AUTISM AND SEX 🫣
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In this video, Dan, who has Autism, ADHD, and OCD, discusses
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Comment “I am autistic!” so I can notice you!
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This is a video where The Aspie World (AspieWorld1) Autism In Girls (Socialising Info YOU Need To Know)
Autistic mama here 🙋♀️ sex is difficult because it’s such a sensory experience. Being with a partner who understands that is important in my experience 🥰
1000% Thank you so much for the comment! Make sure you are subscribed and have the notifications turned on :).
Very recently self-diagnosed autistic 45 years old gay man here. One of the things I've been thinking these days, is how, being autistic, I could like sex so much? This a long wall of text, but keep up with me. After all, I'm in a minority INSIDE a minority. It seems like god or whoever created me decided to give me ALL the minorities cards he could give me, and see how I fare.
My issues with sex are BEFORE and AFTER the encounter itself.
BEFORE the encounter: I can't read social cues, or non-verbal communication. MANY people flirted with me, but I only realized days or even months after that, so I had to go to places where sex is an un-written and mandatory rule, where I'm sure that everyone is there for that (like cruising restrooms, or bathhouses). I always attributed that to shyness, or being in the closet. Turns out, I got out of the closet this year, and the issues are the same. Unless I agree beforehand (I had encounters with many sex workers) I wouldn't go to the encounter itself. I can't even look at their eyes, or touch them or kiss them before the act, I seem cold and robotic (some partners told me that).
When I get to the act itself, it seems like a switch in my brain flips, and enter into a focused mode. My priority is giving my partner the best time he can get. I get passionate, I kiss, hug, I even like to look directly into my partner's eyes, it's so sexy to do that (whenever, outside of sex, I'm unable to do that with anyone). I won't even mention the amount of kinks I have or YT will censor this message. I even forget to have orgasms, I just want to see my partner having a good time. And yes, I'm clumsy as hell, whenever I try to imitate something I saw on an adult movie, it ends in an awkward moment, hah. I suppose my autism shows in the way I'm obsessed with my partner having a good time, sometimes in detriment of my enjoyment. The bad thing is that sometimes in the middle, if I lose my drive, everything goes to hell, I go to my post-act mode (in the next paragraph), and it's not fun. Fortunately that only happened like only once.
AFTER the act. The switch in my brain flips again. I don't hug, or kiss my partner, nothing. I can't look at him at the eyes and barely maintain an after-sex conversation. It's like... I create barriers or want to flee immediately. It's not nice, and I guess that's why I don't know what a true romantic partner is. My long stay in the closet, paired with my autistic issues and zero dating experience, makes me totally unexperienced on the dating subject. That's why I don't think I'll ever meet someone who understands and accept me. Who would? I'm a walking mess.
My partner used to be exactly like what you described, when IN the act, he was mind blowing determined to make sure i was more than satisfied! TBH, no one has even come close to his level of pleasure! And you're description of not caring if you were pleased, fits too. Many times, reciprocation was not wanted, which was quite confusing to me. And I distinctly remember, in the middle of a very peak moment, it was like a switch flipped off, he stopped and it's never been the same since. Actually ZERO interest now. It's left me wondering what happened? Did I do something! What's wrong? Refuses to talk about it and gets quite upset if I pressure him to talk about it. For years now, I think he is just over us, but he is adamant that is not the case, but just won't talk to me. Sex was/is a major part of a relationship and he just doesn't want to talk about it or deal with it. The hurt, anxiety and self esteem blow to me has been almost more than I can take. I wish I knew what to do.
I think that sex is an important part of developing as someone with Asperger's, because it helps me deepen a relationship with someone that I care about. It often helps to change my focus because I will change from thinking about all the other million things in my head to focus on the other individual and their needs.
Thank you so much for the comment! Please subscribe to my channel to see more videos from me :).
I see sex as a want, not a need.
I will have been married 8 years in September, and even well before I got diagnosed in 2020 I knew I was a bit... Odd. I'm ultra hyper sensitive to touch, and my wife has never lacked in the libido department, so sometimes she will want it, but I would rather fight a bear than be touched by ANYONE. But, I don't want to be selfish, so I would have really awkward sex that was super overstimulating.
It's hard because in America, as a black man I'm "supposed" to be hypergamous and always DTF.
Instead I'm genuinely confused about the concept of make up sex. If I'm upset or feel hurt by my wife the very last thing I want is physical contact, much less the hour or so of prolonged contact that she wants.
That is super interesting thank you for sharing and being so honest. Thank you so much for the comment! Make sure you are subscribed and have the notifications turned on :).
I don’t get ‘make up sex’ either. I’d say be you🙏🏼 Don’t tell your wife you’d rather fight a bear, lol, but tell her about how you feel when you’re having a quiet emotionally intimate moment. Then it will be easier to address when you actually do feel like you’d rather fight a bear. You don’t need to be/feel ‘selfish’ to make it work for you as well.
But hey, you’re married, I’m not, so you don’t have to take my word for it 🧘🏻♀️🙏🏼
There’s no one size fits all black man dear. As a (at that time young) girl the boys didn’t seem to notice, I’ve heard a lot of big boy talk & bragging among the black guys I hung out with (Europe/US same) and my BS detector went off with a lot of that talk. Maybe they weren’t monogamous, but it didn’t mean they were at it all the time and lasting for hours. I think they slept a lot more than their big mouths seemed to imply…. and I heard their girls talk of course 😉, different perspective.
Your wife chose you 🙏🏼
@@aaloha2902 For the sake of clarity now that I'm not taking a quick break at work: It's less anxiety over being, shall we say, quick (like you said, she DID choose me ;) ), and more just attempting to ignore the sensation that I avoid 24/7 with everyone BUT her. I go very far out of my way not to bump into people. Physical contact with another person is intimate, a sharing of sorts, and if I'm gonna have sexy times with my wife I don't want to share my overstimulation with her through that connection. I feel like I may not have given the best impression of my wife. She's wonderfully patient with me, and I'm really blessed to be her husband. While she's not entirely neurotypical she isn't ADHD or autistic, so there are naturally going to be misunderstandings and different needs.
It really boils down to sex being the thing that she wants to know that we're ok, and it's really hard to get in the zone when I'm still overstimulated regardless of what I want.
And as far as being a black man it has quite a bit to do with the baked in racism that permeates the States, both external and internal. It's an oversexualization that was told about us for so long that we started believing it ourselves. You can see it in a lot of these 'Manosphere' creators like Fresh and Fit, who talk endlessly about women but obviously don't even enjoy anything about them other than how getting with them makes them look to the homies. It's weird. Having a high body count is considered to be a yardstick of masculinity for a truly tragic number of men, and it all has it's roots in propaganda meant to keep southern white folks scared following Reconstruction. The image of the savage Black Buck is what got Emmet Till tortured and lynched for allegedly whistling at a white woman, for instance.
We're getting into the weeds a bit here, but just know that I'm talking about something that I cannot do justice in a comment. Foreign Man in a Foreign Land has a great video discussing it.
As a black woman with late diagnosed autism I feel so seen. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this comment.
I’m 26 and to date I have had 8 sexual partners...and every single one of them initiated contact and (outwardly and directly) expressed interest first. At this current point in time, and for all of my life thus far, I am completely and utterly useless when it comes to flirting and letting women know that I’m interested in a way that isn’t too forward or awkward. I can’t wrap my head around it.
Blurt it out directly. Say I am attracted to you. If nothing comes out is not a big loss
@@trouaconti7812 the problem with that is, the way that I understand casual human social etiquette to work, if my method of trying to get laid was to just walk up to every girl I find attractive and say "hey. I think you're attractive. What say you" that I would just quickly gain a reputation as the creepy weird guy in town who harasses women.
I really have no tangible reason to believe this is not an accurate inference
Wow! I am 46 y.o. and I had sex one time as a teenager on her initiative, after that I didn't have sex until I 41 when I woman asked me in an sms if I wanted to come over for some sex.
I have been hit on a couple of times, but I have been too socially awkward to be able to take her home or follow her home. I haven't understood what I was supposed to say or do. For instance, one time a woman grinded herself against me in a bar, which is pretty hard to misinterpret even for an autistic person like me! She wanted to buy me a drink and we both had our turn to the toilet abd came back. When I felt the need to rush to the toilet a second time, for some reason I felt so ambarrased to tell her that I just left the table to go the toilet without telling her after which she of course thought I had lost interest and I understood that that would probably happen, yet, I didn't dare to tell her that I needed to pee a second time. Stuff like this have made it impossible for me to get layed even when a woman clearly shows sexual interest.
No to complain, it was a great and helpful video, but I have one comment. Sex is not necessarily only intercourse. Lesbians don't have intercourse, yet they have sex, also some physical issues can impede the possibility for intercourse. I have interstitial cystitis and prolapsed uterus and bladder. I thought I couldn't have sex until I realized I could redefine it as more than intercourse. I only put this comment incase someone reading thinks they have to stay away from intimacy because they can't have intercourse. Oh, also people who don't want the intensity of intercourse or the possibility of pregnancy or for religious reasons. You can still have other kinds of satisfying intimacy if you find an understanding, creative and boundary respecting partner.
As a lesbian, thank you for explaining this & also thanks for mentioning other things that others could feel validated too! I have an amazing wife and she is the most loving & respectful person ✨
Great video again Dan. Thank you for being our voice and creating discussion.
Personally I am 48, mother of six, but I hate sex, it makes me really really aggressive being touched by anyone. After 26 years of marriage my husband still has no clue ! Masking is so damaging when you have done it for so long that you can’t even let the mask down with the people you live with.
Oh man! Yeah it can be tough!! Thank you so much for the comment! Make sure you are subscribed and have the notifications turned on :).
Wow
I’m in the same boat- you aren’t alone.
Edit: except I’m male, but the same situation with masking re: sex
Are you scared that he'll want a divorce from you if you tell him you're autistic?
This also means that people with Autistic Spectrum Disorders need to learn about it and yet allistics assume we don't want it.
Indeed!
I bloody want it. ...
@@Plethorality I agree.
thank you for this discussion i have had issues with sex and my sensory processing. thank you for mentioning the “where are the boundaries” being very clear is important
For sure!! Thank you so much for the comment! Make sure you are subscribed and have the notifications turned on :).
Don’t get me wrong, as a teenager myself I’m naturally curious about sex through adolescence, but I’ve done a lot of research on the background of sex, the psychology aspect of it, and I’ve always wondered if anyone did the same thing as me. I doubt im gonna figure out all I want and like the first time I do it, but I really hope my partner will be able to hear me out and my thoughts so intimacy is something we can both enjoy because I’ll likely love her to the end of time :)
Yes! Thank you so much for the comment!
I did exactly the same when I was a teenager. As an adult, it's weird to know people never wanted to know sex that way
@@RayaRSS most people won’t get it, unfortunately. One thing that makes us autistic people special 🤷♂️
Its the only moment i can stand being touched by other people without feeling uncomfortable. I do enjoy it very much and yes, but also with a bit of routine in it, in the way that when we have done a thing once or twice, i expect it everytime to happen. But outside distractions like loud noises can ruin the total experience.
100% agree! Thank you so much for the comment! Make sure you are subscribed and have the notifications turned on :).
Yes! Sounds are my big sensory issue so I definitely can't have sex if there is a broadcast or music in the background, for example. That completely catches my attention.
I’m autistic and I’ve had several partners tell me they only feel like I open up and they can connect with me when we’re having sex.
I'm a sex repulsed Autistic Asexual. I hate how Allistic and Neurotypicals deem us too Innocent, quirky and Childish to understand this stuff. It's abelist thinking. Like, just coz I'm Asexual, it doesn't mean I don't know about it 😢
There's been language for less than 100 000 years, but there's been sexual reproduction for about 600 million years, so the non-verbal component is massive. That means that initiating/negotiating sex has the challenge of impaired non-verbal communication.
Intimacy is the most important and beautiful part of being in a relationship and being married. As someone who has been autistic since the age of 5, I love sex. Sex is not a problem for me, but phone sex is.
You may have been diagnosed at five, but we are born with it.
And yes, intimacy can me beautiful.
Makes sense
At the moment im still only self diagnosed but i love sex. My love language is touch but i never let just anyone touch me. So since that desire for touch gets reserved for someone special even just the lightest touch sends chills through my body. I'm also a people pleaser in the bedroom and have gotten good feedback(tryna keep it as appropriate as possible 😂) i dont feel like its all that complicated, on my end at least!
I have the same experience. I crave for touch but never let anyone touch me unless I see them as a possible partner. Sometimes it gets too lonely just because there is no one to share good touch with. That’s why I love my cats, when I hug and pet them it feels less lonely.
I was diagnosed with autism at 12 years old. However I have a very strong sex drive but I don’t have sensory problems when it comes to physical touch. I think learning about the 5 love languages is very important
Calling disability “sexy” could have the unfortunate side effect of making disabled people targets.
I agree but it was a positive campaign
Well, I am a monogamous gay man with a very high sex drive but I don’t have sex because I am not into hookups, etc.
I have a question everybody have a autism they have a kids just asking
Not everyone
To answer for myself here no we can’t because I can’t even meet new people and keep them around once they leave so no I’ll never get to experience intimacy with someone else because I’m a freak in the eyes of everyone I talk to. I regret learning about autism and I regret allowing people to diagnose me as it’s a curse and I don’t want to live with it anymore. As an individual who is 26 and autistic I believe that there is no way I’ll be able to do anything adult period. My family keeps me closeted (can not leave property without permission) and all of my “friends” are online so i have zero social ability and because I’ve been an inside kid my life I’ve seen myself on the sidelines for everything. Like recently i bought a realm for mc so i could play with people i enjoy playing with and it’s MY REALM but recently I’ve felt like i have to put my everything aside as the people i play with won’t play with me anymore because they don’t like what or how im playing my games so i cancelled the subscription. I’m glad others get the chance to be the main character in their own life. Ive always and will always be the background character not important to anything in my own life and in everyone else’s
Without airing any of my experiences, oh, I know we autistic people can have sex, if we find the right person.
What about LGBT is that common in Autism?
Just as common as in any other human
I’m going to back that up and say yes❤😂and it’s fun
Heck yeah dude 🫶🫶
Pardon the pun. "Autistic people may have difficulty with the in's and out's of intercourse". As an autistic person, I found the oun amusing.
One does not "become" asexual! One is asexual from birth!
Yeah, dude. We just pair off based on survey results
Well that explains alot,why i was told once that was too "full on".I blame it on my hormones.
My challenges are of not being good at relationships, pursue anyone I am specifically interested in is like maybe if I were "Chosen."
My father that was sexually abusive (Bisexuality and a Pedophile, also we tried two stock or get even me to stock girlfriends that had rejected him) he was also a sexual predator the top this off very conservative.
So I've never been able to really test myself in a relationship and what he had to offer in terms of advice was useless and juvenile friends are also useless, and when you finally grow up and become an adult you're supposed to have it all down pat.
I’m sorry to hear this and RUclips is a great place for some help but therapy could be a great place to get info too and guidance
I love sex and I'm an Autistic ADHD'er with Alexithymia. I have a high libido. And Ive had between 150-162 partners. I believe it is the sensory seeking for me as well.
Oh my goodness i hope your using protection for your protection and eveyone else
Ok Barney Stinsen 😂
"Pardon the pun" hahaha Dan!
Hahaha
Hi! Im an autistic person that is asexual, but i do have s3x, once in awhile! So i just want to clear up a few things about asexual people because theres a lot of misunderstandings! Asexual means that you have little to no s3xual attraction, & some asexuals engage in it, whether they have lil or no feelings, will engage for the bond with their partner, or for all the health benefits! Or other reasons; while others might be like a hecc no zero of that for me! Its a spectrum, kinda like autism is ✨
ASD 1 here… I think we feel it deeper.
I imagine so. I HAVE two sons. When they were children, there was NO DOUBT they were mine!
Spot on.
Thank you so much for the comment! 🙏🏼🫶
Loved the pun haha. This is such an important subject! Im so glad to see a video discussing it. I have major sensory issues and it makes sex extremely difficult for me to enjoy. This has been an ongoing struggle for me, even though I am in a wonderful and loving relationship. It's so hard for me to "let go", but when I can, it's sort of like sex can be the ultimate stim haha. It is kind of like stimming at a super high level with another person. I am so thankful that my partner is so understanding when it comes to boundaries, etc. He is not autistic or ADHD (I'm both), but he has been impossibly kind when it comes to my sexual "issues". Thanks for this Dan!
Personally I like sex. I also like physical affection. At the same time, I'm happy just being by myself at times. I guess for me, it's one of those take it or leave it kind of things.
Thank you so much for the comment!
I am sooooo happy there is a discussion on this. Being with my partner who has autism and sex is still something we are tangoing still. This gives me an open to understand. I believe we both like it a lot but im still guessed on his behalf. Thank you again for this video
I have been asked if can sex because I am autistic like it is any of there business. When I tell people I can’t have kids they say autism is no reason not to because they Believe I can. If I could have kids I would simple as that. I don’t believe in sex before marriage.
On our honeymoon we tried it once but we couldn’t complete the deal for laughing so hard as we had never done it before. The next day my husband’s gran died and we have really tried again since. I am not that bothered about it. I find other ways to satisfy my needs.
my autistic friend only likes kisses on the cheek. He said mouth kissing is wet. He does like me to kiss him in his neck and ear. But..the only thing i get back is huggs. which are wonderful. i love the huggs. He said he will always be single. That he will never have sex. He needs to care for his mother and cares fir him... hes 42 yr old. i dont undesrand.
I always known of sex being very relaxing. I've seen true evidence of this and I also found out myself due to personal reasons. It truly does feel good at times, but only with a person who I trust.
My lady tells me she's too fat for sex, and that she's ashemed. Haven't had sex now for surely .. 20 years. But we do other things together, and I have my motorcycles and other stuff, so I'm good.
WHAT??? How do you survive! Freaking out without an orgasm or no sx!
Haven’t watched the whole thing but just answering the title. Of course we can and I have 2 kids 😊
The wrong question.
I am AuADHD and OCD like yourself .
That's just 😂😂😂😅😂😂😂
I have a daughter
I have 3 kids. So no. We can't.
What O.o
@@TheAspieWorld I couldn’t help myself. I had to troll the question. I have no filter lol. I get some many dumb questions when people find out I’m Autistic and have ADHD. That my troll comes out.
When I was younger people always talked about is computer nerds being virgins. So yea. lol
Yes.