Hi Katie! i'm a first time mom with twins and my boundary setting struggle right now is with toddlers lol! Could you please do a video specific to this?
If you're taking requests I would like to suggest a video about why boundaries are a prerequisite that we need in order to give unconditional love. Thank you.
Put a boundary in with a Narcissist like my Mum and expect the rage. Uphold the boundary and the rage and abuse increases. In the past I would crumble at the abuse and my entire life I have had no boundaries. But through therapy and watching your videos Kati I have become stronger and learning to ignore the tantrums, abuse and stand firm to my values and boundaries. If the abuse continues I make my exit and leave the chat/call/situation.
When I went into counseling, I didn’t even know what a boundary was! I remember telling my mother that I didn’t want to hear her negative comments about my dad when she divorced him. Whew, things really went south with my relationship with my mom after that!
About that last sentence: "over time, those around you will learn to respect your needs". Sometimes they never do! If they are taking months and years to learn it, and constantly "forget" or just flip the blame on you when you are reinforcing your boundaries, they are being ABUSIVE. I had to reinforce my boundaries with my ex husband until the final reinforcing method was to leave him. He would never adjust to one of my boundaries unless I gave in on some other boundary. It was SO awful and it took 16 years from me.
Anytime i tried to set a boundary with my family. I would literally be launched at, or looked at as if i were insane. No one respect my boundaries to this day.
I ended a friendship because she would not honor my boundaries. She said I was harsh and snappy enforcing my boundaries. I have no regrets and it has been months.
Same thing happened with me too, but when I reminded her of the boundary, she just acted dumb. But it's been month now and I can now focus on my own mental health
I feel like my family has never heard of the concept of boundaries. Whenever I express that something makes me uncomfortable, I get laughed at, I get called overly sensitive, and if I try to enforce a boundary, they get offended and guilt me by saying I don’t care about them/love them.
I am glad you share this with us because now I know what to do when I set my boundaries every time people get angry at me because they don't like my boundaries I only have to learn how to stand stronger against some people not to get soft on them
I started giving everyone boundaries. I have become the bad guy. So be it. When one does not respect it. I cut the umbilical cord. I have no time for the nonsense anymore. Especially since I do not approve of any drama from anyone.
Same I will never let what happened to me happen again I won’t let anyone be mean to me and assholes I have learned after being set up and used and manipulated and led on by people I loved and cared about heartbreak they hurt me and affected me trauma I don’t trust people anymore and I can’t talk relationships have been ruined for me I don’t think I will ever be in one again I’m tired and over it and I’m so sad and very upset and depressed and miserable and not happy these weird things keep happening to me and I feel like it’s my fault and my bad decisions self destructive behavior that is causing me to have problems in my life I have so much people to blame I have a lot of issues I’m dealing with right now and I can’t get help for it because I’m not an adult I’m only 14 these people don’t know me and what I am going through I live a very sad miserable life I have a learning disability I don’t even know the meaning of words and money but they laugh at me and judge me and talk about me and make fun of me like they know me I really don’t give a fuck anymore it’s so hard because I have to deal with these people and see them until I can get away from them and cut them out of my life because they are a trigger for me I also feel like they don’t care about me and they want to get rid of me and they don’t want to look at me like the person that broke me and my heart but he is not even in my life anymore but I can’t get over him and I always get reminded of him and he is in my head and my weird dreams maybe he has problems that’s why he stopped talking to me and blocked me after everything he told me I don’t understand and get it if he was not interested in me why did he talk to me and reach out he is not the victim I did nothing to him to make him do what he did maybe he is confused about his feelings for me and he pushed me away and got scared but he is an asshole and I wish I never met him
I set boundaries with toxic family members. They tried to overstep them, so they got the good ol no contact and blocked. Im not putting up with their bs. Gossiping and dramatizing about my life and not allowing me to enjoy life. Blocking them allowed me to be myself without judgment.
I have had such a problem with people not respecting me or my boundaries and now I can clearly see why. I have a lot to fix i my life but this is the first step. So thank you for making this video
I was in an intensive outpatient program at the beginning of this year and we worked on boundaries. My brother had recently gotten remarried and anytime I spoke with him I had to be on speaker phone and his new wife had to be present. He’s in his 60’s and me in my 50’s. We had never had a relationship like this. I felt like I needed to tell him things that were going on with me, but I didn’t feel comfortable sharing with her. I had a conversation with him expressing what I needed and while I understood that he felt like his wife needed to be part of our conversation, it wasn’t working for me. He told me he couldn’t do what I was asking. So, it seems like I sat a boundary and he had a boundary. Neither of us won. We haven’t spoken in 8 months.
At least your in your 50s and old enough to get help I’m only 14 dealing with my issues and problems still going to school and living with my family and my aunt because my mom died when I was 9 from cancer and I don’t really talk about her I have avoided her death and it’s been 5 years or 6 years I think I blocked it out of my memory I wish I could block other things out of my memory also the trauma and my bad past and not normal childhood and it’s so hard because I still have to see these people and deal with them till I’m 18 then I can push them away and cut them out of my life and get away from them I have been affected and hurt and taken advantage of and manipulated and used by people that I love and care about set up lied to led on heartbreak and I’m so sad and very upset and I’m stressed about it I have been through alot that’s what people don’t know I’m someone that has a learning disability I don’t even know the meaning of some words and money it’s sad I live a really sad miserable life and I blame people for my problems but I feel like it’s my fault and it’s because of my bad decisions that have cause me problems in my life my self destructive behavior but I really don’t trust people anymore and I can’t talk I’m very depressed and some days I don’t want to get out of bed and I don’t want to do anything but I will never let what happened to me happen again and I won’t let anyone be mean to me and assholes I have learned I know just laugh at those mean assholes and smile be confident I’m gonna start becoming someone else I really don’t give a fuck anymore
People don’t respect boundaries because social media taught everyone how to stare. Remember when you were a kid before social media and your parents would say it’s impolite to stare? Haven’t heard that one in a while.
I have a neighbor who jumped my fence three times. He would short out my electric horse fence. I went no contact and he stays on his side now. It was unbelievable. I don't like confrontation but I did it.
You learned about boundaries when you are a child at least you need to. Being someone whos boundaries were violated because of abuse sexual abuse was one of these ways I learned I wasn't a person but an object to be used how someone else saw fit. This wasn't the only type of abuse that I dealt with. Even the mental and Emotional abuse I also dealt left me wondering if I could be my own person. I didn't even understand I had boundaries until I was in my thirties. I even I had to learn in my twenties that I was getting in other peoples spaces because I had no understanding of personal space. Boundaries are hard for me because I will respect others but it's hard to have others respect mine.
Humans, most definitly, respect my bounderies. Nobody knows me. I know nobody. Nobody speaks to me. I speak to nobody. I am extremely independent and self-reliant. I depend on nobody, in a personal level. I should have become this independent long ago. It has improved my life tremendously.
Every time my dad comes to visit my house, he obsesses over rearranging my entire garage (uninvited). ARGH. That’s just an easy example. Explaining the emotional boundary violations is much harder.
I think thats one of the MOST useful videos anyone can ever watch. So many people have boundary problems, either reinforcing them or accepting other people's boundaries. I would argue it's the root of 90% of all interpersonal conflict. You explained it so well and the summaries and excersizes in between are super helpful!! I love the example with the fence and our cows. We don't want our cows to die, so we HAVE to keep some people out!! Brilliant. I hope its okay if I make a "handout" with your bulletpoints, just for me to re-read (and maybe hang up on the wall lol).
So good. I needed the reminder that boundaries are not light switches, there's going to be a training period for both sides. I need to remember that breaking boundaries isn't malicious, they might need more training and my behavior, standing up vs giving in, is what's going to teach them. (I'm an instructor so this is how I relate to the tips.)
@@maryandrews9160 You can if you are ready to bear the consequences. Sometimes bosses ask you because it is easy for them to ask you first (and not find a different solution), sometimes they have a right to ask you. Depends on your contract, I'd say (bosses are not slave owners. You still have your own free will when it comes to your spare time).
THEY know that, and it makes you look unhinged. Narcissists are master manipulators. They have gone through all the scenarios with "their" people. They literally have all the arguments with others in their heads, as if to practice for the big Parade.
This, " boundaries" stuff has created havoc in my family. My family is quite dysfunctional and my siblings have used boundaries as a weapon. It's turned off and on when needed. To have a boundary you also must be true to yourself about your shortcomings. I have a sister who unknown to me at the time had set boundaries with me without explaining why. She no longer was speaking to me and screened her calls with me. I finally asked why she doesn't speak to me any longer and she said that I keep speaking badly about my other sisters and it stresses her. But I know for a fact that she also speaks bad about them. Then recently found out that she was throwing mud about me to my other sisters. Just to be clear, I was talking to her about my other sisters because there is verbal abuse happening to myself and my 96 year old father. My sibling’s trauma doesn’t let them ever admit to having any faults . So trying to have a discussion with them leads to anger. they explode quite easily. Also, my sisters really don't like me 🤷🏽♀️ so they blame me for things that go wrong in the house. They criticize my every action. I live in constant fear and terror of what is coming! So foolishly, I thought I could speak to my sister who didn't live there, ( I haven’t move out for financial reason that occurred after my mother's death) Also, I thought we had developed a close bond. So when she was going through very difficult times I always gave her an ear and try to be a true sister. Now I found what I spoke in confidence to her she has told my sister in a bad way. Plus now, she only will speak with them. So I am the outsider. It broke my heart. So much betrayal. We will be selling my parents house and will be moving away from each other. Sadly, I plan to have no contact with them to get some kind of sanity in my life. Unfortunately, I will not know when my dad will pass away because he is moving with them. But, all this boundary stuff has been used by them to manipulate situations. It only works if you have a somewhat sane family.
The first thing an abuser does when they meet an immovable object is attack. These critters are hopeless. And if you rely on them for ANYTHING, they will use it against you. Just impossible.
I agree with this video but the problem with some of these issues like assertiveness or setting boundaries is that they can be used out of context. For example telling someone with entitlement issues or narcissism about assertiveness training is giving that person the green light to act on that out of context to the situation. Regarding boundaries, people with the same mentality can weaponize that to avoid accountability. Ghosting someone for a petty or cruel reason in the name of "setting boundaries". Making accusations or remarks but then shutting down a response by "setting boundaries".
I see weaponized boundaries a lot. Especially people who don't adhere to their own standards. They say: "You can't talk to me when I am mad at you." (Which is not a boundary, because they focus on YOU not on themselves) but if you are mad at them, they ignore that. They can jump into your convo but you are supposed to never enter any (public) communication of theirs etc.
@@blauespony1013 yes I've seen it many times myself which is why I commented. I guess it falls into a similar category of playing the victim. Yes there are genuine victims out there, many in fact, but some people like to use those techniques to manipulate for their own advantage. And it's not apparent to those outside of the situation. Setting boundaries can easily fall into that category.
@@lennoxwasbest7587 you coulda helped everyone here much. much more (and got more Empathy from them) if you woulda simply been more specific. Your point about "weaponization, i believe is valid, yet you were too Vague about things. You say above that its "not apparent to those outside of the situation." Far better to recount the specifics of that, and let the people decide. If they can "see it", they'll be more likely to side with you.
Someone else put it a different way: A boundary is not: "X makes me uncomfortable." That is a (valid) emotional reaction. A boundary IS: "X will make me leave." That is a cause-and-effect statement. Clear communication with consistent follow-through works wonders.
They always need to find an excuse to break your boundaries, even if its from something that isn't related, they try to exaggerate something harmful w you, and stereotype you bc they don't value your boundaries.
time as a basic boundary is a good one... i tell my brother that i go to bed at 10pm... he calls it "beauty sleep" and mocks me for it. ( as he walks the street at night because the world is falling apart , that everyone is "asleep" and doesn't see the "real" world" , that he is "awake" and if he stays still "they" will get him) it has been nearly 5 years.. nah... he still doesn't respect the boundary. so instead i just have to pretend he is already dead... that way i dont feel guilt... about not being to help him with his undiagnosed ... whatever... he is going through.
another fun one is when the boundary is, we do not accept alcohol in the house when he is visiting.. oh man.. we are "abusive" and "abandoning" him by not letting him drink a bottle a day when he is visiting. on his own he can burn his allowance on liquor ( yes he still gets an allowance from our parents, frankly it is just enabling him.) it is a boundary i enforce and he literally ran away into the woods and walked back home 100miles.. took him a week. he would rather do that than respect an alcohol boundary.
oh.. he is not testing resolve. he is looking for more reasons to be the victim of his circumstances instead of seeking help for his circumstances. he(the world of his delusions anyway) seems to do it to feed his world view.
I have one question: What exactly is the boundary you are setting? "I go to bed at 10pm" - will he disturb your sleep or "just" mock your habit? Because if he just mocks it, he is respecting the boundary (as he is not disturbing you). If your boundaries is "Don't mock my sleep ritual", that one he is not respecting. Did you ever tell him how it makes you feel? And your rule was "no alcohol in my house". Did he bring any into it? No. So again: Boundary accepted. He just did not stay at your place and that is his choice. Otherwise your boundary's aim would be to make him do something he does not want you. And THAT is a weaponized boundary.
@@blayzeon Oh, I get that OP is annoyed. But being annoyed doesn't make you right. You can't tell another person to "not drink" because that is controlling not a boundary. You can say "if you drink I won't spend time with you" or "I won't invite you over if you keep drinking". So yeah, the type of boundary that was set here makes a big difference.
Narcissistic family. When my BPD mom spends time with my narcissistic brother, I can tell. 😮 my mom’s attitude changes - from grateful and loving to treating me like I am hired help. When I point this out, they set a boundary that I am not allowed to mention my brother. 😮 They response with a boundary.
One time this girl told me that they had been trying to make me gay for a couple of years before they came out and did it in the open. They didn't bother to ask me if I wanted to be gay. It was pretty manipulative. I don't want to be gay. It someone else wants to that's fine, but don't go around trying to force me to be gay.
Oh wow I can kind of relate everyone knows I’m gay well they think I am and I got heartbroken by a guy he probably thought I was but yet he reached out to me and tried talking to me and being my friend and he set me up and led me on and used me he was never interested in me I wish I knew because I would have talked to him about it but he hurt me and I’m very sad and upset because I let him do what he did to me and I can’t get over him and stop thinking about him and get him out of my head and he is in my weird dreams he doesn’t even care about me and love me he wanted to get rid of me and not look at me that is what he did but it’s hard for me to set boundaries because I get afraid of being made fun of and laughed at and called names he has problems he is an Aries masculine I think very impulsive he is an asshole these guys are and jealous envious of me and haters insecure they don’t know me and what I am going through like I have a learning disability I don’t even know the meaning of words and about money I’m not like them I live a sad miserable life and they just take advantage I just want to be happy again and be in a relationship with someone that checks on me ask me how I’m doing wants to make plans and hang out and they are interested and they care about me and love me and they keep me away from the drama and all of this and we have a connection this person understands what I’m going through and they are honest with me they are not mean to me and they don’t play with me and they actually want to show me that they care and like me and want to be my friend and they are interested if not then they are out of my life
People do respect my boundaries because I don't have any Needs or Wants that anyone else can satisfy anymore. Therefore I will not allow anyone else in my life experience again because Friendships and Relationships are weapons that allows others to do critical damage to my Soul. Therefore I will not be able to make the connections with anyone that is not worth the effort or time to understand
Eh you could also just learn to identify green flags and red flags. It’s not easy but I recently made a best friend that way. Had to go through 30+ people to find her but I would do it all again. Good friends are amazing to have.
I can relate to this especially the workplace example but also the first example about people coming to me for advice . I’m like the “on call “ therapist with people ❤
I’ve set exactly 2 boundaries in my life - let me know when you’re coming in the day before, and don’t talk bad about my mom. Neither boundary was respected by my father. And that, guys, gals, and theys, is exactly why I’m moving away from him. Some people never will respect your boundaries, and those people aren’t worth your time.
This video is mostly correct but the examples are inconsistent with what Kati is saying, which could lead to confusion. Kati is correct in the sense that boundaries concern your own behavior and not that of the other. As such a boundary can always be be guarded by yourself by *saying no, not doing something, or by taking oneself out of a situation* (e.g. walking away). People are only able to not respect your boundaries if you do not respect them yourself by not guarding them. Remember your boundaries are your responsibility, no one else's, and you control who crosses them. In the first example Kati says that Sarah set's a boundary by telling her family that she isn't available after 8 p.m. However, this is NOT setting a boundary, because Sarah clearly was available after 8 p.m. If she would have set a boundary she would have not picked up the phone, or even better turned it of after 8 p.m. If she would have done that no one would have been able to cross her boundaries because she took responsibility of guarding her boundaries. What Sarah did is request from her family to guard her boundaries by not contacting her instead of guarding her boundaries herself. Interestingly Sarah's sister did set a boundary by not being made responsible for Sarah's boundaries and just calling. See how Sarah's sister did *not do something* (not changing her behavior), while Sarah did NOT *not do something* (picking up the phone). It is somewhat similar in the second situation. John's boss making the request is not John's boss not respecting John's boundaries. If John takes responsibility of guarding his own boundaries he will simply *say no* to his boss and no boundary is crossed. Just like the sister in the first example the boss does set a boundary by not being made responsible for John's boundaries. As for the third example, here Kati concludes a lot about the other person's internal motivation. Very few people will actually do this. It is far more likely that the other person just forgot, and only needs a reminder. Generally people have good intentions, they are far less busy with you than you think they are so they forget (same might hold for the boss and the sister btw). So what if you do say no, or not pick up your phone and someone is still trying to get you to do something or not leaving you alone. In that case *take yourself out of the situation*. End the conversation, close the door, walk away. Be consistent, take responsibility, every single time.
Thanks for all your videos and thoughts. A great help, although I need something specialized... recently turned out I have quiet BPD and in a semi-relationship (so to say) with someone having a more serious one. I seek help but here it's impossible to find specialist, and private sector has such prices an average person cannot afford especially in the long term... I out of ideas, and now all the world is falling apart. I took all pain for both of us because I thought I deserve nothing but more pain... but I'm close to giving it up.
My mum insists that I message her when I’m going somewhere - I’m 30 years old and I don’t do it because I KNOW I don’t need to. She does it because she cares about me and she always says “you don’t care about me when you just go somewhere without telling me” and she gets very emotional. How do I deal with this?
Does she insist on news every time? Like daily? Your need is: You need your privacy. Her need is: She wants to be sure you are safe. Or maybe she is lonely and is reaching for you. I think you can find a solution that works for both of you? Like calling her at certain times or something? Try to negotiate with her for something that will make her know that you are safe without you having to call her any time (it is her fear/loneliness after all, she is responsible for her own feelings). Tell her that you will not call her everytime because you need your privacy, too, but you will call her twice a week and tell her about your life or something (and in a year you just call once a week or something ...). (Btw. "you don't care about me" is a little manipulative ... she is playing the blame game).
What is "go somewhere without telling me"? Is that going round to the shops, away for a weekend or off on a trip? I think that will tell you a lot about her motivation. I have kids about your age and they tell me when they will be away for a few days and I do the same for them as a courtesy. If she is complaining about you going out with friends for dinner or something, that is a bigger issue and could be more about seeking control over your life. Maybe make it mutual, if either of you is traveling the other will send one text a day just so you know things are okay and that is the boundary. Good luck with it.
Setting boundaries is indeed a challenging but crucial aspect of maintaining healthy relationships. Here are some practical tips for setting and maintaining boundaries effectively: 1. Identify Your Limits: Reflect on what is important to you and where you feel uncomfortable or stretched in your relationships. Knowing your own limits is key to setting boundaries that align with your values and well-being. 2. Communicate Clearly: Clearly express your boundaries to others in a calm and assertive manner. Use "I" statements to convey your needs and expectations without blaming or accusing the other person. 3. Practice Self-Care: Prioritize self-care and self-awareness to recognize when your boundaries are being crossed. Take the time to check in with yourself regularly and make adjustments as needed. 4. Be Consistent: Consistency is key in maintaining boundaries. Stick to your boundaries and reinforce them with consistent actions and responses. 5. Seek Support: Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends, family, or a therapist who can help you navigate boundary-setting challenges and offer guidance when needed. Remember, setting boundaries is a process that requires practice and patience. By valuing your own needs and respecting the boundaries of others, you can cultivate healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
My mother doesn't know boundaries! She is constantly trying to control me. I said no more talk of food or weight or we're not going to the family event.
I dont believe in repeating boundaries over and over. By repeating them we already let other people cross them again and we are crossing our own boundaries.
when i put up a boundary or remind them to respect my decision, they simply tell me how wrong i am n how horrible my 'behavior' is n if i point out what they did n y I'm setting this boundary, since they cannot point out my "bad behavior" after that, they point out my "tone of voice" even though they're the ones screaming at me ..... dealing with controlling narcissists is so tiring istg wats worse is that i still keep thinking I'm doing something wrong when they turn everything into a fight...... thank you for making this video
Your part of the problem why boundaries are gone... Social Media has exasperated the lack of social interactions and taught people that boundaries are meant to be broken.
I think when you ask family not to say something to you and they still do. It’s because they don’t care about you and they know that phrase or name hurts you and that’s what they want. I had to say if you can’t listen to me, you will not see me or my children. Limited contact.
This happened before I made a big mistake with women: One time I went into a bookstore in a mall and the female manager came over, and we had what I took to be an enjoyable conversation. But then she abruptly ended the conversation and said, "We're all bad." At that point in time I was saying nothing like that about women. Then she went and got a security guard. I had done nothing wrong, so I didn't leave. The security guard couldn't lay a hand on me. After that, if I just stopped to watch the kittens across from the bookstore she went and got two security guards. I had done nothing to offend that woman in any way, but she was sure holding something against me. It was like I was supposed to cringe in awe when she walked by. I got a lot of that kind of treatment from women. At that point in time I had done nothing to offend them. I know a lot of guys that really don't like women, and some of them are doing quite well with them.
I’m always disrespected to the point of constant roommate domestic violence. I’m in financial ruin because of it. Then ppl blame me for being in the place I’m in. Any suggestions?
The Big Lessons that I am learning about Boundaries is that: 1. I must be persistent! 2. And remain alert. To see if they are: A) hoping I have forgotten in a few weeks, or B) if they will try to find some new way to "push the envelope". For example: suppose I want people who come over to take off their shoes. It's my house and I have that right. I don't care about arguing that "its no big deal" (ANYTIME anyone says that, RUN. There will likely be 6 more things to drive you Nuts that are "no big deal", to them). cuz their shoes are clean." So they say. Too bad. I myself have been asked that at other people's house and I comply. My House, my rules. No one forced them to come over. They are free to leave. But lets TEST Boundaries some more. How do you feel about THIS scenario?--- A family member is riding with you in *your* car and you have the radio or a music CD on while driving. Its music you really like, you always do this, everywhere. 4 blocks to the grocery store, a half-hour across town or 4hrs one-way on a road-trip. ...but they say the music sucks and to turn it off. Here is what I feel they would be likely to say, and my responses: Them: Gawd, that music sucks. Shut it off. Me: I like it --and this is my car. Them: But I'm a "captive audience". Me: That's the chance you take. Its the chance iiiii take when I'M a passenger in anyone else's car. NO ONE forced you to ride with me! And its my car. Would you tell me what TV channel to have on if you were in my house? Them: Well, iiiii wouldn't do things like that. I'd shut if off it you were in my car." Me: Maybe. But you would be within your rights either way. But even if you would: YOUR-CHOICES-DON'T-OBLIGATE-ME! Them: well, you could have a little more consideration. Me: iiii could? TWO replies to that: #1. who is on who's "turf" here? When iiii'm the passenger, or a visitor at someone else's place, I do things *their* way. I show *them* consideration. By the same token, they, or you, can show "consideration" and respect by doing the same for me! and second: #2. What would I do if you weren't even here at all? I'd enjoy the same music. I'd play it anyway. So what's different? Also, why should I diminish my enjoyment any less, or stop being me, or inhibit myself, just because you are here? Them: That sounds selfish. 20 minutes without your music wouldn't kill you. Me: And 20 minutes of hearing it won't kill you, either. I am totally within my rights when it's in my house, on my property or in my car. Just like you are. Them: Gawd, I hate driving with you. Me: I can stop the car. You are free to go. No one ever forced you at all. One more thing--- suppose i *did* give them their way on this bit with the radio. How soon would it be before they found 6 other ways and situations for me (or you) to be more "considerate" ? You get to be "courteous" but they will never admit to trying to be "manipulative", ON YOUR TURF, will they? If all they have to worry about is when they are in your car, in your house or on your property, they don't have it very bad at all. So, quit bitching.
Happens so much with my parents esp my Mother. They attempt to be overly controlling and they have a I don't care about your boundaries we're your parents attitude. Reason why I have "low contact with them".
You told the men, "let us handle this guy. We're going to tear him a new one." I'm a sigma male. A sigma male is a philosopher, and he doesn't have much against anyone, but if you really piss him off he systematically destroys you."
I already have a hard time answering the quiz questions... There's an empty desert in my mind, trying to work with them. Seems like I don't know where my most basic boundaries are... I have 0 boundaries, due to my worthlessness I feel about myself. And that makes kinda sense, because I always recognize that boundaries have been crossed a few hours, days or weeks later. I feel like I'm several steps behind and that's scary. How can I get better with it? I'm confused
Boundaries. Disrespect mine it is what it is spin the wheel take a chance. Disrespect my wife, my kids, my grandkids that's gambling action no casino or prison shark will take. I will die on the hill many times over for my family, and have no regrets doing it. I may not survive said battle, but I guarantee the one I am fighting won't either. #teamwolfpack #thatisall
Hi Kati, I don’t know if you will see this, but I’ll give it a try. I have someone in my life who either walks away or gives me the silent treatment while I’m trying to resolve a fight we’re having. They don’t talk te me anymore, I’m trying to figure out what is going on but all I get is empty stares… When they do finally tell what’s going on I’m trying to think of a solution for the next time, or trying to let them see that it could have gone differently if they just communicated their feelings with me. I know some people need time before they can resolve the problem. I tried resolving this by letting them come to me when they felt like they could talk again. But this didn’t seem to work. I don’t like the silent treatment and they always say I’m blaming them for everything while really all I’m trying to do is resolve the issue, find a solution for the next time and make them aware that communication is very important. How do I set a boundary for something like this… I don’t wanna be ignored, left alone with my emotions (because I get really sad when I don’t feel heard, understood and left alone in a rude way by them) it’s draining me… Desperately I need of advice, Megan
Thank you for such an informative video. I have a question. I teach post graduate students and my long time problem is maintaining the right amount of friendliness with the students. I laugh for their jokes, share my experience and sometimes my life stories with them in informal gathering. I also told them clearly that they can't expect this at classes and they must know to respect their teachers as teachers when in a formal set-up. Lately, I'm seeing them overdoing the greetings when they see me in corridors (in a funny way or like "watch me! I'm respecting you") and still approach me as a friend though some are resisting it. I thought i will reapond everything with a stern/pocker face so they will step back a little. I don't know if i had to stay put with this. How do i act so that i have the right amount of friendliness and strictness as other colleagues of mine do? Where have i gone wrong? Maybe, i should not have let them in so much the very first time. Kindly advice me in this regard.
I have a friend who thinks I'm sensitive for setting a boundary just because I just need time with friends I don't see often and he calls constantly whenever he feels like it or even calls during my appointments so I had to turn my phone off but he thought I was ignoring him. I do agree with a lot of this in the video but I would feel like someone just coming over to my property without permission I'd call the police for trespassing 😂
Kati can we have a video on how to set healthy boundaries in friendships for example a friend who always wants to go out clubbing or out in general and I don’t want to or I want to go to gym after work and save money and new healthy as in not clubbing every weekend or going to the local pub.. also I don’t really want to drink alcohol anymore either and she seems to not get that. Also can you do a video on setting boundaries at work and in relationships. Even settings boundaries on being a volunteer in church settings or people making you feel guilty when you can’t make church or bible study for example, It’s one female friend who every time I genuinely can’t make it says oh that’s so sad oh this or that… the MAIN female friend who has bi polar won’t stop inviting me to go out every weekend even when I say no or it’s not in my best interests to drink alcohol or waste money … she’s keeps pushing because I have said yes many times in the year prior … I take responsibility for having lose boundaries with her in the past but now to try make a bigger fence with her will be rough because I’ve know her years and years I’m age 38… known her 10-20years! It doesn’t help that both these female friends know all my trauma history and I do essentially trust them but maybe I tend to be kinder to people who have helped me heal or been there for me in some way in the past ? Because I grew up with verbal and emotional abuse from my parents and ex bfs I suspect my lack of healthy boundaries in some friendships or relationships started from that. I do set healthy boundaries with most people but find it harder with those closest to me!
What about if the person who is crossing your boundaries is your mother who have so many health problems and you are the only daughter she have and you have to take care of her ( specially in Eastern culture) you can not ignore your family or stop or reduced responding to them ..
Im bipolar, have schizophrenia, ADD, dyslexic, have learning disability, extreme anger issues, an if i set a boundary and its ignored i can't promise your health will be as good as it was when you violate that boundary 😊, but on 2nd note ppl usually if not respect my boundary they definitely don't attempt to step over it again without extreme caution 😂
Is it really a boundary when they themselves have violated your boundaries repeatedly with impunity and were undeniably the aggressors? I have lost the sense of reasoning I once had when calling for the exact same thing to absolutely and utterly no avail
I had an experience today where a neighbor said my coming too close to her door made her feel uncomfortable. She didn't tell me this then; she typed a note. Without real time feedback, How the hell am I supposed to know? Because she lives above, we have to occasionally interact. I don't know what her issues are. I think she has some man issues. I sometimes don't know which side of her I am going to meet. Any ideas?
If someone is doing something to you that you hate, you have the right to speak up about it. What is it women thinking they have the right to try to make me gay? It is insane.
People give me too much credit if they fear my literary writing. I've written some short stories, a few of them pretty good, but not good enough to get me stature as a great writer. I might get rid of my computer and concentrate on reading and writing, and the world will be safe from me.
You cant control other people and to think you can is both naive and arrogant. You may also be trying to control someone's nature in such a way that youre denying them the right to be themselves and they must change to suit your preferences. Some people are compatible and some people are not compatible. So move on and associate with those youre compatible with.
My boyfriend recently started bodyshaming me and calling me fatty .. i asked him to stop. He said that it is just a funny word and im not actually that fat..But i wanted him to stop calling me that..He promised me he would never call .. but then he repeated it the next day.. saying it was just for fun.. i told him again that i don't like it.. he again promised me that he won't call again.. guess what he repeated it two more times .. i'm done with this .. i keep telling him but he just won't listen.. he says its just a funny word and he likes calling it.. and there's no reason for me to be offended by it just because im not fat..😢.it seems like a silly problem.. but its sorta hurting me so much
It's not like I'm helpless and can't defend myself. But whatever. What is worse, I know what the sick game you're playing with me is. Do I have any reason to care, given what you are trying to do to me? It would be insane for me to care.
I'm sitting here saying "quit it, "cut it out", and "stop", and you go right on trying to force me to be gay. It's pretty underhanded what you're trying to do behind my back.
I also have a healthy boundaries workshop you can sign up for here: katimorton.com/boundaries
Hi Katie! i'm a first time mom with twins and my boundary setting struggle right now is with toddlers lol! Could you please do a video specific to this?
If you're taking requests I would like to suggest a video about why boundaries are a prerequisite that we need in order to give unconditional love. Thank you.
Help! This is emergency
I giving the DOODLE HOG Food Squishies Kit to Jocelyn Kaldas
But I broken the Boundaries
What should I do asap help 😫😫😫😫😫
No respect. No relationship. Don't settle. We got this.
When the words, "I'm not comfortable with this" are not respected.
Or you set a boundary and they get on the defensive and set a boundary with you instead...
My life. People suck. @@markoembarko9045
Your not comfortable so you walk off.
@@zion367 yeah and then they start following you around or getting physically aggressive 👌
Put a boundary in with a Narcissist like my Mum and expect the rage. Uphold the boundary and the rage and abuse increases. In the past I would crumble at the abuse and my entire life I have had no boundaries. But through therapy and watching your videos Kati I have become stronger and learning to ignore the tantrums, abuse and stand firm to my values and boundaries. If the abuse continues I make my exit and leave the chat/call/situation.
When I went into counseling, I didn’t even know what a boundary was!
I remember telling my mother that I didn’t want to hear her negative comments about my dad when she divorced him. Whew, things really went south with my relationship with my mom after that!
Hi Holly, how's your day going with you?
About that last sentence: "over time, those around you will learn to respect your needs". Sometimes they never do! If they are taking months and years to learn it, and constantly "forget" or just flip the blame on you when you are reinforcing your boundaries, they are being ABUSIVE. I had to reinforce my boundaries with my ex husband until the final reinforcing method was to leave him.
He would never adjust to one of my boundaries unless I gave in on some other boundary. It was SO awful and it took 16 years from me.
Anytime i tried to set a boundary with my family.
I would literally be launched at, or looked at as if i were insane.
No one respect my boundaries to this day.
Hence why I cut mine off. 🫤
Same or I would be called selfish! But we're in this together 🙏🏻
Same or it’s disrespectful
Maybe you were being a baby and everybody else knew it
@@JC-nt6pq aw projection. so cute
I ended a friendship because she would not honor my boundaries. She said I was harsh and snappy enforcing my boundaries. I have no regrets and it has been months.
Same thing happened with me too, but when I reminded her of the boundary, she just acted dumb. But it's been month now and I can now focus on my own mental health
Self compassion is what I lack in.
Many of us have been conditioned that way. Bosses, family, friends.....
I feel like my family has never heard of the concept of boundaries. Whenever I express that something makes me uncomfortable, I get laughed at, I get called overly sensitive, and if I try to enforce a boundary, they get offended and guilt me by saying I don’t care about them/love them.
I am glad you share this with us because now I know what to do when I set my boundaries every time people get angry at me because they don't like my boundaries I only have to learn how to stand stronger against some people not to get soft on them
I started giving everyone boundaries. I have become the bad guy. So be it. When one does not respect it. I cut the umbilical cord. I have no time for the nonsense anymore. Especially since I do not approve of any drama from anyone.
Same I will never let what happened to me happen again I won’t let anyone be mean to me and assholes I have learned after being set up and used and manipulated and led on by people I loved and cared about heartbreak they hurt me and affected me trauma I don’t trust people anymore and I can’t talk relationships have been ruined for me I don’t think I will ever be in one again I’m tired and over it and I’m so sad and very upset and depressed and miserable and not happy these weird things keep happening to me and I feel like it’s my fault and my bad decisions self destructive behavior that is causing me to have problems in my life I have so much people to blame I have a lot of issues I’m dealing with right now and I can’t get help for it because I’m not an adult I’m only 14 these people don’t know me and what I am going through I live a very sad miserable life I have a learning disability I don’t even know the meaning of words and money but they laugh at me and judge me and talk about me and make fun of me like they know me I really don’t give a fuck anymore it’s so hard because I have to deal with these people and see them until I can get away from them and cut them out of my life because they are a trigger for me I also feel like they don’t care about me and they want to get rid of me and they don’t want to look at me like the person that broke me and my heart but he is not even in my life anymore but I can’t get over him and I always get reminded of him and he is in my head and my weird dreams maybe he has problems that’s why he stopped talking to me and blocked me after everything he told me I don’t understand and get it if he was not interested in me why did he talk to me and reach out he is not the victim I did nothing to him to make him do what he did maybe he is confused about his feelings for me and he pushed me away and got scared but he is an asshole and I wish I never met him
I set boundaries with toxic family members. They tried to overstep them, so they got the good ol no contact and blocked. Im not putting up with their bs. Gossiping and dramatizing about my life and not allowing me to enjoy life. Blocking them allowed me to be myself without judgment.
I have had such a problem with people not respecting me or my boundaries and now I can clearly see why.
I have a lot to fix i my life but this is the first step.
So thank you for making this video
I was in an intensive outpatient program at the beginning of this year and we worked on boundaries. My brother had recently gotten remarried and anytime I spoke with him I had to be on speaker phone and his new wife had to be present. He’s in his 60’s and me in my 50’s. We had never had a relationship like this. I felt like I needed to tell him things that were going on with me, but I didn’t feel comfortable sharing with her. I had a conversation with him expressing what I needed and while I understood that he felt like his wife needed to be part of our conversation, it wasn’t working for me. He told me he couldn’t do what I was asking. So, it seems like I sat a boundary and he had a boundary. Neither of us won. We haven’t spoken in 8 months.
At least your in your 50s and old enough to get help I’m only 14 dealing with my issues and problems still going to school and living with my family and my aunt because my mom died when I was 9 from cancer and I don’t really talk about her I have avoided her death and it’s been 5 years or 6 years I think I blocked it out of my memory I wish I could block other things out of my memory also the trauma and my bad past and not normal childhood and it’s so hard because I still have to see these people and deal with them till I’m 18 then I can push them away and cut them out of my life and get away from them I have been affected and hurt and taken advantage of and manipulated and used by people that I love and care about set up lied to led on heartbreak and I’m so sad and very upset and I’m stressed about it I have been through alot that’s what people don’t know I’m someone that has a learning disability I don’t even know the meaning of some words and money it’s sad I live a really sad miserable life and I blame people for my problems but I feel like it’s my fault and it’s because of my bad decisions that have cause me problems in my life my self destructive behavior but I really don’t trust people anymore and I can’t talk I’m very depressed and some days I don’t want to get out of bed and I don’t want to do anything but I will never let what happened to me happen again and I won’t let anyone be mean to me and assholes I have learned I know just laugh at those mean assholes and smile be confident I’m gonna start becoming someone else I really don’t give a fuck anymore
People don’t respect boundaries because social media taught everyone how to stare. Remember when you were a kid before social media and your parents would say it’s impolite to stare? Haven’t heard that one in a while.
I have a neighbor who jumped my fence three times. He would short out my electric horse fence. I went no contact and he stays on his side now. It was unbelievable. I don't like confrontation but I did it.
You learned about boundaries when you are a child at least you need to. Being someone whos boundaries were violated because of abuse sexual abuse was one of these ways I learned I wasn't a person but an object to be used how someone else saw fit. This wasn't the only type of abuse that I dealt with. Even the mental and Emotional abuse I also dealt left me wondering if I could be my own person.
I didn't even understand I had boundaries until I was in my thirties. I even I had to learn in my twenties that I was getting in other peoples spaces because I had no understanding of personal space. Boundaries are hard for me because I will respect others but it's hard to have others respect mine.
Hi Tracy, how's your day going with you?
Humans, most definitly, respect my bounderies. Nobody knows me. I know nobody. Nobody speaks to me. I speak to nobody. I am extremely independent and self-reliant. I depend on nobody, in a personal level. I should have become this independent long ago. It has improved my life tremendously.
Speaking to nobody doesn't sound healthy.
@@lisaschmidt8466 sometimes it’s healthier than the alternative. Sometimes we just need a break from people.
Every time my dad comes to visit my house, he obsesses over rearranging my entire garage (uninvited). ARGH. That’s just an easy example. Explaining the emotional boundary violations is much harder.
I think thats one of the MOST useful videos anyone can ever watch. So many people have boundary problems, either reinforcing them or accepting other people's boundaries. I would argue it's the root of 90% of all interpersonal conflict.
You explained it so well and the summaries and excersizes in between are super helpful!!
I love the example with the fence and our cows. We don't want our cows to die, so we HAVE to keep some people out!! Brilliant. I hope its okay if I make a "handout" with your bulletpoints, just for me to re-read (and maybe hang up on the wall lol).
So good. I needed the reminder that boundaries are not light switches, there's going to be a training period for both sides. I need to remember that breaking boundaries isn't malicious, they might need more training and my behavior, standing up vs giving in, is what's going to teach them. (I'm an instructor so this is how I relate to the tips.)
My problem is that I hardly have any boundaries at all (at least none that I can think of)
Boundaries with work are tricky because your boss is your boss. You need to listen to an extent
That's only true within the bounds of your employment contract. All else is optional
@@viceviolence well I think there’s something to be said about you can’t just say no to work because you want to.
@@maryandrews9160 but you can, unless you're breaching your employment contract
@@maryandrews9160 You can if you are ready to bear the consequences. Sometimes bosses ask you because it is easy for them to ask you first (and not find a different solution), sometimes they have a right to ask you. Depends on your contract, I'd say (bosses are not slave owners. You still have your own free will when it comes to your spare time).
Have options and a savings
Thank you! I have boundaries just have trouble enforcing them unless I am pushed into a corner. Then the assertive me comes out.
THEY know that, and it makes you look unhinged. Narcissists are master manipulators. They have gone through all the scenarios with "their" people. They literally have all the arguments with others in their heads, as if to practice for the big Parade.
This, " boundaries" stuff has created havoc in my family. My family is quite dysfunctional and my siblings have used boundaries as a weapon. It's turned off and on when needed. To have a boundary you also must be true to yourself about your shortcomings. I have a sister who unknown to me at the time had set boundaries with me without explaining why. She no longer was speaking to me and screened her calls with me. I finally asked why she doesn't speak to me any longer and she said that I keep speaking badly about my other sisters and it stresses her. But I know for a fact that she also speaks bad about them. Then recently found out that she was throwing mud about me to my other sisters. Just to be clear, I was talking to her about my other sisters because there is verbal abuse happening to myself and my 96 year old father. My sibling’s trauma doesn’t let them ever admit to having any faults . So trying to have a discussion with them leads to anger. they explode quite easily. Also, my sisters really don't like me 🤷🏽♀️ so they blame me for things that go wrong in the house. They criticize my every action. I live in constant fear and terror of what is coming! So foolishly, I thought I could speak to my sister who didn't live there, ( I haven’t move out for financial reason that occurred after my mother's death) Also, I thought we had developed a close bond. So when she was going through very difficult times I always gave her an ear and try to be a true sister. Now I found what I spoke in confidence to her she has told my sister in a bad way. Plus now, she only will speak with them. So I am the outsider. It broke my heart. So much betrayal. We will be selling my parents house and will be moving away from each other. Sadly, I plan to have no contact with them to get some kind of sanity in my life. Unfortunately, I will not know when my dad will pass away because he is moving with them. But, all this boundary stuff has been used by them to manipulate situations. It only works if you have a somewhat sane family.
Lately a “friend” told me my boundaries were absurd and overdone (it were boundaries as examples in this video) i moved away from them
Yes there toxic.
The first thing an abuser does when they meet an immovable object is attack. These critters are hopeless. And if you rely on them for ANYTHING, they will use it against you. Just impossible.
I agree with this video but the problem with some of these issues like assertiveness or setting boundaries is that they can be used out of context.
For example telling someone with entitlement issues or narcissism about assertiveness training is giving that person the green light to act on that out of context to the situation.
Regarding boundaries, people with the same mentality can weaponize that to avoid accountability. Ghosting someone for a petty or cruel reason in the name of "setting boundaries". Making accusations or remarks but then shutting down a response by "setting boundaries".
I see weaponized boundaries a lot. Especially people who don't adhere to their own standards. They say: "You can't talk to me when I am mad at you." (Which is not a boundary, because they focus on YOU not on themselves) but if you are mad at them, they ignore that. They can jump into your convo but you are supposed to never enter any (public) communication of theirs etc.
@@blauespony1013 yes I've seen it many times myself which is why I commented. I guess it falls into a similar category of playing the victim. Yes there are genuine victims out there, many in fact, but some people like to use those techniques to manipulate for their own advantage.
And it's not apparent to those outside of the situation. Setting boundaries can easily fall into that category.
@@lennoxwasbest7587 you coulda helped everyone here much. much more (and got more Empathy from them) if you woulda simply been more specific.
Your point about "weaponization, i believe is valid, yet you were too Vague about things.
You say above that its "not apparent to those outside of the situation." Far better to recount the specifics of that, and let the people decide. If they can "see it", they'll be more likely to side with you.
Someone else put it a different way:
A boundary is not: "X makes me uncomfortable." That is a (valid) emotional reaction.
A boundary IS: "X will make me leave." That is a cause-and-effect statement.
Clear communication with consistent follow-through works wonders.
The fence example was so good
They always need to find an excuse to break your boundaries, even if its from something that isn't related, they try to exaggerate something harmful w you, and stereotype you bc they don't value your boundaries.
I wish I would have seen this before I wasted three years with a boyfriend that didn't respect my boundaries while demanding his were.
time as a basic boundary is a good one...
i tell my brother that i go to bed at 10pm... he calls it "beauty sleep" and mocks me for it.
( as he walks the street at night because the world is falling apart , that everyone is "asleep" and doesn't see the "real" world" , that he is "awake" and if he stays still "they" will get him)
it has been nearly 5 years.. nah... he still doesn't respect the boundary.
so instead i just have to pretend he is already dead... that way i dont feel guilt... about not being to help him with his undiagnosed ... whatever... he is going through.
another fun one is when the boundary is, we do not accept alcohol in the house when he is visiting..
oh man.. we are "abusive" and "abandoning" him by not letting him drink a bottle a day when he is visiting.
on his own he can burn his allowance on liquor ( yes he still gets an allowance from our parents, frankly it is just enabling him.)
it is a boundary i enforce and he literally ran away into the woods and walked back home 100miles.. took him a week.
he would rather do that than respect an alcohol boundary.
oh.. he is not testing resolve.
he is looking for more reasons to be the victim of his circumstances instead of seeking help for his circumstances. he(the world of his delusions anyway) seems to do it to feed his world view.
I have one question: What exactly is the boundary you are setting?
"I go to bed at 10pm" - will he disturb your sleep or "just" mock your habit? Because if he just mocks it, he is respecting the boundary (as he is not disturbing you).
If your boundaries is "Don't mock my sleep ritual", that one he is not respecting. Did you ever tell him how it makes you feel?
And your rule was "no alcohol in my house". Did he bring any into it? No. So again: Boundary accepted. He just did not stay at your place and that is his choice. Otherwise your boundary's aim would be to make him do something he does not want you. And THAT is a weaponized boundary.
@@blauespony1013 didnt really seem like you were asking questions. Seemed like you were dismissing his situation and putting your own labels on it.
@@blayzeon Oh, I get that OP is annoyed. But being annoyed doesn't make you right. You can't tell another person to "not drink" because that is controlling not a boundary. You can say "if you drink I won't spend time with you" or "I won't invite you over if you keep drinking".
So yeah, the type of boundary that was set here makes a big difference.
I appreciate you. This was very helpful.
Thank you
Do your best and it will get easier with practice.
Love this video and the format too. Thank you Kati for helping me to work on my boundary setting.
Thank you for the video. It's always helpful to have a reminder that it's ok to reinforce my own boundaries
Great video as always
Narcissistic family.
When my BPD mom spends time with my narcissistic brother, I can tell. 😮 my mom’s attitude changes - from grateful and loving to treating me like I am hired help.
When I point this out, they set a boundary that I am not allowed to
mention my brother. 😮
They response with a boundary.
I like the farm/cow analogy you used 🐄🐄
Pushing the boundaries = getting robbed
One time this girl told me that they had been trying to make me gay for a couple of years before they came out and did it in the open. They didn't bother to ask me if I wanted to be gay. It was pretty manipulative. I don't want to be gay. It someone else wants to that's fine, but don't go around trying to force me to be gay.
Oh wow I can kind of relate everyone knows I’m gay well they think I am and I got heartbroken by a guy he probably thought I was but yet he reached out to me and tried talking to me and being my friend and he set me up and led me on and used me he was never interested in me I wish I knew because I would have talked to him about it but he hurt me and I’m very sad and upset because I let him do what he did to me and I can’t get over him and stop thinking about him and get him out of my head and he is in my weird dreams he doesn’t even care about me and love me he wanted to get rid of me and not look at me that is what he did but it’s hard for me to set boundaries because I get afraid of being made fun of and laughed at and called names he has problems he is an Aries masculine I think very impulsive he is an asshole these guys are and jealous envious of me and haters insecure they don’t know me and what I am going through like I have a learning disability I don’t even know the meaning of words and about money I’m not like them I live a sad miserable life and they just take advantage I just want to be happy again and be in a relationship with someone that checks on me ask me how I’m doing wants to make plans and hang out and they are interested and they care about me and love me and they keep me away from the drama and all of this and we have a connection this person understands what I’m going through and they are honest with me they are not mean to me and they don’t play with me and they actually want to show me that they care and like me and want to be my friend and they are interested if not then they are out of my life
You can't make a person gay or straight. This is dumb
People do respect my boundaries because I don't have any Needs or Wants that anyone else can satisfy anymore. Therefore I will not allow anyone else in my life experience again because Friendships and Relationships are weapons that allows others to do critical damage to my Soul. Therefore I will not be able to make the connections with anyone that is not worth the effort or time to understand
Eh you could also just learn to identify green flags and red flags. It’s not easy but I recently made a best friend that way. Had to go through 30+ people to find her but I would do it all again.
Good friends are amazing to have.
I can relate to this especially the workplace example but also the first example about people coming to me for advice . I’m like the “on call “ therapist with people ❤
I’ve set exactly 2 boundaries in my life - let me know when you’re coming in the day before, and don’t talk bad about my mom. Neither boundary was respected by my father. And that, guys, gals, and theys, is exactly why I’m moving away from him. Some people never will respect your boundaries, and those people aren’t worth your time.
Thank you! I feel seen! Bless You!
This video is mostly correct but the examples are inconsistent with what Kati is saying, which could lead to confusion. Kati is correct in the sense that boundaries concern your own behavior and not that of the other. As such a boundary can always be be guarded by yourself by *saying no, not doing something, or by taking oneself out of a situation* (e.g. walking away). People are only able to not respect your boundaries if you do not respect them yourself by not guarding them. Remember your boundaries are your responsibility, no one else's, and you control who crosses them.
In the first example Kati says that Sarah set's a boundary by telling her family that she isn't available after 8 p.m. However, this is NOT setting a boundary, because Sarah clearly was available after 8 p.m. If she would have set a boundary she would have not picked up the phone, or even better turned it of after 8 p.m. If she would have done that no one would have been able to cross her boundaries because she took responsibility of guarding her boundaries. What Sarah did is request from her family to guard her boundaries by not contacting her instead of guarding her boundaries herself. Interestingly Sarah's sister did set a boundary by not being made responsible for Sarah's boundaries and just calling. See how Sarah's sister did *not do something* (not changing her behavior), while Sarah did NOT *not do something* (picking up the phone).
It is somewhat similar in the second situation. John's boss making the request is not John's boss not respecting John's boundaries. If John takes responsibility of guarding his own boundaries he will simply *say no* to his boss and no boundary is crossed. Just like the sister in the first example the boss does set a boundary by not being made responsible for John's boundaries.
As for the third example, here Kati concludes a lot about the other person's internal motivation. Very few people will actually do this. It is far more likely that the other person just forgot, and only needs a reminder. Generally people have good intentions, they are far less busy with you than you think they are so they forget (same might hold for the boss and the sister btw).
So what if you do say no, or not pick up your phone and someone is still trying to get you to do something or not leaving you alone. In that case *take yourself out of the situation*. End the conversation, close the door, walk away. Be consistent, take responsibility, every single time.
Thanks for all your videos and thoughts. A great help, although I need something specialized... recently turned out I have quiet BPD and in a semi-relationship (so to say) with someone having a more serious one. I seek help but here it's impossible to find specialist, and private sector has such prices an average person cannot afford especially in the long term...
I out of ideas, and now all the world is falling apart.
I took all pain for both of us because I thought I deserve nothing but more pain... but I'm close to giving it up.
You're going to respect my boundaries.
If this is a clue, I don’t know what’s going on. I’m literally by myself.
My mum insists that I message her when I’m going somewhere - I’m 30 years old and I don’t do it because I KNOW I don’t need to. She does it because she cares about me and she always says “you don’t care about me when you just go somewhere without telling me” and she gets very emotional. How do I deal with this?
Does she insist on news every time? Like daily?
Your need is: You need your privacy.
Her need is: She wants to be sure you are safe. Or maybe she is lonely and is reaching for you.
I think you can find a solution that works for both of you? Like calling her at certain times or something? Try to negotiate with her for something that will make her know that you are safe without you having to call her any time (it is her fear/loneliness after all, she is responsible for her own feelings). Tell her that you will not call her everytime because you need your privacy, too, but you will call her twice a week and tell her about your life or something (and in a year you just call once a week or something ...).
(Btw. "you don't care about me" is a little manipulative ... she is playing the blame game).
What is "go somewhere without telling me"? Is that going round to the shops, away for a weekend or off on a trip? I think that will tell you a lot about her motivation. I have kids about your age and they tell me when they will be away for a few days and I do the same for them as a courtesy. If she is complaining about you going out with friends for dinner or something, that is a bigger issue and could be more about seeking control over your life. Maybe make it mutual, if either of you is traveling the other will send one text a day just so you know things are okay and that is the boundary. Good luck with it.
This was great. Thank you!
Setting boundaries is indeed a challenging but crucial aspect of maintaining healthy relationships. Here are some practical tips for setting and maintaining boundaries effectively:
1. Identify Your Limits: Reflect on what is important to you and where you feel uncomfortable or stretched in your relationships. Knowing your own limits is key to setting boundaries that align with your values and well-being.
2. Communicate Clearly: Clearly express your boundaries to others in a calm and assertive manner. Use "I" statements to convey your needs and expectations without blaming or accusing the other person.
3. Practice Self-Care: Prioritize self-care and self-awareness to recognize when your boundaries are being crossed. Take the time to check in with yourself regularly and make adjustments as needed.
4. Be Consistent: Consistency is key in maintaining boundaries. Stick to your boundaries and reinforce them with consistent actions and responses.
5. Seek Support: Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends, family, or a therapist who can help you navigate boundary-setting challenges and offer guidance when needed.
Remember, setting boundaries is a process that requires practice and patience. By valuing your own needs and respecting the boundaries of others, you can cultivate healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
Absolute .
My mother doesn't know boundaries! She is constantly trying to control me. I said no more talk of food or weight or we're not going to the family event.
I dont believe in repeating boundaries over and over. By repeating them we already let other people cross them again and we are crossing our own boundaries.
🎉 fantastic video
when i put up a boundary or remind them to respect my decision, they simply tell me how wrong i am n how horrible my 'behavior' is n if i point out what they did n y I'm setting this boundary, since they cannot point out my "bad behavior" after that, they point out my "tone of voice" even though they're the ones screaming at me ..... dealing with controlling narcissists is so tiring istg wats worse is that i still keep thinking I'm doing something wrong when they turn everything into a fight...... thank you for making this video
Thanks . This happens to me all the time
Your part of the problem why boundaries are gone... Social Media has exasperated the lack of social interactions and taught people that boundaries are meant to be broken.
11:08 min, Consider putting up No Trespass sign,s all over your property.
I think when you ask family not to say something to you and they still do. It’s because they don’t care about you and they know that phrase or name hurts you and that’s what they want. I had to say if you can’t listen to me, you will not see me or my children. Limited contact.
This happened before I made a big mistake with women: One time I went into a bookstore in a mall and the female manager came over, and we had what I took to be an enjoyable conversation. But then she abruptly ended the conversation and said, "We're all bad." At that point in time I was saying nothing like that about women. Then she went and got a security guard. I had done nothing wrong, so I didn't leave. The security guard couldn't lay a hand on me. After that, if I just stopped to watch the kittens across from the bookstore she went and got two security guards. I had done nothing to offend that woman in any way, but she was sure holding something against me. It was like I was supposed to cringe in awe when she walked by. I got a lot of that kind of treatment from women. At that point in time I had done nothing to offend them. I know a lot of guys that really don't like women, and some of them are doing quite well with them.
I’m always disrespected to the point of constant roommate domestic violence. I’m in financial ruin because of it. Then ppl blame me for being in the place I’m in. Any suggestions?
The Big Lessons that I am learning about Boundaries is that:
1. I must be persistent!
2. And remain alert. To see if they are:
A) hoping I have forgotten in a few weeks, or
B) if they will try to find some new way to "push the envelope".
For example:
suppose I want people who come over to take off their shoes. It's my house and I have that right.
I don't care about arguing that "its no big deal" (ANYTIME anyone says that, RUN. There will likely be 6 more things to drive you Nuts that are "no big deal", to them). cuz their shoes are clean." So they say. Too bad. I myself have been asked that at other people's house and I comply. My House, my rules. No one forced them to come over. They are free to leave. But lets TEST Boundaries some more. How do you feel about THIS scenario?---
A family member is riding with you in *your* car and you have the radio or a music CD on while driving.
Its music you really like, you always do this, everywhere. 4 blocks to the grocery store, a half-hour across town or 4hrs one-way on a road-trip.
...but they say the music sucks and to turn it off. Here is what I feel they would be likely to say, and my responses:
Them: Gawd, that music sucks. Shut it off.
Me: I like it --and this is my car.
Them: But I'm a "captive audience".
Me: That's the chance you take. Its the chance iiiii take when I'M a passenger in anyone else's car. NO ONE forced you to ride with me! And its my car. Would you tell me what TV channel to have on if you were in my house?
Them: Well, iiiii wouldn't do things like that. I'd shut if off it you were in my car."
Me: Maybe. But you would be within your rights either way. But even if you would: YOUR-CHOICES-DON'T-OBLIGATE-ME!
Them: well, you could have a little more consideration.
Me: iiii could? TWO replies to that:
#1. who is on who's "turf" here? When iiii'm the passenger, or a visitor at someone else's place, I do things *their* way. I show *them* consideration.
By the same token, they, or you, can show "consideration" and respect by doing the same for me! and second:
#2. What would I do if you weren't even here at all?
I'd enjoy the same music. I'd play it anyway. So what's different? Also,
why should I diminish my enjoyment any less, or stop being me, or inhibit myself, just because you are here?
Them: That sounds selfish. 20 minutes without your music wouldn't kill you.
Me: And 20 minutes of hearing it won't kill you, either.
I am totally within my rights when it's in my house, on my property or in my car. Just like you are.
Them: Gawd, I hate driving with you.
Me: I can stop the car. You are free to go. No one ever forced you at all. One more thing---
suppose i *did* give them their way on this bit with the radio. How soon would it be before they found 6 other ways and situations for me (or you) to be more "considerate" ? You get to be "courteous" but they will never admit to trying to be "manipulative", ON YOUR TURF, will they?
If all they have to worry about is when they are in your car, in your house or on your property, they don't have it very bad at all. So, quit bitching.
It is always transanctional with these critters. So just treat them as a client. They understand that
It's their own intrusive behavior
You are the ones invested in me failing to keep my boundaries. You're being insane.
❤❤❤ thank
everything in this video is so true!
Happens so much with my parents esp my Mother. They attempt to be overly controlling and they have a I don't care about your boundaries we're your parents attitude. Reason why I have "low contact with them".
This video is perfect. Some call that "exposure" adequate, however I do not like that technique works at all. I do not think that ever worked.
Most people are users. That's their homework and problem if they want access. Person #3 is asking to be booted from your life imo.
Kudos girl 👍😎
Some cultures have zero respect for boundaries, it becomes difficult to engage with such people.
You told the men, "let us handle this guy. We're going to tear him a new one." I'm a sigma male. A sigma male is a philosopher, and he doesn't have much against anyone, but if you really piss him off he systematically destroys you."
I already have a hard time answering the quiz questions... There's an empty desert in my mind, trying to work with them. Seems like I don't know where my most basic boundaries are... I have 0 boundaries, due to my worthlessness I feel about myself. And that makes kinda sense, because I always recognize that boundaries have been crossed a few hours, days or weeks later. I feel like I'm several steps behind and that's scary. How can I get better with it? I'm confused
Boundaries. Disrespect mine it is what it is spin the wheel take a chance. Disrespect my wife, my kids, my grandkids that's gambling action no casino or prison shark will take. I will die on the hill many times over for my family, and have no regrets doing it. I may not survive said battle, but I guarantee the one I am fighting won't either. #teamwolfpack #thatisall
Hi Kati, I don’t know if you will see this, but I’ll give it a try. I have someone in my life who either walks away or gives me the silent treatment while I’m trying to resolve a fight we’re having.
They don’t talk te me anymore, I’m trying to figure out what is going on but all I get is empty stares… When they do finally tell what’s going on I’m trying to think of a solution for the next time, or trying to let them see that it could have gone differently if they just communicated their feelings with me.
I know some people need time before they can resolve the problem. I tried resolving this by letting them come to me when they felt like they could talk again. But this didn’t seem to work.
I don’t like the silent treatment and they always say I’m blaming them for everything while really all I’m trying to do is resolve the issue, find a solution for the next time and make them aware that communication is very important.
How do I set a boundary for something like this… I don’t wanna be ignored, left alone with my emotions (because I get really sad when I don’t feel heard, understood and left alone in a rude way by them) it’s draining me…
Desperately I need of advice,
Megan
Thank you for such an informative video. I have a question.
I teach post graduate students and my long time problem is maintaining the right amount of friendliness with the students. I laugh for their jokes, share my experience and sometimes my life stories with them in informal gathering. I also told them clearly that they can't expect this at classes and they must know to respect their teachers as teachers when in a formal set-up. Lately, I'm seeing them overdoing the greetings when they see me in corridors (in a funny way or like "watch me! I'm respecting you") and still approach me as a friend though some are resisting it. I thought i will reapond everything with a stern/pocker face so they will step back a little. I don't know if i had to stay put with this. How do i act so that i have the right amount of friendliness and strictness as other colleagues of mine do? Where have i gone wrong? Maybe, i should not have let them in so much the very first time. Kindly advice me in this regard.
I have a friend who thinks I'm sensitive for setting a boundary just because I just need time with friends I don't see often and he calls constantly whenever he feels like it or even calls during my appointments so I had to turn my phone off but he thought I was ignoring him.
I do agree with a lot of this in the video but I would feel like someone just coming over to my property without permission I'd call the police for trespassing 😂
Kati can we have a video on how to set healthy boundaries in friendships for example a friend who always wants to go out clubbing or out in general and I don’t want to or I want to go to gym after work and save money and new healthy as in not clubbing every weekend or going to the local pub.. also I don’t really want to drink alcohol anymore either and she seems to not get that. Also can you do a video on setting boundaries at work and in relationships. Even settings boundaries on being a volunteer in church settings or people making you feel guilty when you can’t make church or bible study for example, It’s one female friend who every time I genuinely can’t make it says oh that’s so sad oh this or that… the MAIN female friend who has bi polar won’t stop inviting me to go out every weekend even when I say no or it’s not in my best interests to drink alcohol or waste money … she’s keeps pushing because I have said yes many times in the year prior … I take responsibility for having lose boundaries with her in the past but now to try make a bigger fence with her will be rough because I’ve know her years and years I’m age 38… known her 10-20years! It doesn’t help that both these female friends know all my trauma history and I do essentially trust them but maybe I tend to be kinder to people who have helped me heal or been there for me in some way in the past ? Because I grew up with verbal and emotional abuse from my parents and ex bfs I suspect my lack of healthy boundaries in some friendships or relationships started from that. I do set healthy boundaries with most people but find it harder with those closest to me!
The podcast version of your sessions are still not working. Just FYI
What about if the person who is crossing your boundaries is your mother who have so many health problems and you are the only daughter she have and you have to take care of her ( specially in Eastern culture) you can not ignore your family or stop or reduced responding to them ..
Im bipolar, have schizophrenia, ADD, dyslexic, have learning disability, extreme anger issues, an if i set a boundary and its ignored i can't promise your health will be as good as it was when you violate that boundary 😊, but on 2nd note ppl usually if not respect my boundary they definitely don't attempt to step over it again without extreme caution 😂
Is it really a boundary when they themselves have violated your boundaries repeatedly with impunity and were undeniably the aggressors? I have lost the sense of reasoning I once had when calling for the exact same thing to absolutely and utterly no avail
I had an experience today where a neighbor said my coming too close to her door made her feel uncomfortable. She didn't tell me this then; she typed a note. Without real time feedback, How the hell am I supposed to know? Because she lives above, we have to occasionally interact. I don't know what her issues are. I think she has some man issues. I sometimes don't know which side of her I am going to meet. Any ideas?
Because a lot of people are infantile adults? 😂 like I don’t really have a problem with this with mature people.
I tried to set one and was told I just wanted to have attention.
If someone is doing something to you that you hate, you have the right to speak up about it. What is it women thinking they have the right to try to make me gay? It is insane.
People give me too much credit if they fear my literary writing. I've written some short stories, a few of them pretty good, but not good enough to get me stature as a great writer. I might get rid of my computer and concentrate on reading and writing, and the world will be safe from me.
You cant control other people and to think you can is both naive and arrogant. You may also be trying to control someone's nature in such a way that youre denying them the right to be themselves and they must change to suit your preferences. Some people are compatible and some people are not compatible. So move on and associate with those youre compatible with.
You can only set the boundary of not being cheated on once per relationship, so that's not very effective.
My boyfriend recently started bodyshaming me and calling me fatty .. i asked him to stop. He said that it is just a funny word and im not actually that fat..But i wanted him to stop calling me that..He promised me he would never call .. but then he repeated it the next day.. saying it was just for fun.. i told him again that i don't like it.. he again promised me that he won't call again.. guess what he repeated it two more times .. i'm done with this .. i keep telling him but he just won't listen.. he says its just a funny word and he likes calling it.. and there's no reason for me to be offended by it just because im not fat..😢.it seems like a silly problem.. but its sorta hurting me so much
That is OK when they mentally healthy
When they not... You need Fortress to hold them out... And personal emotional mental SPINE...
Your"boundarie" is that I can't refuse to be gay. That's is NOT a boundary. It is an unreasonable demand.
It's not like I'm helpless and can't defend myself. But whatever. What is worse, I know what the sick game you're playing with me is. Do I have any reason to care, given what you are trying to do to me? It would be insane for me to care.
Its that hard for people just to not answer there phone?
I'm sitting here saying "quit it, "cut it out", and "stop", and you go right on trying to force me to be gay. It's pretty underhanded what you're trying to do behind my back.
I don’t like when men take all the power in a relationship and leave you with no say about anything.