That urge to annihilate myself is so strong. I've had it since early childhood. Then I feel weak for "letting" those feelings happen. It's the sign that I need to protect myself. She never did or would or could. Kati said something in a video that stuck with me. I think of it when I question cutting her out of my life. She said we can feel compassion, but "does that mean we have to set ourselves on fire to keep them warm?" No. No, we don't.
That is how I feel too. After years of not sharing things with her, I opened and shared, allowed myself to be vulnerable and she ended up shutting me down and I felt so stupid and realized like wow, I will never have a relationship with her and I jusst need to accept that. She just makes me feel so guilty. I am moving out of state soon and dont even want her to know. I am having a hard time with what ill do. But most likely wont be telling her. Even thinking of changing my number. She doesn't even contact me and when she does its to only gossip about our family she doesn't even like and contacts just to get any information about them. I am just so tired of it. I am tired of feeling like it makes me a bad person.
24 years of enduring every kind of abuse...it’s taken up nearly my whole life. The hardest part is knowing that the person meant to protect me was the one who broke me. Healing feels like a distant hope that am relying on. I wish strength and recovery for you, for me, and for everyone out there dealing with the same thing. I’m 30 now, taking medication and going through therapy, but I’m still trapped under the same roof, dealing with constant manipulation and emotional abuse. I try to focus on the small positives, like the fact that the physical abuse has stopped. I’m heartbroken but holding on as I work towards leaving and starting fresh in another country. Please keep me in your prayers.
Your situation sounds similar to mine. I’m 60 and didn’t get away until a year ago. The longer you stay, the more damage they cause. I wish I had access to this information when I was younger and healthier. The best thing you can do for yourself is get away from her as soon as you can. Only then will you be able to start healing. Sending you hope and prayers.
Number 8 is so powerful - at some point we all have to have some form of crash or crisis that wakes us up to the reality of having an unhealthy and warped mother. On the surface, she is jolly, kind, attentive, but on the other she is envious, selfish, unconcerned with your welfare, and overly obsessed with her pain. We were not seen for who we were, we needed to be the children they wanted. And we can only put that act on for so long. So yes we have to accept that she is the way she is and that we carry a void inside us that only we can resolve. This is tragic but emboldening - we can become wiser and stronger than they ever could.
A wise person said "Boundaries are where I can still love you while loving myself." I love these tips and they're very much in line with staying grounded in our own sense of sovereignty and not just cutting people off!
Do not deal with narcissist. No contact and done. They never change, they manipulate, hurt and destroy. Last time I saw her, I was 40 years old. It was wasted time. And it was really the last time. Do not go back. I tried to leave her since I was twenty. I needed twenty years to understand. Wish you luck
It took me 30+ years to realize my mom and my dad are both hardcore narcissists after going through too many crying-out-loud-alone events. It's scary to think how I managed to survive. There are a few instances when I thought of a quick end and wanted nothing to do with this world. I feel pity for my younger self for all the pain that suffered and had no courage to draw any boundaries as I needed their validation to survive. Thanks to both of them for giving me a shit ton of mental issues that I do not even know I could fully recover from in my life. Glad that I now live far away and that I am somewhat able to find peace in current chaotic and stressful world.
This matters so much to me I'm almost in tears to hear my life laid out in front of me so clearly. There is no way I can express my gratitude enough for these videos and this one in particular 🙏
My narcissistic mother never changed. She brutally abused me. Fortunately, she died, but she never once apologized to me. She never honoured my boundaries. She erased my identity. Ironically, she always told me she hated me, but she hated and rejected the person she forced me to become (NOT the true person I am that was buried deep down inside of me). After she died, it took me 10 years to figure out my own true identity. My mother never validated or approved me once. I never had a support group. My mother successfully convinced others that I was the problem thus also destroying my reputation. When I finally stopped jumping through “all her hoops”, my life improved despite the guilt she dumped on me. I was over exhausted taking care of all her needs and ignoring mine. She never allowed me to take care of my own needs and then said she was disgusted with me and blamed me for being so disgusting. She was extremely selfish. I grieve never having a mother who loved me. Due to my mother being so cruel and horrible, she caused me to even hate the word “mother”. The best day of my life was when my mother died. That was when I finally had the guilt-free freedom to discover who I truly am, actually take care of my needs for the first time in my life, and slowly work on my own healing and becoming the best version of myself. I am still a work in progress. The best advice I could give to teenage children of narcissistic parents is to begin working part-time, save ALL your money, and move 300 miles away (escape) from your narcissistic parents the moment you become 18 years old. Before moving out, secretly learn everything you can about how to take care of yourself and how to live independently. Put all your plans into place and then move out. Then go no contact with your parents. You do not owe them anything. Then figure out who you are and live your best life. This is what I wish I would have done.
Me too. Because I was so well trained to believe I could not survive, or raise my children without her help, she lived with me until I was 40. She lived with me. My house, my paycheck, 3 husbands, 2 children. Many jobs, many relationships, not getting to parent my children as I was not allowed boundaries. I was not even allowed to cook or clean. Now I am 66. My mother died 8 years ago. I still don't know who I am. I did realize my grief was knowing I would never know the unconditional love of a mom. Still trying to get on with life but it's so hard. Some days I am so tired I can't.
@@looneybleu3688 Hugs. You have my compassion. I understand your pain and suffering. It takes time to figure out your true identity, but it is doable. I took a lot of personality tests online several times, because I struggled with doubt and the brainwashing from my mother. Just google personality tests. Eventually, I understood what I truly resonated with and what I did not. I also used trial and error method to figure out if I genuinely liked/loved something or not. It took me time to distinguish between what my mother brainwashed me to like/love and what I genuinely liked/loved. Even when I interact with people, I ask myself if I am comfortable saying or doing something. I had to learn to establish boundaries with people. It felt very awkward at first, but I learned over time. What is painful is knowing I should have figured this stuff out when I was growing up and not so late in life as an adult. Please do not give up. Rest when needed - but definitely take care of all your needs - and then continue after you are rested. I understand. People who have parents who love them unconditionally won the lottery when it comes to parents. It is important that you love your true self. You have always mattered and you were always loveable regardless what your mother said or did. Just know that is the truth.
@@pamelaclark6694 Thank you. Hindsight after life experience provides the best wisdom. I am so happy and proud of you for surviving also. I hope you always love yourself and take care of your needs.
Changing and growing requires humility and honesty which narcissists are INCAPABLE of My mother died 7 months ago of cancer and not even in the end she was willing to admit all the nightmare she put me through There's no point in waiting for them to ever self inquire They simply don't wanna go there, that shows their self loathing
Kati, I’m 67 years young. I had a narcissistic mom and then gained a narcissistic mother-in-law. What a long, complicated journey this has been. This is such a wonderful video, and so helpful to remind us to keep celebrating our growth! I am now a grandma, with grandkids who love me deeply. I also have a wonderful relationship with the best daughters-in-law ever. Breaking the cycle is so freeing! Your videos are priceless…thank you!
And when you hang up the phone on your verbally abusive mother….and 10 minutes later you have to make a call….you pick the handset up, only to hear your mother still yelling down the phone at you. She didn’t realise you had hung up on her.
Kati. I was adopted by a narcassitic woman. I have gone through each and everyone of these and am healed. She's 98 now and afraid to die. The entire family is ready for her to go. She's an emotional vampire.
Thank you so much for this video from the bottom of my heart. ❤ My mom is a narcissist, which I have only discovered recently. I am on my path of healing. My dad has always been a loner, I guess due to his childhood emotional neglect/trauma and also due to his some mental illnesses. Unconsciously, I have also become a loner, and I find it very hard to communicate to someone on a deeper level, make friends, and maintain them. Hoping you could make a video regarding this topic. Thanks!
1 Narcissists cannot change. Ever. 2 Get away from the narcissist, cease communicating with them entirely, change your number. Total no contact is the only effective boundary. 3 Forget about the opinons of the narcissist 4 Stop thinking about the narcissist, direct your attention elsewhere, do not seek any relationship with the narcissist, they must become a stranger to you. 6 Stop thinking about the narcissist 8 Stop seeing the narcissist, forget about your experience of the narcissist, the narcissist is fake, always has been, always will be. Everything else is ok
This is probably going to sound horrible, but I am glad I started this journey after my mom died. It has been hard enough. I can’t imagine the added pressure of still having to deal with her in person. You folks that are still having to deal with a live narc mother are f’ing warriors!
Even though I cut out my mother and other family members who were like her over 3 years ago and have been on a long deep healing journey where I have had to teach myself all of these steps, I needed to hear this. I am greatful that others get to hear this and wont have to struggle to learn it by themselves like I did. Some of these steps are hard and there are scars that will never completely go away, but thats okay, take those lessons with you and become stronger for it. Treat your kids and other people the way you wish you mother had treated you and never forget you are more than her trauma.
I have completely cut off my relationship with my mom bc it was not healthy and I knew she wasn’t going to change. Just pure evil. I’ve been reading the book “Boundaries” and it’s been SUPER healing and helpful, and even offers Biblical advice on staying away from those who cause harm, which was super helpful to me as a Christian. Some parents will use their children’s faith against them, and that’s how my mother used to do me, so I felt it was my duty to keep a relationship with her, but biblically that is inaccurate. God has showed me that it’s not okay to let others harm me. So instead of feeling guilty for setting firm boundaries and staying away from harm, I’m being obedient to God and staying FAR away from abuse. I feel so free. It’s difficult to break away from brainwashing but my church family has been supportive and doesn’t hit me with “but that’s your mother bla bla”, instead they reassure me that I’m on the right path. And Im grateful for that. Thank you SO much for the helpful information you share here Katie, I’ve always love you and your channel. Xo❤
I have just lost my mother to cancer, during her last years she started to change, slowly growing away from her narcissistic self, but not quite getting there before the end. I was so excited, hoping I'd finally have the mom I always wished for, but it never happened. My husband not 2 years prior, went through a similar thing. Knowing what I know now, I wish I was a better support for him. Losing a mother, and everything we wished for in that relationship is something I feel like no one can truly understand and empathize with unless they go through it themselves. Having someone around who knows what you're going through and can relate to the intense feelings of shame and guilt is something I would have gone crazy without. Though a lot of your video cant be used any longer for us (boundaries and stuff), the ones that still applied helped a lot. I always look forward to watching your videos with my husband as we find ways to heal from our shitty pasts together
Kati , bless you. You are addressing some dark stuff. I had a spiritual awakening a little year ago. Never felt love like that before. Good luck. Keep up the effort.
The other day, a thought i had and feeling that i so deeply miss my mother, the one i thought and needed to have, came and it felt so overwhelming. It was such a deep longing and deep hurt and sadness where the emptiness is i really miss the relationship and connection that was not there. And when i heard you saying it out loud in my own exact words felt so validating and it made me feel less out of place. Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart
Thanks! I appreciate this video and I watched hundreds probably. The grace in which you explain is relatable bc I’m quite the softy but enough has become ENOUGH! She’s older and sickly now and there was a lot of guilt in deciding to cut her off plus a lot of my family don’t support me bc they don’t see that side of her. Thank you again for confirmation 💔
I’ve got a functional neurological disorder with my mum and going no contact doesn’t stop my mum,but I continue to try and heal and protect my own family and live life
Encouragement comes from such strange places! I feel like I'm slogging through the mud right now and struggling to make any progress, but a health practitioner who saw me a month ago (totally unrelated to mental health) congratulated me a few days ago for maintaining my boundaries and making a little progress every day even while dealing with all the other health stuff. She said I looked already like there's been some benefit to my health from going no contact and that it was me and my hard work that did that. I cried afterwards from gratitude and feel like I have some hope restored that the slog is starting to pay off and that it's only up from here. Much love ❤
First step i took is accepting her, she had a rough childhood. I read this book called Adult Children Of Immature Parents, helped me a lot. This might sounds odd but it worked with me, I started asking her why when she says something that makes me feel off and i try and see her intentions because i realized that most of her answers were fear for her own reputation or just her opinion. About the idealized mother thing, i like to be her. I'm not a mom but i like to treat my inner-child like my actual child. i talk softly to her, when she's scared i try to figure out why...etc. Now i feel that i have a sense of control and i can hear my own voice. it comes in waves but I'm way better than i was. Now mom is genuinely surprised every time i set boundaries and talk to her like an adult. I know moms see their kids as their babies even when they're old. It doesn't stop the fact that I'm an adult. Still on self discovery journey!
A support group would be nice, as I am visiting my parents and grandparents and my narcissistic mother is behaving horribly. I live over 3000 miles away on purpose. My dad is her only flying monkey but she ruins my reputation among my former neighbors and relatives. She fits all the NPD symptoms though her grandiosity manifests as a martyr complex, she makes everything about herself by always being the victim. It’s weird how she lies compulsively even about trivial things. My family are not very well educated about personality disorders, but most of us have learned to distance ourselves because she is so anxious and manipulative it makes us physically ill. She behaves completely differently when around a neighbor or someone not in the family. It took me 32 years to fully escape from her toxicity, which included perpetuating my depression and constantly telling me that no one would ever want to be close to me because I disappointed her. I could only disappoint her no matter what. I should not have come here because she overreacts to my emotional boundaries and is going off the rails again. I truly wish people like her did not exist. Not having the benefit of a true mother is heartbreaking, but at least she couldn’t break me.
My mom hurt me recently I try to be a good daughter but my narcissistic sister is ruining our relationship I’m worried that she is favoring my narcissistic sister over me and I felt betrayed I blocked them so they don’t be calling me I use to feel guilty but now I’m realizing they really don’t care about me. It’s helpful finding these videos thank you so much!
This is really wonderful, Kati. Thank you so much for these gentle, yet powerful suggestions. I find them not only helpful for someone who has had to heal and become stronger from a narcissistic parent, but from anyone of any significance in our lives.
Hi Kati, your voice is very soothing. And of course your content is spot on. I'm going through a tough time emotionally right now. I find myself feeling calmer when I play your videos in the background as I work. As a daughter of a difficult mom (don't wanna label her as NPD but she shows a lot of signs), I still struggle with the consequences of being raised by a woman like that.
The Reddit comment about grieving that part of her mom that isn’t a narcissist resonated with me! Though narcs are narcs no matter what, underneath all the manipulation and fantasy of her she created, I really did feel like my stepmom was my rock… I grieve that relationship potential, what could have and should have been. I love the song ‘I Wonder’ by Kellie Pickler feels like she’s singing about grieving the relationship with a narcissistic mother
Something that gave my brother and I the strengh to stop our mother from hurting the family, was the birth of his child. He's always been protective of me, but now we have the need to protect this baby and make sure their childhood is healthy. I guess we're finally cuting the toxic cycle! And our partners are really suportive, I'm glad my SIL is a great mom, and my boyfriend will be a great dad someday 🥰
Fantastic video My five-year relationship ended a month ago. The decision to part ways with the love of my life is something that truly consumes me. Though it's all in vain, I've tried everything to get him back, and I can't fathom my life with anyone else. Even though I've made every effort to quit thinking about him, I can't help but miss him and can't stop thinking about him. Why I am stating this here is beyond me.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
my mother would turn into the victim as soon I questioned her behaviour. she would deny, lie, deny some more and the finally was tears and * you have a roof over your head, clothes on your back and food on the table. She would sulk the entire day. Because she refused to acknowledge or take accountability as a parent......and the tears, she tried to manipulate the situation
I’ve said and done terrible things to my mom and I feel bad for that but at the same time she said and done terrible things to me and it feels like she isn’t sorry and doesn’t care and me and her just went through so much crap to the point I don’t feel like opening up to anymore and I have her and others blocked because I don’t want to be around that energy even if it’s over phone don’t get me wrong I still love her lots and miss her sometimes just the other bad stuff isn’t worth being around. Sometimes I wonder if it’s all my fault but I’m trying my best to move and this video helped me a lot realizing a lot of things and feel comforted hearing other’s experiences
Katie, I simply just loved this video. I have followed your videos for over a year now, and I love your perspective and passion for helping us all out here suffering. This video so validated my experience of what I have been doing and what I still must do. Thank you for being such a great voice out there. I would love to know your thoughts on how this plays out differently in men and women and in the romantic relationships they have after being abused by such and having the tendencies to also relate in such ways. And when its from the father instead of the mother. Though mine was from my mom, The community I am now in some have from their dad, and I wonder. By the way, you've been such an inspiration, it inspires me to press on as I go back for my master's in psychology.
Grateful for this video because I had a narcissistic mother. I'm in my late 20s, going to college in the US (from another country) and mum still uses me as a weapon in her broken marriage. Given how turbulent and emotionally abusive my family is, I don't want to go home. Mum is constantly trying to get me to go home and when she called 5 months ago, she yelled at me over the phone, scolding me about how I've 'abandoned' this family. I'm trying to cut ties but my biggest issue is money and that's also what she uses against me. She'll threaten and say that she'll stop giving me money/paying for my tuition if I don't go home. I'm also worried that she'll interfere in my life (she's always trying to interfere and gain control)... she always thinks I need her help and when I don't allow her to help or interfere, she calls me stubborn and says that I push her away... I really don't know what to do anymore, its so annoying having such a mother and I really want to be financially independent, stay away from my toxic family and cut ties with them.
I guess having a narcissist mom causes a sort of emotional neglect. I am currently reading the book - Running on empty, which is on emotional neglect. Emotional neglect is happens from not that what happened, but that what didn't happen. That is, what was not told by our parents, what was not shown from them, and what was not felt from them. I related to this when Kati mentioned point 8.
I did not know my mom was a narc until I ended an 18 year relationship with a Narc man, and began the research. This set me free, knowledge is power. She never changed, became a true snarling monster near the end, as I withdrew, pulled away a lot. She still was able to get at me with shame, guilt for not being a "good daughter". This spirit clung to me after she past for 1 year, prodding me to take all the blame, so this energy form could be released, move on. I thought it was her Spirit, now I am more sure it was a Narc entity, which had embodied her, become her most of the time, so I was battling with a Narc demon. It never accepted zero responsibility, could never acknowledge her actions on me. She owned nothing, she/it had no warmth, no empathy, it was a terrible tormenting spirit, there to torture me, so it never grew up, reflected, evade shame! She never changed, evolved into a human! I hear stories of sons caring for their elderly loving parents, almost feel shame, then I hear they get the house for the care work! We all need something in return, Narc love traumered, and destroy, they can not give genuinely.
My mother (78) is narcissistic and I live with her because she is physically disabled person so NOW I know the meaning of this phrase: Narcissism = Death By A Thousand Cuts - in practice... Sad But True
The roots of the actions of an extreme narcissist is selfishness. My mom is very high on the scale of narcissists and she doesn’t easily respect boundaries.
Mine has Alzheimers and has just moved to a care home after I was the main caregiver for 2-3 years with NO help! Currently clearing out her flat and now getting pressure to "forgive and forget" from other toxic relatives. Still feel trapped and she was never ever sorry for the abuse inflicted.
I've known my mother to be a narcissist since I was very young. She physically and mentally abused me daily. I believe when I was younger she was poisoning me as I was in and out of the hospital trying to "figure" out what was wrong with me. After my sister dove into a pool, hit her head, and sadly developed uncontrollable epilepsy she had "sympathy" from others for my sister's illness and I magically never had another stomach ache or bad urine/blood test. She stole my identity taking out credit cards in my name while I was in college, took my trip to Europe with my marching band when I couldn't afford the last payment, etc... not to mention all he physical beatings, constant berating, etc... When I had kids and she started in on them I started only meeting in public and then cut her off. I've worked hard with a therapist for a long time (multiple therapists over time). While I and my family are better off for not having her in my life I still feel 100% rejected and it makes me fear I'll lose my husband and kids' love as well one day. Once my mother realized I meant it and I wouldn't play her games and give in to her pity tantrums she hasn't once tried to contact me or my girls in 9 years beyond a standard Christmas card she sends to everyone. She plays the victim to the entire family and I've lost all relationships on my mom's side of the family. Thankfully, my in-laws are great and my cousins my Dad's side see through her. I can't seem to get past her not even trying to reach out to her granddaughters. Both have graduated from High School and one from college and not a peep. We just don't exist anymore. That I believe is why I have so much trouble believing that the relationships that are good might disappear as well. If she can do it and never once try to mend the relationship (I tried several times with no follow through from her over the past 10 years) they could to... Thankfully, my girls know I will always be there for them and if they broke off contact I would continue to attempt reconciliation on their terms for the remainder of my life.
It's hard enough for us to willingly change our dietary or fitness or finance goals or whatever growth we want to commit to. Narcissists need chaos because they get bored. That's very contrary to your goals. They're not about the long haul. They don't want it. You can't naively project your view onto them.
I did ALL of that but in all heartfelt honesty: I´m still broken! 5y no contact, and I mean NO contact at all. I´ve just seen her once walking as I drove by. NO contact. Not a single word. But guess what: Every damn time I think that I am ready to open up to a friendship of some sort, guess what: Repetition Compulsion leads me straight to the next pathological narcissistic person. And I am left wondering, if there even is a single person in my proximity who is not narcissistic. It feels like a goddamn curse :( And i start to really despise people. Edit: I know about my own narcissistic tendencies but they are not based on devaluing other people, they are more focused on getting validation for example through active listening and showing interest in other people all while setting clear boundaries for myself, not to manipulate others.
My narc mom turned my adult kids against me by telling them lies about me behind my back. My kids have now gone no contact with me and refuse to listen to anything I say to defend myself. 🤷♀️
Im currently packing to move out of my house and its finally hitting my mom that id rather pay to live somewhere else than live with her for free. Its almost funny to see her true colors this last week. All the little passive aggressive comments and things she whispers to my family is her way of trying to get me to stay apparently. I just wish she never had kids if she didnt want them to grow up.
Yes! Also beware that when you set boundaries, they can start an exclusion treatment or silent treatment, and this is used to make you feel guilty or to lure you back in and break your own boundaries cuz they want to say, see! It's you! My mom would start cooking foods she knew I loved while she was playing the silent treatment game and then when I felt guilty and apologized for what she actually did to me, then while I would be eating with her happily, she would say something so cold/hurtful that it would ruin the whole dinner as I was eating it! 😨🔥😈🔥
I have recently started setting firm boundaries and limiting contact with my narcissistic parents. And it's been really hard and lonely journey. I am not able to afford therapy currently. I was searching online support groups but was unsuccessful. Can somebody please suggest me a few online support groups suitable for me?
Btw I'm still struggling to be happy after going low contact with my parents. I have a harsh inner critic that sounds exactly like my mom. I hate her, and now I hate myself too. I'm at a loss. Have no idea how to heal properly. How do I even do stuff like "heal your inner child" when you were brought up in an environment filled with hate and negativity?
This was an awesome video Kati! But what do you do when your mom doesn't seem to fit into a typical box? My mom looks good on paper to outsiders, but was extremely verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive to me at home. Throw some physical in for good measure as well. Other adults would never believe it because of the front my mother put on for others, including teachers. And it's also hard for me to reconcile because I know my mother had a hard life growing up with my grandparents and was just trying her best. I also know I was an extremely hard baby and child (her words were I was attached to her tit and wouldn't leave her alone, yet she also told me I never crawled and I was walking on my own by the age of 9 months). Growing up, I saw the difficulty my mother had with my older sister (9 years older) so I did my best to make her life easier by trying to do everything perfectly and let her vent to me about everything. I was responsible for her emotional well-being by the time I was 5. Yet, it wasn't good enough and I was also the scape goat for anything that went wrong. I also became the adult to break up fights between her and my step father when he came into the picture and the therapist to them both to try to smooth things over and listen to their issues with each other. Nothing was ever good enough. And it would always be my fault. But she venomously denies all of this, even though it happens still to this day. She says I am making it all up and that I'm just a lying little bitch who is just an attention seeking whore. Things were never that bad and she never did any of that. And adults would never believe me because she would put on a front that fooled them and I was just too intimidated to tell them everything. I was too afraid of what would happen if I went into foster care than to leave the house if I told everything. (I am absolutely petrified of men because of sexual abuse that happened separately that no one knew about. No, not my step father. I love him immensely because he was there for me when my own dad wasn't. ).
My mother, too. My father died when I was 11. My mother's mom treated her the same way. She looked perfect on paper but 1 person saw through it. My great aunt Eileen. I have been thinking a lot about her lately. I think she was the only one my mother feared. I adored her!
I believe you ❤ From what you've written about the way she treated you, it sounds like your mother may have been high in trait narcisism (if not actual NPD- which none of us can diagnose. Only a psychiatric expert could do that & only if our mother/parent was willing to look at themselves) We don't need to fit them in a 'box' or discover what their issues are to heal ourselves. We were abused and/or neglected. Unloved & uncared for in a 'good enough' way by the very people who were supposed to do that. We were parentified and/or scapegoated. Whatever the 'reasons' behind their poor/ neglectful/ abusive behaviour, we can only heal & recover ourselves. We always deserved to be treated with love, respect & dignity and we can do that for ourselves now ❤
My mother is a narcissist, and has been holding my dogs hostage since January 31st. My dogs that I raised from birth, also known as my children. I am going to start a couple websites exposing her antics to any potential future victims or, you know, any potential employers who might decide to search her name. A complete list of all of the evils I can remember will be on there, including the time she took away my house key at age 17 and threatened to have me raped by homeless people and banished me from the house whenever she wasn't there (I had to go to the library after school every day and wait hours for her). Main goal is to encourage her to do the smart thing for once in her life. Luckily she won't be able to take down a website hosted in Iceland with her false accusations of slander.
You know what makes me mad people sit there and complain about how how bad their mother and what their mother did over and over again about it but then they don't understand they don't know what what the hell all the hell that I had to go through and all the pain and all the suffering when you have brain damage for the rest of your life then you know what the hell is and what pain and suffering is it's really ridiculous
My narc mother, lives half a country away, never apologizes even after she slices and dices me via text. Then she goes silent, then she thinks communication is sending me cute memes telling me how much she loves me. So twisted.
I must smoke one pound and a half of high grade marijuana per year and it helps a little to endure 2-4 visits per day, 3-7 texts per day, and 2-5 phone calls per day from mom. Forty years anticipating another twenty years before I allowed to make my own breakfast at a time when I decided except mom bring me the same exact breakfast that I feed to my dogs or chickens between 11:40am - 2:30pm eat the breakfast. If I say I'm fasting for the day she'll bring over a three course meal. The thing is I get constipated from eating steam-fried eggs with exceessive Montreal Steak seasoning which expired in 2017,and I side of corn tortillas and I don't eat corn. Essentially I raise chickens and give her eggs my preferred way to eat an egg is to find a clean warm fresh laid egg Crack it open and drink it down while the vital energy is contained within the egg and recieve 100% nourishment without having to throw away a plastic foam carryout box that mom brings over everyday and it's a shame to be throwing foam into the garbage as a daily routine, since I have not asker for breakfast but it proves she loves me because she is showing everyone that sees what she does for me. She likes for me to stand at her car window so she can stroke my face in front of the neighbors while we talk for however much time until she doesn't like the conv then starts her engine without warning and blows dust up at my face as she rolls up her window and drives away only to return in approximately two hours. Try to take a nap she let's her self in and wakes me up to see it I'm ok. Can't have a guest over and have privacy because she let's herself in if I don't answer the phone you known what I mean.
#1 was told to my sister by a Bishop at her church. He said, shes been like this her entire life. It would be unlikely she would change. #2, sometimes you have to stay away from them. I hung up on my "mother" SEVERAL times. It felt goooood 😂😂😂. Kicked her out of my house once for trying to smoke inside. I have asthma, and was 8 months pregnant. She gossiped to the family that I picked up a chair and tried to hit her. Sure, Im fighting at 8 months pregnant. THAT was a bald-faced lie. I straight up showed her the door. #3, Thats when I realized I wasnt crazy. I disowned her and her flying monkies. I have since been dxd with high functioning ASD, but its not mental illness. She dxd me herself (typical narc move-they know it all) with bopolar. Nope. Wrong. And thats not your place. #4, was a HUGE split. I started attending church, and she flipped. She lost that control, and the church taught things she didnt agree with.
I am finally moving out in a couple of days and this will help (after being stuck for almost 10 years). Going slow......very hard......but I will make it.. A background, I am a completely normal working adult. I dont drink, I dont smoke, I dont party, I never go out without telling my parents where I am going and who. I give her money everyone to survive. Things she said right after I told her that I am moving out: - for what? there is nothing wrong in this home. - are you throwing me alone with your sick dad in this big home? - do you not know that your dad is sick and what if he dies suddenly? - you aren't suppose to move out until you get married - are you gonna go live outside like a whore? Bringing different boys home? and more and more and more...everything from 10 years ago to now...
How do you repair your self image if your narcissistic mother treats you like a child, to the point where you never felt you were an adult. Almost like you never grew up mentally. You almost think you can't survive without them.
I feel like time and experiences are how you grow from that. I felt like I wasn't a "real adult" until my 30s because of this. It's still difficult sometimes. I wish you luck in your healing.
I grieve the mother I deserved, not the mother that I got.
Same here 😢
Yes but how do I heal? Because I am broken. In some areas. That pop up at the wrong time.
@@marcynovak2411 reparenting yourself--lots of resources on youtube about it
After 10yrs of zero contact, she hadn't changed a bit! Back to no contact to keep my peace & not feel suicidal again.
Funny how we have to test that every so often. Reassuring in a strange way, as in yes, I am right.
That urge to annihilate myself is so strong. I've had it since early childhood. Then I feel weak for "letting" those feelings happen. It's the sign that I need to protect myself. She never did or would or could. Kati said something in a video that stuck with me. I think of it when I question cutting her out of my life.
She said we can feel compassion, but "does that mean we have to set ourselves on fire to keep them warm?" No. No, we don't.
@@kathleenzea I hear you. Stay strong 🌻
@@jackdeniston6150 So true
One way I’m not like my narc mother is I love to learn and I love personal growth and just reflecting on life. She never did that.
After having an encounter with her just yesterday after 2yrs of no contact I think best way to deal with her is going no contact completely.
I hope you are alright. Those can be quite painful.
@@blauespony1013 I will be alright, taking one day at a time.
That is how I feel too. After years of not sharing things with her, I opened and shared, allowed myself to be vulnerable and she ended up shutting me down and I felt so stupid and realized like wow, I will never have a relationship with her and I jusst need to accept that. She just makes me feel so guilty. I am moving out of state soon and dont even want her to know. I am having a hard time with what ill do. But most likely wont be telling her.
Even thinking of changing my number. She doesn't even contact me and when she does its to only gossip about our family she doesn't even like and contacts just to get any information about them. I am just so tired of it. I am tired of feeling like it makes me a bad person.
Interesting how a 10 minute conversation can take months to get past, to regain the ground you had gained before that. ♥
Stay strong 💪🏼 I cut mine out many years ago. No regrets
24 years of enduring every kind of abuse...it’s taken up nearly my whole life. The hardest part is knowing that the person meant to protect me was the one who broke me. Healing feels like a distant hope that am relying on. I wish strength and recovery for you, for me, and for everyone out there dealing with the same thing.
I’m 30 now, taking medication and going through therapy, but I’m still trapped under the same roof, dealing with constant manipulation and emotional abuse. I try to focus on the small positives, like the fact that the physical abuse has stopped. I’m heartbroken but holding on as I work towards leaving and starting fresh in another country. Please keep me in your prayers.
Your situation sounds similar to mine. I’m 60 and didn’t get away until a year ago. The longer you stay, the more damage they cause. I wish I had access to this information when I was younger and healthier. The best thing you can do for yourself is get away from her as soon as you can. Only then will you be able to start healing. Sending you hope and prayers.
❤
There's always a way out, you're finding it now, even if it doesn't feel like it somedays. You got this, stay strong ❤
Number 8 is so powerful - at some point we all have to have some form of crash or crisis that wakes us up to the reality of having an unhealthy and warped mother. On the surface, she is jolly, kind, attentive, but on the other she is envious, selfish, unconcerned with your welfare, and overly obsessed with her pain. We were not seen for who we were, we needed to be the children they wanted. And we can only put that act on for so long.
So yes we have to accept that she is the way she is and that we carry a void inside us that only we can resolve. This is tragic but emboldening - we can become wiser and stronger than they ever could.
well said
A wise person said "Boundaries are where I can still love you while loving myself." I love these tips and they're very much in line with staying grounded in our own sense of sovereignty and not just cutting people off!
I love Katy and her advice. Interpreting a narcissist mom approval like a hung carrot you never get to was amazing.
Do not deal with narcissist. No contact and done. They never change, they manipulate, hurt and destroy. Last time I saw her, I was 40 years old. It was wasted time. And it was really the last time. Do not go back. I tried to leave her since I was twenty. I needed twenty years to understand. Wish you luck
This video is so healing for me but the grief of my relationship with my mother is hard to bear..
It took me 30+ years to realize my mom and my dad are both hardcore narcissists after going through too many crying-out-loud-alone events. It's scary to think how I managed to survive. There are a few instances when I thought of a quick end and wanted nothing to do with this world. I feel pity for my younger self for all the pain that suffered and had no courage to draw any boundaries as I needed their validation to survive. Thanks to both of them for giving me a shit ton of mental issues that I do not even know I could fully recover from in my life. Glad that I now live far away and that I am somewhat able to find peace in current chaotic and stressful world.
This matters so much to me I'm almost in tears to hear my life laid out in front of me so clearly. There is no way I can express my gratitude enough for these videos and this one in particular 🙏
My narcissistic mother never changed. She brutally abused me. Fortunately, she died, but she never once apologized to me. She never honoured my boundaries. She erased my identity. Ironically, she always told me she hated me, but she hated and rejected the person she forced me to become (NOT the true person I am that was buried deep down inside of me). After she died, it took me 10 years to figure out my own true identity. My mother never validated or approved me once. I never had a support group. My mother successfully convinced others that I was the problem thus also destroying my reputation. When I finally stopped jumping through “all her hoops”, my life improved despite the guilt she dumped on me. I was over exhausted taking care of all her needs and ignoring mine. She never allowed me to take care of my own needs and then said she was disgusted with me and blamed me for being so disgusting. She was extremely selfish. I grieve never having a mother who loved me. Due to my mother being so cruel and horrible, she caused me to even hate the word “mother”. The best day of my life was when my mother died. That was when I finally had the guilt-free freedom to discover who I truly am, actually take care of my needs for the first time in my life, and slowly work on my own healing and becoming the best version of myself. I am still a work in progress. The best advice I could give to teenage children of narcissistic parents is to begin working part-time, save ALL your money, and move 300 miles away (escape) from your narcissistic parents the moment you become 18 years old. Before moving out, secretly learn everything you can about how to take care of yourself and how to live independently. Put all your plans into place and then move out. Then go no contact with your parents. You do not owe them anything. Then figure out who you are and live your best life. This is what I wish I would have done.
Me too. Because I was so well trained to believe I could not survive, or raise my children without her help, she lived with me until I was 40. She lived with me. My house, my paycheck, 3 husbands, 2 children. Many jobs, many relationships, not getting to parent my children as I was not allowed boundaries. I was not even allowed to cook or clean. Now I am 66. My mother died 8 years ago. I still don't know who I am. I did realize my grief was knowing I would never know the unconditional love of a mom. Still trying to get on with life but it's so hard. Some days I am so tired I can't.
Best advice EVER!! ❤❤
You should be proud of yourself for surviving.
I have too ❤
@@looneybleu3688 Hugs. You have my compassion. I understand your pain and suffering. It takes time to figure out your true identity, but it is doable. I took a lot of personality tests online several times, because I struggled with doubt and the brainwashing from my mother. Just google personality tests. Eventually, I understood what I truly resonated with and what I did not. I also used trial and error method to figure out if I genuinely liked/loved something or not. It took me time to distinguish between what my mother brainwashed me to like/love and what I genuinely liked/loved. Even when I interact with people, I ask myself if I am comfortable saying or doing something. I had to learn to establish boundaries with people. It felt very awkward at first, but I learned over time. What is painful is knowing I should have figured this stuff out when I was growing up and not so late in life as an adult. Please do not give up. Rest when needed - but definitely take care of all your needs - and then continue after you are rested. I understand. People who have parents who love them unconditionally won the lottery when it comes to parents. It is important that you love your true self. You have always mattered and you were always loveable regardless what your mother said or did. Just know that is the truth.
@@pamelaclark6694 Thank you. Hindsight after life experience provides the best wisdom. I am so happy and proud of you for surviving also. I hope you always love yourself and take care of your needs.
@ thank u I’m trying!
Changing and growing requires humility and honesty which narcissists are INCAPABLE of
My mother died 7 months ago of cancer and not even in the end she was willing to admit all the nightmare she put me through
There's no point in waiting for them to ever self inquire They simply don't wanna go there, that shows their self loathing
Kati, I’m 67 years young. I had a narcissistic mom and then gained a narcissistic mother-in-law. What a long, complicated journey this has been. This is such a wonderful video, and so helpful to remind us to keep celebrating our growth! I am now a grandma, with grandkids who love me deeply. I also have a wonderful relationship with the best daughters-in-law ever. Breaking the cycle is so freeing! Your videos are priceless…thank you!
And when you hang up the phone on your verbally abusive mother….and 10 minutes later you have to make a call….you pick the handset up, only to hear your mother still yelling down the phone at you. She didn’t realise you had hung up on her.
Kati. I was adopted by a narcassitic woman. I have gone through each and everyone of these and am healed. She's 98 now and afraid to die. The entire family is ready for her to go. She's an emotional vampire.
What a sad way to go. Some people are just bitter and awful to the very end
@@crazyXninjaXfishy Or just evil.
At 98, you need to be the bigger person.
@thereisnosanctuary6184 no truer words spoken
@@annking8633
I mean to her.
She is almost done.
Thank you for this. I am an only child. Mother died 8 years ago. I am still healing. This helped more than years of therapy.
Thank you so much for this video from the bottom of my heart. ❤
My mom is a narcissist, which I have only discovered recently. I am on my path of healing.
My dad has always been a loner, I guess due to his childhood emotional neglect/trauma and also due to his some mental illnesses. Unconsciously, I have also become a loner, and I find it very hard to communicate to someone on a deeper level, make friends, and maintain them. Hoping you could make a video regarding this topic. Thanks!
Thanks!
1 Narcissists cannot change. Ever.
2 Get away from the narcissist, cease communicating with them entirely, change your number. Total no contact is the only effective boundary.
3 Forget about the opinons of the narcissist
4 Stop thinking about the narcissist, direct your attention elsewhere, do not seek any relationship with the narcissist, they must become a stranger to you.
6 Stop thinking about the narcissist
8 Stop seeing the narcissist, forget about your experience of the narcissist, the narcissist is fake, always has been, always will be.
Everything else is ok
💔sad but true no matter how hard you try they won't change❤
This is probably going to sound horrible, but I am glad I started this journey after my mom died. It has been hard enough. I can’t imagine the added pressure of still having to deal with her in person. You folks that are still having to deal with a live narc mother are f’ing warriors!
Thanks ❤
Even though I cut out my mother and other family members who were like her over 3 years ago and have been on a long deep healing journey where I have had to teach myself all of these steps, I needed to hear this. I am greatful that others get to hear this and wont have to struggle to learn it by themselves like I did. Some of these steps are hard and there are scars that will never completely go away, but thats okay, take those lessons with you and become stronger for it. Treat your kids and other people the way you wish you mother had treated you and never forget you are more than her trauma.
I have completely cut off my relationship with my mom bc it was not healthy and I knew she wasn’t going to change. Just pure evil. I’ve been reading the book “Boundaries” and it’s been SUPER healing and helpful, and even offers Biblical advice on staying away from those who cause harm, which was super helpful to me as a Christian. Some parents will use their children’s faith against them, and that’s how my mother used to do me, so I felt it was my duty to keep a relationship with her, but biblically that is inaccurate. God has showed me that it’s not okay to let others harm me. So instead of feeling guilty for setting firm boundaries and staying away from harm, I’m being obedient to God and staying FAR away from abuse. I feel so free. It’s difficult to break away from brainwashing but my church family has been supportive and doesn’t hit me with “but that’s your mother bla bla”, instead they reassure me that I’m on the right path. And Im grateful for that. Thank you SO much for the helpful information you share here Katie, I’ve always love you and your channel. Xo❤
My mom is a narcissist. It was hard for me to accept that and admit it. I appreciate your channel, it has helped a lot.
Thank you, Katie. Everything you say is so clear to me. Your suggestions are tangible and practical and effective. Thank you for being here.
I have just lost my mother to cancer, during her last years she started to change, slowly growing away from her narcissistic self, but not quite getting there before the end. I was so excited, hoping I'd finally have the mom I always wished for, but it never happened. My husband not 2 years prior, went through a similar thing. Knowing what I know now, I wish I was a better support for him. Losing a mother, and everything we wished for in that relationship is something I feel like no one can truly understand and empathize with unless they go through it themselves. Having someone around who knows what you're going through and can relate to the intense feelings of shame and guilt is something I would have gone crazy without. Though a lot of your video cant be used any longer for us (boundaries and stuff), the ones that still applied helped a lot. I always look forward to watching your videos with my husband as we find ways to heal from our shitty pasts together
Kati , bless you. You are addressing some dark stuff. I had a spiritual awakening a little year ago. Never felt love like that before. Good luck. Keep up the effort.
The other day, a thought i had and feeling that i so deeply miss my mother, the one i thought and needed to have, came and it felt so overwhelming. It was such a deep longing and deep hurt and sadness where the emptiness is i really miss the relationship and connection that was not there. And when i heard you saying it out loud in my own exact words felt so validating and it made me feel less out of place. Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart
Thanks! I appreciate this video and I watched hundreds probably. The grace in which you explain is relatable bc I’m quite the softy but enough has become ENOUGH! She’s older and sickly now and there was a lot of guilt in deciding to cut her off plus a lot of my family don’t support me bc they don’t see that side of her. Thank you again for confirmation 💔
I’ve got a functional neurological disorder with my mum and going no contact doesn’t stop my mum,but I continue to try and heal and protect my own family and live life
Thank you for this video Katie. I really need to find someone like you that I can see about this in person regularly. Have a great day 😊
Great video Kati ❤. I'm saving this one to watch over and over as I'm going to have to come back to this as I progress.
Encouragement comes from such strange places! I feel like I'm slogging through the mud right now and struggling to make any progress, but a health practitioner who saw me a month ago (totally unrelated to mental health) congratulated me a few days ago for maintaining my boundaries and making a little progress every day even while dealing with all the other health stuff. She said I looked already like there's been some benefit to my health from going no contact and that it was me and my hard work that did that. I cried afterwards from gratitude and feel like I have some hope restored that the slog is starting to pay off and that it's only up from here. Much love ❤
First step i took is accepting her, she had a rough childhood. I read this book called Adult Children Of Immature Parents, helped me a lot. This might sounds odd but it worked with me, I started asking her why when she says something that makes me feel off and i try and see her intentions because i realized that most of her answers were fear for her own reputation or just her opinion. About the idealized mother thing, i like to be her. I'm not a mom but i like to treat my inner-child like my actual child. i talk softly to her, when she's scared i try to figure out why...etc. Now i feel that i have a sense of control and i can hear my own voice. it comes in waves but I'm way better than i was. Now mom is genuinely surprised every time i set boundaries and talk to her like an adult. I know moms see their kids as their babies even when they're old. It doesn't stop the fact that I'm an adult. Still on self discovery journey!
Katie, I haven't commented in a while but THIS topic is sadly, my jam. Thank you for this one! BTW, you look great!
A support group would be nice, as I am visiting my parents and grandparents and my narcissistic mother is behaving horribly. I live over 3000 miles away on purpose. My dad is her only flying monkey but she ruins my reputation among my former neighbors and relatives. She fits all the NPD symptoms though her grandiosity manifests as a martyr complex, she makes everything about herself by always being the victim. It’s weird how she lies compulsively even about trivial things. My family are not very well educated about personality disorders, but most of us have learned to distance ourselves because she is so anxious and manipulative it makes us physically ill. She behaves completely differently when around a neighbor or someone not in the family. It took me 32 years to fully escape from her toxicity, which included perpetuating my depression and constantly telling me that no one would ever want to be close to me because I disappointed her. I could only disappoint her no matter what. I should not have come here because she overreacts to my emotional boundaries and is going off the rails again. I truly wish people like her did not exist. Not having the benefit of a true mother is heartbreaking, but at least she couldn’t break me.
Thank you Dr!! Insightful and relevant . Hope you are well today!
Thanks Kati. You made a difference for me throughout my life❤
My mom hurt me recently I try to be a good daughter but my narcissistic sister is ruining our relationship I’m worried that she is favoring my narcissistic sister over me and I felt betrayed I blocked them so they don’t be calling me I use to feel guilty but now I’m realizing they really don’t care about me. It’s helpful finding these videos thank you so much!
This is really wonderful, Kati. Thank you so much for these gentle, yet powerful suggestions. I find them not only helpful for someone who has had to heal and become stronger from a narcissistic parent, but from anyone of any significance in our lives.
Hi Kati, your voice is very soothing. And of course your content is spot on. I'm going through a tough time emotionally right now. I find myself feeling calmer when I play your videos in the background as I work. As a daughter of a difficult mom (don't wanna label her as NPD but she shows a lot of signs), I still struggle with the consequences of being raised by a woman like that.
The Reddit comment about grieving that part of her mom that isn’t a narcissist resonated with me! Though narcs are narcs no matter what, underneath all the manipulation and fantasy of her she created, I really did feel like my stepmom was my rock… I grieve that relationship potential, what could have and should have been.
I love the song ‘I Wonder’ by Kellie Pickler feels like she’s singing about grieving the relationship with a narcissistic mother
Something that gave my brother and I the strengh to stop our mother from hurting the family, was the birth of his child. He's always been protective of me, but now we have the need to protect this baby and make sure their childhood is healthy. I guess we're finally cuting the toxic cycle! And our partners are really suportive, I'm glad my SIL is a great mom, and my boyfriend will be a great dad someday 🥰
💯 % spot on, Kati! Excellent video!! Ty for all you do
Fantastic video My five-year relationship ended a month ago. The decision to part ways with the love of my life is something that truly consumes me. Though it's all in vain, I've tried everything to get him back, and I can't fathom my life with anyone else. Even though I've made every effort to quit thinking about him, I can't help but miss him and can't stop thinking about him. Why I am stating this here is beyond me.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
12:49 Yes! They will bully you with that nonstop til you're too tired to care about anything
Great video Kati. Thank you 🙏🙏🙏
my mother would turn into the victim as soon I questioned her behaviour. she would deny, lie, deny some more and the finally was tears and * you have a roof over your head, clothes on your back and food on the table. She would sulk the entire day. Because she refused to acknowledge or take accountability as a parent......and the tears, she tried to manipulate the situation
Y mom and aunt pulled that shit on me and others too I’m sorry u went through this too
Thank you for this video, Dr. Katie, so helpful to me.
I’ve said and done terrible things to my mom and I feel bad for that but at the same time she said and done terrible things to me and it feels like she isn’t sorry and doesn’t care and me and her just went through so much crap to the point I don’t feel like opening up to anymore and I have her and others blocked because I don’t want to be around that energy even if it’s over phone don’t get me wrong I still love her lots and miss her sometimes just the other bad stuff isn’t worth being around. Sometimes I wonder if it’s all my fault but I’m trying my best to move and this video helped me a lot realizing a lot of things and feel comforted hearing other’s experiences
Katie, I simply just loved this video. I have followed your videos for over a year now, and I love your perspective and passion for helping us all out here suffering. This video so validated my experience of what I have been doing and what I still must do. Thank you for being such a great voice out there. I would love to know your thoughts on how this plays out differently in men and women and in the romantic relationships they have after being abused by such and having the tendencies to also relate in such ways. And when its from the father instead of the mother. Though mine was from my mom, The community I am now in some have from their dad, and I wonder. By the way, you've been such an inspiration, it inspires me to press on as I go back for my master's in psychology.
Grateful for this video because I had a narcissistic mother. I'm in my late 20s, going to college in the US (from another country) and mum still uses me as a weapon in her broken marriage. Given how turbulent and emotionally abusive my family is, I don't want to go home. Mum is constantly trying to get me to go home and when she called 5 months ago, she yelled at me over the phone, scolding me about how I've 'abandoned' this family. I'm trying to cut ties but my biggest issue is money and that's also what she uses against me. She'll threaten and say that she'll stop giving me money/paying for my tuition if I don't go home. I'm also worried that she'll interfere in my life (she's always trying to interfere and gain control)... she always thinks I need her help and when I don't allow her to help or interfere, she calls me stubborn and says that I push her away... I really don't know what to do anymore, its so annoying having such a mother and I really want to be financially independent, stay away from my toxic family and cut ties with them.
It took me until I was 33 to break free of my mother. I worry that I will be forever broken by her but I chose myself and will continue to do so.
I guess having a narcissist mom causes a sort of emotional neglect.
I am currently reading the book - Running on empty, which is on emotional neglect.
Emotional neglect is happens from not that what happened, but that what didn't happen. That is, what was not told by our parents, what was not shown from them, and what was not felt from them. I related to this when Kati mentioned point 8.
I did not know my mom was a narc until I ended an 18 year relationship with a Narc man, and began the research. This set me free, knowledge is power.
She never changed, became a true snarling monster near the end, as I withdrew, pulled away a lot. She still was able to get at me with shame, guilt for not being a "good daughter". This spirit clung to me after she past for 1 year, prodding me to take all the blame, so this energy form could be released, move on. I thought it was her Spirit, now I am more sure it was a Narc entity, which had embodied her, become her most of the time, so I was battling with a Narc demon.
It never accepted zero responsibility, could never acknowledge her actions on me. She owned nothing, she/it had no warmth, no empathy, it was a terrible tormenting spirit, there to torture me, so it never grew up, reflected, evade shame!
She never changed, evolved into a human!
I hear stories of sons caring for their elderly loving parents, almost feel shame, then I hear they get the house for the care work! We all need something in return, Narc love traumered, and destroy, they can not give genuinely.
Thank you
please do a video about a sister who has this disorder.
My mother (78) is narcissistic and I live with her because she is physically disabled person so NOW I know the meaning of this phrase: Narcissism = Death By A Thousand Cuts - in practice... Sad But True
The roots of the actions of an extreme narcissist is selfishness. My mom is very high on the scale of narcissists and she doesn’t easily respect boundaries.
Mine has Alzheimers and has just moved to a care home after I was the main caregiver for 2-3 years with NO help! Currently clearing out her flat and now getting pressure to "forgive and forget" from other toxic relatives. Still feel trapped and she was never ever sorry for the abuse inflicted.
Add an avoidant dad for a double whammy of bad upbringing.
I've known my mother to be a narcissist since I was very young. She physically and mentally abused me daily. I believe when I was younger she was poisoning me as I was in and out of the hospital trying to "figure" out what was wrong with me. After my sister dove into a pool, hit her head, and sadly developed uncontrollable epilepsy she had "sympathy" from others for my sister's illness and I magically never had another stomach ache or bad urine/blood test. She stole my identity taking out credit cards in my name while I was in college, took my trip to Europe with my marching band when I couldn't afford the last payment, etc... not to mention all he physical beatings, constant berating, etc... When I had kids and she started in on them I started only meeting in public and then cut her off. I've worked hard with a therapist for a long time (multiple therapists over time). While I and my family are better off for not having her in my life I still feel 100% rejected and it makes me fear I'll lose my husband and kids' love as well one day. Once my mother realized I meant it and I wouldn't play her games and give in to her pity tantrums she hasn't once tried to contact me or my girls in 9 years beyond a standard Christmas card she sends to everyone. She plays the victim to the entire family and I've lost all relationships on my mom's side of the family. Thankfully, my in-laws are great and my cousins my Dad's side see through her. I can't seem to get past her not even trying to reach out to her granddaughters. Both have graduated from High School and one from college and not a peep. We just don't exist anymore. That I believe is why I have so much trouble believing that the relationships that are good might disappear as well. If she can do it and never once try to mend the relationship (I tried several times with no follow through from her over the past 10 years) they could to... Thankfully, my girls know I will always be there for them and if they broke off contact I would continue to attempt reconciliation on their terms for the remainder of my life.
Look into internal boundaries
It’s like you made this just for me..
thank you
Added to Favorites
great video
It's hard enough for us to willingly change our dietary or fitness or finance goals or whatever growth we want to commit to. Narcissists need chaos because they get bored. That's very contrary to your goals. They're not about the long haul. They don't want it. You can't naively project your view onto them.
Best way is to leave them behind. All considered it is.
Not my mother but my father for sure. Best solution was to just never talk to him again.
I did ALL of that but in all heartfelt honesty: I´m still broken!
5y no contact, and I mean NO contact at all. I´ve just seen her once walking as I drove by. NO contact. Not a single word. But guess what: Every damn time I think that I am ready to open up to a friendship of some sort, guess what: Repetition Compulsion leads me straight to the next pathological narcissistic person. And I am left wondering, if there even is a single person in my proximity who is not narcissistic. It feels like a goddamn curse :( And i start to really despise people.
Edit: I know about my own narcissistic tendencies but they are not based on devaluing other people, they are more focused on getting validation for example through active listening and showing interest in other people all while setting clear boundaries for myself, not to manipulate others.
I love the mom I got and have 😊
Only way is to go permanently no contact.
My narc mom turned my adult kids against me by telling them lies about me behind my back. My kids have now gone no contact with me and refuse to listen to anything I say to defend myself. 🤷♀️
I’ve gone no contact with my mom and kids due to the extreme pain and verbal assaults
Kati do you still make videos answering people's specific questions from the comments? If so, where should I ask those questions?
Im currently packing to move out of my house and its finally hitting my mom that id rather pay to live somewhere else than live with her for free. Its almost funny to see her true colors this last week. All the little passive aggressive comments and things she whispers to my family is her way of trying to get me to stay apparently. I just wish she never had kids if she didnt want them to grow up.
Yes! Also beware that when you set boundaries, they can start an exclusion treatment or silent treatment, and this is used to make you feel guilty or to lure you back in and break your own boundaries cuz they want to say, see! It's you! My mom would start cooking foods she knew I loved while she was playing the silent treatment game and then when I felt guilty and apologized for what she actually did to me, then while I would be eating with her happily, she would say something so cold/hurtful that it would ruin the whole dinner as I was eating it! 😨🔥😈🔥
I'm Literally depend on him that's why he does it Even to the point the police has been literally called serval times
My heart is broken for my Daughter😢😢😢
I ain't sure if she is narcissistic or maybe I just react too much. These days I have been aggressive & I feel bad about my behaviour.
Avoiding most people is not a bad idea.
It's not a great one, either. I have been doing it now for 8 years. I am lonely.
@@looneybleu3688I’m sorry about that
@@TianaBarker thank you. I have 2 beagles to keep me busy!
I have recently started setting firm boundaries and limiting contact with my narcissistic parents. And it's been really hard and lonely journey. I am not able to afford therapy currently. I was searching online support groups but was unsuccessful. Can somebody please suggest me a few online support groups suitable for me?
Btw I'm still struggling to be happy after going low contact with my parents. I have a harsh inner critic that sounds exactly like my mom. I hate her, and now I hate myself too. I'm at a loss. Have no idea how to heal properly. How do I even do stuff like "heal your inner child" when you were brought up in an environment filled with hate and negativity?
It's quite helpful being that self rightening doll, in Illness.
This was an awesome video Kati!
But what do you do when your mom doesn't seem to fit into a typical box?
My mom looks good on paper to outsiders, but was extremely verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive to me at home. Throw some physical in for good measure as well.
Other adults would never believe it because of the front my mother put on for others, including teachers. And it's also hard for me to reconcile because I know my mother had a hard life growing up with my grandparents and was just trying her best. I also know I was an extremely hard baby and child (her words were I was attached to her tit and wouldn't leave her alone, yet she also told me I never crawled and I was walking on my own by the age of 9 months).
Growing up, I saw the difficulty my mother had with my older sister (9 years older) so I did my best to make her life easier by trying to do everything perfectly and let her vent to me about everything. I was responsible for her emotional well-being by the time I was 5. Yet, it wasn't good enough and I was also the scape goat for anything that went wrong. I also became the adult to break up fights between her and my step father when he came into the picture and the therapist to them both to try to smooth things over and listen to their issues with each other. Nothing was ever good enough. And it would always be my fault.
But she venomously denies all of this, even though it happens still to this day. She says I am making it all up and that I'm just a lying little bitch who is just an attention seeking whore. Things were never that bad and she never did any of that.
And adults would never believe me because she would put on a front that fooled them and I was just too intimidated to tell them everything. I was too afraid of what would happen if I went into foster care than to leave the house if I told everything. (I am absolutely petrified of men because of sexual abuse that happened separately that no one knew about. No, not my step father. I love him immensely because he was there for me when my own dad wasn't. ).
My mother, too. My father died when I was 11. My mother's mom treated her the same way. She looked perfect on paper but 1 person saw through it. My great aunt Eileen. I have been thinking a lot about her lately. I think she was the only one my mother feared. I adored her!
I believe you ❤ From what you've written about the way she treated you, it sounds like your mother may have been high in trait narcisism (if not actual NPD- which none of us can diagnose. Only a psychiatric expert could do that & only if our mother/parent was willing to look at themselves)
We don't need to fit them in a 'box' or discover what their issues are to heal ourselves.
We were abused and/or neglected. Unloved & uncared for in a 'good enough' way by the very people who were supposed to do that. We were parentified and/or scapegoated.
Whatever the 'reasons' behind their poor/ neglectful/ abusive behaviour, we can only heal & recover ourselves.
We always deserved to be treated with love, respect & dignity and we can do that for ourselves now ❤
Can apply to anybody but good advice
My mother is a narcissist, and has been holding my dogs hostage since January 31st. My dogs that I raised from birth, also known as my children. I am going to start a couple websites exposing her antics to any potential future victims or, you know, any potential employers who might decide to search her name. A complete list of all of the evils I can remember will be on there, including the time she took away my house key at age 17 and threatened to have me raped by homeless people and banished me from the house whenever she wasn't there (I had to go to the library after school every day and wait hours for her). Main goal is to encourage her to do the smart thing for once in her life. Luckily she won't be able to take down a website hosted in Iceland with her false accusations of slander.
I’ve given up on her approval but I do still wish she was supportive and nice to me but she isn’t so I’ve just gone no contact with her
You know what makes me mad people sit there and complain about how how bad their mother and what their mother did over and over again about it but then they don't understand they don't know what what the hell all the hell that I had to go through and all the pain and all the suffering when you have brain damage for the rest of your life then you know what the hell is and what pain and suffering is it's really ridiculous
My narc mother, lives half a country away, never apologizes even after she slices and dices me via text. Then she goes silent, then she thinks communication is sending me cute memes telling me how much she loves me. So twisted.
I must smoke one pound and a half of high grade marijuana per year and it helps a little to endure 2-4 visits per day, 3-7 texts per day, and 2-5 phone calls per day from mom. Forty years anticipating another twenty years before I allowed to make my own breakfast at a time when I decided except mom bring me the same exact breakfast that I feed to my dogs or chickens between 11:40am - 2:30pm eat the breakfast. If I say I'm fasting for the day she'll bring over a three course meal. The thing is I get constipated from eating steam-fried eggs with exceessive Montreal Steak seasoning which expired in 2017,and I side of corn tortillas and I don't eat corn. Essentially I raise chickens and give her eggs my preferred way to eat an egg is to find a clean warm fresh laid egg Crack it open and drink it down while the vital energy is contained within the egg and recieve 100% nourishment without having to throw away a plastic foam carryout box that mom brings over everyday and it's a shame to be throwing foam into the garbage as a daily routine, since I have not asker for breakfast but it proves she loves me because she is showing everyone that sees what she does for me. She likes for me to stand at her car window so she can stroke my face in front of the neighbors while we talk for however much time until she doesn't like the conv then starts her engine without warning and blows dust up at my face as she rolls up her window and drives away only to return in approximately two hours. Try to take a nap she let's her self in and wakes me up to see it I'm ok. Can't have a guest over and have privacy because she let's herself in if I don't answer the phone you known what I mean.
#1 was told to my sister by a Bishop at her church. He said, shes been like this her entire life. It would be unlikely she would change.
#2, sometimes you have to stay away from them. I hung up on my "mother" SEVERAL times. It felt goooood 😂😂😂. Kicked her out of my house once for trying to smoke inside. I have asthma, and was 8 months pregnant. She gossiped to the family that I picked up a chair and tried to hit her. Sure, Im fighting at 8 months pregnant. THAT was a bald-faced lie. I straight up showed her the door.
#3, Thats when I realized I wasnt crazy. I disowned her and her flying monkies. I have since been dxd with high functioning ASD, but its not mental illness. She dxd me herself (typical narc move-they know it all) with bopolar. Nope. Wrong. And thats not your place.
#4, was a HUGE split. I started attending church, and she flipped. She lost that control, and the church taught things she didnt agree with.
I am finally moving out in a couple of days and this will help (after being stuck for almost 10 years). Going slow......very hard......but I will make it..
A background, I am a completely normal working adult. I dont drink, I dont smoke, I dont party, I never go out without telling my parents where I am going and who. I give her money everyone to survive.
Things she said right after I told her that I am moving out:
- for what? there is nothing wrong in this home.
- are you throwing me alone with your sick dad in this big home?
- do you not know that your dad is sick and what if he dies suddenly?
- you aren't suppose to move out until you get married
- are you gonna go live outside like a whore? Bringing different boys home?
and more and more and more...everything from 10 years ago to now...
How do you heal from a previously narcissistic mother whose personality changed due to Alzheimer's?
How do you repair your self image if your narcissistic mother treats you like a child, to the point where you never felt you were an adult. Almost like you never grew up mentally. You almost think you can't survive without them.
If you get an answer, please share. Thank you.
I feel like time and experiences are how you grow from that. I felt like I wasn't a "real adult" until my 30s because of this. It's still difficult sometimes. I wish you luck in your healing.
WHAT ABOUT NARCISSTIC FATHER
I hope she does a video about that too
I honestly don’t know what progress or growth looks like or is in therapy?
I so appreciate you Katie 😊
I don’t want to be like my mom at all I don’t even talk to her but I still don’t want to be like her