How narcissists EXPECT YOU to react to their TOXIC BEHAVIOR
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- Опубликовано: 7 сен 2024
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Here's how I believe a narcissist expects you to react to their toxic behavior. They want you to fear them and provide nothing but compliance. Compliance is THE only expected behavior.
Oh yes. They are over grown toddlers and react the same way when told, no.
Which one in your relationship is the 'narcissist' ? Them ? You ?
Delusional
Mine said something like "it's very difficult to make you happy" when the only unhappy person who kept asking for money and space for everything was him, after I discovered one of his lies.
I don't do "compliance with someone who won't compromise." the narcissist(dad)/his girlfriend.
They don't even ask if we can go back to normal. They just pretend all is okay in the morning and expect you to keep the peace. If you speak up, you ruin the mood and the whole next day, potentially the whole weekend.
The audacity is when they cheerfully ask you "whats up?" the next day
^^^^^ THIS!!! so much this. sigh.
Yes my mom expects me to keep the peace and let it blow over anytime there's an argument or she makes something up to get upset about. It's crazy because nothing gets resolved.
yep, that's about right.
UGH THIS so true 😓
Being with a narcissist, it’s hard to understand who you really are because they see you as a mere extension of them and they expect you to act and think the way they do.
It is a battle just to be seen .
So true.... My narc admits it's his world that I live in. So why do I stay???? New years resolution, Get out of it or accept my position in the relationship. I am working on myself through Dr R and waiting for her new book that's coming out in Feb.
Run for the hills❤ was the best thing I ever did and so can you!
The narcissistic tendency exhibited by a person expects their victim to be cheerful, to do the work of the former for the latter. And it's ok that's it's not fair. Right? Of course it's fair! Smile and say "sheise!" 😊
Stay weak -- I MEAN!! -- strong. 😑😜🤪
Very much AGREED✨
They always say “leave it in the past” when they don’t want to deal with their betrayal, then they bring up the past when they need to.😂
You are absolutely right! My narc of 20 years of marriage and manipulation said the same thing. 3 days ago I told him we are over. Thankfully he left. Praying I can stay strong. We have an almost 14 year old and 2 adult daughters and he's already using manipulation tactics on them, playing the victim.
Tired of hearing “that’s in the past, you need to forgive” after I found out that she is still Facebook friends with the good Christian friend of the family who sexually harassed me when I was in 3rd grade.
"you're too sensitive", "you're over reacting", "you have too high standards", "you aren't so perfect you know" and SO many more!
Heard it all.🙄
💕
My grandmother used to repeat to me “don’t think you’re better than anyone else.” It was wicked. She passed at 90 and at the end, my entire evil family stalked me to speak to her but I refused. I was disowned bc I have a problem with csa. God bless all of you who see the truth and we walk together through this journey! Happy new year!
you get offended suddenly..
"We can't all be perfect like you are" is what I heard more than a few times. Looking back, this and other similar responses were the sort expected from an indignant eight year old. Which he was---all too often
"Can't we go back to normal?"
is code for: "Can't we go back to me exploiting and hurting you and you not just letting it happen and trying to appease me?"
Exactly!!!
The problem with overlooking their mistakes is that they are compulsive repeat offenders.
"MISTAKES"????
@elirien4264 Ah, you fixed it for them! More like transgressions, offenses, and abuse
when people overlook it that time they think of it as a mistake but when they finally stop overlooking they get wise & name it for what it truly is.. abuse..
@@elirien4264Exactly! The love to throw stones and hide their hands. When see their hand full of stone, they'll say that you're not communicating in a healthy way when you accuse them of throwing stones. You can't win with them.
Yes, and then we end up being the buffer and absorbing it all to keep the peace until we just can’t anymore, and then we melt down and become the bad guys.
"Narcs familys are always about superficial emotion."Yessss, very true. The only genuine emotions they show are that of contempt
And explosive anger with loud yelling voice.
My ex (then husband) had an affair, gave an apology, blamed me for the affair, and then (after 2 months) said, “You’re never going to forget about this are you?” Can’t erase my memories. He didn’t get it, just got mad, and blamed me for that. So glad I’m divorced, working on my health, and happily living my life. Took me until I was 62 to understand what was going on.
GOOD FOR YOU!! This kind of healthy self-love is inspiring to me, thank you!!!
50
@@moniquejackson7741 56
Better off without toxic people
Ugh. And then they tell you you live in the past and that's the problem. So frustrating.
When it comes to the narcissist, you will find yourself acknowledging mistakes you never even made. But they will never acknowledge a single mistake.
To all my Empath Soul Siblings out there! I wish you a Very Happy NarcFree New Year! 😘
Thank you so much! 🙏🏾 You as well.
Looking forward to it 😎
You know well this will never happen
Its a sociopath now 😂 he literally told me. No worries we only chatted ill never meet up!!
Thank you. Sociopath brother and Narsissist Dad and riddled all threw out his side of my family. Tough.
My dad once told me I was a "Sullen" child. I was speechless, as I knew how many years of his abuse it had taken to make me that sullen.
My husband said that about me. I’m sullen and he told everyone else that I always have a sullen face and how much he hates that. We’re separated now. I never realized how narcissistic he is. I was blind.
My narcissistic husband makes similar comments to our two sons. We used to ignore his nasty comments, but now we remind him of his horrendous behavior that led to his children not wanting to talk to him or spend time with him. Note: he has a daughter from a previous marriage who went no contact with him at the age of 13. He is a real a**hole.
@@annjohnson8437 No learning, no responsibility.
They'll belittle and diminish every aspiration you've ever had then call you a peter pan because you haven't pursued anything meaningful 😅
@@runswithraptors Imagin never being able to share anything success of failure with a parent because you know it would just be used against you. Anything good would be sabotaged and deliberately destroyed, anything bad would be amplified a thousand times and never forgotten. Looking back, I find it hard to understand why I thought that was normal.
i love the "cant we go back to how it was when we first met" .... no, it cant. because it was all an act.
So true! That love-bombing stage was all make-believe.
EXACTLY!
The root of narcissism is pride. Protecting their pride is #1 at all costs.
Yes. That's it. Vulnerability to a narcissist is non existent.
I'd say it's to prevent exposing their shame and fear of inadequacy
⚠️ I actually got counseled at a previous job for ...get this...THE LOOK ON MY FACE 😮 bc...you know..old men like to tell women to smile all the time 🙄
Yep I was told to leave the past in the past... but he was free to bring it up at will
@@NUCLEARMAMA1313 YES! Double standards!
They expect you just smile and take it. Any response makes you the villain and them the victim.
So true. Any response at all, any possibility that they could be seen in the slightest of negative light will cause them to make you the villain. Literally, his sister asked me if I had an issue with him having secretive relationships as if I was the one with faulty thinking.
People aren't dumb, though. They can usually see who the real aggressor is. But the truth is most people just trying to avoid the shit storm themselves.
@@ct6852 True. She is his sister and often needs his assistance financially.
This is so true, I was always told to come into the light, out of MY darkness after hours of insults or being belittled. Never an apology or responsibility for being so nasty
I can’t stop crying because all of this is beyond true. I have distanced myself from soo many people because I can’t fake it anymore. I just can’t. And because I don’t want to unload all my pain from what I am experiencing from the narcissist I have basically isolated myself. I am in therapy and trying…
😻😻 well done keep up the good work ❤
My ex left me December 1st on our oldest daughter’s birthday. He has ruined every holiday and every relationship with all family and friends telling lies about me,leaving me completely alone in solitude in my home. Created fear and paranoia, all while he has affairs with other women. He says he wants to come home, if not will leave me destitute. His lies, hiding money, affairs, now taking his pension money out early, I’d rather be alone and destitute before I ever turn back to his abuse. Terrible hurt and shame I have for being so selfless looking back thinking he’d change and love me. So done
Going through the exact same. Apart from the therapy, I can’t face it atm since my ex drilled into my head my therapist is just a paid yes man
@@oliraceking they aren't yes men, they just don't make you feel guilt or shame. You've had enough of that. They aren't just 'paid' to do their job. They chose to spend years studying psychology and they keep up with their studies.
They WANT to help people.
Why give any value to what your ex said ?
After being screamed at, gaslighted or even threatened to keep me controlled using fear I would always get a “why are you in such a bad mood all the time” when I tried expressing my anger or concerns about how I was being treated. I was married for 30 years when finally discovering Dr R. Realizing what I was married to I’m now happily divorced and safe for one year!
I wish you a happy life.
As DR, Ramani said they can't unring a bell sorry
Yes, 'Gaslighting'! I have noticed that a narcissistic neighbour was trying to gaslight me. It is a horrid feeling when anyone does this. I had never heard of this behaviour being a symptom of narcissism. It was a chilling.
Good luck & Happy Blessed New Year ❤
Had some 35 and up roommates who behaved like this. They’d be passive aggressive, and then hit you with the- we are a happy family, you’re the problem, while the husband was constantly being emotionally abusive to the wife. It was INSANE 😂🥴. I got tf out of there. I did the typical narcissistic shuffle (cut communication, stay no contact) they played victim thru it all. Even tried to pit my child against me. Shit was ICONIC, they thought they could hit my son with the don’t tell mommy. Then tried to make it seem like my son was a liar. Thought it was hilarious. If you see the signs- run. Your mental health isn’t worth it. I’d rather be homeless than in a home with a narc. Period.
I caught my narc writing sexual things to a coworker a few days ago and when I confronted him, he responded with, "Don't bother me with things that are negative." Can't wait for this to be completely done.
Huh? Such an odd response.
@@CareBlair222
That odd response was deliberate.
that's exactly how my ex was. 4 years. if I brought up the truth, caught him in a lie, caught him texting women inappropriate messages or looking at women online, caught him in the lie that he would drive an hour to massage his ex-girlfriend and sleep over at her house and say he was visiting family multiple times, caught him watching porn - he would deny it and fly into a rage. "don't bother me with things that are negative" - exactly. he would rage and then storm out and come home the next day and act like nothing happened. would never tell me where he was. he stayed "wherever the fuck I wanted" .. like he was a gift coming back into my life. he trapped me and made me dependent on him. moved me and all my things to alaska saying he was going to buy us a house in a huge romantic gesture. feeding me the dream. he never bought us a house. he isolated me on a boat in alaska. it's taken me 3 years to get back on my feet, now I have a good job and i'm out of alaska. 3 weeks with him out of my life. it was definitely a trauma bond. I really appreciate all these videos and all this information. his father is a 100% narcissist , cheating openly on his mother. triangulation, lying, coal supply family .... I am so glad to be aware and finally getting to an end of this toxic relationship. I will forever have tinnitus from his abuse. he said up until the end.. you don't trust me. haa,, after all the constant lies... he tried to make me feel like it was MY fault for not trusting him. and, he NEVER apologized. never. the closest he came to that was saying to me once, "I don't know why I have such a hard time telling you the truth." I should have left before the end of our second month together. that's when I started seeing the big red flags. I stayed for 4 years. trust your gut. they will twist you up in all sorts of ways gaslighting you. trust your gut. if I would have done that I would have averted these last 4 years of abuse.
"Sad sack." "You're always mad." "You're so negative." I became the poster child for toxic positivity in order to survive.
"You're too sensitive" after you complained the he hurt your feelings by saying something really mean...
@@sylviatownsend410 Yes! Or "You can't take a joke."
Rest assured, if, for some accidental reason, your N sees you smiling or laughing with someone else (could be a complete stranger, or some other acquaintance) the N will make your life hell....you can't win. (So they think! Believe me, you can have the last laugh. You will never tell anyone tho! (By then you won't care to tell anyone anyway!)
My mother, who may have had borderline personality disorder (quiet, high-functioning type) got after me and my sister because someone in the church commented that "your girls never smile." Many years later, when I was an adult, I wrote a poem which had a line "must I smile in church to make you look good?"
Put that in the letters to your mom
I would like to see a global awareness and push to have this behavior criminalized. Emotional abuse is not physically abusive at first, but it ends up that way. Those of us who are encouraged to stick it out in these relationships however they present, end up with illnesses while the narcisisstic person gets away with their abuse. Please keep sharing this information everywhere you go! 🕊💜
YES!!! Well said. These are human lives but not treated that way at all.
Omg wow. You’re right. It becomes physically abusive. I now deal with PMDD from years and years of psychological abuse. Thank you for posting this comment today, it’s giving me lots to reflect on ❤
Omg the thought of my little 71 year old narcissistic mother in handcuffs for narcissistic abuse is hilarious 😂. It should be criminalized damnit! Ha
It would be highly unethical to criminalize what is medically considered and scientifically proven to be a disability.
While some narcissists are physically abusive and physical abuse is a punishable crime, just being a narcissist will never be criminalized. Otherwise all mental issues would be on the chopping block as well. I know its a thought or hope you have but it just isn't logical. In today's society we have far worse issues to tackle. Far worse. Much more serious priorities.
My experience: they badger and bait you into confrontation. When you fight back they respond with a variation of "omg where's this hostility coming from?!"
💯 this was my entire relationship with my narc mother.
😂😂😂 yep. Just went through that again yesterday with spouse. He engages in behavior I have asked him not to do as it makes life very hard for me. He blanks it out and has no idea why I am upset and tell him to stop disrespecting me. He claims this comes out of nowhere and I am always angry. I need to stop being so controlling.
Yet his behavior is what is causing me to deal with a lot of extra work so in reality, HE is being controlling by not being considerate of me.
Yep. Roommate has been texting since 3 am. He’s big mad that I am grey walling and not engaging.
💯 it’s maddening!
“You’re not important enough to them… “. You must ask yourself what IS important to them, and prepare to be last on their list! They will never choose you!
When I realized things would never change I started trusting myself more. My instincts and my judgment.
💯 % We get accused of “ holding a grudge” and being petty while they have memory lapses about decades of abuse. Now that they are in their 70s and 80s I’m being guilted with “ we dont know how much longer we will be alive”. Just erase history and get over it!
I feel this to my core. My dad (ineffectively) pulled this same stunt. My response: Sounds like you’re running out of time to atone. 🤷🏻♀️
An apology doesn't exist in the world of a narcissist, it's just another move to further their agenda. It's always about what they need, and want. Don't waste your time thinking they mean what they say, because they don't. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for opening my eyes to the world of narcissism and for giving me the tools to get myself back. Happy New Year!
thank u for saying this I had a similar experience, that her "apologies" were just a breadcrumb to try and lure me back when I set a boundary
You are welcome. It's amazing the lengths they go to keep you under their control. Happy Narcissist free New Year!@@hawkspirals3483
Well said.
Exactly. My cousin is an extreme narcissist who kept telling me the same: Let it go. What's wrong with you? Why can't you just forget it? It's in the past (meanwhile, it just happened the day before), and made it clear that I'll never get an apology from him. And also wonders why his wife left him.🙄
@@yourconnection9303 I don't remember my ex EVER apologizing for ANYTHING. Because he was always right about everything and I was always wrong.
Very familiar. I was the truth teller. Lonely, but at least real. One of my favorite responses when instructed "They're gone. It's the past, just let it go" when the enablers were dismissing the irrevocable damage & rewriting history about an extremely vicious Narcissist was, "So is Hitler. Does that mean WWII didn't happen?" Needless to say, we parted company. I am definitely better off.
This is brilliant! “The Holocaust is in the past but the effects are generational”. That is so deep! Thanks for the Hitler and historical reference. So effective and sobering.
Yeah it’s the past… but you know what I used to have a penpal and I would write these huge detailed letters. And I found a letter that had not been sent and I saw how cruel things were back in the day and it made me wish I had my eyes opened and could’ve left decades sooner.
They expect you to speak with the voice they give you. Thirty years of this. I’ve had enough and I’m taking action to leave.
me too, I am literally on my death bed and he is ignoring me. I will go die alone. seriously.
The thing about apologies is that it’s not really about the apology. It’s about making amends (as we learn about in 12 step programs) and the narcissist can apologize till the cows come home but they’re never going to make amends and if you ask them to make amends they’re going to ignore you and pretend you didn’t say that.
That’s a distinction that I hadn’t considered. The apology is often hollow; there’s no attempt to make amends so you’re still stuck with the anger and resentment. Thanks for sharing.❤
Setting my boundaries is what made the entire house of cards fall down. My aging mother treated me like her personal assistant. Now I am living in a yellow rock world. I am doing so much better. Narcissist abuse is nothing to minimize -it will cost you so much-your health, your other (healthy) relationships, money …but most of all it will rob you of your JOY. Don’t let anyone take that from you!
My dad would tell me that I had nothing to complain about, but little did he know what my mother was doing to me...he worked ungodly hours.
My narcissistic mother would always say, "I was spoiled." I still don't understand how I was spoiled. I was her scapegoat. I internalize everything.
Happy Birthday weekend, Dr. Ramani.
This reminded me of how my dad, who also worked ungodly hours, would call my siblings and I “lazy” kids when he was literally never home. I’d go from school, to sports practice, do homework, go to bed and repeat. I was far from a lazy kid. Shame on him. He wasn’t there to freaking see.
@@okay5488too hard for him to stay home I guess. When I would express my feelings about my father never speaking up to her on my behalf my therapist said “she robbed the bank but he drove the getaway car. 😢
Yeah it's like they don't understand that truly sometimes material things can't make up for no peace of mind. Like it's not just a trope in emo movies...it's actually true.
My mother was dad's biggest enabler and she worked all the time and is never home, and dad was like Dr Jekyll and Miss Hyde he would flip script as soon as she walks through the door! and this type of gaslighting can be so ridiculously traumatic for any kid to deal with.... begging for relief or help from the toxic abuse and being told that you need to calm down, you're the one overreacting, you're the one causing the problems, well maybe if you didn't piss him off so much.... well what did you do this time to upset him... and the whole time, your whole childhood! everyday! trying to explain that you didn't do anything at all, or most of the time not even knowing that you had done anything to piss them off! and then they'll just claim nothing happened and they don't know what I'm talking about, litterally denying their abuse and claiming to be the victim of a child that's lying and making stuff up.... I believe the most hurtful thing dad ever said was that I was just doing this to try and split them up! As a kid I would become so depressed thinking I was actually causing their marital issues, and as an adult I understand he was just gaslighting and manipulating everyone, and using me as his punching bag and scapegoat! And still to this day, Mom doesn't believe any of my stories or retellings of situations, even when shown video evidence of the abuse and hateful manipulative texts, stuff I tried to show her or tell her... She would always just get really emotional and blame me for trying to purposefully make her feel bad, or say that it's between me and him and refuse to hear anything else about it! I am 6'5" tall, and for most of my life was made to feel so small and insignificant... when my father passed it was extremely hard to have any emotion about his passing, well not show any of the emotions anyone thought I should have had anyway... but I don't feel guilty for not mourning the man... his funeral was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with my whole family and all of our friends morning a man and feeling sorry for me and asking how we were going to get along without dad, everyone telling their fond stories of him, remembering what a great guy was... but that day I decided not to ruin anyone's good memories of him by sharing my bad ones...
I always wanted to expose all of his toxicity and oust him for the abusive tyrant he was...
But when I found out he had passed, I felt a relief consume me, a sense of safety I had never felt before in my life... I felt truly FREE for the first time in my life... I just let my friends and family keep whatever memories of Dad they want too...
Adoptee here raised by narcissistic mother and detached father - Adoptees face an additional level of gaslighting in that we're supposed to be grateful, and our concerns are apt to be dismissed by others who don't want to hear anything negative about adoption. It's a particularly brutal form of dismissiveness.
I've seen it. I know a lot of traumatized adopted kids (adults now). I'm sorry.
Thx so much.@@harmonyvaneaton4101
It's terrible people adopt to abuse!
Yeah, unfortunately ppl usually still don't see a child that THEY themselves adopted as their own. They think they just have to put up with it and that it's a form of charity
I set boundaries with my sister recently and she and her spouse crashed right through. Cut through like butter. Repeadly, rudely, destructively and then tells everyone how ungrateful and overreactive I am. Had to cut them and enablers all out of my life which leaves me completely alone. What a mess. Society as a whole seems to have fallen into this. But knowledge is power.
Stay away bc these people will sacrifice your life over nothing. Stay encouraged.
Hi there. Don’t worry about being left alone. Actually you are not at all alone. It’s just you hadn’t got the time to meet nice people yet as all your time was forced into suffering and fighting in order to survive abuse. You are not alone. Your best friends now are yourself you can start to take care of and inner peace. You are surrounded by nice people, trust me. One day you’ll also get rid of the I-don’t- trust-anyone survival mode and make friends more easily. You will also be able to identify narcissistic personalities or full blown NPD at a glance! Covert ones will take a bit longer but still. You have your shield now! Always ask yourself: does this person make me feel good? Depending on the answer, keep her! Give the person few chances and if she is toxic, discard her. Amen.
You are not alone. ❤
I wish you the happiest new year with no toxic people around!❤narcs and their enablers can pound sand😂
Ungrateful and overreactive. Exact same words my sister used when I cut her off because of another tantrum she thrown on me while being "tired". Also blamed me I made her acting crazy and saying all the abusive stuff she said cause she was so much tired and I triggered her.... Just recently realized how much time I've lost trying to understand that person and convincing myself she is not that bad.
@@pollyclover1624 yes, it is sad but it is good to know.
0:00 cheerful behavior
9:30 They expect things to go back to normal
15:44 They ask you to forget what they have done
25:55 They judge you for setting boundaries
34:43 They expect you to accept their apology
Thank you. This is very helpful.
Over time, they won't ever apologize they just expect you to understand it was your fault why they acted in such a bad way.
@@1stBorn538 the classic that I've had is "I am sorry this has happened to you" which is a beauty because as well as not being a real apology it questions your sanity. By the end you'll be questioning if waters wet.
I never GOT an apology. 😐
@@TheScarlett618 No if you don't get one straight away they don't value you above what they can get out of you. I have trouble accepting it as well, I'm trying not to chase an apology that's never coming, but it's hard when it's people you thought cared about you and you find out it is the long con by a narcissist or psychopath.
Bottom line.
Stay as far away from them as possible.
If you don't, you will eventually go out of your mind.
Life's too Short.
Narcissistic abusers scream and insult you but when you stand up to them, they whine and play victim and say you "went nuts" on them.
😅
If I speak with anything but a tempered tone, I’m accused of yelling. SMDH.
The amount of energy that goes with maintaining internal boundaries in the ongoing presence of toxic people, over time, may be costly. We may feel ourselves as greatly diminished.
A "friend" behaved in a very rude, entitled and disrespectful way with me in a holiday and, after having gaslighted me and used DARVO, when I got mad at him despite my excessive patience, he said he was "sorry for whatever he might have done that could have disturbed me despite not being able to identify anything wrong with his behaviour". That felt even worse than no apology at all. 😡
Holidays can be revealing all right. Hope you are ok.
😂😂😂 I just got an apology like that yesterday!
I crack jokes all the time and am a very funny person, apparently. It’s because making my mother laugh was pretty much the only escape route from her anger. It worked often enough that it’s pretty much a permanent mask now in my late 40s
“It’s too late to apologize” I have sang that song in my head about a lot of people that’s been in my life that has used me, gaslighted me or dismissed and disrespected me. I won’t allow them to ever ring my “Bell” again. I have learned one thing from the narcissists, I have learned how to hate and hate is something that I never had in my heart.
Sometimes, this is a protective reaction.
Actually, the opposite happened to me. If they saw me in a good mood I was instantly set upon. Thus I tried making myself invisible.
Yes, real joy (in spite of the narc’s behavior) was seen as a terrible threat and he would do something to try to extinguish it.
Amén. They hate to see us happy.
Yep I finally get why I was so shy and quiet growing up
My dad would never say something like: “can’t we just forget I said that?” Because he would never acknowledge that he said something inappropriate, mean, or hurtful.
Yep. My mom loves to say I focus on the past too much.
Yeah....what apology?
My father was so disinterested in me that he probably didn´t expect me to have feelings.
Mine denied everything and then asked for blanket forgiveness… So using that logic, you want me to forgive you for something you never did? 🤨
Narcissists expect you to eat shit, smile and tell them tastes great thanks can I have more, please!
Good Morning , Welcome to our shared reality !
Exactly!
Literally
I feel like their enabling families think your a monster for setting boundaries and saying no more
@@jeanettecable1902 always, it’s always about public perception for them which is wild to me. They are hypocritical, hypercritical, just stay far away from them even if they are your “family” that is not family. Period.
I would get the comment in my narcissistic relationship of: "Every time I talk to you, it's always something bad or down. It's ALWAYS bad news. Can't you share HAPPY news?"
So I wouldn’t share anything. Kept all the bad stuff in. Like you said: ARTIFICIAL HAPPINESS.
H is 81 yo. He just bought a brand new car without telling me. Financed it for 6 years. Fully believes he will live to pay it off. High bp. Stent in heart. And is mad at me bc I insist he take out a life insurance policy to cover that loan should he pass. All my fault. I took too long to express my displeasure. Like that wipes out his financial abuse. We live on a fixed income like most retirees. Be aware that narcs get worse as they age. I only wish I knew this 30 years ago.
OMG, being in a narcissistic relationship IS like Grounhog Day. It repeats over and over. Every time I'd reach the end of my rope and rage at my narc, he would tell me I needed to chill out, "take a pill", get counseling, etc but never took any responsibility for his part in how I felt. Then he would punish me with weeks of silence and when he decided to reach out again, acted like all was OK. Same patterns over and over, but I was the one with a problem, never him. Resolution for 2024, complete no contact, I am done!
I Love the way that cat knows you.
No fear…arms waving, as you’re explaining & sharing this valuable information, & the kitty just chills..😺
You are a Safe space for us all indeed! ❤
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I love my cats and dog. Best listeners ever! ❤
They have zero patience for how you think, feel or who you are. When your parents are like this you learn not to value yourself ✌
This is my family dynamics and I ended up working in an environment where I was treated like this at least once a week. It nearly broke me. But then I saw Dr. Ramani’s TED talk and it changed my life. I have been no contact with my family for over 3 years. It’s like realizing I was raised by a pack of wild wolves ( actually I love wild things), and now at 59 years old I am learning how to behave like a human being. It’s an uncomfortable process learning to cope with fears, anxiety and depressing situations without economic stability or a good friendship, but I feel good that I am aware of when I am being reactive and stop until I can respond in a more thoughtful manner. Americans are falling apart so it’s a solitary journey I am learning to lean into. Thanks for all you do.
Me too Gertrude-good luck to you!
Amen. Seems I'm not quite as alone as I thought....
We are in this together!
Me too. All the best to you.
It takes some looking, but there are authentic, warm, safe friends to be found out there! It's not that they are necessarily like a sweet saintly golden retriever all of the time, but when they are upset, they can speak forthrightly about it, and when there is a conflict, it's possible to talk through it, actually resolve it, and feel closer than before! There are people who are just as kind in private as in public. They do exist.
I can’t tell you how many times my ex stormed off on me as he really lacked the ability to communicate at any sort of deep or meaningful level. Nothing was ever resolved, so the next time I was upset with him, I would get the same repeated phrases like, “You just need to forgive and stop bringing it up”, “you need to love me unconditionally” and “You’re putting up walls” or “You’re pushing my buttons”. For years I bought into it and felt I was the awful one. Only years after separating, and the clouds started clearing away, did I realize that the majority of issues were his and not mine. There was a lot of projecting on his part. It’s so hard to see and think straight when you’re in the situation.
I was so sad as a child, hearing, "You should smile more." Or, "How come you never smile?"
When I found joy in learning, I won scholarships for students who demonstrated cheer, leadership qualities, and overcoming adversity. When I chose a major, I was shamed for thinking of leaving my parent who "needed my care." My despair interfered with coursework, but I put all my effort and energy into trying to uplift my depressed parent. Health problems (pre-cell phone/internet) meant he couldn't get supply. I've never shared this here, but I did get into his pain medication to burry my feelings. The combination destroyed me. I went into treatment and learned that emotions are time travelers. They don't go anywhere. They were on hold and then I had a lot to process. I've done well for 20 years. The medical community doesn't understand a thing though and I’ve been left to suffer following surgery.
That they’re saying this makes no sense, if they never see you smile how will they know that your smile is pretty
Thanks for sharing…that was deep. I wish you well.
@@gertrudewest4535 Thank you. That means a lot to hear.
@@daykibaran9668The parent wants you to smile always. You are not allowed to be sad or angry because you look ugly and make the parent look bad . Keeping secrets and looking good to the outside world . Those are the rules .
What about “why are you so quiet?” Ugh.🙄
She brainwashed me to think I’m introverted (like her) and to distrust everyone besides her. I can’t believe I’m finally waking up to all of the insanity at age 68! I had the best Christmas because I had my own adult children HERE at MY HOUSE finally!!! I am utterly DONE with her!
You are 68 and your narc mother is still alive? Omg. They truly suck out our life energy to prolong their own lives.
Sounds truly amazing ❤
I hate going anywhere with my husband and forget having family and friends over, it’s like needles in my eyes🤯
@@beckymellon8135same
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Bingo! "Can't we just act like everything is okay so WE don't feel uncomfortable?" As the scapegoat, it's acceptable for me to suffer as I have "big shoulders" and can "take it".
The bottom line is we’re not important enough for them to be concerned about.
You fucking rite you shudnt have to suffer when these doctors are letting people like this have kids walk free and it's ok but they put out fucking videos for us to heal bi put them awayb
When people show u who they are, believe them. A friend covertly manipulated and severely gaslighted me. Gently confronting her brought pushback and denial, I was framed as “overly sensitive”. I doubted my own reality for years until I cut all ties. I regret not walking away sooner
10:00 exactly. No, there is no going "back to normal" because the relationship was NEVER NORMAL. I always feel so validated when i see your videos❤
"Can't we just get back to normal?" Nope, because now I have seen what is really happening (not making excuses and assuming that I am at fault) and I can't let people treat me badly any more. It is painful to acknowledge that a relationship was only superficial or one-sided or that someone you care about doesn't respect you, but you have to live in reality. It is like gravity - if you refuse to acknowledge it, it still has an impact (pun intended).
My narcissistic Brothers favorite saying is, it's water under the bridge.. maybe for him it is, but for the rest of us it's not.
Slowly move away from the toxic family, don’t say anything just disappear!
Cut contact,mind yourself, better alone😊
The difference with a narcissist boundary is that its for you to follow. The real boundary is what we set for ourselves. ❤
Wise words. Thank you 🙏🏻
The bell rang for me 18 months ago. The infidelties, lies etc became apparent. Then the blame shifting and the claim that things that had been said were NEVER SAID. At that point I learnt about the facts of the covert narc. At the same time we had started therapy. My narc suggested to pretend that we were just getting to know each other. A pretense game after over 30 years of marriage. So creepy! Well, I could not pretend any longer and headed for separation and divorce.
Yes the denying of emotions in my opinion is when a narrcist would take control because us denying our emotions is the ultimate betrayal of ourselves
My marriage finally ended as I could not take one more second of my husband's narcissistic daughter's behavior. She has all the behaviors that you discuss including this one. Such a relief to unload this stress.
After my sister accused me of a disgusting thing and I reacted poorly to it , she said why are you so bitter.
It sounds more like you reacted APPROPRIATELY to it. They really don't like it when people are appropriate. x) Shows them up.
Same. My response: Because I don't like you. "
I was not expected to be cheerful. After I turned 8, my mother totally lost interest in me and simply didn't care how I felt. But while I was not expected to be cheerful, complaints and negative emotions were considered an inconvenience by my mother (My father totally ignored me for the most part) and I learned not to express any emotions but just to be stoic. This did not serve me well and at age 71 I am still learning how to express my emotions, discern who is safe, etc. This site helps substantially. Thank you.
This description is my family dynamic. They knew exactly when to be charming so nobody knew how bad it was. Then you grow up to always be lear. It is hard for these people to hide it when they get old because they aren't as sharp but that's not much relief either.
The lies, belittling, talking to us like we're gum under their shoe. Shocked me. I trusted and felt blindsided. Out!
"You have such a bad attitude."
Humph. I wonder why. 🤨😒
I got, “you have no joy.” from the slayer of all things hopeful. SMDH
I got, “you have no joy.” from the slayer of all things hopeful. SMDH
They try to piss you off when they are in a bad mood. They use you to control their emotions. It’s exhausting.
My ex always said “smile more.” Probably because he wanted me to seem happy to him for his emotions.
OMG, the family pictures…it made me laugh because when I was little our family would always fight right before taking the picture.😂
My ex did this right before we were supposed to go to church or to dinner to friend's for dinner. Once, I told him to "Pull the car over and let me out". Oh wow, did he ever refuse to do that!
I have become stronger in facing up to their gaslighting and manipulations and will not stand for anymore of this heartbreaking abuse 💔
My mother thought I was an extension of her. When I stepped out of line and was too loud, said the “wrong” thing or expressed an opinion that was counter to hers , she would “die” of embarrassment. I always thought that everything I thought or said was not just wrong but bad.
Best way i found to describe it is they use the best part of you against you. Guilt blame shame repeat
I feel so damaged after 35 years of it. You are right on target I was told to smile and be happy while all this emotional abuse was going on
My mother was traveling with me and we were staying in a hotel room to rest. Some idiot mixed ammonia and bleach in the room and when we walked in, my lungs were seared severely. I collapsed and gasped to her we needed another room. She was going to force me to stay there until finally she stomped away.
She came back and announced that we had to leave the room a few hours while they ran an ozone machine. She was angry at me for the inconvenience.
While I was slumped over in the car, struggling to stay conscious, she looked at me with disgust and shouted, "Can't you just PRETEND to be having a good time???"
@@crazy4color869 I’m really sorry you went through that
Mine will not talk speak to me until I speak to him first. When I address this issue with him he says he doesn't want to speak first because he doesn't know what kind of mood I'm in. This is a 30 year marriage that has been destroyed by "a million cuts" throughout the years. Of course I am the one that is mentally ill and I need to pull up my big girl pants and be happy! Grrr
I hear you. 40 plus years of marriage and many marriage counselors later only for him to say, "I always thought it was YOUR fault."
Thank you sooo much for this. Helped me see I've been gaslighting myself by ignoring my feelings and saying "There are people worse off who have no homes, food etc.." Started calling myself Pollyanna because everything was always "Fine" as I dismissed my own feelings. You are so insightful. Thank you Dr ♥️
Dr Ramini got me through a very rough divorce with a narcissist and I am eternally grateful.
My mother told me to go back to "being nice"… I said, "Oh you mean the way I was before I called you out". Apparently I forgot how to be nice when I figured out her habits.
Well spoken! And definitely think that living in a narcissistic household would qualify many people to be Oscar winning actors later on in life 🥇. Great content as usual👍🏼
Happy birthday🎂🎉 and thanks for giving so many people a fresher start and a better path going forward 🙌🏼
My ex narcissist would always say, “I’m just joking” all the time. I equate this to, “can’t you just forget about it.” I felt like this was a way he could say whatever he wanted and justify it by saying he was kidding.
After being forced by my mother to do it, my narcissistic sent me a letter stating “I have decided it’s in our mutual interest to bury the hatchet”. A non-apology if I have ever seen one! This was after months of my mother telling me that my sister will never apologize.
oh my, this is pretty horrific - ‘Well good for you. Since you tend to bury that hatchet in my back, I disagree. Our relationship is at it very best at a distance’
My mother said to me once after she raged at me…”I would apologize but I guess we don’t do that.” She claimed I made her so mad she blacked out and said horrible things. 🙄
@@kelsawalsh9271 wow! Distance is your best friend - physical, emotional, whatever you can get
Sometimes, they literally bring a hatchet. The threat of violence is often shrouded in common phrases.
@@ginnyanntonick this individual is very passively aggressive. She would not doing anything violent because it would look bad. Others I know might.
After 1 1/2 years of weekly at a minimum, character assassination and verbal abuse The narc says I am sorry I said careless words. I am sorry THEY hurt you. The worst was my therapist at the time said “It’s an apology.”” Move on.” I am now no contact and not seeing that therapist. Dr. Ramani has been much more helpful in helping me heal.
“Would you rather be in pain consciously, or would you rather be in pain unconsciously”? This is the question everyone has to answer for themselves. Red pill vs Blue pill. Grief and acceptance vs. denial, narcissistic delusion, fake superiority. Conscious pain vs. unconscious pain…❤❤❤👍
What I find is there is never any discussion or resolution. Any where from an hour to a night after a horrible rage outburst and they act as though nothing ever happened. When they say I love you, you better say it back, or here comes the rage all over again. Sickening. Normal people can't turn their feeling off and on like this.
Sounds like a nightmare. I hope you can find a way to get out of that relationship soon.
I’m praying for your safety 🙏 please get out of there soon 🥺💝
I recognized this exact pattern whrn I was kid. My mother would rage and scream and hit me and insult me and then...shed cry and apologize and say she loves me and then when I "forgave" her she would be fine for a few hours....and the cycle would begin again. For years until I moved out at 17. At 35 I cut her out of my life. Best decision of my life.
YEAH! ... We can go back to normal as soon as you stop making abnormal situations happen.
Just smile and nod while inside you’re dying. Once you’ve broken trama bonding and have had an amazing therapist that helps you give power back to yourself and validate yourself instead of waiting for the narc to actually see respect and know that we are good enough and put boundaries for ourselves. Let them be toxic and miserable. I know who I am and it’s pure Love ❤
You make a good point, Dr. Ramani, that status quo in a narcissistic relationship is hardly ever ‘normal’.
Oh my goodness! You just answered a mystery that was going on for me 10 years ago! I was so used to faking happiness that that I had physical symptoms. I had no idea why I kept breaking out in rashes and hives. None of the doctors could help me either. They went away after I got free of that life. I tried everything to fix my skin issues, and those skin problems became a thing to berate me about.. my ex husband always had “the answer” for whatever I had, and it was always something I was doing wrong, not bathing enough, bathing too much, my perfume, my deodorant, my antidepressants, (none of which were ever stated to be issues by my doctors)
But after I left him I got perfect skin!
Never thought about it really, but I never knew why I had skin problems.
I’m turning 55 this summer and I still am struggling with “who am I and what do I want/need?” because I’ve spent my whole life neglecting my own needs. And I didn’t even realize I’d been doing it until after my mother died and my family dynamic became clearer (she was the only one I wanted to be around and suddenly she was gone), followed immediately by a narcissistic “friend” becoming furious whenever I would bring up that I was struggling… had a year of silence from him, followed by a short period of “normal” and then when he got furious again it clicked in my head that our dynamic was toxic. Once I stepped away from that friendship, I realized I was an easy mark for narcissists because I had grown up around them.
And the damage to me is hard to undo but I’m determined. Even doing things I enjoyed as a CHILD feels healing. Next step is picking up my guitar again after more than 30 years of not touching it…
“Can’t we just go back to normal?” I would love to see Dr. Ramani post a video about “fresh start ism” in narcissists. HAHA thank you Dr. Ramani! At about 20:15 into this video I got just what I asked for!
Yes! "If you truly loved me you would hit the "reset button" and "it's not fair to me that you feel betrayed by my secretive relationships!"
My experience - bring up anything they did to hurt you, they never remember it - then they make up stories of something you did to them that never happened claiming you just don't remember it.
A good apology requires that the thing apologized about can be described in detail. Not just general "what I said" and "what I did", but naming the things that were said and were done. Otherwise, the mind does not have to engage with those things, and especially the narcissistic mind will ignore any connection between the apology and the deed it is about. It becomes a mere magic spell again, and the ill behaviour will repeat.
A music box at Christmas frim my narc mother - 'I never promised you a rose garden....".
I like the comfortable way you sit (with a cat, or in a comfortable armchair). You have a very soothing body language - which helps me hearing what you have to say about the horrible subject of abuse. I also like the subtle humor you use here and there.
Thank you !
"I m sorry for our conflict" is the only apologies I heard from him over the years.
My ex would either fly into a rage or give the silent treatment sometimes for days and then as soon as he was over it you were just supposed to be over it also.
Dr Ramani, you are wonderful. Accepting you can't unring the bell DID make me a lot less vulnerable. It felt like healthy detatchment, like proof I grew a little. In this detatchment I realize it wasn't really "him" I needed, but the comfort and security a healthy relationship brings. I will never have it with him and I know it. I have zero respect for him, he looks like a big baby, and I don't understand why I ever thought otherwise. Where from here? I'm older, I can't do the drama anymore, there are no dependent children to protect, and I've become pretty good at "a day at a time." We shall see.
I use these primarily for my work situations because these days regardless of the job you're going to be in a narcissistic relationship, hopefully not but very commonly with your direct supervisor, but if not then the organization itself is narcissistic and you have very little power other than to leave for another narcissistic organization. So it's incumbent on each of us to understand the dynamic and how to cope and manage.
Unfortunately my most effective strategy is simple gray rock. No affect. No words. No email. No slack. No utterances to anyone.
It's not the only strategy, it's not healthy always but it's the most effective.
Not that smart yourself , dude
schade dass du so weltfremd und dumm bist..
It’s especially hard when you’re trying to teach your kids how to honestly express their emotions when the pressure from the other parent, because they can’t get to you the way they want to, is to show loyalty and positivity around them. I really admire both my sons for finding ways to navigate this.
Being the receiving end of the abuse I've always been the one asking to "go back to normal", even if the discussion had been about something really painful. It's not easy to not blame myself.
“when they hurt you, but their apology is that they didn’t intend to hurt you, they can just go eff themselves” thanks for making me laugh and not feel as crazy or bad for feeling this way
My sister and I were just talking over Christmas about how we weren't allowed to have emotions when we were growing up.