed as the bad person to his family
I went to jail ❤ Nothing on him
Only went to my bail cause he got run over by tractor
I’m in group❤
This is literally happening to me right now I just snapped after months and now all of a sudden I’m the delusional abusive one because I couldn’t control myself but where is the accountability on his part it’s not fair. I didn’t mean it but now I’m the bad person and he’s the victim.😢
I will never forget the day I went as a Man to the YWCA and talked to a counselor and she handed me a page with the 4 types of abuse on it and pointed out to me I was experiencing 2 of them. I learned that day that men too can be abused. That was the day I decided I was done and would find a way to exit.
Discussing reactive abuse may be a very informative addition. Another idea is how we can carry abusive patterns into otherwise healthy relationships after experiencing abuse.
Abuse isn't just between romantic partners. I recently had to cut a close friend out of my life because she was becoming very emotionally abusive.
Oh I feel your pain on this yes my now x friend did verbally and emotional abusing me at that time back then she never apologized for her behavior towards me she is a coward very disrespectful and toxic manipulative to people like that and what you went through they need a taste of there own medicine eventually it will come back to strike them to it’s called karma they will be dealt with!🙏🏻
This is probably one of the best explanations of an abusive relationship. It really shows the lack of empathy most people have when you try to speak up about this. And it really takes a lot to be able to leave money being a huge factor. Once I make enough money I feel like I am out even though he doesn't do the abusive stuff anymore.
I was used to this cycle from my childhood with my family. So of course it never occurred to me that my fiancé emotionally abused me. My therapist has to literally draw it out for me and it took me a long time to fully understand and not blame myself.
Thank you for making this video.
Wow I’m going through this myself now
I’m going through a rough time in my marriage pushing me towards divorce. This video is really helping. Thank you ❤
I am so sorry you're going through that. And I am glad I could help a bit!! xoxo
Thanks, Kati. It’s extremely confusing for people! Especially if it’s very covert and the person starts the abuse later in life because they are free to do so! Family members are subtly mentioned in a derogatory way and this puts thoughts in the victims mind to not bother with them and so people become isolated, especially if the abuser is close them, in any type of relationship. Who wants to believe someone they love and trust is capable of doing such a horrible thing to them? People end up stuck because maybe they are already vulnerable or a caring, kind, and somewhat naive person who loves to make people happy and the abuser knows this. They fake anxiety around the victim to put them on edge so they’ll do their best to please them or they visit their home, act like they’re not bothered, fall asleep in front of them, act disinterested, and end up arguing and going round in circles, bringing up the past when talking about present problems, to avoid accountability! Then they’ll say the victim started an argument and storm off! Then when they leave, the victim feels more unloved, unappreciated, invisible and upset. Then the abuser disappears for days, weeks, or even months, maybe turns off their phone on purpose, so that the victim feels lonely, unsupported, and wondering what they did wrong! Then the abuser will come back and apologise and maybe do some jobs for them or take them on a day trip somewhere nice. The victim then feels relieved and happy that things are going to change for the better! Maybe they spoil the abuser and buy them something - It’s great until it’s not! It happens again and again, until the victim eventually catches on, despite, the cognitive dissonance. They may think they’re right about the abuse and then take it back, thinking they made a mistake, but eventually, it all becomes too clear, especially the longer the victim stays away from the abuser! When a person finds themselves looking up information about an abuser’s behaviour and analysing what they say, their body language, hot and cold behaviours, gaslighting etc - that’s the BIGGEST red flag ever and the victim should majorly reduce contact or cut the relationship off completely!! They should also seek help from people outside of their circle because family members and friends may not understand or believe the victim. And if the victim has anxiety about other things it’s even harder to be believed. Thing is, it’s uncomfortable to believe someone you knew could do such a thing, but they can and they do, but it’s easier and more comfortable not to believe the victim. This makes them feel more lonely, unsupported, and wondering if people think they’re a bad person because the abuser could just say it’s them, it’s the victim that’s the problem. The victim cannot win! The only way to win is to walk away and work on themselves! The worst part to come out of it is it’s harder to trust people and the best is that speaking up for themselves is no longer a problem, they’ll stand up for what’s right and speak their truth from then on, and so they should! Knowledge is power and this is why channels like these are the best! Thanks for sharing your knowledge and awareness, Kati! 🤓 ps, I know this comment is wayyy too long! 😆 Just couldn’t help but share!
This was actually really helpful. Thank you.
Loved your comment I read
It twice thank you
That was essentially my entire family dynamic. Every single person in my family had this sort of cycle with me.
I hope you found a better way to move without them
I am so sorry :( I hope you have been able to heal and move into a healthier way of living. xoxo
Yes, this cycle unfortunately occurs a lot with parents and kids.
@American Book Dragon Everyone does this to me too. I can't stand up for myself.
I don’t even know anymore if it is me or her (my Mother)
This was my relationship with my father. 10 years ago he crossed a line and threatened my husband and that was the last straw. I put up with his emotional abuse for YEARS but seeing him threatening someone I cared about was like breaking the chain on his control over me. I gave him an ultimatum that he had a problem and he needed to get professional help for me to have a relationship with him. I stuck to that and and have cut him out of my life because he has refused to address his issues. I mourn the father/daughter relationship I had because the 'calm' phases with him gave me some of my best childhood memories, but the abuse isn't worth it. It's hard...very hard, but I am so much happier now. Sometimes it just takes someone getting to a breaking point before they are able to do something about it.
I left my abusive husband 14 years ago. I still feel like I have not recovered from it, or fully dealt with it so I can have a happy relationship with another man. I am seeing someone now for the first time in 14 years!! I keep waiting for the shoe to drop! I hate feeling like this! It’s not fair to my new “friend “
In my experience with an emotianly abusive father, friends would say to me sonething betwweb the lines of "But come on, is your dad, you have to forgive him him" and I know this wasnt with ill intention, but this kind of just confused me more through the path of accepting that the person that used to be my dad is a toxic person that is better out of my life
It annoys me to hear this and that I should call Dad on Father's day, I did twice this; I was ignored. These people(not all) expect me to forgive, forget. What they don't know is that Dad expects when I would forgive and forget, that it let him off the hook of responsibility. Dad would pull the same nonsense on me.
This is very helpful. I admire the clarity.
@ 8:30. "spend time with friends and family". Please consider editing that. Family history is often the reason people are are drawn to abusive relationships. Suggesting they go from a current abusive situation to return to a to a past abusive situation is problematic.
It's a good video, and I understand that it's hard to get honest, informed feedback.
Excellent and powerful Katie! I am a surviver having left behind that which no longer served me. My story is long, but I was fortunate to have support from a domestic violence hotline and my older brother.
I spent two years in preparation to become self-sufficient with two pre-teens. For years, I was too afraid and felt guilty about taking the kids away from their father.My brother provided me with a car and driving lessons. I started working part-time to save money. My ex knew he was no longer in control and became much more abusive.
I am fortunate; it's much more difficult if you have been isolated and have no money, phone, or resources.
I am a success story. I went back to school and eventually had my own business. It was important to me to provide a good example for my children even though I was so scared. They were shown that it was not how a marriage should be.
I pay it forward now with offering my support and paying it forward.
You put in capital letters emotional abuse but jump to physical violence into the video. There's so many types of abuse and I was really looking forward to hearing about emotional abuse and how to get away from that. I'm not in danger of getting my ass kicked but I'm constantly manipulated and blamed for everything. Nobody ever backs me up because I don't have a bunch of bruises on me. No one even believes me so I always end up blaming myself. I would rather have a physical abuse than this bullshit because I could get help then.
Have you seen Dr. Ramani’s RUclips channel? I definitely understand how frustrating it is that it’s not physical because people don’t take it seriously. Nobody wants to help because you’re not in “immediate” danger 🙄
THIS so true!
It sounds like Borderline personality disorder with Narcissistic tendencies. Not physical violence but definitely emotional abuse and gaslighting. Dr. Ramani does have some great videos too.
@@laneyb8017 I'm pretty sure I'm dealing with a covert narcissist but I learned to avoid diagnosing, which I am not qualified to do and ultimately is irrelevant anyway. I have never hit anybody in my entire life, not even spanked my children, but I'm a man, a veteran and twice her size. Hitting and using physical pain as a form of communication are about as asinine as it gets in my opinion. But because I am a man and twice her size I am unable to get any help or support. The most supportive response from somebody I have tried to talk to was that it was far more likely it was me doing the narcissistic and abusive things to her than her doing them to me. But strangely it was not because of my physical size but because it's believed I am smarter than her. Like this is a game of wits somehow. I can beat her in chess and know calculus far better than she does but she always wins her never ending warS of attrition. My mother has passed away and my dad is just as narcissistic as she is. I have no family help. And of course after 15 years of being with her I don't have any friends anymore so I am isolated. I am also now disabled, and do not have direct control of any money and cannot survive on my own. After a few reaches for help that were dismissed or not believed or victim blamed, I probably wouldn't have believed me either but resulted in suicide attempts, it will take a miracle for me to ever just ask for help again let alone receive it. I am stuck. I have heard Dr Ramani say radical acceptance is likely my only option. I still feel that I have some value and that my feelings matter and I just can't make myself roll over, shut-up and try not to take the abuse personally. Hence why I'm looking for methods to stay above the intentional baiting into fights and emotional abuse/affection starvation. The best help I have received so far is from the book Psychopath Free. The validation I received from that book especially the 30 red flags section saved my life. I am currently surviving but I want to live. Kati, I do not mean to solely complain and I GREATLY appreciate your time and effort to create such a valuable resource for people like me. Thank you very very much. Keep up the outstanding work.
If I may, I'd like to make a request for some straight married male-centered content. I do not mean to dismiss or invalidate anybody else's experience but I am certain that for typical middle aged WASP-ish straight men like myself, the experience of living with and surviving non-physical narcissistic abuse inflicted by a woman is different than basically ALL of the related content I've seen on RUclips. There is tons of general advice and there's plenty of women's centered advice but I have never seen anything remotely addressing my experience as a man having to wrestle with societal norms stereotypes and the subsequent difficulty of getting help especially just being brave enough to ask for it. Or even just realizing I'm being abused and somehow coming to terms with that without feeling my "manhood" is gone.
Emotional abuse can escalate into physical abuse, it never starts with physical abuse, punches, kicks. It always starts with "you shouldn't do that." "You'd look/feel/be better if you do X/Y/Z." Then they get a little more aggressive with the control and distortion of your experience. "That isn't what happened, because I remember it this other way, so you must too." "You have no reason to be upset at me, I'm the one who is hurt by YOU, your emotions/thoughts/concerns are not valid." Then the hitting starts when you start to push back and fight for equal respect. To let you know they will do anything to maintain control over a situation. But they'll excuse it, justify it, it isn't abuse when they do it. Only when anyone else does. If you feel emotionally abused, don't believe physical abuse isn't possible in the future, just get away from the abuser before it could even happen. Please.
I grew up with an abusive mother who herself grew up with abusive parents in a poor country recovering from civil war. I need to get around to watching more of your videos, and will after I graduate this spring!
I’ve had only two non-abusive partners in my past - they liked me but couldn’t understand that I didn’t want children because it would break me psychologically. Getting out is so hard, and the huge demands put on someone being asked to leave an abusive relationship is unappreciated. Domestic abuse survival should be celebrated unabashedly, I think.
Finally answers and understanding… I’ve been put down as a mom and human being for years for going back to someone who’s slowly killing me. Thank you for showing true love love through teaching. I appreciate this video so much. I just left right now with a swollen eye and other injuries hoping I don’t go back…
I'm 48, just got out of a relationship. For the past 4 years and 5 months, I realized that BF (57 years old) had narcissistic behavior, constantly getting emotionally abused through his harsh verbal abuse and actions that he will constantly snap at me. Didn't know what it was, I was stuck, but once I'm out, the emotional pain of all sorts of mixture is so bitter inside of me. This whole video was me as well. Thank God I wasn't married to him nor been shacking up.
I was a bit surprised that you didn't include or discuss financial or elder abuse.
It's so easy to analyse a relationship from the outside, were we are not emotionally involved. I feel that's why ppl stay, more than logic or practical thinking.
I just got out of this and this is eerily true. Thank you so much Kati
With my father it was not so much a cycle. I always felt that he could be angry in a second, or say something hurtful or damage something that belongs to me, whether it is something I own or a job or relationships with friends. My father could be very active in making the home cozy and baking cakes or pies. He was cheerful, but I did not feel it that way. I was always alert for something not so nice to happen. This was just me. My siblings did not feel that way. I was the scapegoat. When I left home and visited my parents, it always turned out to be a sad experience. Everybody tried to convince me, that this was because of me. When I stayed away for my own mental health, people told me to do something to improve the relationship with my parents. Nobody believed me if I said that did would never work and that even if it is all my fault, I do not want the bad experiences. In my marriage, I was so happy because my husband was not so bad as my father was, that I forgot that he was abusive too. He demanded too much of me and did not always respect my boundaries. After 28 years, I divorced him, and I am so happy to be alone. We are still friends, but I never want to be in a relationship or marriage again. I need my freedom and my happiness to be alone,
Love this video, Katie! Having compassion is so important. To be a victim of narcissistic abuse means this must have been modelled in childhood by either narcissistic parents/family/teachers or at the very least learned codependency. At 44 years, I have repeated this dysfunctional dynamic for most of my life. But with hard work and healing it's definitely possible to engage in healthy relationships.
hi Katie, I thought this was a great presentation, to the point and supportive
Thank you God for healing us all and breaking abusive cycles, chains, and patterns that are unhealthy in Jesus name amen 🙏
Just popping in to say I just recently stumbled across your channel and just listening to you speak about these things is really comforting ❤
HI Kati. First, I want to say that I think you were the very first mental health specialist I followed on YT. Thank you, thank you.
I would like to speak a little bit about abuse that does not happen in the typical gender norms roles of male aggressors and female victims. After finally leaving my marriage of 25 years, I can look back and see the signs of an abusive relationship. Feigning curiosity and taking it back, gaslighting, social isolation, constantly moving goal posts of acceptance, framing autonomy as selfishness.
As a women, these things are really hard to describe (esp in the moment), and hard to admit to a listener we hope is a safe listener. It's REALLY hard a man. Even people in my life that I would guess to be very emotionally aware and connective are *really* uncomfortable with male vulnerability on a regular day, but when that vulnerability is about another person in their life they love, respect and admire, it's that much harder. All the tropes of "marriage is just hard sometimes" or "you need to go work on those things on your own time" are easy deflections from that discomfort the listener is feeling.
It's not physical violence. It's not "abuse" in the daily parlance, but it's real. And it's really challenging to find a listener who can sit with it.
Been there done that too many times with him. Tried over a dozen times to throw him out. We were never married. Thank goodness. But he was so terrifyingly oppressive. And unbelievably judgmental
It was extreme verbal and emotional abuse. Terrifying. Scared to
Sleep. He made up so much stuff and onetime threatened to have arrested for something that I never ever did. Unbelievably jealous and lacking in his own self esteem and self worth. He was as right to be self conscious of these things. He was a worthless bum and totally useless. He was law enforcement so this made things so much worse. I finally was able to throw him out of my house ( yes MY HOUSE not his). He was gone for 4 years and I lived in abject terror of him returning. Then after the four years he died. Sad to say but i finally felt completely safe again. But the damage was done.
I felt like he tried to amputate my soul. These people are almost DEMONS.
Thank you, Kati.
Of course. So happy to help. xoxo
Also, if you're struggling with relationships, I'm doing a workshop on boundaries. Find out more information here: katimorton.com/boundaries
Question1: for people who deal with narcissistic/manipulative parents, how can we distinguish “psychological abuse love bombing” and genuine care from another person? In other words, what is a defining characteristic or line that can be drawn between the two?
Question 2: does the narcissistic individual knowingly love bomb, or is it possible they may be unaware they are doing this?
Thank you! I love your videos. They have been so helpful for reinforcing my strategies from therapy. 😊
I don't know where to put this where you'll find it. There was a response to a comment I made on your channel that read "OK Text me" it had your photo and a phone number but I'm not so sure it was from you #kati Morton and not someone possibly pretending to be you. Los Angeles area code. Please let me know if this is something you would or would not do. Thanks.
Yes, the victim shaming is the worst! If we knew we were being abused, we wouldn’t allow it. Why do people assume we know??
That being said, it is possible for us to perpetuate it. My husband and I were both emotionally abused by our parents, so sometimes we both will emotionally abuse each other because we are still under stress. I wonder if there is a solution for that. We both don’t want to get divorced, but we can’t keep hurting each other either. 😞
Edit: Also, while reaching out to friends and family might work for some people, for most of us, we ended up in the abusive relationship for a reason. When I started reaching out to my family, I realized exactly where the most abuse was coming from. And I didn’t have many friends because my family wouldn’t allow it. I would rather be with my husband than spend another minute with such an abusive family of origin.
It's really helpful, thank you very much Kati 🙏
Is it wrong I'm ghosting someone who was emotionally abusive towards me? Like... A lot, this video made me realize it even more...
I don’t think it’s wrong. If you can get them out of your life do it!!
@@SuperSmith1995 Okay, thank you. I just feel bad...
I am so glad I found your channel!!
Yay!!! Me too!! xoxo
When you are IN LOVE that’s how this happens
Having ADHD and having been sexually abused as a child makes the narcissistic abuse that much worse..my ex wife couldn't accept my disorders and I ended up doing something that caused her to divorce me.. she ended up having to pay me so she could keep her house. I am now in a good place with good, loyal friends, even my new dog (corgi) is more loyal than she was.
I enjoyed this video. I have had a fear of being alone. I have “people-pleased” to be helped and not abandoned as I have been in abusive situations where I have begun to be stuck in. I was naive and didn’t understand that when someone is so nice in the beginning, then, yes, “tension building” had begun to occur and tried to get out whenever I was being hurt both emotionally and physically. It’s scary and easier to stay because there are many things I have needed help for like my “basic needs” being met. For example, my ex-partner was nice then began destroying my stuff…I was scared in the relationship, but I felt I was not able to leave because I put my life in his hands. I have been abused by others as well; people have criticized the fact I leave and tired of my drinking and posting. I have felt misunderstood and more alone as whenever I “escape”, I get into another toxic situation. I really have felt lost and confused, especially with low self-esteem. Anyway, now, after my whole life being controlled, I now spend time with someone long enough to get to know them so I don’t get hurt again…*Also…I have left relationships before they do something to abandon me. So, I’m striving for a healthy relationship that I’ve not ever had…struggles all around with no escape. At times I want to leave this world because (unconditional) love is very difficult to find. I’m working on moving forward and focusing on myself more to become my own best friend as I have had trouble making friends all my life. I’ve been lied to, hurt, and neglected. I even became like my abusers (victim changes, not the perpetrator)…learned the hard way. Today I’m still struggling but not as badly as earlier in my life as I have opened my eyes and now understand I can’t change them (I’ve tried everything to re-invent someone for my well-being, but that back-fired). I’ve come a long way and realize that no matter what I’ve done/said is no excuse to be harmed in any way…*I used to blame myself for causing it due to behaviors, but after learning more about domestic violence, it is not ever okay to go through and be involved with mistreatment.
I couldn't get out of the physical and mental abuse from my mom until she died suddenly at 44. People love to abuse me and make it amusing.
A mother is an important figure in any Childs life and I am trying to imagine how difficult and heart wrenching it must of been for you having a mother as you described. I hope you can find some relief and give yourself unconditional love and know you are worthy of love and respect from others!
Sorry that you were in that situation! I hope you are doing better!
I am so sorry you had to go through that. I hope you are able to heal and cultivate the healthy and loving relationships you deserve. xoxo
It was the gas lighting that hot spdpffocult.I'd approach them a d they continued to lue to me.they held me guiltwjat so ever
@Arthur Penfield People love to abuse me too. I can't stand up for myself.
This video was really necessary thanks for sharing!
Of course!! I hope it's helpful :) xoxo
Thanks for all the information, it really helps me as a psych major :)
Of course!! So happy to help!! xoxo
LET'S GOOO
@@Katimorton I love your content so much, keep going
I thought for a very long time that I was not in a circle of abuse because I had the tension building and the incident and sometimes even the calm phase but there was never any kind of love or affection. Then I realized that you don’t need a love bombing phase when you have “total control”. I decided for myself that what happened between my father and me was a circle of abuse, and I don’t care if it fits the official definition, because it feels right. Also, I don’t have another word to put to this phenomenon… what do you guys think about the word “life theme” for this kind of repeating abusive behaviour? Is it more fitting than circle of abuse or do you have another idea for a word to put to this?^^
My ex skipped the love bombing phase as well. He’d go from the incident to justifying his actions (victim mode) then into the calm I craved so much.
Why were u even attracted in the first place?
The only issue I had with this is picking people who aren't my type. I've dated plenty of those, and it still didn't help.
Yeah - it has nothing to do with personality types.
I also dated wildly different types and still ended up experiencing verbal and emotional abuse.
I hid in a warehouse for years. I come out of hiding then he showed up over and over again. I changed my patterns of what I did. He won’t go away until I’m dead.
Get the cops involved.
Church or crisis centre.
So very true and very true. To the very core of this point of abuse
Hi Kati! I’ve been watching your videos since you first started out - you’re one of my favorites on social media! 😊 I was wondering if you’d be able to talk about abusive friendships? I’ve been through a few mild ones, but the most recent one was the worst BY FAR. I had to cut off someone who I thought was my best friend and that was really hard. I haven’t talked to her since May 2020 and I’m still trying to heal from it. I even had people basically spelling it out for me that she was incredibly abusive & manipulative, but I just couldn’t let myself see it. I always made excuses or said things like “you don’t know all the amazing times we’ve had, these are just bad stories.” I know, I know, SO MANY RED FLAGS. I find myself either wanting to be super close to people or not wanting anything to do with them. If it helps for context, I have BPD, so these feelings have been heightened even more than usual.
We also have to recognize that men are also victins of abuse and it can feel so lonely. Men are typically not seen as victims but we can be.
Abuse can be so mamy things, not just physical abuse.
Totally agree! I will make sure to mention this in any other videos on these topics. xoxo
Exactly!!! Manipulation, lying, black mailing, guilt trips, etc are just as harmful and can threaten your livelihood just as much as physical. Especially if you’re a male when society expects you to base your worth off of providing. All it takes is one lie to mess that up and all the other manipulative things can add a lot of stress to prevent you from it
@@M.j.7 Let's not forget gaslighting by either gender or pronoun.
@@M.j.7 Yes, we have a prime example in the Depp/Heard trial of what it can be like. It is damaging no matter who is getting abused. As a man, we are taught to "take it" and our boundaries are very high because of it. It means very few probably seek help because of shame.
It took me a long time to admit that I had been abused because in that process I had to realize that I have been bad at taking my emotions seriously, at the core, I did not trust my own feelings, until I did and finally broke up with her.
And the thing is, with abusers, the real nightmare oftenly starts after the breakup, that is when it gets scary and that is why so many try deslerately not to reach that point.
I would recommend having plans made before you break up. Plan the breakup date and then see that you have support and protection to immidietly fall back on.
The abusive persons I know simply never admit any wrongdoing. So there is no "believing in them when they say they won't do it again".
I am in abusive relationship for almost 12 years now. I met him when I was 18 and I was so blind for all of that red flags... Now I feel so hopeless. It's not about that I love him, I hate him so much and I know it never will be better but I am too affraid to leave because he threaten me he will kill my mother. I know it's true and he can do it because he is just trully pure evil. My mother live litteraly next house and I don't know how to protect her from him. I am so scared and I don't know how long I can live like this. Nobody knows about it and I am pretending living happy life and hate myself for that
I am so sorry. It is true that the most dangerous time for a victim of abuse is when we try to leave. That is why it may be a good idea to get law enforcement involved. You also need to make a secret plan. Does he ever go away for the weekend fishing or anything? I planned for quite some time. I opened a secret bank account. There wasn't much in it, but it was something. The bank was not supposed to send me anything in the mail. They screwed up and did. I tried to tell him I just wanted my own little account for pocket change and he did not believe me. I packed a backpack with enough clothing and necessities for a couple of days and hid it. When the time was right, (I waited until he went out dirtbike riding) for the day. I packed my vehicle to leave. Prior, I made arrangements to stay with a friend for a couple of weeks. My ex came home as I was just leaving. I just ended up screaming at him, telling him that I was leaving and would never be back. I peeled out in the driveway and got out of there. Also, what about a DV shelter for both you and your mom?
I was in an abusive relationship. I cut the relationship more than 10 times then I come back again because he kept saying I became a better man I'm so sorry I'll be the best man for you and... we went to therapist for more than 10 sessions but it didn't work... he sometimes hit me.. once he slapped me in the face.. he attacked me and pushed me on the ground.. he hurt me physically so many times but after that he was really sorry and wanted to get better... I loved him so much and he loved me too.. but he just was not able to behave himself... He broke up with me for the first time after 2 and a half years last week but again he texts me and put posts on Instagram and I'm sure he'll come back to me again with all I get better and I'm sorry and ... but I don't want to come back again.. although we had so many amazing memories we almost travelled all over the country we were happy when we didn't fight... I hope I and other people like me get better soon :)
I’m a guy and I was love bombed. I think that’s the crux of the issue, where the abusive partner somehow sees you as a likely victim and showers you with validation. It’s a set up, and manipulation tactic, and really unbelievable. How did I feel at that time? I felt like I was in movie! A romantic movie where the waves were washing over me and her and I were rolling on the beach like, "From Here to Eternity.”
When the abusive anger started, I let it go, thinking this was just a fluke temporary thing. Eventually, months later, it became the, “cycle,” of every month or so there would be some insignificant incident that would make her blow up. Often just anger at me for nonsensical reasons, but every once a while it was Mt Vesuvius exploding. Out of control, crying and screaming, in public! I would actually run away, for the very real reason that someone seeing this, might think I was the abusive one and call the police. Where, I might be just standing in park casually talking and she would explode.
Eventually, the great feeling and memory of the love bombing faded, and reality was I had to accept she was personality disordered. Nothing I could do helped, and I tried EVERYTHING. I’m glad I had the experience of the love bombing because it did show how it’s possible to have someone really have your back and validate you. It’s something that is important and I will always value.
I'm glad you were strong enough to get through it and know you are worthy and you are loved and I understand the point where you are like so scared that people would see US the abuse of and stand strong in yourself trust in yourself there is hope
I knew this guy for 10-7 years. And we started dating for 4 years and he made me pay for things, used me for money, degraded me, hit me, etc.
True. In my first serious relationship, I was engaged to a girl I met at school. We were growing closer and we were married. But something happened when I asked my father's approval for marriage. He said out right the only reason why he accepted my fiance into the family was because it was what I wanted. It was the beginning of the end for us. I began to withdraw from her. I buried the rage, frustration, anger, guilt and shame my father stirred up in me. I was trapped in the cycle of abuse. I became overly controlling. I pushed her away. The rift grew wider between us. She left me after two years. For years I was self abusing myself. I was trapped in cycles of depression and guilt. I came close to committing suicide. 😢 If you have similar dangerous feelings, please seek help ASAP before it is too late.
You are amazing. The best thing to do. Is Leave
I wasn’t allowed to speak, leave the house….he got angered when I left for a doctors appointment and would always make me late, angry if I spoke to relatives, physical hurt, physically abused to the point in the hospital many times, threatened to get him off at court, threatened to be killed, what I was allergic to he would put it in his hands and cuff it over my mouth and force me to ingest it, monitoring house cameras on no contact, said he was waiting for an accident to happen to me, when I got hurt he would re injury me, constant making fun of me daily, stalking, changing passcodes on devices….the list goes on.
I was born in a toxic family, I always thought that my mother yelling and punching me for a fucking mug left on the table was normal.
Unfortunately, that's the case for some kids from abusive households.
Same here
I've never been comfortable talking to a therapist because what if I'm being abusive to the therapist and I don't even know? What if I say or do something stupid on an impulse and get involuntarily hospitalized or arrested or something?
Sometimes it starts out slow and subtle. And they spent years manipulating you, so you think it’s your fault and if you could just be better. You start to believe everything. When I first got slapped, I thought I deserved it. I was ashamed to tell anyone for the longest time. Oh but he was sorry and it won’t happen again. (It did, and I got blamed for it.) I have 3 kids, and my sole purpose was to not lose them. As my spouse made threats about taking me to court over them multiple times. Why women don’t just leave? Fear. Trying to protect their kids.you’re gaslit to think it’s you. You’ve been mentally broken down over time.first time my husband had unaliving thoughts he blamed me. Second time he did try to unalive himself, he said I was partially to blame. I’m finally seeing a DV counselor, who opened my eyes. It’s a scary and empowering process.
@sarahgopats4571 I agree with everything you said. For me, the abuse was very gradual and over a very long time. It slowly escalated over the years (29). For me, it was emotional/mental abuse, etc. It began with criticism under the guise of being "helpful" to me. I am embarrassed to admit this, I did not realize that his treatment of me was abuse, until the end. It became so bad that I finally asked him "Is there anything that you DO like about me"? And, "If you feel that I am such a problem, why are you with me"? At first, it was all behind closed doors. Most of our friends thought that he was this great guy that treated me so well. He did buy me expensive gifts but, I do not believe those gifts were about me. They were about making HIM look good. Towards the end, he was abusing me in front of other people, friends, family, and his employees. To complicate things more, over the years my ex became an alcoholic. By the time I got out, he was a late-stage alcoholic that was beginning to drink at 7 am, daily. For the longest time, I stayed because I just wanted him to go back to the man that he was for the first several years that we were together. I was also really scared. I tried to fix him and of course, that was a miserable failure. About 10 years ago, I started to see the way he was treating me for all that it was, and I began to think about leaving. It took two tries. I got the help that I needed and life is good today.
As someone born into a family that’s been emotionally abusive, I find myself doing the same to my spouse. Having been physically abused by an ex before, it’s the last thing I ever wanted to become and here I am questioning if I’ve turned the tables on the best relationship I’ve ever had. Katie, if you see this or if anyone else has any valuable information about finding out you may be the abuser yourself and how to fix it or cope with it, please give me your input. It’s not physically abusive, I’d never lay a hand on my sweet man. I have a temper when it comes to perfectionism around the house or viewpoints that we differ on and I’d really like to not get so heated. I’ve become more reserved with affection as time goes on as well and I’m going back to therapy, but I wonder if anyone who sees this has advice or is maybe finding this out about themselves as well. It’s difficult to admit and deal with, but I want to change and be better for him because I do love him and I don’t understand why I act this way yet. Thanks for any input! I don’t think I should leave him, I truly think he’s the one because I’ve changed for the better in so many ways already. It’s like he’s bringing these things out in me and pushes my buttons (not on purpose) in order to locate that there really is a problem inside me that needs fixed and I find that really lovely and fulfilling. It’s like we push each other to continue being better, I just don’t have the best tact in my communication and can be quite harsh. I can tell he walks on eggshells sometimes and I truly wish I had a rewind button to undo some of the things I’ve said. Thanks again for answering if you can. Please don’t be assuming that we need to break up though, that would break both of our hearts. I want to work towards a solution not a last resort. I’m trying to be better, I do apologize to him and he says he’s seen me make leaps and bounds of progress-I just don’t feel I’ve made enough considering his past abuse with his own father that he still has a tense relationship with yet puts up with. It makes me wonder if he does the same with me.
I just don’t get how they do not see how wrong and cruel they are. Is like you are nothing to them. Like you are not human to them, just a thing without value.
thanks for sharing needed to hear this
My narcissistic mother psychologically and sexually abused me. She's thankfully dead now, but I so wanted her to love me that I remained in contact with her and even bought her things to try and buy her love. Had I known how much I would have liked not having her around, I would have cut her off. It's best to leave because these people are losers and pathetic assholes. The best part of the relationship was when I blocked her number for months on end. I was thrilled when she said she didn't like it. The best thing you can do is leave these relationships as much as you can.
Wish I could have private therapy with you Kati. You're brilliant.
But I'm in UK 🇬🇧
I've been trapped in a cycle since a child.
I am no expert in any stretch of the imagination, but leave no stone unturned to find help. Life can and should be full of joy. Please go find it. You are in charge of your life.
Inaccurate in my opinion….the incident happened every day I was made fun of until I cried, there was no honeymoon phase afterwards, he kept being angry at me and blamed me for him acting out. There were no gifts. It got so bad that he kept stalking, hurting, trying to harm me to the point of no return.
So what is this type of abuse?!
I agree with you to a point. I do believe that some people with abusive partners go through the honeymoon phase. I believe she was speaking in general. I can NEVER remember a time of going through the honeymoon phase. I do remember going through a calmer period, yet, I knew that it was always coming and I still walked on eggshells.
That is plain abuse. She was describing a particular type called "cycle of abuse".
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and expertise!
✌❤🌎
I think calm comes from both sides being exhausted. You have to get away to process, journal, read up, listen to podcasts, maybe therapy to self check! They usually never apologize they give silent treatment, devalue, gaslight etc.. use vulnerabilities against you to use as weapons! Very painful, get out of forest to see what’s happening. We go back to what we endured during childhood traumas it’s so familiar. We don’t want this or like it!
What do you say when he acts like he’s gonna hit you in an argument, but he never actually put the hands on you
.. This actually happened to me.. I was the first victim of the abused cycle savanah she's just idk like when we do something she hate she bullied us and she's popular and I always cry and get her everthing and admire them... And I did the same to other people.....
Thank you Kati
I'm not sure there's even a honeymoon phase it goes calm and then it stops for a while
Two of my abusive relationships had a distinct honeymoon phase where they would buy me gifts and take me out on expensive and enjoyable dates. That is what kept me hooked for a while.
Very helpful, Thank you
Is it possible for the abuser(s) to not even realize what they are doing? I want to live my life. I just want to work and make a little bit of money for my children.
The language and themes of therapy, psychology, feminism, progressivism, compassion, activism, and victimhood, can be used by abusers to either further abuse or to cover up or make excuses for abuse. It's a great tactic for the abuser to head off any criticism of themselves by going around behind your back "confiding" in receptive people in yours and their lives, about your "abuse" (often merely your attempts to stick up for yourself in moments of abuse or completely fabricated incidents or scenarios) either by misrepresenting what happened, only giving an exaggerated version of their side of the story. By doing this the abuser can alienate you from these people, further isolating you. Some abusers go so far as creating a network of friend and family relationships based primarily on gaslighting, even concocting whole narratives where the unaware victim (who is often too busy walking on eggshells and dealing with the abuse to talk to these people themselves about what is going on) is the vilian of a story line of which they are completely unaware.
I am still recovering from emotional and verbally abuse it was from a so called friend however I noticed she was one sided person I was a friend she wasn’t I quit being friends with her because I noticed she was extremely disrespectful toxic gossips about everything and everyone in her life she also left to go see another boyfriend at one time she had 2 boyfriends when she came back she told me I told the first boyfriend I was at your house when she never was she saw the second boyfriend behind the first boyfriend back and lied about it so I told her I wasn’t fine with her lying like that eventually she got mad at me because I knew lying about about her whereabouts wasn’t good with me so sadly the abuse happened because I couldn’t have the strength to leave I thought she would apologize and change sadly never happened and finally I had the strength to kick her out of my life her name is Celina she is one of the most toxic people I ever ever met she can’t be trusted ever I don’t think she will ever change she loves to control and manipulate people anyone that comes into her life sadly people like her exist and cut these people out there is nothing good about these people!❌💔
1st to view and comment. I missed watching your program. It’s been a long time.
Glad you're back!!! xoxo
Thank you
Maybe I'm just desperately trying to make my self-destructive behavior make sense but I can't help but feel like this cycle to some degree applies to my relationship with myself. Does this make sense? Or is there another model for self-destructive cycles?
I got stuck in a relationship like this got out of it I had too. It's more stigmatized when it's a woman. As a man in a situation like this is very hard to leave i was isolated by a woman in a verbal,manipulating relationship i couldnt tell anyone about this. I was isolated from my friends and family.
Yes Ofcourse this is what I wish to talk about
My whole life I’ve felted I’ve been abused. However, my parents always denied it and so i thought I was just crazy until recently. As a young child, my parents always neglected me, and forced my sister to get her way. I remember one time, when my sister and I were playing, and my sister said she was done and stormed off, which made me a little sad and confused. Anyway, my sister and mom march back saying “she says when you play you don’t let her chose what happens.” In that moment, I was so confused. Since when we play do I control what happens? We’re playing. Anyway, another time my older sister gave me two dogs and like two years later she screams at me for having them and says I “stole them.” Along with that, there was a time where my sister made me really mad, so I stormed into my room and carefully shut the door, but quickly so I can be alone. My sister runs towards me, and immediately yells, “IM GETTKNG DAD!” So a couple mins later I hear loud pounding at the door, and as a six-ten year old girl this was terryifying. I open it and run off. I think I hid in our backyard till I felt better.
Now that I’m older, I try to seek Christian beliefs by myself, and my parents get really mad. I get told what I’m doing is “evil” or sometimes that I’m even “evil,” for talking back, or listening to my airpofs. They get mad at me for listening to non Christian music, when I lit say it helps me cope and find god cause of the vibes, say that everyone in the world is evil, etc. Sometimes I wish I lived with secular parents, but if I told my parents that they’d call me “evil.” I just want to live a normal lifestyle, but if I say that they’d say something snide. My cousin and I play fight, and I know almost everyone gets into physical fights as kids, and even something as me pushing my sister gets me in troible, my whole life even if just as playful. My parents also have constantly abused me, physically, and especially verbally and mentally. I don’t feel comfortable near them any more at all. They try to control my money access, they stall everything I want to do or get a shot at before it’s too late (such as hockey I’ve wanted to play since I was 10 and my parents always said I’d never make it, trumpet (my parents wanted me in band so they let me take lessons for 1 year, until I made the band, and said the chair doesn’t matter like lessons wouldn’t help me anyway, and if I told them that they’d say smth snide about it),), and they even try to control who I’m friends with. I don’t like to stay around them, and they say “you don’t care about us! We did nothing. It’s all you.” And when I ask what their problem is they say me. They say they love me too, and I genuinely believe they THINK they do and maybe love is just a thing and not a feeling to them. I don’t know what to do because my grandma is dying rn, and I didn’t want to go see her because she doesn’t even remember me and can’t talk, and I feel like that would just scar me, seeing her die. And I just got on my period. Also, my parents always blame me for something that hasn’t happen yet, mostly with spills. I like to drink in my room, and obviously, once or twice something has spilled, and they still allow it, but one time my mom came in my room asked for my drink and I politely said no I’m still drinking it ( and I don’t have a door), and she lunged for me, and I freaked, so I kicked her, and she blames me.
I don’t want to call the police because my parents will get their way. What do I do
If I told my parents they’d say it’s me if I defend myself mentally I’m evil and physically abusibe
Am I the abusive one or is it a myth
Also I had an asthma attack and my parents don’t even have an inhaler for me and they yelled
Ah, yes, this is exactly how my mother has treated me my whole life. What the Hell.
As someone with an abusive family, this is really helpful.
My bio Mom had such bad drug and mental health issues. My step dad was physically abusive to me and her, and that made my Mom worse. Long story short, my Mom tried to leave one day when I was 14 (4 years ago) and beat her to death and put me in a coma. The worst part is is that he only got 7 years in jail. 4 years later and I still have sleepless nights because of PTSD and freak out with the smallest movement.
What is it when someone is emotionally abusive and mentally abusive but there is no love bombing or hardly any love at all from them? What does it mean when they withhold affection or refused to tell you they love or care for you? They intentionally say things to hurt you by demeaning you as a person? Always passing blame and never having any accountability. They know that you need love and they still withhold it and flat out tell you they don’t care how you feel about anything? Is this narcissism or just emotional abuse?
My boyfriend has been physically abusive for the past 6 years but he tells me I have a victim mentality. I am not sure what to think. I don't want to be a victim at all. I don't really understand what he means because when he hits me, it does hurt and I don't know how to get around that
You don't get around something like that, you get away from that. Its easier said then done. Arm yourself with knowledge about you, who you are and how to get around that.
I notice a number of these channels never mentions financial abuse?
Thank you!❤
You're welcome 😊
Is a psychological effect of this, guilt to let ourselves feel, be, express that we are happy. Like something in our minds isn't letting us smile about ourselves (activate the vegus nerve). However, other people are worthy, so it's allowed out when others do something good
But what if it's your parent?
i think i'm still really confused about what actually constitutes abuse. where is the line between a husband (or wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever) who is just a jerk and one who is abusive? there was *never* any physical abuse in my relationship. after my now-ex left, my therapist told me that he was emotionally abusive and that i'd been living in a domestic violence situation. where's the line? he didn't try to isolate me, he didn't constantly trash me, didn't make me dress a certain way, or any of the typical manipulative/controlling things that so commonly define abuse. but I was always afraid of making him angry. all that would happen when he got angry is that he'd be short with me until his anger peaked, give me the silent treatment, then verbally explode, telling me over and over and over again why i was wrong/that i sucked as a wife. he'd usually end with "i don't know what else to say," which was my cue that I could walk away. then i got the silent treatment more until he decided he was done being angry. then he'd act like nothing happened. wash, rinse, repeat. big deal. lots of people deal with far worse than that. was it really enough to be considered "abuse"? that's such a loaded word....
That is what I lived with for 30 years, I didn’t know that was abuse. He controlled me with his anger. I did or did not say or do things to avoid the pain of the silent treatment and explanations how defective I was.
It gets harder to leave the longer you stay. I’m glad you are calling him “ex” now. 🤗
There's a difference between being grumpy and snapping at someone, everyone does that, no human is perfect or perfectly balanced. Humans are emotional creatures and we aren't always in perfect control.
But directing that at you and making it about you is abuse
Hi, I’m glad I came across your comment on this post because I have been married for 3 years now and these are the exact experience that I am going through at the moment.
Though my partner does not isolate me from friends nor family, he does not “control” what I’m wearing, he does not physically hurt me, he does not call me names but….
His anger would get so explosive that there were episodes of constant blaming, tension building, criticising over small matters, repeatedly condemning how I handle or care for my son, condemning with extremely harsh words about my family…
To the point I get extremely exhausted after each HUGE fight because I’d always stand firm and fight for myself. To the point I get anxious whenever I sense there’s a slight tension from him… and now I am beginning to see my situation in a much clearer sense - I have developed sense of resentment towards him.
I’ve tried thousands approaches and ways to communicate, to share how hurtful those times can be.. unfortunately he does not see it and he still thinks I am the incompetent one.
Would you mind to share more about your experience as I am currently seeking support from my family and validation because I AM planning my own path
I know this doesn't really have much to do with this specific video, but I have a question that I can't seem to find a good answer for no matter how much research I do. How can I reach out with self harm struggles, and what do I say?
Yes I went through it's and it's hard to heal
This how my very first relationship was. Which is sad bc how could you ruin my first impression to a relationship w this type of behavior? Ever since I been trying to break this target on my back I have . Seems like ever since I been attracting the same person but with a different style of abuse. I've learned my lesson but it's something within me that all abusive people seem to see. I'm taking a big break from dating .
I left for the third time and o feel so so guilty. I hurt him. He admitted that he physically verbally and mentally abused me. I feel like it’s my fault. Like I got him mad for mentioning things and pushed him to it. I had so many bruises and marks on Me. Things you couldn’t even see. I’m begging for him back. I feel like I messed up so bad. Like he said he needs time to focus on his health because his anxiety from not being able to accept himself for treating me the way he did is getting to him, he said his heart is having problems now because of our fights. How is this my fault. He ripped my shirt and bra up while it was on me, and tried replacing it when he got paid. Also my purse.