WIBTA for divorcing my wife because she couldn’t handle me crying in front of her? Dusty Reacts!
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- Опубликовано: 2 окт 2024
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Dusty Thunder narrates stories from Reddit, follower submissions, and other sources and provides reactions.
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The fact that she not only felt uncomfortable that her husband got emotional but that she said “ she didn’t realize she was marrying a girl “ is a huge red flag. Yeah take this toxic behavior to therapy and see if the therapist can get through to the wife how awful it was to say that. If that’s just who she is and she can’t be shown that her husband is a human who is allowed to feel things then he should divorce her. I’m also really concerned that she didn’t have any reaction because “ humanity has done worse”. I mean that doesn’t make what was described any more heart breaking and I find it really concerning that she can’t understand that. This man has cried twice in their marriage. Twice! I can’t imagine what possessed the wife to lash out. Red flags for the wife everywhere.
They went to a torture prison. They learned the detailed, gruesome prison's history. Honestly, if I went to such a place with my partner, and he *wasn't* affected, I'd be concerned.
@@krh6239 absolutely true! I don’t get this lady at all.
@@krh6239I'm concerned that she had no reaction to this. I would be packing my bags yesterday and leaving. That woman is sick
I'm sorry but mocking or belittling someone for having emotions and empathy is evil. I've experienced it myself and it makes you feel like crap, especially coming from someone who's supposed to care about you.
Truth!
I’ve been belittled for it too, and I’m sorry you were made to feel that ❤
There is no way I could look at my partner with respect if they rejected my emotions like their wife did.
If I saw my husband crying, I would wrap my arms around him and knowing me, I would start crying too.
Same!! Im pulling him in my lap and were crying together!!!
That's because you're compassionate..... I couldn't imagine what this man went through reading this and seeing this. I know the history of pol pott. That man was horrible.... just horrible
Girl me too.
She's a huge 🚩 It's crazy to me that she didn't feel anything. She is toxic and won't be his safe place.
Sociopathic even! why did she accept going there then? did she just wanna see the photos out of morbid curiosity instead of taking it as a learning opportunity?
i often feel nothing in those moments as a protective thing due to abuse for over 15 years. it hits me later when i feel safe. she doesnt even have this kinda regulation...
@meirin5316 I didn't consider that. And while it's fine for her to maybe not have that capacity, she didn't need to belittle him for his. I am genuinely sorry for your experiences and thank you for sharing and providing that perspective. ❤
She has zero empathy & I couldn't live with a robot like that. Nope. Run OP & I hope you don't have kids.
She sounds like a sociopath. Who says how can you be sad about kids being brutally murdered when you don't know, who says that??????
The wife is a sociopath he needs to run. Also she will never respect him, and is probably planning on leaving him over this. Sounds like they don't have kids, which is good, she shouldn't be allowed around children. He deserves better.
This is not only about the OP crying. It's her lack of emotion about anything. That is the type of person they would hire commit these war crimes.
People talk about "toxic masculinity" but THIS is a prime example of toxic femininity, something that gets dismissed A LOT!
aye, I agree. Even other women deny that it's a real thing and that blows my mind.
Just wanted to pop in and try to be helpful. What you're describing IS the definition of toxic masculinity, and I'll do my best to explain. She's shaming him for being emotional because showing emotion is not what's expected of a masculine person or a "real" man. She's reinforcing a toxic expectation of masculinity.
Toxic femininity might be something like shaming her friend for not showing enough emotion about the pictures of kids because women are supposed to x, y, z.
The "masculinity" part doesn't refer to the person doing it, it refers to the expectation of others they are reinforcing.
I hope that clears it up!
@lynedwyer4093 I think it could still be argued that she's also displaying toxic femininity simply for the double standards. Then again, I'm only assuming she'd be angry if the roles were reversed and he wasn't respecting how she expresses her emotions. For all we know, she could truly be a sociopath who doesn't know how to feel or express emotions at all. I don't disagree with you on the definition of toxic masculinity at all, though.
There are systems in place that create expectations. In this case, the system is patriarchy and she is reinforcing toxic masculinity. Men need to be able to express their emotions in a healthy way without fear of judgment.
She’s a sociopath
NTA!
Your wife is callus and unfeeling. I don't think counselling can unring this bell. She has no empathy, and that is scary. I would divorce my partner if they behaved and treated me this way.
DEFINITELY NTA. Wife for sure is though. I had the BS than men aren't supposed to cry. My late father was career military and he said it takes a MAN to be able to cry. He raised my brother and I that way. My husband is a big tough plumber and he's not afraid to cry. I wouldn't want someone to hold that in. She's a TOTAL POS
Men are human too, and also have feelings. If a man especially your husband is someone you want to have feelings! Otherwise how can you have a loving and commited relationship. This woman is heartless!!
It's not even about that. How on earth does she feel nothing about visiting such a horrible place? That worries me even more. I think she's psychopathic or sociopathic. I'm literally afraid of her. She's the type to do that harm to others.
NTA. Lets ne blunt. Your wife is a terrible person and a terrible partner. MANY women love men who are emotionally mature and can feel comfortable with expressing emotions. Go find her. This woman is one chip away from a robot.
Her lack of empathy and concern in the museum itself is one of the biggest red flags to me. Holy moly!
Personally I have more respect for men who are willing to cry. This goes for my father, brothers, and other men around me. There are so many people (men and women) who think like her and it makes the epidemic of men not showing emotion worse.
Jeez... imagine if the genders were reversed. We'd be telling the woman to run because that behavior is emotionally abusive. Getting upset about crying then not communicating about it for a week just to call him a woman? Not okay. If she hasn’t always been like this, it makes me wonder if there's something else going on that’s going to come out in therapy.
This comment is unnecessary. No one said this woman's behave was ok.
Its even more concerning that after him crying she though it normal to be incredibly rude and disrespectful to him. Like she can be aggressive with him and make him cry.
I'm pretty sure just about having anyone would cry if they had gone there. The atrocities done by the Khmer Rouge were horrific. The question shouldn't be what's wrong with him crying, the question should be what's wrong with her for not crying. She's heartless! I wonder if any of their neighbors pets have turned up missing or dead?
I wouldn't frame it as there being something wrong with her for not crying. I'm sure plenty people do not, different people will deal differently with those horrors.
But crying is of course a valid and normal reaction and she seems very callous and empathy-less for not understanding that and even making a big deal out of it afterwards.
@@annoyedkitten4964 it's not that she didn't cry it's that it wasn't obvious to her why he was crying and if it was she was intentionally giving him looks and showing her discomfort with his natural normal emotions to the situation. Her actions at best show lack of empathy and compassion. Her down playing the horror of what those people experience is what seals the fact that she is a deeply disturbed person.
Being nice and being aesthetically nice got him to marry her. But they did not have experience before marriage that showed if she was genuinely kind and not just nice for niceness.
My gosh. How much safety and privilege she must have to not develop empathy for deep emotions or horrific situations other people had.
Shes a therapist? No way she's a therapist? Of all ppl to cast that stone? Knowing men are the ppl too. Men cry too until they are hurt so bad they become stone and lash out for ever more. Damaged that no one can fix
No, she's not s therapist
I thought it said she was a therapist, too. (The downside of listening at double speed. 🤣) But I went back and listened at normal speed and she said she ISN'T a therapist. I was wondering why no one until you commented on that part. 🤣
God forbid he shows some empathy for humanity. This definitely needs therapy. The wife reacting how she did is a huge red flag and tells me she was raised in a place of toxic masculinity.
- No, this means she was raised by feminists.
First, Dusty if you do stories in this setting where you don’t have your buttons might I recommend maybe making paper cut outs and laminating them, making small signs so you can hold up what this person is when you give your opinions? Just a thought, and have like a red and green flag too lol.
Second, you know I hate to put this in a societal failure because truly it has become a bit more accepting, but this is woman is exactly why you still see a lot of men bottling up emotions. Society for the longest time has tried to teach men to hold in their emotions, but it is so unhealthy. Nobody says you have to cry all the time because that is not healthy either, but I mean come on. There are things that get to all of us, and this got to him, but if the roles were flipped he would be the one expected to comfort his wife, and if he didn’t there would be something wrong with him. These same people are the ones who ask why doesn’t any one of my partners open up to me emotionally, and then do this which then turns to their partner shutting down. She is the red flag, and if she has such a problem with it then she can go find her “manly” man, and see what that guy does. My guess is he’ll be emotionally unavailable, and discredit her feelings much like she is doing to him.
Divorce her. Run dont walk. Get rid of her quick.
Run dude run run run!!!
I honestly think the "humanity has done worse" statement was an excuse from her. I think she caught the ick because her MAN was weeping in public. She got embarrassed that a man broke down, when traditionally (and yes this is toxic AF) men "aren't supposed to cry". If she was just worried that he broke down in the moment because humanity has done worse, she'd have been over it. But she's since begun to treat him poorly and say awful things to him--she's caught the ick.
She needs therapy to readjust her toxic mindset, and if therapy can't help her realize how she's feeding into toxic stereotypes instead of allowing her husband to express emotion like a normal human being then he'd be 100000% justified in divorcing her. Nobody deserves to be treated the way she's treating him. If the roles were reversed, ALL of us would be crawling all over the man calling him all sorts of names and demanding that the woman RUN. It's no different here.
This man--this HUMAN--was expressing empathy over an extremely violent, horrific injustice committed upon CHILDREN. I dunno who could walk through a place like that and NOT be affected (Not that everyone would cry, but surely there'd be a somber atmosphere. It certainly was the case when I walked through the prison camps in Germany, or when I toured the battle fields in Gettysburg...it's not a party place, it's a place of deep tragedy and heartbreak for the loss of life.) The fact that she clearly doesn't want him to have empathy for other living things is, frankly, deeply concerning.
We hear women all the time complaining about how their men don't express emotion--and then we get stories like this, where men ARE expressing emotion, but now it's wrong and embarrassing and "womanly"... honestly what the hell is wrong with us as women?
Men in a relationship long enough begin to think they can open up and not keep them blocked off. Then it turns around and shocks her. It begins to show the double standard where they want the man to open up, but all of the sudden Don't. Because.
They believe it make Him weak, and they feel less safe.
My fiancé has shown emotion from the start and it's actually why I was attracted to him. I personally feel that men who DO show emotion are stronger and safer than those who don't because I feel like they're safer and more honest.
If someones ick is seeing you as a human being have emotions, thats beyond a major red flag.
I've always had an extremely vivid imagination, like I wouldn't have gone there because I'd picture everything like this guy did and be traumatized. I recently found out that people have different levels of an "inner eye" and some people don't even have one. The chart goes from 0-5, so if she's a 0 and he's a 5, I can see how that would make people incompatible.... but also men are aloud to cry so she's definitely an ah for treating him like that.
That's an interesting point I hadn't thought of! I expect someone with aphantasia would indeed have trouble feeling empathy regarding a historical event they read about because it may not seem 'real'.
But as you said her judgmental attitude towards her husband having that more emotional response is a separate, and very ah, thing.
OP is NTA. But I think OP is misinterpreting what's really going on. Sometimes, folks with little to no empathy have a difficult time relating to those who are actively showing empathy. I think her hostility has less to do with HIM and more to do with, 'why didn't I feel that?' or 'How DARE he feel that when I didn't!'. Counseling might help, but I don't think OP is the problem here. He may also have a very serious talk about what's going on with HER on this. ALSO, it may be that she was raised around men who NEVER expressed emotion with tears and she resented feeling awkward/embarrassed because she didn't know how to comfort you or what to do. It's interesting that in 4 years of marriage plus he hasn't seen this reaction in her before.
This woman scares me! She reminds me a lot of my soon-to-be-ex mother-in-law...the kind of woman who becomes more and more overbearing and self centered the older she gets, especially after she has kids. She sounds like the kind of woman who belittles and demeans her son when he is sad or shows emotion...who tells him to stop acting like a baby! Those women raise sons who are so emotionally stunted that they can abuse their wives and honestly see nothing wrong with what they are doing.
Women like her are extremely dangerous. If I had only known just how dangerous, I might not be in the heartbreaking position I'm forced to live in now.
I would have been bawling my eyes out right next to him. I went with my now-ex husband to the 9/11 museum and we both cried, even though we didn’t know any victims. It’s called EMPATHY!
I grew up in an abusive household were anything could be used against you, especially emotions. When I was young I remember the only one I loved was my dog. When cps came my mother told me that they would separate me from my dog, the only one I loved. I told cps what I was told to. I learned quickly in my family not to express emotions, it's a weakness. My husband grew up in a loving home and was comfortable expressing emotions. Early in our relationship he would cry when sad, I didn't judge him, I just didn't understand it. It took some time to realize he was comfortable showing his emotions, when I wasn't. I came off cold to his family. The truth is I feel very deeply and cry in privet but I will never be fully comfortable expressing my pain to others. I have learned to embrace that my husband is more emotionally expressive and be supportive. we've been together for almost 20 years. I don't know if that's this woman's situation. Some people are good at disassociateing from tragedy, I am to an extent. Her dismissive behavior towards him is my biggest concern, again I don't know her but I feel one thing I learned quickly is that you support the one you love even outside your comfort zone.
Really? The killing Fields are something that happens all the time? What an ignorant piece of crap thing to say, doubly so from somebody who has actually been to pnomh penh.
I wouldn't divorce necessarily, But most definitely there needs to be marriage counseling and a discussion about respect and honoring each other. Because the way she's speaking to you is totally unacceptable and disrespectful and if a man were doing that to a woman, we'd be up in arms about it. It's no different when a woman does it to a man. Also, red flag on the brother. Telling you that you shouldn't have shown emotion to your wife? To your spouse? To your life partner? That's a problem. And sadly I know many are raised to believe that and OP's wife is a prime example of why.
Cases like this are how great men get ruined for women. I hope they can go to counseling and work it out. If they can't, then they're going to divorce because successful marriage cannot involve blatant disrespect such as this
if the roles were reversed and he was being an ass while she was crying, would she demand he be more sympathetic toward her emotions? Honestly, if I was in his position, I'd be deeply reconsidering her personality and morals. I wouldn't blame him for divorcing her, with or without counseling. But, I'm not in a relationship and have never been married. I don't find it as difficult to walk away from what I view as an awful person.
Given this was in the nature of an anniversary vacation, going to such a place would NOT be on my list of things to do, despite me knowing that if we forget the lessons of history we repeat them. But given her reactions to this place and her reaction to seeing her husband cry as he was overcome with emotion, I have to wonder where the hell is her humanity! Truthfully, I don't know that I would even want to bother with couples counseling with someone who wasn't moved/disgusted by that place. NTA!
I don't doubt OP has such a visceral reaction to that environment: it is one thing to read about it, another thing to be standing there with the evidence of the utter atrocities and cruelty close enough to smell and touch even decades later. That over 1-2 million innocent people were eradicated out of pure hate is mentally overwhelming so for those with empathy, it can be emotionally overwhelming as well. I don't question OP's reaction, something I'm sure he never planned on happening and was most likely surprised it hit him that deeply; what I do find a bit unsettling is his wife's lack of affect in the exact same environment in the exact same moments. Sure, she's a therapist and able to remove herself emotionally from a patient's emotions, but to witness your spouse so devastated over the unfathomable torture and death of babies (which is where he lost his hold on his emotions during this 'tour') and to exhibit zero affect toward him where she didn't even attempt to console or comfort him is disturbing to me. There are strong men and women in all walks of life, yet, when one's spouse is so deeply affected by something they weep like never before, it usually touches the other spouse in some way, maybe even making that one's eyes tear up, even if it doesn't make them cry. That she reacted numbly the way she did, and then continued to degrade and insult him afterwards for days because of it, manipulating even doing laundry into her verbal attacks, makes me wonder what button he pushed in her with his crying that she's kept hidden all these years. Her poking the bear with her verbiage since that 'vacation' to make him feel weak, insecure and to emasculate him seems intentionally malicious and not the behavior one would expect from a highly educated, professional therapist who deals with others' trauma every single day. If the man normally shows emotion easily, then his reaction at the Killing Fields should not have surprised her nor should she have reacted days afterward with such meanness; if he doesn't show emotion easily, she should have known this brutality, hate, injustice and desire for a "master race" they had just witnessed on this tour hurt his heart for those innocent lives lost and her reaction could have been a lot more supportive. I don't think OP's crying in front of her is the issue: I think she's using his crying as an excuse to bully him for some reason and that's what he needs to figure out. What is really bugging her? What button in *her* got pushed when OP was so emotional they had to leave the exhibit? His crying seemed to trigger something in her but as a therapist, he's probably never going to get it out of her: therapists never believe they need therapy. Whatever OP decides to do, he has to know at this point she is never, ever going to be his safe haven: she's never even going to try to be his safe haven; in that regard, he'd better have a really good best friend, brother or cousin because she is making it very clear she does not want to be privy to, or deal with his emotions. Living, eating, sleeping with an empty soul must be disheartening, unfulfilling, difficult and awkward. I can't imagine being life partners with someone that emotionally vacant.
This is why us men are afraid to show emotions because it always gets thrown back at us later
You don’t need to go to motherly/fatherly instincts to explain this, it’s basic human empathy to feel sad when you are confronted by human suffering - especially a whole museum with the real remnants of it. It’s one of those things you assume you wouldn’t have to talk about before getting married. “You agree that genocide is sad, even if you don’t know the people involved, and that men are allowed to cry, right?” I’m so riled up right now so forgive my ranting lol but no, OP’s wife, worse hasn’t happened and it doesn’t happen every day - that’s why there’s a museum.
This woman is a huge walking and talking red flag. She’s the worst type of person imaginable. Op, divorce her. She is beyond redemption.
Considering what happened in Cambodia under Pol Pot was incredibly close to the atrocities that happened during WW2, I don't see how he couldn't cry.
I suspect that there is something else going on, and when he suggested it was all because he was crying she used that as an excuse to cover up whatever it is. Also, saying what happened there was not the worst humanity can do is very weird, as what was done was a prime example of humanity at it's worst. Personally, I would not trust this lady much after this.
Wow. My fiance and I cry at shows and movies that are fictional, and I think it's amazing that he cries too and feels empathy, he would lose his shit and be crying at that place as would I! We were watching "The Tattooist of Auschwitz" and "We Were The Lucky Ones", he said he didn't think he could handle watching it because it was so sad thinking about what those people went through. I respected his feelings and changed it to something else, and watched it on my own. I didn't call him a pussy and insult him. I'm glad the man I decided to have a daughter and second baby in December with can cry and express his feelings with me without any hesitation. Even people, men or women, who aren't "criers" WOULD CRY AT THIS
I would ask myself why she appeared cold and unfeeling with the prison let alone OP
He can't cry about brutally
murdered children?!?!?!?!?
Edit: I was just thinking about this. She reacted poorly from the beginning and then antagonized him for a whole week picking fights and being a had in general instead of talking to him about it. That's weird. He cried. He didn't cheat. He didn't even crap himself in public with her in tow (though that would also be a weird thing to get angry over). He cried...and she handled it as if it was some huge transgression. I don't think I would personally feel comfortable around someone who could be not only that unreasonably confrontational, but that callous.
What kind of a thing in 2024 (!!?!?) is it to say anything negative and end it with “(like) a girl.” She insulted her own gender, but not herself, becuz it seems she feels like “the man” in her marriage. She KNOWS she’s wrong or she wouldn’t hv hung her head in shame when she finally admitted it.
I don’t think OP showing his emotions is what bothered her. It was that it highlighted that she did not hv any. And that’s a HER issue. He reacted to horror in the correct way. She’s got some real issues and how dare he remind her of that.
As a person who is highly compassionate and empathetic, I would find her lack of empathy concerning. If this is the first time something like this has happened, I would suggest couples counseling, but then again, his view of her might've totally changed due to how she handled this and maybe it's something they can't come back from.
It's concerning that she had ZERO emotions or feelings about seeing a place of mass homicide, reading how it was done. I would be crying right next to him. Hell, I was getting upset hearing Dusty read about it.
She won't stop now, she will progress, I bet soon enough she will start saying things like "what, are you going to cry now" when she wants a dig.
Doubt that she feels like something is wrong with her, based on the things she is saying to him.
I would think there is something wrong with her if the fact that children were being tortured and killed doesn't bother her. she definitely needs therapy.
So IF you can't cry in front of your partner then you dont have a partner. Forget therapy I would not stay with someone who has 0 empathy and can't let me express my feelings in a healthy way. She is a red flag that needs to be let go
He got emotional for what he read that shows me he is a human. I would love for my husband to show some sort of emotions other than anger, hate, and numbness.
Humanity has done worse????? Okay humanity has done equally bad things sure, but HOW can you get worse???? The fact that she didn't care and doesn't get why someone would is a massive red flag in and of itself
So knowing about Pol Pot, what the Khmer Rouge did and how they did it, the fact that your wife DIDN'T cry should have been a red flag to you to dump her. If she's left unmoved by what happened, she's just not a nice person. Swipe left and move on.
If I was blessed with a partner who showed his emotions, his tears, that let anyone and everyone see his empathic soul... not only would I know that I was the luckiest woman in the world - I would cherish him to no end. OP is a beautiful soul. His wife... not so much. IMO, he deserves so much better. I'm hoping that OP leaves his wife, ngl. I wish you much love and luck OP - absolutely NTA.
That's how my fiance is. Just a couple weeks ago he said he couldn't watch the Tattooist of Auschwitz because it was too sad and he was crying, I respected that and we watched something else! I've never made him feel bad for crying, I love that we can cry at the same scenes in movies and shows and be vulnerable with each other.
@@clarissathompson0103 KEEPER!!!!! lmao
If she doesn't like displaying her emotions, fine. Not understanding that someone can feel those emotions and cannot hold 'em in, is just sick. She's a psycho!
This exactly.
I’m absolutely speechless after hearing this story. The wife is a THERAPIST!?!? Wow.
I don't normally say stuff like this, but I really feel like this video needs a trigger warning. Jesus.
She might have signs of sociopathy. OP should run, not walk, run.
How does she handle other people's emotions? Is it just her husband's emotions she can't handle?
Her phrasing that other people have gone through worse and things like that happen all the time are making me wonder if there's something extremely traumatic in her past that she hasn't opened up about? I know they've been together for at least 4 years but people can bottle things up for a lot longer. I'd try therapy and some serious talks with her before jumping to divorce or thinking she's a horrible person.
This sounds like that stupid "Ick" concept.
This is so wrong! I'd be glad to see my husband cry over the loss of life in such horrible ways! It means he's not afraid to feel empathy openly! That's a good thing! He needs to leave this woman! She doesn't know what she has!
My son Mother inlaw is a well known therapist and she is very Cold person
This makes me SO sad…. This man deserves so much better
I'd be concerned that she was a sociopath.
This woman sounds like my mother in law 🙄😒
She's broken. Get a new one.
I'd start crying too
This one was a little too much for me.
🧡
PoL Pot - but wow.
Red flag. Wife is a cold hearted ....!
Her vision of him is that he is a 🐱😂
OP will be the asscanaut of he leaves his wife. What he has there is a strong smart woman who understands how the world works. If anything, He should be thanking her for being so bluntly Honest and for trying to get him to toughen up.
I've seen you comment like this on another Dusty video. Do you feed off attention like this or are you monetizing this? I don't get it.
Yeah, he’s a troll 🧌