What is a narcissist thinking during the cycle of a toxic relationship?
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- Опубликовано: 5 фев 2025
- what is a narcissist thinking during the love bombing phase? The idealization phase? What about during the discard phase?
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Welcome my channel! If this is your first time seeing my face or hearing my voice, my name is Lee and I am a self aware narcissist. I have narcissistic personality disorder ( NPD ) and I've been in therapy for my personality disorder since 2017 and it has definitely changed my life because without it, I would have lost everything.
The point of these videos is to help bring awareness from the other side of the narcissistic *buse spectrum. All my videos give perspective on why many narcissists do what they do and the possible different reasons behind them. The victims and survivors get validation and the Narcissists (those that are willing) get to see that you can get help and that you are not alone.
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Thank you so much
My narcissist started changing when I saw his flaws! When his lies started being exposed! Everything that happened to him was everyone else's fault, and that's what I was supposed to believe. Sometimes, i was the blame when negative things were happening to him. I believed a lot of terrible things until my blinders came off! The lies became clear, and I stopped giving him the attention! Now I'm free of him, and it's an amazing feeling!
Exactly same thing for me
If you care about someone, you DO NOT want to hurt them. Caring about someone doesn't just disappear. If you care about someone, you want them to be themselves, not a person you've created. It seems to me that narcs care about the image they create of a person, NOT the actual person.
I feel Narcissistic personalities should be introduced in school, I too didn't find out about this issue until I had went into hiding from my ex, and Dr. Ramani was the first video I saw about this.
🙏🏽🙏🏽
I am dreaming of starting a school education about narcissism in parents, partners, bosses...
What if the teachers are narcs?
@@fenlandwildlifeclips Well, some of them are, that is for sure.
😢😢😢😢😢 me too same situations. I'm listening every day Lee to heal my soul and my mind
From the spectrum of high traits of narcissism to full blown NPD, a mental illness, narcissists are emotionally disturbed, traumatized, deeply insecure, with superficial insight and no sense of self. An inability to love oneself translates to an inability to love others. Very few narcs are even aware of their condition. As such, rarely would they seek out help. Their resumes are full of failed relationships.
Aprox 20% of all the people in therapy right now for other things, like depression or anxiety, also have NPD. They do seek out help for problems they become aware of.
What is the reason they hide things from us?? That is so childish! I didn't finally find my lint cleaner for my dryer until after he left . He had taken it and put it in another room! Why hide something we both are using?
IMO - It’s a form of gaslighting, because he can deny he knows where it is over and over when you ask. It’s also a form of control and devaluation. He can take your belongings at will, causing you stress, and as you look for them or have to replace them it causes distress, and makes you feel worried/bad.
Thank you DJames for responding. I never replaced it until our relationship was over. I also remember him getting mad when I couldn't find things and he would ask me where I put something. Lol! I'm just happy to be out of the Toxic mess!
What an ass. Guess I lucked out being the one who could always tell my N where stuff was. Maybe he thought I had special powers or hiding stuff (other than his true self) wasn't a thing for him. Tell me that isn't a 6 year old way of gaming. So sorry for those that have or had to play that.
it's a game
He would always say he lost things and get me to look for them I would sometimes catch him not looking which made me catch on!!
All I can say is, I’m so glad this info is readily available now. It was not available 20 years when I needed it. But!!!! It was enough to end the cycle for me. My second phase of life is bright ! I’m so glad I’m free!
You have no idea how much you're helping me right now. Thank you so much!
You are so welcome!
Me too @@MentalHealness
Thank you for talking about the emotional discard. I definitely felt disconnected 8 months into a two year relationship. I actually ended up reaching out to his previous ex - he stopped imitating kisses, hugs, sex with her 6 months into their relationship. It was very validating to know it wasn’t me, he’s toxic and can’t handle real intimacy
My cycle is one 2-3 week long love bombing/hoover phase, 6-9 month long devaluation/dehumanization phase, 1-3 month emotional discard phase, 1-4 week physical discard attempts, finale is nuclear explosion phase with outcome of jail for him or me to my sisters to stay safe. This happens every year starting mid summer and gets worse as winter kicks in and by Valentine’s Day it’s over. I’m so thankful God hardened my heart towards him cuz he can’t make me fall in love with him but any means this time and he’s about to explode.
I started watching these types of videos thinking he was the narcissistic person and now I can see it was both of us. I am seeing alot of my actions in your shorts. I'm toxic as well thanks for doing these videos!
therapy could help either way
@@MentalHealness your right
You may not appreciate yet how profound that realization is... but you are on the money. I don't believe healing is truly possible without honest, accurate self reflection and personal accountability. You're a step ahead.
Watching these videos I might be a empathic narcissist😮
@@Ayoutubeview12 At its core, narcissism is a coping mechanism ...and it's good at what it does. But there's a difference between situational and pathological narcissism. Now you're starting to see the important distinctions between 'narcissistic' behavior and a capital "N" - Narcissist. Which is great! Because no one is exempt from *acting* narcissistically. Awareness that you have too is a good thing. Avoiding that awareness is what is truly narcissistic.
I literally devalued my husband in one instant- I recognized it with him- it’s how I ended up being diagnosed with NPD. We absolutely believe we are in love & found the 1 in the beginning. It’s wild how quickly we can flip. I have ghosted many men in my time 😢- I’m thankful I am self aware & healing. We aren’t evil folks! We are delusional- remember that & never blame yourself! Every person has flaws. We idolize- that’s why you fall for us- we mean it- then you do something we don’t like & bam the cycle repeats. Self reflect & heal ❤
Good point. People who end up with narcissists often have serious issues of their own that led them into this toxic dynamic.
99% of the time the people who are with narcs have their own toxicities that they’re not self aware about… that’s so true thanks for addressing that.
Codependency
This is so hard to navigate when you have ppl in your life that see the world so differently from you. My spouse's ex, their daughter, my step daughter who lives with us... we live together but we live in different realities... it's hard.
😞😞
He once said “I love you the best way I know how to love.”
It’s funny that you say that y’all don’t like who we really are & we’re the liars but truthfully the narcissist is the one who lies and fakes who they are during the love bombing stage ‼️‼️😭😭 This is so insane and infuriating 😭 Thank God for your videos giving us all the answers we NEED ‼️💯
They physically keep u around, not because they think ur funny, oh please. Really? They keep u around for one thing and one thing ONLY....and that's SUPPLY. Because ur supplying them with a place to stay, food and in SOME cases sex....these demons are PATHETIC.
I told him I wasn't perfect, all my issues so it's still insane that he still saw me as perfect then I ruined that for him 😒
😖
@Rose No one is perfect I mean look at them, yet they have the nerve to judge people for having or doing anything wrong.
100 true spot on it never lasts
It is all thanks to God, supportive family and your selflessness❤. You have my full support and I’ll keep you in my prayers, May a whole lot more people break free from narcissistic abuse in Jesus name. I just want to reaffirm people out there that it’s possible to be free and healed, I was in a narcissist, abusive relationship for 4 years, prayer helped me, listening to you everyday three times a day helped me. You always have my back unlike the narcissist-they are unstable. Let’s break free in Jesus name.
Thank you for your insight into the mind of a Narcissist.
No problem
They love what you say, the way you make them feel at the time. They wish they could be the way you see them and love them.
The perfect image is shattered when the partner stands up for themselves, sets a boundary or creates cognitive dissonance in the narc by having negative emotions to their behaviour
My cycle was longer, month, now it’s literally days. A day. And it starts alll over again, I feel like I’m going insane. I’ve tried to get away so many times.
I LEFT before he discarded me first. 😢😢😢
This (your explanation )seems an accurate explanation of what I have experienced … the things that used to be AOK 👌 are now suddenly or progressively become unappreciated/ criticized / found fault with / not valued even though previously they were celebrated and thankful
It’s my opinion~
~ while the Narcissist is receiving unconditional love their judging when they are the one with the addictions the weird evil behaviors the one with the inability to love….truly a House of Cards~
I love your videos. They’re informational & interesting, but they really help me understand my ex relationship with my sons dad. That relationship was so chaotic. But I take my end of the blame in the fact I knew something was wrong 6 months in, yet I stayed 6 years. It took a lot of self reflection and videos to understand how to keep a positive open dialogue with my sons dad… but 4 years now I can say we’ve been coparenting very well!
He still hates on me in our small town, or sometimes his exes think he’s not over me. But I know it’s only because I’m moved on, and happy. I let him talk. It doesn’t affect me anymore. I know me, and my people know me.
I do wish I could give him advice on his alcoholism. He most likely won’t last another 10 years in my opinion. And he acts like he listens to my advice ( because he loves hearing people are worried for him.. even tho sometimes he focuses on who’s telling me what.. as if that’s the point. ) Is there any way I can help him? Or should I step back? Idk if you answer questions. But I’ll try anyway. 😅
Thanks for breaking it down I understand a little better I need to learn more
Wow this was really done to me. It’s crazy
Thank you for sharing
u help me heal through ur explanations thank u for being honest
you’re welcome ‼️‼️
Make video on marriage cycle- love/arrange, how will they discard in marriage ?
Narcissists sometimes think because you are nonjudgmental and open-minded that you are either weak or people-pleasing. I am neither. Narcissists never stick around. I have had 2 really unappealing people follow me, but ignore them and do not see them much or care. Sometimes people move in with a narcissist, not knowing the person is a narcissist. I will not live with anyone. If I meet someone healthy, who loves me and wants to marry me, and the chemistry is there, I will marry him. People, especially narcissists, do not like being alone, and need a person in their lives. If you live with them and they find someone they like better, or you make them angry, they can just walk away. You learn and grow with healthy people because when you have a problem or disagreement, no one gives up. You work through problems, not run away from them. Basically, narcissists do not like the fact that I know who I am, and will not do what I do not want to do. They do not like that I will laugh because I think it is funny when they want me to do something and I refuse. They can get angry, but try not to show it and then I do not hear anymore from them. Some people are in therapy or have had therapy on and off throughout their lives, but still have a need to control, and have not worked through their anger issues or substance abuse problems. Such is life.
Could not have said it better 👏 🙌 👌
The only connection I can think of is that both are based on the perpetrator’s undue emphasis of his/her own thoughts/emotions. In narcissistic abuse, perpetrators usually expresses the attitude that everything centers around them. They may object to that description and even insist that they don’t believe that; but, their actions say otherwise. Virtually everything you do/don’t do gets tied back to the perpetrator as a person. You’re either doing something right b/c you’re smart, capable, etc., or you’re intentionally doing it wrong in order to hurt/anger the perpetrator in some way. You are also likely to be accused of doing it wrong, even if you’re doing it right-again b/c of the perpetrator’s thoughts/emotions. Toxic positivity is generally not perpetrated with the intention to hurt anyone, and most wouldn’t even recognize it as being toxic/hurtful; but, in most cases, the perpetrator is still oblivious to the effect it has on others, and to the value of that effect. Narcissism is a psychological disorder and, with few exceptions, abuse is perpetrated with the tangible intention of causing harm. In contrast, toxic positivity is a behavioral flaw that is essentially an extreme version of selfishness, based in denial, and is generally perpetrated with the intention of maintaining and creating happiness. Most people are selfish, in some way or another. Toxic positivity is a subtle expression of selfishness-so subtle that even the perpetrator may not realize why it’s wrong b/c, after all, s/he is only seeking to encourage/uplift people. This is where denial comes in. Most people struggle/suffer, at some point or another. I believe that most people are also aware that there are people who experience more pain than they are aware of from their own lives. Denial allows people to look at someone who reminds them of themselves and assume that they cannot be justified in their suffering b/c the observer is not suffering. Denial also allows people who have suffered to deny the significance of other people’s suffering b/c it is notably different from their own, or b/c they perceive it as being notably different. From here, there are 2 extremes: One is for them to be semi-consciously abusive-meaning that they are generally aware that their actions are hurtful; but, they rationalize it as being justified. The other is to perpetrate toxic positivity-in which they are completely unaware that their actions are hurtful and it’s difficult for them to identify why they would be. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when him or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Metaspyhub@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
Thank u for your content!
My relationship is very unaware narcissist and myself a highly aware empath .... And our cycle can be daily weekly for sure.... It's rough and ive tried to move on and I'm aware of the reality of how insanely pointless this is and how much pain I have been through since I met this man...
I've tried every way to make it work...
Isn't it the same, more or less, for everybody? Only the narc goes INTO EXTREEMS.
I was discarded for some one else. He still show up where I worked. Pretty sure it was for a coworker. But not sure who. I ignored him. He tried to hoover me 3 months later. I always felt he was pissed off because I didn't chase him. I would catch him giving me dirty looks.
I hope a narcissistic person stumbles upon this and decides they don't have to be shifty and can change to be a decent person !
Lee thanks for this information.
Is this also true for friendships? Thank you for all your insight and information!
Lee hi, I've been in my relationship for 30 years. Left three times. I gave up finally at Christmas although I'm thinking now because I sussed him out and attempted to make him accountable for his actions, it feels like he turned the mirror on me so I left. I'm an empath and blew up when six weeks later his replaced me. He is now playing victim which seems so brilliantly acted and is telling my daughter that I'm a narcassist, he is ghosting me , yet something tells me he is trying to get back at me with his new woman. His even saying he has PTSD where I've left him three times. I told him three relationship was toxic and finally opened my mouth and went supernova and told him some hurtful truths. He was scared when I threatened to tell his new woman about who he really is. Now I'm left in therapy working on trauma bonding and healing myself. I think he really thinks I'm the narcassist it really annoys me. Is this possible or do uou think his playing mind games and gaslighting me yet again. Help please
You are right - people do friendzone their marriage or relationship, disconnecting physically but remain to an extent emotionally connected. It's not always because of narcisism, but familiarity and complacence, and sometimes a physical sexual disfunction of one or both partners due to a health issue. But if both people are satisfied with that it doesn't have to be a problem.
But the narcissist is creating an idealised version of himself in the beginning. No wonder we get disapointed. 🤣
And then it starts all over again with the hoover. 😂
She tried to keep me in her life, One day I realized something was definitely off with her, did a little digging threatened to expose her, just like that the seductive pics,and videos and sex ended, She finally released her spell. Thank God!!
So true about the victim complex people have around narcissists. Narc abuse is narc abuse no matter what and there's no excusing it, but some of us have toxic traits that fuel the narcissist's behavior. I believe my ex narc would have abused any partner to a degree but I had a lot of toxicity myself when I was with him and I think I brought out the purest ugliest side of his narcissism.
My #1 thing I hate worst is that silent treatment BS. I'm like this, if I don't won't to mess with someone any longer I'll let them know. And if they did something that ticked me off, believe me I'll tell them. Narcissist's going around all silent, not responding to u calls or texts. Be a damned adult Narc person, tell me you don't like me anymore, to F-off, what ever. Just stop acting like a 4yr. old that didn't get to eat his M&M's candy before dinner-time, so it's pouting time again. Even the toddlers will get their littles azzes spanked if they pull that pouting mess on mom. So, if you're a grown-azz man acting like that, don't be surprised if you get "Bitc#h Slapped" because normal people get tired of that NPD pouting BS!!!!😡😈
He told me u don't disturb me I don't disturb u for 2 months then after the weather clears I l think about u😂😂😂 all this when he himself picks up fights argues and then punishes me with silent treatment nd his threats of leaving me a toxic cycle of insecurity nd fear of abandonment
Care is best
I think we are all narcissists. All sensitive. It's how you die to your toxic self that counts. Some do it better then others cross ✝️
Nope. Not everyone is a narcissist. This is NPD- narcissistic personality disorder.
I had a relationship with a woman like this and spot on.
Craved constant attention wanted to have me around as her side piece while she met her true soul mate .
Yeah, block and delete but hilariously narcissist cluster B type in retrospect.
Also a good way of me looking at myself thinking huh why would I allow this ?
Learn and move on . Never deal with that individual again.
Out of interest.... what is it about the realisation of the person not being perfect that makes someone discard. Is it a loss of attraction? Fear? Just wondered 🤔
My ex wife found a new perfect person about once or twice a year.
😞😞
Real loving relationships flourish, both people want it to work. Narcissistic relationships stall and just go through cycles based on the narcissists ever changing emotions. They “care” about what they get from you.🙄
What zodiac sign is evryones narcissist ? Mine was a 🐂 taurus (the bull).
When he started acting like i was lying and trying to flirt with his friend cuz i called his friend when he was out of range on his cell phone all day or his phone died i was super pissed because.... I called to check and make sure he was alright NOT to flirt.
That shit will throw a libra ♎️ ⚖️ like myself, into a fn rage. Because of the huge unfairness factor and extreme bs.
I think he didnt know what hit him when he dated a libra. We never give up until justice is served.
Astrology is bs.
Yep I got the hamburger with the lot😢😢😢
My narcissist was also a recovering alcoholic. He would discard me more than once in the name of his recovery. Everytime he would leave I would show my support and then eventually just leave him alone completely. But he would always come back never more than a month. Why does he come back? And how do you decipher between narc and addiction?
And every time he came back, he would up his game.. let's move in.. to let's get married.. your best and only friend... Is it really all fake?
@@crissybarton24 Fake or not, he cannot be consistent. He comes and goes. I want stability if someone says they love me.
I think the real question here is why are you letting him back?
@@fenlandwildlifeclips because I always tried to be supportive of his recovery. No one really talks too much about the addiction side, they say they can be addicts, but I guess they're always being narcs first, addicts second? I haven't taken back this time, because no matter which one is hurting me I've had enough. I was just curious. I have my own trauma to deal with now, and I am finally putting myself first. He's already drinking and calling me begging for help, but I can't be his rescuer anymore. Thanks for responding to my comment
Doesn't sound like a settled relationship anyway! Find someone more stable.
What if he/she tell that your holding them back from finding a better partner or did u put something in their food!
Nah! He never loved me or cared just wanted to use me for supply, lie to me, cheat on me and steal from me. And now I'm just in the phase of I'm going to torture him and there's nothing he can do to stop it 😂😂😂
The devaluation phase is evil ..name calling belittleng spit in the face .physical violence threats of violence with weapons financial abuse sad the move bomb phase it will call someine to never date again its wicked cruel
I know I shattered the perfect image, I did it on purpose bcoz I saw through the mask.
They must use the 3 stage cycle because if they don't it feels like they will certainly die. Plus they have to put you in the position of the mother that hurt them. This is why the sex stops they can't have sex with their mom. The 3 stages has to do with separation from their mom. They were not allowed to separate from the mother when they were children and had no power to protect themselves against her. So now that they are grown up adults they feel now I can separate from mother and abandon her like she did me and hurt her like she hurt me then I'll become a man . As children they could not have their autonomy, and for the rest of their lives they will be looking to have that separation from the mother this is why they devalue and dump you. It's not you their getting rid of its mom, recreation is what they want so they can finally finish the battle with mom. You as a person never really existed in their mind, you never existed to begin with. Unfortunately
Is narc petsonality disorder a mental illness
Is it possible to stay in the love bombing phase with a narcissist?
No never! They all go thru the same phases but not necessarily in the same time limits! All relationships go thru peaks and troughs but narc always follows the pattern, otherwise they are not a narc!
Do they cheat when they are lovebombing?
In short yes !
They can be! Narc I knew was married but at the same time saying to get engaged to me and at the same time having another enabler, who he called a friend who came and went.
❤❤❤❤
If you immediately leave at the first sign of devaluation, will the narcissist also ghost you forever, or try to hoover? I guess it depends on the narcissist and their level of rejection sensitivity, as well as how much value they derive or could continue to derive from you as supply, (despite the emotional discard).
I definitely agree with how sensitive they are to rejection and what you have to offer. I also think it depends on if they have a backup/new supply to run to. They’ve realized they can’t push through your boundaries or break you down. They get tired and need someone else to lick their wounds until they are strong/confident enough to go on the prowl again. 🧛🏻♂️ No point in going back to someone that has seen through their facade and isn’t going to put up with the bs. The guy I was with had an ex that was desperately waiting for him to come back. I’m guessing that’s who he’s with for now. I highly doubt he’s going to hoover back, too many blows to his little ego. 😇🤷🏻♀️
❤️
Am I a narcissist because I liked a guy after a few weeks of dating and asked for commitment? I definitely can say I liked him a lot and complimented him a lot but I easily tossed him to the side because he wouldn’t commit. I’m not sure if that made me a narcissist 🤷🏽♀️
The fact that you're even worried about it tells me you way more than likely are not, but from a guy's perspective, if you're pressuring me for commitment three weeks in I'm definitely going to run on my own.
@@johnnycorn7225 but if you were a guy and a woman told you she wants commitment and you don’t, yet you don’t run and You still contact her, how does that work?
@@ericalashay0209 in that situation most guys will still try to contact a girl to test her and see how interested she is in him and not just what comes with his commitment. Any guy with his head screwed on right knows that a girl is not interested in him after only three weeks in a serious enough way to commit as she can't possibly know him well enough personally yet.
@@johnnycorn7225 I guess in some cases it works like that for people but in other cases people immediately know that’s their person. So I guess in this case I felt like he was my person but he didn’t feel like I was his. Which is cool with me. I know I’m not everybody’s cup of tea. I’ll contact him back and we text briefly, but I’ve moved on mentally from me wanting something he didn’t want. He told me he didn’t want commitment atm because of his job and he can’t put his all into his work and focus on a relationship, so idk. Idk if he thinks I’m waiting on him or was I supposed to but I’m not. 🤷🏽♀️ how long does it usually take you to establish a relationship?
@@ericalashay0209 I do remember what you're talkin about when it clicks right away. While many psychologists are quick to dismiss it as an associative reaction where someone reminds you of past trauma but I have seen the phenomenon happened many times in life and work.
I wouldn't give up on that guy yet if I were you because he's been so up front about everything.
Please tell discard in marriage, does divorce keep happening lol 😂
Sounds like Bpd
If you and a narcissist both push each other away, what are the chances that the narcissist will still come back around? Lol
I’m is not the Bible. Please
Don’t say that . Thank you .
Huh
@@jde9711 run!
@antoinette, I don't understand your remark. Your remark is not in the Bible either. 😂♥️