Meanwhile, I was married to a drug addict… I left him in hopes that he’d sober up for us to rekindle. He sobered up yes, then met a new woman… I miss him every day.
Drunks are such a pain in every way.....the whining when they do not get their way. Whine! Lie! Deceive! Yell! Disrespect! They absolutely suck. You cannot reason with them. I pray you FINALLY have had enough and will listen to Dr John. This advice is spot on. Leave NOW. Take your life back. You are worthy.
She's so scared that she's in denial. This isn't a life! Cindy, you deserve someone who spends time with you and is emotionally present! You can still have a beautiful life! Move on from this dead weight and find freedom!!
It’s really sad because she knows his behavior isn’t right but she deeply loves him and who he is when he isn’t drinking and is having a serious struggle giving up finally that he will never change and that her hope to have the sober husband that she loves being around is dead. I imagine that has to be pretty challenging especially if you’ve been married to someone for 30+ years. It’s so sad when you hear someone who knows what they should do but really doesn’t want to do it.
And I think a very real concern she has that she isn’t bringing up is that she knows if she isn’t around to help limit his consumption of alcohol and that he is given full reign to consume as much alcohol as he desires that he will be dead within a short amount of time because sadly the limitations she’s placed on him are probably one of the reasons he’s even still alive.
This poor soul is a perfect example of of the total INSANITY addiction spreads around itself. I know exactly how she feels and is going through! What an eye opener!!
I totally relate to this caller. I lived with a severe alcoholic for 13 years. I could have written her script. The kids and I begged him not drink on holidays or family get togethers...he agreed and then would get so drunk that he would pass out anywhere...a chair, the kitchen floor, the living room floor...everywhere. Everyone walked by or stepped over him without saying a word and myself and the kids were mortified. I didn't want to leave him because I knew he would die if I weren't there trying to control him. I finally did and I was right. He drank himself to death one night two months after I moved out of the home. It took me 5 years to get over of guilt. I finally came to realize that it was his choice and there was nothing I could have done to change his trajectory. He was the only one that had the power to do that.
I am so sorry for your loss. I understand the feelings of guilt. I am glad you have come to understand he had the power to get help. This tragedy was not your fault ❤
I’m with an alcoholic and I fear he will die all the time and at times wanted to leave but I have a really bad feeling if I do leave he will die for sure. Being in this situation is like hell because even if you want to leave you care enough that you know what could happen if you do leave! I feel trapped!
I have a similar fear of his death. Over the past 12 months, his drinking buddies have been dying. Every three months, one dies. His closest beer buddy died two weeks in theater while they were fixing his heart.
After 7 years of marriage I left my addict husband. At some point you realize how unacceptable what you are going through is. I lost myself and that scared me more than anything. I made the choice not to have kids with him because deep down I knew I was going to leave. There is life on the other side and it’s beautiful! Was it hard yes it was the hardest thing I ever had to do but I love myself enough to say enough is enough. I love myself even more now knowing that I can do anything. I wish I can hug her and tell her that she deserves better.
Me and my husband have been together since 2012. We were both in active addiction together. I was able to keep a roof over my head and pay bills. He was in and out of jail. In 2019 I quit drugs and April 6 of 2020 I quit drinking. My husband was sober for two years. At this point we got married. The last year and a half have been excruciating. We bought a house together. Guess who’s been paying the mortgage for the last year and a half me. Guess how long we’ve lived in this house a year and a half. He’s probably only lived here four months. I just found out tonight that he used again. He’s been living in sober living. This last week I kept saying did you get the Vivitrol shot? Because I knew he should’ve gotten it last week. He’s on my phone plan. I gave him a car that I had paid off and told him not to fight me on this house. That was this summer. I don’t wanna go backwards. Come Monday I’m going to talk to a lawyer. I can’t do this anymore. He is using fentanyl. We have lost so many people. My heart is breaking, and I had some hope. But I’ve always been here to pick up the pieces. I can’t pick up his pieces. I have an amazing job, support in recovery and family. I was never able to have children. It was probably for the best.
@@Onelightoftheworld I have a comparable story. We used coke recreationally occasionally … He then used daily… Then he moved to smoking crack, which eventually progressed to fentanyl. We tried to get him to quit so many times, but he kept going back. At the time our son was four. We sold our cottage, two days before the money came in, he relapsed and bought an ounce of Coke. I had no idea. That night he claimed to be working overtime at work, but stayed a lot later than an overtime shift usually runs. My gut told me it was a lie. I checked his work he wasn’t there. I then went back to the home he wasn’t there and then continued back to his work and called him. He claimed he was at work we got into a fight. He said he wasn’t coming home that he will not live with being stalked…. that night, he got into a really bad car accident (a single car). He wrote off his truck. I stayed up all night, I went to the hospital to get them the next morning, after taking the day off work. He continued to yell and berate me all the way home, accuse me of cheating on him, called me names. I took my son and left that day. That was three years ago, the guilt of leaving him eats me every day. He got clean about 4 months later and started dating a girl 4 1/2 months after that. been with her ever since. And he’s still clean, our son is seven.
My alcoholic husband didn’t want to quit drinking, after he got 2 DUI, I’ve had it. I had therapy, went to Al-Anon meetings but I couldn’t take the chaos and insanity of alcoholism anymore. We separated after 37 years of marriage, I’m much happier now and it’s nice to have serenity and peace. I receive alimony and half of his social security and I’m very grateful.
I had to finally say “ I’m done”. Fortunately, my husband chose to go to rehab and AA. Even if he had not, I was done and had to mean it. Our children were young, one less than a year old. I had to be done.
I am afraid to give my husband that ultimatum. I fear he will choose alchohol over his son and I. I know I need to face it because it just gets worse and worse .
@amandael7821 That is such a sad situation to have to make a decision on and how difficult that has to be. As someone who has no skin in the game I would mention that the sad reality is that delaying it won’t change whatever choice he makes and it would seemingly be better to rip the band aid off rather than having it continue to happen. But my view view of it means Jack because I have no skin in it and I know this has to be extremely difficult for you. I really hope for you that you gain the peace and comfort to make the decision that’s best for you and your son and that you both live with the care and happiness you deserve.
This is my life exactly. But my kids are 10 and 14. We need true words. We are living in denial. Its hurting my daughter. When they were little i could cover up for him cause they didnt understand. Now they are old enough and are being mentally damaged from Him. He got a DUI last night on the way to a Christian retreat. Where i hoped he would get prayer and help. He never made it. Got drunk on the way and i get a call from an officer He also has diabetes so they had to send him to the hospital because his vitals were bad. And.. Its always the same talk. "im gonna change" This video was a wake up call for me
My alcoholic also has diabetes I constantly fear he will die! At times I want to leave but I do love and care about him but honestly not in love anymore because he isnt really there for me mentally and emotionally.
It’s been a while. But my husband finally quit. Been a few weeks. Ultimately he drank and drove, got a DUI.. if he gets caught with a drink when driving again, he will go to jail 20 days. I think he needed this to wake up.
My mom chose to stay bc she loves my alcoholic dad. I’m the oldest of 3 daughters. We endured so much embarrassment, guilt and shame as innocent children. I did for the first 25 years of my life, Every other night, I lost sleep, he was belligerent and verbally abusive. Went to school from kindergarten-college living w/ half the sleep I was supposed to have. My self esteem was non existent It ruined my life. Now I struggle to be in a loving healthy relationship. I do not trust. It feels impossible. My experience traumatized me and I wish my mom took me & my sisters out of that situation. Especially to give my dad a wake up call to get help.
Hi I lived this life too. My mom never left. She never protected us. He beat us and berated and punished us brutally. Now I have PTSD severe depression and anxiety, very low self esteem and confidence. I’m an adult , wife mother grandmother and still struggle with fear and trust. I forgave both my parents. My dad got too old to be drinking heavily. My mom quit drinking. But it’s hard for me to not forget what they put me through, they never told us I love you
This poor woman is deep in codependency. She doesn't know what it means to put her own needs first, or even recognize her own needs. My mother was the same way with my father.. He wasn't an alcoholic during my childhood, but he was in the service and used alcohol to cope after getting out, before I was born. My mother put her foot down and there was no more drinking, but he still didn't heal. Even though there was no alcohol, he behaved like a drunk, emotionally. He was emotionally and mentally abusive. He had untreated mental illness and the emotional maturity of an 8 year old. My mother infantilized him, even picked out his clothes and got him in the shower. It got to the point where she allowed him to medically neglect her as she died of cancer, and I had to sit back and watch, helpless. She was definitely codependent. She had no boundaries, and we as a family had none. It was infuriating to watch and grow up with. I used to daydream that we'd do get an apartment and finally be emotionally safe. I wrote in my journal at 10 years old that I refused to repeat that cycle. This woman doesn't want a divorce because that's what love is to her, to love someone through their illness, even if it means not loving herself. That's what was modeled for her, and it's wrapped up in denial and fantasy. She doesn't want a broken home, but her home is already and always has been broken.
Yes. You’ve said it well. I’m sorry you had to watch your family suffer like that for so long, especially your poor mom. Sometimes people just can’t imagine living any other way…
In addiction there's only room for 2 - the addict & the addiction. There is no room for family, for putting others needs above their own selfishness, no room for anything positive. Only brings destruction & heart break. Accept the reality & plan from that place.
Totally agree, exept for the word 'selfishness'. Because they are not doing it for themselves, they are doing it for the addiction. Like these homesless addicts who sell their food stamps and need to prostitute themselves for their drug. They don't do it because it benefits them. It doesn't. It hurts them in every possible way. It only benefits the addiction. Don't confuse the addiction with their 'self'. Addiction is the disease that lives within them. It has hijacked their brains and it makes them act the way they do.
Even a functional drunk who never gets a DUI or DWI, never hits anyone or is abusive in anyway, still has a liver that can only take so much. Even if nothing else he'd need to limit or stop his alcohol intake for his liver alone
This is my situation. You are very correct. I do still experience the stress and the mental games addicts play. I feel very lonely. Emotional abuse is still very present. But he still thinks he is the best man I have ever known.
Sounds like me and my ex. Weed and alcohol. I felt just like her. I had to step away and realize i didnt wanna live like him. He is so kind and loving which made it so hard. I feel for her.
Same here. My alcoholic, who also smokes cigarettes, makes it so hard to leave him. But he doesn’t give me what I emotionally need. Or the life I think I want.
As a recovering alcoholic I will say she is going about it all wrong. She’s basically enabling his behavior and he’s sick with a disease that will never allow him to stop on his own. So it’ll always be tomorrow, tomorrow.. Well, tomorrow never comes for an alcoholic. He needs to get help TODAY, but you need to show some tough love. My wife threatened to leave if I didn’t get help with my problem. When I realized the severity of losing her and everything else alcohol wanted to steal from me. I manned up and got the help and i’m sober today! Best decision I ever made in my life too. I hope he decides to accept help.
My husband has done the same! He even lets me go with him to therapy now. For the last 3 years his therapist has taught me how to be a supportive wife without enabling him. Without reacting to any emotional manipulation. And doing so as an adult not me acting like his mommy or me acting like a kid. His therapist has taught me how to live a life of peace and that I should focus on me. Not him. I didn’t cause the addiction and I can’t fix him. He has been sober 3 going on 4 years. I was an emotional binge eater before we met. While mine had no chance of getting me arrested, I was at risk for cardiac arrest. I would secretly spend money on fave foodz and eat till I couldn’t eat anymore. I also had an online shopping addiction. Our bank accounts are not joined. I even deleted Amazon yesterday, and I don’t spend much time on my phone anymore. Our bills are always paid, we have savings, 401 K etc. Still, none of the addictions are necessary! Congrats on being sober and being a better husband to your wife! I know it’s hard!
I wish I could hug this woman and get her in touch with my momma. I’m an adult child of a recovering alcoholic. Me and my siblings are close in age to her kids. I remember when my mom was in her shoes. I know how her kids feel. Learning to love an alcoholic well requires a total change in how we think we are supposed to love people. Al-anon is a super great place to start ❤️
I love how Dr. John is blunt, real, honest, and compassionate all at the same time. He doesn’t beat around the bush he wants to confront the issues head on! He does a good job!
God bless you Cindy. I don't know if you'll see this, but I wanted to share what I've been going through the last year with my dad (and on and off for 40 years). Four months ago I forced my father to choose alcohol or his family. He chose alcohol. So I cut off communication. I honestly thought he'd choose us because he's a good person. I'd go as far as to say my dad is a great man when he's not drinking. But he still didn't choose us. It's such a strong addiction with some people. Three weeks ago he ended up in the hospital and was forced into detox by 8 days in the ICU. Your husband is sick. Either he goes into rehab, AA, or you leave. Or you live the life you've been living. There are no options beyond those. Edit: I wanted to add, he's going to hit an age where his alcoholism becomes a legit disability or leads to other disabilities. Don't stick around for that. It only gets worse.
I hope she reads your comment. I’ve watched it happen more than once. The liver needs water… which alcoholics won’t consume… so when the liver starts to go, it starts to deplete the brain of water, & then it goes to 100% complete insanity. I had a roommate who eventually went through liver failure, after sobering up a couple of times. The last year of his life he had switched from beer to hard liquor, because he reasoned that liquor didn’t affect him like beer did. He died of liver failure two weeks before his 48th birthday. He was actually a really good dude, so I refused to contribute to his self destruction. He knew the rules of the house ; no alcohol consumption. He came home one day obviously intoxicated, & I threw him out the following morning. There was no reason for all of us to suffer.
I know exactly how she feels. My husband is the exact same way. Drinks every night til he goes to sleep. He works hard and is a good guy but the drinking is out of control. Hell get home about 7-9 pm and drink til 1-2 am then pass out. I have no clue how he gets up in the morning and goes to work. He spends like 500 or more a month on beer and when he smoked it was 8-900 a month. Then when we have no money it’s my fault for shopping and spending money. Which I do do. I have threatened to leave and even begged him to stop drinking and nothing changes. I’m currently secretly saving up to get outta here on my own
She needs to read “ Co-Dependent No More” It changed my life. 40 years ago I married an alcoholic when I was 21 years old and quickly realized this wasn’t gonna work. Thank God I had the support to leave him after just a Couple of years and two kids later. It’s save me from the life of misery because he kept drinking and essentially died from his alcoholism. You got it in your to do this, just do it.
If she divorces him he will move in with another woman that will drink with him or take care of him. And this lady will probably live the rest of her life single. Thats the reward of staying with a drunk that many years.
I'm starting to think being single is not a punishment. After being married to an addict for almost 10 years, being single seems like a blessing. Sure, it is lonely, but you haven't experienced true loneliness until you give your life over to an addict.
I needed to hear this. Filed for divorce from my alcoholic 6 mos ago - just have to wait for the process as he wont sign it. He was arrested at my kids school, dui and fired from work for being drunk at 10 am. He hasnt worked in three years, while I continue to do everything. It was still hard for me to make the decision. I understand her pain very well. Agree with the book Codependent No More - it helped me get to the point where I could walk away.
Enough is the right advice. I went through this, my boys are 31 & 27. I was with my husband 32 years, my regret was I stayed and the boys witness all his crap. He could leave work early to go to the bar, but not to attend a school function. It was like waiting for Jeckle or Hyde to come home. He disconnected from us and my mistake was I let my sons witness this and traumatized them by staying. Today, I’m HAPPILY DIVORCED 8 years. When your house is on fire you need to get out, save yourself. My regret not leaving 15 years earlier, and not letting the kids live in turmoil.
Going through this now. Alcohol and drugs with mine. Hes manipulative and a gaslighter. I hate I stayed so long. Im getting out now. I hope he hits rock bottom soon…it will be the only way he stops. Hes an extremely selfish person.
This lady needs to GET OUT. Is it easy? No. Is it fun? No. It took me forever to leave my ex. He has numerous addictions. The caller said her husband used to spend $500 a month on alcohol. That’s $6000 a year. Think of all the savings, investments, and trips that money could have paid for. I hope this caller has the courage to leave. Life is better without having to deal with an addict.
I sure do too. It’s awful and sad. She’s trying so hard to hold onto a life she thinks she has…and the reality is that her entire life is in service to HIS addiction.
I wish I had a wife like her. Giving her husband credit for being a great guy for 8 hours out of the day and wrecking the other 16 hours. Feel bad for her. She's in her own little world and nobody can convince her otherwise
It's a tough life to live being the only stable one in the relationship without vices bleeding finances dry. I lived that myself for years. Luckily we weren't married and could just separate easily but it definitely still damages you mentally in the split. But in the after thought you realize how much they were dragging you down even if you love them to death. Feels liberating to pay off that debt and be able to take care of yourself honestly
Would love an update on this story. Hope Cindy got out and is healing. I could have easily ended up in this situation down the road, but thankfully I got out two years into it 🙏 Sending love to Cindy.
I was in love with a man who went from a drinker to an alcoholic and I didn't see it coming. After a few years of taking him to detox and watching him go to rehab and then check himself out early because he could 'do it on his own', I finally left and broke off all contact (at the advice of a therapist). It hurt, because this was the man I was going to marry. He was a dear person and I loved him, but it was the best decision. We can't 'fix' other people. And we have to get off the merry-go-round. With love in our hearts and also remembering that we have the right to happy lives. I wish you all the best!
It is really hard when the one you love is damaged and broken. Eventually as lovely as they seem, they end up damaging you. Really hope she learns to recognise that she is enabling him. She needs to leave him and learn to love herself and get therapy if she can afford it.
A "good person" wouldn't put his family through this. Thank you, John, for giving this lady a wake up call. What she is doing can not work. My best friend had an alcoholic husband. I phoned Al-Anon. One thing they said has stuck with me for over 30 years. It was " the spouse of an alcoholic is as sick an the alcoholic mate.". Yeah . . . Bingo!!! And, yes, both individual and family counseling was needed.
Most alcoholics are good people. Just very very sick. In AA we call it insanity. Know alot of alcoholics with 30 plus years sober and they are good people. Unfortunately most alcoholics drink themselves to death. 2.8 million globaly every year. Insidious evil disease for what it does to the alcoholics and their families
Some people can't see themselves starting over, or don't think they're strong enough. I did it, twice. I'm no one special. Just carefully make a plan, and execute it step by step.
@@alladreamwedreamed yeah it was a huge change for me. im 50 and am having to start over after being a stay at home mom too. But my soul is in a better place. I know I can do it, I just need to save up money and plan my retirement.
Yes I stay with my x 24 years and at the time I was growing up in my families belief is it to keep a marriage together! after my kids were grown I just finally said I’m done no screaming no yelling. I just was done with the whole drama that goes with drinking and having a drunk for a husband.
I wish I could connect with this woman. Our situations are incredibly similar. I'm as lost as she is. You only really understand this situation if you are living it. You're in my heart, Cindy. If there's any way you see this, please message me Cindy.
This reminds me of my parents. I’m 30 years old, married and have my own family now. But my Dad still has an addiction problem to alcohol. Drinks every single day. Makes me so sad. He says once he retires he will stop drinking, but I know that’s not going to happen. And I know my mom will never leave him.
I also married to a alcoholic, day by day he is torturing me and my kids emotional, verbally and physically. Also he trapped me in qatar under civil rental case i am not able to travel to my country back. Totally blank out, i am trapped 😢
This is my life. It’s relieving to know I’m not alone but I understand where she is coming from. Leaving doesn’t feel like an option even though it really is the best one. I’m so torn.
Cindy, you are so brave to call in and speak up. Thank you for your braveness and willingness. I needed to hear what Dr. John said in response to your share and that wouldnt have happened had you not shown uo. I hope you chose yourself. I am in the process of choosing me. It's really hard. ❤
He’s wonderful but when drinking he’s NOT emotionally available 😢 I have the same exact husband, we just celebrated our 30 year anniversary! Praying for you and me Cindy, we both need strength to love ourselves! John you are amazing, love listening to your words of wisdom!
Made me so sad to hear this. She describes what I grew up in and at least she recognizes he is an alcoholic. Thanks for your clear-headed compassion, Dr. John. Kudos for communicating some hard truths so kindly. I pray the lady can act on them.
The relationship has continued for so long because she has compromised with his illness. She takes him along to parties as if he will be able to control himself and have reasonable boundaries, and is always surprised when he doesn't. She gives him an allowance, but he resents the fact that he cannot buy as much hooch as his heart desires. That isn't recovery, and his behavior shows it. His legacy to her is daily betrayal. I wish there was something that could be done to rebuild their marriage, but he doesn't seem to want that. He destroyed his Life and everything and everyone around him. I will pray that support and resources emerge to help her rebuild her Life without him, and for her heart.
As a borderline alcoholic and struggling adhd human. This touches home. I’m so disappointed in myself and unsatisfied. I have a huge failure complex. And I’m so tired from up at 3 am everyday 12-14 hours a day. And no good feedback from my immediate loved ones. I’ve failed them and need to change. I try so hard too. :( I love Delony. Had my very first therapy session yesterday . Fingers crossed.
Her desire not to have a broken home is driving much of this. Let that go, Cindy, this is worse. The best thing you can do for you AND him is to go your separate ways. Maybe he needs it to reach rock bottom. You are both enabling each other in this toxic situation. Wishing you strength.
This is everything im dealing with from my husband except 20 years, 3 kids, and its pot, not alcohol. I'm so tired of competing with a plant he holds on this pedestal. So, no danger really, but now its bleeding over to our teenagers and i'm at a loss.
Walking away from my husband and marriage was the hardest and most painful thing I’ve ever done. He hates me for it and told so many lies to our friends and family so I lost them too. It’s taken 3 years for anxiety to leave me and it still occasionally rears its head. He is now with someone new and that hurts too, we are now divorced. My husband did get emotionally abusive, he was physically abusive three times but the threat of it becoming physical was always there. But it was when he was hung over or needing a drink, he was lovely 3-4 drinks in and then he would isolate himself. 7 days per week. I just couldn’t continue to live such a lonely life constantly trying to lunate damage, watching my back walking on egg shells. Being the scape goat and emotional punch bag. I realised I was enabling it by doing so. I moved out asking him to get help and he chose not to. It’s unbelievably heartbreaking to go through this but you have to accept it for what it is. The long term damage that’s done by staying is huge and it’s to all involved, kids you and him. You only have one life to live. You can not live it trying to find a way to change it. Only he can do that and it will only happen if he wants it to.
He needs to want to change, if he is going to get sober. I am a recovering alcoholic. It has gotten so much better, once I gave it up. I've been sober for 2-1/2 years now and it is fantastic. He needs to change. Otherwise, you need to leave him.
She is so trauma bonded to him. She cannot save him, she isn’t a therapist or his therapist. Only he can want to change, she can’t make him change. He is narcissistic and will never stop his bad behaviors. She is enabling his behavior.
I walked out of a marriage with an addict / alcoholic after 6 years. We did not have kids bc I didn’t want to bring them into this !No way no how would I stay. He did detox, rehab, AA, and continued his cycle of staying sober, sneaking out to drink , drug, come home 3 sheets to the wind. What an angry depressed nasty drunk he was. I am a Professional and didn’t need him to support me. After I left, he got with another girl, was drinking heavily one night she felt threatened, called the Police. A rookie showed up, my ex had a gun and killed the poor rookie cop. He’s in Prison for life, I’m away but have PTSD over this man. I fear he’s coming for me because I testified against him in court. And the Rookie is dead he was a newlywed. This life is not easy and is torture on your soul . I’m remarried, we drink on rare occasions for holiday maybe. I grew up in an alcoholic household. It’s tough on kids and spouses it’s the worst I do not recommend it. My heart goes out to Cindy 💟🙏🏼
Cyndy, I don't want to be harsh but your home is broken. You are far, far better to have a healthier parent living separately. I wish you all the best and please reply if you need someone to support. Seriously, a lot of people totally get it ❤️.
Wow this is honest feedback and I'm so glad John speaks truth in love. Poor woman is in abject denial. She is enabling him sadly coz she's co dependent and the trauma of addiction has affected her and she's lost in this.
DIVORCE is an option. I’m living my best life post divorce. Published a book on finding true WHOLENESS after divorce called “THE SUN ALWAYS PIERCES THROUGH” 🌧️ ☀️
You are worth so much more Cindy. I have an alcoholic mother, my dad wouldve never left her. she ended leaving him, she's still miserable but my dad is finally ok.. your kids deserve better too...
After being married to an alcoholic I learned that whatever you think you know about how much they drink, multiply that 10 fold. He’s probably drinking from the minute his eyes open. He only starts actually drinking around you in the afternoon because that’s acceptable. He also most likely drinks at work. If you were to talk to his coworkers I’d bet you’d get a completely different picture from the one he paints
I just had my spouse leave a few days ago. I had it after 5 years. We have a 2 year old and a 8 month old baby. I’ve tried everything with him. He drinks and does cocaine along with it and I don’t see him for half the week. He drives drunk and spends a lot money and is in debt with credit cards. I have spent all my savings trying to get by and paying mostly everything. He as his bro to era house and now he’s acting resentful and wanting to take the kids to spend the night with him when he knows everyone in his family drinks. I’m heartbroken and dissatisfied that he never went and got help. I was there for him. I have so many regrets.
What is this man running from??? It's a big monster, whatever it is. I can tell how much she loves him. I can hear it in her voice. She doesn't want to give up on him. She doesn't want to see him die if she leaves. But he has to want the help. This woman deserves the best therapist ever.
I don’t know how she has done this for 30 years. I couldn’t make it 30 months. It’s really sad that she spent the majority of her adult life dealing with this.
I don’t know either.. I been with my partner for 15 years and he’s been drinking for 9 years now. Been working on a move out plan since right before the pandemic started. That threw a wrench in my plans but I’ll still be leaving. Countless holidays, birthdays and just regular dinners ruined.
Me too. I could barely survive 14 months of this relationship and my therapist asked “why are you still here?”. Fortunately I was financially independent and had my own place to stay. But man it was THE HARDEST thing I have ever done. But I am glad I did it. I still miss him and probably love him to this day but what I am not is constantly paranoid and feel small.
I have been married 35 years, and my husband leaves work to go to the bar every day. Mine is physically abusive but often says mean things, nor drink at our family functions but did not want to stay long. So sad, but at 65,
Poor Cindy - this is absolute madness. The best thing for him is for her to leave. That may be a low enough bottom for him to get his sh*t together (and this is coming from a recovered alcoholic myself). She needs to run, not walk, join AlAnon, and find a therapist. Like yesterday. Poor woman, my heart hurts for her.
SMH. Cindy parents messed her up. She’s so detached, she’s talking about the kids like they’re 6 and 9. She said they’re almost 30! GIRL!!! You even having to make a phone call after this long is a sign enough. I can only imagine what them kids went through. 30 damn years. Nah. Stay with him. They ain’t have a choice. Now you stay with him and deal with it. Now you “done” after he done jacked up the kids. Naaaaahhh STAY!
I can relate to Cindy’s challenges. The best thing I did for myself, after realizing I couldn’t stay, was go to Al Anon and meet other amazing people in the same sitch who helped me slowly realize what I needed to do next. It’s brutal to go to the first meeting, but hang in there. That’s just your body catching up with your mind about dealing with the hard truth. You have to save yourself because this way of life is taking you down with it. Find an Al Anon group that fits your vibe. I liked the third one I tried because it was all women and we met on Saturday mornings.
I grew up with an alcoholic father it is a losing proposition. My Mom stayed way too long the damage was done to our family . Get out of the mess he is never going to stop . Just ask your kids they will let you know how they also feel .
Sadly we enable them. I understand where she’s coming from. But it’s all excuses. Sounds frustrating I wish she can just leave him. Not forever but a separation is what’s best here.
See my thing is my husband is a right now passed out missed my artshow- chose to go get drunk at a friends and now is asleep on the floor. So I drink- alone- but I don’t want to be him- I am an ex addict of I v drug use- I do not want to be in this life anymore.oh I so understand her and thank you for this message- I needed to hear it.
My daughter is in this situation. She tried to do an intervention with his family taking part. After that, she is being attacked by his family. She loves her husband and he is a good man. He has refused to stop drinking. His health is being severely affected. He drinks bourbon by the bottle and now added shots of tequila , goes to bed at 3:00am. He has his own business so he goes to work.They have teenagers that see all this going on. It’s a sad situation for him and his family.
Cindy this may be too late but please go to alanon, this is for friends and family if alcoholics. I get where you are coming from Cindy I did exactly what you are doing for over 20 years. Alanon helped me so much. Please stop enabling and find the courage for you. You can do this x
I tried to leave my alcoholic husband but got stuck due to circumstances out of my control. Now I'm 42 and my life consists of me (and our children) changing his diapers every 2 hours, dumping out his urinal, cleaning out rotting flesh, managing his dialysis and nursing appointments, doing home pt and ot
I left after 37 years and no one supported me, 4 adult daughters are replacing me as his keepers, which was one reason I stayed to stop that from happening. everyone abandoned me. They now mother him, cater to him, and he got my grands too. They see him as hero and me the villian.
I was in her situation for several years. I have grieved the death of the husband/best friend/soul mate that I loved more than I loved myself. When I see my husband, I'm no longer in love with this guy. My husband that I loved is dead.
Alcoholism has been described as a slow trudge to the grave, and who can argue with that. I am so thankful my mother left my father when I was 9, I have still struggled all my life with relationships with men, but it could have been much worse had she stayed. No stability with an alcoholic and as a child you can sense that. Worse thing you can do is stay with a man with an addiction it will haunt your children their entire lives, forget about them loving their dad that will pale in comparison to the damage being done living in this poisonous environment. Run like your hair is on fire and get out.
I was married to an alcoholic. The only regret i have is not leaving sooner.
Same.
Meanwhile, I was married to a drug addict… I left him in hopes that he’d sober up for us to rekindle. He sobered up yes, then met a new woman… I miss him every day.
@@scoobygirl576 😢
Drunks are such a pain in every way.....the whining when they do not get their way. Whine! Lie! Deceive! Yell! Disrespect! They absolutely suck. You cannot reason with them. I pray you FINALLY have had enough and will listen to Dr John. This advice is spot on. Leave NOW. Take your life back. You are worthy.
Can totally relate!
Alcoholism sux 😢💔
She's so scared that she's in denial. This isn't a life! Cindy, you deserve someone who spends time with you and is emotionally present! You can still have a beautiful life! Move on from this dead weight and find freedom!!
🙌🏽
It’s really sad because she knows his behavior isn’t right but she deeply loves him and who he is when he isn’t drinking and is having a serious struggle giving up finally that he will never change and that her hope to have the sober husband that she loves being around is dead. I imagine that has to be pretty challenging especially if you’ve been married to someone for 30+ years. It’s so sad when you hear someone who knows what they should do but really doesn’t want to do it.
And I think a very real concern she has that she isn’t bringing up is that she knows if she isn’t around to help limit his consumption of alcohol and that he is given full reign to consume as much alcohol as he desires that he will be dead within a short amount of time because sadly the limitations she’s placed on him are probably one of the reasons he’s even still alive.
I totally get that, but the trade-off is being alone forever, and not finding someone that we all deserve as a person.
@@Matt-cr4vvIt's equally possible that he would quickly reel in another emotionally vulnerable.woman with a low self esteem who'd just replace Cindy.
This poor soul is a perfect example of of the total INSANITY addiction spreads around itself. I know exactly how she feels and is going through! What an eye opener!!
I totally relate to this caller. I lived with a severe alcoholic for 13 years. I could have written her script. The kids and I begged him not drink on holidays or family get togethers...he agreed and then would get so drunk that he would pass out anywhere...a chair, the kitchen floor, the living room floor...everywhere. Everyone walked by or stepped over him without saying a word and myself and the kids were mortified. I didn't want to leave him because I knew he would die if I weren't there trying to control him. I finally did and I was right. He drank himself to death one night two months after I moved out of the home. It took me 5 years to get over of guilt. I finally came to realize that it was his choice and there was nothing I could have done to change his trajectory. He was the only one that had the power to do that.
I am so sorry for your loss. I understand the feelings of guilt. I am glad you have come to understand he had the power to get help. This tragedy was not your fault ❤
I’m sorry you had to go through this. My heart goes out to you. My story is above 🙏🏼
So sorry for your loss. :(
I’m with an alcoholic and I fear he will die all the time and at times wanted to leave but I have a really bad feeling if I do leave he will die for sure. Being in this situation is like hell because even if you want to leave you care enough that you know what could happen if you do leave! I feel trapped!
I have a similar fear of his death. Over the past 12 months, his drinking buddies have been dying. Every three months, one dies. His closest beer buddy died two weeks in theater while they were fixing his heart.
After 7 years of marriage I left my addict husband. At some point you realize how unacceptable what you are going through is. I lost myself and that scared me more than anything. I made the choice not to have kids with him because deep down I knew I was going to leave. There is life on the other side and it’s beautiful! Was it hard yes it was the hardest thing I ever had to do but I love myself enough to say enough is enough. I love myself even more now knowing that I can do anything. I wish I can hug her and tell her that she deserves better.
Me and my husband have been together since 2012. We were both in active addiction together. I was able to keep a roof over my head and pay bills. He was in and out of jail. In 2019 I quit drugs and April 6 of 2020 I quit drinking. My husband was sober for two years. At this point we got married. The last year and a half have been excruciating. We bought a house together. Guess who’s been paying the mortgage for the last year and a half me. Guess how long we’ve lived in this house a year and a half. He’s probably only lived here four months. I just found out tonight that he used again. He’s been living in sober living. This last week I kept saying did you get the Vivitrol shot? Because I knew he should’ve gotten it last week. He’s on my phone plan. I gave him a car that I had paid off and told him not to fight me on this house. That was this summer. I don’t wanna go backwards. Come Monday I’m going to talk to a lawyer. I can’t do this anymore. He is using fentanyl. We have lost so many people. My heart is breaking, and I had some hope. But I’ve always been here to pick up the pieces. I can’t pick up his pieces. I have an amazing job, support in recovery and family. I was never able to have children. It was probably for the best.
Good for you! You made the right choice in not having children with him and in leaving him after 7 years of suffering.
@@Onelightoftheworld I have a comparable story. We used coke recreationally occasionally … He then used daily… Then he moved to smoking crack, which eventually progressed to fentanyl. We tried to get him to quit so many times, but he kept going back. At the time our son was four.
We sold our cottage, two days before the money came in, he relapsed and bought an ounce of Coke. I had no idea. That night he claimed to be working overtime at work, but stayed a lot later than an overtime shift usually runs. My gut told me it was a lie. I checked his work he wasn’t there. I then went back to the home he wasn’t there and then continued back to his work and called him. He claimed he was at work we got into a fight. He said he wasn’t coming home that he will not live with being stalked…. that night, he got into a really bad car accident (a single car). He wrote off his truck. I stayed up all night, I went to the hospital to get them the next morning, after taking the day off work. He continued to yell and berate me all the way home, accuse me of cheating on him, called me names. I took my son and left that day.
That was three years ago, the guilt of leaving him eats me every day. He got clean about 4 months later and started dating a girl 4 1/2 months after that. been with her ever since. And he’s still clean, our son is seven.
My alcoholic husband didn’t want to quit drinking, after he got 2 DUI, I’ve had it. I had therapy, went to Al-Anon meetings but I couldn’t take the chaos and insanity of alcoholism anymore.
We separated after 37 years of marriage, I’m much happier now and it’s nice to have serenity and peace.
I receive alimony and half of his social security and I’m very grateful.
I'm done, I'm done, 40 years, I'm done...... Thank you
I feel the same 😢except longer than that…. What do I do
@@wendymalatios8907 make sure you have a support system and a plan. Good luck to you.
404 days sober today, after twelve years of heavy drinking. Been single for over a decade. Never married, and no children.
Very similar, but w heroin.. I've been clean for 306 days from relapsing back in my late 30s from being clean since a teen.. stay strong!!
@@SofiUk0319 559 days today.... still single
@@rnt45t1 lol, yes me too w no human kids.. but dogs!!!
Y’all are an inspiration. Keep going! 💪🏾
If my dude would've gotten clean off heroin and alcohol before tricking me into a relationship and having a baby I'd be a lot happier with him
I had to finally say “ I’m done”. Fortunately, my husband chose to go to rehab and AA. Even if he had not, I was done and had to mean it. Our children were young, one less than a year old. I had to be done.
Good for you Sue, that’s so hard but very important for your life and your kids 🤍
You are so strong and I’m proud of you!
I am afraid to give my husband that ultimatum. I fear he will choose alchohol over his son and I. I know I need to face it because it just gets worse and worse .
@amandael7821 That is such a sad situation to have to make a decision on and how difficult that has to be. As someone who has no skin in the game I would mention that the sad reality is that delaying it won’t change whatever choice he makes and it would seemingly be better to rip the band aid off rather than having it continue to happen. But my view view of it means Jack because I have no skin in it and I know this has to be extremely difficult for you. I really hope for you that you gain the peace and comfort to make the decision that’s best for you and your son and that you both live with the care and happiness you deserve.
My youngest was 2 when I decided to leave. It’s coming up on a year now
This is my life exactly. But my kids are 10 and 14. We need true words. We are living in denial. Its hurting my daughter. When they were little i could cover up for him cause they didnt understand. Now they are old enough and are being mentally damaged from Him.
He got a DUI last night on the way to a Christian retreat. Where i hoped he would get prayer and help. He never made it. Got drunk on the way and i get a call from an officer
He also has diabetes so they had to send him to the hospital because his vitals were bad.
And.. Its always the same talk. "im gonna change"
This video was a wake up call for me
Are you okay?
My alcoholic also has diabetes I constantly fear he will die! At times I want to leave but I do love and care about him but honestly not in love anymore because he isnt really there for me mentally and emotionally.
It’s been a while. But my husband finally quit. Been a few weeks. Ultimately he drank and drove, got a DUI.. if he gets caught with a drink when driving again, he will go to jail 20 days. I think he needed this to wake up.
@@MelModica completely relate. My husband also is diabetic.
My father-in-law is also an alcoholic and has TYPE 1 Diabetes as well as MS. It's so sad. My mother-in-law is a textbook enabler.
My mom chose to stay bc she loves my alcoholic dad. I’m the oldest of 3 daughters. We endured so much embarrassment, guilt and shame as innocent children. I did for the first 25 years of my life,
Every other night, I lost sleep, he was belligerent and verbally abusive. Went to school from kindergarten-college living w/ half the sleep I was supposed to have. My self esteem was non existent
It ruined my life. Now I struggle to be in a loving healthy relationship. I do not trust. It feels impossible. My experience traumatized me and I wish my mom took me & my sisters out of that situation. Especially to give my dad a wake up call to get help.
How awful. I'm so sorry you endured all of that.
I'm sry, I hope you know you deserved so much better in a father, you and your sisters, and ultimately your mom. God bless y'all ❤️
Hi I lived this life too. My mom never left. She never protected us. He beat us and berated and punished us brutally. Now I have PTSD severe depression and anxiety, very low self esteem and confidence. I’m an adult , wife mother grandmother and still struggle with fear and trust. I forgave both my parents. My dad got too old to be drinking heavily. My mom quit drinking. But it’s hard for me to not forget what they put me through, they never told us I love you
@@MonaYY_Rig I'm sorry, when I read your story. I prayed for your healing.
That’s very kind 🙏🏼
I left last year after thirty years with an abusive drunk have faith it is the best thing you will ever do 🙏
This poor woman is deep in codependency. She doesn't know what it means to put her own needs first, or even recognize her own needs. My mother was the same way with my father.. He wasn't an alcoholic during my childhood, but he was in the service and used alcohol to cope after getting out, before I was born. My mother put her foot down and there was no more drinking, but he still didn't heal. Even though there was no alcohol, he behaved like a drunk, emotionally. He was emotionally and mentally abusive. He had untreated mental illness and the emotional maturity of an 8 year old. My mother infantilized him, even picked out his clothes and got him in the shower. It got to the point where she allowed him to medically neglect her as she died of cancer, and I had to sit back and watch, helpless. She was definitely codependent. She had no boundaries, and we as a family had none. It was infuriating to watch and grow up with. I used to daydream that we'd do get an apartment and finally be emotionally safe. I wrote in my journal at 10 years old that I refused to repeat that cycle.
This woman doesn't want a divorce because that's what love is to her, to love someone through their illness, even if it means not loving herself. That's what was modeled for her, and it's wrapped up in denial and fantasy. She doesn't want a broken home, but her home is already and always has been broken.
Fabulous, 100% spot on! She is not one bit mentally healthier than he is.
Yes. You’ve said it well. I’m sorry you had to watch your family suffer like that for so long, especially your poor mom.
Sometimes people just can’t imagine living any other way…
I wish I couldn’t relate to this but I can. It is heart shattering.
This session totally made me cry
In addiction there's only room for 2 - the addict & the addiction. There is no room for family, for putting others needs above their own selfishness, no room for anything positive. Only brings destruction & heart break. Accept the reality & plan from that place.
Totally agree, exept for the word 'selfishness'. Because they are not doing it for themselves, they are doing it for the addiction. Like these homesless addicts who sell their food stamps and need to prostitute themselves for their drug. They don't do it because it benefits them. It doesn't. It hurts them in every possible way. It only benefits the addiction. Don't confuse the addiction with their 'self'. Addiction is the disease that lives within them. It has hijacked their brains and it makes them act the way they do.
Well said.
Even a functional drunk who never gets a DUI or DWI, never hits anyone or is abusive in anyway, still has a liver that can only take so much. Even if nothing else he'd need to limit or stop his alcohol intake for his liver alone
This is my situation. You are very correct.
I do still experience the stress and the mental games addicts play. I feel very lonely. Emotional abuse is still very present. But he still thinks he is the best man I have ever known.
Sounds like me and my ex. Weed and alcohol. I felt just like her. I had to step away and realize i didnt wanna live like him. He is so kind and loving which made it so hard. I feel for her.
Same here. My alcoholic, who also smokes cigarettes, makes it so hard to leave him. But he doesn’t give me what I emotionally need. Or the life I think I want.
@@Liz-in8lu All addicts are expert manipulators.
As a recovering alcoholic I will say she is going about it all wrong. She’s basically enabling his behavior and he’s sick with a disease that will never allow him to stop on his own. So it’ll always be tomorrow, tomorrow.. Well, tomorrow never comes for an alcoholic. He needs to get help TODAY, but you need to show some tough love. My wife threatened to leave if I didn’t get help with my problem. When I realized the severity of losing her and everything else alcohol wanted to steal from me. I manned up and got the help and i’m sober today! Best decision I ever made in my life too. I hope he decides to accept help.
Well done!! 💪🏻
My husband has done the same! He even lets me go with him to therapy now. For the last 3 years his therapist has taught me how to be a supportive wife without enabling him. Without reacting to any emotional manipulation. And doing so as an adult not me acting like his mommy or me acting like a kid. His therapist has taught me how to live a life of peace and that I should focus on me. Not him. I didn’t cause the addiction and I can’t fix him. He has been sober 3 going on 4 years. I was an emotional binge eater before we met. While mine had no chance of getting me arrested, I was at risk for cardiac arrest. I would secretly spend money on fave foodz and eat till I couldn’t eat anymore. I also had an online shopping addiction. Our bank accounts are not joined. I even deleted Amazon yesterday, and I don’t spend much time on my phone anymore. Our bills are always paid, we have savings, 401 K etc. Still, none of the addictions are necessary! Congrats on being sober and being a better husband to your wife! I know it’s hard!
I wish I could hug this woman and get her in touch with my momma. I’m an adult child of a recovering alcoholic. Me and my siblings are close in age to her kids. I remember when my mom was in her shoes. I know how her kids feel. Learning to love an alcoholic well requires a total change in how we think we are supposed to love people. Al-anon is a super great place to start ❤️
I love how Dr. John is blunt, real, honest, and compassionate all at the same time. He doesn’t beat around the bush he wants to confront the issues head on! He does a good job!
I know the look Cyndy is describing. It makes me feel repulsed and scared at the same time. You're not alone lovely ☮️💗
Cindy
This is called A TRAUMA BOND
You can't save someone who doesn't want to save himself. They will only drag you down into the water.
God bless you Cindy. I don't know if you'll see this, but I wanted to share what I've been going through the last year with my dad (and on and off for 40 years). Four months ago I forced my father to choose alcohol or his family. He chose alcohol. So I cut off communication. I honestly thought he'd choose us because he's a good person. I'd go as far as to say my dad is a great man when he's not drinking. But he still didn't choose us. It's such a strong addiction with some people. Three weeks ago he ended up in the hospital and was forced into detox by 8 days in the ICU. Your husband is sick. Either he goes into rehab, AA, or you leave. Or you live the life you've been living. There are no options beyond those.
Edit: I wanted to add, he's going to hit an age where his alcoholism becomes a legit disability or leads to other disabilities. Don't stick around for that. It only gets worse.
I hope she reads your comment. I’ve watched it happen more than once. The liver needs water… which alcoholics won’t consume… so when the liver starts to go, it starts to deplete the brain of water, & then it goes to 100% complete insanity.
I had a roommate who eventually went through liver failure, after sobering up a couple of times. The last year of his life he had switched from beer to hard liquor, because he reasoned that liquor didn’t affect him like beer did. He died of liver failure two weeks before his 48th birthday. He was actually a really good dude, so I refused to contribute to his self destruction. He knew the rules of the house ; no alcohol consumption. He came home one day obviously intoxicated, & I threw him out the following morning. There was no reason for all of us to suffer.
I know exactly how she feels. My husband is the exact same way. Drinks every night til he goes to sleep. He works hard and is a good guy but the drinking is out of control. Hell get home about 7-9 pm and drink til 1-2 am then pass out. I have no clue how he gets up in the morning and goes to work. He spends like 500 or more a month on beer and when he smoked it was 8-900 a month. Then when we have no money it’s my fault for shopping and spending money. Which I do do. I have threatened to leave and even begged him to stop drinking and nothing changes. I’m currently secretly saving up to get outta here on my own
may your way out be fortunate and may you move in favor.I hope you find peace in your new beginnings.
Good for you for knowing that enough is enough
She needs to read “ Co-Dependent No More”
It changed my life. 40 years ago I married an alcoholic when I was 21 years old and quickly realized this wasn’t gonna work. Thank God I had the support to leave him after just a Couple of years and two kids later. It’s save me from the life of misery because he kept drinking and essentially died from his alcoholism. You got it in your to do this, just do it.
🙏🏼 loved that book!!! "Women who love too much" was another great one for me! Blessings 🙌🏽
Yes, that's an excellent book.
Going to get both of those books thank you
That book opened my eyes!!
@@Mags765 I read this book as well and help me realise my codependency and helped me leave my addicted partner after 10 years of struggle.
The pain in her voice 💔 😢
Heart crushing. I’m so sorry for her.
If she divorces him he will move in with another woman that will drink with him or take care of him. And this lady will probably live the rest of her life single. Thats the reward of staying with a drunk that many years.
Yup nice and silent and no drinking
And she'll be living in peace, finally free to live without having to tiptoe around a drunk, in constant mortification and financial anxiety.
I'm starting to think being single is not a punishment. After being married to an addict for almost 10 years, being single seems like a blessing. Sure, it is lonely, but you haven't experienced true loneliness until you give your life over to an addict.
Totally unfair.
Was the alcoholic you were with kind of a cheater, though? I feel like a lot of alcoholics also cheat. Not all of them, but a lot.
I needed to hear this. Filed for divorce from my alcoholic 6 mos ago - just have to wait for the process as he wont sign it. He was arrested at my kids school, dui and fired from work for being drunk at 10 am. He hasnt worked in three years, while I continue to do everything. It was still hard for me to make the decision. I understand her pain very well. Agree with the book Codependent No More - it helped me get to the point where I could walk away.
Enough is the right advice. I went through this, my boys are 31 & 27. I was with my husband 32 years, my regret was I stayed and the boys witness all his crap. He could leave work early to go to the bar, but not to attend a school function. It was like waiting for Jeckle or Hyde to come home. He disconnected from us and my mistake was I let my sons witness this and traumatized them by staying. Today, I’m HAPPILY DIVORCED 8 years. When your house is on fire you need to get out, save yourself. My regret not leaving 15 years earlier, and not letting the kids live in turmoil.
Wow "when your house is on fire save yourself!" 🙌🏽 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Love this quote: “when your house is on fire, save yourself!!
Going through this now. Alcohol and drugs with mine. Hes manipulative and a gaslighter. I hate I stayed so long. Im getting out now. I hope he hits rock bottom soon…it will be the only way he stops. Hes an extremely selfish person.
@@lorimcdevitt1506I hope everything works out for you.
This lady needs to GET OUT. Is it easy? No. Is it fun? No. It took me forever to leave my ex. He has numerous addictions. The caller said her husband used to spend $500 a month on alcohol. That’s $6000 a year. Think of all the savings, investments, and trips that money could have paid for. I hope this caller has the courage to leave. Life is better without having to deal with an addict.
That's $180,000, not counting interest, over 30 years!
Hope Cindy's doing better in 2024.
I sure do too. It’s awful and sad. She’s trying so hard to hold onto a life she thinks she has…and the reality is that her entire life is in service to HIS addiction.
Thank you Dr. John. I think you might have changed the whole trajectory of my life. For the better. Thank you.
I wish I had a wife like her. Giving her husband credit for being a great guy for 8 hours out of the day and wrecking the other 16 hours. Feel bad for her. She's in her own little world and nobody can convince her otherwise
It's a tough life to live being the only stable one in the relationship without vices bleeding finances dry. I lived that myself for years. Luckily we weren't married and could just separate easily but it definitely still damages you mentally in the split. But in the after thought you realize how much they were dragging you down even if you love them to death. Feels liberating to pay off that debt and be able to take care of yourself honestly
Would love an update on this story. Hope Cindy got out and is healing.
I could have easily ended up in this situation down the road, but thankfully I got out two years into it 🙏
Sending love to Cindy.
I was in love with a man who went from a drinker to an alcoholic and I didn't see it coming. After a few years of taking him to detox and watching him go to rehab and then check himself out early because he could 'do it on his own', I finally left and broke off all contact (at the advice of a therapist). It hurt, because this was the man I was going to marry. He was a dear person and I loved him, but it was the best decision. We can't 'fix' other people. And we have to get off the merry-go-round. With love in our hearts and also remembering that we have the right to happy lives. I wish you all the best!
I completely understand her I've been where she is. I had to leave for my sanity. We were married for 25 years. He drank heavily for 20 of those.
I left my ex because he chose the bottle over me. I had enough and been divorced for over 20 years. No hard feelings towards him.
It is really hard when the one you love is damaged and broken. Eventually as lovely as they seem, they end up damaging you. Really hope she learns to recognise that she is enabling him. She needs to leave him and learn to love herself and get therapy if she can afford it.
A "good person" wouldn't put his family through this. Thank you, John, for giving this lady a wake up call. What she is doing can not work.
My best friend had an alcoholic husband. I phoned Al-Anon.
One thing they said has stuck with me for over 30 years. It was " the spouse of an alcoholic is as sick an the alcoholic mate.". Yeah . . .
Bingo!!! And, yes, both individual and family counseling was needed.
I think family counselling is pretty much useless in such cases.
Most alcoholics are good people. Just very very sick. In AA we call it insanity. Know alot of alcoholics with 30 plus years sober and they are good people. Unfortunately most alcoholics drink themselves to death. 2.8 million globaly every year. Insidious evil disease for what it does to the alcoholics and their families
This is exactly why I filed for divorce after 28 years of the same. Why we stay I don’t know.
Some people can't see themselves starting over, or don't think they're strong enough. I did it, twice. I'm no one special. Just carefully make a plan, and execute it step by step.
@@alladreamwedreamed yeah it was a huge change for me. im 50 and am having to start over after being a stay at home mom too. But my soul is in a better place. I know I can do it, I just need to save up money and plan my retirement.
Yes I stay with my x 24 years and at the time I was growing up in my families belief is it to keep a marriage together! after my kids were grown I just finally said I’m done no screaming no yelling. I just was done with the whole drama that goes with drinking and having a drunk for a husband.
I wish I could connect with this woman. Our situations are incredibly similar. I'm as lost as she is. You only really understand this situation if you are living it. You're in my heart, Cindy. If there's any way you see this, please message me Cindy.
This reminds me of my parents. I’m 30 years old, married and have my own family now. But my Dad still has an addiction problem to alcohol. Drinks every single day. Makes me so sad. He says once he retires he will stop drinking, but I know that’s not going to happen. And I know my mom will never leave him.
I am so sorry
I also married to a alcoholic, day by day he is torturing me and my kids emotional, verbally and physically. Also he trapped me in qatar under civil rental case i am not able to travel to my country back. Totally blank out, i am trapped 😢
This is my life. It’s relieving to know I’m not alone but I understand where she is coming from. Leaving doesn’t feel like an option even though it really is the best one. I’m so torn.
Cindy - Hope you're healing & living a better life. Hope your Summer has been filled with restoration & rejuvenation. May your 2024 & beyond be kind🦋🙏
Cindy, you are so brave to call in and speak up. Thank you for your braveness and willingness. I needed to hear what Dr. John said in response to your share and that wouldnt have happened had you not shown uo. I hope you chose yourself. I am in the process of choosing me. It's really hard. ❤
He’s wonderful but when drinking he’s NOT emotionally available 😢 I have the same exact husband, we just celebrated our 30 year anniversary! Praying for you and me Cindy, we both need strength to love ourselves! John you are amazing, love listening to your words of wisdom!
Made me so sad to hear this. She describes what I grew up in and at least she recognizes he is an alcoholic. Thanks for your clear-headed compassion, Dr. John. Kudos for communicating some hard truths so kindly. I pray the lady can act on them.
Alcohol will always be the winner
The relationship has continued for so long because she has compromised with his illness. She takes him along to parties as if he will be able to control himself and have reasonable boundaries, and is always surprised when he doesn't. She gives him an allowance, but he resents the fact that he cannot buy as much hooch as his heart desires. That isn't recovery, and his behavior shows it. His legacy to her is daily betrayal. I wish there was something that could be done to rebuild their marriage, but he doesn't seem to want that. He destroyed his Life and everything and everyone around him. I will pray that support and resources emerge to help her rebuild her Life without him, and for her heart.
As a borderline alcoholic and struggling adhd human. This touches home. I’m so disappointed in myself and unsatisfied. I have a huge failure complex. And I’m so tired from up at 3 am everyday 12-14 hours a day. And no good feedback from my immediate loved ones. I’ve failed them and need to change. I try so hard too. :( I love Delony.
Had my very first therapy session yesterday . Fingers crossed.
One day at a time. It's time to work through the shame and become all you can be. Good luck.
I am here and don’t want a broken family either. But gosh this was an eye opener and I think I’ve known for a while.
Even just the tall cans, assuming they're 24oz is 70 12oz beers a week. That's crazy.
10 beers a day is a problem, but it really isnt that much.
Her desire not to have a broken home is driving much of this. Let that go, Cindy, this is worse. The best thing you can do for you AND him is to go your separate ways. Maybe he needs it to reach rock bottom. You are both enabling each other in this toxic situation. Wishing you strength.
you're not alone, sista
This is everything im dealing with from my husband except 20 years, 3 kids, and its pot, not alcohol. I'm so tired of competing with a plant he holds on this pedestal. So, no danger really, but now its bleeding over to our teenagers and i'm at a loss.
Walking away from my husband and marriage was the hardest and most painful thing I’ve ever done. He hates me for it and told so many lies to our friends and family so I lost them too. It’s taken 3 years for anxiety to leave me and it still occasionally rears its head. He is now with someone new and that hurts too, we are now divorced. My husband did get emotionally abusive, he was physically abusive three times but the threat of it becoming physical was always there. But it was when he was hung over or needing a drink, he was lovely 3-4 drinks in and then he would isolate himself. 7 days per week. I just couldn’t continue to live such a lonely life constantly trying to lunate damage, watching my back walking on egg shells. Being the scape goat and emotional punch bag. I realised I was enabling it by doing so. I moved out asking him to get help and he chose not to. It’s unbelievably heartbreaking to go through this but you have to accept it for what it is. The long term damage that’s done by staying is huge and it’s to all involved, kids you and him. You only have one life to live. You can not live it trying to find a way to change it. Only he can do that and it will only happen if he wants it to.
He sounds narcisistic
30 years is so long. It's time to move on and start living... Sending love and light. ❤️
He needs to want to change, if he is going to get sober. I am a recovering alcoholic. It has gotten so much better, once I gave it up. I've been sober for 2-1/2 years now and it is fantastic. He needs to change. Otherwise, you need to leave him.
Congratulations
Your testimony means more to me because you were an alcoholic.
Thank you 😊
@@jillcampbell-zx7hn Life is too short. We have been given a beautiful gift and must protect it.
@@jillcampbell-zx7hn Also, even 4-1/2 years later, I'm STILL an alcoholic. I may be sober, but my illness will never go away.
Cindy is codependent.
She is so trauma bonded to him. She cannot save him, she isn’t a therapist or his therapist. Only he can want to change, she can’t make him change. He is narcissistic and will never stop his bad behaviors. She is enabling his behavior.
I walked out of a marriage with an addict / alcoholic after 6 years. We did not have kids bc I didn’t want to bring them into this !No way no how would I stay. He did detox, rehab, AA, and continued his cycle of staying sober, sneaking out to drink , drug, come home 3 sheets to the wind. What an angry depressed nasty drunk he was. I am a Professional and didn’t need him to support me. After I left, he got with another girl, was drinking heavily one night she felt threatened, called the Police. A rookie showed up, my ex had a gun and killed the poor rookie cop. He’s in Prison for life, I’m away but have PTSD over this man. I fear he’s coming for me because I testified against him in court. And the Rookie is dead he was a newlywed. This life is not easy and is torture on your soul . I’m remarried, we drink on rare occasions for holiday maybe. I grew up in an alcoholic household. It’s tough on kids and spouses it’s the worst I do not recommend it. My heart goes out to Cindy 💟🙏🏼
Boy, that is one heckuva cautionary tale. How sad for all involved…
Wow, that's rough. I'm sorry for your experience.
Cyndy, I don't want to be harsh but your home is broken. You are far, far better to have a healthier parent living separately. I wish you all the best and please reply if you need someone to support. Seriously, a lot of people totally get it ❤️.
The kids are grown.. Why stay in a marriage like this? Just to say you are married?
Because after 30 years, that’s all she knows. Humans are more comfortable with what they know, rather than the unknown.
I totally relate to this lady and It has taken mental toll on me. I have finally decided to separate.
Love yourself enough to choose you. Stop being his mama. She’s choosing to stay n deal with his demons
Wow this is honest feedback and I'm so glad John speaks truth in love. Poor woman is in abject denial. She is enabling him sadly coz she's co dependent and the trauma of addiction has affected her and she's lost in this.
Alcohol will put you in the grave early. Really early. Staying healthy is big part of a commitment to your family. Get on board or get lost.
DIVORCE is an option. I’m living my best life post divorce. Published a book on finding true WHOLENESS after divorce called “THE SUN ALWAYS PIERCES THROUGH” 🌧️ ☀️
You are worth so much more Cindy. I have an alcoholic mother, my dad wouldve never left her. she ended leaving him, she's still miserable but my dad is finally ok.. your kids deserve better too...
After being married to an alcoholic I learned that whatever you think you know about how much they drink, multiply that 10 fold. He’s probably drinking from the minute his eyes open. He only starts actually drinking around you in the afternoon because that’s acceptable. He also most likely drinks at work. If you were to talk to his coworkers I’d bet you’d get a completely different picture from the one he paints
Yeah he definitely drinks more than 10 beers. That's really not that much
I just had my spouse leave a few days ago. I had it after 5 years. We have a 2 year old and a 8 month old baby. I’ve tried everything with him. He drinks and does cocaine along with it and I don’t see him for half the week. He drives drunk and spends a lot money and is in debt with credit cards. I have spent all my savings trying to get by and paying mostly everything. He as his bro to era house and now he’s acting resentful and wanting to take the kids to spend the night with him when he knows everyone in his family drinks. I’m heartbroken and dissatisfied that he never went and got help. I was there for him. I have so many regrets.
What is this man running from??? It's a big monster, whatever it is.
I can tell how much she loves him. I can hear it in her voice. She doesn't want to give up on him. She doesn't want to see him die if she leaves. But he has to want the help. This woman deserves the best therapist ever.
you got to be kidding me😵💫john handled this call better than i would that’s for sure
Cindy, check out your local ALANON group. They'll help you along. Bless ALL OF YOU.
Smart Recovery is also great.
I don’t know how she has done this for 30 years. I couldn’t make it 30 months. It’s really sad that she spent the majority of her adult life dealing with this.
I don’t know either.. I been with my partner for 15 years and he’s been drinking for 9 years now. Been working on a move out plan since right before the pandemic started. That threw a wrench in my plans but I’ll still be leaving. Countless holidays, birthdays and just regular dinners ruined.
Me too. I could barely survive 14 months of this relationship and my therapist asked “why are you still here?”. Fortunately I was financially independent and had my own place to stay. But man it was THE HARDEST thing I have ever done. But I am glad I did it. I still miss him and probably love him to this day but what I am not is constantly paranoid and feel small.
I have been married 35 years, and my husband leaves work to go to the bar every day.
Mine is physically abusive but often says mean things, nor drink at our family functions but did not want to stay long.
So sad, but at 65,
At 65 you could have a 20 calm, serene, interesting years. But you'll need to divorce him, first, if that's all financially feasible.
Its weird how ALL or NOTHING seem to be the only choices discussed. The best living is done in the middle 💯
Poor Cindy - this is absolute madness. The best thing for him is for her to leave. That may be a low enough bottom for him to get his sh*t together (and this is coming from a recovered alcoholic myself). She needs to run, not walk, join AlAnon, and find a therapist. Like yesterday. Poor woman, my heart hurts for her.
SMH. Cindy parents messed her up. She’s so detached, she’s talking about the kids like they’re 6 and 9. She said they’re almost 30! GIRL!!! You even having to make a phone call after this long is a sign enough.
I can only imagine what them kids went through. 30 damn years. Nah. Stay with him. They ain’t have a choice. Now you stay with him and deal with it. Now you “done” after he done jacked up the kids. Naaaaahhh STAY!
I can relate to Cindy’s challenges. The best thing I did for myself, after realizing I couldn’t stay, was go to Al Anon and meet other amazing people in the same sitch who helped me slowly realize what I needed to do next. It’s brutal to go to the first meeting, but hang in there. That’s just your body catching up with your mind about dealing with the hard truth. You have to save yourself because this way of life is taking you down with it. Find an Al Anon group that fits your vibe. I liked the third one I tried because it was all women and we met on Saturday mornings.
This woman isn't going anywhere. Her whole life is wrapped up in dealing with her husband, who will never change.
I grew up with an alcoholic father it is a losing proposition. My Mom stayed way too long the damage was done to our family . Get out of the mess he is never going to stop . Just ask your kids they will let you know how they also feel .
Sadly we enable them. I understand where she’s coming from. But it’s all excuses. Sounds frustrating I wish she can just leave him. Not forever but a separation is what’s best here.
I loved this. I have two young kids. Please come be my friend because GOD loves you enough. That man is has stolen yourself.
Ohhh, “burned out home” analogy, excellent!!
"Consider how hard it is to change yourself--and you'll understand how foolish it is to think you can change someone else" Jacobspn Braude
See my thing is my husband is a right now passed out missed my artshow- chose to go get drunk at a friends and now is asleep on the floor. So I drink- alone- but I don’t want to be him- I am an ex addict of I v drug use- I do not want to be in this life anymore.oh I so understand her and thank you for this message- I needed to hear it.
My daughter is in this situation. She tried to do an intervention with his family taking part. After that, she is being attacked by his family. She loves her husband and he is a good man. He has refused to stop drinking. His health is being severely affected. He drinks bourbon by the bottle and now added shots of tequila , goes to bed at 3:00am. He has his own business so he goes to work.They have teenagers that see all this going on. It’s a sad situation for him and his family.
Cindy this may be too late but please go to alanon, this is for friends and family if alcoholics. I get where you are coming from Cindy I did exactly what you are doing for over 20 years. Alanon helped me so much. Please stop enabling and find the courage for you. You can do this x
She should have good life insurance for him. She has endured enough.
I tried to leave my alcoholic husband but got stuck due to circumstances out of my control. Now I'm 42 and my life consists of me (and our children) changing his diapers every 2 hours, dumping out his urinal, cleaning out rotting flesh, managing his dialysis and nursing appointments, doing home pt and ot
While the tax payers foot the bill
@@erismana2105 I hope you don't always kick people when they're down.
@@megalopolis2015 Enabler
And you are so young!!!!! Oh no. I’m so sorry to hear this.
@@erismana2105 you must be perfect. Way to go
Sad she sounds tired 😥 😔
She does. It’s so sad.
I left after 37 years and no one supported me, 4 adult daughters are replacing me as his keepers, which was one reason I stayed to stop that from happening. everyone abandoned me. They now mother him, cater to him, and he got my grands too. They see him as hero and me the villian.
I'm so sorry. This is my biggest fear. I hear about it all the time.
My ex chose alcohol over his family too,my son was 4, when i filed for divorce.
I was in her situation for several years. I have grieved the death of the husband/best friend/soul mate that I loved more than I loved myself. When I see my husband, I'm no longer in love with this guy. My husband that I loved is dead.
And in the end, the co dependant sober spouse becomes sicker than the alcoholic. 💔💔💔
Alcoholism has been described as a slow trudge to the grave, and who can argue with that. I am so thankful my mother left my father when I was 9, I have still struggled all my life with relationships with men, but it could have been much worse had she stayed. No stability with an alcoholic and as a child you can sense that. Worse thing you can do is stay with a man with an addiction it will haunt your children their entire lives, forget about them loving their dad that will pale in comparison to the damage being done living in this poisonous environment. Run like your hair is on fire and get out.