summary: 1. You're empathetic 2. You want to be liked 3. Difficulty saying no 4. Overlooking red flags 5. Struggles with low self-esteem 6. You avoid conflict 7. You are too trusting
Some of the worst people I've known have been the most well-liked because they're so charming and charismatic. Their victims often end up alone because they were so badly broken by them, and the wider social circle tends to side with the charming one rather than the "difficult", broken one. I wish it was as simple as looking at how many friends someone has to determine whether they're trustworthy.
Well written and can relate. I'm a good person and have done the same as you then I suddenly see the abuse and manipulation because it's gotten to a level where it's blatant abuse and I fight back and leave. I don't have many friends because of this cycle not because people have to be cautious around me.
I didn't realize that allowing certain people in my life would mean others would ostracize me. I didn't know what was toxic and what wasn't, but I had a giant heart. I could love someone, where no one else could. That makes you feel special. I was never taught red flags for dating, because my mom is sort of a Chinese parade. My dad was quiet. I picked up his traits. It is important to protect ourselves. He died at 56. I have noticed more recently that I am able to more quickly pick up when someone is not able to handle another person being "not okay," or experiencing negative feelings. When a person makes feelings "bad" or "wrong," at some point there is going to be a disconnection and there will not be any sense of reconciliation for the emotional wounds they dished out. I am a very forgiving person; I had to learn to take note when a person never bothered to apologize; when they assumed. The repetition compulsion is so agonizing. We are lucky if we get out of the hamster wheel without half a century of pain added up. Being strict with yourself is worth it; but a lack of self love will convince you it isn't.
Came here to say it, my circle is small because people turned out to be manipulative when I moved to a new place, most people I'm still good with live far away for that reason
Because of past trauma and long periods of loneliness, I always had this deep need to belong and feel accepted, hence I became a people pleaser to where I would adapt myself to what others expect of me and conform to their expectations hoping that by always being on their good side, I would finally find the connection I’ve been missing. It’s like I’ve been reshaping myself just to fit in, losing sight of my own needs and boundaries, which ultimately made me vulnerable enough to be easily manipulated.
@@Name-bn3voThe First of Samuel 16 Jehovah eventually said to Samuel: “How long will you mourn for Saul+ now that I have rejected him from ruling as king over Israel?+ Fill your horn with oil+ and go. I will send you to Jesʹse+ the Bethʹle·hem·ite, because I have selected from among his sons a king for myself.”+ 2
Excellent video, but I have two things to add. Number one, unfortunately, when you stop being a pushover, Things can actually get much worse. The people who have been exploiting you are not just going to accept that you are no longer exploitable. Prepare for it. I wish that it was as easy as telling bullies and manipulators that their crap isn't going to work anymore, and then they go away. It doesn't work that way. Prepare for retaliation, smear campaigns, and losing that relationship. Prepare, and do it anyway. It's worth it. Number two. A person having red flags is not a guarantee of them being untrustworthy or unhealthy. It's an indicator, and definitely pay attention, but don't automatically assume that red flags equal what you think they do. I have no friends right now. That's because the friends that I did have were untrustworthy, and I cut ties with THEM. I grew up around unhealthy narcissistic people, which led me to become very charming in self-defense. Some people are now quite nervous around friendly, charming people because they think they are automatically con artists. I'm not saying don't be on alert, I'm just saying that it's not as cut and dry as just avoid everyone with red flags. The unhealthiest most dangerous people have learned to hide them the best.
Growing up, i had a nickname. It stayed with me til into my 40's. It wasn't even insulting, as nicknames go. But i simply prefer my REAL name, so, well into Adulthood, I told my family i dont wanna be called my nickname, anymore. They complied, but things got icier since then, and ever since i did *that*, i've often felt like any other time i stand up for myself, I am written-off as "bitching too much" when i am within my assertive rights.
@@dabbler1166that is a way to shame someone into silence. Try calling it, but have the phrase well prepared. I highly recommend Terri Cole on RUclips for her boundary scripts, she gives examples of what to say so that it is kind but firm. I was SO relieved when I found her. 😂 She has a book, too, that is excellent. I have an aunt that recently left a toxic relationship. Her daughter was staying at my place for a few weeks. During a visit, while trying to convince her adult daughter to do something she didn't want to do, she called from the kitchen to the guestroom, "you don't want to be known as a little whiner, do you?" I was sitting at the dining room table eating, but when she said that I stopped and stared at her, and tried to keep my face neutral but I doubt I did a good job. 😅 She looked up from what she was doing, made eye contact, and then laughed nervously, as if to brush it off as a joke. Her daughter/my cousin has pretty much constant panic attacks and just got out of HS. It looks like she's too afraid to make a run for it; I worry that my cousin believes the false narrative. My Aunt is the youngest of 8 and looks up to my mother. My mother is intimidating; I used to consider her the epitome of put together. Her priority has always been the white picket fence image, over actual connection with family.
This has been exactly my experience. Crazy worse. So called family. Had to cut ties. I'm doing EMDR which is helping but to blatantly see the manipulation from certain narcissistic people has been shocking, and just how conniving they are. Found myself right in the middle of more than 1 triangulation and they all interact with each other. Also repeating lies about me to other people trying to bait them in. I've recently learned of one who sees it all too. That's been so validating. I described it as feeling like a carcus in a field and they all vulchers. During the height of it all I thought I was having a stroke. Caught them in lies and rather than fess up my character was attacked and guilt attempts projected onto me. I'm a respectful, honest person. Lies will destroy relationships. If people will lie over the little things, they will most definitely lie over bigger things. I despise lying.
Is this why I am charming. Why strangers like me. Why they're nicer than my family is to me. I figured out the scapegoat role when I got into an office and figured out that I am competent.
Kati, I agree on almost everything in this video advice, with one huge exception - ppl who don't have very close friends are not necessarily bad or manipulative or untrustworthy people. I think that holding on to friendships that are not serving, not kind is wrong and promotes further damage. So a lot of people I know are currently in this transition dumping old relationships that no longer conducive of good growth or even down right mean. It takes courage to sever these and when you say, oh be vigilant about people who are loners at the moment because this may be the sign that they are not good people is just wrong in my opinion
Oof...as someone w severe social (and general) anxiety hearing not having many friends is seen as a red flag reinforces my distance from others. Im terrified ppl think im a bad person... not worth bothering to interacting if my isolation (from severe depression) reinforces their distrust. Too much to keep up with....thus Safer to be alone 😔
I’m so sorry to hear that. To be fair though, she said it’s not that everyone with few friends is bad, it’s just a good idea to take things slow with new friends, and that’s good advice in all cases. I don’t have a lot of friends because I moved to a new city a few years ago and I have physical limitations that make it hard to get around much, so I’m isolated for the most part. I don’t hurt or manipulate people, but my circumstances caused my isolation. There are many reasons why people may not have lots of friends.
After a very traumatic childhood, I’m always making excuses for other people’s manipulative behavior under the premise that I have no idea what’s making them that way. Maybe they have a reason ya know? But I now recognize that even if they did have a reason, it doesn’t mean I should allow them to manipulate me. I am working on it. Thanks for bringing this to my attention Kati. You rock! ~ a long time Kinion.
My mom taught us to be kind and accomodating if we could - to live with your society as a whole. I didnt realize how badly this would screw me as an adult living in a capiatlistic/narcissit driven culture. I do not generally have low self esteem - at least I didnt until a thousand incidences of being taken advantage of. Now I tend to be quieter. Just go about my day and hope to go home in one piece.
Great video. I'm an introvert and I have ASD (autism). It was always very difficult for me to express my feelings, set boundaires and to say 'no'. I was pleasing others and I wasn't authentic. Because I was afraid for conflicts etc. I lost many friendships. Nowadays I try to be honest en authentic. But it is still difficult.
These things aren't your fault there are no excuses for manipulators/narcissistic people. These things just make you easier to be manipulated or targeted by these people. You aren't broken you were just unaware. 1. You are empathetic 2. You want to be liked (people pleaser) 3. Difficulty saying NO 4. Overlooking red flags 5. Low self esteem 6. Avoiding conflict with others 7. Your are TOO TRUSTING!!!
If you aren't easy to manipulate and you know how to set boundaries, people tend to be very hostile toward you.I have had first hand experience. It is a choice between you walking away with deep scars or you being walked all over.
As somebody that has been through some narc relationships and has finally decided to isolate from the world, the last conclusion hurts a little to listen to. It might be true in some cases that people with no friends might be bad people but I don't think it's always the case. Putting trust in others again after such experiences is just asking for too much. Especially if you had most of the qualities you mentioned in this list. It feels like the world uses your best qualities against yourself for seemingly no reason at all, just for the enjoyment of causing harm.
I always wanted to be accepted, important to my friends, actually HAVE friends but thanks to my hard childhood and always being tossed to the side, I'm never important enough for anyone to even listen to me. I just have to accept that I'm going to be alone forever. I don't trust anyone anymore because I've been burned too many times and people are disrespectful and I don't have time for anymore bullshit.
Shit, I feel the same and it's sucks, I'm sorry you were made to feel this way. I hope it gets better, somehow. For you, for me, for everyone who's been burnt too many times.
hey I'm so sorry you feel that way. It makes me so sad that you believe those things about yourself, that people convinced you of that. People are interested in what they like. I think that if people didn't listen to you and made you feel unimportant it's because they had different interests, different opinions than you, not because there was something wrong with you. It seems like you weren't made for each other. I also think that they were really insensitive and immature because no one deserves to be treated the way they treated you. Those episodes sure made you insecure and hurt you in so many ways. you surely developed some behaviours that will hurt you and others. I want to tell you that you can find your people, you can find peace, you can heal. please be gentle with yourself. discover yourself again. make your own opinion of yourself and life. please be your friend because you're the only one that will always be with yourself until the very end. this channel is really useful, I hope you can recover from this trauma and get better
I kinda feel that too, it’s hard to trust someone after a negative experience. But I just remind myself that we heal with secure and healthy relationships.. I think we have to learn how to recognize a safe person and become one too..
A couple things: I’m 4’ 9” and disabled from a cascade of illnesses, including Lyme at the moment. People see being tiny as being vulnerable. Couple that with being ill and workers seeing that I’m not staring at them 24/7. They take that as an opportunity to charge you more, and in my case, saying I need new appliances when I didn’t.
I'm so sorry to hear this, you're so strong💖 I'm 4'11" +my childhood abuse lead to me being very tiny&I struggle with endless things, including people think it's okay to shame us for our size. Nobody should be shamed for their size
@dubsthelegacy empathy isn't a problem at all. It's boundaries. You can show empathy towards someone without putting yourself at risk. Or perhaps you're empathizing with the wrong crowd.
@@thescribe4742 empathy itself isnt the problem, but the statement means something more like “i never knew me showing empathy could be a problem until it was”
@@thescribe4742 like i said, empathy is not the problem. Showing empathy to the wrong people or without boundaries is the issue. I just summed it up with a nice little statement. Youre taking it too literally my friend Edit; just realized i said IS instead of ISNT in my comment, lol sorry
This video really speaks to me. Over the last five or so years I’ve dealt with a number of people who had wanted me to do things for them that I didn’t really want to do or couldn’t do but would regularly give in to their wants due to the fear of not being liked by those same, finding it extremely difficult to say no, and wanting to do my best at avoiding conflict at all costs and they would sense that and use it to their advantage to get what they wanted out of me. I have made improvement in falling into someone’s manipulation tactics, but it will take some more work before I am really comfortable telling someone no
If empathetic then also become a realist. Some problems need worked on...don't listen ad nauseum! If they have no intention of getting help...then you don't have to listen endlessly.
well my therapist is crap. I might just have this channel than keep seeing her. until i find someone else. also I like how you communicate. you’re down to earth. you’re not feeding word salad 🙌🏽
It is impossible for me to be manipulated again. I ceased all interpersonal interactions with humans long ago. All human interactions are kept to a manner that a client would interact with a merchant or service provider. All familiarity with humans was terminated due to the cruelty and opportunistic nature of most humans. I do not need humans in my life.
6:37 OOF Kati you just spoke to my soul. That is so deep you have no idea how accurate that is. Thank you Kati, you're such an angel for your content&I hope you're doing well💛
It took me almost 15 years the last time I ended up in that circumstance, too young (15-16), too naive, and too trusting. Even in your adult life, if you're not careful you can end up close to people you'll regret ever meeting.
Recently I've been remembering and analysing a few things that actually enlightened my mind on why I am like I am(an extremely people-pleaser with low self-esteem, passive and with huge struggles at setting boundaries). It all started when my father SA me when I was 5. I didn't know it was SA at the time and I didn't get to conclude the true nature of the abuse until very recently since all he did was inappropriate touching on me and I was really used to all of this. The fact is that even though I didn't know it was SA I still didn't like it and asked multiple times for him to stop, he didn't stop and once I screamed for him to stop, he used his authority over me to shut me down. That behavior kept for many years and since then I have struggled with setting boundaries with others, which only got worst when my brother started doing the same with me but in a worst way and my mom didn't help as well and she was verbally extremely abusive towards me and time to time she was physically abusive. I guess all of these things made me a people pleaser and with all the traits you mentioned Kati.
I have so much shame around this. The person I trusted the most manipulated and used me. Everyone I dated mistreated me. It's devastating but I'm learning to move on
Thank you for the too trusting point! I’m the opposite and don’t trust anyone, however I am friends with and know kind people who you just cannot tell that someone is a bad person and that they should keep their distance from! I have lost good people because I will not be a part of their rose tinted glasses aspect! People like this are infuriating and yes, it would be nice to see the good in people, but thats not the reality in a world full of sad, hurt people who don’t heal.
I've had to learn to say no to a lot of ppl. I can't be GOD for everybody. I love helping ppl, but I had to learn not to harm myself trying to help others. If I get bad vibes from ppl I back away from them.
I really like how you said that. I do feel that. Something more than bending over backwards for someone. Literally wearing every hat for them and being there for them 24/7. Being their spiritual guidance and Bridge to God. Just everything all the time.
@@LVAngelradio I feel yah. We must say no even if it hurts us to say it. We even have to ignore their tears. It's called tough love. We have to toughen ourselves to say NO!!!
Beaten down, caring, giving leeway to those you know have suffered... they PROVE they don't care when they abuse you to "share" with their abusive pack of wolves.
It feels good saying no. Doesn't mean a lack of empathy. I've evolved into the polar opposite of a people pleaser probably from the exact same stimuli and pressure. It pushes us off the curve, off of the average. We compensate too much one way or the other. I'm quite sure for others there are plenty of scenarios where being a people pleaser feels good too. I also couldn't care less whether someone else likes me or not. Blech. Unless there's a strategic exception (employment et al) I have no expectation of their understanding and no desire to curry their favor.
Sometimes what makes me sad it's when you watch a person that you care so much about being manipulated by another and you know its intentions (because you have watched being done by that person over and over again to multiple ppl and nothing good at the end) and when you try to signal that she's being manipulated she dismisses and think it's jealousy and bad character by your part...dunno, some ppl just like to be manipulated or completely unaware what manipulation looks like.
But new friends test boundaries sometimes because they do not know yours. Do not cut them off the first time they do this, give them a chance and listen to what they have to say?
Yes, and no. I understand what you are saying, but do not let bad behaviour become too "established" early on, either. If you dont nip it in thebud" and cut it off, MUCH earlier than later, THEN they'll say: "Why gripe now? Its "always" been OK before." (Because you already went too long without saying anything, and that can be as short as 1 time over to your place and 2 "lets meet for half-a-sandwich and a cup of soup "dates". Total 3 encounters. Maybe just 2 depending how long they were. See my comments at the top of all these comments...
@@dabbler1166 A person who says why gripe now is not taking responsibility for their part in the interaction. They are saying they do not care about you or your feelings. They have little interest in your point of view or what happened, so no I would not give that person a second chance. The one who deserves the second chance is willing to listen to what you have to say and acknowledge your feelings etc,
@@caroleminke6116 why shame on you, we all have shame, none of us is perfect. It is the intention behind the actions/ words that matters. Intention sometimes needs time to determine.
Can I get some feedback please? I'm really struggling with the idea of, "I am not a child anymore. I cannot get in trouble" Growing up in an abusive household. The worst part of getting in trouble was being yelled at and talked down to. Now as an adult I see it's very common, for adults to yell and talk down to each other. So I don't feel the statement is true. I very much do feel like, I can get in trouble. I get in trouble with my friend. when I upset or hurt her feelings. I get yelled at and scolded. So is it that the statement is untrue? Or perhaps, I'm normalizing and accepting unhealthy Behavior?
These all ring quite familiar for me, exept the last one I guess. I definitely give the benefit of the doubt, want to believe in the good in people, but I keep a certain vigilence at first. I observe, a lot. I found that watching people act and interact a a silent bystander can tell you a lot about that person. I sometimes get the feeling they just forget you are even there (especially when you seem occupied. I almost allways fir that criterium. Allways doing crosswords, sudoku, yakazu, reading... does not mean I observe at the same time. Or even mostly observe and switch to pretend being distracted. A context where I find myself really methodically doing this is when I am freshly admitted into a psych ward. As soon as I am calm enough to leave my room, or flee it because of a bad roomate (in which case I likely just search for a lonely corner (I can't "work" when I'm too anxious), I "take position" in the "community room". Nicely greeting other patients, but not engaging more yet. Almost like becoming a piece of furniture, a "fly on the wall". I usually can scan the really unsafe persons quickly. Or the "hard to read" ones, which as well require caution. At least I guess I can. But I've not had bad surprises in this for ages. If ever. Sometimes my radar is intact, I have to engage with an unsafe person, but do so in metaphorical full armor. Sorry for digressing) Or this is really just me having to learn so young and so well to "read" people from their body language and demeanor. My mother had BPD and she was utterly unpredictable. So this became almost a survival skill... that - in her in particular - might still fail often enough, but could be quite valuable concerning almost everyone else. Her swings in mood seemed quicker than her body could show them. I also I simply may have gotten better in this ability over the years. Sorry for digressing.
3,4,5,6 & 7 - and in parts 1 and 2 Low self esteem and being absolutely trusting can really hurt a lot. And yes, I would call myself naive in some sense. But I don't agree that having only a few friends is a red flag. In my eyes this is more a sign of a lonely person. Ooops, sounds like me.
Lot's of people disagreeing with this. I have one genuine close friend, and a handful of acquaintances. I lost a group of three friends due to their lack of care or consideration when my Grandad passed away. I reconnected with my old friend and have felt better since.
Wished of I could of been more of an asshole instead having too much empathy because of my empathy has been weaponized against me 😢. Now I just get taken advantage of by people especially family. I don't trust easy anymore used too trust easier til I got betrayed by people I thought I could trust.
Technically speaking, we are manipulated by everything that encapsulates existence. Your body is getting hungry, your stomach may make noise or there might even be a sense of discomfort. Your body manipulates you to eat by making you uncomfortable. That's just one tiny example. Every time you share information with someone else, you are manipulating them. I'm manipulating you right this second! Every single thing you do, every single thing you say, everything you feel, everything you think is all a form of manipulation. You're manipulating the environment around you just by breathing! What's my point? Stop demonizing words, stop putting emotional value in the things you perceive to be threatening. It's really not that far of a concept either. It's fairly simple, really. The more you take, the more you blame. Yet everything still feels the same. The more you hurt, the more you strain.
There are differences, though, between influencing and manipulating, mainly the intent and the overall, long-term effects to the relationship. Your body isn't "manipulating" you to eat because of ill intent. Influence is based on free will and consent. When you're being manipulated, it's not for your benefit, usually quite the opposite. It involves coercion, even if it's subtle, to act against your own will. No one is demonizing a word.
@@LPoper I find it interesting that you chose "influence" to attempt a rebuttal, considering that "influence" is literally part of the description of "manipulate." This is fun! Let's keep going😁
People would rather be abused than be lonely this is not going to change. I'm not being negative it's just the truth. People have to learn how to be alone.
Wow! Everyone of these hit home with me. I thought I was being a good person, but it sounds like people were just using me to get what they want. Is it okay if I watch this with my counselor to talk about it?
Everyone is manipulating everyone all the time. Most manipulation is socially acceptable, even encouraged as normal. It's only when the manipulator is intentional that society has an issue.
Hi Kati Morton i lost trust because i got abuse and lie to and getting use me they get to my bank yes i do want to trust again in women to fall in love but that issue comes knocking on my door how can i over come it.
Is it wrong to be manipulated? From my experience you are missing out on many opportunities, even if they are handed to you by questionable characters.
Today rank one 2017 Neet exam (one of the toughest medical exam in india where 25 lakh students participate for top ranking) suiside because of bad mental health and stress. Cracking Neet exam and JEE exam is the dream of every indian science stream students but because of toxic indian society and education system thousands of students commit suicide every month in india. India is populous but here all are the patients of bad mental health .
I totally believe this! When they decided that the high school I taught at was now “college prep”, and they took away shop, art, etc., and focused on constant testing, the students were so stressed and cried constantly. 🥲
@@Tinyteacher1111 ma'am, he was a bright student in college and he was continuing MD from the best madical college of India. Actually problem is that Indian society is not healthy and all indian politicians are heavily corrupted. Our most of school teacher are mentality disturbed , they always punish us for small mistake like smiling in class.most of Indian can't make healthy relationship because they are too much emotional and there logical thinking is zero.
@@Tinyteacher1111 actually European, American, chinese and japnese student have better mental health than Indian students because indian education system is totally corrupted and here most of parents and teachers mentally unfit.
my parents are trying so HARD to manipulate me into having kids ... yet i REFUSE because this world is so FULL OF PAIN AND SUFFERING only morans have kids!
Teal swan would never manipulate me. Possibly for my time and attention . If Im manipulated im giving it to them so when I attack it's a surprise hit. 5 times Ive test you guys testing me. You guys run the same cycle to which I just entertain. I turn off ths device and that's pamic for you guys. Yawns
How come it's so hard for a narcissist to say I'm sorry or own up to anything that they do wrong why why is it so goddamn hard for them to say it are they going to die from it or they going to it's going to be the end of the goddamn world cuz they know owning up to what they do wrong
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summary:
1. You're empathetic
2. You want to be liked
3. Difficulty saying no
4. Overlooking red flags
5. Struggles with low self-esteem
6. You avoid conflict
7. You are too trusting
Thanks heaps
That unfortunately summaries me since I was a kid
Some of the worst people I've known have been the most well-liked because they're so charming and charismatic. Their victims often end up alone because they were so badly broken by them, and the wider social circle tends to side with the charming one rather than the "difficult", broken one. I wish it was as simple as looking at how many friends someone has to determine whether they're trustworthy.
Very well said.
Well written and can relate.
I'm a good person and have done the same as you then I suddenly see the abuse and manipulation because it's gotten to a level where it's blatant abuse and I fight back and leave.
I don't have many friends because of this cycle not because people have to be cautious around me.
THIS IS SO TRUE. Trauma creates isolation and loneliness and can lead to being ‘difficult’ due to the shame and emotional dysregulation.
I didn't realize that allowing certain people in my life would mean others would ostracize me. I didn't know what was toxic and what wasn't, but I had a giant heart. I could love someone, where no one else could. That makes you feel special. I was never taught red flags for dating, because my mom is sort of a Chinese parade. My dad was quiet. I picked up his traits. It is important to protect ourselves. He died at 56.
I have noticed more recently that I am able to more quickly pick up when someone is not able to handle another person being "not okay," or experiencing negative feelings. When a person makes feelings "bad" or "wrong," at some point there is going to be a disconnection and there will not be any sense of reconciliation for the emotional wounds they dished out. I am a very forgiving person; I had to learn to take note when a person never bothered to apologize; when they assumed.
The repetition compulsion is so agonizing. We are lucky if we get out of the hamster wheel without half a century of pain added up. Being strict with yourself is worth it; but a lack of self love will convince you it isn't.
Came here to say it, my circle is small because people turned out to be manipulative when I moved to a new place, most people I'm still good with live far away for that reason
Because of past trauma and long periods of loneliness, I always had this deep need to belong and feel accepted, hence I became a people pleaser to where I would adapt myself to what others expect of me and conform to their expectations hoping that by always being on their good side, I would finally find the connection I’ve been missing. It’s like I’ve been reshaping myself just to fit in, losing sight of my own needs and boundaries, which ultimately made me vulnerable enough to be easily manipulated.
Exactly the same for me. Just add autism as well😂
I could not have said it better than you did.
This is codependancy
I was left with one parent at the time of my parents illness.
@@Name-bn3voThe First of Samuel
16 Jehovah eventually said to Samuel: “How long will you mourn for Saul+ now that I have rejected him from ruling as king over Israel?+ Fill your horn with oil+ and go. I will send you to Jesʹse+ the Bethʹle·hem·ite, because I have selected from among his sons a king for myself.”+ 2
Excellent video, but I have two things to add.
Number one, unfortunately, when you stop being a pushover, Things can actually get much worse. The people who have been exploiting you are not just going to accept that you are no longer exploitable. Prepare for it. I wish that it was as easy as telling bullies and manipulators that their crap isn't going to work anymore, and then they go away. It doesn't work that way. Prepare for retaliation, smear campaigns, and losing that relationship. Prepare, and do it anyway. It's worth it.
Number two. A person having red flags is not a guarantee of them being untrustworthy or unhealthy. It's an indicator, and definitely pay attention, but don't automatically assume that red flags equal what you think they do. I have no friends right now. That's because the friends that I did have were untrustworthy, and I cut ties with THEM. I grew up around unhealthy narcissistic people, which led me to become very charming in self-defense. Some people are now quite nervous around friendly, charming people because they think they are automatically con artists. I'm not saying don't be on alert, I'm just saying that it's not as cut and dry as just avoid everyone with red flags. The unhealthiest most dangerous people have learned to hide them the best.
Growing up, i had a nickname. It stayed with me til into my 40's. It wasn't even insulting, as nicknames go. But i simply prefer my REAL name, so, well into Adulthood, I told my family i dont wanna be called my nickname, anymore.
They complied, but things got icier since then, and ever since i did *that*, i've often felt like any other time i stand up for myself, I am written-off as "bitching too much" when i am within my assertive rights.
@@dabbler1166that is a way to shame someone into silence. Try calling it, but have the phrase well prepared. I highly recommend Terri Cole on RUclips for her boundary scripts, she gives examples of what to say so that it is kind but firm. I was SO relieved when I found her. 😂 She has a book, too, that is excellent.
I have an aunt that recently left a toxic relationship. Her daughter was staying at my place for a few weeks. During a visit, while trying to convince her adult daughter to do something she didn't want to do, she called from the kitchen to the guestroom, "you don't want to be known as a little whiner, do you?" I was sitting at the dining room table eating, but when she said that I stopped and stared at her, and tried to keep my face neutral but I doubt I did a good job. 😅 She looked up from what she was doing, made eye contact, and then laughed nervously, as if to brush it off as a joke. Her daughter/my cousin has pretty much constant panic attacks and just got out of HS. It looks like she's too afraid to make a run for it; I worry that my cousin believes the false narrative. My Aunt is the youngest of 8 and looks up to my mother. My mother is intimidating; I used to consider her the epitome of put together. Her priority has always been the white picket fence image, over actual connection with family.
This has been exactly my experience. Crazy worse. So called family. Had to cut ties. I'm doing EMDR which is helping but to blatantly see the manipulation from certain narcissistic people has been shocking, and just how conniving they are. Found myself right in the middle of more than 1 triangulation and they all interact with each other. Also repeating lies about me to other people trying to bait them in. I've recently learned of one who sees it all too. That's been so validating. I described it as feeling like a carcus in a field and they all vulchers. During the height of it all I thought I was having a stroke. Caught them in lies and rather than fess up my character was attacked and guilt attempts projected onto me. I'm a respectful, honest person. Lies will destroy relationships. If people will lie over the little things, they will most definitely lie over bigger things. I despise lying.
Is this why I am charming. Why strangers like me. Why they're nicer than my family is to me.
I figured out the scapegoat role when I got into an office and figured out that I am competent.
Kati, I agree on almost everything in this video advice, with one huge exception - ppl who don't have very close friends are not necessarily bad or manipulative or untrustworthy people. I think that holding on to friendships that are not serving, not kind is wrong and promotes further damage. So a lot of people I know are currently in this transition dumping old relationships that no longer conducive of good growth or even down right mean. It takes courage to sever these and when you say, oh be vigilant about people who are loners at the moment because this may be the sign that they are not good people is just wrong in my opinion
I always wanted to be liked I was exploited for that reason. I’m glad I’m aware now and working on that.
8. Lack of education. 9. Lack of awareness. 10. Lack of experience.
Oof...as someone w severe social (and general) anxiety hearing not having many friends is seen as a red flag reinforces my distance from others. Im terrified ppl think im a bad person... not worth bothering to interacting if my isolation (from severe depression) reinforces their distrust. Too much to keep up with....thus
Safer to be alone 😔
I’m so sorry to hear that. To be fair though, she said it’s not that everyone with few friends is bad, it’s just a good idea to take things slow with new friends, and that’s good advice in all cases. I don’t have a lot of friends because I moved to a new city a few years ago and I have physical limitations that make it hard to get around much, so I’m isolated for the most part. I don’t hurt or manipulate people, but my circumstances caused my isolation. There are many reasons why people may not have lots of friends.
After a very traumatic childhood, I’m always making excuses for other people’s manipulative behavior under the premise that I have no idea what’s making them that way. Maybe they have a reason ya know? But I now recognize that even if they did have a reason, it doesn’t mean I should allow them to manipulate me. I am working on it.
Thanks for bringing this to my attention Kati. You rock!
~ a long time Kinion.
It's nice to know I'm not alone, in doing this. It makes me feel less faulty and ashamed.
My mom taught us to be kind and accomodating if we could - to live with your society as a whole. I didnt realize how badly this would screw me as an adult living in a capiatlistic/narcissit driven culture. I do not generally have low self esteem - at least I didnt until a thousand incidences of being taken advantage of. Now I tend to be quieter. Just go about my day and hope to go home in one piece.
Great video.
I'm an introvert and I have ASD (autism).
It was always very difficult for me to express my feelings, set boundaires and to say 'no'.
I was pleasing others and I wasn't authentic.
Because I was afraid for conflicts etc.
I lost many friendships.
Nowadays I try to be honest en authentic.
But it is still difficult.
These things aren't your fault there are no excuses for manipulators/narcissistic people. These things just make you easier to be manipulated or targeted by these people. You aren't broken you were just unaware.
1. You are empathetic
2. You want to be liked (people pleaser)
3. Difficulty saying NO
4. Overlooking red flags
5. Low self esteem
6. Avoiding conflict with others
7. Your are TOO TRUSTING!!!
If you aren't easy to manipulate and you know how to set boundaries, people tend to be very hostile toward you.I have had first hand experience. It is a choice between you walking away with deep scars or you being walked all over.
As somebody that has been through some narc relationships and has finally decided to isolate from the world, the last conclusion hurts a little to listen to. It might be true in some cases that people with no friends might be bad people but I don't think it's always the case. Putting trust in others again after such experiences is just asking for too much. Especially if you had most of the qualities you mentioned in this list. It feels like the world uses your best qualities against yourself for seemingly no reason at all, just for the enjoyment of causing harm.
Join the 51 per cent of us who aren’t takers
disturbingly relatable
What an EXCELLENT topic. Thank you, Kati!
I always wanted to be accepted, important to my friends, actually HAVE friends but thanks to my hard childhood and always being tossed to the side, I'm never important enough for anyone to even listen to me. I just have to accept that I'm going to be alone forever. I don't trust anyone anymore because I've been burned too many times and people are disrespectful and I don't have time for anymore bullshit.
Shit, I feel the same and it's sucks, I'm sorry you were made to feel this way. I hope it gets better, somehow. For you, for me, for everyone who's been burnt too many times.
hey I'm so sorry you feel that way. It makes me so sad that you believe those things about yourself, that people convinced you of that. People are interested in what they like. I think that if people didn't listen to you and made you feel unimportant it's because they had different interests, different opinions than you, not because there was something wrong with you. It seems like you weren't made for each other. I also think that they were really insensitive and immature because no one deserves to be treated the way they treated you. Those episodes sure made you insecure and hurt you in so many ways. you surely developed some behaviours that will hurt you and others. I want to tell you that you can find your people, you can find peace, you can heal. please be gentle with yourself. discover yourself again. make your own opinion of yourself and life. please be your friend because you're the only one that will always be with yourself until the very end. this channel is really useful, I hope you can recover from this trauma and get better
I kinda feel that too, it’s hard to trust someone after a negative experience. But I just remind myself that we heal with secure and healthy relationships.. I think we have to learn how to recognize a safe person and become one too..
I feel this too
A couple things: I’m 4’ 9” and disabled from a cascade of illnesses, including Lyme at the moment. People see being tiny as being vulnerable. Couple that with being ill and workers seeing that I’m not staring at them 24/7. They take that as an opportunity to charge you more, and in my case, saying I need new appliances when I didn’t.
I'm so sorry to hear this, you're so strong💖 I'm 4'11" +my childhood abuse lead to me being very tiny&I struggle with endless things, including people think it's okay to shame us for our size. Nobody should be shamed for their size
I never realized empathy could be a problem, until it was.
@dubsthelegacy empathy isn't a problem at all. It's boundaries. You can show empathy towards someone without putting yourself at risk. Or perhaps you're empathizing with the wrong crowd.
@@thescribe4742 empathy itself isnt the problem, but the statement means something more like “i never knew me showing empathy could be a problem until it was”
@@dubsthelegacy could you elaborate on why you believe empathy is a problem?
@@thescribe4742 like i said, empathy is not the problem. Showing empathy to the wrong people or without boundaries is the issue. I just summed it up with a nice little statement. Youre taking it too literally my friend
Edit; just realized i said IS instead of ISNT in my comment, lol sorry
It’s better to be a narcissist than an empathy
This video really speaks to me. Over the last five or so years I’ve dealt with a number of people who had wanted me to do things for them that I didn’t really want to do or couldn’t do but would regularly give in to their wants due to the fear of not being liked by those same, finding it extremely difficult to say no, and wanting to do my best at avoiding conflict at all costs and they would sense that and use it to their advantage to get what they wanted out of me.
I have made improvement in falling into someone’s manipulation tactics, but it will take some more work before I am really comfortable telling someone no
Good advice
Hey Katie.
You have just described my persona perfectly in this video.
I'm starting to work on myself as a result.
Thank you.🙏🙏❤
If empathetic then also become a realist.
Some problems need worked on...don't listen ad nauseum!
If they have no intention of getting help...then you don't have to listen endlessly.
well my therapist is crap. I might just have this channel than keep seeing her. until i find someone else. also I like how you communicate. you’re down to earth. you’re not feeding word salad 🙌🏽
Who'd have thought one 2 letter word could be so hard to say --------NO
It is impossible for me to be manipulated again. I ceased all interpersonal interactions with humans long ago. All human interactions are kept to a manner that a client would interact with a merchant or service provider. All familiarity with humans was terminated due to the cruelty and opportunistic nature of most humans. I do not need humans in my life.
Plz stay off this site then
6:37 OOF Kati you just spoke to my soul. That is so deep you have no idea how accurate that is. Thank you Kati, you're such an angel for your content&I hope you're doing well💛
It took me almost 15 years the last time I ended up in that circumstance, too young (15-16), too naive, and too trusting. Even in your adult life, if you're not careful you can end up close to people you'll regret ever meeting.
Lack of self
Great observations! 1, 2, and 3 Especially ignorance of the Red Flags, was (hopefully was), my problem.
THANK YOU!!!
Great insight and advice ❤❤❤
Recently I've been remembering and analysing a few things that actually enlightened my mind on why I am like I am(an extremely people-pleaser with low self-esteem, passive and with huge struggles at setting boundaries). It all started when my father SA me when I was 5. I didn't know it was SA at the time and I didn't get to conclude the true nature of the abuse until very recently since all he did was inappropriate touching on me and I was really used to all of this.
The fact is that even though I didn't know it was SA I still didn't like it and asked multiple times for him to stop, he didn't stop and once I screamed for him to stop, he used his authority over me to shut me down. That behavior kept for many years and since then I have struggled with setting boundaries with others, which only got worst when my brother started doing the same with me but in a worst way and my mom didn't help as well and she was verbally extremely abusive towards me and time to time she was physically abusive.
I guess all of these things made me a people pleaser and with all the traits you mentioned Kati.
Helpful thanks
Thank you.
Much needed. I feel like I'm everyones verbal punching bag at work.
I have so much shame around this. The person I trusted the most manipulated and used me. Everyone I dated mistreated me. It's devastating but I'm learning to move on
Hearing this I understand I'm non trustworthy, but insecure more and more and i cannot lie.
Thank you for the too trusting point! I’m the opposite and don’t trust anyone, however I am friends with and know kind people who you just cannot tell that someone is a bad person and that they should keep their distance from! I have lost good people because I will not be a part of their rose tinted glasses aspect! People like this are infuriating and yes, it would be nice to see the good in people, but thats not the reality in a world full of sad, hurt people who don’t heal.
thank you so much, this video is amazing!
I've had to learn to say no to a lot of ppl. I can't be GOD for everybody. I love helping ppl, but I had to learn not to harm myself trying to help others. If I get bad vibes from ppl I back away from them.
I really like how you said that. I do feel that. Something more than bending over backwards for someone. Literally wearing every hat for them and being there for them 24/7. Being their spiritual guidance and Bridge to God. Just everything all the time.
@@LVAngelradio I feel yah. We must say no even if it hurts us to say it. We even have to ignore their tears. It's called tough love. We have to toughen ourselves to say NO!!!
For me, I want to be nice and helpful, and I hate confrontation, so I keep pushing my boundaries very, very far away.
You are just manipulating yourself..
Beaten down, caring, giving leeway to those you know have suffered... they PROVE they don't care when they abuse you to "share" with their abusive pack of wolves.
I did not expect to say yes, check to every one of these. I'm much better with many of them now, but I grew up around a lot of total shits
Thank you always God bless you ❤❤😊
Great video. ❤ I hit most of those points.
Plot twist she manipulating you into subscribing
It feels good saying no. Doesn't mean a lack of empathy. I've evolved into the polar opposite of a people pleaser probably from the exact same stimuli and pressure. It pushes us off the curve, off of the average. We compensate too much one way or the other. I'm quite sure for others there are plenty of scenarios where being a people pleaser feels good too. I also couldn't care less whether someone else likes me or not. Blech. Unless there's a strategic exception (employment et al) I have no expectation of their understanding and no desire to curry their favor.
Sometimes what makes me sad it's when you watch a person that you care so much about being manipulated by another and you know its intentions (because you have watched being done by that person over and over again to multiple ppl and nothing good at the end) and when you try to signal that she's being manipulated she dismisses and think it's jealousy and bad character by your part...dunno, some ppl just like to be manipulated or completely unaware what manipulation looks like.
But new friends test boundaries sometimes because they do not know yours. Do not cut them off the first time they do this, give them a chance and listen to what they have to say?
Fool me once then shame on you, but fool me twice…
Yes, and no. I understand what you are saying, but do not let bad behaviour become too "established" early on, either. If you dont nip it in thebud" and cut it off, MUCH earlier than later, THEN they'll say: "Why gripe now? Its "always" been OK before." (Because you already went too long without saying anything, and that can be as short as 1 time over to your place and 2 "lets meet for half-a-sandwich and a cup of soup "dates". Total 3 encounters. Maybe just 2 depending how long they were. See my comments at the top of all these comments...
@@dabbler1166 A person who says why gripe now is not taking responsibility for their part in the interaction. They are saying they do not care about you or your feelings. They have little interest in your point of view or what happened, so no I would not give that person a second chance. The one who deserves the second chance is willing to listen to what you have to say and acknowledge your feelings etc,
@@caroleminke6116 why shame on you, we all have shame, none of us is perfect. It is the intention behind the actions/ words that matters. Intention sometimes needs time to determine.
Can I get some feedback please?
I'm really struggling with the idea of, "I am not a child anymore. I cannot get in trouble"
Growing up in an abusive household. The worst part of getting in trouble was being yelled at and talked down to. Now as an adult I see it's very common, for adults to yell and talk down to each other. So I don't feel the statement is true. I very much do feel like, I can get in trouble. I get in trouble with my friend. when I upset or hurt her feelings. I get yelled at and scolded. So is it that the statement is untrue? Or perhaps, I'm normalizing and accepting unhealthy Behavior?
These all ring quite familiar for me, exept the last one I guess. I definitely give the benefit of the doubt, want to believe in the good in people, but I keep a certain vigilence at first. I observe, a lot. I found that watching people act and interact a a silent bystander can tell you a lot about that person. I sometimes get the feeling they just forget you are even there (especially when you seem occupied. I almost allways fir that criterium. Allways doing crosswords, sudoku, yakazu, reading... does not mean I observe at the same time. Or even mostly observe and switch to pretend being distracted. A context where I find myself really methodically doing this is when I am freshly admitted into a psych ward. As soon as I am calm enough to leave my room, or flee it because of a bad roomate (in which case I likely just search for a lonely corner (I can't "work" when I'm too anxious), I "take position" in the "community room". Nicely greeting other patients, but not engaging more yet. Almost like becoming a piece of furniture, a "fly on the wall". I usually can scan the really unsafe persons quickly. Or the "hard to read" ones, which as well require caution. At least I guess I can. But I've not had bad surprises in this for ages. If ever. Sometimes my radar is intact, I have to engage with an unsafe person, but do so in metaphorical full armor. Sorry for digressing) Or this is really just me having to learn so young and so well to "read" people from their body language and demeanor. My mother had BPD and she was utterly unpredictable. So this became almost a survival skill... that - in her in particular - might still fail often enough, but could be quite valuable concerning almost everyone else. Her swings in mood seemed quicker than her body could show them. I also I simply may have gotten better in this ability over the years.
Sorry for digressing.
Hi Kati 🙂 What are the signs of a trustworthy person? Because I'm Autistic and I just really struggle in this area, in knowing what the signs are
3,4,5,6 & 7 - and in parts 1 and 2
Low self esteem and being absolutely trusting can really hurt a lot. And yes, I would call myself naive in some sense. But I don't agree that having only a few friends is a red flag. In my eyes this is more a sign of a lonely person. Ooops, sounds like me.
lol your not alone, we will get through this together.
Lot's of people disagreeing with this.
I have one genuine close friend, and a handful of acquaintances.
I lost a group of three friends due to their lack of care or consideration when my Grandad passed away.
I reconnected with my old friend and have felt better since.
Manipulating- that’s my mom. She’s still that way. I had to part ways.
This made a very uncomfortable listening experience for me because I can tick very single box. But something I really needed to hear as well.
This is a great video
I don't have difficulty in saying no to abusive intrusive people. Saying no is not the problem. STALKERS ARE.
#7 - They only have 1 childhood friend, who also doesn't have anyother friends. Should have been a red flag for me.
😠 you’re too good at this 😔
Wished of I could of been more of an asshole instead having too much empathy because of my empathy has been weaponized against me 😢. Now I just get taken advantage of by people especially family. I don't trust easy anymore used too trust easier til I got betrayed by people I thought I could trust.
Learn to gray rock then no contact 😉 older, sadder & wiser is just the way you go
Technically speaking, we are manipulated by everything that encapsulates existence.
Your body is getting hungry, your stomach may make noise or there might even be a sense of discomfort. Your body manipulates you to eat by making you uncomfortable.
That's just one tiny example. Every time you share information with someone else, you are manipulating them. I'm manipulating you right this second!
Every single thing you do, every single thing you say, everything you feel, everything you think is all a form of manipulation. You're manipulating the environment around you just by breathing!
What's my point?
Stop demonizing words, stop putting emotional value in the things you perceive to be threatening.
It's really not that far of a concept either. It's fairly simple, really.
The more you take, the more you blame. Yet everything still feels the same.
The more you hurt, the more you strain.
There are differences, though, between influencing and manipulating, mainly the intent and the overall, long-term effects to the relationship. Your body isn't "manipulating" you to eat because of ill intent. Influence is based on free will and consent. When you're being manipulated, it's not for your benefit, usually quite the opposite. It involves coercion, even if it's subtle, to act against your own will. No one is demonizing a word.
@@LPoper I find it interesting that you chose "influence" to attempt a rebuttal, considering that "influence" is literally part of the description of "manipulate."
This is fun! Let's keep going😁
People would rather be abused than be lonely this is not going to change. I'm not being negative it's just the truth. People have to learn how to be alone.
I'd trust Katie in a heartbeat
Wow! Everyone of these hit home with me. I thought I was being a good person, but it sounds like people were just using me to get what they want.
Is it okay if I watch this with my counselor to talk about it?
Everyone is manipulating everyone all the time. Most manipulation is socially acceptable, even encouraged as normal. It's only when the manipulator is intentional that society has an issue.
Is there another version of this video on you tube that I could have seen less than an hour ago?
2-you want to be liked (people pleaser)
Hi Kati Morton i lost trust because i got abuse and lie to and getting use me they get to my bank yes i do want to trust again in women to fall in love but that issue comes knocking on my door how can i over come it.
Just think Ted Bundy with his arm in a sling! Would you carry his stuff to the VW Bug? With the seat removed… only one victim got away
💛
Is it wrong to be manipulated? From my experience you are missing out on many opportunities, even if they are handed to you by questionable characters.
R U kidding or just stupid or perhaps a malignant narcissist?
🌸
1-you are empathetic
2-
Today rank one 2017 Neet exam (one of the toughest medical exam in india where 25 lakh students participate for top ranking) suiside because of bad mental health and stress. Cracking Neet exam and JEE exam is the dream of every indian science stream students but because of toxic indian society and education system thousands of students commit suicide every month in india. India is populous but here all are the patients of bad mental health .
I totally believe this! When they decided that the high school I taught at was now “college prep”, and they took away shop, art, etc., and focused on constant testing, the students were so stressed and cried constantly. 🥲
@@Tinyteacher1111 ma'am, he was a bright student in college and he was continuing MD from the best madical college of India.
Actually problem is that Indian society is not healthy and all indian politicians are heavily corrupted. Our most of school teacher are mentality disturbed , they always punish us for small mistake like smiling in class.most of Indian can't make healthy relationship because they are too much emotional and there logical thinking is zero.
@@Tinyteacher1111 actually European, American, chinese and japnese student have better mental health than Indian students because indian education system is totally corrupted and here most of parents and teachers mentally unfit.
First ❤
Yay!! xoxo
💜♾️🙏🏼🕉️
Lmaoo why am I all 7? 😂
Kiitän.
I love Katie's curly blonde hair. Curly hair is my weakness
That's interesting. Why do you think your opinion on Katie's appearance is important to share?
my parents are trying so HARD to manipulate me into having kids ...
yet i REFUSE because this world is so FULL OF PAIN AND SUFFERING
only morans have kids!
That's a new one.
I was manipulated into clicking on this video
Sick narc
Teal swan would never manipulate me. Possibly for my time and attention . If Im manipulated im giving it to them so when I attack it's a surprise hit. 5 times Ive test you guys testing me. You guys run the same cycle to which I just entertain. I turn off ths device and that's pamic for you guys. Yawns
Plz do
Kamala voters… listen up 🤗
T H I S💙💙💙💙💙
@@brookels66 message unclear lol
Politics in general is very dogmatic and loaded.
I don't think it's party specific.
How come it's so hard for a narcissist to say I'm sorry or own up to anything that they do wrong why why is it so goddamn hard for them to say it are they going to die from it or they going to it's going to be the end of the goddamn world cuz they know owning up to what they do wrong