Brandon's Cult Movie Reviews: STAR CRYSTAL
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- Опубликовано: 6 май 2024
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Can't decide if you wanna rip-off "Alien" or "E.T."? Just be like the movie "Star Crystal" and do both!
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Y'know I kinda wish we had more 'hybrid' knock-offs: How bout' a combo of "Home Alone" & "Jurassic Park" where a kid rigs his house with traps to fend off dinosaurs? Or a mix of "Rocky" & "Jaws" where Sylvester Stallone has to box a shark?
I would Kickstart any of those as long as Keith David and David Keith starred in them.
Or Predator and Creature from the Black Lagoon, where a group of military go to a mission in the Amazon and have to fight Gill man
A Star Wars knock-off that is also a King Kong 1976 knock-off.
Stars a giant ape fighting spaceships.
Yo is that et on the thumbnail
Godzilla Minus One gave us Jaws and Jurassic Park in a Godzilla movie
If Gar were scattered all over space it would make a Garfield.
Xenomorph: "I'm sorry for killing all your crew mates and turning their bodies into eggs, Ripley. Think we can still be friends?"
No problem Xeno. I'll make some lemonade & get the checker board!
Ripley: "Oh, I think there's ANOTHER way to make it up to me..." [activate sci-fi-ish porno music]
@@louisduarte8763 Sadly, there's probably already a r34 of that out there somewhere...
@@PeteTheGrouch Ever since people could make 2nd life models pose, it only got worse when 3d modeling became easier to mesh the xeno eggs with uh certain parts and have the face huggers crawl out between the legs.
@@PeteTheGrouchThere is...
This movie is what happens when you mix up 2 acts of an Alien knockoff script with the final act of an ET knockoff script.
What about "Pod People?"
I think it would have worked better if it was a cross between ET and Predator, like, an alien kid gets lost on earth and befriends human kids, but the government chases them, meanwhile the alien father looks for his son while kills a lot of people
@loschrodproductions4519 Metal. That movie is somehow very 80's and 90's at the same time.
"ET phone...DEATH!!" 👽💀
"What does Gar need with a starship?" Great line given the context. 😂😂
And it was 3 years before the Star Trek V movie asked a similar question.
This is the first time I actually watch that the horror plot twist at the end was the friends we made along the way
also the end credits say, FILMED ENTRIELY IN SPACE
I suppose it is technically correct.
Damn, talk about location filming!
@@MrDj232 Oh, yeah, you're right. The Earth IS in space.
Eh, it was funnier when "Moonraker" did it.
@@ConstantineFurman You mean when Roger Moore was filling Louis Chile's space?
The real horror was the friends we made along the way.
"Whitesnake groupie" and "space fudge" got me. Comedy gold.
The characters' befriending Gar might seem out of place, but if an intelligent alien creature killed three crewmates, I'd probably play buddy-buddy too in order to not get killed.
Perfectly logical response
Good point
That’s actually a pretty good point
"What does Gar need with a starship?". That quote alone is deserving of a like.
Now I need to know more about "the Gling".
“…drank lemonade and played checkers”
I don’t know, I had him pegged as a 40k man myself.
You had me at "I had him pegged".
Trancers? That's the machine from Airplane 2, they're still trying to figure out what it does besides have the lights go back and forth.
That last line.... "why is he such a jerk?" Such writing.
For those interested, Olympus Mons is NOT a crater on Mars. It's actually a shield volcano. In fact, the largest volcano in the entire solar system.
A SHIELD volcano? Is it run by Nick Fury?
How do you measure the height of a volcano on a planet that hasn't got a sea level? 🤔
@@Takeshi357 from the base.
@@TurboLoveTrain Yeah but where is that
The thing about Olympos Mons is that the land area it takes up so large that "do you take the curvature of the planet into account?" is a valid question too
@Takeshi357 at that point, it's a safe bet it is in fact, the largest (observed).
I remember watching this as a kid and having a wtf moment when the alien turns friendly. It's like it was part 80s horror creature feature and part kid's movie.
Ok, this was definitely one of the weirdest endings to a horror film I've ever seen.
"They had us in the first half, not gonna lie" the motion picture
Still waiting for that “Metalstorm: the Destruction of Jared-Syn” review.
It'll happen...eventually...
@@TheBrandonTenold Promises. Promises🥱
I saw that in the theatre!!
The fictitious Movie in the new Fall Guy movie is Metal Storm, and it kind of is a bit of a tribute, it doesn’t have the dude with the cool acid spitting arm though
L.I.L.Y. CAT had references not only to Alien, but some from The Thing(1982) as well
I got some big "Leviathan" vibes from that one.
...he already covered that exposition-fest, though.
When the white goo dripped out of the egg, I thought "yeah, he's done". Time for a cigarette.
Awesome, "Star Trek V", reference. 100 cool points for perfect usage! "Why does Gar need a spaceship"? Sweet.
I remember my friend telling me years ago about how this destroyed sooo many careers
You're telling me "The Gling" would've been a superstar if not for this movie?
The Gling? Maybe a star, but not a superstar like The Bling
@@TheBrandonTenoldYou didn't hear? The Gling was tragically killed in a drive-by shooting. The suspect was widely believed to have been The Bling, an up-and-coming rapper with whom they were involved in a copyright infringement lawsuit.
I saw this at the theatre when I was 15, I was mildly entertained.
"I was mildly entertained" should be a quote on the Blu-Ray.
@@TheBrandonTenold I love the crystal Mcguffin the alien has. That's one of the best Mcguffins I've ever seen "while the crystal is an advanced computer the alien uses when confronted with a problem" (from wiki). No shit that crystal fixes ALL plot holes! Hack control of the ship (crystal got you covered!), Meteor storm (crystal got you covered!), Need to cut commination (crystal got you covered!), Need to learn about the Bible (crystal got you covered!), convert Alpha-7 into a ship (crystal got you covered!) . Maybe most abused Mcguffin ever ??
the design of the spacecraft makes it feel like a prequel to comedy series Red Dwarf.
If so: Was the Red Dwarf model made with packing carton with styrofoam cups?
@@LarixusSnydes That would have been too expensive for the original BBC red dwarf budget.
That's one thing I miss about the video store you would see the cover of some of these videos and they'd look real good but you had to take a chance sometimes you got a masterpiece sometime you got crap.
So did Sturgeon's Law apply?
I grew up in a small town which never had a video store that lasted for long.
I wonder how many people were disappointed when they saw the alien in this movie and it didn't look like the cover?
Hollywood should be remaking THESE movies, and making them actually match what was promised on the box art.
I miss the adult movie section they would hide behind curtains. But hey, we all miss different things.
'What does Gar need with a starship' indeed...
I bet James Cameron shit himself when he saw he had this as competition.
he shit himself from laughing.
Shit himself with laughter maybe.
It's different than when he saw Ferngully and blue a load.
@@JohnnyBurnes 😈
Alien with ET is a thing, imagine the other way around: ET with a Xenomorph
Hey there's a robot Chicken sketch about that
@@Boomerjojo79 didn't know that! I'll search for it!
@@Boomerjojo79Seen it
Chicken kicks butt.
"ET with a xenomorph" is actually a thing as well
XTRO
look it up
We'll call it TE
Living in the mountains near Vegas, it looks like home. So you're not far off.
"What does Gar need with a starship?"
OK he def got me with that one. Well played!
Coke did try to sponsor everything back in the 80's. They were at war with Pepsi.
The war ended after Michael Jackson's hair caught on fire while filming a commercial for Pepsi. *At least thats how I remember it.
In the Jacksons tv miniseries it showed that the Pepsi contract was their abusive father's last attempt at trying to manage the group. Michael didn't want any part of the deal but his mom talked him into it. Then of course the accident happens.
Talk about "family stuff".
nah, they continued to battle even after that. pepsi paying off celebrities continued on
And this is why we don't need that much hairspray boys n girls
Oh my god. this movie. I picked it up at a used video/CD/Record store on VHS.
It took me FOREVER to get through since i kept falling asleep watching it. Better than Melatonin gummies.
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back: I think George Lucas is gonna sue somebody 4:23
a recent episode of "The Lower Decks" has named that machine "Tucker Tubes"
As far as I know it is the machine's only name.
Was that the one where they added a third tube named after chief engineer Billips?
"Livik!"
Cronenberg handshake....Classic.
Oh, and Brandon, you should do GOR
3:00 - Yeah, Coke would sponsor anything in the Eighties, as they had lost so much market share with New Coke and had a lot of catching-up to do.
I guess the 80's really were the 'coke' decade.
Did they pay in money or just hand out the leftover reserves from when Coke actually had coke in it?
@@MrDj232 Bill Cosby was their spokesman back then. I'm sure some Coke had drugs in it at some point.
"crystal of the star" song (or whatever it's called) rejoin "against the ninja" to the pantheon of best song in bad movie... i guess
Against the Ninja is a masterpiece, how dare you!
I listened to it and honestly The Words Get Stuck In My Throat
15:26 IT'S THE USELESS MACHINE FROM AIRPLANE II: THE SEQUEL!!!!
That long light thing was pointed at by Shatner in airplane 2!
And we STILL don't know what it does!
@@jakarnilson at least it flashes in order now.
Airplane 2 also had those laser bars too lol
Looking at the thumbnail "ET Phone a doctor!"
I actually enjoyed the pseudo-Disney end song....but yeah, this one is all over the place
For a second? I read "Dark Crystal", and got very excited.
Now I'll have to settle for moderately excited instead...
I'm still waiting for the day Brandon will review The Dark Crystal
Would like to see him review a rip-off/mockbuster of The Dark Crystal.
@@nicholaslienandjaja1815 I don't think that exists
@@loschrodproductions4519 Does the Netflix series not count?
@@MrDj232 no, since it's a legit follow up and not a rip off. A very good follow up by the way
I know I was joking when I made the "E.T. must assimilate you!" comment on the community post, but wow, the last act of this movie literally turned into "E.T.". Kind of an odd one here, the first half is basically a traditional "Alien" knockoff, but after all the blood and carnage, the movie becomes lighthearted and the monster turns friendly for no reason. Seeing this was made in 1986, I wonder if creative process involved something that has the first half of "Coca-Cola", minus the Cola.
Coke is what most people remember about the eighties, and the drink too.
When you wanted a straight forward horror movie, instead you get a movie with an identity crisis
15:45 Didn't expect a Star Trek: The Final Frontier reference 😂
Tentacles? I've seen enough Hentai to know where this is going.
Honestly, Star Crystal sounds like a cool title for a movie, but a low-budget movie that got to be released in theaters now that's something in the 80s
I think a cool rip off alien movie with a twist is the alien isn't evil.
The alien would be the equivalent of a child or teenager in terms of age and mental maturity. When the space crew find the alien it's an orphan and was floating through space after their parents send them away on the equivalent of a lifeboat spacecraft.
Have the deaths be explained away to difference in biology.
One example being the alien bones are three times or four times as dense so a simple hug is like being in the death grip of an anaconda.
The first half of the movie would be from the pov of humans and it's a horror movie. The humans think they are being slaughtered by violent psychopathic alien with superhuman abilities and are trying to defend themselves.
The second half be a pov of the alien and it's tragedy of scared child or teen who just lost it's parents days ago, and now fighting for its survival due to a misunderstanding.
"Lieutenant Whitesnake Groupie" - that's the kind of weird statements (that somehow makes sense) that makes me love your videos!
What a wholesome ending!
Just what every sci-fi/horror movie needs.
The twist is actually very beautiful
The alien in the numb nail looks like it is about to sneeze.
17:32 Are those plastic Solo cups glued to the outside of that ship?
That machine with the red lights was in Aeroplane 2
Awesome. Trapped on a ship with a snot monster.
Looks like the ending creature from the "I have no mouth and I must scream" game.
i tell you this: if you hadn't pointed at the Falcons, i wouldn't have noticed them 😅
How underwhelming
I was expecting a wall to wall bloodbath and instead got ET in Space
7:04 The energy you put into that line made me laugh really hard.
When I heard the ending song my brain immediately thought "Jem and The Holograms" but to find out it was goddang Daphne is even more wild.
The top of the spaceship looks like a bunch of spray painted bottles and cups
The 'how much harder do I have to grab your arm' line got me. Laughed my ass off
10:36
Personal foul on Mr. Tenold. Illegal reference of using the stereotypical type 15 yd penalty.
Good sign for the new Alien film that this video is the first time I’m hearing about it
New "Alien" flicks are like new "Terminator" movies at this point. Every time you see a trailer you're just like "Oh...another one huh?"
Ah man, I was hoping this was the Star Wars - The Dark Crystal cross over I’ve always wanted lol
This movie is a hybrid of Alien ET and the Things blended into one movie.
I'm glad you finally did this one ... I thought it was kind of strange at first but the final twist is unique to say the least .... Having the alien killing out of self preservation (a common trope) and then learning ethics and becoming a born against Christian is certainly an interesting development and is also more optimistic, ending with compromise and understanding rather than who blows who up the most ... A little like say "Robot Jox" "The Dark Crystal" or the two 'Lego Movies'. .... Yes, it's cheap but who would have financed a big budget movie with the same storyline? ....and the ballad ending is quite touching.
Hallelujah! Just got home from work and there iv a video from Mr Tenold!!! Thank you sir.
Great job as always, love your videos. Keep up the good work my friend.
Hi Brandon! I’ve been watching your content for a long time, my first video of yours that I watched was your review of the green slime and ever since then I was hooked! I wanna say I love your content and you’re my favorite film review channel!
Fresh and delicious content adding this one to my sleep playlist
Airplane II uses those same lights. Shatner even makes a joke about them if I recall.
Honestly the twist at the end could have worked if we saw the crewmate victims attack the alien first, then the alien retaliates and kills them, then at the end when the alien explains that it was scared and killed in self defense, it would make more sense. It wouldn't save the movie but it's something
That alien 👽 had a completely out of nowhere and unexpected face turn! Lol 😂😊
9:28 damnit! I've told sherry not to slime in her work clothes, and not on company time!
Passed this so many times in video store. Glad I sensed the farce was strong with this one!
The “machine” also makes an appearance in “The Last Starfighter” when Alex first talks to Grig. 🙂
The alien in this looks less like ET and way more like the Spice Pilot(s) in David Lynch’s DUNE. Love the trivia on Daphne, lol…
Always a great day when a new Brandon video drops.
Baywatch Running requires at least a C-cup, Brandon. Let's keep things scientifically accurate.
My God. I saw this when I was 10 at a friend's birthday party (my mates mum had no idea about age restrictions) and it scarred me for life at that tender age. I've been trying figure out what movie the was called for decades so I could revisit it but could never figure it out! What a nostalgia blast for me, thank you! 🙏
Thanks for the laughs and chuckles Brandon. You never fail to give me a lift when I need one!
When that first shrivelled body showed up did someone start singing the Psycho theme?
SERIOUSLY? That's 45 years old, now? That's depressing. Time sucks. God, I'm almost 40.
Fantastic. Great timing.
17:00 Now see, THIS is what AI should be used for. Allowing small creators to create a two-second, needlessly high-quality throwaway gag that they could never afford to hire out.
Also, yeah, I kind of like this one because the tonal shifts are just so bonkers. It's so bad it's good, to me.
There is a movie that sticks hard to the "Alien is only acting in self defense". The creature is super strong and nearly invincible but the military keeps trying to kill it and when it finds someone who isn't shooting at it, it tries to communicate with them.
I wish I could remember the name of it.
The Incredible Hulk?
@@kryptonianguest1903 Hah, nah. The main thing was that the alien could asexually reproduce and when they would kill it, it would hatch from an egg and retain all of it's memories.
Lieutenant White Snake groupie?
I wonder how many are old enough to remember that.
That alien reminded me of a cross between ET and the Eraserhead baby by way of John Carpenter.
Greatest twist ending I've ever seem. Actually GENIUS. That closing song, tho. I was weeping with emotion.
Entertaining commentary, fun to watch and listen too! Great job.
20 minutes went by, but it felt like 5 minutes. Not in the way that time flies by when you're having fun, but more like I forgot everything I just saw immediately. Or more like my brain was failing to connect each event to the next as it was happening. Whether I just developed short term memory loss, the movie was forgettable, or confusing. I couldn't give you a synopsis of what just transpired even if you asked me.
Now i really want you to review the terror within.
The claw, the sound, man this movie creeped me out as a kid
Good job Brandon now next video better be (the Willie's) 💯📜👈😺🤠
I did not expect the Christianity angle to come into play. Just having the alien negotiating with the last two would have worked, but instead they have this huge stretch of an explanation for it to suddenly change heart. It would have been more believable if it saw that passage as a framed picture on the wall of a crew member's room or heard them say it, but nope, it just uses a computer to investigate religion. It was a bold strategy and you can argue it did pay off.
Thank God it didn't read the old testament or they would have been screwed